Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we of
Speaker 1: course break down the Psychology of your twenties. Have you
Speaker 1: ever been told that you're too sensitive, or that you
Speaker 1: just shouldn't think so much, You're overreacting to something so small,
Speaker 1: you let the world hurt you, or my all time favorite,
Speaker 1: you just take everything so personally. If you are a
Speaker 1: highly sensitive person, these statements are definitely something that you've
Speaker 1: probably care and a most likely sick of hearing. Being
Speaker 1: a highly sensitive person is so much more than what
Speaker 1: people think it is. There is such a limited idea
Speaker 1: that if you're sensitive, you must cry all the time,
Speaker 1: you ever react, you take things too seriously that you
Speaker 1: make it difficult for others. Sensitivity is often synonymous with fragility,
Speaker 1: being easy to break, and feeling like people need to
Speaker 1: walk on eggshells around you, and these misconceptions treat our
Speaker 1: sensitivity like a character flaw, when in fact, being a
Speaker 1: deeply sensitive, gentle feeling person simply means that you have
Speaker 1: a profound and rich inner emotional life that causes you
Speaker 1: to see, feel, perceive the world differently and with more
Speaker 1: color and complexity. Everything is just heightened. The beautiful things
Speaker 1: about the world are magnified, but so is a lot
Speaker 1: of the pain and the stress and the sadness. Sometimes
Speaker 1: that can be overwhelming, but I honestly think it's better
Speaker 1: to feel a lot than nothing at all. And you
Speaker 1: know who decided that being overly sensitive is a bad
Speaker 1: thing in comparison to being insensitive or completely numb to
Speaker 1: what you're experiencing. In my mind, there's one of those
Speaker 1: that is most certainly a better option. So today we
Speaker 1: are going to discuss what it means to be a
Speaker 1: highly sensitive person, breaking down some of the myths and
Speaker 1: the misconceptions that others might have. We're also going to
Speaker 1: explore what actually makes us sensitive on a genetic level,
Speaker 1: on a parental level, on a childhood level, the hidden
Speaker 1: powers and hidden talents of sensitive people when it comes
Speaker 1: to intelligence, creativity, empathy, how to help people understand you
Speaker 1: more as a highly sensitive person, and kind of just
Speaker 1: having an overall conversation around how to make your sensitivity
Speaker 1: fit into the world, how to make the world make
Speaker 1: space for you as a sensitive person, and why the
Speaker 1: world should be doing that, why we need highly sensitive
Speaker 1: people like you and I to keep the world spinning,
Speaker 1: to keep people feeling, to bring empathy and intelligence and
Speaker 1: a certain emotional vividness to situations that other people might
Speaker 1: not bring those things. So there is so much in
Speaker 1: this episode that I think might surprise you, so many studies,
Speaker 1: research papers, fun facts that will hopefully allow you to
Speaker 1: know your own self even better as someone who is
Speaker 1: deeply feeling, as someone who is very in tune with
Speaker 1: the world and everything going on around them. Because I
Speaker 1: just feel like highly sensitive people deserve to be seen,
Speaker 1: they deserve to feel acknowledged. They are some of the
Speaker 1: best people in the world. So I want to make
Speaker 1: some space for them on this podcast and just talk
Speaker 1: about it with you guys today. So there is so
Speaker 1: much on the agenda. I'm going to stop babbling and
Speaker 1: without further ado, let's get into the psychology of highly
Speaker 1: sensitive people and kind of answering that question. Am I
Speaker 1: just too sensitive. So starting off strong, what are the
Speaker 1: actual characteristics of a highly sensitive person in comparison to
Speaker 1: someone who is of regular sensitivity. I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's regular, let's just say average. With everything. What makes
Speaker 1: someone sensitive, what makes something anything really varies. It's probably
Speaker 1: worth noting that there are two different types of sensitivity.
Speaker 1: There is reactive or environmental sensitivity, and personality or internal sensitivity.
Speaker 1: We all have times when we're just a little bit
Speaker 1: on edge and we're a little bit fragile, like when
Speaker 1: we're tired, or when our hormones are fluctuating, when our
Speaker 1: anxiety is biking because of you know, a really stressful
Speaker 1: period in our lives. These are all incredibly taxing experiences
Speaker 1: and emotional states that are going to put a strain
Speaker 1: on our limited cognitive and mental resources. That is why
Speaker 1: we are so sensitive during those times, in particular, because
Speaker 1: we genuinely just have less energy in the tank to
Speaker 1: self regulate and to process our emotions. So that is
Speaker 1: environmental or reactive sensitivity. The opposite of this is internal personality,
Speaker 1: longstanding trait sensitivity. This is the kind of hypersensitivity that
Speaker 1: is part of who we are, part of our personality.
Speaker 1: These other people who we would call highly sensitive persons HSPs.
Speaker 1: It literally has an acronym, and this was a term
Speaker 1: that was coined by the psychologist Elaine Aaron in the nineties,
Speaker 1: and she wrote probably one of the most in depth
Speaker 1: books on this, titled very appropriately, it's called the highly
Speaker 1: sensitive person. That is, when this experience sperience, this personality trait,
Speaker 1: this phenomena first got a name. She was the one
Speaker 1: who began to really observe it, began to draw patterns
Speaker 1: between people who were all expressing the same reactions and
Speaker 1: feelings and behaviors, and she labeled those people highly sensitive persons.
