Speaker 1: I am Yamla. I've been very open about the fact
Speaker 1: that I was not always good at making my relationships work.
Speaker 1: I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person.
Speaker 1: In other words, I have seen a lot and failed
Speaker 1: a lot in my relationships. So I am here to
Speaker 1: share with you what I learned along the way because
Speaker 1: I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot,
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Sometimes
Speaker 1: the right road takes the wrong turn, and sometimes the
Speaker 1: wrong turn will lead us to the right place. We
Speaker 1: don't always understand why certain people, certain situations, certain experiences
Speaker 1: come forward in our life. What I've learned through many,
Speaker 1: many years of trial and error is that things are
Speaker 1: always as they need to be, and there's always more.
Speaker 1: There's always more going on that we can see or
Speaker 1: recognize or understand. The thing is this that when it's
Speaker 1: time for us to heal or grow or evolve in
Speaker 1: some way, life will send us people, circumstances, situations to
Speaker 1: facilitate our healing, our growth, our evolution. And what it
Speaker 1: looks like to us is this is bad, this is wrong.
Speaker 1: That person is bad. They're doing this to me. Will
Speaker 1: sink into the victimhood. But there's always more, and sometimes
Speaker 1: that wrong turn is leading us to the right place.
Speaker 1: We should always consider, all right, there's something more going
Speaker 1: on here. This feels like this, and this looks like this,
Speaker 1: and I'm calling it this, that or the other thing.
Speaker 1: But the truth is some part of me has called
Speaker 1: this in so that I can heal or grow or
Speaker 1: stretch or evolve always, and it's not always easy to
Speaker 1: recognize that the right road can take the wrong turn,
Speaker 1: and the wrong turn can lead us to the right place,
Speaker 1: which is always for our highest good. That's my first
Speaker 1: caller story today. The right road took a wrong turn,
Speaker 1: but it's led her to the R Spot. Take a listen.
Speaker 1: Good morning, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. And
Speaker 1: how can I support you today and moving through whatever
Speaker 1: relationship issue, challenge, dilemma you are facing.
Speaker 2: I'll just start with I've been married for how about
Speaker 2: we've been together twenty years and I had a business
Speaker 2: and I moved to another state to be with my parents.
Speaker 2: I had to close it because I had an injury
Speaker 2: and I met my husband. He wasn't working. I was
Speaker 2: working with two jobs at that time, but we started
Speaker 2: a relationship, and his family didn't approve of me. They
Speaker 2: didn't like me. They never have, and they made comments
Speaker 2: about me, you know, while I'm right there and just
Speaker 2: it's always been very disrespectful. I've always felt disrespected. Now
Speaker 2: we have children, and I moved back home. He came
Speaker 2: with me, and I've stopped visiting over there because I've
Speaker 2: been trying to tell him for years to speak up
Speaker 2: for me, to support me, and he feels like, I
Speaker 2: think it's if he says anything, they won't speak to
Speaker 2: him anymore, or yeah, it's just that's just how it's been.
Speaker 2: And I every time his mother will go around around me.
Speaker 2: We've never had a relationship, so she will go through
Speaker 2: him to get what she needs. Or if she wants
Speaker 2: to send something here, she'll she'll send it without I
Speaker 2: won't even know about it. My husband will just send it,
Speaker 2: and I feel like it's sending her the wrong message
Speaker 2: because he's never really dealt with the issue with his family,
Speaker 2: and I kind of feel like this is coming from
Speaker 2: I have a hard time dealing with this kind of
Speaker 2: stuff because I've I was adopted. My mother was not
Speaker 2: very she was not very affectionate towards me.
Speaker 1: Take a breath, Take a breath, I was. I just
Speaker 1: tell him, wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: don't rush yourself. Let all of that come up. Let
Speaker 1: it come up. We don't have nothing else to do
Speaker 1: right now. What is that? Just take a minute and
Speaker 1: ask yourself. What am I feeling right now? What is this?
Speaker 1: What is it?
Speaker 2: It's the near abandon.
Speaker 1: Yeah, abandoned. Take a breath, don't rush yourself. Where are
Speaker 1: you feeling that in your body?
Speaker 2: In my chest? That always feeling in my chest.
Speaker 1: Okay, So sit right there for a moment, focus your
Speaker 1: attention and your energy on your chest so that you
Speaker 1: can take care of yourself the way maybe nobody else
Speaker 1: ever has. And when you focus in on your chest,
Speaker 1: what does it feel like? What else do you feel?
Speaker 2: I feel like it's been released, it's going away, the tightenment.
Speaker 1: Okay, good, So sit right there for a moment, as
Speaker 1: the grandmothers would say, let's tarry there for a minute.
