Speaker 1: Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the
Speaker 1: Red Tabletop podcast all your favorite episodes from the Facebook
Speaker 1: Watch show in Audio produced by Westbrook Audio and I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review on
Speaker 1: Apple podcasts. Single Dating, Divorced, Married on this special edition
Speaker 1: of Red Table Talk or expert Men who have made
Speaker 1: it their life's work to help people have healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: They've coached millions of people navigating the complicated world of love.
Speaker 1: I'm Matthew Hussey. I've been coaching for fifteen years, helping
Speaker 1: women in their love lives build the confidence they need
Speaker 1: to make really good decisions. My nameless stuff on Level. Sierre,
Speaker 1: also known as Stefan speaks um a sort of fire
Speaker 1: relationship coach, an author of ten books, and I'm all
Speaker 1: about helping people experience healthier and happier relationships. I'm Lewis
Speaker 1: House and that was a former pro athlete, written a
Speaker 1: bunch of books, got a top podcast, had many failed relationships,
Speaker 1: and now in a beautiful one. I'm Divine Franklin. I'm
Speaker 1: here as a relationship advisor and author. I'm committed to
Speaker 1: just uplifting as many people as I can. Plus a
Speaker 1: special woman with relationship wisdom to share. The man I've
Speaker 1: been looking for my whole life is me for the
Speaker 1: first time, they're joining forces to reveal their findings and experiences.
Speaker 1: Grab a notebook were retaken note, we've got a pen
Speaker 1: and paper. You don't want to miss this. Some women
Speaker 1: are just looking to have sex and that's the real deal. God,
Speaker 1: I wish I had this information. And the table, this
Speaker 1: is a table. This is so re tell us how
Speaker 1: dating has been for you. I have a meme that
Speaker 1: really captures it because it was so exciting in my
Speaker 1: younger years and now it's kind of like, what, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's not the same, but it's it's good because I'm
Speaker 1: in a healthier space, in a season of intention. So
Speaker 1: because of that, the pool has gotten smaller, and that's
Speaker 1: a good thing. It is. That's a good thing because
Speaker 1: you don't waste a lot of time with goings and
Speaker 1: situations that you know aren't even right before I would
Speaker 1: have entertained that. So it's about self love first, because
Speaker 1: if you don't, I'm serious, I can't give it if
Speaker 1: I don't have it. I can't give it if I
Speaker 1: don't have it, you know, Whoever, my partner will be
Speaker 1: I have to bring my best meat to the table.
Speaker 1: And I didn't realize how far off track I got
Speaker 1: and the lack of self love, and I came to
Speaker 1: a place where I'm like the man I've been looking for.
Speaker 1: My whole life is me. When we look to other
Speaker 1: people to give us something that we're void of, we
Speaker 1: set them up to fail. That's what we do, and
Speaker 1: we set ourselves up to be very disappointed. To me,
Speaker 1: the saddest thing, the thing that drives me in all
Speaker 1: of this when people say, why you whatever you want
Speaker 1: to call me a dating coach or whatever, why are
Speaker 1: you that thing? I think they think that I'm going
Speaker 1: to say, because finding love is the most important thing
Speaker 1: in life. Actually, to me, it's not that that's the
Speaker 1: most important thing in life. Is that if you make
Speaker 1: bad decisions in that area, then the wrong love can
Speaker 1: corrupt everything in your life. You can run out of
Speaker 1: the clock on your time, you can run out the
Speaker 1: clock on your energy, you become bitter, and even the
Speaker 1: good thing. You can have a job you love, you
Speaker 1: can have a family you love, it will poison your
Speaker 1: energy and all of those things. If you're unhappy here
Speaker 1: what you said, sure, he is really important to me
Speaker 1: because you've got to a point and that allows you
Speaker 1: then to be very discriminating when it comes to who
Speaker 1: do I need in my life and who do I
Speaker 1: not When I see couples who stay together no matter what,
Speaker 1: you start teaching kids this other message that the ultimate
Speaker 1: failure is being alone. The ultimate failure is to leave something.
Speaker 1: We don't teach enough, the idea that having no thing
Speaker 1: is better than having the wrong thing when it comes
Speaker 1: to our love life. Dn't know you didn't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is a but we gotta share, y'all. So we
Speaker 1: have a whole wall of single women joining us with
Speaker 1: burning questions about the complicated world of relationships. Some of
Speaker 1: them have even taken their search for a partner to
Speaker 1: the next level, appearing on popular dating shows and hoping
Speaker 1: to find love. So let's say hello to all the
Speaker 1: single ladies. First up is Teresa, who said she's notoriously
Speaker 1: bad at dating. She even tried to find a partner
Speaker 1: using her zodiac sign on the Amazon series Cosmic Love.
Speaker 1: Hi guys, Hey Teresa. I consider sexual chemistry a big
Speaker 1: priority when I am dating someone, but it hasn't been
Speaker 1: serving me well. So I've been wondering if maybe I
Speaker 1: need to slow things down and try the opposite, even
Speaker 1: though it is such a huge priority for me. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's real, great question. I'm gonna let you take that.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, a lot of guys start off in
Speaker 1: a relationship around sexual chemistry first and instead, that's the
Speaker 1: mistake I made for many years, is not creating the
Speaker 1: foundation of spiritual connection and really getting clear on what
Speaker 1: are my values and do your values match up? What
Speaker 1: is my vision for a life for a relationship and
Speaker 1: does your vision matchup? Do we have shared aligned lifestyles?
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of us, myself included, it
Speaker 1: was all about this sexual attraction, Like you look good.
Speaker 1: I want to experience what that might feeling talking to me,
Speaker 1: I'm talking to what's going on? But I think I
Speaker 1: think sexual attraction is a good thing if there's a
Speaker 1: spiritual connection tied to it. But I think you need
Speaker 1: that spiritual connection before we sexually bond. And then let
Speaker 1: me ask you a question, how long do you think
Speaker 1: it takes a dude to come to that realization? Oh man,
Speaker 1: that took me to thirty eight years because I repeat
Speaker 1: the pattern thinking a new person is going to give
Speaker 1: me a different outcome. I wasn't realizing where my wounds were.
