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Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hi Lola, Welcome to an Unlikely Affair. Hello,

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Speaker 1: my loves, We're back with an unlikely affair.

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Speaker 2: Hi Amber.

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Speaker 3: I always hate when you're through my screen. I know,

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Speaker 3: I know you look hot today by the way I do. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: I'm trying.

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Speaker 2: I'm really trying.

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Speaker 4: I figured what if I FaceTime avoid today, I'm gonna

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Speaker 4: need him to finally see me with a face on

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Speaker 4: instead of just always in a bed.

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Speaker 3: I don't know why, yeah, but you're beautiful either way.

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Speaker 2: Well, you gotta let him know. Here's the thing.

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Speaker 4: I always say, you need to FaceTime them when you're

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Speaker 4: like in your unwind moment, no makeup on, because it's

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Speaker 4: better for them to see you that way for like

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Speaker 4: the first time and then glamed out because they're like,

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Speaker 4: oh shit rather than oh shit.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, here you go, this is me in my

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Speaker 4: truest form. If you're not attracted to it, I suggest

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Speaker 4: you go bye bye.

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Speaker 2: No, you're good, It's all good. You're good too. How

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Speaker 2: are you this morning? Fired the fuck up? Let's go baby, Yes,

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Speaker 2: room room.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I didn't even have a full cup of

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Speaker 3: coffee and I'm ready to like.

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Speaker 2: Start launching grenades.

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Speaker 4: Oh Yeah, the cockroaches are alive and fucking well at all.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they are. I know what is that?

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Speaker 3: I posted something the other day and it said my

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Speaker 3: personality is mother Teresa or somewhere between mother Teresa and motherfucker.

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Speaker 3: So now every day I want you to say, is

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Speaker 3: this my mother Teresa or is this motherfucker? I say,

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Speaker 3: I'm that.

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Speaker 4: Well, today's a great day to be that, especially because

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Speaker 4: we're like talking about sex. I love that we're having

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Speaker 4: a sex therapist who's a man, because I've had sex

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Speaker 4: therapists on in the past, back when it was give

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Speaker 4: them La la, and it's always female, which is great, Like,

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Speaker 4: I too could use a few tips and tricks. And

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Speaker 4: you know, she said the number one thing that women

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Speaker 4: needed was lube, and I was like, wow, I thought

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Speaker 4: I was good in that area, but you know, like

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Speaker 4: God given lube, but apparently I need the man made

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Speaker 4: as well because it's life changing and it is.

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Speaker 2: So today I'm super excited.

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Speaker 4: Okay, So I have to tell you one thing before

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Speaker 4: we before we jump into the episode.

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Speaker 2: Right, I've never been in this situation before.

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Speaker 4: So I've been single for four and a half years, right,

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Speaker 4: and like when I started dating you, and I have

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Speaker 4: talked about this. I kept attracting men who would like

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Speaker 4: love bomb me and then disappear, and I was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: we got to do some work because we're attracting people

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Speaker 4: who are not good for you and toxic. So finally,

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Speaker 4: as we talked about on the last episode or maybe

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Speaker 4: a couple ago, I was like, this is the year

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Speaker 4: that I'm going to open myself up and be open

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Speaker 4: to putting my guard down and welcoming love because I

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Speaker 4: deserve that. So I'm talking to this guy and he's

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Speaker 4: quite a bit younger than me, and we're trying to

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Speaker 4: figure out when we're going to see each other. So

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Speaker 4: we're like on FaceTime, trying to coordinate schedules whatever, and

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Speaker 4: he was like, you know, you could come out here

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Speaker 4: or I'm more than happy to come out there. I

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Speaker 4: just don't know what your situation is. And I was like,

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Speaker 4: like living situation and he goes, yeah, because I know

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Speaker 4: you have kids, and I said yes, as you know,

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Speaker 4: like I share one, but my other is like here

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Speaker 4: full time, full time resident baby and he goes yeah,

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Speaker 4: he goes, I can get a hotel. I just don't

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Speaker 4: know if I would be ready to meet your kids.

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Speaker 4: Yet like I think that might be weird so soon

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Speaker 4: when I tell you, I wanted to jump through the

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Speaker 4: phone and fuck him up, as if you would have

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Speaker 4: the luxury of meeting my children, and as if you

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Speaker 4: would even have a say and whether you do, like right, right, right.

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Speaker 2: So that's age too. He's young. He doesn't know.

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Speaker 3: His brain's not fully developed yet. Twenty seven, not even.

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Speaker 4: Twenty he's not even twenty seven, Like he just barely lot.

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Speaker 3: Of his Lawsah, I'm sitting here and I'm like, don't laugh,

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Speaker 3: turning red.

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Speaker 2: Is he still breastfeeding? I would breastfeed him. He's so high.

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Speaker 2: I know you would.

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Speaker 4: He's so high and fucking big and just sexy.

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Speaker 2: Anyway, Oh, I love this for you.

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Speaker 4: But I could tell he was trying to backtrack sort

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Speaker 4: of because like you, you could feel my energy.

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Speaker 2: Shift, like in my head. I was like, fuck this guy.

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Speaker 2: I'm never speaking to him again.

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Speaker 4: But I wanted to like relax and take I was

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Speaker 4: having an out of body experience, right, And I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 4: the intention. I've been talking to him for a little bit,

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Speaker 4: and I know his intention. He's more than happy to

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Speaker 4: have uncomfortable conversations, real honesty and again, I don't know

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Speaker 4: him super well, but I had to focus on the

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Speaker 4: intention behind it, right. But I like as after he

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Speaker 4: said it, I started like laughing in a passive aggressive way,

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Speaker 4: and I was like, you and I have only been

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Speaker 4: talking for a little bit, and although I think you're

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Speaker 4: a wonderful person so far, I would never allow you

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Speaker 4: around my kids. I was like, I, ah, no way, priorities.

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Speaker 4: They are my number one. I am very protective of them.

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Speaker 4: You would never be welcome around them. And I think

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Speaker 4: he was like, like you could tell his mind was

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Speaker 4: going like never is a strong, a very strong word

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Speaker 4: which I love to throw around. I'm like, I'll never

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Speaker 4: date a man ever again. And here we are talking

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Speaker 4: about a man. But I've never experienced that before where

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Speaker 4: we have to have that conversation.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I think what I'm hearing from you is

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Speaker 3: that you went into mama bear mode. You know, like

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Speaker 3: your kids will always be your priority. When you're a

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Speaker 3: full time single mom and you have your kids the

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Speaker 3: majority of the time, how do you mix this in?

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Speaker 3: How do you find time for sex life, how do

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Speaker 3: you go out on dates? How do you juggle all

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Speaker 3: of these things?

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I didn't have the answer.

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Speaker 3: I wish someone would tell me the answer because I'm

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Speaker 3: still trying to figure it out.

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Speaker 2: But it's hard.

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Speaker 4: It's very hard. And we continued the conversation. He was like,

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Speaker 4: you know, I've never talked to a woman or been

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Speaker 4: with a woman who has kids before, so I think

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Speaker 4: I would struggle to find my place again. He's very young,

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Speaker 4: and he was like, you know, when I think about it,

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Speaker 4: I would think that, like I see myself in the

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Speaker 4: father role. But if they're not my kids, but I'm

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Speaker 4: in a father figure role, there's a boundary because I'm not.

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Speaker 3: The actual dad. And I was like, you have to stop.

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Speaker 3: I was like stop. I was like, I'm not.

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Speaker 4: Looking for anyone to fulfill a father figure role. In fact,

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Speaker 4: I'm actively trying to get rid of father's That's why

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Speaker 4: I have any donor. Like the whole point of having

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Speaker 4: a donor baby is so that this conversation doesn't need

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Speaker 4: to be had.

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Speaker 3: Don't worry about it, right, right, don't worry about it.

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Speaker 3: I had that conversation the other day. I literally told someone,

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Speaker 3: I said, listen again, I'm not looking and this wasn't

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Speaker 3: the chef, this was someone else. I'm not looking for

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Speaker 3: a dad for my kids, Like I had this dynamic

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Speaker 3: when I was dating the guy after. I wasn't there

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Speaker 3: too parent. I was there to be like an extra

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Speaker 3: support system in any way. I don't want to parent

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Speaker 3: anyone's kids. I'm good and I don't want anyone at

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Speaker 3: the end of the day, no one telling me how

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Speaker 3: to raise my kids. That is my biggest pet peeve.

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Speaker 3: If you want to put something in the freaking suggestion box,

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Speaker 3: I'll consider it, but I don't need you intervening. I

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Speaker 3: don't need you to tell me what I'm doing right

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Speaker 3: or wrong. It's like, I'm good, Thanks buddy, Thanks buddy,

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Speaker 3: Thanks buddy.

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Speaker 4: It's the one area in my life where I'm like,

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Speaker 4: I'm crushing this, so kindly, fuck right off.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, right, right right.

