WEBVTT - Lauren London: Moving Through Grief and Finding Self Acceptance 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:04.680 Nip's death erupted all of the childhood trauma. 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:10.360 I've never really have function and self love. 0:00:11.240 --> 0:00:15.320 I've never really functioned in self acceptance. This is my 0:00:15.520 --> 0:00:20.799 time to learn what that is. I need to really 0:00:21.120 --> 0:00:24.479 know what it feels like to be in sovereignty with me. 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:28.200 Lauren London is an American actress known for her roles 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:32.599 in films and television shows, including atl This, Christmas Baggage, 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:34.240 Claim You People, and more. 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:36.640 That's like if I have to say I'm not that 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:39.839 person anymore. I'm trying to, you know, fit myself in 0:00:39.880 --> 0:00:41.680 this box. I need you to see me in when 0:00:41.720 --> 0:00:44.000 I can just be and if you catch it, you do, 0:00:44.040 --> 0:00:46.400 and if you don't, you don't. We live in this 0:00:46.600 --> 0:00:49.720 world where social media allows you to just judge all 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:53.479 death with everything, though everyone is on their journey in 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:55.880 the way that they have agreed with God to be 0:00:56.000 --> 0:00:56.280 on it. 0:00:56.480 --> 0:00:57.800 How am I to judge that? 0:00:58.520 --> 0:00:59.720 Who am I to judge that? 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:04.840 I'm Ralei Dablukiah. And on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:08.760 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:12.600 for raw and filtered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:16.759 you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Okay, 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:18.120 first all, thank you so much for doing this. 0:01:18.520 --> 0:01:19.120 Thank you. 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:21.480 You are so busy all the time, and I know 0:01:21.480 --> 0:01:23.840 you're a homebody and so I appreciate you coming on 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:24.440 and doing this. 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:25.360 Oh, thank you. 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:27.440 But the reason I wanted to do this is because 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:32.360 I feel like through our conversations, I honestly have learned 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:36.440 so much from you, been so reflective after speaking to you, 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:40.480 oh wow, and just felt like you yourself have gone 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:43.440 through such an incredible journey that would help so many 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:48.080 people to help themselves but also help other people who 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:50.840 have gone through similar things. And so I'm really excited 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:51.440 to have you on. 0:01:51.840 --> 0:01:52.840 I'm happy to be here. 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:55.680 But one thing I realized when I was thinking about 0:01:55.680 --> 0:01:57.800 this was I don't know so much about you pre 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:01.840 us meeting. Yeah, what about you? I get glimpses of it. Yeah, 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:04.360 well you told me about past versions of yourself. Yeah, 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:06.040 but I feel like I don't know you. So one 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:07.840 of the questions that I want to start with is 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:11.280 how did you get into acting? Like, what was your journey? 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:16.360 Take? What was that journey I was I started off 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:18.240 in music videos. 0:02:19.600 --> 0:02:21.960 I was a production assistant. 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:25.000 Actually I was a PA for a music video and 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:29.799 commercial production office. And then I was then Paul Hunter's 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:33.880 assistant who directed commercials and music videos. So I was 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:38.120 in a lot of his videos and one or two commercials. 0:02:38.440 --> 0:02:42.120 And then I got let go from the job because 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:48.040 I wasn't a really great assistant. And I realized that 0:02:48.960 --> 0:02:51.080 my mom really gave me like an ultimate like, you know, 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:52.560 you have to figure out what you want to do 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:54.560 with your life, and if you really did want to act, 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:56.040 you need to get serious about it. 0:02:56.160 --> 0:02:56.919 What age was this? 0:02:57.639 --> 0:02:58.119 Eighteen? 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:03.800 Okay, eighteen, I would say, And so I started taking 0:03:03.840 --> 0:03:06.480 acting classes like that was like the first thing to 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:08.760 do was to just stance class. 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:10.079 And so I was in class like. 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:14.400 Wednesdays and Fridays from like six pm to midnight, like 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:19.440 closed in classes. And then actually one of the guys 0:03:19.480 --> 0:03:22.240 that I worked with at the production office was Chris 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:26.720 Robinson's assistant. His name is Carl, and I found out 0:03:26.760 --> 0:03:30.639 that Chris Robinson was directing a movie that was going 0:03:30.760 --> 0:03:33.600 to in turn be atl and so I was like, Carl, 0:03:33.639 --> 0:03:35.119 you have to give me an audition. I've been doing 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:39.120 acting classes like please please please, long story short, They 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:42.040 got me an audition. It took like four hours to 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:43.920 get to the audition because my car stopped on the 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:48.000 way there. It was just like a tragic, horrifying it 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:51.080 was a movie itself. And so then auditioned for ATL, 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:56.640 did a screen test. The casting director on ATL gave 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.960 me set up meetings for me to get an agent, 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:03.800 and then after I just was working. After that, was. 0:04:03.720 --> 0:04:05.440 That what you always wanted to do? Like when you 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:08.160 were younger, what was your dream of what you wanted 0:04:08.160 --> 0:04:08.720 to grow up to do? 