Speaker 1: Once I started the heal, I realized that I was
Speaker 1: the common denominator of every relationship that didn't work because
Speaker 1: when I was fully honest, which most women from my
Speaker 1: personal experience, weren't able to handle the truth of my values,
Speaker 1: my vision, what I want, what I believe in in
Speaker 1: a relationship, and so would scare them. And then I
Speaker 1: would coward and I would say, well, actually, you know,
Speaker 1: I'll agree with you here, I'll agree a little bit
Speaker 1: with you here, I'll give it. I'll abandoned my I'll
Speaker 1: abandoned myself to make you happy because I don't want
Speaker 1: to rock the boat, you know, I don't want to
Speaker 1: shake this big table. And I think lacking that courage
Speaker 1: created conflict deeper in the relationship, as opposed to being
Speaker 1: fully honest, upfront and kind of pushing away people that
Speaker 1: aren't in alignment so I could be my honest self
Speaker 1: and not the image of the best self. I believe
Speaker 1: love is commitment to your well being. So if I
Speaker 1: say I love you, then that means I have to
Speaker 1: be committed to your well being. If you say you
Speaker 1: love me, that means my well being is important to you.
Speaker 1: That means it's got to show up in how we act,
Speaker 1: right Because let's say I love you, it's words are
Speaker 1: cheat I mean, listen, I love you cost nothing. It's
Speaker 1: in the air, it's out and not just my emotional
Speaker 1: well being, my spiritual being, my well being to me,
Speaker 1: it's about that because then we can actually feel like
Speaker 1: this person really does want my best interest at all.
Speaker 1: It's not just romantic Absolutely, no relationship can thrive off
Speaker 1: of independence on either side. It's all about interdependence. We
Speaker 1: have to lean on each other, we have to do
Speaker 1: for each other. That has to be there. So that's
Speaker 1: what we're trying to figure out here, how to have
Speaker 1: that energetic interdependence between the ship. I think you have
Speaker 1: to look at it like some people are looking for
Speaker 1: an experience and other people are looking for a real
Speaker 1: relationship and experience. Chemistry, sexual attraction, it's all an experience.
Speaker 1: What you're talking about, Devon is a standard standard for
Speaker 1: how I choose to love, and that requires discipline. So
Speaker 1: in a way, what you're really looking for is for
Speaker 1: a person a with knowledge. How do you get to
Speaker 1: the point where you value connection spiritually compatibility, giving love
Speaker 1: more than just chemistry, and you can say, okay, well,
Speaker 1: there's the guy that struggles to get there because he
Speaker 1: never has the thing that Lewis you had. You're a
Speaker 1: good looking guy with options, right, it's successful. You're very attractive,
Speaker 1: so you got to experience that and go it didn't work.
Speaker 1: A lot of men never really get to play it
Speaker 1: out and say it didn't work, so it's like stuck,
Speaker 1: and so their whole life they're trying to date the
Speaker 1: cheerleader because they they're eight and still imagining what it
Speaker 1: would be like, so they never got there. Then there's
Speaker 1: the guy that gets there and has access and does
Speaker 1: all those things and realizes it doesn't work. But realizing
Speaker 1: something doesn't work doesn't stop you replaying the same addiction
Speaker 1: over and over in your life. You have to then
Speaker 1: have the discipline to say, Okay, I like pizza, but
Speaker 1: I can't eat pizza every day. That can't be my life.
Speaker 1: You don't stop eating pizza because pizza stops being delicious.
Speaker 1: You stop eating pizza because you value the way you
Speaker 1: feel when you live better. And so for a guy
Speaker 1: who stops just chasing the gratification, it's not that there's
Speaker 1: not still that urge. It's just that something more nutritional
Speaker 1: became the thing value. One thing that I've discovered is
Speaker 1: that we're not all wired the same. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of men they value committed relationship. Then you have the
Speaker 1: other guy who wants to be with a bunch of
Speaker 1: different women. You have to just be mindful of. Okay,
Speaker 1: what kind of man do I want to get with?
Speaker 1: Like if you surveyed most men, most men are just
Speaker 1: happy with I got food on my table, a roof
Speaker 1: over my head, my kneeds are being met. I'm fine.
