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Speaker 1: That's honestly what our relationship baggage is. And those are

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Speaker 1: all things that interfere the most in our relationships. Oh

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Speaker 1: I felt abandoned as a child, Okay, I project that

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Speaker 1: as an adult. Oh I felt now good enough as

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Speaker 1: a child. That's what I bring into my relationships as

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Speaker 1: an adult. But those are solvable problems.

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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose today. My guest

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Speaker 2: is Tyy Gibson, the founder of the Personal Development School

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Speaker 2: and the creator of the New Attachment Theory Integrated Attachment Theory.

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Speaker 2: Being a leading expert in the space, she helps people

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Speaker 2: understand their relationship patterns. He'll call wounds and build secure,

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Speaker 2: lasting love. In Tys's book, The New Attachment Theory, heal

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Speaker 2: every relationship by rewiring your brain and nervous system. She

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Speaker 2: shares practical tools to change the patterns that shape how

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Speaker 2: we connect. Tedys Gibson, welcome to On Purpose.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me. You're lovely and

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Speaker 1: I'm just I'm really excited to chat with you.

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Speaker 2: I'm so grateful to have you here. Today's I feel

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Speaker 2: like the world got addicted to attachment styles and got

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Speaker 2: fascinated with the languaguage, and I think what so often

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Speaker 2: happens is we find language to support how we feel,

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Speaker 2: how we think. But then you're encouraging us with the

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Speaker 2: new attachment theory to actually encourage us to heal, to transform,

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Speaker 2: to grow. And I feel this is a conversation that

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Speaker 2: every single person needs to hear because whether it's their

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Speaker 2: love life, whether it's their workplace, whether it's their personal

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Speaker 2: image of who they are, this conversation will make a

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Speaker 2: difference in their life. Could you start by telling me

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Speaker 2: if someone listens to our conversation today, what will change

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Speaker 2: for them?

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Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing, And to your point, like,

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Speaker 1: I love that everybody. I've been studying this work for

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Speaker 1: a long time and in this field for a long time,

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Speaker 1: and when attachment style started becoming more mainstream, I was

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Speaker 1: so excited. And then over time I started thinking, like, wait,

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Speaker 1: it's almost becoming to the point where people are just

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Speaker 1: identifying with it almost as a label, going oh, I

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Speaker 1: just am this attachment style, rather than being in a

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Speaker 1: position of going wait, I have to heal this, Like,

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Speaker 1: let me understand this. This temporary label gives me contacts

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Speaker 1: into the things within me that may need a lot,

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Speaker 1: little bit more love or healing or support. But the

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Speaker 1: actual work is being able to say, Okay, here are

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Speaker 1: my patterns, where do they come from, and then actually

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Speaker 1: rewiring them at the subconscious level. And that's what I

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Speaker 1: definitely hope the key takeaway is for today.

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Speaker 2: If someone has no idea what attachment styles are and

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Speaker 2: this is their first time even hearing that term, how

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Speaker 2: would you break you down for them and define it

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Speaker 2: for them?

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So the first thing is everybody has an attachment

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Speaker 1: style and there are four of them, and this is

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Speaker 1: one of the biggest studied bodies of work. Originally, and

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Speaker 1: it originally came from John Bowlby and Mary Answorth of

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Speaker 1: Cambridge University and they said, hey, there are four attachment styles.

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Speaker 1: The first one is securely attached style. So they represent

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Speaker 1: about fifty percent of the population data shows us. I

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Speaker 1: always have a hard time with that. I'm like, wait,

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Speaker 1: it seems like it may not be quite so high.

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Speaker 1: But basically, they have securely attached individuals are people who

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Speaker 1: grew up in childhood with what we call a lot

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Speaker 1: of approach oriented behaviors from their parents. And it sounds

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Speaker 1: like such a small thing, but it goes such a

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Speaker 1: long way. So approach oriented behaviors really means that when

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Speaker 1: a child is young, if they cry or they get distressed,

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Speaker 1: the parent is a tuned They're very present and they

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Speaker 1: notice it and they approach the child to be like,

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Speaker 1: what's wrong, and they attempt to sue them and make

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Speaker 1: the child feel better. And what that conditions a child

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Speaker 1: to believe at a very young age is my emotions

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Speaker 1: are worthy of being seen and heard. It's safe to

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Speaker 1: rely on other people. I can trust that people are

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Speaker 1: going to be there for me, and also I can

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Speaker 1: communicate and almost most importantly, I am worthy of love

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Speaker 1: as I am on my good days, on my bad days,

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Speaker 1: and my good moments and in my hard moments. And

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Speaker 1: so there's a lot of really healthy condition that that

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Speaker 1: child adopts. And so of course that's the type of

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Speaker 1: patterning they bring into their relationships as adults. And what's

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Speaker 1: really interesting to me is it securely attached people, they

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Speaker 1: report not just having the longest lasting relationships, but they

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Speaker 1: report the most satisfaction in their relationships. And that's a

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Speaker 1: very meaningful thing. And I'm just a big believer in relationships.

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Speaker 1: I love people, I care about people, and I really

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Speaker 1: think that relationships determine the quality of our life in

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Speaker 1: so many ways, and so that's very meaningful in terms of,

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Speaker 1: you know, the stats on that. And then we have

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Speaker 1: three insecure attachment styles. This makes up the other fifty

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Speaker 1: percent or so of the population.

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Speaker 2: I call many fifty percent of people are secure. That's

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Speaker 2: that's huge.

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Speaker 1: That's what I think all the time.

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Speaker 2: I feel like, oh, my girlfriends are struggling to find

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Speaker 2: that that kind of person, Like all my friends who

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Speaker 2: are dating, all my friends are dating, are definitely struggling

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Speaker 2: to find that fifty percent.

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Speaker 1: I always think that myself, and to be honest, first

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Speaker 1: of all, it's conditioning, and we'll get into a lot

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Speaker 1: of this, I'm sure, but condition changes. So somebody could

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Speaker 1: be security young age when a lot of these experiments

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Speaker 1: are originally done, and then they can go through relationship

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Speaker 1: struggles and become insecure later. And secondly, I'm always like, oh,

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Speaker 1: maybe it's my sample size of people, you know, because

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Speaker 1: I always see people wore insecurely attached become secure, So going, okay,

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Speaker 1: maybe that's why. But securely attached people often end up

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Speaker 1: in relationships pretty early with other securely attached people, and

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Speaker 1: we can get into why that happens at a subconscious level,

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Speaker 1: because you usually pair up with people of a specific

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Speaker 1: attachment cell for specific reasons. But to your point, I

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Speaker 1: wonder the same thing. I'm like, come on this out.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, But the other fifty percent of the insecure attachment is.

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Speaker 1: Exactly So then we have three and I like to

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Speaker 1: think of the other three as being along a continuum

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Speaker 1: in a way. So one end of the continuum of

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Speaker 1: the anxious attachment style anxiously attached individuals. They grow up

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Speaker 1: with either real or perceived abandonment. Real abandonment is the obvious.

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Speaker 1: You know, a parent passes away at a young age

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Speaker 1: god forbid, or a parent is you know, they leave

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Speaker 1: at a young age for a child, and all of

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Speaker 1: a sudden, that child grows up feeling like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: am I going to be left or abandoned again. Perceived

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Speaker 1: abandonment is really interesting because the neuroscience of trauma tells

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Speaker 1: us that small tea trauma repeatedly enough over time has

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Speaker 1: a quite similar impact to a singular big tea trauma.

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Speaker 1: So perceived abandonment consistently in a child's upbringing cause them

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Speaker 1: to have real, real abandonment wounds as an adult, similar

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Speaker 1: to if there was a real abandonment that took place,

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Speaker 1: and perceived abandonment is things like you have very loving parents,

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Speaker 1: but they're really busy. They're always working, they're always traveling

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Speaker 1: for work. And so children grow up in this environment

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Speaker 1: going Okay, love is here and then love is taken

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Speaker 1: away and love is here and it's taken away, and

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Speaker 1: that inconsistency there causes this child to really brace and

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Speaker 1: deeply fear love being taken away. And so as adults,

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Speaker 1: these individuals they adapt in their life to be like,

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Speaker 1: let me really be charming and charismatic and well legged,

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Speaker 1: so I win people low and they end up having

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Speaker 1: superpowers in that way in many forms, but also anxiously

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Speaker 1: attach adults. They people please so much to the point

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Speaker 1: where they can burn themselves out, or they people please

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Speaker 1: to the point of self silencing, and they're big wounds.

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Speaker 1: So we took this original body of attachment theory and

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Speaker 1: they know it, said here're your for attachment cells. Good luck,

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Speaker 1: and it was sort of like, wait, but you can

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Speaker 1: recondition pretty much anything, like you can rewire these things.

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Speaker 1: And I originally started in this work for that reason.

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Speaker 1: And so what we found is that anxious attachment cells

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Speaker 1: They have big core wounds, specifically around the fear of abandonment,

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Speaker 1: the fear of being alone, excluded, disliked, rejected, not good enough.

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Speaker 1: These are like these huge wounds and triggers in their relationships,

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Speaker 1: and they need very specific things in relationships. They need

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Speaker 1: more validation, approval. They really like certainty if somebody cancels

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Speaker 1: plans with them, they really want to know, Okay, you're

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Speaker 1: canceling plans, but tell me what I'm going to see

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Speaker 1: you next, and then they can sort of rest and

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Speaker 1: feel comfortable and safe. And so they end up in

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Speaker 1: situations where they sometimes struggle with their boundaries. Growing up,

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Speaker 1: they often end up in situations as well where because

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Speaker 1: they're so busy making sure that everybody else is good,

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Speaker 1: they kind of forget about themselves and they put themselves

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Speaker 1: on the back burner. So anxious attachment sells. As adults,

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Speaker 1: they often also were very much invested in and attracted

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Speaker 1: to emotionally unavailable people, and that becomes really problematic.

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Speaker 2: It's different way.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So they become attracted to emotionally unavailable people because

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Speaker 1: and I guess maybe I'll give a little bit more

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Speaker 1: of a backstory to this, you know, for me, I

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Speaker 1: originally got into this work because I, you know, had

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Speaker 1: a turbulent childhood and actually got addicted to pain killers

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Speaker 1: after a knee surgery at fifteen, and I you know,

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Speaker 1: really struggled with about a six year daily use of

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Speaker 1: opioids and tried in patient rehab and out patient rehab

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Speaker 1: and had all of these these things come up. And

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Speaker 1: what was really interesting is I felt like life was

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Speaker 1: really hard, and I felt like relationships were really hard

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Speaker 1: at that point, and I tried a lot of things

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Speaker 1: that weren't really working. And I was in school for

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Speaker 1: psychology and like maybe all the outside my life looked

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Speaker 1: like you're doing well, You're you're okay, but on the inside,

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Speaker 1: I was like a mass, like I was really hurting.

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Speaker 1: And I was in a psych class and I was

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Speaker 1: seriously thinking, like I think I need to leave school,

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Speaker 1: like I don't think I can take this handless. And

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Speaker 1: somebody said to me in a class they were like

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Speaker 1: I wasn't even the professor as a student, and he said, oh,

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Speaker 1: your conscious mind can't outwill or overpower your subconscious mind.

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Speaker 1: And for me that was like so powerful because I

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Speaker 1: was sitting there going, oh, so you're telling me that,

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Speaker 1: Like all the times they say I'm going to get clean,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to change my life. I'm gonna, you know,

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Speaker 1: stop all these these really painful things that I'm doing.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to delete people's numbers from my phone. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to change, and then I don't. It's not that

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Speaker 1: I'm weak or powerless or not capable. It's that, like,

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Speaker 1: this is actually what's going on, it's my subconscious mind.

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Speaker 1: So I originally started this work by getting sober and

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Speaker 1: then being obsessed with learning about the subconscious mind and

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Speaker 1: the ego and how all this works from sort of

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Speaker 1: this like spiritual perspective to how do we sort of

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Speaker 1: transcend those patterns in those conditions. So I was originally

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Speaker 1: working for the first few years of my actice not

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Speaker 1: with attachment cells, but actually with people in their core wounds.

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Speaker 1: So like, what are these big triggers that we carry

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Speaker 1: from our past into our present and you know, how

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Speaker 1: is this showing up in our life? And so what

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Speaker 1: was really interesting about that is I was working with

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Speaker 1: people on rewiring their triggers, learning their own needs and

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Speaker 1: how to meet them in healthy ways, learning to regulate

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Speaker 1: their nervous system, learning to communicate and set boundaries. And

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Speaker 1: then I came to attachment cells actually because I met

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Speaker 1: my now husband and we both had our own little

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Speaker 1: things we hadn't worked out in relationships yet, and I

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Speaker 1: started revisiting attachment theory, which I had learned at a

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Speaker 1: very high level in university, and I was like, wait, Like,

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Speaker 1: first of all, if I know somebody's attachment cell, I

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Speaker 1: now know exactly what their core wounds are going to be,

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Speaker 1: exactly what their needs are going to be, exactly what

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Speaker 1: these emotional patterns are going to be in relationships, and

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Speaker 1: what their nervous system is going to be functioning like.

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Speaker 1: And I know what types of boundary issues they're going

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Speaker 1: to have and how they tend to communicate in relationships.

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Speaker 1: And it was so interesting because like original attachment theory

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Speaker 1: didn't cover any of that. It was more about like

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Speaker 1: temperament and some of your behaviors. And so I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: my gosh, tell me somebody's attachment cell and I can

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Speaker 1: help them rewire all these different patterns and themes. And

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Speaker 1: so what was really exciting to me is like attachment

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Speaker 1: styles became mainstream, but then it was like, Okay, here's

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Speaker 1: your attachment cell. And that's when people start to identify

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Speaker 1: instead of like, hey, let me do that underlying work.

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Speaker 1: So going back to detoured there, but going back to this,

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Speaker 1: that's the anxious attachment cell in the nutshells, Like, those

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Speaker 1: are their themes and their patterns. They fear, like the abandonment,

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Speaker 1: feeling not good enough, feeling excluded, dislike rejected. Those are

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Speaker 1: those big triggers that they're bringing from their past because

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Speaker 1: their subconscious mind was imprinted with that, and then we

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Speaker 1: always project that into the present. And I often give

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Speaker 1: people this analogy of like a bear in the woods.

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Speaker 1: If you go into the woods tomorrow and you see

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Speaker 1: a bear and you run from it and you're safe,

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Speaker 1: thank goodness. But then the very next day you go

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Speaker 1: back into the woods, Well, what does your mind do.

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Speaker 1: You're like bracing for the bear. You're like the bear

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Speaker 1: is coming. The trees blow in the wind, and you're like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, the bear. And so what's really interesting

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Speaker 1: is that we all do that, right, we all have.

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Speaker 1: Oh I felt abandoned as a child, Okay, I project

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Speaker 1: that as an adult. Oh I felt not good enough

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Speaker 1: as a child. That's what I bring into my relationships

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Speaker 1: as an adult. And that's honestly what our relationship baggage is,

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Speaker 1: and those are all things that interfere the most in

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Speaker 1: our relationships, but those are solvable problems. So that's sort

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Speaker 1: of the anxious attachment s all And do you want

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Speaker 1: me to go into the other two?

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Speaker 2: Yes, exact, Okay, so we have.

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Speaker 1: Our secure we have are anxious. At the other end

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Speaker 1: of the continuums are dismissive avoidant, So the dismissive avoidant

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Speaker 1: attachment style. They grow up with their overarching theme being

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Speaker 1: childhood emotional neglect. And sometimes you hear that and you

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Speaker 1: kind of imagine that, Okay, this person is going through

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Speaker 1: their childhood and you know they have this really intense

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Speaker 1: dynamic where they're alone at three years old and they're

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Speaker 1: trying to find food. Like of course it can be

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Speaker 1: these really extreme scenarios, but most often childhood emotional neglect

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Speaker 1: is very much that you have these kids who food's

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Speaker 1: on the table, so there's structure and order, they're at

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Speaker 1: school on time, but their parents are not emotionally available

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Speaker 1: and not attuned. And it's usually not the inconsistency like

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Speaker 1: once attuned and one's not. It's usually both are not

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Speaker 1: really attuned, and they're much more uninvolved, and because children

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Speaker 1: are literally wired for attunement, they are wired for connection.

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Speaker 1: We need as children to feel safe and to feel

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Speaker 1: seen and to feel special. Children come into this environment

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Speaker 1: and they're like, Okay, well, I guess this part of

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Speaker 1: me that needs this is defective and wrong. And so

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Speaker 1: what they end up doing to adapt to an environment

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Speaker 1: like that is repressing their attachment needs and minimizing their

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Speaker 1: need for emotional connection. And so they feel better and

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Speaker 1: like they have a sense of control when they're able

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Speaker 1: to do that. But then as adults that really causes

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Speaker 1: destruction to their relationships because they've learned, Okay, this part

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Speaker 1: of me, my emotional, vulnerable self, is defective or shameful.

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Speaker 1: If I express it too much, I'll be weak. These

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Speaker 1: are their big triggers. They end up feeling very afraid

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Speaker 1: of relying on other people and being helpless or trapped

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Speaker 1: in a situation or engulfed, and they very much internalize

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Speaker 1: a lot of shame from childhood because as a child,

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Speaker 1: if you yearn for connection and it keeps getting rejected

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Speaker 1: and nobody's paying attention, well, then of course as an

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Speaker 1: adult you're like, oh, deep down, if people really see me,

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Speaker 1: they're going to reject me like that too, and it

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Speaker 1: must be shameful, like something deep down must be defective

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Speaker 1: or broken within me. And so it's so interesting because

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Speaker 1: they're very stoic. Dismissable winds are very stoic. You often

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Speaker 1: don't see it, but that tends to be what they

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Speaker 1: bring into their relationships. Those are their biggest core triggers

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Speaker 1: and fears from this new attachment theory perspective. And so

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Speaker 1: then we have these adults who go into their relationships

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Speaker 1: and there are the types of individuals as adults who

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Speaker 1: are like, oh, they're great at the beginning when everything's

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Speaker 1: easy and light, and then after you date them for

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Speaker 1: four or five six months, when things get a little

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Speaker 1: more real and serious, they jet or they pull away,

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Speaker 1: or they retreat, and then they end up in situations where,

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Speaker 1: you know, even if they make it through that period

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Speaker 1: of time and keep dating somebody and keep investing, they

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Speaker 1: really retreat emotionally and they shut down. And so then

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Speaker 1: you have these individuals as adults who are like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you know, I feel like I'm trying to connect with

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Speaker 1: you and my partner's not really available or present, and

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Speaker 1: they really cope by trying to always minimize their attachment

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Speaker 1: needs and create space, and so they become quite distant

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Speaker 1: in relationships. And then the very last one is the

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Speaker 1: fearful avoidant attachment style. Fearful avoidance are basically characterized by

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Speaker 1: more big T trauma growing up, some more emotional chaos.

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Speaker 1: You know, it can be anything from like having a

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Speaker 1: parent with narcissistic personality disorder to having a parent who

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Speaker 1: is an alcoholic or parents an active addiction, are really

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Speaker 1: intense divorce growing up. You have more extreme kind of

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Speaker 1: scenarios that that children are exposed to, but they're wiring

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Speaker 1: is such that. Well, an anxious attachment style is like

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Speaker 1: they always want more closeness than to win people over,

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Speaker 1: and avoidance always want more space and to keep distance.

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Speaker 1: Fearful avoidance learn that love is both a really good

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Speaker 1: thing and a really hard thing. Interesting, so they grow

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Speaker 1: up essentially going, well, love is a good thing because

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Speaker 1: let's say, for example, that mom is an alcoholic. Well,

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Speaker 1: maybe one day mom comes home and she's had a

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Speaker 1: few drinks, but she's in a good mood and she's

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Speaker 1: loving and she embraces you, and you're like, oh, love

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Speaker 1: is safe, love is good. I want more of this

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Speaker 1: and then other days, maybe mom's an alcoholic and she's

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Speaker 1: drinking more heavily, and now she's angry drunk, and she's

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Speaker 1: cruel and she's mean and she's unpredictable. And a child

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Speaker 1: is like, well, love is a really good thing, but

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Speaker 1: it can also really hurt me. It will be really

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Speaker 1: harsh and critical and cruel sometimes to me, And so

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Speaker 1: they end up having very competing associations about the same thing.

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Speaker 1: They're like, love is both really good and really bad.

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Speaker 1: And then as adults what ends up happening is they're

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Speaker 1: the very hot and cold partner. A lot of their

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Speaker 1: core wounds from their childhood. Their version of the bear

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Speaker 1: in the woods is they fear abandonment because they feel

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Speaker 1: that abandonment when that love isn't there. They fear being

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Speaker 1: trapped and helpless if they rely on people, because they've

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Speaker 1: had times where they rely on somebody who's really unpredictable

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Speaker 1: and scary, and they have a huge core wound around

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Speaker 1: feeling betrayed. That's the biggest wound we found from the

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Speaker 1: new attachment theory perspective, is like always waiting for the

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Speaker 1: other shoe to drop, always waiting to be on high alert,

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Speaker 1: like is somebody gonna hurt me. And what happens to

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Speaker 1: fearful avoidance is they get into relationships and love feels

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Speaker 1: like a very bittersweet experience. And I'll speak for myself

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Speaker 1: because I was a fearful avoidant, and I remember before

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Speaker 1: doing a lot of deep in our work, my early

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Speaker 1: serious relationships when I was much younger, feeling like I

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Speaker 1: would fall in love and feeling like I loved the

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Speaker 1: feeling of being in love and connecting and really wanted

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Speaker 1: that depth and connection. But it was also very bittersweet

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Speaker 1: because the more I loved, the more I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: you're for sure going to hurt me that much more,

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Speaker 1: Like this is going to be a really bad ending,

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Speaker 1: and there was this sort of belief that everything was

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Speaker 1: going to inevitably be really bad and really painful. So

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Speaker 1: love feels so good, but it also feels like a

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Speaker 1: threat and it's scary, and it causes you in a

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Speaker 1: relationship to be like come get close, coming close, and

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Speaker 1: somebody get closer, like get back. I changed my mind.

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Speaker 1: And so you see this, and you see it like clockwork.

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Speaker 1: I've seen this with tons of thousands of clients I've

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Speaker 1: worked with the same themes the same patterns. And I

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Speaker 1: remember having one woman and she said to me, I

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Speaker 1: could tell by the way my mom got home from work.

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Speaker 1: I would be upstairs in my room, and I could

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Speaker 1: tell by the way my mom closed the door on

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Speaker 1: her way in if I should close my door quickly

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Speaker 1: or not. And it's like, fearful avoids learned to be

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Speaker 1: very hyper vigilant. They learned to read between the lines.

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Speaker 1: They read like every little micro expression and body language

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Speaker 1: and change in a tone of voice, because that's how

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Speaker 1: they've learned to attach. So anxious people are like, let me,

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Speaker 1: let me get close to you, and people please Dismissive

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Speaker 1: avoidance are like, let me keep space. Fearful avoidance are like,

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Speaker 1: let me notice little thing about you so I can

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Speaker 1: predict your future and I can know how to respond.

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Speaker 1: And it gives them that superpower in a way. But

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00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,040
Speaker 1: often then when you have these wounds and then you

388
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,240
Speaker 1: jump to conclusions like, oh, something change, something's off, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna band and or betray me, or you're trying to

390
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,120
Speaker 1: control me, and you sort of jump to those conclusions.

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Speaker 1: It makes for a really turbulent set of relationships and lifestyle.

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Speaker 2: I think what you just explained I think everyone listening

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Speaker 2: is like, that's who I am, that's who i've dated,

394
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Speaker 2: that's who my parents are, right Like, when you break

395
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Speaker 2: you down that way, I feel it gives people so

396
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:35,840
Speaker 2: much clarity to actually recognize all the mistakes they're repeating,

397
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:41,240
Speaker 2: all the things they're carrying. Why we walk into relationships

398
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,879
Speaker 2: where we can sense something doesn't quite make sense, or

399
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Speaker 2: why we get attracted to familiar patterns that we saw

400
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:51,600
Speaker 2: in our parents. It feels like this can help people

401
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,920
Speaker 2: actually give them a map of how to make sense

402
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,679
Speaker 2: of their emotions and even the people they meet. What

403
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,080
Speaker 2: would you encourage someone to do differently? If someone's listening

404
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,159
Speaker 2: right now and they're dating, how can they use what

405
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,440
Speaker 2: you've just shared to date differently?

406
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, so really good question. So you touched on something

407
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,000
Speaker 1: earlier and I sidetracked and good to come back to.

408
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,159
Speaker 1: But it's actually this, It's that we you were like,

409
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,080
Speaker 1: what causes that sort of attraction piece and this place

410
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Speaker 1: right into this, which is we are attracted to people.

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Speaker 1: So your conscious mind is responsible for three to five

412
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Speaker 1: percent of all of your beliefs, your thoughts, your emotions,

413
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Speaker 1: your actions. Your subconscious and unconscious collectively are ninety five

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Speaker 1: to ninety seven percent. And so what's really interesting is

415
00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,040
Speaker 1: consciously our conscious minds, our logical analytical mind, and our

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00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:37,840
Speaker 1: subconsciousness are our habituate itself, our programming or conditioning, and

417
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Speaker 1: our conscious mind will say, I want the emotionally available partner,

418
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Speaker 1: I want the person who is ready to be and

419
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Speaker 1: a related We'll say all the things in the world,

420
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Speaker 1: but secure people feel that consciously and subconsciously. Insecure people don't.

