WEBVTT - Relationship Expert Thais Gibson: Do You Keep Attracting The Same Emotionally Unavailable Partner? (Use THIS Attachment Reset To Break The Cycle And Choose Better Partners) 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.760 That's honestly what our relationship baggage is. And those are 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:04.880 all things that interfere the most in our relationships. Oh 0:00:04.880 --> 0:00:06.720 I felt abandoned as a child, Okay, I project that 0:00:06.720 --> 0:00:08.680 as an adult. Oh I felt now good enough as 0:00:08.680 --> 0:00:10.360 a child. That's what I bring into my relationships as 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:12.040 an adult. But those are solvable problems. 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:17.880 Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose today. My guest 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:21.560 is Tyy Gibson, the founder of the Personal Development School 0:00:21.760 --> 0:00:26.680 and the creator of the New Attachment Theory Integrated Attachment Theory. 0:00:26.920 --> 0:00:29.680 Being a leading expert in the space, she helps people 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:34.080 understand their relationship patterns. He'll call wounds and build secure, 0:00:34.240 --> 0:00:38.560 lasting love. In Tys's book, The New Attachment Theory, heal 0:00:38.640 --> 0:00:42.239 every relationship by rewiring your brain and nervous system. She 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:45.760 shares practical tools to change the patterns that shape how 0:00:45.760 --> 0:00:48.559 we connect. Tedys Gibson, welcome to On Purpose. 0:00:48.800 --> 0:00:50.720 Thank you so much for having me. You're lovely and 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:52.239 I'm just I'm really excited to chat with you. 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:54.360 I'm so grateful to have you here. Today's I feel 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:59.000 like the world got addicted to attachment styles and got 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:01.880 fascinated with the languaguage, and I think what so often 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:05.199 happens is we find language to support how we feel, 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:09.120 how we think. But then you're encouraging us with the 0:01:09.120 --> 0:01:13.320 new attachment theory to actually encourage us to heal, to transform, 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.080 to grow. And I feel this is a conversation that 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:18.759 every single person needs to hear because whether it's their 0:01:18.800 --> 0:01:22.720 love life, whether it's their workplace, whether it's their personal 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:25.760 image of who they are, this conversation will make a 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:27.640 difference in their life. Could you start by telling me 0:01:28.080 --> 0:01:31.319 if someone listens to our conversation today, what will change 0:01:31.319 --> 0:01:32.080 for them? 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:34.200 I think the biggest thing, And to your point, like, 0:01:34.280 --> 0:01:36.440 I love that everybody. I've been studying this work for 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:38.040 a long time and in this field for a long time, 0:01:38.080 --> 0:01:40.160 and when attachment style started becoming more mainstream, I was 0:01:40.200 --> 0:01:43.839 so excited. And then over time I started thinking, like, wait, 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:46.360 it's almost becoming to the point where people are just 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:48.960 identifying with it almost as a label, going oh, I 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:51.680 just am this attachment style, rather than being in a 0:01:51.680 --> 0:01:54.080 position of going wait, I have to heal this, Like, 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:58.000 let me understand this. This temporary label gives me contacts 0:01:58.000 --> 0:01:59.920 into the things within me that may need a lot, 0:02:00.000 --> 0:02:03.560 little bit more love or healing or support. But the 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:05.440 actual work is being able to say, Okay, here are 0:02:05.440 --> 0:02:07.080 my patterns, where do they come from, and then actually 0:02:07.080 --> 0:02:09.760 rewiring them at the subconscious level. And that's what I 0:02:09.800 --> 0:02:12.399 definitely hope the key takeaway is for today. 0:02:12.240 --> 0:02:14.600 If someone has no idea what attachment styles are and 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:17.080 this is their first time even hearing that term, how 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:18.720 would you break you down for them and define it 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:19.040 for them? 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:21.000 Yeah. So the first thing is everybody has an attachment 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:23.400 style and there are four of them, and this is 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:26.840 one of the biggest studied bodies of work. Originally, and 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:29.120 it originally came from John Bowlby and Mary Answorth of 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:32.360 Cambridge University and they said, hey, there are four attachment styles. 0:02:32.639 --> 0:02:35.160 The first one is securely attached style. So they represent 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:38.080 about fifty percent of the population data shows us. I 0:02:38.120 --> 0:02:40.040 always have a hard time with that. I'm like, wait, 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:42.160 it seems like it may not be quite so high. 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:46.080 But basically, they have securely attached individuals are people who 0:02:46.120 --> 0:02:48.160 grew up in childhood with what we call a lot 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:51.240 of approach oriented behaviors from their parents. And it sounds 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:53.040 like such a small thing, but it goes such a 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:55.840 long way. So approach oriented behaviors really means that when 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:59.120 a child is young, if they cry or they get distressed, 0:02:59.360 --> 0:03:01.920 the parent is a tuned They're very present and they 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:03.880 notice it and they approach the child to be like, 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:06.320 what's wrong, and they attempt to sue them and make 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:08.800 the child feel better. And what that conditions a child 0:03:08.800 --> 0:03:10.680 to believe at a very young age is my emotions 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:12.800 are worthy of being seen and heard. It's safe to 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:15.080 rely on other people. I can trust that people are 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:16.720 going to be there for me, and also I can 0:03:16.760 --> 0:03:20.280 communicate and almost most importantly, I am worthy of love 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:23.520 as I am on my good days, on my bad days, 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:25.800 and my good moments and in my hard moments. And 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:28.320 so there's a lot of really healthy condition that that 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:30.639 child adopts. And so of course that's the type of 0:03:30.680 --> 0:03:33.600 patterning they bring into their relationships as adults. And what's 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:35.800 really interesting to me is it securely attached people, they 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:39.160 report not just having the longest lasting relationships, but they 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:41.600 report the most satisfaction in their relationships. And that's a 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:44.640 very meaningful thing. And I'm just a big believer in relationships. 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:47.080 I love people, I care about people, and I really 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:49.720 think that relationships determine the quality of our life in 0:03:49.760 --> 0:03:52.800 so many ways, and so that's very meaningful in terms of, 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:55.200 you know, the stats on that. And then we have 0:03:55.280 --> 0:03:57.760 three insecure attachment styles. This makes up the other fifty 0:03:57.760 --> 0:03:58.960 percent or so of the population. 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:01.400 I call many fifty percent of people are secure. That's 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:02.160 that's huge. 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:03.760 That's what I think all the time. 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:05.640 I feel like, oh, my girlfriends are struggling to find 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:07.800 that that kind of person, Like all my friends who 0:04:07.800 --> 0:04:10.920 are dating, all my friends are dating, are definitely struggling 0:04:10.920 --> 0:04:11.880 to find that fifty percent. 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:15.000 I always think that myself, and to be honest, first 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:16.640 of all, it's conditioning, and we'll get into a lot 0:04:16.640 --> 0:04:18.760 of this, I'm sure, but condition changes. So somebody could 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:20.440 be security young age when a lot of these experiments 0:04:20.440 --> 0:04:22.800 are originally done, and then they can go through relationship 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:26.280 struggles and become insecure later. And secondly, I'm always like, oh, 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:28.080 maybe it's my sample size of people, you know, because 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:30.760 I always see people wore insecurely attached become secure, So going, okay, 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:33.240 maybe that's why. But securely attached people often end up 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:35.880 in relationships pretty early with other securely attached people, and 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.560 we can get into why that happens at a subconscious level, 0:04:38.560 --> 0:04:41.280 because you usually pair up with people of a specific 0:04:41.279 --> 0:04:44.000 attachment cell for specific reasons. But to your point, I 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:45.560 wonder the same thing. I'm like, come on this out. 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:49.640 Yeah, But the other fifty percent of the insecure attachment is. 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:51.880 Exactly So then we have three and I like to 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:53.760 think of the other three as being along a continuum 0:04:53.760 --> 0:04:55.960 in a way. So one end of the continuum of 0:04:56.040 --> 0:04:59.520 the anxious attachment style anxiously attached individuals. They grow up 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:04.120 with either real or perceived abandonment. Real abandonment is the obvious. 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:05.840 You know, a parent passes away at a young age 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:08.760 god forbid, or a parent is you know, they leave 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:10.480 at a young age for a child, and all of 0:05:10.480 --> 0:05:12.120 a sudden, that child grows up feeling like, oh my gosh, 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:14.520 am I going to be left or abandoned again. Perceived 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:18.040 abandonment is really interesting because the neuroscience of trauma tells 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.560 us that small tea trauma repeatedly enough over time has 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:24.800 a quite similar impact to a singular big tea trauma. 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:28.800 So perceived abandonment consistently in a child's upbringing cause them 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:31.080 to have real, real abandonment wounds as an adult, similar 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:32.960 to if there was a real abandonment that took place, 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:36.640 and perceived abandonment is things like you have very loving parents, 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:38.960 but they're really busy. They're always working, they're always traveling 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:40.920 for work. And so children grow up in this environment 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:43.800 going Okay, love is here and then love is taken 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:45.560 away and love is here and it's taken away, and 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:50.200 that inconsistency there causes this child to really brace and 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:53.719 deeply fear love being taken away. And so as adults, 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:56.159 these individuals they adapt in their life to be like, 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:58.960 let me really be charming and charismatic and well legged, 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.479 so I win people low and they end up having 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:04.920 superpowers in that way in many forms, but also anxiously 0:06:04.960 --> 0:06:07.440 attach adults. They people please so much to the point 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:10.040 where they can burn themselves out, or they people please 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:13.160 to the point of self silencing, and they're big wounds. 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:17.240 So we took this original body of attachment theory and 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:19.599 they know it, said here're your for attachment cells. Good luck, 0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:22.120 and it was sort of like, wait, but you can 0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:25.040 recondition pretty much anything, like you can rewire these things. 0:06:25.080 --> 0:06:27.560 And I originally started in this work for that reason. 0:06:28.320 --> 0:06:30.840 And so what we found is that anxious attachment cells 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:34.080 They have big core wounds, specifically around the fear of abandonment, 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:38.839 the fear of being alone, excluded, disliked, rejected, not good enough. 0:06:39.080 --> 0:06:42.039 These are like these huge wounds and triggers in their relationships, 0:06:42.279 --> 0:06:45.000 and they need very specific things in relationships. They need 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:49.200 more validation, approval. They really like certainty if somebody cancels 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:51.280 plans with them, they really want to know, Okay, you're 0:06:51.279 --> 0:06:53.159 canceling plans, but tell me what I'm going to see 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:54.760 you next, and then they can sort of rest and 0:06:54.760 --> 0:06:57.599 feel comfortable and safe. And so they end up in 0:06:57.600 --> 0:07:00.400 situations where they sometimes struggle with their boundaries. Growing up, 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:03.520 they often end up in situations as well where because 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:06.360 they're so busy making sure that everybody else is good, 0:07:06.720 --> 0:07:08.640 they kind of forget about themselves and they put themselves 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.600 on the back burner. So anxious attachment sells. As adults, 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:14.520 they often also were very much invested in and attracted 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:18.240 to emotionally unavailable people, and that becomes really problematic. 0:07:18.240 --> 0:07:18.880 It's different way. 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:24.320 Yeah, So they become attracted to emotionally unavailable people because 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:26.440 and I guess maybe I'll give a little bit more 0:07:26.440 --> 0:07:29.680 of a backstory to this, you know, for me, I 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:33.760 originally got into this work because I, you know, had 0:07:34.000 --> 0:07:36.480 a turbulent childhood and actually got addicted to pain killers 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:39.880 after a knee surgery at fifteen, and I you know, 0:07:40.000 --> 0:07:42.760 really struggled with about a six year daily use of 0:07:42.760 --> 0:07:45.800 opioids and tried in patient rehab and out patient rehab 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:48.000 and had all of these these things come up. And 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:51.320 what was really interesting is I felt like life was 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:53.160 really hard, and I felt like relationships were really hard 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:56.000 at that point, and I tried a lot of things 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:57.880 that weren't really working. And I was in school for 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:01.200 psychology and like maybe all the outside my life looked 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:04.000 like you're doing well, You're you're okay, but on the inside, 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:05.559 I was like a mass, like I was really hurting. 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:08.160 And I was in a psych class and I was 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:09.760 seriously thinking, like I think I need to leave school, 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:11.560 like I don't think I can take this handless. And 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.080 somebody said to me in a class they were like 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:16.760 I wasn't even the professor as a student, and he said, oh, 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:20.280 your conscious mind can't outwill or overpower your subconscious mind. 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:24.320 And for me that was like so powerful because I 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:27.640 was sitting there going, oh, so you're telling me that, 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:29.720 Like all the times they say I'm going to get clean, 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:31.720 I'm going to change my life. I'm gonna, you know, 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:33.920 stop all these these really painful things that I'm doing. 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:35.760 I'm going to delete people's numbers from my phone. I'm 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:39.080 going to change, and then I don't. It's not that 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:41.880 I'm weak or powerless or not capable. It's that, like, 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:44.840 this is actually what's going on, it's my subconscious mind. 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:48.480 So I originally started this work by getting sober and 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:51.040 then being obsessed with learning about the subconscious mind and 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:53.360 the ego and how all this works from sort of 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:55.199 this like spiritual perspective to how do we sort of 0:08:55.280 --> 0:08:58.600 transcend those patterns in those conditions. So I was originally 0:08:58.600 --> 0:09:00.600 working for the first few years of my actice not 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:03.520 with attachment cells, but actually with people in their core wounds. 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:06.160 So like, what are these big triggers that we carry 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:10.000 from our past into our present and you know, how 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:12.000 is this showing up in our life? And so what 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:14.120 was really interesting about that is I was working with 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:16.840 people on rewiring their triggers, learning their own needs and 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:19.400 how to meet them in healthy ways, learning to regulate 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:22.840 their nervous system, learning to communicate and set boundaries. And 0:09:22.880 --> 0:09:25.640 then I came to attachment cells actually because I met 0:09:25.679 --> 0:09:27.840 my now husband and we both had our own little 0:09:27.840 --> 0:09:30.560 things we hadn't worked out in relationships yet, and I 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:32.640 started revisiting attachment theory, which I had learned at a 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:37.520 very high level in university, and I was like, wait, Like, 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.320 first of all, if I know somebody's attachment cell, I 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:43.280 now know exactly what their core wounds are going to be, 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:45.280 exactly what their needs are going to be, exactly what 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.360 these emotional patterns are going to be in relationships, and 0:09:47.400 --> 0:09:49.200 what their nervous system is going to be functioning like. 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:51.920 And I know what types of boundary issues they're going 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:54.479 to have and how they tend to communicate in relationships. 0:09:54.840 --> 0:09:56.880 And it was so interesting because like original attachment theory 0:09:56.880 --> 0:09:58.160 didn't cover any of that. It was more about like 0:09:58.200 --> 0:10:01.439 temperament and some of your behaviors. And so I was like, oh, 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:03.440 my gosh, tell me somebody's attachment cell and I can 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:06.320 help them rewire all these different patterns and themes. And 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:09.000 so what was really exciting to me is like attachment 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:11.680 styles became mainstream, but then it was like, Okay, here's 0:10:11.679 --> 0:10:14.000 your attachment cell. And that's when people start to identify 0:10:14.000 --> 0:10:16.200 instead of like, hey, let me do that underlying work. 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:20.320 So going back to detoured there, but going back to this, 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.240 that's the anxious attachment cell in the nutshells, Like, those 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:25.920 are their themes and their patterns. They fear, like the abandonment, 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:29.679 feeling not good enough, feeling excluded, dislike rejected. Those are 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.640 those big triggers that they're bringing from their past because 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:35.880 their subconscious mind was imprinted with that, and then we 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:38.040 always project that into the present. And I often give 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:40.080 people this analogy of like a bear in the woods. 