Speaker 1: I am a Yngler, your host for this journey. I
Speaker 1: was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get
Speaker 1: my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks
Speaker 1: and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love
Speaker 1: is and what it is not. I want to share
Speaker 1: some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. You know, sometimes we have a mess in
Speaker 1: our life, and we make it more difficult than it
Speaker 1: needs to be. We look everywhere, we're trying to find
Speaker 1: a solution, and in the worst case scenario, we get
Speaker 1: busy trying to fix the pieces of the mess that
Speaker 1: we think are most important. I have a simple solution
Speaker 1: for a mess that I'm going to tell you about later.
Speaker 1: It's called a two am walk. But in the meantime,
Speaker 1: the question I want us to look at is how
Speaker 1: do you fix a mess? How do you fix a mess?
Speaker 1: Because sometimes we find ourselves in a mess, a mess
Speaker 1: of our own, making a mess that we have difficulty owning,
Speaker 1: a mess that we have difficulty looking at. We make
Speaker 1: ourselves busy dealing with this piece or that piece. When
Speaker 1: the truth is, we are a mess. And if you're
Speaker 1: a mess, you will not be able to clean up
Speaker 1: a mess. Because when there's a mess in your life,
Speaker 1: when there's a mess in your relationship, when there's a
Speaker 1: mess in your mind, when there's a mess in your heart,
Speaker 1: you got to prioritize. I'm going to talk to my
Speaker 1: guests about that today, how to prioritize your mess. Welcome beloved,
Speaker 1: Thank you for your time today, Thank you for calling
Speaker 1: me our spot. Now, what is your relationship issue, challenge,
Speaker 1: dilemma that we're going to chew on together today. Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna thank you for taking my call. My dilemma,
Speaker 1: or I would say challenge, would be my anxiety of
Speaker 1: my life at the moment. Tell me more absolutely, about
Speaker 1: three years ago, when you did your first round of courses,
Speaker 1: I joined and I removed myself because I thought myself
Speaker 1: in a dream job opportunity. I quit my job, I
Speaker 1: joined your class. I worked on my chakras, and I
Speaker 1: got a call from a really good agency in Chicago,
Speaker 1: or government agency, and I took the job. You know,
Speaker 1: I was pregnant and I was happy, and I took
Speaker 1: on a lot of I gave first and my child.
Speaker 1: I was in school working on my parent legal certificate
Speaker 1: and my degree, and in the middle of that, my
Speaker 1: marriage seemed to have had a challenge where we were
Speaker 1: financially challenged. Essentially, I'm adding more to my plate. And
Speaker 1: fast forward to last year. I found myself a really
Speaker 1: great second job at a college and it paid well
Speaker 1: and helping to subside the income that my husband was
Speaker 1: not able to provide anymore. And that position got pretty
Speaker 1: stressful for me, and I had been in situations where
Speaker 1: I had to pick my primary job over my secondary,
Speaker 1: and so I had to quit. I noticed that my daughter,
Speaker 1: who I put first and most of anything that I did,
Speaker 1: you know, it took a back seat, and my wifely
Speaker 1: duties seem to have slid. And here I am in
Speaker 1: a place where I'm having these anxieties of my life
Speaker 1: to say, I don't know how to continue to hold
Speaker 1: on to what I still have, or how to keep
Speaker 1: pushing through these things and even with the small other
Speaker 1: things like family, friends and relationships that comes behind. But
Speaker 1: my primary focus is my main dish, my entree. I
Speaker 1: am so glad that you mentioned food, because everything you
Speaker 1: told me is just like a souper. I got carrots, potatoes, neckbones.
Speaker 1: So I have no clue on what the issue is
Speaker 1: because you've told me a lot. You've told me about
Speaker 1: two jobs. You told me about a dream job, told
Speaker 1: me about the second job. You told me about adding
Speaker 1: to the plate. You told me husband not able to provide.
Speaker 1: You told me something about a primary job. So I'm
Speaker 1: I can imagine you're confused, because I'm totally confused. So
Speaker 1: let's see how we can deconstruct this. Okay, in ten
Speaker 1: words or less, if you had to state what your
Speaker 1: greatest challenge is today, what would you say? My greatest
Speaker 1: challenge is one. My greatest challenge today is being there
Speaker 1: for me. Being there for me. Tell me what that means. Well,
Speaker 1: I do apologize. I get some journalism so I can
Speaker 1: articulate a little better, But no worries, no worries to
Speaker 1: best describe it. I've been all work and no play
Speaker 1: since I found out that I've been pregnant in two
Speaker 1: thousand and twenty. There hasn't been any extra money for
Speaker 1: me to take care of myself as a woman, all
Speaker 1: of my sons. My entire paycheck, as soon as it
Speaker 1: hits my direct depositans either going to its rent bills
Speaker 1: or something my daughter needs, or something that the car needs,
Speaker 1: or or something that I have to supply for. And
Speaker 1: I have once, I have things I want to do.