421
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Speaker 1: Insecurelyttuch people don't really have that same experience. So, for example,

422
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:59,920
Speaker 1: our subconscious mind equates familiarity to safety and thus survival,

423
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Speaker 1: and ultimately we're survival wired. And so what ends up

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Speaker 1: happening is people who are let's say anxiously attached, for example,

425
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,919
Speaker 1: they'll often say consciously that they want the emotionally available partner,

426
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,800
Speaker 1: but they will feel most attracted to and be most

427
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,639
Speaker 1: likely to invest in because your subconscious mind runs the

428
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:19,080
Speaker 1: show people who are most familiar. What is most familiar

429
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Speaker 1: to each of us is actually the way we treat ourselves.

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Speaker 1: And so if you look at the anxious person, how

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00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,960
Speaker 1: does the anxious person treat themselves well? Because they're so

432
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,399
Speaker 1: externally focused on everybody else's feelings, and needs. They often

433
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,000
Speaker 1: dismiss and avoid their own feelings, their needs, their boundaries,

434
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,399
Speaker 1: and so what happens as a result of that is

435
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,920
Speaker 1: they are very much often attracted to people who will

436
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960
Speaker 1: mirror that back to them. And even if you flip

437
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,000
Speaker 1: that around to the dismissive avoidant, dismissive avoidance end up

438
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,160
Speaker 1: in situations where they're like preoccupied with their own time

439
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,240
Speaker 1: to themselves. They're going, do I have enough time to

440
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 1: myself to regulate? Do I have enough space? And so

441
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,760
Speaker 1: what's really interesting is consciously they'll say, oh, I want

442
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 1: somebody who gets my freedom and respects it. But subconsciously

443
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,000
Speaker 1: they'll often go and invest in people who are very

444
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,200
Speaker 1: preoccupied with them. And so that's why you often pair

445
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,360
Speaker 1: up with people of different attachment cells, and that's often

446
00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:06,200
Speaker 1: why you see secure people will be with secure people.

447
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,080
Speaker 1: And so when it comes to dating, the most important thing,

448
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,159
Speaker 1: and I will say this forever and nobody likes to

449
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 1: hear of, but it's the truth, is that the most

450
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,280
Speaker 1: important thing you're ever going to do is learn to

451
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,760
Speaker 1: have a secure relationship with yourself first. And that's going

452
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,680
Speaker 1: to be through rewiring these insecure patterns. And I'm sure

453
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,520
Speaker 1: we can get into all the ways, how but rewiring

454
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,239
Speaker 1: those insecure patterns. Because you can say that you want

455
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,280
Speaker 1: the healthiest relationship, you can have your checklist, you can

456
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,320
Speaker 1: know your needs, you can try to ask all the

457
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:31,960
Speaker 1: right questions on the dates and go to the right

458
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,879
Speaker 1: places and find the right people. But ultimately you often

459
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,320
Speaker 1: will find that you're in relationships with people who might

460
00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:38,879
Speaker 1: have all those things on the checklist, and you're like,

461
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,720
Speaker 1: I just don't feel trafted to them. Oh this person,

462
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,479
Speaker 1: And I've heard this all the time. I actually used

463
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,160
Speaker 1: to do this when I was much younger, before doing

464
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,000
Speaker 1: the work. I had people who would date them or

465
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,960
Speaker 1: start to get to know them, and they were very secure,

466
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,359
Speaker 1: and I would be like, this is kind of boring.

467
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:51,520
Speaker 2: Like.

468
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,800
Speaker 1: Where's the roller coaster? Because that's what was most familiar,

469
00:20:56,119 --> 00:20:58,640
Speaker 1: And this is like a conversation about with thousands of people.

470
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,840
Speaker 1: At this point, we are not going to be attracted

471
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:04,080
Speaker 1: to the right people according to our conscious mind's evaluation

472
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,119
Speaker 1: of it until we do that in our work for

473
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,560
Speaker 1: us to heal to become secure to self, and then

474
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,359
Speaker 1: that will be attracted to and want to invest in

475
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:11,000
Speaker 1: with other people.

476
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,240
Speaker 2: That makes so much sense. It's why making the list

477
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,919
Speaker 2: of everything you want in your ideal person doesn't just

478
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 2: make sense because that's a conscious mind. Or this idea

479
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,040
Speaker 2: of oh, if you vision them and dream them and

480
00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 2: vision board them doesn't make sense because that's your conscious mind.

481
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,480
Speaker 2: And while everything meanwhile, everything's happening in your subconscious mind,

482
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,680
Speaker 2: which isn't ready, isn't prepared. Is rejecting someone that's actually

483
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,400
Speaker 2: good for you is boring and accepting someone who's terrible

484
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,639
Speaker 2: for you because it's familiar, and so the chaos and

485
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,000
Speaker 2: the ups and downs, and so that may it now

486
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:47,240
Speaker 2: makes sense listening to that why we're attracted to the

487
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:52,400
Speaker 2: people that make us feel insecure or people that are

488
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,159
Speaker 2: not emotionally available, because we've had that before, so we

489
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,680
Speaker 2: know what behaviors to play into, which is, I'll be hypervigilant,

490
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 2: if I'm a fearful avoidant, I'll be super distant. If

491
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 2: I'm one of you knows, it's fascinating to me that. Yeah,

492
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,920
Speaker 2: just listening to that just makes it make sense. And

493
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,359
Speaker 2: as you said, the advice you just gave is becoming

494
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,520
Speaker 2: secure in your relationship with yourself. You're not just saying, hey,

495
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,119
Speaker 2: you have to love yourself first, or you have to

496
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,800
Speaker 2: you're saying to actually, you can actually technically develop a

497
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:27,200
Speaker 2: subconscious relationship with yourself that is based on security and safety.

498
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,760
Speaker 1: Yes, so earlier when I was saying there was the

499
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 1: original attachment theory was like these are the attachment styles,

500
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,919
Speaker 1: but kind of just talked about their temperaments and some

501
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,600
Speaker 1: of the themes and their childhood and how they behave.

502
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:37,760
Speaker 1: I had already been doing this work with like the

503
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 1: core wounds and the needs and the nervous system frameworks

504
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,240
Speaker 1: with people and help people communicate and how they behave,

505
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,359
Speaker 1: and I was specifically in the body of work for

506
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,399
Speaker 1: the first few years I was working with people, just

507
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,119
Speaker 1: helping people like rewire their painful patterns and a lot

508
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,679
Speaker 1: of it was from their childhood conditioning. But I hadn't

509
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,400
Speaker 1: ever put it into the theme of like attachment styles.

510
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:58,760
Speaker 1: And then when I met my husband and we started

511
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,040
Speaker 1: getting more serious, and I was like, ooh, I still

512
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,920
Speaker 1: have a little like relationship work to do. I don't

513
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,680
Speaker 1: a lot of work to be really peaceful with him myself,

514
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,120
Speaker 1: but I had a little relationship work to do with him,

515
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:08,679
Speaker 1: and I kind of felt like he also had some

516
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,320
Speaker 1: work to do with me, and I revisited more about

517
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,280
Speaker 1: learning about relationships, and the first time I went back

518
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 1: to it was like, oh, attachment cells, and I was like, oh,

519
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 1: my goodness. Once I know somebody's attachments cell, Every attachment

520
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,360
Speaker 1: cell has these core wounds and these patterns with their

521
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,520
Speaker 1: needs and these patterns with their nervous system communication behaviors.

522
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:28,000
Speaker 1: And so what we ended up creating is this whole

523
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,159
Speaker 1: body of work that's you can actually rewire each of

524
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 1: those things at the subconscious level, because your subconscious mind

525
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:36,040
Speaker 1: is literally driving your life. And so it's like all

526
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,560
Speaker 1: of the condition that we've picked up from past experiences

527
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 1: in our own personal warehouse, how do we start to

528
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,159
Speaker 1: recondition and we really boil it into those five pillars.

529
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,080
Speaker 1: So the first pillar and this is like, I love

530
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:48,359
Speaker 1: that you said it's not just about self love, because

531
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,480
Speaker 1: sometimes I don't know. Sometimes you hear stuff and people

532
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,399
Speaker 1: say just forgive people, and you're like, that would be

533
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,240
Speaker 1: nice if I felt like that. How do I emotionally

534
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,240
Speaker 1: arrive there and how do I actually feel that deeply?

535
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:57,760
Speaker 1: And so a lot of the work is how do

536
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,920
Speaker 1: we actually get to our subconscious mind because that's how

537
00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:02,320
Speaker 1: things unfold this way, And same with self love. It's

538
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 1: a subconscious process because if you didn't get love mirror

539
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 1: too in healthy ways growing up, you're going to mirror

540
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,040
Speaker 1: that back in the relationship to yourself and as adult,

541
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,120
Speaker 1: and then you're going to be attracted to unhealthy forms

542
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,040
Speaker 1: of love as an adult with other people. So first

543
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,000
Speaker 1: pillar of really healing is to learn to rewire your

544
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,200
Speaker 1: core wounds, and we can go through a natural exercise here.

545
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 1: So first step, there's three steps in doing this. Let's

546
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 1: just say, for EA's sake, that the core wound is

547
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,639
Speaker 1: not good enough when we talked about each of them

548
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,879
Speaker 1: for the different attachment styles earlier, So people can kind

549
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,440
Speaker 1: of hold that core wound in their mind that stood

550
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,520
Speaker 1: out to them, and you ideally want to work on

551
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:36,560
Speaker 1: one at a time. So not good enough? What is

552
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: the opposite? I am good enough. That part's really easy.

553
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,400
Speaker 1: The second piece when it comes to actually rewiring these

554
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,679
Speaker 1: things is I'm not a big believer in affirmations. The

555
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,360
Speaker 1: reason being that affirmations are of the conscious mind. Your

556
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,159
Speaker 1: conscious mind speaks language. Okay, your subconscious mind does not

557
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:56,400
Speaker 1: speak language. It doesn't really understand language much at all.

558
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,480
Speaker 2: What does a subconscious mind speak?

559
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 1: It speaks in emotions and images. So if I say

560
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 1: to you, Okay, whatever you do, Jay, do not think

561
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,680
Speaker 1: of a pink elephant. Like you probably flash an image

562
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,959
Speaker 1: of a pink elephant even though you heard do not,

563
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,840
Speaker 1: your conscious mind herd do not. And then after you

564
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 1: flash the image and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have

565
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 1: thought of the elephant. That's because our subconscious also reacts

566
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,840
Speaker 1: a little bit more quickly than our conscious mind in

567
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,880
Speaker 1: many ways. So we have to actually use our conscious

568
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,480
Speaker 1: mind to rewire our subconscious mind, because we can do that,

569
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: but we actually our conscious mind cannot outwill or overpower

570
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 1: our subconscious mind, can only rewire it. Part of why

571
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,320
Speaker 1: you hear people be like, oh, I said I was

572
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:33,199
Speaker 1: going to quit eating chocolate for my New Year's resolution,

573
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 1: and then they go back to eating chocolate three days later.

574
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 1: Because the last things are built into your subconscious we

575
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 1: really have a hard time changing behaviors. So first step,

576
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,280
Speaker 1: I am not good enough. I am good enough, the

577
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,399
Speaker 1: opposite of your core wound. I'll be abandoned, I'm worthy

578
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,119
Speaker 1: of connection, I'll be unloved, I'm lovable. Right, so we

579
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 1: pick the opposite step two because we need repetition of

580
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:55,360
Speaker 1: emotions and imagery because repetition fires and wires in neural pathways,

581
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,159
Speaker 1: emotions and images do it at the subconscious level. So

582
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,440
Speaker 1: you're like, how do we find emotions and images? Well, interestingly,

583
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 1: every memory we ever have is a container of emotions

584
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 1: and imagery.

585
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:07,119
Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely.

586
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,920
Speaker 1: So if you say, okay, what was your favorite childhood

587
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 1: memory and you were playing at the beach or the ocean,

588
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,920
Speaker 1: and you see the reds bucket and you see the

589
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 1: waves and your family's faces, like you see the images,

590
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,160
Speaker 1: and we've all seen when people have an exciting experience

591
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 1: or a happy memory, they smile or they laugh or

592
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 1: their body language changes. And so what we do is

593
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,600
Speaker 1: we're going to come up with ten memories to support

594
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,439
Speaker 1: the new idea that we're trying to drive to the

595
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,920
Speaker 1: subconscious mind. So, for example, I am good enough ten

596
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 1: times I actually felt good enough. And they do not

597
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,679
Speaker 1: have to be big. It can be things like I

598
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 1: was a good friend last week, I had our conversation

599
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: with my spouse two weeks ago, whatever it is. It

600
00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 1: can be small things. But we need to just elictit

601
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: a little bit of emotion, that imagery of the memory,

602
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:51,080
Speaker 1: and we need ten of them. Step three, we record

603
00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: ourselves sing out loud, so ideally we write them down.

604
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,720
Speaker 1: We record ourselves singing into our phone, and then our

605
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,879
Speaker 1: subconscious mind actually sponges up a lot of information more

606
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 1: effectively when we are in a suggestible state, meaning our

607
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 1: brain is producing more alpha brain waves. And so what

608
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,040
Speaker 1: we get people to do is to sit down. They

609
00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:10,000
Speaker 1: record themselves saying this out loud. It takes two minutes

610
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,719
Speaker 1: to listen back, and your brain produces a lot more

611
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,720
Speaker 1: alpha brain waves. After a good meditation, the first hour

612
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,240
Speaker 1: that you wake up, before drinking coffee, the last hour

613
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,280
Speaker 1: before you go to sleep, after intense exercise, breath work,

614
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,760
Speaker 1: these types of things, you're in more alpha brain wave mode,

615
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,159
Speaker 1: when your mind is more relaxed, more still. And then

616
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,119
Speaker 1: what we're doing is we're listening back to those things

617
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 1: during that time, the voice in your own voice exactly

618
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,080
Speaker 1: saying it out loud. You're listening back and you're very

619
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 1: much focusing on the images and the emotion as you

620
00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:41,680
Speaker 1: feel back in that suggestible state. A neuroscience search tells

621
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:44,119
Speaker 1: us if we are in a suggestible state, Doing that

622
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,719
Speaker 1: for twenty one days builds new neural networks that are

623
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 1: very strong that they are highly likely to stet And

624
00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 1: what's really interesting is we surveyed people who did this.

625
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:56,000
Speaker 1: We're like, okay, let's actually track how people are doing this.

626
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 1: People said they stuck to it every day for twenty

627
00:27:57,880 --> 00:27:59,840
Speaker 1: one days. We had like tens of sixty thousand people

628
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,879
Speaker 1: who we did the survey on. People said they did

629
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,119
Speaker 1: not miss a day for twenty one days. Reported a

630
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: ninety nine point seven percent score in actually rewiring the wounds.

631
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:12,200
Speaker 1: So it's highly effective, it's very simple, and it's something

632
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 1: like anybody can do right now. And if you really

633
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:17,480
Speaker 1: look like those wounds, those are the things that recavoc

634
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:19,880
Speaker 1: on people's lives in relationships. Those are the really painful

635
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,360
Speaker 1: things that Those are a relationship baggage that we're really carrying,

636
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 1: and those are why we keep choosing the wrong scenarios

637
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 1: over and over again or that same unavailable partner. So

638
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,080
Speaker 1: really simple starter tool for rewire and that's when I

639
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,360
Speaker 1: like to share it to begin with. And it's something

640
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:33,920
Speaker 1: people can just do at home from listening.

641
00:28:34,119 --> 00:28:36,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, and this is something you help people do in

642
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,960
Speaker 2: your school, right this. Yeah, so this is the transition

643
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 2: that you're helping people build these skills and abilities exactly.

644
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 1: So we really focus on. We do these ninety day

645
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: programs that help people go through these five pillars and

646
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 1: rewire each of these pillars at the subconscious level. That's

647
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:51,480
Speaker 1: just the first pillar of core wounds. And I'm happy

648
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: to go through like each of the pillars and share

649
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,080
Speaker 1: about them. But that's a really good exercise we start

650
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:57,400
Speaker 1: people off because it's high effective, it's super simple. There's

651
00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,320
Speaker 1: other cool tools that you can use as well, but

652
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 1: it's a really good and to start. As people went

653
00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:05,600
Speaker 1: through our programs, people reported a two hundred percent increase

654
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: in relationship satisfaction, feeling more connected, more happy, more fulfilled,

655
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:12,280
Speaker 1: fifty percent less conflict because people were more regulated and

656
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 1: have all these triggers coming up, and obviously less fighting

657
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,360
Speaker 1: as a result, feeling more connected from that perspective. And

658
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: then people who are out of a relationship doing this

659
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:23,000
Speaker 1: work on themselves and just preparing to go into dating

660
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 1: reported three hundred percent more confidence in their dating life

661
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 1: because they felt like they knew what they wanted, but

662
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: also they weren't always triggered going into dating and panicking

663
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:33,840
Speaker 1: and having all these things come up, which is really

664
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 1: important if you're going into relationships that way.

665
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I assume that unless you've done this work,

666
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 2: even what you want may not be right or good

667
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,240
Speaker 2: for you, even consciously or subconsciously right.

668
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,360
Speaker 1: To be honest, like, I don't like to fear monger

669
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,440
Speaker 1: people from saying it, but I've just seen a lot

670
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 1: of people over the years who they know you build

671
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,560
Speaker 1: a relationship from insecure attachment first, and you go in

672
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:58,520
Speaker 1: and you're in this power struggle stage of your relationship

673
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: and you're fighting and you're going back and forth. It's

674
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:03,840
Speaker 1: really difficult, and then people end up sometimes doing the

675
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:06,160
Speaker 1: healing work and being like, my partner's not willing to

676
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,840
Speaker 1: do any work with me, or communicate differently or do anything,

677
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 1: and like, maybe I'm in the wrong relationship. So there

678
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:12,680
Speaker 1: is a risk if you're not with the right person

679
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:15,960
Speaker 1: to do that. Now, sometimes people do the work in relationships,

680
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,040
Speaker 1: and that's beautiful and it's a really powerful potent place

681
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 1: to be doing the work. But I always tell people too, like,

682
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:23,800
Speaker 1: if that's the case, each person in a relationship is

683
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 1: one hundred percent responsible for their fifty percent of their relationship,

684
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 1: so it can't be one person doing all the emotional

685
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,840
Speaker 1: load for both people, and work looks different for different people.

686
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 1: It's not always both people sitting down doing the reprogramming

687
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,280
Speaker 1: and doing the work in that way, but one person

688
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,320
Speaker 1: has to be willing to practice hashing out conflicts learning.

689
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 1: You know, if one person's following or communication frameworks, the

690
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 1: other person has to be willing to listen and jump

691
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: in and move through conflict that way, because otherwise we

692
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 1: don't really get resolution.

693
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 2: If you could summarize for us the second to the

694
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,840
Speaker 2: fifth so that we have a process of what it

695
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,120
Speaker 2: looks like to build that relationship with ourselves, because as

696
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 2: you're saying, that's the most important stying point, and I'm

697
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,200
Speaker 2: thinking for all of our audience, before we get into

698
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,800
Speaker 2: certain relationship dynamics, it might be useful for them to

699
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 2: have one step by step process.

700
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:28,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, so the first wound, the first pillar is rewiring

701
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 1: your court wounds. That gives people so much relief, and honestly,

702
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 1: just as somebody who's done a lot of this work

703
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 1: on myself, first, I was my own first guinea pig,

704
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: you know, fourteen fifteen years ago before really getting into

705
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 1: working with people. The biggest change I noticed is that

706
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 1: I used to always be in this like internal emotional drama,

707
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 1: like this person is going to abandon me, this person

708
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 1: is going to can I really trust? Is this person

709
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: trying to control me? Like all of these my mind

710
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,920
Speaker 1: was so busy, and when I really did a lot

711
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 1: of this rewiring out of all those painful patterns, it

712
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 1: felt I had so much space back in my mind,

713
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 1: Like I had space to think of how I wanted

714
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,720
Speaker 1: to design my life and create things, and just like

715
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,880
Speaker 1: room to be present in things. And that was just

716
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 1: such a beautiful piece. So that's pillar number one, pillar

717
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:14,440
Speaker 1: number two. As people have to learn their own needs

718
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 1: and how to meet them in the relationship to themselves.

719
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:20,360
Speaker 1: We'll get into how to communicate them after, but in

720
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,880
Speaker 1: the relationship to self first. And the reason for this

721
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,040
Speaker 1: is it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes

722
00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 1: from gaber Matte, and he says, trauma are the things

723
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,760
Speaker 1: that happened that shouldn't have happened. That's the obvious, like

724
00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:35,160
Speaker 1: the abuse things like that in childhood. But trauma's also

725
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,800
Speaker 1: the things that happened or that sorry, that didn't happen,

726
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:41,680
Speaker 1: that should have happened. And that's like the neglect, you know,

727
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,920
Speaker 1: or that's it. Maybe you didn't feel safe as a child,

728
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,440
Speaker 1: or scene or protected or you didn't feel like your

729
00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:48,960
Speaker 1: parents were present enough with you growing up. So that's

730
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,400
Speaker 1: also trauma because in a perfect world, we actually would

731
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 1: have had our needs met in a healthy and consistent

732
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 1: way where we felt like we could really rely on people.

733
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 1: And so that's our second pillar is I get people

734
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 1: to go in and audit what are your biggest unmet

735
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:03,800
Speaker 1: needs from childhood, and you'll see people. For some people,

736
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,440
Speaker 1: it's like I didn't feel like my parents were present

737
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 1: enough with me, or I didn't feel protected, or I

738
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:10,040
Speaker 1: didn't feel like I had that ability to really learn

739
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: from a parent or be deeply seen or known or

740
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:15,760
Speaker 1: attuned to. I mean, there's a lot of needs in there,

741
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: but we give a big list of needs and it's

742
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,080
Speaker 1: okay if these are your deepest on met needs. What's

743
00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 1: really interesting is we internalize all of that condition and

744
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 1: so whatever we didn't get met, we're often not meeting.

745
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:28,400
Speaker 1: In the relationship to self. If somebody wasn't present enough

746
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,920
Speaker 1: with you growing up, that's actually a huge part of healing.

747
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 1: It's okay, well, I'm probably not very present with myself.

748
00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: Or if people said I really need validation, I didn't

749
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:40,320
Speaker 1: feel validated growing up. Unfortunately, usually you're playing up that programming,

750
00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 1: and you're the one struggling to validate yourself the most,

751
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,239
Speaker 1: and you're sort of validating everybody else before you. And

752
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:48,360
Speaker 1: so what's really beautiful is it's deeply healing for people

753
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 1: to go in audit where they're missing these deep needs

754
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 1: and then for twenty one days, through that repetition and

755
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,280
Speaker 1: emotion to really fire and wire those nural networks. We

756
00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: get people to go through here my deepest on met

757
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 1: needs and actual actions and practices to meet them within

758
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,640
Speaker 1: relationship to self. And once we do for twenty one days,

759
00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,120
Speaker 1: very repeatedly, and it elstits this emotional impact and we're

760
00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,680
Speaker 1: doing it physiologically, so we have that like imagery that

761
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,800
Speaker 1: we're reaching our subconscious mind. That becomes our new baseline,

762
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:15,360
Speaker 1: it becomes our new step point, and we just become

763
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:18,640
Speaker 1: good at doing those things. And as an example, as

764
00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:20,640
Speaker 1: somebody who did all this work on myself first fourteen

765
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:23,480
Speaker 1: years ago, fifteen years ago, one of the biggest things

766
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:27,439
Speaker 1: I really wanted was emotional depth, Like I always cared

767
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,600
Speaker 1: about that with other people and liking to go deep

768
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:32,160
Speaker 1: into things. And I realized, oh my gosh, I'm trying

769
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,719
Speaker 1: to and we always do this. We try to resource

770
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,640
Speaker 1: from other people the most, the things we struggle to

771
00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:37,280
Speaker 1: self source.

772
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, well said yeah.

773
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: We try to resource the most from other people the

774
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,760
Speaker 1: things that we struggle to self source the most with itself.

775
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:46,360
Speaker 1: And so what ends up taking place is that we

776
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,759
Speaker 1: also put all that pressure on those relationships, you know,

777
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,280
Speaker 1: anxious attachmentselves for example, they really struggle to self soothe,

778
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,920
Speaker 1: so they're like, my partner always needs to be available

779
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 1: to soothe me, or fearful avoidance end up being like,

780
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,439
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can trust people. I feel

781
00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 1: like they're going to betray me. So that person better, oh,

782
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 1: always be one hundred percent congruent, they better never tell

783
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,359
Speaker 1: a white behind nothing, or or you know, I might

784
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,120
Speaker 1: have to leave the relationship, or dismissile avoidance. They end

785
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,399
Speaker 1: up in situations where they're going, Okay, well I don't

786
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:13,359
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know that people understand me, and

787
00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:15,359
Speaker 1: you know, I really need them to understand me without

788
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:18,360
Speaker 1: me having to communicate, because they really struggle to communicate vulnerablely.

789
00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:22,120
Speaker 1: So we all accidentally pressure our external relationships because we

790
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 1: don't how to self source, and so self sourcing is

791
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:28,160
Speaker 1: obviously profoundly healing for our relationships in life, but also

792
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,840
Speaker 1: it's profoundly healing in the relationship to self.

