WEBVTT - How to Find and Keep a Healthy Relationship 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:02.720 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:06.600 Red Tabletop podcast all your favorite episodes from the Facebook 0:00:06.640 --> 0:00:10.440 Watch show in Audio produced by Westbrook Audio and I 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.760 Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review on 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:19.800 Apple podcasts. Single Dating, Divorced, Married on this special edition 0:00:19.840 --> 0:00:23.160 of Red Table Talk or expert Men who have made 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:26.600 it their life's work to help people have healthy relationships. 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:31.320 They've coached millions of people navigating the complicated world of love. 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:35.519 I'm Matthew Hussey. I've been coaching for fifteen years, helping 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:38.680 women in their love lives build the confidence they need 0:00:38.720 --> 0:00:41.840 to make really good decisions. My nameless stuff on Level. Sierre, 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:44.519 also known as Stefan speaks um a sort of fire 0:00:44.520 --> 0:00:47.800 relationship coach, an author of ten books, and I'm all 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:51.800 about helping people experience healthier and happier relationships. I'm Lewis 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:54.200 House and that was a former pro athlete, written a 0:00:54.200 --> 0:00:58.320 bunch of books, got a top podcast, had many failed relationships, 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:01.200 and now in a beautiful one. I'm Divine Franklin. I'm 0:01:01.240 --> 0:01:04.240 here as a relationship advisor and author. I'm committed to 0:01:04.319 --> 0:01:06.760 just uplifting as many people as I can. Plus a 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:10.560 special woman with relationship wisdom to share. The man I've 0:01:10.600 --> 0:01:15.120 been looking for my whole life is me for the 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:19.479 first time, they're joining forces to reveal their findings and experiences. 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:23.640 Grab a notebook were retaken note, we've got a pen 0:01:23.920 --> 0:01:26.880 and paper. You don't want to miss this. Some women 0:01:26.920 --> 0:01:29.479 are just looking to have sex and that's the real deal. God, 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:35.520 I wish I had this information. And the table, this 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:38.640 is a table. This is so re tell us how 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:41.480 dating has been for you. I have a meme that 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:47.240 really captures it because it was so exciting in my 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:50.240 younger years and now it's kind of like, what, Yeah, 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:53.440 it's not the same, but it's it's good because I'm 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:57.720 in a healthier space, in a season of intention. So 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:03.600 because of that, the pool has gotten smaller, and that's 0:02:03.600 --> 0:02:05.920 a good thing. It is. That's a good thing because 0:02:05.960 --> 0:02:08.200 you don't waste a lot of time with goings and 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:12.280 situations that you know aren't even right before I would 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:15.240 have entertained that. So it's about self love first, because 0:02:15.280 --> 0:02:18.480 if you don't, I'm serious, I can't give it if 0:02:18.480 --> 0:02:21.440 I don't have it. I can't give it if I 0:02:21.480 --> 0:02:24.480 don't have it, you know, Whoever, my partner will be 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:27.600 I have to bring my best meat to the table. 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:30.520 And I didn't realize how far off track I got 0:02:31.280 --> 0:02:36.720 and the lack of self love, and I came to 0:02:36.880 --> 0:02:39.320 a place where I'm like the man I've been looking for. 0:02:39.480 --> 0:02:45.000 My whole life is me. When we look to other 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:48.920 people to give us something that we're void of, we 0:02:49.080 --> 0:02:52.040 set them up to fail. That's what we do, and 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:54.520 we set ourselves up to be very disappointed. To me, 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:56.839 the saddest thing, the thing that drives me in all 0:02:56.919 --> 0:02:59.760 of this when people say, why you whatever you want 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:01.840 to call me a dating coach or whatever, why are 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:04.400 you that thing? I think they think that I'm going 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:08.200 to say, because finding love is the most important thing 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:11.320 in life. Actually, to me, it's not that that's the 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:13.880 most important thing in life. Is that if you make 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:19.280 bad decisions in that area, then the wrong love can 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:23.480 corrupt