Speaker 1: I do want to progress in my legal career, but
Speaker 1: I also have these aspiring dreams that I want to
Speaker 1: do as well, you know, like start a business, but
Speaker 1: there is no time for me, and the anxiety of
Speaker 1: how do I continue to maintain it without breaking myself
Speaker 1: down or falling into the pattern or habits that I've
Speaker 1: seen around me. I don't know how to continue to
Speaker 1: maintain my strength during this season from me. And I
Speaker 1: read your book about being in the valley, and I
Speaker 1: did some basement digging. I did, and I found those skeletons,
Speaker 1: and I thought that, okay, I can work my way
Speaker 1: up to the first floor and do some more cleaning
Speaker 1: and clearing. But I'm realizing I've never purchased any of
Speaker 1: these furnitures for myself, and okay, so if I could
Speaker 1: take all that you just said that you are carrying
Speaker 1: all the weight. Does that make sense? Yes, ma'n. Would
Speaker 1: that be accurate? Yes? Man? So are you still married
Speaker 1: at the moment. Yes. Earlier on the first I asked
Speaker 1: my husband for a divorce, and on the fifth I
Speaker 1: found out that I was pregnant. So you're pregnant now
Speaker 1: eight weeks now, okay, and you're carrying all the weight.
Speaker 1: I heard you say earlier that your husband is not
Speaker 1: able to provide. Is that still accurate, yes, ma'am. Not
Speaker 1: to make the excuse for him. He is able. He's
Speaker 1: an educated man, he's working on his doctorate's degree. Is
Speaker 1: just he's going through his season. However, his season. I
Speaker 1: didn't expect it to last for this long, which would
Speaker 1: roughly be about four or five years now, and I
Speaker 1: see the effort. I could be very selfish and say
Speaker 1: that it's not enough, but the effort is there, nonetheless.
Speaker 1: So for the past four or five years, you've been
Speaker 1: carrying all the weight. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Yeah,
Speaker 1: slear okay, and now you're tired, yes, ma'am. So this
Speaker 1: is a conversation. If you're partnered or married, you know
Speaker 1: this is a conversation you need to have with your
Speaker 1: partner with some real, clear and specific requests. I hear
Speaker 1: you say that you want time for me, but all
Speaker 1: of this has been for you. For you. You have
Speaker 1: felt responsible to take care of your family, provide for
Speaker 1: your daughter, make sure those things are taken care of.
Speaker 1: All of that is for you if you're talking about
Speaker 1: individual me time where you can go to the spa
Speaker 1: or have a vacation or whatever. In terms of your
Speaker 1: education and your career and those things, those things just
Speaker 1: need to be prioritized. But what I'm hearing under all
Speaker 1: of this is that you're in a marriage, and it
Speaker 1: sounds like maybe I'm wrong. I'm always willing to be wrong,
Speaker 1: that you're discontent being in the marriage where you're carrying
Speaker 1: all the weight and your partner isn't contributing, and now
Speaker 1: you're exhausted and pregnant. So some of the marriage things
Speaker 1: have been going on, but other things that need to
Speaker 1: be in the marriage aren't going on. Am I getting
Speaker 1: this right? That's very correct. So what is the conversation
Speaker 1: you're having with your husband about I get you going
Speaker 1: for your PhD, but this is not working, it's not working.
Speaker 1: What is that conversation? Well, I try a gentle approach,
Speaker 1: whereas you know, I would suggest hey, look at this job,
Speaker 1: or he tries to work his business, so I'll suggest hey,
Speaker 1: maybe go out to these mixers and try to make
Speaker 1: connections here or do this, and I get pushed back
Speaker 1: sometimes and sometimes he tries to do these things. But
Speaker 1: I would say, if I could, I have a I
Speaker 1: have a different kind of hustle than him, you know. Um,
Speaker 1: And and he's just not He doesn't have that same
Speaker 1: drive that I would put into it if I was
Speaker 1: in his position, or I feel that I would have.
Speaker 1: Does your husband wear glasses? Yes, yes, ma'am oh, because
Speaker 1: it's clear to me that he can't see. That's very clear. Okay,
Speaker 1: he cannot see that you are working yourself, you know,
Speaker 1: to to death here and you know he's looking in
Speaker 1: the other direction. So let's take a whole other approach here.
Speaker 1: What do you want? What do you want? I want
Speaker 1: to now that I have some sort of financial stability
Speaker 1: in my life in a career, is that I want
Speaker 1: to work on I want to work on my goals
Speaker 1: and my dream now. I want to work on me mentally.
Speaker 1: I want to grow my spiritual self. I want to
Speaker 1: get back to doing your class, but less off, you know.
