WEBVTT - CZM Book Club: Locust House, by Adam Gnade (Part Three of Four) 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:09.440 Cool Media. Hello and welcome nichols On Media book Club, 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:11.600 the only book club where you don't have to do 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:15.720 the reading, because I do it for you. We are 0:00:15.760 --> 0:00:19.880 doing our summer beach read wherever you find the beach, 0:00:20.440 --> 0:00:24.440 I often find it at creeks, and during our summer 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:26.920 beach reads, we read something that's a little longer than 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:29.280 we normally feature, so you can bank up a few 0:00:29.320 --> 0:00:31.720 episodes for a road trip or a summer hike, or 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:36.519 sitting by the creek and watching the creek, which is 0:00:36.680 --> 0:00:41.000 nicer actually when it's not painfully horrendously hot out, which 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:43.920 it is right now. I'm really excited about how in 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:47.080 the future we're only going to have two seasons summer 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:50.199 in hell Mouth, nine months of summer, three months of Hellmouth. 0:00:50.520 --> 0:00:53.640 That's what we have to look forward to anyway. But 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:57.639 right now we are continuing our read through a Locust 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:01.920 House by Adam Gannatti. This is part three. Locust House 0:01:02.000 --> 0:01:04.320 is a novella about the San Diego punk scene and 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:07.760 the fucked up but still empathizeable people that you find there. 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:10.080 It's part three of four. You should listen to the 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:12.240 first two parts. I'm not going to tell you have to, 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:16.480 but I'm gonna tell you you should. Last week we 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:20.480 met two people partners, James and Francis, who got a 0:01:20.520 --> 0:01:24.000 lots and ran into their other friend, Joey, who's been 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:27.840 kind of going off the rails lately. Then they rendezvoued 0:01:27.920 --> 0:01:30.160 with their other pal Tyler and decided to go to 0:01:30.200 --> 0:01:33.800 the closing party of the East Street House aka the 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:39.399 Avocado Club aka Locust House, so named because the members 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:43.600 of an electrifying grind core band called the Locust they 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:46.080 all live there. And that's where we'll pick up for 0:01:46.120 --> 0:01:49.360 this week, with James narrating. I mean, I'm narrating, but 0:01:49.480 --> 0:01:52.200 you know, it's a sort of interviewish format this particular 0:01:52.280 --> 0:01:54.200 part of the book. The book is written in a 0:01:54.280 --> 0:01:57.560 lot of different sort of interesting formats. Here we are, 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:02.600 this is James. There's this line from Costaveti's great film 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:07.440 Opening Night, where Gina Rollins character says, when I was seventeen, 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:11.200 I could do anything. It was so easy. My emotions 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:14.320 were so close to the surface, finding it harder and 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:18.280 harder to stay in touch. That's how it was. I mean, 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:23.680 I wasn't exactly young Francis was. I wasn't. But here's 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:26.680 the thing. I was a ghost. In high school. I 0:02:26.720 --> 0:02:29.760 had no friends to speak of, and my everyday plan 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:33.040 was survival. I wanted to live through the day without 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:35.680 confrontation and get home so I could hide in my 0:02:35.720 --> 0:02:39.720 bedroom and what I don't know, draw, read magazines, stare 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:43.519 at the wall. My youth was a total shit storm. 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:47.519 After elementary school, which was great, and so was my childhood, 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:50.680 a good, ideal, sweet one where I felt loved and 0:02:50.720 --> 0:02:54.200 safe and respected, I hit middle school like a piece 0:02:54.240 --> 0:02:57.560 of hamburger dropped on a grill. Walking the halls of 0:02:57.600 --> 0:03:01.360 peb Middle I felt like a fox hunt constantly in 0:03:01.400 --> 0:03:03.560 a world where no one had ever seen a fox, 0:03:03.600 --> 0:03:07.160 but really intensely wanted to eat one on a bun 0:03:07.240 --> 0:03:10.760 with bacon and mayo. I hated bacon and I hated mayo, 0:03:11.200 --> 0:03:15.440 but more than anything, I hated myself. Of course, as 0:03:15.440 --> 0:03:18.200 it goes, people hated me because I hated myself, and 0:03:18.320 --> 0:03:20.520 because of that, I was scared of my shadow and 0:03:20.639 --> 0:03:24.960 inarticulate and full of heavy, awful weapons, great anxiety that 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:29.600 sabotaged me at every step. I wanted to die because 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:31.920 I knew I was nothing, and I wanted to die 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:34.120 because I knew no one would ever care what I 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:37.720 had to say. My life was powerless. I saw the 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:41.360 future as a bland, stultifying thing that looked like those 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:44.720 horrible shtheads from friends sitting on a couch and some 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:49.160 fancy ass well lit New York coffee shop trading mild insults. 