Speaker 1: Then there's other men who want more in life. They
Speaker 1: go after more. They show that same attribute in their
Speaker 1: business and their career. That kind of man takes a
Speaker 1: longer time to develop when it comes to settle down
Speaker 1: one woman, I'm good here. The other guy, he's fine,
Speaker 1: you'll never care for another woman. But I think the
Speaker 1: unfortunate problem is that man who's very driven tends to
Speaker 1: exude a lot of mask and energy. Women tend to
Speaker 1: be more drawn to that. Well, you know that's very primal, right,
Speaker 1: you know, Like how men are? You know, it's like
Speaker 1: it's problem when you see a fine woman who's got
Speaker 1: a nice body, So as a woman when you see
Speaker 1: a driven in who's out, you know, conquering the world
Speaker 1: and let's go, and you're like, damn, he's gonna kill
Speaker 1: that Lion's got the village. But women have to understand
Speaker 1: what comes with that, right. It's like, hey, you're dealing
Speaker 1: with a lion, you know, versus versus stepping up to
Speaker 1: that line and expecting that line to act like a
Speaker 1: kitty cat, you know what I mean. But if you
Speaker 1: want that driven, masculine, ambitious energy, you better be prepared
Speaker 1: for what comes with it. And I think a lot
Speaker 1: of times we as women have to have more understanding
Speaker 1: where you know, a lot of times we get connected
Speaker 1: to that oh my goodness, he can provide. He's dynamic,
Speaker 1: and it's like all right, but just know it's a
Speaker 1: lot that's gonna come with that boo. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: It's gonna be a journey, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: And so I think it's really important for women to
Speaker 1: understand these different kind of characteristics of the of the
Speaker 1: male kingdom. You know, the point you're making is critical
Speaker 1: for this reason. Don't marry a lion and then want
Speaker 1: them to be a kitty cat. But that thing that
Speaker 1: attracts is then the thing that you can detest and
Speaker 1: a commits relationship because it's like you love the idea
Speaker 1: that you know, I'm out there and conquering the world,
Speaker 1: But then that means I'm not gonna be home right
Speaker 1: Like that means I have another calling and a thing
Speaker 1: and a passion. And so I think it's very critical
Speaker 1: with understanding who it is you're going for and appreciating
Speaker 1: who they are and not saying, well, they're a lying now,
Speaker 1: but once I get them, I got plans. Yeah, what
Speaker 1: you see is what you get. There's a cute that
Speaker 1: says women Mary hoping the man will change, men marry
Speaker 1: hoping the woman will never change. So it comes down
Speaker 1: to what do you value. If you're a woman and
Speaker 1: you value most excitement and my adrenaline, always being up
Speaker 1: and always feeling like I'm like being kept on my toes,
Speaker 1: then you're going to choose a very different guy than
Speaker 1: if you're a woman who values peace. We're gonna go
Speaker 1: to another question. Deept didn't find her happily ever after
Speaker 1: on the Netflix dating show Love is Blind. I deserve
Speaker 1: somebody who knows for sure. So I'm choosing myself and
Speaker 1: I'm going to say no, my question. I think you
Speaker 1: said it best you choose yourself, and that's exactly what
Speaker 1: I did at the altar. But we're taught relationships don't
Speaker 1: work unless there's a little bit of compromise. My question
Speaker 1: is how do you find the balance between compromise and
Speaker 1: choosing yourself? That's really, really real. Here's the thing. I
Speaker 1: feel like I've made a lot of mistakes and relationships
Speaker 1: in the past, and I learned a lot. And in
Speaker 1: the current relationship i'm in right now with Martha, my girlfriend,
Speaker 1: I said, in the beginning, listen, I'm not gonna go
Speaker 1: there sexually with you until I want to commit to you,
Speaker 1: which never happened previously, right it was sexual chemistry. And
Speaker 1: then we'll commit now without having the conversations to see
Speaker 1: if you need to compromise for something. And then I said,
Speaker 1: the only way I'm willing to get into a new
Speaker 1: relationship is if my partner is willing to do therapy
Speaker 1: with me from the starting, so we both need to
Speaker 1: be on the healing journey together. I don't really think
Speaker 1: it is compromised. It's more healthy alignment of do I
Speaker 1: agree with this, and you give that and not waiting
Speaker 1: until there's an argument, waiting until there's a breakdown, and
Speaker 1: it's been an incredibly peaceful journey doesn't mean there's not conflict,
Speaker 1: but the conflict is minimized because we're both in it
Speaker 1: together and not one person is doing the world. Values
Speaker 1: are aligned, so she's not compromising something because we agreed
Speaker 1: before the commitment and neither are you now exactly exactly.
Speaker 1: I like that idea of healthy alignment versus compromise because
Speaker 1: that's a trigger word, compromise. I don't want to compromise
Speaker 1: who I am for the rest of my life. That
Speaker 1: seems like a trap. And I think we have to
Speaker 1: be careful because a lot of people confuse compromises with sacrifice,
Speaker 1: and to me, compromises a mutually beneficial agreement. We may
Speaker 1: have given a little bit of something, but we can
Speaker 1: sustain this. What I'm seeing a lot of relationships is
Speaker 1: you're saying, Okay, I like to go out dancing. He doesn't.
Speaker 1: My compromises. I'll accept not going out dancing, But the
Speaker 1: problem is you're not happy and you can't sustain not
Speaker 1: having that in your life. And now even if you
Speaker 1: try to, you're gonna start to have an attitude with
Speaker 1: now exactly now, intimacy is gonna start to get a
Speaker 1: hit because he doesn't give you what you need. If
Speaker 1: you are giving up something that's going to take away
Speaker 1: your ability to pour into your partner, don't do it.
Speaker 1: It has to be at a level where okay, we
Speaker 1: can still show up one percent for each other. But yes,
Speaker 1: I don't mind moving a little bit on this issue,
Speaker 1: and you move a little bit here so we can
Speaker 1: meet in the middle. For people that are listening to this,
Speaker 1: if you can imagine how much time that takes, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, how much time that takes to
Speaker 1: get to that space, how much understanding that you have
Speaker 1: to have of the other person. It takes time. This
Speaker 1: is not stuff that happens overnight. And if you think
Speaker 1: about how we just jump into relationships and jump in
Speaker 1: the bed and yeah, and we want to like we
Speaker 1: want this. We had this idea of what relating is
Speaker 1: supposed to be. God, I wish I had this information
Speaker 1: years ago. Deep te, did that answer your question for you? Yeah?
Speaker 1: It does, thank you. Oh, I'm so glad. So you
Speaker 1: might recognize Michelle Young from the Bachelorette. What's your question, Michelle?
Speaker 1: So I came into reality TV, falling in love and
Speaker 1: the public eye, and it didn't work out. It was
Speaker 1: best that it didn't work out. But now that I'm
Speaker 1: healing and going on that journey, how do I move
Speaker 1: on and find a way to date now that I
Speaker 1: am in the public eye. I want a relationship where
Speaker 1: somebody doesn't know who I am. In the day of
Speaker 1: so social media, in the day of dating apps, you know,
Speaker 1: going to the club. I don't want to meet my
Speaker 1: forever person at the club. That's not where I'm going
Speaker 1: to meet them. So how do I do that? Where
Speaker 1: do I search for somebody organically where they don't know
Speaker 1: who I am. Your platform is going to be your
Speaker 1: biggest weakness if you're not careful, and it's going to
Speaker 1: pose as your biggest strength because it will look like
Speaker 1: the place where you can get all of this attention,
Speaker 1: and everyone goes, look how many options you have, Look
Speaker 1: how many people are in your d m s. This
Speaker 1: is crazy. You can have your pick, but the problem
Speaker 1: is every single one of them picked you for a
Speaker 1: bad reason. The hard part for you is talking to
Speaker 1: someone who has no idea who you are, which makes
Speaker 1: it much more likely you'll get rejected. But if you
Speaker 1: can sustain the rejections in places where people don't care
Speaker 1: who you are, then you actually might find someone who
Speaker 1: starts to care about who you are for all the
Speaker 1: right reasons. This is why I think it's really important
Speaker 1: to meet people in different contexts other than the ones
Speaker 1: that you might be meeting them in. You kind of
Speaker 1: have to start looking in some polls of people that
Speaker 1: actually don't care about any of that to begin with, Right,
Speaker 1: that's interesting. Yeah, you know, I've gone through a you know,
Speaker 1: very public divorce, and so most people I come in
Speaker 1: contact with, most women I come in, they know more
Speaker 1: about me than I know about them, and so that's
Speaker 1: some strange dynamic. But what I would say to you
Speaker 1: is part of the way to find it. Don't look
Speaker 1: for it, like I just don't. It's going to happen me.