Speaker 1: She also went on to develop a questionnaire that can
Speaker 1: help people like you and I basically confirm or identify
Speaker 1: themselves as highly sensitive people. And it's called the Highly
Speaker 1: Sensitive Person's Scale. It's free, it's online, it's available to
Speaker 1: anyone who wants to use it. I'll leave a link
Speaker 1: in the episode description, But essentially, her assessment requires you
Speaker 1: to simply check some boxes, check the boxes that apply
Speaker 1: to you based on statements that are said, and at
Speaker 1: the end you receive a score. Some of the questions
Speaker 1: some of the boxes that you can tick include things
Speaker 1: like other people's moves affect me deeply. I am easily
Speaker 1: overwhelmed by strong sensory input bright lights, strong smells, weird fabrics.
Speaker 1: I startle easily. I find it hard and overwhelming to
Speaker 1: have a lot going on at once. I try hard
Speaker 1: to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. I get annoyed
Speaker 1: when people try to get me to do too many
Speaker 1: things at once. And then there are also criteria like
Speaker 1: I am deeply moved by music, movies, and art. I
Speaker 1: have a rich and complex inner life. When I sense
Speaker 1: someone is uncomfortable, I tend to know what needs to
Speaker 1: change in the environment to make them more comfortable, like
Speaker 1: you know, like lighting or needing a pillow, that kind
Speaker 1: of thing. I think it's really important to highlight those
Speaker 1: elements of what it means to be a highly sensitive person,
Speaker 1: because the misconception is that sensitive people are just too demanding,
Speaker 1: take things too personally, too highly strong. The truth is
Speaker 1: is that they are actually highly attuned to others' needs,
Speaker 1: often deeply empathetic as well deeply feeling. Because they exist
Speaker 1: so closely with their emotions, everything is on the surface
Speaker 1: for them, and so sadness is not just sadness, it's
Speaker 1: deep sorrow. Happiness is not just happiness, it's pure ecstasy.
Speaker 1: Everything exists at the highest level for them that point
Speaker 1: about being deeply moved by music movies aren't as well.
Speaker 1: I find that really really compelling. I actually saw this
Speaker 1: video from someone the other day who talked about what
Speaker 1: it's like to be a highly sensitive person watching the
Speaker 1: Olympics and how it's just like constant tears because you
Speaker 1: feel everything that the athletes are feeling, even through the screen.
Speaker 1: And this just really highlights how human it really is
Speaker 1: to be highly sensitive, how connected we feel to things
Speaker 1: around us that are beautiful, that move us, that make
Speaker 1: us feel something. Why is that the case. It's because
Speaker 1: of an obscure region of the brain known as the vmPFC.
Speaker 1: Super random. That's all you need to know, the vmPFC.
Speaker 1: It's the part of the brain that, among other things,
Speaker 1: adds emotional resonance to our pure sensory data. So, you know,
Speaker 1: you see a blanket on a couch, If you didn't
Speaker 1: have your vmPFC, you'd be like, Oh, that's just a
Speaker 1: random blanket, that's it. You don't really have the same
Speaker 1: emotional attachment to maybe know that that blanket is you know,
Speaker 1: the dona that your grandmother made you for your fifth birthday,
Speaker 1: or you know, the blanket that you brought to college.
Speaker 1: That part of our brain that sees things, applies meaning
Speaker 1: to them, applies emotion history to them. That part of
Speaker 1: our brain is heightened and more active in people who
Speaker 1: are highly sensitive. It's why you feel something emotional when
Speaker 1: you see a flower rather than just seeing a flower.
Speaker 1: This also means that people who are highly sensitive, they
Speaker 1: experience the world with a greater level of emotional saturation,
Speaker 1: more color, essentially more vividness, and that can also make
Speaker 1: us more creative. One study from NYU found in I
Speaker 1: think it was twenty seventeen that higher sensitivity to our environment,
Speaker 1: highly sensitive people also show higher emotional intelligence, greater emotional sensitivity,
Speaker 1: and all of that is correlated with higher scores on
Speaker 1: a creativity test. It all kind of comes together, right.
Speaker 1: Having that real sense of our emotions, feeling like you
Speaker 1: can reach out and touch them, also means that you
Speaker 1: can see those emotions in other people. And it also
Speaker 1: means that you can take those emotions and funnel them
Speaker 1: into other activities, funnel them into a beautiful form like
Speaker 1: making art. And I really want that nuance to come
Speaker 1: through here. This is not a one dimensional experience only
Speaker 1: defined by feeling overwhelmed, only defined by crying all the time,
Speaker 1: or needing space, needing distance. It is a vivid emotional
Speaker 1: and sensory state that brings more color, movement, light, excitement
Speaker 1: to the world. Sounds like a good thing, but that
Speaker 1: can also be really really overwhelming. So highly sensitive people
Speaker 1: are thought to make up roughly twenty percent of the
Speaker 1: general population, which is probably higher than we would expect. Obviously,
Speaker 1: with everything, it's a bit of a spectrum, but again,
Speaker 1: about one in five of us have the kind of brain,
Speaker 1: have the kind of emotional regulation system that notices just
Speaker 1: a little bit more about the world around us, that
Speaker 1: is just a little bit more impacted by others feelings
Speaker 1: and also our own. An interesting fun fact, humans are
Speaker 1: not the only species that can be classified or defined
Speaker 1: as highly sensitive. Elephants, for example, dolphins, horses, octopuses, they
Speaker 1: all show varying degrees of emotional and social sensitivity between them.
Speaker 1: What's something that those animals all have in common. They're
Speaker 1: also very very smart, and they're very highly evolved compared
Speaker 1: to your average reptile or mammal or marsupial, which goes
Speaker 1: to show that the more connections in our brain, the
Speaker 1: more neurons, the more intelligent we are, perhaps the more
Speaker 1: capacity we have to be sensitive creatures. That might explain why.
