1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:04,960 Speaker 1: I am a Yngler, your host for this journey. I 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,319 Speaker 1: was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks 4 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,639 Speaker 1: and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,919 Speaker 1: is and what it is not. I want to share 6 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:27,600 Speaker 1: some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to 7 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 8 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. You know, sometimes we have a mess in 9 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,720 Speaker 1: our life, and we make it more difficult than it 10 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,480 Speaker 1: needs to be. We look everywhere, we're trying to find 11 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: a solution, and in the worst case scenario, we get 12 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: busy trying to fix the pieces of the mess that 13 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: we think are most important. I have a simple solution 14 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,279 Speaker 1: for a mess that I'm going to tell you about later. 15 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:11,479 Speaker 1: It's called a two am walk. But in the meantime, 16 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: the question I want us to look at is how 17 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:19,400 Speaker 1: do you fix a mess? How do you fix a mess? 18 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: Because sometimes we find ourselves in a mess, a mess 19 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:30,360 Speaker 1: of our own, making a mess that we have difficulty owning, 20 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: a mess that we have difficulty looking at. We make 21 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,839 Speaker 1: ourselves busy dealing with this piece or that piece. When 22 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 1: the truth is, we are a mess. And if you're 23 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: a mess, you will not be able to clean up 24 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,639 Speaker 1: a mess. Because when there's a mess in your life, 25 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,640 Speaker 1: when there's a mess in your relationship, when there's a 26 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,520 Speaker 1: mess in your mind, when there's a mess in your heart, 27 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: you got to prioritize. I'm going to talk to my 28 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: guests about that today, how to prioritize your mess. Welcome beloved, 29 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: Thank you for your time today, Thank you for calling 30 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: me our spot. Now, what is your relationship issue, challenge, 31 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:18,080 Speaker 1: dilemma that we're going to chew on together today. Hi, 32 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: I'm gonna thank you for taking my call. My dilemma, 33 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:27,519 Speaker 1: or I would say challenge, would be my anxiety of 34 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 1: my life at the moment. Tell me more absolutely, about 35 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:41,200 Speaker 1: three years ago, when you did your first round of courses, 36 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 1: I joined and I removed myself because I thought myself 37 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 1: in a dream job opportunity. I quit my job, I 38 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: joined your class. I worked on my chakras, and I 39 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: got a call from a really good agency in Chicago, 40 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 1: or government agency, and I took the job. You know, 41 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: I was pregnant and I was happy, and I took 42 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 1: on a lot of I gave first and my child. 43 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: I was in school working on my parent legal certificate 44 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: and my degree, and in the middle of that, my 45 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,960 Speaker 1: marriage seemed to have had a challenge where we were 46 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: financially challenged. Essentially, I'm adding more to my plate. And 47 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: fast forward to last year. I found myself a really 48 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:40,960 Speaker 1: great second job at a college and it paid well 49 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 1: and helping to subside the income that my husband was 50 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: not able to provide anymore. And that position got pretty 51 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,880 Speaker 1: stressful for me, and I had been in situations where 52 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: I had to pick my primary job over my secondary, 53 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 1: and so I had to quit. I noticed that my daughter, 54 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: who I put first and most of anything that I did, 55 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 1: you know, it took a back seat, and my wifely 56 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: duties seem to have slid. And here I am in 57 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,520 Speaker 1: a place where I'm having these anxieties of my life 58 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 1: to say, I don't know how to continue to hold 59 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 1: on to what I still have, or how to keep 60 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:35,039 Speaker 1: pushing through these things and even with the small other 61 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:39,840 Speaker 1: things like family, friends and relationships that comes behind. But 62 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:45,480 Speaker 1: my primary focus is my main dish, my entree. I 63 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:50,640 Speaker 1: am so glad that you mentioned food, because everything you 64 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,880 Speaker 1: told me is just like a souper. I got carrots, potatoes, neckbones. 65 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 1: So I have no clue on what the issue is 66 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 1: because you've told me a lot. You've told me about 67 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 1: two jobs. You told me about a dream job, told 68 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,839 Speaker 1: me about the second job. You told me about adding 69 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: to the plate. You told me husband not able to provide. 70 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: You told me something about a primary job. So I'm 71 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,440 Speaker 1: I can imagine you're confused, because I'm totally confused. So 72 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:26,279 Speaker 1: let's see how we can deconstruct this. Okay, in ten 73 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:31,080 Speaker 1: words or less, if you had to state what your 74 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:36,719 Speaker 1: greatest challenge is today, what would you say? My greatest 75 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,760 Speaker 1: challenge is one. My greatest challenge today is being there 76 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: for me. Being there for me. Tell me what that means. Well, 77 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,760 Speaker 1: I do apologize. I get some journalism so I can 78 00:05:53,920 --> 00:06:00,680 Speaker 1: articulate a little better, But no worries, no worries to 79 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 1: best describe it. I've been all work and no play 80 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,719 Speaker 1: since I found out that I've been pregnant in two 81 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 1: thousand and twenty. There hasn't been any extra money for 82 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: me to take care of myself as a woman, all 83 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,080 Speaker 1: of my sons. My entire paycheck, as soon as it 84 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 1: hits my direct depositans either going to its rent bills 85 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: or something my daughter needs, or something that the car needs, 86 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,080 Speaker 1: or or something that I have to supply for. And 87 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: I have once, I have things I want to do. 88 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 1: I do want to progress in my legal career, but 89 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:42,359 Speaker 1: I also have these aspiring dreams that I want to 90 