Speaker 1: And it's quite hard when I literally have every single
Speaker 1: day or any minute planned out, or if I'm not
Speaker 1: at work and then I'm doing some sort of foubering
Speaker 1: to help socide income, or I have to come home
Speaker 1: and try to figure out food or if I'm getting
Speaker 1: food or cooking food, or you know, I don't have
Speaker 1: time to clean, so I have to hire help to clean,
Speaker 1: or as you know, my husband to try to help clean,
Speaker 1: and that doesn't get done, I still have to do
Speaker 1: it myself. Any guy that's wanted, I have a solution
Speaker 1: for you, and you are probably not going to like it,
Speaker 1: are you okay? We'll do it right after this break.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the art spot. Here's where I'm stuck
Speaker 1: because you're carrying all the weight you're talking about, you know,
Speaker 1: the lack of support by by your partner. Because I'm
Speaker 1: not going to say a husband, that's not a husband,
Speaker 1: because a husband's job is to provide. So if he's
Speaker 1: not providing, he's not protecting, he's not taking care of you.
Speaker 1: He's a partner, maybe not an equal partner, clearly, but
Speaker 1: he's not a husband. So you're really a single woman.
Speaker 1: You need to be clear about that. You have somebody
Speaker 1: else using your toilet paper and you have to set
Speaker 1: another plate at the table, but you're you're you're not
Speaker 1: in a marriage. I don't. I don't know what that is,
Speaker 1: and you haven't asked me about it, so I'll leave
Speaker 1: that alone. But I hear you saying you want to
Speaker 1: take care of me, and then I hear you say
Speaker 1: you're a week's pregnant, so that's an impossibility, beloved, you
Speaker 1: getting ready to have a newborn. And how old is
Speaker 1: your other child? You're scoring on two in April two,
Speaker 1: so you've got a two year own. And anybody who's
Speaker 1: had children know that from two to five you just
Speaker 1: do the best you can and keep your hair from
Speaker 1: falling out, because that's, oh my goodness, that's a lot, okay,
Speaker 1: And if you work, I'm sure you need childcare, so
Speaker 1: that has to be handled. And then now you're getting
Speaker 1: ready to have another baby. So even your care and
Speaker 1: concern for yourself, your physical health, your mental health, your
Speaker 1: emotional health has to be focused on you providing the
Speaker 1: best host environment for this life growing inside of you.
Speaker 1: But then once that life gets here, the next five
Speaker 1: years are going to be focused on you structuring, nurturing, nourishing,
Speaker 1: growing up that life. So metime, you know, other than
Speaker 1: a few hours or a few days, or if you
Speaker 1: can get somebody the babysits. That's not gonna happen right now.
Speaker 1: So you wanting it, needing it, desiring it, I understand,
Speaker 1: But we got to prioritize us. And I'm encouraging you
Speaker 1: to prioritize it as though you were a single woman. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know, some choices need to be made here. And see,
Speaker 1: I'm old school. I'm old school, and I'm hardcore, and
Speaker 1: I'm from Brooklyn. If I had somebody sitting in my
Speaker 1: house who was not contributing when they put their legs
Speaker 1: under my table, the plate would be empty. But that's
Speaker 1: just me. That's just me. And you may not want
Speaker 1: to create that kind of upheaval in your home because
Speaker 1: you are carrying a life. That is your first priority
Speaker 1: to keep your mind, your heart, your body as finely
Speaker 1: tuned as possible so that that life that you are
Speaker 1: hosting will get here because you're feeding that baby and
Speaker 1: right now it sounds like you're feeding stress and unhappiness, anxiety.
Speaker 1: The baby is receiving all of that. Does that make
Speaker 1: sense to you? Correct? And I noticed as an issue.
Speaker 1: And this is where I'm coming to you because it's
Speaker 1: I need help on how to change this around. And
Speaker 1: I'm aware of what you said about my marriage. I
Speaker 1: am very aware. It's just right now. I have to
Speaker 1: put that on the back of burner because I know
Speaker 1: that what's inside of me and my mentor my ability
Speaker 1: to continue forward is more important right now. So do
Speaker 1: you have a support team? Mom's sister girlfriend? What does
Speaker 1: your support team look like? My mom and I are
Speaker 1: pretty estranged and I'm working on dating her um when
Speaker 1: she's ready. When she's ready. Okay, so put that out.
Speaker 1: We don't have mom. What who else is on your
Speaker 1: support team? My father is there. I have an adult
Speaker 1: relationship with him, but he's here. He's going through his
Speaker 1: own struggles as well. I'm pretty much I don't share
Speaker 1: a lot of things, and that may be an issue too.