793
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:33,839
Speaker 2: First, where does self sourcing come from? When you've never

794
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:36,360
Speaker 2: had it and never felt it? Like I think people

795
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 2: struggle to like, where do you find it? Because I'll

796
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,320
Speaker 2: often talk to my friends about this idea of self validation,

797
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:47,200
Speaker 2: and I'll talk about how self validation is the most

798
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,799
Speaker 2: powerful form of validation I've ever given myself, more than

799
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,239
Speaker 2: any form of external validation. But often something they come

800
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:57,239
Speaker 2: up against is like where do you even find that?

801
00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:59,600
Speaker 2: Where do you discover that? Because if no one's ever

802
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 2: valid if you've never experienced it, where does it appear from?

803
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 1: Okay, so really beautiful question. So is the analogy I

804
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,239
Speaker 1: give to people all the time for this. It's not

805
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 1: the prettiest analogy, but it's the cold hard troup. If

806
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:15,480
Speaker 1: you remember the first time I were started to drive

807
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,279
Speaker 1: a car. I remember the first time I tried to

808
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:18,759
Speaker 1: drive a car. Was so sided to drive a car,

809
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:20,960
Speaker 1: and then I got in the highway and I was like,

810
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,759
Speaker 1: oh my god, keep the wheel turt you know, keep

811
00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:25,479
Speaker 1: between the lines, and look in your re your mirror

812
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: and your side mirrors, and put your signal and oh,

813
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:28,960
Speaker 1: like I just felt like, oh my gosh, it's very

814
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,560
Speaker 1: mechanical to learn to drive a car, and then you

815
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 1: do it for a while, and then you end up

816
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:35,560
Speaker 1: in a situation where you're, you know, a year later

817
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:37,839
Speaker 1: or in a pretty short time later, you know, thirty

818
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:40,239
Speaker 1: days later, you're listening to a podcast while you're driving,

819
00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:42,479
Speaker 1: or listening to your favorite radio station, or putting on music,

820
00:36:42,560 --> 00:36:44,440
Speaker 1: or talking on the phone to your front whatever it

821
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:48,120
Speaker 1: might be. And it's because what we're actually doing is

822
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 1: doing something that it first feels mechanical. We're giving to

823
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: ourselves what we didn't get, and over time, through repetition

824
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 1: and emotion, it actually seeps into our subconscious mind and

825
00:36:56,239 --> 00:36:58,520
Speaker 1: that's when it feels normal and natural. So what we

826
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:00,440
Speaker 1: get people to do is we actually have a list

827
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:04,319
Speaker 1: of every major need that people reported over collecting all

828
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:05,880
Speaker 1: the data, and then we have people we have like

829
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,520
Speaker 1: three or four, Hey, you can do these three or

830
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,560
Speaker 1: four things that are usually the healthiest, most direct ways

831
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 1: of getting those needs met, and then we get them

832
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,120
Speaker 1: to actively practice it across that twenty one day. So,

833
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,640
Speaker 1: for example, self validation is usually things like it can

834
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:18,359
Speaker 1: be as small as just writing out three of your

835
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 1: wins each day and just taking the time to really

836
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:22,160
Speaker 1: pause and be like, hey, I did this today. I'm

837
00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:23,839
Speaker 1: proud of these things today. Big or small. It can

838
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:25,600
Speaker 1: be like I made it to work early, it can

839
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:28,880
Speaker 1: be anything, but just having that ability to start training

840
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,880
Speaker 1: your subconscious mind to practice recognizing those things in your life.

841
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,319
Speaker 1: And of course there's a slightly different one for each need,

842
00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:37,279
Speaker 1: but when people start giving those needs to themselves. This

843
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 1: sounds very cliche, but I really believe that if we

844
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:44,160
Speaker 1: had attachment wounds growing up, healing really happens when we

845
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 1: become our own parents, and instead of trying to externalize

846
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:48,880
Speaker 1: our parents should have done it for us. Are perfectly

847
00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,319
Speaker 1: like our parents are human beings too, and so when

848
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,400
Speaker 1: we give to ourselves what we felt like we couldn't

849
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,360
Speaker 1: access through them, and we do it through that repetition,

850
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:57,279
Speaker 1: that's that second big pillar.

851
00:37:57,280 --> 00:37:59,799
Speaker 2: Understood, got it very clear? You know, I'm glad that

852
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:03,000
Speaker 2: you you clarify that piece about validation, and I assume

853
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:06,239
Speaker 2: what I'm hearing from you is it is practice. It

854
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 2: is going to feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but

855
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:13,759
Speaker 2: there isn't another magic pill there or any piece of

856
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 2: advice that solves it. It's like we're going to have

857
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:20,320
Speaker 2: to build that muscle over time of learning to validate ourselves,

858
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:22,280
Speaker 2: which we just haven't developed exactly.

859
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:23,800
Speaker 1: Oh, just the last things that you can look in

860
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 1: the seven areas of life. For if some people are

861
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:27,760
Speaker 1: just really stuck, they sit at the sheet and they're like, okay,

862
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:33,240
Speaker 1: three wins, I have no idea. You can look through career, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual,

863
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:37,480
Speaker 1: physical relationships. You can break relationships down into friends, family, romantic,

864
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:39,920
Speaker 1: and sometimes that helps, Like those prompts can get wheels turning,

865
00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,960
Speaker 1: and it starts as something that you're sitting there doing,

866
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:45,560
Speaker 1: but it becomes something and they usually buys some day

867
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,120
Speaker 1: seven or so people are like, oh yeah, this is this.

868
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:50,040
Speaker 1: Oh three, like that took me two seconds. Oh. And

869
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,200
Speaker 1: then what's really beautiful is we have this mechanism in

870
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,680
Speaker 1: our brain called the reticular activating system, and it's our

871
00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:57,719
Speaker 1: filtering system of information. People always talk about this in

872
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 1: the personal for oh, if you see a car and

873
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:01,400
Speaker 1: you're trying to buy a white jeep, you're going to

874
00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:03,680
Speaker 1: see a whitejeep everywhere. It is. It's your filtering system

875
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:06,600
Speaker 1: in that way. But it also filters information according to

876
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,839
Speaker 1: what we already believe, and so you know, if your

877
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 1: core beliefs are working against you, then that becomes problematic.

878
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: But if you rewire them in pillar one, that helps

879
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:18,359
Speaker 1: a lot. But also, according to the information you're really

880
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:21,719
Speaker 1: giving and taking in repeatedly, you start noticing more and more.

881
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,759
Speaker 1: It sort of opens up that filtering system to notice

882
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:25,960
Speaker 1: those things. So what's really beautiful is when people start

883
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 1: doing that work, they often end up in a situation

884
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:31,279
Speaker 1: where they're going, oh, yeah, I did have this one. Oh,

885
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:32,959
Speaker 1: and they notice it in real time throughout the day

886
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 1: and they feel it, and so it really gives that

887
00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 1: ability to start noticing that in a more natural way

888
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:38,520
Speaker 1: across time.

889
00:39:38,719 --> 00:39:39,359
Speaker 2: Absolutely.

890
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:43,200
Speaker 1: And step three, so third pillar is nervous system work.

891
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:47,399
Speaker 1: So we always hear things like people are in sympathetic mode,

892
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:50,400
Speaker 1: you know, fight flight, freezer, fawn mode, or pair sympathetic mode.

893
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 1: It's actually particularly relevant to attachment styles because all three

894
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:57,359
Speaker 1: insecure attachment styles spend far too much time in fight

895
00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:01,520
Speaker 1: or flight. Interesting, yes, because if you grow up an

896
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:04,279
Speaker 1: environment where you don't feel fully safe because your needs

897
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:06,160
Speaker 1: are not met consistently enough and a few have more

898
00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:09,279
Speaker 1: bears in the woods aka core wounds or triggers. Then

899
00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:11,000
Speaker 1: you spend more time on high alert in various ways.

900
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: So anxious attachment cells are very alert about when people

901
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: are going to abandon them. Dismissed avoids are very much

902
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 1: on high larder. But are they going to feel rejected

903
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:20,040
Speaker 1: and seem like they're defective or shamed? And they do.

904
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,000
Speaker 1: They need to create space and not to you know,

905
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:25,400
Speaker 1: not be a burden to anybody. And fearful avoidance are hypervidual.

906
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 1: It's about everything about all of the above, and so

907
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:30,680
Speaker 1: you know what ends up happening is your nervous systems

908
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,880
Speaker 1: in overdrive. And a big part of healing is learning

909
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:37,120
Speaker 1: to get back into your body. I've actually found deeply

910
00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:39,440
Speaker 1: that each of the three insecure attachment cells struggles at

911
00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:42,120
Speaker 1: the beginning to identify their emotions in real time, which

912
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:44,680
Speaker 1: is a form of dissociation. Like people often think of

913
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:47,880
Speaker 1: dissociation as being this really traumatic, catatonic thing, but it's not.

914
00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,759
Speaker 1: People can spend a lot of time in mild dissociation.

915
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:53,560
Speaker 1: So we do a couple of things. We take people

916
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,920
Speaker 1: through a process of retraining their nervous systems to do

917
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: things like completion cycle work and a lot of that

918
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:03,000
Speaker 1: sort of polybig theory work to actually practice getting into

919
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:06,239
Speaker 1: parisympathetic nervous system over time, so it becomes your new baseline.

920
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:10,160
Speaker 1: But we also one of my favorite practices, and I

921
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:11,960
Speaker 1: was saying this to you before we record it, is

922
00:41:12,680 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: when I started really diving deep into a lot of

923
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:18,439
Speaker 1: this work. I did thirteen different certifications in everything from

924
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,600
Speaker 1: like CB to cogitive behavioral therapy to neurolinguistic programming and

925
00:41:21,680 --> 00:41:23,800
Speaker 1: hypnosis and just all this stuff. But I was actually

926
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:27,600
Speaker 1: like really rooted in a lot of studying all different religions.

927
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:30,080
Speaker 1: Like I was really obsessed with spirituality and on sort

928
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 1: of a spiritual journey, and I've always loved where those

929
00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:36,399
Speaker 1: two things intersect. And I remember actually reading years ago

930
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:39,320
Speaker 1: one of Eckert Toli's books, and it was all about

931
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,440
Speaker 1: the pain body. And at the time, I was reading

932
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,040
Speaker 1: these case studies on these individuals and they go into

933
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: the researchers were taking individuals and putting them in fMRI scanners,

934
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:51,440
Speaker 1: and they were getting them in these fMRI scanners to

935
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:57,239
Speaker 1: recall triggering experiences where they felt upset, and then they

936
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,759
Speaker 1: were watching their brain activity. And what they found is

937
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 1: that participants' brain activity when they would feel triggered would

938
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 1: drain out of the neocortex regions like the prefrontal cortex

939
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:09,440
Speaker 1: region of the brain and into their reptilian brain, and

940
00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:11,480
Speaker 1: all this activity would come there. And we've all seen

941
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,960
Speaker 1: people in their triggered they become kind of the like reptilian,

942
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:17,320
Speaker 1: animalistic version of themselves. And so all of a sudden,

943
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,520
Speaker 1: people would be sitting there in this sort of panicked state,

944
00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:24,839
Speaker 1: and what they would find is that people would start

945
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:27,359
Speaker 1: being dysregulated like they would be in sympathetic nervous system

946
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:29,360
Speaker 1: fight or flight. They would see their heart rate increase,

947
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:31,640
Speaker 1: their their you know, hair in the back of their

948
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: neck often stand up. And then what they had participants

949
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:40,480
Speaker 1: do is they had them practice just witnessing their emotions

950
00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:43,680
Speaker 1: and their body and labeling the sensations, which is a

951
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:46,840
Speaker 1: form of somatic processing. And they had them say, okay,

952
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:48,799
Speaker 1: you know, in this experience, instead of being so stuck

953
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,040
Speaker 1: in the story in their mind, they had them go, oh,

954
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:54,799
Speaker 1: I feel you know, anger, and anger feels like heat

955
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:57,240
Speaker 1: across my chest and down my arms. Or I feel

956
00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,759
Speaker 1: anxiety and that feels like butterflies in my stomach and

957
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:02,080
Speaker 1: a ball in my throat and a clenching in my job,

958
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:05,279
Speaker 1: and when they actually had people go through this, they

959
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:08,120
Speaker 1: found that all this brain activity came back online in

960
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,520
Speaker 1: the neocortex regions of the brain. And it was so

961
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 1: interesting because that Kert totally has to sing, oh the

962
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:14,520
Speaker 1: pain body, witness your emotion or you know, being witnessing

963
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 1: consciousness consciousness, And it's so beautiful to see people practice

964
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:22,120
Speaker 1: that because in real time, when they are triggered before,

965
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,600
Speaker 1: they're doing a lot of wound rewiring and meeting their needs.

966
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,239
Speaker 1: A really powerful practice is to do that form of

967
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 1: somatic processing work, which is, yes, do things to train

968
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:32,759
Speaker 1: your nervousystem through breath work or meditation daily. All of

969
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:35,200
Speaker 1: those things are amazing, but in those moments throughout the

970
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: day where you feel those emotions arise, practicing witnessing the sensations,

971
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,560
Speaker 1: being with the sensations, noticing what those sensations feel like

972
00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:44,759
Speaker 1: in your body, it actually takes the emotional charge down

973
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:47,720
Speaker 1: quite strongly, and it gives people the opportunity to feel

974
00:43:47,719 --> 00:43:50,960
Speaker 1: reregulated and back to more of their conscious mindself again.

975
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 1: And so, you know, we get people to practice that

976
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,800
Speaker 1: on a regular basis, and it's powerful for emotional regulation.

977
00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:58,600
Speaker 1: But my favorite part of it is that it gives

978
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: you the gift of self attunement because rather than being

979
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,520
Speaker 1: in a position where we feel emotion, let's like hide

980
00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:08,200
Speaker 1: it through scrolling on social media or turning on the TV,

981
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:11,000
Speaker 1: or drinking a beer or whatever it might be. It's

982
00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:14,279
Speaker 1: actually the practice of learning, in hard moments to come

983
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,080
Speaker 1: back and return to being fully present with it oneself.

984
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, I mean, just listening to you say that,

985
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 2: it's almost like we're getting to a place not only

986
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:28,239
Speaker 2: of self security or self soothing, its self regulation. And

987
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,799
Speaker 2: we're gaining the ability to not expect our partner to

988
00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:35,040
Speaker 2: regulate our emotions, regulate our nervous system, which is contagious,

989
00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:38,000
Speaker 2: and we are going to you know, blend and bond

990
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:40,560
Speaker 2: and energy. But I feel so many of us our

991
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:44,000
Speaker 2: nervous system is completely dependent on everyone else around us,

992
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:46,319
Speaker 2: and therefore we can feel really good when we're with someone,

993
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:48,560
Speaker 2: feel really bad when with someone else, and we have

994
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:52,120
Speaker 2: no control anymore. So today's tell us about pillar four.

995
00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: So pellar four. So you actually said this the moment ago,

996
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,959
Speaker 1: and I thought this was you were like on the money,

997
00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:00,120
Speaker 1: you knew it was coming. So you mentioned regulation. So

998
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:03,840
Speaker 1: people are regulating through other people, and what I actually

999
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:06,080
Speaker 1: found over and over again for people is that people

1000
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:09,080
Speaker 1: can't coregulate very effectively in relationships if they have no

1001
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,279
Speaker 1: ability to self regulate on their own, because it goes

1002
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:13,400
Speaker 1: back to that kind of concept where they overpressure the

1003
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: person to kind of do it for them. And that

1004
00:45:15,520 --> 00:45:18,279
Speaker 1: may work in specific cases for periods of time, like oh,

1005
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:19,759
Speaker 1: you have a friend there and they really help you

1006
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:21,920
Speaker 1: and they make you feel better. But like, let's take

1007
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,720
Speaker 1: an anxious attachment sel somebody who's very anxiously attached, for example,

1008
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,120
Speaker 1: they would usually end up in these themes or patterns

1009
00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:29,640
Speaker 1: over time where they would always be relying on their

1010
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,320
Speaker 1: friends to do that. And then eventually their friends say, well,

1011
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:33,839
Speaker 1: they always come to me for stuff. But then they

1012
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,319
Speaker 1: don't change their patterns or behaviors, and then the friends

1013
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:38,879
Speaker 1: are it kind of drifting back or pulling away or

1014
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:41,760
Speaker 1: not being as present, and then the anxious person gets

1015
00:45:41,760 --> 00:45:44,800
Speaker 1: frustrated or stressed, and then the other friend is becoming

1016
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:47,480
Speaker 1: more resentful. And it just what may work in the

1017
00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:49,720
Speaker 1: short term isn't really working in the long term unless

1018
00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:53,800
Speaker 1: we learn to self regulate. So in those five pillars,

1019
00:45:54,040 --> 00:45:56,279
Speaker 1: the first three are all about self. They're all about

1020
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:59,360
Speaker 1: how do I heal my own internal conditioning, rewire the wounds,

1021
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:01,799
Speaker 1: meet my owneede needs, regulate my own nervous system. The

1022
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:05,440
Speaker 1: next two are actually about regulating with so with people together.

1023
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:08,640
Speaker 1: So the next two pillars are about communication and boundaries.

1024
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,680
Speaker 1: So what we do for the communication pillar number four

1025
00:46:12,360 --> 00:46:14,280
Speaker 1: is now that we know our needs, we can communicate

1026
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,439
Speaker 1: about them. And what often happens is people go through

1027
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:19,160
Speaker 1: life and they don't even know what they need in

1028
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:22,040
Speaker 1: a relationship, and then we're left saying things like, oh,

1029
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 1: you hurt me and you did this. And I've seen

1030
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,799
Speaker 1: this all the time with communication, even if people are

1031
00:46:26,840 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 1: so well meaning when they say hey, even though they're

1032
00:46:28,680 --> 00:46:31,000
Speaker 1: trying to be vulnerable and they're saying, hey, you hurt

1033
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:34,920
Speaker 1: me last week when XYZ happened, the other partners like, Okay,

1034
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:37,120
Speaker 1: I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know

1035
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:38,120
Speaker 1: how to solve for it.

1036
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:39,759
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And unless.

1037
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: We're actually empowered to know what we need, then we

1038
00:46:42,160 --> 00:46:45,520
Speaker 1: can't say those things properly. So the communication pillar is

1039
00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:48,040
Speaker 1: about us taking our learning and understanding of self. Now

1040
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:50,680
Speaker 1: we know our triggers, we know our needs. Now we

1041
00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:53,080
Speaker 1: are equipped to do the work with other people and

1042
00:46:53,120 --> 00:46:54,800
Speaker 1: so what I get people to do and it depends,

1043
00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:57,080
Speaker 1: like we have a couple of frameworks, but one is

1044
00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:59,399
Speaker 1: whenever we are in a conflict, like if that'suffre coming

1045
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: up for us, people feel very resolved in conflict when

1046
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: they do basically three things. Both parties have to communicate

1047
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:08,640
Speaker 1: what came up for them in the conflict and then

1048
00:47:08,719 --> 00:47:11,319
Speaker 1: validate each other's emotions. Step one, okay, so validate each

1049
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,200
Speaker 1: other's emotions. Step two, then we have to say what

1050
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:15,840
Speaker 1: we actually need. And step three we have to paint

1051
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,160
Speaker 1: a picture of what that looks like. Because I ran

1052
00:47:18,239 --> 00:47:20,880
Speaker 1: far too many times into situations with couples who I

1053
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:23,520
Speaker 1: remember working with a couple once years ago, and it

1054
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:25,759
Speaker 1: was a husband and a wife and they they had

1055
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:27,880
Speaker 1: this conversation, the wife that I need to feel more

1056
00:47:27,880 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 1: supported in this relationship. And I was like a year

1057
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:34,520
Speaker 1: into working with couples, and they seem to have a

1058
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:37,319
Speaker 1: really constructive conversation about it. And they left, and they

1059
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 1: came back the next week and literally before they sat

1060
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:42,359
Speaker 1: on the couch, like they didn't even finish sitting down,

1061
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:44,880
Speaker 1: and the wife said, my husband didn't even support me

1062
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:46,600
Speaker 1: this week. We talked about it and he didn't even try.

1063
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:50,160
Speaker 1: And the husband looked shocked and he was like, what

1064
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,440
Speaker 1: do you mean. I took up the trash, I did

1065
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:54,120
Speaker 1: the dishes, I tried to help it around the house.

1066
00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:57,239
Speaker 1: And she was like, oh, but support for me is

1067
00:47:57,280 --> 00:48:00,640
Speaker 1: somebody actually like giving me encouragement and we're of affirmation

1068
00:48:00,719 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 1: and telling me like they love me, they appreciate me,

1069
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:05,520
Speaker 1: noticing my hard work. That's support. And so we have

1070
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:07,319
Speaker 1: to paint the picture of what the need looks like

1071
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:09,680
Speaker 1: so it's clear. So for example, let's say two people

1072
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 1: are in a conflict, and let's say it's an anxious

1073
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,920
Speaker 1: and a dismissive avoidant, and the anxious person saying, hey, like,

1074
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:19,040
Speaker 1: you're not calling me enough. Often what happens when people

1075
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:21,440
Speaker 1: try to communicate is they do what we call negative framing.

1076
00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:23,600
Speaker 1: So you know, and I always say to people, behind

1077
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 1: every criticism is just a need, And we say you

1078
00:48:26,680 --> 00:48:28,279
Speaker 1: don't care about me, you didn't call me enough, you

1079
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,799
Speaker 1: didn't make an effort, and all that people here when

1080
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,279
Speaker 1: that happens is that you're criticizing them, and all people

1081
00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 1: are going to do a shutdown. Because as a child,

1082
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:38,520
Speaker 1: when you were criticized, what happened you then got punished,

1083
00:48:38,560 --> 00:48:40,680
Speaker 1: So now you're bracing for punishment, not trying to figure

1084
00:48:40,680 --> 00:48:43,239
Speaker 1: out and decide for what somebody's needs. So we would

1085
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:47,000
Speaker 1: get people to say, okay, let's free frame behind that

1086
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 1: actual experience. What is the need? Convert your criticism into

1087
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,040
Speaker 1: a need. And it's like, okay, well, if you said

1088
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 1: you didn't call me enough, obviously that the need is

1089
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:57,200
Speaker 1: for more consistency in calling or communication. Good paint the picture.

1090
00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,360
Speaker 1: What does that actually look like? Oh, that looks like

1091
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: a call every evening for fifteen minutes before bad or

1092
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:03,719
Speaker 1: once a week, whatever it is. We got to get

1093
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:06,360
Speaker 1: really specific because otherwise it gets lost in translation like

1094
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:08,480
Speaker 1: ninety percent of the time. So what we do is

1095
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 1: we get people to say, hey, this is what came

1096
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:11,960
Speaker 1: up for me. So for example, hey, I felt a

1097
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:14,640
Speaker 1: little bit hurt this week because I didn't hear from

1098
00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:17,359
Speaker 1: you as much as I hope to. And can we

1099
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:19,520
Speaker 1: do a call every evening before bad for fifteen minutes.

1100
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:22,000
Speaker 1: And when they're able to say that, now we actually

1101
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:25,000
Speaker 1: have constructive communication. And then we flip it back around

1102
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,440
Speaker 1: because if there was a conflict, usually there's two sides

1103
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,640
Speaker 1: and then maybe the person on the other side if

1104
00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:31,640
Speaker 1: it originally wasn't done. While they say, oh, like, if

1105
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:33,600
Speaker 1: somebody was a little bit critical, they might say, okay,

1106
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:35,439
Speaker 1: I hear your need. I can see why you felt

1107
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:37,719
Speaker 1: like that. So they validate the person's feelings and then

1108
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:40,040
Speaker 1: they turn around and they get to say okay, and

1109
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:42,840
Speaker 1: you know, for me, I'm a little sensitive if communication

1110
00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 1: is harsh or a little critical, And not that that

1111
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 1: example was harsh, but oftentimes that's how it starts. And

1112
00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:49,000
Speaker 1: so they might say, you know, can you just be

1113
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 1: a little bit more mindful with your delivery next time,

1114
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:53,400
Speaker 1: and then I'll be more mindful in terms of communicating

1115
00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:55,479
Speaker 1: and calling more consistently. I think we can make that work,

1116
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:58,480
Speaker 1: and that's how we really resolve. So each person expresses

1117
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:01,720
Speaker 1: their feeling and gets it validated, shares their need, paints

1118
00:50:01,719 --> 00:50:03,520
Speaker 1: a picture for what it looks like, and it's something

1119
00:50:03,560 --> 00:50:06,799
Speaker 1: you can actually train yourself to do naturally, and we

1120
00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:09,399
Speaker 1: get people to get into the mindset of feeling need,

1121
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:11,680
Speaker 1: feeling need, like, just know your feelings and needs and

1122
00:50:11,719 --> 00:50:13,400
Speaker 1: if it's top of mind, and if each person feels

1123
00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:15,319
Speaker 1: like they're able to communicate it that way, that's where

1124
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 1: we get real resolution. And then that's where we get

1125
00:50:17,239 --> 00:50:20,560
Speaker 1: actual breakthroughs. And I truly believe that doing the work

1126
00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:23,640
Speaker 1: to gather in a relationship to become secure, you have

1127
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:25,640
Speaker 1: to become good at having those conversations.

