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Speaker 1: The children who need the most love often ask for

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Speaker 1: it in the most unloving ways. What I find is

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Speaker 1: that people who usually stir up trouble or have this

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Speaker 1: toxic nature are often people who feel unloved or unheard

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Speaker 1: or unseen themselves. Usually their comments about other people are

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Speaker 1: a way of getting attention, a way of feeling superior,

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Speaker 1: or a way of feeling interesting. Hey everyone, welcome back

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Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one mental health podcast in

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Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you

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Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow,

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Speaker 1: it has been an incredible twenty twenty three. I want

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Speaker 1: to thank you all for posting how On Purpose is

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Speaker 1: your most listened to podcast this year, or even if

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Speaker 1: it's second, or third or fourth on your list. I

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Speaker 1: love you, I appreciate you you, I genuinely I'm so

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Speaker 1: grateful for your love and support. And we're only getting started,

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Speaker 1: We're only getting better. I want to make sure that

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Speaker 1: you've subscribed to the podcast, make sure that you've left

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Speaker 1: a review. All of this helps podcasts and also means

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Speaker 1: you'll never miss an episode. They did an iOS update recently,

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Speaker 1: and it meant that your podcast app is not downloading

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Speaker 1: the latest podcast immediately, so a lot of people were

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Speaker 1: asking me, Jay, wait a minute, have you not uploaded

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Speaker 1: a new podcast. No, we're uploading two new podcasts every

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Speaker 1: single week, Monday and Friday. Every Monday, you're going to

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Speaker 1: get a guest. Every Friday, you're going to get me.

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Speaker 1: And I don't want you to miss out. And of

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Speaker 1: course we have over four and a half years of

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Speaker 1: episodes for you to listen to, which means you could

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Speaker 1: listen to an episode of on Purpose every day if

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Speaker 1: that's what you want. Now, this episode is extremely timely,

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Speaker 1: and I'm doing it because whenever I'm traveling, whenever I'm

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Speaker 1: meeting lots of you. One of the biggest questions I

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Speaker 1: get is, Jay, how do I deal with my family?

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Speaker 1: My family creates so much toxicity in my life. My

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Speaker 1: family creates so much negativity in my life. If that

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Speaker 1: sounds like you, this episode is for you. Now. This

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Speaker 1: isn't to say you don't love your family. The people

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Speaker 1: that are saying this love their families. It's not that

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Speaker 1: there is something hugely abusive that's happening. But there is

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Speaker 1: a sense of discomfort, there's a sense of stress, there's

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Speaker 1: a sense of pressure. This isn't just about general holiday pressure.

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Speaker 1: This is about pressure from specific people you know you're

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Speaker 1: going to have to spend time with. And that's why

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Speaker 1: it gets particularly amplified during the holiday season because you

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Speaker 1: almost have no way out. Maybe Christmas dinner is already set,

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Speaker 1: maybe New Year's Eve is already set. All of these

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Speaker 1: things can lead to a lot of stress and pressure.

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Speaker 1: A lot of that stress and pressure comes in the

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Speaker 1: build up, right, There's a lot of worry and anxiety

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Speaker 1: that just kicks in in the build up, even before

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Speaker 1: you've got to the day, what to speak of the

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Speaker 1: day itself. So I hope that the next few tips

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Speaker 1: that I'm going to share with you are going to

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Speaker 1: help you lower that stress, deal with that anxiety better,

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Speaker 1: and learn how to navigate those situations. And I want

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Speaker 1: to start off by sharing this. Think back to when

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Speaker 1: you used to go clubbing, and you're thinking, Jay, I

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Speaker 1: still go clubbing. Got it understood. I used to go clubbing,

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Speaker 1: But I remember when I used to we would always

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Speaker 1: do pre drinks, right, whether it was in someone's college

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Speaker 1: dorm room, whether it's someone's apartment, whether it was outside

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Speaker 1: the club, right, whatever was possible with our budget at

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Speaker 1: the time. But there was always this idea of pre drinks,

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Speaker 1: and the idea of pre drinks is it would get

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Speaker 1: you in the zone, you get to hang out with everyone,

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Speaker 1: and it would be a more casual atmosphere. But it

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Speaker 1: prepared you for the night, It prepared the tone, It

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Speaker 1: prepared your mindset right, not even if you saw it

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Speaker 1: that way, but that was the point of it. So

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Speaker 1: what we need during the holidays is a pre party practice.

