WEBVTT - 245, The psychology of the middle child 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:04.520 Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:08.400 the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:11.160 the world, it is great to have you here back 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:14.680 for another episode as we, of course break down the 0:00:14.720 --> 0:00:18.439 psychology of our twenties. Thank you for joining us, and 0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:22.159 thank you to begin to all of you for the 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:25.000 support you have shown the announcement of my debut book, 0:00:25.360 --> 0:00:29.080 Person and Progress, which comes out in April twenty twenty five. 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:33.639 It has blown me away, truly, how many of you 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:37.959 have pre ordered and sent me such lovely messages. And 0:00:38.040 --> 0:00:39.600 if you want to be one of the first people 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:42.319 to get your hands on a copy and read it, 0:00:42.800 --> 0:00:45.360 you can find the link in the episode description. Even 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:47.440 if you just want to check out the cover, it's 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:50.120 all there. I just couldn't start the episode without acknowledging 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:53.479 the love and the generosity and all the kindness that 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:56.120 you have showed me. But this week we are not 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:58.680 talking about the book or anything close to it. I'm 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:03.320 going to move on and into our topic today because wow, 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:06.000 all of you have wanted to hear about it for 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:09.440 a while, and you have been so patient with me 0:01:09.560 --> 0:01:13.080 as I kept promising it. We're finally there. We are 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:18.560 going to be talking about the psychology of the middle child. 0:01:18.720 --> 0:01:20.920 So late last year, I believe I did an episode 0:01:21.120 --> 0:01:24.240 on what it's like to be the eldest daughter, and 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:27.240 so many of you related. So many of you were like, yeah, 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:30.120 I totally agree that is me to a tea. But 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:34.840 another huge number of you also said, you know, what 0:01:34.959 --> 0:01:39.560 about us middle children? What if I'm the middle child 0:01:39.720 --> 0:01:42.400 and the eldest daughter, because you know, I have an 0:01:42.440 --> 0:01:45.800 older brother or I have brothers, where do I sit? Well? 0:01:45.880 --> 0:01:48.960 After months of requests, I finally get to give you 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:54.040 the answers you're looking for. What is middle child syndrome? 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:58.720 How are middle children built differently? How are they raised differently? 0:01:58.920 --> 0:02:02.640 What is their psych ecology? What are their insecurities? They're 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:06.480 inner emotional lives and personalities like you know, the eldest 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:09.280 and the youngest of a family. They always get so 0:02:09.480 --> 0:02:13.520 much attention because they like book mark the family system 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:17.560 like they book mark like the family unit. And you know, 0:02:17.600 --> 0:02:20.440 the middle child is never really made to feel special. 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:23.200 But today we're going to put that spotlight on them 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:27.720 and spend the next thirty forty minutes just focusing on 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:31.679 middle children. Justice for the middle children, the chameleons of 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:35.080 the family, the forgotten children. What does psychology and birth 0:02:35.160 --> 0:02:39.160 order theory say about this group of people and how 0:02:39.320 --> 0:02:45.000 is your personality influenced by this, you know, seemingly arbitrary 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:48.079 position in the family, because a lot of the research 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:50.320 and a lot of the studies would say that it 0:02:50.400 --> 0:02:53.920 is greatly influenced by it. So without further ado, there 0:02:54.000 --> 0:02:59.000 is so much to talk about, quite genuinely, so many studies, 0:02:59.400 --> 0:03:03.799 so many historical theories, so many lived experiences from some 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.840 of you guys, some of the listeners who are middle children. 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:09.560 I used to always think that only eldest children and 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:14.040 only children listen to the podcast. You guys definitely proved 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:17.119 me wrong. So for my middle children, or for those 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:21.160 who are curious, buckle in, sit down. Let us break 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:26.640 down the very intricate, very interesting psychology of the middle child. 