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Speaker 4: There's a lot of areas in my life where I'm like,

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Speaker 4: a lot of tweaking could be done. Motherhood, I fucking

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Speaker 4: got this, yeah for to do for today.

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Speaker 2: You never know that could change.

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Speaker 3: No one's perfect, No one has a manual on how

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Speaker 3: to raise kids. It's it's this is all. We're just

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Speaker 3: doing the best we can. And I'll tell you something,

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Speaker 3: We're doing a really good damn job.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So too. It's not perfect, it's not linear. It's

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Speaker 3: a lot of growing pains, and whenever tsually is different.

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Speaker 4: The moment you think you're crushing it with one, you

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Speaker 4: have a second, and they require a whole new set

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Speaker 4: of parenting skills that you're like, holy shit, how did

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Speaker 4: this happen?

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Speaker 2: Who are you? I don't know what to deal how

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Speaker 2: to deal with this situation.

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Speaker 4: It's a constant, but I just it was very interesting

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Speaker 4: to venture into this new phase where I'm having those conversations,

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Speaker 4: and you know, I rounded back on it because then

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Speaker 4: I started taking it as a personal attack on me,

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Speaker 4: and I was like, I just have to ad like

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Speaker 4: we had been talking now we were off this subject,

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Speaker 4: and I was like, I just it's kind of bothering me.

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Speaker 4: Do I strike you as the type of woman that

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Speaker 4: would just bring a man around my.

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Speaker 2: Kids like that?

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Speaker 4: And he was like no, I wasn't trying to say that.

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Speaker 4: There was no winning for him in that. Here's the thing.

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Speaker 3: I think that you just got triggered and you did

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Speaker 3: something you paused, which was fantastic. You composed yourself and

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Speaker 3: you said it in a kind but firm way back

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Speaker 3: to him, and if he respects you then he would

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Speaker 3: be okay with that, right, And how whatever way you

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Speaker 3: want to lead, Are we still talking to this guy

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Speaker 3: or do we put him to the side?

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Speaker 2: Did we bench you?

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Speaker 4: We didn't bention him because I could throughout the rest

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Speaker 4: of the conversation there were little things that he was

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Speaker 4: saying where I could tell that his intention was not

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Speaker 4: He wasn't trying to offend me, you know. And there

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Speaker 4: are times where I say things and people focus on

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Speaker 4: how I said it, and I'm like, I really wish,

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Speaker 4: I really want you to know the intention behind it.

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Speaker 4: So if I'm going to I have to practice what

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Speaker 4: I preach. The rest of the conversation was lovely. He's like,

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Speaker 4: very easy to talk to. I dig him. It's like

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Speaker 4: the plus and the minus are the same thing. I'm like,

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Speaker 4: the plus is he's young. I'm like, the negative is

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Speaker 4: that he's young. They are just things that life experiences,

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Speaker 4: no matter what career you're in, and like the life

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Speaker 4: that he gets to live and see, you just don't

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Speaker 4: have the life experience that I.

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Speaker 2: Have quite yet.

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Speaker 4: And he's very intelligent, but a book cannot teach you

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Speaker 4: life experience.

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Speaker 2: So no, he's not on pause. He's not on pause. OHI, well,

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Speaker 2: I love this.

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Speaker 3: I can't wait to continue the conversation. But I'm very

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Speaker 3: excited because we have a guest that I've been wanting

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Speaker 3: to talk to. I finished one of his books and

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Speaker 3: now I'm halfway through another book, and it's doctor Ian Kerner,

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Speaker 3: and he's a licensed psychotherapist. He is a nationally recognized

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Speaker 3: sex therapist and a New York Times best selling author. Okay,

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Speaker 3: the title of his book, are you ready for this?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Tell me?

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Speaker 3: It's called The First One is she Comes First?

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Speaker 2: Cum No?

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Speaker 3: And then yes, love that? And then his newer book

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Speaker 3: is so tell Me About the Last Time You had Sex? Okay,

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Speaker 3: And that's more about intimacy. It's I'm super excited. This

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Speaker 3: is going to be a great conversation. Did you read

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Speaker 3: the coms first? Of course I did, obviously, obviously, And

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Speaker 3: that was more I took it as more of a

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Speaker 3: like biological scientific kind of approach. This one, this newer book,

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Speaker 3: So tell Me About the Last Time He Had Sex,

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Speaker 3: is more of a guide to relationships and like, let's

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Speaker 3: I want to diving because I have so many questions

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Speaker 3: for him, and I love a male's perspective.

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Speaker 4: Oh, I've never had one so let's get him in here.

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Speaker 4: Let's get him in here, bring him at Toronto.

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Speaker 5: Hey, how are you good?

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Speaker 2: How are you good? We're so excited to have you.

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Speaker 4: I have to be honest, I've never had a male's

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Speaker 4: perspective on a lot of these topics, which I guess

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Speaker 4: is strange. I guess maybe when you're in an intimate

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Speaker 4: partnership you should be having these conversations. Hence, maybe why

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Speaker 4: I'm not in a relationship because all the important shit

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Speaker 4: I don't talk about.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, I mean I think that you have to

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Speaker 5: be communicating in relationships. You know, I just watched I've

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Speaker 5: been watching heated rivalry and the things people are everyone's

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Speaker 5: talking about it. But the thing I like most is

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Speaker 5: the way they are talking about sex, not just the

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Speaker 5: sex being hot, but what feels good, what doesn't. I

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Speaker 5: love that it doesn't hinge all around intercourse the way

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Speaker 5: heterosexual sex does, and they engage in all these what

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Speaker 5: I call outer course activities. So yeah, I think it's

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Speaker 5: a great example of the importance of communicating.

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Speaker 4: You just said exactly what I have been trying to

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Speaker 4: Sometimes my brain is working but my mouth can't catch up.

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Speaker 4: What you just said is exactly how I felt about

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Speaker 4: heated rivalry. So thank you for saying that, because you

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Speaker 4: just nailed it absolutely.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, it was. I think anybody who wants to learn

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Speaker 5: how to talk about sex, how to be creative about sex,

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Speaker 5: how to let sexuality simmer, how to maintain interesting sex,

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Speaker 5: go watch that show and get entertained.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I agree, I agree.

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Speaker 3: And you know something, So I read your first book,

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Speaker 3: She Comes First, and I learned so much about the clip,

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Speaker 3: and I learned so much about my own biology that

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Speaker 3: I didn't know that it has eight thousand nerve endings.

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Speaker 2: Is that correct?

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Speaker 5: That is right, Amber, You got clitterate.

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Speaker 4: From what I experienced last night. That sounds absolutely correct. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: that sounds right on.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: I mean, you know, so many men are still ill clittering.

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Speaker 5: They don't understand that the clitterists is the powerhouse of

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Speaker 5: female pleasure. It has external parts that we're all used

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Speaker 5: to that get stimulated, but there are also internal parts

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Speaker 5: that wrap around the entrance to the vagina which actually

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Speaker 5: make intercourse feel good and feel stimulating. Without the clitterists,

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Speaker 5: there is no real feeling around sex because vaginas are

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Speaker 5: meant to deliver babies, right, you don't want more sensitive

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Speaker 5: nerve endings deep inside the vagina. You don't want to

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Speaker 5: experience more pain or more sensation. So yeah, the Clitterist

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Speaker 5: is an amazing organ and I wrote that book over

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Speaker 5: twenty years ago and it's still a very powerful part

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Speaker 5: of my work, which is getting couples, heterosexual couples, men

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Speaker 5: and women to take a more female centric approach to

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Speaker 5: sex and to prioritize outer course all the things that

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Speaker 5: are not intercourse.

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Speaker 2: And I love that.

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Speaker 4: How does that land with a man? Usually when they're like,

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Speaker 4: oh wait, she's a part of this.

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Speaker 5: Too, you know, some men are a little threatened. Some

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Speaker 5: women are too. People like to think that penis and

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Speaker 5: vagina intercourse is the be all and end all and

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Speaker 5: organize all of their sexual events around that. I actually

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Speaker 5: meet many men, believe it or not. I meet many

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Speaker 5: men who want to be literally focused. They love going

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Speaker 5: down on their partners, they want to do more of it.

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Speaker 5: It's a very vulnerable sexual behavior and it's actually a

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Speaker 5: lot of women who are sometimes resistant to receiving that

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Speaker 5: kind of stimulation and want to try and just focus

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Speaker 5: on intercourse. So I've been surprised over the years around

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Speaker 5: the open mindedness of men to take this feedback and

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Speaker 5: some of the rigidity of women. But I think it's

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Speaker 5: also like, you know, we have genital self esteem issues.

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Speaker 5: We men. We worry about the size of our dicks

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Speaker 5: and how long we're going to last and how long

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Speaker 5: we can keep it up. And I think women have

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Speaker 5: their own set of issues around sexual self esteem.

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Speaker 2: That is so true, Like it's my biggest fear.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, when you start talking to someone and you're like, oh,

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Speaker 4: this is great, and then I go, oh, no, we're.

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Speaker 2: Gonna have sex. Fuck?