1128
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:28,960
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of people struggle to do

1129
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:32,440
Speaker 2: that for two reasons. One is when they're saying their need,

1130
00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:36,719
Speaker 2: their need is based on their attachment style, and if

1131
00:50:36,719 --> 00:50:39,480
Speaker 2: it's one of the anxious attachment styles, often their need

1132
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:43,280
Speaker 2: can feel like a burden to the other person because

1133
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:47,160
Speaker 2: it's such an intense demand where the other person just goes.

1134
00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:50,319
Speaker 2: And so a lot of people know that their need

1135
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:54,320
Speaker 2: is intense, therefore they won't verbalize it because they actually

1136
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:57,200
Speaker 2: think it will push the other person away. So if

1137
00:50:57,239 --> 00:50:59,520
Speaker 2: they don't say it, it brews up and then one

1138
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:02,799
Speaker 2: day it's up and you break up anyway, or they

1139
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:05,480
Speaker 2: say it it's a burden to the other person and

1140
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:07,880
Speaker 2: the other person goes, well, I can't do that, and

1141
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:11,359
Speaker 2: then they walk away. So how do we know our

1142
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:17,359
Speaker 2: need is valid or is realistic? And how do we

1143
00:51:17,440 --> 00:51:20,560
Speaker 2: know if our partner is even should be capable of

1144
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,160
Speaker 2: doing that need? Because I think a lot of people

1145
00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 2: will be like, well, my need is every day I

1146
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:27,600
Speaker 2: need someone to tell me I'm beautiful and amazing or

1147
00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:30,279
Speaker 2: every day I need you know, and it's like, well

1148
00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:33,040
Speaker 2: maybe someone else doesn't have the capacity to do that.

1149
00:51:33,239 --> 00:51:35,400
Speaker 1: Okay, So I love this question, and this is why

1150
00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:37,399
Speaker 1: we do ninety day frameworks for people. In the first

1151
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:40,640
Speaker 1: thirty days are rewiring your core wounds first, because then

1152
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:42,040
Speaker 1: you don't have these things that are causing a lot

1153
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 1: of that negative internal dialogue that will then overpressure you

1154
00:51:44,600 --> 00:51:47,200
Speaker 1: to source from somebody else. So if somebody feels not

1155
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:48,480
Speaker 1: good enough, they're going to be like, you better tell

1156
00:51:48,520 --> 00:51:50,279
Speaker 1: me I'm good enough all day every day. But if

1157
00:51:50,320 --> 00:51:52,439
Speaker 1: we learn to do the rewiring first is pillar number

1158
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:54,239
Speaker 1: one that makes sense. And then pillar number two is

1159
00:51:54,280 --> 00:51:56,239
Speaker 1: that we learn to self source because now we're feeling

1160
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,799
Speaker 1: our cup halfway. And what's really powerful. As soon as

1161
00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:00,880
Speaker 1: we start self sourcing, we we ingrain that in the

1162
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,240
Speaker 1: first thirty days, Well, now all of a sudden, there's

1163
00:52:03,239 --> 00:52:05,520
Speaker 1: not this crazy amount of pressure, and now it's really

1164
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:07,040
Speaker 1: clear to say this is what.

1165
00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 2: So by the time you get to this stage exactly,

1166
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:13,120
Speaker 2: quest is actually already more reasonable and thoughtful exactly. But

1167
00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:16,200
Speaker 2: the problem is if you jump to this stage too quick, yes,

1168
00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:18,680
Speaker 2: you could end up asking for something you should be

1169
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:21,800
Speaker 2: self sourcing exactly, and that that makes a lot of sense.

1170
00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's where it's really important. I love that

1171
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,680
Speaker 1: you ask that, because what ends up happening far too often,

1172
00:52:26,719 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 1: and this is a really crazy part of this is

1173
00:52:29,239 --> 00:52:31,520
Speaker 1: because our subconscious mind wants to maintain its comfort zone

1174
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:35,360
Speaker 1: because it equates familiarity to safety and survival. So frequently

1175
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:38,799
Speaker 1: people think that they want somebody to give them their

1176
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:41,360
Speaker 1: need and that's the solution. And let's take like typical

1177
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:43,759
Speaker 1: examples to somebody has they're anxiously attached. They believe they're

1178
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:45,960
Speaker 1: not good enough. So now just by that they have

1179
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:49,520
Speaker 1: more negative internal dialoguey're criticizing themselves, sort of magnifying their

1180
00:52:49,520 --> 00:52:52,479
Speaker 1: mistakes and minimizing their wins in their own natural set

1181
00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:56,040
Speaker 1: point of their conditioning. Then they are often not meeting

1182
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:58,160
Speaker 1: their own need to feel you know, gonna for validated

1183
00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:00,759
Speaker 1: or reassured. So now they have what we what I

1184
00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:02,360
Speaker 1: call like a hole in your bucket, like you're gonna

1185
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:06,920
Speaker 1: go And because the subponscious mind will only receive, well,

1186
00:53:07,040 --> 00:53:10,160
Speaker 1: what's familiar because it equates it to safety, then you

1187
00:53:10,200 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 1: go and you say, oh, hey, tell me I'm good enough,

1188
00:53:11,719 --> 00:53:14,040
Speaker 1: tell me all these things. But then it's like there's

1189
00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:15,399
Speaker 1: a hole in the bucket. It feels really good when

1190
00:53:15,400 --> 00:53:17,440
Speaker 1: that water is going into the bucket. You get that

1191
00:53:17,480 --> 00:53:19,440
Speaker 1: initial head of dope. Mean, oh my god, my partners

1192
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:21,759
Speaker 1: said I'm good enough, and then it just leaked right out.

1193
00:53:22,080 --> 00:53:24,440
Speaker 1: And then that's why you see anxious attachments alls needing

1194
00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:27,399
Speaker 1: so much of that because they first struggle with those

1195
00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 1: two pillars so profoundly. And that's where we get you know,

1196
00:53:30,600 --> 00:53:33,120
Speaker 1: confused in relationships because then we're like, you need to

1197
00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:34,680
Speaker 1: do this, you need to do that. Yeah, and then

1198
00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:36,840
Speaker 1: when it becomes unreasonable because it's coming from lack and

1199
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,760
Speaker 1: imbalance first, then it puts too much pressure on relationships

1200
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:40,759
Speaker 1: and becomes problematic.

1201
00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:44,279
Speaker 2: That completely makes sense now and I and I'm thinking

1202
00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:47,320
Speaker 2: about a lot of people that I know who sadly

1203
00:53:47,360 --> 00:53:49,560
Speaker 2: feel a lot of shame and guilt for their needs

1204
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:53,600
Speaker 2: from their attachment style. But without doing this work in

1205
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:57,920
Speaker 2: this order as the pillars being developed, you'll never actually

1206
00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:01,960
Speaker 2: request something in a healthy way that natural and you're

1207
00:54:02,000 --> 00:54:04,200
Speaker 2: scared it will push someone away because it probably will

1208
00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:07,759
Speaker 2: because it's coming from an anxious attachment style. Yeah, one

1209
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:10,239
Speaker 2: hundred percent taste. Please tell us about pillar five.

1210
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:13,520
Speaker 1: Okay, so the last pillar is learning healthy boundaries. So

1211
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:17,040
Speaker 1: healthy boundaries when people hear them, I think some people think,

1212
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:20,960
Speaker 1: especially more anxious attachment styles, think that boundaries mean a separation.

1213
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:24,840
Speaker 1: But truly every boundary is adjoining because a boundary is

1214
00:54:24,840 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 1: an authentic expression of your true yeses and your nose,

1215
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:29,560
Speaker 1: which is an authentic expression of you as a whole

1216
00:54:29,640 --> 00:54:32,040
Speaker 1: human being. And so you know, when we look at

1217
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 1: boundaries per attachment style, there's unique patterns. This is when

1218
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 1: I was like, whoa each attachment style that you have?

1219
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:40,080
Speaker 1: These thenes with boundaries, anxious attachment cells are kind of boundaryless,

1220
00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:43,400
Speaker 1: like if they're really anxiously attached, they struggle with boundaries altogether,

1221
00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:46,239
Speaker 1: and so they're going to end up people pleasing into oblivion.

1222
00:54:46,719 --> 00:54:48,640
Speaker 1: They get scared to set boundaries because they believe that

1223
00:54:48,680 --> 00:54:51,600
Speaker 1: boundaries are going to get them abandoned or disliked or rejected.

1224
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:53,120
Speaker 1: Part of also why we do the core wound work

1225
00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:56,120
Speaker 1: first in that order, And so they end up just

1226
00:54:56,200 --> 00:54:59,279
Speaker 1: struggling with boundaries at all, dismiss some avoidance they set

1227
00:54:59,280 --> 00:55:01,919
Speaker 1: too strong a bound They are scared to make compromises

1228
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:04,080
Speaker 1: because they equate that to vulnerability. And so they end

1229
00:55:04,160 --> 00:55:06,279
Speaker 1: up keeping distance and saying, you know, they're the types

1230
00:55:06,320 --> 00:55:08,239
Speaker 1: it instead of saying, hey, I've had a long week,

1231
00:55:08,239 --> 00:55:10,640
Speaker 1: it's Friday, I'm tired, instead of going out, can we

1232
00:55:10,680 --> 00:55:12,439
Speaker 1: just stay in and watch a movie? Instead of setting

1233
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:16,000
Speaker 1: small boundaries and requesting those needs within that framework, they'll

1234
00:55:16,040 --> 00:55:19,320
Speaker 1: instead go canceling, not coming over, sorry, not going to

1235
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:21,440
Speaker 1: be there. And it's because they have these huge boundaries

1236
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,680
Speaker 1: because they don't know how to corregulate and communicate in

1237
00:55:23,680 --> 00:55:26,239
Speaker 1: that way, and so then we have fearful avoidance and

1238
00:55:26,560 --> 00:55:28,400
Speaker 1: fear of the wounds are very interesting with their boundaries.

1239
00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:31,239
Speaker 1: I call it the fearful avoidant boundary cycle where they

1240
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:34,239
Speaker 1: are boundaryless at first because they start to people please.

1241
00:55:34,320 --> 00:55:37,520
Speaker 1: Usually then they get frustrated because they're very generous. They

1242
00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:40,839
Speaker 1: tend to overgive and kind of under receive, so they set,

1243
00:55:40,920 --> 00:55:43,319
Speaker 1: you know, no boundaries. They're super generous, and then they're

1244
00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:45,399
Speaker 1: you know, they eventually are like, oh, I feel taken

1245
00:55:45,400 --> 00:55:47,200
Speaker 1: advantage up and then they get really triggered because they've

1246
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:48,799
Speaker 1: got a lot of big core wounds. And then they

1247
00:55:48,840 --> 00:55:51,160
Speaker 1: get angry and they set boundaries from anger or frustration

1248
00:55:51,280 --> 00:55:53,839
Speaker 1: and they say things harshly or critically, and sometimes they're

1249
00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:56,040
Speaker 1: a little bit you know, too harsh or critical, and

1250
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:57,880
Speaker 1: then they feel terribly guilty about it and they go

1251
00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:00,400
Speaker 1: back to having no boundaries. So they're like no bound budies,

1252
00:56:00,760 --> 00:56:03,480
Speaker 1: get frustrated, express anger, feel guilty, you go back to

1253
00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:04,920
Speaker 1: no boundaries, and they kind of just go around in

1254
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:07,600
Speaker 1: a loop. And so what we get people to do

1255
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,080
Speaker 1: is first and it actually has to be done in order.

1256
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:13,040
Speaker 1: And I'll speak from personal examples, but this is what

1257
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,200
Speaker 1: I would see replicated at with like thousands of people.

1258
00:56:15,560 --> 00:56:18,000
Speaker 1: When I was first doing boundary work, I knew I

1259
00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:19,719
Speaker 1: had to do boundary work. I was like, I really

1260
00:56:19,719 --> 00:56:22,000
Speaker 1: struggle with boundaries. So I read all these boundary books

1261
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:24,759
Speaker 1: and I learned about boundaries, and I read you know,

1262
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:29,000
Speaker 1: publications on boundaries and all these things. And yet I

1263
00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:31,120
Speaker 1: would get into situations and I would be sitting in

1264
00:56:31,120 --> 00:56:33,239
Speaker 1: a situation being like, I know this is where I

1265
00:56:33,239 --> 00:56:35,040
Speaker 1: should set the boundary, but I would clam up and

1266
00:56:35,040 --> 00:56:39,239
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do it because I didn't realize that I

1267
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:43,120
Speaker 1: still had core wounds around my boundaries. So consciously, I'm like,

1268
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:46,319
Speaker 1: set a boundary. And too many people intellectualize boundaries as

1269
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:48,799
Speaker 1: this concept but you're not actually going to do it

1270
00:56:48,800 --> 00:56:50,640
Speaker 1: in real time until you first read. Because if your

1271
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:53,000
Speaker 1: conscious minds I set the boundary, or so conscious mind says, no,

1272
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:55,120
Speaker 1: I'm going to be unsafe. And as a child I

1273
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:57,440
Speaker 1: had some kind of heavy handed punishments at times for

1274
00:56:57,480 --> 00:57:00,719
Speaker 1: setting a boundary or saying no. So my subconscious minds

1275
00:57:00,719 --> 00:57:04,200
Speaker 1: that boundaries equals unsafety rather than safety and a healthy dynamic.

1276
00:57:04,239 --> 00:57:06,440
Speaker 1: That's what your brain would think. And so then I

1277
00:57:06,480 --> 00:57:08,319
Speaker 1: would in real time climb up, not say it, and

1278
00:57:08,320 --> 00:57:10,319
Speaker 1: then be like walk away, going why didn't I set

1279
00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:12,160
Speaker 1: the boundary? So what we get people to do is

1280
00:57:12,160 --> 00:57:14,680
Speaker 1: step one, know your boundaries. We get people to audit

1281
00:57:14,719 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 1: their bundies in the seven areas of life, go through career,

1282
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:18,959
Speaker 1: where are you lacking boundaries? Financial area of life, etc.

1283
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:21,800
Speaker 1: Through the seven areas. Then we get people to say, Okay,

1284
00:57:22,240 --> 00:57:24,560
Speaker 1: if I set a boundary, what am I afraid will happen?

1285
00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:26,080
Speaker 1: Or what do I make it mean? It's a good

1286
00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:28,000
Speaker 1: way to surface some of your subconscious stuff that may

1287
00:57:28,040 --> 00:57:29,320
Speaker 1: be they're oh, if I set a boundary, then I'm

1288
00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:31,040
Speaker 1: going to be abandoned. If I set a boundary, people

1289
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:33,200
Speaker 1: are going to reject me or think that I'm a burden,

1290
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,160
Speaker 1: you know, you can really see what comes up. And

1291
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:38,160
Speaker 1: then we get people to rewire using some rewiring techniques

1292
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:41,720
Speaker 1: that fear of setting boundaries and then practice doing exposure work,

1293
00:57:41,920 --> 00:57:44,000
Speaker 1: which means you don't go set your your first boundary

1294
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:46,680
Speaker 1: with your boss who you think has narcissistic personality disorder,

1295
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:48,720
Speaker 1: because your brain's not going to take that very well.

1296
00:57:48,920 --> 00:57:52,280
Speaker 1: We set boundaries with, you know, small boundaries with trusted people,

1297
00:57:52,280 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 1: like ask your coworker you love, hey, can you bring

1298
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,560
Speaker 1: back my stapler when you borrow it? Like the small

1299
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:58,800
Speaker 1: things first, so your brain. We try to set one

1300
00:57:58,840 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 1: boundary a day, and it's the repetition and emotion. I've

1301
00:58:02,080 --> 00:58:05,120
Speaker 1: seen that incrementalism work, and you've rewired the core fear

1302
00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:07,439
Speaker 1: that was stopping you from sending boundaries in real time.

1303
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:08,880
Speaker 1: And what I found in my own life and what

1304
00:58:08,920 --> 00:58:11,400
Speaker 1: I've seen with thousands of people is that unless you're

1305
00:58:11,440 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 1: actually doing boundary work at the subconscious level, you can

1306
00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:16,400
Speaker 1: know it, you can intellectualize it, but it's not actually

1307
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:17,280
Speaker 1: going to change things.

1308
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:36,800
Speaker 2: That makes so much sense in your program because you

1309
00:58:36,800 --> 00:58:42,560
Speaker 2: have so many daily tasks. How are people interacting with you,

1310
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:45,520
Speaker 2: your team or with these tasks on a daily basis.

1311
00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:46,160
Speaker 2: How does it work?

1312
00:58:46,280 --> 00:58:47,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, So what we do is we get people they

1313
00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:49,600
Speaker 1: go through ninety days, they do like one pillar at

1314
00:58:49,600 --> 00:58:51,520
Speaker 1: a time, and we get them to start with a

1315
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:55,400
Speaker 1: reprogramming pillar. We actually have you know, people come in

1316
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:58,800
Speaker 1: they take their actual program. It's a course for each pillar,

1317
00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:00,920
Speaker 1: so they can go through take the course, and then

1318
00:59:00,920 --> 00:59:03,080
Speaker 1: we have two events per day. So I'm in there

1319
00:59:03,080 --> 00:59:05,600
Speaker 1: three days a week with our students. We have colleagues

1320
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:07,880
Speaker 1: in there so that they actually have two events every day,

1321
00:59:08,200 --> 00:59:09,959
Speaker 1: just at different time zones things like that, so people

1322
00:59:10,000 --> 00:59:12,680
Speaker 1: can get in there. We have events that help people

1323
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:15,840
Speaker 1: actually practice the tools and model out especially for communication

1324
00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:17,880
Speaker 1: or boundary setting, Like they actually get to practice it,

1325
00:59:18,160 --> 00:59:20,640
Speaker 1: they get feedback, it's relaid back to them, and then

1326
00:59:20,800 --> 00:59:22,840
Speaker 1: we teach classes about the tools in more depth. You

1327
00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:25,120
Speaker 1: ask questions in the chat. Then we have live questions

1328
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:26,760
Speaker 1: at the end, so people can really get in there

1329
00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:29,880
Speaker 1: and like form those skills across time as they go

1330
00:59:29,920 --> 00:59:30,920
Speaker 1: through each of those pillars.

1331
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:34,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a real commitment, yeah, really doing the.

1332
00:59:34,760 --> 00:59:38,120
Speaker 1: Work absolutely, and we set it up so that it's

1333
00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:40,080
Speaker 1: really only like two to three minutes a day that

1334
00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:42,160
Speaker 1: people need. They don't have to come into those events

1335
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:44,280
Speaker 1: to get their results, but they have the support there

1336
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:46,440
Speaker 1: if they need it. And what's really beautiful too, is

1337
00:59:46,440 --> 00:59:48,240
Speaker 1: that people end up making all these friends, and they're

1338
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:50,000
Speaker 1: like people make friends from all sort of parts of

1339
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:51,440
Speaker 1: the world, and they can stay after the events and

1340
00:59:51,480 --> 00:59:53,280
Speaker 1: chat with each other in the breakout rooms. But we

1341
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:54,880
Speaker 1: set it up so that we try to keep it

1342
00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:58,080
Speaker 1: as simple as possible. Here's your course. The course is

1343
00:59:58,080 --> 01:00:00,360
Speaker 1: only like two hours long or so they can go.

1344
01:00:00,440 --> 01:00:02,560
Speaker 1: They can take the course, get the fall up support,

1345
01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:05,240
Speaker 1: but the course will have Hey, here's your daily exercise

1346
01:00:05,440 --> 01:00:07,800
Speaker 1: for the next twenty one days. Then you finish that one. Okay,

1347
01:00:07,840 --> 01:00:10,080
Speaker 1: here's your next daily pillar for twenty one days, and

1348
01:00:10,120 --> 01:00:11,920
Speaker 1: it takes you know, they're very smile side this.

1349
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:15,520
Speaker 2: That's brilliant. It's so well structured. Thank you. Just hearing

1350
01:00:15,560 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 2: about it makes it feel so it feels like such

1351
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:20,840
Speaker 2: a seamless process because you're getting to exclusively focus on

1352
01:00:20,840 --> 01:00:23,280
Speaker 2: one thing at a time, as opposed to like a

1353
01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:26,280
Speaker 2: million habits that we're all trying to develop exactly tays.

1354
01:00:26,400 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 2: We wanted to ask you about real life scenarios. Okay, well,

1355
01:00:29,920 --> 01:00:32,400
Speaker 2: because we feel that you know when you look at

1356
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:35,720
Speaker 2: all of these attachment stars. Really the way we experience

1357
01:00:35,800 --> 01:00:39,280
Speaker 2: them is in a relationship or when we start dating.

1358
01:00:39,480 --> 01:00:42,880
Speaker 2: So here are some real life scenarios. One partner is

1359
01:00:43,000 --> 01:00:47,120
Speaker 2: anxious and the other is avoidant. The anxious partner clings,

1360
01:00:47,160 --> 01:00:50,640
Speaker 2: the avoidant pulls away. How do they break that cycle

1361
01:00:50,720 --> 01:00:51,800
Speaker 2: instead of repeating it?

1362
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:54,680
Speaker 1: Okay, so really good question. So first thing is we

1363
01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:57,080
Speaker 1: do do that work? Like, the actual way is not

1364
01:00:57,160 --> 01:00:59,040
Speaker 1: going to be to will yourself through it, which unfortunately

1365
01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:01,160
Speaker 1: is sadly so many people are like, oh, we're just

1366
01:01:01,200 --> 01:01:03,320
Speaker 1: gonna try to you know, self silence and not say

1367
01:01:03,320 --> 01:01:04,600
Speaker 1: what we need and then it comes out in a

1368
01:01:04,600 --> 01:01:07,320
Speaker 1: negative way. So first thing is you do the rewiring work,

1369
01:01:07,520 --> 01:01:08,320
Speaker 1: then we actually.

1370
01:01:08,040 --> 01:01:09,680
Speaker 2: Start to work.

1371
01:01:09,960 --> 01:01:12,560
Speaker 1: Okay, great question. So here's what we do in that case.

1372
01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:14,000
Speaker 1: So this is actually I would see this sometimes when

1373
01:01:14,080 --> 01:01:16,760
Speaker 1: working with couples where somebody's like, I'm not going to

1374
01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:18,600
Speaker 1: be doing the self work. We're not really going to

1375
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:22,160
Speaker 1: be moving from that perspective. Well, people tend to think

1376
01:01:22,360 --> 01:01:25,040
Speaker 1: that because people have different needs, that different needs mean

1377
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:28,680
Speaker 1: mutually exclusive needs, okay, which is not the case. So

1378
01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:32,360
Speaker 1: people think like typical scenario anxious attachment style and exactly

1379
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:34,280
Speaker 1: that scenario side, what do they want they what's their need?

1380
01:01:34,480 --> 01:01:37,600
Speaker 1: More time together? What's the dismissible avoidance need more space,

1381
01:01:37,680 --> 01:01:39,960
Speaker 1: more freedom, more autonomy. So what we do in that

1382
01:01:40,040 --> 01:01:42,320
Speaker 1: case is just because somebody wants more time, when somebody

1383
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:46,080
Speaker 1: wants more space, doesn't mean that that can't work. What

1384
01:01:46,080 --> 01:01:48,040
Speaker 1: we get people to do is talk it out from

1385
01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:50,840
Speaker 1: that feeling need framework enough or you have pockets of

1386
01:01:50,880 --> 01:01:53,760
Speaker 1: time to meet both each other's needs. So he'll probably

1387
01:01:53,760 --> 01:01:57,440
Speaker 1: see this. But whenever we have a trigger, we always

1388
01:01:57,440 --> 01:01:59,160
Speaker 1: think of the worst case scenario, right, we jump to

1389
01:01:59,200 --> 01:02:01,960
Speaker 1: the worst case conclusion. So dismissive avoidance when somebody's like,

1390
01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:04,240
Speaker 1: why I want more time, they're like, you're going to

1391
01:02:04,400 --> 01:02:06,440
Speaker 1: take over my life, Like they think you, oh, you

1392
01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:08,280
Speaker 1: want like seven hours every evening together?

1393
01:02:08,440 --> 01:02:10,360
Speaker 2: Like well, well, they're thinking, well I just gave you

1394
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:13,160
Speaker 2: time this weekend, like we were just hanging out, Like

1395
01:02:13,680 --> 01:02:14,760
Speaker 2: how much more can I give you?

1396
01:02:14,960 --> 01:02:17,680
Speaker 1: Exactly? And then when dismissive woodn't say I need more

1397
01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:20,080
Speaker 1: space or time to myself, anxious attach themselves are like

1398
01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:21,720
Speaker 1: you're leaving me, You're abandoning yeah.

1399
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:23,120
Speaker 2: And it's because of me. It's like you want to

1400
01:02:23,120 --> 01:02:24,400
Speaker 2: get away from me one.

1401
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:27,560
Speaker 1: Hundred percent, and instead it's because they struggle to code regulate.

