Speaker 1: The children who need the most love often ask for
Speaker 1: it in the most unloving ways. What I find is
Speaker 1: that people who usually stir up trouble or have this
Speaker 1: toxic nature are often people who feel unloved or unheard
Speaker 1: or unseen themselves. Usually their comments about other people are
Speaker 1: a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior,
Speaker 1: or a way of feeling interesting. Hey everyone, welcome back
Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one mental health podcast in
Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you
Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow,
Speaker 1: it has been an incredible twenty twenty three. I want
Speaker 1: to thank you all for posting how On Purpose is
Speaker 1: your most listened to podcast this year, or even if
Speaker 1: it's second, or third or fourth on your list. I
Speaker 1: love you, I appreciate you you, I genuinely I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for your love and support. And we're only getting started,
Speaker 1: We're only getting better. I want to make sure that
Speaker 1: you've subscribed to the podcast, make sure that you've left
Speaker 1: a review. All of this helps podcasts and also means
Speaker 1: you'll never miss an episode. They did an iOS update recently,
Speaker 1: and it meant that your podcast app is not downloading
Speaker 1: the latest podcast immediately, so a lot of people were
Speaker 1: asking me, Jay, wait a minute, have you not uploaded
Speaker 1: a new podcast. No, we're uploading two new podcasts every
Speaker 1: single week, Monday and Friday. Every Monday, you're going to
Speaker 1: get a guest. Every Friday, you're going to get me.
Speaker 1: And I don't want you to miss out. And of
Speaker 1: course we have over four and a half years of
Speaker 1: episodes for you to listen to, which means you could
Speaker 1: listen to an episode of on Purpose every day if
Speaker 1: that's what you want. Now, this episode is extremely timely,
Speaker 1: and I'm doing it because whenever I'm traveling, whenever I'm
Speaker 1: meeting lots of you. One of the biggest questions I
Speaker 1: get is, Jay, how do I deal with my family?
Speaker 1: My family creates so much toxicity in my life. My
Speaker 1: family creates so much negativity in my life. If that
Speaker 1: sounds like you, this episode is for you. Now. This
Speaker 1: isn't to say you don't love your family. The people
Speaker 1: that are saying this love their families. It's not that
Speaker 1: there is something hugely abusive that's happening. But there is
Speaker 1: a sense of discomfort, there's a sense of stress, there's
Speaker 1: a sense of pressure. This isn't just about general holiday pressure.
Speaker 1: This is about pressure from specific people you know you're
Speaker 1: going to have to spend time with. And that's why
Speaker 1: it gets particularly amplified during the holiday season because you
Speaker 1: almost have no way out. Maybe Christmas dinner is already set,
Speaker 1: maybe New Year's Eve is already set. All of these
Speaker 1: things can lead to a lot of stress and pressure.
Speaker 1: A lot of that stress and pressure comes in the
Speaker 1: build up, right, There's a lot of worry and anxiety
Speaker 1: that just kicks in in the build up, even before
Speaker 1: you've got to the day, what to speak of the
Speaker 1: day itself. So I hope that the next few tips
Speaker 1: that I'm going to share with you are going to
Speaker 1: help you lower that stress, deal with that anxiety better,
Speaker 1: and learn how to navigate those situations. And I want
Speaker 1: to start off by sharing this. Think back to when
Speaker 1: you used to go clubbing, and you're thinking, Jay, I
Speaker 1: still go clubbing. Got it understood. I used to go clubbing,
Speaker 1: But I remember when I used to we would always
Speaker 1: do pre drinks, right, whether it was in someone's college
Speaker 1: dorm room, whether it's someone's apartment, whether it was outside
Speaker 1: the club, right, whatever was possible with our budget at
Speaker 1: the time. But there was always this idea of pre drinks,
Speaker 1: and the idea of pre drinks is it would get
Speaker 1: you in the zone, you get to hang out with everyone,
Speaker 1: and it would be a more casual atmosphere. But it
Speaker 1: prepared you for the night, It prepared the tone, It
Speaker 1: prepared your mindset right, not even if you saw it
Speaker 1: that way, but that was the point of it. So
Speaker 1: what we need during the holidays is a pre party practice.