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Speaker 1: Instead of a pre party drink session, we need a

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Speaker 1: pre party practice. If you've got a party to go to,

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Speaker 1: if you've got an event to go to, if you've

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Speaker 1: got your family's home to go to, you need to

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Speaker 1: create a practice or a ritual that gets you in

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Speaker 1: the right mindset. Now, for some of you, it could

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Speaker 1: be breath work. This is a big one. For me.

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Speaker 1: I find that when I'm anxious, my breath is what

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Speaker 1: gets out of control. Now, if you've read Think like

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Speaker 1: a Monk or heard Think like a Monk, you'll know

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Speaker 1: this example. But it's something that's worth repeating. When I

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Speaker 1: first saw a young monk teaching other younger monks on

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Speaker 1: their first day of school, when I asked him what

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Speaker 1: he was teaching them, he said he was teaching them

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Speaker 1: how to breathe. This obviously blew my mind because it

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Speaker 1: was a ten year old monk telling me this. And

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Speaker 1: I said to him, why do you teach them how

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Speaker 1: to breathe? And he said, well, what did you learn

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Speaker 1: at school? And I was like, I think I learned one, two, three,

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Speaker 1: and ABC. And he said, well, we teach them how

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Speaker 1: to breathe because the only thing that stays with you

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Speaker 1: from the moment you're born to the moment you die

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Speaker 1: is your breath. And he said, what changes when you're

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Speaker 1: happy your breath? What changes when you're sad your breath?

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Speaker 1: What changes when you're elated your breath? And what changes

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Speaker 1: when you're exhausted your breath. Your breath is intertwined with

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Speaker 1: every emotion in your life, So if you learn how

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Speaker 1: to navigate your breath, you can navigate life. Now. This

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Speaker 1: has had such a profound impact on me ever since

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Speaker 1: I heard it, because I started to recognize how all

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Speaker 1: of my emotions had a different breath pattern. Even why

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Speaker 1: we use the language like you take my breath away,

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Speaker 1: or that was breath taking right, or let me catch

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Speaker 1: a breath, I'm out of breath right. Breath is re

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Speaker 1: connected to all of those emotions. So you may find

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Speaker 1: that in the build up to going out, you start

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Speaker 1: breathing shallower and you start breathing quicker. Now, when that

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Speaker 1: starts to happen, it's natural to panic. Maybe you experience sweat,

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Speaker 1: Maybe you need to talk to your partner or a

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Speaker 1: loved one that's going to the event, and you're just

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Speaker 1: pouring out and struggling and stressing about it all. I've

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Speaker 1: found that a pre party practice of breath work can

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Speaker 1: be huge. So what you want to practice is this.

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Speaker 1: You want to breathe in for a count of four,

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Speaker 1: and you want to exhale for account of more than four.

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Speaker 1: You want your exhale to be longer than you're inhale,

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Speaker 1: and that will slow your heart rate down. If you

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Speaker 1: repeat that ten times, you will feel your breath get

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Speaker 1: deeper and you will feel your heart rate gets slower

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Speaker 1: as well. Try that out before as a pre party practice.

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Speaker 1: Now another one of your pre party practices. Maybe for you,

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Speaker 1: what really helps is listening to a song that puts

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Speaker 1: you in a good mood. You're gonna get your dance

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Speaker 1: on right. Everyone's been doing the David Beckham challenge. You've

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Speaker 1: probably seeing me and my wife do it and I

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Speaker 1: failed to get to dance. But maybe you're gonna get

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Speaker 1: your partner, maybe gonna dance, maybe you're gonna move. That

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Speaker 1: can really get you in the right zone to put

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Speaker 1: yourself in the mindset of I'm gonna have fun tonight.

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Speaker 1: I think there's two types of mindsets before you go somewhere.