Speaker 1: Can you do that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Do that? Good? Check and see what else does it feel?
Speaker 1: What does it feel like? Or what are you thinking?
Speaker 2: Ah like? Scared almost a bit?
Speaker 1: Okay? Good, Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. That's okay. Let
Speaker 1: that come up because I'm seeing or sensing or feeling
Speaker 1: and there's a part of you that never felt safe
Speaker 1: enough to cry. Yeah, yeah, because if you cried, what
Speaker 1: would happen? What would happen if you cried?
Speaker 2: I'm trying to remember. Just stop crying?
Speaker 1: Is that what they said? Stop that crying?
Speaker 2: Yeah, stop the crying?
Speaker 1: And then what did they say? Stop that crying?
Speaker 2: And then you're in the other room. Keep your mouth shut? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, come on, breathe, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: Respect me. I don't need to respect you. I mean
Speaker 2: you respect me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, come on, breathe. You're doing good. Come on, you're
Speaker 1: doing good. We just moving that energy out. We're just
Speaker 1: moving it out and I'm gonna sit right here with
Speaker 1: you until it's gone. Okay, you don't have to do
Speaker 1: it by yourself this time. This time, you're not alone. Okay.
Speaker 2: Okay, it's scared and it's angry.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, good. Let's go to the anger for a minute.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna hurt you. It's not gonna hurt you.
Speaker 1: Let's go to the anger, and I want you to
Speaker 1: let the anger use your mouth. Okay, what does the
Speaker 1: anger want to say?
Speaker 2: Why are you trying to turn like kids against me.
Speaker 2: Why are you yea, why are you feeling them with
Speaker 2: Why are you talking bad about me to my children?
Speaker 1: Why are you hurting me? Yeah? Why are you doing
Speaker 1: this to me?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, breathe? How about this one? I want my mommy.
Speaker 1: I just want my mommy. Breathe, come on, ok yeah
Speaker 1: yeah yeah, right there, Yeah, yeah, that's it. Just let
Speaker 1: her weep, baby, It's okay, you're not alone this time. Yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: it's okay, it's okay. Yeah. Yeah, Just let all of
Speaker 1: that come up, all of that come up, because that's
Speaker 1: what gets triggered every time you encounter your mother in law,
Speaker 1: every time she's me to you, every time she doesn't
Speaker 1: hear you, every time she doesn't acknowledge you, when she
Speaker 1: doesn't empathize with you. There's a part of you saying,
Speaker 1: I just want my mommy.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, nobody to run to that I could.
Speaker 1: Go to, yeah, somebody, yeah, somebody that'll hear you, somebody
Speaker 1: that will love you. But because you're holding all of
Speaker 1: this old old energy of hurt and sadness and grief
Speaker 1: and anger, you're just recreating everything that you lived, and
Speaker 1: your mother in law's just playing a role in your movie. Yeah,
Speaker 1: doesn't make her right, doesn't make her wrong. But I
Speaker 1: want you to understand that the deeper you can go
Speaker 1: to release this energy, the easier it'll be to deal
Speaker 1: with her. Does that make sense to you, Yes, it does, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: because she's not empathizing with you, she's not treating you well,
Speaker 1: you're recreating and reliving not in your mind, but in
Speaker 1: your energy, all of those things. And you're alone because
Speaker 1: your husband, dealing with his mother, abandons you.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, which doesn't choose a side or he doesn't
Speaker 2: want to have said to his mother.
Speaker 1: He doesn't choose you, that's the bottom line. He doesn't
Speaker 1: choose you, which then recreates the abandonment by your birth
Speaker 1: mother and the neglect by your adopted mother.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then unfortunately, the children, your children become collateral
Speaker 1: damage in this war, this discord between you and their grandmother.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I heard you say when we started, when
Speaker 1: you start speaking, things get all jumbled up in your mind.
Speaker 1: And that's because you've swallowed so many words from when
Speaker 1: you were a young girl what you couldn't say, So
Speaker 1: you still have all of that residue gathered up in
Speaker 1: your brain. Yes, yeah, take a break.
Speaker 2: I've been going to therapy and working with a therapist
Speaker 2: and trying to get better at articulating that I have
Speaker 2: to say I can, I can heal. I've been listening
Speaker 2: to for a couple of years too. That's really helped me.
Speaker 2: I take you everywhere I go from it my heart
Speaker 2: right here. That's study. My heart has been having issues
Speaker 2: abound heart medicine. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: It's because your heart is broken. Yeah, your heart is broken.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I am so happy to hear that you've got
Speaker 1: some outside intervention, that you're getting some healing work.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean some you know work, but you need deep,
Speaker 1: deep healing to.
