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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

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Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

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Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship

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Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me from session to eighty two of

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into

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Speaker 1: our conversation after a word from our sponsors. Whether you're

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Speaker 1: bringing a plus one to this year's family dinner or

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Speaker 1: planning to spend the holidays with the cousins you haven't

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Speaker 1: seen in years, there is one thing for certain. Blending

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Speaker 1: new family members with old traditions can be tricky, As

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Speaker 1: if spending the holidays with your family isn't hard enough.

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Speaker 1: This week, I'm joined by Jordan a Madison licensed clinical

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Speaker 1: marriage and family therapist and contributing writer to The Therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girl's blog may also remember Jordan's voice if

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Speaker 1: you listen to our holiday episode last year, Session six,

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Speaker 1: the Joy of Jingle Jangle. In this week's session, Jordan

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Speaker 1: and ies conversation explores some of the more common feelings

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Speaker 1: associated with blending families for the first time. What about

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Speaker 1: the holiday's overall can cause tension amongst family members, How

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Speaker 1: you can maintain your owness practices while other people are

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Speaker 1: staying in your home, or if you're staying in someone

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Speaker 1: else's and telling your family you're not coming home for

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Speaker 1: the holidays. If something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation,

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Speaker 1: please share with us on social media using the hashtag

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Speaker 1: tbg in session or join us over in the sister

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Speaker 1: circles to talk more in depth about the episode. You

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Speaker 1: can join us at Community not Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot com. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: joining us again, Jordan's thank you, thank you for having me. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I feel like you are our special holiday gifts, coming

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Speaker 1: in to talk about all things holidays. Last time we

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Speaker 1: talked about Jingle Jingle, which is still one of my favorites.

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Speaker 1: But this year we're going to get into something a

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Speaker 1: little different. So we have a handful of community members

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Speaker 1: who are planning to blend families for the first time

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Speaker 1: this holiday season. So some people are like meeting their

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Speaker 1: significant others family members for the first time. Other people

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Speaker 1: are like hosting the holidays for the first time, and

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Speaker 1: maybe in laws are coming together. And so I wanted

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Speaker 1: to have you on to talk about how we can

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Speaker 1: really take care of ourselves during this time, but also

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Speaker 1: if you could share some helpful tips for people who

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Speaker 1: are preparing for this moment in their lives. Of course,

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Speaker 1: holiday season is extremely exciting, but it can also be

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Speaker 1: nerve wracking and stressful for a lot of people, especially

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Speaker 1: when it comes to blending families. So definitely can understand that.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, So what would you say or some of

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Speaker 1: the common feelings that are associated with blending families for

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Speaker 1: the first time. So one I think is just like nervousness.

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Speaker 1: Is this person gonna like me? Is their family going

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Speaker 1: to accept me? Do we have some of the same traditions,

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Speaker 1: Are we're gonna like the same food, the same mixes?

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Speaker 1: Things like that? And I think other things come up

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Speaker 1: can be just you know, sometimes there's maybe insecurities or

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Speaker 1: comparing your family to their Sometimes I think sometimes they

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Speaker 1: can get a little like, my family does it this

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Speaker 1: way and your family does it that way? Do I

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Speaker 1: have to concede in, give in? Do I like stick

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Speaker 1: to what I'm doing? And I think for couples, especially

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Speaker 1: for the first time, it can sometimes be a little

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Speaker 1: nerve wracking, like how do we assert ourselves as a

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Speaker 1: couple in this space together? Because typically when we go

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Speaker 1: to our family of origin, we kind of fall back

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Speaker 1: into being not the little kid first se but we

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Speaker 1: fall back into whatever role we usually have in our family.

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Speaker 1: And so when you're adding another person, it can feel

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Speaker 1: a little like how do I navigate still being the

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Speaker 1: baby of the family, but also, now here's my partner

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Speaker 1: and I need to assert myself and make sure that

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Speaker 1: you respect our boundaries, you respect our relationship. M that's

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Speaker 1: a whole word there. So how would you say? How

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Speaker 1: would you say that people can go about best preparing themselves?

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Speaker 1: So are there certain conversations they should have, like what

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Speaker 1: kinds of things do they need to do to prepare

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Speaker 1: themselves for this? So the first thing that comes to

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Speaker 1: mind is having like a code word. So maybe if

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Speaker 1: things feel a little tense or get too hectic or

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Speaker 1: need a break, like you and your partner having a

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Speaker 1: special word, phrase maybe gesture that signals, hey, we need

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Speaker 1: to regroup. I think the biggest thing to remember when

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Speaker 1: blending families and during the holiday season is that you

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Speaker 1: and your partner are a team. So you two are

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Speaker 1: approaching this together. It's going to be nerve wracking for

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Speaker 1: both of you. Obviously, I do think having conversations would

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Speaker 1: be helpful first, and maybe those conversations look like, are

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Speaker 1: there any family dynamics that I should know about? Or

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Speaker 1: are there certain things that maybe your parents don't like

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Speaker 1: or that make them uncomfortable, Any topics that are like

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Speaker 1: hot topics in your family? Right, Because for some families,

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Speaker 1: especially given the recent political climates, some families don't discuss politics, right, Like,

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Speaker 1: are there certain things that we just stray away from

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Speaker 1: it that I should know not to bring up? Because

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Speaker 1: maybe in my family I don't think it's that big

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Speaker 1: of a deal, but in your family it can cause

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Speaker 1: World War three? So what are some things that I

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Speaker 1: need to be aware of? And then I think having

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Speaker 1: conversations even after the dinner or after the holidays, of like,

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Speaker 1: how was that for you, what are things that you noticed,

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Speaker 1: Because I do think seeing your partner around their family

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Speaker 1: helps you to understand more family dynamics. It helps you

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Speaker 1: to understand maybe why your partner does certain things or

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Speaker 1: sees things a certain way. And so I think of

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Speaker 1: check in before and after it's really helpful. Mm So

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Speaker 1: what if I noticed something in this blended family holiday,

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Speaker 1: then I'm like, oh, I don't know if I like

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Speaker 1: that about my partner, Like, oh, that's interesting. I didn't

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Speaker 1: anticipate that he would behave this way. So how would

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Speaker 1: you have that conversation, like as a post check in, Like,

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Speaker 1: what are some ways to maybe point out like some

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Speaker 1: concerns maybe that you noticed as a part of that.