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Speaker 4: What does that mean? What does that mean exactly? Because

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Speaker 4: Amber and I are are both sober. I have a

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Speaker 4: little over seven years.

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Speaker 2: You're a year and a half. Amber a little over

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Speaker 2: a year and a half. Yeah, amazing, So thank you

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Speaker 2: very much.

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Speaker 3: So we also when we start to date, like that

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Speaker 3: social lubricant has gone as well as that.

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Speaker 4: You know, for me, the alcohol kind of put me

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Speaker 4: into my sexy and I was uninhibited and I was

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Speaker 4: down for the cause. Like you want me to eat

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Speaker 4: an ass, I'll fucking eat an ass.

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Speaker 2: Now I'm like a wait or what?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 5: You know, I work with a lot of sober people

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Speaker 5: and it is an issue. How do you disinhibit how

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Speaker 5: do you relax into sex when you're used to using alcohol,

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Speaker 5: you know, because anxiety is the enemy of arousal. And

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Speaker 5: the more we can do to get ourselves aroused, the

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Speaker 5: more you're going to be willing to eat ass again,

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Speaker 5: the more things that sound disgusting actually sound scrumptious once

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Speaker 5: we're aroused, you know. But I do agree it's a challenge,

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Speaker 5: and I think that's where setting setting comes into a

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Speaker 5: lot of comes into it and feeling very comfortable, very

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Speaker 5: emotionally safe with someone. I think, being connected to your

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Speaker 5: erotic self, and I think with a partner, maybe being

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Speaker 5: able to engage in the psychological aspects of sex, you know,

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Speaker 5: the fantasy parts of sex or the you know, Like

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Speaker 5: I see couples who won't talk about sex during sex,

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Speaker 5: and then I'll see that same couple. I've worked with

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Speaker 5: so many couples at dinner having a dinner, and you

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Speaker 5: should see them the way they're like, Oh, try this,

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Speaker 5: taste this, open up, baby, come on, come on, you

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Speaker 5: have to try it. Please. I'm like, they're having more

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Speaker 5: sex out at dinner than they're having, you know, sex

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Speaker 5: at home. So it's also about engaging the language of sex.

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Speaker 3: I love what you said in your new books, So

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Speaker 3: tell me about the last time you had sex. It's

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Speaker 3: the yes and dot dot dot and you fill in

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Speaker 3: the blank of I want to have sex tonight, yes,

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Speaker 3: and I'm going to start a bath first, or yes,

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Speaker 3: We're going to go to dinner first. Like all that

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Speaker 3: for play that's outside of the bedroom, and that starts

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Speaker 3: there even it's like a thirty second connection. Can you

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Speaker 3: talk a little bit more about that, because I really

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Speaker 3: really admire and love that approach to getting comfortable to

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Speaker 3: get to the point of where you're having in a course.

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Speaker 5: You know, I think that's so important, especially for women.

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Speaker 5: You know, male desire, there's been a lot of research.

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Speaker 5: Men experience spontaneous desire, meaning like guy sees like a beautiful,

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Speaker 5: sexy woman that sexual cue immediately metabolizes and he feels

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Speaker 5: like a move to like want to consume right. Women

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Speaker 5: also experience lust and can also experience spontaneous desire, but

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Speaker 5: more often than not experience what's called responsive desire, meaning

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Speaker 5: desire isn't the first thing you feel. It's like the

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Speaker 5: third desire warms up, desire simmers, Desire needs an environment.

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Speaker 5: You know, there's a difference between like a hot start,

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Speaker 5: we're gonna rush through the door and throw each other

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Speaker 5: on the bed, versus like a warm start that's nurturing,

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Speaker 5: that's connecting. And listen, hot starts are fun. I love them,

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Speaker 5: but warm starts are the reality of our lived lives.

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Speaker 5: And so guys, really again, that's where we have to

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Speaker 5: change our mindset. So to your point about like yes,

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Speaker 5: and Amber, I will tell couples, you know, let's say

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Speaker 5: you're gonna have sex on a Friday night, that's your

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Speaker 5: date night. When you wake up in the morning, live

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Speaker 5: your life like you want to get to the sex.

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Speaker 5: I'm not saying you have to change your day, but like,

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Speaker 5: take care of yourself, go to the gym, shut off

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Speaker 5: your phone, plan a super sexy date night, help with

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Speaker 5: the chores. If you're in a relationship, make your place

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Speaker 5: you know safe and make a setting and like prioritize

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Speaker 5: this that you want to get to. But to your point, Amber,

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Speaker 5: it's all about building you know that connection.

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Speaker 3: Right. I loved what you said about like the hot start,

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Speaker 3: which is obviously very fun, and like I love being spontaneous,

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Speaker 3: but if you think about you know something that is

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Speaker 3: going to last and be your normal.

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Speaker 2: I think if it's it's quick.

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Speaker 3: And spontaneous all the time, then how do you ever

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Speaker 3: get like that kind of has to be something that's

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Speaker 3: on a whim, because then I find that men they

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Speaker 3: want more and at some point I'm tapped out. I'm like,

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Speaker 3: I can't get any fucking kinkier and more spontaneous, Like

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Speaker 3: I'm looking, can you just like touch me and in

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Speaker 3: a nice way instead of like slapping my ass?

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Speaker 5: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: I like the softness. People may not think that, but

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Speaker 4: I do.

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Speaker 3: Do you find from a biological standpoint that women post

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Speaker 3: having babies that changes on a like the desire to

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Speaker 3: have sex changes because it's a biological thing, or they're

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Speaker 3: just exhausted and stressed and their priorities have kind of shifted.

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Speaker 3: Because I'm sure you've seen a ton of couples that

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Speaker 3: the wife doesn't want to have sex because she's doing

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Speaker 3: all the chores and dealing with the kids totally.

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Speaker 5: And I think those men that come home and want

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Speaker 5: sex should get on the floor and play with their

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Speaker 5: kids and change a diaper and clean and you know,

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Speaker 5: join in the activity and make it feel like a

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Speaker 5: shared family experience. You know. Look, sex changes over the

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Speaker 5: life cycle, and I'm getting up there in years. I've

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Speaker 5: been married for twenty five years, and I've been through

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Speaker 5: some health issues and we've had two kids, and sex

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Speaker 5: definitely changes over the life cycle, and there are hormonal shifts,

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Speaker 5: but really it's about making space for sex and for

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Speaker 5: romantic love in your lives, maintaining that erotic threat. So

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Speaker 5: let's say you're a mom and you're changing diapers and

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Speaker 5: you're picking up puke and your dad and you're running

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Speaker 5: errands and you're both stressed out. You don't have to

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Speaker 5: jump in bed to have sex, but you can have

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Speaker 5: what I call like just like an erotic charge, like

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Speaker 5: a moment with each other that reminds you, hey, I'm

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Speaker 5: in a sexual relationship. Here, we have sex. We might

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Speaker 5: not be having sex right now, but this is a

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Speaker 5: sexy sexual relationship. So I work with a lot of

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Speaker 5: couples who have just had children on sort of not

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Speaker 5: just restarting sex, but almost like having like sex two

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Speaker 5: point zero, like new sex, better sex.

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Speaker 3: Well, I love that to keep the mindset even though

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Speaker 3: we're not having sex right now, I am in a

437
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:48,560
Speaker 3: sexy relationship. Oh my gosh, you're a fucking genius. I

438
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,280
Speaker 3: love every our listeners are going to gain so much

439
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 3: from this. You have no idea do you find Because

440
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,679
Speaker 3: we live in a world that so many women and

441
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:03,359
Speaker 3: men are on SSRI or some sort of antidepressant, how

442
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 3: is that affecting the chemistry and the sex life of

443
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 3: a real relationship.

444
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 2: Because some of these, some of these completely kill your

445
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:11,600
Speaker 2: sex drive.

446
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,639
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean millions of people are on SSRIs. The

447
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,959
Speaker 5: long term effects overall don't get studied. But especially we

448
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 5: know that almost anybody who's on prozac, zoloft, lexaproach, they're

449
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 5: going to experience sexual side effects. Their desire is going

450
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,760
Speaker 5: to be diminished, their arousal is going to be diminished.

451
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,280
Speaker 5: In a woman, that might mean that sex actually feels

452
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,440
Speaker 5: different and is more painful because there isn't as much

453
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:43,280
Speaker 5: lubrication and for both, orgasms are going to be delayed,

454
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 5: sometimes nonexistent, or sometimes really muffled. So you know, going

455
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:53,520
Speaker 5: on an SSRI is a big decision. Now. Some people

456
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,040
Speaker 5: are in such bad relationships or have so much stress

457
00:24:57,119 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 5: or anxiety that going on the SSRI helps them reduce

458
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 5: that stress and anxiety and they can focus on being sexual. Look,

459
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,639
Speaker 5: where there's a will, there's a way. Ultimately, sex is

460
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,080
Speaker 5: not about being spontaneous and having that hot start. It's

461
00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 5: about two people meeting with their willingness at the same

462
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:23,640
Speaker 5: time and really leaning into that kind of let's start

463
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:27,359
Speaker 5: putting ourselves through the motions, let's start simmering. And I

464
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 5: work with lots of people who are on SSRIs, and

465
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:34,239
Speaker 5: there are pathways to mitigating some of those effects and

466
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 5: finding a path to arouse it. But make no mistake,

467
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 5: it's debilitating. And really really question before you need to

468
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,639
Speaker 5: go on that SSRI and how long do you really

469
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,160
Speaker 5: need to go on it? And can you sometimes take

470
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 5: a break from it, you know, things to think about.