Speaker 2: Work in that.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And and sometimes in addition to therapy, you also
Speaker 1: want to do some energy healing work. Because I can
Speaker 1: feel the energy in your heart. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I've been having to pray. I would be going to
Speaker 2: church and the voluntary over there, and I've had them
Speaker 2: praying over my heart and the holy hands of my heart.
Speaker 2: And I go in for prayer a lot. And I
Speaker 2: love on my kids a lot. I make sure that
Speaker 2: I'm giving them exactly what I didn't have, so they
Speaker 2: probably get tired of all my husbands love.
Speaker 1: But I know children never get tired of that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, everything that I didn't get, I make sure that
Speaker 2: they're getting everything.
Speaker 1: But I don't want you to give it to them
Speaker 1: because you didn't get it, because that doesn't work. I
Speaker 1: want you to give it to them because you want
Speaker 1: them to have it. Yes, we often make that mistakes
Speaker 1: as parents to give our children what we didn't have,
Speaker 1: which strips the gift of its integrity. We're not giving
Speaker 1: it to them from a place of open heartedness, We're
Speaker 1: giving it to them from a place of woundedness. Okay,
Speaker 1: So don't give them what you didn't have, give them
Speaker 1: what you have for them. It's a slight difference, but
Speaker 1: it's very important.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: So let's deal with what you called about, which was
Speaker 1: your mother in law. Okay, Yeah, we'll talk more about
Speaker 1: it when we come back. Welcome back to the r spot.
Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. She is what
Speaker 1: I would call a catalyst for your healing. She is
Speaker 1: simply triggering and bringing up the broken, wounded places so
Speaker 1: that you know what needs to be healed. And you
Speaker 1: are recreating or reliving the early childhood experiences. And while
Speaker 1: it's hard and it's difficult, it's also brought you to
Speaker 1: the awareness of what needs to be healed. Right, She's
Speaker 1: really not out to get you. Go ahead.
Speaker 2: I've talked about it. Is there as you that since
Speaker 2: my husband's not he hasn't shown that he can support
Speaker 2: me yet, so I've cut off going with him on
Speaker 2: trips to go through his family. They just had a
Speaker 2: funeral recently, his grandmother, and I got along with her
Speaker 2: so good. She was so so nice to me, And
Speaker 2: but I didn't go because I don't want to be
Speaker 2: around that. I just I just feel triggered.
Speaker 1: I guess very good. Good. Wait a minute, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: good for you. Do you know what you really did?
Speaker 1: You took care of yourself. Yes, not because you were triggered.
Speaker 1: Let's let's raise it up. You took care of yourself.
Speaker 1: Good for you. Yeah, there is no reason on God's
Speaker 1: green earth that you have to subject yourself to abuse.
Speaker 2: No, and my children didn't want to go. They didn't
Speaker 2: want to go either because they and they heard overheard
Speaker 2: a conversation with him and his mother. And my husband
Speaker 2: thinks that the kids don't hear everything, and so they
Speaker 2: know and hear everything else since since they were able
Speaker 2: to hear with their ears, they see and hear everything,
Speaker 2: and you know, they they want to stay with mom,
Speaker 2: and I just feel better and he can go see
Speaker 2: his mom and I'll stay here and I'll wait for him,
Speaker 2: and when he's ready to go into therapy with me,
Speaker 2: then we'll go. Then we could start working on that
Speaker 2: then until I see that. I actually haven't even been
Speaker 2: intimate with him for a couple of years, so we're
Speaker 2: kind of just co parentinge. And he still comes and
Speaker 2: gives me a kiss on the cheek when he leaves
Speaker 2: to work, and like, oh, okay, for he's fine with it.
Speaker 2: He just wants to keep his mother happy. Right now,
Speaker 2: I guess.
Speaker 1: First of all, I want to bring something to your awareness. Okay,
Speaker 1: when you called, your voice was low and your words
Speaker 1: were muddled. Do you just hear how you spoke out loud?
Speaker 1: Just now?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, that's what happens when you move energy and when
Speaker 1: you take care of yourself. And since he is not capable, willing, ready, able,
Speaker 1: whatever you want to call it, to take care of you,
Speaker 1: you have to take care of yourself and you that's
Speaker 1: what you did when you said, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: the funeral to subject myself to violation, abuse, dishonor and
Speaker 1: disrespect by your family. I'm not doing it. Good for you?
Speaker 2: Not doing it a no more? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Good?
Speaker 2: It made me serve That's why I finally had to
Speaker 2: get to the bottom of it.
Speaker 1: Yes, good for you. Did you celebrate yourself for that?
Speaker 1: I'm telling you that deserves a new pair of shoes
Speaker 1: or new pair of panties.
Speaker 2: Do I go out on my own into my own thing?