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Speaker 1: It's like, I'm either going to try to not have

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Speaker 1: a bad time or I'm going to make sure it's

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Speaker 1: a good time. And I think that often what we

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Speaker 1: end up settling for is I hope it's a good time. Now,

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Speaker 1: there's a big difference between I'm going to make it

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Speaker 1: a good time, I hope it's a good time, or

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Speaker 1: I'm going to avoid a bad time. Right, They're very

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Speaker 1: different mindsets walk down each of those. So the idea

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Speaker 1: of God, I hope it's not as bad as I

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Speaker 1: think it's going to be. The challenge with that is

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Speaker 1: you are still leaving the success of the evening up

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Speaker 1: to other people. So the idea of I hope it's

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Speaker 1: not as bad as I think it's going to be.

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Speaker 1: You're hoping. Hoping means you're helpless in how it's going

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Speaker 1: to go. You're saying you don't have any impact or

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Speaker 1: any control, or any skew or steer as to how

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Speaker 1: this evening can go. You have surrendered yourself powerless, and

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Speaker 1: now you're walking into a space allowing for it to

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Speaker 1: be what it's going to be. That doesn't work. We've

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Speaker 1: all tried that before. The other way to do it

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Speaker 1: is say I hope it's going to be good. Now

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Speaker 1: you're doing the opposite. At least you've added a positive

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Speaker 1: twist to it, but again you're still hoping. You're still

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Speaker 1: allowing the circumstances and whatever happens in the environment to

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Speaker 1: define how you feel. And the third is I'm going

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Speaker 1: to make today a great night. I'm going to make

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Speaker 1: sure I have fun. I'm going to create opportunities for

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Speaker 1: connection and fun. And this mindset, what it does is

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Speaker 1: it takes your power back. Notice how this isn't positive thinking,

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Speaker 1: This isn't fooling yourself. It's not tricking yourself. It's actually

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Speaker 1: coming at it from the point of view of saying,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I know myself. I understand myself. I

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Speaker 1: accept that there are things tonight that are not going

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Speaker 1: to be easy, but I still know how to have

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Speaker 1: a good time. You're reclaiming your power, you're reclaiming your focus,

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Speaker 1: and you're reclaiming your strength. And that's exactly what we

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Speaker 1: need to do in these scenarios. Now, having done that,

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Speaker 1: so you've got a pre party practice right first of all,

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Speaker 1: could be refining your intention or your mindset as we

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Speaker 1: just did. It could be doing the breath work practice.

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Speaker 1: It could be dancing, putting on a song you love,

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Speaker 1: setting yourself up. So what you want to do is

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Speaker 1: make sure that in your schedule you have a pre

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Speaker 1: party practice set up for you to do. It sounds crazy,

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Speaker 1: but I promise you will help you so much. It

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Speaker 1: could even be rehearsing your answers to the questions that

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Speaker 1: you know you're going to get asked, so you know

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Speaker 1: that annoying person in your family is going to say

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Speaker 1: when are you getting married or are you dating anyone yet? Right,

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Speaker 1: The relationship questions are often the hardest ones. Maybe you've

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Speaker 1: just been through a breakup. Maybe you had a great

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Speaker 1: relationship that didn't quite work out. Maybe you took someone

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Speaker 1: over last year and this year you're not with them anymore.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're with someone but you're not ready to get married.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you don't want to get married, right, maybe you

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Speaker 1: don't want to have kids, whatever it may be, you

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Speaker 1: know what those questions are going to be. Having rehearsed answers,

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Speaker 1: practiced answers allows you to set yourself up to win.

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Speaker 1: So often what I'll do is before an event are

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Speaker 1: write down the questions are most likely to get asked,

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Speaker 1: almost like a FAQ's right. Frequently ask questions like on

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Speaker 1: a website. Write out your FAQs and then write out

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Speaker 1: your answers practiced, so that when the arts question is asked,

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Speaker 1: which it inevitably will, you're not surprised by it. I

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Speaker 1: think this is something that a lot of people make

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Speaker 1: a mistake about, where what we're doing is we're standing

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Speaker 1: there the whole time hoping don't ask me that question,

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Speaker 1: don't ask me that question, or if he asked me

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Speaker 1: that question, I'm gonna flip out, or if if they

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Speaker 1: go there, I'm gonna you know, I'm gonna lose it.

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Speaker 1: They are going to go there. They are going to

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Speaker 1: go there. This is all about resetting expectations, right. They

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Speaker 1: are going to go there. They are going to be annoying,

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Speaker 1: they are going to be frustrating, they are going to

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Speaker 1: be inappropriate, it will happen, and therefore you being prepared

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Speaker 1: is far better than you setting yourself up for failure.

