WEBVTT - 'Miss' Spelling (Part 1) 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:16.880 Misspelling with Tori Spelling and iHeartRadio podcast. Who it's public? 0:00:18.960 --> 0:00:21.000 I don't know what feels more like a punch in 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:23.759 the stomach that it's like out there and it's final, 0:00:23.960 --> 0:00:28.880 or that I have to call him right now. Oh shit, 0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:32.760 he's at work. He's at work, you guys, this sucks. 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:37.720 He it's tea. I know you're working. Can you call me. 0:00:37.760 --> 0:00:41.720 It's important. Everything's fine, the kids are fine, but call 0:00:41.800 --> 0:00:49.240 me please. Bye. Shit, he's going to read this online. 0:00:50.440 --> 0:00:58.639 So I just filed for divorce. Ooh, I gotta say 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:04.360 that again. Hear that for myself. I just filed for divorce. Whoa, 0:01:04.920 --> 0:01:08.520 I said the words that I've said, like in my 0:01:08.600 --> 0:01:20.400 head for like sixteen years wild fifteen it was Yeah. Anyway, 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:24.640 I just got word from my lawyer that it's public. 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:31.279 There's this weird thing that I didn't know about before 0:01:31.440 --> 0:01:35.319 that you have to be careful with your ex, like 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:38.520 it's he said, she said, who filed first? 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:41.560 So I. 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:47.600 Had to file and go through the process, and then 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:52.600 once it was accepted and publicly posted, then I'm allowed 0:01:52.600 --> 0:01:54.480 to like call and fill in my ex. So I 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:58.080 just called Dean. He's working and I have to tell 0:01:58.160 --> 0:02:01.080 him and I'm super nervous because I don't like confrontation. 0:02:02.440 --> 0:02:10.160 And yeah, I probably that stopped me from a really 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:15.359 long time wanting to do this and hurting him and 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:21.120 protecting him and protecting the kids and my daughter, My 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:26.519 daughter who's fifteen, is very much like you know, people 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:29.760 already talk about us at school, like they know you 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:32.720 and they know the family, and they read the press 0:02:35.040 --> 0:02:37.040 and now you're doing a podcast. And I was like, well, 0:02:37.919 --> 0:02:40.560 can't be worse than the shit they read out there, like, 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:42.799 oh my god, they read they think we live in 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:46.440 an RV. Like I was like Stella with a step up, 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:49.200 Like she literally had someone come up to her at 0:02:49.200 --> 0:02:52.760 school and be like, oh are you in the school 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:56.799 district or where does your RV parked? Like you live 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.800 in an RV with your mom? Right, She was like, 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:03.959 that was summer vacation. We rented that like every other 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:08.040 family and drove up the coast and camped and they 0:03:08.080 --> 0:03:12.000 were like, oh, we thought you were homeless. So she 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:15.040 was shamed, but she was like, imagine what it's going 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:17.360 to be like at school when you file for divorce. 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:20.960 I mean teens to know how to manipulate it. But 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:28.880 I was like, yeah, it's gonna suck, but yeah, anyway, 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:33.600 it's more the norm than isn't. So I was like, 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:39.520 you know, but your dad and I co parents. 0:03:37.680 --> 0:03:38.160 And. 0:03:40.320 --> 0:03:44.360 Anyway, I should go back to where this began, but 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:47.400 it began eighteen years ago, so it's hard to know 0:03:47.440 --> 0:03:52.440 where to go back when telling this story. So Deane 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:56.680 and I've been married eighteen years. We have five beautiful, 0:03:56.800 --> 0:04:04.520 amazing children together, Liam, Stella, Hattie, Finn, and Bo. They're seventeen, fifteen, twelve, eleven, 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:14.160 and seven and the lights of my life. And yeah, 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:16.040 so I used to have this thing. And this is 0:04:16.080 --> 0:04:21.280 nothing towards Dean. I just