everything in your life. You can run out of 0:03:23.480 --> 0:03:25.520 the clock on your time, you can run out the 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:28.560 clock on your energy, you become bitter, and even the 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:30.320 good thing. You can have a job you love, you 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:32.720 can have a family you love, it will poison your 0:03:32.800 --> 0:03:36.200 energy and all of those things. If you're unhappy here 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:38.440 what you said, sure, he is really important to me 0:03:38.480 --> 0:03:42.360 because you've got to a point and that allows you 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:46.000 then to be very discriminating when it comes to who 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:47.960 do I need in my life and who do I 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:51.720 not When I see couples who stay together no matter what, 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:57.040 you start teaching kids this other message that the ultimate 0:03:57.440 --> 0:04:02.080 failure is being alone. The ultimate failure is to leave something. 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:05.720 We don't teach enough, the idea that having no thing 0:04:06.160 --> 0:04:08.760 is better than having the wrong thing when it comes 0:04:08.800 --> 0:04:17.400 to our love life. Dn't know you didn't know. Yeah, 0:04:17.839 --> 0:04:21.640 this is a but we gotta share, y'all. So we 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:24.839 have a whole wall of single women joining us with 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:30.000 burning questions about the complicated world of relationships. Some of 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:32.599 them have even taken their search for a partner to 0:04:32.640 --> 0:04:36.279 the next level, appearing on popular dating shows and hoping 0:04:36.320 --> 0:04:39.880 to find love. So let's say hello to all the 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:49.760 single ladies. First up is Teresa, who said she's notoriously 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:52.640 bad at dating. She even tried to find a partner 0:04:52.760 --> 0:04:56.960 using her zodiac sign on the Amazon series Cosmic Love. 0:04:57.640 --> 0:05:03.200 Hi guys, Hey Teresa. I consider sexual chemistry a big 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:07.000 priority when I am dating someone, but it hasn't been 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:10.039 serving me well. So I've been wondering if maybe I 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:13.360 need to slow things down and try the opposite, even 0:05:13.400 --> 0:05:16.440 though it is such a huge priority for me. Oh yeah, 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:20.200 that's real, great question. I'm gonna let you take that. 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:23.160 Here's the thing, a lot of guys start off in 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:27.120 a relationship around sexual chemistry first and instead, that's the 0:05:27.160 --> 0:05:29.520 mistake I made for many years, is not creating the 0:05:29.560 --> 0:05:33.000 foundation of spiritual connection and really getting clear on what 0:05:33.040 --> 0:05:35.839 are my values and do your values match up? What 0:05:35.960 --> 0:05:38.680 is my vision for a life for a relationship and 0:05:38.720 --> 0:05:41.839 does your vision matchup? Do we have shared aligned lifestyles? 0:05:41.839 --> 0:05:44.479 And I think a lot of us, myself included, it 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:47.200 was all about this sexual attraction, Like you look good. 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:50.120 I want to experience what that might feeling talking to me, 0:05:50.360 --> 0:05:59.680 I'm talking to what's going on? But I think I 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:02.880 think sexual attraction is a good thing if there's a 0:06:02.920 --> 0:06:06.920 spiritual connection tied to it. But I think you need 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:10.080 that spiritual connection before we sexually bond. And then let 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:12.719 me ask you a question, how long do you think 0:06:13.520 --> 0:06:16.960 it takes a dude to come to that realization? Oh man, 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:20.280 that took me to thirty eight years because I repeat 0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:22.400 the pattern thinking a new person is going to give 0:06:22.400 --> 0:06:25.960 me a different outcome. I wasn't realizing where my wounds were. 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:28.839 Once I started the heal, I realized that I was 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:33.239 the common denominator of every relationship that didn't work because 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:36.960 when I was fully honest, which most women from my 0:06:37.000 --> 0:06:40.520 personal experience, weren't able to handle the truth of my values, 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:42.920 my vision, what I want, what I believe in in 0:06:42.920 --> 0:06:46.160 a relationship, and so would scare them. And then I 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:48.640 would coward and I would say, well, actually, you know, 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:51.400 I'll agree with you here, I'll agree a little bit 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:54.480 