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Speaker 1: And that's often what we do, is we set ourselves

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Speaker 1: up for failure because we hope and wish and wait

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Speaker 1: rather than predict, plan and prepare. We don't want to hope,

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Speaker 1: wish and wait and worry. That leads to worrying, not

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Speaker 1: only in the build up but even on the evening.

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Speaker 1: Whereas if we're prepared, predictive, and plan, and we're now

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Speaker 1: ready to answer those questions, So make sure you write

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Speaker 1: down the FAQs. Oh you know, did you not get

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Speaker 1: promoted this year? Whatever it is, right, write down those

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Speaker 1: predictive questions and have your answers ready now. Point number

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Speaker 1: three is often if it's been bubbling, especially right, Like

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Speaker 1: I know someone who is telling me that whenever they

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Speaker 1: get asked about you know, why they're not dating yet,

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Speaker 1: it really gets under their skin because the truth is

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Speaker 1: the reason why it triggers us is because we're struggling

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Speaker 1: with it. Right, if you're not struggling with something and

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Speaker 1: someone criticizes you, it usually doesn't trigger you. Right if

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Speaker 1: you don't care about how you dress and someone comments

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Speaker 1: on what you're wearing, you won't care. But if you

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Speaker 1: do care about the fact that you've been struggling in

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Speaker 1: dating and someone says something, it triggers you much worse. Right,

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Speaker 1: it's natural. And they were saying to me that whenever

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Speaker 1: they got asked this question, it really irks them and

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Speaker 1: they just want this person to understand that it's inappropriate

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Speaker 1: to ask that. Now, I agree that people ask and

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Speaker 1: say things that I wish they didn't say, and I

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Speaker 1: agree that often it is malicious. It's not like it's

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Speaker 1: something you just have to let go of. But what

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Speaker 1: I've discovered is that family gatherings are rarely the place

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Speaker 1: to fix or fight things out right. It's rarely the

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Speaker 1: place that you're going to have a healthy debate and

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Speaker 1: a discussion that leads to a resolution because emotions are

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Speaker 1: high for everyone. Everyone is worrying about what everyone else

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Speaker 1: is thinking of them, and often the person who tries

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Speaker 1: to solve the problem ends up looking like the problem. Right.

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Speaker 1: Have you ever experienced that before where you're the one

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Speaker 1: trying to solve the problem, but you end up looking

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Speaker 1: like the problem, and now everyone thinks that you ruined Christmas?

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Speaker 1: Right like that, and that isn't true. It's not right,

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Speaker 1: but it is human psychology because everyone feels like they're

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Speaker 1: on display, they're trying to have a good time. The

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Speaker 1: person who gets triggered, even if it's truly valid, isn't

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Speaker 1: going to be seen as the person who's fixing. They're

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Speaker 1: going to be seen as the person who's fighting it out.

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Speaker 1: And so what I often find is that in this scenario,

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Speaker 1: if you can remind yourself, hey, if I want to

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Speaker 1: fix this, I need to approach it at a different time.

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Speaker 1: If I want to fight it out, I need to

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Speaker 1: approach it at a different time. It's not always the

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Speaker 1: right time to fix something, and it's not always the

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Speaker 1: right time to fight something. And fixing and fighting about

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Speaker 1: something is far more about timing than we give it

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Speaker 1: credit for. We don't lose fights because we're bad at fighting.

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Speaker 1: We often lose fights because we get our timing wrong. Right,

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Speaker 1: It's not that you're bad at fighting, it's that you're

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Speaker 1: bad at timing. It's not that you're bad at fixing.