at some point I think 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:24.840 I I believed in like the fairy tale, like I 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:28.880 grew up. I mean, my father was the biggest produced 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:33.279 television producer, so I grew up knowing there's a beginning, middle, 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:39.960 and end, and the two main characters always start stop 0:04:40.360 --> 0:04:45.640 and there's a happy ending and an end credit. So 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:49.040 that's what I always assume would be. And you know, 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:51.880 I think when we're young. It's different now, but I 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:56.800 grew up in like the eighties and on TV in 0:04:56.839 --> 0:05:02.400 the nineties, and I feel like we then were conditioned 0:05:02.440 --> 0:05:07.279 to be like we want the prince, like the night whatever, 0:05:08.640 --> 0:05:11.960 someone in white on a horse coming in swooping us up. 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.520 We wanted the fairy tale. I even wanted the white 0:05:15.560 --> 0:05:19.200 picket fence. I still want that now, I just want 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:22.120 it black. But it's but I want to well, I 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:27.760 want of funds. But I yeah, I wanted the whole dream. 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:31.479 But my thing was always like, even from a young age, 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:35.760 I was like, oh, I want to be the perfect 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:43.240 wife and mom and housewife and cook. And I was 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:45.599 never taught how to clean, so that's not gonna happen. 0:05:45.640 --> 0:05:49.960 But uh, or cook but I taught myself. Or bake 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:52.600 but I taught myself. But okay, but cleaning I won't 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:57.480 do so anyway. But I wanted to be that woman. 0:05:57.520 --> 0:06:00.320 But then I was like, but I also want to 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:03.640 like run an empire. So that's a meeting of the mind. 0:06:03.800 --> 0:06:08.880 So I'm really stubborn and I'm really driven. And I 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:11.520 always say I'm a Philly, you can't break. I know 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:15.800 philly means I'm young, and I'm not young. But I 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:18.200 can still call myself a girl. I can still call 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:21.880 myself misspelling because I can do whatever I want to do. 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:26.880 Because we can redefine words the way they make sense 0:06:26.920 --> 0:06:30.200 to us and how we want to proceed with them. 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:35.440 So anyway, Diana and I had this fairy tale romance 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:39.479 even though we both were married when we met. Not 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:45.520 fairytale right there, like, but we had other partners that 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:51.440 we cheated on and then left and then we got 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:55.000 together and people were like, oh, I give it six months. 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:57.520 And we always say like, hey, it made it eighteen years. 0:06:57.560 --> 0:06:59.680 It shouldn't have made it eighteen years like it was. 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:03.040 And I think he would say the same thing. If 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:09.840 he and I had a real heart to heart. I think, yeah, 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:13.520 it would have been over a lot sooner. But I think, 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.720 you know, we started well. We had like pairings. We 0:07:17.760 --> 0:07:21.000 had two sets of kids, like we had Liam and 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:23.880 Stella fifteen months apart, and I think we had Liam 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:27.160 and Stella for a while and then I was like, oh, 0:07:27.280 --> 0:07:30.680 you know what, things were okay, but they weren't great. 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:34.320 And I have a friend who reminded me recently that 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:38.320 he said, do you remember what you've been telling me 0:07:38.400 --> 0:07:41.280 the whole time? And I said what, And you said, 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:44.480 I need the extra help with hands. When they are 0:07:44.560 --> 0:07:49.360 old enough to undo their own car seats, I'll leave him. 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:52.520 And I was like, what, When did I say that? 