Speaker 2: And good? I'm just trying to I am being truthful
Speaker 2: with myself and trying to take care of yourself. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's something that your adopted mother didn't do. But
Speaker 1: what I want you to do, because this is your husband,
Speaker 1: is when you're ready. You don't have to do it today, tomorrow,
Speaker 1: next week. I want you to sit with what we've
Speaker 1: talked about, and when you're ready, I want you to
Speaker 1: tell him the truth and explain it to him. One
Speaker 1: of the reasons I stop being intimate with you is
Speaker 1: because you abandoned me in the face of your mother's mistreatment,
Speaker 1: and I cannot allow you into my sacred space. I
Speaker 1: cannot be intimate with you when you don't see me,
Speaker 1: you don't empathize with me, and you don't protect me.
Speaker 1: Because Your responsibility is your as my husband, is to
Speaker 1: provide for me and to protect me. You're not doing
Speaker 1: your job as a husband. I can no longer do
Speaker 1: that part of my job as your wife. Let him
Speaker 1: know because since you are the one on the healing
Speaker 1: line right now, that's what we call when you're going
Speaker 1: through something like this. As his wife, you want to
Speaker 1: encourage him to heal. So let him know. You can't
Speaker 1: worship in my temple if you don't. If you keep
Speaker 1: abandoning me, why would I share myself with you when
Speaker 1: you have abandoned me. You need to work on that, sir.
Speaker 1: But help him understand. Help him understand, not just that
Speaker 1: you're withholding sex, you're taking care of yourself because he didn't.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So here's here's the deal. First of all, good for you.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I how do you feel right now?
Speaker 1: How does it feel?
Speaker 2: I feel so good. I'm gonna make me a good
Speaker 2: prefaces and wants to do.
Speaker 1: Good. Just watch Mindless TV.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I have to share with you that I've
Speaker 2: I've been pretending that you're my mom talking when I
Speaker 2: listened to you all the shows that I feel okay,
Speaker 2: I can relate to everybody that you talk to It's
Speaker 2: like something in there for me. I feel every time
Speaker 2: I hear you. So that's right. But I'm so glad
Speaker 2: that you I got to do it more deeper.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And and I can be your mom because
Speaker 1: very often when when the family we have doesn't work,
Speaker 1: we have to pick another one. Right, So all you
Speaker 1: did was just pick another mother. We're gonna find you
Speaker 1: another father and sister. And that's fine. You know whoever
Speaker 1: that is for you? You know you do that. If
Speaker 1: you were to go away for a weekend, do you
Speaker 1: have someone for the children to stay with? What they
Speaker 1: stay with? Your husband?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have to take time off, you would stay
Speaker 2: with him.
Speaker 1: This is what I'm gonna do for you. I'm going
Speaker 1: to give you a scholarship to my Rights of Passage
Speaker 1: Program for Women.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, no, it's.
Speaker 1: A nine week program. It's a nine week program. You're
Speaker 1: gonna work online for nine weeks and then in August
Speaker 1: you're gonna come to Boone, North Carolina. So start saving
Speaker 1: your money and you're going to go through a healing
Speaker 1: process with other women, and I'm going to give you
Speaker 1: a scholarship to that process. The online program starts in
Speaker 1: June because part of what you're going through is you
Speaker 1: just miss so much teaching as a woman. But based
Speaker 1: on what you're saying to me, I hear it coming
Speaker 1: through your intuition. You're doing the right things and the
Speaker 1: right way. You're learning how to take a stand for
Speaker 1: yourself and stand up for yourself, and I just want
Speaker 1: to celebrate that with you. Thank you, great, great work,
Speaker 1: great great work today. Okay, and just imagine, if it
Speaker 1: wasn't for your mother in law, you would have never
Speaker 1: called me. Yeah, thank you mother in law.
Speaker 2: Okay, love you, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Love you back. Great great work. Keep that voice strong. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're sounding real strong right now.
Speaker 2: Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1: Okay, good for her. Did you hear the change in
Speaker 1: her voice?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Made sick. In life, we have relationships with people that
Speaker 1: intersect with other people, and so very often we don't
Speaker 1: know how to keep those relationships separate, and we don't
Speaker 1: know how to build those relationships independently. So, you have
Speaker 1: a sister and your sister has a husband. You have
Speaker 1: a relationship with your sister as your sister. You have
Speaker 1: a relationship with your sister as another woman. You also
Speaker 1: have a relationship with your brother in law. As your
Speaker 1: brother in law and a relationship with your brother in
Speaker 1: law as a man. So that means you have four
Speaker 1: different relationships. And we have to learn how to have
Speaker 1: boundaries and clarity about the intersecting relationships that we have
Speaker 1: in our life, because if we don't, the boundaries get
Speaker 1: blurred and the responsibilities are abandoned, and it just becomes
Speaker 1: a hot mess. And I always say, first, deal with
Speaker 1: people on the common ground, deal with your sister as
Speaker 1: another woman and your brother in law as a man,
Speaker 1: and then deal with your sister as a married woman
Speaker 1: and your brother in law as your brother in law,
Speaker 1: because each of those relationships has different needs and different
Speaker 1: boundaries and different requirements. And when we don't do that,
Speaker 1: it just becomes a hot mess. And that's what my
Speaker 1: next caller is facing. She is in the midst of
Speaker 1: a hot mess. But there's a way out. Take a listen.