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,560 Speaker 1: do as well, you know, like start a business, but 91 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:49,160 Speaker 1: there is no time for me, and the anxiety of 92 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,480 Speaker 1: how do I continue to maintain it without breaking myself 93 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:58,080 Speaker 1: down or falling into the pattern or habits that I've 94 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: seen around me. I don't know how to continue to 95 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:06,039 Speaker 1: maintain my strength during this season from me. And I 96 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,000 Speaker 1: read your book about being in the valley, and I 97 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 1: did some basement digging. I did, and I found those skeletons, 98 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,720 Speaker 1: and I thought that, okay, I can work my way 99 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 1: up to the first floor and do some more cleaning 100 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: and clearing. But I'm realizing I've never purchased any of 101 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 1: these furnitures for myself, and okay, so if I could 102 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 1: take all that you just said that you are carrying 103 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: all the weight. Does that make sense? Yes, ma'n. Would 104 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 1: that be accurate? Yes? Man? So are you still married 105 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: at the moment. Yes. Earlier on the first I asked 106 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: my husband for a divorce, and on the fifth I 107 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 1: found out that I was pregnant. So you're pregnant now 108 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 1: eight weeks now, okay, and you're carrying all the weight. 109 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 1: I heard you say earlier that your husband is not 110 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 1: able to provide. Is that still accurate, yes, ma'am. Not 111 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 1: to make the excuse for him. He is able. He's 112 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 1: an educated man, he's working on his doctorate's degree. Is 113 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,679 Speaker 1: just he's going through his season. However, his season. I 114 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: didn't expect it to last for this long, which would 115 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:41,719 Speaker 1: roughly be about four or five years now, and I 116 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:46,960 Speaker 1: see the effort. I could be very selfish and say 117 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:51,479 Speaker 1: that it's not enough, but the effort is there, nonetheless. 118 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:55,600 Speaker 1: So for the past four or five years, you've been 119 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,880 Speaker 1: carrying all the weight. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Yeah, 120 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: slear okay, and now you're tired, yes, ma'am. So this 121 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:12,719 Speaker 1: is a conversation. If you're partnered or married, you know 122 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:16,120 Speaker 1: this is a conversation you need to have with your 123 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 1: partner with some real, clear and specific requests. I hear 124 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: you say that you want time for me, but all 125 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,320 Speaker 1: of this has been for you. For you. You have 126 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 1: felt responsible to take care of your family, provide for 127 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: your daughter, make sure those things are taken care of. 128 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,560 Speaker 1: All of that is for you if you're talking about 129 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:40,560 Speaker 1: individual me time where you can go to the spa 130 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: or have a vacation or whatever. In terms of your 131 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: education and your career and those things, those things just 132 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: need to be prioritized. But what I'm hearing under all 133 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 1: of this is that you're in a marriage, and it 134 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,120 Speaker 1: sounds like maybe I'm wrong. I'm always willing to be wrong, 135 00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:03,920 Speaker 1: that you're discontent being in the marriage where you're carrying 136 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:07,560 Speaker 1: all the weight and your partner isn't contributing, and now 137 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:12,640 Speaker 1: you're exhausted and pregnant. So some of the marriage things 138 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,920 Speaker 1: have been going on, but other things that need to 139 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 1: be in the marriage aren't going on. Am I getting 140 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:24,080 Speaker 1: this right? That's very correct. So what is the conversation 141 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,440 Speaker 1: you're having with your husband about I get you going 142 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: for your PhD, but this is not working, it's not working. 143 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:37,560 Speaker 1: What is that conversation? Well, I try a gentle approach, 144 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:42,480 Speaker 1: whereas you know, I would suggest hey, look at this job, 145 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,760 Speaker 1: or he tries to work his business, so I'll suggest hey, 146 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: maybe go out to these mixers and try to make 147 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:55,360 Speaker 1: connections here or do this, and I get pushed back 148 00:10:55,440 --> 00:11:00,480 Speaker 1: sometimes and sometimes he tries to do these things. But 149 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,679 Speaker 1: I would say, if I could, I have a I 150 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 1: have a different kind of hustle than him, you know. Um, 151 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: And and he's just not He doesn't have that same 152 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,520 Speaker 1: drive that I would put into it if I was 153 00:11:18,559 --> 00:11:21,840 Speaker 1: in his position, or I feel that I would have. 154 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:28,160 Speaker 1: Does your husband wear glasses? Yes, yes, ma'am oh, because 155 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: it's clear to me that he can't see. That's very clear. Okay, 156 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: he cannot see that you are working yourself, you know, 157 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,559 Speaker 1: to to death here and you know he's looking in 158 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:44,680 Speaker 1: the other direction. So let's take a whole other approach here. 159 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:51,480 Speaker 1: What do you want? What do you want? I want 160 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:58,520 Speaker 1: to now that I have some sort of financial stability 161 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:00,560 Speaker 1: in my life in a career, is that I want 162 00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:03,400 Speaker 1: to work on I want to work on my goals 163 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 1: and my dream now. I want to work on me mentally. 164 00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:13,679 Speaker 1: I want to grow my spiritual self. I want to 165 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,760 Speaker 1: get back to doing your class, but less off, you know. 166 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:22,280 Speaker 1: And it's quite hard when I literally have every single 167 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,840 Speaker 1: day or any minute planned out, or if I'm not 168 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,280 Speaker 1: at work and then I'm doing some sort of foubering 169 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 1: to help socide income, or I have to come home 170 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 1: and try to figure out food or if I'm getting 171 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 1: food or cooking food, or you know, I don't have 172 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:42,319 Speaker 1: time to clean, so I have to hire help to clean, 173 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,679 Speaker 1: or as you know, my husband to try to help clean, 174 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:48,400 Speaker 1: and that doesn't get done, I still have to do 175 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:54,480 Speaker 1: it myself. Any guy that's wanted, I have a solution 176 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:58,360 Speaker 1: for you, and you are probably not going to like it, 177 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: are you okay? We'll do it right after this break. 