WEBVTT - Dr. Anton Jessup's Holiday Seclusion

0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:09.520
<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of iHeartRadio.

0:00:09.119 --> 0:00:14.240
<v Speaker 2>Greetings. My name is doctor Anton Jess, professor of Monster

0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:18.439
<v Speaker 2>Studies here at the University. You know, last night I

0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:23.720
<v Speaker 2>suffered terrifying nightmares. I was beset by a trio of

0:00:23.760 --> 0:00:30.639
<v Speaker 2>apparitions intent on teaching me the true meaning of Christmas. Now,

0:00:30.800 --> 0:00:34.199
<v Speaker 2>as they chose to communicate with me through the medium

0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:37.479
<v Speaker 2>of dream, it's difficult to make much sense of it

0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:41.040
<v Speaker 2>at all. I believe the basic idea is that I'm

0:00:41.280 --> 0:00:46.360
<v Speaker 2>somehow supposed to attend more holiday parties, well at any rate.

0:00:46.400 --> 0:00:49.680
<v Speaker 2>When I finally woke from all of this, I turned

0:00:49.720 --> 0:00:52.600
<v Speaker 2>to my assistant Maxwell, and I said, you boy, what

0:00:52.880 --> 0:00:56.920
<v Speaker 2>day is today? And that's when he whispered that it was,

0:00:56.960 --> 0:01:02.240
<v Speaker 2>in fact Christmas Day. So Mary, Christmas or otherwise, Happy

0:01:02.320 --> 0:01:06.520
<v Speaker 2>twenty fifth of December. Let's celebrate by reading a couple

0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:10.520
<v Speaker 2>of letters from you, my devoted monster lovers.

0:01:12.680 --> 0:01:13.600
<v Speaker 3>This first one.

0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:18.119
<v Speaker 2>Reads as follows, Venerable Doctor jessop my lover and I,

0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:21.560
<v Speaker 2>our first year graduate students at the university who have

0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:26.040
<v Speaker 2>fallen into a rather unfortunate situation. It began last week

0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:30.080
<v Speaker 2>when our major professor, doctor Armitage, asked us to return

0:01:30.120 --> 0:01:34.199
<v Speaker 2>a rare and priceless occult book to the university library

0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:38.600
<v Speaker 2>on his behalf. Eager to please such a distinguished personage,

0:01:38.800 --> 0:01:42.319
<v Speaker 2>we of course immediately brought the irreplaceable tone back to

0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:46.759
<v Speaker 2>our apartment and began chanting key passages aloud. It might

0:01:46.800 --> 0:01:50.000
<v Speaker 2>have been that, in our inexperience, we mispronounced a few

0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:53.760
<v Speaker 2>pivotal words, or it might have been our non traditional

0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:58.040
<v Speaker 2>choice of occult pinky rings in hindset the custom made

0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:02.040
<v Speaker 2>smiling poop emojis symbols on the rings might have functioned

0:02:02.400 --> 0:02:06.760
<v Speaker 2>suboptimally here. Regardless of the cause, the ritual that were

0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:11.600
<v Speaker 2>supposed to open a vast subterranean portal to infinite sanity

0:02:11.680 --> 0:02:16.280
<v Speaker 2>shredding realms only partially worked. Our apartment building, with all

0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:20.760
<v Speaker 2>of its denizens, plunged downward into the labyrinthine depths beneath

0:02:20.800 --> 0:02:24.680
<v Speaker 2>our sleepy New England neighborhood and became stuck in what

0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:30.120
<v Speaker 2>mundane minds would call the sewers. And now we, along

0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:34.040
<v Speaker 2>with our neighbors, find that our newly subsurfaced building has

0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:38.919
<v Speaker 2>a vexatious infestation of the chuds, making matters even worse.

0:02:39.000 --> 0:02:42.520
<v Speaker 2>Doctor armaitage has begun emailing inquiries about the location of

0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:47.399
<v Speaker 2>his book. The university library has been leaving threatening voicemails

0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:50.200
<v Speaker 2>about late fees, and we are growing weary of our

0:02:50.240 --> 0:02:54.720
<v Speaker 2>neighbour's complaints about the toxic, waste riddled creatures that frequently

0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:59.320
<v Speaker 2>attempt to consume their precious human flesh. Doctor Jessip is

0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:04.240
<v Speaker 2>their awake to extricate ourselves from this quagmire. My lover

0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:07.480
<v Speaker 2>argues that we should change our major to anthropology and

0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:10.840
<v Speaker 2>write a seminal study of Chud customs and feeding habits.

0:03:10.840 --> 0:03:13.680
<v Speaker 2>But I believe we should try the Eldrick chance in

0:03:13.760 --> 0:03:18.720
<v Speaker 2>the book again, maybe with more appropriate pinky finger adornments.