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:42.880 If you go into the woods tomorrow and you see 0:10:42.880 --> 0:10:45.800 a bear and you run from it and you're safe, 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:47.840 thank goodness. But then the very next day you go 0:10:47.880 --> 0:10:50.320 back into the woods, Well, what does your mind do. 0:10:50.520 --> 0:10:52.880 You're like bracing for the bear. You're like the bear 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:54.280 is coming. The trees blow in the wind, and you're like, 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:57.000 oh my god, the bear. And so what's really interesting 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:59.679 is that we all do that, right, we all have. 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:01.680 Oh I felt abandoned as a child, Okay, I project 0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:03.600 that as an adult. Oh I felt not good enough 0:11:03.640 --> 0:11:05.280 as a child. That's what I bring into my relationships 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:07.760 as an adult. And that's honestly what our relationship baggage is, 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:09.800 and those are all things that interfere the most in 0:11:09.840 --> 0:11:12.800 our relationships, but those are solvable problems. So that's sort 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:14.360 of the anxious attachment s all And do you want 0:11:14.360 --> 0:11:15.280 me to go into the other two? 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:17.160 Yes, exact, Okay, so we have. 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:19.280 Our secure we have are anxious. At the other end 0:11:19.280 --> 0:11:22.600 of the continuums are dismissive avoidant, So the dismissive avoidant 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:26.240 attachment style. They grow up with their overarching theme being 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:30.240 childhood emotional neglect. And sometimes you hear that and you 0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:32.920 kind of imagine that, Okay, this person is going through 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:36.480 their childhood and you know they have this really intense 0:11:36.559 --> 0:11:39.400 dynamic where they're alone at three years old and they're 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:41.240 trying to find food. Like of course it can be 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:44.680 these really extreme scenarios, but most often childhood emotional neglect 0:11:44.760 --> 0:11:48.320 is very much that you have these kids who food's 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.360 on the table, so there's structure and order, they're at 0:11:50.400 --> 0:11:52.760 school on time, but their parents are not emotionally available 0:11:52.760 --> 0:11:55.400 and not attuned. And it's usually not the inconsistency like 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:57.840 once attuned and one's not. It's usually both are not 0:11:57.880 --> 0:12:01.640 really attuned, and they're much more uninvolved, and because children 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:04.600 are literally wired for attunement, they are wired for connection. 0:12:04.720 --> 0:12:06.560 We need as children to feel safe and to feel 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:09.440 seen and to feel special. Children come into this environment 0:12:09.480 --> 0:12:12.200 and they're like, Okay, well, I guess this part of 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.720 me that needs this is defective and wrong. And so 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:16.720 what they end up doing to adapt to an environment 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:20.040 like that is repressing their attachment needs and minimizing their 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:23.320 need for emotional connection. And so they feel better and 0:12:23.360 --> 0:12:25.200 like they have a sense of control when they're able 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:28.800 to do that. But then as adults that really causes 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:31.560 destruction to their relationships because they've learned, Okay, this part 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:36.000 of me, my emotional, vulnerable self, is defective or shameful. 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:38.040 If I express it too much, I'll be weak. These 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:40.240 are their big triggers. They end up feeling very afraid 0:12:40.280 --> 0:12:43.360 of relying on other people and being helpless or trapped 0:12:43.360 --> 0:12:46.679 in a situation or engulfed, and they very much internalize 0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:49.400 a lot of shame from childhood because as a child, 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:52.800 if you yearn for connection and it keeps getting rejected 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:55.160 and nobody's paying attention, well, then of course as an 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:57.640 adult you're like, oh, deep down, if people really see me, 0:12:57.679 --> 0:12:58.920 they're going to reject me like that too, and it 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.280 must be shameful, like something deep down must be defective 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:03.920 or broken within me. And so it's so interesting because 0:13:03.920 --> 0:13:06.320 they're very stoic. Dismissable winds are very stoic. You often 0:13:06.320 --> 0:13:09.040 don't see it, but that tends to be what they 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:11.480 bring into their relationships. Those are their biggest core triggers 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:14.360 and fears from this new attachment theory perspective. And so 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:17.160 then we have these adults who go into their relationships 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:19.240 and there are the types of individuals as adults who 0:13:19.240 --> 0:13:21.880 are like, oh, they're great at the beginning when everything's 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.120 easy and light, and then after you date them for 0:13:24.280 --> 0:13:26.160 four or five six months, when things get a little 0:13:26.160 --> 0:13:29.760 more real and serious, they jet or they pull away, 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:32.920 or they retreat, and then they end up in situations where, 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:35.120 you know, even if they make it through that period 0:13:35.160 --> 0:13:38.600 of time and keep dating somebody and keep investing, they 0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:41.719 really retreat emotionally and they shut down. And so then 0:13:41.760 --> 0:13:44.400 you have these individuals as adults who are like, Okay, 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:47.000 you know, I feel like I'm trying to connect with 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:49.640 you and my partner's not really available or present, and 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:52.840 they really cope by trying to always minimize their attachment 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.120 needs and create space, and so they become quite distant 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:57.560 in relationships. And then the very last one is the 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:02.200 fearful avoidant attachment style. Fearful avoidance are basically characterized by 0:14:02.480 --> 0:14:05.160 more big T trauma growing up, some more emotional chaos. 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:06.960 You know, it can be anything from like having a 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:09.800 parent with narcissistic personality disorder to having a parent who 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:12.760 is an alcoholic or parents an active addiction, are really 0:14:12.840 --> 0:14:15.200 intense divorce growing up. You have more extreme kind of 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:19.080 scenarios that that children are exposed to, but they're wiring 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:22.880 is such that. Well, an anxious attachment style is like 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:24.960 they always want more closeness than to win people over, 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:28.320 and avoidance always want more space and to keep distance. 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.520 Fearful avoidance learn that love is both a really good 0:14:31.520 --> 0:14:34.120 thing and a really hard thing. Interesting, so they grow 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:36.920 up essentially going, well, love is a good thing because 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:39.880 let's say, for example, that mom is an alcoholic. Well, 0:14:39.960 --> 0:14:42.120 maybe one day mom comes home and she's had a 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:43.800 few drinks, but she's in a good mood and she's 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:45.760 loving and she embraces you, and you're like, oh, love 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:47.360 is safe, love is good. I want more of this 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:50.560 and then other days, maybe mom's an alcoholic and she's 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:52.720 drinking more heavily, and now she's angry drunk, and she's 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:56.000 cruel and she's mean and she's unpredictable. And a child 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:57.480 is like, well, love is a really good thing, but 0:14:57.480 --> 0:14:59.400 it can also really hurt me. It will be really 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:02.280 harsh and critical and cruel sometimes to me, And so 0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:05.280 they end up having very competing associations about the same thing. 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:07.400 They're like, love is both really good and really bad. 0:15:07.960 --> 0:15:10.560 And then as adults what ends up happening is they're 0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:12.560 the very hot and cold partner. A lot of their 0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:14.920 core wounds from their childhood. Their version of the bear 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.440 in the woods is they fear abandonment because they feel 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:20.040 that abandonment when that love isn't there. They fear being 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:22.680 trapped and helpless if they rely on people, because they've 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:24.760 had times where they rely on somebody who's really unpredictable 0:15:24.800 --> 0:15:27.200 and scary, and they have a huge core wound around 0:15:27.200 --> 0:15:30.320 feeling betrayed. That's the biggest wound we found from the 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:33.240 new attachment theory perspective, is like always waiting for the 0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:36.160 other shoe to drop, always waiting to be on high alert, 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:38.560 like is somebody gonna hurt me. And what happens to 0:15:38.560 --> 0:15:42.000 fearful avoidance is they get into relationships and love feels 0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:44.800 like a very bittersweet experience. And I'll speak for myself 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:48.280 because I was a fearful avoidant, and I remember before 0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:50.560 doing a lot of deep in our work, my early 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:53.560 serious relationships when I was much younger, feeling like I 0:15:53.560 --> 0:15:56.360 would fall in love and feeling like I loved the 0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:58.600 feeling of being in love and connecting and really wanted 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:02.160 that depth and connection. But it was also very bittersweet 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.960 because the more I loved, the more I was like, Oh, 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:07.360 you're for sure going to hurt me that much more, 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:08.840 Like this is going to be a really bad ending, 0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:11.040 and there was this sort of belief that everything was 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:13.880 going to inevitably be really bad and really painful. So 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:15.440 love feels so good, but it also feels like a 0:16:15.440 --> 0:16:17.520 threat and it's scary, and it causes you in a 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:19.680 relationship to be like come get close, coming close, and 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:22.480 somebody get closer, like get back. I changed my mind. 0:16:22.640 --> 0:16:25.080 And so you see this, and you see it like clockwork. 0:16:25.080 --> 0:16:27.040 I've seen this with tons of thousands of clients I've 0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:29.560 worked with the same themes the same patterns. And I 0:16:29.560 --> 0:16:31.920 remember having one woman and she said to me, I 0:16:31.960 --> 0:16:35.160 could tell by the way my mom got home from work. 0:16:35.320 --> 0:16:36.720 I would be upstairs in my room, and I could 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:38.600 tell by the way my mom closed the door on 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:40.560 her way in if I should close my door quickly 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:42.680 or not. And it's like, fearful avoids learned to be 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:45.440 very hyper vigilant. They learned to read between the lines. 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:48.840 They read like every little micro expression and body language 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:50.880 and change in a tone of voice, because that's how 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:53.680 they've learned to attach. So anxious people are like, let me, 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:56.080 let me get close to you, and people please Dismissive 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.880 avoidance are like, let me keep space. Fearful avoidance are like, 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:01.440 let me notice little thing about you so I can 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:04.040 predict your future and I can know how to respond. 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:06.439 And it gives them that superpower in a way. But 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:08.040 often then when you have these wounds and then you 0:17:08.080 --> 0:17:11.240 jump to conclusions like, oh, something change, something's off, you're 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:13.199 gonna band and or betray me, or you're trying to 0:17:13.200 --> 0:17:15.120 control me, and you sort of jump to those conclusions. 0:17:15.119 --> 0:17:18.359 It makes for a really turbulent set of relationships and lifestyle. 0:17:18.920 --> 0:17:22.159 I think what you just explained I think everyone listening 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:25.520 is like, that's who I am, that's who i've dated, 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.120 that's who my parents are, right Like, when you break 0:17:29.160 --> 0:17:31.879 you down that way, I feel it gives people so 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:35.840 much clarity to actually recognize all the mistakes they're repeating, 0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:41.240 all the things they're carrying. Why we walk into relationships 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:44.879 where we can sense something doesn't quite make sense, or 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:47.240 why we get attracted to familiar patterns that we saw 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:51.600 in our parents. It feels like this can help people 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.920 actually give them a map of how to make sense 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:58.679 of their emotions and even the people they meet. What 0:17:58.760 --> 0:18:02.080 would you encourage someone to do differently? If someone's listening 0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:05.159 right now and they're dating, how can they use what 0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:07.440 you've just shared to date differently? 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:10.560 Yeah, so really good question. So you touched on something 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:13.000 earlier and I sidetracked and good to come back to. 0:18:13.040 --> 0:18:15.159 But it's actually this, It's that we you were like, 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:17.080 what causes that sort of attraction piece and this place 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:20.240 right into this, which is we are attracted to people. 0:18:20.320 --> 0:18:22.680 So your conscious mind is responsible for three to five 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:25.040 percent of all of your beliefs, your thoughts, your emotions, 0:18:25.080 --> 0:18:28.720 your actions. Your subconscious and unconscious collectively are ninety five 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:31.320 to ninety seven percent. And so what's really interesting is 0:18:31.359 --> 0:18:34.040 consciously our conscious minds, our logical analytical mind, and our 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:37.840 subconsciousness are our habituate itself, our programming or conditioning, and 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:42.080 our conscious mind will say, I want the emotionally available partner, 0:18:42.440 --> 0:18:43.920 I want the person who is ready to be and 0:18:43.920 --> 0:18:45.600 a related We'll say all the things in the world, 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:51.000 but secure people feel that consciously and subconsciously. Insecure people don't. 0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:53.840 Insecurelyttuch people don't really have that same experience. So, for example, 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:59.920 our subconscious mind equates familiarity to safety and thus survival, 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:02.600 and ultimately we're survival wired. And so what ends up 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.240 happening is people who are let's say anxiously attached, for example, 0:19:05.320 --> 0:19:08.919 they'll often say consciously that they want the emotionally available partner, 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:11.800 but they will feel most attracted to and be most 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:14.639 likely to invest in because your subconscious mind runs the 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:19.080 show people who are most familiar. What is most familiar 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:22.560 to each of us is actually the way we treat ourselves. 0:19:23.520 --> 0:19:26.040 And so if you look at the anxious person, how 0:19:26.040 --> 0:19:27.960 does the anxious person treat themselves well? Because they're so 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:30.399 externally focused on everybody else's feelings, and needs. They often 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:34.000 dismiss and avoid their own feelings, their needs, their boundaries, 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:36.399 and so what happens as a result of that is 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:38.920 they are very much often attracted to people who will 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:40.960 mirror that back to them. And even if you flip 0:19:41.000 --> 0:19:44.000 that around to the dismissive avoidant, dismissive avoidance end up 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:47.160 in situations where they're like preoccupied with their own time 0:19:47.200 --> 0:19:49.240 to themselves. They're going, do I have enough time to 0:19:49.280 --> 0:19:51.480 myself to regulate? Do I have enough space? And so 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:53.760 what's really interesting is consciously they'll say, oh, I want 0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:57.520 somebody who gets my freedom and respects it. But subconsciously 0:19:57.520 --> 0:20:00.000 they'll often go and invest in people who are very 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:02.200 preoccupied with them. And so that's why you often pair 0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:04.360 up with people of different attachment cells, and that's often 0:20:04.359 --> 0:20:06.200 why you see secure people will be with secure people. 0:20:06.520 --> 0:20:09.080 And so when it comes to dating, the most important thing, 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:11.159 and I will say this forever and nobody likes to 0:20:11.240 --> 0:20:13.480 hear of, but it's the truth, is that the most 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:15.280 important thing you're ever going to do is learn to 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:17.760 have a secure relationship with yourself first. And that's going 0:20:17.760 --> 0:20:20.680 to be through rewiring these insecure patterns. And I'm sure 0:20:20.720 --> 0:20:23.520 we can get into all the ways, how but rewiring 0:20:23.600 --> 0:20:26.239 those insecure patterns. Because you can say that you want 0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:28.280 the healthiest relationship, you can have your checklist, you can 0:20:28.280 --> 0:20:30.320 know your needs, you can try to ask all the 0:20:30.359 --> 0:20:31.960 right questions on the dates and go to the right 0:20:31.960 --> 0:20:34.879 places and find the right people. But ultimately you often 0:20:34.920 --> 0:20:37.320 will find that you're in relationships with people who might 0:20:37.359 --> 0:20:38.879 have all those things on the checklist, and you're like, 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:41.720 I just don't feel trafted to them. Oh this person, 0:20:41.720 --> 0:20:43.479 And I've heard this all the time. I actually used 0:20:43.520 --> 0:20:45.160 to do this when I was much younger, before doing 0:20:45.160 --> 0:20:47.000 the work. I had people who would date them or 0:20:47.000 --> 0:20:48.960 start to get to know them, and they were very secure, 0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:51.359 and I would be like, this is kind of boring. 0:20:51.200 --> 0:20:51.520 Like. 0:20:53.080 --> 0:20:55.800 Where's the roller coaster? Because that's what was most familiar, 0:20:56.119 --> 0:20:58.640 And this is like a conversation about with thousands of people. 0:20:58.680 --> 0:21:00.840 At this point, we are not going to be attracted 0:21:00.880 --> 0:21:04.080 to the right people according to our conscious mind's evaluation 0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:06.119 of it until we do that in our work for 0:21:06.160 --> 0:21:08.560 us to heal to become secure to self, and then 0:21:08.600 --> 0:21:10.359 that will be attracted to and want to invest in 0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:11.000 with other people. 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:14.240 That makes so much sense. It's why making the list 0:21:14.280 --> 0:21:16.919 of everything you want in your ideal person doesn't just 0:21:17.000 --> 0:21:20.040 make sense because that's a conscious mind. Or this idea 0:21:20.200 --> 0:21:22.040 of oh, if you vision them and dream them and 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:25.520 vision board them doesn't make sense because that's your conscious mind. 