Speaker 1: Good morning, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. What
Speaker 1: is your relationship challenge, issued dilemma, problem, circumstance situationship that
Speaker 1: we can nibble on together today.
Speaker 3: Over protective mother in law?
Speaker 1: I know, what does that mean? Who is mama in law?
Speaker 1: Over protecting.
Speaker 2: Her fun?
Speaker 3: Her fun and I just don't know what to do
Speaker 3: at this point. Yeah, you don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Alrighty, So tell me more. How long have you been married?
Speaker 1: What is the experience?
Speaker 3: So me and the guy had been talking for three years.
Speaker 3: He proposed the second year, and it seems like since then,
Speaker 3: she's just been just finding nitpicking with me or finding
Speaker 3: little things. She'll call him all throughout.
Speaker 2: The day.
Speaker 3: Saying I need you to do this, or go here
Speaker 3: or do that, just finding little things to just get
Speaker 3: at me about, texting me throughout the day, asking me
Speaker 3: stuff like it's a lot like.
Speaker 2: Did my son eat today?
Speaker 3: What didn't my son eat?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh lord, And what does he say
Speaker 1: about it?
Speaker 3: I talked to him before about it. He basically just
Speaker 3: keeps saying, you're in a relationship with me, not my mother.
Speaker 3: Just trying to block her out, And I do like
Speaker 3: I I tried to block her out. I was going
Speaker 3: to block her on my phone and stuff. And I'm like, well,
Speaker 3: I don't want to be rude or disrespectful and I
Speaker 3: don't want to say anything out of line to her,
Speaker 3: but it's just getting to that point where she's just
Speaker 3: like everything, my son, my son, this my son that,
Speaker 3: And I'm like, I know who your son is. You
Speaker 3: don't have to keep, you know, reminding me.
Speaker 1: So why do you think this is going on? What
Speaker 1: do you tell yourself about this?
Speaker 2: I just don't know.
Speaker 3: Maybe she doesn't want me to be his wife. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I I really don't know, because in the beginning she
Speaker 3: was she was very nice, very nice to me. Would
Speaker 3: invite me into her home. I haven't. She doesn't even
Speaker 3: invite me into her home anymore.
Speaker 1: What does that mean into her home? What does that you?
Speaker 3: Yeah, he'll go without me or if he has me
Speaker 3: to drop something off to her during the day or
Speaker 3: something like that. If he can't do it, he'll meet
Speaker 3: me at the door. And you know, that's it. That's it.
Speaker 1: Have you ever asked her, are you going to invite
Speaker 1: me in?
Speaker 3: Well? I have asked her what is the issue? And
Speaker 3: she has said, whatever we have going on me and you,
Speaker 3: you don't have to involve my son. He doesn't need
Speaker 3: to know about it. And I told her, I said,
Speaker 3: I don't have anything going on with you, Like I
Speaker 3: don't have any issues with you. I don't know what
Speaker 3: you mean.
Speaker 1: By that, Is that true? I don't have any issues
Speaker 1: with you? Is that true.
Speaker 3: Well, I didn't have any issues with her up until now.
Speaker 3: So my issue is trying to figure out I'm trying
Speaker 3: to figure out what is your issue with me?
Speaker 1: Why do you think it's the issue is with you?
Speaker 1: Why can't it just be her issue?
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I think it's because he didn't grow up
Speaker 3: with his mom, and I feel like she's trying to
Speaker 3: like make up for lost time for her not being
Speaker 3: there in his life. And now it's just like it's
Speaker 3: it's just becoming too much. It's like check her or
Speaker 3: say something to her, like just becoming too much on
Speaker 3: our relationship. It's like either say something to her or
Speaker 3: then I'm going to have to say something. And I
Speaker 3: don't want to have to say something because I know
Speaker 3: that I know how I get, know how I get,
Speaker 3: and I don't want to come on. I don't want
Speaker 3: to be rue or disrespectful to his mother.
Speaker 1: Okay, what makes you think it's rude or disrespectful to
Speaker 1: ask for what you need or want.
Speaker 2: It's not.