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:12.480 When I look back, I always wanted to act. I 0:04:12.520 --> 0:04:16.200 think that was also a means of like escaping reality 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:20.680 and being someone else and you know, pouring your emotions 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:24.080 into something else, but like it not being forefronting you. 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:26.640 So I feel like when I was younger, I've always 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:28.680 wanted to do it. I don't remember wanting to do 0:04:28.720 --> 0:04:29.400 anything else. 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:33.400 Yeah, okay, wait, so eighteen years old, if I knew 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:35.880 you then, or if no, not knowing you, then, how 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:38.320 would you or your friends describe you at that age? 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:41.919 I want to know A ticking time bind I was 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:45.640 really now that I'm like in therapy and like can 0:04:45.800 --> 0:04:51.480 actually have like a educated view on and compassion on 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:53.360 like what I was going through at the time. I 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:56.840 was like really a ticking time mom. But I was 0:04:56.920 --> 0:05:01.240 also very I was still much, very much a homebody, 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:02.839 still very private. 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:04.400 I've always been really private. 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:09.240 I feel like I've always been to myself, like my 0:05:09.240 --> 0:05:13.280 core group of friends, but definitely spicier than what I 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:19.040 am now. I was sassy, hand on my hip, don't 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:22.480 mess with me, you know, if you're trying to check temperature, 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:24.080 this water is hot, like. 0:05:24.080 --> 0:05:25.880 I was giving that energy. 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:28.880 But pretty much the essence of me has been the 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:34.039 same as far as just like privacy to myself, chill, 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:37.320 but then I was definitely a little bit more fire. 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:40.280 And as you grew up, did you find that you 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:43.200 were able to keep the friends that were in that 0:05:43.240 --> 0:05:47.000 phase of life with you? Or as you changed and evolved, 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:51.520 did your friendship groups change? How did you manage that? 0:05:51.560 --> 0:05:53.760 Because I find that that's something that I struggled with 0:05:53.839 --> 0:05:57.760 when I was growing and changing. That I was one 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.720 person when I was eighteen, and even though that person 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:02.560 might have been okay in some ways, I wanted to 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:05.240 adapt and grow and change in so many ways, but 0:06:05.560 --> 0:06:08.839 it was a big change and shift for me that 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:11.359 what I then wanted to end up doing wasn't necessarily 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:13.640 what my friends wanted to do. And so I think 0:06:13.640 --> 0:06:16.280 a lot of people go through that where they shed themselves, 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:17.880 but then it's hard to know whether they have to 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:19.560 shed the people around them too. 0:06:19.920 --> 0:06:23.160 I feel like I went through that later on, Like 0:06:23.200 --> 0:06:28.839 I feel like that feels more relatable recently than it 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:30.880 did when I was younger. I think, you know, when 0:06:30.920 --> 0:06:34.800 I was younger, I maintained a lot of friendships and 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:39.520 I still do have, you know, those friends, but I now, 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:43.480 just in my own evolution, have opened up to newer 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:47.960 friend groups, people outside of what I find so relatable. 0:06:49.080 --> 0:06:50.960 I just am just more open to that. So I 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:54.320 feel like that phase and that lesson came later in. 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:56.480 Life, and that is difficult. 0:06:56.880 --> 0:07:00.800 I do feel like there's not enough conversation around like 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:02.359 friendship shifts. 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:04.960 Yeah, and what was the thing that shifted you? Like? 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:07.400 What do you remember a time where you had a 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:10.360 specific moment where you were like, I don't want to 0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:12.440 be like this anymore. Was that Was there something that 0:07:12.480 --> 0:07:14.920 made you feel that way about yourself or was it 0:07:15.040 --> 0:07:17.520 just over time as you grew up and went through 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:18.200 different things. 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:23.880 I think more recently, just how I had to make 0:07:24.040 --> 0:07:27.760 very big changes in my life. Life made some changes 0:07:27.760 --> 0:07:30.000 for me, and then I had to make the choice 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:33.280 to go a certain direction on just like energetically and 0:07:33.640 --> 0:07:36.160 certain conversations I didn't want to indulge in anymore, and 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:40.120 certain energies I didn't want to engage with anymore. And 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:45.240 so that creates isolation too, until you find a tribe 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:48.600 that is similar to what you really want to like, 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:53.000 engage with. Yeah, so yeah, that's more recently than anything. 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:57.040 Yeah, and do you find it quite easy to separate 0:07:57.040 --> 0:07:59.920 yourself from it now? Like how do you create those 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:04.960 boundaries between you and the person that people know you 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:10.760 as will still associate you with, versus the areas and 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:12.560 the path that you're choosing to take now. 