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Speaker 1: Dear blug.

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Speaker 2: So I consider myself a fairly open human. I'm kind

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Speaker 2: of an oversharer, and so I don't have a lot

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Speaker 2: of secrets, right, not a lot of secrets with this one.

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Speaker 2: And sometimes I wish I could hold more water and

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Speaker 2: you know, be secretive and mysterious, but I'm just not.

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Speaker 2: But there is something that I did in my past

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Speaker 2: while I was in college that has haunted me.

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Speaker 1: Ever since, and it's what do you do?

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Speaker 2: It's something and I know it's not I might be

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Speaker 2: building it up to where it seems like it's not

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Speaker 2: that big of a deal to you guys, or maybe

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Speaker 2: it will, but it's something that's really bothered me.

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Speaker 1: I never owned up for it for how long? Noo,

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Speaker 1: twenty years since I was eighteen, so.

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Speaker 3: Not twenty almost twenty years.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm thirty three, so fifteen years a while.

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Speaker 2: But like, if you're close to me, you know I've

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Speaker 2: talked about it because I'm like, I've always planned on

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Speaker 2: coming clean about it, but I don't know how What

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Speaker 2: did you do? Okay, So when I was a freshman

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Speaker 2: in college, I was stupid and I was drunk, and

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Speaker 2: I somehow pretty sure I broke my roommate's computer. Okay,

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Speaker 2: I the screen, so it like still worked, but I

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Speaker 2: think I cracked the screen and I don't remember if

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Speaker 2: I like dropped something on it or whatever. And at

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Speaker 2: the time, I panicked because I was like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 2: like I'm a dumb college kid. I don't have enough

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Speaker 2: money to fix this. Like I was panicking. I'm like,

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Speaker 2: my parents are going to kill me, like my like

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Speaker 2: full disclosure, they were going through something at home, and

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Speaker 2: so it was just like I was just like, oh

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Speaker 2: my god, I can't I can't do this. So I

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Speaker 2: lied and said I didn't know how it happened.

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Speaker 1: It's and it has eaten me alive my entire life.

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Speaker 1: Sent them. And recently I had dinner because I was roommates.

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Speaker 2: She was my friend, she still has my friend, and

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Speaker 2: we had dinner and we had were having some drinks

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Speaker 2: and I always plan like, okay, like maybe she'll be

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Speaker 2: a little drunk.

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Speaker 1: When I tell her, maybe she'll be you know.

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Speaker 2: I always fantasized about coming clean about this because I

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Speaker 2: felt so bad and it was fine. Her parents like

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Speaker 2: paid to get a fixed and it was fine and

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Speaker 2: they had the money to do so, but it was

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Speaker 2: still really wrong.

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Speaker 1: And it ate me alive and it's not good to do.

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Speaker 2: So I come clean and I like fantasized about this

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Speaker 2: moment for years, and she goes, I don't even remember that.

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, like I have been thinking about this

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Speaker 2: every day since it happened, and I'm so sorry and

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Speaker 2: I'm a mad person. She's like, I truly don't remember

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Speaker 2: that happening, but like, thanks for saying that, and it

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Speaker 2: just it wasn't what I envisioned.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that sounds like me. I have to stop myself

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Speaker 4: from doing it. I've done it recently. I think I've

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Speaker 4: done it in this room where I'm like, I'm really

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Speaker 4: sorry that I did this, and it was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: now that you pointed it out that, oh, I guess

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Speaker 4: I can see why you why you would apology, but

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Speaker 4: I didn't even think of it that way. So I

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Speaker 4: called myself out. It's like, well, I'm sorry I said

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Speaker 4: that that way, and it's like, oh, and the person

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Speaker 4: one hundred percent of the time, the person's like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I didn't even think of it that way, but oh,

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Speaker 4: thanks for the apology. Then like no, wait a minute,

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Speaker 4: well wait a minute, why no, no, if you.

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Speaker 3: Didn't think of it. Then it doesn't.

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Speaker 1: It didn't happen, and then I felt so goofy. I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I do not even bring this up, but like literally

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Speaker 1: I thought about it every day since it happened.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, you're a bad person, Like you shouldn't have

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Speaker 2: done that, and you lied, but it been.