471
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:56,320
Speaker 3: I had that experience on zooft and I had a change.

472
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,760
Speaker 3: But before I changed, I went and saw a you know,

473
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,520
Speaker 3: hormonal doctor and she's like, Okay, you don't want to

474
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 3: go off of it, let's do there's a nose spray.

475
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,200
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, that you could take.

476
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:12,560
Speaker 3: I forgot the hormone that it releases, but she's like,

477
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 3: it gives you, like within thirty minutes, you better be

478
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,840
Speaker 3: in the bedroom because it will just turn you on

479
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,639
Speaker 3: really quickly. I was like, I don't want to be

480
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,879
Speaker 3: shoving anything on my nose now spraying when I won

481
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 3: want to have sex.

482
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,439
Speaker 4: So it was the thing that you spread up your

483
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:29,240
Speaker 4: nose was to get you horny and ready to roll.

484
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:34,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it was it effective, It was, it was

485
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,639
Speaker 3: very effective. I actually had to get it from Organ.

486
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 3: There's only like a couple of pharmacies in the United

487
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,320
Speaker 3: States that will actually do it, and this particular one

488
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:42,119
Speaker 3: came out of Organ.

489
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 2: It was great.

490
00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:46,199
Speaker 3: And listen, I'm young. I don't think I need I

491
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 3: needed that, so I just stopped and I actually just

492
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 3: changed medications. I ended up going on Pristige that's better,

493
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:53,639
Speaker 3: which gave me my sex drive back. So I just

494
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,800
Speaker 3: want everyone to know and I want everyone that's listening

495
00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,440
Speaker 3: to know that, like, there's there's solutions, and sometimes it's

496
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,119
Speaker 3: a cocktail, and sometimes it's just simply saying, hey, not

497
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 3: being afraid to go to your gun or your family

498
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 3: doctor or your psychiatrist and said, listen, this is not

499
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,119
Speaker 3: working because I, like you say in your book, sex

500
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 3: is a primal need and it's something that we need

501
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:18,200
Speaker 3: to take care of and participate in. And I want

502
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 3: women to know that there are alternatives out there.

503
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 2: I love that.

504
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:26,400
Speaker 5: Yeah, amazing. I'd love to know more about that spray.

505
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:31,159
Speaker 5: I work with people on trying to just work on

506
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,399
Speaker 5: the issues that are creating the anxiety or the sadness

507
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,919
Speaker 5: that's creating the need for those SSRIs and I like

508
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,800
Speaker 5: to try and get people off of medications that are

509
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:44,040
Speaker 5: going to be debilitating. I do think that sex is

510
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,920
Speaker 5: an essential part of life. I mean, I think it's

511
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,160
Speaker 5: the difference between somebody being a best friend and being

512
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,920
Speaker 5: a lover, between being a bed mate and being a roommate.

513
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,120
Speaker 5: And I think it's everyone's existential right to experience pleasure

514
00:27:58,280 --> 00:27:59,480
Speaker 5: and their sexuality.

515
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 4: Sess with this episode, by the way, we had a

516
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 4: lot of people right in and they've got some They've

517
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 4: got some questions for you. So the first one is

518
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,920
Speaker 4: how early into dating should you talk about your sexual

519
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 4: desires with a partner?

520
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:26,040
Speaker 5: You know, I think I think you should start talking

521
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:29,520
Speaker 5: pretty early about sex. I think you should get in

522
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,960
Speaker 5: the habit of talking about sex the way you would

523
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,440
Speaker 5: talk about friends, the way you would talk about family,

524
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 5: you know, Lalla. So many of us grow up in

525
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 5: sex negative homes, you know, where sex was not modeled

526
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 5: for us. It was not you know it, it was

527
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 5: a taboo. It's a forbidden Very few of us grew

528
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 5: up in sex positive homes. Most of us grew up

529
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 5: in sex avoidant homes. That's where I grew up, in

530
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 5: a sex avoidant home. It wasn't like anybody was particularly negative.

531
00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:59,920
Speaker 5: They just didn't talk about it. It was never the

532
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 5: conversation that came up. So I was launched into the

533
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 5: world of sexuality not knowing how to talk about sex.

534
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:09,959
Speaker 5: And then suddenly you're with a partner, You're with a lover, Like,

535
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 5: that's where you need to start developing the vocabulary and

536
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 5: early on you know. Yes, So if you're sitting across

537
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 5: the table from someone you find sexy, someone that you

538
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 5: think you might want to have sex with, whether it's

539
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 5: casual or may develop into romantic love. Yeah, have a

540
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:33,520
Speaker 5: sense of sexual self esteem, sexual self worth. Talk about

541
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,600
Speaker 5: what you like, what you don't like, what works for you,

542
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 5: what doesn't, and what you need.

543
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,280
Speaker 4: Oh I love this because that was Actually I'm so

544
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,040
Speaker 4: glad someone asked that because I am newly launching myself

545
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 4: into the dating, the dating world, and for a very

546
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:52,040
Speaker 4: long time it was like I was not having sex

547
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 4: at all. I was planning to have a baby via donor.

548
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 4: I was pregnant for nine months. Then I'm postpartum, and

549
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 4: then it was like, you know, I just want to

550
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,440
Speaker 4: have sex, like no strings attached. So when when you're

551
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 4: put in that situation, it's like both parties know the drill.

552
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,760
Speaker 4: Sex is the only thing that needs to be spoken

553
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 4: about now that I'm venturing into like I'm open to

554
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 4: love and giving someone my time and affection. I don't

555
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:21,320
Speaker 4: quite know when that conversation should be had.

556
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, So I like to say that lust is the

557
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,640
Speaker 5: seed of love. It doesn't always grow into romantic love.

558
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 5: Sometimes lust just becomes lust, as you were saying. But

559
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 5: sometimes you plant a seed and you're like, holy shit,

560
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 5: this is this seed is actually blossoming into something. Start

561
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,040
Speaker 5: the conversation. You know, it can actually be the first

562
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,880
Speaker 5: time you have sex. You can during sex you could

563
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 5: say try, you know, try this, or that feels really great,

564
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 5: or I love this about you, or move this way

565
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:57,120
Speaker 5: a little bit, or ouch that hurts. I remember, honestly,

566
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:58,960
Speaker 5: when I was having sex with my wife for the

567
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:02,600
Speaker 5: first time, like, you know, twenty five twenty six years ago,

568
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 5: she would tell me ouch, ouch that that hurts a

569
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,720
Speaker 5: little bit, or or this way or you know, if

570
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:11,200
Speaker 5: she didn't have an orgasm, she didn't have to fake it,

571
00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 5: and she was honest about it and like, no big deal.

572
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 4: That's when you know you're comfortable, if you're like, you know,

573
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,920
Speaker 4: I didn't get off that time, instead of faking it. Oh,

574
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 4: that is the worst feeling. Does anything good ever come

575
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 4: from telling your partner how many people you've had sex

576
00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,360
Speaker 4: within the past.

577
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,960
Speaker 5: Well, I can tell you that a lot of negative

578
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:32,880
Speaker 5: stuff does come with it. You know, people feel like

579
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 5: my partner has you know, in men, People feel like, oh,

580
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 5: she's had more sexual experience than I did. She knows more.

581
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,000
Speaker 5: I'm gonna have to really perform. That performing creates an

582
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:49,040
Speaker 5: anxiety that then creates a reptile unpredictability, and then that

583
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,400
Speaker 5: guy can't perform at all. So I don't think, you know,

584
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:56,360
Speaker 5: I don't think it's worthwhile to talk about partners in

585
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:59,400
Speaker 5: terms of numbers and quantity. If you want to talk

586
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 5: about qual if you want to talk about, you know,

587
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,800
Speaker 5: some partners that you've had, I think that that's fair game,

588
00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:09,640
Speaker 5: you know, to I think we should know each other's histories.

589
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,600
Speaker 5: I mean, I sit across the table from my wife

590
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 5: and I know almost everything about her, you know, except

591
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 5: what she writes in her journal. And I know what's

592
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,959
Speaker 5: going on in her life and in her mind, and

593
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 5: I know what's happened in her history.

594
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 2: Okay, I love that because I do like to parade

595
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:28,040
Speaker 2: my list around.

596
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 5: Well, just I hope that, But that could intimidate you know.

597
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 2: You know, you just say, I've had a lot of experience.