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Speaker 1: I would definitely say to wait until after the holidays, right,

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Speaker 1: because bringing it up in the middle of it, I

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Speaker 1: don't know if that would be received as well. You

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Speaker 1: two are both probably stressed and things like that. I

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Speaker 1: would say bringing it up after and approaching it with curiosity, right,

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Speaker 1: So instead of a why did you act like this

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Speaker 1: or you were acting funny? I didn't like that, maybe like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I noticed that when your mom walked through the door,

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Speaker 1: you seem to get a little quieter you didn't seem

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Speaker 1: as assertive as you usually are. What's that about? Or

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Speaker 1: is that something that you notice too? Is that something

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Speaker 1: that usually comes up for you because maybe it's something

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Speaker 1: that they did because they're also nervous, or maybe it

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Speaker 1: is a family dynamic that you're like, we need to

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Speaker 1: kind of talk through this, right, And so I think

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Speaker 1: that approaching things with curiosity with like this is what

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Speaker 1: I've noticed. Has anyone else in your family noticed this too,

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Speaker 1: because sometimes when we are a part of our own family,

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Speaker 1: we don't always see the patterns or the different nuances,

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Speaker 1: whereas someone on the outside looking in is able to

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Speaker 1: call some stuff out obviously, approaching it with there's no judgment,

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Speaker 1: this is just what I'm noticing, And maybe your partners like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know what, that does happen a lot and this

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Speaker 1: is why, or it's like, wow, no one's ever told

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Speaker 1: us that before, and I didn't realize that, and maybe

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Speaker 1: there are some new things that I need to do

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Speaker 1: and do differently. So approaching it with curiosity and being

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Speaker 1: gentle for sure, and then as the partner hearing it,

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Speaker 1: trying to also remind yourself that's not a personal attack

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Speaker 1: against your family. It's not saying that something that you

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Speaker 1: did was completely wrong. It's just you two are kind

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Speaker 1: of starting to navigate. We've been a couple and we've

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Speaker 1: been used to just us in this bubble. What do

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Speaker 1: we look like as a couple when we're interacting with

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Speaker 1: you know, our families or our friends as well. Mm hmmmm.

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Speaker 1: So you mentioned earlier that you know, even though the

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Speaker 1: holidays can be an exciting time, it can also be

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Speaker 1: very stressful. So what are some of the things that

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Speaker 1: you think often me to tension in family members around

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Speaker 1: the holidays. And my experience, at least what has come

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Speaker 1: up sometimes has been people have different feelings around the holidays.

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Speaker 1: So for some people, the holidays can bring up grief

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Speaker 1: or some sadness, right because you're reminded of maybe people

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Speaker 1: that you no longer have with you, or you're feeling

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Speaker 1: maybe alone and things like that. And if you're with

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Speaker 1: a partner who's just super happy and excited about the

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Speaker 1: holiday is there can be some tension because your partners

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Speaker 1: like what's wrong with you? Like why are you so

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Speaker 1: sad or miserable? But you're like, hey, I'm going through

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Speaker 1: something and I need some some patients too. So I

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Speaker 1: think A big thing is just people's views on holidays.

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Speaker 1: I think the expectation is that everyone just loves the

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Speaker 1: holidays and it makes them feel all warm inside, because

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Speaker 1: I do love the holidays and it makes me feel

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Speaker 1: warm inside. But understanding that that's not the exact same

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Speaker 1: experience for everyone, and so having understanding around that, I

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Speaker 1: think is a big deal. Another thing that comes to

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Speaker 1: mind with tension around the holidays, I would say is

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Speaker 1: certain boundaries. It can be really hard to set boundaries,

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Speaker 1: especially with loved ones, especially Black women. We feel like

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Speaker 1: I owe this person this, or it'd be selfish if

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Speaker 1: I say no, or I have to do this. I

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Speaker 1: have to handle everything and do it myself. And so

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Speaker 1: when there's that added pressure, then you might feel resentful

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Speaker 1: or you might feel like you're doing everything and you

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Speaker 1: might snap it others or whatever the case may be,

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Speaker 1: and that can cause some tension. And also just the expectations. Right,

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Speaker 1: if there are expectations that people have of you that

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Speaker 1: feel really heavy, like you're always the host, or you

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Speaker 1: always do certain things, and let's say you're tired or

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Speaker 1: you just need a break or you want help. You

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Speaker 1: don't mind doing it, but you don't want to be

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Speaker 1: the only one that can also cause a lot of attention.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate to bringing up the idea of grief around

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Speaker 1: the holidays, I think, especially against our current backdrop, right,

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Speaker 1: you know, so we know that we have lost so

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Speaker 1: many people to COVID and just other things, you know,

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Speaker 1: in the past couple of years. And I think for

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Speaker 1: a lot of people this may be their first year

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Speaker 1: maybe gathering again if they are right, like and so,

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Speaker 1: can you say a little bit about like how to

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Speaker 1: manage grief or like how to keep expectations level as

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Speaker 1: we are approaching the holiday season for people maybe this

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Speaker 1: is their first holiday season after losing someone. Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I would definitely say to give yourself grace. Grief comes

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Speaker 1: up unexpectedly, it comes in waves. You have to allow

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Speaker 1: yourself to feel you're feeling. Do not force yourself to

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Speaker 1: be all happy, go lucky and smiley if that's really

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Speaker 1: just not how you're feeling. Obviously, there's other beliefs where

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Speaker 1: people say, like sometimes you just have to fake it

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Speaker 1: till you make it to put a smile on your face.

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Speaker 1: But I think it's really important that you surround yourself

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Speaker 1: with at least one or two people who know and

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Speaker 1: understand that you might not react or behave the same

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Speaker 1: way that you typically do during the holiday season because

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Speaker 1: you are processing the loss of someone, or the loss

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Speaker 1: of ideas, the loss of you know, there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of things that have changed in the past two and

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Speaker 1: a half years, right, So I would say surrounding yourself

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Speaker 1: with people who also get it and don't expect you

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Speaker 1: to just move through it and be okay, but that

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Speaker 1: allow you time to process it because typically when you

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Speaker 1: have a space to cry it out or have a moment,

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Speaker 1: then you feel like, Okay, I'm not holding it in anymore,

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Speaker 1: and then you're able to maybe go back and enjoy

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Speaker 1: a family gathering or you're able to go back and

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Speaker 1: enjoy or something. But when you feel like you're trying

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Speaker 1: to keep it in and bottle it up, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's really hard. Thank you. So we have a

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Speaker 1: couple of scenarios that our community sent in. So we

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Speaker 1: told them that we're gonna be talking about blending families

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Speaker 1: for the holidays and ask them what questions they had,

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Speaker 1: and so we have a couple of scenarios that I

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Speaker 1: want to share with you to see if you have

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Speaker 1: some feedback or tips that you would offer them. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So the first one is my biological parents have been

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Speaker 1: divorced for over twenty years, and during this time, I've

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Speaker 1: always had to split my time between them. On Christmas Day,

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Speaker 1: Dan and stepmom in the morning and Mom in the evening.