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:33.919 The idea that where you were born in the family, 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:37.480 whether that is firstborn, middle, youngest, the idea that that 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:41.839 will somehow influence your personality and how you grow up. 0:03:42.160 --> 0:03:44.720 It is supported and actually it was first put forward 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:48.480 by something called birth order theory. You've probably heard about it, 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:51.560 you've probably seen it on TikTok on Instagram. It's been 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:55.400 doing the rounds. But this theory is really what we 0:03:55.440 --> 0:03:57.720 need to begin the episode with because it is the 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:01.720 tree from which all of our our thoughts, our feelings, 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:06.760 our ideas about middle children tend to come from. You know, 0:04:06.800 --> 0:04:09.200 it comes from the theory, but that theory also comes 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:14.480 from experience, from what we typically see of the middle child. 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:19.200 So birth order theory was developed by a very famous 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:24.280 psychotherapist called Alfred Adler. You probably don't know his name, 0:04:24.279 --> 0:04:26.880 maybe you do, I shouldn't assume, but even if you 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:30.400 don't know his name, you definitely know some of his work. 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:34.640 So he originated the term inferiority complex if you've heard 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:37.400 of that one. He was also one of the first 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:44.279 psychotherapists to actually start studying personality. He was also and 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:46.960 I don't know if you are familiar with this idea, 0:04:47.480 --> 0:04:50.719 he was the person who proposed that in life, the 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:54.159 three major focuses for us are love, friendship, and work. 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:58.359 So if you know that famous equation, that is doctor 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:02.200 Alfred Adler. And he is also the one who birthed 0:05:02.279 --> 0:05:05.760 originated birth order theory. So he's kind of everywhere in 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:09.080 modern psychology. Like if you go digging long and deep 0:05:09.200 --> 0:05:12.600 enough you will find some link back to him. And 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:15.760 during that work on personality that we were we were 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:19.120 speaking about, he observed a lot of people and he 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:23.479 began to see this pattern between his participants in his studies, 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:27.560 whereby people who were born into the same position in 0:05:27.600 --> 0:05:32.320 the family based on their birth order seemed quite similar 0:05:32.680 --> 0:05:36.599 and they adopted many of the same traits, even when 0:05:36.839 --> 0:05:41.039 he controlled for things like income, like country of birth, 0:05:41.320 --> 0:05:44.919 like the education of the parents. You know, if you 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:48.000 were the eldest, that made you a certain person. If 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:50.240 you were one of the middle children, or a second 0:05:50.320 --> 0:05:53.599 child as he called it back then, that also influenced you, 0:05:53.680 --> 0:05:55.600 as did your role as a youngest child or an 0:05:55.600 --> 0:06:00.320 only child. So he basically developed this theory that each 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:04.440 family is like a constellation and when you were born, 0:06:04.600 --> 0:06:08.719 you were given a specific location or position in that 0:06:08.839 --> 0:06:13.720 constellation that will inform how you behave, how outgoing you are, 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:17.719 how anxious you are, confidence, smart, ambitious you are based 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:21.640 on kind of how you know the constellation and the 0:06:21.760 --> 0:06:24.760 solar system work based on where the sun is, based 0:06:24.760 --> 0:06:27.560 on how you rotate the other planets i e. Your siblings, 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:31.280 i e. Your parents. Basically, and this is the major 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:36.320 controversy with birth order theory. He basically says and said 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:39.000 in the time, if you give me an individual and 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:41.479 you tell me where they were born in their family, 0:06:41.839 --> 0:06:44.280 I could tell you exactly what kind of person they are. 