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:29.480 And while everything meanwhile, everything's happening in your subconscious mind, 0:21:29.920 --> 0:21:33.680 which isn't ready, isn't prepared. Is rejecting someone that's actually 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:37.400 good for you is boring and accepting someone who's terrible 0:21:37.440 --> 0:21:40.639 for you because it's familiar, and so the chaos and 0:21:40.680 --> 0:21:43.000 the ups and downs, and so that may it now 0:21:43.080 --> 0:21:47.240 makes sense listening to that why we're attracted to the 0:21:47.760 --> 0:21:52.400 people that make us feel insecure or people that are 0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:56.159 not emotionally available, because we've had that before, so we 0:21:56.280 --> 0:21:59.680 know what behaviors to play into, which is, I'll be hypervigilant, 0:21:59.760 --> 0:22:03.080 if I'm a fearful avoidant, I'll be super distant. If 0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:06.760 I'm one of you knows, it's fascinating to me that. Yeah, 0:22:06.840 --> 0:22:09.920 just listening to that just makes it make sense. And 0:22:09.960 --> 0:22:12.359 as you said, the advice you just gave is becoming 0:22:12.400 --> 0:22:15.520 secure in your relationship with yourself. You're not just saying, hey, 0:22:15.560 --> 0:22:17.119 you have to love yourself first, or you have to 0:22:17.400 --> 0:22:21.800 you're saying to actually, you can actually technically develop a 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:27.200 subconscious relationship with yourself that is based on security and safety. 0:22:27.480 --> 0:22:29.760 Yes, so earlier when I was saying there was the 0:22:29.800 --> 0:22:31.760 original attachment theory was like these are the attachment styles, 0:22:31.760 --> 0:22:33.919 but kind of just talked about their temperaments and some 0:22:33.960 --> 0:22:35.600 of the themes and their childhood and how they behave. 0:22:36.359 --> 0:22:37.760 I had already been doing this work with like the 0:22:37.760 --> 0:22:40.720 core wounds and the needs and the nervous system frameworks 0:22:40.720 --> 0:22:43.240 with people and help people communicate and how they behave, 0:22:43.240 --> 0:22:45.359 and I was specifically in the body of work for 0:22:45.359 --> 0:22:47.399 the first few years I was working with people, just 0:22:47.520 --> 0:22:50.119 helping people like rewire their painful patterns and a lot 0:22:50.160 --> 0:22:52.679 of it was from their childhood conditioning. But I hadn't 0:22:52.720 --> 0:22:55.400 ever put it into the theme of like attachment styles. 0:22:55.920 --> 0:22:58.760 And then when I met my husband and we started 0:22:58.760 --> 0:23:01.040 getting more serious, and I was like, ooh, I still 0:23:01.080 --> 0:23:02.920 have a little like relationship work to do. I don't 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:04.680 a lot of work to be really peaceful with him myself, 0:23:04.720 --> 0:23:07.120 but I had a little relationship work to do with him, 0:23:07.119 --> 0:23:08.679 and I kind of felt like he also had some 0:23:08.720 --> 0:23:12.320 work to do with me, and I revisited more about 0:23:12.400 --> 0:23:14.280 learning about relationships, and the first time I went back 0:23:14.320 --> 0:23:15.800 to it was like, oh, attachment cells, and I was like, oh, 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:19.000 my goodness. Once I know somebody's attachments cell, Every attachment 0:23:19.000 --> 0:23:21.360 cell has these core wounds and these patterns with their 0:23:21.400 --> 0:23:24.520 needs and these patterns with their nervous system communication behaviors. 0:23:24.560 --> 0:23:28.000 And so what we ended up creating is this whole 0:23:28.000 --> 0:23:31.159 body of work that's you can actually rewire each of 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:33.600 those things at the subconscious level, because your subconscious mind 0:23:33.640 --> 0:23:36.040 is literally driving your life. And so it's like all 0:23:36.080 --> 0:23:38.560 of the condition that we've picked up from past experiences 0:23:38.600 --> 0:23:40.800 in our own personal warehouse, how do we start to 0:23:40.800 --> 0:23:43.159 recondition and we really boil it into those five pillars. 0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:46.080 So the first pillar and this is like, I love 0:23:46.119 --> 0:23:48.359 that you said it's not just about self love, because 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:50.480 sometimes I don't know. Sometimes you hear stuff and people 0:23:50.480 --> 0:23:52.399 say just forgive people, and you're like, that would be 0:23:52.480 --> 0:23:54.240 nice if I felt like that. How do I emotionally 0:23:54.320 --> 0:23:56.240 arrive there and how do I actually feel that deeply? 0:23:56.720 --> 0:23:57.760 And so a lot of the work is how do 0:23:57.800 --> 0:23:59.920 we actually get to our subconscious mind because that's how 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:02.320 things unfold this way, And same with self love. It's 0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:05.560 a subconscious process because if you didn't get love mirror 0:24:05.600 --> 0:24:08.119 too in healthy ways growing up, you're going to mirror 0:24:08.119 --> 0:24:10.040 that back in the relationship to yourself and as adult, 0:24:10.200 --> 0:24:12.120 and then you're going to be attracted to unhealthy forms 0:24:12.160 --> 0:24:15.040 of love as an adult with other people. So first 0:24:15.160 --> 0:24:18.000 pillar of really healing is to learn to rewire your 0:24:18.000 --> 0:24:21.200 core wounds, and we can go through a natural exercise here. 0:24:21.240 --> 0:24:25.720 So first step, there's three steps in doing this. Let's 0:24:25.760 --> 0:24:27.320 just say, for EA's sake, that the core wound is 0:24:27.320 --> 0:24:28.639 not good enough when we talked about each of them 0:24:28.680 --> 0:24:30.879 for the different attachment styles earlier, So people can kind 0:24:30.880 --> 0:24:32.440 of hold that core wound in their mind that stood 0:24:32.440 --> 0:24:34.520 out to them, and you ideally want to work on 0:24:34.520 --> 0:24:36.560 one at a time. So not good enough? What is 0:24:36.600 --> 0:24:39.280 the opposite? I am good enough. That part's really easy. 0:24:39.760 --> 0:24:42.400 The second piece when it comes to actually rewiring these 0:24:42.400 --> 0:24:45.679 things is I'm not a big believer in affirmations. The 0:24:45.760 --> 0:24:49.360 reason being that affirmations are of the conscious mind. Your 0:24:49.440 --> 0:24:53.159 conscious mind speaks language. Okay, your subconscious mind does not 0:24:53.240 --> 0:24:56.400 speak language. It doesn't really understand language much at all. 0:24:56.600 --> 0:24:58.480 What does a subconscious mind speak? 0:24:58.600 --> 0:25:01.760 It speaks in emotions and images. So if I say 0:25:01.760 --> 0:25:03.800 to you, Okay, whatever you do, Jay, do not think 0:25:03.840 --> 0:25:06.680 of a pink elephant. Like you probably flash an image 0:25:06.720 --> 0:25:09.959 of a pink elephant even though you heard do not, 0:25:10.080 --> 0:25:11.840 your conscious mind herd do not. And then after you 0:25:11.880 --> 0:25:13.320 flash the image and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have 0:25:13.359 --> 0:25:16.240 thought of the elephant. That's because our subconscious also reacts 0:25:16.240 --> 0:25:17.840 a little bit more quickly than our conscious mind in 0:25:17.880 --> 0:25:20.880 many ways. So we have to actually use our conscious 0:25:20.920 --> 0:25:23.480 mind to rewire our subconscious mind, because we can do that, 0:25:23.960 --> 0:25:27.080 but we actually our conscious mind cannot outwill or overpower 0:25:27.080 --> 0:25:29.600 our subconscious mind, can only rewire it. Part of why 0:25:29.640 --> 0:25:31.320 you hear people be like, oh, I said I was 0:25:31.359 --> 0:25:33.199 going to quit eating chocolate for my New Year's resolution, 0:25:33.280 --> 0:25:35.040 and then they go back to eating chocolate three days later. 0:25:35.080 --> 0:25:37.280 Because the last things are built into your subconscious we 0:25:37.320 --> 0:25:39.639 really have a hard time changing behaviors. So first step, 0:25:39.680 --> 0:25:41.280 I am not good enough. I am good enough, the 0:25:41.280 --> 0:25:43.399 opposite of your core wound. I'll be abandoned, I'm worthy 0:25:43.400 --> 0:25:46.119 of connection, I'll be unloved, I'm lovable. Right, so we 0:25:46.400 --> 0:25:51.040 pick the opposite step two because we need repetition of 0:25:51.040 --> 0:25:55.360 emotions and imagery because repetition fires and wires in neural pathways, 0:25:55.480 --> 0:25:58.159 emotions and images do it at the subconscious level. So 0:25:58.200 --> 0:26:01.440 you're like, how do we find emotions and images? Well, interestingly, 0:26:01.520 --> 0:26:05.840 every memory we ever have is a container of emotions 0:26:05.840 --> 0:26:06.320 and imagery. 0:26:06.400 --> 0:26:07.119 Yeah. Absolutely. 0:26:07.200 --> 0:26:08.920 So if you say, okay, what was your favorite childhood 0:26:08.920 --> 0:26:11.080 memory and you were playing at the beach or the ocean, 0:26:11.560 --> 0:26:13.920 and you see the reds bucket and you see the 0:26:14.320 --> 0:26:16.600 waves and your family's faces, like you see the images, 0:26:16.920 --> 0:26:20.160 and we've all seen when people have an exciting experience 0:26:20.280 --> 0:26:22.520 or a happy memory, they smile or they laugh or 0:26:22.520 --> 0:26:25.280 their body language changes. And so what we do is 0:26:25.320 --> 0:26:27.600 we're going to come up with ten memories to support 0:26:27.680 --> 0:26:29.439 the new idea that we're trying to drive to the 0:26:29.440 --> 0:26:32.920 subconscious mind. So, for example, I am good enough ten 0:26:33.000 --> 0:26:36.080 times I actually felt good enough. And they do not 0:26:36.200 --> 0:26:37.679 have to be big. It can be things like I 0:26:37.720 --> 0:26:40.080 was a good friend last week, I had our conversation 0:26:40.160 --> 0:26:42.320 with my spouse two weeks ago, whatever it is. It 0:26:42.359 --> 0:26:44.560 can be small things. But we need to just elictit 0:26:44.600 --> 0:26:47.480 a little bit of emotion, that imagery of the memory, 0:26:47.800 --> 0:26:51.080 and we need ten of them. Step three, we record 0:26:51.119 --> 0:26:53.320 ourselves sing out loud, so ideally we write them down. 0:26:53.359 --> 0:26:55.720 We record ourselves singing into our phone, and then our 0:26:55.760 --> 0:26:58.879 subconscious mind actually sponges up a lot of information more 0:26:58.920 --> 0:27:02.320 effectively when we are in a suggestible state, meaning our 0:27:02.320 --> 0:27:04.800 brain is producing more alpha brain waves. And so what 0:27:04.840 --> 0:27:07.040 we get people to do is to sit down. They 0:27:07.119 --> 0:27:10.000 record themselves saying this out loud. It takes two minutes 0:27:10.040 --> 0:27:12.719 to listen back, and your brain produces a lot more 0:27:12.720 --> 0:27:15.720 alpha brain waves. After a good meditation, the first hour 0:27:15.760 --> 0:27:18.240 that you wake up, before drinking coffee, the last hour 0:27:18.240 --> 0:27:21.280 before you go to sleep, after intense exercise, breath work, 0:27:21.320 --> 0:27:23.760 these types of things, you're in more alpha brain wave mode, 0:27:23.800 --> 0:27:26.159 when your mind is more relaxed, more still. And then 0:27:26.160 --> 0:27:29.119 what we're doing is we're listening back to those things 0:27:29.240 --> 0:27:32.000 during that time, the voice in your own voice exactly 0:27:32.280 --> 0:27:34.080 saying it out loud. You're listening back and you're very 0:27:34.160 --> 0:27:38.040 much focusing on the images and the emotion as you 0:27:38.119 --> 0:27:41.680 feel back in that suggestible state. A neuroscience search tells 0:27:41.760 --> 0:27:44.119 us if we are in a suggestible state, Doing that 0:27:44.160 --> 0:27:47.719 for twenty one days builds new neural networks that are 0:27:47.880 --> 0:27:50.800 very strong that they are highly likely to stet And 0:27:50.840 --> 0:27:53.480 what's really interesting is we surveyed people who did this. 0:27:53.560 --> 0:27:56.000 We're like, okay, let's actually track how people are doing this. 0:27:56.160 --> 0:27:57.840 People said they stuck to it every day for twenty 0:27:57.880 --> 0:27:59.840 one days. We had like tens of sixty thousand people 0:27:59.840 --> 0:28:01.879 who we did the survey on. People said they did 0:28:01.880 --> 0:28:04.119 not miss a day for twenty one days. Reported a 0:28:04.200 --> 0:28:08.320 ninety nine point seven percent score in actually rewiring the wounds. 0:28:08.320 --> 0:28:12.200 So it's highly effective, it's very simple, and it's something 0:28:12.240 --> 0:28:14.040 like anybody can do right now. And if you really 0:28:14.080 --> 0:28:17.480 look like those wounds, those are the things that recavoc 0:28:17.560 --> 0:28:19.880 on people's lives in relationships. Those are the really painful 0:28:19.880 --> 0:28:22.360 things that Those are a relationship baggage that we're really carrying, 0:28:22.560 --> 0:28:24.560 and those are why we keep choosing the wrong scenarios 0:28:24.600 --> 0:28:26.879 over and over again or that same unavailable partner. So 0:28:27.280 --> 0:28:30.080 really simple starter tool for rewire and that's when I 0:28:30.200 --> 0:28:32.360 like to share it to begin with. And it's something 0:28:32.359 --> 0:28:33.920 people can just do at home from listening. 0:28:34.119 --> 0:28:36.119 Yeah, and this is something you help people do in 0:28:36.160 --> 0:28:38.960 your school, right this. Yeah, so this is the transition 0:28:39.040 --> 0:28:42.640 that you're helping people build these skills and abilities exactly. 0:28:42.680 --> 0:28:44.680 So we really focus on. We do these ninety day 0:28:44.720 --> 0:28:46.920 programs that help people go through these five pillars and 0:28:46.960 --> 0:28:49.600 rewire each of these pillars at the subconscious level. That's 0:28:49.640 --> 0:28:51.480 just the first pillar of core wounds. And I'm happy 0:28:51.480 --> 0:28:52.800 to go through like each of the pillars and share 0:28:52.800 --> 0:28:55.080 about them. But that's a really good exercise we start 0:28:55.080 --> 0:28:57.400 people off because it's high effective, it's super simple. There's 0:28:57.440 --> 0:28:59.320 other cool tools that you can use as well, but 0:28:59.360 --> 0:29:01.720 it's a really good and to start. As people went 0:29:01.760 --> 0:29:05.600 through our programs, people reported a two hundred percent increase 0:29:05.640 --> 0:29:09.000 in relationship satisfaction, feeling more connected, more happy, more fulfilled, 0:29:09.520 --> 0:29:12.280 fifty percent less conflict because people were more regulated and 0:29:12.320 --> 0:29:15.440 have all these triggers coming up, and obviously less fighting 0:29:15.520 --> 0:29:18.360 as a result, feeling more connected from that perspective. And 0:29:18.400 --> 0:29:20.320 then people who are out of a relationship doing this 0:29:20.400 --> 0:29:23.000 work on themselves and just preparing to go into dating 0:29:23.360 --> 0:29:27.000 reported three hundred percent more confidence in their dating life 0:29:27.080 --> 0:29:28.680 because they felt like they knew what they wanted, but 0:29:28.760 --> 0:29:31.800 also they weren't always triggered going into dating and panicking 0:29:31.880 --> 0:29:33.840 and having all these things come up, which is really 0:29:33.840 --> 0:29:35.840 important if you're going into relationships that way. 0:29:36.000 --> 0:29:39.560 Yeah, and I assume that unless you've done this work, 0:29:39.680 --> 0:29:42.040 even what you want may not be right or good 0:29:42.040 --> 0:29:45.240 for you, even consciously or subconsciously right. 0:29:45.520 --> 0:29:47.360 To be honest, like, I don't like to fear monger 0:29:47.360 --> 0:29:50.440 people from saying it, but I've just seen a lot 0:29:50.480 --> 0:29:53.280 of people over the years who they know you build 0:29:53.280 --> 0:29:56.560 a relationship from insecure attachment first, and you go in 0:29:56.600 --> 0:29:58.520 and you're in this power struggle stage of your relationship 0:29:58.560 --> 0:30:00.200 and you're fighting and you're going back and forth. It's 0:30:00.240 --> 0:30:03.840 really difficult, and then people end up sometimes doing the 0:30:03.840 --> 0:30:06.160 healing work and being like, my partner's not willing to 0:30:06.160 --> 0:30:08.840 do any work with me, or communicate differently or do anything, 0:30:08.840 --> 0:30:11.040 and like, maybe I'm in the wrong relationship. So there 0:30:11.080 --> 0:30:12.680 is a risk if you're not with the right person 0:30:13.640 --> 0:30:15.960 to do that. Now, sometimes people do the work in relationships, 0:30:15.960 --> 0:30:18.040 and that's beautiful and it's a really powerful potent place 0:30:18.040 --> 0:30:20.800 to be doing the work. But I always tell people too, like, 0:30:20.880 --> 0:30:23.800 if that's the case, each person in a relationship is 0:30:23.880 --> 0:30:27.200 one hundred percent responsible for their fifty percent of their relationship, 0:30:27.240 --> 0:30:29.640 so it can't be one person doing all the emotional 0:30:29.680 --> 0:30:32.840 load for both people, and work looks different for different people. 0:30:32.880 --> 0:30:35.640 It's not always both people sitting down doing the reprogramming 0:30:35.760 --> 0:30:38.280 and doing the work in that way, but one person 0:30:38.320 --> 0:30:41.320 has to be willing to practice hashing out conflicts learning. 0:30:41.320 --> 0:30:43.760 You know, if one person's following or communication frameworks, the 0:30:43.800 --> 0:30:45.400 other person has to be willing to listen and jump 0:30:45.480 --> 0:30:48.440 in and move through conflict that way, because otherwise we 0:30:48.440 --> 0:30:49.480 don't really get resolution. 0:31:06.800 --> 0:31:09.200 If you could summarize for us the second to the 0:31:09.200 --> 0:31:11.840 fifth so that we have a process of what it 0:31:11.880 --> 0:31:15.120 looks like to build that relationship with ourselves, because as 0:31:15.120 --> 0:31:18.160 you're saying, that's the most important stying point, and I'm 0:31:18.160 --> 0:31:20.200 thinking for all of our audience, before we get into 0:31:21.000 --> 0:31:23.800 certain relationship dynamics, it might be useful for them to 0:31:23.840 --> 0:31:25.840 have one step by step process. 0:31:25.960 --> 0:31:28.680 Yeah, so the first wound, the first pillar is rewiring 0:31:28.680 --> 0:31:31.520 your court wounds. That gives people so much relief, and honestly, 0:31:31.560 --> 0:31:32.920 just as somebody who's done a lot of this work 0:31:32.920 --> 0:31:34.720 on myself, first, I was my own first guinea pig, 0:31:34.920 --> 0:31:37.160 you know, fourteen fifteen years ago before really getting into 0:31:37.200 --> 0:31:41.280 working with people. The biggest change I noticed is that 0:31:41.920 --> 0:31:44.160 I used to always be in this like internal emotional drama, 0:31:44.400 --> 0:31:47.000 like this person is going to abandon me, this person 0:31:47.240 --> 0:31:49.160 is going to can I really trust? Is this person 0:31:49.160 --> 0:31:51.360 trying to control me? Like all of these my mind 0:31:51.440 --> 0:31:54.920 was so busy, and when I really did a lot 0:31:54.960 --> 0:31:57.680 of this rewiring out of all those painful patterns, it 0:31:57.760 --> 0:32:00.000 felt I had so much space back in my mind, 0:32:00.200 --> 0:32:02.400 Like I had space to think of how I wanted 0:32:02.400 --> 0:32:04.720 to design my life and create things, and just like 0:32:04.880 --> 0:32:06.880 room to be present in things. And that was just 0:32:06.920 --> 0:32:10.120 such a beautiful piece. So that's pillar number one, pillar 0:32:10.240 --> 0:32:14.440 number two. As people have to learn their own needs 0:32:15.040 --> 0:32:17.600 and how to meet them in the relationship to themselves. 0:32:18.040 --> 0:32:20.360 We'll get into how to communicate them after, but in 0:32:20.400 --> 0:32:22.880 the relationship to self first. And the reason for this 0:32:23.520 --> 0:32:25.040 is it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes 0:32:25.040 --> 0:32:28.160 from gaber Matte, and he says, trauma are the things 0:32:28.200 --> 0:32:31.760 that happened that shouldn't have happened. That's the obvious, like 0:32:31.800 --> 0:32:35.160 the abuse things like that in childhood. But trauma's also 0:32:35.160 --> 0:32:37.800 the things that happened or that sorry, that didn't happen, 0:32:37.960 --> 0:32:41.680 that should have happened. And that's like the neglect, you know, 0:32:41.840 --> 0:32:43.920 or that's it. Maybe you didn't feel safe as a child, 0:32:44.000 --> 0:32:46.440 or scene or protected or you didn't feel like your 0:32:46.480 --> 0:32:48.960 parents were present enough with you growing up. So that's 0:32:49.000 --> 0:32:51.400 also trauma because in a perfect world, we actually would 0:32:51.400 --> 0:32:53.280 have had our needs met in a healthy and consistent 0:32:53.320 --> 0:32:55.840 way where we felt like we could really rely on people. 0:32:56.160 --> 0:32:58.640 And so that's our second pillar is I get people 0:32:58.640 --> 0:33:01.360 to go in and audit what are your biggest unmet 0:33:01.360 --> 0:33:03.800 needs from childhood, and you'll see people. For some people, 0:33:03.840 --> 0:33:05.440 it's like I didn't feel like my parents were present 0:33:05.520 --> 0:33:07.720 enough with me, or I didn't feel protected, or I 0:33:07.720 --> 0:33:10.040 didn't feel like I had that ability to really learn 0:33:10.080 --> 0:33:13.760 from a parent or be deeply seen or known or 0:33:13.760 --> 0:33:15.760 attuned to. I mean, there's a lot of needs in there, 0:33:15.840 --> 0:33:17.400 but we give a big list of needs and it's 0:33:17.440 --> 0:33:20.080 okay if these are your deepest on met needs. What's 0:33:20.120 --> 0:33:23.320 really interesting is we internalize all of that condition and 0:33:23.400 --> 0:33:25.640 so whatever we didn't get met, we're often not meeting. 0:33:25.640 --> 0:33:28.400 In the relationship to self. If somebody wasn't present enough 0:33:28.400 --> 0:33:30.920 with you growing up, that's actually a huge part of healing. 0:33:30.880 --> 0:33:33.040 It's okay, well, I'm probably not very present with myself. 0:33:33.440 --> 0:33:35.640 Or if people said I really need validation, I didn't 0:33:35.640 --> 0:33:40.320 feel validated growing up. Unfortunately, usually you're playing up that programming, 0:33:40.360 --> 0:33:42.640 and you're the one struggling to validate yourself the most, 0:33:42.640 --> 0:33:45.239 and you're sort of validating everybody else before you. And 0:33:45.320 --> 0:33:48.360 so what's really beautiful is it's deeply healing for people 0:33:48.440 --> 0:33:51.240 to go in audit where they're missing these deep needs 0:33:51.680 --> 0:33:54.720 and then for twenty one days, through that repetition and 0:33:54.760 --> 0:33:57.280 emotion to really fire and wire those nural networks. We 0:33:57.320 --> 0:33:59.440 get people to go through here my deepest on met 0:33:59.440 --> 0:34:02.840 needs and actual actions and practices to meet them within 0:34:02.960 --> 0:34:05.640 relationship to self. And once we do for twenty one days, 0:34:05.680 --> 0:34:08.120 very repeatedly, and it elstits this emotional impact and we're 0:34:08.120 --> 0:34:10.680 doing it physiologically, so we have that like imagery that 0:34:10.719 --> 0:34:13.800 we're reaching our subconscious mind. That becomes our new baseline, 0:34:13.800 --> 0:34:15.360 it becomes our new step point, and we just become 0:34:15.400 --> 0:34:18.640 good at doing those things. And as an example, as 0:34:18.680 --> 0:34:20.640 somebody who did all this work on myself first fourteen 0:34:20.719 --> 0:34:23.480 years ago, fifteen years ago, one of the biggest things 0:34:23.520 --> 0:34:27.439 I really wanted was emotional depth, Like I always cared 0:34:27.440 --> 0:34:29.600 about that with other people and liking to go deep 0:34:29.640 --> 0:34:32.160 into things. And I realized, oh my gosh, I'm trying 0:34:32.200 --> 0:34:34.719 to and we always do this. We try to resource 0:34:34.760 --> 0:34:36.640 from other people the most, the things we struggle to 0:34:36.680 --> 0:34:37.280 self source. 0:34:37.640 --> 0:34:39.279 Yes, yeah, well said yeah. 0:34:39.320 --> 0:34:41.160 We try to resource the most from other people the 0:34:41.200 --> 0:34:43.760 things that we struggle to self source the most with itself. 0:34:44.160 --> 0:34:46.360 And so what ends up taking place is that we 0:34:46.400 --> 0:34:48.759 also put all that pressure on those relationships, you know, 0:34:48.800 --> 0:34:51.280 anxious attachmentselves for example, they really struggle to self soothe, 0:34:51.320 --> 0:34:53.920 so they're like, my partner always needs to be available 0:34:53.920 --> 0:34:56.160 to soothe me, or fearful avoidance end up being like, 0:34:56.160 --> 0:34:57.439 I don't know if I can trust people. I feel 0:34:57.440 --> 0:34:59.840 like they're going to betray me. So that person better, oh, 0:35:00.000 --> 0:35:02.319 always be one hundred percent congruent, they better never tell 0:35:02.320 --> 0:35:04.359 a white behind nothing, or or you know, I might 0:35:04.400 --> 0:35:07.120 have to leave the relationship, or dismissile avoidance. They end 0:35:07.200 --> 0:35:09.399 up in situations where they're going, Okay, well I don't 0:35:09.520 --> 0:35:13.359 you know, I don't know that people understand me, and 0:35:13.760 --> 0:35:15.359 you know, I really need them to understand me without 0:35:15.400 --> 0:35:18.360 me having to communicate, because they really struggle to communicate vulnerablely. 