Speaker 1: I know you deal with this. People know who you are, yeah,
Speaker 1: um or not, but at some point you know it
Speaker 1: comes up. Yeah, you definitely want to meet people organically,
Speaker 1: Like I don't do the dating sites, been there done,
Speaker 1: They just don't work for me. They don't work for me.
Speaker 1: But I met somebody at home depot and that crazy.
Speaker 1: I don't know where it's gonna go. But I'm saying
Speaker 1: it was just an organic thing and and just to
Speaker 1: talk and spend time. And um. Then yesterday it' funny
Speaker 1: because we talked and I old him, I said, I
Speaker 1: don't know if you know, because you don't know. You
Speaker 1: don't know what people know. He didn't know, and you
Speaker 1: look for the reaction. He never broke character, so to speak.
Speaker 1: He kind of stayed true to to who he was.
Speaker 1: He was not impressed. If you're impressed, that's an issue.
Speaker 1: If you are just if you're a friend to buy it,
Speaker 1: that's an issue. It didn't sway him. It didn't sway
Speaker 1: him at all. So read why doesn't this dating sites
Speaker 1: work for you? Though? I prefer to have somebody say, hey, girl, listen,
Speaker 1: I got a friend, because there's a paper trail somebody,
Speaker 1: can you know, vouch for this person? Scare me? There's
Speaker 1: too much work I have to do. Got it? You know?
Speaker 1: Because you can present any anything you want to present,
Speaker 1: You can pretend to be somebody. It's just too much, Yes,
Speaker 1: it just it has not worked. So how did you
Speaker 1: meet someone at home? Defense out they're looking for some tile,
Speaker 1: just needed some tile and was just there at the
Speaker 1: same time, say please started conversation. Because I'm a woman,
Speaker 1: I'm old fashioned in a lot of ways. I'm not
Speaker 1: going to go up to I'm not going to pursue
Speaker 1: a man. I'm not going to do that. He's going
Speaker 1: to have to pursue show interest first, and once he does,
Speaker 1: I'll give it back. What you say is very very common.
Speaker 1: I'm a woman. I don't want to make the first move.
Speaker 1: If you say you're old fashioned and that's why you're
Speaker 1: not making the first move, then you don't know what
Speaker 1: old fashioned was. Old fashioned was walking past a guy
Speaker 1: inadvertently dropping the handkerchief, and then and then you kept walking,
Speaker 1: and he saw an extraordinary opportunity to be a man,
Speaker 1: and he picked it up. And he'd walk over and
Speaker 1: he'd say, madam, you dropped this, and she'd say did I?
Speaker 1: And they now have a conversation that he thought was
Speaker 1: his idea, but it wasn't. It was hers. She chose him.
Speaker 1: That's not comfortable for me. I didn't know how to
Speaker 1: do that. I'm very friendly. You can flip your pretty
Speaker 1: hair and be like people don't know this because I'm
Speaker 1: an extroverted in revert. But there's a little shyness there
Speaker 1: no no, no, no, no, no, there's shyness, but there's
Speaker 1: a hint of you know, the moment you didn't miss
Speaker 1: a beat when Louis looked at you and said something
Speaker 1: sexual and there was immediate playfulness there. I can I'll
Speaker 1: give it back, right, But that's engaged. But that's it,
Speaker 1: that's what he's saying. It's so interesting to hear it
Speaker 1: from a male perspective, in the idea of what we
Speaker 1: see as going after a guy, and he's like, no,
Speaker 1: it's so civil. Just your feminine essence, your feminine energy
Speaker 1: is the handkerchief. You know, men live for them, maybe
Speaker 1: right if they think it's a no, they're not coming
Speaker 1: anywhere near you because it's so hard. This is what
Speaker 1: is I think sad for a lot of guys, this
Speaker 1: idea out there that if a guy likes you, he
Speaker 1: comes over to you, and it's just not true for men,
Speaker 1: they just don't. And they don't because it's hard, because
Speaker 1: it's hard to go over to someone in home depot
Speaker 1: and not seem like a creepy. It's a hard thing
Speaker 1: to do, even for a nice guy. So just that
Speaker 1: little green light that says I I am available, for
Speaker 1: you to talk to me is something that can radically
Speaker 1: change the game. Maybe I'm just a super super nerd,
Speaker 1: but I love the what are you reading. I've come
Speaker 1: up to a lot of guys and been like, oh,
Speaker 1: told story, that's fire. And now we're talking, and now
Speaker 1: we're in this whole conversation about authors and books that
Speaker 1: that we love, and now I'm like learning more about him.