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:46.640 I can tell you what grades they're getting. I can 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:49.240 tell you what their love life is like. I can 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:52.520 tell you how ambitious they are, how anxious they are, 0:06:52.640 --> 0:06:55.720 how close they are with their family. Pretty big call 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:58.760 to make. And I will say in recent years, as 0:06:58.800 --> 0:07:04.120 we've developed much more robust experimental research techniques, there are 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:07.320 elements of this theory that have not withstood the test 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:11.280 of time, especially as it relates to like grand assumptions 0:07:11.320 --> 0:07:15.240 about intelligence and success. And you know, is your marriage 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:17.240 going to work out based on whether you're the eldest 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:20.800 or the middle or the youngest. Also, you know, we 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:24.480 are a lot more informed around gender and gender diversity 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.320 and what it means to be someone who is perhaps 0:07:27.720 --> 0:07:33.440 non binary. You know, it used to very much be daughters, sons', eldest, youngest, middle. 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:36.120 We now know that there are also blended families and 0:07:36.200 --> 0:07:39.920 it mixes and it matches. So the theory, you know, 0:07:40.120 --> 0:07:41.640 we need to take it with a grain of salt. 0:07:41.680 --> 0:07:43.520 We need to take what we can from it and 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:48.040 leave some of the outdated parts of it behind. And 0:07:48.120 --> 0:07:51.600 it does still offer a very interesting way of seeing 0:07:52.160 --> 0:07:57.840 how children are perhaps treated differently in the family ecosystem, 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:01.120 and there is no denying I think that, you know, 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:06.000 family dynamics definitely shape personality, and that also includes birth order, 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:10.600 because children are treated differently by their parents based on 0:08:11.080 --> 0:08:14.680 what position they take in the family and sibling dynamic. 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:18.960 Eldest children, as we know, are stereotypically given a lot 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:22.360 of responsibility. They're very ambitious, they want to take control 0:08:22.440 --> 0:08:26.200 of everything. Youngest the youngest child is often quite doted on. 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:32.000 They're the baby, and well the middle child, the middle child, 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:36.520 is what we're here to talk about today. So the 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:39.520 only reason I offer this caveat that perhaps Adler's original 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:42.360 theory is a little bit outdated is just so that 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:46.679 you know it's not going to apply to everyone, especially 0:08:46.760 --> 0:08:50.160 since the original findings were based on cross sectional data, 0:08:50.320 --> 0:08:53.600 and you know, in the modern age, we really want 0:08:53.600 --> 0:08:56.840 more of that longitudinal data. That's really what would be 0:08:56.880 --> 0:08:59.640 best for answering questions around birth order theory. You know, 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.720 if you followed people across their life and you saw 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.720 how that changed. That is so nerdy and boring, and 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:08.480 we don't need to get into like the statistical and 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:12.160 experimental details. But the biggest complaint I always get anytime 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:14.480 I talk about birth order theory is like, that doesn't 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:17.160 apply to me, Like that's not me, that's that's fine, 0:09:17.200 --> 0:09:20.240 that's totally okay. In fact, it's normal for theories to 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:22.600 not apply to everyone. That's why we need to continue 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:26.240 to test them, all right. But what Adler did typically 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:30.560 find was that eldest children were very ambitious. They felt 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:34.960 a real sense of responsibility. They were maybe a bit entitled, 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:38.280 a bit anxious, but very focused, very well behaved. They 0:09:38.320 --> 0:09:42.160 also tended to be friends with other eldest children. Eldest 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:44.880 daughters are their own unique kettle of fish. You can 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:47.280 listen to episode one, one hundred and forty seven on 0:09:47.360 --> 0:09:49.760 that if you want to know about that specifically. And 0:09:49.800 --> 0:09:52.839 then we had, you know, the youngest children. They tended 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:57.840 to be very sociable, extroverted, a little bit maybe attention seeking. 0:09:57.920 --> 0:10:02.400 They also tend to get away with more be rule challenges. 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:05.640 Some might say they're a little bit spoiled as well, 0:10:05.679 --> 0:10:08.160 because they are the baby of the family. I was 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:11.079 talking to my friend Steph about this, and she is 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:13.360 the youngest child, and she was explaining to me. She 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:18.280 was like, well, you know, by the time I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, 0:10:18.480 --> 0:10:21.240 all my siblings had like moved out, so you know, 0:10:21.280 --> 0:10:24.800 my parents had more money and more resources to spoil me, 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:27.200 and you know, they were kind of tired at that 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:31.199 stage of like, you know, applying all the rules, they'd 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:35.760 become a lot more slack, less chores, more freedom. She 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:38.320 kind of got away with a little bit more. You know. 0:10:38.400 --> 0:10:40.720 I think a lot of parents start out being like, 0:10:40.800 --> 0:10:43.280 these are the kinds of people and parents were going 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:45.199 to be, and we're going to have no screens, and 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:48.560 we're gonna have strict rules. Now children will behave and 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:50.880 they will learn manners, and we have, you know, a 0:10:50.880 --> 0:10:54.480 lot of expectations. But you know, surely you get tired. 0:10:54.920 --> 0:10:57.400 You know, the eldest child cops the most of it, 0:10:57.480 --> 0:10:59.920 then the middle child, the middle children, I should say, 0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:01.640 and the youngest child. By the time we get around 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:05.800 that parents get tired. They can't be bothered. You know. 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:07.600 I found that with my little sister as well, like 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:09.560 not to call her out like they're a lot more slack, 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:13.640 I could also go into what this dynamic looks like 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:16.920 for only children being both the eldest, middle, and youngest. 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:20.480 That is for another time. Where does this leave the 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:23.680 middle child? Knowing what the eldest child and the youngest 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:26.360 children tend to look like, what do the middle children 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:30.000 look like? Well, they are literally stuck in the middle. 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:34.720 They are stuck in between the ambitious, responsible eldest and 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:38.000 the charming spot youngest, and they can end up feeling 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:43.079 left out, neglect did forgotten about because they aren't the 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:47.120 bookend children. You know, It's also important to note they 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:51.000 also are the only sibling who has to share their 0:11:51.160 --> 0:11:54.160 birth position with someone else. What do I mean by 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.840 that is that you can only have one eldest, and 0:11:56.880 --> 0:12:01.360 you can only have one youngest, but you can have two, three, four, 0:12:01.440 --> 0:12:04.480 I don't know, let's get crazy here, five middle children. 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.600 So not even their birth order, of their birth position 0:12:08.400 --> 0:12:10.920 is their own. Sometimes middle children even have to share 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:15.000 the middle position. So that is why they're sometimes referred 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:17.880 to as like the forgotten child of the family. Whether 0:12:17.880 --> 0:12:21.240 you agree with that description or that's your experience or not, 0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:26.079 it's really led to this creation of this term called 0:12:26.160 --> 0:12:30.000 middle child syndrome. It's not a clinical disorder. You know, 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:33.559 you can't go to a psychologist and ask for diagnosis 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:37.319 and a script and some medication. But it basically explains 0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:42.679 a pattern of feelings and behaviors reflected by the middle child. 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:44.680 And I'm going to start with the positives here. What 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:47.880 makes the middle child so different in a good way 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:51.360 and so unique and something to be celebrated. Well, the 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:56.199 middle child is often highly independent and flexible. You know, 0:12:56.240 --> 0:13:00.000 they're not too fussed about getting their own way because 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:02.120 they'll kind of make their own way. They're very much 0:13:02.200 --> 0:13:05.560 used to that. Their position as the middle child means 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:09.400 that they you know, haven't had those first through you know, 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:12.959 first few years being an only child like the eldest. 0:13:12.960 --> 0:13:16.080 But they aren't the baby like the youngest. They are 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:19.840 maybe given special treatment, so they kind of get used 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:23.600 to being tucked away in the middle and not getting 0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:27.120 their own way. My sister is like this one hundred 0:13:27.200 --> 0:13:30.040 thousand percent. She's so accommodating, and I do think it's 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:31.960 because she is a middle child. You know, when we 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:35.840 were kids were used to like my parents made such 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:38.240 a big deal of making sure that Ellie, who was 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:42.000 my sister, was allowed to make decisions. We had Ellie 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:45.400 Days or Ellie decisions, where Ellie got to choose what 0:13:45.440 --> 0:13:48.360 we did, Ellie got to choose what we ate, because 0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:51.360 so often she'd kind of just coast under the radar, 0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:53.800 like she wasn't going to be loud and annoying about 0:13:53.800 --> 0:13:56.520 not getting her own way, and so ninety nine percent 0:13:56.520 --> 0:13:59.559 of the time she didn't. So they would really be 0:13:59.679 --> 0:14:03.080 quite intentional with making sure that just because she was 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:06.400 the most cooperative, she didn't have to always be the 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:10.640 one who missed out. Middle children are also very diplomatic. 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:14.800 They're always resolving the tensions or the fights between their 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:18.200 siblings or between their parents and their siblings, which is, 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:22.200 as we know, sometimes a form of parentification. The child 0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:25.880 takes on the role, the emotional role of the parent. 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:30.400 A child should not be, you know, mediating or resolving 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:32.920 conflict at any point in a family. That is the 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:36.240 role of the parent. That is their duty. So often, 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:39.040 you know, we tend to think of the eldest child 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:43.880 or the eldest daughter being parentified. Sometimes in these instances 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.360 when there is, you know, it's more emotionally complex, and 0:14:47.400 --> 0:14:49.640 you need someone to see both sides, you need someone 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:52.360 to call the shots. The middle child is the one 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:55.800 who does it. I often think that the reason they 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:59.360 turn out to be such mediators is because they can 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.520 see both sides very well, because they're often the ones 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:05.640 who have the least amount of like age difference. You know, 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:08.600 the eldest and the youngest have the largest age difference. 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:13.040 The middle child is kind of often developmentally or you know, 0:15:13.120 --> 0:15:15.880 age wise, smack bang in the middle. You know, they 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.400 can they have maybe more of the maturity than the youngest, 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:20.720 but they have more of the empathy for the current 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:25.160 experience than the eldest, So that is something that we 0:15:25.960 --> 0:15:30.160 typically see. Also, they're very loyal. As one article from 0:15:30.400 --> 0:15:32.520 Psychology Today, which is I quote it all the time. 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:36.120 I love Psychology Today. This is what this article said. 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:39.240 They're very, very loyal. And you know, this second part 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:43.600 is up for debate. They are also typically family oriented. 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:48.200 Now why is this up for debate. It used to 0:15:48.200 --> 0:15:53.840 be that people thought that middle children weren't very family oriented. 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:57.320 As soon as they kind of got the opportunity to 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:59.640 leave out, they went they didn't. You know, they were 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:03.600 the ones who went off on their own, which is 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:06.600 kind of true. They are very independent. But a two 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.760 thousand and nine study I was reading actually suggests that 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:14.560 they still really care for the family, and they value family, 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:17.640 and they put lots into the family. They may actually 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:22.040 just have better boundaries, or they are less dependent on 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:26.400 their family than the eldest or the youngest, and so 0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.680 from the outside it looks like they don't care. It 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:33.280 looks like that isn't a priority for them. No, not true, 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:36.880 It's just that it looks different. They also may be 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:42.360 really protective of their relationships outside of the family, which 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:44.920 brings me to like what I would call a neutral 0:16:44.960 --> 0:16:48.800 trait of the middle sibling. They can be quite secretive, 0:16:49.240 --> 0:16:52.480 especially about their private life. You know, who they're dating, 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.640 who they're friends with, their problems. You know, they don't 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:57.840 want to make too much noise. Is I guess kind 0:16:57.880 --> 0:17:01.040 of what I'm saying now, This part about being secretive 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:06.720 towards their problems that bears examining, because this is actually 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:10.840 not very psychologically healthy. It's not something that we want 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:13.640 to see or we want to encourage in any child 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:15.800 or a middle child, whoever it is. You know, you 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:19.359 have never heard someone say, you know, I pushed all 0:17:19.359 --> 0:17:21.639 my feelings down and I suppressed it and I stayed silent, 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:24.160 and now I feel so much better. No, we hear 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:26.199 people say I feel better when I open up, I 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:28.840 feel better when I share. I feel better when I 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:32.680 you know, have community around me who understands what I'm 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:35.920 going through. So the fact that middle children are more 0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:41.800 likely to withdraw and isolate can at times be quite worrying. 0:17:42.680 --> 0:17:46.679 This is why this very tendency to withdraw isolate be 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:52.680 quite secretive cooperative. This is why people call middle children 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:56.920 the chameleons. They blend in, they don't stand out. They 0:17:56.960 --> 0:18:00.359 are very like I guess that's the best swear to 0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:03.199 put it. They don't stand out, right, And the best 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:06.000 way to show this or the best example of this 0:18:06.119 --> 0:18:09.560 that I've seen in the research was actually a paper 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:14.760 from the eighties and it examined gifted children and birth 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:17.120 order theory. So basically what the people wanted to find 0:18:17.160 --> 0:18:20.320 out was, you know, is the eldest always going to 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:22.960 be the gifted child or the youngest? Like does birth 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:27.960 order determine whether you've got some specialness about you? And 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:33.560 they invited people parents to bring in their supposedly gifted children, 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:36.840 and all of them were bringing in their eldest children, 0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:40.679 a huge majority were. But actually when they went to 0:18:40.800 --> 0:18:44.080 test these children. They also said to the parents, well, 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:46.920 you know, we'll give you a discount if you bring 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.080 in your middle child, your youngest child. We just want 0:18:49.080 --> 0:18:51.359 to do it. You know, with all of them, chances 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:54.040 are you could have multiple gifted children and the parents 0:18:54.080 --> 0:18:55.679 would be like, no, no, no, no, no, Like our 0:18:55.760 --> 0:18:59.000 middle child is so you know, so easy going, like 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:02.399 they're lovely, they're great, but they're not a standout. You know, 0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:04.719 they're not standing out in academics, they're not standing out 0:19:04.760 --> 0:19:08.639 in sports or arts. They're not not that talented. But 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:13.080 when they'd come in for testing, the doctors, the professors, 0:19:13.119 --> 0:19:17.159 the teachers, whoever was administering the tests, they often found 0:19:17.280 --> 0:19:20.399 that actually, these middle children, even the youngest children and 0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:24.000 the eldest children, they all had the same relatively the 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:27.919 same intelligence, the same eq the same level of talent, 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:32.920 but the middle child blended in. The middle child did 0:19:32.960 --> 0:19:35.520 not stand out, and the middle child did not have 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:39.520 the same wild expectations that the eldest or the youngest 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:43.880 might be accustomed to experiencing. You know, by the end 0:19:43.920 --> 0:19:48.760 of this experiment, they had fifty different sibling pairs. Out 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:52.080 of that fifty forty two of them. So comparing eldest 0:19:52.080 --> 0:19:55.240 and middle forty two of them were almost identical in 0:19:55.320 --> 0:20:00.399 terms of this all these objective measures for giftedness, but 0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:03.520 on the outside, the eldest was just a lot more 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:08.640 loud about it, and maybe the parents were expecting them 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:11.040 to be the talented one, and so they were more 0:20:11.200 --> 0:20:13.640 likely to kind of put the tiara, put the crown 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:16.000 on them and say, great, you're the one that we're choosing. 