with you here, I'll give it. I'll abandoned my I'll 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:56.640 abandoned myself to make you happy because I don't want 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:57.919 to rock the boat, you know, I don't want to 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:03.400 shake this big table. And I think lacking that courage 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:07.640 created conflict deeper in the relationship, as opposed to being 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:10.800 fully honest, upfront and kind of pushing away people that 0:07:10.840 --> 0:07:14.560 aren't in alignment so I could be my honest self 0:07:15.080 --> 0:07:18.800 and not the image of the best self. I believe 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:21.440 love is commitment to your well being. So if I 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:23.360 say I love you, then that means I have to 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:25.520 be committed to your well being. If you say you 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:27.440 love me, that means my well being is important to you. 0:07:27.840 --> 0:07:29.560 That means it's got to show up in how we act, 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:33.040 right Because let's say I love you, it's words are 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:37.160 cheat I mean, listen, I love you cost nothing. It's 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:40.400 in the air, it's out and not just my emotional 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:42.680 well being, my spiritual being, my well being to me, 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.440 it's about that because then we can actually feel like 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:47.400 this person really does want my best interest at all. 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:51.040 It's not just romantic Absolutely, no relationship can thrive off 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:53.920 of independence on either side. It's all about interdependence. We 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:55.280 have to lean on each other, we have to do 0:07:55.360 --> 0:07:58.280 for each other. That has to be there. So that's 0:07:58.320 --> 0:08:00.400 what we're trying to figure out here, how to have 0:08:00.520 --> 0:08:04.520 that energetic interdependence between the ship. I think you have 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:07.160 to look at it like some people are looking for 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:11.240 an experience and other people are looking for a real 0:08:11.280 --> 0:08:17.080 relationship and experience. Chemistry, sexual attraction, it's all an experience. 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:21.840 What you're talking about, Devon is a standard standard for 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:25.920 how I choose to love, and that requires discipline. So 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:27.880 in a way, what you're really looking for is for 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:31.480 a person a with knowledge. How do you get to 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:35.880 the point where you value connection spiritually compatibility, giving love 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:39.360 more than just chemistry, and you can say, okay, well, 0:08:39.360 --> 0:08:42.440 there's the guy that struggles to get there because he 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.360 never has the thing that Lewis you had. You're a 0:08:45.360 --> 0:08:50.240 good looking guy with options, right, it's successful. You're very attractive, 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:54.760 so you got to experience that and go it didn't work. 0:08:55.400 --> 0:08:58.079 A lot of men never really get to play it 0:08:58.160 --> 0:09:00.600 out and say it didn't work, so it's like stuck, 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:02.199 and so their whole life they're trying to date the 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:06.520 cheerleader because they they're eight and still imagining what it 0:09:06.520 --> 0:09:09.400 would be like, so they never got there. Then there's 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:12.360 the guy that gets there and has access and does 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:15.439 all those things and realizes it doesn't work. But realizing 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:19.160 something doesn't work doesn't stop you replaying the same addiction 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:20.880 over and over in your life. You have to then 0:09:20.920 --> 0:09:25.599 have the discipline to say, Okay, I like pizza, but 0:09:25.640 --> 0:09:28.839 I can't eat pizza every day. That can't be my life. 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:32.679 You don't stop eating pizza because pizza stops being delicious. 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.520 You stop eating pizza because you value the way you 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:40.760 feel when you live better. And so for a guy 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:46.160 who stops just chasing the gratification, it's not that there's 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:50.840 not still that urge. It's just that something more nutritional 0:09:51.040 --> 0:09:55.520 became the thing value. One thing that I've discovered is 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:58.120 that we're not all wired the same. There's a lot 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:01.719 of men they value committed relationship. Then you have the 0:10:01.800 --> 0:10:03.839 other guy who wants to be with a bunch of 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:06.559 different women. You have to just be mindful of. Okay, 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:08.319 what kind of man do I want to get with? 