Speaker 1: We're not really talking about being romantic. We're talking about
Speaker 1: something different but that, but that feeling can sort of
Speaker 1: trickle in as we're talking about something. It's like it's
Speaker 1: like it's a way to meet somebody. This person may
Speaker 1: very well say, you know what, You're not my type. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: but at least I shot my shot because that confidence
Speaker 1: of this is what I want and I'm going to
Speaker 1: position my life to get what I want. I think
Speaker 1: it's critical, but I think we were specifically taught men
Speaker 1: should approach us. Yeah, we were taught that men like
Speaker 1: to hunt. That's what you hear all the time. No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: man hunt. The thing that people don't understand about the
Speaker 1: men like to hunt. Yes, men have this innate desire
Speaker 1: to conquer, face challenges, and we get a high off
Speaker 1: of that, but once emotions are involved, throw that out
Speaker 1: the window. No, man who's been a lovaful woman said,
Speaker 1: I hope she makes me chase her once we're now
Speaker 1: so invested. We don't want this to be difficult. We're
Speaker 1: hoping she reciprocates, not makes it more challenging. What you'll
Speaker 1: notice is easier for men to chase lust than it
Speaker 1: is to chase love, because when you love someone and
Speaker 1: they're not receptive to you, it hurts. When you're just
Speaker 1: lusting after the woman, all you're focused on is what
Speaker 1: you want to get from her, which is why you'll
Speaker 1: see some women have men who were never serious about you,
Speaker 1: but will chase you for years on end because they're
Speaker 1: just locked into I want this exactly, that's it. That's
Speaker 1: where the men are. Hunters kicks in, but once he's
Speaker 1: emotionally into you, he doesn't want all this resistance. That
Speaker 1: hurts too much. I do think that there are men
Speaker 1: who don't want to be aggressed upon in that way.
Speaker 1: How your actions will be perceived will be based on
Speaker 1: how much they had interested in you. So a lot
Speaker 1: of women will say, well, men don't want to be
Speaker 1: approach this way. No, he probably was never interested. He
Speaker 1: didn't want to be approached by you at all. You
Speaker 1: could have been subtle, you could have been strong. He
Speaker 1: didn't want it exactly. It didn't matter. But most men
Speaker 1: are so happy to have a woman show him that
Speaker 1: she wants him, she has interests. He's going to be
Speaker 1: receptive to that if he has interests as well. Okay.
Speaker 1: It's like when women say I don't want to ask
Speaker 1: certain questions because it might scare him away. You only
Speaker 1: scare away a man who's not serious. All right. I
Speaker 1: also understand this. I think always just be true to
Speaker 1: who you are, because if making that first move scares
Speaker 1: him off or cause you to lose value, he ain't
Speaker 1: for you. Simple. Something important in the framing of all
Speaker 1: of this is understanding that your power can't continuously come
Speaker 1: from playing hard to get. It's a problem if it does.
Speaker 1: The power has to become Okay, you got my curiosity,
Speaker 1: and my curiosity is me going out with you tonight.
Speaker 1: My attraction grows if the next week of communication after
Speaker 1: this date is good, and then you get a little
Speaker 1: more of me. If two weeks from now the communication
Speaker 1: gets bad, you suddenly, oh I'm questioning you again, and
Speaker 1: then someone says, oh, oh wow, she if I don't
Speaker 1: give her consistent energy, if I don't give her consistent communication,
Speaker 1: I've become a question mark. It's not the cat and
Speaker 1: mouse is hard to get. The challenges your standard that
Speaker 1: I'm not willing to allow someone into my life unless
Speaker 1: they can give me that standard, and then owning that
Speaker 1: standard and living up to it. Not I have a
Speaker 1: fake standard that says you have to treat me right,
Speaker 1: and then the moment they start to drift, I go
Speaker 1: come back because now what you taught someone is the
Speaker 1: exact opposite that the moment they pull back, they get
Speaker 1: more of you, not less. Ladies, does that raise your
Speaker 1: hand if that makes sense? Yes, indeed, thank you for
Speaker 1: that one. The standard is the declaration of how you
Speaker 1: feel about yourself, and you can't commise it quickly. That
Speaker 1: radiates everywhere, right, Absolutely, Some women are just looking to
Speaker 1: have sex, and that's the real deal. An experience an experienceship.
Speaker 1: Are you trying to find someone to be your life
Speaker 1: partner or do you want just an experience? Exactly? That's
Speaker 1: such an important point you're making. But you have to
Speaker 1: be real with yourself because here's what I see A
Speaker 1: lot I had a woman the other day and she said,
Speaker 1: me and this guy both have really busy schedules. We've
Speaker 1: been on three dates, we've been going seeing each other
Speaker 1: for a month and a half. How do you progress
Speaker 1: things when your schedule is so intense? And I realized,
Speaker 1: are you really saying your schedule is so intense that
Speaker 1: you don't want to like give more energy to this,
Speaker 1: And she went, well, I mean I could. I went, so,
Speaker 1: here's what's happened. You have appropriated his excuse, and in
Speaker 1: order to save face and not be vulnerable, you're making
Speaker 1: it the royal way. You're saying we're just so busy.
Speaker 1: It's a bit like saying some dating someone where you
Speaker 1: want something serious, but that person and says, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm just a really chill person. I just like to
Speaker 1: see where things mean. I don't want to put a later.
Speaker 1: I'm just like And then when your friend asks you, so,
Speaker 1: how's it going with that person? You go, well, you know,
Speaker 1: we're just like chilling and having a good time and
Speaker 1: we're just not And you go, oh, you're this person's
Speaker 1: ventriloquising you. This isn't you. You've done this so that
Speaker 1: you don't have to be vulnerable. You have to be
Speaker 1: brave enough to create what you want and then know
Speaker 1: if the busy guy with the intense schedule, which by
Speaker 1: the way, you have an intense schedule too, and you're
Speaker 1: willing to prioritize a relationship, that's where you are. If
Speaker 1: he's got busy schedule and he doesn't want to do that,
Speaker 1: then then that's okay. But know that now instead of
Speaker 1: pretending it's we have this expense, that's real top right there,
Speaker 1: because I do think that royal wet it happens a lot.
Speaker 1: So we have Violet. She's a comedian who made a
Speaker 1: name for herself with her Instagram alter ego Daddy Issues.
Speaker 1: She was crowned the memean by Vanity Fair and hosts
Speaker 1: a popular podcast about dating, What Did You Want to
Speaker 1: ask the guys? First, Ione to say thank you for
Speaker 1: all of your inside of a researching feminine energy and
Speaker 1: masking and energy, and I think we have those energies
Speaker 1: in both male and females these days. Yes, sometimes I
Speaker 1: feel like I bring out a lot of mask and
Speaker 1: energy in general. But I have noticed when i'm more
Speaker 1: my feminine energy, things come to me and I don't
Speaker 1: have to run after it. And my question is do
Speaker 1: men notice when women have mask and energy or feminine energy? Oh?