1402
01:02:27,800 --> 01:02:29,440
Speaker 1: So what we get people to do is the feeling

1403
01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:31,560
Speaker 1: need framework. They each say what they feel. Hey, this

1404
01:02:31,960 --> 01:02:34,120
Speaker 1: comes up for me. Then it's a beautiful opportunity to

1405
01:02:34,120 --> 01:02:36,960
Speaker 1: say I need space because that's how I recharge. I

1406
01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:39,760
Speaker 1: need time because that's when I feel connected. So now

1407
01:02:39,800 --> 01:02:42,400
Speaker 1: they actually understand what's going on, and then okay, what

1408
01:02:42,400 --> 01:02:45,040
Speaker 1: do we need. Paint the picture. And when people paint

1409
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:48,240
Speaker 1: the picture, they realize it's actually very reasonable from both ends.

1410
01:02:48,600 --> 01:02:50,640
Speaker 1: Usually an anxious attachment style will say, okay, you know

1411
01:02:50,960 --> 01:02:53,280
Speaker 1: what can I actually do as a baseline in terms

1412
01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:55,360
Speaker 1: of how much time I need together? I think two

1413
01:02:55,480 --> 01:02:57,440
Speaker 1: nights a week would be you know, acceptable for me,

1414
01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:59,760
Speaker 1: and then maybe a fifteen minute phone call a couple

1415
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:01,400
Speaker 1: other nights a week. I could do that. And if I

1416
01:03:01,480 --> 01:03:03,480
Speaker 1: know that we're going to do that and commit to that,

1417
01:03:03,560 --> 01:03:05,960
Speaker 1: I can feel good about that and then dismiss some avoidance.

1418
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:07,920
Speaker 1: They're not going, oh, you want to spend every night

1419
01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:09,320
Speaker 1: with me all day every day. You know you want

1420
01:03:09,320 --> 01:03:11,400
Speaker 1: to take up my whole life. They're like, oh, two

1421
01:03:11,440 --> 01:03:13,120
Speaker 1: evenings a week and then I can do my own

1422
01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:14,800
Speaker 1: thing on Sunday afternoon. I can do my own thing

1423
01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:16,840
Speaker 1: on Monday Tuesday evenings, and I have, you know, all

1424
01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:19,640
Speaker 1: this other time to see friends, whatever it might be. Okay,

1425
01:03:19,640 --> 01:03:21,680
Speaker 1: that's actually feasible. So what I find is, even if

1426
01:03:21,680 --> 01:03:23,000
Speaker 1: people don't want to do the work, if they can

1427
01:03:23,040 --> 01:03:26,920
Speaker 1: communicate very clearly and specifically use that ingredient of painting

1428
01:03:26,920 --> 01:03:29,600
Speaker 1: a picture for what that looks like, we resolve a

1429
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:33,040
Speaker 1: lot of those projected fears that cause those miscommunications to

1430
01:03:33,080 --> 01:03:35,080
Speaker 1: begin with, and now things can really work together.

1431
01:03:35,400 --> 01:03:38,200
Speaker 2: Do you think it's possible to be in a relationship

1432
01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:41,600
Speaker 2: with someone who's not willing to have these conversations.

1433
01:03:41,800 --> 01:03:45,640
Speaker 1: It's a great question. I'll be really honest. What I

1434
01:03:45,680 --> 01:03:49,000
Speaker 1: believe is that you know, and I'll see this a lot.

1435
01:03:49,080 --> 01:03:52,040
Speaker 1: One person can lead the way. Okay, So I see

1436
01:03:52,040 --> 01:03:53,640
Speaker 1: a lot of time one person starts doing the work,

1437
01:03:53,680 --> 01:03:55,560
Speaker 1: they learn to communicate, they become really good at it,

1438
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:58,200
Speaker 1: and the other person, like, once they see their partner

1439
01:03:58,240 --> 01:04:00,840
Speaker 1: communicating so healthily and they're regular and they're not so

1440
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:03,640
Speaker 1: triggered from their wounds, and they're so clear about their needs,

1441
01:04:03,840 --> 01:04:05,800
Speaker 1: the vast majority of time, it gives the other person

1442
01:04:05,880 --> 01:04:07,720
Speaker 1: permission to do the same and they follow their lead.

1443
01:04:08,160 --> 01:04:10,440
Speaker 1: But I will say in roughly ten percent of cases,

1444
01:04:10,880 --> 01:04:12,720
Speaker 1: somebody's in a position where they're like, I'm not doing

1445
01:04:12,720 --> 01:04:15,160
Speaker 1: any of this stuff. I don't want to communicate, I

1446
01:04:15,160 --> 01:04:18,680
Speaker 1: don't want to have these conversations about your needs. I'm sorry,

1447
01:04:18,720 --> 01:04:20,439
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that at all. It's usually

1448
01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:23,360
Speaker 1: from their own woundedness that their unwillingness is there. But

1449
01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:25,440
Speaker 1: I say to people like, hey, if that's the case,

1450
01:04:25,480 --> 01:04:28,840
Speaker 1: I tell people, set a deadline. Try your living heart out.

1451
01:04:29,120 --> 01:04:31,360
Speaker 1: Do everything you can in the deadlines. So deadline might

1452
01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:33,360
Speaker 1: be ninety days, it might be six months. If you're

1453
01:04:33,360 --> 01:04:35,200
Speaker 1: in a longer term relationship, or if you're in a

1454
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:36,800
Speaker 1: marriage with children, it might be a year or a

1455
01:04:36,840 --> 01:04:39,520
Speaker 1: year and a half. Do everything you can as that

1456
01:04:39,560 --> 01:04:41,960
Speaker 1: one person in that period of time to show up

1457
01:04:41,960 --> 01:04:44,760
Speaker 1: the best that you can, you know, without your wounds,

1458
01:04:44,800 --> 01:04:47,960
Speaker 1: no your needs, regular your nervous system, communicate beautifully, set

1459
01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:51,480
Speaker 1: healthy boundaries. If it doesn't work and the person's literally

1460
01:04:51,520 --> 01:04:54,000
Speaker 1: unwilling at the end of that period of time, your

1461
01:04:54,040 --> 01:04:55,280
Speaker 1: only choice if you want to be in a healthy

1462
01:04:55,280 --> 01:04:58,480
Speaker 1: relationship is probably to walk away. And that's because you're

1463
01:04:58,480 --> 01:05:00,720
Speaker 1: going to if you're not happy in that situation. You

1464
01:05:00,800 --> 01:05:03,640
Speaker 1: cannot have one person doing the emotional labor for both people.

1465
01:05:04,120 --> 01:05:06,680
Speaker 1: And then usually what happens is your position for a

1466
01:05:06,720 --> 01:05:09,640
Speaker 1: win win because you have healed so much and you're

1467
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:11,040
Speaker 1: gonna be in a place where you feel stable and

1468
01:05:11,080 --> 01:05:13,320
Speaker 1: emotionally well enough to walk away from something that may

1469
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:16,600
Speaker 1: actually not be a fit for you. And so you're okay,

1470
01:05:16,680 --> 01:05:18,920
Speaker 1: And you also know I can walk away guilt and

1471
01:05:18,920 --> 01:05:22,280
Speaker 1: regret free. I tried everything, or your best case scenario

1472
01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:23,840
Speaker 1: is ninety percent of the time, the other person jumps

1473
01:05:23,840 --> 01:05:26,240
Speaker 1: on board and the relationship evolves because you led the way.

1474
01:05:26,520 --> 01:05:29,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, how does the attachment theory explain love bombing?

1475
01:05:30,120 --> 01:05:34,840
Speaker 1: Great question. So love bombing I think of existing along

1476
01:05:34,840 --> 01:05:38,479
Speaker 1: a continuum. Love bombing in extreme cases is usually because

1477
01:05:38,480 --> 01:05:42,000
Speaker 1: of a narcissistic personality disorder, and that's somebody love bombing

1478
01:05:42,080 --> 01:05:45,160
Speaker 1: with the premeditated intention to win you over as a

1479
01:05:45,160 --> 01:05:48,920
Speaker 1: means of control. But what actually happens if we look

1480
01:05:48,960 --> 01:05:52,120
Speaker 1: way further down the continuum, love bombing can be more

1481
01:05:52,160 --> 01:05:54,240
Speaker 1: from a place. Usually we're going to see anxious or

1482
01:05:54,240 --> 01:05:57,240
Speaker 1: fearful avoidance do love bombing, and it's because a much

1483
01:05:57,320 --> 01:06:00,000
Speaker 1: lesser degree and their relationship to it is not because

1484
01:06:00,640 --> 01:06:02,560
Speaker 1: let me win you over so that then you're addicted

1485
01:06:02,560 --> 01:06:04,000
Speaker 1: to me and I can control you. It's from a

1486
01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:06,439
Speaker 1: place of that They usually because of having so many

1487
01:06:06,480 --> 01:06:09,680
Speaker 1: core wounds and people pleasing behaviors as their adaptation to

1488
01:06:09,720 --> 01:06:12,800
Speaker 1: those core wounds, they have people on a pedestal, and

1489
01:06:12,880 --> 01:06:15,480
Speaker 1: so you're gonna love bomb somebody that you admire and

1490
01:06:15,520 --> 01:06:17,120
Speaker 1: you look up to and you want to win over

1491
01:06:17,200 --> 01:06:19,760
Speaker 1: and people please, and so that's often what will happen

1492
01:06:19,800 --> 01:06:21,560
Speaker 1: is you get a lot more of those compliments and

1493
01:06:21,760 --> 01:06:23,560
Speaker 1: trying to win somebody over and charm them and all

1494
01:06:23,600 --> 01:06:27,480
Speaker 1: those things because of their own insecurity compared to how

1495
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:29,600
Speaker 1: high they see other people that they're in relationships with.

1496
01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:33,360
Speaker 2: If someone comes on quite strongly to you, sometimes it

1497
01:06:33,360 --> 01:06:35,960
Speaker 2: can be quite infatuating because you're like, wow, I finally

1498
01:06:36,000 --> 01:06:39,680
Speaker 2: found someone who likes me, who loves me. Who. But

1499
01:06:39,760 --> 01:06:42,640
Speaker 2: I've noticed as people are getting wiser, and I'm sure

1500
01:06:42,680 --> 01:06:44,920
Speaker 2: as they do the work, they're like, well, that's a

1501
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:48,280
Speaker 2: bit strong. It's too early, Like that feels unnatural for

1502
01:06:48,320 --> 01:06:50,880
Speaker 2: you to have such intense feelings. We just met two

1503
01:06:50,880 --> 01:06:54,440
Speaker 2: weeks ago. What would you do in that scenario where

1504
01:06:55,000 --> 01:06:57,680
Speaker 2: you kind of see positives in this person, but their

1505
01:06:57,680 --> 01:06:59,400
Speaker 2: feelings are too strong and you don't want to get

1506
01:06:59,440 --> 01:07:02,280
Speaker 2: love bombed, but you still want to continue seeing them.

1507
01:07:02,320 --> 01:07:04,040
Speaker 2: How would you navigate that?

1508
01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:07,560
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful question, So a couple of things. The

1509
01:07:07,600 --> 01:07:10,600
Speaker 1: first answer is that in that early stage, you can

1510
01:07:10,600 --> 01:07:12,880
Speaker 1: have that conversation. You can say to somebody, Hey, I

1511
01:07:12,920 --> 01:07:14,720
Speaker 1: really like I really like spending time with you. I'm

1512
01:07:14,760 --> 01:07:17,160
Speaker 1: super interested in you and getting to know you, and

1513
01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:19,400
Speaker 1: I feel like we're moving a little bit quickly. Here's

1514
01:07:19,400 --> 01:07:20,520
Speaker 1: the pace I like to go at. I want to

1515
01:07:20,560 --> 01:07:22,960
Speaker 1: manage your expectations, and that forces somebody to kind of

1516
01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:25,200
Speaker 1: check in with themselves and be able to do that work.

1517
01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:28,200
Speaker 1: I also tell people all the time, if you're concerned

1518
01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:31,000
Speaker 1: a little bit, you think somebody's amazing, they're very charming,

1519
01:07:31,000 --> 01:07:33,280
Speaker 1: and they're very charismatic, and you're concerned a little bit

1520
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:37,040
Speaker 1: that their love bombing and their charisma could be a

1521
01:07:37,040 --> 01:07:39,440
Speaker 1: sign of a narcissist instead of just an insecure attachment

1522
01:07:39,440 --> 01:07:41,640
Speaker 1: cell be cause they're vastly different. Then one of the

1523
01:07:41,680 --> 01:07:43,480
Speaker 1: best ways to just vet them is to set a

1524
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:46,440
Speaker 1: boundary with them, because narcissists do not like your boundary

1525
01:07:46,480 --> 01:07:49,000
Speaker 1: whereas insecure attachment cells, they'll like really honor your boundary.

1526
01:07:49,040 --> 01:07:51,240
Speaker 1: They'll usually be like, oh, I'm so sorry, and they'll

1527
01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:54,120
Speaker 1: be accountable and apologize and acknowledge, and so that's a

1528
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:56,400
Speaker 1: really good way to separate out the two interesting.

1529
01:07:56,400 --> 01:07:59,040
Speaker 2: That's so yeah, because I find that that's what I

1530
01:07:59,120 --> 01:08:01,200
Speaker 2: feel so many of my friend I'm struggling with, where

1531
01:08:01,240 --> 01:08:04,520
Speaker 2: it's like they do set a boundary, the person won't

1532
01:08:04,560 --> 01:08:08,240
Speaker 2: respect the boundary, but there's still so many good things

1533
01:08:08,240 --> 01:08:11,320
Speaker 2: about them. Is that dangerous to keep? Do you have

1534
01:08:11,360 --> 01:08:12,200
Speaker 2: to tread carefully?

1535
01:08:12,400 --> 01:08:14,640
Speaker 1: It's a great question. And from that particular scenario, if

1536
01:08:14,680 --> 01:08:16,680
Speaker 1: somebody is not respecting your boundary early on, that's a

1537
01:08:16,680 --> 01:08:18,720
Speaker 1: big red flag. You know, if somebody doesn't know how

1538
01:08:18,760 --> 01:08:21,160
Speaker 1: to honor boundaries, then I would say in those types

1539
01:08:21,160 --> 01:08:23,959
Speaker 1: of cases, that's a vetting situation. Like vetting in a relationship,

1540
01:08:23,960 --> 01:08:26,320
Speaker 1: when we, forst start dating should be for the first

1541
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:28,960
Speaker 1: three four months of a relationship. You should be asking

1542
01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:32,400
Speaker 1: the hard questions, having those early conversations, talking about your needs.

1543
01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:34,519
Speaker 1: I always say to people when you're when you're going

1544
01:08:34,520 --> 01:08:38,200
Speaker 1: into dating, know your needs and know your not negotiables,

1545
01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:40,840
Speaker 1: and then go in and ask one or two really

1546
01:08:40,920 --> 01:08:43,320
Speaker 1: meaningful questions a date. You don't want the dating situation

1547
01:08:43,400 --> 01:08:46,080
Speaker 1: to be like a job interview. Here's my seventeen needs.

1548
01:08:46,120 --> 01:08:47,479
Speaker 1: Are you going to meet them? You know, it needs

1549
01:08:47,479 --> 01:08:49,320
Speaker 1: to be something where like each date you say you know,

1550
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:51,800
Speaker 1: for example, I know for me, you know, I've been

1551
01:08:51,800 --> 01:08:53,559
Speaker 1: in a marriage, shouldn't been with my husband for eleven

1552
01:08:53,600 --> 01:08:56,000
Speaker 1: years and and but if I were dating again, I

1553
01:08:56,040 --> 01:08:58,600
Speaker 1: would One of my non negotiables early on would be

1554
01:08:59,000 --> 01:09:00,600
Speaker 1: you need to be able to have things out, like

1555
01:09:00,600 --> 01:09:02,879
Speaker 1: we got to talk through things, because it's so important

1556
01:09:02,880 --> 01:09:05,679
Speaker 1: to prevent any kind of resentment and relationship. So I might,

1557
01:09:05,720 --> 01:09:08,479
Speaker 1: you know, have the first date, see if there's a connection, chemistry,

1558
01:09:08,520 --> 01:09:11,160
Speaker 1: have fun, and then by the second date that might

1559
01:09:11,160 --> 01:09:12,720
Speaker 1: be a question I bring up pretty early, hey, like

1560
01:09:12,720 --> 01:09:14,960
Speaker 1: how do you handle conflict? And then that way I

1561
01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:17,160
Speaker 1: can see if they say, oh, I would never you know,

1562
01:09:17,200 --> 01:09:19,000
Speaker 1: I don't like to talk about things. I don't go there.

1563
01:09:19,040 --> 01:09:21,599
Speaker 1: I don't like conflict. I don't believe in like having conflict.

1564
01:09:21,640 --> 01:09:24,479
Speaker 1: I would be like, whoa red flag? And so then

1565
01:09:24,520 --> 01:09:26,360
Speaker 1: we bet And what we want to do is if

1566
01:09:26,400 --> 01:09:29,479
Speaker 1: we see those things and we're not sure red flags?

1567
01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:31,840
Speaker 1: If you're interested in somebody. Otherwise, people think red flags

1568
01:09:31,840 --> 01:09:34,000
Speaker 1: you should bolt No red flags, you should go to

1569
01:09:34,040 --> 01:09:37,880
Speaker 1: words and figure out because sometimes somebody might accidentally disrespect

1570
01:09:38,000 --> 01:09:39,880
Speaker 1: a boundary that you said, Hey, I want to move slower.

1571
01:09:40,400 --> 01:09:43,120
Speaker 1: But sometimes that red flag is well, you weren't clear

1572
01:09:43,240 --> 01:09:45,679
Speaker 1: enough at what slower means to you didn't paint the picture.

1573
01:09:46,000 --> 01:09:48,280
Speaker 1: So that should be a conversation you move towards, they

1574
01:09:48,320 --> 01:09:49,880
Speaker 1: really get to the bottom of like kind of a

1575
01:09:49,880 --> 01:09:53,160
Speaker 1: detective like, hey, I mentioned last week wanting to move slower.

1576
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:54,639
Speaker 1: I feel like we still moved at a really quick

1577
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:58,000
Speaker 1: pace this week. For me, moving slower looks like seeing

1578
01:09:58,000 --> 01:10:00,479
Speaker 1: each other a little bit less, you know, so, spending

1579
01:10:00,560 --> 01:10:02,559
Speaker 1: a little more time getting to know each other before

1580
01:10:02,880 --> 01:10:05,559
Speaker 1: traveling together, whatever it might be. And then we really

1581
01:10:05,560 --> 01:10:07,280
Speaker 1: get to the bottom of it. And that's part of

1582
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:09,280
Speaker 1: the vetting that should be taking place in that early stage.

1583
01:10:09,280 --> 01:10:11,320
Speaker 1: And then if we see red flags and we see

1584
01:10:11,320 --> 01:10:12,840
Speaker 1: oh no, no, that's just the red flag, they're going to

1585
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:15,240
Speaker 1: keep going without those boundaries. Now we know the answer

1586
01:10:15,360 --> 01:10:16,240
Speaker 1: and now we're really clear.

1587
01:10:16,479 --> 01:10:20,559
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, all right, another scenario here. I love these

1588
01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:24,600
Speaker 2: with you. These are a secure partner, feels steady, but

1589
01:10:24,720 --> 01:10:28,200
Speaker 2: their anxious partner keeps searching for signs something is wrong.

1590
01:10:29,080 --> 01:10:31,760
Speaker 2: How can they help without becoming the emotional regulator.

1591
01:10:32,560 --> 01:10:36,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, really good question. So this happens fairly frequently. But

1592
01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:39,800
Speaker 1: what's very interesting about this is that I have yet

1593
01:10:39,800 --> 01:10:42,880
Speaker 1: to see it be any kind of frequent occurrence in

1594
01:10:42,960 --> 01:10:47,120
Speaker 1: somebody who's deeply anxious and deeply secure stay in a

1595
01:10:47,120 --> 01:10:51,320
Speaker 1: long term relationship together because their subconscious comfort zones are

1596
01:10:51,320 --> 01:10:53,920
Speaker 1: going to reject each other. Securely attached people there's too

1597
01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:56,880
Speaker 1: much emotional burden over time and that person's not self

1598
01:10:56,920 --> 01:10:59,719
Speaker 1: regulating at all, or the needle's not moving, they usually

1599
01:10:59,720 --> 01:11:02,559
Speaker 1: do because they're really good at being mindful of their

1600
01:11:02,560 --> 01:11:04,800
Speaker 1: own boundaries. They will pull away from that person or

1601
01:11:04,800 --> 01:11:07,439
Speaker 1: move in a different direction. Attachment seals are always a continue.

1602
01:11:07,439 --> 01:11:10,160
Speaker 1: If somebody's a little bit anxious, we'll see some movement there, right.

1603
01:11:10,200 --> 01:11:11,880
Speaker 1: But if somebody sometimes you hear things like oh, just

1604
01:11:11,920 --> 01:11:14,160
Speaker 1: dat a secure person, it doesn't usually work out that way.

1605
01:11:14,240 --> 01:11:16,799
Speaker 1: Just like you know, people who are deeply insecure often

1606
01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:19,160
Speaker 1: are like, where's the spice? Where's the excitement? Is that

1607
01:11:19,200 --> 01:11:21,759
Speaker 1: this is the stability seems boring? Or they can reject

1608
01:11:21,760 --> 01:11:25,280
Speaker 1: the secure person as well. So you know, that really

1609
01:11:25,320 --> 01:11:26,760
Speaker 1: brings back to the work of like, you got to

1610
01:11:26,800 --> 01:11:29,160
Speaker 1: do the work in healing yourself first if you really

1611
01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:31,720
Speaker 1: want that to happen. But if that were to be

1612
01:11:31,720 --> 01:11:33,479
Speaker 1: the case where you have somebody who's a little less

1613
01:11:33,479 --> 01:11:36,280
Speaker 1: anxious and then somebody who's really secure, then you're going

1614
01:11:36,360 --> 01:11:39,160
Speaker 1: to have the secure person say hey, I need you

1615
01:11:39,560 --> 01:11:41,679
Speaker 1: to be able to make sure that your self soothing sometimes,

1616
01:11:41,760 --> 01:11:43,960
Speaker 1: or I need you. In maybe less clinical terms, they

1617
01:11:44,040 --> 01:11:45,640
Speaker 1: might say something like, hey, you know, I'm going to

1618
01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:47,320
Speaker 1: be here for you, and I'm going to do my

1619
01:11:47,360 --> 01:11:49,000
Speaker 1: best to be here for you, and there's going to

1620
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:51,519
Speaker 1: be sometimes where I'm suck late at work, I'm going

1621
01:11:51,520 --> 01:11:53,360
Speaker 1: through my own human things and I need you to

1622
01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:55,599
Speaker 1: see me too, and I need you to practice being

1623
01:11:55,600 --> 01:11:58,320
Speaker 1: okay and on your own. And so they'll set those boundaries,

1624
01:11:58,439 --> 01:12:01,040
Speaker 1: they'll communicate their needs, and in doing that it actually

1625
01:12:01,080 --> 01:12:04,400
Speaker 1: provides this beautiful opportunity for somebody to be like, oh,

1626
01:12:04,680 --> 01:12:06,560
Speaker 1: maybe I should practice that, maybe I should sort of

1627
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,240
Speaker 1: train myself to do that, And that's often where we

1628
01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:09,440
Speaker 1: can see those good outcomes.

1629
01:12:09,560 --> 01:12:13,000
Speaker 2: Yeah. No, it's it's interesting you say that because I

1630
01:12:13,000 --> 01:12:17,439
Speaker 2: can agree more that one person is usually rises to

1631
01:12:17,479 --> 01:12:20,240
Speaker 2: be the fixer in the beginning because they feel valuable

1632
01:12:20,240 --> 01:12:22,640
Speaker 2: through it as well. And then afterwards they start to

1633
01:12:22,680 --> 01:12:25,920
Speaker 2: feel less and less valuable because their fixing doesn't work

1634
01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:28,800
Speaker 2: and they feel like all of their efforts are in

1635
01:12:28,880 --> 01:12:32,479
Speaker 2: vain because naturally that person still needs to learn self

1636
01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:36,000
Speaker 2: regulation and you end up pushing them right one percent.

1637
01:12:36,160 --> 01:12:39,360
Speaker 1: Okay, So there's some thing we created that we that

1638
01:12:39,400 --> 01:12:41,760
Speaker 1: I talk about sometimes, and it's the six stages of relationship.

1639
01:12:41,760 --> 01:12:44,840
Speaker 1: It's based off of some of doctor Susan Johnson's work.

1640
01:12:44,880 --> 01:12:47,400
Speaker 1: And there's the dating stage, which is usually the first,

1641
01:12:47,479 --> 01:12:50,080
Speaker 1: like you know, zero to six months you're dating or betting.