0:35:18.400 --> 0:35:22.120 So we all accidentally pressure our external relationships because we 0:35:22.120 --> 0:35:24.000 don't how to self source, and so self sourcing is 0:35:24.040 --> 0:35:28.160 obviously profoundly healing for our relationships in life, but also 0:35:28.280 --> 0:35:30.840 it's profoundly healing in the relationship to self. 0:35:30.840 --> 0:35:33.839 First, where does self sourcing come from? When you've never 0:35:33.920 --> 0:35:36.360 had it and never felt it? Like I think people 0:35:36.400 --> 0:35:39.640 struggle to like, where do you find it? Because I'll 0:35:39.680 --> 0:35:42.320 often talk to my friends about this idea of self validation, 0:35:43.320 --> 0:35:47.200 and I'll talk about how self validation is the most 0:35:47.200 --> 0:35:50.799 powerful form of validation I've ever given myself, more than 0:35:51.280 --> 0:35:55.239 any form of external validation. But often something they come 0:35:55.320 --> 0:35:57.239 up against is like where do you even find that? 0:35:57.280 --> 0:35:59.600 Where do you discover that? Because if no one's ever 0:35:59.680 --> 0:36:04.560 valid if you've never experienced it, where does it appear from? 0:36:04.640 --> 0:36:07.600 Okay, so really beautiful question. So is the analogy I 0:36:07.600 --> 0:36:10.239 give to people all the time for this. It's not 0:36:10.360 --> 0:36:13.560 the prettiest analogy, but it's the cold hard troup. If 0:36:13.600 --> 0:36:15.480 you remember the first time I were started to drive 0:36:15.520 --> 0:36:17.279 a car. I remember the first time I tried to 0:36:17.360 --> 0:36:18.759 drive a car. Was so sided to drive a car, 0:36:19.320 --> 0:36:20.960 and then I got in the highway and I was like, 0:36:21.000 --> 0:36:23.759 oh my god, keep the wheel turt you know, keep 0:36:23.760 --> 0:36:25.479 between the lines, and look in your re your mirror 0:36:25.480 --> 0:36:27.120 and your side mirrors, and put your signal and oh, 0:36:27.320 --> 0:36:28.960 like I just felt like, oh my gosh, it's very 0:36:29.000 --> 0:36:31.560 mechanical to learn to drive a car, and then you 0:36:31.600 --> 0:36:33.440 do it for a while, and then you end up 0:36:33.440 --> 0:36:35.560 in a situation where you're, you know, a year later 0:36:35.760 --> 0:36:37.839 or in a pretty short time later, you know, thirty 0:36:37.920 --> 0:36:40.239 days later, you're listening to a podcast while you're driving, 0:36:40.360 --> 0:36:42.479 or listening to your favorite radio station, or putting on music, 0:36:42.560 --> 0:36:44.440 or talking on the phone to your front whatever it 0:36:44.480 --> 0:36:48.120 might be. And it's because what we're actually doing is 0:36:48.160 --> 0:36:50.600 doing something that it first feels mechanical. We're giving to 0:36:50.600 --> 0:36:53.680 ourselves what we didn't get, and over time, through repetition 0:36:53.719 --> 0:36:56.200 and emotion, it actually seeps into our subconscious mind and 0:36:56.239 --> 0:36:58.520 that's when it feels normal and natural. So what we 0:36:58.520 --> 0:37:00.440 get people to do is we actually have a list 0:37:00.920 --> 0:37:04.319 of every major need that people reported over collecting all 0:37:04.360 --> 0:37:05.880 the data, and then we have people we have like 0:37:05.920 --> 0:37:07.520 three or four, Hey, you can do these three or 0:37:07.520 --> 0:37:09.560 four things that are usually the healthiest, most direct ways 0:37:10.040 --> 0:37:11.520 of getting those needs met, and then we get them 0:37:11.520 --> 0:37:14.120 to actively practice it across that twenty one day. So, 0:37:14.160 --> 0:37:16.640 for example, self validation is usually things like it can 0:37:16.680 --> 0:37:18.359 be as small as just writing out three of your 0:37:18.400 --> 0:37:20.600 wins each day and just taking the time to really 0:37:20.600 --> 0:37:22.160 pause and be like, hey, I did this today. I'm 0:37:22.160 --> 0:37:23.839 proud of these things today. Big or small. It can 0:37:23.880 --> 0:37:25.600 be like I made it to work early, it can 0:37:25.680 --> 0:37:28.880 be anything, but just having that ability to start training 0:37:28.880 --> 0:37:31.880 your subconscious mind to practice recognizing those things in your life. 0:37:32.000 --> 0:37:34.319 And of course there's a slightly different one for each need, 0:37:34.560 --> 0:37:37.279 but when people start giving those needs to themselves. This 0:37:37.320 --> 0:37:40.160 sounds very cliche, but I really believe that if we 0:37:40.239 --> 0:37:44.160 had attachment wounds growing up, healing really happens when we 0:37:44.200 --> 0:37:47.239 become our own parents, and instead of trying to externalize 0:37:47.239 --> 0:37:48.880 our parents should have done it for us. Are perfectly 0:37:48.880 --> 0:37:51.319 like our parents are human beings too, and so when 0:37:51.400 --> 0:37:53.400 we give to ourselves what we felt like we couldn't 0:37:53.400 --> 0:37:55.360 access through them, and we do it through that repetition, 0:37:55.760 --> 0:37:57.279 that's that second big pillar. 0:37:57.280 --> 0:37:59.799 Understood, got it very clear? You know, I'm glad that 0:37:59.840 --> 0:38:03.000 you you clarify that piece about validation, and I assume 0:38:03.040 --> 0:38:06.239 what I'm hearing from you is it is practice. It 0:38:06.360 --> 0:38:10.680 is going to feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but 0:38:10.800 --> 0:38:13.759 there isn't another magic pill there or any piece of 0:38:13.800 --> 0:38:16.080 advice that solves it. It's like we're going to have 0:38:16.200 --> 0:38:20.320 to build that muscle over time of learning to validate ourselves, 0:38:20.360 --> 0:38:22.280 which we just haven't developed exactly. 0:38:22.360 --> 0:38:23.800 Oh, just the last things that you can look in 0:38:23.800 --> 0:38:25.719 the seven areas of life. For if some people are 0:38:25.760 --> 0:38:27.760 just really stuck, they sit at the sheet and they're like, okay, 0:38:27.760 --> 0:38:33.240 three wins, I have no idea. You can look through career, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual, 0:38:33.280 --> 0:38:37.480 physical relationships. You can break relationships down into friends, family, romantic, 0:38:37.640 --> 0:38:39.920 and sometimes that helps, Like those prompts can get wheels turning, 0:38:40.440 --> 0:38:42.960 and it starts as something that you're sitting there doing, 0:38:43.360 --> 0:38:45.560 but it becomes something and they usually buys some day 0:38:45.560 --> 0:38:48.120 seven or so people are like, oh yeah, this is this. 0:38:48.239 --> 0:38:50.040 Oh three, like that took me two seconds. Oh. And 0:38:50.320 --> 0:38:52.200 then what's really beautiful is we have this mechanism in 0:38:52.200 --> 0:38:54.680 our brain called the reticular activating system, and it's our 0:38:54.719 --> 0:38:57.719 filtering system of information. People always talk about this in 0:38:57.760 --> 0:39:00.160 the personal for oh, if you see a car and 0:39:00.160 --> 0:39:01.400 you're trying to buy a white jeep, you're going to 0:39:01.440 --> 0:39:03.680 see a whitejeep everywhere. It is. It's your filtering system 0:39:03.719 --> 0:39:06.600 in that way. But it also filters information according to 0:39:06.920 --> 0:39:09.839 what we already believe, and so you know, if your 0:39:10.000 --> 0:39:12.759 core beliefs are working against you, then that becomes problematic. 0:39:12.960 --> 0:39:14.839 But if you rewire them in pillar one, that helps 0:39:14.880 --> 0:39:18.359 a lot. But also, according to the information you're really 0:39:18.400 --> 0:39:21.719 giving and taking in repeatedly, you start noticing more and more. 0:39:21.760 --> 0:39:23.759 It sort of opens up that filtering system to notice 0:39:23.760 --> 0:39:25.960 those things. So what's really beautiful is when people start 0:39:26.040 --> 0:39:28.480 doing that work, they often end up in a situation 0:39:28.520 --> 0:39:31.279 where they're going, oh, yeah, I did have this one. Oh, 0:39:31.280 --> 0:39:32.959 and they notice it in real time throughout the day 0:39:33.080 --> 0:39:35.000 and they feel it, and so it really gives that 0:39:35.040 --> 0:39:37.680 ability to start noticing that in a more natural way 0:39:37.880 --> 0:39:38.520 across time. 0:39:38.719 --> 0:39:39.359 Absolutely. 0:39:39.600 --> 0:39:43.200 And step three, so third pillar is nervous system work. 0:39:43.360 --> 0:39:47.399 So we always hear things like people are in sympathetic mode, 0:39:47.520 --> 0:39:50.400 you know, fight flight, freezer, fawn mode, or pair sympathetic mode. 0:39:50.480 --> 0:39:54.000 It's actually particularly relevant to attachment styles because all three 0:39:54.200 --> 0:39:57.359 insecure attachment styles spend far too much time in fight 0:39:57.440 --> 0:40:01.520 or flight. Interesting, yes, because if you grow up an 0:40:01.600 --> 0:40:04.279 environment where you don't feel fully safe because your needs 0:40:04.280 --> 0:40:06.160 are not met consistently enough and a few have more 0:40:06.160 --> 0:40:09.279 bears in the woods aka core wounds or triggers. Then 0:40:09.280 --> 0:40:11.000 you spend more time on high alert in various ways. 0:40:11.040 --> 0:40:13.600 So anxious attachment cells are very alert about when people 0:40:13.600 --> 0:40:15.680 are going to abandon them. Dismissed avoids are very much 0:40:15.680 --> 0:40:17.520 on high larder. But are they going to feel rejected 0:40:17.600 --> 0:40:20.040 and seem like they're defective or shamed? And they do. 0:40:20.040 --> 0:40:22.000 They need to create space and not to you know, 0:40:22.080 --> 0:40:25.400 not be a burden to anybody. And fearful avoidance are hypervidual. 0:40:25.400 --> 0:40:28.040 It's about everything about all of the above, and so 0:40:28.880 --> 0:40:30.680 you know what ends up happening is your nervous systems 0:40:30.680 --> 0:40:33.880 in overdrive. And a big part of healing is learning 0:40:33.880 --> 0:40:37.120 to get back into your body. I've actually found deeply 0:40:37.200 --> 0:40:39.440 that each of the three insecure attachment cells struggles at 0:40:39.480 --> 0:40:42.120 the beginning to identify their emotions in real time, which 0:40:42.160 --> 0:40:44.680 is a form of dissociation. Like people often think of 0:40:44.680 --> 0:40:47.880 dissociation as being this really traumatic, catatonic thing, but it's not. 0:40:47.960 --> 0:40:50.759 People can spend a lot of time in mild dissociation. 0:40:51.320 --> 0:40:53.560 So we do a couple of things. We take people 0:40:53.560 --> 0:40:55.920 through a process of retraining their nervous systems to do 0:40:56.000 --> 0:40:59.239 things like completion cycle work and a lot of that 0:40:59.280 --> 0:41:03.000 sort of polybig theory work to actually practice getting into 0:41:03.040 --> 0:41:06.239 parisympathetic nervous system over time, so it becomes your new baseline. 0:41:06.560 --> 0:41:10.160 But we also one of my favorite practices, and I 0:41:10.200 --> 0:41:11.960 was saying this to you before we record it, is 0:41:12.680 --> 0:41:14.759 when I started really diving deep into a lot of 0:41:14.760 --> 0:41:18.439 this work. I did thirteen different certifications in everything from 0:41:18.480 --> 0:41:21.600 like CB to cogitive behavioral therapy to neurolinguistic programming and 0:41:21.680 --> 0:41:23.800 hypnosis and just all this stuff. But I was actually 0:41:23.840 --> 0:41:27.600 like really rooted in a lot of studying all different religions. 0:41:27.640 --> 0:41:30.080 Like I was really obsessed with spirituality and on sort 0:41:30.080 --> 0:41:32.759 of a spiritual journey, and I've always loved where those 0:41:32.800 --> 0:41:36.399 two things intersect. And I remember actually reading years ago 0:41:36.440 --> 0:41:39.320 one of Eckert Toli's books, and it was all about 0:41:39.360 --> 0:41:41.440 the pain body. And at the time, I was reading 0:41:41.440 --> 0:41:45.040 these case studies on these individuals and they go into 0:41:45.120 --> 0:41:48.640 the researchers were taking individuals and putting them in fMRI scanners, 0:41:49.120 --> 0:41:51.440 and they were getting them in these fMRI scanners to 0:41:52.760 --> 0:41:57.239 recall triggering experiences where they felt upset, and then they 0:41:57.280 --> 0:41:59.759 were watching their brain activity. And what they found is 0:41:59.800 --> 0:42:03.520 that participants' brain activity when they would feel triggered would 0:42:03.600 --> 0:42:06.560 drain out of the neocortex regions like the prefrontal cortex 0:42:06.800 --> 0:42:09.440 region of the brain and into their reptilian brain, and 0:42:09.520 --> 0:42:11.480 all this activity would come there. And we've all seen 0:42:11.480 --> 0:42:13.960 people in their triggered they become kind of the like reptilian, 0:42:14.280 --> 0:42:17.320 animalistic version of themselves. And so all of a sudden, 0:42:17.320 --> 0:42:20.520 people would be sitting there in this sort of panicked state, 0:42:21.320 --> 0:42:24.839 and what they would find is that people would start 0:42:24.880 --> 0:42:27.359 being dysregulated like they would be in sympathetic nervous system 0:42:27.440 --> 0:42:29.360 fight or flight. They would see their heart rate increase, 0:42:29.400 --> 0:42:31.640 their their you know, hair in the back of their 0:42:31.640 --> 0:42:35.080 neck often stand up. And then what they had participants 0:42:35.120 --> 0:42:40.480 do is they had them practice just witnessing their emotions 0:42:40.480 --> 0:42:43.680 and their body and labeling the sensations, which is a 0:42:43.680 --> 0:42:46.840 form of somatic processing. And they had them say, okay, 0:42:46.920 --> 0:42:48.799 you know, in this experience, instead of being so stuck 0:42:48.800 --> 0:42:51.040 in the story in their mind, they had them go, oh, 0:42:51.120 --> 0:42:54.799 I feel you know, anger, and anger feels like heat 0:42:54.880 --> 0:42:57.240 across my chest and down my arms. Or I feel 0:42:57.280 --> 0:42:59.759 anxiety and that feels like butterflies in my stomach and 0:43:00.080 --> 0:43:02.080 a ball in my throat and a clenching in my job, 0:43:02.360 --> 0:43:05.279 and when they actually had people go through this, they 0:43:05.719 --> 0:43:08.120 found that all this brain activity came back online in 0:43:08.160 --> 0:43:10.520 the neocortex regions of the brain. And it was so 0:43:10.560 --> 0:43:12.120 interesting because that Kert totally has to sing, oh the 0:43:12.120 --> 0:43:14.520 pain body, witness your emotion or you know, being witnessing 0:43:14.600 --> 0:43:19.000 consciousness consciousness, And it's so beautiful to see people practice 0:43:19.040 --> 0:43:22.120 that because in real time, when they are triggered before, 0:43:22.160 --> 0:43:24.600 they're doing a lot of wound rewiring and meeting their needs. 0:43:24.840 --> 0:43:27.239 A really powerful practice is to do that form of 0:43:27.239 --> 0:43:30.440 somatic processing work, which is, yes, do things to train 0:43:30.440 --> 0:43:32.759 your nervousystem through breath work or meditation daily. All of 0:43:32.760 --> 0:43:35.200 those things are amazing, but in those moments throughout the 0:43:35.280 --> 0:43:39.560 day where you feel those emotions arise, practicing witnessing the sensations, 0:43:39.600 --> 0:43:42.560 being with the sensations, noticing what those sensations feel like 0:43:42.600 --> 0:43:44.759 in your body, it actually takes the emotional charge down 0:43:44.800 --> 0:43:47.720 quite strongly, and it gives people the opportunity to feel 0:43:47.719 --> 0:43:50.960 reregulated and back to more of their conscious mindself again. 0:43:51.440 --> 0:43:53.160 And so, you know, we get people to practice that 0:43:53.200 --> 0:43:55.800 on a regular basis, and it's powerful for emotional regulation. 0:43:55.880 --> 0:43:58.600 But my favorite part of it is that it gives 0:43:58.800 --> 0:44:02.799 you the gift of self attunement because rather than being 0:44:02.840 --> 0:44:05.520 in a position where we feel emotion, let's like hide 0:44:05.520 --> 0:44:08.200 it through scrolling on social media or turning on the TV, 0:44:08.440 --> 0:44:11.000 or drinking a beer or whatever it might be. It's 0:44:11.080 --> 0:44:14.279 actually the practice of learning, in hard moments to come 0:44:14.320 --> 0:44:17.080 back and return to being fully present with it oneself. 0:44:17.280 --> 0:44:20.400 Yes, absolutely, I mean, just listening to you say that, 0:44:20.440 --> 0:44:23.520 it's almost like we're getting to a place not only 0:44:23.560 --> 0:44:28.239 of self security or self soothing, its self regulation. And 0:44:28.280 --> 0:44:30.799 we're gaining the ability to not expect our partner to 0:44:31.239 --> 0:44:35.040 regulate our emotions, regulate our nervous system, which is contagious, 0:44:35.040 --> 0:44:38.000 and we are going to you know, blend and bond 0:44:38.040 --> 0:44:40.560 and energy. But I feel so many of us our 0:44:40.560 --> 0:44:44.000 nervous system is completely dependent on everyone else around us, 0:44:44.400 --> 0:44:46.319 and therefore we can feel really good when we're with someone, 0:44:46.320 --> 0:44:48.560 feel really bad when with someone else, and we have 0:44:48.640 --> 0:44:52.120 no control anymore. So today's tell us about pillar four. 0:44:52.719 --> 0:44:55.120 So pellar four. So you actually said this the moment ago, 0:44:55.160 --> 0:44:56.959 and I thought this was you were like on the money, 0:44:57.000 --> 0:45:00.120 you knew it was coming. So you mentioned regulation. So 0:45:00.120 --> 0:45:03.840 people are regulating through other people, and what I actually 0:45:03.880 --> 0:45:06.080 found over and over again for people is that people 0:45:06.120 --> 0:45:09.080 can't coregulate very effectively in relationships if they have no 0:45:09.120 --> 0:45:11.279 ability to self regulate on their own, because it goes 0:45:11.320 --> 0:45:13.400 back to that kind of concept where they overpressure the 0:45:13.400 --> 0:45:15.480 person to kind of do it for them. And that 0:45:15.520 --> 0:45:18.279 may work in specific cases for periods of time, like oh, 0:45:18.360 --> 0:45:19.759 you have a friend there and they really help you 0:45:19.760 --> 0:45:21.920 and they make you feel better. But like, let's take 0:45:21.920 --> 0:45:24.720 an anxious attachment sel somebody who's very anxiously attached, for example, 0:45:25.320 --> 0:45:27.120 they would usually end up in these themes or patterns 0:45:27.160 --> 0:45:29.640 over time where they would always be relying on their 0:45:29.640 --> 0:45:32.320 friends to do that. And then eventually their friends say, well, 0:45:32.440 --> 0:45:33.839 they always come to me for stuff. But then they 0:45:33.840 --> 0:45:36.319 don't change their patterns or behaviors, and then the friends 0:45:36.320 --> 0:45:38.879 are it kind of drifting back or pulling away or 0:45:39.160 --> 0:45:41.760 not being as present, and then the anxious person gets 0:45:41.760 --> 0:45:44.800 frustrated or stressed, and then the other friend is becoming 0:45:44.800 --> 0:45:47.480 more resentful. And it just what may work in the 0:45:47.520 --> 0:45:49.720 short term isn't really working in the long term unless 0:45:49.719 --> 0:45:53.800 we learn to self regulate. So in those five pillars, 0:45:54.040 --> 0:45:56.279 the first three are all about self. They're all about 0:45:56.320 --> 0:45:59.360 how do I heal my own internal conditioning, rewire the wounds, 0:45:59.400 --> 0:46:01.799 meet my owneede needs, regulate my own nervous system. The 0:46:01.840 --> 0:46:05.440 next two are actually about regulating with so with people together. 0:46:05.480 --> 0:46:08.640 So the next two pillars are about communication and boundaries. 0:46:09.320 --> 0:46:11.680 So what we do for the communication pillar number four 0:46:12.360 --> 0:46:14.280 is now that we know our needs, we can communicate 0:46:14.320 --> 0:46:16.439 about them. And what often happens is people go through 0:46:16.480 --> 0:46:19.160 life and they don't even know what they need in 0:46:19.160 --> 0:46:22.040 a relationship, and then we're left saying things like, oh, 0:46:22.080 --> 0:46:23.799 you hurt me and you did this. And I've seen 0:46:23.800 --> 0:46:26.799 this all the time with communication, even if people are 0:46:26.840 --> 0:46:28.680 so well meaning when they say hey, even though they're 0:46:28.680 --> 0:46:31.000 trying to be vulnerable and they're saying, hey, you hurt 0:46:31.000 --> 0:46:34.920 me last week when XYZ happened, the other partners like, Okay, 0:46:34.920 --> 0:46:37.120 I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know 0:46:37.160 --> 0:46:38.120 how to solve for it. 0:46:38.320 --> 0:46:39.759 Yes, yes, And unless. 0:46:39.440 --> 0:46:42.120 We're actually empowered to know what we need, then we 0:46:42.160 --> 0:46:45.520 can't say those things properly. So the communication pillar is 0:46:45.560 --> 0:46:48.040 about us taking our learning and understanding of self. Now 0:46:48.320 --> 0:46:50.680 we know our triggers, we know our needs. Now we 0:46:50.719 --> 0:46:53.080 are equipped to do the work with other people and 0:46:53.120 --> 0:46:54.800 so what I get people to do and it depends, 0:46:54.800 --> 0:46:57.080 like we have a couple of frameworks, but one is 0:46:57.080 --> 0:46:59.399 whenever we are in a conflict, like if that'suffre coming 0:46:59.480 --> 0:47:02.600 up for us, people feel very resolved in conflict when 0:47:02.600 --> 0:47:06.120 they do basically three things. Both parties have to communicate 0:47:06.400 --> 0:47:08.640 what came up for them in the conflict and then 0:47:08.719 --> 0:47:11.319 validate each other's emotions. Step one, okay, so validate each 0:47:11.320 --> 0:47:13.200 other's emotions. Step two, then we have to say what 0:47:13.200 --> 0:47:15.840 we actually need. And step three we have to paint 0:47:15.840 --> 0:47:18.160 a picture of what that looks like. Because I ran 0:47:18.239 --> 0:47:20.880 far too many times into situations with couples who I 0:47:20.920 --> 0:47:23.520 remember working with a couple once years ago, and it 0:47:23.560 --> 0:47:25.759 was a husband and a wife and they they had 0:47:25.760 --> 0:47:27.880 this conversation, the wife that I need to feel more 0:47:27.880 --> 0:47:30.560 supported in this relationship. And I was like a year 0:47:30.600 --> 0:47:34.520 into working with couples, and they seem to have a 0:47:34.520 --> 0:47:37.319 really constructive conversation about it. And they left, and they 0:47:37.360 --> 0:47:40.120 came back the next week and literally before they sat 0:47:40.160 --> 0:47:42.359 on the couch, like they didn't even finish sitting down, 0:47:42.800 --> 0:47:44.880 and the wife said, my husband didn't even support me 0:47:44.920 --> 0:47:46.600 this week. We talked about it and he didn't even try. 0:47:46.920 --> 0:47:50.160 And the husband looked shocked and he was like, what 0:47:50.200 --> 0:47:52.440 do you mean. I took up the trash, I did 0:47:52.440 --> 0:47:54.120 the dishes, I tried to help it around the house. 0:47:54.360 --> 0:47:57.239 And she was like, oh, but support for me is 0:47:57.280 --> 0:48:00.640 somebody actually like giving me encouragement and we're of affirmation 0:48:00.719 --> 0:48:02.640 and telling me like they love me, they appreciate me, 0:48:02.960 --> 0:48:05.520 noticing my hard work. That's support. And so we have 0:48:05.560 --> 0:48:07.319 to paint the picture of what the need looks like 0:48:07.400 --> 0:48:09.680 so it's clear. So for example, let's say two people 0:48:09.680 --> 0:48:12.200 are in a conflict, and let's say it's an anxious 0:48:12.200 --> 0:48:14.920 and a dismissive avoidant, and the anxious person saying, hey, like, 0:48:15.120 --> 0:48:19.040 you're not calling me enough. Often what happens when people 0:48:19.080 --> 0:48:21.440 try to communicate is they do what we call negative framing. 0:48:21.920 --> 0:48:23.600 So you know, and I always say to people, behind 0:48:23.600 --> 0:48:26.640 every criticism is just a need, And we say you 0:48:26.680 --> 0:48:28.279 don't care about me, you didn't call me enough, you 0:48:28.280 --> 0:48:31.799 didn't make an effort, and all that people here when 0:48:31.840 --> 0:48:34.279 that happens is that you're criticizing them, and all people 0:48:34.320 --> 0:48:36.040 are going to do a shutdown. Because as a child, 0:48:36.080 --> 0:48:38.520 when you were criticized, what happened you then got punished, 0:48:38.560 --> 0:48:40.680 So now you're bracing for punishment, not trying to figure 0:48:40.680 --> 0:48:43.239 out and decide for what somebody's needs. So we would 0:48:43.280 --> 0:48:47.000 get people to say, okay, let's free frame behind that 0:48:47.040 --> 0:48:50.239 actual experience. What is the need? Convert your criticism into 0:48:50.280 --> 0:48:52.040 a need. And it's like, okay, well, if you said 0:48:52.040 --> 0:48:53.520 you didn't call me enough, obviously that the need is 0:48:53.520 --> 0:48:57.200 for more consistency in calling or communication. Good paint the picture. 