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Speaker 1: It's that you're bad at timing. And I find this

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Speaker 1: over and over and over again, where we don't time

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Speaker 1: conversations effectively. Think about this in general, in life. Right,

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Speaker 1: like someone walks through the door, you say something to

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Speaker 1: them immediately. You wake up in the morning, someone says

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Speaker 1: something to you immediately. Most of our conversations that are

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable are had at the wrong time. And if you

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Speaker 1: can get the timing right, which isn't the holiday dinner,

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Speaker 1: which isn't the holiday event, chances are you may be

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Speaker 1: able to get to some resolution. So don't try and

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Speaker 1: fix it and fight it out at a time when

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Speaker 1: it's not the right time. And I'm repeating this because

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Speaker 1: I know you're going to need to hear me in

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Speaker 1: your head when you're in that moment, because guess what,

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Speaker 1: when you're valid, when you know that it's right for

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Speaker 1: you to raise this and push this and make something known,

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Speaker 1: and you're also thinking, well, everyone just needs to realize

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Speaker 1: this person's wrong, and you think this is it. This

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Speaker 1: is my moment, right, We've all been there, and by

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Speaker 1: the way, I've been there too. I've made this mistake

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Speaker 1: many times. This segment about connectivity is brought to you

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Speaker 1: by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting changes everything.

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Speaker 1: If you struggle to connect with others, sometimes past experiences

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Speaker 1: like feeling left out tough times or messy relationships can

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Speaker 1: make us throw up these walls. We might not even notice,

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Speaker 1: and guess what, These walls end up isolating us from

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Speaker 1: the very people we want close. Especially now with everyone

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Speaker 1: working from different places and all over the map, staying

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Speaker 1: close to others matters more than ever. It's not just

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Speaker 1: about casual interaction. It's about fostering a sense of belonging, empathy,

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Speaker 1: and shared understanding in a world that's increasingly interconnected yet

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Speaker 1: emotionally distant. Staying connected, especially when miles apart, has become

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Speaker 1: more accessible than ever. Here are some ways to keep

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Speaker 1: those meaningful connections alive, no matter the distance. Number One,

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Speaker 1: video conferencing apps like FaceTime, WhatsApp, Zoom, and Skype are

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Speaker 1: your portal to a more connected world. From daily catchups

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Speaker 1: with loved ones to brainstorming sessions with colleagues, These moments

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Speaker 1: brids that physical gap and remind us that we're not alone. Two.

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Speaker 1: Hosting virtual events ever thought about live streaming special events

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Speaker 1: like birthdays, anniversaries, or even weddings. It's all possible with

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Speaker 1: the use of video platforms. But it's not just about

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Speaker 1: the big moments. Plan a virtual hang out with friends

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Speaker 1: for a book club session, or maybe doing a online

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Speaker 1: games night. It's like bringing the fun right into your

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Speaker 1: living room, no matter where everyone actually is. Number three

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Speaker 1: Create a Netflix party movie nights with friends and family.

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Speaker 1: Take on a whole new vibe with Netflix Party, sync

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Speaker 1: up your shows and chat away in a group chat

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Speaker 1: while watching together. It's like having a cozy movie night,

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Speaker 1: but with everyone sprawled across different couches. Number four Seek

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Speaker 1: support online feeling down or anxious, you're not alone. Online

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Speaker 1: therapy is a powerful resource to lean on when things

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Speaker 1: get tough. Connecting with an online therapist can offer that

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Speaker 1: support and guidance you need even when physical closeness isn't

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Speaker 1: an option. I hope these tools can help you build

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Speaker 1: meaningful connections with the people around you and decrease any

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Speaker 1: sense or feeling of isolation. This has been brought to

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Speaker 1: you by AT and T. AT and T believes connecting inspires, unites, heals,

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Speaker 1: and helps us grow. Connecting changes how we live our

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Speaker 1: lives for the better. Number four really important. Make someone

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Speaker 1: else aware who can have your back. I think in

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Speaker 1: these moments where you're not going to defend yourself or

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Speaker 1: fight it or fix it out, it's great to have

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Speaker 1: someone else who has your back and mixes it. So

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Speaker 1: if you've told a family member or friend and said, look,

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Speaker 1: I really don't appreciate being asked these questions. When someone

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Speaker 1: asks me and you see me get a bit uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: and you know, it's hard for me to just let

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Speaker 1: it slide. Do you mind just stepping in and say, hey, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know, like they're doing great at work right now, Well,

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Speaker 1: you know, actually things are going great, like, you know,

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Speaker 1: let's talk about this, and they can change the topic,

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Speaker 1: so they're also not ruining the vibe, but that they

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Speaker 1: can step in and help you. And I think we

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Speaker 1: often are scared to ask for help, and then afterwards

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Speaker 1: we'll look at someone say well, why didn't you say anything?