Speaker 1: Instead of a pre party drink session, we need a
Speaker 1: pre party practice. If you've got a party to go to,
Speaker 1: if you've got an event to go to, if you've
Speaker 1: got your family's home to go to, you need to
Speaker 1: create a practice or a ritual that gets you in
Speaker 1: the right mindset. Now, for some of you, it could
Speaker 1: be breath work. This is a big one. For me.
Speaker 1: I find that when I'm anxious, my breath is what
Speaker 1: gets out of control. Now, if you've read Think like
Speaker 1: a Monk or heard Think like a Monk, you'll know
Speaker 1: this example. But it's something that's worth repeating. When I
Speaker 1: first saw a young monk teaching other younger monks on
Speaker 1: their first day of school, when I asked him what
Speaker 1: he was teaching them, he said he was teaching them
Speaker 1: how to breathe. This obviously blew my mind because it
Speaker 1: was a ten year old monk telling me this. And
Speaker 1: I said to him, why do you teach them how
Speaker 1: to breathe? And he said, well, what did you learn
Speaker 1: at school? And I was like, I think I learned one, two, three,
Speaker 1: and ABC. And he said, well, we teach them how
Speaker 1: to breathe because the only thing that stays with you
Speaker 1: from the moment you're born to the moment you die
Speaker 1: is your breath. And he said, what changes when you're
Speaker 1: happy your breath? What changes when you're sad your breath?
Speaker 1: What changes when you're elated your breath? And what changes
Speaker 1: when you're exhausted your breath. Your breath is intertwined with
Speaker 1: every emotion in your life, So if you learn how
Speaker 1: to navigate your breath, you can navigate life. Now. This
Speaker 1: has had such a profound impact on me ever since
Speaker 1: I heard it, because I started to recognize how all
Speaker 1: of my emotions had a different breath pattern. Even why
Speaker 1: we use the language like you take my breath away,
Speaker 1: or that was breath taking right, or let me catch
Speaker 1: a breath, I'm out of breath right. Breath is re
Speaker 1: connected to all of those emotions. So you may find
Speaker 1: that in the build up to going out, you start
Speaker 1: breathing shallower and you start breathing quicker. Now, when that
Speaker 1: starts to happen, it's natural to panic. Maybe you experience sweat,
Speaker 1: Maybe you need to talk to your partner or a
Speaker 1: loved one that's going to the event, and you're just
Speaker 1: pouring out and struggling and stressing about it all. I've
Speaker 1: found that a pre party practice of breath work can
Speaker 1: be huge. So what you want to practice is this.
Speaker 1: You want to breathe in for a count of four,
Speaker 1: and you want to exhale for account of more than four.
Speaker 1: You want your exhale to be longer than you're inhale,
Speaker 1: and that will slow your heart rate down. If you
Speaker 1: repeat that ten times, you will feel your breath get
Speaker 1: deeper and you will feel your heart rate gets slower
Speaker 1: as well. Try that out before as a pre party practice.
Speaker 1: Now another one of your pre party practices. Maybe for you,
Speaker 1: what really helps is listening to a song that puts
Speaker 1: you in a good mood. You're gonna get your dance
Speaker 1: on right. Everyone's been doing the David Beckham challenge. You've
Speaker 1: probably seeing me and my wife do it and I
Speaker 1: failed to get to dance. But maybe you're gonna get
Speaker 1: your partner, maybe gonna dance, maybe you're gonna move. That
Speaker 1: can really get you in the right zone to put
Speaker 1: yourself in the mindset of I'm gonna have fun tonight.
Speaker 1: I think there's two types of mindsets before you go somewhere.