598
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 4: Here's the with the as you with the age range

599
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 4: I'm going for right now, just based off of how

600
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 4: much older I am, I've got more experience.

601
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:46,520
Speaker 2: So let me teach you some things.

602
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 5: What are today's pornified world? You have to the guys

603
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,640
Speaker 5: do not know what real sex looks like. They know

604
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,440
Speaker 5: what porn sex looks like.

605
00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 2: That's another big fear of mine.

606
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 3: I've lived through that. I lived through that for eight years.

607
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 4: You and me both, What are the positive and negative

608
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 4: impacts free access to pornography has done to us as

609
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 4: humans and our sex lives?

610
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,400
Speaker 2: We were just talking about this. What have you seen

611
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 2: in your career?

612
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 5: So I am both you know, I can go both

613
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 5: ways on porn. I have a spectrum of feelings, you know.

614
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 5: On the negative side, I do think that younger people

615
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:31,440
Speaker 5: at younger ages are watching porn and that's how they're

616
00:33:31,520 --> 00:33:35,480
Speaker 5: learning about sex because guess what nobody else is teaching them,

617
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:39,320
Speaker 5: And so I don't think young people should be exposed

618
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:43,480
Speaker 5: to porn sex as their first model of what sex

619
00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 5: should look like. I also have men who come in

620
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 5: who feel like excessive porn news has given them a

621
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 5: reptile disorder, and they'll say, I watch so much porn

622
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 5: now I can't get it up. Porn fucked up my brain. Actually,

623
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:05,640
Speaker 5: porn didn't fuck up his brain. What's fucking up his

624
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 5: brain is he doesn't know how to actually be with

625
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 5: a real person. Porn is easy, Porn is junk food.

626
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:18,440
Speaker 5: Real sexuality is complex and it requires attunement. So I

627
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:20,919
Speaker 5: think that there's some negatives to porn, but I also

628
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,160
Speaker 5: think there's a lot of positives. I mean, Amber, you said,

629
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,960
Speaker 5: what does somebody do after they've had a kid? You know,

630
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:31,200
Speaker 5: in those weeks. It's true that you probably won't be

631
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,759
Speaker 5: having sex for eight or twelve weeks, you know, and

632
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,040
Speaker 5: who knows where you ended up in the third trimester.

633
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 5: So porn can be a very legitimate form of self pleasure.

634
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:49,399
Speaker 5: I tell couples all the time who want to sort

635
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:53,360
Speaker 5: of add some arousal into the sex at the beginning

636
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:57,439
Speaker 5: to get going to engage in psychological stimuli. A lot

637
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,320
Speaker 5: will choose to watch porn together.

638
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:02,280
Speaker 2: I was going to to ask you about that. Yeah,

639
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:03,719
Speaker 2: like you think that that's fine.

640
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,319
Speaker 4: If a couple is like, let's watch porn together, you

641
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,080
Speaker 4: think that that's a healthy thing to be doing.

642
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 5: I actually do, in large largely, I really do, because

643
00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:14,920
Speaker 5: that's a couple. First of all, they're very open minded,

644
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,360
Speaker 5: and they're willing to do that and willing to share

645
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:22,480
Speaker 5: that without feeling judged by what they selected. And ultimately

646
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:25,600
Speaker 5: it can be stimulating, just like watching a sexy movie

647
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 5: or a sexy show. And look, let's speak true in

648
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 5: long term relationships, it's sometimes is hard to keep that charge,

649
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:36,040
Speaker 5: that sexiness. So we owe it to our relationships to

650
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:39,399
Speaker 5: find ways to get into that warm start and get

651
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 5: into the sex right.

652
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:45,160
Speaker 3: Well. Also, now we're gonna have to combat AI porn

653
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:47,800
Speaker 3: because that's really changing the world.

654
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:49,000
Speaker 2: Don't you have to pay for that?

655
00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 4: I fully enjoy porn, hubb I'm just letting you guys know.

656
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,200
Speaker 4: But just like I don't want to do this twenty

657
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:58,920
Speaker 4: minute thing, get to the good shit. I got five minutes,

658
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:00,239
Speaker 4: five fucking minutes.

659
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:02,840
Speaker 3: I mean, I've definitely fast forward a lot of a

660
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,040
Speaker 3: lot of the beginning.

661
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,279
Speaker 5: Yeah, I also like to recommend ethical porn, which is

662
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:10,600
Speaker 5: porn that you usually have to pay for. But it's

663
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,399
Speaker 5: kind of like like there's fair trade coffee, there's fair

664
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 5: trade porn. You know that the actors weren't exploited, there

665
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:22,680
Speaker 5: is consent STI testing, so you know, wait, it's to their.

666
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 4: Own Okay, throw it onto the list of subscriptions. My

667
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 4: business manager is going to be thrilled. Why are we

668
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 4: hearing that gen Z isn't using condoms?

669
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,600
Speaker 5: Oh my god, what do you think about that? I

670
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,799
Speaker 5: you know, what's your first response to that? Because I

671
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:47,760
Speaker 5: actually know So I know a lot of gen Zers

672
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 5: who actually are very concerned about STIs and concerned about

673
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 5: unwanted pregnancy and do use condoms. I also know a

674
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,360
Speaker 5: lot of gen Z women who are on birth control

675
00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:00,000
Speaker 5: and will forego a condom even if there's a possible

676
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:01,279
Speaker 5: ability of an STI, so.

677
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 2: Which is crazy to me.

678
00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 4: So, going back to what you stated about how there

679
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 4: were three different types of household households with sex, I

680
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:14,200
Speaker 4: grew up in a very open households. Some of my

681
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 4: listeners think my family's very weird, But I figure if

682
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,319
Speaker 4: I can talk about this shit to a stranger. I

683
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,960
Speaker 4: can certainly talk about it to the woman who pushed

684
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:27,719
Speaker 4: me out of her vagina. So I always knew that, like,

685
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:32,879
Speaker 4: the best case scenario is you get pregnant, right all

686
00:37:32,920 --> 00:37:35,279
Speaker 4: the other shit that sticks around that you don't want

687
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 4: use a fucking condom. I've always said you can hoe around,

688
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:42,400
Speaker 4: but you've got to be an educated hoe. This sends

689
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:47,240
Speaker 4: me into a full on panic to think that people

690
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:51,600
Speaker 4: of this age range are not wrapping it up.

691
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,360
Speaker 5: Yeah, and I think women feel a sexual pressure to

692
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 5: concede because any guy will tell you that it feels

693
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,840
Speaker 5: better to have sex with out a condom. But you know,

694
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,040
Speaker 5: so what, there's other ways. I mean, sex is still super,

695
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:06,160
Speaker 5: super pleasurable.

696
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:09,520
Speaker 2: There's so many different kinds. Go to Costco.

697
00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:13,880
Speaker 4: They come in bulk, the thin there, the wrist kinds

698
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:18,520
Speaker 4: that climb on rocks like there's no reason why you

699
00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:20,879
Speaker 4: shouldn't be putting a condom on. I want to shake

700
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 4: these people. That is so dumb to be like, well,

701
00:38:22,520 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 4: I'm on birth control, so all is good. Not all

702
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,799
Speaker 4: is good. I remember in the seventh grade they they

703
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:32,799
Speaker 4: pulled up this like basically, what is that thing where

704
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:36,160
Speaker 4: there's like circles and it connects everyone. You know, I'm

705
00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 4: thank you, thank you talk to And it shocked me

706
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:42,640
Speaker 4: to be like if this person has been with me,

707
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:44,440
Speaker 4: but they've been with all of these people and I've

708
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:46,000
Speaker 4: been and it connected all of us.

709
00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:51,040
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god. So I always practice

710
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:53,520
Speaker 2: safe sex with the condom and birth control.

711
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:57,160
Speaker 5: And you know what, the fact that you're sober is

712
00:38:57,200 --> 00:39:00,440
Speaker 5: amazing because I think more than likely you may be

713
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:04,200
Speaker 5: acting with men who moderate or are sober, or you're

714
00:39:04,239 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 5: more connected into a sober environment because rates of unwanted

715
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:14,840
Speaker 5: pregnancy and STI highly correlate with you know, drinking and disinhibition.

716
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 5: And so I think, you know, you're lucky you're in

717
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:21,360
Speaker 5: a and maybe are you in a sober sex environment

718
00:39:21,520 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 5: or to some extent or.

719
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:25,360
Speaker 2: Yes, I would.

720
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:30,040
Speaker 4: I would say that no one has, No one is

721
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:34,279
Speaker 4: an alcoholic. I get very worried about being involved with

722
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,840
Speaker 4: men who are also in the program because, as you know,

723
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:38,799
Speaker 4: I'm a single mom. I have to worry about my

724
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:42,400
Speaker 4: own sobriety. I don't want to worry about yours. So

725
00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:44,319
Speaker 4: I prefer you come into my life and just have

726
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:46,320
Speaker 4: a healthy relationship with alcohol.

727
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:49,359
Speaker 2: If I could have it that way.