178 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,120 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the art spot. Here's where I'm stuck 179 00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: because you're carrying all the weight you're talking about, you know, 180 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 1: the lack of support by by your partner. Because I'm 181 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,720 Speaker 1: not going to say a husband, that's not a husband, 182 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:28,200 Speaker 1: because a husband's job is to provide. So if he's 183 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:32,600 Speaker 1: not providing, he's not protecting, he's not taking care of you. 184 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,760 Speaker 1: He's a partner, maybe not an equal partner, clearly, but 185 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: he's not a husband. So you're really a single woman. 186 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: You need to be clear about that. You have somebody 187 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,920 Speaker 1: else using your toilet paper and you have to set 188 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: another plate at the table, but you're you're you're not 189 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 1: in a marriage. I don't. I don't know what that is, 190 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 1: and you haven't asked me about it, so I'll leave 191 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,760 Speaker 1: that alone. But I hear you saying you want to 192 00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,559 Speaker 1: take care of me, and then I hear you say 193 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:06,599 Speaker 1: you're a week's pregnant, so that's an impossibility, beloved, you 194 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 1: getting ready to have a newborn. And how old is 195 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: your other child? You're scoring on two in April two, 196 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,760 Speaker 1: so you've got a two year own. And anybody who's 197 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: had children know that from two to five you just 198 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:22,480 Speaker 1: do the best you can and keep your hair from 199 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 1: falling out, because that's, oh my goodness, that's a lot, okay, 200 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:31,200 Speaker 1: And if you work, I'm sure you need childcare, so 201 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: that has to be handled. And then now you're getting 202 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: ready to have another baby. So even your care and 203 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 1: concern for yourself, your physical health, your mental health, your 204 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:48,280 Speaker 1: emotional health has to be focused on you providing the 205 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: best host environment for this life growing inside of you. 206 00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: But then once that life gets here, the next five 207 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 1: years are going to be focused on you structuring, nurturing, nourishing, 208 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,880 Speaker 1: growing up that life. So metime, you know, other than 209 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: a few hours or a few days, or if you 210 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 1: can get somebody the babysits. That's not gonna happen right now. 211 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,400 Speaker 1: So you wanting it, needing it, desiring it, I understand, 212 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: But we got to prioritize us. And I'm encouraging you 213 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:28,360 Speaker 1: to prioritize it as though you were a single woman. Yes, 214 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:33,360 Speaker 1: you know, some choices need to be made here. And see, 215 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,720 Speaker 1: I'm old school. I'm old school, and I'm hardcore, and 216 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:43,160 Speaker 1: I'm from Brooklyn. If I had somebody sitting in my 217 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:48,680 Speaker 1: house who was not contributing when they put their legs 218 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 1: under my table, the plate would be empty. But that's 219 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 1: just me. That's just me. And you may not want 220 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,560 Speaker 1: to create that kind of upheaval in your home because 221 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:03,840 Speaker 1: you are carrying a life. That is your first priority 222 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:10,960 Speaker 1: to keep your mind, your heart, your body as finely 223 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: tuned as possible so that that life that you are 224 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 1: hosting will get here because you're feeding that baby and 225 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:28,479 Speaker 1: right now it sounds like you're feeding stress and unhappiness, anxiety. 226 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:33,120 Speaker 1: The baby is receiving all of that. Does that make 227 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 1: sense to you? Correct? And I noticed as an issue. 228 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 1: And this is where I'm coming to you because it's 229 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: I need help on how to change this around. And 230 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,040 Speaker 1: I'm aware of what you said about my marriage. I 231 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,640 Speaker 1: am very aware. It's just right now. I have to 232 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: put that on the back of burner because I know 233 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:58,480 Speaker 1: that what's inside of me and my mentor my ability 234 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: to continue forward is more important right now. So do 235 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:09,600 Speaker 1: you have a support team? Mom's sister girlfriend? What does 236 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: your support team look like? My mom and I are 237 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:22,960 Speaker 1: pretty estranged and I'm working on dating her um when 238 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,639 Speaker 1: she's ready. When she's ready. Okay, so put that out. 239 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,000 Speaker 1: We don't have mom. What who else is on your 240 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,479 Speaker 1: support team? My father is there. I have an adult 241 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 1: relationship with him, but he's here. He's going through his 242 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 1: own struggles as well. I'm pretty much I don't share 243 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,160 Speaker 1: a lot of things, and that may be an issue too. 244 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,080 Speaker 1: I have an aunt that I tend to talk to 245 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,359 Speaker 1: a lot, and she's very on board with, you know, 246 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,919 Speaker 1: me making the transition into you know, moving on and 247 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,119 Speaker 1: things like that. But you know, I attend to not 248 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,960 Speaker 1: let her in too much, just because she can be 249 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:11,600 Speaker 1: quite opinionated. So you've told me everybody you don't have 250 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,360 Speaker 1: for support, So I'm assuming you don't have the support 251 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 1: team because not mommy is not daddy and you're not 252 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:20,920 Speaker 1: letting aunty in and husband is trying to get a PhD. Okay, 253 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:22,639 Speaker 1: So when you go to work, what do you do 254 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,199 Speaker 1: for childcare? Um? Well, I work in alternative schedule, so 255 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,879 Speaker 1: I'm usually at work between that and night and ate am, 256 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:35,119 Speaker 1: which is pretty good. Okay, all right? And what do 257 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: you do in the daytime? Well, um, once I get 258 