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm either going to try to not have
Speaker 1: a bad time or I'm going to make sure it's
Speaker 1: a good time. And I think that often what we
Speaker 1: end up settling for is I hope it's a good time. Now,
Speaker 1: there's a big difference between I'm going to make it
Speaker 1: a good time, I hope it's a good time, or
Speaker 1: I'm going to avoid a bad time. Right, They're very
Speaker 1: different mindsets walk down each of those. So the idea
Speaker 1: of God, I hope it's not as bad as I
Speaker 1: think it's going to be. The challenge with that is
Speaker 1: you are still leaving the success of the evening up
Speaker 1: to other people. So the idea of I hope it's
Speaker 1: not as bad as I think it's going to be.
Speaker 1: You're hoping. Hoping means you're helpless in how it's going
Speaker 1: to go. You're saying you don't have any impact or
Speaker 1: any control, or any skew or steer as to how
Speaker 1: this evening can go. You have surrendered yourself powerless, and
Speaker 1: now you're walking into a space allowing for it to
Speaker 1: be what it's going to be. That doesn't work. We've
Speaker 1: all tried that before. The other way to do it
Speaker 1: is say I hope it's going to be good. Now
Speaker 1: you're doing the opposite. At least you've added a positive
Speaker 1: twist to it, but again you're still hoping. You're still
Speaker 1: allowing the circumstances and whatever happens in the environment to
Speaker 1: define how you feel. And the third is I'm going
Speaker 1: to make today a great night. I'm going to make
Speaker 1: sure I have fun. I'm going to create opportunities for
Speaker 1: connection and fun. And this mindset, what it does is
Speaker 1: it takes your power back. Notice how this isn't positive thinking,
Speaker 1: This isn't fooling yourself. It's not tricking yourself. It's actually
Speaker 1: coming at it from the point of view of saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, I know myself. I understand myself. I
Speaker 1: accept that there are things tonight that are not going
Speaker 1: to be easy, but I still know how to have
Speaker 1: a good time. You're reclaiming your power, you're reclaiming your focus,
Speaker 1: and you're reclaiming your strength. And that's exactly what we
Speaker 1: need to do in these scenarios. Now, having done that,
Speaker 1: so you've got a pre party practice right first of all,
Speaker 1: could be refining your intention or your mindset as we
Speaker 1: just did. It could be doing the breath work practice.
Speaker 1: It could be dancing, putting on a song you love,
Speaker 1: setting yourself up. So what you want to do is
Speaker 1: make sure that in your schedule you have a pre
Speaker 1: party practice set up for you to do. It sounds crazy,
Speaker 1: but I promise you will help you so much. It
Speaker 1: could even be rehearsing your answers to the questions that
Speaker 1: you know you're going to get asked, so you know
Speaker 1: that annoying person in your family is going to say
Speaker 1: when are you getting married or are you dating anyone yet? Right,
Speaker 1: The relationship questions are often the hardest ones. Maybe you've
Speaker 1: just been through a breakup. Maybe you had a great
Speaker 1: relationship that didn't quite work out. Maybe you took someone
Speaker 1: over last year and this year you're not with them anymore.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're with someone but you're not ready to get married.
Speaker 1: Maybe you don't want to get married, right, maybe you
Speaker 1: don't want to have kids, whatever it may be, you
Speaker 1: know what those questions are going to be. Having rehearsed answers,
Speaker 1: practiced answers allows you to set yourself up to win.
Speaker 1: So often what I'll do is before an event are
Speaker 1: write down the questions are most likely to get asked,
Speaker 1: almost like a FAQ's right. Frequently ask questions like on
Speaker 1: a website. Write out your FAQs and then write out
Speaker 1: your answers practiced, so that when the arts question is asked,
Speaker 1: which it inevitably will, you're not surprised by it. I
Speaker 1: think this is something that a lot of people make
Speaker 1: a mistake about, where what we're doing is we're standing
Speaker 1: there the whole time hoping don't ask me that question,
Speaker 1: don't ask me that question, or if he asked me
Speaker 1: that question, I'm gonna flip out, or if if they
Speaker 1: go there, I'm gonna you know, I'm gonna lose it.