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:56.160 After Bo? And he's like no, After Liam and Stella, 0:07:56.840 --> 0:07:59.440 then you got pregnant with Hattie, and then ten months 0:07:59.520 --> 0:08:02.920 later you pregnant with Finn. And then you told me 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:07.440 when they can unbuckle and buckle their own car seat, 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:12.520 I'll leave him, and I didn't. And then came Bo. 0:08:12.800 --> 0:08:15.800 And then with Bo, I was like, oh when he no, 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:18.960 I just should have left after Bo. But if I 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:21.080 had left sooner, there'd be no Bo. And I love Bo. 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:26.000 How are the kids doing? They've been on the journey 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:29.160 with you, shall we call it, and now this is 0:08:29.200 --> 0:08:34.440 a whole new chapter that they're going to go with you, 0:08:35.440 --> 0:08:39.800 and I was wondering, how are they faring through what's 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:40.600 happened so far. 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:47.200 All the children have different personalities, different needs, and I 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:51.080 feel like with my kids, they all have very distinct personalities. 0:08:53.080 --> 0:08:56.000 Stella was always the one since she was four years old. 0:08:56.800 --> 0:09:00.720 If she would hear us argue and then like it 0:09:00.760 --> 0:09:03.120 wasn't loud and we try to keep it separate and 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:07.240 it wasn't bad back then, she would hysterically start crying 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:10.280 and she would run in and she'd say, their little voice, 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:13.040 are you going to get a divorce, and it's just 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:24.280 like hit me hard, like Hi, I'm okay, how are 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:28.320 you okay? I hate to do this to you while 0:09:28.320 --> 0:09:30.200 you're in the middle of you're going to work and 0:09:30.240 --> 0:09:38.840 everything they've done. It it's like one it's just the formality. 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:41.000 It's like a one sheet you check off and next 0:09:41.080 --> 0:09:47.600 you'll have to sign it. You have a lawyer. Wait, 0:09:47.640 --> 0:09:49.280 it's going to be spun. What way that I had 0:09:49.360 --> 0:09:55.360 enough of you? What? What do you mean? I mean, 0:09:56.320 --> 0:10:00.319 in all honesty, after this whole journey. I if it's 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:02.920 about that, like who files first, the other person's wrong 0:10:03.000 --> 0:10:05.600 if they I feel like I deserve to file first, 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:08.600 then well, I mean you basically put it all out 0:10:08.600 --> 0:10:11.040 there with daily mail, like you said, everything that you've 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:13.319 done to me over the years. So I think it 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:16.000 would make perfect sense that it's followed up that I 0:10:16.040 --> 0:10:19.920 would file because those are things I would never have 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:23.160 divulged to anybody, and you did, so I don't know. 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:27.040 I assume that'll come later. I don't. I think it's 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:30.839 just yeah, it's just like a one sheet where you 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:42.280 literally like check like divorce and like irreconcilable differences. Yeah, okay, 0:10:42.280 --> 0:10:50.600 I love you, Okay, y ugh, wait, that's it. Oh 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:59.000 my god, never felt more alone in a room full 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:05.120 of friends to a podcast. Fuck, I've never feel more 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:06.920 alone in fifty years. 0:11:09.000 --> 0:11:13.280 Sorry, you are not alone. 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:16.640 Oh my god, you guys sounding some movie. 0:11:18.640 --> 0:11:22.760 You are so loved by so many stop tryal s 0:11:22.920 --> 0:11:28.079 mushy stuff, same mean stuff. It fires me up. I 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:29.559 like to be treated nice. 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:32.360 He was like, great, good, great, Yeah, I have a lawyer. 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:34.560 I was gonna do this, but cool. Yeah, it saves 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:38.960 me five hundred dollars. Like, I don't feel worth loving. 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:47.520 That's the truth. Not something that's just in you. It's 0:11:47.559 --> 0:11:52.040 not something I wanted or created, or that starts when 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:52.520 you're young. 