Speaker 3: It's not.
Speaker 2: Oh it's okay, it's not.
Speaker 1: Well, she's not your mother in law. Y'all are not
Speaker 1: married yet.
Speaker 3: Is that right?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Do you have any issues around getting married being married.
Speaker 1: Have you been married before?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: I haven't. This would be the first time. It's a
Speaker 3: lot of side talk instead of him being able to
Speaker 3: talk out freely and her being able to talk freely
Speaker 3: when I'm around. I feel like, you know, they could
Speaker 3: be possibly talking. He could be talking negative negatively about me,
Speaker 3: and he just probably doesn't bring it to me, so
Speaker 3: I won't, you know, stress or worry about it. But yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 1: Could they be talking positively about you?
Speaker 3: That I can't really say, because how I don't see
Speaker 3: a person talking positive about me and then turning around
Speaker 3: when he's not around and just being nasty.
Speaker 1: Well, let's see if we can just break this down
Speaker 1: a little bit. We'll talk about that right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back. I am yan learning this is the r
Speaker 1: spot first of all, your beloved relationship. His mother is
Speaker 1: mothering a child, not an adult. So somehow in the mix,
Speaker 1: she has missed the boat in terms of understanding he's
Speaker 1: not a child, he's an adult, So she hasn't learned
Speaker 1: how to mother an adult. That don't have nothing to
Speaker 1: do with you. You're just getting caught up in mix.
Speaker 1: She's mothering a child as opposed to mothering an adult,
Speaker 1: and it is his responsibility to let her know, Hey, mom, mama, mommy,
Speaker 1: whatever he calls her. I suspect he calls about her
Speaker 1: first name. I don't know.
Speaker 2: No, they.
Speaker 3: Nicknames for each other, Okay, but.
Speaker 1: That's his responsibility to let her know. Wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I'm a man. I don't need you checking on my laundry,
Speaker 1: my food, my shoes, my nose, my we wei. I
Speaker 1: don't need you checking on that. I'm a grown man,
Speaker 1: and you are my mother. I love and respect you,
Speaker 1: but there are places in my life that you are
Speaker 1: no longer it's no longer appropriate for you to be
Speaker 1: in and calling my beloved to find out if I've
Speaker 1: eaten is one of those areas. So that's one thing.
Speaker 1: You've got a mother parenting as though the adult is
Speaker 1: still a child. Again, that doesn't have anything to do
Speaker 1: with you. Then you have a mother who consciously or
Speaker 1: unconsciously sees you as the other woman. So that says
Speaker 1: to me that somehow, in some way, she has made
Speaker 1: her son your beloved, her emotional husband. Mothers do it
Speaker 1: all the time. She's looking for some sort of fulfillment
Speaker 1: or care or attachment to him emotionally as though he
Speaker 1: were her husband, not as though he were her son. Again,
Speaker 1: that has nothing to do with you. It is incumbent
Speaker 1: upon him to create the boundaries. Does that make sense
Speaker 1: to you? Yes, So she sees you as an other
Speaker 1: woman and she's vying with you for his affections. That's
Speaker 1: a problem. But for you, you're dealing with an elder woman,
Speaker 1: b a woman who matters to your beloved. So you
Speaker 1: have to deal with her first woman to woman, junior
Speaker 1: to elder, and second as another woman in your beloved's life.
Speaker 1: And that's your stuff. That's your stuff, and it may
Speaker 1: not seem like it's important, But the fact that you
Speaker 1: haven't talked to your mother about this to get some
Speaker 1: wisdom and insight about this says to me that there's
Speaker 1: something going on with you. Yeah, yeah, you think.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 1: Mother in law has really come to okay, So what
Speaker 1: is that? What is going on with you?
Speaker 3: I don't know, I don't know. I remember just the
Speaker 3: other day I was telling him about how I wanted
Speaker 3: to start going to like counseling and stuff like that
Speaker 3: individually and then together, and that was like an argument
Speaker 3: because it kind of was like, well, what is it
Speaker 3: that you need to talk to a stranger about that
Speaker 3: you can't talk to me about, and I told him,
Speaker 3: you know, I just want to make sure that I
Speaker 3: am prepared for marriage. I want to make sure that
Speaker 3: I am the best version of myself. And I never,
Speaker 3: you know, really thought about going to therapy or anything
Speaker 3: like that until like a couple months ago, two, a
Speaker 3: couple months ago.
Speaker 1: So it doesn't have to be anything wrong. It may
Speaker 1: be that you need an objective third party to support
Speaker 1: you in growing, healing, stretching into this new role of
Speaker 1: being a wife, eventually being a mother, eventually being a
Speaker 1: daughter in law. When you've got a difficult situation with
Speaker 1: your mother in law m mm hmm, because your relationship
Speaker 1: with her is going to mirror your relationship with your mother.