Speaker 1: I have an aunt that I tend to talk to
Speaker 1: a lot, and she's very on board with, you know,
Speaker 1: me making the transition into you know, moving on and
Speaker 1: things like that. But you know, I attend to not
Speaker 1: let her in too much, just because she can be
Speaker 1: quite opinionated. So you've told me everybody you don't have
Speaker 1: for support, So I'm assuming you don't have the support
Speaker 1: team because not mommy is not daddy and you're not
Speaker 1: letting aunty in and husband is trying to get a PhD. Okay,
Speaker 1: So when you go to work, what do you do
Speaker 1: for childcare? Um? Well, I work in alternative schedule, so
Speaker 1: I'm usually at work between that and night and ate am,
Speaker 1: which is pretty good. Okay, all right? And what do
Speaker 1: you do in the daytime? Well, um, once I get
Speaker 1: off work, I'm either still working trying to figure out
Speaker 1: how to uber her, or taking care of my daughter
Speaker 1: and spending that little time with her, or trying to
Speaker 1: get my house straightening together. M You know, So what
Speaker 1: I can offer you now now is because it seems
Speaker 1: to me I could be wrong that you have really
Speaker 1: dug yourself into a hole here. So we've got to
Speaker 1: look at some simple steps that you can climb out.
Speaker 1: And the way we're going to do that, a way
Speaker 1: I can offer you to do that is you've got
Speaker 1: to prioritize. So when you say me that you want
Speaker 1: to be there for you, the simple things that you
Speaker 1: can do because you are expecting is your diet, your rest,
Speaker 1: and your exercise, diet, red exercise, and your spiritual foundation,
Speaker 1: your spiritual work, your spiritual practice. Those are the things
Speaker 1: that you can do right now in the environment that
Speaker 1: you're in, in the situation that they're in. We can't
Speaker 1: talk long term right now to getting a law degree,
Speaker 1: and we can't talk about that. We've got to deal
Speaker 1: with what's first on the table. So how do you
Speaker 1: deepen or expand your spiritual practice? How do you engage
Speaker 1: or make some consistent steps toward exercise? How do you
Speaker 1: increase enhance your diet, and how do you ensure that
Speaker 1: you're getting good rest because that's for you, but it's
Speaker 1: also for the baby. That's how you can be there
Speaker 1: for you right now. I want to say this to you,
Speaker 1: and I know it's going to sound crazy, but if
Speaker 1: money is your only problem, then you really don't have
Speaker 1: a problem. Money is not going to solve your problem.
Speaker 1: You're thinking and the condition of your heart it's what's
Speaker 1: going to solve your problem. So on that list of
Speaker 1: priorities with spiritual practice, diet, rest, and exercise, we gotta
Speaker 1: put some happy. You have to prioritize happy because happy
Speaker 1: thoughts will give you more energy. Happy thoughts will lift
Speaker 1: you up. And little happy, I'm not talking about being happy.
Speaker 1: Little happy. So if it's a gratitude journal, if it's
Speaker 1: watching the television show that makes you happy. I don't know.
Speaker 1: You gotta find some happy because the stress of worrying
Speaker 1: about money is sucking your energy. Tell me what you
Speaker 1: hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me. Doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what words you use. I just want to know
Speaker 1: what you are hearing. Absolutely, I'm hearing that you're telling
Speaker 1: me that in order to be there for me, I
Speaker 1: need to prioritiside how I'm doing things in my life,
Speaker 1: including my diet, my rest, my exercise, my spiritual practices,
Speaker 1: and build on little moments of happiness and start a
Speaker 1: gratitude journal. Yes, yeah, okay, you know. And it's hard
Speaker 1: to be happy when you've got, you know, somebody you're
Speaker 1: looking at who's watching you self combust and they're not helping.
Speaker 1: I know, I don't understand. And I hear you say
Speaker 1: you want financial stability, but you can't get that with
Speaker 1: a stressed out mind and upset heart. You just can't.
Speaker 1: You can not. And I add that I think that
Speaker 1: this and this is just me rediscovering this from my childhood.
Speaker 1: I would when I lived with my mom, I would
Speaker 1: find a lot of issues that would be financial issues,
Speaker 1: which is rather if I got evicted from my home,
Speaker 1: or the lights will be off and things like that,
Speaker 1: And I think that experiencing those things as a child
Speaker 1: creating my adulthood anxiety for those things. So so I
Speaker 1: think when you said that if money's my problem, that's
Speaker 1: not the issue. I think the issue is my situation
Speaker 1: is creating me the anxiety that I'm feeling. I'm probably
Speaker 1: retraumatizing myself in a way trying to prevent that. Well,
Speaker 1: the trauma is driving you, not that you're retraumatizing. You
Speaker 1: never neutralize the trauma. Instability in the childhood creates trauma.
Speaker 1: Neglect in her childhood creates trauma. And so if that
Speaker 1: trauma is alive and active, anytime anything looks like, sounds like,
Speaker 1: smells like what created the trauma, it just rises to
Speaker 1: the surface and takes over. So you expect to struggle,
Speaker 1: even though you're doing everything not to struggle. You expect
Speaker 1: to struggle because that's what you know. Does that make sense? Yes? Man? Yeah,
Speaker 1: all right, let's talk about these priorities. And it didn't.