0:48:57.280 --> 0:48:59.360 What does that actually look like? Oh, that looks like 0:48:59.360 --> 0:49:02.080 a call every evening for fifteen minutes before bad or 0:49:02.080 --> 0:49:03.719 once a week, whatever it is. We got to get 0:49:03.760 --> 0:49:06.360 really specific because otherwise it gets lost in translation like 0:49:06.440 --> 0:49:08.480 ninety percent of the time. So what we do is 0:49:08.480 --> 0:49:09.920 we get people to say, hey, this is what came 0:49:10.000 --> 0:49:11.960 up for me. So for example, hey, I felt a 0:49:11.960 --> 0:49:14.640 little bit hurt this week because I didn't hear from 0:49:14.680 --> 0:49:17.359 you as much as I hope to. And can we 0:49:17.360 --> 0:49:19.520 do a call every evening before bad for fifteen minutes. 0:49:19.800 --> 0:49:22.000 And when they're able to say that, now we actually 0:49:22.000 --> 0:49:25.000 have constructive communication. And then we flip it back around 0:49:25.000 --> 0:49:27.440 because if there was a conflict, usually there's two sides 0:49:27.840 --> 0:49:29.640 and then maybe the person on the other side if 0:49:29.640 --> 0:49:31.640 it originally wasn't done. While they say, oh, like, if 0:49:31.680 --> 0:49:33.600 somebody was a little bit critical, they might say, okay, 0:49:33.960 --> 0:49:35.439 I hear your need. I can see why you felt 0:49:35.480 --> 0:49:37.719 like that. So they validate the person's feelings and then 0:49:37.719 --> 0:49:40.040 they turn around and they get to say okay, and 0:49:40.560 --> 0:49:42.840 you know, for me, I'm a little sensitive if communication 0:49:42.920 --> 0:49:44.880 is harsh or a little critical, And not that that 0:49:45.000 --> 0:49:47.319 example was harsh, but oftentimes that's how it starts. And 0:49:47.360 --> 0:49:49.000 so they might say, you know, can you just be 0:49:49.040 --> 0:49:51.200 a little bit more mindful with your delivery next time, 0:49:51.440 --> 0:49:53.400 and then I'll be more mindful in terms of communicating 0:49:53.440 --> 0:49:55.479 and calling more consistently. I think we can make that work, 0:49:55.719 --> 0:49:58.480 and that's how we really resolve. So each person expresses 0:49:58.600 --> 0:50:01.720 their feeling and gets it validated, shares their need, paints 0:50:01.719 --> 0:50:03.520 a picture for what it looks like, and it's something 0:50:03.560 --> 0:50:06.799 you can actually train yourself to do naturally, and we 0:50:06.840 --> 0:50:09.399 get people to get into the mindset of feeling need, 0:50:09.440 --> 0:50:11.680 feeling need, like, just know your feelings and needs and 0:50:11.719 --> 0:50:13.400 if it's top of mind, and if each person feels 0:50:13.400 --> 0:50:15.319 like they're able to communicate it that way, that's where 0:50:15.360 --> 0:50:17.200 we get real resolution. And then that's where we get 0:50:17.239 --> 0:50:20.560 actual breakthroughs. And I truly believe that doing the work 0:50:20.600 --> 0:50:23.640 to gather in a relationship to become secure, you have 0:50:23.719 --> 0:50:25.640 to become good at having those conversations. 0:50:25.800 --> 0:50:28.960 I feel like a lot of people struggle to do 0:50:29.000 --> 0:50:32.440 that for two reasons. One is when they're saying their need, 0:50:33.120 --> 0:50:36.719 their need is based on their attachment style, and if 0:50:36.719 --> 0:50:39.480 it's one of the anxious attachment styles, often their need 0:50:40.360 --> 0:50:43.280 can feel like a burden to the other person because 0:50:43.320 --> 0:50:47.160 it's such an intense demand where the other person just goes. 0:50:47.520 --> 0:50:50.319 And so a lot of people know that their need 0:50:50.400 --> 0:50:54.320 is intense, therefore they won't verbalize it because they actually 0:50:54.360 --> 0:50:57.200 think it will push the other person away. So if 0:50:57.239 --> 0:50:59.520 they don't say it, it brews up and then one 0:50:59.600 --> 0:51:02.799 day it's up and you break up anyway, or they 0:51:02.920 --> 0:51:05.480 say it it's a burden to the other person and 0:51:05.520 --> 0:51:07.880 the other person goes, well, I can't do that, and 0:51:07.920 --> 0:51:11.359 then they walk away. So how do we know our 0:51:11.400 --> 0:51:17.359 need is valid or is realistic? And how do we 0:51:17.440 --> 0:51:20.560 know if our partner is even should be capable of 0:51:20.600 --> 0:51:22.160 doing that need? Because I think a lot of people 0:51:22.160 --> 0:51:25.279 will be like, well, my need is every day I 0:51:25.280 --> 0:51:27.600 need someone to tell me I'm beautiful and amazing or 0:51:28.000 --> 0:51:30.279 every day I need you know, and it's like, well 0:51:30.320 --> 0:51:33.040 maybe someone else doesn't have the capacity to do that. 0:51:33.239 --> 0:51:35.400 Okay, So I love this question, and this is why 0:51:35.520 --> 0:51:37.399 we do ninety day frameworks for people. In the first 0:51:37.440 --> 0:51:40.640 thirty days are rewiring your core wounds first, because then 0:51:40.680 --> 0:51:42.040 you don't have these things that are causing a lot 0:51:42.040 --> 0:51:44.560 of that negative internal dialogue that will then overpressure you 0:51:44.600 --> 0:51:47.200 to source from somebody else. So if somebody feels not 0:51:47.200 --> 0:51:48.480 good enough, they're going to be like, you better tell 0:51:48.520 --> 0:51:50.279 me I'm good enough all day every day. But if 0:51:50.320 --> 0:51:52.439 we learn to do the rewiring first is pillar number 0:51:52.440 --> 0:51:54.239 one that makes sense. And then pillar number two is 0:51:54.280 --> 0:51:56.239 that we learn to self source because now we're feeling 0:51:56.280 --> 0:51:58.799 our cup halfway. And what's really powerful. As soon as 0:51:58.840 --> 0:52:00.880 we start self sourcing, we we ingrain that in the 0:52:00.960 --> 0:52:03.240 first thirty days, Well, now all of a sudden, there's 0:52:03.239 --> 0:52:05.520 not this crazy amount of pressure, and now it's really 0:52:05.600 --> 0:52:07.040 clear to say this is what. 0:52:07.280 --> 0:52:09.640 So by the time you get to this stage exactly, 0:52:09.800 --> 0:52:13.120 quest is actually already more reasonable and thoughtful exactly. But 0:52:13.200 --> 0:52:16.200 the problem is if you jump to this stage too quick, yes, 0:52:16.320 --> 0:52:18.680 you could end up asking for something you should be 0:52:18.680 --> 0:52:21.800 self sourcing exactly, and that that makes a lot of sense. 0:52:21.880 --> 0:52:23.880 Yeah, and that's where it's really important. I love that 0:52:23.920 --> 0:52:26.680 you ask that, because what ends up happening far too often, 0:52:26.719 --> 0:52:28.680 and this is a really crazy part of this is 0:52:29.239 --> 0:52:31.520 because our subconscious mind wants to maintain its comfort zone 0:52:31.520 --> 0:52:35.360 because it equates familiarity to safety and survival. So frequently 0:52:36.040 --> 0:52:38.799 people think that they want somebody to give them their 0:52:38.800 --> 0:52:41.360 need and that's the solution. And let's take like typical 0:52:41.400 --> 0:52:43.759 examples to somebody has they're anxiously attached. They believe they're 0:52:43.760 --> 0:52:45.960 not good enough. So now just by that they have 0:52:46.000 --> 0:52:49.520 more negative internal dialoguey're criticizing themselves, sort of magnifying their 0:52:49.520 --> 0:52:52.479 mistakes and minimizing their wins in their own natural set 0:52:52.480 --> 0:52:56.040 point of their conditioning. Then they are often not meeting 0:52:56.040 --> 0:52:58.160 their own need to feel you know, gonna for validated 0:52:58.200 --> 0:53:00.759 or reassured. So now they have what we what I 0:53:00.760 --> 0:53:02.360 call like a hole in your bucket, like you're gonna 0:53:02.360 --> 0:53:06.920 go And because the subponscious mind will only receive, well, 0:53:07.040 --> 0:53:10.160 what's familiar because it equates it to safety, then you 0:53:10.200 --> 0:53:11.680 go and you say, oh, hey, tell me I'm good enough, 0:53:11.719 --> 0:53:14.040 tell me all these things. But then it's like there's 0:53:14.040 --> 0:53:15.399 a hole in the bucket. It feels really good when 0:53:15.400 --> 0:53:17.440 that water is going into the bucket. You get that 0:53:17.480 --> 0:53:19.440 initial head of dope. Mean, oh my god, my partners 0:53:19.400 --> 0:53:21.759 said I'm good enough, and then it just leaked right out. 0:53:22.080 --> 0:53:24.440 And then that's why you see anxious attachments alls needing 0:53:24.560 --> 0:53:27.399 so much of that because they first struggle with those 0:53:27.400 --> 0:53:30.279 two pillars so profoundly. And that's where we get you know, 0:53:30.600 --> 0:53:33.120 confused in relationships because then we're like, you need to 0:53:33.160 --> 0:53:34.680 do this, you need to do that. Yeah, and then 0:53:34.680 --> 0:53:36.840 when it becomes unreasonable because it's coming from lack and 0:53:36.880 --> 0:53:39.760 imbalance first, then it puts too much pressure on relationships 0:53:39.800 --> 0:53:40.759 and becomes problematic. 0:53:40.880 --> 0:53:44.279 That completely makes sense now and I and I'm thinking 0:53:44.280 --> 0:53:47.320 about a lot of people that I know who sadly 0:53:47.360 --> 0:53:49.560 feel a lot of shame and guilt for their needs 0:53:49.560 --> 0:53:53.600 from their attachment style. But without doing this work in 0:53:53.640 --> 0:53:57.920 this order as the pillars being developed, you'll never actually 0:53:57.920 --> 0:54:01.960 request something in a healthy way that natural and you're 0:54:02.000 --> 0:54:04.200 scared it will push someone away because it probably will 0:54:04.880 --> 0:54:07.759 because it's coming from an anxious attachment style. Yeah, one 0:54:07.800 --> 0:54:10.239 hundred percent taste. Please tell us about pillar five. 0:54:10.440 --> 0:54:13.520 Okay, so the last pillar is learning healthy boundaries. So 0:54:13.960 --> 0:54:17.040 healthy boundaries when people hear them, I think some people think, 0:54:17.120 --> 0:54:20.960 especially more anxious attachment styles, think that boundaries mean a separation. 0:54:21.600 --> 0:54:24.840 But truly every boundary is adjoining because a boundary is 0:54:24.840 --> 0:54:27.480 an authentic expression of your true yeses and your nose, 0:54:27.640 --> 0:54:29.560 which is an authentic expression of you as a whole 0:54:29.640 --> 0:54:32.040 human being. And so you know, when we look at 0:54:32.040 --> 0:54:34.640 boundaries per attachment style, there's unique patterns. This is when 0:54:34.680 --> 0:54:36.960 I was like, whoa each attachment style that you have? 0:54:37.000 --> 0:54:40.080 These thenes with boundaries, anxious attachment cells are kind of boundaryless, 0:54:40.080 --> 0:54:43.400 like if they're really anxiously attached, they struggle with boundaries altogether, 0:54:43.760 --> 0:54:46.239 and so they're going to end up people pleasing into oblivion. 0:54:46.719 --> 0:54:48.640 They get scared to set boundaries because they believe that 0:54:48.680 --> 0:54:51.600 boundaries are going to get them abandoned or disliked or rejected. 0:54:51.600 --> 0:54:53.120 Part of also why we do the core wound work 0:54:53.120 --> 0:54:56.120 first in that order, And so they end up just 0:54:56.200 --> 0:54:59.279 struggling with boundaries at all, dismiss some avoidance they set 0:54:59.280 --> 0:55:01.919 too strong a bound They are scared to make compromises 0:55:01.960 --> 0:55:04.080 because they equate that to vulnerability. And so they end 0:55:04.160 --> 0:55:06.279 up keeping distance and saying, you know, they're the types 0:55:06.320 --> 0:55:08.239 it instead of saying, hey, I've had a long week, 0:55:08.239 --> 0:55:10.640 it's Friday, I'm tired, instead of going out, can we 0:55:10.680 --> 0:55:12.439 just stay in and watch a movie? Instead of setting 0:55:12.600 --> 0:55:16.000 small boundaries and requesting those needs within that framework, they'll 0:55:16.040 --> 0:55:19.320 instead go canceling, not coming over, sorry, not going to 0:55:19.400 --> 0:55:21.440 be there. And it's because they have these huge boundaries 0:55:21.480 --> 0:55:23.680 because they don't know how to corregulate and communicate in 0:55:23.680 --> 0:55:26.239 that way, and so then we have fearful avoidance and 0:55:26.560 --> 0:55:28.400 fear of the wounds are very interesting with their boundaries. 0:55:28.600 --> 0:55:31.239 I call it the fearful avoidant boundary cycle where they 0:55:31.960 --> 0:55:34.239 are boundaryless at first because they start to people please. 0:55:34.320 --> 0:55:37.520 Usually then they get frustrated because they're very generous. They 0:55:37.560 --> 0:55:40.839 tend to overgive and kind of under receive, so they set, 0:55:40.920 --> 0:55:43.319 you know, no boundaries. They're super generous, and then they're 0:55:43.400 --> 0:55:45.399 you know, they eventually are like, oh, I feel taken 0:55:45.400 --> 0:55:47.200 advantage up and then they get really triggered because they've 0:55:47.200 --> 0:55:48.799 got a lot of big core wounds. And then they 0:55:48.840 --> 0:55:51.160 get angry and they set boundaries from anger or frustration 0:55:51.280 --> 0:55:53.839 and they say things harshly or critically, and sometimes they're 0:55:53.840 --> 0:55:56.040 a little bit you know, too harsh or critical, and 0:55:56.080 --> 0:55:57.880 then they feel terribly guilty about it and they go 0:55:57.920 --> 0:56:00.400 back to having no boundaries. So they're like no bound budies, 0:56:00.760 --> 0:56:03.480 get frustrated, express anger, feel guilty, you go back to 0:56:03.520 --> 0:56:04.920 no boundaries, and they kind of just go around in 0:56:04.960 --> 0:56:07.600 a loop. And so what we get people to do 0:56:07.880 --> 0:56:10.080 is first and it actually has to be done in order. 0:56:10.080 --> 0:56:13.040 And I'll speak from personal examples, but this is what 0:56:13.120 --> 0:56:15.200 I would see replicated at with like thousands of people. 0:56:15.560 --> 0:56:18.000 When I was first doing boundary work, I knew I 0:56:18.040 --> 0:56:19.719 had to do boundary work. I was like, I really 0:56:19.719 --> 0:56:22.000 struggle with boundaries. So I read all these boundary books 0:56:22.360 --> 0:56:24.759 and I learned about boundaries, and I read you know, 0:56:24.800 --> 0:56:29.000 publications on boundaries and all these things. And yet I 0:56:29.000 --> 0:56:31.120 would get into situations and I would be sitting in 0:56:31.120 --> 0:56:33.239 a situation being like, I know this is where I 0:56:33.239 --> 0:56:35.040 should set the boundary, but I would clam up and 0:56:35.040 --> 0:56:39.239 I wouldn't do it because I didn't realize that I 0:56:39.320 --> 0:56:43.120 still had core wounds around my boundaries. So consciously, I'm like, 0:56:43.160 --> 0:56:46.319 set a boundary. And too many people intellectualize boundaries as 0:56:46.320 --> 0:56:48.799 this concept but you're not actually going to do it 0:56:48.800 --> 0:56:50.640 in real time until you first read. Because if your 0:56:50.760 --> 0:56:53.000 conscious minds I set the boundary, or so conscious mind says, no, 0:56:53.040 --> 0:56:55.120 I'm going to be unsafe. And as a child I 0:56:55.160 --> 0:56:57.440 had some kind of heavy handed punishments at times for 0:56:57.480 --> 0:57:00.719 setting a boundary or saying no. So my subconscious minds 0:57:00.719 --> 0:57:04.200 that boundaries equals unsafety rather than safety and a healthy dynamic. 0:57:04.239 --> 0:57:06.440 That's what your brain would think. And so then I 0:57:06.480 --> 0:57:08.319 would in real time climb up, not say it, and 0:57:08.320 --> 0:57:10.319 then be like walk away, going why didn't I set 0:57:10.320 --> 0:57:12.160 the boundary? So what we get people to do is 0:57:12.160 --> 0:57:14.680 step one, know your boundaries. We get people to audit 0:57:14.719 --> 0:57:16.800 their bundies in the seven areas of life, go through career, 0:57:16.840 --> 0:57:18.959 where are you lacking boundaries? Financial area of life, etc. 0:57:19.320 --> 0:57:21.800 Through the seven areas. Then we get people to say, Okay, 0:57:22.240 --> 0:57:24.560 if I set a boundary, what am I afraid will happen? 0:57:24.640 --> 0:57:26.080 Or what do I make it mean? It's a good 0:57:26.120 --> 0:57:28.000 way to surface some of your subconscious stuff that may 0:57:28.040 --> 0:57:29.320 be they're oh, if I set a boundary, then I'm 0:57:29.320 --> 0:57:31.040 going to be abandoned. If I set a boundary, people 0:57:31.080 --> 0:57:33.200 are going to reject me or think that I'm a burden, 0:57:33.280 --> 0:57:35.160 you know, you can really see what comes up. And 0:57:35.160 --> 0:57:38.160 then we get people to rewire using some rewiring techniques 0:57:38.520 --> 0:57:41.720 that fear of setting boundaries and then practice doing exposure work, 0:57:41.920 --> 0:57:44.000 which means you don't go set your your first boundary 0:57:44.000 --> 0:57:46.680 with your boss who you think has narcissistic personality disorder, 0:57:46.840 --> 0:57:48.720 because your brain's not going to take that very well. 0:57:48.920 --> 0:57:52.280 We set boundaries with, you know, small boundaries with trusted people, 0:57:52.280 --> 0:57:54.560 like ask your coworker you love, hey, can you bring 0:57:54.600 --> 0:57:56.560 back my stapler when you borrow it? Like the small 0:57:56.600 --> 0:57:58.800 things first, so your brain. We try to set one 0:57:58.840 --> 0:58:02.080 boundary a day, and it's the repetition and emotion. I've 0:58:02.080 --> 0:58:05.120 seen that incrementalism work, and you've rewired the core fear 0:58:05.280 --> 0:58:07.439 that was stopping you from sending boundaries in real time. 0:58:07.640 --> 0:58:08.880 And what I found in my own life and what 0:58:08.920 --> 0:58:11.400 I've seen with thousands of people is that unless you're 0:58:11.440 --> 0:58:14.320 actually doing boundary work at the subconscious level, you can 0:58:14.360 --> 0:58:16.400 know it, you can intellectualize it, but it's not actually 0:58:16.440 --> 0:58:17.280 going to change things. 0:58:17.600 --> 0:58:36.800 That makes so much sense in your program because you 0:58:36.800 --> 0:58:42.560 have so many daily tasks. How are people interacting with you, 0:58:42.560 --> 0:58:45.520 your team or with these tasks on a daily basis. 0:58:45.520 --> 0:58:46.160 How does it work? 0:58:46.280 --> 0:58:47.760 Yeah, So what we do is we get people they 0:58:47.760 --> 0:58:49.600 go through ninety days, they do like one pillar at 0:58:49.600 --> 0:58:51.520 a time, and we get them to start with a 0:58:51.520 --> 0:58:55.400 reprogramming pillar. We actually have you know, people come in 0:58:55.480 --> 0:58:58.800 they take their actual program. It's a course for each pillar, 0:58:58.920 --> 0:59:00.920 so they can go through take the course, and then 0:59:00.920 --> 0:59:03.080 we have two events per day. So I'm in there 0:59:03.080 --> 0:59:05.600 three days a week with our students. We have colleagues 0:59:05.600 --> 0:59:07.880 in there so that they actually have two events every day, 0:59:08.200 --> 0:59:09.959 just at different time zones things like that, so people 0:59:10.000 --> 0:59:12.680 can get in there. We have events that help people 0:59:12.680 --> 0:59:15.840 actually practice the tools and model out especially for communication 0:59:15.960 --> 0:59:17.880 or boundary setting, Like they actually get to practice it, 0:59:18.160 --> 0:59:20.640 they get feedback, it's relaid back to them, and then 0:59:20.800 --> 0:59:22.840 we teach classes about the tools in more depth. You 0:59:22.840 --> 0:59:25.120 ask questions in the chat. Then we have live questions 0:59:25.160 --> 0:59:26.760 at the end, so people can really get in there 0:59:26.800 --> 0:59:29.880 and like form those skills across time as they go 0:59:29.920 --> 0:59:30.920 through each of those pillars. 0:59:31.000 --> 0:59:34.800 Yeah, it's a real commitment, yeah, really doing the. 0:59:34.760 --> 0:59:38.120 Work absolutely, and we set it up so that it's 0:59:38.200 --> 0:59:40.080 really only like two to three minutes a day that 0:59:40.120 --> 0:59:42.160 people need. They don't have to come into those events 0:59:42.200 --> 0:59:44.280 to get their results, but they have the support there 0:59:44.280 --> 0:59:46.440 if they need it. And what's really beautiful too, is 0:59:46.440 --> 0:59:48.240 that people end up making all these friends, and they're 0:59:48.280 --> 0:59:50.000 like people make friends from all sort of parts of 0:59:50.000 --> 0:59:51.440 the world, and they can stay after the events and 0:59:51.480 --> 0:59:53.280 chat with each other in the breakout rooms. But we 0:59:53.320 --> 0:59:54.880 set it up so that we try to keep it 0:59:54.920 --> 0:59:58.080 as simple as possible. Here's your course. The course is 0:59:58.080 --> 1:00:00.360 only like two hours long or so they can go. 1:00:00.440 --> 1:00:02.560 They can take the course, get the fall up support, 1:00:02.600 --> 1:00:05.240 but the course will have Hey, here's your daily exercise 1:00:05.440 --> 1:00:07.800 for the next twenty one days. Then you finish that one. Okay, 1:00:07.840 --> 1:00:10.080 here's your next daily pillar for twenty one days, and 1:00:10.120 --> 1:00:11.920 it takes you know, they're very smile side this. 1:00:12.080 --> 1:00:15.520 That's brilliant. It's so well structured. Thank you. Just hearing 1:00:15.560 --> 1:00:18.080 about it makes it feel so it feels like such 1:00:18.120 --> 1:00:20.840 a seamless process because you're getting to exclusively focus on 1:00:20.840 --> 1:00:23.280 one thing at a time, as opposed to like a 1:00:23.280 --> 1:00:26.280 million habits that we're all trying to develop exactly tays. 1:00:26.400 --> 1:00:29.760 We wanted to ask you about real life scenarios. Okay, well, 1:00:29.920 --> 1:00:32.400 because we feel that you know when you look at 1:00:32.400 --> 1:00:35.720 all of these attachment stars. Really the way we experience 1:00:35.800 --> 1:00:39.280 them is in a relationship or when we start dating. 1:00:39.480 --> 1:00:42.880 So here are some real life scenarios. One partner is 1:00:43.000 --> 1:00:47.120 anxious and the other is avoidant. The anxious partner clings, 1:00:47.160 --> 1:00:50.640 the avoidant pulls away. How do they break that cycle 1:00:50.720 --> 1:00:51.800 instead of repeating it? 1:00:51.920 --> 1:00:54.680 Okay, so really good question. So first thing is we 1:00:54.720 --> 1:00:57.080 do do that work? Like, the actual way is not 1:00:57.160 --> 1:00:59.040 going to be to will yourself through it, which unfortunately 1:00:59.040 --> 1:01:01.160 is sadly so many people are like, oh, we're just 1:01:01.200 --> 1:01:03.320 gonna try to you know, self silence and not say 1:01:03.320 --> 1:01:04.600 what we need and then it comes out in a 1:01:04.600 --> 1:01:07.320 negative way. So first thing is you do the rewiring work, 1:01:07.520 --> 1:01:08.320 then we actually. 1:01:08.040 --> 1:01:09.680 Start to work. 1:01:09.960 --> 1:01:12.560 Okay, great question. So here's what we do in that case. 1:01:12.560 --> 1:01:14.000 So this is actually I would see this sometimes when 1:01:14.080 --> 1:01:16.760 working with couples where somebody's like, I'm not going to 1:01:16.840 --> 1:01:18.600 be doing the self work. We're not really going to 1:01:18.680 --> 1:01:22.160 be moving from that perspective. Well, people tend to think 1:01:22.360 --> 1:01:25.040 that because people have different needs, that different needs mean 1:01:25.160 --> 1:01:28.680 mutually exclusive needs, okay, which is not the case. So 1:01:28.720 --> 1:01:32.360 people think like typical scenario anxious attachment style and exactly 1:01:32.400 --> 1:01:34.280 that scenario side, what do they want they what's their need? 1:01:34.480 --> 1:01:37.600 More time together? What's the dismissible avoidance need more space, 1:01:37.680 --> 1:01:39.960 more freedom, more autonomy. So what we do in that 1:01:40.040 --> 1:01:42.320 case is just because somebody wants more time, when somebody 1:01:42.320 --> 1:01:46.080 wants more space, doesn't mean that that can't work. What 1:01:46.080 --> 1:01:48.040 we get people to do is talk it out from 1:01:48.040 --> 1:01:50.840 that feeling need framework enough or you have pockets of 1:01:50.880 --> 1:01:53.760 time to meet both each other's needs. So he'll probably 1:01:53.760 --> 1:01:57.440 see this. But whenever we have a trigger, we always 1:01:57.440 --> 1:01:59.160 think of the worst case scenario, right, we jump to 1:01:59.200 --> 1:02:01.960 the worst case conclusion. So dismissive avoidance when somebody's like, 1:02:01.960 --> 1:02:04.240 why I want more time, they're like, you're going to 1:02:04.400 --> 1:02:06.440 take over my life, Like they think you, oh, you 1:02:06.480 --> 1:02:08.280 want like seven hours every evening together? 1:02:08.440 --> 1:02:10.360 Like well, well, they're thinking, well I just gave you 1:02:10.480 --> 1:02:13.160 time this weekend, like we were just hanging out, Like 1:02:13.680 --> 1:02:14.760 how much more can I give you? 1:02:14.960 --> 1:02:17.680 Exactly? And then when dismissive woodn't say I need more 1:02:17.680 --> 1:02:20.080 space or time to myself, anxious attach themselves are like 1:02:20.120 --> 1:02:21.720 you're leaving me, You're abandoning yeah. 1:02:21.600 --> 1:02:23.120 And it's because of me. It's like you want to 1:02:23.120 --> 1:02:24.400 get away from me one. 1:02:24.320 --> 1:02:27.560 Hundred percent, and instead it's because they struggle to code regulate. 