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Speaker 1: Now that I have my own family, I'd like to

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Speaker 1: invite all my parents over so we can spend quality

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Speaker 1: time together. I'm nervous about bringing it up and even

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Speaker 1: more nervous about making it happen. Mm hmm, Okay, what

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Speaker 1: comes to mind? Because my parents are not together, they

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Speaker 1: do get along and things like that, but I always

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Speaker 1: have to go back and forth, and I'm always making

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Speaker 1: a joke like, well do I have to pop out

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Speaker 1: a kid for everyone to come see me? Because this

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Speaker 1: is a lot. So I definitely understand and like wanting

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Speaker 1: everyone to come to you because it's difficult always having

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Speaker 1: to split, right, And so I think having a conversation,

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Speaker 1: hopefully they've been divorced for a long enough time that

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Speaker 1: maybe the focus is I want to spend this time

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Speaker 1: with both of you, and I want you both to

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Speaker 1: be in the same space. You don't have to sit

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Speaker 1: next to each other, you don't have to be all

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Speaker 1: buddy buddy, But what I do want is both of

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Speaker 1: my parents to be with me as I enter this

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Speaker 1: new stage, as I've started my own family. If there's

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Speaker 1: grandkids in the mix, grandparents love their grandkids. So if

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Speaker 1: you focus on the kids really want to be able

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Speaker 1: to have their grandma and grandpa there, hopefully that can

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Speaker 1: soften it a bit too. But reminding them that what's

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Speaker 1: really important is just having the quality time spin They

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Speaker 1: don't have to interact necessarily, they don't have to act

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Speaker 1: as if everything is okay, but they can at least

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Speaker 1: be cordial, and that's really all you're asking for. So

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Speaker 1: I'm curious doing you know, I'm thinking about like when

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Speaker 1: my husband and I got married, like the conversations around like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: how are we doing? How of days now? Even before

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Speaker 1: we had kids, And what we've decided on is twitching

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Speaker 1: back and forth for Thanksgiving in Christmas. But I'm wondering,

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Speaker 1: in your work, because you do a lot of work

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Speaker 1: with couples, are there other conversations that people are having,

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Speaker 1: our other arrangements people are making around the holidays that

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Speaker 1: might be helpful for other people to think about. I

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Speaker 1: think it's really also really about the expectations that you have, right,

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Speaker 1: because maybe it's easier for everyone to come to you.

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Speaker 1: I also think it depends on logistics where people are located.

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Speaker 1: But I think certain things that are working out is

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Speaker 1: just one year we do this, next year we do that,

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Speaker 1: like switching back and forth. That seems to be the

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Speaker 1: consensus what a lot of people do and what's fair

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Speaker 1: for other people they decide. I had one couple I

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Speaker 1: was thinking of. Her family was like in the Virgin Islands,

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Speaker 1: and so I think Thanksgiving was really important to her family,

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Speaker 1: and then Christmas because her husband's birthday was near them

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Speaker 1: and that's just their holiday, right and there's no pressure

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Speaker 1: about we go back and forth or whatever the case

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Speaker 1: may be. So I think it really depends on what

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Speaker 1: are the holidays that are important. Another thing that's been

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Speaker 1: helpful and what I've heard is maybe it's not always

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Speaker 1: about the exact day. So for some families, maybe Christmas

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Speaker 1: is a big deal. For other families, like I know

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Speaker 1: for my uncle and his wife her family, Christmas Eve

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Speaker 1: is what's really important. So if you have certain things

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Speaker 1: where it's like we don't need to meet on the

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Speaker 1: exact same day, but as long as it's within the

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Speaker 1: time frame of the holidays. Maybe we do something like

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Speaker 1: instead of a Christmas party or Christmas dinner, we do

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Speaker 1: a New Year's Eve dinner, or we do a Black

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Speaker 1: Friday dinner instead of actually Thanksgiving. So I think it's

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Speaker 1: mainly about, like what are the expectations and what days

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Speaker 1: are really important? Because for some they're like the day

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Speaker 1: is still the same as long as we still connect

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Speaker 1: half family doesn't have to be on the November. What

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Speaker 1: if we do on you know, and what works better

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Speaker 1: for everyone else? So, you know, the other thing that

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Speaker 1: this scenario made me think of, and you kind of

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Speaker 1: talked about this too, is like creating new traditions, right,

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Speaker 1: you know, so they're the traditions that come from our

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Speaker 1: family of origins. But then, like you mentioned, like a

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Speaker 1: lot of times, once kids into the picture, then there

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Speaker 1: begins to be a reimagining of what the holidays look like.

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Speaker 1: And so what kinds of like thoughts are are things

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Speaker 1: might you offer two couples who are thinking about creating

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Speaker 1: their own traditions. So let's say I want to have

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Speaker 1: dinner at the house with maybe just the kids, but

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Speaker 1: I don't maybe want grandparents. They're right, like I only

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Speaker 1: wanted to be a nuclear family. What kinds of guidelines

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Speaker 1: would you offer for like making those kinds of decisions.

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Speaker 1: So I would say each partner writing like what they

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Speaker 1: would like, what's non negotiable versus what has some wiggle

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Speaker 1: room and finding some middle grounds the middle area because

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Speaker 1: maybe it's I don't want the grandparents involved, I just

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Speaker 1: want us, And your partner is saying dinner is really important.

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Speaker 1: What if we have a big Christmas breakfast that's just

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Speaker 1: us and then for dinner we go to my parents house? Right? Like?

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Speaker 1: What if that would be a happy cam from us?

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Speaker 1: So I think it's important to find solutions that we're

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Speaker 1: both partners feel heard, both partners feel this is what's

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Speaker 1: important to me, And then knowing yourself, what is a

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Speaker 1: non negotiable like these are traditions that have to be

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Speaker 1: passed down versus what are some areas where I have

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Speaker 1: wiggle room? And this is also why I think premarital

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Speaker 1: counseling is really helpful, because it allows you to think

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Speaker 1: about what do we want our life to look like,

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Speaker 1: how do we want to celebrate certain things? How do

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Speaker 1: we want to handle these things before they come up

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Speaker 1: and cause tension? Let's think about it. Obviously, you don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily know exactly how you're going to handle things until

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Speaker 1: you're in this situation. But I think if there's certain values,

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Speaker 1: certain traditions that you know your partner really cares about

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Speaker 1: and their family really cares about, you can have that

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Speaker 1: conversation even before the holidays come up. Yeah, because ideally

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Speaker 1: you would want to have these conversations before it's time

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Speaker 1: to like send out the advice, right, because then the

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Speaker 1: tension industress does get a little higher. So every yet

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Speaker 1: you're offering premarital counseling is an opportunity because I think

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of misconceptions about premrital therapy, right. It's

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Speaker 1: like if we're going to therapy already, like we're doomed

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Speaker 1: kind of thing. That is the space where you're having

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Speaker 1: these kinds of conversations so that you can't avoid You

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Speaker 1: just don't think about it until it's holiday time and

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Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I didn't know that was important to

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Speaker 1: you exactly. And even when I say pre marital, I

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Speaker 1: just mean pre marriage. It doesn't even have to be

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Speaker 1: that you're engaged. I know for some people they're like,

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Speaker 1: if we're already in therapy and we're not even engaged yet.