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:10.680 Like if you surveyed most men, most men are just 0:10:10.720 --> 0:10:13.240 happy with I got food on my table, a roof 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:15.600 over my head, my kneeds are being met. I'm fine. 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:18.199 Then there's other men who want more in life. They 0:10:18.240 --> 0:10:20.960 go after more. They show that same attribute in their 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:24.400 business and their career. That kind of man takes a 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.800 longer time to develop when it comes to settle down 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:31.520 one woman, I'm good here. The other guy, he's fine, 0:10:31.960 --> 0:10:34.680 you'll never care for another woman. But I think the 0:10:34.880 --> 0:10:39.040 unfortunate problem is that man who's very driven tends to 0:10:39.080 --> 0:10:42.280 exude a lot of mask and energy. Women tend to 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:46.439 be more drawn to that. Well, you know that's very primal, right, 0:10:46.480 --> 0:10:49.360 you know, Like how men are? You know, it's like 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:52.000 it's problem when you see a fine woman who's got 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:59.320 a nice body, So as a woman when you see 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:03.160 a driven in who's out, you know, conquering the world 0:11:02.640 --> 0:11:05.240 and let's go, and you're like, damn, he's gonna kill 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:10.079 that Lion's got the village. But women have to understand 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:14.760 what comes with that, right. It's like, hey, you're dealing 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:20.559 with a lion, you know, versus versus stepping up to 0:11:20.640 --> 0:11:22.800 that line and expecting that line to act like a 0:11:22.880 --> 0:11:25.719 kitty cat, you know what I mean. But if you 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:30.959 want that driven, masculine, ambitious energy, you better be prepared 0:11:31.920 --> 0:11:34.040 for what comes with it. And I think a lot 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:37.960 of times we as women have to have more understanding 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:40.440 where you know, a lot of times we get connected 0:11:40.480 --> 0:11:43.720 to that oh my goodness, he can provide. He's dynamic, 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:47.080 and it's like all right, but just know it's a 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:49.240 lot that's gonna come with that boo. It's gonna be 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:51.240 It's gonna be a journey, you know what I mean. 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:54.360 And so I think it's really important for women to 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:59.560 understand these different kind of characteristics of the of the 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:04.439 male kingdom. You know, the point you're making is critical 0:12:04.640 --> 0:12:08.800 for this reason. Don't marry a lion and then want 0:12:08.880 --> 0:12:10.680 them to be a kitty cat. But that thing that 0:12:10.760 --> 0:12:14.800 attracts is then the thing that you can detest and 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:18.560 a commits relationship because it's like you love the idea 0:12:18.640 --> 0:12:21.320 that you know, I'm out there and conquering the world, 0:12:21.320 --> 0:12:24.240 But then that means I'm not gonna be home right 0:12:24.559 --> 0:12:26.640 Like that means I have another calling and a thing 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:29.439 and a passion. And so I think it's very critical 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:33.079 with understanding who it is you're going for and appreciating 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:36.520 who they are and not saying, well, they're a lying now, 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:43.719 but once I get them, I got plans. Yeah, what 0:12:43.920 --> 0:12:46.400 you see is what you get. There's a cute that 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:49.640 says women Mary hoping the man will change, men marry 0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:52.360 hoping the woman will never change. So it comes down 0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:54.800 to what do you value. If you're a woman and 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:58.280 you value most excitement and my adrenaline, always being up 0:12:58.280 --> 0:13:00.960 and always feeling like I'm like being kept on my toes, 0:13:00.960 --> 0:13:02.440 then you're going to choose a very different guy than 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:07.560 if you're a woman who values peace. We're gonna go 0:13:07.640 --> 0:13:12.000 to another question. Deept didn't find her happily ever after 0:13:12.240 --> 0:13:16.079 on the Netflix dating show Love is Blind. I