0:03:19.240 --> 0:03:23.000
<v Speaker 2>What do you advise, good sir, in this predicament? Yours

0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:29.560
<v Speaker 2>in monstrosity, aggrieved beneath Arkham, dear aggrieved, Well, Chuds are

0:03:29.680 --> 0:03:31.920
<v Speaker 2>in dire need of more research. So far be it

0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:34.440
<v Speaker 2>from me to dissuade you from this choice. But there

0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:38.680
<v Speaker 2>is something about an Eldrich tome that demands reading aloud,

0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:43.080
<v Speaker 2>isn't there? What greater mysteries might it unlock? And indeed,

0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:47.240
<v Speaker 2>perhaps this would free you from the sewage written environment

0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:50.960
<v Speaker 2>you find yourselves in. Move on to a deeper, better place.

0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:55.240
<v Speaker 2>So I would argue to press on. What's the worst

0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:59.040
<v Speaker 2>that could happen? This next one comes to us from

0:03:59.160 --> 0:04:05.480
<v Speaker 2>Greg Wood. Greg Wood writes, Dear doctor Jessip, I am

0:04:05.480 --> 0:04:08.520
<v Speaker 2>the father of three perfect children, and I have an

0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:14.040
<v Speaker 2>interesting holiday problem. My children are simply too good Santa Claus,

0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:17.520
<v Speaker 2>it would seem, is not only real, but his gifts

0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:22.240
<v Speaker 2>are directly proportional to good behavior after all, and my children,

0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:27.120
<v Speaker 2>again are perfect as such. Each year Santa brings an

0:04:27.240 --> 0:04:31.479
<v Speaker 2>unsustainable amount of goods to our house, and we simply

0:04:31.600 --> 0:04:35.880
<v Speaker 2>cannot structurally bear it any longer. How might I stop

0:04:35.960 --> 0:04:40.159
<v Speaker 2>Santa Claus from coming? I realize that poor behavior on

0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:42.839
<v Speaker 2>the part of my children would easily solve the problem,

0:04:43.000 --> 0:04:48.200
<v Speaker 2>but there must be another way. I'm willing to try anything. Sincerely,

0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:51.640
<v Speaker 2>Greg Wood. Well, Gregword, you have quite a problem on

0:04:51.680 --> 0:04:55.040
<v Speaker 2>your hands. Santa Claus, you see, cannot be kept out.

0:04:55.160 --> 0:04:58.440
<v Speaker 2>If it is his intent to gain entry, he can

0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:03.719
<v Speaker 2>squeeze through the smallest He possesses multiple magical items, including

0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:07.680
<v Speaker 2>the flower to disappear. I'm afraid the easiest solution may

0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:12.480
<v Speaker 2>simply be to inspire worse behavior in your children, perhaps

0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:17.480
<v Speaker 2>via video games or cartools. You know the whole situation

0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:21.480
<v Speaker 2>could actually be lucrative. During the Gilded Age, many an

0:05:21.520 --> 0:05:26.600
<v Speaker 2>ambitious robber Bearon made a hefty fortune by inspiring terrible

0:05:26.680 --> 0:05:30.719
<v Speaker 2>behavior in their children and then profiting off the massive

0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:35.279
<v Speaker 2>cold dumps that Santa left in their stockings. As such,

0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:41.159
<v Speaker 2>you might well consider it uninvestment. And now, gentle listeners,

0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:44.720
<v Speaker 2>we are already out of time. After all, it is

0:05:44.839 --> 0:05:48.520
<v Speaker 2>Christmas Day. We must turn off this podcast. We must

0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:53.120
<v Speaker 2>enjoy the holiday as we see fit. I hope yours

0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:58.400
<v Speaker 2>is monstrously good. End transmission.

0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:02.240
<v Speaker 3>Hey, this is Robert. Thanks again to Anton Jessop for

0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:05.119
<v Speaker 3>filling in for us on this special edition of Listener Mail.

0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:07.560
<v Speaker 3>Joe and I will be back next week to read

0:06:07.640 --> 0:06:10.400
<v Speaker 3>the usual listener mails, but you can also send us

0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:14.560
<v Speaker 3>stuff you want forwarded on to doctor Jessup. Thanks as

0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:17.280
<v Speaker 3>always to the excellent JJ Possway for producing the show,

0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:20.280
<v Speaker 3>and you can reach us at contact at stuff to

0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:28.400
<v Speaker 3>Blow your Mind dot com.

0:06:28.480 --> 0:06:31.440
<v Speaker 1>Stuff to Blow Your Mind is production of iHeartRadio. For

0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:34.320
<v Speaker 1>more podcasts from My Heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

0:06:34.480 --> 0:06:37.240
<v Speaker 1>Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.