Speaker 1: And just as you said, you haven't spoken to your
Speaker 1: mother about this situation with your future mother in law,
Speaker 1: and so that means there are things that you haven't
Speaker 1: said to her. There are things that you haven't said
Speaker 1: to your mother in law that you need to say,
Speaker 1: not in a disrespectful way, not in an angry way.
Speaker 1: But if you withhold, you withhold, I would want to know,
Speaker 1: are you going to invite me in? Okay? I just
Speaker 1: need you to understand that it hurts my feelings when
Speaker 1: I come to your house knowing how much you mean
Speaker 1: to Boo Boo, I don't know what his name is,
Speaker 1: and you leave me on the doorstep like a stranger.
Speaker 1: What are we going to do when we have children.
Speaker 1: I want them to be in good relationship with you,
Speaker 1: but they can't be in good relationship with you if
Speaker 1: you're not in good relationship with me. So I want
Speaker 1: to fix this. How does it make you feel when
Speaker 1: she doesn't invite you into her home? And why are
Speaker 1: you running errands? Why can't he take it to.
Speaker 2: Her if he's at work, she.
Speaker 1: Waits and you have to let him know. When I
Speaker 1: go to your mother's house, she doesn't even have the
Speaker 1: decency to invite me in for a glass of water.
Speaker 1: I'm not running your errands anymore. If she doesn't know
Speaker 1: how to treat me, then it's incumbent upon you to
Speaker 1: train her or you run the errands. I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1: You got to take care of yourself. This is an
Speaker 1: elder woman and she's out of order, and you're not
Speaker 1: telling her how the way she treats you makes you feel.
Speaker 1: Why not?
Speaker 3: I know the first time I didn't say anything because
Speaker 3: she came to the door like she was on the phone,
Speaker 3: So I'm just like, okay, well you're on the phone.
Speaker 3: But even then, it's been a few times when I've
Speaker 3: been over there and you know someone has called or
Speaker 3: something like that, and you know, you still let me in.
Speaker 3: So that's why I was just like, well, if you
Speaker 3: don't want to let me in, then it's no need
Speaker 3: for me to continue to keep coming to your home.
Speaker 3: And I'm not going to beg to come into a
Speaker 3: home that I'm not welcome in.
Speaker 1: I want you to make some clear distinctions here. First,
Speaker 1: junior woman, younger woman to elder woman, and she may
Speaker 1: not know how to be in relationship with you in
Speaker 1: that way, so you may have to teach her. And
Speaker 1: then as the other woman in your beloved's heart, you
Speaker 1: want to know that he has room for both of you.
Speaker 1: You're not trying to take her place, you're not trying
Speaker 1: to replace her, and that she is important to him,
Speaker 1: which makes her important to you. You've got to establish
Speaker 1: that with her, woman to woman, junior to elder, daughter
Speaker 1: to mother. That's your work, that's not his work. His
Speaker 1: work is to create some boundaries with her and to
Speaker 1: remind her he's a man, he's not a child. His
Speaker 1: work is to remind her that you are important to him,
Speaker 1: and she is important to him, and both of y'all
Speaker 1: have to live together in his heart.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: But as a woman, you can also have a relationship
Speaker 1: with her that's separate and apart from his relationship with her.
Speaker 1: But you have to create that. Right now, you're just
Speaker 1: dealing with her as though she's his mother, and you're
Speaker 1: not dealing with her a woman to woman. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense to you?
Speaker 2: It does?
Speaker 1: So what is it that you need to say to
Speaker 1: her that you haven't said that?
Speaker 3: I don't know, because I have told him, but I
Speaker 3: haven't told her that. I'm not trying to take her
Speaker 3: spot again. I don't know if I need to tell
Speaker 3: her life. I'm not. You know, I know that you
Speaker 3: weren't in his life in the beginning.
Speaker 1: It's none of your business. That's none of your business.
Speaker 1: Stay out of that. Stay out of that. That is
Speaker 1: pillow talk between you and him. That's his sacred information.
Speaker 1: You don't reveal that to her, You don't use that
Speaker 1: against her. You don't even reveal to her that he
Speaker 1: told you that, because that is his relationship with her.
Speaker 1: You have to establish your relationship with her and to
Speaker 1: share with her how it makes you feel, Not that
Speaker 1: what she's doing is wrong or she shouldn't do it,
Speaker 1: but how it makes you feel when she does these things.