Speaker 1: According to recent research by the University of Berkeley, highly
Speaker 1: sensitive people often have higher IQs, not just eqs, they
Speaker 1: also are high in a particular kind of intelligence called
Speaker 1: sensory intelligence. Basically, we process information more deeply. We find
Speaker 1: that we reflect longer in our experiences. Notice kind of
Speaker 1: subtle details were more affected by them. We draw links
Speaker 1: between more of our experiences. There was a recent article
Speaker 1: published by Psychology Today. Actually it was published just last year.
Speaker 1: It's funny. It's the magazine is called Psychology Today, but
Speaker 1: the article within it published last year. Don't know if
Speaker 1: that needed clarification, but you got it anyways. And this
Speaker 1: article linked sensitivity to brilliance. You need to be smart
Speaker 1: to be as reactive or perceptive of your environment as
Speaker 1: your sensitivity makes you. You cannot be a dumb highly
Speaker 1: sensitive person. That's basically what this article was saying. It's
Speaker 1: kind of a consolation prize, you know, like, yes, I
Speaker 1: find it hard to not break down, but at least
Speaker 1: I might be a genius, or it might be a
Speaker 1: creative prodigy. I would love to hear from you, guys,
Speaker 1: if you are someone who is highly sensitive, do something
Speaker 1: that requires you to use your more creative side of
Speaker 1: your brain? Or do you do something that is like
Speaker 1: someone perceived as like a highly emotional career, like a therapist,
Speaker 1: like a psychologist, like maybe even a primary school teacher,
Speaker 1: a kindergarten teacher. I really want to know, because I
Speaker 1: feel like that would be very, very interesting to see.
Speaker 1: So we spend a little bit of time in kind
Speaker 1: of what makes a highly sensitive person, the criteria, the characteristics,
Speaker 1: how does it happen, How do we become this way
Speaker 1: but actually contributes to this unique way of seeing the world.
Speaker 1: It's a couple of things. Let's start with the big one.
Speaker 1: The big one is our innate temperament. Now, temperament is
Speaker 1: kind of exists like one step back from personality. Temperament
Speaker 1: is the nature that we were born with. You and
Speaker 1: I most likely have had the same temperament since we
Speaker 1: were just little kids. If you hear a parent say,
Speaker 1: you know, oh my child is just so calm and curious,
Speaker 1: or yeah, my new baby is so fussy and so
Speaker 1: short tempered, they're probably not wrong. That kind of personality
Speaker 1: that a child has contributes to our future personality because
Speaker 1: it's our temperament and the temperament of highly sensitive people.
Speaker 1: There's four different types of temperaments. The one that highly
Speaker 1: sensitive people most often sit in is the melancholic temperament.
Speaker 1: Melancholic people are more reserved. They're more thoughtful, analytical, but
Speaker 1: also deeply feeling. Sometimes that can be confused with anxiety.
Speaker 1: People with a melancholic temperament are also highly empathetic, and
Speaker 1: we know that being an EmPATH and being highly sensitive
Speaker 1: often comes hand in hand because as someone with high empathy,
Speaker 1: you are naturally going to feel subtle changes in people
Speaker 1: and your environment. You pick up on those invisible cues
Speaker 1: that others may not. You notice when someone is suddenly
Speaker 1: going quiet, and you absorb the feelings and the emotional
Speaker 1: states of those around you, which is what makes you
Speaker 1: so reactive to them. Because once you've had that intuition
Speaker 1: that this is how someone's feeling, it can be difficult
Speaker 1: not to respond, not to want to fix it, not
Speaker 1: to want to reduce the discomfort, not just for yourself
Speaker 1: but for others as well. This really explains why one
Speaker 1: of the criteria for being a highly sensitive person is
Speaker 1: needing more downtime, needing more time to decompress after those
Speaker 1: big social days, after being around people for so long,
Speaker 1: because you're probably freaking exhausted if you've spent all those
Speaker 1: hours literally just absorbing everybody else's feelings, taking on all
Speaker 1: of that, trying to mediate and manage how other people
Speaker 1: are coping as well as how you're coping on the inside,
Speaker 1: what you're actually feeling like. It's incredibly draining, I think
Speaker 1: to be that alert, even if it's not something that
Speaker 1: you're consciously doing. So temperament is one of the first
Speaker 1: factors that just contributes to you being an innately sensitive person.
Speaker 1: Another factor at play though, is of course genetics. So
Speaker 1: there is a developmental psychologist at Queen Mary University of London,
Speaker 1: doctor Michael Plewis, and here's the one who has done
Speaker 1: a lot of research into this. He basically has suggested
Speaker 1: that your genes account for forty seven percent of how
Speaker 1: sensitive you are, nearly half. How he found this out
Speaker 1: he looked at twins, and he looked at twins who
Speaker 1: basically he was like, Okay, if I get to twins here,
Speaker 1: and one of them is highly said, what are the
Speaker 1: chances that the other one's going to be highly sensitive
Speaker 1: as well? And the chance was around fifty percent, And
Speaker 1: so that's how he kind of determined that that was
Speaker 1: the genetic influence behind this trait, behind this experience. The
Speaker 1: rest is environment. We're going to get to that in
Speaker 1: a second. But the genetic blueprint that we receive from
Speaker 1: our parents is basically going to determine so much about
Speaker 1: who we become and who we become as a sensitive individual.