Speaker 1: Hell yeah. My research shows that men tend to be
Speaker 1: more drawn to women with feminine energy. So do you
Speaker 1: guys have any pointers on that? I want to said,
Speaker 1: Can I jump in with something, which is I think
Speaker 1: a different perspective on all of this, because I think
Speaker 1: language can be very very Yeah, because language takes us
Speaker 1: down the rabbit holes that we don't actually need to
Speaker 1: go down. I don't think masculine a feminine. Honestly, the
Speaker 1: terms themselves don't interest me very much. What interests me
Speaker 1: is that we're all many things. As there's a starting point.
Speaker 1: Maybe we have a dominant size. Fine, but you know
Speaker 1: what's boring is when we date someone who's one thing.
Speaker 1: Anyone who's one thing becomes boring. I consider myself to
Speaker 1: be a masculine person, and there's times where I love
Speaker 1: my fiance to take care of me, and it's really
Speaker 1: enjoyable for me to cut up under her arm and
Speaker 1: be like, I'm just going to be this now, and
Speaker 1: she enjoys the fact that I'm different things at different times.
Speaker 1: I enjoy the fact that she's different things at different times.
Speaker 1: There are times where it's really nice where I can
Speaker 1: step in and kind of be stereotypically manly, and she's
Speaker 1: smart enough to know that he needs this right now.
Speaker 1: But there's also other times where it's like, we're taking
Speaker 1: the trash cans out and she doesn't go, they can
Speaker 1: you take the trash cans out? She doesn't do that,
Speaker 1: she said, she grabs the heaviest trash can and she's like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to get involved. And it's called that she's
Speaker 1: like that because I go, oh, I have a real teammate.
Speaker 1: We tend to Over time, we become addicted to whatever
Speaker 1: we get the most validation for. Right if we're funny,
Speaker 1: we keep being funny, and then eventually, on a date
Speaker 1: we go we come up with the problem, why does
Speaker 1: no one ever want to sleep with me because you're
Speaker 1: just funny? And then someone else got validation young for
Speaker 1: being sexy, and they played that weapon over and over
Speaker 1: and over and over again, and they come to me, Matt,
Speaker 1: why does everyone just want to sleep with me because
Speaker 1: you're just sexy? Look at your Instagram profile. It's sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy.
Speaker 1: There's nothing else in there. There's a concept of unique parents,
Speaker 1: unique pairings, or when you find two things that are
Speaker 1: both attractive but you don't normally find in the same person.
Speaker 1: In the same person. If you can go deep with
Speaker 1: me on a date and have a great conversation and
Speaker 1: then five minutes later you can say something sexy, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, you're going to be addictive because you've
Speaker 1: got both. You know, we spend so much time going
Speaker 1: which thing should I be to me? The answer is
Speaker 1: you're gonna be both, because both is what actually is
Speaker 1: very attractive. It's not hard to find someone who's feminine
Speaker 1: all the time. It's not hard to find somebody's masculine
Speaker 1: all the time. By the way, women don't want a
Speaker 1: man who's masculine every second of the day because it
Speaker 1: becomes boring. It's just alpha alpha alpha, alpha alpha. Why
Speaker 1: is it so attractive when the alpha guy cries unique,
Speaker 1: so unique parents? That is the thing. Yes, it is
Speaker 1: lovely to watch an alpha man, and it's lovely to
Speaker 1: watch a sexy woman be a boss. Yes, if you
Speaker 1: are a woman who desires a masculine man and you
Speaker 1: tend to walk around with your mask and energy, you're
Speaker 1: gonna attract men who are more passive, more feminine, the
Speaker 1: type of men you're not really into. You can talk
Speaker 1: to a lot of successful women. If not that men
Speaker 1: don't want them, it's the type of men that want
Speaker 1: them they don't want to return. Question, yes, ladies, how
Speaker 1: many of you would rather have men that can really
Speaker 1: express more their feminine I would say no. I like
Speaker 1: a lot of men are being coddled as children, and
Speaker 1: now when they grow up, they're looking for a partner
Speaker 1: who's their mother, all right, and now they're putting the
Speaker 1: burdens on the woman because they can't stay on their
Speaker 1: own two feet. So just be real about what the
Speaker 1: energy dynamic needs to be in your relationship. Fantastic point.
Speaker 1: If you take a woman who is independent friends for herself,
Speaker 1: is quite capable. One of these things that traditionally we
Speaker 1: might associate with the masculine, and we say, why is
Speaker 1: there a lot of masculine men on't going for that woman?
Speaker 1: I would say it's nothing to do with any of
Speaker 1: those things. It's because one of the most attractive things
Speaker 1: about a relationship is I feel like I still I
Speaker 1: can do something. I feel like I can still serve you.
Speaker 1: What's confusing today is that you have a lot of
Speaker 1: women who are doing amazing things, earning money, taking away
Speaker 1: all men's normal weapons, and men don't know how to
Speaker 1: handle that because we're not used to it. I was
Speaker 1: raised by a mother who said, don't you let her
Speaker 1: carry that bag? How dare you If I came home
Speaker 1: from a date and told my mom that I let
Speaker 1: her pay half, my mom would be furious. I was
Speaker 1: brought up to think that my value was being able
Speaker 1: to take care of someone, was being able to pick
Speaker 1: up the heavy bag, was being able to pay for
Speaker 1: the check. Now I'm living in a paradigm where I
Speaker 1: have to find a different way of providing value, and
Speaker 1: that means my self worth as a man actually has
Speaker 1: to grow because guess what, I can't throw money at
Speaker 1: the problem and be important anymore. I actually have to
Speaker 1: be important by being a person of character, by being
Speaker 1: a person whose personality is enough without me doing all
Speaker 1: of these things. And women have to do a better
Speaker 1: job by the way of educating men on the fact
Speaker 1: that those things are sexy. And if they do that,
Speaker 1: I do believe men will have an easier time being
Speaker 1: with successful women because they will go oh, I still
Speaker 1: feel just as manly I still feel just as sexy.