0:11:52.760 --> 0:11:56.160 You know, well, it's something you learn. 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:58.120 It's learned behavior. 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:03.720 Not feeling worth it it is, and now you have 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:08.640 to work on unlearning that and learning how to accept 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:09.480 being loved. 0:12:11.040 --> 0:12:28.599 That's not easy to do. It's like it's like the 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:32.600 first part of the show is like one story, and 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:35.440 then you come back from intermission you're like told it's 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:40.920 something completely different and you have to adjust. I don't 0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:43.040 know if I can. I don't know. I mean, I 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:45.240 know you can change at any point in your Lifely, yeah, 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:48.640 everyone always says that but like it's a harder task 0:12:49.320 --> 0:12:53.160 then we realize, especially if you don't believe it, Like 0:12:53.240 --> 0:12:54.720 people can tell you and tell you and tell you 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:58.760 and should should, should, But if you don't believe it 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:01.599 in your soul, in your core, Like, I don't know 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:02.640 how you change. 0:13:02.360 --> 0:13:04.960 That by doing what you just did? 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:10.320 What did I do? I have the short term memory 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:11.439 of a ant. 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:17.120 You're actually moving ahead now I'm with your divorce and 0:13:17.480 --> 0:13:19.320 it's a huge step. 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:21.680 I know I just played dumb, so I can help 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:24.920 you do the work and say it I'm not dumb. 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:30.040 That's been the hardest challenging thing in my life, having 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:38.760 to play dumb. It's just so crazy to have to 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:43.640 like fill that void of like it semi blends back 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:47.360 with Donna because it's like and now we can look 0:13:47.400 --> 0:13:50.040 back at Donna and be like Donna, Donna wasn't dumb, 0:13:50.520 --> 0:13:54.480 but she like played it she was. They would always say, 0:13:54.520 --> 0:13:57.200 and this is so like for anyone young listening, they'll 0:13:57.200 --> 0:13:59.200 be like, we don't know who that is. For anyone 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:01.760 my age and old or listening, you'll know who this is. 0:14:02.400 --> 0:14:05.000 But they'd be like, oh, you're still like your Judy Holiday, 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:11.640 which like was an iconic like movie star, like Black 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:14.960 and White film was literally like funny like she was 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:19.400 before Lucy. But she was like, you know, the pretty 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:23.480 ditsy blonde and that's like what you're conditioned to be, Like, 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:28.120 oh you're blonde, you're funny, you giggle like, oh you 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:34.600 play this role and they compartmentalize you in life. Yeah. 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:39.200 I was all like blonde hair, big eyes, giggles, like 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:47.600 funny timing, great body, show my stomach and scene and 0:14:47.640 --> 0:14:49.280 that's what I was carved down in life to be. 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:54.520 I screwed up. Like one time I was like I 0:14:54.560 --> 0:14:56.520 said something to someone. I was like, well, when you're 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:58.440 like conditioned your whole life to be viewed as a 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:02.280 sex symbol, my friend was like, ew, did you just 0:15:02.280 --> 0:15:04.360 call yourself a sex symbol? And I was like, oh 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:07.240 my god, and I got so shamed. I was like no, no, no, no, no, 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:08.760 I don't even like myself. 0:15:08.800 --> 0:15:09.120 What do you mean. 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.120 I would never like give myself a compliment like that. 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:13.760 And I was like I was taking myself out of it. 0:15:13.800 --> 0:15:17.200 I was saying how I was viewed, and he's like, 0:15:17.400 --> 0:15:19.200 but really, like were you view that way? I was 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:24.360 like maybe not. I mean I don't know. I think 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:29.080 I think on some level, like it was like young 0:15:29.160 --> 0:15:30.240 hop blonde, like. 0:15:30.640 --> 0:15:31.000 I don't know. 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:34.080 Well, here you are now, Oh. 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.320 We're talking about me playing dumb when I'm not dumb. 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:40.040 Well, I think we really are talking about you. And 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:43.720 now that you are deflecting, yeah, well you are deflecting. 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.640 But you also just filed for divorce from your husband 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:54.240 of eighteen or eighteen years, something you've been thinking about 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:56.640 for many, many years. 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:00.800 Right, And he always threatened, he would, oh, always threaten. 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:09.840 I get so scared. But I also hate change. That's 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:12.720 a lie. I grew up thinking I hate change, but 0:16:12.880 --> 0:16:16.040 like things change in my life day by day, and 0:16:16.120 --> 0:16:20.680 nice roll with it, like everything just happens. 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:25.960 I think you thrive on it. You thrive on the chaos. 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:29.560 I thrive on chaos. Everyone would say that's not a 0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:36.760 good thing. Now, yeah, it gives me energy, It gives me, 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:42.560 makes me feel like not dead inside. My lawyer says, 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:44.840 I just got a call from TMZ. I didn't speak 0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:48.000 to them, but they have the divorce. Violet, here goes 0:16:48.040 --> 0:16:51.800 the neighborhood. I've told I've told Deana, so it's not 0:16:51.880 --> 0:17:00.360 talking out of school. But we had this very quick 0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:07.080 passionate we had this very quick passionate falling in love period, 0:17:07.960 --> 0:17:10.480 which it was. Yeah, it was the honeymoon period that 0:17:10.520 --> 0:17:14.399 everyone talks about, but what is that six months ours 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:22.680 was four and it was intense, and I was like, wow, 0:17:22.760 --> 0:17:25.399 he sees me. I felt like my whole life I 0:17:25.520 --> 0:17:32.400 only showed people pieces of me because I was always 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:38.280 being told who I was and could be, even from birth, 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:44.680 like you know, born into a family where I had 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:53.359 to uphold a certain being and you know, my house, 0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:56.760 like I was like the way I was raised was 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:59.199 completely different than the way I raised my kids. And 0:17:59.240 --> 0:18:02.080 I'm not even talking esthetically. I'm not talking about the 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.040 fact that I grew up in a ten thousand square 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:07.639 foot house and then moved to a fifty six thousand 0:18:07.680 --> 0:18:14.000 square foot house irrelevant. I'm just kiddinking. I'm talking about 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:20.200 like it was never a conversation, like you were quiet, 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:23.360 and no one ever said this to me, No one 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:25.119 said like you can be seen and not heard. But 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:29.919 like it was that feeling that I got, like while 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:33.040 it was a family, it was a public family, and 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:37.560 you learned very quickly, like you know, four or five 0:18:37.640 --> 0:18:41.280 years old, I got it. I got it that all 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:45.440 eyes were on us and everyone was watching and listening 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:49.320 to how we behaved and how what we said and 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:55.440 how we represented this iconic Hollywood family. When I say week, 0:18:55.440 --> 0:19:00.879 because I have a brother who is an amazing podcast 0:19:01.400 --> 0:19:07.160 called Oldish with my bff Brian Austin Green and Sharna 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:14.360 on iHeart, and yeah, he was like less willing to conform. 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:17.960 I always was in the mindset like of representing your family. 0:19:19.359 --> 0:19:25.880 So yeah, I don't know I was. I just got 0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:28.080 it from an early age. I would I was fascinated 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.000 with the world summer vacation. I didn't want to hang 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:33.600 with my friends. I wanted to go to work with 0:19:33.640 --> 0:19:36.520 my dad. I would literally hide under his desk and 0:19:36.560 --> 0:19:40.760 take notes and like that was my world from jump, 0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:45.120 you know, I used to like walk around My mom 0:19:45.200 --> 0:19:51.040 had every script that my dad ever did, the initial 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:54.320 one because there were over what two hundred, like it 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:56.719 couldn't be every single one, but if it was a series, 0:19:56.760 --> 0:19:58.760 it was the pilot script. If it was a movie 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:03.800 of the movie, obviously leather Bound and in his office 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:08.960 wall to wall, and every Saturday, I would spin around 0:20:09.040 --> 0:20:12.720 like wonder Woman, and I'd be like wonder Woman and 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:15.600 I'd land on a script and I would pull that 0:20:15.640 --> 0:20:18.520 script out and I would read it. Obviously, this is 0:20:18.520 --> 0:20:23.000 when I could read, so it was like eight nine. 0:20:23.080 --> 0:20:25.920 And then I'd ask my dad if he could play 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:28.719 the male lead, and I obviously would play the female 0:20:28.800 --> 0:20:34.639 lead because I didn't think outside the box then, and 0:20:34.920 --> 0:20:38.480 we would read through it and I'd be like, I'm 0:20:38.480 --> 0:20:43.520 gonna make these one day and like make like not 0:20:43.600 --> 0:20:45.359 just like, oh, I'm gonna star in these. I'm like, 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:48.119 I'm gonna star, I'm gonna write, I'm gonna produce, I'm 0:20:48.160 --> 0:20:52.600 gonna direct, I'm gonna own this motherfucker's shit. What's a 0:20:52.600 --> 0:20:54.800 motherfucker shit? I don't know what that is, but I'm 0:20:54.800 --> 0:20:55.400 gonna own it. 0:20:57.080 --> 0:21:00.560 Well, you are your father's daughter. Yeah, the end of 0:21:00.600 --> 0:21:00.960 the day. 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:08.200 Anyway, we had this fast and furious romance. I saw 0:21:09.160 --> 0:21:14.320 red flags. Everyone talks about red flags, like I like 0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:16.800 saying that. I just like I like to make dresses 0:21:16.800 --> 0:21:21.720 out of red flags and then proceed. So, yeah, there 0:21:21.760 --> 0:21:24.600 were definitely red flags. And he had anger issues and 0:21:24.680 --> 0:21:27.159 that started when we were dating, like four months in 0:21:29.359 --> 0:21:31.919 and I just remember like I could show him me 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:36.960 and it wasn't like the cute like giggly like this 0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:39.840 is what people want me to be. I was able 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:44.280 to be like the loud and like the body type 0:21:44.280 --> 0:21:48.439 of like toy and like I could have like you know, 0:21:50.520 --> 0:21:52.280 I could have a foul mouth. I could I'm not 0:21:52.560 --> 0:21:55.639 you know, just Donna Martin like the perfect good girl, 0:21:55.800 --> 0:21:57.960 like I could have some bad girl in me, and 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:01.360 it was okay, and and he like all those sides, 0:22:01.600 --> 0:22:05.320 and he saw how smart I was and accepted me. 0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:10.200 And I said, from the beginning, it's gonna be a lot. 0:22:10.400 --> 0:22:16.720 It's I've been told it's an emasculating road. And he 0:22:16.840 --> 0:22:18.359 was like, I can handle it, and I was like, 0:22:18.440 --> 0:22:21.240 can you though, like it's not going to be easy, 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:25.719 Like I can't. I don't think he knew how big 0:22:26.200 --> 0:22:30.919 it would be, how how big the life I was 0:22:30.960 --> 0:22:40.760 given and live is. It's yeah. I think he was like, 0:22:40.840 --> 0:22:42.959 oh yeah, things come and go, But with me, it 0:22:43.000 --> 0:22:46.040 never came and went like it was. I from the 0:22:46.080 --> 0:22:48.160 moment we met, I was in the moment I was born. 0:22:48.200 --> 0:22:51.560 I was in the press, you know, and it hasn't 0:22:51.600 --> 0:22:53.879 there hasn't been a reprieve from it. So it's like 0:22:53.920 --> 0:22:56.120 you kind of have to be used to like jumping 0:22:56.160 --> 0:22:59.359 on board in that world and just getting through it 0:22:59.400 --> 0:23:03.080 and owning it, and I thought he was on board 0:23:03.119 --> 0:23:08.440 with that, but I was also all very focused on him, 0:23:08.760 --> 0:23:12.199 and I think a lot of parents out there can relate, 0:23:12.359 --> 0:23:17.040 like I noticed a shift in our relationship