Speaker 1: It has not passed me that you said you asked
Speaker 1: your husband for a divorce and then found out you
Speaker 1: were pregnant. So I guess you stopped the divorce because
Speaker 1: you're pregnant. Yes, was that your reasoning? It was a reasoning. Um, now,
Speaker 1: um unpacked just slightly. You know, I've he's done some
Speaker 1: things that made me check out the marriage. So I've
Speaker 1: I've raged war on that on those actions that he did.
Speaker 1: So all of the hot meals that I used to cook,
Speaker 1: I was true my food, um, my, my intimacy, I
Speaker 1: was true from him. And you know, how did you
Speaker 1: get pregnant? I can hear you. You know it's you know,
Speaker 1: it's um you know, makeup sex, I guess. And I
Speaker 1: was a little reckless with that with my um odulation cycle. Um,
Speaker 1: and what I didn't share me and my husband we
Speaker 1: had a split for two years before I had my
Speaker 1: first daughter. And once we celebrate our anniversary and we
Speaker 1: were considering moving back together. You know, I found out
Speaker 1: that I was pregnant from you know, celebrating our anniversary
Speaker 1: and that was pretty much how we ended up getting
Speaker 1: back together from that, and you know, and yeah, I
Speaker 1: know it's a lot. I find it interesting that you
Speaker 1: say you want to be there for me, and then
Speaker 1: as a woman, one of the things you don't do
Speaker 1: is protect yourself. Yeah, because engaging in activities that add
Speaker 1: an additional responsibility to your life without protecting yourself. That's
Speaker 1: that's not very self supportive. Because if you're in a
Speaker 1: marriage with the man who can't provide for you, doesn't
Speaker 1: provide for you. You've got one child, now you're gonna
Speaker 1: have two, but you're staying in the marriage. Now there's
Speaker 1: going to be three people he's not providing for and
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to watch that. You're participating in it.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you shouldn't at all, but like
Speaker 1: I said, you should really start thinking of yourself as
Speaker 1: a single woman. If you have to carry all the
Speaker 1: weight and you have to do anything and anything that's contributed,
Speaker 1: you can consider it a gift. But you can't stay
Speaker 1: in this knowing what it is and complain about it.
Speaker 1: It's your choice. These are choices that you've made and
Speaker 1: you have the ability to respond to them. You are responsible.
Speaker 1: So what you can do right now as a grown
Speaker 1: woman with a big girl panties on in terms of
Speaker 1: wanting to take care of you, it's prioritized and a
Speaker 1: job and legal degree and those things. That's that's not
Speaker 1: the priority right now. We'll talk more about it when
Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's
Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. So talk to me about
Speaker 1: your spiritual practice. What do you do daily? Um? Well,
Speaker 1: I do have a Most High that I pray too often.
Speaker 1: I do find solace and a friend with Jesus. I
Speaker 1: do listen to whether it's inspirational rap, Christian music, or
Speaker 1: in worship music. So I find myself in little pieces
Speaker 1: of joy in my music. I do. I haven't meditated
Speaker 1: in a while. When I found myself the most stressed
Speaker 1: a few weeks ago, I started tapping to tap away
Speaker 1: that energy. Um, I do need to get back to
Speaker 1: the spiritual routine that I did have. Because if you're
Speaker 1: praying every day and you with the Most High and
Speaker 1: Jesus is your friend, you should be getting some clearer
Speaker 1: guidance than this. So whatever it is you're doing, we
Speaker 1: got to intensify that. You gotta intensify it. You know,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you if there's a spiritual teacher
Speaker 1: or guide that you listen to. I mean, do you
Speaker 1: read the Bible? I mean what I would recommend for
Speaker 1: you a really wonderful book. Are you moving more towards
Speaker 1: the Christian side or universal or what is what? I
Speaker 1: would say that non denomination is my foundation, but it's
Speaker 1: growing upwards from there, growing upward to what. Well, you know,
Speaker 1: I think I found the interest in African religion. Now
Speaker 1: I think I found you don't how the foundation in
Speaker 1: that to really you don't have the foundation and not
Speaker 1: to make it a robust part of your practice. So
Speaker 1: one I'm going to offer you is, are you familiar
Speaker 1: with Jesus Calling? No? No, does that sound like something
Speaker 1: if I say to you Jesus, you don't freak out?
Speaker 1: Do you? Okay? Well, you know, I don't know. Everybody
Speaker 1: has their own way. Jesus Calling. It's a daily book
Speaker 1: and she gives you a commentary and she also gives
Speaker 1: you a scripture to read every day. I'm going to
Speaker 1: put you on a prescription of Jesus Calling, so that
Speaker 1: you have something every single day to guide your day.
Speaker 1: You have a prayer to pray, You have an affirmation
Speaker 1: each and every day, because you've got to have that
Speaker 1: that foundation to know that something other than you is
Speaker 1: doing this and that there's someplace or something you can
Speaker 1: lean on. Does that make sense? That's what I needed
Speaker 1: to hear. Yeah, and you can get it as an
Speaker 1: app on your phone. You can get it as a book.
Speaker 1: You can get it as a journal, so you can
Speaker 1: put it on your phone for free, or you can
Speaker 1: go to wherever you shop, Amazon or wherever so that
Speaker 1: you have something every day. When you turn your feet
Speaker 1: to the side of your bed, that's your first step.
Speaker 1: That's your spiritual practice. That's your foundation, all right. And
Speaker 1: then when you stand up from your bed before you
Speaker 1: go get the baby or do whatever, even if it's
Speaker 1: a little stretching, deep knee bends. You know, I don't
Speaker 1: know where you live. If you can walk up and
Speaker 1: down a staircase, if you can walk around the block,
Speaker 1: you've got to get yourself moving because exercise is one
Speaker 1: of the best ways to eliminate stress. It just keeps
Speaker 1: the blood flowing in your body. I hear you say
Speaker 1: that you're trying to drive uber I don't know what
Speaker 1: that means. If you're trying, either you are or you aren't.
Speaker 1: But if you're ubering, pick two days a week or
Speaker 1: three days a week that these days I'm ubering, that's it.
Speaker 1: That's when I'm ubering. And the other three or four
Speaker 1: days you're not doing that. Those are the days you rest.
Speaker 1: Those are the days you come home, when the baby
Speaker 1: goes down for a nap, you take a nap, or
Speaker 1: if you had a support system to say, can you
Speaker 1: keep the baby for me for a couple of hours.
Speaker 1: You just have to prioritize in structure, prioritize and structure.
Speaker 1: But again, you need to be real clear that living
Speaker 1: in the house with a man who is not supporting
Speaker 1: you is a stressful activity. That's just it's just there.
Speaker 1: It's like having too many bumps on your pickle. Like
Speaker 1: this pickle, I can't even enjoy it. It's got too
Speaker 1: many bumps on it. With your job in the three
Speaker 1: or four days of ubering, you know, you just have
Speaker 1: to create a budget and that's what you have to
Speaker 1: live by. And if your partner contributes, that's a gift.
Speaker 1: You know, it makes it easier. But I believe that
Speaker 1: once you start really answering the call, and once you
Speaker 1: start working with the Christ Jesus calling, things are going
Speaker 1: to shift because you're gonna shift and I can do
Speaker 1: things like to create a budget and exercise to help
Speaker 1: for myself. Now here's my concern with you is that
Speaker 1: you're so exhausted that to do any of this it's
Speaker 1: just going to be overwhelming for you. So I will say,
Speaker 1: don't beat yourself up. Do what you can each and
Speaker 1: every day. If you don't do anything else, make your
Speaker 1: spiritual practice the priority that and rest for you and
Speaker 1: the baby. Because your happiness and the things that you
Speaker 1: want are really a function of you getting what you want.
Speaker 1: And if all you want is financial stability, you know not.
Speaker 1: I want peace, I want joy, I want a happy baby,
Speaker 1: I want my marriage to work. I want to be
Speaker 1: more focused in my life. Because what you want is
Speaker 1: so transactional. It's transactional because I'm sure, like ninety nine
Speaker 1: point two percent of the human race, you believe that
Speaker 1: in order to have money, you gotta work, and you
Speaker 1: gotta work hard to have more money, because that's what
Speaker 1: I'm hearing in your conversation. Now, that's not true, but
Speaker 1: that's what you believe. So if financial stability is what
Speaker 1: you want, if that's what's gonna make you happy and peaceful,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be really nervous not to be working your
Speaker 1: fingers to the bone because you don't believe that you
Speaker 1: can have what you want unless you make it happen.
Speaker 1: So that's just my concern for you what I want
Speaker 1: you to know that happiness is not an event. It's
Speaker 1: not occasional. It's having the happiness in your heart and
Speaker 1: in your mind. That's what creates the environment for more
Speaker 1: happiness to come. Does that make sense? Yeah? Yeah, So
Speaker 1: these little things and these little things the rest the
Speaker 1: spiritual practice to die at the exercise. You know, if
Speaker 1: you can manage that, worry about the education and all
Speaker 1: of that later, the divorce or whatever. Worry about that later,
Speaker 1: and continue to do your journaling so that you can
Speaker 1: constantly dump, you know, dump what's in your mind. Because
Speaker 1: on the other side of having this baby, you're gonna
Speaker 1: have to make some real hard decisions. Might be too
Speaker 1: hard to make right now, So we're not going to
Speaker 1: do that. Okay, you're quiet. What are you thinking? Well,
Speaker 1: I'm taking it all in. I'm taking a deep breath
Speaker 1: and really hearing what you're saying and not what I
Speaker 1: think I hear. Well, what do you think you here?