Speaker 1: They are going to go there. They are going to
Speaker 1: go there. This is all about resetting expectations, right. They
Speaker 1: are going to go there. They are going to be annoying,
Speaker 1: they are going to be frustrating, they are going to
Speaker 1: be inappropriate, it will happen, and therefore you being prepared
Speaker 1: is far better than you setting yourself up for failure.
Speaker 1: And that's often what we do, is we set ourselves
Speaker 1: up for failure because we hope and wish and wait
Speaker 1: rather than predict, plan and prepare. We don't want to hope,
Speaker 1: wish and wait and worry. That leads to worrying, not
Speaker 1: only in the build up but even on the evening.
Speaker 1: Whereas if we're prepared, predictive, and plan, and we're now
Speaker 1: ready to answer those questions, So make sure you write
Speaker 1: down the FAQs. Oh you know, did you not get
Speaker 1: promoted this year? Whatever it is, right, write down those
Speaker 1: predictive questions and have your answers ready now. Point number
Speaker 1: three is often if it's been bubbling, especially right, Like
Speaker 1: I know someone who is telling me that whenever they
Speaker 1: get asked about you know, why they're not dating yet,
Speaker 1: it really gets under their skin because the truth is
Speaker 1: the reason why it triggers us is because we're struggling
Speaker 1: with it. Right, if you're not struggling with something and
Speaker 1: someone criticizes you, it usually doesn't trigger you. Right if
Speaker 1: you don't care about how you dress and someone comments
Speaker 1: on what you're wearing, you won't care. But if you
Speaker 1: do care about the fact that you've been struggling in
Speaker 1: dating and someone says something, it triggers you much worse. Right,
Speaker 1: it's natural. And they were saying to me that whenever
Speaker 1: they got asked this question, it really irks them and
Speaker 1: they just want this person to understand that it's inappropriate
Speaker 1: to ask that. Now, I agree that people ask and
Speaker 1: say things that I wish they didn't say, and I
Speaker 1: agree that often it is malicious. It's not like it's
Speaker 1: something you just have to let go of. But what
Speaker 1: I've discovered is that family gatherings are rarely the place
Speaker 1: to fix or fight things out right. It's rarely the
Speaker 1: place that you're going to have a healthy debate and
Speaker 1: a discussion that leads to a resolution because emotions are
Speaker 1: high for everyone. Everyone is worrying about what everyone else
Speaker 1: is thinking of them, and often the person who tries
Speaker 1: to solve the problem ends up looking like the problem. Right.
Speaker 1: Have you ever experienced that before where you're the one
Speaker 1: trying to solve the problem, but you end up looking
Speaker 1: like the problem, and now everyone thinks that you ruined Christmas?
Speaker 1: Right like that, and that isn't true. It's not right,
Speaker 1: but it is human psychology because everyone feels like they're
Speaker 1: on display, they're trying to have a good time. The
Speaker 1: person who gets triggered, even if it's truly valid, isn't
Speaker 1: going to be seen as the person who's fixing. They're
Speaker 1: going to be seen as the person who's fighting it out.
Speaker 1: And so what I often find is that in this scenario,
Speaker 1: if you can remind yourself, hey, if I want to
Speaker 1: fix this, I need to approach it at a different time.
Speaker 1: If I want to fight it out, I need to
Speaker 1: approach it at a different time. It's not always the
Speaker 1: right time to fix something, and it's not always the
Speaker 1: right time to fight something. And fixing and fighting about
Speaker 1: something is far more about timing than we give it
Speaker 1: credit for. We don't lose fights because we're bad at fighting.
Speaker 1: We often lose fights because we get our timing wrong. Right,
Speaker 1: It's not that you're bad at fighting, it's that you're
Speaker 1: bad at timing. It's not that you're bad at fixing.