Speaker 1: It's going to determine our threshold for simulation. It's going
Speaker 1: to really help determine our anxiety levels, our attentional systems,
Speaker 1: our level of alertness, all of which contribute I guess
Speaker 1: you can guess it to hypersensitivity. There is not just
Speaker 1: one gene at play here, though. There's not just a
Speaker 1: single gene. If it's flipped or not, if it's switched
Speaker 1: or not, that's going to determine whether you emerge as
Speaker 1: a highly sensitive person. There's actually three genes, the sensitivity gene,
Speaker 1: the dopamine gene, and the emotional vividness gene. So let's
Speaker 1: start off with the sensitivity gene first. The sensitivity gene
Speaker 1: is also known as the serotonin gene, and it controls
Speaker 1: how serotonin is transported in the brain. Serotonin is what
Speaker 1: helps balance our mood. People who are highly sensitive often
Speaker 1: have a gene variant that means they have less serotonin
Speaker 1: available in their brain. Less serotonin what does that normally mean?
Speaker 1: Less mood stabilization, less capacity to regulate your emotional response
Speaker 1: to what's going on around you and within you. The
Speaker 1: second gene is somewhat similar. It's the dopamine gene. A
Speaker 1: lot of us see dopamine as simply the happy chemical.
Speaker 1: It's the chemical that keeps us bright and bubbly and cheery,
Speaker 1: and to an extent, you'd be right. But the reason
Speaker 1: it makes us so happy is because it makes us
Speaker 1: feel rewarded by external stimuli. When that gene is mutated
Speaker 1: or when it varies, it can make it so that
Speaker 1: we are almost overflowing with dopamine and a bunch of
Speaker 1: other neurochemicals in response to our environment, meaning that there's
Speaker 1: just almost too much. Our brain just can't cope. Everything
Speaker 1: is a bit unbalanced, and so we don't get the
Speaker 1: same leveled sense of reward or reinforcement from things that
Speaker 1: other people do, like bright lights, like busy environments, like
Speaker 1: loud pumping music, like intense smells. It just all feels
Speaker 1: quite messy in our brains. It just feels quite overwhelming
Speaker 1: because there's just actually too much going on for your
Speaker 1: brain to really put together. But it also sometimes feels
Speaker 1: really beautiful. If you've got this dysregulated dopamine system, yes,
Speaker 1: it does mean that you know things feel overwhelming at times,
Speaker 1: but it's also why we feel so moved by things
Speaker 1: that others might not, and moved by things that other
Speaker 1: people don't appreciate, like a beautiful view, like a flower,
Speaker 1: like a TV commercial. Finally, we have the emotional vividness
Speaker 1: gene goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. Most
Speaker 1: highly sensitive people are keenly aware that they have stronger
Speaker 1: emotional reactions than others, and they often notice those emotional
Speaker 1: undercurrents in other people. You pick it all up, You
Speaker 1: pick up what everybody else is putting down silently, unconsciously, implicitly.
Speaker 1: If you're highly sensitive, this is not your imagination. You
Speaker 1: actually have a brighter palette of emotional colors, so to speak,
Speaker 1: because of a variant in a gene that controls how
Speaker 1: our bodies, stress response, perception, and sensory imaging is processed
Speaker 1: by our brain. So essentially what that means is that
Speaker 1: when we're looking at our environment, the highly sensitive person
Speaker 1: as more like we said, emotional colors to deal with it,
Speaker 1: takes in more information from our environment. It takes in
Speaker 1: smaller details that overload our brain and can make us
Speaker 1: feel again really really overwhelmed. So if you're feeling constantly
Speaker 1: kind of burnt out by the world, constantly like exhausted
Speaker 1: by it, you kind of have your genetics to blame
Speaker 1: because there is a forty seven percent chance that they
Speaker 1: are what contributed to you being a highly sensitive person.
Speaker 1: But a crucial factor that really elevates all those prior
Speaker 1: to terminants and which we really have only scratched the
Speaker 1: surface on, is upbringing childhood trauma can create high sensitivity
Speaker 1: through learning, learning what we need to do to survive
Speaker 1: in those early childhood environments, and also by activating our
Speaker 1: melancholic temperament or our genetic predisposition that kind of early
Speaker 1: environment that it's heightened and intense and rough that may
Speaker 1: have conditioned you to be very, very alert and responsive
Speaker 1: to other people's emotions, and also what's going on around you,
Speaker 1: because you had to be You had to be able
Speaker 1: to pay attention to navigate that minefield. You had to
Speaker 1: know what will upset people, what won't. How can I
Speaker 1: tell if they're angry? What do I need to look
Speaker 1: out for? How do I stay on their good side
Speaker 1: by picking up on clues and small things from them
Speaker 1: that they are unhappy, that they are angry, and getting
Speaker 1: them back to that more you know, neutral state where
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be hurt, where I'm not going
Speaker 1: to get the brunt of things. That hyper alertness and
Speaker 1: anxiety carries on into adulthood and comes out as hypersensitivity,
Speaker 1: when really it probably was a protective mechanism, a defense
Speaker 1: mechanism at some stage. It doesn't. You know, those childhood
Speaker 1: experiences don't even need to constitute the kind of trauma
Speaker 1: that I think we're imagining. It can even come down
Speaker 1: to a lack of parental warmth or inconsistency from your caregivers. Warm, supportive,
Speaker 1: gentle parenting helps children develop healthy emotional regulation. Sounds super
Speaker 1: super simple, But if you have a parent who is
Speaker 1: going to see that you're upset or see that you're
Speaker 1: angry and sit with you and talk you through it
Speaker 1: or acknowledge that emotion. You basically are able to find
Speaker 1: a place to put that feeling. You're able to find
Speaker 1: a way to move it from that very instinctual moment
Speaker 1: where you're reacting and the emotion is very bright and
Speaker 1: in your face and kind of taper it down, find
Speaker 1: a space for it, you know, really think it's through,
Speaker 1: and make that emotion more neutral. Essentially, what I'm kind
Speaker 1: of saying is that you have healthy coping strategies because
Speaker 1: someone showed you how to do it. Without those coping strategies,
Speaker 1: people children struggle to manage their emotions, and not only
Speaker 1: does that mean that, yes, our emotions feel more out
Speaker 1: of out control, but it also means that you're very
Speaker 1: sensitive to stress, to the stress of not being able
Speaker 1: to manage your emotions, to criticism over not being able
Speaker 1: to manage your emotions, and unexpected social interactions where you
Speaker 1: don't really know how to behave you're not you're kind
Speaker 1: of stressed that like, what if I'm suddenly angry or
Speaker 1: upset or something triggers me, what do I do because
Speaker 1: I just actually don't know how to. So many parents
Speaker 1: tell their kids to just suck it up, or to
Speaker 1: stop overreacting, or to come back when you've calmed down.