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,440 Speaker 1: off work, I'm either still working trying to figure out 259 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 1: how to uber her, or taking care of my daughter 260 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,840 Speaker 1: and spending that little time with her, or trying to 261 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:57,800 Speaker 1: get my house straightening together. M You know, So what 262 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,280 Speaker 1: I can offer you now now is because it seems 263 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,480 Speaker 1: to me I could be wrong that you have really 264 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,919 Speaker 1: dug yourself into a hole here. So we've got to 265 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:15,000 Speaker 1: look at some simple steps that you can climb out. 266 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: And the way we're going to do that, a way 267 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:20,880 Speaker 1: I can offer you to do that is you've got 268 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:29,800 Speaker 1: to prioritize. So when you say me that you want 269 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: to be there for you, the simple things that you 270 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:41,280 Speaker 1: can do because you are expecting is your diet, your rest, 271 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:52,880 Speaker 1: and your exercise, diet, red exercise, and your spiritual foundation, 272 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:58,320 Speaker 1: your spiritual work, your spiritual practice. Those are the things 273 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:02,960 Speaker 1: that you can do right now in the environment that 274 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,000 Speaker 1: you're in, in the situation that they're in. We can't 275 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,320 Speaker 1: talk long term right now to getting a law degree, 276 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:13,560 Speaker 1: and we can't talk about that. We've got to deal 277 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:20,000 Speaker 1: with what's first on the table. So how do you 278 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:28,040 Speaker 1: deepen or expand your spiritual practice? How do you engage 279 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: or make some consistent steps toward exercise? How do you 280 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:39,880 Speaker 1: increase enhance your diet, and how do you ensure that 281 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 1: you're getting good rest because that's for you, but it's 282 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,840 Speaker 1: also for the baby. That's how you can be there 283 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 1: for you right now. I want to say this to you, 284 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:58,000 Speaker 1: and I know it's going to sound crazy, but if 285 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 1: money is your only problem, then you really don't have 286 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:06,680 Speaker 1: a problem. Money is not going to solve your problem. 287 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:10,600 Speaker 1: You're thinking and the condition of your heart it's what's 288 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,439 Speaker 1: going to solve your problem. So on that list of 289 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: priorities with spiritual practice, diet, rest, and exercise, we gotta 290 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:29,800 Speaker 1: put some happy. You have to prioritize happy because happy 291 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:34,760 Speaker 1: thoughts will give you more energy. Happy thoughts will lift 292 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,159 Speaker 1: you up. And little happy, I'm not talking about being happy. 293 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:44,560 Speaker 1: Little happy. So if it's a gratitude journal, if it's 294 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,159 Speaker 1: watching the television show that makes you happy. I don't know. 295 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 1: You gotta find some happy because the stress of worrying 296 00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 1: about money is sucking your energy. Tell me what you 297 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,119 Speaker 1: hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me. Doesn't 298 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:02,320 Speaker 1: matter what words you use. I just want to know 299 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:07,879 Speaker 1: what you are hearing. Absolutely, I'm hearing that you're telling 300 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,919 Speaker 1: me that in order to be there for me, I 301 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,639 Speaker 1: need to prioritiside how I'm doing things in my life, 302 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:19,359 Speaker 1: including my diet, my rest, my exercise, my spiritual practices, 303 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: and build on little moments of happiness and start a 304 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 1: gratitude journal. Yes, yeah, okay, you know. And it's hard 305 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: to be happy when you've got, you know, somebody you're 306 00:22:39,119 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: looking at who's watching you self combust and they're not helping. 307 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:51,040 Speaker 1: I know, I don't understand. And I hear you say 308 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,359 Speaker 1: you want financial stability, but you can't get that with 309 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:59,560 Speaker 1: a stressed out mind and upset heart. You just can't. 310 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,919 Speaker 1: You can not. And I add that I think that 311 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:10,920 Speaker 1: this and this is just me rediscovering this from my childhood. 312 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:17,160 Speaker 1: I would when I lived with my mom, I would 313 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:21,400 Speaker 1: find a lot of issues that would be financial issues, 314 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,160 Speaker 1: which is rather if I got evicted from my home, 315 00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:27,600 Speaker 1: or the lights will be off and things like that, 316 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 1: And I think that experiencing those things as a child 317 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: creating my adulthood anxiety for those things. So so I 318 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,640 Speaker 1: think when you said that if money's my problem, that's 319 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:45,679 Speaker 1: not the issue. I think the issue is my situation 320 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 1: is creating me the anxiety that I'm feeling. I'm probably 321 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 1: retraumatizing myself in a way trying to prevent that. Well, 322 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,919 Speaker 1: the trauma is driving you, not that you're retraumatizing. You 323 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:06,880 Speaker 1: never neutralize the trauma. Instability in the childhood creates trauma. 324 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,679 Speaker 1: Neglect in her childhood creates trauma. And so if that 325 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 1: trauma is alive and active, anytime anything looks like, sounds like, 326 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,639 Speaker 1: smells like what created the trauma, it just rises to 327 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:23,320 Speaker 1: the surface and takes over. So you expect to struggle, 328 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 1: even though you're doing everything not to struggle. You expect 329 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:35,920 Speaker 1: to struggle because that's what you know. Does that make sense? Yes? Man? Yeah, 330 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:41,879 Speaker 1: all right, let's talk about these priorities. And it didn't. 331 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:46,639 Speaker 1: It has not passed me that you said you asked 332 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,119 Speaker 1: your husband for a divorce and then found out you 333 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,919 Speaker 1: were pregnant. So I guess you stopped the divorce because 334 00:24:55,080 --> 00:25:02,400 Speaker 1: you're pregnant. Yes, was that your reasoning? It was a reasoning. Um, now, 335 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:08,520 Speaker 1: um unpacked just slightly. You know, I've he's done some 336 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:12,320 Speaker 1: things that made me check out the marriage. So I've 337 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:16,840 Speaker 1: I've raged war on that on those actions that he did. 338 00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: So all