Speaker 1: It's that you're bad at timing. And I find this
Speaker 1: over and over and over again, where we don't time
Speaker 1: conversations effectively. Think about this in general, in life. Right,
Speaker 1: like someone walks through the door, you say something to
Speaker 1: them immediately. You wake up in the morning, someone says
Speaker 1: something to you immediately. Most of our conversations that are
Speaker 1: uncomfortable are had at the wrong time. And if you
Speaker 1: can get the timing right, which isn't the holiday dinner,
Speaker 1: which isn't the holiday event, chances are you may be
Speaker 1: able to get to some resolution. So don't try and
Speaker 1: fix it and fight it out at a time when
Speaker 1: it's not the right time. And I'm repeating this because
Speaker 1: I know you're going to need to hear me in
Speaker 1: your head when you're in that moment, because guess what,
Speaker 1: when you're valid, when you know that it's right for
Speaker 1: you to raise this and push this and make something known,
Speaker 1: and you're also thinking, well, everyone just needs to realize
Speaker 1: this person's wrong, and you think this is it. This
Speaker 1: is my moment, right, We've all been there, and by
Speaker 1: the way, I've been there too. I've made this mistake
Speaker 1: many times. This segment about connectivity is brought to you
Speaker 1: by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting changes everything.
Speaker 1: If you struggle to connect with others, sometimes past experiences
Speaker 1: like feeling left out tough times or messy relationships can
Speaker 1: make us throw up these walls. We might not even notice,
Speaker 1: and guess what, These walls end up isolating us from
Speaker 1: the very people we want close. Especially now with everyone
Speaker 1: working from different places and all over the map, staying
Speaker 1: close to others matters more than ever. It's not just
Speaker 1: about casual interaction. It's about fostering a sense of belonging, empathy,
Speaker 1: and shared understanding in a world that's increasingly interconnected yet
Speaker 1: emotionally distant. Staying connected, especially when miles apart, has become
Speaker 1: more accessible than ever. Here are some ways to keep
Speaker 1: those meaningful connections alive, no matter the distance. Number One,
Speaker 1: video conferencing apps like FaceTime, WhatsApp, Zoom, and Skype are
Speaker 1: your portal to a more connected world. From daily catchups
Speaker 1: with loved ones to brainstorming sessions with colleagues, These moments
Speaker 1: brids that physical gap and remind us that we're not alone. Two.
Speaker 1: Hosting virtual events ever thought about live streaming special events
Speaker 1: like birthdays, anniversaries, or even weddings. It's all possible with
Speaker 1: the use of video platforms. But it's not just about
Speaker 1: the big moments. Plan a virtual hang out with friends
Speaker 1: for a book club session, or maybe doing a online
Speaker 1: games night. It's like bringing the fun right into your
Speaker 1: living room, no matter where everyone actually is. Number three
Speaker 1: Create a Netflix party movie nights with friends and family.
Speaker 1: Take on a whole new vibe with Netflix Party, sync
Speaker 1: up your shows and chat away in a group chat
Speaker 1: while watching together. It's like having a cozy movie night,
Speaker 1: but with everyone sprawled across different couches. Number four Seek
Speaker 1: support online feeling down or anxious, you're not alone. Online
Speaker 1: therapy is a powerful resource to lean on when things
Speaker 1: get tough. Connecting with an online therapist can offer that
Speaker 1: support and guidance you need even when physical closeness isn't
Speaker 1: an option. I hope these tools can help you build
Speaker 1: meaningful connections with the people around you and decrease any
Speaker 1: sense or feeling of isolation. This has been brought to
Speaker 1: you by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals,
Speaker 1: and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our
Speaker 1: lives for the better. Number four really important. Make someone
Speaker 1: else aware who can have your back. I think in
Speaker 1: these moments where you're not going to defend yourself or
Speaker 1: fight it or fix it out, it's great to have
Speaker 1: someone else who has your back and mixes it. So
Speaker 1: if you've told a family member or friend and said, look,
Speaker 1: I really don't appreciate being asked these questions. When someone
Speaker 1: asks me and you see me get a bit uncomfortable
Speaker 1: and you know, it's hard for me to just let
Speaker 1: it slide. Do you mind just stepping in and say, hey, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, like they're doing great at work right now, Well,
Speaker 1: you know, actually things are going great, like, you know,
Speaker 1: let's talk about this, and they can change the topic,
Speaker 1: so they're also not ruining the vibe, but that they
Speaker 1: can step in and help you. And I think we
Speaker 1: often are scared to ask for help, and then afterwards
Speaker 1: we'll look at someone say well, why didn't you say anything?