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Speaker 5: Something to you, So I think, like that's all that

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Speaker 5: matters that I think you overcame, like the fear of

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Speaker 5: saying something and you said, like that stands for something.

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Speaker 5: It doesn't matter how maybe the other person didn't care.

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Speaker 5: I feel like every friendship, relationship, whatever, you've probably done

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Speaker 5: things that you thought were unsavor that the other person

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Speaker 5: doesn't care about or forgot about.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, what I mean Like I could cry right now,

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Speaker 2: Like I feel free.

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Speaker 3: It was worth it exactly.

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Speaker 1: That is like my deep dark secret.

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Speaker 2: And I know I realized it's not a lot to

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Speaker 2: other people, but it's something that I've really lived with

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Speaker 2: being like you're not a good person.

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Speaker 4: Well you know, I was on the mel Robin's algorithm

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Speaker 4: for a minute. I did read and let them book.

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Speaker 1: Yes me too.

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Speaker 3: Did you finish it?

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Speaker 5: Almost you didn't read It's like twenty minutes left.

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Speaker 3: I'll get there and didn't read it. You listened to it,

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Speaker 3: which is totally different.

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Speaker 4: It's nice you can't say I read a book if

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Speaker 4: you listened to it.

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Speaker 3: I think it's two different things.

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Speaker 4: I don't know, but anyway, she said something about this,

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Speaker 4: and I'm paraphrasing, but this applies to this in much

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Speaker 4: more deeper issues. But if a grown up is upset

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Speaker 4: with you about something and they can't communicate to you

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Speaker 4: what they're upset about, then you don't have to feel

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Speaker 4: bad about it. Now, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't.

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Speaker 4: You can't like say I shouldn't maybe you know why

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Speaker 4: they're upset because you did a thing, and it doesn't

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Speaker 4: mean you can't reflect on that and say I shouldn't

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Speaker 4: do that, I shouldn't do it again. It doesn't mean

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Speaker 4: maybe you shouldn't apologize. But if you're unsure why another

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Speaker 4: adult is mad at you, so like, let's say you know,

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Speaker 4: you don't know if this person was harboring any resentment

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Speaker 4: for breaking their computer fifteen years ago, and if they haven't,

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Speaker 4: if they're not acting any kind of way towards you,

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Speaker 4: and they haven't communicated that towards you, it's very nice

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Speaker 4: that you apologize, but it's very well possible they don't

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Speaker 4: even know what you're talking about.

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Speaker 3: And in this case, they.

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Speaker 2: Don't like I should up in her wedding, like I

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Speaker 2: was a fraud standing up there.

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Speaker 4: You brought her computer, you were, And it's not even

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Speaker 4: that your apology, is it. It's not even that you

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Speaker 4: shouldn't apologize. It's that like you carried that for that

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Speaker 4: long and it turns out that person didn't care. So

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Speaker 4: I guess what I'm saying is it really was a

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Speaker 4: waste of your energy to carry that. So like as

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Speaker 4: a person who overthinks and has anxiety, and you know

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Speaker 4: who thinks everybody hates them all the time, and I

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Speaker 4: think people, I actually think people take advantage of that.

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Speaker 4: I think people know that I'll beat myself up, so

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Speaker 4: they punish me that way. But if you don't tell

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Speaker 4: me why you're angry at me as a grown up,

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Speaker 4: and I'm not sure how can I feel I can

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Speaker 4: beat myself up indefinitely about it, or I can say,

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Speaker 4: you know what, when you're ready to actually communicate what

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Speaker 4: your issue is, so I can apologize, or I can

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Speaker 4: rectify whatever the thing is.

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Speaker 1: Otherwise it's not fair.

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Speaker 4: We all know the thing where we've called the person

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Speaker 4: and gone, oh my god, I'm so sorry I did

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Speaker 4: this thing and they're.

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Speaker 3: Like, you did right, I didn't even know you did that.