Speaker 1: We have to know how to play off each other.
Speaker 1: If I don't know my role in my masculine energy
Speaker 1: and you and you're feminine, we will have moments where
Speaker 1: we're both being masculine. That's when the head start to
Speaker 1: but or we'll have moments where we're both being feminine,
Speaker 1: and that's going to be a problem. So if me
Speaker 1: as a woman, if I don't know how to navigate
Speaker 1: that energy, inevitably, I'm gonna knock heads up against an
Speaker 1: energy with my masculine. And let me tell you something,
Speaker 1: I don't care how much masculine a woman has in
Speaker 1: her body. It ain't even gonna of when a man
Speaker 1: brings up his you know, it's like that's a whole thing.
Speaker 1: I think my perspective of this is, um, there are
Speaker 1: times in my relationships where I've cried and been like
Speaker 1: hold me. And then there are times where I'm like,
Speaker 1: do this because you don't know how to do that
Speaker 1: right And then when you like, and there are times
Speaker 1: probably like okay, tell me what to do like, but
Speaker 1: you have that interchange and just knowing how to dance
Speaker 1: with the energy. And I think the person who knows
Speaker 1: you best is going to be able to play that
Speaker 1: with you and be a dynamic team and enjoy it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: You and Dad used to tell me a story trees
Speaker 1: don't grow without wind. You have to be able to
Speaker 1: be flexible. You have to be able to move with
Speaker 1: the way the wind blows. You can't just always be
Speaker 1: I'm like this all the time, like, no, the wind
Speaker 1: is blowing this way. Let me go like this, like
Speaker 1: you You're gonna break under the pressures of life, under
Speaker 1: the crazy ways that life throws you if you're always inflexible.
Speaker 1: And I think that's the part for me that even
Speaker 1: in being having been married, you know, I had to
Speaker 1: learn that balance. I was dealing, you know, with an incredible, dynamic,
Speaker 1: powerful woman and finding the balance of like, Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be more feminine in this moment, I am
Speaker 1: going to be more masculine. And we were able to
Speaker 1: dance and find that was really really important. Yeah, we're
Speaker 1: gonna go to cats. Millions followed her relationship journey on
Speaker 1: social media, through pregnancy, a wedding, and now divorce. We
Speaker 1: just wanted to address some of the rumors about Oh
Speaker 1: Michael are being separated. Unfortunately they are true. We are separating,
Speaker 1: and we just wanted to be transparent with you guys,
Speaker 1: because you guys have been with us from the beginning
Speaker 1: of this whole journey. Cat has a question about healing
Speaker 1: after her most recent breakup. So what question do you have,
Speaker 1: miss Cats? So I'm a single mom, The question is
Speaker 1: how do you not fail again? I don't want to
Speaker 1: fail again, and I feel so much more pressure with her.
Speaker 1: That's a heavy word failed because I remember Will had
Speaker 1: said that this was his greatest failure. Oh yeah, I
Speaker 1: had an issue with that because I didn't understand how
Speaker 1: we could do what we do as a blended family
Speaker 1: and do it as well as we do and as
Speaker 1: loving as we do and have an amazing son, and
Speaker 1: it's looked at as a failure. Yeah, it did what
Speaker 1: it was supposed to do, So that was successful, and
Speaker 1: that had to end so that something else could begin.
Speaker 1: So I think you got to be careful with putting
Speaker 1: those words because that's a heavy, heavy, heavy word. You know.
Speaker 1: I think that what we consider success in relationships has
Speaker 1: to be redefined. I've had some big lessons on that one.
Speaker 1: Relationships come into your life, and you know, I was
Speaker 1: digging on this this morning. We think we know why
Speaker 1: we're in relationships, m okay, you know, and what the
Speaker 1: journey is supposed to look like, and sometimes we have
Speaker 1: to just see what is trying to be revealed, what
Speaker 1: the healing is. It's like, oh, I wanted my marriage
Speaker 1: this way or I wanted, you know, my family that way.
Speaker 1: So how we define success, how we define why we're
Speaker 1: in relationships and the purpose of relationships is like I
Speaker 1: think sometimes we get stuck on what they are supposed
Speaker 1: to mean to us. And I really have had to
Speaker 1: get with that, you know what I mean. I've had
Speaker 1: to get with that. I think that's a wonderfully made point.
Speaker 1: I think that anytime something goes horribly wrong in our
Speaker 1: lives and we lose something so important, it's a chance
Speaker 1: to access a level of ourselves that we never would
Speaker 1: have been able to access. It seems like she's just
Speaker 1: in a space of trying to evaluate and think about
Speaker 1: what happened and he and heal, which Devon, you know,
Speaker 1: is so important before you start jumping up and thinking
Speaker 1: about another relationship, which is good to that point. And
Speaker 1: you know, cat, let me tell you when you on
Speaker 1: the other side of a marriage that did not work
Speaker 1: the way you thought, yeah, it changes everything, and so
Speaker 1: I just want to acknowledge Cat's pain. It's painful, you know,
Speaker 1: I just brought a piece of property, first piece of
Speaker 1: property in the contract. Devon Franklin, an unmarried man. I
Speaker 1: might have well broken down because I never saw this
Speaker 1: moment when we said I do. There was never a
Speaker 1: moment when we were thinking I don'tn't so to live
Speaker 1: in the I don't. You don't know what it's like
Speaker 1: until you do. So Cat is living in a moment
Speaker 1: that psychologically never even accounted for. So on some level,
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, in a moment when you're trying to
Speaker 1: heal and you're trying to you know, deal with your stuff,
Speaker 1: the ideas and the and the theories, you're like, forget that.
Speaker 1: I'm hurt. Yo, I did everything that was the used
Speaker 1: to be done, and it's still got me here. So
Speaker 1: I would say to you, Cat, like it's okay to
Speaker 1: feel how you feel. I just applaud your courage to
Speaker 1: just admit, like, Yo, this is what I'm going through.
