WEBVTT - 7 Tips to Interact with Toxic Family Members During The Holidays (Pre- Party Practice) 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:03.760 The children who need the most love often ask for 0:00:03.800 --> 0:00:07.520 it in the most unloving ways. What I find is 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:10.480 that people who usually stir up trouble or have this 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:14.800 toxic nature are often people who feel unloved or unheard 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:20.120 or unseen themselves. Usually their comments about other people are 0:00:20.120 --> 0:00:23.120 a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior, 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:33.360 or a way of feeling interesting. Hey everyone, welcome back 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:37.040 to On Purpose, the number one mental health podcast in 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:39.600 the world. Thanks to each and every one of you 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:43.519 that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow, 0:00:44.120 --> 0:00:48.520 it has been an incredible twenty twenty three. I want 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:52.680 to thank you all for posting how On Purpose is 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:55.840 your most listened to podcast this year, or even if 0:00:55.840 --> 0:00:58.640 it's second, or third or fourth on your list. I 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:02.600 love you, I appreciate you you, I genuinely I'm so 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:06.959 grateful for your love and support. And we're only getting started, 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:09.240 We're only getting better. I want to make sure that 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:12.600 you've subscribed to the podcast, make sure that you've left 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:16.440 a review. All of this helps podcasts and also means 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:20.560 you'll never miss an episode. They did an iOS update recently, 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:24.959 and it meant that your podcast app is not downloading 0:01:25.000 --> 0:01:27.759 the latest podcast immediately, so a lot of people were 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:29.760 asking me, Jay, wait a minute, have you not uploaded 0:01:29.760 --> 0:01:33.000 a new podcast. No, we're uploading two new podcasts every 0:01:33.080 --> 0:01:36.320 single week, Monday and Friday. Every Monday, you're going to 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:38.600 get a guest. Every Friday, you're going to get me. 0:01:39.080 --> 0:01:40.640 And I don't want you to miss out. And of 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.679 course we have over four and a half years of 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:46.280 episodes for you to listen to, which means you could 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:49.040 listen to an episode of on Purpose every day if 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:53.240 that's what you want. Now, this episode is extremely timely, 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:57.440 and I'm doing it because whenever I'm traveling, whenever I'm 0:01:57.480 --> 0:02:00.320 meeting lots of you. One of the biggest questions I 0:02:00.440 --> 0:02:03.280 get is, Jay, how do I deal with my family? 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:07.880 My family creates so much toxicity in my life. My 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:11.600 family creates so much negativity in my life. If that 0:02:11.840 --> 0:02:15.440 sounds like you, this episode is for you. Now. This 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:18.600 isn't to say you don't love your family. The people 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:21.800 that are saying this love their families. It's not that 0:02:21.919 --> 0:02:27.240 there is something hugely abusive that's happening. But there is 0:02:27.280 --> 0:02:30.480 a sense of discomfort, there's a sense of stress, there's 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:34.639 a sense of pressure. This isn't just about general holiday pressure. 0:02:35.040 --> 0:02:38.639 This is about pressure from specific people you know you're 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:41.920 going to have to spend time with. And that's why 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:46.520 it gets particularly amplified during the holiday season because you 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:50.200 almost have no way out. Maybe Christmas dinner is already set, 0:02:50.480 --> 0:02:53.799 maybe New Year's Eve is already set. All of these 0:02:54.360 --> 0:02:57.959 things can lead to a lot of stress and pressure. 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:01.600 A lot of that stress and pressure comes in the 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:04.880 build up, right, There's a lot of worry and anxiety 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:07.720 that just kicks in in the build up, even before 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:10.440 you've got to the day, what to speak of the 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:14.840 day itself. So I hope that the next few tips 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:16.880 that I'm going to share with you are going to 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:22.079 help you lower that stress, deal with that anxiety better, 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:27.200 and learn how to navigate those situations. And I want 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:32.440 to start off by sharing this. Think back to when 0:03:32.480 --> 0:03:34.760 you used to go clubbing, and you're thinking, Jay, I 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.960 still go clubbing. Got it understood. I used to go clubbing, 0:03:38.320 --> 0:03:41.440 But I remember when I used to we would always 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:45.080 do pre drinks, right, whether it was in someone's college 0:03:45.120 --> 0:03:49.480 dorm room, whether it's someone's apartment, whether it was outside 0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:53.080 the club, right, whatever was possible with our budget at 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:56.080 the time. But there was always this idea of pre drinks, 0:03:56.360 --> 0:03:58.560 and the idea of pre drinks is it would get 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:00.680 you in the zone, you get to hang out with everyone, 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:03.200 and it would be a more casual atmosphere. But it 0:04:03.280 --> 0:04:06.200 prepared you for the night, It prepared the tone, It 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:08.720 prepared your mindset right, not even if you saw it 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:10.520 that way, but that was the point of it. So 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:15.680 what we need during the holidays is a pre party practice. 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:18.640 Instead of a pre party drink session, we need a 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:22.120 pre party practice. If you've got a party to go to, 0:04:22.120 --> 0:04:23.920 if you've got an event to go to, if you've 0:04:23.960 --> 0:04:27.479 got your family's home to go to, you need to 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:31.159 create a practice or a ritual that gets you in 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:34.520 the right mindset. Now, for some of you, it could 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:36.680 be breath work. This is a big one. For me. 0:04:37.240 --> 0:04:40.839 I find that when I'm anxious, my breath is what 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:44.279 gets out of control. Now, if you've read Think like 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:46.560 a Monk or heard Think like a Monk, you'll know 0:04:46.680 --> 0:04:50.440 this example. But it's something that's worth repeating. When I 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:54.320 first saw a young monk teaching other younger monks on 0:04:54.400 --> 0:04:56.680 their first day of school, when I asked him what 0:04:56.720 --> 0:04:59.040 he was teaching them, he said he was teaching them 0:04:59.080 --> 0:05:02.479 how to breathe. This obviously blew my mind because it 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:05.040 was a ten year old monk telling me this. And 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:06.720 I said to him, why do you teach them how 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:08.719 to breathe? And he said, well, what did you learn 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:11.800 at school? And I was like, I think I learned one, two, three, 0:05:11.880 --> 0:05:16.000 and ABC. And he said, well, we teach them how 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.880 to breathe because the only thing that stays with you 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:21.560 from the moment you're born to the moment you die 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:25.719 is your breath. And he said, what changes when you're 0:05:25.760 --> 0:05:30.320 happy your breath? What changes when you're sad your breath? 0:05:30.800 --> 0:05:36.360 What changes when you're elated your breath? And what changes 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:41.680 when you're exhausted your breath. Your breath is intertwined with 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:45.600 every emotion in your life, So if you learn how 0:05:45.640 --> 0:05:49.120 to navigate your breath, you can navigate life. Now. This 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:52.000 has had such a profound impact on me ever since 0:05:52.040 --> 0:05:55.800 I heard it, because I started to recognize how all 0:05:55.839 --> 0:06:00.479 of my emotions had a different breath pattern. Even why 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:03.560 we use the language like you take my breath away, 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:07.400 or that was breath taking right, or let me catch 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:10.120 a breath, I'm out of breath right. Breath is re 0:06:11.040 --> 0:06:14.280 connected to all of those emotions. So you may find 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:17.479 that in the build up to going out, you start 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:21.520 breathing shallower and you start breathing quicker. Now, when that 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:25.040 starts to happen, it's natural to panic. Maybe you experience sweat, 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:27.560 Maybe you need to talk to your partner or a 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:29.640 loved one that's going to the event, and you're just 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:33.520 pouring out and struggling and stressing about it all. I've 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:38.760 found that a pre party practice of breath work can 0:06:38.800 --> 0:06:41.520 be huge. So what you want to practice is this. 0:06:41.640 --> 0:06:44.520 You want to breathe in for a count of four, 0:06:45.160 --> 0:06:48.919 and you want to exhale for account of more than four. 0:06:49.000 --> 0:06:52.479 You want your exhale to be longer than you're inhale, 0:06:53.200 --> 0:06:55.359 and that will slow your heart rate down. If you 0:06:55.440 --> 0:06:58.760 repeat that ten times, you will feel your breath get 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:02.560 deeper and you will feel your heart rate gets slower 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:07.400 as well. Try that out before as a pre party practice. 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:11.360 Now another one of your pre party practices. Maybe for you, 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.480 what really helps is listening to a song that puts 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:16.760 you in a good mood. You're gonna get your dance 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:19.240 on right. Everyone's been doing the David Beckham challenge. You've 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:21.080 probably seeing me and my wife do it and I 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:23.440 failed to get to dance. But maybe you're gonna get 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:26.320 your partner, maybe gonna dance, maybe you're gonna move. That 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:29.600 can really get you in the right zone to put 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:32.040 yourself in the mindset of I'm gonna have fun tonight. 0:07:32.600 --> 0:07:35.800 I think there's two types of mindsets before you go somewhere. 0:07:35.800 --> 0:07:39.040 It's like, I'm either going to try to not have 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.000 a bad time or I'm going to make sure it's 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:45.640 a good time. And I think that often what we 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:49.800 end up settling for is I hope it's a good time. Now, 0:07:49.880 --> 0:07:52.560 there's a big difference between I'm going to make it 0:07:52.600 --> 0:07:55.480 a good time, I hope it's a good time, or 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:58.840 I'm going to avoid a bad time. Right, They're very 0:07:58.880 --> 0:08:02.000 different mindsets walk down each of those. So the idea 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.280 of God, I hope it's not as bad as I 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:06.920 think it's going to be. The challenge with that is 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:11.600 you are still leaving the success of the evening up 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:13.880 to other people. So the idea of I hope it's 0:08:13.920 --> 0:08:15.640 not as bad as I think it's going to be. 0:08:16.160 --> 0:08:19.800 You're hoping. Hoping means you're helpless in how it's going 0:08:19.880 --> 0:08:22.680 to go. You're saying you don't have any impact or 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:26.640 any control, or any skew or steer as to how 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:31.240 this evening can go. You have surrendered yourself powerless, and 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.480 now you're walking into a space allowing for it to 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:37.080 be what it's going to be. That doesn't work. We've 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:40.000 all tried that before. The other way to do it 0:08:40.040 --> 0:08:43.600 is say I hope it's going to be good. Now 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:46.479 you're doing the opposite. At least you've added a positive 0:08:46.520 --> 0:08:49.400 twist to it, but again you're still hoping. You're still 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:55.280 allowing the circumstances and whatever happens in the environment to 0:08:55.320 --> 0:08:57.880 define how you feel. And the third is I'm going 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:00.440 to make today a great night. I'm going to make 0:09:00.480 --> 0:09:04.160 sure I have fun. I'm going to create opportunities for 0:09:04.280 --> 0:09:07.080 connection and fun. And this mindset, what it does is 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:10.600 it takes your power back. Notice how this isn't positive thinking, 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:14.480 This isn't fooling yourself. It's not tricking yourself. It's actually 0:09:14.520 --> 0:09:16.400 coming at it from the point of view of saying, 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:21.120 you know what, I know myself. I understand myself. I 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:23.400 accept that there are things tonight that are not going 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:25.960 to be easy, but I still know how to have 0:09:26.000 --> 0:09:31.679 a good time. You're reclaiming your power, you're reclaiming your focus, 0:09:32.360 --> 0:09:37.240 and you're reclaiming your strength. And that's exactly what we 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:40.640 need to do in these scenarios. Now, having done that, 0:09:40.760 --> 0:09:43.719 so you've got a pre party practice right first of all, 0:09:43.720 --> 0:09:46.000 could be refining your intention or your mindset as we 0:09:46.160 --> 0:09:49.280 just did. It could be doing the breath work practice. 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:51.560 It could be dancing, putting on a song you love, 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:54.400 setting yourself up. So what you want to do is 0:09:54.440 --> 0:09:57.120 make sure that in your schedule you have a pre 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:00.000 party practice set up for you to do. It sounds crazy, 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:02.520 but I promise you will help you so much. It 0:10:02.559 --> 0:10:07.200 could even be rehearsing your answers to the questions that 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.160 you know you're going to get asked, so you know 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:12.440 that annoying person in your family is going to say 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:16.640 when are you getting married or are you dating anyone yet? Right, 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:19.600 The relationship questions are often the hardest ones. Maybe you've 0:10:19.640 --> 0:10:22.240 just been through a breakup. Maybe you had a great 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:25.280 relationship that didn't quite work out. Maybe you took someone 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:27.840 over last year and this year you're not with them anymore. 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:30.520 Maybe you're with someone but you're not ready to get married. 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:32.720 Maybe you don't want to get married, right, maybe you 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:35.000 don't want to have kids, whatever it may be, you 0:10:35.160 --> 0:10:38.960 know what those questions are going to be. Having rehearsed answers, 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:43.520 practiced answers allows you to set yourself up to win. 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:45.800 So often what I'll do is before an event are 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:49.000 write down the questions are most likely to get asked, 0:10:49.040 --> 0:10:52.280 almost like a FAQ's right. Frequently ask questions like on 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:56.720 a website. Write out your FAQs and then write out 0:10:56.760 --> 0:11:01.079 your answers practiced, so that when the arts question is asked, 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:04.560 which it inevitably will, you're not surprised by it. I 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:06.760 think this is something that a lot of people make 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:09.280 a mistake about, where what we're doing is we're standing 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:11.400 there the whole time hoping don't ask me that question, 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:12.960 don't ask me that question, or if he asked me 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:15.319 that question, I'm gonna flip out, or if if they 0:11:15.520 --> 0:11:17.520 go there, I'm gonna you know, I'm gonna lose it. 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:20.600 They are going to go there. They are going to 0:11:20.679 --> 0:11:24.800 go there. This is all about resetting expectations, right. They 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:28.080 are going to go there. They are going to be annoying, 0:11:28.640 --> 0:11:31.160 they are going to be frustrating, they are going to 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:35.240 be inappropriate, it will happen, and therefore you being prepared 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:39.400 is far better than you setting yourself up for failure. 0:11:39.640 --> 0:11:41.800 And that's often what we do, is we set ourselves 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:46.200 up for failure because we hope and wish and wait 0:11:46.880 --> 0:11:51.240 rather than predict, plan and prepare. We don't want to hope, 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:54.720 wish and wait and worry. That leads to worrying, not 0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:56.600 only in the build up but even on the evening. 0:11:57.000 --> 0:12:01.280 Whereas if we're prepared, predictive, and plan, and we're now 0:12:01.360 --> 0:12:04.760 ready to answer those questions, So make sure you write 0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:08.560 down the FAQs. Oh you know, did you not get 0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:11.920 promoted this year? Whatever it is, right, write down those 0:12:11.960 --> 0:12:15.280 predictive questions and have your answers ready now. Point number 0:12:15.320 --> 0:12:20.880 three is often if it's been bubbling, especially right, Like 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:24.240 I know someone who is telling me that whenever they 0:12:24.240 --> 0:12:27.360 get asked about you know, why they're not dating yet, 0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:30.400 it really gets under their skin because the truth is 0:12:30.800 --> 0:12:33.400 the reason why it triggers us is because we're struggling 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.720 with it. Right, if you're not struggling with something and 0:12:35.760 --> 0:12:39.559 someone criticizes you, it usually doesn't trigger you. Right if 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.280 you don't care about how you dress and someone comments 0:12:42.320 --> 0:12:45.000 on what you're wearing, you won't care. But if you 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:46.840 do care about the fact that you've been struggling in 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.719 dating and someone says something, it triggers you much worse. Right, 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:52.439 it's natural. And they were saying to me that whenever 0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:55.360 they got asked this question, it really irks them and 0:12:55.840 --> 0:13:00.000 they just want this person to understand that it's inappropriate 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:04.840 to ask that. Now, I agree that people ask and 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:08.920 say things that I wish they didn't say, and I 0:13:09.240 --> 0:13:12.840 agree that often it is malicious. It's not like it's 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:14.960 something you just have to let go of. But what 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:18.880 I've discovered is that family gatherings are rarely the place 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:23.840 to fix or fight things out right. It's rarely the 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:27.280 place that you're going to have a healthy debate and 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:31.920 a discussion that leads to a resolution because emotions are 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:35.240 high for everyone. Everyone is worrying about what everyone else 0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:38.199 is thinking of them, and often the person who tries 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:42.079 to solve the problem ends up looking like the problem. Right. 0:13:42.080 --> 0:13:44.120 Have you ever experienced that before where you're the one 0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:46.840 trying to solve the problem, but you end up looking 0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:50.280 like the problem, and now everyone thinks that you ruined Christmas? 0:13:50.360 --> 0:13:53.520 Right like that, and that isn't true. It's not right, 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:56.960 but it is human psychology because everyone feels like they're 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:59.200 on display, they're trying to have a good time. The 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:03.439 person who gets triggered, even if it's truly valid, isn't 0:14:03.880 --> 0:14:06.920 going to be seen as the person who's fixing. They're 0:14:06.920 --> 0:14:08.840 going to be seen as the person who's fighting it out. 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:13.160 And so what I often find is that in this scenario, 0:14:13.880 --> 0:14:15.679 if you can remind yourself, hey, if I want to 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.440 fix this, I need to approach it at a different time. 0:14:18.760 --> 0:14:20.680 If I want to fight it out, I need to 0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:24.320 approach it at a different time. It's not always the 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:26.960 right time to fix something, and it's not always the 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:30.760 right time to fight something. And fixing and fighting about 0:14:30.760 --> 0:14:34.000 something is far more about timing than we give it 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:39.640 credit for. We don't lose fights because we're bad at fighting. 0:14:40.200 --> 0:14:45.640 We often lose fights because we get our timing wrong. Right, 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:47.880 It's not that you're bad at fighting, it's that you're 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.840 bad at timing. It's not that you're bad at fixing. 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:53.720 It's that you're bad at timing. And I find this 0:14:54.120 --> 0:14:57.360 over and over and over again, where we don't time 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:01.360 conversations effectively. Think about this in general, in life. Right, 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:03.960 like someone walks through the door, you say something to 0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:06.560 them immediately. You wake up in the morning, someone says 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:11.520 something to you immediately. Most of our conversations that are 0:15:11.600 --> 0:15:15.520 uncomfortable are had at the wrong time. And if you 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:18.320 can get the timing right, which isn't the holiday dinner, 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:21.000 which isn't the holiday event, chances are you may be 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:24.280 able to get to some resolution. So don't try and 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:27.320 fix it and fight it out at a time when 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:29.640 it's not the right time. And I'm repeating this because 0:15:29.840 --> 0:15:31.440 I know you're going to need to hear me in 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:33.680 your head when you're in that moment, because guess what, 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:36.200 when you're valid, when you know that it's right for 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:40.040 you to raise this and push this and make something known, 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:42.720 and you're also thinking, well, everyone just needs to realize 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:45.280 this person's wrong, and you think this is it. This 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:48.400 is my moment, right, We've all been there, and by 0:15:48.400 --> 0:15:50.080 the way, I've been there too. I've made this mistake 0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:55.120 many times. This segment about connectivity is brought to you 0:15:55.160 --> 0:15:59.680 by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting changes everything. 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:03.760 If you struggle to connect with others, sometimes past experiences 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:07.440 like feeling left out tough times or messy relationships can 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.600 make us throw up these walls. We might not even notice, 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:14.480 and guess what, These walls end up isolating us from 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:18.360 the very people we want close. Especially now with everyone 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:21.280 working from different places and all over the map, staying 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:24.120 close to others matters more than ever. It's not just 0:16:24.160 --> 0:16:28.480 about casual interaction. It's about fostering a sense of belonging, empathy, 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:33.200 and shared understanding in a world that's increasingly interconnected yet 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:37.640 emotionally distant. Staying connected, especially when miles apart, has become 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:40.840 more accessible than ever. Here are some ways to keep 0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:44.960 those meaningful connections alive, no matter the distance. Number One, 0:16:45.080 --> 0:16:48.920 video conferencing apps like FaceTime, WhatsApp, Zoom, and Skype are 0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:52.360 your portal to a more connected world. From daily catchups 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:56.120 with loved ones to brainstorming sessions with colleagues, These moments 0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:59.920 brids that physical gap and remind us that we're not alone. Two. 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:04.080 Hosting virtual events ever thought about live streaming special events 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:07.359 like birthdays, anniversaries, or even weddings. It's all possible with 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.080 the use of video platforms. But it's not just about 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:12.520 the big moments. Plan a virtual hang out with friends 0:17:12.520 --> 0:17:15.200 for a book club session, or maybe doing a online 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:18.119 games night. It's like bringing the fun right into your 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:21.400 living room, no matter where everyone actually is. Number three 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.639 Create a Netflix party movie nights with friends and family. 0:17:24.720 --> 0:17:27.720 Take on a whole new vibe with Netflix Party, sync 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:29.840 up your shows and chat away in a group chat 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.960 while watching together. It's like having a cozy movie night, 0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:36.600 but with everyone sprawled across different couches. Number four Seek 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:41.120 support online feeling down or anxious, you're not alone. Online 0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:43.680 therapy is a powerful resource to lean on when things 0:17:43.720 --> 0:17:46.800 get tough. Connecting with an online therapist can offer that 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:50.400 support and guidance you need even when physical closeness isn't 0:17:50.400 --> 0:17:53.160 an option. I hope these tools can help you build 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:57.040 meaningful connections with the people around you and decrease any 0:17:57.119 --> 0:18:00.320 sense or feeling of isolation. This has been brought to 0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:05.600 you by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals, 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:08.840 and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:13.679 lives for the better. Number four really important. Make someone 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:17.119 else aware who can have your back. I think in 0:18:17.160 --> 0:18:19.760 these moments where you're not going to defend yourself or 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:22.040 fight it or fix it out, it's great to have 0:18:22.080 --> 0:18:25.119 someone else who has your back and mixes it. So 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.240 if you've told a family member or friend and said, look, 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:31.600 I really don't appreciate being asked these questions. When someone 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:34.040 asks me and you see me get a bit uncomfortable 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:36.280 and you know, it's hard for me to just let 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:39.880 it slide. Do you mind just stepping in and say, hey, yeah, 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:42.159 you know, like they're doing great at work right now, Well, 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:44.240 you know, actually things are going great, like, you know, 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:46.359 let's talk about this, and they can change the topic, 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:49.440 so they're also not ruining the vibe, but that they 0:18:49.440 --> 0:18:51.000 can step in and help you. And I think we 0:18:51.119 --> 0:18:54.360 often are scared to ask for help, and then afterwards 0:18:54.400 --> 0:18:56.600 we'll look at someone say well, why didn't you say anything? 0:18:56.880 --> 0:18:58.679 And thelso when I didn't know you wanted me to 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:02.000 run to your I didn't want to feel like you 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:06.280 needed support, right, So that idea of why you know, 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:08.040 we don't ask for help, and then afterwards we'll be like, well, 0:19:08.040 --> 0:19:09.720 why didn't you help me, and the person says, well, 0:19:10.119 --> 0:19:14.840 I didn't know you needed it. So selecting your allies right, 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:19.440 selecting your allies and communicating with them beforehand. This is 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:23.879 a strategy that's often used in business meetings where if 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.480 you're presenting a new idea, or you know you're going 0:19:26.520 --> 0:19:29.320 to have to respond to an idea, you've already got 0:19:29.359 --> 0:19:31.879 everyone's buying in the room, so that when you present 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:34.600 it or when you respond, people are already on side. 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:37.720 And often in our families, we don't realize how much 0:19:37.800 --> 0:19:40.120 people need to know this and how much people need 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:42.320 to be aware. So feel free to speak to a 0:19:42.359 --> 0:19:44.880 couple of people and say, look, I find this really uncomfortable, 0:19:45.200 --> 0:19:46.719 and I'm not asking you to save the day. I'm 0:19:46.760 --> 0:19:49.760 not asking you to interject and create a scene either, 0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:51.720 but I'd love for you to help me to just 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:55.359 redirect the conversation right. This can be a huge, huge 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:59.760 win for you, and it makes it easier on the 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:02.320 other person as well, because they kind of get the 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:05.439 message through other people. Now, the next one I'm going 0:20:05.520 --> 0:20:08.280 to share with you maybe a slightly risky strategy, but 0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:15.080 it's something that's worth considering. It's inspired by this beautiful 0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:18.440 quote from Russell Barkley where he said that the children 0:20:18.480 --> 0:20:22.399 who need the most love often ask for it in 0:20:22.440 --> 0:20:25.960 the most unloving ways. What I find is that people 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:29.479 who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature 0:20:29.880 --> 0:20:33.560 in a setting are often people who feel unloved or 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:39.560 unheard or unseen themselves, and usually their comments about other 0:20:39.640 --> 0:20:42.840 people are a way of getting attention, a way of 0:20:42.880 --> 0:20:48.159 feeling superior, or a way of feeling interesting. And while 0:20:48.880 --> 0:20:51.479 our job is not to think that's okay or condone it, 0:20:52.240 --> 0:20:55.480 we can look at that and recognize that this person 0:20:55.960 --> 0:21:01.200 is feeling unvalidated. This person is feeling unimportant, and this 0:21:01.240 --> 0:21:06.840 person is probably feeling insignificant. And we see this again 0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:11.760 and again and again. And what's really interesting about this 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:19.000 is I've often seen that if I can be thoughtfully, 0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:25.440 genuinely loving towards this individual, then there may be an opportunity. 0:21:25.600 --> 0:21:27.760 That's if I have the ability to do that. You 0:21:27.800 --> 0:21:29.359 may say, do you have no ability to do that? 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:33.760 Totally respect it, But if I can, if I can, 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:38.879 I have found that it can actually be revolutionary for 0:21:39.000 --> 0:21:43.639 my relationship with them. So I try my best in 0:21:43.680 --> 0:21:47.720 every scenario that I'm in to say, Okay, how do 0:21:47.800 --> 0:21:51.199 I demonstrate love and affection to this person in a 0:21:51.240 --> 0:21:53.520 genuine way, not in a fake way, not as a technique. 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:56.960 Maybe I'm going to compliment something they're wearing. Maybe I'm 0:21:57.000 --> 0:21:59.280 going to congratulate them on the news that I heard 0:21:59.280 --> 0:22:03.399 about them. Maybe I'm going to ask them a question 0:22:03.440 --> 0:22:07.200 that's open, and then acknowledge the greatness or something good 0:22:07.200 --> 0:22:11.120 about what they've done right. And what that does is 0:22:11.240 --> 0:22:14.680 it gives that person an opportunity. Now, if you do 0:22:14.760 --> 0:22:17.439 this with an expectation that, oh, this person's now going 0:22:17.480 --> 0:22:18.879 to be nice to me, that's going to set you 0:22:18.960 --> 0:22:21.719 up for failure, because they may not. But what it 0:22:21.760 --> 0:22:24.439 does is it sets them up with an opportunity to 0:22:24.600 --> 0:22:27.240 show you that they may not feel that way anymore, 0:22:27.359 --> 0:22:30.920 that they may have not changed, but you may set 0:22:30.920 --> 0:22:33.800 them off on a different track. And I'm not saying 0:22:33.800 --> 0:22:35.960