deserve 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:22.960 somebody who knows for sure. So I'm choosing myself and 0:13:23.240 --> 0:13:26.600 I'm going to say no, my question. I think you 0:13:26.600 --> 0:13:29.840 said it best you choose yourself, and that's exactly what 0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:33.480 I did at the altar. But we're taught relationships don't 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:36.320 work unless there's a little bit of compromise. My question 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:39.680 is how do you find the balance between compromise and 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:43.040 choosing yourself? That's really, really real. Here's the thing. I 0:13:43.080 --> 0:13:44.960 feel like I've made a lot of mistakes and relationships 0:13:44.960 --> 0:13:47.680 in the past, and I learned a lot. And in 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:50.320 the current relationship i'm in right now with Martha, my girlfriend, 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:52.840 I said, in the beginning, listen, I'm not gonna go 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:55.520 there sexually with you until I want to commit to you, 0:13:56.040 --> 0:14:01.640 which never happened previously, right it was sexual chemistry. And 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:05.360 then we'll commit now without having the conversations to see 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:07.760 if you need to compromise for something. And then I said, 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:10.280 the only way I'm willing to get into a new 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:13.240 relationship is if my partner is willing to do therapy 0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:16.439 with me from the starting, so we both need to 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:19.160 be on the healing journey together. I don't really think 0:14:19.160 --> 0:14:22.200 it is compromised. It's more healthy alignment of do I 0:14:22.240 --> 0:14:25.200 agree with this, and you give that and not waiting 0:14:25.240 --> 0:14:27.840 until there's an argument, waiting until there's a breakdown, and 0:14:28.120 --> 0:14:32.680 it's been an incredibly peaceful journey doesn't mean there's not conflict, 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:36.960 but the conflict is minimized because we're both in it 0:14:37.000 --> 0:14:41.440 together and not one person is doing the world. Values 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:44.560 are aligned, so she's not compromising something because we agreed 0:14:44.640 --> 0:14:47.960 before the commitment and neither are you now exactly exactly. 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:51.520 I like that idea of healthy alignment versus compromise because 0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:56.520 that's a trigger word, compromise. I don't want to compromise 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:58.000 who I am for the rest of my life. That 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:00.040 seems like a trap. And I think we have to 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:03.360 be careful because a lot of people confuse compromises with sacrifice, 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:07.680 and to me, compromises a mutually beneficial agreement. We may 0:15:07.720 --> 0:15:09.400 have given a little bit of something, but we can 0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:12.480 sustain this. What I'm seeing a lot of relationships is 0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:16.440 you're saying, Okay, I like to go out dancing. He doesn't. 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:19.880 My compromises. I'll accept not going out dancing, But the 0:15:19.960 --> 0:15:23.840 problem is you're not happy and you can't sustain not 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:26.280 having that in your life. And now even if you 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:28.520 try to, you're gonna start to have an attitude with 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.640 now exactly now, intimacy is gonna start to get a 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:34.240 hit because he doesn't give you what you need. If 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:36.520 you are giving up something that's going to take away 0:15:36.560 --> 0:15:39.320 your ability to pour into your partner, don't do it. 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:41.320 It has to be at a level where okay, we 0:15:41.360 --> 0:15:44.000 can still show up one percent for each other. But yes, 0:15:44.080 --> 0:15:46.760 I don't mind moving a little bit on this issue, 0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:48.720 and you move a little bit here so we can 0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:52.080 meet in the middle. For people that are listening to this, 0:15:52.200 --> 0:15:56.760 if you can imagine how much time that takes, you 0:15:56.760 --> 0:15:59.000 know what I mean, how much time that takes to 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:02.640 get to that space, how much understanding that you have 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:05.840 to have of the other person. It takes time. This 0:16:05.920 --> 0:16:08.960 is not stuff that happens overnight. And if you think 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:12.200 about how we just jump into relationships and jump in 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.920 the bed and yeah, and we want to like we 0:16:14.960 --> 0:16:18.440 want this. We had this idea of what relating is 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:21.320 supposed to be. God, I wish I had this information 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:25.920 years ago. Deep te, did that answer your question for you? Yeah? 