of the hot meals that I used to cook, 339 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:25,359 Speaker 1: I was true my food, um, my, my intimacy, I 340 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: was true from him. And you know, how did you 341 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:39,119 Speaker 1: get pregnant? I can hear you. You know it's you know, 342 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 1: it's um you know, makeup sex, I guess. And I 343 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: was a little reckless with that with my um odulation cycle. Um, 344 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:53,399 Speaker 1: and what I didn't share me and my husband we 345 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,000 Speaker 1: had a split for two years before I had my 346 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:04,560 Speaker 1: first daughter. And once we celebrate our anniversary and we 347 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:08,600 Speaker 1: were considering moving back together. You know, I found out 348 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 1: that I was pregnant from you know, celebrating our anniversary 349 00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:21,000 Speaker 1: and that was pretty much how we ended up getting 350 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 1: back together from that, and you know, and yeah, I 351 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: know it's a lot. I find it interesting that you 352 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,480 Speaker 1: say you want to be there for me, and then 353 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 1: as a woman, one of the things you don't do 354 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:45,800 Speaker 1: is protect yourself. Yeah, because engaging in activities that add 355 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:50,960 Speaker 1: an additional responsibility to your life without protecting yourself. That's 356 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:55,359 Speaker 1: that's not very self supportive. Because if you're in a 357 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 1: marriage with the man who can't provide for you, doesn't 358 00:26:58,119 --> 00:27:00,840 Speaker 1: provide for you. You've got one child, now you're gonna 359 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,800 Speaker 1: have two, but you're staying in the marriage. Now there's 360 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,560 Speaker 1: going to be three people he's not providing for and 361 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: you're gonna have to watch that. You're participating in it. 362 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you shouldn't at all, but like 363 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,120 Speaker 1: I said, you should really start thinking of yourself as 364 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:23,960 Speaker 1: a single woman. If you have to carry all the 365 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:27,000 Speaker 1: weight and you have to do anything and anything that's contributed, 366 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,000 Speaker 1: you can consider it a gift. But you can't stay 367 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:34,000 Speaker 1: in this knowing what it is and complain about it. 368 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:39,119 Speaker 1: It's your choice. These are choices that you've made and 369 00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:44,399 Speaker 1: you have the ability to respond to them. You are responsible. 370 00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 1: So what you can do right now as a grown 371 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:53,480 Speaker 1: woman with a big girl panties on in terms of 372 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 1: wanting to take care of you, it's prioritized and a 373 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,919 Speaker 1: job and legal degree and those things. That's that's not 374 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,360 Speaker 1: the priority right now. We'll talk more about it when 375 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:15,080 Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's 376 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:18,720 Speaker 1: get back to the conversation. So talk to me about 377 00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:23,600 Speaker 1: your spiritual practice. What do you do daily? Um? Well, 378 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:28,320 Speaker 1: I do have a Most High that I pray too often. 379 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:32,960 Speaker 1: I do find solace and a friend with Jesus. I 380 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:39,080 Speaker 1: do listen to whether it's inspirational rap, Christian music, or 381 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:44,520 Speaker 1: in worship music. So I find myself in little pieces 382 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: of joy in my music. I do. I haven't meditated 383 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 1: in a while. When I found myself the most stressed 384 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: a few weeks ago, I started tapping to tap away 385 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:02,520 Speaker 1: that energy. Um, I do need to get back to 386 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: the spiritual routine that I did have. Because if you're 387 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,240 Speaker 1: praying every day and you with the Most High and 388 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: Jesus is your friend, you should be getting some clearer 389 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,560 Speaker 1: guidance than this. So whatever it is you're doing, we 390 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:21,080 Speaker 1: got to intensify that. You gotta intensify it. You know, 391 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:24,840 Speaker 1: I don't know if you if there's a spiritual teacher 392 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 1: or guide that you listen to. I mean, do you 393 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,600 Speaker 1: read the Bible? I mean what I would recommend for 394 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 1: you a really wonderful book. Are you moving more towards 395 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:42,640 Speaker 1: the Christian side or universal or what is what? I 396 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:46,160 Speaker 1: would say that non denomination is my foundation, but it's 397 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:51,320 Speaker 1: growing upwards from there, growing upward to what. Well, you know, 398 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: I think I found the interest in African religion. Now 399 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:03,120 Speaker 1: I think I found you don't how the foundation in 400 00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:08,320 Speaker 1: that to really you don't have the foundation and not 401 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,760 Speaker 1: to make it a robust part of your practice. So 402 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,960 Speaker 1: one I'm going to offer you is, are you familiar 403 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:20,560 Speaker 1: with Jesus Calling? No? No, does that sound like something 404 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,120 Speaker 1: if I say to you Jesus, you don't freak out? 405 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:27,760 Speaker 1: Do you? Okay? Well, you know, I don't know. Everybody 406 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 1: has their own way. Jesus Calling. It's a daily book 407 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 1: and she gives you a commentary and she also gives 408 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: you a scripture to read every day. I'm going to 409 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:46,040 Speaker 1: put you on a prescription of Jesus Calling, so that 410 00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,840 Speaker 1: you have something every single day to guide your day. 411 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,440 Speaker 1: You have a prayer to pray, You have an affirmation 412 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 1: each and every day, because you've got to have that 413 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: that foundation to know that something other than you is 414 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:07,480 Speaker 1: doing this and that there's someplace or something you can 415 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:11,440 Speaker 1: lean on. Does that make sense? That's what I needed 416 00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:14,520 Speaker 1: to hear. Yeah, and you can get it as an 417 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:16,920 Speaker 1: app on your phone. You can get it as a book. 418 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,240 Speaker 1: You can get it as a journal, so you can 419 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,240 Speaker 1: put it on your phone for free, or you can 420 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:26,840 Speaker 1: go to wherever you shop, Amazon or wherever so that 421 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:30,000 Speaker 1: you