Speaker 1: Thinking that it's going to make their kids tougher. But
Speaker 1: if you are already a sensitive child, how are you
Speaker 1: going to learn how to process those feelings by yourself
Speaker 1: when you are just a child. All that it's going
Speaker 1: to do is make your emotions feel even less manageable,
Speaker 1: and you're going to feel even more fearful about talking
Speaker 1: about it. You're going to feel so isolated and like
Speaker 1: you just need to stuff it all down otherwise you'll
Speaker 1: get yelled at. Otherwise you'll get criticized. Otherwise you will
Speaker 1: be told that you're too sensitive. We also talk a
Speaker 1: lot about attachment style on this podcast. Of course, children
Speaker 1: who don't receive consistent warmth and affection from their parents
Speaker 1: will also often develop insecure attachment styles. This can also
Speaker 1: contribute to hyper sensitivity because we become very overly anxious
Speaker 1: about our relationships, and not just our romantic relationships, but
Speaker 1: the relationships we have, you know, with our friends, when
Speaker 1: we're casually dating, with our parents, with our family, because
Speaker 1: we are hyper alert to once again rejection or criticism,
Speaker 1: because we fear abandonment, We fear that someone is disappointed
Speaker 1: or anchory with us, and so we become hyper vigilant
Speaker 1: to any small sign that that is the case, and
Speaker 1: that is what change. That kind of trains our hyper sensitivity,
Speaker 1: and that hyper sensitivity to rejection in particular is is
Speaker 1: something that we haven't really spoken about in this episode,
Speaker 1: but a lot of people who identify as highly sensitive
Speaker 1: feel that very intensely. They feel that rejection insensitivity incredibly intensely.
Speaker 1: When they get even the slightest feeling that someone is
Speaker 1: pulling away or that a relationship is under threat, that
Speaker 1: is scary for anyone, but if you're highly sensitive, it's
Speaker 1: so much at all at once. It's so much having
Speaker 1: to think about someone else's emotions, your emotions, whatever environment
Speaker 1: you're in, and so it can lead to behaviors that
Speaker 1: we don't feel so proud of later on, lashing out,
Speaker 1: completely shutting down as like our brain's final defense line
Speaker 1: of defense, like let's just shut this down so we
Speaker 1: don't have to deal with this, pushing someone away even
Speaker 1: more because at least that's going to take the source
Speaker 1: of our stress away. Then, if you are feeling so
Speaker 1: on edge, so overwhelmed, sometimes all you want to do
Speaker 1: is just escape and just not deal with it. And
Speaker 1: so you push, or you run away, or you just
Speaker 1: find a way to avoid. When we finally had the
Speaker 1: space in the alone time to really work through our
Speaker 1: perspective and our reaction, you know a lot of highly
Speaker 1: sensitive people do need that time. Sometimes we do feel
Speaker 1: like the damage is done or that we can't even
Speaker 1: go back and apologize or confront them again because it's
Speaker 1: just too much. It's just way too much. And in
Speaker 1: that way we also see a cycle of conflict aversion
Speaker 1: of course. Conflict is going to be so hard for
Speaker 1: you if you're highly sensitive, because everything is elevated, magnified, heightened.
Speaker 1: You're sensing subtle shifts that they don't. You're perceiving their emotions,
Speaker 1: you're trying to manage your own reactions. It can feel
Speaker 1: very overwhelming because of that sensory overload. Sometimes you can
Speaker 1: say the wrong things. You just want it to end.
Speaker 1: You can't always process everything that's coming together at once.
Speaker 1: It's hard even when we actually do try our hardest,
Speaker 1: especially when people, the people that we're communicating with just
Speaker 1: don't get it. Like we're not trying to be difficult,
Speaker 1: we're not reading too much into what you're saying, We're
Speaker 1: not trying to get frustrated. We're trying really hard not
Speaker 1: to cry because we don't want you to dismiss us
Speaker 1: as just being overly sensitive. But there is so much
Speaker 1: buzzing around in our brains. We feel this so deeply.
Speaker 1: The emotion is so intense. What else are you meant
Speaker 1: to do if you find yourself in that pattern with
Speaker 1: a partner, with a parent, with a friend who just
Speaker 1: doesn't understand, who thinks that maybe you're using tears as
Speaker 1: like a guilt mechanism, or that you just can't stay calm,
Speaker 1: and it's and you know it's because you're choosing not to.
Speaker 1: Please send them this episode because I think once people
Speaker 1: have more information about how your brain is working and
Speaker 1: operating differently to them, there is more empathy and understanding
Speaker 1: and adjustment. They also can kind of hopefully lean in
Speaker 1: and understand the fact that this isn't a choice. There
Speaker 1: is this amazing TED talk called The Gentle Power of
Speaker 1: Highly Sensitive People. Highly recommend that talk, and in it,
Speaker 1: the speaker talks about how telling a sensitive person to
Speaker 1: just tone it down, to not let the world hurt them,
Speaker 1: to be less sensitive is like telling a person with
Speaker 1: blue eyes to make their eyes less blue. No matter
Speaker 1: how many times you tell them, chances are you're still
Speaker 1: going to see those blue eyes staring back at you.