Speaker 1: How does it make you feel when she doesn't let
Speaker 1: you in the house. How does it make you feel
Speaker 1: when she calls you checking on your son? Create that boundary,
Speaker 1: Say mo, miss Williams, it doesn't feel good to me
Speaker 1: that you're calling and checking on your son, calling me
Speaker 1: checking on your son. He's a grown man and I'm
Speaker 1: not his mother. You are. So if he doesn't eat,
Speaker 1: that ain't on me, that's on you. That's on him.
Speaker 1: Why are you asking me that? Ask him? Why are
Speaker 1: you asking me that? I'm just curious, why are you
Speaker 1: asking me that?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: So, this is about you using your voice and creating
Speaker 1: boundaries and establishing relationships that value the other person but
Speaker 1: also honor you, Okay, And don't do it from a
Speaker 1: place of anger and victimhood. Create the boundary because the
Speaker 1: same way you are the other woman in his life,
Speaker 1: she's the other woman.
Speaker 3: I see.
Speaker 1: You know, I have a relationship with my daughter in
Speaker 1: law that's separate in the part from my relationship with
Speaker 1: my son. She's a junior woman to me, and I
Speaker 1: have made sure I'll call her, invite her places. I
Speaker 1: don't even tell him about it. Why because it's not
Speaker 1: about him, it's about my relationship with her. He bought
Speaker 1: her a coffee maker for Christmas. I was like, what
Speaker 1: in the blazon of Jesus a coffee maker? I don't understand.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know that she drank coffee. I didn't.
Speaker 1: I didn't know. But when I saw what he bought
Speaker 1: her for Christmas, and he bought it over here and
Speaker 1: asked me to wrap it up for it, I ran
Speaker 1: around my house and found every little intimate thing I
Speaker 1: could find and wrapped it up. And when she came
Speaker 1: to get her gifts the next day, she had perfume,
Speaker 1: and she had a this and a that, And I
Speaker 1: ain't nothing to him or to her. I didn't say
Speaker 1: anything to him or to her, and she was happy
Speaker 1: about the coffee maker, but she was even more excited
Speaker 1: about the perfume that I found in my closet that
Speaker 1: I hadn't opened and gave to her in his name.
Speaker 1: What in the world a coffee maker? You need to
Speaker 1: go somewhere and left the price tag on it too,
Speaker 1: because as a woman, I knew how it would felt
Speaker 1: feel for me if my husband gave me a coffee
Speaker 1: maker for Christmas. So, woman to woman, I wanted her
Speaker 1: to feel better. And then I'm like, Okay, he has
Speaker 1: lost his good mind. That's all he brings in his
Speaker 1: wife on Christmas? Yeah, what is wrong with him? But
Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna beat him up, so I dealt with
Speaker 1: it as a woman how I wanted her as a
Speaker 1: woman to feel, not as a mother in law. You understand.
Speaker 1: So that's why I'm saying to you, establish a relationship
Speaker 1: with her woman to woman, and then create boundaries for
Speaker 1: her as your mother in law. You better put your
Speaker 1: big girl panties on. You're gonna be navigating this for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life. Invite them to lunch. I
Speaker 1: don't mean no harm, miss Williams, but it don't feel
Speaker 1: good to me that you're calling me asking me if
Speaker 1: booboo ate. That's a question you have to ask him.
Speaker 1: So if you want to know something about him, please
Speaker 1: call him. I want us to talk about us. I
Speaker 1: don't want us to talk about don't you know? And
Speaker 1: if she'll do it again, you say, Miss Williams, Mama Williams,
Speaker 1: whatever you want to call her. I've asked you not
Speaker 1: to text me or call me asking me about him.
Speaker 1: That's something you got to ask. That's about you and him,
Speaker 1: That's not about me and you.
Speaker 3: Okay, thank you, sir, Thank you for calling.
Speaker 1: Let me know how the lunch goes. Okay, bye bye.
Speaker 1: All relationships require boundaries, and there are three levels of
Speaker 1: boundaries that we must think about. First of all, the
Speaker 1: boundary for yourself within yourself. I don't care who the
Speaker 1: relationship is with. You have a right to create a
Speaker 1: boundary for yourself between yourself and the other person. And
Speaker 1: then you have a right to request and honor the
Speaker 1: boundaries that the other people said between themselves. Boundaries, they're
Speaker 1: so important. And the final boundary that we always forget
Speaker 1: to set is the boundary that keeps us safe and
Speaker 1: the boundary that honors everybody in a way that honors
Speaker 1: everyone's highest and greatest good. Because until we have clear,
Speaker 1: well established, honored and respected boundaries, our relationships will bleed
Speaker 1: into each other in inappropriate ways. Now, you can't set
Speaker 1: the boundaries that people have between themselves. But if your
Speaker 1: boundaries are clear, you do have the right to request
Speaker 1: and require that they honor your boundaries. I hope this
Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
Speaker 1: seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and
Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.