728
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:53,360
Speaker 4: But I'm sure there were many times where in my

729
00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 4: drinking years I was stupid and didn't you know, practice.

730
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,440
Speaker 5: Its okay, we don't need to use a condom exactly.

731
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:03,840
Speaker 5: So that's what you do when you're a little You know,

732
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:08,720
Speaker 5: there's a difference between non consensual sex and unwanted sex.

733
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:12,600
Speaker 5: Unwanted sex can actually be consensual. I'm drunk, I'm a

734
00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:16,839
Speaker 5: little drunk. Okay, let's not use that condom. I wake

735
00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:20,040
Speaker 5: up the next morning. Fuck, I can't believe I let

736
00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,080
Speaker 5: that happen. But yeah, you let it happen.

737
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,319
Speaker 2: I know, love to plan be back in the day,

738
00:40:25,920 --> 00:40:26,880
Speaker 2: love to plan be.

739
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:30,359
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, stop. You know this is who I am.

740
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:34,360
Speaker 3: I'm an overshare. Can a lack of sex have negative

741
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:35,239
Speaker 3: health impacts?

742
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,920
Speaker 5: So you're not going like, look, I think that sex

743
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:42,200
Speaker 5: is a vital need. I don't think it's a need

744
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:45,000
Speaker 5: like food or water. If you don't get food or water,

745
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 5: eventually you're gonna die. If you don't get sex, you

746
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:54,399
Speaker 5: know you are you're not going to die. But I

747
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,920
Speaker 5: think you're going to be missing out on a key

748
00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:01,680
Speaker 5: aspect of relation. And let me just say, when I

749
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:05,640
Speaker 5: talk about sex, I'm not talking about intercourse. I'm just

750
00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 5: talking about whatever feels really sexual to you or wherever

751
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:16,359
Speaker 5: it gets you to pleasure. So they like to say

752
00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:19,640
Speaker 5: that sex has health benefits, but you know, there are

753
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:21,799
Speaker 5: no real studies like, oh, sex is going to help

754
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 5: me lose weight, or it's going to clear up my skin.

755
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:27,760
Speaker 5: I mean, you know, papers love to publish those kinds

756
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 5: of stories. So I don't think sex is going to

757
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:35,480
Speaker 5: help you necessarily live longer. Being in a great relationship

758
00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:38,760
Speaker 5: that has great sex might help you to live longer.

759
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 5: And I don't think not having sex is going to

760
00:41:42,360 --> 00:41:42,680
Speaker 5: kill you.

761
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:52,920
Speaker 2: Is it true?

762
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 3: Because I've had quite a few men talk about that

763
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:01,480
Speaker 3: if they don't if they don't have sex frequently or

764
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 3: jack off, that it builds up toxins in their body.

765
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:11,440
Speaker 3: They have to get rid of the toxins that doesn't

766
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:14,480
Speaker 3: turn into something that is unwanted, like a like a poop,

767
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:15,920
Speaker 3: you don't go.

768
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,200
Speaker 5: You know, there is there are some studies that show

769
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 5: that masturbation is associated with prostate health. There's no real

770
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,480
Speaker 5: guideline around it. But you know, I would say that,

771
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:33,520
Speaker 5: you know, masturbation is can help with prostate health. But

772
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,080
Speaker 5: you know, guys love to sort of say, oh, if

773
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:39,759
Speaker 5: I don't release, I have you know, blue balls. I'm

774
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,880
Speaker 5: in this state of you know, arousal intention. The truth is,

775
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:47,279
Speaker 5: guys get turned on very quickly. We turn on we

776
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:49,759
Speaker 5: see something and we have to turn ourselves off. So

777
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:53,560
Speaker 5: it's just about sort of surfing those waves.

778
00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 2: Okay.

779
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,239
Speaker 3: I wonder how that translates for women, Like what's the

780
00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,160
Speaker 3: equivalent of blue balls for women?

781
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,719
Speaker 5: Well? Women, And you know what's interesting is if you

782
00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:07,760
Speaker 5: look at male sexuality versus female sexuality. During sex, blood

783
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:12,640
Speaker 5: goes into the male genitals very quickly, creates that you know,

784
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:18,600
Speaker 5: strong erection and that propulsion, propulsive ejaculation. Blood goes in

785
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:21,920
Speaker 5: quickly and blood leaves quickly, right, so men can go

786
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,319
Speaker 5: up here, have their orgasm and come you know, right

787
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:27,960
Speaker 5: back down here, and they have a refractory period a

788
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:31,520
Speaker 5: period of time before they can have sex again women again,

789
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:34,840
Speaker 5: And this is the beauty and the power of female sexuality.

790
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:38,960
Speaker 5: For women, blood flows into the genitals much more slowly,

791
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,399
Speaker 5: meaning yes, we a have to spend a lot more

792
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:45,040
Speaker 5: time on connecting and arousal and foreplay and things that

793
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:49,719
Speaker 5: feel good. But after orgasm, blood does not leave the

794
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,200
Speaker 5: genitals quickly. For women, it stays there, so women can

795
00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:57,000
Speaker 5: go into this sort of warm plateau phase, and some

796
00:43:57,160 --> 00:44:01,520
Speaker 5: women like to have more sex from there and have

797
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:05,759
Speaker 5: another orgasm. Women have sort of an unlimited capacity for

798
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,839
Speaker 5: orgasm if you just want to sort of ride that

799
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:13,960
Speaker 5: curve of orgasm into the warm state back into orgasm.

800
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:17,640
Speaker 5: So blood flows out of the female genitals more slowly,

801
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:21,720
Speaker 5: but ultimately men and women, you know, within a few minutes,

802
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:24,560
Speaker 5: will all land in the sort of the pre arousal

803
00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 5: stage of sex.

804
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:30,680
Speaker 3: Did he answer your question, Amber, Yes, I know this

805
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:33,919
Speaker 3: guy who stays hard for fucking hours and he's super young,

806
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 3: and I'm like, this is fucking crazy, Like literally, we'll

807
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:42,359
Speaker 3: get off and within seconds it'll be ready to go again.

808
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:43,520
Speaker 2: He's like a dream man.

809
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:46,400
Speaker 5: Anyway, And how new is the sex?

810
00:44:47,239 --> 00:44:49,680
Speaker 2: Very new? And he's like utill iPhone. I hope my

811
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:53,680
Speaker 2: mom doesn't listen. He's like twenty four, right, twenty four.

812
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 5: There you go. Younger guys shorter refractory periods sometimes can

813
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:02,160
Speaker 5: get hard again right away, and new sex with someone

814
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:06,040
Speaker 5: who's hot and sexy will get them right back up again.

815
00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:09,319
Speaker 4: Well, there we go, twenty four. That's the where I

816
00:45:09,360 --> 00:45:11,799
Speaker 4: want to be is in terms of age.

817
00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:16,080
Speaker 3: Oh Jesus, twenty four, I can't with you. So one

818
00:45:16,120 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 3: of the things that I'm finding not twenty four, but

819
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:24,239
Speaker 3: like guys that are in their forties and fifties that

820
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:28,240
Speaker 3: are taking all this testosterone, what is a long term effect?

821
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:32,719
Speaker 3: Because I imagine it can't be good. But maybe I don't know.

822
00:45:32,719 --> 00:45:34,000
Speaker 3: I'm not the doctor, you know.

823
00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:36,279
Speaker 5: I'm not sure that I'm not a urologist. There haven't

824
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:39,799
Speaker 5: really been What I mean is that from what I've read,

825
00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:44,279
Speaker 5: there haven't really been long term studies of testosterone. We

826
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 5: live in a culture where doctors love to say, because

827
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,880
Speaker 5: of pharmaceutical companies, you can stay on this for life,

828
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:53,520
Speaker 5: and we really don't know a lot of men out

829
00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 5: there who have low libido and go on testosterone. It's

830
00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:00,759
Speaker 5: not actually the testosterone that was the problem. It's it's

831
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 5: other things. So so stosterone can be great. Like I'm

832
00:46:04,960 --> 00:46:10,840
Speaker 5: working with some guys who really have chronically low libido

833
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 5: and they feel a lot of lust or want for

834
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:17,319
Speaker 5: their partners, but they can't. They just don't feel a

835
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:20,320
Speaker 5: lot of lust or want but they did in the beginning,

836
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:23,200
Speaker 5: or they want to. They're into their partners, and so

837
00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:27,919
Speaker 5: sometimes testosterone can move the needle. I think it's biologic.

838
00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:32,799
Speaker 5: Sex is biological, it's psychological, it's you know, it's relational.

839
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:34,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a lot going on.

840
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:38,799
Speaker 3: I found the nasal spray, so I was taking this

841
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:41,919
Speaker 3: in twenty twenty three, and now I realize, like during

842
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,720
Speaker 3: that period, I think I was heavily in the family

843
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:48,920
Speaker 3: core system battling, So you can only imagine that my

844
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:54,279
Speaker 3: sex stri was not so exciting. So it was actually

845
00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:56,400
Speaker 3: an oxytocin nasal spray.

