1 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: Welcome to Stuff to Blow your Mind, a production of iHeartRadio. 2 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 2: Greetings. My name is doctor Anton Jess, professor of Monster 3 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,439 Speaker 2: Studies here at the University. You know, last night I 4 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 2: suffered terrifying nightmares. I was beset by a trio of 5 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:30,639 Speaker 2: apparitions intent on teaching me the true meaning of Christmas. Now, 6 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,199 Speaker 2: as they chose to communicate with me through the medium 7 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:37,479 Speaker 2: of dream, it's difficult to make much sense of it 8 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 2: at all. I believe the basic idea is that I'm 9 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:46,360 Speaker 2: somehow supposed to attend more holiday parties, well at any rate. 10 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,680 Speaker 2: When I finally woke from all of this, I turned 11 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,600 Speaker 2: to my assistant Maxwell, and I said, you boy, what 12 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,920 Speaker 2: day is today? And that's when he whispered that it was, 13 00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 2: in fact Christmas Day. So Mary, Christmas or otherwise, Happy 14 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 2: twenty fifth of December. Let's celebrate by reading a couple 15 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 2: of letters from you, my devoted monster lovers. 16 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 3: This first one. 17 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:18,119 Speaker 2: Reads as follows, Venerable Doctor jessop my lover and I, 18 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 2: our first year graduate students at the university who have 19 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:26,040 Speaker 2: fallen into a rather unfortunate situation. It began last week 20 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 2: when our major professor, doctor Armitage, asked us to return 21 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,199 Speaker 2: a rare and priceless occult book to the university library 22 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 2: on his behalf. Eager to please such a distinguished personage, 23 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,319 Speaker 2: we of course immediately brought the irreplaceable tone back to 24 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,759 Speaker 2: our apartment and began chanting key passages aloud. It might 25 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 2: have been that, in our inexperience, we mispronounced a few 26 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 2: pivotal words, or it might have been our non traditional 27 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 2: choice of occult pinky rings in hindset the custom made 28 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 2: smiling poop emojis symbols on the rings might have functioned 29 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 2: suboptimally here. Regardless of the cause, the ritual that were 30 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 2: supposed to open a vast subterranean portal to infinite sanity 31 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 2: shredding realms only partially worked. Our apartment building, with all 32 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,760 Speaker 2: of its denizens, plunged downward into the labyrinthine depths beneath 33 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:24,680 Speaker 2: our sleepy New England neighborhood and became stuck in what 34 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 2: mundane minds would call the sewers. And now we, along 35 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 2: with our neighbors, find that our newly subsurfaced building has 36 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:38,919 Speaker 2: a vexatious infestation of the chuds, making matters even worse. 37 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 2: Doctor armaitage has begun emailing inquiries about the location of 38 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:47,399 Speaker 2: his book. The university library has been leaving threatening voicemails 39 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: about late fees, and we are growing weary of our 40 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 2: neighbour's complaints about the toxic, waste riddled creatures that frequently 41 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 2: attempt to consume their precious human flesh. Doctor Jessip is 42 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 2: their awake to extricate ourselves from this quagmire. My lover 43 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,480 Speaker 2: argues that we should change our major to anthropology and 44 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 2: write a seminal study of Chud customs and feeding habits. 45 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 2: But I believe we should try the Eldrick chance in 46 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 2: the book again, maybe with more appropriate pinky finger adornments. 47 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 2: What do you advise, good sir, in this predicament? Yours 48 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:29,560 Speaker 2: in monstrosity, aggrieved beneath Arkham, dear aggrieved, Well, Chuds are 49 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,920 Speaker 2: in dire need of more research. So far be it 50 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 2: from me to dissuade you from this choice. But there 51 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 2: is something about an Eldrich tome that demands reading aloud, 52 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:43,080 Speaker 2: isn't there? What greater mysteries might it unlock? And indeed, 53 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,240 Speaker 2: perhaps this would free you from the sewage written environment 54 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 2: you find yourselves in. Move on to a deeper, better place. 55 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 2: So I would argue to press on. What's the worst 56 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 2: that could happen? This next one comes to us from 57 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 2: Greg Wood. Greg Wood writes, Dear doctor Jessip, I am 58 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,520 Speaker 2: the father of three perfect children, and I have an 59 00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 2: interesting holiday problem. My children are simply too good Santa Claus, 60 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 2: it would seem, is not only real, but his gifts 61 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 2: are directly proportional to good behavior after all, and my children, 62 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 2: again are perfect as such. Each year Santa brings an 63 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,479 Speaker 2: unsustainable amount of goods to our house, and we simply 64 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,880 Speaker 2: cannot structurally bear it any longer. How might I stop 65 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:40,159 Speaker 2: Santa Claus from coming? I realize that poor behavior on 66 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,839 Speaker 2: the part of my children would easily solve the problem, 67 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 2: but there must be another way. I'm willing to try anything. Sincerely, 68 00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 2: Greg Wood. Well, Gregword, you have quite a problem on 69 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 2: your hands. Santa Claus, you see, cannot be kept out. 70 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 2: If it is his intent to gain entry, he can 71 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:03,719 Speaker 2: squeeze through the smallest He possesses multiple magical items, including 72 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 2: the flower to disappear. I'm afraid the easiest solution may 73 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:12,480 Speaker 2: simply be to inspire worse behavior in your children, perhaps 74 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:17,480 Speaker 2: via video games or cartools. You know the whole situation 75 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,480 Speaker 2: could actually be lucrative. During the Gilded Age, many an 76 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:26,600 Speaker 2: ambitious robber Bearon made a hefty fortune by inspiring terrible 77 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 2: behavior in their children and then profiting off the massive 78 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:35,279 Speaker 2: cold dumps that Santa left in their stockings. As such, 79 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:41,159 Speaker 2: you might well consider it uninvestment. And now, gentle listeners, 80 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,720 Speaker 2: we are already out of time. After all, it is 81 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:48,520 Speaker 2: Christmas Day. We must turn off this podcast. We must 82 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 2: enjoy the holiday as we see fit. I hope yours 83 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:58,400 Speaker 2: is monstrously good. End transmission. 84 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,240 Speaker 3: Hey, this is Robert. Thanks again to Anton Jessop for 85 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,119 Speaker 3: filling in for us on this special edition of Listener Mail. 86 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:07,560 Speaker 3: Joe and I will be back next week to read 87 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 3: the usual listener mails, but you can also send us 88 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 3: stuff you want forwarded on to doctor Jessup. Thanks as 89 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,280 Speaker 3: always to the excellent JJ Possway for producing the show, 90 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:20,280 Speaker 3: and you can reach us at contact at stuff to 91 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:28,400 Speaker 3: Blow your Mind dot com. 92 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: Stuff to Blow Your Mind is production of iHeartRadio. For 93 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: more podcasts from My Heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 94 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.