1:02:27.800 --> 1:02:29.440 So what we get people to do is the feeling 1:02:29.480 --> 1:02:31.560 need framework. They each say what they feel. Hey, this 1:02:31.960 --> 1:02:34.120 comes up for me. Then it's a beautiful opportunity to 1:02:34.120 --> 1:02:36.960 say I need space because that's how I recharge. I 1:02:37.040 --> 1:02:39.760 need time because that's when I feel connected. So now 1:02:39.800 --> 1:02:42.400 they actually understand what's going on, and then okay, what 1:02:42.400 --> 1:02:45.040 do we need. Paint the picture. And when people paint 1:02:45.080 --> 1:02:48.240 the picture, they realize it's actually very reasonable from both ends. 1:02:48.600 --> 1:02:50.640 Usually an anxious attachment style will say, okay, you know 1:02:50.960 --> 1:02:53.280 what can I actually do as a baseline in terms 1:02:53.280 --> 1:02:55.360 of how much time I need together? I think two 1:02:55.480 --> 1:02:57.440 nights a week would be you know, acceptable for me, 1:02:57.840 --> 1:02:59.760 and then maybe a fifteen minute phone call a couple 1:02:59.840 --> 1:03:01.400 other nights a week. I could do that. And if I 1:03:01.480 --> 1:03:03.480 know that we're going to do that and commit to that, 1:03:03.560 --> 1:03:05.960 I can feel good about that and then dismiss some avoidance. 1:03:06.000 --> 1:03:07.920 They're not going, oh, you want to spend every night 1:03:07.960 --> 1:03:09.320 with me all day every day. You know you want 1:03:09.320 --> 1:03:11.400 to take up my whole life. They're like, oh, two 1:03:11.440 --> 1:03:13.120 evenings a week and then I can do my own 1:03:13.120 --> 1:03:14.800 thing on Sunday afternoon. I can do my own thing 1:03:14.800 --> 1:03:16.840 on Monday Tuesday evenings, and I have, you know, all 1:03:16.880 --> 1:03:19.640 this other time to see friends, whatever it might be. Okay, 1:03:19.640 --> 1:03:21.680 that's actually feasible. So what I find is, even if 1:03:21.680 --> 1:03:23.000 people don't want to do the work, if they can 1:03:23.040 --> 1:03:26.920 communicate very clearly and specifically use that ingredient of painting 1:03:26.920 --> 1:03:29.600 a picture for what that looks like, we resolve a 1:03:29.640 --> 1:03:33.040 lot of those projected fears that cause those miscommunications to 1:03:33.080 --> 1:03:35.080 begin with, and now things can really work together. 1:03:35.400 --> 1:03:38.200 Do you think it's possible to be in a relationship 1:03:38.240 --> 1:03:41.600 with someone who's not willing to have these conversations. 1:03:41.800 --> 1:03:45.640 It's a great question. I'll be really honest. What I 1:03:45.680 --> 1:03:49.000 believe is that you know, and I'll see this a lot. 1:03:49.080 --> 1:03:52.040 One person can lead the way. Okay, So I see 1:03:52.040 --> 1:03:53.640 a lot of time one person starts doing the work, 1:03:53.680 --> 1:03:55.560 they learn to communicate, they become really good at it, 1:03:55.800 --> 1:03:58.200 and the other person, like, once they see their partner 1:03:58.240 --> 1:04:00.840 communicating so healthily and they're regular and they're not so 1:04:00.920 --> 1:04:03.640 triggered from their wounds, and they're so clear about their needs, 1:04:03.840 --> 1:04:05.800 the vast majority of time, it gives the other person 1:04:05.880 --> 1:04:07.720 permission to do the same and they follow their lead. 1:04:08.160 --> 1:04:10.440 But I will say in roughly ten percent of cases, 1:04:10.880 --> 1:04:12.720 somebody's in a position where they're like, I'm not doing 1:04:12.720 --> 1:04:15.160 any of this stuff. I don't want to communicate, I 1:04:15.160 --> 1:04:18.680 don't want to have these conversations about your needs. I'm sorry, 1:04:18.720 --> 1:04:20.439 I'm not going to do that at all. It's usually 1:04:20.440 --> 1:04:23.360 from their own woundedness that their unwillingness is there. But 1:04:23.400 --> 1:04:25.440 I say to people like, hey, if that's the case, 1:04:25.480 --> 1:04:28.840 I tell people, set a deadline. Try your living heart out. 1:04:29.120 --> 1:04:31.360 Do everything you can in the deadlines. So deadline might 1:04:31.400 --> 1:04:33.360 be ninety days, it might be six months. If you're 1:04:33.360 --> 1:04:35.200 in a longer term relationship, or if you're in a 1:04:35.200 --> 1:04:36.800 marriage with children, it might be a year or a 1:04:36.840 --> 1:04:39.520 year and a half. Do everything you can as that 1:04:39.560 --> 1:04:41.960 one person in that period of time to show up 1:04:41.960 --> 1:04:44.760 the best that you can, you know, without your wounds, 1:04:44.800 --> 1:04:47.960 no your needs, regular your nervous system, communicate beautifully, set 1:04:48.000 --> 1:04:51.480 healthy boundaries. If it doesn't work and the person's literally 1:04:51.520 --> 1:04:54.000 unwilling at the end of that period of time, your 1:04:54.040 --> 1:04:55.280 only choice if you want to be in a healthy 1:04:55.280 --> 1:04:58.480 relationship is probably to walk away. And that's because you're 1:04:58.480 --> 1:05:00.720 going to if you're not happy in that situation. You 1:05:00.800 --> 1:05:03.640 cannot have one person doing the emotional labor for both people. 1:05:04.120 --> 1:05:06.680 And then usually what happens is your position for a 1:05:06.720 --> 1:05:09.640 win win because you have healed so much and you're 1:05:09.640 --> 1:05:11.040 gonna be in a place where you feel stable and 1:05:11.080 --> 1:05:13.320 emotionally well enough to walk away from something that may 1:05:13.360 --> 1:05:16.600 actually not be a fit for you. And so you're okay, 1:05:16.680 --> 1:05:18.920 And you also know I can walk away guilt and 1:05:18.920 --> 1:05:22.280 regret free. I tried everything, or your best case scenario 1:05:22.320 --> 1:05:23.840 is ninety percent of the time, the other person jumps 1:05:23.840 --> 1:05:26.240 on board and the relationship evolves because you led the way. 1:05:26.520 --> 1:05:29.520 Yeah, how does the attachment theory explain love bombing? 1:05:30.120 --> 1:05:34.840 Great question. So love bombing I think of existing along 1:05:34.840 --> 1:05:38.479 a continuum. Love bombing in extreme cases is usually because 1:05:38.480 --> 1:05:42.000 of a narcissistic personality disorder, and that's somebody love bombing 1:05:42.080 --> 1:05:45.160 with the premeditated intention to win you over as a 1:05:45.160 --> 1:05:48.920 means of control. But what actually happens if we look 1:05:48.960 --> 1:05:52.120 way further down the continuum, love bombing can be more 1:05:52.160 --> 1:05:54.240 from a place. Usually we're going to see anxious or 1:05:54.240 --> 1:05:57.240 fearful avoidance do love bombing, and it's because a much 1:05:57.320 --> 1:06:00.000 lesser degree and their relationship to it is not because 1:06:00.640 --> 1:06:02.560 let me win you over so that then you're addicted 1:06:02.560 --> 1:06:04.000 to me and I can control you. It's from a 1:06:04.000 --> 1:06:06.439 place of that They usually because of having so many 1:06:06.480 --> 1:06:09.680 core wounds and people pleasing behaviors as their adaptation to 1:06:09.720 --> 1:06:12.800 those core wounds, they have people on a pedestal, and 1:06:12.880 --> 1:06:15.480 so you're gonna love bomb somebody that you admire and 1:06:15.520 --> 1:06:17.120 you look up to and you want to win over 1:06:17.200 --> 1:06:19.760 and people please, and so that's often what will happen 1:06:19.800 --> 1:06:21.560 is you get a lot more of those compliments and 1:06:21.760 --> 1:06:23.560 trying to win somebody over and charm them and all 1:06:23.600 --> 1:06:27.480 those things because of their own insecurity compared to how 1:06:27.560 --> 1:06:29.600 high they see other people that they're in relationships with. 1:06:30.160 --> 1:06:33.360 If someone comes on quite strongly to you, sometimes it 1:06:33.360 --> 1:06:35.960 can be quite infatuating because you're like, wow, I finally 1:06:36.000 --> 1:06:39.680 found someone who likes me, who loves me. Who. But 1:06:39.760 --> 1:06:42.640 I've noticed as people are getting wiser, and I'm sure 1:06:42.680 --> 1:06:44.920 as they do the work, they're like, well, that's a 1:06:44.920 --> 1:06:48.280 bit strong. It's too early, Like that feels unnatural for 1:06:48.320 --> 1:06:50.880 you to have such intense feelings. We just met two 1:06:50.880 --> 1:06:54.440 weeks ago. What would you do in that scenario where 1:06:55.000 --> 1:06:57.680 you kind of see positives in this person, but their 1:06:57.680 --> 1:06:59.400 feelings are too strong and you don't want to get 1:06:59.440 --> 1:07:02.280 love bombed, but you still want to continue seeing them. 1:07:02.320 --> 1:07:04.040 How would you navigate that? 1:07:04.040 --> 1:07:07.560 That's a beautiful question, So a couple of things. The 1:07:07.600 --> 1:07:10.600 first answer is that in that early stage, you can 1:07:10.600 --> 1:07:12.880 have that conversation. You can say to somebody, Hey, I 1:07:12.920 --> 1:07:14.720 really like I really like spending time with you. I'm 1:07:14.760 --> 1:07:17.160 super interested in you and getting to know you, and 1:07:17.600 --> 1:07:19.400 I feel like we're moving a little bit quickly. Here's 1:07:19.400 --> 1:07:20.520 the pace I like to go at. I want to 1:07:20.560 --> 1:07:22.960 manage your expectations, and that forces somebody to kind of 1:07:23.040 --> 1:07:25.200 check in with themselves and be able to do that work. 1:07:25.400 --> 1:07:28.200 I also tell people all the time, if you're concerned 1:07:28.240 --> 1:07:31.000 a little bit, you think somebody's amazing, they're very charming, 1:07:31.000 --> 1:07:33.280 and they're very charismatic, and you're concerned a little bit 1:07:33.320 --> 1:07:37.040 that their love bombing and their charisma could be a 1:07:37.040 --> 1:07:39.440 sign of a narcissist instead of just an insecure attachment 1:07:39.440 --> 1:07:41.640 cell be cause they're vastly different. Then one of the 1:07:41.680 --> 1:07:43.480 best ways to just vet them is to set a 1:07:43.480 --> 1:07:46.440 boundary with them, because narcissists do not like your boundary 1:07:46.480 --> 1:07:49.000 whereas insecure attachment cells, they'll like really honor your boundary. 1:07:49.040 --> 1:07:51.240 They'll usually be like, oh, I'm so sorry, and they'll 1:07:51.360 --> 1:07:54.120 be accountable and apologize and acknowledge, and so that's a 1:07:54.120 --> 1:07:56.400 really good way to separate out the two interesting. 1:07:56.400 --> 1:07:59.040 That's so yeah, because I find that that's what I 1:07:59.120 --> 1:08:01.200 feel so many of my friend I'm struggling with, where 1:08:01.240 --> 1:08:04.520 it's like they do set a boundary, the person won't 1:08:04.560 --> 1:08:08.240 respect the boundary, but there's still so many good things 1:08:08.240 --> 1:08:11.320 about them. Is that dangerous to keep? Do you have 1:08:11.360 --> 1:08:12.200 to tread carefully? 1:08:12.400 --> 1:08:14.640 It's a great question. And from that particular scenario, if 1:08:14.680 --> 1:08:16.680 somebody is not respecting your boundary early on, that's a 1:08:16.680 --> 1:08:18.720 big red flag. You know, if somebody doesn't know how 1:08:18.760 --> 1:08:21.160 to honor boundaries, then I would say in those types 1:08:21.160 --> 1:08:23.959 of cases, that's a vetting situation. Like vetting in a relationship, 1:08:23.960 --> 1:08:26.320 when we, forst start dating should be for the first 1:08:26.360 --> 1:08:28.960 three four months of a relationship. You should be asking 1:08:29.000 --> 1:08:32.400 the hard questions, having those early conversations, talking about your needs. 1:08:32.600 --> 1:08:34.519 I always say to people when you're when you're going 1:08:34.520 --> 1:08:38.200 into dating, know your needs and know your not negotiables, 1:08:38.600 --> 1:08:40.840 and then go in and ask one or two really 1:08:40.920 --> 1:08:43.320 meaningful questions a date. You don't want the dating situation 1:08:43.400 --> 1:08:46.080 to be like a job interview. Here's my seventeen needs. 1:08:46.120 --> 1:08:47.479 Are you going to meet them? You know, it needs 1:08:47.479 --> 1:08:49.320 to be something where like each date you say you know, 1:08:49.720 --> 1:08:51.800 for example, I know for me, you know, I've been 1:08:51.800 --> 1:08:53.559 in a marriage, shouldn't been with my husband for eleven 1:08:53.600 --> 1:08:56.000 years and and but if I were dating again, I 1:08:56.040 --> 1:08:58.600 would One of my non negotiables early on would be 1:08:59.000 --> 1:09:00.600 you need to be able to have things out, like 1:09:00.600 --> 1:09:02.879 we got to talk through things, because it's so important 1:09:02.880 --> 1:09:05.679 to prevent any kind of resentment and relationship. So I might, 1:09:05.720 --> 1:09:08.479 you know, have the first date, see if there's a connection, chemistry, 1:09:08.520 --> 1:09:11.160 have fun, and then by the second date that might 1:09:11.160 --> 1:09:12.720 be a question I bring up pretty early, hey, like 1:09:12.720 --> 1:09:14.960 how do you handle conflict? And then that way I 1:09:14.960 --> 1:09:17.160 can see if they say, oh, I would never you know, 1:09:17.200 --> 1:09:19.000 I don't like to talk about things. I don't go there. 1:09:19.040 --> 1:09:21.599 I don't like conflict. I don't believe in like having conflict. 1:09:21.640 --> 1:09:24.479 I would be like, whoa red flag? And so then 1:09:24.520 --> 1:09:26.360 we bet And what we want to do is if 1:09:26.400 --> 1:09:29.479 we see those things and we're not sure red flags? 1:09:29.520 --> 1:09:31.840 If you're interested in somebody. Otherwise, people think red flags 1:09:31.840 --> 1:09:34.000 you should bolt No red flags, you should go to 1:09:34.040 --> 1:09:37.880 words and figure out because sometimes somebody might accidentally disrespect 1:09:38.000 --> 1:09:39.880 a boundary that you said, Hey, I want to move slower. 1:09:40.400 --> 1:09:43.120 But sometimes that red flag is well, you weren't clear 1:09:43.240 --> 1:09:45.679 enough at what slower means to you didn't paint the picture. 1:09:46.000 --> 1:09:48.280 So that should be a conversation you move towards, they 1:09:48.320 --> 1:09:49.880 really get to the bottom of like kind of a 1:09:49.880 --> 1:09:53.160 detective like, hey, I mentioned last week wanting to move slower. 1:09:53.160 --> 1:09:54.639 I feel like we still moved at a really quick 1:09:54.680 --> 1:09:58.000 pace this week. For me, moving slower looks like seeing 1:09:58.000 --> 1:10:00.479 each other a little bit less, you know, so, spending 1:10:00.560 --> 1:10:02.559 a little more time getting to know each other before 1:10:02.880 --> 1:10:05.559 traveling together, whatever it might be. And then we really 1:10:05.560 --> 1:10:07.280 get to the bottom of it. And that's part of 1:10:07.280 --> 1:10:09.280 the vetting that should be taking place in that early stage. 1:10:09.280 --> 1:10:11.320 And then if we see red flags and we see 1:10:11.320 --> 1:10:12.840 oh no, no, that's just the red flag, they're going to 1:10:12.960 --> 1:10:15.240 keep going without those boundaries. Now we know the answer 1:10:15.360 --> 1:10:16.240 and now we're really clear. 1:10:16.479 --> 1:10:20.559 Yeah, absolutely, all right, another scenario here. I love these 1:10:20.560 --> 1:10:24.600 with you. These are a secure partner, feels steady, but 1:10:24.720 --> 1:10:28.200 their anxious partner keeps searching for signs something is wrong. 1:10:29.080 --> 1:10:31.760 How can they help without becoming the emotional regulator. 1:10:32.560 --> 1:10:36.600 Yeah, really good question. So this happens fairly frequently. But 1:10:36.680 --> 1:10:39.800 what's very interesting about this is that I have yet 1:10:39.800 --> 1:10:42.880 to see it be any kind of frequent occurrence in 1:10:42.960 --> 1:10:47.120 somebody who's deeply anxious and deeply secure stay in a 1:10:47.120 --> 1:10:51.320 long term relationship together because their subconscious comfort zones are 1:10:51.320 --> 1:10:53.920 going to reject each other. Securely attached people there's too 1:10:53.960 --> 1:10:56.880 much emotional burden over time and that person's not self 1:10:56.920 --> 1:10:59.719 regulating at all, or the needle's not moving, they usually 1:10:59.720 --> 1:11:02.559 do because they're really good at being mindful of their 1:11:02.560 --> 1:11:04.800 own boundaries. They will pull away from that person or 1:11:04.800 --> 1:11:07.439 move in a different direction. Attachment seals are always a continue. 1:11:07.439 --> 1:11:10.160 If somebody's a little bit anxious, we'll see some movement there, right. 1:11:10.200 --> 1:11:11.880 But if somebody sometimes you hear things like oh, just 1:11:11.920 --> 1:11:14.160 dat a secure person, it doesn't usually work out that way. 1:11:14.240 --> 1:11:16.799 Just like you know, people who are deeply insecure often 1:11:16.840 --> 1:11:19.160 are like, where's the spice? Where's the excitement? Is that 1:11:19.200 --> 1:11:21.759 this is the stability seems boring? Or they can reject 1:11:21.760 --> 1:11:25.280 the secure person as well. So you know, that really 1:11:25.320 --> 1:11:26.760 brings back to the work of like, you got to 1:11:26.800 --> 1:11:29.160 do the work in healing yourself first if you really 1:11:29.160 --> 1:11:31.720 want that to happen. But if that were to be 1:11:31.720 --> 1:11:33.479 the case where you have somebody who's a little less 1:11:33.479 --> 1:11:36.280 anxious and then somebody who's really secure, then you're going 1:11:36.360 --> 1:11:39.160 to have the secure person say hey, I need you 1:11:39.560 --> 1:11:41.679 to be able to make sure that your self soothing sometimes, 1:11:41.760 --> 1:11:43.960 or I need you. In maybe less clinical terms, they 1:11:44.040 --> 1:11:45.640 might say something like, hey, you know, I'm going to 1:11:45.680 --> 1:11:47.320 be here for you, and I'm going to do my 1:11:47.360 --> 1:11:49.000 best to be here for you, and there's going to 1:11:49.040 --> 1:11:51.519 be sometimes where I'm suck late at work, I'm going 1:11:51.520 --> 1:11:53.360 through my own human things and I need you to 1:11:53.400 --> 1:11:55.599 see me too, and I need you to practice being 1:11:55.600 --> 1:11:58.320 okay and on your own. And so they'll set those boundaries, 1:11:58.439 --> 1:12:01.040 they'll communicate their needs, and in doing that it actually 1:12:01.080 --> 1:12:04.400 provides this beautiful opportunity for somebody to be like, oh, 1:12:04.680 --> 1:12:06.560 maybe I should practice that, maybe I should sort of 1:12:06.560 --> 1:12:08.240 train myself to do that, And that's often where we 1:12:08.240 --> 1:12:09.440 can see those good outcomes. 1:12:09.560 --> 1:12:13.000 Yeah. No, it's it's interesting you say that because I 1:12:13.000 --> 1:12:17.439 can agree more that one person is usually rises to 1:12:17.479 --> 1:12:20.240 be the fixer in the beginning because they feel valuable 1:12:20.240 --> 1:12:22.640 through it as well. And then afterwards they start to 1:12:22.680 --> 1:12:25.920 feel less and less valuable because their fixing doesn't work 1:12:26.640 --> 1:12:28.800 and they feel like all of their efforts are in 1:12:28.880 --> 1:12:32.479 vain because naturally that person still needs to learn self 1:12:32.520 --> 1:12:36.000 regulation and you end up pushing them right one percent. 1:12:36.160 --> 1:12:39.360 Okay, So there's some thing we created that we that 1:12:39.400 --> 1:12:41.760 I talk about sometimes, and it's the six stages of relationship. 1:12:41.760 --> 1:12:44.840 It's based off of some of doctor Susan Johnson's work. 1:12:44.880 --> 1:12:47.400 And there's the dating stage, which is usually the first, 1:12:47.479 --> 1:12:50.080 like you know, zero to six months you're dating or betting. 1:12:50.280 --> 1:12:52.240 Then there's a honeymoon stage, which usually lasts for another 1:12:52.320 --> 1:12:54.200 year to year and a half rose color classes. That's 1:12:54.200 --> 1:12:56.240 a long time, yeah, And then and then we enter 1:12:56.280 --> 1:12:59.320 into the power struggle stage. And to your exact point, 1:12:59.479 --> 1:13:01.760 and I kind of laugh at this with endearment, it's 1:13:01.800 --> 1:13:03.599 not fun when you're going through it. Then people after 1:13:03.600 --> 1:13:06.479 the power struggle, there's the rhythm stage. You get into 1:13:06.479 --> 1:13:08.680 your rhythm. Then you get into the commitment stage long term, 1:13:08.720 --> 1:13:10.400 and then the bliss stage, like things are really good 1:13:10.439 --> 1:13:12.799 long term, highly likely to break up in that stage 1:13:12.920 --> 1:13:16.160 but what's so interesting is it in the dating stage 1:13:16.160 --> 1:13:19.479 of relationships, usually we are very attracted to people who 1:13:19.479 --> 1:13:22.760 express or repressed traits, so the thing will invest in 1:13:22.800 --> 1:13:24.320 longest term or people whom you are back to us 1:13:24.320 --> 1:13:26.160 how we treat ourselves. But one of the other things 1:13:26.200 --> 1:13:30.599 that does drive attraction early on psychologically is somebody who 1:13:30.600 --> 1:13:33.960 expresses your repressed traits. Okay, so if that office is attracted. 1:13:34.000 --> 1:13:36.759 So let's say, for example, that you're somebody who struggles 1:13:36.760 --> 1:13:39.479 with boundaries. If you meet somebody really assertive, you're gonna 1:13:39.479 --> 1:13:41.599 be like wow, like ooh, let me get close to them. 1:13:41.880 --> 1:13:45.000 Or if you're somebody not a bad thing, or if 1:13:45.040 --> 1:13:48.680 you're somebody who's very type A organized, intense, and when 1:13:48.680 --> 1:13:50.719 somebody's really easy going, you're gonna be like, oh wow, 1:13:50.760 --> 1:13:53.320 like look at them. And so we're very drawn because 1:13:53.320 --> 1:13:56.200 the mind likes to attach, and when we attach to something, 1:13:56.280 --> 1:13:59.400 we have an allostatic or homeostatic impulse at the subconscious level. 1:13:59.720 --> 1:14:03.080 We feel more holes through that person. But what's so 1:14:03.400 --> 1:14:06.360 crazy is over time we are still going to invest 1:14:06.360 --> 1:14:08.320 in the most people who mirror our subconscious comfort zone. 1:14:08.320 --> 1:14:10.840 So in the early stages were often attracted and then 1:14:10.880 --> 1:14:12.760 in the power struggle stage, it's the very thing that 1:14:12.800 --> 1:14:15.200 has one of the greatest likelihoods of driving the relationship apart, 1:14:15.200 --> 1:14:17.880 and that looks like this. They were so assertive. I 1:14:17.880 --> 1:14:19.759 loved that early on, and now in the power struggle 1:14:19.760 --> 1:14:24.600 station you're like, they never compromised. Early on, you're like, 1:14:24.640 --> 1:14:26.040 oh my god, I love that they go with the flow. 1:14:26.040 --> 1:14:28.519 They're so flex the when he's going. And then you're like, hello, 1:14:28.720 --> 1:14:30.720 like we have plans, get here on time, and you're 1:14:30.760 --> 1:14:34.240 really stressed. And it happens like clockwork in every relationship. 1:14:34.640 --> 1:14:37.160 And what I believe to be both the psychological and 1:14:37.160 --> 1:14:41.640 even spiritual lesson is to integrate those traits collectively. And 1:14:41.680 --> 1:14:45.400 so yeah, So for example, let's say, let's pretend it's 1:14:45.439 --> 1:14:47.160 me and my husband, and actually we were kind of 1:14:47.160 --> 1:14:49.240 like this. I met my husband, my little little boundary 1:14:49.240 --> 1:14:52.400 work to do, and he was so good at setting boundaries, 1:14:52.479 --> 1:14:54.880 just like so direct, so straight up, so to the point, 1:14:54.920 --> 1:14:57.200 and I remember really admiring it. And then sure enough 1:14:57.200 --> 1:14:58.880 I knew. We got in the power struggle station and 1:14:58.880 --> 1:15:01.240 started to dives was like hello, and so I went 1:15:01.280 --> 1:15:03.120 to him and I said hey, And I knew this already. 1:15:03.160 --> 1:15:05.680 I was a quick thank goodness, and I knew that 1:15:06.000 --> 1:15:08.639 I was going to start feeling frustrated unless I took 1:15:08.720 --> 1:15:11.960 on some of the trade of assertiveness better and if 1:15:11.960 --> 1:15:14.400 he took on some of my flexibility a little bit more. 1:15:14.880 --> 1:15:16.800 So I went to him. I had the conversation, said, Hey, 1:15:17.320 --> 1:15:19.720 I need you to make compromise with me sometimes, and 1:15:19.760 --> 1:15:21.800 this is really important to me, and it's going to 1:15:21.800 --> 1:15:23.599 be important for you to be more flexible and more 1:15:23.640 --> 1:15:25.280 mindful of me at times as well. And I gave 1:15:25.280 --> 1:15:27.960 some examples and sort of painted a picture. And what 1:15:28.120 --> 1:15:30.200 was really beautiful about that is I knew I had 1:15:30.240 --> 1:15:32.519 to communicate my needs more consistently and say my boundaries 1:15:32.560 --> 1:15:34.519 and do it better in real time. And I did. 1:15:34.560 --> 1:15:36.439 It was profoundly healing for me and helped me in 1:15:36.479 --> 1:15:38.840 so many relationships going forward, especially in things like work. 1:15:39.360 --> 1:15:42.640 And for him, he became so much more flexible and 1:15:42.680 --> 1:15:45.599 I saw it really strengthen his relationships with his friends, 1:15:45.600 --> 1:15:47.920 his family members, like it was really beautiful to see 1:15:48.080 --> 1:15:50.559 him evolve in that way. And that's everybody. That's if 1:15:50.600 --> 1:15:52.960 you're the type a person, you got to learn that 1:15:53.040 --> 1:15:56.280 easygoingness sometimes and surrender. If you're the easygoing person having 1:15:56.280 --> 1:15:58.840 some discipline is really valuable. So I really believe that 1:15:58.880 --> 1:16:02.840 relationships are not here for love, although that's a beautiful thing. 