846
00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,720
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, oxytostin nasal spray.

847
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:02,399
Speaker 3: That's really interesting is this is a quick acting so

848
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:06,000
Speaker 3: you want to use it within minutes of sexual activity.

849
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:08,640
Speaker 3: It was one hundred units spray one to two sprays

850
00:47:08,719 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 3: into each nostril immediately before sexual activity. That's that's sexy.

851
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:17,720
Speaker 5: That is really interesting. You know, like oxytocin in spray

852
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:22,439
Speaker 5: form is becoming more popular. I haven't had a lot

853
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:25,479
Speaker 5: of experience with it, amber so your experience is great

854
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 5: to know. I mean, oxytocin helps to Oxytocin is the

855
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 5: cuddle hormone. It's the it's the connecting hormone. It's a

856
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:37,200
Speaker 5: hormone that helps with arousal. So I could see that

857
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:39,239
Speaker 5: and it would be short acting.

858
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:43,080
Speaker 3: It works, you guys, I am not joking. It's like

859
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:47,120
Speaker 3: you become a rabbit. I used it and I was like,

860
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:49,280
Speaker 3: and I actually threw it away because it had expired

861
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 3: when I moved out to Montana, so I was actually like,

862
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 3: do I need But I'm good now that problem has

863
00:47:55,120 --> 00:47:57,080
Speaker 3: been solved. But yeah, that was one of the things

864
00:47:57,080 --> 00:48:00,239
Speaker 3: that my doctor prescribed me and I actually got from

865
00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:03,120
Speaker 3: a compounding pharmacy and organ cool.

866
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:06,040
Speaker 5: I'm going to ask an MD I work with, who's

867
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:10,960
Speaker 5: an obgyn and she's really into this stuff and she

868
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:13,839
Speaker 5: works we work with a lot of compounding pharmacies as well,

869
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:16,000
Speaker 5: so thank you for that. I'm going to bring this

870
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:17,520
Speaker 5: up with her and see if we can make it

871
00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:20,400
Speaker 5: part of our potentially part of our treatment plan. And

872
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,279
Speaker 5: I'll get her feedback and she probably knows everything about it.

873
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:26,080
Speaker 5: So if there's anything should you guys should know about it,

874
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 5: I'll let you know.

875
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:28,839
Speaker 2: Yeah, please do I would love that. Yeah, we want

876
00:48:28,880 --> 00:48:31,440
Speaker 2: to follow up with our listeners for sure. Yeah.

877
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:35,920
Speaker 3: Well, the listeners were thrilled about this episode. I just

878
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 3: have a couple more questions. What can a wife do

879
00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:41,560
Speaker 3: to spice things up besides toys?

880
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:46,640
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know, toys on their own are not inherently spicy.

881
00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 5: They're just devices. You know, same with like handcuffs or

882
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:55,520
Speaker 5: little you know, anything that's like BDSM or kinky or

883
00:48:56,040 --> 00:49:00,680
Speaker 5: kink light, Like those are just accessories. They're prop It's

884
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:05,520
Speaker 5: what do we psychologically imbue them with, right, So you

885
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:09,359
Speaker 5: know it's sexy, Like if you wake up and tell

886
00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:12,760
Speaker 5: your guy, you know, I had a super sexy dream

887
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 5: about you last night, Like I don't know what my

888
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,239
Speaker 5: unconscious was up to, but you know, boy, where we

889
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:23,160
Speaker 5: getting it on in some unusual original ways, like hopefully

890
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:26,359
Speaker 5: you spice someone's interest in you thread it through the day.

891
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:30,640
Speaker 5: I guess what I'm trying to say is psychological arousal

892
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:34,320
Speaker 5: is as important as physical arousal. There have been studies

893
00:49:34,320 --> 00:49:39,759
Speaker 5: that show that women can fantasize their way to orgasm

894
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 5: without touching themselves. Men can get very powerful erections just

895
00:49:43,960 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 5: by sitting in front of porn for seven minutes or

896
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:50,399
Speaker 5: looking at someone sexy or thinking about someone sexy. So

897
00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 5: think about bringing more psychological arousal into the relationship, which

898
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,600
Speaker 5: maybe requires a little more vulnerability.

899
00:49:58,200 --> 00:50:02,319
Speaker 3: I've actually seen YouTube videos of women orgasming just by

900
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:04,520
Speaker 3: doing breath work, working with a sex therapist.

901
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:05,880
Speaker 2: That was fascinating.

902
00:50:06,320 --> 00:50:09,239
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, it is wild for I think it's all

903
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:12,440
Speaker 4: about the mental state, Like I have to feel very comfortable,

904
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:15,600
Speaker 4: I have to like create the fantasy. I think it's

905
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:18,160
Speaker 4: all about like the muscles within the vagina as well

906
00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:23,279
Speaker 4: that you should constantly be working out. And yeah, there's

907
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:26,680
Speaker 4: I think what I love about this episode the most

908
00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 4: is all of the things that we've touched on that

909
00:50:29,840 --> 00:50:37,000
Speaker 4: have everything to do with the sex that exists before

910
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:42,799
Speaker 4: the actual sex that I think so many people forget about.

911
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:49,239
Speaker 4: It's all about just the the penis entering the vagina,

912
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 4: and there's so much more that goes into all of it.

913
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:56,399
Speaker 5: Yeah, I was working I worked with a couple who

914
00:50:57,840 --> 00:51:00,160
Speaker 5: hasn't had they haven't had sex in two months, but

915
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:03,120
Speaker 5: they feel like they're in a very sexy sexual relationship.

916
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:06,160
Speaker 5: They have sexual confidence in themselves and each other. And

917
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:08,000
Speaker 5: then I was working with a young couple that had

918
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:11,120
Speaker 5: moved in during COVID and they were having sex five

919
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:12,960
Speaker 5: times a week or four times a week, and the

920
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:15,040
Speaker 5: guy was like, I don't feel like we're in a

921
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 5: sexual relationship.

922
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:21,760
Speaker 4: Wow, you know, so that is mind blowing because mentally

923
00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:23,240
Speaker 4: they're not in sync.

924
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:26,160
Speaker 5: Yeah, he didn't even realize they were having She's like,

925
00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:28,440
Speaker 5: what do you mean we're not in a sexual relationship?

926
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:31,520
Speaker 5: We had sex four times and he's like, really, I

927
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:33,960
Speaker 5: don't remember that. And when I started to talk to him,

928
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:37,920
Speaker 5: talk to them, It's just there was no erotic thread.

929
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:41,200
Speaker 5: There was nothing connecting a sexual event to the next

930
00:51:41,239 --> 00:51:44,960
Speaker 5: sexual event. There was no eroticism in the air. Right.

931
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:49,040
Speaker 3: That's why I think I always when people say, oh,

932
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:52,080
Speaker 3: you shouldn't have sex until you've hit the three month

933
00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:56,839
Speaker 3: mark of dating, I see, and I get that perspective, right,

934
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:59,600
Speaker 3: and I respect that. But my thing is, what if

935
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:03,880
Speaker 3: you don't have sexual chemistry, what if there's no or

936
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:06,120
Speaker 3: what if there's issues in the bedroom, Like you're going

937
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:09,360
Speaker 3: to waste three months of your life of like building

938
00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:11,080
Speaker 3: this thing and then all of a sudden it's the

939
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,200
Speaker 3: biggest ledgew You're like, oh, that's trumans of my life

940
00:52:14,200 --> 00:52:15,520
Speaker 3: that I'm not going to get back.

941
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:19,680
Speaker 5: Yeah. I agree. I mean, hopefully you pick someone that

942
00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,920
Speaker 5: you really have physical and sexual attraction with and you

943
00:52:22,960 --> 00:52:26,120
Speaker 5: feel a heat just at that level just sitting across

944
00:52:26,160 --> 00:52:29,440
Speaker 5: from each other. Now, the question is, you know, what

945
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:32,120
Speaker 5: do you do with that chemistry? And can you actually

946
00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 5: dance together sexually?

947
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:35,719
Speaker 2: Yes? Yes, thank you.

948
00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:36,440
Speaker 3: Amen.

949
00:52:37,600 --> 00:52:39,839
Speaker 5: Hey, so I have a patient in my waiting room.

950
00:52:39,920 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 4: We love that because that's how we're going to sign up.

951
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,080
Speaker 4: If you have a patient in your waiting room.

952
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:47,080
Speaker 2: Thank you. I love that much. We are so appreciative

953
00:52:47,120 --> 00:52:49,239
Speaker 2: of you joining you got it.

954
00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:51,919
Speaker 5: This was great, and stay in touch and good luck

955
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:52,560
Speaker 5: with everything.

956
00:52:53,120 --> 00:52:57,040
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. Have a great day. Bye, bite

957
00:52:57,239 --> 00:52:57,720
Speaker 2: you guys.