Speaker 1: And thelso when I didn't know you wanted me to
Speaker 1: run to your I didn't want to feel like you
Speaker 1: needed support, right, So that idea of why you know,
Speaker 1: we don't ask for help, and then afterwards we'll be like, well,
Speaker 1: why didn't you help me, and the person says, well,
Speaker 1: I didn't know you needed it. So selecting your allies right,
Speaker 1: selecting your allies and communicating with them beforehand. This is
Speaker 1: a strategy that's often used in business meetings where if
Speaker 1: you're presenting a new idea, or you know you're going
Speaker 1: to have to respond to an idea, you've already got
Speaker 1: everyone's buying in the room, so that when you present
Speaker 1: it or when you respond, people are already on side.
Speaker 1: And often in our families, we don't realize how much
Speaker 1: people need to know this and how much people need
Speaker 1: to be aware. So feel free to speak to a
Speaker 1: couple of people and say, look, I find this really uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: and I'm not asking you to save the day. I'm
Speaker 1: not asking you to interject and create a scene either,
Speaker 1: but I'd love for you to help me to just
Speaker 1: redirect the conversation right. This can be a huge, huge
Speaker 1: win for you, and it makes it easier on the
Speaker 1: other person as well, because they kind of get the
Speaker 1: message through other people. Now, the next one I'm going
Speaker 1: to share with you maybe a slightly risky strategy, but
Speaker 1: it's something that's worth considering. It's inspired by this beautiful
Speaker 1: quote from Russell Barkley where he said that the children
Speaker 1: who need the most love often ask for it in
Speaker 1: the most unloving ways. What I find is that people
Speaker 1: who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature
Speaker 1: in a setting are often people who feel unloved or
Speaker 1: unheard or unseen themselves, and usually their comments about other
Speaker 1: people are a way of getting attention, a way of
Speaker 1: feeling superior, or a way of feeling interesting. And while
Speaker 1: our job is not to think that's okay or condone it,
Speaker 1: we can look at that and recognize that this person
Speaker 1: is feeling unvalidated. This person is feeling unimportant, and this
Speaker 1: person is probably feeling insignificant. And we see this again
Speaker 1: and again and again. And what's really interesting about this
Speaker 1: is I've often seen that if I can be thoughtfully,
Speaker 1: genuinely loving towards this individual, then there may be an opportunity.
Speaker 1: That's if I have the ability to do that. You
Speaker 1: may say, do you have no ability to do that?
Speaker 1: Totally respect it, But if I can, if I can,
Speaker 1: I have found that it can actually be revolutionary for
Speaker 1: my relationship with them. So I try my best in
Speaker 1: every scenario that I'm in to say, Okay, how do
Speaker 1: I demonstrate love and affection to this person in a
Speaker 1: genuine way, not in a fake way, not as a technique.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm going to compliment something they're wearing. Maybe I'm
Speaker 1: going to congratulate them on the news that I heard
Speaker 1: about them. Maybe I'm going to ask them a question
Speaker 1: that's open, and then acknowledge the greatness or something good
Speaker 1: about what they've done right. And what that does is
Speaker 1: it gives that person an opportunity. Now, if you do
Speaker 1: this with an expectation that, oh, this person's now going
Speaker 1: to be nice to me, that's going to set you
Speaker 1: up for failure, because they may not. But what it
Speaker 1: does is it sets them up with an opportunity to
Speaker 1: show you that they may not feel that way anymore,
Speaker 1: that they may have not changed, but you may set
Speaker 1: them off on a different track. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that you have the power to do this and that
Speaker 1: you can do it and all that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: but it's worth a shot. It's worth the opportunity to
Speaker 1: compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them on something. Give
Speaker 1: it an opportunity. I know some of your thinking, you've
Speaker 1: already tried this before and they still the same person.