1:16:02.840 --> 1:16:05.000 They're also here for growth. And a lot of it's 1:16:05.000 --> 1:16:07.240 that we're attracted to people that way, because that's are 1:16:07.240 --> 1:16:09.280 subconscious mind calling us to take on some of those 1:16:09.280 --> 1:16:12.200 things internally, and that's how we become more whole together 1:16:12.800 --> 1:16:15.120 in that power struggle stage. And now instead of having 1:16:15.320 --> 1:16:17.640 these two different people that are attracted, we're now to 1:16:17.800 --> 1:16:22.000 whole people collectively, and that strengthens us individually and collectively 1:16:22.040 --> 1:16:22.519 long term. 1:16:22.560 --> 1:16:25.960 I couldn't agree more if whenever people ask me and Rady, 1:16:26.000 --> 1:16:29.400 it's our tenure, wedding anniversary, this year, congratulation, and when 1:16:29.400 --> 1:16:32.760 I think about what's worked, because there've been tough conversations, 1:16:32.800 --> 1:16:36.320 there's been growth, there's been both of us taking responsibility 1:16:36.360 --> 1:16:39.719 and accountability, and I'm like, the best thing that's happened 1:16:39.800 --> 1:16:42.599 is the best parts of us have rubbed off onto 1:16:42.640 --> 1:16:46.920 the other person and the worst parts haven't. I love 1:16:46.960 --> 1:16:48.880 that is the only thing I can come down to. 1:16:48.960 --> 1:16:52.799 It's like, so me and Rady similarly ratherly spontaneous. I'm 1:16:52.920 --> 1:16:57.160 super hyper focused and I've become more spontaneous and more 1:16:57.200 --> 1:17:00.080 casual in our relationship with our timing and things like that, 1:17:00.680 --> 1:17:04.120 and she's become more organized in her work and focused 1:17:04.160 --> 1:17:07.719 and driven in her profession. And then Radi super healthy 1:17:07.800 --> 1:17:11.240 and you know, really health conscious and exercise, diet, everything 1:17:11.280 --> 1:17:13.760 that's really rubbed off on me. And so she's taught 1:17:13.760 --> 1:17:15.880 me that and I'm like, that's what's worked. And it's 1:17:16.120 --> 1:17:19.519 but you both got to have the humility to be 1:17:19.600 --> 1:17:22.439 able to learn from the other person. And I think 1:17:22.439 --> 1:17:24.280 you have to have the humility to not want to 1:17:24.280 --> 1:17:26.880 teach the other person. So I don't think in what 1:17:26.880 --> 1:17:29.000 you said in the way you're talking about these conversations. 1:17:29.360 --> 1:17:31.080 I never went up to Radi and said, I think 1:17:31.120 --> 1:17:33.439 you need to be more organized, and she never came 1:17:33.520 --> 1:17:34.680 up to me and goes, I think you need to 1:17:34.720 --> 1:17:37.920 be more healthy. Like if it's almost like the humility 1:17:37.960 --> 1:17:41.840 to not teach and the humility to learn. And that's 1:17:41.840 --> 1:17:43.960 fascinating because most of us think, oh, yeah, I wish 1:17:44.000 --> 1:17:45.559 my partner was a bit more like me, and I'm 1:17:45.560 --> 1:17:46.960 going to go tell them how they can be like me, 1:17:47.000 --> 1:17:50.080 and it's like, oh no, no, no, it's you live 1:17:50.160 --> 1:17:54.479 the quality so well that it becomes attractive. Like I know, 1:17:54.600 --> 1:17:56.880 RADI like really values going to the gym, really values 1:17:56.880 --> 1:17:59.599 eating well. She sees how alert it makes And when 1:17:59.640 --> 1:18:02.120 you see see that change in someone, you feel inspired 1:18:02.439 --> 1:18:04.559 that I want to do it too, And so it's 1:18:04.600 --> 1:18:09.920 so fascinating. How Yeah, I'd say successful relationships are when 1:18:10.800 --> 1:18:12.720 the good things you both have rob off on each 1:18:12.760 --> 1:18:16.480 other and the bad things don't. And that simple principle 1:18:17.200 --> 1:18:19.400 allows you to have the humility to learn from your 1:18:19.400 --> 1:18:22.479 partner and not have the ego to want to teach them. 1:18:22.920 --> 1:18:24.719 And those two things seem to make sense. 1:18:25.040 --> 1:18:26.880 I thought that was so beautiful the way you said that. 1:18:26.880 --> 1:18:29.439 I actually really touched my heart. You said the best 1:18:29.479 --> 1:18:32.080 things rubbed off on one another, but the harder things didn't, 1:18:32.120 --> 1:18:34.120 And like, I just think that's such a beautiful example 1:18:34.160 --> 1:18:37.920 of a truly healthy, harmonious relationship. And that's that's that 1:18:38.800 --> 1:18:40.439 For people who are like, how do I have the humility? 1:18:40.439 --> 1:18:43.400 How do I communicate? That's that feelings need framework when 1:18:43.520 --> 1:18:45.800 you communicate, hey I need this, Hey I need a 1:18:45.800 --> 1:18:48.280 little flexibility sometimes from you, or hey I need you 1:18:48.320 --> 1:18:50.200 to sometimes be mindful of me. When you say it 1:18:50.240 --> 1:18:53.240 with like this this humbleness, you come to the table 1:18:53.240 --> 1:18:55.040 of like I care about you and sometimes I need 1:18:55.080 --> 1:18:56.559 to lean on you in this way and vice versa. 1:18:56.960 --> 1:18:59.759 That is a big part of what opens those dialogues, 1:18:59.800 --> 1:19:02.200 those conversations to be more mindful. And then, of course, 1:19:02.200 --> 1:19:04.080 like you said, when somebody's living in their best version 1:19:04.080 --> 1:19:06.519 of themselves, they step into that truth and that's inspiring 1:19:06.560 --> 1:19:08.040 to be around one hundred person. 1:19:08.920 --> 1:19:12.480 Okay, one more scenario before we do a couple of segments. 1:19:12.760 --> 1:19:15.759 So this one is one partner is ready to commit, 1:19:16.240 --> 1:19:19.640 the other becomes uncertain as things deepen. How do you 1:19:19.720 --> 1:19:21.720 tell fear from a real mismatch? 1:19:21.880 --> 1:19:24.840 Beautiful question? So I always find it's going to boil 1:19:24.960 --> 1:19:27.120 back down to these same types of themes and pillars. 1:19:27.120 --> 1:19:30.720 So first thing is you have to have a real conversation, 1:19:30.960 --> 1:19:34.559 like if we sort of have these trajectories that relationships follow. 1:19:34.600 --> 1:19:37.800 That I've found, which is that if you don't do 1:19:37.920 --> 1:19:42.639 anything really direct, if you don't have a really vulnerable conversation, instead, 1:19:42.680 --> 1:19:44.880 what happens is one person's like, oh, they don't want 1:19:44.880 --> 1:19:47.120 to commit. They make it mean things about themselves, especially 1:19:47.120 --> 1:19:48.240 if they have a lot of core wounds, are like 1:19:48.240 --> 1:19:50.320 oh am I not good enough? Am I unlovable? Am 1:19:50.320 --> 1:19:53.960 I unworthy? And then they project those onto situations or 1:19:54.439 --> 1:19:56.439 the person keeps dragging their feet and the other person's 1:19:56.400 --> 1:19:59.400 self silences and they just feel resentful in the relationship. 1:19:59.479 --> 1:20:01.679 Then that out in different ways and it's more arguments 1:20:01.760 --> 1:20:05.360 or disagreements. So the only actual reasonable solution is to 1:20:05.520 --> 1:20:08.639 truly hash it out. And so we go and we say, hey, 1:20:09.040 --> 1:20:11.200 you know, here's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for 1:20:11.240 --> 1:20:14.920 a commitment. Here's why, and here's like what you know, 1:20:15.040 --> 1:20:17.320 paint that picture, what does that timeframe look like, and 1:20:17.360 --> 1:20:20.120 be really honest and transparent, And then the other person 1:20:20.160 --> 1:20:22.439 has to say what's holding them back? And oftentimes what 1:20:22.479 --> 1:20:24.400 I foun because they've done a lot of these specific 1:20:24.400 --> 1:20:28.599 conversations with people in relationships, and usually what's actually happening 1:20:29.320 --> 1:20:32.280 is that that conversation will be the catalyst for some 1:20:32.479 --> 1:20:36.280 deeply unresolved needs and relationships. More often than not, the 1:20:36.280 --> 1:20:38.800 person who's dragging their feet and commitment the most is 1:20:38.960 --> 1:20:42.960 deeply directly running in parallel to the person who's also 1:20:43.040 --> 1:20:46.799 not communicating their needs and relationships, and so they're afraid 1:20:46.800 --> 1:20:49.599 to commit. And a lot of times people's commitment fears 1:20:49.600 --> 1:20:51.559 are yes coming from core wounds and being trapped or 1:20:51.560 --> 1:20:55.040 helpless or powerless in that pillar. But a lot more 1:20:55.080 --> 1:20:57.120 of the time, commitment fear are rooted in somebody not 1:20:57.360 --> 1:21:01.080 knowing how to communicate their needs. So they're more scared 1:21:01.120 --> 1:21:02.559 to get trapped because they're like, well, what if I 1:21:02.560 --> 1:21:04.439 commit to this and then I don't feel fully fulfilled 1:21:04.520 --> 1:21:06.760 or have my needs met. But once they learn to 1:21:06.800 --> 1:21:09.680 communicate their needs, a lot of those conversations usually end 1:21:09.760 --> 1:21:12.800 up being things like, Hey, yeah, I guess like one 1:21:12.840 --> 1:21:15.200 of the reasons I'm afraid to commit is I'm scared 1:21:15.200 --> 1:21:17.120 that I'm going to lose, you know, my time with 1:21:17.160 --> 1:21:19.120 my friends sometimes and I need to be able to 1:21:19.160 --> 1:21:21.200 have that in the long term and go off and 1:21:21.200 --> 1:21:22.920 hang out with the boys sometimes, or go have a 1:21:22.920 --> 1:21:25.240 girl's weekend or whatever it might be. And then the 1:21:25.280 --> 1:21:27.760 person's like, oh, I can honor that, I can make 1:21:27.800 --> 1:21:29.320 that a part of our marriage. I can, you know, 1:21:29.560 --> 1:21:31.960 And it's this catalyst to a huge breakthrough, or sometimes 1:21:31.960 --> 1:21:34.720 it's things like, hey, I guess what's holding me back 1:21:34.760 --> 1:21:37.519 is sometimes I feel like I get criticized more than 1:21:37.520 --> 1:21:39.840 I feel good about and it makes me want to 1:21:39.880 --> 1:21:42.040 pull away, and I'm not sure if I see that 1:21:42.080 --> 1:21:44.400 being you know something, I'm really happy in long term 1:21:44.439 --> 1:21:47.120 and then the person hears that and they're able to say, 1:21:47.280 --> 1:21:48.640 oh my gosh, it's time for me to clean up 1:21:48.640 --> 1:21:50.519 the way I communicate, and then there's this breakthrough when 1:21:50.520 --> 1:21:53.320 they both feel safer. So I would love to tell people, Hey, 1:21:53.680 --> 1:21:56.040 there's some manipulative easy fix where you tell them this 1:21:56.080 --> 1:21:58.160 thing and you say I'll do if you don't, you know, commit, 1:21:58.200 --> 1:22:02.080 I'll leave and give an ultimatum. You're selling yourself short 1:22:02.160 --> 1:22:05.320 and the relationship short by not saying, hey, this is 1:22:05.320 --> 1:22:08.200 what I'm really looking for. Here's why. Tell me what's 1:22:08.200 --> 1:22:10.000 coming up for you or want to understand. And when 1:22:10.040 --> 1:22:12.240 we do that and have that same humility to really 1:22:12.240 --> 1:22:14.360 go there with an open heart and open mind, usually 1:22:14.360 --> 1:22:15.240 there's big breakthroughs. 1:22:15.479 --> 1:22:34.599 Yeah, what happens when we've talked a lot about dating, 1:22:34.600 --> 1:22:37.559 we've talked about being in a relationship. What happens when 1:22:37.560 --> 1:22:40.519 you set your boundary, You've done some of the self work, 1:22:40.560 --> 1:22:43.400 maybe they have to, and then they decide to leave you. 1:22:44.120 --> 1:22:45.479 Beautiful question and. 1:22:45.400 --> 1:22:47.519 Someone breaks up with you and you've done the work, 1:22:47.560 --> 1:22:50.520 you've been trying to figure it out. But the subconscious 1:22:50.520 --> 1:22:52.680 and the conditioning was so strong that it was overriding 1:22:52.720 --> 1:22:54.800 everything and for both of you, just too difficult. That 1:22:54.840 --> 1:22:57.559 person breaks up with you, How does an anxious attachment 1:22:57.600 --> 1:23:02.160 style and an avoidant attachment style how can they correctly 1:23:02.200 --> 1:23:03.080 deal with the breakup? 1:23:03.600 --> 1:23:06.439 I love this question too. Okay, So one of my 1:23:06.520 --> 1:23:11.759 favorite topics is actually grief, and a breakup is grief, 1:23:12.160 --> 1:23:15.400 and when we actually look at grief, I think grief 1:23:15.479 --> 1:23:19.080 is one of the most misunderstood things in our society 1:23:19.120 --> 1:23:21.920 because we think time heals all wounds, or we think 1:23:21.960 --> 1:23:24.400 these things, and honestly, it's just not the case. Wounds 1:23:24.400 --> 1:23:27.760 can last for a very long time. But when we 1:23:27.800 --> 1:23:30.479 go through a breakup, it's grief because what happens when 1:23:30.479 --> 1:23:34.320 we get into relationship is the mind attaches to another person, 1:23:34.400 --> 1:23:37.320 and when we attach to another person deeply, that's when 1:23:37.360 --> 1:23:40.679 our attachment behaviors exhibit themselves the most. But when we attach, 1:23:40.760 --> 1:23:43.919 what we're actually attaching to is very much the non physical. 1:23:44.479 --> 1:23:47.360 So this is kind of a morbid example, but if 1:23:47.360 --> 1:23:51.320 somebody passes away, it's not their physical body that you miss. 1:23:51.320 --> 1:23:53.640 If their physical body was around in your house or 1:23:53.680 --> 1:23:55.280 something like, You're not going to be the way I 1:23:55.320 --> 1:23:59.479 feel better it's all the non physical true that we miss, 1:23:59.479 --> 1:24:00.880 and so we have to then ask the question, well, 1:24:00.920 --> 1:24:03.680 what is the non physical? Well, it really boils down 1:24:03.680 --> 1:24:06.720 to a couple of really major things. Number one, the 1:24:06.840 --> 1:24:09.240 needs somebody met in your life that we were used 1:24:09.240 --> 1:24:11.320 to them meeting. Maybe that person made you feel seen 1:24:11.439 --> 1:24:13.639 or heard, or loved or validated, and maybe they weren't 1:24:13.640 --> 1:24:15.200 even doing a good job because it led to the breakup. 1:24:15.400 --> 1:24:16.760 But if they met your need a three out of 1:24:16.800 --> 1:24:19.160 ten and you were meeting your need one out of 1:24:19.160 --> 1:24:21.240 ten to feel validated, you're going to keep going back 1:24:21.240 --> 1:24:24.200 for those breadcrumbs because you're starving. So the first part 1:24:24.280 --> 1:24:27.280 is that grief is the detachment we were used to 1:24:27.320 --> 1:24:30.040 having these needs met in our life. Suddenly the person's gone. 1:24:30.080 --> 1:24:32.000 They took our needs with them, and there's a void 1:24:32.080 --> 1:24:33.880 left behind. And that void is a big part of 1:24:33.920 --> 1:24:38.000 what we experience as grief. Step one. Number two grief, 1:24:38.160 --> 1:24:40.479 and this is a very sacred thing, I believe, But 1:24:40.560 --> 1:24:44.439 grief is also who we became around that person, the 1:24:44.439 --> 1:24:46.080 part of ourselves that we got to express. And I 1:24:46.120 --> 1:24:48.759 had times back in my practice when I was running 1:24:48.800 --> 1:24:51.599 my client practice before our online programs, where I'd work 1:24:51.600 --> 1:24:53.720 with people on loss. And I remember one time I 1:24:53.720 --> 1:24:56.120 worked with somebody on the loss of a child and 1:24:56.200 --> 1:25:01.000 it was a very tragic situation. And her really big 1:25:01.080 --> 1:25:03.880 breakthrough that led her to really start healing is she 1:25:04.000 --> 1:25:06.479 realized what she was grieving the most. Years later, when 1:25:06.479 --> 1:25:08.120 she came to me, she'd been grieving for years and 1:25:08.200 --> 1:25:11.200 wasn't really getting anywhere. She realized that what she missed 1:25:11.240 --> 1:25:12.600 the most was that she felt like she was a 1:25:12.680 --> 1:25:16.360 nurturer and a protector and a caretaker and a contributor 1:25:16.680 --> 1:25:20.559 and these really beautiful, sacred expressions of herself that she 1:25:20.960 --> 1:25:22.880 because she was going through that grief and then hadn't 1:25:22.920 --> 1:25:25.080 had another child again, she didn't feel like she had 1:25:25.080 --> 1:25:28.080 anywhere to express that or become that. And so you 1:25:28.120 --> 1:25:30.519 know what she ultimately did is then started this beautiful 1:25:30.560 --> 1:25:32.920 charity that helped kids in a similar situation, and that 1:25:33.200 --> 1:25:36.679 deeply healed her heart. And so grief is also when 1:25:36.680 --> 1:25:39.160 we lose somebody, we lose the aspects of ourselves that 1:25:39.200 --> 1:25:41.840 we got to express in their company. And so you know, 1:25:41.880 --> 1:25:44.200 those are two big pillars of grief. And then third 1:25:44.240 --> 1:25:45.439 is we have all these stories we say it was 1:25:45.479 --> 1:25:47.120 all my fault. I'm not good enough, you know, the 1:25:47.120 --> 1:25:48.599 backs of a poor wound. So that's a big part 1:25:48.600 --> 1:25:50.680 of rewiring it. But what I actually get people to 1:25:50.720 --> 1:25:53.240 do if they go through a breakup, and usually when 1:25:53.280 --> 1:25:55.680 people go through a breakup like that, it's because they 1:25:55.720 --> 1:25:57.840 tried to start doing the work when they already had 1:25:57.840 --> 1:26:00.320 too many resentments and they were already you know, half 1:26:00.400 --> 1:26:02.720 checked out. But if you go through that breakup, one 1:26:02.760 --> 1:26:04.960 of the fastest ways to truly heal great from a 1:26:05.000 --> 1:26:07.320 breakup is to write out what we're all of those 1:26:07.360 --> 1:26:09.719 needs this person met. I know, I have to start 1:26:09.720 --> 1:26:11.679 meeting those needs in myself and I have to start 1:26:11.760 --> 1:26:13.639 sell or I have to start resourcing them in healthy 1:26:13.680 --> 1:26:16.479 ways with healthy people in my life. And as we do, 1:26:16.520 --> 1:26:18.439 we fill up that void that was left behind from 1:26:18.479 --> 1:26:20.880 that person, and it heals our heart. It heals us deeply. 1:26:20.920 --> 1:26:23.559 And part of why people say time heals all wounds 1:26:23.600 --> 1:26:27.960 is because human beings are naturally adaptable, and in time 1:26:28.400 --> 1:26:30.479 they start to learn to resource their needs in other ways. 1:26:30.520 --> 1:26:33.280 It's not time doing that, it's our natural adaptiveness that's 1:26:33.320 --> 1:26:35.320 doing that for us. But we can fast track that 1:26:35.360 --> 1:26:38.120 process by being more unconscious and intentional about it. The 1:26:38.160 --> 1:26:42.240 secondary part of it is who were you? Who did 1:26:42.280 --> 1:26:44.840 you become when you had this loss, And a lot 1:26:44.880 --> 1:26:47.920 of times it's these beautiful things like I was a protector, 1:26:47.960 --> 1:26:50.040 I was a caretaker, I was a contributor. And when 1:26:50.080 --> 1:26:52.439 we look at who we became and we work to 1:26:52.520 --> 1:26:55.559 keep expressing those aspects of self, that is deeply healing 1:26:55.560 --> 1:26:57.280 for us as well. And that's a really good way 1:26:57.280 --> 1:26:59.920 to kick start moving through the breakup much more quickly. 1:27:00.080 --> 1:27:02.000 Do you ever truly get over someone? 1:27:02.760 --> 1:27:05.479 I very much believe that you do, And I think 1:27:05.520 --> 1:27:08.880 that there's times where you know people when we look 1:27:08.920 --> 1:27:11.720 at grief too, which is really interesting, is one of 1:27:11.760 --> 1:27:15.680 the ways that it's actually another step that we have 1:27:15.760 --> 1:27:17.760 for how to heal grief. It's funny because actually forgot 1:27:17.760 --> 1:27:21.400 about this one. Is sometimes when we feel like we 1:27:21.520 --> 1:27:24.760 lost somebody, there's this old saying that there's no such 1:27:24.760 --> 1:27:27.000 thing as gain or loss, it's only ever changing forms. 1:27:27.760 --> 1:27:31.040 And when I think of in more extreme forms of grief, 1:27:31.040 --> 1:27:34.880 even like the law, like a death of somebody, oftentimes 1:27:35.000 --> 1:27:37.240 yes they're not here in the physical form, but they're here, 1:27:37.320 --> 1:27:39.120 and you know, we can meet those needs and we 1:27:39.160 --> 1:27:41.120 can become that expression of ourselves. But a lot of 1:27:41.160 --> 1:27:46.000 times they're still within you in their conditioning that they 1:27:46.040 --> 1:27:48.760 imprinted or impressed upon you. In other words, you know, 1:27:48.760 --> 1:27:51.280 if it's the loss of a parent, you know, sometimes 1:27:51.280 --> 1:27:53.400 there it gets people to sit down around losses like 1:27:53.400 --> 1:27:55.519 that and they say, okay, what was your father? 1:27:56.040 --> 1:27:56.200 Oh? 1:27:56.200 --> 1:27:59.640 My father was a protector. He was strong, he was assertive, 1:27:59.680 --> 1:28:02.800 he thought five steps ahead. Where did you become that? 1:28:03.439 --> 1:28:05.320 And what's really beautiful is when people sit down and 1:28:05.320 --> 1:28:07.040 they do that. They a lot of times you hear 1:28:07.040 --> 1:28:09.280 people say things like, oh my god, my father's like 1:28:09.360 --> 1:28:11.720 here as a part of me. And so I think 1:28:11.720 --> 1:28:13.519 that we can truly move through a point where we 1:28:13.560 --> 1:28:17.080 get over the grief in terms of the suffering. And 1:28:17.120 --> 1:28:19.000 there's this old thing that grief is love with nowhere 1:28:19.000 --> 1:28:21.840 to go. And I think that when we don't know 1:28:21.880 --> 1:28:23.280 where to put the love because we don't know how 1:28:23.320 --> 1:28:25.080 to express that part of ourselves, or we don't know 1:28:25.120 --> 1:28:27.320 how to get the needs met, or we don't recognize 1:28:27.320 --> 1:28:29.680 that that person they're with us in all of these 1:28:29.680 --> 1:28:32.200 non physical ways, then it feels like it's very hard 1:28:32.200 --> 1:28:34.000 to get over somebody. But I think when we start 1:28:34.040 --> 1:28:36.400 to actually move through those steps in terms of how 1:28:36.439 --> 1:28:39.120 we process grief, we kind of feel this connection to 1:28:39.120 --> 1:28:41.479 somebody in our heart and we get over the deep mourning, 1:28:41.520 --> 1:28:44.240 the deep grieving, and sometimes we'll miss the person still, 1:28:44.360 --> 1:28:46.240 or sometimes we'll feel that care for people we love 1:28:46.280 --> 1:28:49.000 so deeply, but it doesn't have to be this painful 1:28:49.080 --> 1:28:50.920 relationship that we have to that person. 1:28:51.280 --> 1:28:54.960 Yeah, should you feel one hundred percent sure about your partner? 1:28:55.680 --> 1:28:59.880 Oh? Good question. These are good questions. I love these things. Okay, 1:28:59.680 --> 1:29:02.320 So the answer is I would say one hundred percent. 1:29:02.360 --> 1:29:05.000 It's a little bit of a fallacy. I would say 1:29:05.000 --> 1:29:07.800 that we should feel highly certain. But it's almost like 1:29:07.840 --> 1:29:09.800 when people say, and I hear this all the time, 1:29:10.160 --> 1:29:12.320 are you one hundred percent ready to have kids? You're like, 1:29:12.320 --> 1:29:14.200 nobody's ever one hundred percent ready for me? Are you 1:29:14.200 --> 1:29:16.479 one hundred percent ready to take that new job, to 1:29:16.560 --> 1:29:18.639 move across the country to You're never going to feel 1:29:18.640 --> 1:29:20.920 one hundred percent ready, But there should be a high 1:29:21.040 --> 1:29:24.160 enough degree of certainty where you feel like, hey, this 1:29:24.200 --> 1:29:26.120 is me falling my hard or taking that leap of faith, 1:29:26.160 --> 1:29:29.160 and that bridge in that leap of faith shouldn't feel 1:29:29.160 --> 1:29:30.720 like the bridge is like something you can't surmount or 1:29:30.760 --> 1:29:32.600 jump over. It should feel like Okay, I'm going to 1:29:32.640 --> 1:29:34.479 take that small leap of faith and there's a smaller 1:29:34.520 --> 1:29:35.000 gap there. 1:29:35.479 --> 1:29:37.800 That's a good answer. Yeah, it's I agree with you. 1:29:37.840 --> 1:29:40.879 I don't think there's one hundred percent surety. If anything, 1:29:40.960 --> 1:29:44.160 that surety gets stronger than more time you spend with someone. 1:29:44.400 --> 1:29:47.040 And I think that's partly the challenge that a lot 1:29:47.040 --> 1:29:49.360 of these things are only tried and tested and proven 1:29:49.400 --> 1:29:52.600 over time because there is no substitute for time in 1:29:52.600 --> 1:29:56.840 a relationship because people change, people grow, people evolve. You change, 1:29:56.880 --> 1:30:01.960 you grow, you evolve, And it's it's really crazy to 1:30:02.000 --> 1:30:04.599 think when you say on your wedding day, like you 1:30:04.600 --> 1:30:08.519 know till death do us apart the idea that you 1:30:08.640 --> 1:30:11.080 don't really even know what life's going to look like, 1:30:11.720 --> 1:30:16.200 and so there is a big risk in that commitment 1:30:16.720 --> 1:30:18.920 because you don't even know the version of the person 1:30:18.960 --> 1:30:21.320 that you're going to have to be with in like five, ten, fifteen, 1:30:21.320 --> 1:30:22.160 twenty years. 