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:52.600 Hated them, and I hated that the future, my future 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:55.400 was headed that way. At the time, I had no 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:57.680 other frame of reference to tell me life could be 0:03:57.720 --> 0:04:01.440 something else. What I saw, what I knew, was what 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:04.640 I was given by mainstream media, and if adulthood looked 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:09.240 like must CTV, I wanted out no future, no fun, 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:14.000 no hope, no beauty. I was wrong, of course, but 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:16.840 at that time my true youth I was a dog 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.599 that had been kicked so often I flinched at every tremor. 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:24.240 I didn't have that impressionable, romantic, idealistic teenagehood like a 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:27.960 lot of people that came later. It came in my 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:30.599 early twenties, and it came when punk rock found me 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:33.560 in the audience of that Cha Cafe show and dragged 0:04:33.600 --> 0:04:36.400 me in. It was a moment that arrived when I 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:39.719 least expected it, and beyond giving me good music, it 0:04:39.839 --> 0:04:42.279 told me life could be shaped however you want, as 0:04:42.600 --> 0:04:45.480 long as you work hard and dig for new options. 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:48.120 The important thing was to fight every day to make 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:50.720 your life what you wanted it to be. I had 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:52.560 so many people telling me life had to be this 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.159 one set thing, and finding out that I didn't have 0:04:55.200 --> 0:04:57.240 to listen to them, that I could come up with 0:04:57.279 --> 0:05:00.200 my own way to live busted my world. And two, 0:05:01.480 --> 0:05:04.920 which is to say, I fell head over heels in 0:05:05.000 --> 0:05:09.400 love with the brutalist, smartest, meanest kind of punk rock. 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:12.800 And it opened up life like a giant window with 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:16.040 all the sunlight in the world streaming in. And that 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.160 all led to the final house show A two four one, 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:24.200 one E Street, the Avocado Club, the E Street House, 0:05:24.600 --> 0:05:27.640 the Locust House, whatever you called it. The place was 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:31.560 an epicenter for things free of bullshit, a burning atomic 0:05:31.680 --> 0:05:34.440 center point to the neighborhood and the scene and punk 0:05:34.520 --> 0:05:40.760 rock in general. Francis. One of my strongest memories of 0:05:40.800 --> 0:05:43.240 that time has less to do with the party than 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:46.960 the aftermath. Everyone moved out of the house right and 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:48.920 as soon as they were gone, the new tenants hung 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:53.520 an American flag from the second story. It went suddenly 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:56.000 from the cool house on the block where the best 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.760 bands lived to the fucking White House. You have to 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:02.359 remem this was just a year after nine to eleven, 0:06:02.839 --> 0:06:06.359 and a lot of us had some pretty ugh, I 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:10.720 don't want to say, well yeah, okay, anti American sentiments 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:13.520 at the time. We were angry and we felt let 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:17.280 down some of us, a lot of us were sure 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:20.520 our government had cost it. Even if it wasn't an 0:06:20.520 --> 0:06:23.400 inside job like some people say, we were at the 0:06:23.520 --> 0:06:27.120 very least responsible for waging constant global war for money 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:31.720 and calling it justice. It's an awful thing when you 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:33.919 grow up thinking that you and your country are the 0:06:33.920 --> 0:06:36.799 good guys, and then you find out it's all bullshit. 