have something every day. When you turn your feet 422 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,040 Speaker 1: to the side of your bed, that's your first step. 423 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:36,719 Speaker 1: That's your spiritual practice. That's your foundation, all right. And 424 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,120 Speaker 1: then when you stand up from your bed before you 425 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:41,760 Speaker 1: go get the baby or do whatever, even if it's 426 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:46,840 Speaker 1: a little stretching, deep knee bends. You know, I don't 427 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:48,760 Speaker 1: know where you live. If you can walk up and 428 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,400 Speaker 1: down a staircase, if you can walk around the block, 429 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:56,240 Speaker 1: you've got to get yourself moving because exercise is one 430 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: of the best ways to eliminate stress. It just keeps 431 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:03,440 Speaker 1: the blood flowing in your body. I hear you say 432 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:06,200 Speaker 1: that you're trying to drive uber I don't know what 433 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:08,720 Speaker 1: that means. If you're trying, either you are or you aren't. 434 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,560 Speaker 1: But if you're ubering, pick two days a week or 435 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:17,000 Speaker 1: three days a week that these days I'm ubering, that's it. 436 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:20,120 Speaker 1: That's when I'm ubering. And the other three or four 437 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,440 Speaker 1: days you're not doing that. Those are the days you rest. 438 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,240 Speaker 1: Those are the days you come home, when the baby 439 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,760 Speaker 1: goes down for a nap, you take a nap, or 440 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,280 Speaker 1: if you had a support system to say, can you 441 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,520 Speaker 1: keep the baby for me for a couple of hours. 442 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 1: You just have to prioritize in structure, prioritize and structure. 443 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 1: But again, you need to be real clear that living 444 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:46,520 Speaker 1: in the house with a man who is not supporting 445 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:50,880 Speaker 1: you is a stressful activity. That's just it's just there. 446 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,040 Speaker 1: It's like having too many bumps on your pickle. Like 447 00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:57,000 Speaker 1: this pickle, I can't even enjoy it. It's got too 448 00:32:57,080 --> 00:33:02,440 Speaker 1: many bumps on it. With your job in the three 449 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:05,080 Speaker 1: or four days of ubering, you know, you just have 450 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,280 Speaker 1: to create a budget and that's what you have to 451 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: live by. And if your partner contributes, that's a gift. 452 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,760 Speaker 1: You know, it makes it easier. But I believe that 453 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 1: once you start really answering the call, and once you 454 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:25,160 Speaker 1: start working with the Christ Jesus calling, things are going 455 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:28,680 Speaker 1: to shift because you're gonna shift and I can do 456 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:33,080 Speaker 1: things like to create a budget and exercise to help 457 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:39,000 Speaker 1: for myself. Now here's my concern with you is that 458 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:44,160 Speaker 1: you're so exhausted that to do any of this it's 459 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:48,800 Speaker 1: just going to be overwhelming for you. So I will say, 460 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: don't beat yourself up. Do what you can each and 461 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: every day. If you don't do anything else, make your 462 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:03,200 Speaker 1: spiritual practice the priority that and rest for you and 463 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:09,880 Speaker 1: the baby. Because your happiness and the things that you 464 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:14,720 Speaker 1: want are really a function of you getting what you want. 465 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:19,440 Speaker 1: And if all you want is financial stability, you know not. 466 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,920 Speaker 1: I want peace, I want joy, I want a happy baby, 467 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,239 Speaker 1: I want my marriage to work. I want to be 468 00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:29,719 Speaker 1: more focused in my life. Because what you want is 469 00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:35,480 Speaker 1: so transactional. It's transactional because I'm sure, like ninety nine 470 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,520 Speaker 1: point two percent of the human race, you believe that 471 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:40,719 Speaker 1: in order to have money, you gotta work, and you 472 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,880 Speaker 1: gotta work hard to have more money, because that's what 473 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:46,040 Speaker 1: I'm hearing in your conversation. Now, that's not true, but 474 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:50,359 Speaker 1: that's what you believe. So if financial stability is what 475 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:54,440 Speaker 1: you want, if that's what's gonna make you happy and peaceful, 476 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,839 Speaker 1: you're gonna be really nervous not to be working your 477 00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:02,719 Speaker 1: fingers to the bone because you don't believe that you 478 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,040 Speaker 1: can have what you want unless you make it happen. 479 00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:09,560 Speaker 1: So that's just my concern for you what I want 480 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:14,040 Speaker 1: you to know that happiness is not an event. It's 481 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:19,920 Speaker 1: not occasional. It's having the happiness in your heart and 482 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,640 Speaker 1: in your mind. That's what creates the environment for more 483 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:32,120 Speaker 1: happiness to come. Does that make sense? Yeah? Yeah, So 484 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:37,440 Speaker 1: these little things and these little things the rest the 485 00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:42,399 Speaker 1: spiritual practice to die at the exercise. You know, if 486 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:48,239 Speaker 1: you can manage that, worry about the education and all 487 00:35:48,239 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: of that later, the divorce or whatever. Worry about that later, 488 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:56,919 Speaker 1: and continue to do your journaling so that you can 489 00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:02,920 Speaker 1: constantly dump, you know, dump what's in your mind. Because 490 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,040 Speaker 1: on the other side of having this baby, you're gonna 491 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:09,440 Speaker 1: have to make some real hard decisions. Might be too 492 00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:11,239 Speaker 1: hard to make right now, So we're not going to 493 00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:15,840 Speaker 1: do that. Okay, you're quiet. What are you thinking? Well, 494 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,600 Speaker 1: I'm taking it all in. I'm taking a deep breath 495 00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:21,840 Speaker 1: and really hearing what you're saying and not what I 496 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:24,800 Speaker 1: think I hear. Well, what do you think you here? 497 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:30,080 Speaker 1: I think that I hear you saying that. You know, 498 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,319 Speaker 1: like you said, if money is my problem, that I 499 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,840 Speaker 1: really don't have any problems at all. It's more so 500 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,720 Speaker 1: about the happiness that is or is not here within 501 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:45,000 Speaker 1: me and I'm also hearing you telling me how I 502 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:50,240 Speaker 1: can change these things around by prioritizing what's important first 503 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:56,680 Speaker 1: and working my way down the things that also matter 504 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:02,840 Speaker 1: but not of the immediate priority. Right. Okay, well you 505 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,360 Speaker 1: here very good. Apparently you hear better than your husband 506 00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:13,440 Speaker 1: can see. I have a good feature, Missy, And like 507 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: I said, I joined the Spiritual Warrior class and I 508 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,840 Speaker 1: do want to get back into doing that because it 509 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,000 Speaker 1: was it was a very beautiful feeling when I was joined. 