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Speaker 1: What is the problem. But to your point, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: always have to be that there's a problem when you

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Speaker 1: go to therapy. A lot of times therapy can be

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Speaker 1: and should be preventative. It can be conversations about how

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Speaker 1: we want to handle these things, learning skills and tools,

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Speaker 1: instead of going to therapy when there's already been years

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Speaker 1: of resentment, years of problems, and then it's like I

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Speaker 1: don't like this person, I don't know if we want

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Speaker 1: to be together, you know. So having these discussions and

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Speaker 1: thinking about it beforehand can definitely be helpful. Obviously, when dating,

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Speaker 1: I think it's you don't know until you start to

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Speaker 1: it into like dating seriously with that person. So if

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Speaker 1: you're dating someone and this is the first time that

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Speaker 1: you're meeting their family or blending families, I would just

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Speaker 1: say going into it with an open experience. Dating is

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Speaker 1: all about learning your partner, learning what works for you

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Speaker 1: and what doesn't. So being observant not judgmental, there's a difference, um,

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Speaker 1: but just being open to seeing what parts of the

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Speaker 1: family impacted your partner, what made them you know who

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Speaker 1: you want to be with today, and things that you

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Speaker 1: learn and things like that. I think the assumption is

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Speaker 1: always there might be tension, but you'd be surprised because

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Speaker 1: some families can be very opening and very welcoming and

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Speaker 1: you can have a lot of fun. So going in

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Speaker 1: with the open mind. So this is a perfect segue

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Speaker 1: into the scenario number two. Okay, so this one is

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Speaker 1: my fiancee's parents are flying out this holiday season to

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Speaker 1: me my parents for the first time. I'm nervous because

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Speaker 1: my family doesn't have a traditional Christmas. My parents own

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Speaker 1: their own business, and because they work so much, we

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Speaker 1: don't celebrate together like other families are accustomed to. We

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Speaker 1: eat dinner at eight pm and might not open presents

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Speaker 1: until ten. I want to show my future in law

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Speaker 1: is a good time, but I'm concerned that our holiday

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Speaker 1: traditions won't cut it in comparison to their more traditional

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Speaker 1: type of fun. What comes to mind is you want

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Speaker 1: to show them a good time so it can be

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Speaker 1: like this is how we do it over here, and

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Speaker 1: it's still fun. We're still doing the same things, it's

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Speaker 1: just later in the day. So maybe it's like during

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Speaker 1: the day we watch movies or we do other stuff,

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Speaker 1: and then we have a late dinner and then we

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Speaker 1: open the presents, and especially if there's not little kids.

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Speaker 1: Usually little kids are the only ones that are waking

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Speaker 1: up at the crack of dogs over present, So if

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Speaker 1: there's no little kids in the mix, it can be

403
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Speaker 1: a very exciting like, no, it's not traditional, but this

404
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Speaker 1: is our tradition and we welcome you to it. This

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Speaker 1: is something that has worked for us, maybe explaining like

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Speaker 1: this is why it has become this way. It's not

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Speaker 1: that we don't care about Christmas. This is just what

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Speaker 1: works for us, and we invite you to, you know,

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Speaker 1: have fun our way. And so I know for some people,

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Speaker 1: I want to say, my Emily would sometimes do like

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Speaker 1: a movie day. My family loves a Christmas story. I don't,

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Speaker 1: but they do, and so it's always on and things

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Speaker 1: like that. So maybe it's like having a movie day

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Speaker 1: or doing something before the presence but giving them still

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Speaker 1: a fun time. And if they're visiting, maybe it's taking

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Speaker 1: them around different places in the area. I don't know

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Speaker 1: where exactly they'd be going to, but a lot of

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Speaker 1: places have like lights or certain things that you do

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Speaker 1: around Christmas time. So maybe it's we go out to dinner,

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Speaker 1: we do these things, late and then once it's dark,

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Speaker 1: we go we take a drive around and see the lights,

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Speaker 1: or we do other things where it's still just as fun.

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Speaker 1: It just doesn't have to be the chronological order of

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Speaker 1: what they expect. Mm hmm. Yeah. And I wonder if

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Speaker 1: this might not be an opportunity for this couple to

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Speaker 1: like start some of their own traditions, right, or maybe

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Speaker 1: a way to incorporate some of the families the other

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Speaker 1: families traditions. You know, so if they do more daytime activities,

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Speaker 1: like are there things that they can do in the

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Speaker 1: daytime before dinner? Right, So maybe that's like baking things

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Speaker 1: or decorating something, or it might be an opportunity to

432
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,639
Speaker 1: kind of start some new stuff or to kind of

433
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:07,480
Speaker 1: blend both of the family traditions, like maybe decorating the tree.

434
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 1: Obviously people might expect that the tree to be decorated

435
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,840
Speaker 1: before Christmas, but that could be something where you frame

436
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,640
Speaker 1: it as we wanted this to be something we all

437
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:19,360
Speaker 1: do together, so we saved decorating the tree for all

438
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,280
Speaker 1: of us to do it. Or baking is a good one.

439
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:27,000
Speaker 1: Decorating ornaments, yeah, the ornaments gingerbread houses, if you're into that,

440
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,960
Speaker 1: you know, there's so many Christmas activities that you can do,

441
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 1: and so just approaching it with again curiosity, but also

442
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 1: it can be a fun experience, right, It doesn't have

443
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,640
Speaker 1: to be exactly what everyone is used to. And that's

444
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,199
Speaker 1: also how you can frame it as me and my

445
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,480
Speaker 1: fiance is we are starting this new life together. We

446
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,480
Speaker 1: appreciate this aspect of our traditions on this side, and

447
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,919
Speaker 1: we appreciate this aspect of traditions on this side, and

448
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,240
Speaker 1: this is our way of like remixing it. More from

449
00:22:55,240 --> 00:23:10,400
Speaker 1: my conversation with Jordan's after the break, all right, our

450
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:14,160
Speaker 1: third scenario. I'm a single mother and I really want

451
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,040
Speaker 1: my child to be able to spend the holidays with

452
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 1: her siblings. Her father has two other children with two

453
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,359
Speaker 1: different mothers, and I think it would be really fun

454
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,119
Speaker 1: for us all to get the kids together to do something.