Speaker 1: I get it, totally fair, but give it a go.
Speaker 1: Give it a go, because you might proactively be able
Speaker 1: to alter the direction of the evening simply by showing
Speaker 1: them some affection in a genuine way, not as a technique. Now,
Speaker 1: a couple more tips that I want to share with you.
Speaker 1: This one's really important. It's okay to vent afterwards. If
Speaker 1: you had a painful night, people went loving, you know,
Speaker 1: people said things they shouldn't have said, someone commented about
Speaker 1: something that really rubbed you the wrong way. It's so
Speaker 1: okay to vent afterwards. I think a lot of us
Speaker 1: also guilt ourselves. We go I should be grateful for family,
Speaker 1: and I should be grateful for everything around me. And
Speaker 1: I think this is kind of where the gratitude movement
Speaker 1: can go wrong, where we go, well, I just have
Speaker 1: to be grateful for everything, don't I? Because you know,
Speaker 1: I had Christmas dinner and I could be with my family.
Speaker 1: I should be grateful for that, shouldn't I. And I
Speaker 1: think so many of us get trapped in this false
Speaker 1: sense of gratitude where we're not acknowledging how we genuinely feel.
Speaker 1: If you need to vent, if you need to talk
Speaker 1: about it, if you need to let it out, be
Speaker 1: grateful for the fact that you have a friend or
Speaker 1: a family member to do that with. But don't use
Speaker 1: gratitude as a way to suppress your feelings. Don't use
Speaker 1: gratitude as a way to put your emotions aside and
Speaker 1: gloss over them, because what happens is when we do that,
Speaker 1: that's when we erupt. So most of the time when
Speaker 1: we erupt in a family dinner or a meeting is because
Speaker 1: we've been trying to convince ourselves like I should be grateful,
Speaker 1: I should be thankful, I should be okay, okay, I
Speaker 1: should be fine. And it's almost like you're trying to
Speaker 1: put a lid on something, but it keeps popping off, right,
Speaker 1: You're trying to put the lid. You're trying to hold
Speaker 1: it down so bad, but it's just trying to get out.
Speaker 1: So some of you may be able to genuinely be like, no,
Speaker 1: I am grateful and I can let this go. But
Speaker 1: for some of you who's been repetitive for who it's
Speaker 1: continued to kind of build up for, that may be challenging,
Speaker 1: that may be difficult, And so I want you to
Speaker 1: give yourself the space to vent afterwards. Now, a few
Speaker 1: things that are important. You want to pick someone that's
Speaker 1: loyal and private. You don't want to speak to someone
Speaker 1: who you know is going to go and tell that
Speaker 1: person or go and stir and create more issues. We've
Speaker 1: all been there with family as well. Find the person
Speaker 1: that you're thinking, Okay, I can trust this person. They're
Speaker 1: not going to go and tell anyone else. Second of all,
Speaker 1: you want to find someone who is wanting to support
Speaker 1: you both when you're in the space and outside of
Speaker 1: the space, because you need someone who themselves recognizes that
Speaker 1: it's a challenge, right. You don't want it to be
Speaker 1: someone who's trying to walk you out of it, talk
Speaker 1: you out of it, especially if it's got really, really bad.