1642
01:12:50,280 --> 01:12:52,240
Speaker 1: Then there's a honeymoon stage, which usually lasts for another

1643
01:12:52,320 --> 01:12:54,200
Speaker 1: year to year and a half rose color classes. That's

1644
01:12:54,200 --> 01:12:56,240
Speaker 1: a long time, yeah, And then and then we enter

1645
01:12:56,280 --> 01:12:59,320
Speaker 1: into the power struggle stage. And to your exact point,

1646
01:12:59,479 --> 01:13:01,760
Speaker 1: and I kind of laugh at this with endearment, it's

1647
01:13:01,800 --> 01:13:03,599
Speaker 1: not fun when you're going through it. Then people after

1648
01:13:03,600 --> 01:13:06,479
Speaker 1: the power struggle, there's the rhythm stage. You get into

1649
01:13:06,479 --> 01:13:08,680
Speaker 1: your rhythm. Then you get into the commitment stage long term,

1650
01:13:08,720 --> 01:13:10,400
Speaker 1: and then the bliss stage, like things are really good

1651
01:13:10,439 --> 01:13:12,799
Speaker 1: long term, highly likely to break up in that stage

1652
01:13:12,920 --> 01:13:16,160
Speaker 1: but what's so interesting is it in the dating stage

1653
01:13:16,160 --> 01:13:19,479
Speaker 1: of relationships, usually we are very attracted to people who

1654
01:13:19,479 --> 01:13:22,760
Speaker 1: express or repressed traits, so the thing will invest in

1655
01:13:22,800 --> 01:13:24,320
Speaker 1: longest term or people whom you are back to us

1656
01:13:24,320 --> 01:13:26,160
Speaker 1: how we treat ourselves. But one of the other things

1657
01:13:26,200 --> 01:13:30,599
Speaker 1: that does drive attraction early on psychologically is somebody who

1658
01:13:30,600 --> 01:13:33,960
Speaker 1: expresses your repressed traits. Okay, so if that office is attracted.

1659
01:13:34,000 --> 01:13:36,759
Speaker 1: So let's say, for example, that you're somebody who struggles

1660
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:39,479
Speaker 1: with boundaries. If you meet somebody really assertive, you're gonna

1661
01:13:39,479 --> 01:13:41,599
Speaker 1: be like wow, like ooh, let me get close to them.

1662
01:13:41,880 --> 01:13:45,000
Speaker 1: Or if you're somebody not a bad thing, or if

1663
01:13:45,040 --> 01:13:48,680
Speaker 1: you're somebody who's very type A organized, intense, and when

1664
01:13:48,680 --> 01:13:50,719
Speaker 1: somebody's really easy going, you're gonna be like, oh wow,

1665
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:53,320
Speaker 1: like look at them. And so we're very drawn because

1666
01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,200
Speaker 1: the mind likes to attach, and when we attach to something,

1667
01:13:56,280 --> 01:13:59,400
Speaker 1: we have an allostatic or homeostatic impulse at the subconscious level.

1668
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:03,080
Speaker 1: We feel more holes through that person. But what's so

1669
01:14:03,400 --> 01:14:06,360
Speaker 1: crazy is over time we are still going to invest

1670
01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:08,320
Speaker 1: in the most people who mirror our subconscious comfort zone.

1671
01:14:08,320 --> 01:14:10,840
Speaker 1: So in the early stages were often attracted and then

1672
01:14:10,880 --> 01:14:12,760
Speaker 1: in the power struggle stage, it's the very thing that

1673
01:14:12,800 --> 01:14:15,200
Speaker 1: has one of the greatest likelihoods of driving the relationship apart,

1674
01:14:15,200 --> 01:14:17,880
Speaker 1: and that looks like this. They were so assertive. I

1675
01:14:17,880 --> 01:14:19,759
Speaker 1: loved that early on, and now in the power struggle

1676
01:14:19,760 --> 01:14:24,600
Speaker 1: station you're like, they never compromised. Early on, you're like,

1677
01:14:24,640 --> 01:14:26,040
Speaker 1: oh my god, I love that they go with the flow.

1678
01:14:26,040 --> 01:14:28,519
Speaker 1: They're so flex the when he's going. And then you're like, hello,

1679
01:14:28,720 --> 01:14:30,720
Speaker 1: like we have plans, get here on time, and you're

1680
01:14:30,760 --> 01:14:34,240
Speaker 1: really stressed. And it happens like clockwork in every relationship.

1681
01:14:34,640 --> 01:14:37,160
Speaker 1: And what I believe to be both the psychological and

1682
01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:41,640
Speaker 1: even spiritual lesson is to integrate those traits collectively. And

1683
01:14:41,680 --> 01:14:45,400
Speaker 1: so yeah, So for example, let's say, let's pretend it's

1684
01:14:45,439 --> 01:14:47,160
Speaker 1: me and my husband, and actually we were kind of

1685
01:14:47,160 --> 01:14:49,240
Speaker 1: like this. I met my husband, my little little boundary

1686
01:14:49,240 --> 01:14:52,400
Speaker 1: work to do, and he was so good at setting boundaries,

1687
01:14:52,479 --> 01:14:54,880
Speaker 1: just like so direct, so straight up, so to the point,

1688
01:14:54,920 --> 01:14:57,200
Speaker 1: and I remember really admiring it. And then sure enough

1689
01:14:57,200 --> 01:14:58,880
Speaker 1: I knew. We got in the power struggle station and

1690
01:14:58,880 --> 01:15:01,240
Speaker 1: started to dives was like hello, and so I went

1691
01:15:01,280 --> 01:15:03,120
Speaker 1: to him and I said hey, And I knew this already.

1692
01:15:03,160 --> 01:15:05,680
Speaker 1: I was a quick thank goodness, and I knew that

1693
01:15:06,000 --> 01:15:08,639
Speaker 1: I was going to start feeling frustrated unless I took

1694
01:15:08,720 --> 01:15:11,960
Speaker 1: on some of the trade of assertiveness better and if

1695
01:15:11,960 --> 01:15:14,400
Speaker 1: he took on some of my flexibility a little bit more.

1696
01:15:14,880 --> 01:15:16,800
Speaker 1: So I went to him. I had the conversation, said, Hey,

1697
01:15:17,320 --> 01:15:19,720
Speaker 1: I need you to make compromise with me sometimes, and

1698
01:15:19,760 --> 01:15:21,800
Speaker 1: this is really important to me, and it's going to

1699
01:15:21,800 --> 01:15:23,599
Speaker 1: be important for you to be more flexible and more

1700
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:25,280
Speaker 1: mindful of me at times as well. And I gave

1701
01:15:25,280 --> 01:15:27,960
Speaker 1: some examples and sort of painted a picture. And what

1702
01:15:28,120 --> 01:15:30,200
Speaker 1: was really beautiful about that is I knew I had

1703
01:15:30,240 --> 01:15:32,519
Speaker 1: to communicate my needs more consistently and say my boundaries

1704
01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:34,519
Speaker 1: and do it better in real time. And I did.

1705
01:15:34,560 --> 01:15:36,439
Speaker 1: It was profoundly healing for me and helped me in

1706
01:15:36,479 --> 01:15:38,840
Speaker 1: so many relationships going forward, especially in things like work.

1707
01:15:39,360 --> 01:15:42,640
Speaker 1: And for him, he became so much more flexible and

1708
01:15:42,680 --> 01:15:45,599
Speaker 1: I saw it really strengthen his relationships with his friends,

1709
01:15:45,600 --> 01:15:47,920
Speaker 1: his family members, like it was really beautiful to see

1710
01:15:48,080 --> 01:15:50,559
Speaker 1: him evolve in that way. And that's everybody. That's if

1711
01:15:50,600 --> 01:15:52,960
Speaker 1: you're the type a person, you got to learn that

1712
01:15:53,040 --> 01:15:56,280
Speaker 1: easygoingness sometimes and surrender. If you're the easygoing person having

1713
01:15:56,280 --> 01:15:58,840
Speaker 1: some discipline is really valuable. So I really believe that

1714
01:15:58,880 --> 01:16:02,840
Speaker 1: relationships are not here for love, although that's a beautiful thing.

1715
01:16:02,840 --> 01:16:05,000
Speaker 1: They're also here for growth. And a lot of it's

1716
01:16:05,000 --> 01:16:07,240
Speaker 1: that we're attracted to people that way, because that's are

1717
01:16:07,240 --> 01:16:09,280
Speaker 1: subconscious mind calling us to take on some of those

1718
01:16:09,280 --> 01:16:12,200
Speaker 1: things internally, and that's how we become more whole together

1719
01:16:12,800 --> 01:16:15,120
Speaker 1: in that power struggle stage. And now instead of having

1720
01:16:15,320 --> 01:16:17,640
Speaker 1: these two different people that are attracted, we're now to

1721
01:16:17,800 --> 01:16:22,000
Speaker 1: whole people collectively, and that strengthens us individually and collectively

1722
01:16:22,040 --> 01:16:22,519
Speaker 1: long term.

1723
01:16:22,560 --> 01:16:25,960
Speaker 2: I couldn't agree more if whenever people ask me and Rady,

1724
01:16:26,000 --> 01:16:29,400
Speaker 2: it's our tenure, wedding anniversary, this year, congratulation, and when

1725
01:16:29,400 --> 01:16:32,760
Speaker 2: I think about what's worked, because there've been tough conversations,

1726
01:16:32,800 --> 01:16:36,320
Speaker 2: there's been growth, there's been both of us taking responsibility

1727
01:16:36,360 --> 01:16:39,719
Speaker 2: and accountability, and I'm like, the best thing that's happened

1728
01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:42,599
Speaker 2: is the best parts of us have rubbed off onto

1729
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:46,920
Speaker 2: the other person and the worst parts haven't. I love

1730
01:16:46,960 --> 01:16:48,880
Speaker 2: that is the only thing I can come down to.

1731
01:16:48,960 --> 01:16:52,799
Speaker 2: It's like, so me and Rady similarly ratherly spontaneous. I'm

1732
01:16:52,920 --> 01:16:57,160
Speaker 2: super hyper focused and I've become more spontaneous and more

1733
01:16:57,200 --> 01:17:00,080
Speaker 2: casual in our relationship with our timing and things like that,

1734
01:17:00,680 --> 01:17:04,120
Speaker 2: and she's become more organized in her work and focused

1735
01:17:04,160 --> 01:17:07,719
Speaker 2: and driven in her profession. And then Radi super healthy

1736
01:17:07,800 --> 01:17:11,240
Speaker 2: and you know, really health conscious and exercise, diet, everything

1737
01:17:11,280 --> 01:17:13,760
Speaker 2: that's really rubbed off on me. And so she's taught

1738
01:17:13,760 --> 01:17:15,880
Speaker 2: me that and I'm like, that's what's worked. And it's

1739
01:17:16,120 --> 01:17:19,519
Speaker 2: but you both got to have the humility to be

1740
01:17:19,600 --> 01:17:22,439
Speaker 2: able to learn from the other person. And I think

1741
01:17:22,439 --> 01:17:24,280
Speaker 2: you have to have the humility to not want to

1742
01:17:24,280 --> 01:17:26,880
Speaker 2: teach the other person. So I don't think in what

1743
01:17:26,880 --> 01:17:29,000
Speaker 2: you said in the way you're talking about these conversations.

1744
01:17:29,360 --> 01:17:31,080
Speaker 2: I never went up to Radi and said, I think

1745
01:17:31,120 --> 01:17:33,439
Speaker 2: you need to be more organized, and she never came

1746
01:17:33,520 --> 01:17:34,680
Speaker 2: up to me and goes, I think you need to

1747
01:17:34,720 --> 01:17:37,920
Speaker 2: be more healthy. Like if it's almost like the humility

1748
01:17:37,960 --> 01:17:41,840
Speaker 2: to not teach and the humility to learn. And that's

1749
01:17:41,840 --> 01:17:43,960
Speaker 2: fascinating because most of us think, oh, yeah, I wish

1750
01:17:44,000 --> 01:17:45,559
Speaker 2: my partner was a bit more like me, and I'm

1751
01:17:45,560 --> 01:17:46,960
Speaker 2: going to go tell them how they can be like me,

1752
01:17:47,000 --> 01:17:50,080
Speaker 2: and it's like, oh no, no, no, it's you live

1753
01:17:50,160 --> 01:17:54,479
Speaker 2: the quality so well that it becomes attractive. Like I know,

1754
01:17:54,600 --> 01:17:56,880
Speaker 2: RADI like really values going to the gym, really values

1755
01:17:56,880 --> 01:17:59,599
Speaker 2: eating well. She sees how alert it makes And when

1756
01:17:59,640 --> 01:18:02,120
Speaker 2: you see see that change in someone, you feel inspired

1757
01:18:02,439 --> 01:18:04,559
Speaker 2: that I want to do it too, And so it's

1758
01:18:04,600 --> 01:18:09,920
Speaker 2: so fascinating. How Yeah, I'd say successful relationships are when

1759
01:18:10,800 --> 01:18:12,720
Speaker 2: the good things you both have rob off on each

1760
01:18:12,760 --> 01:18:16,480
Speaker 2: other and the bad things don't. And that simple principle

1761
01:18:17,200 --> 01:18:19,400
Speaker 2: allows you to have the humility to learn from your

1762
01:18:19,400 --> 01:18:22,479
Speaker 2: partner and not have the ego to want to teach them.

1763
01:18:22,920 --> 01:18:24,719
Speaker 2: And those two things seem to make sense.

1764
01:18:25,040 --> 01:18:26,880
Speaker 1: I thought that was so beautiful the way you said that.

1765
01:18:26,880 --> 01:18:29,439
Speaker 1: I actually really touched my heart. You said the best

1766
01:18:29,479 --> 01:18:32,080
Speaker 1: things rubbed off on one another, but the harder things didn't,

1767
01:18:32,120 --> 01:18:34,120
Speaker 1: And like, I just think that's such a beautiful example

1768
01:18:34,160 --> 01:18:37,920
Speaker 1: of a truly healthy, harmonious relationship. And that's that's that

1769
01:18:38,800 --> 01:18:40,439
Speaker 1: For people who are like, how do I have the humility?

1770
01:18:40,439 --> 01:18:43,400
Speaker 1: How do I communicate? That's that feelings need framework when

1771
01:18:43,520 --> 01:18:45,800
Speaker 1: you communicate, hey I need this, Hey I need a

1772
01:18:45,800 --> 01:18:48,280
Speaker 1: little flexibility sometimes from you, or hey I need you

1773
01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:50,200
Speaker 1: to sometimes be mindful of me. When you say it

1774
01:18:50,240 --> 01:18:53,240
Speaker 1: with like this this humbleness, you come to the table

1775
01:18:53,240 --> 01:18:55,040
Speaker 1: of like I care about you and sometimes I need

1776
01:18:55,080 --> 01:18:56,559
Speaker 1: to lean on you in this way and vice versa.

1777
01:18:56,960 --> 01:18:59,759
Speaker 1: That is a big part of what opens those dialogues,

1778
01:18:59,800 --> 01:19:02,200
Speaker 1: those conversations to be more mindful. And then, of course,

1779
01:19:02,200 --> 01:19:04,080
Speaker 1: like you said, when somebody's living in their best version

1780
01:19:04,080 --> 01:19:06,519
Speaker 1: of themselves, they step into that truth and that's inspiring

1781
01:19:06,560 --> 01:19:08,040
Speaker 1: to be around one hundred person.

1782
01:19:08,920 --> 01:19:12,480
Speaker 2: Okay, one more scenario before we do a couple of segments.

1783
01:19:12,760 --> 01:19:15,759
Speaker 2: So this one is one partner is ready to commit,

1784
01:19:16,240 --> 01:19:19,640
Speaker 2: the other becomes uncertain as things deepen. How do you

1785
01:19:19,720 --> 01:19:21,720
Speaker 2: tell fear from a real mismatch?

1786
01:19:21,880 --> 01:19:24,840
Speaker 1: Beautiful question? So I always find it's going to boil

1787
01:19:24,960 --> 01:19:27,120
Speaker 1: back down to these same types of themes and pillars.

1788
01:19:27,120 --> 01:19:30,720
Speaker 1: So first thing is you have to have a real conversation,

1789
01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:34,559
Speaker 1: like if we sort of have these trajectories that relationships follow.

1790
01:19:34,600 --> 01:19:37,800
Speaker 1: That I've found, which is that if you don't do

1791
01:19:37,920 --> 01:19:42,639
Speaker 1: anything really direct, if you don't have a really vulnerable conversation, instead,

1792
01:19:42,680 --> 01:19:44,880
Speaker 1: what happens is one person's like, oh, they don't want

1793
01:19:44,880 --> 01:19:47,120
Speaker 1: to commit. They make it mean things about themselves, especially

1794
01:19:47,120 --> 01:19:48,240
Speaker 1: if they have a lot of core wounds, are like

1795
01:19:48,240 --> 01:19:50,320
Speaker 1: oh am I not good enough? Am I unlovable? Am

1796
01:19:50,320 --> 01:19:53,960
Speaker 1: I unworthy? And then they project those onto situations or

1797
01:19:54,439 --> 01:19:56,439
Speaker 1: the person keeps dragging their feet and the other person's

1798
01:19:56,400 --> 01:19:59,400
Speaker 1: self silences and they just feel resentful in the relationship.

1799
01:19:59,479 --> 01:20:01,679
Speaker 1: Then that out in different ways and it's more arguments

1800
01:20:01,760 --> 01:20:05,360
Speaker 1: or disagreements. So the only actual reasonable solution is to

1801
01:20:05,520 --> 01:20:08,639
Speaker 1: truly hash it out. And so we go and we say, hey,

1802
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:11,200
Speaker 1: you know, here's what I'm looking for. I'm looking for

1803
01:20:11,240 --> 01:20:14,920
Speaker 1: a commitment. Here's why, and here's like what you know,

1804
01:20:15,040 --> 01:20:17,320
Speaker 1: paint that picture, what does that timeframe look like, and

1805
01:20:17,360 --> 01:20:20,120
Speaker 1: be really honest and transparent, And then the other person

1806
01:20:20,160 --> 01:20:22,439
Speaker 1: has to say what's holding them back? And oftentimes what

1807
01:20:22,479 --> 01:20:24,400
Speaker 1: I foun because they've done a lot of these specific

1808
01:20:24,400 --> 01:20:28,599
Speaker 1: conversations with people in relationships, and usually what's actually happening

1809
01:20:29,320 --> 01:20:32,280
Speaker 1: is that that conversation will be the catalyst for some

1810
01:20:32,479 --> 01:20:36,280
Speaker 1: deeply unresolved needs and relationships. More often than not, the

1811
01:20:36,280 --> 01:20:38,800
Speaker 1: person who's dragging their feet and commitment the most is

1812
01:20:38,960 --> 01:20:42,960
Speaker 1: deeply directly running in parallel to the person who's also

1813
01:20:43,040 --> 01:20:46,799
Speaker 1: not communicating their needs and relationships, and so they're afraid

1814
01:20:46,800 --> 01:20:49,599
Speaker 1: to commit. And a lot of times people's commitment fears

1815
01:20:49,600 --> 01:20:51,559
Speaker 1: are yes coming from core wounds and being trapped or

1816
01:20:51,560 --> 01:20:55,040
Speaker 1: helpless or powerless in that pillar. But a lot more

1817
01:20:55,080 --> 01:20:57,120
Speaker 1: of the time, commitment fear are rooted in somebody not

1818
01:20:57,360 --> 01:21:01,080
Speaker 1: knowing how to communicate their needs. So they're more scared

1819
01:21:01,120 --> 01:21:02,559
Speaker 1: to get trapped because they're like, well, what if I

1820
01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:04,439
Speaker 1: commit to this and then I don't feel fully fulfilled

1821
01:21:04,520 --> 01:21:06,760
Speaker 1: or have my needs met. But once they learn to

1822
01:21:06,800 --> 01:21:09,680
Speaker 1: communicate their needs, a lot of those conversations usually end

1823
01:21:09,760 --> 01:21:12,800
Speaker 1: up being things like, Hey, yeah, I guess like one

1824
01:21:12,840 --> 01:21:15,200
Speaker 1: of the reasons I'm afraid to commit is I'm scared

1825
01:21:15,200 --> 01:21:17,120
Speaker 1: that I'm going to lose, you know, my time with

1826
01:21:17,160 --> 01:21:19,120
Speaker 1: my friends sometimes and I need to be able to

1827
01:21:19,160 --> 01:21:21,200
Speaker 1: have that in the long term and go off and

1828
01:21:21,200 --> 01:21:22,920
Speaker 1: hang out with the boys sometimes, or go have a

1829
01:21:22,920 --> 01:21:25,240
Speaker 1: girl's weekend or whatever it might be. And then the

1830
01:21:25,280 --> 01:21:27,760
Speaker 1: person's like, oh, I can honor that, I can make

1831
01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:29,320
Speaker 1: that a part of our marriage. I can, you know,

1832
01:21:29,560 --> 01:21:31,960
Speaker 1: And it's this catalyst to a huge breakthrough, or sometimes

1833
01:21:31,960 --> 01:21:34,720
Speaker 1: it's things like, hey, I guess what's holding me back

1834
01:21:34,760 --> 01:21:37,519
Speaker 1: is sometimes I feel like I get criticized more than

1835
01:21:37,520 --> 01:21:39,840
Speaker 1: I feel good about and it makes me want to

1836
01:21:39,880 --> 01:21:42,040
Speaker 1: pull away, and I'm not sure if I see that

1837
01:21:42,080 --> 01:21:44,400
Speaker 1: being you know something, I'm really happy in long term

1838
01:21:44,439 --> 01:21:47,120
Speaker 1: and then the person hears that and they're able to say,

1839
01:21:47,280 --> 01:21:48,640
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, it's time for me to clean up

1840
01:21:48,640 --> 01:21:50,519
Speaker 1: the way I communicate, and then there's this breakthrough when

1841
01:21:50,520 --> 01:21:53,320
Speaker 1: they both feel safer. So I would love to tell people, Hey,

1842
01:21:53,680 --> 01:21:56,040
Speaker 1: there's some manipulative easy fix where you tell them this

1843
01:21:56,080 --> 01:21:58,160
Speaker 1: thing and you say I'll do if you don't, you know, commit,

1844
01:21:58,200 --> 01:22:02,080
Speaker 1: I'll leave and give an ultimatum. You're selling yourself short

1845
01:22:02,160 --> 01:22:05,320
Speaker 1: and the relationship short by not saying, hey, this is

1846
01:22:05,320 --> 01:22:08,200
Speaker 1: what I'm really looking for. Here's why. Tell me what's

1847
01:22:08,200 --> 01:22:10,000
Speaker 1: coming up for you or want to understand. And when

1848
01:22:10,040 --> 01:22:12,240
Speaker 1: we do that and have that same humility to really

1849
01:22:12,240 --> 01:22:14,360
Speaker 1: go there with an open heart and open mind, usually

1850
01:22:14,360 --> 01:22:15,240
Speaker 1: there's big breakthroughs.

1851
01:22:15,479 --> 01:22:34,599
Speaker 2: Yeah, what happens when we've talked a lot about dating,

1852
01:22:34,600 --> 01:22:37,559
Speaker 2: we've talked about being in a relationship. What happens when

1853
01:22:37,560 --> 01:22:40,519
Speaker 2: you set your boundary, You've done some of the self work,

1854
01:22:40,560 --> 01:22:43,400
Speaker 2: maybe they have to, and then they decide to leave you.

1855
01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:45,479
Speaker 1: Beautiful question and.

1856
01:22:45,400 --> 01:22:47,519
Speaker 2: Someone breaks up with you and you've done the work,

1857
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:50,520
Speaker 2: you've been trying to figure it out. But the subconscious

1858
01:22:50,520 --> 01:22:52,680
Speaker 2: and the conditioning was so strong that it was overriding

1859
01:22:52,720 --> 01:22:54,800
Speaker 2: everything and for both of you, just too difficult. That

1860
01:22:54,840 --> 01:22:57,559
Speaker 2: person breaks up with you, How does an anxious attachment

1861
01:22:57,600 --> 01:23:02,160
Speaker 2: style and an avoidant attachment style how can they correctly

1862
01:23:02,200 --> 01:23:03,080
Speaker 2: deal with the breakup?

1863
01:23:03,600 --> 01:23:06,439
Speaker 1: I love this question too. Okay, So one of my

1864
01:23:06,520 --> 01:23:11,759
Speaker 1: favorite topics is actually grief, and a breakup is grief,

1865
01:23:12,160 --> 01:23:15,400
Speaker 1: and when we actually look at grief, I think grief

1866
01:23:15,479 --> 01:23:19,080
Speaker 1: is one of the most misunderstood things in our society

1867
01:23:19,120 --> 01:23:21,920
Speaker 1: because we think time heals all wounds, or we think

1868
01:23:21,960 --> 01:23:24,400
Speaker 1: these things, and honestly, it's just not the case. Wounds

1869
01:23:24,400 --> 01:23:27,760
Speaker 1: can last for a very long time. But when we

1870
01:23:27,800 --> 01:23:30,479
Speaker 1: go through a breakup, it's grief because what happens when

1871
01:23:30,479 --> 01:23:34,320
Speaker 1: we get into relationship is the mind attaches to another person,

1872
01:23:34,400 --> 01:23:37,320
Speaker 1: and when we attach to another person deeply, that's when

1873
01:23:37,360 --> 01:23:40,679
Speaker 1: our attachment behaviors exhibit themselves the most. But when we attach,

1874
01:23:40,760 --> 01:23:43,919
Speaker 1: what we're actually attaching to is very much the non physical.

1875
01:23:44,479 --> 01:23:47,360
Speaker 1: So this is kind of a morbid example, but if

1876
01:23:47,360 --> 01:23:51,320
Speaker 1: somebody passes away, it's not their physical body that you miss.