Speaker 1: I think that I hear you saying that. You know,
Speaker 1: like you said, if money is my problem, that I
Speaker 1: really don't have any problems at all. It's more so
Speaker 1: about the happiness that is or is not here within
Speaker 1: me and I'm also hearing you telling me how I
Speaker 1: can change these things around by prioritizing what's important first
Speaker 1: and working my way down the things that also matter
Speaker 1: but not of the immediate priority. Right. Okay, well you
Speaker 1: here very good. Apparently you hear better than your husband
Speaker 1: can see. I have a good feature, Missy, And like
Speaker 1: I said, I joined the Spiritual Warrior class and I
Speaker 1: do want to get back into doing that because it
Speaker 1: was it was a very beautiful feeling when I was joined.
Speaker 1: And the ladies that you had you connect with on
Speaker 1: my team, I think I was in the courage team.
Speaker 1: It did help me because I didn't have much courage.
Speaker 1: I considered myself a very bashful woman and I'm trying
Speaker 1: to break out of that. Let me tell you something.
Speaker 1: You have more courage than you give yourself credit for.
Speaker 1: It takes courage to be where you are and do
Speaker 1: what you're doing. It takes a lot of courage. So
Speaker 1: I hope that you can see that even to make
Speaker 1: this call took a lot of courage. And trust me,
Speaker 1: when I say I hear what you're not saying, I
Speaker 1: hear it very clearly. And whether it was a conscious
Speaker 1: choice or an unconscious choice, it's very wise of you,
Speaker 1: because there's a lot going on with you that would
Speaker 1: really just blow your circuitry if you really try to
Speaker 1: manage it all. So we're not gonna manage it all.
Speaker 1: We're gonna prioritize this. You are the focus. You and
Speaker 1: that baby are the focus, and this simple little things
Speaker 1: that you can do throughout these next seven months while
Speaker 1: you're carrying and preparing to bring forth this new life
Speaker 1: and on the other side of this as a woman,
Speaker 1: I really want to encourage you. You gotta have a posse.
Speaker 1: You gotta have a posse. You know, your crew, your team.
Speaker 1: If it's two, three, four people that you know, come
Speaker 1: Hella high water. They're there for you. So whatever has
Speaker 1: prevented you from doing that, I really want you to
Speaker 1: get on that. You got to look around your life,
Speaker 1: whether it's the women in your courage tribe or at
Speaker 1: some place I don't know, if you got to go
Speaker 1: join a little neighborhood church. You got to have a posse.
Speaker 1: You can't be out here on your own as a woman.
Speaker 1: I agree, I just I don't think I found my
Speaker 1: type of tribe yet. I had friends that I've known
Speaker 1: since college or high school, and I even have two
Speaker 1: male best friends, but you know, I'm in a different
Speaker 1: area of life, and I can't expect my single friends
Speaker 1: to understand my marital issues. And I can't expect my aunt,
Speaker 1: who has a completely different outlook on life, to be
Speaker 1: able to why who advised your mind? And I can't
Speaker 1: expect my male counterparts to, you know, help through the
Speaker 1: mental thumb. So I hear you, I hear you. I
Speaker 1: need to find my people. I think you have your people,
Speaker 1: but you judge them. Let me tell you something. One
Speaker 1: of the greatest gifts that a woman can have in
Speaker 1: her life is an elder woman, a midwife. And you
Speaker 1: all don't have to be on the same page, playing
Speaker 1: on the same team, reading from the same book. But
Speaker 1: in the annoying rambling that she's going to pour on you,
Speaker 1: there's nuggets of wisdom. And chances are you don't want
Speaker 1: to hear what she has to say. But I would
Speaker 1: be listening with my ears, my toes, my eyes because
Speaker 1: through that I filter it out and I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: what I need. Elder women, you know, and I speak
Speaker 1: as one myself. We can be a pain in the
Speaker 1: butt because we see it and we think it and
Speaker 1: you know, as long as it's not condemning and judgmental,
Speaker 1: taken in and comb through the all that's coming for
Speaker 1: you For that one little nugget, I promise you she
Speaker 1: has things to say that will help you. But you
Speaker 1: don't want to hear her condemn your husband, call you stupid,
Speaker 1: tell you what a mess you've made, what you need
Speaker 1: to do, and blah blah blah blah blah. You don't
Speaker 1: want to hear that. Yeah, but you did. And all
Speaker 1: you ever have to say to her was, Okay, how
Speaker 1: do I fix this? Because elder women love to tell
Speaker 1: you how to fix stuff. Yeah, and your single friends
Speaker 1: they have a wisdom too, And you're not just going
Speaker 1: to them to talk about your narrative problems. You need support.