literally the 0:23:17.119 --> 0:23:20.639 day I found out I was pregnant, And the shift 0:23:20.760 --> 0:23:25.920 came from within, because all of a sudden, it wasn't. 0:23:26.680 --> 0:23:30.880 It was never about me, like I have kept myself 0:23:30.920 --> 0:23:35.000 small since I was young, to not outshine anyone in 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:38.119 my family, and then not outshine anyone in my cast, 0:23:38.240 --> 0:23:41.359 and then not shine outshine any boyfriend I had, or 0:23:41.440 --> 0:23:46.720 outshine any husband like so I would just self sabotage 0:23:46.760 --> 0:23:52.000 and keep myself small and wouldn't keep building myself up 0:23:52.359 --> 0:23:55.120 where I knew I could be, And anytime it would 0:23:55.160 --> 0:23:57.280 start to get big or real, I would find a 0:23:57.320 --> 0:24:00.800 way to plummet it and start back over again, like 0:24:00.840 --> 0:24:03.560 I'm doing now, but this time I'm not backing down. 0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:06.040 I'm just going all the way to the top. Well, 0:24:06.080 --> 0:24:12.040 you guys all heard that, right, hold me accountable. But yeah, 0:24:12.119 --> 0:24:15.960 as soon as it wasn't, you know all about him, 0:24:16.080 --> 0:24:19.679 And I don't think he intentionally did this. All the 0:24:19.720 --> 0:24:22.280 focus changed to the baby growing in my belly and 0:24:23.240 --> 0:24:27.840 instantly I changed, and I was like, Oh, this is 0:24:27.880 --> 0:24:34.480 what it's like to really take control and step up 0:24:34.600 --> 0:24:38.760 and be accountable for someone that you don't even know yet. 0:24:39.560 --> 0:24:42.399 And everything we came about Liam, who was in my belly, 0:24:42.440 --> 0:24:45.800 and you know, I was never the adventure girl, but 0:24:45.840 --> 0:24:48.600 when I met Dean, we made Oh my god, we 0:24:48.640 --> 0:24:51.240 made a list on the back of barf bags in 0:24:51.320 --> 0:24:54.439 the plane on the way back from Ottawa where we 0:24:54.440 --> 0:24:57.800 were filming the TV movie where we hooked up, coming 0:24:57.840 --> 0:25:03.880 back to our mary, you know, our spouses. We rode 0:25:03.920 --> 0:25:07.320 on barf bags what things we were going to do, 0:25:07.400 --> 0:25:09.919 like a bucket list in our relationship. And for me, 0:25:10.280 --> 0:25:13.200 it was like doing things that I was always scared 0:25:13.240 --> 0:25:15.040 and fearful, Like I got that from my dad. My 0:25:15.119 --> 0:25:18.159 dad was scared of everything, and I just took that 0:25:18.280 --> 0:25:21.040 on thinking they were my fears. And now I'm like, wait, 0:25:21.760 --> 0:25:25.399 someone else's fears, Like maybe it wasn't my fears, Like 0:25:26.720 --> 0:25:30.080 maybe I do want to jump out of airplane. Now I'm 0:25:30.080 --> 0:25:35.119 just kidding psych Uh, I don't know. But it was 0:25:35.160 --> 0:25:38.040 things like that, like we're gonna go here, We're gonna 0:25:39.240 --> 0:25:43.480 I think I said, I'd like ride a marathon. I 0:25:43.480 --> 0:25:45.959 don't even know how to ride a bike. But I 0:25:46.440 --> 0:25:49.480 the thing is, I tried, and I wanted something different 0:25:49.480 --> 0:25:52.520 and I wanted to please him. And then when I 0:25:52.560 --> 0:25:55.480 got pregnant, we got pregnant right away. So we got 0:25:55.520 --> 0:26:01.800 married in May, and we started trying right away. We 0:26:02.160 --> 0:26:08.280 didn't get pregnant right away, and my dad passed in June, 0:26:09.400 --> 0:26:13.760 and then days later, the beginning of July, found out 0:26:14.240 --> 0:26:18.520 I was pregnant. No, it was right like a month 0:26:18.560 --> 0:26:21.240 after my dad passed. Basically I conceived like right after 0:26:21.280 --> 0:26:27.320 my dad passed, and so I took that as like, oh, 0:26:27.440 --> 0:26:29.960 it's a sign, this is supposed to be and this 0:26:30.000 --> 0:26:34.360 is how it was planned to happen. But honestly, our 0:26:34.400 --> 0:26:37.760 relationship was never the same after we started having kids, 0:26:37.840 --> 0:26:43.160 like and we always said we won't be those parents 0:26:43.160 --> 0:26:46.680 that change. We'll make sure we make our relationship with 0:26:46.800 --> 0:26:50.960 priority and the two of us and we have date nights, 0:26:51.000 --> 0:26:54.920 and just everything went out the window. I became completely 0:26:54.960 --> 0:27:00.679 focused on the kids and kind of left him in 0:27:00.720 --> 0:27:03.159 a way. And I get it. It doesn't excuse his 0:27:03.240 --> 0:27:07.000 behavior and everything he did and how he handled things. 0:27:07.760 --> 0:27:12.800 And I'm not minimizing his part in this and how 0:27:12.840 --> 0:27:17.879 his lack of sobriety did affect me and the kids 0:27:17.880 --> 0:27:20.840 for years and years and years, and I'm really happy 0:27:20.880 --> 0:27:26.600 that he's sober now. But our relationship definitely changed, like 0:27:26.720 --> 0:27:30.359 to the point where I felt like I was just 0:27:30.400 --> 0:27:33.879 in this alone with the kids, like and he was 0:27:33.920 --> 0:27:38.840 there and he was an extra set of hands and 0:27:38.880 --> 0:27:41.640 he put the car seat in because I know how 0:27:41.680 --> 0:27:46.119 to do it, and you know, things like that. But emotionally, 0:27:46.359 --> 0:27:49.560