1877
01:23:51,320 --> 01:23:53,640
Speaker 1: If their physical body was around in your house or

1878
01:23:53,680 --> 01:23:55,280
Speaker 1: something like, You're not going to be the way I

1879
01:23:55,320 --> 01:23:59,479
Speaker 1: feel better it's all the non physical true that we miss,

1880
01:23:59,479 --> 01:24:00,880
Speaker 1: and so we have to then ask the question, well,

1881
01:24:00,920 --> 01:24:03,680
Speaker 1: what is the non physical? Well, it really boils down

1882
01:24:03,680 --> 01:24:06,720
Speaker 1: to a couple of really major things. Number one, the

1883
01:24:06,840 --> 01:24:09,240
Speaker 1: needs somebody met in your life that we were used

1884
01:24:09,240 --> 01:24:11,320
Speaker 1: to them meeting. Maybe that person made you feel seen

1885
01:24:11,439 --> 01:24:13,639
Speaker 1: or heard, or loved or validated, and maybe they weren't

1886
01:24:13,640 --> 01:24:15,200
Speaker 1: even doing a good job because it led to the breakup.

1887
01:24:15,400 --> 01:24:16,760
Speaker 1: But if they met your need a three out of

1888
01:24:16,800 --> 01:24:19,160
Speaker 1: ten and you were meeting your need one out of

1889
01:24:19,160 --> 01:24:21,240
Speaker 1: ten to feel validated, you're going to keep going back

1890
01:24:21,240 --> 01:24:24,200
Speaker 1: for those breadcrumbs because you're starving. So the first part

1891
01:24:24,280 --> 01:24:27,280
Speaker 1: is that grief is the detachment we were used to

1892
01:24:27,320 --> 01:24:30,040
Speaker 1: having these needs met in our life. Suddenly the person's gone.

1893
01:24:30,080 --> 01:24:32,000
Speaker 1: They took our needs with them, and there's a void

1894
01:24:32,080 --> 01:24:33,880
Speaker 1: left behind. And that void is a big part of

1895
01:24:33,920 --> 01:24:38,000
Speaker 1: what we experience as grief. Step one. Number two grief,

1896
01:24:38,160 --> 01:24:40,479
Speaker 1: and this is a very sacred thing, I believe, But

1897
01:24:40,560 --> 01:24:44,439
Speaker 1: grief is also who we became around that person, the

1898
01:24:44,439 --> 01:24:46,080
Speaker 1: part of ourselves that we got to express. And I

1899
01:24:46,120 --> 01:24:48,759
Speaker 1: had times back in my practice when I was running

1900
01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:51,599
Speaker 1: my client practice before our online programs, where I'd work

1901
01:24:51,600 --> 01:24:53,720
Speaker 1: with people on loss. And I remember one time I

1902
01:24:53,720 --> 01:24:56,120
Speaker 1: worked with somebody on the loss of a child and

1903
01:24:56,200 --> 01:25:01,000
Speaker 1: it was a very tragic situation. And her really big

1904
01:25:01,080 --> 01:25:03,880
Speaker 1: breakthrough that led her to really start healing is she

1905
01:25:04,000 --> 01:25:06,479
Speaker 1: realized what she was grieving the most. Years later, when

1906
01:25:06,479 --> 01:25:08,120
Speaker 1: she came to me, she'd been grieving for years and

1907
01:25:08,200 --> 01:25:11,200
Speaker 1: wasn't really getting anywhere. She realized that what she missed

1908
01:25:11,240 --> 01:25:12,600
Speaker 1: the most was that she felt like she was a

1909
01:25:12,680 --> 01:25:16,360
Speaker 1: nurturer and a protector and a caretaker and a contributor

1910
01:25:16,680 --> 01:25:20,559
Speaker 1: and these really beautiful, sacred expressions of herself that she

1911
01:25:20,960 --> 01:25:22,880
Speaker 1: because she was going through that grief and then hadn't

1912
01:25:22,920 --> 01:25:25,080
Speaker 1: had another child again, she didn't feel like she had

1913
01:25:25,080 --> 01:25:28,080
Speaker 1: anywhere to express that or become that. And so you

1914
01:25:28,120 --> 01:25:30,519
Speaker 1: know what she ultimately did is then started this beautiful

1915
01:25:30,560 --> 01:25:32,920
Speaker 1: charity that helped kids in a similar situation, and that

1916
01:25:33,200 --> 01:25:36,679
Speaker 1: deeply healed her heart. And so grief is also when

1917
01:25:36,680 --> 01:25:39,160
Speaker 1: we lose somebody, we lose the aspects of ourselves that

1918
01:25:39,200 --> 01:25:41,840
Speaker 1: we got to express in their company. And so you know,

1919
01:25:41,880 --> 01:25:44,200
Speaker 1: those are two big pillars of grief. And then third

1920
01:25:44,240 --> 01:25:45,439
Speaker 1: is we have all these stories we say it was

1921
01:25:45,479 --> 01:25:47,120
Speaker 1: all my fault. I'm not good enough, you know, the

1922
01:25:47,120 --> 01:25:48,599
Speaker 1: backs of a poor wound. So that's a big part

1923
01:25:48,600 --> 01:25:50,680
Speaker 1: of rewiring it. But what I actually get people to

1924
01:25:50,720 --> 01:25:53,240
Speaker 1: do if they go through a breakup, and usually when

1925
01:25:53,280 --> 01:25:55,680
Speaker 1: people go through a breakup like that, it's because they

1926
01:25:55,720 --> 01:25:57,840
Speaker 1: tried to start doing the work when they already had

1927
01:25:57,840 --> 01:26:00,320
Speaker 1: too many resentments and they were already you know, half

1928
01:26:00,400 --> 01:26:02,720
Speaker 1: checked out. But if you go through that breakup, one

1929
01:26:02,760 --> 01:26:04,960
Speaker 1: of the fastest ways to truly heal great from a

1930
01:26:05,000 --> 01:26:07,320
Speaker 1: breakup is to write out what we're all of those

1931
01:26:07,360 --> 01:26:09,719
Speaker 1: needs this person met. I know, I have to start

1932
01:26:09,720 --> 01:26:11,679
Speaker 1: meeting those needs in myself and I have to start

1933
01:26:11,760 --> 01:26:13,639
Speaker 1: sell or I have to start resourcing them in healthy

1934
01:26:13,680 --> 01:26:16,479
Speaker 1: ways with healthy people in my life. And as we do,

1935
01:26:16,520 --> 01:26:18,439
Speaker 1: we fill up that void that was left behind from

1936
01:26:18,479 --> 01:26:20,880
Speaker 1: that person, and it heals our heart. It heals us deeply.

1937
01:26:20,920 --> 01:26:23,559
Speaker 1: And part of why people say time heals all wounds

1938
01:26:23,600 --> 01:26:27,960
Speaker 1: is because human beings are naturally adaptable, and in time

1939
01:26:28,400 --> 01:26:30,479
Speaker 1: they start to learn to resource their needs in other ways.

1940
01:26:30,520 --> 01:26:33,280
Speaker 1: It's not time doing that, it's our natural adaptiveness that's

1941
01:26:33,320 --> 01:26:35,320
Speaker 1: doing that for us. But we can fast track that

1942
01:26:35,360 --> 01:26:38,120
Speaker 1: process by being more unconscious and intentional about it. The

1943
01:26:38,160 --> 01:26:42,240
Speaker 1: secondary part of it is who were you? Who did

1944
01:26:42,280 --> 01:26:44,840
Speaker 1: you become when you had this loss, And a lot

1945
01:26:44,880 --> 01:26:47,920
Speaker 1: of times it's these beautiful things like I was a protector,

1946
01:26:47,960 --> 01:26:50,040
Speaker 1: I was a caretaker, I was a contributor. And when

1947
01:26:50,080 --> 01:26:52,439
Speaker 1: we look at who we became and we work to

1948
01:26:52,520 --> 01:26:55,559
Speaker 1: keep expressing those aspects of self, that is deeply healing

1949
01:26:55,560 --> 01:26:57,280
Speaker 1: for us as well. And that's a really good way

1950
01:26:57,280 --> 01:26:59,920
Speaker 1: to kick start moving through the breakup much more quickly.

1951
01:27:00,080 --> 01:27:02,000
Speaker 2: Do you ever truly get over someone?

1952
01:27:02,760 --> 01:27:05,479
Speaker 1: I very much believe that you do, And I think

1953
01:27:05,520 --> 01:27:08,880
Speaker 1: that there's times where you know people when we look

1954
01:27:08,920 --> 01:27:11,720
Speaker 1: at grief too, which is really interesting, is one of

1955
01:27:11,760 --> 01:27:15,680
Speaker 1: the ways that it's actually another step that we have

1956
01:27:15,760 --> 01:27:17,760
Speaker 1: for how to heal grief. It's funny because actually forgot

1957
01:27:17,760 --> 01:27:21,400
Speaker 1: about this one. Is sometimes when we feel like we

1958
01:27:21,520 --> 01:27:24,760
Speaker 1: lost somebody, there's this old saying that there's no such

1959
01:27:24,760 --> 01:27:27,000
Speaker 1: thing as gain or loss, it's only ever changing forms.

1960
01:27:27,760 --> 01:27:31,040
Speaker 1: And when I think of in more extreme forms of grief,

1961
01:27:31,040 --> 01:27:34,880
Speaker 1: even like the law, like a death of somebody, oftentimes

1962
01:27:35,000 --> 01:27:37,240
Speaker 1: yes they're not here in the physical form, but they're here,

1963
01:27:37,320 --> 01:27:39,120
Speaker 1: and you know, we can meet those needs and we

1964
01:27:39,160 --> 01:27:41,120
Speaker 1: can become that expression of ourselves. But a lot of

1965
01:27:41,160 --> 01:27:46,000
Speaker 1: times they're still within you in their conditioning that they

1966
01:27:46,040 --> 01:27:48,760
Speaker 1: imprinted or impressed upon you. In other words, you know,

1967
01:27:48,760 --> 01:27:51,280
Speaker 1: if it's the loss of a parent, you know, sometimes

1968
01:27:51,280 --> 01:27:53,400
Speaker 1: there it gets people to sit down around losses like

1969
01:27:53,400 --> 01:27:55,519
Speaker 1: that and they say, okay, what was your father?

1970
01:27:56,040 --> 01:27:56,200
Speaker 3: Oh?

1971
01:27:56,200 --> 01:27:59,640
Speaker 1: My father was a protector. He was strong, he was assertive,

1972
01:27:59,680 --> 01:28:02,800
Speaker 1: he thought five steps ahead. Where did you become that?

1973
01:28:03,439 --> 01:28:05,320
Speaker 1: And what's really beautiful is when people sit down and

1974
01:28:05,320 --> 01:28:07,040
Speaker 1: they do that. They a lot of times you hear

1975
01:28:07,040 --> 01:28:09,280
Speaker 1: people say things like, oh my god, my father's like

1976
01:28:09,360 --> 01:28:11,720
Speaker 1: here as a part of me. And so I think

1977
01:28:11,720 --> 01:28:13,519
Speaker 1: that we can truly move through a point where we

1978
01:28:13,560 --> 01:28:17,080
Speaker 1: get over the grief in terms of the suffering. And

1979
01:28:17,120 --> 01:28:19,000
Speaker 1: there's this old thing that grief is love with nowhere

1980
01:28:19,000 --> 01:28:21,840
Speaker 1: to go. And I think that when we don't know

1981
01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:23,280
Speaker 1: where to put the love because we don't know how

1982
01:28:23,320 --> 01:28:25,080
Speaker 1: to express that part of ourselves, or we don't know

1983
01:28:25,120 --> 01:28:27,320
Speaker 1: how to get the needs met, or we don't recognize

1984
01:28:27,320 --> 01:28:29,680
Speaker 1: that that person they're with us in all of these

1985
01:28:29,680 --> 01:28:32,200
Speaker 1: non physical ways, then it feels like it's very hard

1986
01:28:32,200 --> 01:28:34,000
Speaker 1: to get over somebody. But I think when we start

1987
01:28:34,040 --> 01:28:36,400
Speaker 1: to actually move through those steps in terms of how

1988
01:28:36,439 --> 01:28:39,120
Speaker 1: we process grief, we kind of feel this connection to

1989
01:28:39,120 --> 01:28:41,479
Speaker 1: somebody in our heart and we get over the deep mourning,

1990
01:28:41,520 --> 01:28:44,240
Speaker 1: the deep grieving, and sometimes we'll miss the person still,

1991
01:28:44,360 --> 01:28:46,240
Speaker 1: or sometimes we'll feel that care for people we love

1992
01:28:46,280 --> 01:28:49,000
Speaker 1: so deeply, but it doesn't have to be this painful

1993
01:28:49,080 --> 01:28:50,920
Speaker 1: relationship that we have to that person.

1994
01:28:51,280 --> 01:28:54,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, should you feel one hundred percent sure about your partner?

1995
01:28:55,680 --> 01:28:59,880
Speaker 1: Oh? Good question. These are good questions. I love these things. Okay,

1996
01:28:59,680 --> 01:29:02,320
Speaker 1: So the answer is I would say one hundred percent.

1997
01:29:02,360 --> 01:29:05,000
Speaker 1: It's a little bit of a fallacy. I would say

1998
01:29:05,000 --> 01:29:07,800
Speaker 1: that we should feel highly certain. But it's almost like

1999
01:29:07,840 --> 01:29:09,800
Speaker 1: when people say, and I hear this all the time,

2000
01:29:10,160 --> 01:29:12,320
Speaker 1: are you one hundred percent ready to have kids? You're like,

2001
01:29:12,320 --> 01:29:14,200
Speaker 1: nobody's ever one hundred percent ready for me? Are you

2002
01:29:14,200 --> 01:29:16,479
Speaker 1: one hundred percent ready to take that new job, to

2003
01:29:16,560 --> 01:29:18,639
Speaker 1: move across the country to You're never going to feel

2004
01:29:18,640 --> 01:29:20,920
Speaker 1: one hundred percent ready, But there should be a high

2005
01:29:21,040 --> 01:29:24,160
Speaker 1: enough degree of certainty where you feel like, hey, this

2006
01:29:24,200 --> 01:29:26,120
Speaker 1: is me falling my hard or taking that leap of faith,

2007
01:29:26,160 --> 01:29:29,160
Speaker 1: and that bridge in that leap of faith shouldn't feel

2008
01:29:29,160 --> 01:29:30,720
Speaker 1: like the bridge is like something you can't surmount or

2009
01:29:30,760 --> 01:29:32,600
Speaker 1: jump over. It should feel like Okay, I'm going to

2010
01:29:32,640 --> 01:29:34,479
Speaker 1: take that small leap of faith and there's a smaller

2011
01:29:34,520 --> 01:29:35,000
Speaker 1: gap there.

2012
01:29:35,479 --> 01:29:37,800
Speaker 2: That's a good answer. Yeah, it's I agree with you.

2013
01:29:37,840 --> 01:29:40,879
Speaker 2: I don't think there's one hundred percent surety. If anything,

2014
01:29:40,960 --> 01:29:44,160
Speaker 2: that surety gets stronger than more time you spend with someone.

2015
01:29:44,400 --> 01:29:47,040
Speaker 2: And I think that's partly the challenge that a lot

2016
01:29:47,040 --> 01:29:49,360
Speaker 2: of these things are only tried and tested and proven

2017
01:29:49,400 --> 01:29:52,600
Speaker 2: over time because there is no substitute for time in

2018
01:29:52,600 --> 01:29:56,840
Speaker 2: a relationship because people change, people grow, people evolve. You change,

2019
01:29:56,880 --> 01:30:01,960
Speaker 2: you grow, you evolve, And it's it's really crazy to

2020
01:30:02,000 --> 01:30:04,599
Speaker 2: think when you say on your wedding day, like you

2021
01:30:04,600 --> 01:30:08,519
Speaker 2: know till death do us apart the idea that you

2022
01:30:08,640 --> 01:30:11,080
Speaker 2: don't really even know what life's going to look like,

2023
01:30:11,720 --> 01:30:16,200
Speaker 2: and so there is a big risk in that commitment

2024
01:30:16,720 --> 01:30:18,920
Speaker 2: because you don't even know the version of the person

2025
01:30:18,960 --> 01:30:21,320
Speaker 2: that you're going to have to be with in like five, ten, fifteen,

2026
01:30:21,320 --> 01:30:22,160
Speaker 2: twenty years.

2027
01:30:22,520 --> 01:30:25,639
Speaker 1: That used to be my biggest fear in relationships, and

2028
01:30:26,560 --> 01:30:29,679
Speaker 1: this is something that really is true, like runs deep

2029
01:30:29,680 --> 01:30:32,000
Speaker 1: to my heart. I always used to be like, how

2030
01:30:32,000 --> 01:30:34,360
Speaker 1: can you ever know that you trust them?

2031
01:30:34,400 --> 01:30:34,599
Speaker 3: Now?

2032
01:30:34,640 --> 01:30:35,160
Speaker 1: You love them?

2033
01:30:35,200 --> 01:30:35,320
Speaker 3: Now?

2034
01:30:35,320 --> 01:30:36,680
Speaker 1: How can you know you won't change? Your mind or

2035
01:30:36,680 --> 01:30:38,240
Speaker 1: they won't change their mind. And it was always this

2036
01:30:38,280 --> 01:30:41,879
Speaker 1: big fear. And earlier I mentioned those cycles of relationships dating, honeymoon,

2037
01:30:41,960 --> 01:30:46,680
Speaker 1: power struggle stage, then we have the rhythm stage, commitment, blissage.

2038
01:30:46,800 --> 01:30:48,400
Speaker 1: And what I actually found over and over again and

2039
01:30:48,439 --> 01:30:50,920
Speaker 1: I experienced is so deeply firsthand. And this is actually

2040
01:30:50,960 --> 01:30:53,720
Speaker 1: something I'd want people so deeply to know and understand,

2041
01:30:54,080 --> 01:30:55,439
Speaker 1: because I know there's gonna be a lot of people

2042
01:30:55,479 --> 01:30:58,880
Speaker 1: like me who really struggle at points in relationships early on.

2043
01:30:59,000 --> 01:31:03,280
Speaker 1: And I had only ever done relationships in dating honeymoon,

2044
01:31:03,320 --> 01:31:07,040
Speaker 1: power struggle, breakup, date again, dating honeymoon, power struggle, breakup.

2045
01:31:07,080 --> 01:31:09,719
Speaker 1: So you think that relationships are just infatuation or pain.

2046
01:31:10,439 --> 01:31:13,920
Speaker 1: And what I learned exactly to your point, is that

2047
01:31:14,200 --> 01:31:18,040
Speaker 1: real love is built in the power struggle stage the most,

2048
01:31:18,120 --> 01:31:20,240
Speaker 1: because we drop the mask we're not in our best behavior,

2049
01:31:20,560 --> 01:31:22,240
Speaker 1: and you learn to work through things. And the power

2050
01:31:22,280 --> 01:31:26,519
Speaker 1: struggle is this opportunity. It's this crisis, but it's also

2051
01:31:26,520 --> 01:31:30,400
Speaker 1: this opportunity to start saying, hey, this is what's come

2052
01:31:30,479 --> 01:31:32,480
Speaker 1: up for me, this is what I need in these situations,

2053
01:31:32,479 --> 01:31:34,960
Speaker 1: this is what I'm feeling, Hey, this is sensitive for me.

2054
01:31:35,080 --> 01:31:37,560
Speaker 1: That's a pain point for me, can you be more mindful?

2055
01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:40,400
Speaker 1: And I believe that we really move the needle from

2056
01:31:40,400 --> 01:31:44,400
Speaker 1: more conditionally based love to more unconditionally based love through

2057
01:31:44,439 --> 01:31:47,160
Speaker 1: having those deeper conversations, through doing that work, and then

2058
01:31:47,200 --> 01:31:49,320
Speaker 1: we deep and it's almost like in the early stages,

2059
01:31:49,360 --> 01:31:51,599
Speaker 1: you have this really pretty sapling, like this really nice

2060
01:31:51,600 --> 01:31:53,960
Speaker 1: little tree, but a windstorm can take it out because

2061
01:31:53,960 --> 01:31:56,960
Speaker 1: it's so fragile. But when we have those meaningful conversations

2062
01:31:57,000 --> 01:31:59,280
Speaker 1: again and again and we build and we grow, and

2063
01:31:59,280 --> 01:32:01,599
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden and you know your partners,

2064
01:32:01,800 --> 01:32:03,760
Speaker 1: you know biggest pain points, and you're mindful of them,

2065
01:32:03,760 --> 01:32:05,680
Speaker 1: and you know when somebody else hit them and you're

2066
01:32:05,720 --> 01:32:07,960
Speaker 1: there to show up for them and caretake for them

2067
01:32:08,000 --> 01:32:09,920
Speaker 1: and be sensitive to them and that and they're that

2068
01:32:10,000 --> 01:32:12,920
Speaker 1: for you too. Now you deepen roots and love in

2069
01:32:13,000 --> 01:32:15,960
Speaker 1: such a different way where those ideas of like, oh

2070
01:32:16,040 --> 01:32:17,920
Speaker 1: what if somebody else came along and one of us changed,

2071
01:32:18,240 --> 01:32:21,519
Speaker 1: you know that it's such a silly thing. And I

2072
01:32:21,560 --> 01:32:24,120
Speaker 1: could never conceive of that at one point in my

2073
01:32:24,280 --> 01:32:26,680
Speaker 1: life because I had so many wounds around relationships and

2074
01:32:26,760 --> 01:32:29,960
Speaker 1: so many fears. And it's only through that beauty of

2075
01:32:30,040 --> 01:32:32,759
Speaker 1: like having those conversations and doing the work and deepening

2076
01:32:32,760 --> 01:32:35,280
Speaker 1: that connection in such a real way that then like

2077
01:32:35,360 --> 01:32:38,240
Speaker 1: some silly, frivolous thing, that oh, something attractive could come

2078
01:32:38,280 --> 01:32:40,400
Speaker 1: along and you could change it. Like it seems so

2079
01:32:40,560 --> 01:32:42,960
Speaker 1: almost like you know, like silly, like you can laugh

2080
01:32:43,000 --> 01:32:45,960
Speaker 1: at it after a while. But that's because I think

2081
01:32:46,000 --> 01:32:47,519
Speaker 1: the real work isn't that you're going to be one

2082
01:32:47,560 --> 01:32:49,600
Speaker 1: hundred percent sure. It's that you build that hundred or

2083
01:32:49,640 --> 01:32:52,439
Speaker 1: close to one hundred percent certainty through all of those

2084
01:32:52,439 --> 01:32:55,080
Speaker 1: meaningful conversations that you're building over time. And I really

2085
01:32:55,120 --> 01:32:58,479
Speaker 1: believe love isn't just given. I think love has really grown,

2086
01:32:58,520 --> 01:33:00,120
Speaker 1: and I think that's part of what allows us to

2087
01:33:00,439 --> 01:33:01,439
Speaker 1: foster that with people.

2088
01:33:01,760 --> 01:33:04,160
Speaker 2: I agree with you. I was having this conversation with

2089
01:33:04,200 --> 01:33:08,360
Speaker 2: someone that life would be in one what you just explained.

2090
01:33:08,400 --> 01:33:12,680
Speaker 2: Life would be somewhat more entertaining if you went from

2091
01:33:13,200 --> 01:33:16,160
Speaker 2: dating to honeymoon and then broke at the power struggle

2092
01:33:16,160 --> 01:33:18,320
Speaker 2: and just kept doing that circle again because you keep

2093
01:33:18,320 --> 01:33:22,120
Speaker 2: getting this honeymoon period. But the honeymoon period requires no growth,

2094
01:33:22,960 --> 01:33:26,960
Speaker 2: and the growth over time is what allows you to

2095
01:33:27,000 --> 01:33:31,400
Speaker 2: realize the value of any relationship. And when I wrote

2096
01:33:31,439 --> 01:33:34,559
Speaker 2: my second book, Aprils, of love. It was all based

2097
01:33:34,600 --> 01:33:37,800
Speaker 2: on the Eastern teachings, which is every stage of life

2098
01:33:38,200 --> 01:33:41,880
Speaker 2: is called an ushram, and an usherm by definition, is

2099
01:33:41,920 --> 01:33:45,080
Speaker 2: a place of growth, and so being on your own

2100
01:33:45,280 --> 01:33:47,439
Speaker 2: is an ushroom, and then being with a partner is

2101
01:33:47,479 --> 01:33:50,599
Speaker 2: an ushrom, and the ushroom is a place of growth,

2102
01:33:50,600 --> 01:33:54,080
Speaker 2: a place of evolution. And so I think our views

2103
01:33:54,080 --> 01:33:58,200
Speaker 2: of love have been so warped by just happiness or

2104
01:33:58,360 --> 01:34:02,000
Speaker 2: pleasure that you forget that the greatest joy a human

2105
01:34:02,040 --> 01:34:05,320
Speaker 2: can feel is the challenge. And ultimately you're choosing someone

2106
01:34:05,360 --> 01:34:07,760
Speaker 2: that you like to be challenged by, that likes to

2107
01:34:07,760 --> 01:34:11,080
Speaker 2: be challenged by you, and where the challenge becomes enjoyable

2108
01:34:11,120 --> 01:34:15,000
Speaker 2: and joyful as opposed to the challenge being exhausting and

2109
01:34:15,080 --> 01:34:20,200
Speaker 2: tiring and painful. Absolutely right, that's at least what's resonated

2110
01:34:20,200 --> 01:34:20,439
Speaker 2: with me.