455
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,119
Speaker 1: I'm nervous because there's tension among the parents, but I

456
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,199
Speaker 1: want to figure out how we can blend families to

457
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,160
Speaker 1: make these memories for our kids. Oh that's beautiful. Yeah,

458
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,880
Speaker 1: I would say it seems like I'm imagining the tensions

459
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,280
Speaker 1: maybe between the moms and the dad. I don't know

460
00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 1: for sure, but if she's not feeling there's tension between

461
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,040
Speaker 1: her and anyone, maybe reaching out of I think this

462
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,240
Speaker 1: would be a great idea for the kids. I want

463
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 1: to do this thing. I want to get all the

464
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,399
Speaker 1: kids together so they can celebrate. If you feel uncomfortable

465
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,560
Speaker 1: in the space. Again, I'm not sure what the relationship is,

466
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,000
Speaker 1: but if you trust me, you can drop your kid

467
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,960
Speaker 1: off if you don't want to stay. But I have

468
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,679
Speaker 1: these things planned or I want us to have a

469
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,080
Speaker 1: movie now, or bake cookies or do something where the

470
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,439
Speaker 1: kids can spend time together, because even though we're not

471
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,200
Speaker 1: with this man anymore, or even though we have differences

472
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:14,399
Speaker 1: or we disagree, our children should be the priority and

473
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,359
Speaker 1: we want to make sure that they feel included, but

474
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 1: also like they have each other right, and especially if

475
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,240
Speaker 1: she's a single mom and say it's just her and

476
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,440
Speaker 1: her child, you want to make sure that your child

477
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: has like fun things to be around. He or she

478
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,800
Speaker 1: is not the only child in the situation, and so

479
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 1: that could be I'm sure the goal of making sure

480
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,359
Speaker 1: you're spending time with your siblings, you're spending time with

481
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,119
Speaker 1: people that at your age and it being fun and

482
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,320
Speaker 1: hopefully the moms are in agreement and I would see

483
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:45,959
Speaker 1: that as a really big effort to put differences aside

484
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 1: and really just focus on the betterment of the kids,

485
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:51,840
Speaker 1: because I think blended families obviously can happen. The parents

486
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,560
Speaker 1: just have to be able to remember that the children

487
00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,760
Speaker 1: are the priority and not get too involved with their

488
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,719
Speaker 1: ego or their hurt or any feelings that come up

489
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,520
Speaker 1: for them. M M, yeah, And I think I agree

490
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: with you. I think that this would be a beautiful scenario,

491
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,600
Speaker 1: you know, if they're able to pull this off. And

492
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:12,199
Speaker 1: I see this as something happening either Christmas Eve or

493
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:15,360
Speaker 1: maybe like a day or two before, because I would imagine,

494
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 1: you know, everybody has their own individual families that they

495
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,680
Speaker 1: may want to do things with, but it could be

496
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,080
Speaker 1: a cool kind of like yearly tradition that they get

497
00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:25,439
Speaker 1: together every year two days before Christmas and have a

498
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,920
Speaker 1: sleepover with matching pajamas and all the moms get together

499
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,240
Speaker 1: and like do decorations and they have presents that they

500
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,560
Speaker 1: know they open like from each other, and like, I

501
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,160
Speaker 1: think that that actually would be a beautiful kind of offering.

502
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,879
Speaker 1: And like you mentioned, if there's somebody like one of

503
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 1: the other moms where there's not tensioned with could they

504
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 1: open the invitation and this could even be a great

505
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,439
Speaker 1: way to eat some of that tension, right, Like, I

506
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,159
Speaker 1: know there's been issues between us in the past, but

507
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,919
Speaker 1: this almost as an olive branch. I think of re

508
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:55,119
Speaker 1: centering the kids, like you mentioned, which should be the priority.

509
00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:57,679
Speaker 1: And obviously there's similarities if you two or three have

510
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,000
Speaker 1: chosen to have a child, but also with this one person,

511
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 1: maybe there are certain things that you all enjoy doing

512
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,919
Speaker 1: with that person that maybe you have similarities. But the

513
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,880
Speaker 1: biggest similarity is that you all are mothers, right, and

514
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: you most likely want to prioritize your kid and make

515
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,600
Speaker 1: them feel they are a part of something. I think

516
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,280
Speaker 1: sometimes tension comes, especially with blended families, where it can

517
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,000
Speaker 1: feel like this kid gets more than this kid or

518
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 1: this person gets more. So if you focus on I

519
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 1: want us all to be together. I want us all

520
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,960
Speaker 1: to do something. Maybe the kids have a movie night.

521
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,360
Speaker 1: Maybe we as the moms, we have some hot chocolate

522
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 1: or some wine. Not condoning alcoholism, but you know, we

523
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 1: do something that's just us and that we have fun

524
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 1: and we make space for the children. Or maybe it's

525
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: after Christmas and the children get to bring all their

526
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,680
Speaker 1: toys together and play together or something like that. Mm hmmm, yeah,

527
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,919
Speaker 1: I think that could be a very cool yeah, and

528
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,919
Speaker 1: a tradition like they could keep going for sure. All Right,

529
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 1: So one final scenario. Okay, so this one says, I'm

530
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 1: spending Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family this year.

531
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:04,360
Speaker 1: I barely known that side of the family, and I'm

532
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:06,919
Speaker 1: nervous because I've always felt like my mom discouraged us

533
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,360
Speaker 1: from spending time with them because they're a little ratchet. However,

534
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,080
Speaker 1: I want to know my people, and though I'm almost forty,

535
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,040
Speaker 1: I still want to try. I feel crazy asking people

536
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: what their names are, but this is where we are.

537
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed that I don't know them better. Yeah, I

538
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,560
Speaker 1: think the biggest thing to do is own that and

539
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,640
Speaker 1: not own it as though it's your fault, but own

540
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: it is. Unfortunately, I didn't get the experience to grow

541
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 1: up with you. Also, I do feel bad for not

542
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 1: knowing this, but I really do want to learn now.

543
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,400
Speaker 1: And in my opinion, that's never too late. As long

544
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: as you have breath in your body and you were

545
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 1: able to meet people and do things, it's never too late.

546
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 1: And I think that's beautiful that you're still choosing to

547
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,560
Speaker 1: spend that time even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable,

548
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,240
Speaker 1: and ideally hopefully they would be welcoming in the idea

549
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,639
Speaker 1: of it wasn't you who As a kid, you weren't

550
00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,119
Speaker 1: choosing what you were doing or who you were spending

551
00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 1: time with, and now you're making this choice to spend

552
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,199
Speaker 1: time with us and get to know us, and we

553
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: really appreciate it. Obviously. Again, I think, especially in the

554
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,040
Speaker 1: black community, there can be the differences in like how

555
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 1: we appear black people as a culture, there's a spectrum.