Speaker 1: And the same goes for sensitivity. It's not something that
Speaker 1: you can just switch off, and to be honest, I
Speaker 1: don't even think that it's something that you should switch off.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go backwards here for a second because there's
Speaker 1: one more element explanation for this that we need to discuss.
Speaker 1: It would be so shortsighted to not mention neurodivergence. So
Speaker 1: often someone is told that they are just too sensitive
Speaker 1: when it's actually them masking their autism or their ADHD,
Speaker 1: because the pattern of behaviors are really really similar, and
Speaker 1: they're often comorbid, so you can have both at once.
Speaker 1: But what's really frustrating is when people are just seen
Speaker 1: as too sensitive or too emotional or told that they
Speaker 1: need to toughen up, when their sensitivity is actually a
Speaker 1: sign of something bigger and larger. People with ADHD often
Speaker 1: find it takes less stimulation for them to be overwhelmed,
Speaker 1: so in that way they are going to present as
Speaker 1: highly sensitive. The same goes for people with autism, right
Speaker 1: like sometimes new environments, new situations, even new feelings can
Speaker 1: just feel like a lot. Or in situations where it's
Speaker 1: just really hard to tell what people are thinking, you're
Speaker 1: not picking up on those cues. It's going to make
Speaker 1: it seem like you're being really sensitive or reactive. Actually
Speaker 1: you just don't really know what's going on, and that's
Speaker 1: totally okay. Sometimes, like human emotion is not like an
Speaker 1: open and closed book. Or whether you have a diagnosable
Speaker 1: disorder that's co morbid, or you are just someone who
Speaker 1: is highly sensitive, I think it's all the same. It's
Speaker 1: still going to be difficult to manage your emotional reactions,
Speaker 1: and you're still going to feel like people have some
Speaker 1: kind of stigma around high sensitivity. People think that you're weak,
Speaker 1: or that you're fragile or whatever. I'm gonna be super
Speaker 1: honest with you all now. My perspective on this is
Speaker 1: very anti shame, very anti Let's find a cure for
Speaker 1: all us highly sensitive people. Let's make us normal. I
Speaker 1: don't want us to suppress our emotions. I don't want
Speaker 1: us to try and chameleon or try and blend in
Speaker 1: with the eighty percent of people who quote unquote have
Speaker 1: average sensitivity levels, because firstly, it backfires, we feel even
Speaker 1: more overwhelmed, so not only does it not work, it
Speaker 1: makes us feel worse. And secondly, I just don't see
Speaker 1: a reason why you should. I really think that sensitivity
Speaker 1: is kind of a superpower. Being gentle and emotional, in
Speaker 1: a tune and in tune with others is quite gorgeous
Speaker 1: and quite special to have. You know, this trait isn't
Speaker 1: going to change. It's a lifelong thing. Hopefully that's not
Speaker 1: too hard to hear. But I think the earlier we
Speaker 1: come to terms with that, the easier life feels, the
Speaker 1: more freeing. It's like the weight of needing to dim
Speaker 1: down is lifted, because once we acknowledge like, this is
Speaker 1: part of who I am, it's not going away, it's
Speaker 1: not going to change. It's kind of at that point
Speaker 1: that you realize how exhausting is going to be to keep,
Speaker 1: you know, to keep up the facade for the rest
Speaker 1: of your life, and eventually you realize that maybe you
Speaker 1: just shouldn't. Maybe it's not worth it. Maybe life isn't
Speaker 1: all about trying to make other people feel comfortable with you,
Speaker 1: and it's about trying to make your life feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: For yourself. So I want to talk about all of
Speaker 1: that and more how to really make the world fit
Speaker 1: your sensitivity rather than the other way around after this shortbreak.
Speaker 1: Highly sensitive people are some of my favorites to be
Speaker 1: around because they make the people around them see the
Speaker 1: world more beautifully. They are also incredibly gentle and empathetic.
Speaker 1: They are creative, and they just bring big heart and
Speaker 1: big love to everything that they do, like nothing is
Speaker 1: small for them. Your highly sensitive friend is probably going
Speaker 1: to be the one who remembers your birthday. They are
Speaker 1: probably going to be the one who makes you feel safest,
Speaker 1: who is going to introduce you to new music, who
Speaker 1: wants to go on long nature walks with you, who will,
Speaker 1: you know, point out small things that you didn't notice.
Speaker 1: They are the ones who are going to make you
Speaker 1: feel comfortable in their space, who is going to give
Speaker 1: you so much love in a relationship. I just don't
Speaker 1: understand why we don't want more of that in the world.
Speaker 1: Feeling everything so deeply might sometimes feel like a curse,
Speaker 1: But compared to feeling nothing at all and never being
Speaker 1: touched by that joy and never feeling deeply human, sometimes
Speaker 1: I do think it's a privilege. Like, I have met
Speaker 1: people who just don't care about anything. They don't have
Speaker 1: any sense of justice, they don't have any sense of
Speaker 1: beauty or wonder or or excitement, and it's a pretty
Speaker 1: bland life. That on top of the fact that the
Speaker 1: research and the science will tell you your IQ, your EQ,
Speaker 1: your creative intelligence, your emotional vividness, your sensory intelligence is
Speaker 1: probably higher than the average person. I think that keeps
Speaker 1: us really focused on the strength that comes with being
Speaker 1: a highly sensitive person, even during the times when we're
Speaker 1: told that we're too much. Those people who say that,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be completely honest, they can get over it.