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:29.200 It does, thank you. Oh, I'm so glad. So you 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:36.400 might recognize Michelle Young from the Bachelorette. What's your question, Michelle? 0:16:36.760 --> 0:16:40.720 So I came into reality TV, falling in love and 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:44.480 the public eye, and it didn't work out. It was 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:46.320 best that it didn't work out. But now that I'm 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:49.120 healing and going on that journey, how do I move 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:53.080 on and find a way to date now that I 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:57.040 am in the public eye. I want a relationship where 0:16:57.120 --> 0:16:59.720 somebody doesn't know who I am. In the day of 0:16:59.800 --> 0:17:03.720 so social media, in the day of dating apps, you know, 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:05.679 going to the club. I don't want to meet my 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:07.679 forever person at the club. That's not where I'm going 0:17:07.720 --> 0:17:09.960 to meet them. So how do I do that? Where 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:13.280 do I search for somebody organically where they don't know 0:17:13.320 --> 0:17:15.600 who I am. Your platform is going to be your 0:17:15.600 --> 0:17:17.960 biggest weakness if you're not careful, and it's going to 0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:20.919 pose as your biggest strength because it will look like 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:23.040 the place where you can get all of this attention, 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:25.160 and everyone goes, look how many options you have, Look 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:26.800 how many people are in your d m s. This 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:29.200 is crazy. You can have your pick, but the problem 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:31.679 is every single one of them picked you for a 0:17:31.760 --> 0:17:36.199 bad reason. The hard part for you is talking to 0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:39.960 someone who has no idea who you are, which makes 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:43.199 it much more likely you'll get rejected. But if you 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:46.600 can sustain the rejections in places where people don't care 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:50.480 who you are, then you actually might find someone who 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:52.719 starts to care about who you are for all the 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:55.320 right reasons. This is why I think it's really important 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:58.000 to meet people in different contexts other than the ones 0:17:58.119 --> 0:17:59.879 that you might be meeting them in. You kind of 0:18:00.040 --> 0:18:02.280 have to start looking in some polls of people that 0:18:02.359 --> 0:18:05.280 actually don't care about any of that to begin with, Right, 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:08.639 that's interesting. Yeah, you know, I've gone through a you know, 0:18:08.760 --> 0:18:10.920 very public divorce, and so most people I come in 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:13.120 contact with, most women I come in, they know more 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:15.920 about me than I know about them, and so that's 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:18.640 some strange dynamic. But what I would say to you 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:21.160 is part of the way to find it. Don't look 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:26.920 for it, like I just don't. It's going to happen me. 0:18:27.080 --> 0:18:31.080 I know you deal with this. People know who you are, yeah, 0:18:31.520 --> 0:18:37.679 um or not, but at some point you know it 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:41.280 comes up. Yeah, you definitely want to meet people organically, 0:18:41.920 --> 0:18:44.160 Like I don't do the dating sites, been there done, 0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:47.560 They just don't work for me. They don't work for me. 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:51.399 But I met somebody at home depot and that crazy. 0:18:51.440 --> 0:18:53.400 I don't know where it's gonna go. But I'm saying 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.960 it was just an organic thing and and just to 0:18:56.040 --> 0:18:59.119 talk and spend time. And um. Then yesterday it' funny 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.359 because we talked and I old him, I said, I 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:03.800 don't know if you know, because you don't know. You 0:19:03.840 --> 0:19:05.960 don't know what people know. He didn't know, and you 0:19:06.000 --> 0:19:09.720 look for the reaction. He never broke character, so to speak. 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:12.520 He kind of stayed true to to who he was. 0:19:12.640 --> 0:19:16.280 He was not impressed. If you're impressed, that's an issue. 