556
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,440
Speaker 1: So if she is saying or defining them as a

557
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,240
Speaker 1: little more ratchet, I imagine maybe she's wondering that it

558
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,600
Speaker 1: might feel uncomfortable or they might think that she's boogie

559
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 1: or snobby or whatever the case may be. And so

560
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:31,160
Speaker 1: again with openness, with curiosity, but also just being transparent

561
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,359
Speaker 1: of this is how I do things, or this is

562
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: how I was raised, and I wasn't able to meet

563
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 1: you all or have these experiences, but I really want

564
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 1: to have these experiences now, and please tell me what

565
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,480
Speaker 1: I can. I know for myself. Sometimes if I'm speaking

566
00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 1: with my grandparents or I'm wanting to gain family information,

567
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,280
Speaker 1: I'll say, is it okay if I record this? I

568
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,320
Speaker 1: really wanna you know, remember this, or take lots of

569
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 1: pictures or whatever the case may be. So I think

570
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 1: going into it, obviously you're going to be nervous, but

571
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 1: organizing it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong,

572
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: and you're using this opportunity to learn more and to

573
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,480
Speaker 1: be a part of this family and add to your

574
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:14,720
Speaker 1: extended family, and so approaching it with excitement as well. Yeah,

575
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 1: I would add to that if you're on Facebook. I

576
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: think Facebook has a lot of downfalls, but one of

577
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,120
Speaker 1: the upsides that I think a lot of family members

578
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: are fun on Facebook, and so it's it's very possible

579
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 1: that you can do a lot of research before you

580
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,600
Speaker 1: even go, Right, I don't know who cousins are and

581
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 1: you know, so that may be helpful and may help

582
00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 1: you to feel a little more comfortable in the space,

583
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 1: so that you know whose name is what. Yeah, I

584
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 1: would also suggest maybe like finding one person that you're

585
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 1: feeling closest to, So is there a cousin or somebody

586
00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 1: on your dad's side who you can do like some

587
00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 1: prep sessions with, Right, Okay, So I'm wanting to do

588
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,440
Speaker 1: more of this, tell me who this is, what's the

589
00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 1: story here? You know, is there any kind of drama

590
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: in the background that I need to be aware of?

591
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 1: So getting yourself ready, I think for the situation, because

592
00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:59,040
Speaker 1: I agree with you, like it wasn't necessarily her fault

593
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,160
Speaker 1: that she didn't necessarily up with them, But I think

594
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: going into it with curiosity and saying I want to

595
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:07,080
Speaker 1: do this now, maybe even apologizing like I'm sorry it's

596
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:08,720
Speaker 1: taking so long, but I really want to get to

597
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,080
Speaker 1: know you all. I think that that could be something

598
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,680
Speaker 1: that makes her feel more comfortable too. And even when

599
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 1: you talked about if there's one person in the family,

600
00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:19,560
Speaker 1: I imagine if it's her dad's side, maybe she's always

601
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 1: had a relationship with her dad or hopefully he is

602
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 1: more accessible and that can be the leeway too. Of

603
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:27,880
Speaker 1: I know, I haven't really been able to spend time

604
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 1: with your side of the family, but I want to

605
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: get to know people more, or are some things that

606
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:35,600
Speaker 1: I should be aware of who is who in that

607
00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: way too? So yeah, I think that's a great idea,

608
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: especially the Facebook one. Between Facebook Instagram tagged photos, you

609
00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 1: could probably put together a family tree right. Far more

610
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 1: is out there about us than we even want to

611
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 1: know for sure. So you know, we talked about like

612
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: all of these things and how to kind of navigate

613
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,360
Speaker 1: all of this. But I think it is important, especially

614
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,200
Speaker 1: around the holidays, because it is all so often one

615
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,040
Speaker 1: of the times of the year where we like have

616
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 1: like a significant amount of time all for a lot

617
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:08,680
Speaker 1: of people. And so I think also thinking about how

618
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 1: we can get in some self care and take care

619
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: of ourselves during the holidays are important. So what suggestions

620
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,000
Speaker 1: would you have for people about like how to fit

621
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 1: time in even if they're hosting, Right, So let's say

622
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,040
Speaker 1: the whole family is come into your house, Like, how

623
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:24,520
Speaker 1: do you still get in some alone time? How do

624
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:26,880
Speaker 1: you sneak away so that you will have some time

625
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,320
Speaker 1: for yourself during all of this? Yeah, I think a

626
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: great way is depending on the person. Maybe it looks

627
00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:35,640
Speaker 1: like waking up a little earlier so before the house

628
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:38,920
Speaker 1: gets lively and everyone's awake, you have some alone time

629
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: that way. Or maybe it looks like just saying, hey,

630
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 1: I need a moment. I'm going to step away for

631
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,080
Speaker 1: a second. Maybe it doesn't look like how it would

632
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,040
Speaker 1: typically look because you have a whole bunch of guests,

633
00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,960
Speaker 1: or people in your house. But maybe it's you go

634
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: somewhere and listen to your favorite song, or you go

635
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:57,200
Speaker 1: take a walk really quickly, or you have a moment

636
00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 1: with your partner, because sometimes with family in town, maybe

637
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,440
Speaker 1: be it can feel like you and your partner are disconnected.

638
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 1: So finding out what self care looks like for you

639
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,000
Speaker 1: in that moment and what you're needing. Maybe you are

640
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:11,440
Speaker 1: just needing quiet time to be alone, but maybe you're

641
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:13,400
Speaker 1: needing to feel like me and my partner is still

642
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:14,840
Speaker 1: a team and even though there's a whole bunch of

643
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: people in our space, we have this connection and we're here.

644
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,640
Speaker 1: So I would definitely say being transparent about it. It It

645
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,560
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be in a I need a break

646
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 1: from y'all in a rude way or anything like that,

647
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,640
Speaker 1: but just hey, you know what I've been cooking all day.

648
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:31,840
Speaker 1: I'm going to take a second and go upstairs to

649
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:36,480
Speaker 1: rest or before we go out and see The Nutcracker

650
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,360
Speaker 1: or watch this movie. I'm gonna take a moment really

651
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 1: quickly to get ready or something like that, you know,

652
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 1: mm hmmmm. More from my conversation with Jordan's after the break,

653
00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,360
Speaker 1: So I think something else with that is that our

654
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 1: wellness pro this is often get disrupted. Right, So if

655
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 1: we're traveling, maybe we don't have access to our gym

656
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:06,360
Speaker 1: or the equipment that we have at home. So what

657
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 1: tips of strategies would you offer for how to kind

658
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 1: of stay connected to our wellness practices during this time.