Speaker 1: And the other thing I say, the reason why I
Speaker 1: say event afterwards is because often what we do is
Speaker 1: we vent before, so we'll say things like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this person, they're always like this, they're like that. And
Speaker 1: now what we've done is we've convinced ourselves that it's
Speaker 1: war that when we go in there, we're already on
Speaker 1: the defensive. That's not necessarily preparation. It can actually be
Speaker 1: putting ourselves in a position of weakness. Whereas when we
Speaker 1: vent afterwards, we get a sense of like, well, how
Speaker 1: did it go. Let's actually review it, and maybe it
Speaker 1: wasn't as bad as we thought. Maybe we've made it
Speaker 1: worse in our mind and There's a famous quote from
Speaker 1: Seneca set who said, we we suffer twice, once in
Speaker 1: imagination and once in reality. Right, we suffer twice. We
Speaker 1: suffer in the build up, and then we suffer at
Speaker 1: the time. And that shift of mindset that I was
Speaker 1: talking about earlier can actually shift how we deal with
Speaker 1: it now. Number seven really important and mirrors some of
Speaker 1: what we've said. But when you're not trying to fix
Speaker 1: it and fight it out, often you find that that
Speaker 1: person is so set on bringing up a trigger topic. Right,
Speaker 1: how many times have you felt this where they're just
Speaker 1: obsessed to find a way to get under your skin.
Speaker 1: And what's really interesting is that in that time we
Speaker 1: know that we don't want to let them get under
Speaker 1: our skin, but we do, and we're actually giving them
Speaker 1: the satisfaction of doing it. If someone's trying to get
Speaker 1: under your skin and you don't let them get under it,
Speaker 1: what do you think annoys them more? Right, whether they
Speaker 1: succeeded or whether they didn't succeed. And I think for
Speaker 1: so many of us we allow one the joy of
Speaker 1: having God under our skin and so use that competitive
Speaker 1: spirit and say, you know what, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: let them get under my skin. I'm better than that,
Speaker 1: I'm stronger than that. I don't need to let that happen,
Speaker 1: and there's no need for me to let it get
Speaker 1: that far. And allowing yourself to use that competitive mindset
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, I'm not going to let
Speaker 1: them do it, and that's going to be an achievement
Speaker 1: for me. Sometimes we have to set a goal of
Speaker 1: not being triggered because we're using that desire of saying
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get triggered because I don't want
Speaker 1: them to get the satisfaction. I don't want them to
Speaker 1: trigger me and then get that as well. Right, So
Speaker 1: that's a great way to think about how to address
Speaker 1: it differently. I want to thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to today, and I really hope that you give
Speaker 1: it an opportunity to try some of these principles, to
Speaker 1: try some of these out in practice. Remember the first
Speaker 1: thing I want you to check out is building a
Speaker 1: pre party practice. The second thing is resetting your expectations.
Speaker 1: The thirdies don't try to fix it or fight it out.
Speaker 1: Remember it's not that you're a bad fighter or a
Speaker 1: bad fixer. You're bad at timing and make someone else
Speaker 1: aware who can have your back. That's a really, really
Speaker 1: powerful point. Make sure you give it an opportunity to
Speaker 1: compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them over something surprising.
Speaker 1: You may not even realize that you have something in common,
Speaker 1: something you can talk about. Maybe it's sports, maybe it's
Speaker 1: something that someone in the family is going through. Maybe
Speaker 1: there's something you can connect with them on that isn't triggering.
Speaker 1: And finally, make sure that you give yourself space to
Speaker 1: vent and make sure that you're avoiding those trigger topics
Speaker 1: or changing them up. Thank you so much for listening
Speaker 1: to today. I hope this helps you. I hope it
Speaker 1: helps your family. I know that some of these ideas
Speaker 1: you'll be like Jeff, I've thought about that, I've struggled,
Speaker 1: but sometimes we just need another reminder. I hope that
Speaker 1: this has been that reassuring reminder. I want you to
Speaker 1: have the best time during the holidays. I want you
Speaker 1: to have really beautiful moments and making great memories. And
Speaker 1: I'll speak to you all very very soon. I'll see
Speaker 1: you all very very soon. Thanks for tuning in again,
Speaker 1: thank you for posting how much you've been listening to
Speaker 1: on purpose. I'm so, so deeply grateful. And I will
Speaker 1: see you all very very soon. Thank you so much everyone,