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:20.760 If you are just if you're a friend to buy it, 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:24.400 that's an issue. It didn't sway him. It didn't sway 0:19:24.480 --> 0:19:27.159 him at all. So read why doesn't this dating sites 0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:30.440 work for you? Though? I prefer to have somebody say, hey, girl, listen, 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:33.280 I got a friend, because there's a paper trail somebody, 0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:38.320 can you know, vouch for this person? Scare me? There's 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:41.080 too much work I have to do. Got it? You know? 0:19:41.119 --> 0:19:43.879 Because you can present any anything you want to present, 0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:48.520 You can pretend to be somebody. It's just too much, Yes, 0:19:48.960 --> 0:19:51.159 it just it has not worked. So how did you 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:54.359 meet someone at home? Defense out they're looking for some tile, 0:19:57.600 --> 0:19:59.639 just needed some tile and was just there at the 0:19:59.680 --> 0:20:03.240 same time, say please started conversation. Because I'm a woman, 0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:05.159 I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways. I'm not 0:20:05.200 --> 0:20:06.879 going to go up to I'm not going to pursue 0:20:06.880 --> 0:20:09.159 a man. I'm not going to do that. He's going 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:12.280 to have to pursue show interest first, and once he does, 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:15.320 I'll give it back. What you say is very very common. 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:17.120 I'm a woman. I don't want to make the first move. 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:19.720 If you say you're old fashioned and that's why you're 0:20:19.760 --> 0:20:21.560 not making the first move, then you don't know what 0:20:21.600 --> 0:20:24.840 old fashioned was. Old fashioned was walking past a guy 0:20:25.119 --> 0:20:30.000 inadvertently dropping the handkerchief, and then and then you kept walking, 0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:33.400 and he saw an extraordinary opportunity to be a man, 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:35.720 and he picked it up. And he'd walk over and 0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:38.879 he'd say, madam, you dropped this, and she'd say did I? 0:20:40.240 --> 0:20:43.159 And they now have a conversation that he thought was 0:20:43.320 --> 0:20:48.320 his idea, but it wasn't. It was hers. She chose him. 0:20:48.680 --> 0:20:51.080 That's not comfortable for me. I didn't know how to 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:55.000 do that. I'm very friendly. You can flip your pretty 0:20:55.040 --> 0:20:58.840 hair and be like people don't know this because I'm 0:20:58.840 --> 0:21:01.840 an extroverted in revert. But there's a little shyness there 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:06.480 no no, no, no, no, no, there's shyness, but there's 0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:10.320 a hint of you know, the moment you didn't miss 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:13.040 a beat when Louis looked at you and said something 0:21:13.119 --> 0:21:16.720 sexual and there was immediate playfulness there. I can I'll 0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:19.639 give it back, right, But that's engaged. But that's it, 0:21:19.760 --> 0:21:22.119 that's what he's saying. It's so interesting to hear it 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:25.520 from a male perspective, in the idea of what we 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:27.760 see as going after a guy, and he's like, no, 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:33.240 it's so civil. Just your feminine essence, your feminine energy 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:36.919 is the handkerchief. You know, men live for them, maybe 0:21:37.040 --> 0:21:39.560 right if they think it's a no, they're not coming 0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:42.879 anywhere near you because it's so hard. This is what 0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:45.159 is I think sad for a lot of guys, this 0:21:45.280 --> 0:21:47.280 idea out there that if a guy likes you, he 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:51.800 comes over to you, and it's just not true for men, 0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:55.280 they just don't. And they don't because it's hard, because 0:21:55.320 --> 0:21:58.200 it's hard to go over to someone in home depot 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:01.360 and not seem like a creepy. It's a hard thing 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:04.880 to do, even for a nice guy. So just that 0:22:05.160 --> 0:22:09.879 little green light that says I I am available, for 0:22:09.920 --> 0:22:13.600 you to talk to me is something that can radically 0:22:13.680 --> 0:22:16.359 change the game. Maybe I'm just a super super nerd, 0:22:16.480 --> 0:22:18.800 but I love the what are you reading. I've come 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:20.200 up to a lot of guys and been like, oh, 0:22:20.359 --> 0:22:22.760 told story, that's fire. And now we're talking, and now 0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:26.120 we're in this whole conversation about authors and books that 0:22:26.040 --> 0:22:28.560