958
00:52:57,719 --> 00:53:00,920
Speaker 4: That was doctor Ian Kerner and I just he just

959
00:53:01,160 --> 00:53:02,320
Speaker 4: made me so happy.

960
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:04,400
Speaker 3: I'm so happy as well.

961
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:09,839
Speaker 2: That was really good. I gained a lot from that. Yeah.

962
00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:12,400
Speaker 4: And can I tell you you said you have a

963
00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:16,040
Speaker 4: g spot inside your vagina. If my clit doesn't get

964
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:19,239
Speaker 4: the love it deserves, there's nothing happening for me.

965
00:53:20,239 --> 00:53:20,640
Speaker 2: Really.

966
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:23,320
Speaker 3: Yes, we bounce each other out. We have something to

967
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:24,000
Speaker 3: teach each other.

968
00:53:24,200 --> 00:53:26,320
Speaker 4: I don't want to be fucked like a jack rabbit,

969
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:31,399
Speaker 4: you know, like give me something, you know.

970
00:53:32,239 --> 00:53:33,520
Speaker 2: Warm up the bean a little.

971
00:53:34,640 --> 00:53:37,719
Speaker 3: The tiny but mighty I learned that it's tiny and mighty.

972
00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:40,440
Speaker 1: Oh.

973
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:42,600
Speaker 4: I want to get a Chihuahua and name her clit

974
00:53:44,040 --> 00:53:46,160
Speaker 4: because she'll be tiny, but mighty oh.

975
00:53:46,239 --> 00:53:47,799
Speaker 2: I literally do that.

976
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:54,200
Speaker 4: Darling or clitoris kind of like Dolores, I love that.

977
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:56,320
Speaker 2: I can't.

978
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:57,600
Speaker 3: I can't, I can't.

979
00:53:57,680 --> 00:53:59,120
Speaker 2: That was that was amazing.

980
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:02,319
Speaker 4: What was your most favorite part that he told you

981
00:54:02,320 --> 00:54:05,600
Speaker 4: you shouldn't wait three months to fuck someone.

982
00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:13,040
Speaker 3: I don't need permission, not anymore. We all love a quickie. Okay,

983
00:54:13,239 --> 00:54:16,680
Speaker 3: that's that's a midday quickie could be nice, but like

984
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,719
Speaker 3: also taking the time, taking it slow, and really connecting

985
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:22,560
Speaker 3: with your partner, like really connecting with your partner in

986
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,200
Speaker 3: a way that's just not like hurry up and let's

987
00:54:25,200 --> 00:54:25,879
Speaker 3: get it over with.

988
00:54:26,239 --> 00:54:26,799
Speaker 2: I feel like.

989
00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:32,239
Speaker 3: There's something really like sexy and this ebb and flow

990
00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:35,200
Speaker 3: that I like about what he said about around all.

991
00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:36,000
Speaker 2: That I do too.

992
00:54:36,120 --> 00:54:38,960
Speaker 4: I feel like that podcast was very helpful for this

993
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:42,200
Speaker 4: stage that I'm getting into, where it's it's beyond just

994
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:45,800
Speaker 4: like hey, we're having sex and that's where it starts

995
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:50,680
Speaker 4: and ends, and creating this dynamic of like true intimacy.

996
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:52,680
Speaker 4: So I loved everything that he said. I hope that

997
00:54:52,719 --> 00:54:55,240
Speaker 4: he wasn't turned off by me talking about eating ass.

998
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:58,440
Speaker 3: I can't help but just be La la at all times.

999
00:55:00,120 --> 00:55:03,560
Speaker 3: You fucking crushed it, amber thank you. No, but he

1000
00:55:03,640 --> 00:55:06,200
Speaker 3: has seen everything. Okay, my god, he lives in New

1001
00:55:06,280 --> 00:55:07,719
Speaker 3: York City. Do you know the ship? By the way,

1002
00:55:07,719 --> 00:55:09,160
Speaker 3: have you ever seen the show Billions?

1003
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:10,239
Speaker 2: Of course I have.

1004
00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,160
Speaker 3: Okay, do you know the wife who's like this button

1005
00:55:13,239 --> 00:55:17,000
Speaker 3: up therapist and her husband who's the day You know,

1006
00:55:17,080 --> 00:55:19,520
Speaker 3: these are two people that you would think would would

1007
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:23,279
Speaker 3: have very vanilla sex or even sex at all. Those

1008
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:27,279
Speaker 3: scenes where she gets her leather boots out and she

1009
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:30,879
Speaker 3: gets the whip and I'm like, oh my god, I

1010
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:34,240
Speaker 3: love this show. That show was so hot.

1011
00:55:34,680 --> 00:55:37,279
Speaker 2: I mean it was still good. Me too, Me too.

1012
00:55:37,280 --> 00:55:37,960
Speaker 2: I've been wanting to do.

1013
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:39,480
Speaker 3: Wait, there's one more thing that I have to clear

1014
00:55:39,520 --> 00:55:41,560
Speaker 3: up because I've been reading a lot of.

1015
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 2: Comments and stuff. Okay, what the heck did you mean

1016
00:55:47,840 --> 00:55:49,440
Speaker 2: by I can go Brad or Angelina?

1017
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:51,920
Speaker 3: Can you explain that to me and everyone who doesn't

1018
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:55,160
Speaker 3: understand that because you have cleared like there's a storm

1019
00:55:55,200 --> 00:55:56,200
Speaker 3: out there around.

1020
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,719
Speaker 2: This, you know, I really I did not think that

1021
00:55:58,800 --> 00:55:59,640
Speaker 2: it would be like that.

1022
00:55:59,719 --> 00:56:03,399
Speaker 4: I don't don't know why. Maybe I'm an idiot. As

1023
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:06,400
Speaker 4: most people know, I have hooked up with women before.

1024
00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:10,520
Speaker 4: I have a deep love and appreciation for beautiful women.

1025
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:12,799
Speaker 4: I find that I have a type when it comes

1026
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:15,960
Speaker 4: to women. I do not like labels. I do not

1027
00:56:16,040 --> 00:56:19,759
Speaker 4: consider myself bisexual. There are other people who you may

1028
00:56:19,880 --> 00:56:22,920
Speaker 4: ask and they label me that, which is totally fine

1029
00:56:23,239 --> 00:56:25,680
Speaker 4: if that makes anyone feel more comfortable by putting a

1030
00:56:25,719 --> 00:56:28,479
Speaker 4: label on me. The only two labels that I will

1031
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,759
Speaker 4: ever wear with pride are independent and mother.

1032
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:35,480
Speaker 2: That is it. That's where it ends. So could I

1033
00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:37,160
Speaker 2: cook up with a woman? Yes?

1034
00:56:37,320 --> 00:56:40,560
Speaker 4: Do I see myself in a romantic partnership where we're

1035
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:42,200
Speaker 4: intimate and life partners?

1036
00:56:42,800 --> 00:56:45,760
Speaker 3: No? But again I always go back to I also

1037
00:56:45,800 --> 00:56:49,239
Speaker 3: didn't see myself having a baby va sperm donor, so

1038
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,880
Speaker 3: I'm just open to whatever.

1039
00:56:50,960 --> 00:56:53,800
Speaker 2: Honey, I love it. I love it great.

1040
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 4: Michelle had people congratulating her. I was like, oh fuck,

1041
00:56:56,600 --> 00:56:58,920
Speaker 4: I'm so sorry. I thought this was going to be

1042
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:01,560
Speaker 4: like a cute friend's moment, and then like we love housewives,

1043
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:04,200
Speaker 4: like let's use the Kyle Richards line. But I do

1044
00:57:04,239 --> 00:57:06,839
Speaker 4: find Michelle extremely sexy. I've told her, I'm like, if

1045
00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:10,640
Speaker 4: you if you were into that, Hi.

1046
00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:13,759
Speaker 3: So she's your type, I would say, if you were

1047
00:57:13,760 --> 00:57:15,239
Speaker 3: gonna like she would be.

1048
00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:17,080
Speaker 2: Everyone has a type.

1049
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:20,440
Speaker 4: Everyone has a type. Yes, everyone has a type. And

1050
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:23,640
Speaker 4: I don't usually like blondes, but I mean, I masturbate

1051
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:25,080
Speaker 4: it to you, so who the fuck knows.

1052
00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:28,360
Speaker 2: I'm just an enigma. I love that wrapped in a

1053
00:57:28,440 --> 00:57:33,600
Speaker 2: riddle and cash all right, I love you so much.

1054
00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:34,720
Speaker 3: Ill you.

1055
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:38,439
Speaker 2: That was the best. I will call you later. Great,

1056
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:39,520
Speaker 2: let's do it all right?

1057
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:42,680
Speaker 4: Thanks for listening to another episode of an Unlikely Affair.

1058
00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:45,600
Speaker 4: I hope you guys gained a lot start texting your

1059
00:57:45,640 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 4: husbands and your wives saying how fucking horny they make you,

1060
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:51,480
Speaker 4: and I'll catch you tonight, baby.

1061
00:57:52,120 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 3: Bye bye everyone,