2111
01:34:20,720 --> 01:34:21,679
Speaker 1: That's so beautiful.

2112
01:34:21,680 --> 01:34:22,120
Speaker 2: I love that.

2113
01:34:22,200 --> 01:34:24,559
Speaker 1: I love that idea too, that like, the relationship is

2114
01:34:24,560 --> 01:34:26,160
Speaker 1: the ushroom and sort of like we were talking about,

2115
01:34:26,200 --> 01:34:28,320
Speaker 1: like yeah, really that One of my favorite quotes that

2116
01:34:28,360 --> 01:34:30,679
Speaker 1: reminds me of this is from Roomy and Roomy says

2117
01:34:30,720 --> 01:34:32,840
Speaker 1: if I am irritated by every rub, how will I

2118
01:34:32,840 --> 01:34:35,719
Speaker 1: ever be polished? And it's this idea that like everything

2119
01:34:35,720 --> 01:34:37,760
Speaker 1: I think, we so were so quick to jump to

2120
01:34:37,800 --> 01:34:40,080
Speaker 1: the conclusion that the hard things or the painful things

2121
01:34:40,560 --> 01:34:42,840
Speaker 1: are things that oh no, like this shouldn't be happening.

2122
01:34:42,840 --> 01:34:45,240
Speaker 1: Why is this happening to me? But I actually believe

2123
01:34:45,400 --> 01:34:48,160
Speaker 1: then this is actually again I'm going to throw a

2124
01:34:48,200 --> 01:34:50,080
Speaker 1: lot of this work on myself first, but I remember

2125
01:34:50,439 --> 01:34:53,280
Speaker 1: being so scared to see people in pain. I couldn't

2126
01:34:53,280 --> 01:34:55,000
Speaker 1: handle it as a little codependent and somebody to be

2127
01:34:55,040 --> 01:34:56,400
Speaker 1: in pain I wanted to like because it for them

2128
01:34:56,479 --> 01:35:00,000
Speaker 1: right now. Yeah, And when I really started to reflect,

2129
01:35:00,160 --> 01:35:02,400
Speaker 1: they did this exercise once and I went and looked

2130
01:35:02,400 --> 01:35:04,040
Speaker 1: at the hardest times of my life. I wrote them

2131
01:35:04,040 --> 01:35:06,360
Speaker 1: all on paper, like the big ones, the really hard ones, individually,

2132
01:35:07,240 --> 01:35:10,439
Speaker 1: and I went through and I looked at, Okay, what

2133
01:35:10,479 --> 01:35:13,120
Speaker 1: did this give me? What was the hidden gift? And

2134
01:35:13,160 --> 01:35:14,680
Speaker 1: how did this serve me? How did this grow me?

2135
01:35:14,720 --> 01:35:17,280
Speaker 1: What did I learn? And oh, my goodness, by the

2136
01:35:17,400 --> 01:35:20,200
Speaker 1: end of that, I was like tears of like relief

2137
01:35:20,360 --> 01:35:23,040
Speaker 1: and gratitude because I noticed that in every really hard

2138
01:35:23,080 --> 01:35:26,920
Speaker 1: time there was this like invaluable lesson that I learned.

2139
01:35:26,920 --> 01:35:28,960
Speaker 1: And I really believe that God puts on our path

2140
01:35:29,000 --> 01:35:30,880
Speaker 1: for a reason, and I was able to go, oh

2141
01:35:30,920 --> 01:35:33,240
Speaker 1: my gosh, Like there was a time where I was

2142
01:35:33,280 --> 01:35:35,880
Speaker 1: going through and trying to get sober, and I tried

2143
01:35:35,920 --> 01:35:37,760
Speaker 1: to reach out to people and I really didn't get

2144
01:35:37,760 --> 01:35:40,000
Speaker 1: the support that I needed at that time. And also

2145
01:35:40,040 --> 01:35:42,200
Speaker 1: because I was difficult at that time of my life too,

2146
01:35:42,200 --> 01:35:45,760
Speaker 1: I understand why. And it was so painful for me

2147
01:35:45,800 --> 01:35:47,400
Speaker 1: at the time, and I thought like I'll never get

2148
01:35:47,439 --> 01:35:49,559
Speaker 1: over it, And it was so healing for me to realize,

2149
01:35:49,600 --> 01:35:52,640
Speaker 1: like because I didn't go looking outside of myself for

2150
01:35:52,720 --> 01:35:56,519
Speaker 1: something in those moments that brought me into relationship to myself,

2151
01:35:56,560 --> 01:35:58,800
Speaker 1: into relationship to God. I felt like I really found

2152
01:35:58,800 --> 01:36:01,599
Speaker 1: a relationship to in those moments and through those times,

2153
01:36:02,040 --> 01:36:04,559
Speaker 1: and it was like, how could you ever want something

2154
01:36:04,560 --> 01:36:06,640
Speaker 1: other than that? Like how could like thank God that

2155
01:36:06,680 --> 01:36:08,360
Speaker 1: I went through that, and it was like this really

2156
01:36:08,400 --> 01:36:10,400
Speaker 1: big relief. And so I think sometimes we were so

2157
01:36:10,479 --> 01:36:12,759
Speaker 1: quick to think pain shouldn't be happening, bad thing shouldn't

2158
01:36:12,800 --> 01:36:15,160
Speaker 1: be happening, things in relationships should just be easy all

2159
01:36:15,200 --> 01:36:17,160
Speaker 1: the time. But it's like sometimes pain is the greatest

2160
01:36:17,160 --> 01:36:19,960
Speaker 1: teacher and actually presents to us if we are willing

2161
01:36:20,000 --> 01:36:22,680
Speaker 1: to look and find those things. The greatest gifts in

2162
01:36:22,720 --> 01:36:24,280
Speaker 1: what's going to grow us in that next season of

2163
01:36:24,320 --> 01:36:24,799
Speaker 1: our lives?

2164
01:36:25,080 --> 01:36:27,800
Speaker 2: Well said, Tase, we want to play this game with

2165
01:36:27,920 --> 01:36:31,760
Speaker 2: you called this or That Relationship Edition. So we're going

2166
01:36:31,840 --> 01:36:35,040
Speaker 2: to ask you this or that. Let you choose. So Tayse,

2167
01:36:35,560 --> 01:36:38,559
Speaker 2: slow things down to match their pace, even if you

2168
01:36:38,640 --> 01:36:42,719
Speaker 2: want more, or move on, to honor your timeline, even

2169
01:36:42,720 --> 01:36:43,960
Speaker 2: if it means losing them.

2170
01:36:44,680 --> 01:36:46,479
Speaker 1: I'm scared all my answers are going to be like

2171
01:36:46,720 --> 01:36:49,479
Speaker 1: communicate and find the middle ground. But I would say,

2172
01:36:49,560 --> 01:36:52,920
Speaker 1: for sure, be honest, be upfront, tell somebody what your

2173
01:36:53,000 --> 01:36:56,000
Speaker 1: timeline is, stand in your truth, be really authentic, and

2174
01:36:56,080 --> 01:36:59,240
Speaker 1: if somebody is unwilling to move and meet you parway,

2175
01:36:59,320 --> 01:37:01,680
Speaker 1: then you have to yourself and keep it moving. And

2176
01:37:01,680 --> 01:37:04,479
Speaker 1: I often found I know these are probably supposed to

2177
01:37:04,479 --> 01:37:09,880
Speaker 1: be quick questions, but I've often found that people who

2178
01:37:09,960 --> 01:37:11,720
Speaker 1: are anxious think, oh, I'll just slow down to win

2179
01:37:11,760 --> 01:37:14,120
Speaker 1: them over. Doesn't work like that, never works like that.

2180
01:37:14,200 --> 01:37:15,920
Speaker 1: What you do is you honor your truth, you speak

2181
01:37:15,960 --> 01:37:17,960
Speaker 1: your needs, you stand in it, and you let that

2182
01:37:18,000 --> 01:37:20,439
Speaker 1: person either grow and move towards or you don't. And

2183
01:37:20,600 --> 01:37:23,320
Speaker 1: usually if you're into people pleasing, it's the self betrayal,

2184
01:37:23,360 --> 01:37:25,599
Speaker 1: and then that feeds back into the subconscious comfort zone.

2185
01:37:25,640 --> 01:37:26,679
Speaker 1: It just never works that way.

2186
01:37:27,000 --> 01:37:30,559
Speaker 2: Absolutely, okay, cool, next one, stay with someone who feels

2187
01:37:30,560 --> 01:37:34,439
Speaker 2: safe but doesn't excite you, or choose someone who excites

2188
01:37:34,479 --> 01:37:35,880
Speaker 2: you but keeps you on edge.

2189
01:37:36,160 --> 01:37:38,040
Speaker 1: I would say stay with the person who feel safe

2190
01:37:38,080 --> 01:37:40,439
Speaker 1: because it's more green flags. But then build things that

2191
01:37:40,520 --> 01:37:43,439
Speaker 1: create mutual excitement into your relationship. So it's actually one

2192
01:37:43,479 --> 01:37:45,920
Speaker 1: of the ways it's the right of passage to get

2193
01:37:45,920 --> 01:37:48,160
Speaker 1: out of the rhythm stage and into the future stages

2194
01:37:48,160 --> 01:37:50,800
Speaker 1: of relationship is if you feel like there's a sense

2195
01:37:50,840 --> 01:37:53,320
Speaker 1: of safety but not enough excitement, then you have to

2196
01:37:53,320 --> 01:37:56,479
Speaker 1: build novelty into the relationship, spontaneity, things that make you

2197
01:37:56,479 --> 01:37:58,920
Speaker 1: feel that sense of chemistry and connection. So safety is

2198
01:37:59,000 --> 01:38:01,720
Speaker 1: really healthy and good, but then build those things in

2199
01:38:01,800 --> 01:38:03,320
Speaker 1: that keep that that sparkle live.

2200
01:38:03,800 --> 01:38:08,080
Speaker 2: It's easier to add excitement to a safe relationship than

2201
01:38:08,120 --> 01:38:11,400
Speaker 2: it is to build safety in an exciting relationship.

2202
01:38:11,680 --> 01:38:13,160
Speaker 1: That makes beautifully right.

2203
01:38:13,400 --> 01:38:17,240
Speaker 2: And it's like we we think that, oh, if something's exciting, oh,

2204
01:38:17,280 --> 01:38:18,680
Speaker 2: I can make this film more safe. I can make

2205
01:38:18,720 --> 01:38:21,400
Speaker 2: this film more secure. But that's a much harder thing

2206
01:38:21,479 --> 01:38:24,200
Speaker 2: to develop from that foundation than the other.

2207
01:38:24,080 --> 01:38:27,360
Speaker 1: Way around, and like caveat being that you have to

2208
01:38:27,360 --> 01:38:30,840
Speaker 1: actually feel attracted as the person the person. I can

2209
01:38:30,880 --> 01:38:32,920
Speaker 1: see some people being like, oh so I should say

2210
01:38:32,920 --> 01:38:34,760
Speaker 1: with the person I'm not interested in no way, But like,

2211
01:38:35,080 --> 01:38:37,439
Speaker 1: the reality is exactly what you said, And sometimes the

2212
01:38:37,840 --> 01:38:40,680
Speaker 1: constantly on edge is for really painful reasons, especially if

2213
01:38:40,680 --> 01:38:42,160
Speaker 1: the other person's are going to be willing to do

2214
01:38:42,160 --> 01:38:42,720
Speaker 1: the work with you.

2215
01:38:43,439 --> 01:38:48,000
Speaker 2: Okay, next one, build stability slowly with someone dependable, or

2216
01:38:48,080 --> 01:38:54,879
Speaker 2: follow instant chemistry and risk the uncertainty.

2217
01:38:52,720 --> 01:38:55,479
Speaker 1: Build you know' id actually almost go and reverse on

2218
01:38:55,560 --> 01:38:58,320
Speaker 1: that one. I would say follow the chemistry as long

2219
01:38:58,360 --> 01:39:00,879
Speaker 1: as you're going to do the work on it. Chemistry

2220
01:39:00,920 --> 01:39:03,479
Speaker 1: tells us a lot about ourselves those times you get

2221
01:39:03,520 --> 01:39:07,000
Speaker 1: those really exciting like connections and that like oh my gosh.

2222
01:39:07,160 --> 01:39:10,160
Speaker 1: That is always we have limreents or intense infatuation for

2223
01:39:10,200 --> 01:39:13,479
Speaker 1: three reasons. Number one, somebody's expressing your repress trates, like

2224
01:39:13,479 --> 01:39:16,519
Speaker 1: we talked about, do that integration work. Number two, somebody

2225
01:39:16,560 --> 01:39:19,280
Speaker 1: is meeting your deeply unmet needs from childhood. That'll be

2226
01:39:19,320 --> 01:39:21,360
Speaker 1: the spark early, and then it'll be the thing that

2227
01:39:21,360 --> 01:39:24,160
Speaker 1: pressures the relationship later because you're trying to just source

2228
01:39:24,200 --> 01:39:26,479
Speaker 1: from them, So do that work to really build those

2229
01:39:26,520 --> 01:39:28,799
Speaker 1: It's sort of this key that unlocked all this awareness

2230
01:39:28,800 --> 01:39:30,840
Speaker 1: and to yourself. And then the third thing is how

2231
01:39:30,880 --> 01:39:33,040
Speaker 1: somebody's you know, treating you. If it's how you treat yourself,

2232
01:39:33,040 --> 01:39:34,360
Speaker 1: we got to work that out. So I would say,

2233
01:39:34,600 --> 01:39:38,080
Speaker 1: follow the excitement, but vet that somebody is going to

2234
01:39:38,080 --> 01:39:39,520
Speaker 1: do the work with you, not negotiably.

2235
01:39:39,920 --> 01:39:45,040
Speaker 2: Yes, getting closure from yourself or closure from your ex

2236
01:39:45,160 --> 01:39:46,480
Speaker 2: after a breakup.

2237
01:39:46,080 --> 01:39:51,000
Speaker 1: From self, through and through, because what you're looking for

2238
01:39:51,080 --> 01:39:53,920
Speaker 1: is needs from that person who often can't supply them anyways.

2239
01:39:54,320 --> 01:39:57,639
Speaker 1: And closure. When people break down, closure, closure, they're actually

2240
01:39:57,640 --> 01:40:01,040
Speaker 1: looking for certainty. Okay, the best way to get certainty

2241
01:40:01,040 --> 01:40:02,599
Speaker 1: is to question all of your stories that you're telling

2242
01:40:02,640 --> 01:40:04,320
Speaker 1: after the breakup. So people want the certainty of their

2243
01:40:04,400 --> 01:40:07,000
Speaker 1: act saying, oh, it wasn't all your fault, it was

2244
01:40:07,040 --> 01:40:08,400
Speaker 1: this and this and it was me. They want to

2245
01:40:08,439 --> 01:40:10,160
Speaker 1: hear all those details. You know, what you're gonna do

2246
01:40:10,280 --> 01:40:11,920
Speaker 1: is you're gonna sit down and write all your stories

2247
01:40:11,920 --> 01:40:14,519
Speaker 1: on paper. It was all my fault, I wasn't good enough,

2248
01:40:14,560 --> 01:40:16,720
Speaker 1: I'm unlovable. You're gonna put all those things and you're

2249
01:40:16,720 --> 01:40:19,080
Speaker 1: gonna sit there and you're gonna question them and you say, really,

2250
01:40:19,080 --> 01:40:20,880
Speaker 1: I wasn't good enough? How was I got enough? How

2251
01:40:20,920 --> 01:40:23,160
Speaker 1: did I show up? I'm not lovable? How am I lovable?

2252
01:40:23,200 --> 01:40:25,400
Speaker 1: And you're going to honor those things. And that's those

2253
01:40:25,400 --> 01:40:26,720
Speaker 1: things that we're trying to get from your exsor neck

2254
01:40:26,720 --> 01:40:27,880
Speaker 1: that your ACX is never going to give them to

2255
01:40:27,960 --> 01:40:29,680
Speaker 1: the way that you need, but you can give them

2256
01:40:29,720 --> 01:40:31,800
Speaker 1: to yourself in that way, and that's healing and its

2257
01:40:31,840 --> 01:40:33,720
Speaker 1: growth and you have a sense of control over it

2258
01:40:33,720 --> 01:40:34,280
Speaker 1: and I help you way.

2259
01:40:36,680 --> 01:40:39,000
Speaker 2: It's been incredible talking to you today. I feel like

2260
01:40:39,040 --> 01:40:42,360
Speaker 2: I've learned so much. I truly believe you've given me

2261
01:40:42,600 --> 01:40:46,000
Speaker 2: the book, the podcast, and the program to recommend to

2262
01:40:46,720 --> 01:40:48,600
Speaker 2: all of my friends that are struggling in love and

2263
01:40:48,640 --> 01:40:51,840
Speaker 2: dating in relationships right now, because I don't think I've

2264
01:40:51,920 --> 01:40:57,120
Speaker 2: heard a stronger foundational way that people can actually engage

2265
01:40:57,120 --> 01:41:01,120
Speaker 2: and interact with each other. The framework so much gravitas,

2266
01:41:01,160 --> 01:41:03,720
Speaker 2: but the way you've built the program to be so

2267
01:41:04,400 --> 01:41:08,800
Speaker 2: simple and specific, feels so practical and tactical and easy

2268
01:41:08,840 --> 01:41:12,480
Speaker 2: to do for people. It's truly remarkable. Congratulations, Like it's

2269
01:41:12,520 --> 01:41:16,400
Speaker 2: really fulfilling hearing that I have something to give for

2270
01:41:16,439 --> 01:41:18,400
Speaker 2: people that I you know that I want to help.

2271
01:41:18,960 --> 01:41:21,599
Speaker 2: We end every on Purpose episode with a final five.

2272
01:41:22,080 --> 01:41:25,080
Speaker 2: These questions have to be answered in one sentence maximum,

2273
01:41:25,320 --> 01:41:27,920
Speaker 2: So Teddy Skipson, these are your final five. The first

2274
01:41:28,000 --> 01:41:30,800
Speaker 2: question is what is the best love advice you've ever

2275
01:41:30,840 --> 01:41:31,639
Speaker 2: heard or received?

2276
01:41:32,080 --> 01:41:35,320
Speaker 1: To learn to be compassionate towards yourself and gentle towards yourself.

2277
01:41:35,920 --> 01:41:39,120
Speaker 2: Second question, what is the worst love advice you've ever

2278
01:41:39,120 --> 01:41:39,920
Speaker 2: heard or received?

2279
01:41:40,040 --> 01:41:41,880
Speaker 1: To try to change other people if they're not willing

2280
01:41:41,920 --> 01:41:42,519
Speaker 1: to do the work?

2281
01:41:42,880 --> 01:41:44,400
Speaker 2: Can you ever change someone?

2282
01:41:44,640 --> 01:41:44,680
Speaker 3: No?

2283
01:41:45,240 --> 01:41:48,160
Speaker 1: People can choose to change themselves, but you can only

2284
01:41:48,200 --> 01:41:51,000
Speaker 1: show up and lead by example. And that how somebody

2285
01:41:51,000 --> 01:41:53,080
Speaker 1: else responds Question number three?

2286
01:41:53,320 --> 01:41:55,080
Speaker 2: A couple here ates that I really wanted to get

2287
01:41:55,120 --> 01:42:01,160
Speaker 2: to So question number three, what does this really mean?

2288
01:42:01,200 --> 01:42:01,759
Speaker 2: In dating?

2289
01:42:03,840 --> 01:42:08,280
Speaker 1: The spark really means that somebody is the expression of

2290
01:42:08,320 --> 01:42:10,960
Speaker 1: your repressed traits, needing your deeply on that needs, or

2291
01:42:11,000 --> 01:42:12,960
Speaker 1: mirroring back to you. How you treat yourself when people

2292
01:42:12,960 --> 01:42:13,839
Speaker 1: have extreme sparks?

2293
01:42:13,840 --> 01:42:18,120
Speaker 2: It's always that good answer. Question number four? How do

2294
01:42:18,240 --> 01:42:21,920
Speaker 2: people unintentionally push away the love they want most?

2295
01:42:22,479 --> 01:42:26,840
Speaker 1: Because people end up trying to make somebody the person

2296
01:42:26,880 --> 01:42:29,400
Speaker 1: who's going to fill it all for them, complete them,

2297
01:42:29,439 --> 01:42:32,240
Speaker 1: do it all for them, when really we're supposed to

2298
01:42:32,240 --> 01:42:35,000
Speaker 1: do half that job for ourselves too. Otherwise we can't

2299
01:42:35,000 --> 01:42:36,880
Speaker 1: receive it properly from anybody, and we to put too

2300
01:42:36,920 --> 01:42:37,400
Speaker 1: much pressure.

2301
01:42:37,640 --> 01:42:39,439
Speaker 2: And fifth and final question, we asked this to every

2302
01:42:39,439 --> 01:42:41,679
Speaker 2: guest who's ever been on the show. If you could

2303
01:42:41,680 --> 01:42:44,559
Speaker 2: create one law that everyone in the world had to follow,

2304
01:42:44,760 --> 01:42:45,360
Speaker 2: what would it be.

2305
01:42:45,840 --> 01:42:49,320
Speaker 1: It would be for people to learn about their own

2306
01:42:49,360 --> 01:42:53,080
Speaker 1: subconscious conditioning and how to rewire it, because unless we

2307
01:42:53,200 --> 01:42:56,160
Speaker 1: deal with things at the subconscious level, we'll always set

2308
01:42:56,200 --> 01:42:58,080
Speaker 1: intentions or say we're going to do things, and then

2309
01:42:58,120 --> 01:42:59,760
Speaker 1: will often feel so defeated. It was a big part

2310
01:42:59,760 --> 01:43:02,320
Speaker 1: of what I went through trying to get sober originally,

2311
01:43:02,360 --> 01:43:04,080
Speaker 1: like what the heck is going on? And I just

2312
01:43:04,200 --> 01:43:05,760
Speaker 1: I think that's the key that unlocks so much for

2313
01:43:05,800 --> 01:43:06,679
Speaker 1: people in a deep way.

2314
01:43:07,360 --> 01:43:10,439
Speaker 2: The book is called The New Attachment Theory. Heal every

2315
01:43:10,520 --> 01:43:14,400
Speaker 2: relationship by rewiring your brain and nervous system Tay Gibson.

2316
01:43:14,439 --> 01:43:16,960
Speaker 2: If anyone wants to learn more about you, follow you,

2317
01:43:17,400 --> 01:43:19,840
Speaker 2: connect with your work, commit to the program. Where should

2318
01:43:19,840 --> 01:43:21,960
Speaker 2: they go so that they don't miss out on doing

2319
01:43:21,960 --> 01:43:22,479
Speaker 2: this work?

2320
01:43:22,800 --> 01:43:25,519
Speaker 1: So they can go to Personaldevelopment School dot com. We

2321
01:43:25,560 --> 01:43:27,600
Speaker 1: have these really in depth reports. People can get on

2322
01:43:27,640 --> 01:43:30,120
Speaker 1: their attachment style and take her free quiz and it

2323
01:43:30,160 --> 01:43:32,040
Speaker 1: goes through all of your pillars and your whole profile.

2324
01:43:32,120 --> 01:43:34,600
Speaker 1: And then I am also all of our programs are

2325
01:43:34,640 --> 01:43:36,840
Speaker 1: through there, and I'm also on YouTube which is ty

2326
01:43:37,040 --> 01:43:40,360
Speaker 1: S Gibson Dash Personal Development School or at the Personal

2327
01:43:40,360 --> 01:43:43,200
Speaker 1: Development School on Instagram. And I just want to say

2328
01:43:43,520 --> 01:43:45,960
Speaker 1: thank you so much for having me. You're a phenomenal host.

2329
01:43:45,960 --> 01:43:49,479
Speaker 1: I just honestly felt so connected to you and chatting,

2330
01:43:49,520 --> 01:43:52,360
Speaker 1: and thank you for bringing all this out of me

2331
01:43:52,560 --> 01:43:53,479
Speaker 1: and letting me share.

2332
01:43:53,680 --> 01:43:55,680
Speaker 2: No I said this to earlier. Thank you for being

2333
01:43:55,960 --> 01:43:59,720
Speaker 2: a resource that I can direct people too, who I

2334
01:43:59,760 --> 01:44:02,280
Speaker 2: really feel this is such a foundational thing for having

2335
01:44:02,320 --> 01:44:06,200
Speaker 2: a successful life, like relationships, dating, work, it's everything. So

2336
01:44:06,280 --> 01:44:08,799
Speaker 2: tell us, thank you so much. Thanks me such a pleasure.

2337
01:44:09,000 --> 01:44:11,479
Speaker 2: Thank you, and I'm excited to have you that concern.

2338
01:44:11,680 --> 01:44:12,599
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you.

2339
01:44:12,680 --> 01:44:16,240
Speaker 3: If you enjoyed this conversation, you love my episode with

2340
01:44:16,320 --> 01:44:20,760
Speaker 3: the world's leading relationship therapist Esther Parrel where we talk

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Speaker 3: about why your ego is ruining your relationships and how

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Speaker 3: to date more effectively.

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Speaker 2: I think we need to differentiate. Are you looking for

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Speaker 2: chemistry for a love story or are you looking for

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Speaker 2: chemistry for a life story.