510 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:27,319 Speaker 1: And the ladies that you had you connect with on 511 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:32,000 Speaker 1: my team, I think I was in the courage team. 512 00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:35,520 Speaker 1: It did help me because I didn't have much courage. 513 00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:39,520 Speaker 1: I considered myself a very bashful woman and I'm trying 514 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,640 Speaker 1: to break out of that. Let me tell you something. 515 00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:44,279 Speaker 1: You have more courage than you give yourself credit for. 516 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,600 Speaker 1: It takes courage to be where you are and do 517 00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:54,160 Speaker 1: what you're doing. It takes a lot of courage. So 518 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,279 Speaker 1: I hope that you can see that even to make 519 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:03,279 Speaker 1: this call took a lot of courage. And trust me, 520 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:07,759 Speaker 1: when I say I hear what you're not saying, I 521 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:11,680 Speaker 1: hear it very clearly. And whether it was a conscious 522 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: choice or an unconscious choice, it's very wise of you, 523 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:19,759 Speaker 1: because there's a lot going on with you that would 524 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:23,480 Speaker 1: really just blow your circuitry if you really try to 525 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:26,160 Speaker 1: manage it all. So we're not gonna manage it all. 526 00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:30,239 Speaker 1: We're gonna prioritize this. You are the focus. You and 527 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:34,200 Speaker 1: that baby are the focus, and this simple little things 528 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:38,560 Speaker 1: that you can do throughout these next seven months while 529 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:42,320 Speaker 1: you're carrying and preparing to bring forth this new life 530 00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:45,600 Speaker 1: and on the other side of this as a woman, 531 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:49,600 Speaker 1: I really want to encourage you. You gotta have a posse. 532 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:54,240 Speaker 1: You gotta have a posse. You know, your crew, your team. 533 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:58,200 Speaker 1: If it's two, three, four people that you know, come 534 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:01,719 Speaker 1: Hella high water. They're there for you. So whatever has 535 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,840 Speaker 1: prevented you from doing that, I really want you to 536 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,760 Speaker 1: get on that. You got to look around your life, 537 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:11,360 Speaker 1: whether it's the women in your courage tribe or at 538 00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:14,400 Speaker 1: some place I don't know, if you got to go 539 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:17,480 Speaker 1: join a little neighborhood church. You got to have a posse. 540 00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:22,320 Speaker 1: You can't be out here on your own as a woman. 541 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:27,120 Speaker 1: I agree, I just I don't think I found my 542 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:32,439 Speaker 1: type of tribe yet. I had friends that I've known 543 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:35,879 Speaker 1: since college or high school, and I even have two 544 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,320 Speaker 1: male best friends, but you know, I'm in a different 545 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:44,560 Speaker 1: area of life, and I can't expect my single friends 546 00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:50,720 Speaker 1: to understand my marital issues. And I can't expect my aunt, 547 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:55,520 Speaker 1: who has a completely different outlook on life, to be 548 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:59,640 Speaker 1: able to why who advised your mind? And I can't 549 00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,960 Speaker 1: expect my male counterparts to, you know, help through the 550 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,120 Speaker 1: mental thumb. So I hear you, I hear you. I 551 00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:09,080 Speaker 1: need to find my people. I think you have your people, 552 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:12,640 Speaker 1: but you judge them. Let me tell you something. One 553 00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:16,839 Speaker 1: of the greatest gifts that a woman can have in 554 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:22,080 Speaker 1: her life is an elder woman, a midwife. And you 555 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,560 Speaker 1: all don't have to be on the same page, playing 556 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:28,239 Speaker 1: on the same team, reading from the same book. But 557 00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:33,439 Speaker 1: in the annoying rambling that she's going to pour on you, 558 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:38,440 Speaker 1: there's nuggets of wisdom. And chances are you don't want 559 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:41,399 Speaker 1: to hear what she has to say. But I would 560 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:45,080 Speaker 1: be listening with my ears, my toes, my eyes because 561 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:48,520 Speaker 1: through that I filter it out and I'm gonna get 562 00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:52,120 Speaker 1: what I need. Elder women, you know, and I speak 563 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,160 Speaker 1: as one myself. We can be a pain in the 564 00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:59,000 Speaker 1: butt because we see it and we think it and 565 00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:02,879 Speaker 1: you know, as long as it's not condemning and judgmental, 566 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:12,279 Speaker 1: taken in and comb through the all that's coming for 567 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,200 Speaker 1: you For that one little nugget, I promise you she 568 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,600 Speaker 1: has things to say that will help you. But you 569 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,160 Speaker 1: don't want to hear her condemn your husband, call you stupid, 570 00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:24,279 Speaker 1: tell you what a mess you've made, what you need 571 00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:26,319 Speaker 1: to do, and blah blah blah blah blah. You don't 572 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:33,560 Speaker 1: want to hear that. Yeah, but you did. And all 573 00:41:33,600 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: you ever have to say to her was, Okay, how 574 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:40,239 Speaker 1: do I fix this? Because elder women love to tell 575 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:43,800 Speaker 1: you how to fix stuff. Yeah, and your single friends 576 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:48,520 Speaker 1: they have a wisdom too, And you're not just going 577 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:52,400 Speaker 1: to them to talk about your narrative problems. You need support. 