Speaker 1: They can get over it. Your purpose in life is
Speaker 1: not to make others comfortable with you. If someone thinks
Speaker 1: that you are too intense, feels too strongly, if they
Speaker 1: think that you over react, their opinion is a reflection
Speaker 1: of the level of empathy that they are prepared to
Speaker 1: show others, not a reflection of you and what needs
Speaker 1: to change in your life. I just don't like who
Speaker 1: made the rules that said that being too sensitive is
Speaker 1: a bad thing. I heard from this really amazing person
Speaker 1: when I was researching this episode, who said, when someone
Speaker 1: tells me I'm being too sensitive. I always come back
Speaker 1: to them and say, well, maybe you're being too insensitive.
Speaker 1: Just because my way of seeing the world is more
Speaker 1: rare doesn't make it worse and it doesn't make it
Speaker 1: the one that needs fixing. So that rant aside, let's
Speaker 1: talk about some tips about how to make an insensitive
Speaker 1: world more suitable for your beautiful, sensitive soul. First off
Speaker 1: the bat, if you want to get more comfortable with
Speaker 1: being a highly sensitive person, you really need to honor
Speaker 1: your sensitivity by learning what in your life makes things
Speaker 1: easier for you and lighter for you, and what makes
Speaker 1: things feel harder. Highly sensitive people just need more time
Speaker 1: than others to process the things that happen in their day,
Speaker 1: in their environment, in their relationships. So give yourself that time.
Speaker 1: Rather than trying to overload yourself to fit in, notice
Speaker 1: your limits and put yourself in environments that aren't going
Speaker 1: to make things more difficult for you. So, for example,
Speaker 1: if you've got a big call with your boss tomorrow morning,
Speaker 1: don't schedule an intense catch up with an old friend
Speaker 1: in the same day. Space things out. Give yourself time
Speaker 1: to return to that normal, steady, stable state before you
Speaker 1: throw yourself into the next situation. I think adjusting to
Speaker 1: being a highly sensitive person, or just adjusting to your
Speaker 1: acknowledgment and your respect of your identity is a highly
Speaker 1: sensitive person means appreciating and finally accepting that maybe you
Speaker 1: can't do everything the way that everyone else does it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you can't do it though, It
Speaker 1: just means that you have to find a way for
Speaker 1: it to work with you, otherwise it's just going to
Speaker 1: be really unenjoyable. My second piece of advice is to
Speaker 1: practice the kind of self care that works for you,
Speaker 1: because it's probably going to look different from the self
Speaker 1: care that eighty percent of the world likes to do.
Speaker 1: You know, For some people, self care is socializing. It's
Speaker 1: treating themselves, going shopping, letting loose. For you, it's probably
Speaker 1: going to involve slowing down, resting, and saying no, you know, no, Sorry,
Speaker 1: I don't want to go to dinner at that crowded restaurant.
Speaker 1: No I don't want your friend, I don't like to
Speaker 1: join us for dinner. Sorry, I don't want to have
Speaker 1: this conversation right now. Self care is as much about
Speaker 1: adding things to your life as it is about saying
Speaker 1: no and subtracting things in your life life, to give
Speaker 1: yourself adequate downtime to emotionally regulate, to give yourself time
Speaker 1: to rest and to think. You know what else is
Speaker 1: like a profoundly sweet, simple but overlooked form of self care.
Speaker 1: Just giving yourself more time to get places, giving yourself
Speaker 1: more time to organize your day, finish up your work,
Speaker 1: you know, just five minutes earlier, even if you feel
Speaker 1: drawn to keep working. You know that you'll need that
Speaker 1: five minutes to separate your real life from your work
Speaker 1: life and to really get back into a stable, steady state.
Speaker 1: Give yourself the extra ten to fifteen minutes to get somewhere,
Speaker 1: even if it means getting there early, because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be flustered. You don't want to be hot, sticky, overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: You don't want to hate the texture of your outfit.
Speaker 1: You know, right when you're meant to be leaving and
Speaker 1: then feel rushed to change, give yourself a bit more time.
Speaker 1: I think the crucial rule when it comes to self care,
Speaker 1: the golden rule, is make smart choices that will help
Speaker 1: your future self based on what has hurt or overwhelmed
Speaker 1: your past self. I had a friend tell me about
Speaker 1: a technique she uses that it's kind of similar to
Speaker 1: that idea, and it's called what she does is she
Speaker 1: creates relaxing zones in her house and even at her job,
Speaker 1: and having been to her home, it is like walking
Speaker 1: into the most comfortable and homely therapist office that you've
Speaker 1: ever been in. She's not even a therapist. It's just
Speaker 1: so calming. It always smells like lemon and honey. There
Speaker 1: are never any like really big overhead lights on. She
Speaker 1: has cozy surfaces. Everywhere you look, she has beautiful things,
Speaker 1: and walking into that environment, it's just like so obvious
Speaker 1: that she has intentionally made this a safe space for
Speaker 1: herself and that she has gone out of her way.