659
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 1: I'm often the one traveling because I'm single with no kids,

660
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 1: so I have to go to everyone else, and some

661
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 1: things I know will get disrupted, like I've been going

662
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:23,920
Speaker 1: to bar class. Obviously I can't do that when I'm

663
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:28,200
Speaker 1: on vacation. But there's other parts of my wellness or

664
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,960
Speaker 1: my morning routine that I can't do anywhere. So maybe

665
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,800
Speaker 1: it looks like downloading a certain app, like I used

666
00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:36,400
Speaker 1: to Shine app for mindfulness and the practice gratitude, so

667
00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:40,280
Speaker 1: even if I'm not home, I can access that. Or

668
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,240
Speaker 1: maybe there's something that replaces what you would normally do

669
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 1: if you're used to going to the gym and you

670
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 1: don't have that outlet, maybe it looks like going for

671
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 1: a walk that where you're still getting some energy, still

672
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 1: moving your body, still getting some movement. So I think

673
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:58,400
Speaker 1: tweaking what your wellness practice looks like it could also

674
00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:02,200
Speaker 1: look like inviting others to join you. Right, so maybe

675
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,240
Speaker 1: it feels like I don't have time to step away,

676
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 1: but you know what, maybe someone else wants to go

677
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 1: for a walk with me. Maybe that can be a

678
00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 1: way to connect with an in law or connect with

679
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 1: a family member that I'm close to, and we just

680
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:17,200
Speaker 1: want some time just to ourselves to talk for a bit.

681
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:20,800
Speaker 1: So I would definitely say adding people in if possible,

682
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 1: incorporating or finding some aspects of your wellness routine that

683
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 1: can be done regardless of where you are and prioritizing

684
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 1: that and switching up or making some compromises or concessions

685
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:37,920
Speaker 1: that maybe my wellness won't look the exact same, but

686
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,520
Speaker 1: it can still bring me the same type of feelings

687
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 1: to the Jordan. When you mentioned your single with their kids,

688
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,360
Speaker 1: or you're the one who's always having to travel it

689
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,600
Speaker 1: maybe think you know, at some point you might decide

690
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:49,160
Speaker 1: that you don't want to do that, or I think

691
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:51,279
Speaker 1: we have heard from community members who have said that

692
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,640
Speaker 1: they are like tired of being the one hosting and

693
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 1: they don't want to do it anymore. So they actually

694
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,879
Speaker 1: just want to travel during the holidays and they don't

695
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,759
Speaker 1: want to do any of it. So it would often

696
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,200
Speaker 1: come up is how do you have this conversation like

697
00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:05,480
Speaker 1: with your mama and your grandma saying that you are

698
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:12,120
Speaker 1: not coming to grandma? How do we have this conversation?

699
00:35:12,239 --> 00:35:13,920
Speaker 1: And then I think the other point is like, how

700
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,040
Speaker 1: do you deal with the fallout right of people maybe

701
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 1: being upset or haven't hurt feelings? So I haven't had

702
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 1: to have the conversation myself yet because so far I

703
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,400
Speaker 1: haven't necessarily minded to the point where I want to stop.

704
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:32,040
Speaker 1: I do think that it's a conversation of hey, it

705
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: gets exhausting, or maybe offering some alternatives. I'm tired, I

706
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 1: can't afford to travel. You know, prices have been very extensive,

707
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,319
Speaker 1: so maybe it's either I can't afford or I just

708
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:47,640
Speaker 1: simply don't want to and that's a reason enough. What

709
00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 1: would it be like for you all to come visit

710
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: me instead? Or what would it be like if I

711
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:54,759
Speaker 1: come two weeks later and we do something else then?

712
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,720
Speaker 1: But for this holiday, I just want time to myself,

713
00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 1: or I want to spend time with friends, or a

714
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:02,319
Speaker 1: lot of people like you said, are just they want

715
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: to travel to an island or or be on a

716
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:08,359
Speaker 1: beach because it's cold in November and December. So maybe

717
00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 1: it's a conversation of I really enjoy spending time with

718
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,920
Speaker 1: you all, and I love this family, and while that's true,

719
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 1: I also need a break and this is the only

720
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,520
Speaker 1: time I can do it, because this is when most

721
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,880
Speaker 1: people take time off, And this is what it may

722
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: look like. Maybe we can still create some family traditions.

723
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:27,600
Speaker 1: We can still speak on FaceTime. I'll still be there

724
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:30,720
Speaker 1: for us to have our conversations, but I am physically

725
00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 1: exhausted from always being the one that is expected to

726
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,799
Speaker 1: make the concessions or to make the changes. If you

727
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,839
Speaker 1: are the one that's always hosting, then it can be like, hey,

728
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,440
Speaker 1: let's let's pass the baton. Why don't we switch it up.

729
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 1: Why don't we rotate? Maybe their siblings and I usually host.

730
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 1: What if my sister hosts this year, and the next

731
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:50,799
Speaker 1: year my brother hosts, and then the year after that

732
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:53,319
Speaker 1: it's back to me. Or what if we switch it

733
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,640
Speaker 1: around and make it a little more fun where where

734
00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:59,279
Speaker 1: it's not always the pressure on me because I will

735
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:02,040
Speaker 1: burn out. And would you rather me be bitter and

736
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 1: angry and resentful when we're having a family dinner and miserable?

737
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:10,040
Speaker 1: Or would you rather just pause and reset refigure out

738
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: what our traditions are gonna look like. M hmm. Yeah,

739
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:16,520
Speaker 1: I think that is important, right, because I think we

740
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:18,920
Speaker 1: get so stuck in the rut of just doing what

741
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:21,120
Speaker 1: we've always done and we don't have to think like, hey,

742
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,120
Speaker 1: I actually don't have to do this anymore if I

743
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 1: don't want to. So I think it's an important thing

744
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:28,719
Speaker 1: to consider for sure, and the fallout there may be some,

745
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 1: right because people, especially grandma's, tend to want things where

746
00:37:33,239 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 1: they want, They want to see their grand babies, they

747
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:39,560
Speaker 1: want things how they want them. And just recognizing hopefully

748
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:44,080
Speaker 1: your family can take the tradition and the expectations aside

749
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,600
Speaker 1: and here that you're in a sense crying out for

750
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,640
Speaker 1: help like I cannot do this anymore. I don't have

751
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:52,360
Speaker 1: the capacity too. And I know that this maybe messes

752
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,480
Speaker 1: up what we're used to, but I need this break

753
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:59,640
Speaker 1: in order for us to keep flowing and functioning well

754
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:03,439
Speaker 1: as if family. Mm hmmm. So what do you think

755
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:06,160
Speaker 1: that non black family members can do to support the

756
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 1: black women and girls in their lives during this holiday seven?

