Speaker 1: Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2: Greetings. My name is doctor Anton Jess, professor of Monster
Speaker 2: Studies here at the University. You know, last night I
Speaker 2: suffered terrifying nightmares. I was beset by a trio of
Speaker 2: apparitions intent on teaching me the true meaning of Christmas. Now,
Speaker 2: as they chose to communicate with me through the medium
Speaker 2: of dream, it's difficult to make much sense of it
Speaker 2: at all. I believe the basic idea is that I'm
Speaker 2: somehow supposed to attend more holiday parties, well at any rate.
Speaker 2: When I finally woke from all of this, I turned
Speaker 2: to my assistant Maxwell, and I said, you boy, what
Speaker 2: day is today? And that's when he whispered that it was,
Speaker 2: in fact Christmas Day. So Mary, Christmas or otherwise, Happy
Speaker 2: twenty fifth of December. Let's celebrate by reading a couple
Speaker 2: of letters from you, my devoted monster lovers.
Speaker 3: This first one.
Speaker 2: Reads as follows, Venerable Doctor jessop my lover and I,
Speaker 2: our first year graduate students at the university who have
Speaker 2: fallen into a rather unfortunate situation. It began last week
Speaker 2: when our major professor, doctor Armitage, asked us to return
Speaker 2: a rare and priceless occult book to the university library
Speaker 2: on his behalf. Eager to please such a distinguished personage,
Speaker 2: we of course immediately brought the irreplaceable tone back to
Speaker 2: our apartment and began chanting key passages aloud. It might
Speaker 2: have been that, in our inexperience, we mispronounced a few
Speaker 2: pivotal words, or it might have been our non traditional
Speaker 2: choice of occult pinky rings in hindset the custom made
Speaker 2: smiling poop emojis symbols on the rings might have functioned
Speaker 2: suboptimally here. Regardless of the cause, the ritual that were
Speaker 2: supposed to open a vast subterranean portal to infinite sanity
Speaker 2: shredding realms only partially worked. Our apartment building, with all
Speaker 2: of its denizens, plunged downward into the labyrinthine depths beneath
Speaker 2: our sleepy New England neighborhood and became stuck in what
Speaker 2: mundane minds would call the sewers. And now we, along
Speaker 2: with our neighbors, find that our newly subsurfaced building has
Speaker 2: a vexatious infestation of the chuds, making matters even worse.
Speaker 2: Doctor armaitage has begun emailing inquiries about the location of
Speaker 2: his book. The university library has been leaving threatening voicemails
Speaker 2: about late fees, and we are growing weary of our
Speaker 2: neighbour's complaints about the toxic, waste riddled creatures that frequently
Speaker 2: attempt to consume their precious human flesh. Doctor Jessip is
Speaker 2: their awake to extricate ourselves from this quagmire. My lover
Speaker 2: argues that we should change our major to anthropology and
Speaker 2: write a seminal study of Chud customs and feeding habits.
Speaker 2: But I believe we should try the Eldrick chance in
Speaker 2: the book again, maybe with more appropriate pinky finger adornments.
Speaker 2: What do you advise, good sir, in this predicament? Yours
Speaker 2: in monstrosity, aggrieved beneath Arkham, dear aggrieved, Well, Chuds are
Speaker 2: in dire need of more research. So far be it
Speaker 2: from me to dissuade you from this choice. But there
Speaker 2: is something about an Eldrich tome that demands reading aloud,
Speaker 2: isn't there? What greater mysteries might it unlock? And indeed,
Speaker 2: perhaps this would free you from the sewage written environment
Speaker 2: you find yourselves in. Move on to a deeper, better place.
Speaker 2: So I would argue to press on. What's the worst
Speaker 2: that could happen? This next one comes to us from
Speaker 2: Greg Wood. Greg Wood writes, Dear doctor Jessip, I am
Speaker 2: the father of three perfect children, and I have an
Speaker 2: interesting holiday problem. My children are simply too good Santa Claus,
Speaker 2: it would seem, is not only real, but his gifts
Speaker 2: are directly proportional to good behavior after all, and my children,
Speaker 2: again are perfect as such. Each year Santa brings an
Speaker 2: unsustainable amount of goods to our house, and we simply
Speaker 2: cannot structurally bear it any longer. How might I stop
Speaker 2: Santa Claus from coming? I realize that poor behavior on
Speaker 2: the part of my children would easily solve the problem,
Speaker 2: but there must be another way. I'm willing to try anything. Sincerely,
Speaker 2: Greg Wood. Well, Gregword, you have quite a problem on
Speaker 2: your hands. Santa Claus, you see, cannot be kept out.
Speaker 2: If it is his intent to gain entry, he can
Speaker 2: squeeze through the smallest He possesses multiple magical items, including
Speaker 2: the flower to disappear. I'm afraid the easiest solution may
Speaker 2: simply be to inspire worse behavior in your children, perhaps
Speaker 2: via video games or cartools. You know the whole situation
Speaker 2: could actually be lucrative. During the Gilded Age, many an
Speaker 2: ambitious robber Bearon made a hefty fortune by inspiring terrible
Speaker 2: behavior in their children and then profiting off the massive
Speaker 2: cold dumps that Santa left in their stockings. As such,
Speaker 2: you might well consider it uninvestment. And now, gentle listeners,
Speaker 2: we are already out of time. After all, it is
Speaker 2: Christmas Day. We must turn off this podcast. We must
Speaker 2: enjoy the holiday as we see fit. I hope yours
Speaker 2: is monstrously good. End transmission.
Speaker 3: Hey, this is Robert. Thanks again to Anton Jessop for
Speaker 3: filling in for us on this special edition of Listener Mail.
Speaker 3: Joe and I will be back next week to read
Speaker 3: the usual listener mails, but you can also send us
Speaker 3: stuff you want forwarded on to doctor Jessup. Thanks as
Speaker 3: always to the excellent JJ Possway for producing the show,
Speaker 3: and you can reach us at contact at stuff to
Speaker 3: Blow your Mind dot com.
Speaker 1: Stuff to Blow Your Mind is production of iHeartRadio. For
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