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Speaker 1: And thelso when I didn't know you wanted me to

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Speaker 1: run to your I didn't want to feel like you

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Speaker 1: needed support, right, So that idea of why you know,

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Speaker 1: we don't ask for help, and then afterwards we'll be like, well,

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Speaker 1: why didn't you help me, and the person says, well,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know you needed it. So selecting your allies right,

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Speaker 1: selecting your allies and communicating with them beforehand. This is

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Speaker 1: a strategy that's often used in business meetings where if

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Speaker 1: you're presenting a new idea, or you know you're going

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Speaker 1: to have to respond to an idea, you've already got

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Speaker 1: everyone's buying in the room, so that when you present

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Speaker 1: it or when you respond, people are already on side.

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Speaker 1: And often in our families, we don't realize how much

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Speaker 1: people need to know this and how much people need

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Speaker 1: to be aware. So feel free to speak to a

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Speaker 1: couple of people and say, look, I find this really uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not asking you to save the day. I'm

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Speaker 1: not asking you to interject and create a scene either,

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Speaker 1: but I'd love for you to help me to just

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Speaker 1: redirect the conversation right. This can be a huge, huge

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Speaker 1: win for you, and it makes it easier on the

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Speaker 1: other person as well, because they kind of get the

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Speaker 1: message through other people. Now, the next one I'm going

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Speaker 1: to share with you maybe a slightly risky strategy, but

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Speaker 1: it's something that's worth considering. It's inspired by this beautiful

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Speaker 1: quote from Russell Barkley where he said that the children

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Speaker 1: who need the most love often ask for it in

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Speaker 1: the most unloving ways. What I find is that people

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Speaker 1: who usually stir up trouble or have this toxic nature

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Speaker 1: in a setting are often people who feel unloved or

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Speaker 1: unheard or unseen themselves, and usually their comments about other

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Speaker 1: people are a way of getting attention, a way of

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Speaker 1: feeling superior, or a way of feeling interesting. And while

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Speaker 1: our job is not to think that's okay or condone it,

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Speaker 1: we can look at that and recognize that this person

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Speaker 1: is feeling unvalidated. This person is feeling unimportant, and this

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Speaker 1: person is probably feeling insignificant. And we see this again

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Speaker 1: and again and again. And what's really interesting about this

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Speaker 1: is I've often seen that if I can be thoughtfully,

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Speaker 1: genuinely loving towards this individual, then there may be an opportunity.

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Speaker 1: That's if I have the ability to do that. You

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Speaker 1: may say, do you have no ability to do that?

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Speaker 1: Totally respect it, But if I can, if I can,

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Speaker 1: I have found that it can actually be revolutionary for

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Speaker 1: my relationship with them. So I try my best in

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Speaker 1: every scenario that I'm in to say, Okay, how do

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Speaker 1: I demonstrate love and affection to this person in a

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Speaker 1: genuine way, not in a fake way, not as a technique.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I'm going to compliment something they're wearing. Maybe I'm

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Speaker 1: going to congratulate them on the news that I heard

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Speaker 1: about them. Maybe I'm going to ask them a question

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Speaker 1: that's open, and then acknowledge the greatness or something good

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Speaker 1: about what they've done right. And what that does is

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Speaker 1: it gives that person an opportunity. Now, if you do

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Speaker 1: this with an expectation that, oh, this person's now going

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Speaker 1: to be nice to me, that's going to set you

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Speaker 1: up for failure, because they may not. But what it

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Speaker 1: does is it sets them up with an opportunity to

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Speaker 1: show you that they may not feel that way anymore,

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Speaker 1: that they may have not changed, but you may set

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Speaker 1: them off on a different track. And I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: that you have the power to do this and that

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Speaker 1: you can do it and all that kind of stuff,

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Speaker 1: but it's worth a shot. It's worth the opportunity to

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Speaker 1: compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them on something. Give

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Speaker 1: it an opportunity. I know some of your thinking, you've

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Speaker 1: already tried this before and they still the same person.

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Speaker 1: I get it, totally fair, but give it a go.

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Speaker 1: Give it a go, because you might proactively be able

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Speaker 1: to alter the direction of the evening simply by showing

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Speaker 1: them some affection in a genuine way, not as a technique. Now,

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Speaker 1: a couple more tips that I want to share with you.