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:40.039 The day I realized we weren't as noble as I'd 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:44.560 been told, fuck man, it was a crushing moment. It 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:49.039 changed me. I've never been the same from a very 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:52.080 young age. I've been looking for community. Most of the 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:55.039 time you were let down, but sometimes, if even for 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:57.719 a short while, it felt like we were all in 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:01.400 it together. That's how our scene felt, and losing that 0:07:01.480 --> 0:07:05.480 house was a huge blow. Maybe not for everyone, maybe 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:07.919 not even for the bands or the people who lived there, 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:11.920 but for me it was a symbol of a better, smarter, 0:07:12.480 --> 0:07:17.119 more ethical life. It seemed firm and substantial. It felt 0:07:17.160 --> 0:07:21.240 like something that couldn't be taken away from us. That's 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:24.400 one thing I've learned. People say that there are things 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:28.320 that can't be taken from you. Everything can be taken 0:07:28.400 --> 0:07:31.760 from you the place you live, your friends, your family, 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:35.280 your health, your youth, your sense of self or your dignity, 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:40.640 your freedom, your confidence, your spirit, anything. There is nothing 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:43.040 in you that's yours to keep. If someone else wants 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.680 it bad enough, you try to hold on to it. 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:52.240 But life is inherently unfairly violent. From our scene, and 0:07:52.280 --> 0:07:54.840 even more so at that last party, I felt a 0:07:54.920 --> 0:07:57.840 kind of togetherness that was like what we experienced in 0:07:57.880 --> 0:08:01.320 the weeks following nine to eleven. People were suddenly good 0:08:01.320 --> 0:08:04.000 to each other, and it seemed like we were, oh, 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:06.240 please get that, and it seemed like we were all 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:10.600 closer than we were before. Of course, that was over fast. 0:08:11.240 --> 0:08:14.800 In both circumstances, the party was shut down by the 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:19.040 cops and everyone left. People stopped watching the news after 0:08:19.040 --> 0:08:23.480 the attacks because they couldn't take the footage, or because 0:08:23.520 --> 0:08:25.280 they had to live their lives to get by, to 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:29.640 keep moving. I understand that. I remember sitting on the 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:32.200 couch at my mom's house with James and my sister 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:36.160 Sadie and Rebecca, watching the news reports with the towers 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:42.959 burning and people jumping out, holding hands, falling, falling, Ugh, 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:48.040 and us sitting there crying all day, so scared, so uncertain. 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:51.440 Around dinnertime, a couple of my friends showed up with 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:55.000 a fucking pizza. They wanted to hang out and then 0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:57.800 go to a show at the Chay or the Epicenter somewhere. 0:08:58.520 --> 0:09:01.880 I was like, what the fuck. I didn't say what 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:04.320 the fuck, but I did say, haven't you guys been 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:08.280 watching the news? My friend Timmy Willetts, standing in the 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:12.560 doorway holding the pizza box, shrugged and said, kind of, 0:09:13.080 --> 0:09:17.360 I know something happened, but like, but they didn't care. 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:21.000 People move on or they don't feel something as deeply 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:23.880 as they should. I thought that after nine to eleven 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:28.120 there should be some kind of greater togetherness in our culture, 0:09:28.160 --> 0:09:30.000 just like I felt as though the energy of that 0:09:30.080 --> 0:09:33.720 party would carry on. In both cases, I was wrong, 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:38.200 and it was incredibly isolating. Situations like those are moments 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:42.280 of innocence, and once innocence is replaced by cynicism or 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:46.120 even a lack of concern. It can deal a heavy blow. 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:50.520 You experience closeness, but then it's a temporary closeness, and 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:53.760 once you realize that it's over, then things start feeling 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:58.560 pretty lonely. I've always wanted people to join together in 0:09:58.600 --> 0:10:02.040 their neighborhoods they're scene, or in their families, whatever it is. 