1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:04,520 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 1: the world, it is great to have you here back 4 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,680 Speaker 1: for another episode as we, of course break down the 5 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:18,439 Speaker 1: psychology of our twenties. Thank you for joining us, and 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:22,159 Speaker 1: thank you to begin to all of you for the 7 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: support you have shown the announcement of my debut book, 8 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,080 Speaker 1: Person and Progress, which comes out in April twenty twenty five. 9 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:33,639 Speaker 1: It has blown me away, truly, how many of you 10 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:37,959 Speaker 1: have pre ordered and sent me such lovely messages. And 11 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,600 Speaker 1: if you want to be one of the first people 12 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,319 Speaker 1: to get your hands on a copy and read it, 13 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 1: you can find the link in the episode description. Even 14 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,440 Speaker 1: if you just want to check out the cover, it's 15 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: all there. I just couldn't start the episode without acknowledging 16 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 1: the love and the generosity and all the kindness that 17 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: you have showed me. But this week we are not 18 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 1: talking about the book or anything close to it. I'm 19 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:03,320 Speaker 1: going to move on and into our topic today because wow, 20 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: all of you have wanted to hear about it for 21 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: a while, and you have been so patient with me 22 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: as I kept promising it. We're finally there. We are 23 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: going to be talking about the psychology of the middle child. 24 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: So late last year, I believe I did an episode 25 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: on what it's like to be the eldest daughter, and 26 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: so many of you related. So many of you were like, yeah, 27 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:30,120 Speaker 1: I totally agree that is me to a tea. But 28 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 1: another huge number of you also said, you know, what 29 00:01:34,959 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: about us middle children? What if I'm the middle child 30 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,400 Speaker 1: and the eldest daughter, because you know, I have an 31 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: older brother or I have brothers, where do I sit? Well? 32 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: After months of requests, I finally get to give you 33 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: the answers you're looking for. What is middle child syndrome? 34 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: How are middle children built differently? How are they raised differently? 35 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 1: What is their psych ecology? What are their insecurities? They're 36 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: inner emotional lives and personalities like you know, the eldest 37 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,280 Speaker 1: and the youngest of a family. They always get so 38 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: much attention because they like book mark the family system 39 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:17,560 Speaker 1: like they book mark like the family unit. And you know, 40 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 1: the middle child is never really made to feel special. 41 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,200 Speaker 1: But today we're going to put that spotlight on them 42 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 1: and spend the next thirty forty minutes just focusing on 43 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,679 Speaker 1: middle children. Justice for the middle children, the chameleons of 44 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 1: the family, the forgotten children. What does psychology and birth 45 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: order theory say about this group of people and how 46 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: is your personality influenced by this, you know, seemingly arbitrary 47 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,079 Speaker 1: position in the family, because a lot of the research 48 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: and a lot of the studies would say that it 49 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,920 Speaker 1: is greatly influenced by it. So without further ado, there 50 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: is so much to talk about, quite genuinely, so many studies, 51 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 1: so many historical theories, so many lived experiences from some 52 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,840 Speaker 1: of you guys, some of the listeners who are middle children. 53 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 1: I used to always think that only eldest children and 54 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 1: only children listen to the podcast. You guys definitely proved 55 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,119 Speaker 1: me wrong. So for my middle children, or for those 56 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: who are curious, buckle in, sit down. Let us break 57 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:26,640 Speaker 1: down the very intricate, very interesting psychology of the middle child. 58 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,919 Speaker 1: The idea that where you were born in the family, 59 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,480 Speaker 1: whether that is firstborn, middle, youngest, the idea that that 60 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,839 Speaker 1: will somehow influence your personality and how you grow up. 61 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 1: It is supported and actually it was first put forward 62 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: by something called birth order theory. You've probably heard about it, 63 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,560 Speaker 1: you've probably seen it on TikTok on Instagram. It's been 64 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: doing the rounds. But this theory is really what we 65 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: need to begin the episode with because it is the 66 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: tree from which all of our our thoughts, our feelings, 67 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: our ideas about middle children tend to come from. You know, 68 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: it comes from the theory, but that theory also comes 69 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 1: from experience, from what we typically see of the middle child. 70 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: So birth order theory was developed by a very famous 71 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:24,280 Speaker 1: psychotherapist called Alfred Adler. You probably don't know his name, 72 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 1: maybe you do, I shouldn't assume, but even if you 73 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: don't know his name, you definitely know some of his work. 74 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: So he originated the term inferiority complex if you've heard 75 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 1: of that one. He was also one of the first 76 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:44,279 Speaker 1: psychotherapists to actually start studying personality. He was also and 77 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 1: I don't know if you are familiar with this idea, 78 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,719 Speaker 1: he was the person who proposed that in life, the 79 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,159 Speaker 1: three major focuses for us are love, friendship, and work. 80 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,359 Speaker 1: So if you know that famous equation, that is doctor 81 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: Alfred Adler. And he is also the one who birthed 82 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 1: originated birth order theory. So he's kind of everywhere in 83 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 1: modern psychology. Like if you go digging long and deep 84 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,600 Speaker 1: enough you will find some link back to him. And 85 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 1: during that work on personality that we were we were 86 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: speaking about, he observed a lot of people and he 87 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,479 Speaker 1: began to see this pattern between his participants in his studies, 88 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 1: whereby people who were born into the same position in 89 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:32,320 Speaker 1: the family based on their birth order seemed quite similar 90 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:36,599 Speaker 1: and they adopted many of the same traits, even when 91 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 1: he controlled for things like income, like country of birth, 92 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,919 Speaker 1: like the education of the parents. You know, if you 93 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 1: were the eldest, that made you a certain person. If 94 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 1: you were one of the middle children, or a second 95 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,599 Speaker 1: child as he called it back then, that also influenced you, 96 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,600 Speaker 1: as did your role as a youngest child or an 97 