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Speaker 1: This one's really important. It's okay to vent afterwards. If

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Speaker 1: you had a painful night, people went loving, you know,

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Speaker 1: people said things they shouldn't have said, someone commented about

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Speaker 1: something that really rubbed you the wrong way. It's so

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Speaker 1: okay to vent afterwards. I think a lot of us

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Speaker 1: also guilt ourselves. We go I should be grateful for family,

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Speaker 1: and I should be grateful for everything around me. And

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Speaker 1: I think this is kind of where the gratitude movement

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Speaker 1: can go wrong, where we go, well, I just have

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Speaker 1: to be grateful for everything, don't I? Because you know,

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Speaker 1: I had Christmas dinner and I could be with my family.

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Speaker 1: I should be grateful for that, shouldn't I. And I

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Speaker 1: think so many of us get trapped in this false

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Speaker 1: sense of gratitude where we're not acknowledging how we genuinely feel.

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Speaker 1: If you need to vent, if you need to talk

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Speaker 1: about it, if you need to let it out, be

428
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,800
Speaker 1: grateful for the fact that you have a friend or

429
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 1: a family member to do that with. But don't use

430
00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,760
Speaker 1: gratitude as a way to suppress your feelings. Don't use

431
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:05,359
Speaker 1: gratitude as a way to put your emotions aside and

432
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,400
Speaker 1: gloss over them, because what happens is when we do that,

433
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,120
Speaker 1: that's when we erupt. So most of the time when

434
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,640
Speaker 1: we erupt in a family dinner or a meeting is because

435
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: we've been trying to convince ourselves like I should be grateful,

436
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 1: I should be thankful, I should be okay, okay, I

437
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,080
Speaker 1: should be fine. And it's almost like you're trying to

438
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:23,720
Speaker 1: put a lid on something, but it keeps popping off, right,

439
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,440
Speaker 1: You're trying to put the lid. You're trying to hold

440
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,400
Speaker 1: it down so bad, but it's just trying to get out.

441
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,960
Speaker 1: So some of you may be able to genuinely be like, no,

442
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,720
Speaker 1: I am grateful and I can let this go. But

443
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 1: for some of you who's been repetitive for who it's

444
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,600
Speaker 1: continued to kind of build up for, that may be challenging,

445
00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,080
Speaker 1: that may be difficult, And so I want you to

446
00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 1: give yourself the space to vent afterwards. Now, a few

447
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 1: things that are important. You want to pick someone that's

448
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,160
Speaker 1: loyal and private. You don't want to speak to someone

449
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,679
Speaker 1: who you know is going to go and tell that

450
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,280
Speaker 1: person or go and stir and create more issues. We've

451
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: all been there with family as well. Find the person

452
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,480
Speaker 1: that you're thinking, Okay, I can trust this person. They're

453
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,200
Speaker 1: not going to go and tell anyone else. Second of all,

454
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:09,760
Speaker 1: you want to find someone who is wanting to support

455
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:13,159
Speaker 1: you both when you're in the space and outside of

456
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,919
Speaker 1: the space, because you need someone who themselves recognizes that

457
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,119
Speaker 1: it's a challenge, right. You don't want it to be

458
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,000
Speaker 1: someone who's trying to walk you out of it, talk

459
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,480
Speaker 1: you out of it, especially if it's got really, really bad.

460
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,399
Speaker 1: And the other thing I say, the reason why I

461
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,840
Speaker 1: say event afterwards is because often what we do is

462
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 1: we vent before, so we'll say things like, oh my god,

463
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,919
Speaker 1: this person, they're always like this, they're like that. And

464
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: now what we've done is we've convinced ourselves that it's

465
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,800
Speaker 1: war that when we go in there, we're already on

466
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 1: the defensive. That's not necessarily preparation. It can actually be

467
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 1: putting ourselves in a position of weakness. Whereas when we

468
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,760
Speaker 1: vent afterwards, we get a sense of like, well, how

469
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,159
Speaker 1: did it go. Let's actually review it, and maybe it

470
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,399
Speaker 1: wasn't as bad as we thought. Maybe we've made it

471
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 1: worse in our mind and There's a famous quote from

472
00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:01,960
Speaker 1: Seneca set who said, we we suffer twice, once in