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Speaker 4: You're like, ah, I mean I didn't you know. So

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Speaker 4: in this case, it's just a you know, a much

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Speaker 4: more minor example of like, you held onto that for

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Speaker 4: so long and this person did not care.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe she did at the time, but yeah, it

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Speaker 2: was she was like girl past the bread.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god.

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Speaker 2: I thought we'd embrace, and she'd be like, I've been wondering,

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Speaker 2: I think the thing where we beat ourselves up for

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Speaker 2: something and it turns out that the thing that we

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Speaker 2: thought isn't even the thing.

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Speaker 4: Oh oh, but I kind of agree with that. It's

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Speaker 4: it's not to say that if you do something bad

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Speaker 4: that you're not accountable for it, but like if you're not,

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Speaker 4: if someone's not talking to you, you don't know why and

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Speaker 4: they won't talk about it, it's like that's kind of

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Speaker 4: on you then.

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Speaker 1: Right, we have to be able to communicate.

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Speaker 4: How do you expect an apology from me if you

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Speaker 4: don't even tell me which thing it is I supposedly did.

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Speaker 1: That changed my life. That mentality. I did, like, my

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Speaker 1: husband is the king of that. He won't tell me

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Speaker 1: what the issue is. And I've just started just living

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Speaker 1: my life. And I said, okay, will you figure it out.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go for a walk.

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Speaker 2: I'm a runner now because you guys are wondering, I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna go for a run and get a coffee.

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Speaker 1: Live my life.

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Speaker 4: Well, there we go. She read a book but she's

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Speaker 4: listening to it. She's a runner, but she walks. Well,

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Speaker 4: I run, I ran a track star, I got a BB.

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Speaker 4: It's hard. It's hard to run. The BB's hard. I

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Speaker 4: actually I believe that it is the hardesting keep with

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Speaker 4: big big boobs running too.

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Speaker 3: I'll go with big boobs running yesterday.

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Speaker 4: And you know, obviously I noticed her right away, but

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Speaker 4: I actually thought I was like that, actually no, because

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Speaker 4: because you were walking, so no, you were this person

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Speaker 4: was actually running. But but like one mob was going

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Speaker 4: one way and the other was going to the other.

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Speaker 3: These were big boobs and it's like, I'm just going.

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Speaker 1: Guy could see his hand motion of the boobs going.

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Speaker 4: But I really, I actually really legitimately fell for this

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Speaker 4: person because I'm I'm fighting for my life out there. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: you know, six and forty pounds man like just trotting

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Speaker 4: around wanting to die right with a very good looking

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Speaker 4: fit black man going.

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Speaker 3: Run run once you want two one two.

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Speaker 4: He's like trying to get my cadence. And I'm like, dah,

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Speaker 4: but I seen this, and I'm like, that has to

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Speaker 4: be painful like that, that would really I'm surprised she

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Speaker 4: didn't like throw thrown to the side.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well she sounds like she needs a better

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Speaker 2: sports bar. But yeah, if you don't know the pain

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Speaker 2: of running down the stairs with no bron or something,

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Speaker 2: you know, I'll never know that.

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Speaker 4: You'll never know exactly why that's I know, I get it, Yeah,

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Speaker 4: I get it. But I realized that your your situation

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Speaker 4: was not all that deep. But I do think the

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Speaker 4: same rules apply, which is that I think we tend

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Speaker 4: to beat ourselves up for stuff. And it's like, hey,

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Speaker 4: if you want apology, if you want to make something right,

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Speaker 4: if there's a problem, then tell me what it is.

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Speaker 4: Otherwise I'm not good. I can't harbor on it. I can't,

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Speaker 4: I can't, I can't dwell on it because I don't

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Speaker 4: know what I'm Because that's the worst when you go

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Speaker 4: and apologize for a bunch of stuff, and it's like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I didn't know you did any of that. Oh no,

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Speaker 4: I wasn't even mad, or I was mad about something

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Speaker 4: totally different, and you're like, oh God, well great now

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Speaker 4: I'm a total peace. I'm even worse now than I

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Speaker 4: thought I was waiting by the phone. You've got to

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Speaker 4: hear this. Kicky doesn't remember doing it, even though you

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Speaker 4: didn't twenty five minutes ago.

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Speaker 3: But it's next friend show.