Speaker 1: The one thing I had to do navigating this is
Speaker 1: just be easy with myself. So Cat, I would just
Speaker 1: encourage you be easy with you, you know, love you,
Speaker 1: you know, care for yourself and give yourself grace because
Speaker 1: you're gonna feel a whole lot of ways and a
Speaker 1: whole lot of days. And it's okay, it's all right.
Speaker 1: It's all right because love is hard and it's painful
Speaker 1: in relationships don't work. So catt for whatever that's worth.
Speaker 1: I share your pain, and you know, just applaud your process.
Speaker 1: I want to add to cat because how can you
Speaker 1: trust you're gonna succeed? How can you trust that you
Speaker 1: won't fail again? Every woman, I've sat down with divorces
Speaker 1: after relationship and I asked them, at any point your
Speaker 1: spirit of intuition tell you this wasn't the man for you.
Speaker 1: The answer is yes. But I'm a huge believer in
Speaker 1: woman's intuition. Y'all can know in the first conversation this
Speaker 1: isn't it, But you rationalize reasons to put past that
Speaker 1: and give the guy a chance, and then yes, that
Speaker 1: can turn into months, years, whatever relationship that never should
Speaker 1: have started. It isn't to beat yourself up about it
Speaker 1: and feel bad about it, but it's to help you
Speaker 1: going forward. Your intuition knows. I haven't found a woman's
Speaker 1: intuition to be wrong. That hasn't been my experience. So
Speaker 1: I just encouraged to really tap into that. And in
Speaker 1: order for you to do that, you have to make
Speaker 1: sure you heal from what you've experienced, but not just
Speaker 1: from this past relationship, from everything in your past, because
Speaker 1: a lot of people make the mistake of just healing
Speaker 1: from that recent breakup, that recent disappointment, and they haven't
Speaker 1: uncovered the route or what even got you in that situation.
Speaker 1: To begins, I want to add that real quick. I've
Speaker 1: got a photo of my childhoodself on my phone, so
Speaker 1: I've been doing that for the last two years because
Speaker 1: we have to go back to the earliest childhood memories
Speaker 1: and heal the wounds of the past. So now I'm
Speaker 1: that young version of me that was banded or hurt
Speaker 1: or abused and developing a healthy relationship that way. Cat,
Speaker 1: I hope you've got some of your questions answered and
Speaker 1: we are wishing you the best with you in that
Speaker 1: beautiful Angel, You Angel. We have a question from Sierra
Speaker 1: Miller from the hit Bravo series Some House. Hey, Sierra,
Speaker 1: what's your question? Okay, so one, I've learned so much already,
Speaker 1: so to keep it short and simple, I come from
Speaker 1: to divorce, parents child of divorce, and as I'm dating,
Speaker 1: I typically date with the intention of I do eventually
Speaker 1: want to be married one day. I want to have babies,
Speaker 1: and I want to break the generational patterns. How do
Speaker 1: you decipher like a real red flag versus something that
Speaker 1: could be worked on. I feel like sometime meet guys,
Speaker 1: they might mimic my dad and a sense and you
Speaker 1: know who wasn't always the most present. There are some
Speaker 1: things that are red flags. There are some things that
Speaker 1: are amber lights. I actually am a little distasteful of
Speaker 1: the current culture we have, and I'm part of it
Speaker 1: because these video titles do well on YouTube. You know,
Speaker 1: five red flags to worry about, blah blah. You get
Speaker 1: to the point where you go, oh my god, so
Speaker 1: many things are a red flag. I shouldn't even be
Speaker 1: allowed to date any more red flags. You get to
Speaker 1: a point where you go, okay, not everything can be
Speaker 1: a red flag. Some things are amber lights, and an
Speaker 1: amberlite is an invitation to a conversation. Every great relationship
Speaker 1: gets better with conversation, not worse. If you have the
Speaker 1: conversation and someone attacks you. If you have the conversation
Speaker 1: and now they go cold for two weeks if you
Speaker 1: have the conversation and someone starts using your insecurities against you,
Speaker 1: and everyone can have a bad reflexive reaction because the
Speaker 1: fact is none of us like to be criticized and
Speaker 1: called out, so we're all entitled to a little bit
Speaker 1: of defensiveness. But it goes back to that well being
Speaker 1: things like if you really want my well being, you're
Speaker 1: gonna be like, Okay, you're hurt. Exactly exactly does the
Speaker 1: conversation make things better? If it doesn't, red flag if
Speaker 1: it does, Okay, let's keep going. Yeah, and not to
Speaker 1: just the conversation, but whether you see any change in actions,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, any actions versus just words,
Speaker 1: because everybody can talk. Yeah, I'm just saying. And I
Speaker 1: would also say it's okay to have the intention of
Speaker 1: wanting your marriage to work out when you get married,
Speaker 1: but I would try to alleviate yourself from the stress
Speaker 1: and the pressure of the generations and people that had
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you that came before you, because
Speaker 1: then that could be a weight on your marriage and
Speaker 1: you might not make the best decisions for yourself because
Speaker 1: you're trying to protect an ideal versus like that was
Speaker 1: mom and dad, that's not my story and write your
Speaker 1: own story and feel comfortable with that. Does that answer
Speaker 1: your question for you? Yes, definitely. Thank you, appreciate you
Speaker 1: so welcome. Thank you. This has been awesome and we
Speaker 1: need to do a part two. And thank you all
Speaker 1: you beautiful women for being here with us, our beautiful wall.
Speaker 1: This was a good discussion. Don't dope. That was dope.
Speaker 1: This was dope. This was so awesome. Wait we needed
Speaker 1: by three more hours, Oh my goodness. Yes, Part two.
Speaker 1: To join the red table Talk family and become a
Speaker 1: part of the conversation, follow us at facebook dot com
Speaker 1: slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to this episode
Speaker 1: of Red Table Talk podcast, produced by Facebook Watch, Westbrook Audio,
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio.