WEBVTT - Good Science: Election Day 0:00:00.790 --> 0:00:05.890 The information provided on this podcast is uninformed and unreviewed. 0:00:06.090 --> 0:00:10.150 Good science does not do any research about any of 0:00:10.210 --> 0:00:16.090 the topics discussed and assumes no responsibility for errors or omission. 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:44.170 That's good science. Wow, wow, surprise, surprise. It's the most 0:00:44.310 --> 0:00:49.410 important day, not only of the year, but every two years, 0:00:49.790 --> 0:00:55.630 four years, and six years in these United States of America. 0:00:56.540 --> 0:01:00.300 It's election day. That's right, folks. 0:01:01.000 --> 0:01:04.360 It is the one time every two, four, or six 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:09.980 years where you, the American people, have an opportunity to 0:01:10.690 --> 0:01:16.770 bring your fellow citizens into the halls of power or 0:01:17.870 --> 0:01:22.709 to shutter their offices, lock the doors, and throw away 0:01:22.770 --> 0:01:27.030 the keys and send them packing back to their districts 0:01:27.130 --> 0:01:31.819 and states. It is an exercise that is as old 0:01:32.500 --> 0:01:39.320 as antiquity itself. The practice of democracy, or demokrosa in 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:46.380 ancient Greek, has been done for decades, if not centuries, 0:01:46.620 --> 0:01:48.480 or thousands. 0:01:47.780 --> 0:01:51.389 Of years, otherwise known as millennia. 0:01:52.510 --> 0:02:00.070 Studies say that healthy nations... are democratic nations, and the 0:02:00.170 --> 0:02:06.350 healthiest nations have clean and fair elections. Imagine an election 0:02:06.490 --> 0:02:09.750 is like a bowel. You want it clean and not 0:02:09.889 --> 0:02:16.240 covered in shit. Well, I'll introduce to you a co-host 0:02:16.660 --> 0:02:21.000 who I also wish was clean and not covered in shit. 0:02:22.000 --> 0:02:26.260 And by that, I mean the shit of a rough campaign. 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:30.679 It isn't just my co-host this week, but he's a 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:37.410 candidate for District 35 in Austin, Texas. It's the one 0:02:37.490 --> 0:02:41.450 and only candidate, Kyle Quim. 0:02:41.830 --> 0:02:48.010 Hello, people of District 35 and Bobby Jr. 0:02:48.250 --> 0:02:48.870 Hello. 0:02:48.889 --> 0:02:48.959 Wow. 0:02:50.639 --> 0:02:55.720 I've got to act presidential now because I'm running for office. 0:02:56.280 --> 0:02:57.020 Ba-ba-boo. 0:02:57.680 --> 0:03:01.560 Well, now, but you're not running for president. 0:03:01.900 --> 0:03:04.140 President Trump wouldn't... Well, I. 0:03:04.139 --> 0:03:09.090 Guess president of the district, which only contains two people, 0:03:09.150 --> 0:03:09.669 but yeah. 0:03:09.810 --> 0:03:15.290 Right, right. Well, as you know, Kyle, I hope that 0:03:15.330 --> 0:03:17.130 you're going to do. 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:24.100 The bidding of the president once you get into office. 0:03:24.410 --> 0:03:28.470 Does he care about small? Well, you know, I've been campaigning, 0:03:28.510 --> 0:03:30.410 as you know. Does he care about small districts? Because 0:03:30.430 --> 0:03:31.770 I've been campaigning. 0:03:31.330 --> 0:03:36.550 In one of the smallest districts in Texas. 0:03:36.570 --> 0:03:39.430 It's outside of Austin. Well, President Trump created it for you, 0:03:39.690 --> 0:03:40.530 if you remember. 0:03:40.560 --> 0:03:42.180 He did. He actually, as a favor to you. 0:03:42.200 --> 0:03:43.160 As a favor to me. 0:03:43.320 --> 0:03:46.840 I went in to see him when he was getting 0:03:46.900 --> 0:03:48.800 his eggplant hands milked. 0:03:49.510 --> 0:03:51.990 By his hot, beautiful daughter. 0:03:52.030 --> 0:03:54.450 Now, I hope they're saving all that eggplant milk. 0:03:55.130 --> 0:03:57.590 They save all the eggplant milk. What do you do 0:03:57.630 --> 0:03:57.880 with it? 0:03:58.790 --> 0:04:04.580 They feed it to these secret babies that are Marco Rubio. 0:04:04.620 --> 0:04:07.320 I heard suckles on each of it. Like you have 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:08.780 the entire staff. 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:09.540 Right. 0:04:09.580 --> 0:04:10.100 Right there. 0:04:10.500 --> 0:04:13.390 The cabinet is basically sucks on each of his fingers 0:04:13.550 --> 0:04:14.210 like an udder. 0:04:14.610 --> 0:04:15.130 Is that true? 0:04:15.190 --> 0:04:16.150 Yeah, yeah. 0:04:16.230 --> 0:04:21.779 Well, so he lies down, President Trump lies down, and 0:04:21.940 --> 0:04:28.160 he's like a mother dog swollen with milk. 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:30.400 Right, eating her litter. 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:35.550 Yeah, puts his fingers out, and then the cabinet rushes over, 0:04:35.670 --> 0:04:40.849 and we all vie for a finger nipple, and we suck. 0:04:41.550 --> 0:04:44.630 And then the eggplant milk comes down the finger nipple 0:04:44.710 --> 0:04:46.089 into your mouth and you're fed. 0:04:46.470 --> 0:04:50.289 Yeah, you're fed and it's just delicious. Yeah, what does 0:04:50.330 --> 0:04:54.290 it taste like? What does his handbag taste like? 0:04:54.510 --> 0:04:58.870 Smoky. Is there a Big Mac. 0:04:58.690 --> 0:05:01.050 Taste to it? It's smoky. 0:05:01.130 --> 0:05:04.190 No, it's actually more of a fish filet, Kyle. 0:05:04.410 --> 0:05:06.250 Oh, wow. How do you get to fish? I didn't 0:05:06.270 --> 0:05:07.410 know he ate fish filets. 0:05:07.589 --> 0:05:08.070 Oh, yeah. 0:05:08.089 --> 0:05:11.890 Oh, yeah. He loves fish filets. Yeah. Yeah, he loves 0:05:11.980 --> 0:05:12.810 fish filets and Big Mac. 0:05:12.830 --> 0:05:15.540 Is it true that fish filets are only for virgins? 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:17.900 For virgins? 0:05:18.460 --> 0:05:22.300 Virgins. For virgins? I guess it's a version of a 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:24.300 human who has sex. 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:27.380 Oh, a virgin is a virgin. Yeah, that is true. 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:30.800 Yeah, well, President Trump, as you know, has never had 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:33.120 his cherry popped. His hymen is intact. 0:05:33.260 --> 0:05:37.550 That's crazy. I thought he is a huge rapist. 0:05:38.730 --> 0:05:44.130 Yes, he is a huge rapist, but he himself, his hymen, 0:05:44.980 --> 0:05:45.740 Is intact. 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:48.080 In other words, he's never been penetrated. 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.960 And is it true that his hymen is in his hair? 0:05:53.440 --> 0:05:54.520 Yes, of course. 0:05:54.730 --> 0:06:01.810 Medically, the diagnosis I did, I studied his body, and 0:06:01.890 --> 0:06:05.790 he has a hole, an opening at the top of 0:06:05.850 --> 0:06:07.790 his head where the brain usually. 0:06:08.010 --> 0:06:09.110 The skull closes. 0:06:09.740 --> 0:06:13.300 But instead it stayed and remained open and over the 0:06:13.380 --> 0:06:15.950 years formed a sort of head pussy. 0:06:15.970 --> 0:06:18.450 We got to talk about that, by the way. We 0:06:18.490 --> 0:06:24.380 got to talk about how you did a full... checkup 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:27.640 of Donald Trump's body, as soon as you were the 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:30.360 health secretary, you got to see everything. 0:06:30.380 --> 0:06:32.620 And I would love to hear all about that. 0:06:33.170 --> 0:06:35.109 From head to toe, you want to start from the 0:06:35.130 --> 0:06:37.470 tippy toes or where do you want me to go? 0:06:37.550 --> 0:06:40.110 No, I just, we have to do an entire episode. 0:06:40.779 --> 0:06:44.060 About you, about just going through Trump's body because you 0:06:44.120 --> 0:06:47.470 are allowed to, you have record of it and photos 0:06:47.589 --> 0:06:47.770 of it. 0:06:47.830 --> 0:06:49.290 And I'd love to see everything. 0:06:49.310 --> 0:06:49.730 Yeah. 0:06:49.770 --> 0:06:52.790 Well, you've heard a slim, good body and well, we 0:06:52.830 --> 0:06:54.789 would call Trump fat, bad body. 0:06:55.300 --> 0:06:56.240 The exact opposite. 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:59.630 I haven't heard of any of that stuff. Okay, so 0:06:59.790 --> 0:07:00.890 I'm running for office. 0:07:00.910 --> 0:07:01.909 Let's explain what. 0:07:01.830 --> 0:07:02.470 That means, I guess. 0:07:02.510 --> 0:07:06.140 Yeah, so you're running for office in the smallest district, Kyle. Now, 0:07:06.220 --> 0:07:12.320 I've heard that, unfortunately, there's some family drama here. And 0:07:12.400 --> 0:07:15.890 that you and your grandma are the only constituents, but 0:07:15.930 --> 0:07:19.610 apparently your grandmother, I'm hearing reports right now that your 0:07:19.670 --> 0:07:22.330 grandma is actually your opposition. 0:07:22.890 --> 0:07:23.150 Yes. 0:07:23.210 --> 0:07:26.470 So what happened is, is that Trump gerrymandered this district 0:07:26.730 --> 0:07:29.730 in Austin and it's so small. And I asked him 0:07:29.770 --> 0:07:32.710 to do this because my grandmother is pissing me off 0:07:33.250 --> 0:07:36.520 and I want to rule the house essentially. And so 0:07:36.540 --> 0:07:39.480 I'm running against her for the president of my house. 0:07:39.890 --> 0:07:40.450 Right. 0:07:40.770 --> 0:07:42.850 And it's tiring. 0:07:42.990 --> 0:07:47.590 I'm campaigning every single day to her and to myself. 0:07:47.790 --> 0:07:48.330 Right. 0:07:49.010 --> 0:07:51.900 I said, you find it hard to win your grandmother 0:07:52.140 --> 0:07:56.820 over when she's the person who's running in opposition to you? 0:07:57.180 --> 0:08:00.760 Yes, because I have to also insult her and get 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:02.220 her vote at the same time. 0:08:02.340 --> 0:08:02.660 Right. 0:08:02.700 --> 0:08:04.850 So I'm like, vote for me, you dumb fucking idiot. 0:08:05.590 --> 0:08:09.050 It's a lot of like, oh, I promise I'll do 0:08:09.170 --> 0:08:13.630 this stuff for you, Grandma, while insulting her at the 0:08:13.690 --> 0:08:17.010 same time saying that she's really stupid, she's fucking. 0:08:16.930 --> 0:08:19.450 Old, and I hope she dies soon. It's like a 0:08:19.630 --> 0:08:20.450 mix of both. 0:08:20.770 --> 0:08:26.710 What would you say is your primary platform for your campaign, Kyle? 0:08:27.440 --> 0:08:30.740 Well, for my side, it's that Grandma gets locked in 0:08:30.780 --> 0:08:35.210 the basement and she's not allowed out. For my grandmother's side, 0:08:36.500 --> 0:08:40.020 it's basically that I'll give her a hug. 0:08:39.820 --> 0:08:40.680 Every now and then. 0:08:40.700 --> 0:08:41.680 Right. 0:08:42.020 --> 0:08:46.820 You know, and I guess, you know, learn her name eventually. 0:08:46.880 --> 0:08:48.490 I don't know my grandmother's name. 0:08:49.530 --> 0:08:50.329 Oh, wow. 0:08:50.350 --> 0:08:52.270 I just, I know her as Grandma. 0:08:53.370 --> 0:08:55.709 Yeah, well, that's true. I mean, a lot of people, 0:08:55.950 --> 0:08:56.579 I mean, I. 0:08:57.610 --> 0:09:00.240 Do you know any women's names in your life? 0:09:01.059 --> 0:09:04.160 Well, Cheryl, of course. 0:09:04.179 --> 0:09:07.099 So she's not a Cheryl. That's her name. She's not 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:08.020 technically a Cheryl. 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:10.709 Well, she is a Cheryl. There are many Cheryls, but 0:09:10.790 --> 0:09:16.270 she is my Cheryl. That's not her title. It's her 0:09:16.429 --> 0:09:19.540 name as much as a title. 0:09:20.000 --> 0:09:21.160 Medically, she's not a Cheryl. 0:09:21.420 --> 0:09:26.320 She's not medically a Cheryl, no, and Nussie, of course, 0:09:26.460 --> 0:09:29.880 but Nussie is medically a Nussie, so there is a 0:09:29.900 --> 0:09:30.579 difference there. 0:09:30.660 --> 0:09:31.000 Okay. 0:09:32.260 --> 0:09:37.000 Nussies have, of course, extra fur in particular places, and 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:41.570 they have a higher sex drive and a desire to 0:09:41.670 --> 0:09:42.390 write prose. 0:09:42.410 --> 0:09:42.530 Really? 0:09:43.890 --> 0:09:49.210 Really. Yes. And then, of course, there's my mom. 0:09:49.230 --> 0:09:52.370 I didn't know women could really have those types of desires. 0:09:53.110 --> 0:09:56.610 Well, a Nessie is not a woman. A Nessie is. 0:09:56.610 --> 0:10:00.560 Its own its own category its own phylum. 0:10:00.380 --> 0:10:03.010 Its own phylum yeah You know. 0:10:03.050 --> 0:10:05.699 Well, my grandmother, I don't know if she has any 0:10:05.780 --> 0:10:06.720 likes or dislikes. 0:10:06.780 --> 0:10:09.820 Is your grandmother a woman or is she a different 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:10.420 type of creature? 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:11.160 She's just grandma. 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:14.830 She's terribly, I like to be raw and unfiltered. You 0:10:14.950 --> 0:10:17.750 know that I'm a fucking mess, right? 0:10:18.030 --> 0:10:19.550 I say what I want. I don't give a shit. 0:10:20.480 --> 0:10:24.199 And I want freedom of speech. And my grandmother tells me, no, 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:25.300 you can't speak like that. 0:10:25.340 --> 0:10:26.439 You can't curse. 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:28.260 So she's a Democrat. You're running. 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:32.040 She's one of the wokest people I've ever fucking met. 0:10:32.110 --> 0:10:33.780 She's part of the woke mob. 0:10:34.090 --> 0:10:37.470 Yeah. And she's dating this new dude, this fucking asshole. 0:10:37.670 --> 0:10:38.150 Right. 0:10:38.450 --> 0:10:42.450 And he's like such a nerd, man. His name is Gary. 0:10:42.510 --> 0:10:43.870 I learned his name because he's a guy. 0:10:44.230 --> 0:10:44.650 Right. 0:10:44.750 --> 0:10:45.370 Of course. 0:10:45.929 --> 0:10:46.590 I mean, I just. 0:10:47.490 --> 0:10:50.700 Ugh. So, and he would be the first man, then 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:54.140 he would be like, she'd be grandma representative, and then 0:10:54.200 --> 0:10:56.640 he'd be the first man. You'd be the lowest person 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:59.200 on the totem pole in this district. 0:10:59.260 --> 0:11:01.800 Exactly. And I wouldn't have any control. I wouldn't be 0:11:01.820 --> 0:11:04.640 able to say what I want. And he's so fucking conservative, man. 0:11:05.120 --> 0:11:06.100 He's so annoying. 0:11:06.120 --> 0:11:07.660 So he's conservative, but your grandma's woke? 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.090 Well, he's conservative in the sense that he doesn't like 0:11:10.370 --> 0:11:11.140 bad words. 0:11:11.570 --> 0:11:11.780 Right. 0:11:11.900 --> 0:11:13.950 If you won't hear, he puts his hands over his 0:11:14.050 --> 0:11:14.969 ears when I curse. 0:11:15.490 --> 0:11:15.970 Oh yeah. 0:11:16.170 --> 0:11:18.710 And he wants to take my grandmother out for ice cream. 0:11:18.730 --> 0:11:20.070 He's a fucking loser. 0:11:20.090 --> 0:11:20.910 What an asshole. 0:11:20.929 --> 0:11:21.969 Yeah. 0:11:22.190 --> 0:11:24.750 I mean, it sounds like an asshole because I mean, 0:11:24.850 --> 0:11:27.410 you don't know if someone's lactose intolerant and you're just like, 0:11:27.500 --> 0:11:28.740 go out for ice cream. 0:11:28.750 --> 0:11:30.520 What a prick. What a jerk. Anyway. 0:11:30.740 --> 0:11:34.900 Well, we'll get more into your platform as we go. 0:11:35.820 --> 0:11:38.520 But I do want to talk about, you know, it's, 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:44.230 it's a perfect, topic today is the election and that 0:11:44.260 --> 0:11:47.309 you're running for office. I'm so proud of you that 0:11:47.390 --> 0:11:50.830 only a year ago, Kyle, you were just a podcaster 0:11:50.929 --> 0:11:53.530 who was doing an occasional open. 0:11:53.330 --> 0:11:55.530 Mic, but now look at you. 0:11:55.550 --> 0:11:59.470 You're doing crowd work for five people at the kill 0:11:59.530 --> 0:12:03.450 Tony show. You're running against your own grandmother in your house. 0:12:03.490 --> 0:12:07.810 You were just like, you know, some sort of like, yeah, 0:12:07.870 --> 0:12:13.340 you were like some freak. You were some freak who 0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:18.840 had fringe ideas, and now you are the health secretary. 0:12:18.260 --> 0:12:19.880 Of fringe ideas. 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:21.450 Right, yeah, that's true. 0:12:21.550 --> 0:12:24.429 Before, everyone said, this guy is sitting in Roseanne Barr's 0:12:24.490 --> 0:12:27.770 kitchen talking about stealing a bear. 0:12:27.790 --> 0:12:29.569 Yeah, everyone's talking about that. 0:12:29.770 --> 0:12:33.990 And now everyone goes, this guy, I mean, this guy, 0:12:34.110 --> 0:12:35.490 you know, he's making. 0:12:35.690 --> 0:12:37.429 He's making.... 0:12:39.080 --> 0:12:44.240 Cod with you know potatoes uh on his cooking show 0:12:44.620 --> 0:12:49.030 and making sure that uh people die of measles faster. 0:12:48.450 --> 0:12:52.230 That's right so i mean i really have i both 0:12:52.330 --> 0:12:56.010 made strides both made it we did make strides and 0:12:56.050 --> 0:12:58.900 you know and that's the the the beauty of a 0:12:58.940 --> 0:13:02.800 democracy kyle is that anybody. 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:07.460 He can become anything if they work hard enough and 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:13.809 sacrifice their internal morals for whatever power structure is around them. Absolutely. 0:13:13.850 --> 0:13:14.370 Amen. 0:13:15.370 --> 0:13:19.750 And so what's important, though, is that we have to 0:13:19.809 --> 0:13:25.520 have reverence for this election and for our democracy because 0:13:25.620 --> 0:13:28.700 elections reflect the health of a nation. 0:13:29.700 --> 0:13:33.040 What do you mean by that? How does it reflect 0:13:33.100 --> 0:13:34.620 the health of the nation? 0:13:34.780 --> 0:13:41.570 Okay, well, so imagine that the nation is like a body, right? 0:13:41.590 --> 0:13:44.390 A human body, okay? And let's say that the head. 0:13:44.410 --> 0:13:45.610 What are we talking about? 0:13:45.630 --> 0:13:47.420 Like a. 0:13:48.429 --> 0:13:52.089 No, no, like America, it's like where New England is, 0:13:52.170 --> 0:13:54.010 is like the brain, right? 0:13:54.250 --> 0:14:00.610 Is the head, okay? And then Florida is like The hand, 0:14:01.510 --> 0:14:02.050 you know. 0:14:02.429 --> 0:14:04.600 It's like a paw. That's very far away from the brain. 0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:07.700 Right. Well, the hand is very far away from the brain. 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:08.520 It's probably the. 0:14:08.460 --> 0:14:10.179 Furthest thing from your brain. I'm putting my hand on 0:14:10.220 --> 0:14:10.910 my head right now. 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:12.880 Right, but when you put it down like this, it's 0:14:12.920 --> 0:14:14.150 very far away, Kyle. 0:14:14.210 --> 0:14:14.650 Okay, fine. 0:14:15.690 --> 0:14:19.730 And then the Los Angeles and San Diego are like 0:14:19.750 --> 0:14:20.570 the butthole. 0:14:21.570 --> 0:14:23.850 Of the United States. 0:14:23.930 --> 0:14:26.010 Now is this, are we talking about a man or 0:14:26.030 --> 0:14:29.050 a woman or a Cheryl or a Nuzzi right now? 0:14:29.350 --> 0:14:33.470 I would say that the United States is a man 0:14:33.630 --> 0:14:39.390 because it's tough and it fights wars and it doesn't 0:14:39.430 --> 0:14:41.010 care about children. 0:14:41.270 --> 0:14:45.770 Yeah, but it also has the WNBA and it's got like. 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:48.360 Right, well, I mean, every guy's, you know. 0:14:49.340 --> 0:14:53.090 Experimented you know what i mean that's what the wnba 0:14:53.190 --> 0:14:57.310 is to a nation so you know and then then 0:14:57.370 --> 0:15:01.620 i mean you have your appendix you know alaska and 0:15:01.700 --> 0:15:08.110 your uh other appendix uh hawaii And so these are 0:15:08.210 --> 0:15:12.270 all the body parts. And when there's voting, voting is 0:15:12.370 --> 0:15:16.360 like the ballots are like blood. And because the ballots 0:15:16.410 --> 0:15:20.560 are white, they're like white blood cells. So when you vote, 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:24.340 you get the blood going and you heal the nation 0:15:24.780 --> 0:15:26.160 with the white blood cells. 0:15:26.220 --> 0:15:29.550 We literally, and is anyone saying this? I am. 0:15:29.550 --> 0:15:33.550 You're saying. Yeah, I'm saying it. 0:15:33.860 --> 0:15:34.300 The fuck? 0:15:34.320 --> 0:15:35.720 What do you mean anybody's saying it? 0:15:35.900 --> 0:15:37.590 Is anybody saying this, though? 0:15:37.730 --> 0:15:40.670 I'm saying it. I'm saying it right now. What are you, 0:15:40.750 --> 0:15:41.550 open your ears? 0:15:42.030 --> 0:15:44.210 Yeah, I just didn't know if someone was saying it. 0:15:44.710 --> 0:15:46.340 I am saying it. 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:03.720 So elections are a metaphor for health metaphor for the health. So. 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:07.380 Well, so then now let's talk about the digestion. So 0:16:07.420 --> 0:16:10.100 then you have dirty politics, dirty money. 0:16:10.340 --> 0:16:11.260 OK, that's like. 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:15.570 Eating a dirty burger or having some Popeye's chicken fingers. 0:16:16.310 --> 0:16:20.330 And then washing it down with a fucking icy berry 0:16:20.410 --> 0:16:23.970 cool breeze, you know, all that poison. And that creates 0:16:24.110 --> 0:16:27.890 gunk and dirt inside the shit pipe. Okay. And the 0:16:28.090 --> 0:16:33.480 American shit pipe is the dirty money that goes around politics. 0:16:34.550 --> 0:16:35.330 A little confusing. 0:16:35.410 --> 0:16:35.810 Corrupt. 0:16:35.870 --> 0:16:38.590 Well, what is election day then? What is election day? 0:16:38.650 --> 0:16:43.210 Election day is like the big checkup every time you 0:16:43.250 --> 0:16:47.910 go for a checkup, right? And then the doctor is, okay, 0:16:48.490 --> 0:16:53.870 so the election day is the checkup, but America's the patient, 0:16:53.970 --> 0:16:58.470 but the doctor is the nation, is the citizens. 0:16:58.970 --> 0:17:02.510 Okay, so what's like getting a sticker after the checkup? 0:17:03.140 --> 0:17:05.750 Well, that's like you get your voted sticker. It's the 0:17:05.770 --> 0:17:06.050 same thing. 0:17:06.070 --> 0:17:07.650 So that's where the sticker comes from. 0:17:07.670 --> 0:17:09.050 That's where the sticker comes from. 0:17:09.250 --> 0:17:12.270 And now if you have a state, for instance, that 0:17:12.310 --> 0:17:16.700 can't certify its election, that would be like Oregon failure. 0:17:17.300 --> 0:17:20.399 So, for instance, the. 0:17:19.780 --> 0:17:25.949 Liver is Georgia and Georgia can't verify its results because 0:17:26.010 --> 0:17:31.430 there's been. Corrupted voting and corrupted voting is like cancer cells. 0:17:31.770 --> 0:17:33.030 So what's appendicitis? 0:17:34.070 --> 0:17:40.470 That's when Hawaii has a fire on one of its islands. Right, right. 0:17:40.550 --> 0:17:43.880 And you don't know about it until it's too late. 0:17:44.590 --> 0:17:44.879 Right. 0:17:44.920 --> 0:17:47.050 Well, that's the whole point is you, by the time 0:17:47.090 --> 0:17:49.649 you figure it out, you go, Oh God, you go, Oh, 0:17:49.710 --> 0:17:50.710 my Hawaii hurts. 0:17:50.730 --> 0:17:52.030 Why is my Hawaii hurting? 0:17:52.050 --> 0:17:54.609 Hawaii is obviously on the right side of the, of 0:17:54.650 --> 0:17:55.770 the nation. 0:17:55.830 --> 0:17:56.550 So that's why. 0:17:56.930 --> 0:17:58.990 And then eventually you go, Ooh, wow. 0:17:59.030 --> 0:17:59.310 Wow. 0:17:59.470 --> 0:18:00.369 It's my Hawaii. 0:18:00.470 --> 0:18:03.710 I think it's nothing. I think it's just gas coming up. 0:18:03.890 --> 0:18:06.830 And then you go, Oh shit, my Hawaii is on fire. 0:18:06.850 --> 0:18:08.010 You gotta be kidding me. 0:18:08.130 --> 0:18:10.280 This sort of makes sense. Okay. 0:18:10.560 --> 0:18:15.060 So anyway, so the nation is, it's very important. Think 0:18:15.119 --> 0:18:19.420 about dictatorships. They're sick people. They're like mentally ill people, 0:18:19.500 --> 0:18:23.000 you know, mentally like, you know, people who shove you 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:24.380 in front of the subway. Right. 0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:26.320 We call them funny people, right? 0:18:26.800 --> 0:18:27.000 Yeah. 0:18:27.060 --> 0:18:29.300 Funny people, you know, like a silly, you know, a 0:18:29.380 --> 0:18:31.360 silly person who's, you know. 0:18:31.480 --> 0:18:34.740 Is that what Judd Apatow's movie is about? Yes. 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:37.760 Judd Apatow's movie, Funny People was about. 0:18:37.820 --> 0:18:38.840 It's about handicapped. 0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:44.260 Not handicapped mentally ill kyle oh i thought it okay 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:48.709 handicapped people are just people in who are bad at 0:18:48.730 --> 0:18:52.550 golf yes there are people in chairs who are bad 0:18:52.609 --> 0:18:54.649 at golf and part of the reason they're bad at 0:18:54.670 --> 0:18:56.490 golf is because they won't get up they won't just 0:18:56.530 --> 0:18:59.090 have a handicap they got a handicap because of it 0:18:59.570 --> 0:19:01.530 but no these are the people who are the most 0:19:01.570 --> 0:19:03.770 scary they're mentally. 0:19:03.470 --> 0:19:06.290 Ill Oh, I think we have an update here. 0:19:06.310 --> 0:19:10.840 Oh, the polls. We got a poll check coming in. 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:11.379 OK. 0:19:11.720 --> 0:19:14.600 All right. Well, oh, very interesting. 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:18.290 So it looks as if a number of candidates are 0:19:18.330 --> 0:19:23.460 now ahead in their polls. But we go to District 0:19:23.460 --> 0:19:26.980 35 now. 0:19:27.100 --> 0:19:29.100 So far, there are no results. 0:19:29.820 --> 0:19:33.879 But early indications do show possible. 0:19:33.300 --> 0:19:35.520 Vote tampering in the district. 0:19:35.680 --> 0:19:41.310 And officials, apparently an official named Gary, has said that 0:19:41.350 --> 0:19:42.609 he is lodging. 0:19:42.250 --> 0:19:43.470 A formal protest. 0:19:43.510 --> 0:19:45.170 That's the guy dating my fucking grandma. 0:19:45.770 --> 0:19:49.230 Sorry, Kyle. I am reporting the news right now. And 0:19:49.390 --> 0:19:49.970 I must be informed. 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:53.399 She's fucking rigging the election, my grandma. 0:19:53.420 --> 0:19:58.420 Kyle Quim, candidate Kyle Quim, still holds a slight margin 0:19:58.700 --> 0:20:04.070 in this zero-to-zero race. More updates as they come in 0:20:04.150 --> 0:20:06.630 to the Good Science News Desk. 0:20:06.810 --> 0:20:08.050 Jesus fucking Christ. 0:20:08.150 --> 0:20:09.270 Kyle, I don't know. 0:20:10.200 --> 0:20:11.939 I don't know. It sounds to me like. 0:20:11.960 --> 0:20:15.100 Well, I mean, I think that she's... They're fucking rigging 0:20:15.140 --> 0:20:16.419 the election to get votes. 0:20:16.500 --> 0:20:18.400 That's what I think. You know? 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:19.540 How? 0:20:19.600 --> 0:20:20.740 How are they doing that? 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:23.100 Well, I wouldn't be surprised if I see a number 0:20:23.140 --> 0:20:26.020 of dead people voting in my district. 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:27.320 Well, who's dead in your house? 0:20:28.460 --> 0:20:29.340 My grandfather. 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:31.660 He's still in your house, Kyle? 0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:33.359 He's in the attic, yeah. 0:20:34.400 --> 0:20:38.739 Why? Is this like a Shel Silverstein thing? 0:20:39.180 --> 0:20:39.680 What is that? 0:20:40.650 --> 0:20:42.969 You know, the light in the attic. That's where the. 0:20:42.970 --> 0:20:43.889 Wild things are. 0:20:44.730 --> 0:20:47.260 No, the light in the attic. 0:20:47.480 --> 0:20:49.680 Oh, a light in the attic. No, he was a dark, 0:20:49.740 --> 0:20:52.400 very dark man. He was meaning like he was like 0:20:52.540 --> 0:20:53.600 not a good person. 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:54.560 Right. 0:20:55.020 --> 0:20:58.160 He was awful, but he's dead and he's been dead. 0:20:58.590 --> 0:20:59.709 And if I see Bernard. 0:20:59.730 --> 0:21:01.030 How did he die, Kyle? 0:21:03.710 --> 0:21:04.350 What's that? When? 0:21:04.869 --> 0:21:05.890 How did he die? 0:21:05.910 --> 0:21:07.790 I don't want to talk about that. 0:21:09.290 --> 0:21:11.669 Kyle, you're going to have to answer some tough questions. 0:21:11.850 --> 0:21:12.230 Maybe. 0:21:12.250 --> 0:21:15.110 But he shouldn't be alive. 0:21:15.170 --> 0:21:19.830 He should be squarely fucking dead. And if he's voting, 0:21:20.230 --> 0:21:21.369 that's really fucked up. 0:21:21.369 --> 0:21:25.720 Do you have any evidence, Kyle, to assert that he 0:21:25.880 --> 0:21:27.359 is voting in this election? 0:21:27.960 --> 0:21:30.240 Well, I don't even know what voting is. Why don't 0:21:30.260 --> 0:21:32.040 you tell me what is voting? 0:21:32.260 --> 0:21:34.660 You don't even know what voting is, Kyle? 0:21:34.920 --> 0:21:38.000 I'm not sure. I'd like to know what a vote is. 0:21:38.730 --> 0:21:39.690 How did you run? 0:21:39.790 --> 0:21:42.450 I mean, this country, I mean, this guy's running for office. 0:21:42.590 --> 0:21:44.050 I mean, no one voted. 0:21:44.090 --> 0:21:46.390 Why do we vote? Why do we vote? Why aren't 0:21:46.430 --> 0:21:49.190 we just having physical fights? 0:21:50.250 --> 0:21:53.510 No. Well, back in the day. What do you mean no? Well, 0:21:53.550 --> 0:21:56.190 back in the day, they used to do that, Kyle. 0:21:56.510 --> 0:22:02.270 So, you know, there's a long storied history of democratic 0:22:02.350 --> 0:22:04.410 elections in humanity. 0:22:04.670 --> 0:22:07.220 So we've always done this, even before Eddie Murphy. 0:22:07.710 --> 0:22:10.929 Well, right in the beginning of Eddie Murphy's time in 0:22:11.210 --> 0:22:15.270 ancient Greece. Let me take you back there, Kyle. Imagine 0:22:15.770 --> 0:22:20.950 the streets of Athens, the glowing domes of the Oracle's buildings, 0:22:21.619 --> 0:22:27.119 the senators and, you know, whatever, walking around. 0:22:27.760 --> 0:22:28.860 The boiling feta. 0:22:29.280 --> 0:22:34.200 Boiling feta and boiling, you know, a pita and boiling 0:22:34.320 --> 0:22:37.100 grape leaves and making souvlaki. 0:22:38.020 --> 0:22:41.180 And then, you know, going Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi. 0:22:41.200 --> 0:22:41.660 Get a Pepsi. 0:22:41.680 --> 0:22:44.700 You want Pepsi and chips? And they did all of that. 0:22:45.660 --> 0:22:52.879 And they were Pepsi. And then they would have an election. 0:22:52.900 --> 0:22:59.740 They would go, oh, who among us should be the leader? Athena. 0:23:00.109 --> 0:23:05.010 And then they would elect Athena as the first elected official. 0:23:06.340 --> 0:23:08.900 And the Greeks, but the Greeks liked it. They were 0:23:08.920 --> 0:23:11.560 too busy fucking each other all the time, you know? 0:23:11.740 --> 0:23:12.940 And I mean, a lot of butts. 0:23:13.020 --> 0:23:15.920 How did they vote in the same way where they 0:23:15.960 --> 0:23:22.260 would go to, um, a sort of like city hall 0:23:22.420 --> 0:23:23.840 or local Kyle? 0:23:24.020 --> 0:23:25.260 No, no, Kyle. 0:23:25.280 --> 0:23:25.719 What do you mean? 0:23:25.780 --> 0:23:28.859 No. Why? What they would do is they would take 0:23:28.920 --> 0:23:32.310 their slaves. Uh, and this is continued in the Roman 0:23:32.369 --> 0:23:38.390 tradition as well. And they slaves, uh, With each owner, each, 0:23:38.650 --> 0:23:42.970 you know, because democracy has always evolved, Kyle. It's an 0:23:43.170 --> 0:23:47.830 ever evolving process. And that's a way that people in 0:23:47.910 --> 0:23:51.990 power can keep power by only very slightly giving it 0:23:52.030 --> 0:23:55.429 away is by saying that democracy is always evolving. 0:23:55.540 --> 0:23:58.540 So it's a very slow drip, sort of like what, 0:23:58.600 --> 0:23:59.560 like an eggplant plant. 0:24:00.180 --> 0:24:03.429 You know, like an eggplant nipple or like me at 0:24:03.490 --> 0:24:05.729 three in the morning when I'm trying to finish up 0:24:05.790 --> 0:24:06.290 a piss. 0:24:07.410 --> 0:24:07.770 Gotcha. 0:24:07.830 --> 0:24:11.209 In fact, I mean, Kyle, if I, I, I, I 0:24:11.230 --> 0:24:14.689 look back fondly on the days when my shorts or 0:24:14.730 --> 0:24:18.429 sweatpants weren't filled with about another quarter cup of piss. 0:24:18.540 --> 0:24:19.720 By the time I walked. 0:24:19.520 --> 0:24:22.880 Back to the bedroom, you should do something with that. 0:24:23.140 --> 0:24:25.679 You can't, there's just nothing you could do about it. 0:24:25.720 --> 0:24:27.160 Kyle, nothing. And is it cold? 0:24:28.710 --> 0:24:31.760 Uh, well, no, I mean, some of it's cold because 0:24:31.820 --> 0:24:34.219 it dribbled right when you left, but some of it's 0:24:34.300 --> 0:24:39.490 warm cause it's still coming out of the body. So, uh, 0:24:39.859 --> 0:24:42.620 but you know, they call me Mr. Pissy pants. That's 0:24:42.660 --> 0:24:43.780 what Cheryl calls me. 0:24:44.119 --> 0:24:44.600 You're known. 0:24:45.930 --> 0:24:48.820 And then I will go, oh, a little snack for 0:24:48.859 --> 0:24:49.640 me in the morning. 0:24:49.660 --> 0:24:50.480 You know what I mean? 0:24:50.500 --> 0:24:53.780 Okay. You know how people with beards, they'll have a 0:24:54.080 --> 0:24:55.359 little bit of food in their beard. 0:24:55.480 --> 0:24:56.200 A little taco. 0:24:56.220 --> 0:24:58.679 Yeah, and they'll have a little taco in their beard, 0:24:58.720 --> 0:25:00.490 and they'll go, oh, it looks like I've got a 0:25:00.490 --> 0:25:01.730 little snack for later. 0:25:02.010 --> 0:25:04.950 I do the same thing, but with piss in my shorts. 0:25:06.290 --> 0:25:06.550 Wow. 0:25:07.410 --> 0:25:14.390 So in ancient times, The slave owners were each given 0:25:14.410 --> 0:25:18.840 a copper coin, a brass coin, or copper, depending on 0:25:18.900 --> 0:25:22.199 their status. And they would shove it. The way they 0:25:22.220 --> 0:25:24.240 would vote is they would shove it up in the 0:25:24.280 --> 0:25:25.160 slave's ass. 0:25:25.840 --> 0:25:26.159 Right. 0:25:26.540 --> 0:25:28.040 And why would they do that? 0:25:28.480 --> 0:25:32.969 Because then the slaves would walk 100 kilometers. Right. 0:25:33.430 --> 0:25:35.270 This is where the marathon came from. 0:25:35.290 --> 0:25:36.469 Okay, see, this is the problem. 0:25:36.490 --> 0:25:37.890 This is where the people run marathons. 0:25:37.930 --> 0:25:39.820 Everything was in kilometers. 0:25:39.880 --> 0:25:41.820 Yeah, they walked a hundred... It wasn't in feet. No, 0:25:41.840 --> 0:25:44.440 not in feet. No, there was no feet back then, Kyle. 0:25:44.520 --> 0:25:50.480 And they would walk a hundred kilometers to marathon. And 0:25:50.520 --> 0:25:53.729 they'd all get out and they'd be like, fuck, I 0:25:53.770 --> 0:25:56.150 gotta take a shit. I've been walking for a hundred miles. 0:25:57.050 --> 0:26:00.610 And they would all go to a grand coliseum where 0:26:00.630 --> 0:26:01.830 they would all shit. 0:26:02.410 --> 0:26:03.649 And then they would count the votes. 0:26:03.730 --> 0:26:08.090 They would count the copper or brass coins and whichever. 0:26:07.650 --> 0:26:13.020 Slaves survived more. We should do this again. Then you know. 0:26:13.040 --> 0:26:14.879 You actually know. 0:26:14.940 --> 0:26:17.369 We did. We did it in the 1860s, Kyle. 0:26:17.480 --> 0:26:20.830 No, I mean the copper coin stuff because you don't 0:26:20.970 --> 0:26:24.370 know when you– this is why I love that Trump– uh, 0:26:24.430 --> 0:26:26.110 got rid of the mail-in ballots. 0:26:26.390 --> 0:26:29.850 Oh yeah. Well, he tried Kyle, but he actually didn't 0:26:29.869 --> 0:26:31.250 get rid of the mail-in ballots. 0:26:31.310 --> 0:26:34.690 You know, there's still mail-in elections altogether soon, right? 0:26:34.730 --> 0:26:35.210 He will. 0:26:36.100 --> 0:26:39.000 Well, Kyle, he's trying and, and we heard. 0:26:38.900 --> 0:26:41.720 You're allowed to text in your vote right now. 0:26:42.040 --> 0:26:45.560 Oh, as Democrats have it, which I was only, I 0:26:45.800 --> 0:26:49.659 was a Democrat just only a year and a half ago. And, uh, 0:26:49.740 --> 0:26:52.580 you know, let me tell you if I, when I 0:26:52.619 --> 0:26:56.359 was a Democrat, You know, you could text your vote. 0:26:56.740 --> 0:26:59.840 You could send your vote as an emoji. You don't 0:26:59.859 --> 0:27:01.940 even need to vote. You could just put a thumbs up. 0:27:01.940 --> 0:27:04.280 That's probably what my fucking grandma is doing. And look, 0:27:04.300 --> 0:27:06.040 look at the fucking poll right now. 0:27:06.460 --> 0:27:07.280 Oh, wait, hold on. 0:27:07.340 --> 0:27:11.760 We actually have breaking news right now. Kyle, you're going 0:27:11.780 --> 0:27:12.720 to want to listen to this. 0:27:13.880 --> 0:27:14.660 Breaking news. 0:27:15.450 --> 0:27:19.990 Elections around the country are continuing to happen. The health 0:27:20.050 --> 0:27:23.780 of the nation is stronger than it's ever been, which 0:27:23.859 --> 0:27:28.720 is both positive but disconcerting because, of course, that means 0:27:28.760 --> 0:27:32.600 there's more voting than ever, which runs counter to what 0:27:32.660 --> 0:27:37.020 President Trump wants. But I have an update now for 0:27:37.100 --> 0:27:37.800 District 35. 0:27:37.800 --> 0:27:38.220 Hell yeah. 0:27:39.960 --> 0:27:44.310 Kyle Quim and Grandma are neck and neck. 0:27:44.550 --> 0:27:45.310 No, what the fuck? 0:27:45.380 --> 0:27:49.700 They are running neck and neck right now. The result, 0:27:49.740 --> 0:27:54.830 the polls close in just a few hours. Oh, no, 0:27:54.970 --> 0:27:58.170 I'm sorry. The polls closed in just about 15 minutes. 0:27:58.550 --> 0:27:58.770 What? 0:27:59.190 --> 0:28:03.869 And the results will be instantaneous because of the size. 0:28:03.450 --> 0:28:04.150 Of the district. 0:28:04.230 --> 0:28:08.290 See, this is why I hired some security around the 0:28:08.310 --> 0:28:10.750 poll in my house to scare the shit out of 0:28:10.810 --> 0:28:11.490 my grandmother. 0:28:11.830 --> 0:28:14.350 Well, be careful what you admit here, Kyle, because I 0:28:14.470 --> 0:28:17.490 am in news reporter mode. And when I'm in news 0:28:17.530 --> 0:28:21.949 reporter mode, Kyle, I have to do the duty of 0:28:22.030 --> 0:28:22.790 a reporter. 0:28:23.359 --> 0:28:26.480 Well, I just thought I would hire ICE to hang 0:28:26.540 --> 0:28:29.119 around my grandmother's voting. 0:28:29.300 --> 0:28:32.320 Is your grandmother not a citizen? 0:28:33.180 --> 0:28:36.180 No, but I don't think that matters anymore for ICE, right? 0:28:36.220 --> 0:28:38.240 They can just do... No, it doesn't. ICE can do... 0:28:38.160 --> 0:28:39.100 They'll kill anybody. 0:28:39.140 --> 0:28:40.710 They'll kill anybody. That's what's great about it. 0:28:40.720 --> 0:28:44.080 I think that's okay. And so, you know, I mean, 0:28:44.100 --> 0:28:46.660 I could call and fake that she's, you know, not 0:28:46.700 --> 0:28:48.610 from the country, not a citizen. 0:28:48.670 --> 0:28:51.370 Well, can I just finish this breaking report, Kyle? 0:28:51.470 --> 0:28:51.650 Sure. 0:28:52.580 --> 0:28:57.550 Well, we'll be back with more information on the election results. 0:28:57.950 --> 0:29:03.190 But it is now rumored that Grandma is taking the 0:29:03.270 --> 0:29:08.730 lead in this zero-zero vote turnout. It's just reported from 0:29:08.770 --> 0:29:14.680 her campaign manager. Yes, that Gary, that they have information 0:29:14.820 --> 0:29:20.420 that could potentially change the race. And remember, the entire 0:29:20.600 --> 0:29:25.880 balance of the U.S. House of Representatives depends on this district. 0:29:26.200 --> 0:29:31.100 If Grandma wins, the woke mob will control the government. 0:29:31.810 --> 0:29:35.050 And then who knows what will happen. They might storm 0:29:35.070 --> 0:29:38.630 the Capitol or something. Get out and vote. Now that 0:29:38.650 --> 0:29:41.450 I'm no longer a news reporter, Kyle, I would also 0:29:41.530 --> 0:29:44.170 encourage people to get out and vote for you because 0:29:44.730 --> 0:29:49.520 I have put all my money and my interests in 0:29:49.600 --> 0:29:51.020 your campaign. 0:29:51.100 --> 0:29:53.800 Well, the problem is, is that we're the only two constituents. 0:29:54.530 --> 0:29:56.570 But how do I get people to vote who aren't 0:29:56.630 --> 0:29:57.850 even in the district? 0:29:57.870 --> 0:30:00.830 You can't, Kyle. That's what President Trump said. 0:30:00.870 --> 0:30:02.850 Well, we've got to lie. We've got to do something. 0:30:03.030 --> 0:30:07.080 Okay, so acorns were put in copper. Acorns were, I mean, 0:30:07.400 --> 0:30:09.840 so copper coins were put in slaves' asses. 0:30:10.340 --> 0:30:14.500 Then what? How did we evolve to texting? 0:30:14.560 --> 0:30:20.110 Well, so the Gutenberg press, Kyle, so now. think about 0:30:20.170 --> 0:30:24.750 it the roman empire collapses and everyone's just shit it's 0:30:24.830 --> 0:30:27.790 covered in shit everything's dark that's why they call it 0:30:28.110 --> 0:30:32.750 the dark ages everyone couldn't see anything that everyone's just 0:30:32.810 --> 0:30:35.650 groping at each other and pulling on each other's cocks 0:30:35.710 --> 0:30:38.229 and fingering pussies and assholes. 0:30:37.750 --> 0:30:39.550 What eddie murphy is doing what. 0:30:39.690 --> 0:30:42.010 Eddie murphy was i'll tell you this is when he 0:30:42.050 --> 0:30:47.540 was really He knows that the rhinestone, working as material. 0:30:47.640 --> 0:30:50.380 Working as material. Okay, so this is a long time ago. 0:30:50.420 --> 0:30:51.630 He was absent. So then what happened? 0:30:51.650 --> 0:30:58.260 Like the watchmaker, like Voltaire's deity, the watchmaker. Eddie Murphy 0:30:58.340 --> 0:31:01.560 was nowhere to be found, and people would cry out 0:31:01.600 --> 0:31:04.340 from mud pits as they were getting fingered in the ass. 0:31:04.800 --> 0:31:08.240 Going, oh, where's Eddie Murphy? He has abandoned us. 0:31:08.240 --> 0:31:09.910 So is this a good time in history or a 0:31:09.970 --> 0:31:10.550 bad time? 0:31:10.810 --> 0:31:12.570 This was the worst time. 0:31:12.730 --> 0:31:13.290 Worst time, okay. 0:31:13.310 --> 0:31:15.970 This was the worst. So people aren't voting. 0:31:15.990 --> 0:31:20.390 No fun comedy. No one's voting, Kyle. People are getting 0:31:20.580 --> 0:31:22.120 fingered with their own shit. 0:31:22.960 --> 0:31:23.500 Okay? 0:31:23.860 --> 0:31:24.060 Wow. 0:31:24.080 --> 0:31:24.820 Think about that. 0:31:25.020 --> 0:31:27.240 They're pulling the shit out of someone's ass, and then 0:31:27.280 --> 0:31:30.560 they're fingering them up the other hole with their shit. 0:31:30.780 --> 0:31:32.280 That's disgusting. 0:31:32.540 --> 0:31:36.050 To me, I'll tell you, it's like a buffet. I'm 0:31:36.110 --> 0:31:38.670 a buffet of pleasure. I'm like, wow, that's incredible. 0:31:38.750 --> 0:31:41.150 What do you mean buffet? You eat this stuff? 0:31:41.700 --> 0:31:43.110 I would eat the shit. Yeah. 0:31:43.120 --> 0:31:43.480 Oh, yeah. 0:31:43.720 --> 0:31:44.790 Piss, shit, whatever. 0:31:44.810 --> 0:31:47.170 I don't want to talk about this. I want to 0:31:47.490 --> 0:31:48.330 stick to voting. 0:31:48.350 --> 0:31:51.130 You know, Kyle, you better learn how to listen to 0:31:51.310 --> 0:31:53.350 people you don't agree with, because when you're in the 0:31:53.390 --> 0:31:56.470 House of Representatives, you're going to have to deal with 0:31:56.530 --> 0:32:00.650 people like me. I might come up to you and say, listen, 0:32:00.790 --> 0:32:03.310 I want a bill. I want you to pass a bill. 0:32:03.350 --> 0:32:05.650 I need to make promises to my vote. 0:32:05.710 --> 0:32:08.690 I want you to pass a bill called the Drink 0:32:08.730 --> 0:32:11.150 more piss bill, the shit-eating bill. 0:32:11.370 --> 0:32:14.330 Well, I promise. I did make a few campaign promises. 0:32:14.350 --> 0:32:17.460 Yeah, tell me some of your campaign promises. The rest 0:32:17.560 --> 0:32:19.380 is history. 0:32:21.180 --> 0:32:23.280 First of all, old women are going to be locked 0:32:23.320 --> 0:32:23.920 in the basement. 0:32:24.180 --> 0:32:24.580 Right, okay. 0:32:24.600 --> 0:32:27.000 So there's going to be no old women bothering anybody. 0:32:27.140 --> 0:32:27.800 I love that. 0:32:28.120 --> 0:32:31.130 We all love that. Second, you get a free lineup 0:32:31.170 --> 0:32:33.070 at the barber. Wow. 0:32:33.110 --> 0:32:33.180 Wow. 0:32:34.030 --> 0:32:36.990 So what's that mean? You get to get in line? 0:32:37.580 --> 0:32:40.640 No, you get a lineup. Basically, they'll cut your hair 0:32:40.720 --> 0:32:44.560 real nice at the barber. I'm offering those to all 0:32:44.600 --> 0:32:45.140 my voters. 0:32:45.520 --> 0:32:46.400 A free haircut. 0:32:46.800 --> 0:32:51.030 Yes. I also promised no women at basketball games. 0:32:52.090 --> 0:32:54.150 Even playing or just attending? 0:32:55.310 --> 0:32:57.330 Um, what do you want? 0:32:58.110 --> 0:33:00.750 See, now, Kyle, you've got to think these things through. 0:33:00.770 --> 0:33:04.150 That's what a politician taught. A politician. Now, why is 0:33:04.190 --> 0:33:06.940 it a politician? Does it have to do with flowers? 0:33:07.180 --> 0:33:08.680 Yes, of course it does. 0:33:08.900 --> 0:33:13.200 All the old politicians wore a flower. That's how you 0:33:13.290 --> 0:33:15.750 knew a politician was a politician. 0:33:15.890 --> 0:33:19.930 So that's why it's politician, because it's politician because they 0:33:19.970 --> 0:33:20.690 had pollen. 0:33:21.170 --> 0:33:23.830 Yes, because bees, well, so think about it. 0:33:23.880 --> 0:33:26.440 You'd see a man walking around, a big fat man 0:33:26.480 --> 0:33:29.740 with a big fat beard and his big cherry rosy cheeks. 0:33:29.800 --> 0:33:30.180 Is that a song? 0:33:31.520 --> 0:33:31.820 No. 0:33:32.440 --> 0:33:32.540 Oh. 0:33:33.100 --> 0:33:35.060 And a big fat man with a big fat beard 0:33:35.080 --> 0:33:39.940 and his cherry rosy cheeks. La-di-da-di-da. And he would have 0:33:39.980 --> 0:33:44.380 a flower on his lapel. And that meant he was 0:33:44.420 --> 0:33:49.780 a politician. And so then the bees would all go 0:33:49.840 --> 0:33:52.300 and swarm around him. And then you knew he was 0:33:52.320 --> 0:33:56.480 a good politician if he could take a sting. So 0:33:56.830 --> 0:33:59.980 and then the ones, some of the great politicians, of course, 0:34:00.550 --> 0:34:04.690 had allergy to bee stings and they would die. And 0:34:04.730 --> 0:34:07.990 that was called natural selection. So this is why politicians 0:34:08.010 --> 0:34:13.399 were so important, because they We're teaching us how, who is, 0:34:14.180 --> 0:34:16.460 you know, survival, a fitness. 0:34:17.180 --> 0:34:21.810 Now, I mean, I was hanging out with my friends. Okay, well. 0:34:21.850 --> 0:34:22.710 And I got a lot of them. 0:34:22.730 --> 0:34:24.170 Stop lying. And here's another thing. 0:34:24.190 --> 0:34:24.370 No, no, no. 0:34:24.370 --> 0:34:25.230 I got a lot of them. 0:34:25.270 --> 0:34:25.810 And we were. 0:34:25.770 --> 0:34:30.810 Talking about how we heard, or at least Kenny heard. 0:34:30.870 --> 0:34:31.850 Kenny's my good friend. 0:34:32.300 --> 0:34:32.720 Kenny. 0:34:33.020 --> 0:34:36.610 Kenny. That's a name of a guy. 0:34:36.969 --> 0:34:39.890 Okay. What's Kenny's last name? 0:34:40.270 --> 0:34:41.370 Voting. What's that? 0:34:41.590 --> 0:34:42.790 What's Kenny's last name? 0:34:43.610 --> 0:34:44.690 Croatia. 0:34:45.150 --> 0:34:50.799 Kenny Croatia. So Kenny was like, hey, man, voting doesn't 0:34:50.840 --> 0:34:53.210 even fucking matter. Now, what do you have to say 0:34:53.250 --> 0:34:57.589 to that? That illusion, the illusion of choice. They're selling us. 0:34:57.650 --> 0:34:59.870 This government is selling us the illusion of choice. 0:34:59.950 --> 0:35:01.900 Is it bullshit? Because that's what Kenny says. 0:35:02.080 --> 0:35:03.759 Well, I'll tell you what I do to Kenny is 0:35:03.820 --> 0:35:06.140 I grab both his arms and I pull them back 0:35:06.160 --> 0:35:09.360 so that his shoulders snapped out of their fucking sockets. 0:35:10.239 --> 0:35:13.380 And then I would chop his throat so he'd start choking. 0:35:13.600 --> 0:35:15.800 And I'd punch him in the solar plexus so hard 0:35:15.860 --> 0:35:17.340 it tore his fucking spleen. 0:35:17.700 --> 0:35:20.140 So is that because you're, are you sort of angry 0:35:20.219 --> 0:35:21.570 at him for some reason? 0:35:21.590 --> 0:35:24.070 No, I just want to see what will happen to 0:35:24.110 --> 0:35:24.630 his body. 0:35:24.870 --> 0:35:29.310 Okay. Is he right? Are we being offered this? Like 0:35:29.710 --> 0:35:31.469 is election day just bullshit? 0:35:32.060 --> 0:35:33.700 Well, you know, Kyle. 0:35:33.739 --> 0:35:36.940 Is it like a placebo in terms of the health 0:35:37.000 --> 0:35:37.680 of the nation? 0:35:37.719 --> 0:35:40.719 Well, this is what I want you to think about. 0:35:40.840 --> 0:35:45.030 First off, it's an illusion of choice, Kyle. You are right. 0:35:45.150 --> 0:35:48.549 Voting is a placebo because let's think about what the 0:35:48.630 --> 0:35:52.509 great progress of democracy was over 1,700 years. You know, 0:35:52.630 --> 0:35:53.950 this nation was founded. 0:35:53.650 --> 0:35:56.590 By the idea of a principle of. 0:36:02.200 --> 0:36:08.810 Men, white landowning men, being able to vote in representatives 0:36:08.870 --> 0:36:12.790 to make decisions. And even while they were developing the 0:36:12.850 --> 0:36:18.989 United States Constitution, the inclination was to make the president, 0:36:20.380 --> 0:36:24.940 in effect, a king. It was only because of the 0:36:24.980 --> 0:36:30.140 better nature of some of our founding fathers. that once 0:36:30.300 --> 0:36:33.260 in some of them owned slaves, and they still were 0:36:33.360 --> 0:36:34.200 good guys. 0:36:34.219 --> 0:36:35.510 Great guys. 0:36:35.710 --> 0:36:40.009 They were the best, and they all should be revered. 0:36:40.930 --> 0:36:44.410 And then they said, okay, Paul revered, which is what 0:36:44.450 --> 0:36:44.950 they would say. 0:36:45.250 --> 0:36:49.610 Do I Paul? I Paul revere you. And then he'd go, oh, yes. 0:36:50.070 --> 0:36:51.450 They'd say, I Paul revere you? 0:36:51.890 --> 0:36:54.930 No, no, I Paul revere you. I Paul revere you. 0:36:55.070 --> 0:36:56.129 I Paul revere you. 0:36:56.290 --> 0:36:58.759 I Paul revere you. The hell is that? 0:36:59.980 --> 0:37:04.319 I don't know. Some sort of Roger Ebert thing. We 0:37:04.340 --> 0:37:05.060 should do that. 0:37:05.200 --> 0:37:12.890 We should do a movie review show. So, but the 0:37:12.930 --> 0:37:17.150 point is, is that even in all this time, Kyle, women, 0:37:17.190 --> 0:37:21.000 did you know that women, stupid women, were allowed to- 0:37:21.010 --> 0:37:21.370 I think you can. 0:37:21.330 --> 0:37:22.209 Just say women now. 0:37:22.250 --> 0:37:24.870 I don't think you're supposed to say stupid women. Just 0:37:24.910 --> 0:37:27.049 say women, and we understand that it's stupid women. 0:37:27.320 --> 0:37:28.380 Oh, it's just implied? 0:37:28.500 --> 0:37:28.860 Yes. 0:37:29.080 --> 0:37:31.239 Oh, they were given the right to vote? Did you 0:37:31.300 --> 0:37:32.180 know that, Kyle? 0:37:33.239 --> 0:37:37.160 No. Yeah, they were given. Cheryl told me the other 0:37:37.200 --> 0:37:40.820 day that she can vote. That's why Grandma can vote. 0:37:41.060 --> 0:37:43.220 This is what, Beverly Hills Cop 2 era? 0:37:43.780 --> 0:37:45.739 This is earlier than that, Kyle. 0:37:45.760 --> 0:37:48.410 This is before World War I when Eddie Murphy was 0:37:48.570 --> 0:37:53.850 just working out his best material. Okay. And now, finally, 0:37:54.190 --> 0:37:58.569 people are coming to their senses and understanding that a 0:37:59.570 --> 0:38:02.870 man should be the only one who votes and he 0:38:02.910 --> 0:38:06.359 should vote for the whole family. And if you were 0:38:06.390 --> 0:38:09.100 doing that, then you would be voting for grandma. 0:38:09.120 --> 0:38:11.000 For my grandma. Are there any studies? 0:38:11.020 --> 0:38:14.120 You wouldn't vote for your grandma. You'd vote for your grandma. 0:38:14.360 --> 0:38:16.520 I'd vote for grandma. No, no. 0:38:16.660 --> 0:38:19.960 You would not vote for grandma. You'd vote for your grandma. 0:38:20.920 --> 0:38:21.480 For grandma. 0:38:22.239 --> 0:38:25.200 No, because you're voting against yourself then. You need to 0:38:25.219 --> 0:38:26.660 vote for your grandma. 0:38:26.680 --> 0:38:28.770 I don't understand. 0:38:30.270 --> 0:38:34.189 Because you're... I'm saying that you as the man would 0:38:34.210 --> 0:38:36.890 make the decision, Kyle, so therefore you could. 0:38:36.770 --> 0:38:38.129 Vote for Kyle. 0:38:38.210 --> 0:38:39.030 I vote for grandma. 0:38:39.930 --> 0:38:43.980 Yeah. You vote for whoever the fuck you want. 0:38:44.540 --> 0:38:45.980 Okay. 0:38:46.000 --> 0:38:52.000 So... But the truth is that elections are illusions, Kyle. 0:38:53.489 --> 0:38:56.690 and and and that this placebo is what keeps the 0:38:56.830 --> 0:39:01.830 body politic healthy and in order it's very important that 0:39:01.950 --> 0:39:05.319 everything stay in order kyle. 0:39:05.780 --> 0:39:09.540 In order like one two three four five. 0:39:09.460 --> 0:39:26.950 Exactly Okay, well, let's talk about the health during the elections. 0:39:27.340 --> 0:39:27.560 Right. 0:39:27.580 --> 0:39:30.040 People are worried out there that they're not going to 0:39:30.080 --> 0:39:33.920 be safe, right? That they're not going to be safe going... Like, 0:39:34.000 --> 0:39:36.959 my grandmother is going to be threatened when she goes 0:39:37.020 --> 0:39:41.219 to vote today, right? And that's because I've hired a 0:39:41.260 --> 0:39:44.120 couple of thugs to scare the shit out of her 0:39:44.180 --> 0:39:45.969 so that she votes for me. 0:39:46.300 --> 0:39:46.620 Right. 0:39:46.660 --> 0:39:46.989 Okay? 0:39:47.300 --> 0:39:47.800 Right. 0:39:49.250 --> 0:39:53.410 Are other people... going to be threatened at the polls 0:39:53.570 --> 0:39:57.400 this is some bullshit that they're saying about trump and right. 0:39:57.440 --> 0:40:01.020 Well no here's the thing it's not bullshit it's it's 0:40:01.100 --> 0:40:03.620 the it's do you want a safe. 0:40:03.420 --> 0:40:07.430 Election no okay the answer is no right no you. 0:40:07.330 --> 0:40:10.150 Do you you want a safe election for those of 0:40:10.310 --> 0:40:13.640 us Who are correct. And the way that you do 0:40:13.700 --> 0:40:18.440 that is President Trump has been trying to end mail-in ballots, 0:40:18.540 --> 0:40:21.670 and now he has it where it's only military and 0:40:21.870 --> 0:40:26.910 old people who support him. And no more text voting, 0:40:27.010 --> 0:40:28.839 no more emoji voting. 0:40:28.860 --> 0:40:30.219 Is this going to work? 0:40:31.070 --> 0:40:36.969 Well, don't worry, Kyle, because we also know that there 0:40:37.110 --> 0:40:40.690 are a number of non-citizens, but also citizens that we 0:40:40.730 --> 0:40:46.460 don't like, like lesbians who drive minivans or men who 0:40:46.520 --> 0:40:50.859 work in veterans hospitals who do good for people. We 0:40:50.900 --> 0:40:55.140 need to kill those people because that's the most threatening 0:40:55.200 --> 0:40:59.160 thing in the world is some do-getter, do-gooder. 0:40:59.200 --> 0:41:05.040 Do-getter, yeah. A do get do good. Some do getting 0:41:05.120 --> 0:41:07.540 do good. Some do do head. 0:41:07.620 --> 0:41:11.210 Is Rosie O'Donnell allowed to vote? 0:41:11.390 --> 0:41:15.450 Oh, of course not. Because she's an Irish citizen now. 0:41:15.790 --> 0:41:19.910 And also she would be hunted down by ice. And 0:41:19.969 --> 0:41:23.739 that's what we're so happy about. As we talked about earlier, 0:41:24.239 --> 0:41:27.380 ice can kill anybody now. And so what we're doing 0:41:27.540 --> 0:41:31.149 today at the election, All around the country. 0:41:31.170 --> 0:41:32.290 That's a campaign promise, too. 0:41:32.710 --> 0:41:35.960 It is a campaign promise that President Trump made, which 0:41:36.020 --> 0:41:40.560 is we are deploying ICE and National Guard and state police. 0:41:40.840 --> 0:41:44.799 But we're also encouraging our fellow citizens to show up 0:41:45.540 --> 0:41:49.989 to the voting lines and start harassing people and. Show 0:41:50.090 --> 0:41:55.230 up and start questioning people's citizenship. You know, slow down 0:41:55.290 --> 0:41:55.950 those lines. 0:41:55.969 --> 0:42:00.760 I mean, today, even today, I went to another polling 0:42:01.020 --> 0:42:05.500 location and I released a skunk. I scared the shit 0:42:05.540 --> 0:42:07.420 out of a bunch of people and I released a 0:42:07.420 --> 0:42:09.780 skunk there just so they wouldn't fucking vote. 0:42:10.290 --> 0:42:11.130 Right, right. 0:42:11.290 --> 0:42:14.410 And the skunk sprayed everything and it was wonderful. It 0:42:14.450 --> 0:42:16.410 was amazing. Have you done that today? Have you done 0:42:16.450 --> 0:42:17.250 your civic duty? 0:42:17.800 --> 0:42:22.120 Well, I have done my civic duty. I actually just spray. 0:42:22.180 --> 0:42:25.780 I didn't need a skunk because I actually have ability 0:42:25.820 --> 0:42:26.540 to spray. 0:42:26.860 --> 0:42:27.500 How do you do that? 0:42:27.560 --> 0:42:30.020 You have to get you have to point your perennium 0:42:30.080 --> 0:42:30.779 into the air. 0:42:30.800 --> 0:42:33.219 I point my perennium into the air and then I 0:42:33.520 --> 0:42:35.580 sort of well, I grunt. 0:42:35.680 --> 0:42:38.880 I sort of go. And how much spray comes out? 0:42:40.260 --> 0:42:44.520 Do you still have to? Right. Does someone still have 0:42:44.540 --> 0:42:45.620 to step on your stomach? 0:42:46.460 --> 0:42:48.459 Yeah, well, I have a guy now. 0:42:48.480 --> 0:42:51.720 A little boy. He steps on my stomach, a little boy. 0:42:51.739 --> 0:42:55.400 I say guy, you know, just to make him feel important. 0:42:55.440 --> 0:42:59.520 But he's an eight-year-old boy I found in a Target. 0:42:59.760 --> 0:43:01.580 And he steps on your tummy. So he steps on 0:43:01.600 --> 0:43:04.540 my stomach, and then I make a big spray. But 0:43:04.560 --> 0:43:07.560 I'll tell you, it doesn't matter at the polling places, Kyle, 0:43:07.620 --> 0:43:11.000 because of all those disgusting old people that work the polls. Yeah. 0:43:11.430 --> 0:43:16.840 So President Trump has just announced today, this morning, no 0:43:16.930 --> 0:43:19.580 more oldies at the polling places. 0:43:19.680 --> 0:43:21.160 No more oldies at the pollies. 0:43:21.219 --> 0:43:22.200 No, guess what? 0:43:22.260 --> 0:43:29.270 Today and today going forward, OnlyFans is partnering with our 0:43:29.350 --> 0:43:35.110 election commission. It's called OnlyVotes, and it is the young 0:43:35.250 --> 0:43:39.170 ladies of OnlyFans who showing up they are going to 0:43:39.210 --> 0:43:42.650 replace the poll workers they're going to do a little 0:43:42.730 --> 0:43:46.890 jiggle and a little finger and they're going to show 0:43:46.969 --> 0:43:48.750 everybody what they got i would. 0:43:48.870 --> 0:43:51.790 Love to get fingered at a polling location. 0:43:51.350 --> 0:43:53.969 Well you can and and now every. 0:43:53.910 --> 0:43:56.590 Correct vote you get another finger up your. 0:43:56.670 --> 0:43:59.390 And that is the other thing is if you vote 0:43:59.469 --> 0:44:02.759 correctly You get a chunky up your butt. You get 0:44:02.950 --> 0:44:07.380 a little chunk in the butt or you get to 0:44:07.440 --> 0:44:11.160 tug a little. So the booths have actually changed. The 0:44:11.200 --> 0:44:13.969 voting booths, of course, used to be these private booths 0:44:13.989 --> 0:44:14.750 you would go to. 0:44:14.810 --> 0:44:15.810 So complicated. 0:44:15.989 --> 0:44:20.110 So complicated. Such bullshit, right? But we have now created 0:44:20.170 --> 0:44:26.009 what we call... A genital sensory voting system. 0:44:26.150 --> 0:44:28.630 So it's a reward system. Oh, my God. Tell us 0:44:28.690 --> 0:44:30.989 about this. And does this implement AI? 0:44:31.250 --> 0:44:34.750 This does implement AI. Of course it does, Kyle, because 0:44:34.969 --> 0:44:38.010 what does it? We have to do it, as you know. 0:44:38.640 --> 0:44:43.220 AI is inevitable. I feel like I turn on my light. 0:44:43.700 --> 0:44:46.580 I'm not sure what to do, so I need AI. 0:44:46.800 --> 0:44:49.020 I want to take a bite of a burger. 0:44:49.040 --> 0:44:53.660 I need AI to do that. I need my burger 0:44:53.680 --> 0:44:54.780 to be a smart burger. 0:44:54.980 --> 0:44:56.799 Yeah, well, of course you need your burger to be 0:44:56.820 --> 0:44:57.470 a smart burger. 0:44:57.489 --> 0:44:59.049 So we have smart voting booths now. 0:44:59.090 --> 0:45:00.470 We have smart voting booths. 0:45:00.530 --> 0:45:01.890 What happens? Tell us what happens. 0:45:01.910 --> 0:45:03.650 So now you. 0:45:03.510 --> 0:45:07.910 Go in to the voting area and... It is a 0:45:08.350 --> 0:45:11.350 series of booze, and it smells sort of like ammonia 0:45:11.430 --> 0:45:14.810 and bleach in there, okay? Yeah. And there are wire 0:45:14.969 --> 0:45:19.690 racks all around that are holding very old empty DVD 0:45:19.730 --> 0:45:21.009 boxes of pornography. 0:45:21.030 --> 0:45:22.490 What is a DVD? What is that? 0:45:22.590 --> 0:45:26.660 Well, it's a digital video disc, and it's something that 0:45:26.800 --> 0:45:29.339 used to have a movie on it, but now it's 0:45:29.400 --> 0:45:32.970 just an empty box with a porn movie title on it. 0:45:33.660 --> 0:45:36.100 And there's usually a guy at the counter. Now, there 0:45:36.160 --> 0:45:38.640 is one guy and he comes in and you sort 0:45:38.680 --> 0:45:41.820 of go, hi, can I get change for the booth? 0:45:42.020 --> 0:45:44.859 And he'll go, yeah. And he gives you tokens. This 0:45:44.940 --> 0:45:46.319 is Jonah Hill you're talking about. 0:45:46.520 --> 0:45:49.930 Yeah, this is Jonah Hill. He works there and he's 0:45:50.230 --> 0:45:54.770 and he's, you know, and a lot of people, even 0:45:54.850 --> 0:45:58.589 in this setting, say that he makes them feel uncomfortable. 0:45:59.530 --> 0:46:03.750 And you get your coin, which, by the way, harkens 0:46:03.890 --> 0:46:04.649 back to. 0:46:04.570 --> 0:46:05.250 The ancient Roman. 0:46:05.270 --> 0:46:06.190 They've thought of everything. 0:46:06.210 --> 0:46:06.870 This is fucking stupid. 0:46:06.930 --> 0:46:08.230 They've thought of everything. 0:46:08.770 --> 0:46:11.770 And then you go in, and you open the door, 0:46:11.989 --> 0:46:13.280 and you put your coin in. 0:46:13.290 --> 0:46:13.630 Coin in. 0:46:13.969 --> 0:46:18.259 And then a window shade pulls up, and there's the 0:46:18.570 --> 0:46:23.440 OnlyFans girl, and she has- She's AI, obviously. She's AI, 0:46:23.680 --> 0:46:26.520 and she's not real. She's a hologram, and she has 0:46:26.800 --> 0:46:30.240 the possible- Choices. 0:46:30.380 --> 0:46:30.800 Choices. 0:46:30.860 --> 0:46:34.279 Choices on her belly or maybe ones on one tit 0:46:34.420 --> 0:46:35.279 or whatever. 0:46:35.300 --> 0:46:38.339 And if you vote for Prop 69, you do get 0:46:38.360 --> 0:46:38.460 to 69. 0:46:38.440 --> 0:46:42.360 And so then you're fucking yanking your fucking, you're giving 0:46:42.400 --> 0:46:44.000 a fucking tug, right? 0:46:44.020 --> 0:46:45.799 Wait a second. We have an update. We have an update. 0:46:45.820 --> 0:46:46.840 Breaking news. 0:46:47.160 --> 0:46:47.460 So. 0:46:48.040 --> 0:46:51.130 I have to put my newsman's hat on here, Kyle. 0:46:51.150 --> 0:46:53.850 God, please, please, give me some good fucking news, Bobby. 0:46:54.170 --> 0:46:57.950 The votes are being counted. The polls have just closed, 0:46:58.110 --> 0:47:00.380 and the early returns show. 0:47:00.400 --> 0:47:07.250 Oh, my God. Kyle Quinn is in the lead... He 0:47:07.330 --> 0:47:08.810 is in the lead. 0:47:08.989 --> 0:47:12.149 It looks as if there is very little that can 0:47:12.350 --> 0:47:14.290 change the outcome right now. 0:47:14.330 --> 0:47:17.080 Grandma, you go to the basement. Unless we do, of 0:47:17.140 --> 0:47:19.340 course we have to do certification. 0:47:19.360 --> 0:47:22.379 Grandma, you're going to the basement. You're going to the basement, Grandma. 0:47:22.800 --> 0:47:25.920 Well, you know, I'm here right now doing a podcast 0:47:25.980 --> 0:47:28.250 with Kyle Quim. Kyle, do you want to tell me, 0:47:28.410 --> 0:47:33.330 newsman Bobby Kennedy Jr., not health secretary, podcaster? 0:47:33.710 --> 0:47:37.370 I'm telling you, everybody over 50 is going into the basement, 0:47:37.410 --> 0:47:38.759 and that includes you, Bobby. 0:47:38.820 --> 0:47:39.060 What? 0:47:39.620 --> 0:47:40.260 Fuck you. 0:47:40.940 --> 0:47:44.700 Hey, if I wasn't a newsman, I would have something 0:47:44.739 --> 0:47:45.620 to say to you, pal. 0:47:46.230 --> 0:47:48.910 Well, I'm in charge now, man. I just won this 0:47:49.030 --> 0:47:49.950 fucking election. 0:47:50.190 --> 0:47:50.490 Right. 0:47:50.510 --> 0:47:51.030 Basically. 0:47:51.170 --> 0:47:51.450 Yes. 0:47:51.469 --> 0:47:54.589 I mean, the polls close really soon, so fuck you. 0:47:54.830 --> 0:47:55.469 All the old. 0:47:55.410 --> 0:47:57.930 People are going into the basement. 0:47:57.989 --> 0:47:59.759 We're going to put them on a bus. We're going to. 0:47:59.989 --> 0:48:01.880 Ship them into the middle of the fucking desert. 0:48:01.960 --> 0:48:02.360 Wow. 0:48:02.420 --> 0:48:07.640 Well, because I'm in a newsman mode right now, I'm unable. 0:48:07.300 --> 0:48:08.340 To push back. 0:48:08.800 --> 0:48:09.739 You're unable to. 0:48:09.860 --> 0:48:10.600 I'm unable to push back. 0:48:10.620 --> 0:48:12.379 I'm telling you, my grandma is going to pay for 0:48:12.460 --> 0:48:13.740 sleeping with some other guy. 0:48:13.760 --> 0:48:15.529 Yeah, my journalistic ethics. 0:48:16.270 --> 0:48:18.650 dictate that i just sit here and take it do 0:48:19.110 --> 0:48:21.250 you have any other talking points you want to scream 0:48:21.270 --> 0:48:22.830 at me no i just not i. 0:48:22.770 --> 0:48:25.130 Have what we have an ad coming up here and 0:48:25.170 --> 0:48:29.200 this is a promo okay uh this is my final 0:48:29.510 --> 0:48:33.680 push my final campaign push it's my final campaign ad am. 0:48:33.700 --> 0:48:36.320 I not newsman bobby anymore. 0:48:35.820 --> 0:48:39.200 I don't know what the fuck you're doing oh okay 0:48:39.600 --> 0:48:43.600 you can stop if you want okay are you newsman. 0:48:43.580 --> 0:48:45.530 No, I don't want to do it. I don't want 0:48:45.570 --> 0:48:46.450 to be newsman. 0:48:47.430 --> 0:48:48.730 So don't be newsman. 0:48:49.050 --> 0:48:51.290 I have to be, though, when I give the news. 0:48:54.170 --> 0:48:56.330 OK, here's my final ad, and I'm going to say 0:48:56.350 --> 0:48:57.190 this to camera. 0:48:58.270 --> 0:48:58.710 Wow. 0:48:59.130 --> 0:49:04.070 Hello, District 35. Kyle Quim here. Whoa. Let's be honest, folks. 0:49:04.550 --> 0:49:08.239 Every month it feels like we're paying shit and we 0:49:08.360 --> 0:49:15.049 get shit. All while the old folks in charge, aka grandma, 0:49:15.969 --> 0:49:21.590 look out for their fucking selves. Under my geezer grandma's watch, 0:49:22.090 --> 0:49:26.050 our two-person community has had to deal with cold grilled 0:49:26.090 --> 0:49:26.870 cheese sandwiches. 0:49:27.150 --> 0:49:29.370 Make them hot, grandma, like you used to. Now you're 0:49:29.390 --> 0:49:30.730 too busy fucking Gary. 0:49:31.910 --> 0:49:35.319 She's walking in on us jerking off or shitting, and 0:49:35.360 --> 0:49:39.620 she's moronically typing an email into a text message. Or 0:49:39.660 --> 0:49:42.660 she gets up late at night to cough up phlegm 0:49:42.700 --> 0:49:46.920 in the toilet, and there's zero accountability, okay, for the 0:49:46.960 --> 0:49:50.840 titanic-sized elderberry pills that take up most of the freezer. 0:49:52.260 --> 0:49:54.980 My freezer is filled with pills, and I bet yours 0:49:55.080 --> 0:49:58.800 is too. Grandma loves to talk a huge game about 0:49:58.860 --> 0:50:01.569 letting us curse at election time, and she makes big 0:50:01.670 --> 0:50:07.109 fucking promises in her fucking moo-moo. But the truth is 0:50:07.469 --> 0:50:10.290 that the second she gets into office, it's back to 0:50:10.330 --> 0:50:15.379 the same old hack garbage and empty talk. She won't 0:50:15.420 --> 0:50:17.560 even let us say the word fart anymore at the 0:50:17.600 --> 0:50:23.279 dinner table. I can't even blow a fucking brown air 0:50:23.360 --> 0:50:27.430 load into the fucking air while she serves us her 0:50:27.550 --> 0:50:31.950 fucking meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Fuck you, Gary, and fuck you, Grandma. 0:50:32.780 --> 0:50:37.390 We can't afford another term of this twat. It's time 0:50:37.430 --> 0:50:41.730 for a fresh start and a fresh direction that puts normal, 0:50:42.090 --> 0:50:49.350 hardworking shithead boys in charge who are misogynist first. Fuck 0:50:49.390 --> 0:50:52.470 my grandma. Not Gary, though. 0:50:53.270 --> 0:50:56.370 Me. I'm Kyle Quim and I approve this message. 0:50:57.610 --> 0:51:02.299 Whoa. Wow, Kyle, that was some tough talk for a 0:51:02.320 --> 0:51:02.680 final ad. 0:51:02.719 --> 0:51:04.760 Well, I had to go out with a bang, my friend. 0:51:05.200 --> 0:51:08.730 Also, it was pretty wild to do your last campaign 0:51:08.830 --> 0:51:11.150 ad after the polls closed. 0:51:11.170 --> 0:51:14.030 The polls closed in five minutes. 0:51:14.210 --> 0:51:15.980 I think they already closed. 0:51:16.200 --> 0:51:19.960 They're already closed? Holy shit. 0:51:20.000 --> 0:51:24.210 I think that we are already close. 0:51:24.430 --> 0:51:27.170 Well, this is for the next election. 0:51:27.210 --> 0:51:29.550 That's the way it goes now. Right, Kyle? 0:51:29.590 --> 0:51:32.910 The way you get elected, you got to start running again. 0:51:32.930 --> 0:51:34.750 Yeah, you got to start running. 0:51:34.790 --> 0:51:35.530 That's unbelievable. 0:51:35.550 --> 0:51:38.570 What a what a what a hamster wheel our political 0:51:38.630 --> 0:51:39.450 system is. 0:51:39.950 --> 0:51:40.529 That's right. 0:51:40.630 --> 0:51:42.870 Oh, Kyle, I'm getting breaking news. 0:51:43.739 --> 0:51:43.969 What? 0:51:44.260 --> 0:51:46.100 Yes, I'm breaking. 0:51:45.700 --> 0:51:46.180 News, Kyle. 0:51:46.219 --> 0:51:47.980 Holy shit, this must be the actual results, folks. 0:51:48.000 --> 0:51:49.880 This is the actual results. 0:51:50.840 --> 0:51:55.880 I'm reporting here from Good Science Pod News Election Update. 0:51:56.520 --> 0:52:04.100 This is probably the most important election of our lifetimes. Woo! And. 0:52:04.969 --> 0:52:07.129 Wait a minute. Hold on. What's that? 0:52:07.190 --> 0:52:11.610 What's my own brain telling me? My own brain's telling 0:52:11.650 --> 0:52:11.890 me that. 0:52:11.930 --> 0:52:14.940 What? Oh, no. 0:52:14.960 --> 0:52:18.910 Okay. What happened, my grandma? 0:52:19.010 --> 0:52:28.569 Unfortunately, due to voting irregularities in District 35, Kyle Quim 0:52:29.170 --> 0:52:34.340 was not registered to vote in his district or and 0:52:34.430 --> 0:52:37.220 has not been ever registered to vote. 0:52:37.820 --> 0:52:39.030 What are you talking about? 0:52:39.930 --> 0:52:44.270 And his vote... Kyle, you were correct. There were voting 0:52:44.330 --> 0:52:49.700 irregularities in your district, but the voting irregularities were your own. 0:52:50.360 --> 0:52:50.740 No! 0:52:50.780 --> 0:52:54.799 Kyle Quim has been disqualified. His vote is not only 0:52:54.840 --> 0:52:58.900 being reviewed, the Federal Election Commission and ICE... might actually 0:52:59.000 --> 0:53:04.250 intercede and potentially detain Kyle for a period of time 0:53:04.590 --> 0:53:08.190 to question whether he is, in fact, a citizen or 0:53:08.270 --> 0:53:12.770 even worse, a veteran's nurse or a minivan-driving lesbian. 0:53:13.570 --> 0:53:13.790 What? 0:53:14.510 --> 0:53:18.890 This is fucking crazy, Bobby. Grandma has won the election. 0:53:18.989 --> 0:53:20.310 Grandma has won. 0:53:20.330 --> 0:53:21.609 It is official. 0:53:21.790 --> 0:53:26.430 It is officially recorded that Grandma is now District 35's 0:53:26.469 --> 0:53:27.970 representative out of Austin. 0:53:27.989 --> 0:53:29.290 This has shifted the election. 0:53:29.330 --> 0:53:31.750 I'm sorry, but I went down to City Hall. I 0:53:31.810 --> 0:53:32.690 showed my passport. 0:53:32.710 --> 0:53:33.530 It doesn't matter. 0:53:33.590 --> 0:53:36.469 I showed my blood. I showed blood work. No. What 0:53:36.489 --> 0:53:38.610 are you talking about? What do I have to do 0:53:38.650 --> 0:53:39.330 to register? 0:53:39.410 --> 0:53:43.050 You had to fill out a piece of paper, Kyle, 0:53:43.130 --> 0:53:44.170 and just mail it in. 0:53:44.969 --> 0:53:46.860 No, no, no, no. I went to that glory hole. 0:53:46.880 --> 0:53:49.560 You did blood work? What were you doing? I'm taking 0:53:49.620 --> 0:53:53.000 my newsman's hat off for a moment. Were you getting married? 0:53:53.040 --> 0:53:55.120 That's what you do when you're getting married. Did you 0:53:55.280 --> 0:53:56.549 marry your grandmother? 0:53:57.230 --> 0:54:00.690 I went to the registration van, the white van. I 0:54:00.730 --> 0:54:02.650 went inside. I did the blood work. I did the 0:54:02.690 --> 0:54:05.230 glory hole stuff. I did everything. Wait a minute. 0:54:05.860 --> 0:54:07.800 Hold on. The glory hole stuff? 0:54:08.300 --> 0:54:08.540 Yes. 0:54:09.380 --> 0:54:13.450 I thought that Trump enacted new voting laws to making 0:54:13.489 --> 0:54:15.450 it harder for people to vote. 0:54:15.489 --> 0:54:18.570 So that's why you did an autism test. 0:54:19.850 --> 0:54:21.730 In the white van. Yes. 0:54:21.850 --> 0:54:24.400 Did someone suck on your peepee to see if you 0:54:24.440 --> 0:54:25.279 were autistic? 0:54:27.360 --> 0:54:28.640 Yeah. 0:54:29.580 --> 0:54:29.880 Yeah. 0:54:30.860 --> 0:54:34.279 Kyle, you just did an autism test. It's one of 0:54:34.430 --> 0:54:37.509 my vans. It's one of the Health and Human Services 0:54:37.810 --> 0:54:42.850 mobile glory hole vans where former January Sixers suck on 0:54:43.430 --> 0:54:48.259 penises to see if they are autistic. I told you 0:54:48.380 --> 0:54:52.060 all about this when we first started the podcast. I 0:54:52.100 --> 0:54:53.500 can't believe you, Kyle. 0:54:53.520 --> 0:54:54.759 My grandma's going to fucking. 0:54:55.030 --> 0:54:57.710 Yeah, your grandma's going to... I'll tell you one thing 0:54:57.770 --> 0:55:02.149 right now. You think your grandma, President Trump, is not 0:55:02.170 --> 0:55:05.050 going to be happy with you or me, you fucking fuck-up? 0:55:05.489 --> 0:55:07.469 President Trump is the ultimate grandma. 0:55:07.969 --> 0:55:09.940 What the fuck did you just say? 0:55:10.520 --> 0:55:12.040 He's the ultimate grandma. 0:55:12.560 --> 0:55:13.279 I guess you're right. 0:55:13.300 --> 0:55:14.220 He's our grandma. 0:55:14.460 --> 0:55:15.540 He is our grandma. 0:55:16.489 --> 0:55:21.400 He's our grandma, and he lets us make milk socks 0:55:21.760 --> 0:55:23.200 on his fingernails. 0:55:24.040 --> 0:55:25.100 The eggplant stuff. 0:55:26.080 --> 0:55:29.340 Eggplant juice, and I mix it with my cat and crunch, 0:55:29.400 --> 0:55:33.950 and I eat it on the sofa at grandma's house 0:55:34.570 --> 0:55:35.790 in Boynton Beach. 0:55:37.330 --> 0:55:38.569 I love grandma. 0:55:39.090 --> 0:55:41.649 Okay, well, I don't know what to do about this. 0:55:41.690 --> 0:55:43.509 I don't know what my grandma and Gary are going 0:55:43.530 --> 0:55:44.089 to do right now. 0:55:44.110 --> 0:55:46.029 Oh, my God, this just in. 0:55:46.690 --> 0:55:53.110 What Kyle's grandma and Gary they're they're fucking in Kyle's 0:55:53.210 --> 0:55:55.390 bedroom right now. 0:55:55.050 --> 0:55:57.890 Stop it stop it Bobby you fucking ass. 0:55:57.830 --> 0:56:01.290 I'm wearing my newsman's hat Kyle and I'm telling you 0:56:01.650 --> 0:56:04.880 that this is official reporting coming from good science pod 0:56:04.930 --> 0:56:12.500 news Kyle's grandma and Gary are having wet sloppy. 0:56:11.940 --> 0:56:15.040 Listen to me Gary she's mine. 0:56:17.460 --> 0:56:22.400 Good Science is a production of Silly Gilly, Big Money Players, 0:56:22.840 --> 0:56:31.070 iHeart Podcasts, and 137LTD. Hosted by Anthony Atamanek as RFK Jr. 0:56:31.730 --> 0:56:34.650 And Gil Ozary as Kyle Quim. 0:56:35.469 --> 0:56:42.210 Senior producer and audio engineer Emma Erdbrink. Supervising producer Victor Wright. 0:56:43.130 --> 0:56:49.770 Our executive producers are Lindsay Hoffman and Jack O'Brien. Created 0:56:49.870 --> 0:56:55.250 by Anthony Atamanek and Gil Ozeri. And special thanks to 0:56:55.390 --> 0:57:04.620 our AI therapists, Terry and Michael. New episodes drop every Tuesday. 0:57:05.080 --> 0:57:13.390 And follow us on Instagram and TikTok at GoodSciencePod. And... Follow, like, 0:57:13.670 --> 0:57:18.300 and subscribe our YouTube channel, Good Science Pod.