Speaker 1: She's put in the effort before to you know, provide
Speaker 1: this gift to every future version of her who needs
Speaker 1: to walk into her home after a big, long day
Speaker 1: where she's been absorbing everyone else's emotion and everything around
Speaker 1: her and she just wants to calm down, and she
Speaker 1: has given that to herself. And the reason why I
Speaker 1: really like that she's done this is because when you
Speaker 1: walk into her house, you just feel like your body,
Speaker 1: your mind, your soul, whatever it is, is being cleansed,
Speaker 1: and as a highly sensitive person, it's kind of like
Speaker 1: walking outside in really really sticky shoes, and like, you
Speaker 1: pick up so many things. You pick up the gum,
Speaker 1: you pick up the cigarette butts, you pick up the
Speaker 1: pigeon poop, and you take it all home with you,
Speaker 1: and you know, you pick up the emotions, you pick
Speaker 1: up the sensory overload, you pick up the exhausting conversation
Speaker 1: someone was having on the train, and the loud lights
Speaker 1: and whatever it is, and you take that all home
Speaker 1: with you. And when you get home, you need to
Speaker 1: clean out the filter. You need to clean off the shoes,
Speaker 1: because you are not like everyone else. You are a
Speaker 1: collector of information. Like that's what your brain has developed
Speaker 1: to do, based on your genetics, based on your childhood,
Speaker 1: based on whatever it is contributed to your high sensitivity.
Speaker 1: All of that has just made everything much louder for you.
Speaker 1: So you need a space that allows you to turn
Speaker 1: it down and to kind of clean off the junk
Speaker 1: and clean out the junk from your brain. As a
Speaker 1: highly sensitive person, I also think it's worth being selective
Speaker 1: about the people you choose to be around. You're like
Speaker 1: a sponge. You are perpetually in a state of osmosis
Speaker 1: with the people around you. You absorb their emotions, their reactions,
Speaker 1: their fears, their joy. If the people around you, your
Speaker 1: friends are super reactive or really unpredictable, dramatic, always really
Speaker 1: high high high, or extremely low, yes, how you're going
Speaker 1: to be feeling the exact same way. I see So
Speaker 1: many people try really hard to be friends with people
Speaker 1: they are just you know, just simply shouldn't be friends with.
Speaker 1: Not because those people are toxic or for any of
Speaker 1: those labels, they just shouldn't be friends because their emotional
Speaker 1: energies don't in line, and it ends up going sour
Speaker 1: because everything they feel you feel, And so it becomes
Speaker 1: hard not to take things personally, or to leave every
Speaker 1: hangout feeling super drained and like you just don't want
Speaker 1: to see them again, or feeling really on edge and
Speaker 1: snapping or saying something you don't mean. Now, this piece
Speaker 1: of advice isn't to say drop all your friends start
Speaker 1: from scratch, but really assess who do I leave interactions
Speaker 1: with feeling calm, serene and seene. Who do I leave
Speaker 1: interactions with feeling on edge, exhausted, highly strung. Maybe those
Speaker 1: people become a once and a while friend rather than
Speaker 1: an everyday friend. On that note, I want to say
Speaker 1: one final boundary. Anyone again who says you are too emotional,
Speaker 1: who says that you take things too personally, that you
Speaker 1: need to come down, those people should be never friends.
Speaker 1: They don't. They don't deserve you, and it's too bad
Speaker 1: for them because they don't get to be touched by
Speaker 1: your gentleness and your extreme appreciation for beauty and empathy
Speaker 1: and kindness. They don't get the gift of this aspect
Speaker 1: of you. But I honestly think that it is their
Speaker 1: loss because if they're not willing to accept every single
Speaker 1: part of you, including the part of you that honestly
Speaker 1: I think is so unique and beautiful, they're just not it.
Speaker 1: They don't deserve to be in your life. And you
Speaker 1: know that you will end up picking up on how
Speaker 1: they're feeling about you, and it's just gonna always keep
Speaker 1: you in a heightened state. If someone says you know,
Speaker 1: you're just so sensitive, it's also worthwhile just saying back
Speaker 1: to them, like, you know, I know it's great, I
Speaker 1: love it. I love that I get to feel so much.
Speaker 1: Stop trying, Like you know, they're not allowed to make
Speaker 1: you feel bad if they say you're overreacting, literally, just
Speaker 1: be like, so, what would an appropriate reaction be? Or
Speaker 1: I just don't think that you're seeing the situation in
Speaker 1: the same way I think you're underreacting. You're allowed to
Speaker 1: assert yourself just because your sensitivity has been labeled as weakness.
Speaker 1: It's not, firstly, but you're allowed to disagree. You're allowed
Speaker 1: to say, actually, no, I really like this part of me.
Speaker 1: I actually really like who it makes me. I like
Speaker 1: that I notice things. I like that. I love the world,
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna keep it that way. Thank you for
Speaker 1: your opinion. Moving on, I really do hope that this
Speaker 1: episode has helped you in some way. I hope that
Speaker 1: it's normalized an emotional experience that you're having or a perspective.
Speaker 1: I hope that you feel seen. I hope that you
Speaker 1: feel heard. I hope that you feel held, and that
Speaker 1: you feel loved, because I really do love highly sensitive people.
Speaker 1: They're my favorites. You're my favorite. I just think that
Speaker 1: they make the world so special. Without them, the world
Speaker 1: would be so cruel and so ugly. So thank you
Speaker 1: for doing us all the service by existing. As always.
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, Send it to a friend.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that they would love to hear it. Send
Speaker 1: it to someone who maybe just doesn't get your sensitive
Speaker 1: brain so that they can learn a little bit more.
Speaker 1: I'm sure they would appreciate being able to be on
Speaker 1: your level. Make sure that you leave a five star
Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening right now,
Speaker 1: and that you are following along for more episodes coming
Speaker 1: out soon. Also, if you have an episode suggestion, if
Speaker 1: you're a highly sensitive person and you want to tell
Speaker 1: me a little bit more about your experience, maybe for
Speaker 1: a follow up episode for something that I might post
Speaker 1: on Instagram, please dm me on Instagram at that psychology podcast.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you. And until next time,
Speaker 1: stay safe, stay kind, be gentle to yourself, be gentle
Speaker 1: to your sensitive little soul. You deserve it, and we
Speaker 1: will talk soon.