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:06.160 But the fact of the matter is Americans are bad togetherness. 0:10:06.920 --> 0:10:10.119 We're afraid of it, or we label it as this dangerous, 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:13.880 subversive thing, this toxic kind of discord in the face 0:10:13.920 --> 0:10:18.400 of rugged American individualism, which is nothing but bullshit and 0:10:18.440 --> 0:10:22.600 self sabotage. Or we find it and it feels so good, 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:26.800 it feels natural. But just as soon as we're brought together, 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:30.160 we either let go or allow ourselves to be pulled 0:10:30.200 --> 0:10:34.280 away from each other, or we stop caring, we find 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.640 other things to take up our interest, We get distracted. 0:10:39.120 --> 0:10:41.480 I wanted to take the flag off that porch and 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:44.719 burn it, just like I wanted to kick George W. 0:10:44.840 --> 0:10:48.840 Bush's grave, half smirking monkey face in. I wanted to 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:51.160 take the flag in order to keep the house alive, 0:10:51.600 --> 0:10:55.760 which wouldn't work. Of course, the end happened. It was over. 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:58.880 People go on with their lives, and sometimes what they 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:02.839 do next is even better. Or people forget, they allow 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:05.320 themselves to be caught up in something and then they 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:08.560 brush it off. The house was not the house anymore, 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:12.360 and it never would be again. I knew that, but 0:11:12.440 --> 0:11:15.600 I had to do something. I had to act. I 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:19.760 needed some sort of pure driven cleansing to happen. I 0:11:19.880 --> 0:11:23.120 had to burn the flag. There was no other option. 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:28.440 Much like dear listeners, the compulsion we feel to throw 0:11:28.480 --> 0:11:31.040 to ads, and trust me, I do wish there was 0:11:31.080 --> 0:11:47.000 any other option, but no, I feel compulsed. Here's the ads, 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:55.200 and we're back. For months after the party, James and 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:58.480 I had a vague, sort of unrealized plan to steal 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.440 the flag. We talked, talked about it often, but like 0:12:01.480 --> 0:12:04.080 most of our plans at the time, it never got 0:12:04.080 --> 0:12:09.280 off the ground. One night that summer, James, Tyler, Sadie 0:12:09.280 --> 0:12:11.559 and I stayed up late drinking this big jug of 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:15.520 Carla Rossi Burgundy and listening to Hella's newest record over 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:20.400 and over again on both speeds, like Tyler loved. At 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:25.120 some point four am, no later, maybe five, I knew 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:28.240 it was time I got up off the couch. And 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:33.160 shushed the room. Sh Okay, listen, okay, guys, let's go 0:12:33.200 --> 0:12:36.920 capture the goddamn fucking flag, I said, and then everyone 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:40.800 was excited. We trooped on down there, sticking to the 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:44.320 alleyways in the darker side streets, stopping to sit on 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:47.520 curbs or garden walls and drink the last of the wine, 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:52.439 all full of noble purpose and what we thought was righteousness. 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:56.120 For Tyler and Sadie and maybe even James, it was 0:12:56.200 --> 0:12:59.320 more a fun, crazy thing to do. I wanted them 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:03.080 to feel like I did, but I knew they didn't. Still, 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:05.280 they were caught up in the moment, and I let 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:07.640 myself imagine that they felt it just as much as 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:10.600 I did. I needed to believe we were all doing 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:13.920 this thing for the same reason, even if they were 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:17.280 faking it. A little felt good to be together. It 0:13:17.360 --> 0:13:19.440 scared the hell out of me to think James, of 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:22.240 all people, didn't feel this as much as I did. 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:26.439 Knowing I would later find out that he didn't care 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:28.800 as deeply as me. That he didn't have the same 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:34.200 ideals was heartbreaking. We're not together anymore, but we're still friends. 