578 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,720 Speaker 1: How many of them single friends can take the baby 579 00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:56,719 Speaker 1: for a day, But any of them be willing to 580 00:41:56,719 --> 00:42:01,360 Speaker 1: do that? Have you ever asked? Honestly, I've never met 581 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:05,719 Speaker 1: my daughter in person yet? Oh this is a problem. Okay, 582 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:11,600 Speaker 1: I'm not going no further with you. You got friends 583 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:14,959 Speaker 1: that they've seen your two year old child. Okay, let's 584 00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:21,920 Speaker 1: go back prioritize. Yeah, spiritual practice, exercise, rest, diet, and 585 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:25,040 Speaker 1: a little bit of happy each day. What makes you 586 00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:28,000 Speaker 1: happy a little bit each day. I don't care what 587 00:42:28,040 --> 00:42:30,960 Speaker 1: it is. For me, it's Law and Order, two episodes, 588 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:34,160 Speaker 1: and I'm good to go, even though I've seen those 589 00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:39,160 Speaker 1: two episodes fifty six signs. You've made it a little 590 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,880 Speaker 1: difficult for yourself, but I think that's because of the 591 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:45,759 Speaker 1: instability in your childhood. You've made it real hard. But 592 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:48,600 Speaker 1: I went to law school with three children. You got two, 593 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:51,680 Speaker 1: so you a step ahead of me. And I went 594 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,720 Speaker 1: to law school when I was thirty three years old. 595 00:42:55,960 --> 00:43:03,120 Speaker 1: So it's all doable. You just have to prioritize. Okay, yes, man, 596 00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:07,080 Speaker 1: thank you so much, thank you for calling. Get on 597 00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:10,080 Speaker 1: those priorities and go to wherever you shop and get 598 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:13,399 Speaker 1: that book. Get that book, and I want to talk 599 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:20,000 Speaker 1: to you after you've had the baby. Okay, yes, alrighty 600 00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:27,319 Speaker 1: bye bye. How do we fix a mess? How do 601 00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:32,160 Speaker 1: we fix a mess? Sometimes we make a mess of 602 00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:36,160 Speaker 1: our lives because we don't deal with the mess and 603 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:43,360 Speaker 1: our relationships, and sometimes we find ourselves in a mess 604 00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:47,040 Speaker 1: of our own making. But that's hard to look at. 605 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:53,680 Speaker 1: So what we do is we hypnotize ourselves by looking 606 00:43:53,719 --> 00:43:57,319 Speaker 1: at any and everything else other than the mess. We 607 00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:01,560 Speaker 1: are in and in doing that we mess ourselves out. 608 00:44:03,239 --> 00:44:07,920 Speaker 1: How do we fix a mess, Well, the first thing 609 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:10,960 Speaker 1: you have to do is you have to acknowledge that 610 00:44:11,080 --> 00:44:15,840 Speaker 1: the mess exists. If you don't acknowledge that the mess exists, 611 00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,280 Speaker 1: you're going to be spinning your wheels in the mud, 612 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:23,360 Speaker 1: making an even bigger mess. Once you acknowledge that the 613 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:28,799 Speaker 1: mess exists, then you have to prioritize. You have to 614 00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:33,839 Speaker 1: prioritize what you can do based on what is available 615 00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:38,839 Speaker 1: to you, so that you can grow the strength required 616 00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:41,520 Speaker 1: to look at the whole mess. I tell your mess 617 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:44,840 Speaker 1: is something, and when you've got a mess, you gotta 618 00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:48,040 Speaker 1: have priorities. And that's what I talk to my caller 619 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:57,160 Speaker 1: about today, priorities of a mess. Sometimes we're sitting in 620 00:44:57,239 --> 00:45:06,360 Speaker 1: a mass that looks so big and that feels so heavy, 621 00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:12,320 Speaker 1: we're not really sure where to begin. In those situations, 622 00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:20,520 Speaker 1: what I always recommend is vote for you first. No 623 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:24,239 Speaker 1: matter how big the mess is, no matter how much 624 00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:27,839 Speaker 1: is going on, no matter how many people are involved. 625 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:31,440 Speaker 1: You gotta take care of you. And you may not 626 00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,640 Speaker 1: be able to take a trip around the world or 627 00:45:34,960 --> 00:45:37,759 Speaker 1: buy yourself a fur coat or a new convertible car. 628 00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:41,759 Speaker 1: But there are simple things that you can do, like 629 00:45:41,880 --> 00:45:47,719 Speaker 1: a bath, a long hot soa bad where you're just 630 00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:52,520 Speaker 1: crying the tub, or listen to music, play with yourself, 631 00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:59,400 Speaker 1: do whatever is required in a moment. A walk. I 632 00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:02,960 Speaker 1: remember when I had big mess in my life, I 633 00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:06,520 Speaker 1: used to do a two am walk with God. I 634 00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,319 Speaker 1: don't care what time I went to bed. I would 635 00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:12,200 Speaker 1: get up at two am and I would just go 636 00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:16,640 Speaker 1: out and walk around my area, around my block. I 637 00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:19,319 Speaker 1: was fortunate that I had a lot of land, so 638 00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:21,880 Speaker 1: I could walk my land, and I used to talk 639 00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:27,000 Speaker 1: out loud and fuss and weep and laugh and tell jokes. 640 00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:30,520 Speaker 1: Two am walk with God, simple didn't cost me anything. 641 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:34,200 Speaker 1: Eating when you got a mess in your life, don't 642 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:39,279 Speaker 1: eat mess. Don't eat mess, don't eat it mentally, don't 643 00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:43,680 Speaker 1: eat it emotionally, and don't eat it spiritually. What you 644 00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:47,399 Speaker 1: feed your mind, your heart, and your spirit when you're 645 00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:53,359 Speaker 1: in a mess is absolutely essential. Yes, each of vegetables. Yes, 646 00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:56,960 Speaker 1: drink plenty of water. But also be mindful of what 647 00:46:57,040 --> 00:47:00,600 Speaker 1: you're watching, if you're watching television, what you're looking at, 648 00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:04,120 Speaker 1: if you're on the computer, what you're reading, who you're 649 00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:07,880 Speaker 1: talking to. Because in the middle of the mess. He 650 00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:11,320 Speaker 1: gotta take care of you. I hope that my caller 651 00:47:11,440 --> 00:47:19,520 Speaker 1: today really acknowledges herself for the courage that she has 652 00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:21,879 Speaker 1: that's going to move her through this mess. But my 653 00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:25,480 Speaker 1: real prayer for her is that on the other side, 654 00:47:25,920 --> 00:47:30,360 Speaker 1: she's willing to take ownership of how she created it. 655 00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:34,319 Speaker 1: That's where the real healing will unfold. I hope this 656 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,640 Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a 657 00:47:36,719 --> 00:47:41,480 Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can 658 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:45,200 Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven 659 00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:48,200 Speaker 1: seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me 660 00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:51,680 Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and 661 00:47:51,840 --> 00:48:01,239 Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R 662 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:06,320 Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 663 00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:11,760 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 664 00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:16,360 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.