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 1: only child. So he basically developed this theory that each 98 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 1: family is like a constellation and when you were born, 99 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:08,719 Speaker 1: you were given a specific location or position in that 100 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:13,720 Speaker 1: constellation that will inform how you behave, how outgoing you are, 101 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,719 Speaker 1: how anxious you are, confidence, smart, ambitious you are based 102 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:21,640 Speaker 1: on kind of how you know the constellation and the 103 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: solar system work based on where the sun is, based 104 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 1: on how you rotate the other planets i e. Your siblings, 105 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:31,280 Speaker 1: i e. Your parents. Basically, and this is the major 106 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: controversy with birth order theory. He basically says and said 107 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,000 Speaker 1: in the time, if you give me an individual and 108 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,479 Speaker 1: you tell me where they were born in their family, 109 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:44,280 Speaker 1: I could tell you exactly what kind of person they are. 110 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,640 Speaker 1: I can tell you what grades they're getting. I can 111 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 1: tell you what their love life is like. I can 112 00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 1: tell you how ambitious they are, how anxious they are, 113 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,720 Speaker 1: how close they are with their family. Pretty big call 114 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: to make. And I will say in recent years, as 115 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:04,120 Speaker 1: we've developed much more robust experimental research techniques, there are 116 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 1: elements of this theory that have not withstood the test 117 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:11,280 Speaker 1: of time, especially as it relates to like grand assumptions 118 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:15,240 Speaker 1: about intelligence and success. And you know, is your marriage 119 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: going to work out based on whether you're the eldest 120 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 1: or the middle or the youngest. Also, you know, we 121 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: are a lot more informed around gender and gender diversity 122 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 1: and what it means to be someone who is perhaps 123 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: non binary. You know, it used to very much be daughters, sons', eldest, youngest, middle. 124 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: We now know that there are also blended families and 125 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 1: it mixes and it matches. So the theory, you know, 126 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,640 Speaker 1: we need to take it with a grain of salt. 127 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: We need to take what we can from it and 128 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:48,040 Speaker 1: leave some of the outdated parts of it behind. And 129 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 1: it does still offer a very interesting way of seeing 130 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: how children are perhaps treated differently in the family ecosystem, 131 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 1: and there is no denying I think that, you know, 132 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: family dynamics definitely shape personality, and that also includes birth order, 133 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 1: because children are treated differently by their parents based on 134 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:14,680 Speaker 1: what position they take in the family and sibling dynamic. 135 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: Eldest children, as we know, are stereotypically given a lot 136 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 1: of responsibility. They're very ambitious, they want to take control 137 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: of everything. Youngest the youngest child is often quite doted on. 138 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: They're the baby, and well the middle child, the middle child, 139 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,520 Speaker 1: is what we're here to talk about today. So the 140 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,520 Speaker 1: only reason I offer this caveat that perhaps Adler's original 141 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 1: theory is a little bit outdated is just so that 142 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:46,679 Speaker 1: you know it's not going to apply to everyone, especially 143 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,160 Speaker 1: since the original findings were based on cross sectional data, 144 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 1: and you know, in the modern age, we really want 145 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 1: more of that longitudinal data. That's really what would be 146 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 1: best for answering questions around birth order theory. You know, 147 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: if you followed people across their life and you saw 148 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,720 Speaker 1: how that changed. That is so nerdy and boring, and 149 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 1: we don't need to get into like the statistical and 150 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: experimental details. But the biggest complaint I always get anytime 151 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,480 Speaker 1: I talk about birth order theory is like, that doesn't 152 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: apply to me, Like that's not me, that's that's fine, 153 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,240 Speaker 1: that's totally okay. In fact, it's normal for theories to 154 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: not apply to everyone. That's why we need to continue 155 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 1: to test them, all right. But what Adler did typically 156 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:30,560 Speaker 1: find was that eldest children were very ambitious. They felt 157 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:34,960 Speaker 1: a real sense of responsibility. They were maybe a bit entitled, 158 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,280 Speaker 1: a bit anxious, but very focused, very well behaved. They 159 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 1: also tended to be friends with other eldest children. Eldest 160 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: daughters are their own unique kettle of fish. You can 161 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 1: listen to episode one, one hundred and forty seven on 162 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,760 Speaker 1: that if you want to know about that specifically. And 163 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,839 Speaker 1: then we had, you know, the youngest children. They tended 164 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:57,840 Speaker 1: to be very sociable, extroverted, a little bit maybe attention seeking. 165 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 1: They also tend to get away with more be rule challenges. 166 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: Some might say they're a little bit spoiled as well, 167 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:08,160 Speaker 1: because they are the baby of the family. I was 168 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,079 Speaker 1: talking to my friend Steph about this, and she is 169 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,360 Speaker 1: the youngest child, and she was explaining to me. She 170 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:18,280 Speaker 1: was like, well, you know, by the time I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, 171 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: all my siblings had like moved out, so you know, 172 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: my parents had more money and more resources to spoil me, 173 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: and you know, they were kind of tired at that 174 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:31,199 Speaker 1: stage of like, you know, applying all the rules, they'd 175 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,760 Speaker 1: become a lot more slack, less chores, more freedom. She 176 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,320 Speaker 1: kind of got away with a little bit more. You know. 177 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 1: I think a lot of parents start out being like, 178 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 1: these are the kinds of people and parents were going 179 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,199 Speaker 1: to be, and we're going to have no screens, and 180 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,560 Speaker 1: we're gonna have strict rules. Now children will behave and 181 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,880 Speaker 1: they will learn manners, and we have, you know, a 182 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 1: lot of expectations. But you know, surely you get tired. 183 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,400 Speaker 1: You know, the eldest child cops the most of it, 184 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: then the middle child, the middle children, I should say, 185 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: and the youngest child. By the time we get around 186 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: that parents get tired. They can't be bothered. You know. 187 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 1: I found that with my little sister as well, like 188 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 1: not to call her out like they're a lot more slack, 189 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 1: I could also go into what this dynamic looks like 190 00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 1: for only children being both the eldest, middle, and youngest. 