0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:37.559 I wish he was more like me, but maybe he's 0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:40.760 happier because he's not. I'll give him that. I can 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:44.040 understand wanting some distance from the shitty evilness of the world. 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:47.040 I don't know, maybe I wish I was more like 0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:50.640 him Back then. I lived for parties and believed in 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:54.120 having fun above all. I still do, but my work 0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:56.720 keeps me away from enjoying myself a lot of the time. 0:13:57.559 --> 0:14:00.800 James has always been optimistic, and he let thing slide 0:14:00.840 --> 0:14:04.720 off his back. We've been that way before, but I'm 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:09.040 not that way now. Anyway. We took our time, talking 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:11.920 a lot, saying big things, and letting the grandness of 0:14:11.960 --> 0:14:14.600 what we were about to do color our speech with bold, 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:20.320 wild ideas and words that would sound preposterous. The next morning, James, 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:23.520 who was happy drunk, kept saying, I feel like Robin 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:27.120 Hood and I did too. We had a purpose. We were 0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:29.440 going to strike back for the neighborhood and the scene 0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:32.960 and win one for the good guys. So we got 0:14:33.000 --> 0:14:36.800 to the house and there were cops everywhere. The place 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:40.320 was a mess, a fire truck and ambulance squad cars 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:43.240 with lights spinning and flashing on the line of houses 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:47.840 and parked cars. What said Sadie, She just kept saying 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:53.400 it over and over again. What what? What? A couple 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:55.840 of EMTs were on the lawn working on this older 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:59.479 woman in a torn, open pink bathrobe, full on CPR. 0:14:59.640 --> 0:15:03.080 Then the which was a horrible thing to see. The 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:07.440 paddles pushed down, the body flopped up, then the paddles again. 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:11.240 We stood there and watched them try to bring this 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:14.480 poor fucking woman back to life. And we stood there 0:15:14.520 --> 0:15:16.960 and we stood there, and we stood there, and they 0:15:17.000 --> 0:15:20.200 weren't having any success. But by then Tyler and Sadie 0:15:20.200 --> 0:15:24.000 and I were crying and Ugh, I hope to God 0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:29.760 they'd save her. Nothing happened. They kept working. We turned 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:32.800 around and walked home. The sun was beginning to come 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:35.520 up over the housetops to the east, and the four 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:37.880 of us walked together and no one said a thing. 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:41.960 It was like a death toll ringing the final toll. 0:15:42.840 --> 0:15:45.280 Not just for the woman. I hope she lived but 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:48.120 I never found out, but for this thing I wanted 0:15:48.160 --> 0:15:51.560 so badly to be a greater part of my life. 0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:57.800 We never went back. Tyler. It was good to hang 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:00.880 out with kids like Frankie and James, because that was 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:04.560 really not me. I wasn't searching for myself like they were, 0:16:04.600 --> 0:16:07.920 and I didn't need the same things they needed. I've 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:10.520 always had a plan, and these days I am exactly 0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:14.520 where I hoped I would be. People change, but I 0:16:14.560 --> 0:16:19.600 haven't changed much. The wild, manically drinking, drug guzzling Tyler 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:24.600 Monahan isn't much different from doctor Tyler Monahan because I've 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:28.320 always been on this path. Frankie and James they were. 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:33.920 They are, impulsive, naive, emotional. Everything they did they did 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:36.920 last minute and reckless, and most of the time what 0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:40.600 they tried to do didn't work. There was no premeditative thought, 0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:43.880 none at all. It was on the fly and unexamined, 0:16:43.920 --> 0:16:46.240 and you've got to be very good or very lucky 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:50.840 to succeed that way. Frankie and James believed in things 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:54.920 I enjoyed but didn't necessarily have to have. They believed 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:57.720 in the bands, and they