0:20:16.080 --> 0:20:19.680 You're the gifted one. Remember, these parents were the ones 0:20:19.720 --> 0:20:21.680 bringing in these kids, and a lot of the time 0:20:21.720 --> 0:20:26.000 they weren't bringing in the middle children. So they're kind 0:20:26.000 --> 0:20:30.920 of seen differently despite objectively being the same. They're seen 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:34.439 differently in the family, which may also cause them to 0:20:34.560 --> 0:20:38.639 act differently. It could be a self fulfilling prophecy the 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:42.239 other explanation for this. And this is just something that 0:20:42.280 --> 0:20:45.520 I personally think it wasn't in the paper. I think 0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:48.840 that the middle child like sees how the eldest child 0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:52.560 is treated and is like that is way too much pressure. 0:20:52.640 --> 0:20:56.200 Like I that stress does not look fun, that does 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:59.280 not look enjoyable. I'm just gonna blend in because I 0:20:59.359 --> 0:21:04.320 just want to crute, Like my eldest sibling looks super stressed, 0:21:04.600 --> 0:21:09.040 doesn't look happy. I'm gonna go under the radar. I'm 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:14.040 gonna maybe opt out of that situation, or or another 0:21:14.080 --> 0:21:16.600 explanation is they think or they can't be They can 0:21:16.640 --> 0:21:18.480 only be room for one, they can't be room for two. 0:21:18.520 --> 0:21:21.680 So I'm just gonna chill. I'm gonna do something else. 0:21:22.320 --> 0:21:25.840 Those are like two of the thoughts that I kind 0:21:25.880 --> 0:21:29.840 of have about this. And it may also explain why 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:34.480 sometimes the middle child goes in the opposite direction of 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:38.199 their older brother or sister in terms of personality and 0:21:38.240 --> 0:21:41.680 in terms of how they express that personality. So I'm 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:44.320 gonna bring up another study. Guys, I'm full of studies today. 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:47.120 I've got so much research to share with you. And 0:21:47.240 --> 0:21:51.879 this one actually came from some researchers at MIT, and 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:55.880 what they found was that, you know, middle sons, in particular, 0:21:56.560 --> 0:21:59.240 they were more likely to be the black shape of 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:05.040 the family compared to eldest sons, eldest daughters, youngest daughters, 0:22:05.200 --> 0:22:09.840 youngest sons, the middle child, specifically, the middle sons, they 0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:12.919 were the thumb that kind of stuck out. So this 0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:17.679 research was conducted in twenty seventeen, semi recently on the 0:22:17.720 --> 0:22:21.760 CUSP and the team of researchers collected and analyzed data 0:22:21.880 --> 0:22:26.080 from thousands of sibling groups in the United States and 0:22:26.160 --> 0:22:29.720 in Denmark, and they found that the middle son, if 0:22:29.720 --> 0:22:32.840 there was a middle son, was twenty five to forty 0:22:32.840 --> 0:22:38.359 percent times more likely to have problems with discipline, getting 0:22:38.359 --> 0:22:41.800 told off at school. They were more likely to have 0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:45.960 been suspended, to be seen as a bit rebellious, or 0:22:46.040 --> 0:22:50.000 to even end up in jail. The explanation that was 0:22:50.040 --> 0:22:52.879 given by the head researcher in which we see repeated 0:22:53.359 --> 0:22:56.399 quite frequently when it comes to speaking about the middle child, 0:22:57.040 --> 0:22:59.320 they just don't get the same amount of undivided attention 0:22:59.359 --> 0:23:02.240 as the eldest or the youngest, and perhaps for boys 0:23:02.320 --> 0:23:05.320 in particular, they compensate for that by acting out. They 0:23:05.400 --> 0:23:08.359 really want that attention, They want to be cared for, 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:12.600 and if they can't get that care organically, they can 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:16.600 get it through being rebellious because people have to look 0:23:16.640 --> 0:23:21.000 at them. I think that that is a very interesting 0:23:21.359 --> 0:23:23.399 explanation that comes up again and again and again. The 0:23:23.440 --> 0:23:26.640 middle child is overlooked, they're dominated by the stronger siblings. 0:23:26.720 --> 0:23:29.359 They slip through the cracks, and that means they have 0:23:29.440 --> 0:23:33.720 to carve out their identity in any way that they can. Obviously, 0:23:33.760 --> 0:23:37.800 I think a big long term consequence of that is 0:23:37.880 --> 0:23:40.879 a lot of resentment. Any one of us who has siblings. 0:23:41.400 --> 0:23:44.400 We know that when you're young, everything is always a competition, 0:23:44.440 --> 0:23:50.000 and when it's exaggerated by this other complex aspect to 0:23:50.040 --> 0:23:53.879