473
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 1: imagination and once in reality. Right, we suffer twice. We

474
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 1: suffer in the build up, and then we suffer at

475
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 1: the time. And that shift of mindset that I was

476
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,439
Speaker 1: talking about earlier can actually shift how we deal with

477
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:19,639
Speaker 1: it now. Number seven really important and mirrors some of

478
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,800
Speaker 1: what we've said. But when you're not trying to fix

479
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 1: it and fight it out, often you find that that

480
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 1: person is so set on bringing up a trigger topic. Right,

481
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,679
Speaker 1: how many times have you felt this where they're just

482
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:35,119
Speaker 1: obsessed to find a way to get under your skin.

483
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:39,040
Speaker 1: And what's really interesting is that in that time we

484
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 1: know that we don't want to let them get under

485
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,080
Speaker 1: our skin, but we do, and we're actually giving them

486
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,600
Speaker 1: the satisfaction of doing it. If someone's trying to get

487
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,480
Speaker 1: under your skin and you don't let them get under it,

488
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:53,560
Speaker 1: what do you think annoys them more? Right, whether they

489
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,919
Speaker 1: succeeded or whether they didn't succeed. And I think for

490
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 1: so many of us we allow one the joy of

491
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,520
Speaker 1: having God under our skin and so use that competitive

492
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 1: spirit and say, you know what, I'm not going to

493
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,639
Speaker 1: let them get under my skin. I'm better than that,

494
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 1: I'm stronger than that. I don't need to let that happen,

495
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,200
Speaker 1: and there's no need for me to let it get

496
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,800
Speaker 1: that far. And allowing yourself to use that competitive mindset

497
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, I'm not going to let

498
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,680
Speaker 1: them do it, and that's going to be an achievement

499
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,679
Speaker 1: for me. Sometimes we have to set a goal of

500
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 1: not being triggered because we're using that desire of saying

501
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,040
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get triggered because I don't want

502
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 1: them to get the satisfaction. I don't want them to

503
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 1: trigger me and then get that as well. Right, So

504
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,199
Speaker 1: that's a great way to think about how to address

505
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,359
Speaker 1: it differently. I want to thank you so much for

506
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: listening to today, and I really hope that you give

507
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:49,399
Speaker 1: it an opportunity to try some of these principles, to

508
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,680
Speaker 1: try some of these out in practice. Remember the first

509
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,160
Speaker 1: thing I want you to check out is building a

510
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: pre party practice. The second thing is resetting your expectations.

511
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,440
Speaker 1: The thirdies don't try to fix it or fight it out.

512
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,320
Speaker 1: Remember it's not that you're a bad fighter or a

513
00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:07,880
Speaker 1: bad fixer. You're bad at timing and make someone else

514
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 1: aware who can have your back. That's a really, really

515
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 1: powerful point. Make sure you give it an opportunity to

516
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,800
Speaker 1: compliment them, congratulate them, connect with them over something surprising.

517
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 1: You may not even realize that you have something in common,

518
00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 1: something you can talk about. Maybe it's sports, maybe it's

519
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,160
Speaker 1: something that someone in the family is going through. Maybe

520
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,360
Speaker 1: there's something you can connect with them on that isn't triggering.

521
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,919
Speaker 1: And finally, make sure that you give yourself space to

522
00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,600
Speaker 1: vent and make sure that you're avoiding those trigger topics

523
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,200
Speaker 1: or changing them up. Thank you so much for listening

524
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:42,840
Speaker 1: to today. I hope this helps you. I hope it

525
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: helps your family. I know that some of these ideas

526
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 1: you'll be like Jeff, I've thought about that, I've struggled,

527
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:50,800
Speaker 1: but sometimes we just need another reminder. I hope that

528
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:53,920
Speaker 1: this has been that reassuring reminder. I want you to

529
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 1: have the best time during the holidays. I want you

530
00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:00,280
Speaker 1: to have really beautiful moments and making great memories. And

531
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: I'll speak to you all very very soon. I'll see

532
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,960
Speaker 1: you all very very soon. Thanks for tuning in again,

533
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,520
Speaker 1: thank you for posting how much you've been listening to

534
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: on purpose. I'm so, so deeply grateful. And I will

535
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 1: see you all very very soon. Thank you so much everyone,