believed in the scene. They 0:16:57.760 --> 0:17:00.880 believed in finding community and in people joining together in 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:04.080 the name of something bigger than them. I was around 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:06.679 for all of that, especially the shows and parties. But 0:17:06.760 --> 0:17:10.560 really this sounds more dismissive than I'd like. I was 0:17:10.640 --> 0:17:14.280 just blowing off steam. Things like that party were fun, 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:18.360 but they were just parties. My prime directive was getting 0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:23.359 shit done. The rest was just. The rest was all diversions, 0:17:23.400 --> 0:17:27.200 great fun, thrilling diversions, but it wasn't all that important 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:30.360 to me. You don't dwell on the past. You move forward. 0:17:30.440 --> 0:17:33.320 And if you do that and plan well and make calm, rational, 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:36.600 deliberate choices along the way, you'll find the present is 0:17:36.600 --> 0:17:40.320 a lot better than what came before. We all make mistakes, 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:42.280 and we all lose things. But if you spend too 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:47.399 much time looking back, we'll never go anywhere. Much like 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:52.560 dear listeners, how the ad transitions aren't going anywhere. They 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:57.440 never look back. They continue forward as they consume, much 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:16.920 like you will. Here's ads, and we're back the wild. 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:21.920 Tyler Monahan didn't exist on weekdays. I studied. I spent 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.679 long hours in the chemistry lab, and I tutored, and 0:18:24.720 --> 0:18:27.560 I moved toward my goal at a nice, even keel. 0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:30.919 When I got there, it happened faster than I thought. 0:18:31.440 --> 0:18:33.920 I found I was happier than I imagined I would be. 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:37.800 Were least contented, secure in my place. I felt a 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:42.320 little lonely because it was still is something I did 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:46.680 on my own. Frankie and James have both had, well, 0:18:47.119 --> 0:18:50.480 to be honest, much harder lives than mine. I feel 0:18:50.480 --> 0:18:52.239 bad for them, of course, but when we get what 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:55.240 we work for, and that's that's what they got, I'll 0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:57.560 always stand behind them and have their back. I mean 0:18:58.119 --> 0:19:01.520 this is serious. I'm serious. I'd give my life for 0:19:01.560 --> 0:19:04.600 those two, and I say that without exaggeration. But I 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:06.400 know what I am and I know what they are, 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:11.120 and we're different animals. I get sad thinking about them sometimes, 0:19:11.280 --> 0:19:14.000 and when I do, I feel old. I feel creaky 0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:19.120 and lonely and kind of kind of maybe cold, yeah, cold, 0:19:20.000 --> 0:19:22.760 But then I remember the good things I have, the 0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:25.359 fact that we're only how would you say this, only 0:19:25.520 --> 0:19:29.800 very tangentially involved in each other's lives. These days, it 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:33.640 is hard. Sometimes. We've talked about that the three of us. 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:36.919 Some fantasy part of me would love it if we 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:39.760 all lived in the same house one day, we could 0:19:39.800 --> 0:19:43.000 grow old together, keep each other company. But I know 0:19:43.040 --> 0:19:48.679 it's just that fantasy. We're far too different now, just 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:53.640 as it was back then. Sometimes I think we are 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:58.080 truly a lost generation, not in the romantic literary Paris 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:02.119 nineteen twenties way Frankie always hoped, but lost in the 0:20:02.160 --> 0:20:05.680 sense that America is this huge, vast, enormous place where 0:20:06.200 --> 0:20:09.880 everyone you know lives so astronomically far away from each other. 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:15.760 There's a deep, sad estrangement in Americans. We're also spread 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:20.720 apart and isolated, living these remote, far flung lives. We've 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:24.600 chosen this. Maybe we could have chosen differently. I don't know, 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:28.640 but this is what we wanted. I am not at 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:32.280 all nostalgic for those days. I believe in living right 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:35.800 now and being the best, happiest versions of you that 0:20:35.920 --> 0:20:39.959 you can be, and the past be damned just the same. 