191 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 1: That is for another time. Where does this leave the 192 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 1: middle child? Knowing what the eldest child and the youngest 193 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 1: children tend to look like, what do the middle children 194 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,000 Speaker 1: look like? Well, they are literally stuck in the middle. 195 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,720 Speaker 1: They are stuck in between the ambitious, responsible eldest and 196 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: the charming spot youngest, and they can end up feeling 197 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:43,079 Speaker 1: left out, neglect did forgotten about because they aren't the 198 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: bookend children. You know, It's also important to note they 199 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: also are the only sibling who has to share their 200 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 1: birth position with someone else. What do I mean by 201 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 1: that is that you can only have one eldest, and 202 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 1: you can only have one youngest, but you can have two, three, four, 203 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,480 Speaker 1: I don't know, let's get crazy here, five middle children. 204 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 1: So not even their birth order, of their birth position 205 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: is their own. Sometimes middle children even have to share 206 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:15,000 Speaker 1: the middle position. So that is why they're sometimes referred 207 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: to as like the forgotten child of the family. Whether 208 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,240 Speaker 1: you agree with that description or that's your experience or not, 209 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:26,079 Speaker 1: it's really led to this creation of this term called 210 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: middle child syndrome. It's not a clinical disorder. You know, 211 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,559 Speaker 1: you can't go to a psychologist and ask for diagnosis 212 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 1: and a script and some medication. But it basically explains 213 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:42,679 Speaker 1: a pattern of feelings and behaviors reflected by the middle child. 214 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,680 Speaker 1: And I'm going to start with the positives here. What 215 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 1: makes the middle child so different in a good way 216 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,360 Speaker 1: and so unique and something to be celebrated. Well, the 217 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:56,199 Speaker 1: middle child is often highly independent and flexible. You know, 218 00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 1: they're not too fussed about getting their own way because 219 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,120 Speaker 1: they'll kind of make their own way. They're very much 220 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,560 Speaker 1: used to that. Their position as the middle child means 221 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,400 Speaker 1: that they you know, haven't had those first through you know, 222 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,959 Speaker 1: first few years being an only child like the eldest. 223 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,080 Speaker 1: But they aren't the baby like the youngest. They are 224 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,840 Speaker 1: maybe given special treatment, so they kind of get used 225 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,600 Speaker 1: to being tucked away in the middle and not getting 226 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: their own way. My sister is like this one hundred 227 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: thousand percent. She's so accommodating, and I do think it's 228 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,960 Speaker 1: because she is a middle child. You know, when we 229 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,840 Speaker 1: were kids were used to like my parents made such 230 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 1: a big deal of making sure that Ellie, who was 231 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: my sister, was allowed to make decisions. We had Ellie 232 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,400 Speaker 1: Days or Ellie decisions, where Ellie got to choose what 233 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 1: we did, Ellie got to choose what we ate, because 234 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 1: so often she'd kind of just coast under the radar, 235 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 1: like she wasn't going to be loud and annoying about 236 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,520 Speaker 1: not getting her own way, and so ninety nine percent 237 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,559 Speaker 1: of the time she didn't. So they would really be 238 00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:03,080 Speaker 1: quite intentional with making sure that just because she was 239 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: the most cooperative, she didn't have to always be the 240 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,640 Speaker 1: one who missed out. Middle children are also very diplomatic. 241 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: They're always resolving the tensions or the fights between their 242 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:18,200 Speaker 1: siblings or between their parents and their siblings, which is, 243 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: as we know, sometimes a form of parentification. The child 244 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 1: takes on the role, the emotional role of the parent. 245 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: A child should not be, you know, mediating or resolving 246 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 1: conflict at any point in a family. That is the 247 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: role of the parent. That is their duty. So often, 248 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,040 Speaker 1: you know, we tend to think of the eldest child 249 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:43,880 Speaker 1: or the eldest daughter being parentified. Sometimes in these instances 250 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:47,360 Speaker 1: when there is, you know, it's more emotionally complex, and 251 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: you need someone to see both sides, you need someone 252 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,360 Speaker 1: to call the shots. The middle child is the one 253 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,800 Speaker 1: who does it. I often think that the reason they 254 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: turn out to be such mediators is because they can 255 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,520 Speaker 1: see both sides very well, because they're often the ones 256 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,640 Speaker 1: who have the least amount of like age difference. You know, 257 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,600 Speaker 1: the eldest and the youngest have the largest age difference. 258 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,040 Speaker 1: The middle child is kind of often developmentally or you know, 259 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 1: age wise, smack bang in the middle. You know, they 260 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 1: can they have maybe more of the maturity than the youngest, 261 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,720 Speaker 1: but they have more of the empathy for the current 262 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: experience than the eldest, So that is something that we 263 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:30,160 Speaker 1: typically see. Also, they're very loyal. As one article from 264 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: Psychology Today, which is I quote it all the time. 265 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 1: I love Psychology Today. This is what this article said. 266 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 1: They're very, very loyal. And you know, this second part 267 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 1: is up for debate. They are also typically family oriented. 268 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: Now why is this up for debate. It used to 269 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:53,840 Speaker 1: be that people thought that middle children weren't very family oriented. 270 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,320 Speaker 1: As soon as they kind of got the opportunity to 271 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: leave out, they went they didn't. You know, they were 272 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 1: the ones who went off on their own, which is 273 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,600 Speaker 1: kind of true. They are very independent. But a two 274 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: thousand and nine study I was reading actually suggests that 275 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 1: they still really care for the family, and they value family, 276 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,640 Speaker 1: and they put lots into the family. They may actually 277 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: just have better boundaries, or they are less dependent on 278 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:26,400 Speaker 1: their family than the eldest or the youngest, and so 279 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: from the outside it looks like they don't care. It 280 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: looks like that isn't a priority for them. No, not true, 281 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 1: It's just that it looks different. They also may be 282 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 1: really protective of their relationships outside of the family, which 283 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,920 Speaker 1: brings me to like what I would call a neutral 284 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: trait of the middle sibling. They can be quite secretive, 285 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: especially about their private life. You know, who they're dating, 286 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,640 Speaker 1: who they're friends with, their problems. You know, they don't 287 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 1: want to make too much noise. Is I guess kind 288 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,040 Speaker 1: of what I'm saying now, This part about being secretive 289 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 1: towards their problems that bears examining, because this is actually 290 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 1: not very psychologically healthy. It's not something that we want 291 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,640 Speaker 1: to see or we want to encourage in any child 292 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,800 Speaker 1: or a middle child, whoever it is. You know, you 293 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:19,359 Speaker 1: have never heard someone say, you know, I pushed all 294 00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:21,639 Speaker 1: my feelings down and I suppressed it and I stayed silent, 295 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,160 Speaker 1: and now I feel so much better. No, we hear 296 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,199 Speaker 1: people say I feel better when I open up, I 297 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 1: feel better when I share. I feel better when I 298 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,680 Speaker 1: you know, have community around me who understands what I'm 299 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,920 Speaker 1: going through. So the fact that middle children are more 300 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 1: likely to withdraw and isolate can at times be quite worrying. 301 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,679 Speaker 1: This is why this very tendency to withdraw isolate be 302 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:52,680 Speaker 1: quite secretive cooperative. This is why people call middle children 303 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,920 Speaker 1: the chameleons. They blend in, they don't stand out. They 304 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,359 Speaker 1: are very like I guess that's the best swear to 305 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,199 Speaker 1: put it. They don't stand out, right, And the best 306 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: way to show this or the best example of this 307 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: that I've seen in the research was actually a paper 308 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:14,760 Speaker 1: from the eighties and it examined gifted children and birth 309 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,120 Speaker 1: order theory. So basically what the people wanted to find 310 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 1: out was, you know, is the eldest always going to 311 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,960 Speaker 1: be the gifted child or the youngest? Like does birth 312 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 1: order determine whether you've got some specialness about you? And 313 00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: they invited people parents to bring in their supposedly gifted children, 314 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 1: and all of them were bringing in their eldest children, 315 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,679 Speaker 1: a huge majority were. But actually when they went to 316 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: test these children. They also said to the parents, well, 317 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,920 Speaker 1: you know, we'll give you a discount if you bring 318 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: in your middle child, your youngest child. We just want 319 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,359 Speaker 1: to do it. You know, with all of them, chances 320 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: are you could have multiple gifted children and the parents 321 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,679 Speaker 1: would be like, no, no, no, no, no, Like our 322 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 1: middle child is so you know, so easy going, like 323 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,399 Speaker 1: they're lovely, they're great, but they're not a standout. You know, 324 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,719 Speaker 1: they're not standing out in academics, they're not standing out 325 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: in sports or arts. They're not not that talented. But 326 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 1: when they'd come in for testing, the doctors, the professors, 327 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:17,159 Speaker 1: the teachers, whoever was administering the tests, they often found 328 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,399 Speaker 1: that actually, these middle children, even the youngest children and 329 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 1: the eldest children, they all had the same relatively the 330 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,919 Speaker 1: same intelligence, the same eq the same level of talent, 331 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: but the middle child blended in. The middle child did 332 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,520 Speaker 1: not stand out, and the middle child did not have 333 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:39,520 Speaker 1: the same wild expectations that the eldest or the youngest 334 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,880 Speaker 1: might be accustomed to experiencing. You know, by the end 335 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:48,760 Speaker 1: of this experiment, they had fifty different sibling pairs. Out 336 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 1: of that fifty forty two of them. So comparing eldest 337 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: and middle forty two of them were almost identical in 338 00:19:55,320 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 1: terms of this all these objective measures for giftedness, but 339 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 1: on the outside, the eldest was just a lot more 340 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:08,640 Speaker 1: loud about it, and maybe the parents were expecting them 341 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: to be the talented one, and so they were more 342 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,640 Speaker 1: likely to kind of put the tiara, put the crown 343 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 1: on them and say, great, you're the one that we're choosing. 344 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,680 Speaker 1: You're the gifted one. Remember, these parents were the ones 345 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,680 Speaker 1: bringing in these kids, and a lot of the time 346 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:26,000 Speaker 1: they weren't bringing in the middle children. So they're kind 347 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:30,920 Speaker 1: of seen differently despite objectively being the same. They're seen 348 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,439 Speaker 1: differently in the family, which may also cause them to 349 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,639 Speaker 1: act differently. It could be a self fulfilling prophecy the 350 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,239 Speaker 1: other explanation for this. And this is just something that 351 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 1: I personally think it wasn't in the paper. I think 352 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:48,840 Speaker 1: that the middle child like sees how the eldest child 353 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 1: is treated and is like that is way too much pressure. 354 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,200 Speaker 1: Like I that stress does not look fun, that does 355 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,280 Speaker 1: not look enjoyable. I'm just gonna blend in because I 356 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:04,320 Speaker 1: just want to crute, Like my eldest sibling looks super stressed, 357 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: doesn't look happy. I'm gonna go under the radar. I'm 358 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:14,040 Speaker 1: gonna maybe opt out of that situation, or or another 359 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 1: explanation is they think or they can't be They can 360 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 1: only be room for one, they can't be room for two. 361 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,680 Speaker 1: So I'm just gonna chill. I'm gonna do something else. 362 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,840 Speaker 1: Those are like two of the thoughts that I kind 363 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:29,840 Speaker 1: of have about this. And it may also explain why 364 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:34,480 Speaker 1: sometimes the middle child goes in the opposite direction of 365 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,199 Speaker 1: their older brother or sister in terms of personality and 366 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,680 Speaker 1: in terms of how they express that personality. So I'm 367 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: gonna bring up another study. Guys, I'm full of studies today. 368 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,120 Speaker 1: I've got so much research to share with you. And 369 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,879 Speaker 1: this one actually came from some researchers at MIT, and 370 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,880 Speaker 1: what they found was that, you know, middle sons, in particular, 371 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,240 Speaker 1: they were more likely to be the black shape of 372 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 1: the family compared to eldest sons, eldest daughters, youngest daughters, 373 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: youngest sons, the middle child, specifically, the middle sons, they 374 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,919 Speaker 1: were the thumb that kind of stuck out. So this 375 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:17,679 Speaker 1: research was conducted in twenty seventeen, semi recently on the 376 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:21,760 Speaker 1: CUSP and the team of researchers collected and analyzed data 377 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:26,080 Speaker 1: from thousands of sibling groups in the United States and 378 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,720 Speaker 1: in Denmark, and they found that the middle son, if 379 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,840 Speaker 1: there was a middle son, was twenty five to forty 380 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:38,359 Speaker 1: percent times more likely to have problems with discipline, getting 381 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 1: told off at school. They were more likely to have 382 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,960 Speaker 1: been suspended, to be seen as a bit rebellious, or 383 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:50,000 Speaker 1: to even end up in jail. The explanation that was 384 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 1: given by the head researcher in which we see repeated 385 00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:56,399 Speaker 1: quite frequently when it comes to speaking about the middle child, 386 00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,320 Speaker 1: they just don't get the same amount of undivided attention 387 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:02,240 Speaker 1: as the eldest or the youngest, and perhaps for boys 388 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 1: in particular, they compensate for that by acting out. They 389 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,359 Speaker 1: really want that attention, They want to be cared for, 390 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:12,600 Speaker 1: and if they can't get that care organically, they can 391 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 1: get it through being rebellious because people have to look 392 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:21,000 Speaker 1: at them. I think that that is a very interesting 393 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,399 Speaker 1: explanation that comes up again and again and again. The 394 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,640 Speaker 1: middle child is overlooked, they're dominated by the stronger siblings. 395 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: They slip through the cracks, and that means they have 396 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: to carve out their identity in any way that they can. Obviously, 397 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: I think a big long term consequence of that is 398 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,879 Speaker 1: a lot of resentment. Any one of us who has siblings. 399 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,400 Speaker 1: We know that when you're young, everything is always a competition, 400 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:50,000 Speaker 1: and when it's exaggerated by this other complex aspect to 401 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,879 Speaker 1: the equation of being the middle child versus the eldest 402 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,159 Speaker 1: or the youngest, it can just become a bigger fire. 403 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,760 Speaker 1: It can just get out of hand. There are some 404 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:04,040 Speaker 1: exceptions and distinctions, as with everything in life, and one 405 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,640 Speaker 1: of my favorite things that I've learned about birth order 406 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: theory from researching it all these years is that middle 407 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:15,719 Speaker 1: child syndrome in particular, actually becomes less pronounced the bigger 408 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:19,800 Speaker 1: the age gap is between siblings because they have time 409 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: to really develop and solidify their own unique identity. It's not, 410 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,399 Speaker 1: you know, superseded by that of their eldest sibling or 411 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,600 Speaker 1: younger siblings. So say, for example, you have an age 412 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,479 Speaker 1: gap of five years compared to one year, so you know, 413 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:40,720 Speaker 1: like the kids are seven and twelve and seventeen, or 414 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:44,880 Speaker 1: seven and eleven and fifteen or whatever it is, that 415 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,480 Speaker 1: is preferable to kids that are like one, three and 416 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,680 Speaker 1: four or something like that, because they're at different developmental periods, 417 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,919 Speaker 1: so the parents can do different activities with them. They 418 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:59,560 Speaker 1: don't have their hands as full, and that really seems 419 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 1: to a deviate the middle child syndrome that we're speaking 420 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:06,640 Speaker 1: about here. Also gender plays a role because you can 421 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:10,080 Speaker 1: be the middle child but also the eldest daughter. You know, 422 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,520 Speaker 1: even if you're not the eldest child, you may be 423 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,720 Speaker 1: the oldest daughter as the middle child, and you still 424 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: may be forced to take on the maturity the daughters 425 00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 1: are expected to and the responsibility, and you may feel 426 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:25,080 Speaker 1: like you need to almost be a parent for your 427 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,960 Speaker 1: older sibling, your older brother, even though you're younger. So 428 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:32,919 Speaker 1: there is these interactions. They definitely need more research on this. 429 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 1: I don't think I've even come across a study about this, 430 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:41,959 Speaker 1: maybe because I think being an eldest daughter perhaps supersedes 431 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,439 Speaker 1: being a middle child. But they would definitely interact in 432 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,879 Speaker 1: terms of the double burden of not only needing to 433 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:54,760 Speaker 1: be responsible for your male siblings and for your younger siblings, 434 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 1: but then also expecting to be that extra bit cooperative 435 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,840 Speaker 1: and perhaps being that extra bit ignored by the family. 436 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:07,840 Speaker 1: So just something to think of. Regardless, we can I 437 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 1: think we can see and we can claim that there 438 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:13,879 Speaker 1: is a shared experience within middle children. There is things 439 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:17,520 Speaker 1: that are very very similar, that are common that people 440 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 1: could relate to one another about. What I want to 441 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:26,119 Speaker 1: answer next is what happens with this experience when we're adults. 442 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 1: How does this kind of follow us through our adult 443 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,360 Speaker 1: lives even when we're not a child anymore, even when 444 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 1: we're not around our siblings all the time, Even when 445 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,520 Speaker 1: this middle child syndrome is not being enforced and is 446 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:45,520 Speaker 1: not actively being placed upon us, it still impacts our personality. 447 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,360 Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about that and also how 448 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,119 Speaker 1: to make sense of some of these experiences, how to 449 00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:53,159 Speaker 1: maybe even let go of some of the resentment to 450 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:57,359 Speaker 1: do with middle child syndrome after this short break, so 451 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:05,239 Speaker 1: stay with us. One of the principles behind ideas like 452 00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:10,399 Speaker 1: reparenting in a child healing, age regression therapy, any number 453 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,840 Speaker 1: of those methods, is that the experiences you have as 454 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:18,960 Speaker 1: a child are reflected in your adult personality. People you know, 455 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,280 Speaker 1: of course, we changed over the course of our lives 456 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,960 Speaker 1: based on relationships, based on place, based on experiences context. 457 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: But the roles that we adopt as children, be that gender, roles, 458 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,280 Speaker 1: social roles or family roles, they tend to really leave 459 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,680 Speaker 1: a mark. Think about how when you were a child, 460 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,159 Speaker 1: you were taught to be polite, you were taught to 461 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,879 Speaker 1: respect your elders, to not you know, I don't know, 462 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,320 Speaker 1: cut in line. It feels very unnatural to go against 463 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:50,639 Speaker 1: that right. It carries with us. The same goes for 464 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 1: how we have been conditioned to act in the family 465 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,119 Speaker 1: and then outside of the family. In the case of 466 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,480 Speaker 1: birth order or being the middle child, if you constantly 467 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,440 Speaker 1: had to take on the role of a mediator peacemaker, 468 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,240 Speaker 1: you were the cooperative one, and you took on that 469 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:09,760 Speaker 1: role with your siblings and with your family as you 470 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 1: grow up. This can be transferred to other relationships, into 471 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,920 Speaker 1: your friendships, into your role in the workplace, who you date, 472 00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:21,760 Speaker 1: how you relate to them. You might find it really 473 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:25,520 Speaker 1: hard to shake this deep sense that you can make 474 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:29,120 Speaker 1: everyone get along the way that you always did with 475 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,879 Speaker 1: your sisters, or your brothers, or your parents. Even you know. 476 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 1: I have one friend who's a middle child who was 477 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,600 Speaker 1: like you know, when I met my partner and in 478 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:41,160 Speaker 1: earlier relationships, I really had to learn that I did 479 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,720 Speaker 1: not have to manage the conflict. I was not responsible 480 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 1: for always having a timeline for the conflict, for finding 481 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 1: a solution. I didn't have to keep harmony between us 482 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:56,760 Speaker 1: or even between him and his siblings. You know, a 483 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 1: middle children may have that natural conflict aversion like you know, 484 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: I can't deal with these heartened emotions. I'm just gonna 485 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:04,680 Speaker 1: let's just move on. I don't want to deal with this. 486 00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna pull back, keep silent in these circumstances. 487 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:11,240 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna blend in. In another way, adult middle 488 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 1: children are often really great at negotiating the really able 489 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: to bring about consensus without kind of being pulled into 490 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 1: the flurry of emotions because they are so agreeable by nature. 491 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,680 Speaker 1: You know what I would love to do a PhD 492 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,280 Speaker 1: on if I ever get the chance. And I've said 493 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,920 Speaker 1: this for a long time, I would love to see 494 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:32,480 Speaker 1: if you could find like a correlation between birth order 495 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: and the careers that people choose, like whether they are 496 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:42,160 Speaker 1: analytical careers or creative careers, what kind of skills are required, 497 00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: and like chart our tendency towards certain categories of careers 498 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,480 Speaker 1: or professions based on like youngest middle eldest kids. I 499 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:54,760 Speaker 1: get a bunch of families with I don't know, three four, 500 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 1: five siblings and be like where did you end up? 501 00:29:57,120 --> 00:30:00,600 Speaker 1: What are you doing? And is there like similar can 502 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,040 Speaker 1: we find a pattern? Like it would be so fascinating 503 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: because if we were like to take the profile laid 504 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,760 Speaker 1: out of the middle child, like the stereotypical middle child, 505 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:15,640 Speaker 1: and disregard any of the nuances, what would they be? 506 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,280 Speaker 1: And I feel like they'd be great at HR. They'd 507 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:20,960 Speaker 1: be a great social worker or a teacher. They'd be 508 00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: great in PR public relations even like customer service, or 509 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,360 Speaker 1: a journalist. The journalists one in particular, I think would 510 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:31,840 Speaker 1: be good because they can be very diplomatic and independent 511 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 1: and maybe like not stand out if you're doing like 512 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,680 Speaker 1: a big scandalous story on like corruption, you can be 513 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 1: a little bit secretive, like we said before, a little 514 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:43,840 Speaker 1: bit sly. Definitely going off track here, but you know, 515 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,440 Speaker 1: if the eldest are quite dominant, the youngest is a 516 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:49,160 Speaker 1: bit of tension seeking and charismatic, and the middle child 517 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 1: is cooperative and is a little bit like sneaky, where 518 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,400 Speaker 1: does that kind of lead them in terms of their career? 519 00:30:57,080 --> 00:31:00,320 Speaker 1: Obviously it's probably unlikely a that I'm ever to do 520 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,280 Speaker 1: that study, but be that if I were to do 521 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:05,960 Speaker 1: that study, I would find anything concrete because with something 522 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 1: like Korea personality, of which personality is only mildly informed 523 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:15,600 Speaker 1: by birth order, Like that's only a small contribution. You 524 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 1: have so many other things. But that's like the thing 525 00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: with psychology, right, even if you can't have one answer, 526 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,240 Speaker 1: it can give you a clue, it can give you hints. 527 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: And so although other factors like finances like even gender roles, 528 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 1: or your values, or your dreams and your hobbies, that 529 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: is also going to contribute to a career choice, much 530 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 1: like personality, I would just find it really fascinating, Like 531 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:46,440 Speaker 1: if we could just find something like research for research sake. 532 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 1: Moving on though, One thing that adult middle children do 533 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:54,880 Speaker 1: speak about a lot though, is growing into an adult 534 00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:59,080 Speaker 1: and finally realizing how overlooked they may have been as 535 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:05,320 Speaker 1: a child, especially in a dysfunctional family dynamic. In those 536 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 1: dynamics when everybody is absolutely focused on themselves, it is chaotic, 537 00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:16,600 Speaker 1: it is confusing, it is wild, it is unmanageable. Maybe 538 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,680 Speaker 1: it's a little bit toxic. Someone always has to lose 539 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:23,960 Speaker 1: out And because the middle child made less of a fuss, 540 00:32:24,680 --> 00:32:29,000 Speaker 1: maybe it was always you. The resentment over those experiences 541 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: can definitely grow over time. Even if you're like, oh, no, 542 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,800 Speaker 1: you know, there was never a problem. Maybe you turn 543 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,680 Speaker 1: twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, maybe you start considering 544 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:40,920 Speaker 1: how you would raise your own kids, and you were like, 545 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: I don't think I would want them to feel the 546 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 1: way that I did. I wouldn't want my child to 547 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,880 Speaker 1: feel like no one paid attention to them. I don't 548 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,040 Speaker 1: want them to feel like they have to make adjustments 549 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 1: for everyone else. Those moments can really push you into 550 00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:02,240 Speaker 1: a place of introspection and anger. That's a big one. 551 00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:07,480 Speaker 1: Anger that comes up years later is not uncommon. There 552 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: can also be resentment, you know, not just towards your parents, 553 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,280 Speaker 1: your parents are normally going to be the first ones 554 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:19,480 Speaker 1: to get that, but also your siblings, Like why why 555 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:21,880 Speaker 1: did you why were you treated like you were special? 556 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,200 Speaker 1: Why were you the golden child? Why why couldn't I 557 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,000 Speaker 1: have been the golden child? Why did I just have 558 00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:31,240 Speaker 1: to blend in? Why did you guys get to stand out? 559 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,440 Speaker 1: Why did you guys get spoiled? Why did you guys 560 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,880 Speaker 1: get to have more of a say as much as children? 561 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:41,440 Speaker 1: I guess do ever say, that's the really interesting anger? 562 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:46,440 Speaker 1: And I would also say grief and sadness. Sometimes that 563 00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 1: comes with being aware of how your past and your 564 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: childhood and the role you played has shaped who you 565 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:56,120 Speaker 1: are as an adult and has maybe left a bit 566 00:33:56,120 --> 00:34:00,960 Speaker 1: of an emotional mark on your personality. I think this 567 00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,040 Speaker 1: is something that we do just need to come to 568 00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:06,360 Speaker 1: terms with. There's no changing it, and hopefully we can 569 00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: release that bitterness for yourself. You know, that's something that 570 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:14,280 Speaker 1: you have to carry. You might feel bitter angry towards 571 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,239 Speaker 1: someone else, but they're not carrying that feeling. You are. 572 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 1: It becomes your burden. As much as you might feel 573 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,920 Speaker 1: that your parents or your siblings deserve to feel guilty 574 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:28,799 Speaker 1: or bad or do you deserve recognition, Inevitably that's going 575 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:32,040 Speaker 1: to take up space, more space in your mind than 576 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:36,120 Speaker 1: in their mind, and it can also lead to some 577 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,719 Speaker 1: pretty heavy thoughts, you know, thinking, you know, why wasn't 578 00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,520 Speaker 1: I given more space in the family? Thinking? Is it 579 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:45,120 Speaker 1: because I'm unlovable? It's because I'm boring, It's because of 580 00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,840 Speaker 1: who I am? Thinking, you know, is it because my 581 00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:50,879 Speaker 1: parents didn't love me as much? Now? That is what 582 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:55,640 Speaker 1: resentment loves to do. Resentment takes any thought you have 583 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,960 Speaker 1: and bundles it in with all the confusion and sometimes 584 00:35:00,080 --> 00:35:02,560 Speaker 1: the hurt and the anger, and it just makes it 585 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,319 Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger, especially when you don't call 586 00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,439 Speaker 1: out those those thoughts, especially when you don't think about 587 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,600 Speaker 1: what another explanation could be, and maybe there isn't one. 588 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:14,640 Speaker 1: We're going to get to that in a second. What 589 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:18,160 Speaker 1: I needed to remember is three things. Three things. If 590 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,880 Speaker 1: you're feeling this type of way about who you are 591 00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:25,839 Speaker 1: as a middle child, you are allowed to feel frustrated 592 00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:30,799 Speaker 1: by the differential treatment between you and your siblings. That 593 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,239 Speaker 1: is okay, That is normal. To feel upset about it, 594 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:40,160 Speaker 1: to feel maybe even jealous. You can feel sad for 595 00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,880 Speaker 1: the experiences that you didn't feel like you got to 596 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:46,040 Speaker 1: have because that was your childhood too. Those were your 597 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:51,040 Speaker 1: opportunities as well. However, that cannot dictate the rest of 598 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:56,040 Speaker 1: your life story. Secondly, if it's any consolation, I think 599 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,880 Speaker 1: middle children honestly rock like they are normally some of 600 00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:03,120 Speaker 1: the best people I've ever met. You have some of 601 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 1: the best traits you know. Compared to eldest children and 602 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:13,400 Speaker 1: youngest children, I will say the middle child has fewer 603 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:19,200 Speaker 1: negative traits and fewer idiosyncrasies than most so if it's 604 00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 1: any consolation, and it doesn't have to be, I do 605 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,960 Speaker 1: think that you're probably pretty remarkable and you do get 606 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,879 Speaker 1: a good deal in terms of how other people see 607 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 1: you and how easy it is to get along with you, 608 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:35,320 Speaker 1: and how fun you typically are and sociable. Finally, this 609 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:39,880 Speaker 1: final reminder, birth order is not everything. There is not 610 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:45,319 Speaker 1: one thing that defines someone fully, and family position is 611 00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:48,680 Speaker 1: not deterministic. It is not a magic ball. It certainly 612 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:52,920 Speaker 1: is not something that will solely define you for all 613 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:56,160 Speaker 1: of the years to come. You can heal the parts 614 00:36:56,160 --> 00:37:00,440 Speaker 1: of you that you feel you don't like because of 615 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,120 Speaker 1: where you are in the family, and you can also 616 00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:06,319 Speaker 1: heal the parts of you that were resentful by engaging 617 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:11,920 Speaker 1: in some reparenting reparenting yourself. So reparenting we mentioned it 618 00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 1: at the top of this section. It is a therapeutic 619 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:20,719 Speaker 1: approach that involves nurturing and healing ourselves and our childhood 620 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:25,680 Speaker 1: selves by providing the care, the validation, the support, and 621 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:29,280 Speaker 1: the attention that you may have felt was lacking in childhood. 622 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,440 Speaker 1: So for middle children who often feel very overlooked or 623 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:37,960 Speaker 1: caught up in family dynamics, reparenting is particularly powerful and 624 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,840 Speaker 1: it's particularly powerful when you provide yourself with the attention 625 00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:45,000 Speaker 1: like I said before, that you maybe didn't receive, or 626 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,080 Speaker 1: when you allow yourself to be in control and to 627 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:50,400 Speaker 1: call the shots, and you don't always have to be 628 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:52,440 Speaker 1: the cooperative one. You don't always have to be the 629 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:56,359 Speaker 1: one who says yes. You know, in terms of how 630 00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:00,279 Speaker 1: we do that, how we enact reparenting, make a big 631 00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:03,319 Speaker 1: deal of yourself, Make a big deal of your achievements. 632 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:06,799 Speaker 1: Be loud in like celebrating who you are and what 633 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:09,480 Speaker 1: you've achieved, and what you're doing in a way that 634 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,239 Speaker 1: perhaps you didn't as a child. You know, have the 635 00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:15,280 Speaker 1: big birthday parties if that's what you want. Just literally 636 00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:18,239 Speaker 1: speak out loud to yourself, Wow, I'm so proud of 637 00:38:18,239 --> 00:38:20,480 Speaker 1: what I'm doing. What I'm doing right now is a 638 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 1: big deal. I am making an impact that is visible. 639 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:27,360 Speaker 1: I'm impressive. Remember, you are the parent now, so what 640 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,000 Speaker 1: you always wanted to hear as a middle child but 641 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:32,359 Speaker 1: that you didn't receive, is now something that you can 642 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:37,279 Speaker 1: provide yourself. Another way to reparent yourself as the middle 643 00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:40,400 Speaker 1: child is to not always be the one in the middle. 644 00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:44,759 Speaker 1: Consciously make the decision to be the one on the outside, 645 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,879 Speaker 1: not be the one who has to mediate If your 646 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:52,280 Speaker 1: siblings are fighting, or your roommates, or your parents, or 647 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:56,280 Speaker 1: your parents and your siblings, whoever it is, you don't 648 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,839 Speaker 1: have to fix it. Even if every fiber in your 649 00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:02,279 Speaker 1: body is screaming to get involved. You don't have to 650 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,200 Speaker 1: allow any of that to take up mental real estate. 651 00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:07,279 Speaker 1: You don't have to think about what the best thing 652 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:10,400 Speaker 1: is to say to make both people happy. Just let 653 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:15,080 Speaker 1: people be messy, let them have their problems. That also 654 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:17,640 Speaker 1: involves having strong boundaries. If there is a pattern of, 655 00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:19,840 Speaker 1: like two of your siblings or two people you know, 656 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:24,520 Speaker 1: continuously fighting and continuously getting you involved, just you really 657 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:27,200 Speaker 1: at some point to say, I'm sorry, that's not my 658 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,520 Speaker 1: job anymore to mediate your conflicts. That is not my job. 659 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,120 Speaker 1: That is not all I'm worth. You guys can stay 660 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,600 Speaker 1: angry at each other because you chose to be angry 661 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,640 Speaker 1: at each other, not because I didn't help, not because 662 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:41,120 Speaker 1: I wasn't there. This is your choice, these your actions. 663 00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 1: This isn't not me. I think that's a hard one 664 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,000 Speaker 1: to learn, especially when you do have that instinct to 665 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:50,000 Speaker 1: tend to want to fix things and resolve the conflict. 666 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:54,239 Speaker 1: But you're prioritizing yourself. Now, that's the whole deal, that's 667 00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:56,400 Speaker 1: the whole goal. That's what we're that's what we're after. 668 00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:01,960 Speaker 1: Prioritizing yourself even when you feel selfish. One final beautiful 669 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:05,200 Speaker 1: way to reparent is to focus on what makes you 670 00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:08,759 Speaker 1: special in the family and also in your life. You know, 671 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,440 Speaker 1: look at each member, at each member of your family, 672 00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:16,839 Speaker 1: notice how they're different, why they're different, their strengths, their weaknesses, 673 00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:20,360 Speaker 1: and do the same for yourself. You have an identity 674 00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:24,000 Speaker 1: in the family. You are probably the best add a 675 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,480 Speaker 1: lot of things, and you do deserve praise, and you 676 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,560 Speaker 1: do deserve appreciation and attention for all of that, and 677 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:32,040 Speaker 1: you deserve to take up space in your family and 678 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:33,840 Speaker 1: to say this is what I want and I'm proud 679 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:37,040 Speaker 1: of myself and I'm doing great things. And you can 680 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:39,920 Speaker 1: definitely bring that up with your family. Bring it up. 681 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:42,400 Speaker 1: Be like, I really want to be appreciated more. I 682 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:44,719 Speaker 1: want you guys to see what I'm doing. I don't 683 00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:47,080 Speaker 1: want to be the one who always has to cooperate. 684 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,840 Speaker 1: I don't want to be the one in the middle. 685 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:51,879 Speaker 1: You can also choose not to do that. I think 686 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 1: that is totally up to you. If you think the 687 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,239 Speaker 1: response from your parents or from your siblings is not 688 00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:58,920 Speaker 1: going to be a positive one. Whatever is going to 689 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,480 Speaker 1: be best for you? Because I think that often the 690 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,960 Speaker 1: middle child is always forced to accommodate what's going to 691 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,560 Speaker 1: be best for others. We want to flip that script. 692 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:10,879 Speaker 1: What is best for you now? As an adult, as 693 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:13,400 Speaker 1: someone who is independent and free. What are you going 694 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:15,680 Speaker 1: to keep doing to make sure that you get what 695 00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:18,080 Speaker 1: you need from your life. You get to have a say, 696 00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:20,200 Speaker 1: You get to do what you want to do. You 697 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,080 Speaker 1: don't have to be the mediator. You get to be 698 00:41:22,680 --> 00:41:25,399 Speaker 1: as social, as introverted, as whatever it is that you want. 699 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,319 Speaker 1: How are you gonna make that happen? I really do 700 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:31,960 Speaker 1: have a lot of love for my middle children. I 701 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:35,399 Speaker 1: think that they're pretty amazing. As an eldest daughter, I'm 702 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:39,120 Speaker 1: always trying to impress my middle sister, Like I'm always 703 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:41,360 Speaker 1: trying to be like, hey, do you like me? You 704 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:43,200 Speaker 1: know now that we're a little bit older, Like do 705 00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:45,120 Speaker 1: you think do you think I still think I'm cool? 706 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:47,560 Speaker 1: And she's just so laid back, and I'm like, fuck, 707 00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:50,600 Speaker 1: I'm really jealous. I'm really jealous of that. So get 708 00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:52,040 Speaker 1: a lot to be grateful for a lot to be 709 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,319 Speaker 1: grateful for. Sorry, so I really hope that you learned 710 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:57,279 Speaker 1: something from this episode. Thank you for being patient with me. 711 00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,640 Speaker 1: I know a lot of you have requested it over 712 00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,279 Speaker 1: the last and here you go. Hopefully it's everything that 713 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:06,080 Speaker 1: you wanted from it. Hopefully there was some cool facts 714 00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:08,200 Speaker 1: that you can take away into conversations and say, hey, 715 00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:10,640 Speaker 1: maybe I'm the way I am because of this, and 716 00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:13,360 Speaker 1: this is the study that tells me that, and whatever 717 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,080 Speaker 1: whatever it is. So thank you for listening. Make sure 718 00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,640 Speaker 1: that if you haven't already, you leave a five star 719 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:23,719 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, whereever you were listening. Make 720 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:25,839 Speaker 1: sure that you are following along, and if you want 721 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,920 Speaker 1: to pre order my book, the link will be in 722 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,799 Speaker 1: the description of this episode. Thank you to all of 723 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,800 Speaker 1: those of you who have already done so. It really 724 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,839 Speaker 1: made my week to see you all getting behind it. 725 00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:40,799 Speaker 1: If you have episode suggestions, we also love to hear them. 726 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:44,360 Speaker 1: This was an episode suggestion, so I do love hearing 727 00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:47,319 Speaker 1: from you about topics that we haven't yet covered. You 728 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:50,480 Speaker 1: can DM me at that psychology podcast and also follow 729 00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:54,440 Speaker 1: us over there. And until next time, be kind, stay safe, 730 00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,680 Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself, and We will talk very very soon.