Speaker 1: How many of them single friends can take the baby
Speaker 1: for a day, But any of them be willing to
Speaker 1: do that? Have you ever asked? Honestly, I've never met
Speaker 1: my daughter in person yet? Oh this is a problem. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not going no further with you. You got friends
Speaker 1: that they've seen your two year old child. Okay, let's
Speaker 1: go back prioritize. Yeah, spiritual practice, exercise, rest, diet, and
Speaker 1: a little bit of happy each day. What makes you
Speaker 1: happy a little bit each day. I don't care what
Speaker 1: it is. For me, it's Law and Order, two episodes,
Speaker 1: and I'm good to go, even though I've seen those
Speaker 1: two episodes fifty six signs. You've made it a little
Speaker 1: difficult for yourself, but I think that's because of the
Speaker 1: instability in your childhood. You've made it real hard. But
Speaker 1: I went to law school with three children. You got two,
Speaker 1: so you a step ahead of me. And I went
Speaker 1: to law school when I was thirty three years old.
Speaker 1: So it's all doable. You just have to prioritize. Okay, yes, man,
Speaker 1: thank you so much, thank you for calling. Get on
Speaker 1: those priorities and go to wherever you shop and get
Speaker 1: that book. Get that book, and I want to talk
Speaker 1: to you after you've had the baby. Okay, yes, alrighty
Speaker 1: bye bye. How do we fix a mess? How do
Speaker 1: we fix a mess? Sometimes we make a mess of
Speaker 1: our lives because we don't deal with the mess and
Speaker 1: our relationships, and sometimes we find ourselves in a mess
Speaker 1: of our own making. But that's hard to look at.
Speaker 1: So what we do is we hypnotize ourselves by looking
Speaker 1: at any and everything else other than the mess. We
Speaker 1: are in and in doing that we mess ourselves out.
Speaker 1: How do we fix a mess, Well, the first thing
Speaker 1: you have to do is you have to acknowledge that
Speaker 1: the mess exists. If you don't acknowledge that the mess exists,
Speaker 1: you're going to be spinning your wheels in the mud,
Speaker 1: making an even bigger mess. Once you acknowledge that the
Speaker 1: mess exists, then you have to prioritize. You have to
Speaker 1: prioritize what you can do based on what is available
Speaker 1: to you, so that you can grow the strength required
Speaker 1: to look at the whole mess. I tell your mess
Speaker 1: is something, and when you've got a mess, you gotta
Speaker 1: have priorities. And that's what I talk to my caller
Speaker 1: about today, priorities of a mess. Sometimes we're sitting in
Speaker 1: a mass that looks so big and that feels so heavy,
Speaker 1: we're not really sure where to begin. In those situations,
Speaker 1: what I always recommend is vote for you first. No
Speaker 1: matter how big the mess is, no matter how much
Speaker 1: is going on, no matter how many people are involved.
Speaker 1: You gotta take care of you. And you may not
Speaker 1: be able to take a trip around the world or
Speaker 1: buy yourself a fur coat or a new convertible car.
Speaker 1: But there are simple things that you can do, like
Speaker 1: a bath, a long hot soa bad where you're just
Speaker 1: crying the tub, or listen to music, play with yourself,
Speaker 1: do whatever is required in a moment. A walk. I
Speaker 1: remember when I had big mess in my life, I
Speaker 1: used to do a two am walk with God. I
Speaker 1: don't care what time I went to bed. I would
Speaker 1: get up at two am and I would just go
Speaker 1: out and walk around my area, around my block. I
Speaker 1: was fortunate that I had a lot of land, so
Speaker 1: I could walk my land, and I used to talk
Speaker 1: out loud and fuss and weep and laugh and tell jokes.
Speaker 1: Two am walk with God, simple didn't cost me anything.
Speaker 1: Eating when you got a mess in your life, don't
Speaker 1: eat mess. Don't eat mess, don't eat it mentally, don't
Speaker 1: eat it emotionally, and don't eat it spiritually. What you
Speaker 1: feed your mind, your heart, and your spirit when you're
Speaker 1: in a mess is absolutely essential. Yes, each of vegetables. Yes,
Speaker 1: drink plenty of water. But also be mindful of what
Speaker 1: you're watching, if you're watching television, what you're looking at,
Speaker 1: if you're on the computer, what you're reading, who you're
Speaker 1: talking to. Because in the middle of the mess. He
Speaker 1: gotta take care of you. I hope that my caller
Speaker 1: today really acknowledges herself for the courage that she has
Speaker 1: that's going to move her through this mess. But my
Speaker 1: real prayer for her is that on the other side,
Speaker 1: she's willing to take ownership of how she created it.
Speaker 1: That's where the real healing will unfold. I hope this
Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
Speaker 1: seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and
Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.