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:43.080 I'd be lying if I didn't say the wild Tyler 0:20:43.200 --> 0:20:47.040 Monahan and he's still there. Wouldn't love to step back 0:20:47.080 --> 0:20:50.359 into the madness sometimes and feel all that all that 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:53.919 energy bursting around him, energy that was not really his, 0:20:54.119 --> 0:20:57.720 but that he enjoyed nonetheless and was caught up in, and, 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:04.320 if only for a short time, feltly substantially alive. James. 0:21:05.760 --> 0:21:08.120 The first few hours of the party were spent moving 0:21:08.240 --> 0:21:12.080 room to room, watching whatever band was playing. At that point, 0:21:12.119 --> 0:21:14.080 my bottle of mad Dog was gone, and I was 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:17.320 floating along stupidly in a way I never would again. 0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:20.600 Seeing the sights like an astronaut on a new planet 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:24.880 or a tourist in my own neighborhood. The later it got, 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:27.480 the more people arrived, until you could barely get through 0:21:27.520 --> 0:21:31.040 the holmes. At some point we ran into Ted Boone 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:34.000 in a leather jacket and a very dirty Joy Division shirt, 0:21:34.160 --> 0:21:36.879 who was visiting from Portland, and dragged me, Tyler and 0:21:36.920 --> 0:21:39.679 Frankie out behind the house and made us do shots 0:21:39.680 --> 0:21:41.560 of brandy with him while he told us about his 0:21:41.640 --> 0:21:45.600 plans to join the seminary. You guys, I'm doing it. 0:21:45.840 --> 0:21:48.320 Next time you see me, I'll be Reverend ted Boone. 0:21:48.880 --> 0:21:50.640 He made the sign of the Cross in the air. 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:55.200 Tyler shook his head. I don't believe that. You There's 0:21:55.240 --> 0:21:59.000 no way you hate Jesus. I think that's really sweet, 0:21:59.119 --> 0:22:04.160 said Frankie. Ted Boone smiled pleased. Yeah, yeah, I like that. 0:22:04.200 --> 0:22:08.040 It's sweet. You really believe in God, I asked, handing 0:22:08.040 --> 0:22:12.440 the bottle back to him. Is that trick question? Because 0:22:12.640 --> 0:22:15.880 I'm pretty sure you told me different, like many many times, 0:22:17.240 --> 0:22:20.520 Tyler laughed and took the bottle from Ted Boone. That 0:22:20.600 --> 0:22:23.560 bumper sticker on the old Boon Mobile, the one that 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:27.520 said executing Jesus, for treason is the reason for the season. 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:31.600 I remember that Ted Boone laughed and shook his head. 0:22:32.280 --> 0:22:34.080 I believe in whatever will get me where I want 0:22:34.080 --> 0:22:38.080 to go. It's kind of fucked up, I said James 0:22:38.400 --> 0:22:42.840 Tyler Francis, welcome to my world. Drink more brandy. You 0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:45.399 will start to believe in many things great and small. 0:22:45.920 --> 0:22:49.000 Drink now, because I am in a grand, amorous mood, 0:22:49.000 --> 0:22:51.840 and I must find sexual companionship of the young and 0:22:51.920 --> 0:22:54.840 firm breasted kind, or I will wither like the vine 0:22:54.880 --> 0:22:58.399 without shade. You're kind of a villain ted boon. You 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:01.840 know that, right bank on it, he said, with an 0:23:01.840 --> 0:23:05.800 evil grin. I took the bottle from Tyler and unscrewed 0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:12.359 the cap. After that, I was fucked. And dear listener, 0:23:13.200 --> 0:23:15.680 that's where we're going to leave it today, right as 0:23:15.720 --> 0:23:20.159 the party gets going. Obviously, you'll notice that this is 0:23:20.200 --> 0:23:23.000 not a story about a party. I mean it is, 0:23:23.080 --> 0:23:25.240 but you know it's not a story about a party. 0:23:25.280 --> 0:23:27.719 It's a story about our lives and who we are 0:23:27.760 --> 0:23:30.640 and who we used to be and all of that. Hazel, 0:23:30.720 --> 0:23:34.560 who helps behind the scene, says, quote, I really like 0:23:34.640 --> 0:23:37.760 how this novella plays with time scales, stretching a few 0:23:37.800 --> 0:23:41.120 hours into a whole book and compressing a lifespan in between, 0:23:41.800 --> 0:23:44.080 the way that Adam writes about punks growing out of 0:23:44.119 --> 0:23:46.800 the scene is really relatable to me. We can't burn 0:23:46.840 --> 0:23:49.440 bright forever and what do you do with yourself once 0:23:49.480 --> 0:23:53.359 you've burnt out? And it's sad, but it's also like fine. 0:23:53.920 --> 0:23:56.800 Life has phases, and this book so perfectly captures what 0:23:56.840 --> 0:23:59.199 it's like to be young and what it's like to 0:23:59.240 --> 0:24:04.679 have been young once. Really good shit, Thanks Adam. I 0:24:04.680 --> 0:24:07.480 guess I would say that that's how I feel about 0:24:07.480 --> 0:24:12.560 it too. I really think by showing different people's perspective 0:24:12.720 --> 0:24:16.280 on that particular thing, I think it does a lot 0:24:16.280 --> 0:24:20.080 of good. Or the story's good because it shows that 0:24:20.880 --> 0:24:23.360 I am not feeling articulate. It has been a long 0:24:23.480 --> 0:24:30.680 day of smog, not small wildfire smoke. But I really 0:24:30.760 --> 0:24:34.560 like the like balance of nostalgia non nostalgia, right, Like 0:24:34.600 --> 0:24:36.720 a lot of the characters like, aha, it used to 0:24:36.720 --> 0:24:39.280