1:30:22.520 --> 1:30:25.639 That used to be my biggest fear in relationships, and 1:30:26.560 --> 1:30:29.679 this is something that really is true, like runs deep 1:30:29.680 --> 1:30:32.000 to my heart. I always used to be like, how 1:30:32.000 --> 1:30:34.360 can you ever know that you trust them? 1:30:34.400 --> 1:30:34.599 Now? 1:30:34.640 --> 1:30:35.160 You love them? 1:30:35.200 --> 1:30:35.320 Now? 1:30:35.320 --> 1:30:36.680 How can you know you won't change? Your mind or 1:30:36.680 --> 1:30:38.240 they won't change their mind. And it was always this 1:30:38.280 --> 1:30:41.879 big fear. And earlier I mentioned those cycles of relationships dating, honeymoon, 1:30:41.960 --> 1:30:46.680 power struggle stage, then we have the rhythm stage, commitment, blissage. 1:30:46.800 --> 1:30:48.400 And what I actually found over and over again and 1:30:48.439 --> 1:30:50.920 I experienced is so deeply firsthand. And this is actually 1:30:50.960 --> 1:30:53.720 something I'd want people so deeply to know and understand, 1:30:54.080 --> 1:30:55.439 because I know there's gonna be a lot of people 1:30:55.479 --> 1:30:58.880 like me who really struggle at points in relationships early on. 1:30:59.000 --> 1:31:03.280 And I had only ever done relationships in dating honeymoon, 1:31:03.320 --> 1:31:07.040 power struggle, breakup, date again, dating honeymoon, power struggle, breakup. 1:31:07.080 --> 1:31:09.719 So you think that relationships are just infatuation or pain. 1:31:10.439 --> 1:31:13.920 And what I learned exactly to your point, is that 1:31:14.200 --> 1:31:18.040 real love is built in the power struggle stage the most, 1:31:18.120 --> 1:31:20.240 because we drop the mask we're not in our best behavior, 1:31:20.560 --> 1:31:22.240 and you learn to work through things. And the power 1:31:22.280 --> 1:31:26.519 struggle is this opportunity. It's this crisis, but it's also 1:31:26.520 --> 1:31:30.400 this opportunity to start saying, hey, this is what's come 1:31:30.479 --> 1:31:32.480 up for me, this is what I need in these situations, 1:31:32.479 --> 1:31:34.960 this is what I'm feeling, Hey, this is sensitive for me. 1:31:35.080 --> 1:31:37.560 That's a pain point for me, can you be more mindful? 1:31:37.840 --> 1:31:40.400 And I believe that we really move the needle from 1:31:40.400 --> 1:31:44.400 more conditionally based love to more unconditionally based love through 1:31:44.439 --> 1:31:47.160 having those deeper conversations, through doing that work, and then 1:31:47.200 --> 1:31:49.320 we deep and it's almost like in the early stages, 1:31:49.360 --> 1:31:51.599 you have this really pretty sapling, like this really nice 1:31:51.600 --> 1:31:53.960 little tree, but a windstorm can take it out because 1:31:53.960 --> 1:31:56.960 it's so fragile. But when we have those meaningful conversations 1:31:57.000 --> 1:31:59.280 again and again and we build and we grow, and 1:31:59.280 --> 1:32:01.599 then all of a sudden and you know your partners, 1:32:01.800 --> 1:32:03.760 you know biggest pain points, and you're mindful of them, 1:32:03.760 --> 1:32:05.680 and you know when somebody else hit them and you're 1:32:05.720 --> 1:32:07.960 there to show up for them and caretake for them 1:32:08.000 --> 1:32:09.920 and be sensitive to them and that and they're that 1:32:10.000 --> 1:32:12.920 for you too. Now you deepen roots and love in 1:32:13.000 --> 1:32:15.960 such a different way where those ideas of like, oh 1:32:16.040 --> 1:32:17.920 what if somebody else came along and one of us changed, 1:32:18.240 --> 1:32:21.519 you know that it's such a silly thing. And I 1:32:21.560 --> 1:32:24.120 could never conceive of that at one point in my 1:32:24.280 --> 1:32:26.680 life because I had so many wounds around relationships and 1:32:26.760 --> 1:32:29.960 so many fears. And it's only through that beauty of 1:32:30.040 --> 1:32:32.759 like having those conversations and doing the work and deepening 1:32:32.760 --> 1:32:35.280 that connection in such a real way that then like 1:32:35.360 --> 1:32:38.240 some silly, frivolous thing, that oh, something attractive could come 1:32:38.280 --> 1:32:40.400 along and you could change it. Like it seems so 1:32:40.560 --> 1:32:42.960 almost like you know, like silly, like you can laugh 1:32:43.000 --> 1:32:45.960 at it after a while. But that's because I think 1:32:46.000 --> 1:32:47.519 the real work isn't that you're going to be one 1:32:47.560 --> 1:32:49.600 hundred percent sure. It's that you build that hundred or 1:32:49.640 --> 1:32:52.439 close to one hundred percent certainty through all of those 1:32:52.439 --> 1:32:55.080 meaningful conversations that you're building over time. And I really 1:32:55.120 --> 1:32:58.479 believe love isn't just given. I think love has really grown, 1:32:58.520 --> 1:33:00.120 and I think that's part of what allows us to 1:33:00.439 --> 1:33:01.439 foster that with people. 1:33:01.760 --> 1:33:04.160 I agree with you. I was having this conversation with 1:33:04.200 --> 1:33:08.360 someone that life would be in one what you just explained. 1:33:08.400 --> 1:33:12.680 Life would be somewhat more entertaining if you went from 1:33:13.200 --> 1:33:16.160 dating to honeymoon and then broke at the power struggle 1:33:16.160 --> 1:33:18.320 and just kept doing that circle again because you keep 1:33:18.320 --> 1:33:22.120 getting this honeymoon period. But the honeymoon period requires no growth, 1:33:22.960 --> 1:33:26.960 and the growth over time is what allows you to 1:33:27.000 --> 1:33:31.400 realize the value of any relationship. And when I wrote 1:33:31.439 --> 1:33:34.559 my second book, Aprils, of love. It was all based 1:33:34.600 --> 1:33:37.800 on the Eastern teachings, which is every stage of life 1:33:38.200 --> 1:33:41.880 is called an ushram, and an usherm by definition, is 1:33:41.920 --> 1:33:45.080 a place of growth, and so being on your own 1:33:45.280 --> 1:33:47.439 is an ushroom, and then being with a partner is 1:33:47.479 --> 1:33:50.599 an ushrom, and the ushroom is a place of growth, 1:33:50.600 --> 1:33:54.080 a place of evolution. And so I think our views 1:33:54.080 --> 1:33:58.200 of love have been so warped by just happiness or 1:33:58.360 --> 1:34:02.000 pleasure that you forget that the greatest joy a human 1:34:02.040 --> 1:34:05.320 can feel is the challenge. And ultimately you're choosing someone 1:34:05.360 --> 1:34:07.760 that you like to be challenged by, that likes to 1:34:07.760 --> 1:34:11.080 be challenged by you, and where the challenge becomes enjoyable 1:34:11.120 --> 1:34:15.000 and joyful as opposed to the challenge being exhausting and 1:34:15.080 --> 1:34:20.200 tiring and painful. Absolutely right, that's at least what's resonated 1:34:20.200 --> 1:34:20.439 with me. 1:34:20.720 --> 1:34:21.679 That's so beautiful. 1:34:21.680 --> 1:34:22.120 I love that. 1:34:22.200 --> 1:34:24.559 I love that idea too, that like, the relationship is 1:34:24.560 --> 1:34:26.160 the ushroom and sort of like we were talking about, 1:34:26.200 --> 1:34:28.320 like yeah, really that One of my favorite quotes that 1:34:28.360 --> 1:34:30.679 reminds me of this is from Roomy and Roomy says 1:34:30.720 --> 1:34:32.840 if I am irritated by every rub, how will I 1:34:32.840 --> 1:34:35.719 ever be polished? And it's this idea that like everything 1:34:35.720 --> 1:34:37.760 I think, we so were so quick to jump to 1:34:37.800 --> 1:34:40.080 the conclusion that the hard things or the painful things 1:34:40.560 --> 1:34:42.840 are things that oh no, like this shouldn't be happening. 1:34:42.840 --> 1:34:45.240 Why is this happening to me? But I actually believe 1:34:45.400 --> 1:34:48.160 then this is actually again I'm going to throw a 1:34:48.200 --> 1:34:50.080 lot of this work on myself first, but I remember 1:34:50.439 --> 1:34:53.280 being so scared to see people in pain. I couldn't 1:34:53.280 --> 1:34:55.000 handle it as a little codependent and somebody to be 1:34:55.040 --> 1:34:56.400 in pain I wanted to like because it for them 1:34:56.479 --> 1:35:00.000 right now. Yeah, And when I really started to reflect, 1:35:00.160 --> 1:35:02.400 they did this exercise once and I went and looked 1:35:02.400 --> 1:35:04.040 at the hardest times of my life. I wrote them 1:35:04.040 --> 1:35:06.360 all on paper, like the big ones, the really hard ones, individually, 1:35:07.240 --> 1:35:10.439 and I went through and I looked at, Okay, what 1:35:10.479 --> 1:35:13.120 did this give me? What was the hidden gift? And 1:35:13.160 --> 1:35:14.680 how did this serve me? How did this grow me? 1:35:14.720 --> 1:35:17.280 What did I learn? And oh, my goodness, by the 1:35:17.400 --> 1:35:20.200 end of that, I was like tears of like relief 1:35:20.360 --> 1:35:23.040 and gratitude because I noticed that in every really hard 1:35:23.080 --> 1:35:26.920 time there was this like invaluable lesson that I learned. 1:35:26.920 --> 1:35:28.960 And I really believe that God puts on our path 1:35:29.000 --> 1:35:30.880 for a reason, and I was able to go, oh 1:35:30.920 --> 1:35:33.240 my gosh, Like there was a time where I was 1:35:33.280 --> 1:35:35.880 going through and trying to get sober, and I tried 1:35:35.920 --> 1:35:37.760 to reach out to people and I really didn't get 1:35:37.760 --> 1:35:40.000 the support that I needed at that time. And also 1:35:40.040 --> 1:35:42.200 because I was difficult at that time of my life too, 1:35:42.200 --> 1:35:45.760 I understand why. And it was so painful for me 1:35:45.800 --> 1:35:47.400 at the time, and I thought like I'll never get 1:35:47.439 --> 1:35:49.559 over it, And it was so healing for me to realize, 1:35:49.600 --> 1:35:52.640 like because I didn't go looking outside of myself for 1:35:52.720 --> 1:35:56.519 something in those moments that brought me into relationship to myself, 1:35:56.560 --> 1:35:58.800 into relationship to God. I felt like I really found 1:35:58.800 --> 1:36:01.599 a relationship to in those moments and through those times, 1:36:02.040 --> 1:36:04.559 and it was like, how could you ever want something 1:36:04.560 --> 1:36:06.640 other than that? Like how could like thank God that 1:36:06.680 --> 1:36:08.360 I went through that, and it was like this really 1:36:08.400 --> 1:36:10.400 big relief. And so I think sometimes we were so 1:36:10.479 --> 1:36:12.759 quick to think pain shouldn't be happening, bad thing shouldn't 1:36:12.800 --> 1:36:15.160 be happening, things in relationships should just be easy all 1:36:15.200 --> 1:36:17.160 the time. But it's like sometimes pain is the greatest 1:36:17.160 --> 1:36:19.960 teacher and actually presents to us if we are willing 1:36:20.000 --> 1:36:22.680 to look and find those things. The greatest gifts in 1:36:22.720 --> 1:36:24.280 what's going to grow us in that next season of 1:36:24.320 --> 1:36:24.799 our lives? 1:36:25.080 --> 1:36:27.800 Well said, Tase, we want to play this game with 1:36:27.920 --> 1:36:31.760 you called this or That Relationship Edition. So we're going 1:36:31.840 --> 1:36:35.040 to ask you this or that. Let you choose. So Tayse, 1:36:35.560 --> 1:36:38.559 slow things down to match their pace, even if you 1:36:38.640 --> 1:36:42.719 want more, or move on, to honor your timeline, even 1:36:42.720 --> 1:36:43.960 if it means losing them. 1:36:44.680 --> 1:36:46.479 I'm scared all my answers are going to be like 1:36:46.720 --> 1:36:49.479 communicate and find the middle ground. But I would say, 1:36:49.560 --> 1:36:52.920 for sure, be honest, be upfront, tell somebody what your 1:36:53.000 --> 1:36:56.000 timeline is, stand in your truth, be really authentic, and 1:36:56.080 --> 1:36:59.240 if somebody is unwilling to move and meet you parway, 1:36:59.320 --> 1:37:01.680 then you have to yourself and keep it moving. And 1:37:01.680 --> 1:37:04.479 I often found I know these are probably supposed to 1:37:04.479 --> 1:37:09.880 be quick questions, but I've often found that people who 1:37:09.960 --> 1:37:11.720 are anxious think, oh, I'll just slow down to win 1:37:11.760 --> 1:37:14.120 them over. Doesn't work like that, never works like that. 1:37:14.200 --> 1:37:15.920 What you do is you honor your truth, you speak 1:37:15.960 --> 1:37:17.960 your needs, you stand in it, and you let that 1:37:18.000 --> 1:37:20.439 person either grow and move towards or you don't. And 1:37:20.600 --> 1:37:23.320 usually if you're into people pleasing, it's the self betrayal, 1:37:23.360 --> 1:37:25.599 and then that feeds back into the subconscious comfort zone. 1:37:25.640 --> 1:37:26.679 It just never works that way. 1:37:27.000 --> 1:37:30.559 Absolutely, okay, cool, next one, stay with someone who feels 1:37:30.560 --> 1:37:34.439 safe but doesn't excite you, or choose someone who excites 1:37:34.479 --> 1:37:35.880 you but keeps you on edge. 1:37:36.160 --> 1:37:38.040 I would say stay with the person who feel safe 1:37:38.080 --> 1:37:40.439 because it's more green flags. But then build things that 1:37:40.520 --> 1:37:43.439 create mutual excitement into your relationship. So it's actually one 1:37:43.479 --> 1:37:45.920 of the ways it's the right of passage to get 1:37:45.920 --> 1:37:48.160 out of the rhythm stage and into the future stages 1:37:48.160 --> 1:37:50.800 of relationship is if you feel like there's a sense 1:37:50.840 --> 1:37:53.320 of safety but not enough excitement, then you have to 1:37:53.320 --> 1:37:56.479 build novelty into the relationship, spontaneity, things that make you 1:37:56.479 --> 1:37:58.920 feel that sense of chemistry and connection. So safety is 1:37:59.000 --> 1:38:01.720 really healthy and good, but then build those things in 1:38:01.800 --> 1:38:03.320 that keep that that sparkle live. 1:38:03.800 --> 1:38:08.080 It's easier to add excitement to a safe relationship than 1:38:08.120 --> 1:38:11.400 it is to build safety in an exciting relationship. 1:38:11.680 --> 1:38:13.160 That makes beautifully right. 1:38:13.400 --> 1:38:17.240 And it's like we we think that, oh, if something's exciting, oh, 1:38:17.280 --> 1:38:18.680 I can make this film more safe. I can make 1:38:18.720 --> 1:38:21.400 this film more secure. But that's a much harder thing 1:38:21.479 --> 1:38:24.200 to develop from that foundation than the other. 1:38:24.080 --> 1:38:27.360 Way around, and like caveat being that you have to 1:38:27.360 --> 1:38:30.840 actually feel attracted as the person the person. I can 1:38:30.880 --> 1:38:32.920 see some people being like, oh so I should say 1:38:32.920 --> 1:38:34.760 with the person I'm not interested in no way, But like, 1:38:35.080 --> 1:38:37.439 the reality is exactly what you said, And sometimes the 1:38:37.840 --> 1:38:40.680 constantly on edge is for really painful reasons, especially if 1:38:40.680 --> 1:38:42.160 the other person's are going to be willing to do 1:38:42.160 --> 1:38:42.720 the work with you. 1:38:43.439 --> 1:38:48.000 Okay, next one, build stability slowly with someone dependable, or 1:38:48.080 --> 1:38:54.879 follow instant chemistry and risk the uncertainty. 1:38:52.720 --> 1:38:55.479 Build you know' id actually almost go and reverse on 1:38:55.560 --> 1:38:58.320 that one. I would say follow the chemistry as long 1:38:58.360 --> 1:39:00.879 as you're going to do the work on it. Chemistry 1:39:00.920 --> 1:39:03.479 tells us a lot about ourselves those times you get 1:39:03.520 --> 1:39:07.000 those really exciting like connections and that like oh my gosh. 1:39:07.160 --> 1:39:10.160 That is always we have limreents or intense infatuation for 1:39:10.200 --> 1:39:13.479 three reasons. Number one, somebody's expressing your repress trates, like 1:39:13.479 --> 1:39:16.519 we talked about, do that integration work. Number two, somebody 1:39:16.560 --> 1:39:19.280 is meeting your deeply unmet needs from childhood. That'll be 1:39:19.320 --> 1:39:21.360 the spark early, and then it'll be the thing that 1:39:21.360 --> 1:39:24.160 pressures the relationship later because you're trying to just source 1:39:24.200 --> 1:39:26.479 from them, So do that work to really build those 1:39:26.520 --> 1:39:28.799 It's sort of this key that unlocked all this awareness 1:39:28.800 --> 1:39:30.840 and to yourself. And then the third thing is how 1:39:30.880 --> 1:39:33.040 somebody's you know, treating you. If it's how you treat yourself, 1:39:33.040 --> 1:39:34.360 we got to work that out. So I would say, 1:39:34.600 --> 1:39:38.080 follow the excitement, but vet that somebody is going to 1:39:38.080 --> 1:39:39.520 do the work with you, not negotiably. 1:39:39.920 --> 1:39:45.040 Yes, getting closure from yourself or closure from your ex 1:39:45.160 --> 1:39:46.480 after a breakup. 1:39:46.080 --> 1:39:51.000 From self, through and through, because what you're looking for 1:39:51.080 --> 1:39:53.920 is needs from that person who often can't supply them anyways. 1:39:54.320 --> 1:39:57.639 And closure. When people break down, closure, closure, they're actually 1:39:57.640 --> 1:40:01.040 looking for certainty. Okay, the best way to get certainty 1:40:01.040 --> 1:40:02.599 is to question all of your stories that you're telling 1:40:02.640 --> 1:40:04.320 after the breakup. So people want the certainty of their 1:40:04.400 --> 1:40:07.000 act saying, oh, it wasn't all your fault, it was 1:40:07.040 --> 1:40:08.400 this and this and it was me. They want to 1:40:08.439 --> 1:40:10.160 hear all those details. You know, what you're gonna do 1:40:10.280 --> 1:40:11.920 is you're gonna sit down and write all your stories 1:40:11.920 --> 1:40:14.519 on paper. It was all my fault, I wasn't good enough, 1:40:14.560 --> 1:40:16.720 I'm unlovable. You're gonna put all those things and you're 1:40:16.720 --> 1:40:19.080 gonna sit there and you're gonna question them and you say, really, 1:40:19.080 --> 1:40:20.880 I wasn't good enough? How was I got enough? How 1:40:20.920 --> 1:40:23.160 did I show up? I'm not lovable? How am I lovable? 1:40:23.200 --> 1:40:25.400 And you're going to honor those things. And that's those 1:40:25.400 --> 1:40:26.720 things that we're trying to get from your exsor neck 1:40:26.720 --> 1:40:27.880 that your ACX is never going to give them to 1:40:27.960 --> 1:40:29.680 the way that you need, but you can give them 1:40:29.720 --> 1:40:31.800 to yourself in that way, and that's healing and its 1:40:31.840 --> 1:40:33.720 growth and you have a sense of control over it 1:40:33.720 --> 1:40:34.280 and I help you way. 1:40:36.680 --> 1:40:39.000 It's been incredible talking to you today. I feel like 1:40:39.040 --> 1:40:42.360 I've learned so much. I truly believe you've given me 1:40:42.600 --> 1:40:46.000 the book, the podcast, and the program to recommend to 1:40:46.720 --> 1:40:48.600 all of my friends that are struggling in love and 1:40:48.640 --> 1:40:51.840 dating in relationships right now, because I don't think I've 1:40:51.920 --> 1:40:57.120 heard a stronger foundational way that people can actually engage 1:40:57.120 --> 1:41:01.120 and interact with each other. The framework so much gravitas, 1:41:01.160 --> 1:41:03.720 but the way you've built the program to be so 1:41:04.400 --> 1:41:08.800 simple and specific, feels so practical and tactical and easy 1:41:08.840 --> 1:41:12.480 to do for people. It's truly remarkable. Congratulations, Like it's 1:41:12.520 --> 1:41:16.400 really fulfilling hearing that I have something to give for 1:41:16.439 --> 1:41:18.400 people that I you know that I want to help. 1:41:18.960 --> 1:41:21.599 We end every on Purpose episode with a final five. 1:41:22.080 --> 1:41:25.080 These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum, 1:41:25.320 --> 1:41:27.920 So Teddy Skipson, these are your final five. The first 1:41:28.000 --> 1:41:30.800 question is what is the best love advice you've ever 1:41:30.840 --> 1:41:31.639 heard or received? 1:41:32.080 --> 1:41:35.320 To learn to be compassionate towards yourself and gentle towards yourself. 1:41:35.920 --> 1:41:39.120 Second question, what is the worst love advice you've ever 1:41:39.120 --> 1:41:39.920 heard or received? 1:41:40.040 --> 1:41:41.880 To try to change other people if they're not willing 1:41:41.920 --> 1:41:42.519 to do the work? 1:41:42.880 --> 1:41:44.400 Can you ever change someone? 1:41:44.640 --> 1:41:44.680 No? 1:41:45.240 --> 1:41:48.160 People can choose to change themselves, but you can only 1:41:48.200 --> 1:41:51.000 show up and lead by example. And that how somebody 1:41:51.000 --> 1:41:53.080 else responds Question number three? 1:41:53.320 --> 1:41:55.080 A couple here ates that I really wanted to get 1:41:55.120 --> 1:42:01.160 to So question number three, what does this really mean? 1:42:01.200 --> 1:42:01.759 In dating? 1:42:03.840 --> 1:42:08.280 The spark really means that somebody is the expression of 1:42:08.320 --> 1:42:10.960 your repressed traits, needing your deeply on that needs, or 1:42:11.000 --> 1:42:12.960 mirroring back to you. How you treat yourself when people 1:42:12.960 --> 1:42:13.839 have extreme sparks? 1:42:13.840 --> 1:42:18.120 It's always that good answer. Question number four? How do 1:42:18.240 --> 1:42:21.920 people unintentionally push away the love they want most? 1:42:22.479 --> 1:42:26.840 Because people end up trying to make somebody the person 1:42:26.880 --> 1:42:29.400 who's going to fill it all for them, complete them, 1:42:29.439 --> 1:42:32.240 do it all for them, when really we're supposed to 1:42:32.240 --> 1:42:35.000 do half that job for ourselves too. Otherwise we can't 1:42:35.000 --> 1:42:36.880 receive it properly from anybody, and we to put too 1:42:36.920 --> 1:42:37.400 much pressure. 1:42:37.640 --> 1:42:39.439 And fifth and final question, we asked this to every 1:42:39.439 --> 1:42:41.679 guest who's ever been on the show. If you could 1:42:41.680 --> 1:42:44.559 create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, 1:42:44.760 --> 1:42:45.360 what would it be. 1:42:45.840 --> 1:42:49.320 It would be for people to learn about their own 1:42:49.360 --> 1:42:53.080 subconscious conditioning and how to rewire it, because unless we 1:42:53.200 --> 1:42:56.160 deal with things at the subconscious level, we'll always set 1:42:56.200 --> 1:42:58.080 intentions or say we're going to do things, and then 1:42:58.120 --> 1:42:59.760 will often feel so defeated. It was a big part 1:42:59.760 --> 1:43:02.320 of what I went through trying to get sober originally, 1:43:02.360 --> 1:43:04.080 like what the heck is going on? And I just 1:43:04.200 --> 1:43:05.760 I think that's the key that unlocks so much for 1:43:05.800 --> 1:43:06.679 people in a deep way. 1:43:07.360 --> 1:43:10.439 The book is called The New Attachment Theory. Heal every 1:43:10.520 --> 1:43:14.400 relationship by rewiring your brain and nervous system Tay Gibson. 1:43:14.439 --> 1:43:16.960 If anyone wants to learn more about you, follow you, 1:43:17.400 --> 1:43:19.840 connect with your work, commit to the program. Where should 1:43:19.840 --> 1:43:21.960 they go so that they don't miss out on doing 1:43:21.960 --> 1:43:22.479 this work? 1:43:22.800 --> 1:43:25.519 So they can go to Personaldevelopment School dot com. We 1:43:25.560 --> 1:43:27.600 have these really in depth reports. People can get on 1:43:27.640 --> 1:43:30.120 their attachment style and take her free quiz and it 1:43:30.160 --> 1:43:32.040 goes through all of your pillars and your whole profile. 1:43:32.120 --> 1:43:34.600 And then I am also all of our programs are 1:43:34.640 --> 1:43:36.840 through there, and I'm also on YouTube which is ty 1:43:37.040 --> 1:43:40.360 S Gibson Dash Personal Development School or at the Personal 1:43:40.360 --> 1:43:43.200 Development School on Instagram. And I just want to say 1:43:43.520 --> 1:43:45.960 thank you so much for having me. You're a phenomenal host. 1:43:45.960 --> 1:43:49.479 I just honestly felt so connected to you and chatting, 1:43:49.520 --> 1:43:52.360 and thank you for bringing all this out of me 1:43:52.560 --> 1:43:53.479 and letting me share. 1:43:53.680 --> 1:43:55.680 No I said this to earlier. Thank you for being 1:43:55.960 --> 1:43:59.720 a resource that I can direct people too, who I 1:43:59.760 --> 1:44:02.280 really feel this is such a foundational thing for having 1:44:02.320 --> 1:44:06.200 a successful life, like relationships, dating, work, it's everything. So 1:44:06.280 --> 1:44:08.799 tell us, thank you so much. Thanks me such a pleasure. 1:44:09.000 --> 1:44:11.479 Thank you, and I'm excited to have you that concern. 1:44:11.680 --> 1:44:12.599 Thank you, Thank you. 1:44:12.680 --> 1:44:16.240 If you enjoyed this conversation, you love my episode with 1:44:16.320 --> 1:44:20.760 the world's leading relationship therapist Esther Parrel where we talk 1:44:20.840 --> 1:44:24.880 about why your ego is ruining your relationships and how 1:44:24.960 --> 1:44:26.240 to date more effectively. 1:44:26.360 --> 1:44:28.840 I think we need to differentiate. Are you looking for 1:44:28.920 --> 1:44:31.640 chemistry for a love story or are you looking for 1:44:31.760 --> 1:44:33.200 chemistry for a life story.