757
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:14,719
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. I think be understanding too, and it might

758
00:38:14,719 --> 00:38:17,479
Speaker 1: be difficult to be understanding, but recognize that there are

759
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 1: added pressures that we as black women face, especially if

760
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 1: we're moms, but especially if we're also single, and especially

761
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:29,800
Speaker 1: if we're the oldest daughter or the oldest in the family.

762
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,799
Speaker 1: There are just added pressures where people expect us to

763
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:37,760
Speaker 1: do it all. And maybe as a non black partner

764
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 1: or as a partner observing first year, you can just

765
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:45,000
Speaker 1: see but then validate us and let us know you're

766
00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 1: not crazy for feeling this way. I see that your

767
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,480
Speaker 1: family members are putting a lot of pressure on you,

768
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:52,520
Speaker 1: or I noticed that this is happening. This must be

769
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,000
Speaker 1: really hard for you. Is there anything that I can

770
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:58,760
Speaker 1: do to help you? Would you want me to respond

771
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,080
Speaker 1: to these invites? Would you me to help you make

772
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:02,920
Speaker 1: the food so that you're not doing it yourself, like

773
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:05,640
Speaker 1: just finding a way where you can be a helping hand,

774
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:10,719
Speaker 1: and also a space for them to vent and complain too, right,

775
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:14,480
Speaker 1: because again there's this expectation that everyone should be just

776
00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:18,839
Speaker 1: happy and excited about the holidays, and when you are

777
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:20,839
Speaker 1: faced with a lot of the pressure and a lot

778
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:23,279
Speaker 1: of the planning and a lot of them making sure

779
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: stuff gets done, it's hard to do that and you

780
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 1: may just need someone to let you be mad and

781
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:31,319
Speaker 1: cry it out for a second, and to hug you

782
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,520
Speaker 1: and provide you that comfort, and also let you know, hey,

783
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,360
Speaker 1: you're doing a good job, or I see you, or

784
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,480
Speaker 1: I see all that you're doing. Thank you for that.

785
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,480
Speaker 1: So you mentioned earlier like that you like to sometimes

786
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,240
Speaker 1: record conversations, like when you're talking to elder's in the family,

787
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:48,040
Speaker 1: and I think that that's such a beautiful idea, especially

788
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: around the holidays, because that's often when a lot of

789
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,680
Speaker 1: us are together. What other kinds of things would you

790
00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:56,000
Speaker 1: suggest for people or that you hope people don't lose

791
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 1: sight of as they are gathering with family this holiday season.

792
00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:03,240
Speaker 1: I think the biggest one is obviously, especially with COVID,

793
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:07,840
Speaker 1: life is short, and that what's most important is the

794
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:11,640
Speaker 1: time that we are spending, not always about the gifts,

795
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:14,920
Speaker 1: not always about like who cooked what that is important,

796
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,880
Speaker 1: but focusing on, you know, really just the time that

797
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:22,800
Speaker 1: we're spending. I'm really big on capturing memories and moments,

798
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 1: so I take a lot of pictures or record a

799
00:40:24,920 --> 00:40:28,799
Speaker 1: lot of videos or voice notes because I'm really close

800
00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,040
Speaker 1: with all four of my grandparents and it's been a

801
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:33,480
Speaker 1: huge blessing to have all four of them still, and

802
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:35,040
Speaker 1: so I try to make sure I'm not taking that

803
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:37,719
Speaker 1: for granted. Maybe it looks like, you know, making sure

804
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:39,640
Speaker 1: that you're not taking your siblings for granted or your

805
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,839
Speaker 1: parents were granted, because anything can happen at any moment,

806
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:45,600
Speaker 1: and really focusing on we have this time that we

807
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:48,680
Speaker 1: spent together. Let's be present, Let's try to maybe put

808
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:52,560
Speaker 1: our phones down, Let's try to maybe not focus solely

809
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: on TV, or if we're going to focus on the TV,

810
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:56,879
Speaker 1: it's like a movie or something that we all picked

811
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:01,000
Speaker 1: out to watch together. I think another big thing again,

812
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:06,279
Speaker 1: especially with COVID, we probably missed physical touch and hugs

813
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:09,400
Speaker 1: and being able to like see a family member and

814
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,720
Speaker 1: hold them and spend time with them in that way too,

815
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,520
Speaker 1: and so really cherishing that I think is really important

816
00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:18,360
Speaker 1: as well. M hmmm yeah, really just being president. I

817
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:21,960
Speaker 1: think you said it beautifully there. So Jordan, where can

818
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:24,680
Speaker 1: we stay connected with you? What is your website as

819
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:28,120
Speaker 1: well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Oh? Sure,

820
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:32,840
Speaker 1: My website is www dot therapy is my jam dot com.

821
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,879
Speaker 1: You can also find me on the Therapy for Black

822
00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,279
Speaker 1: Girl's website because I am an author so I have

823
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:40,360
Speaker 1: a nice little page of all the articles that I've written,

824
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:43,200
Speaker 1: and my social media is at therapy as my jam

825
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:46,560
Speaker 1: as well on Instagram and Twitter. Perfect movie. Sure to

826
00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 1: include all of that in the show notes. Thank you

827
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:50,640
Speaker 1: so much for spending some time with us today, Jordan.

828
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: I appreciate it, no problem, It was my pleasure. Thanks

829
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:57,560
Speaker 1: so much for having me. I'm so glad Jordan was

830
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:00,279
Speaker 1: able to share her expertise with us today. To learn

831
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:02,640
Speaker 1: more about her and her work, visit the show notes

832
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,400
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com slash Session to

833
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,040
Speaker 1: eighty two, and don't forget to text two of your

834
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:10,640
Speaker 1: girls and tell them to check out the episode right now.

835
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,040
Speaker 1: If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check

836
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:16,799
Speaker 1: out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot

837
00:42:16,800 --> 00:42:20,040
Speaker 1: com slash directory. And if you want to continue digging

838
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,760
Speaker 1: into this topic or just be in community with other sisters,

839
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:25,080
Speaker 1: come on over and join us in the Sister Circle.

840
00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:27,799
Speaker 1: It's our cozy corner of the Internet designed just for

841
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:30,840
Speaker 1: black women. You can join us at Community not Therapy

842
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:34,279
Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. This episode was produced by

843
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 1: Freda Lucas and Elise Ellis, and editing was done by

844
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,280
Speaker 1: Dennis and Bradford. Thank you all so much for joining

845
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,800
Speaker 1: me again this week. I look forward to continue in

846
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:46,279
Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take it care,