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:15.120 Yeah, it's so funny. I was. I was joking with 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:18.080 one of my best friends last night, and I was like, girl, 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:20.120 you don't really know me anymore. But it was a joke. 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.600 But I was like, hmm, maybe there is some truth 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:24.440 to that. But I do feel like I feel like 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.120 if I have to say I'm not that person anymore, 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.280 that means I am still part of you know. It's 0:08:30.280 --> 0:08:33.000 like trying to force people to see this new version 0:08:33.040 --> 0:08:35.559 of me means that I have no compassion for that 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:39.160 past I'm just trying to, you know, fit myself in 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:40.959 this box. I need you to see me in when 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:43.280 I can just be and if you catch it, you do, 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:46.520 and if you don't, you don't. But I'm okay just 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:49.880 being me as I am right now, and also being 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:53.160 okay with the past versions of myself, not being so 0:08:53.320 --> 0:08:55.840 judgmental on them. I'm like, I'm not that girl anymore 0:08:56.559 --> 0:08:59.640 and just being more like, actually, that girl was so 0:08:59.679 --> 0:09:02.199 strong and she brought me to this point. 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:03.640 I love her so much. 0:09:03.720 --> 0:09:06.960 Thank you so much, you know, And so I just 0:09:07.000 --> 0:09:09.880 don't if someone doesn't see it how I see it, 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:12.480 or doesn't get it how I get in it, won't 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:14.920 see me how I see myself. Now, I'm just like, 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:18.600 that's just where you are. People can only perceive you 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:21.240 with how deep they see themselves. I think that's like 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:24.000 a saying, you know, like I can only see you 0:09:24.160 --> 0:09:26.240 and have so much compassion for you with how much 0:09:26.280 --> 0:09:29.120 compassion I have for myself and where I meet myself. 0:09:29.640 --> 0:09:31.920 That's so true. I love what you said about not 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:34.080 being able to like if you have to constantly tell 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:36.360 people that you're a certain way, it's you trying to 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:37.320 make yourself believe it. 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:38.199 Absolutely. 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:41.400 But I think I've always struggled with that, with having 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:44.280 other people's perception of me being something that it's not. 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:48.640 It's something that I find so hard to manage without 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:51.160 it taking over the way that I then see myself. 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:53.480 And but that's them, Yeah, that's at. 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:56.080 The level they've reached themselves, because I can even go 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:58.840 back to times where I wasn't so open to other 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:02.720 people changing or other people's evolution, and like, why she 0:10:02.800 --> 0:10:05.000 acting like that? It's because I wasn't theory yet. 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:07.640 Yeah, but it's such a good reflection point where, actually, 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:10.240 are you trying to prove it to them because you're 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:12.400 not quite there yet and you haven't made it to 0:10:12.440 --> 0:10:15.560 where you want to be? Or is it actually like 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:17.720 I see it more as a reflection point that wow, 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:19.800 whenever I'm trying to prove myself, who am I trying 0:10:19.800 --> 0:10:22.160 to prove it to me? Like, yeah, I'm trying to 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:23.000 prove it to my talent. 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:24.920 I used to tell my mom like, I'm grown, I'm ground, 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:25.360 I'm grown. 0:10:25.520 --> 0:10:27.320 I'm like, Okay, why do you have to keep saying 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:27.760 you're ground? 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:29.720 If you're ground, you're grown. Love is you don't have 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:31.600 to keep telling her that you know and I think 0:10:31.640 --> 0:10:33.880 my mom said that, like, Okay, why are you telling me? 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:39.239 Yeah, even rather Thanaswami, he talks about how true integrity 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:42.720 is when and true integrity and when you can actually 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:46.720 pierce and penetrate someone's heart with what you're saying is 0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:49.680 when your thoughts, your actions, and your words are all aligned. 0:10:50.200 --> 0:10:52.560 And then so you don't have to say, you don't 0:10:52.559 --> 0:10:54.920 have to tell people what to do. You just live 0:10:54.960 --> 0:10:57.120 it and you're being it, and you are fully that. 0:10:57.600 --> 0:10:59.480 And so I think about the people that I've been 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:02.000 affected by the most in life, and it's those people. 0:11:02.320 --> 0:11:04.600 They've never said do this or do that. It's like 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:07.920 I see their lives and I think, oh my God, 0:11:08.200 --> 0:11:12.200 like I want that peace. I want that contentment purely 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:16.600 through the way that they're living. And then exactly, you're 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:17.120 like hmmm. 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:20.440 And then I asked the questions like what's your practice, 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:23.640 what does that look like? Or like you know, yeah, exactly, 0:11:23.720 --> 0:11:24.600 So it's just being. 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:27.760 I feel like you've told me that you were before. 0:11:27.760 --> 0:11:30.160 You've told me that you always had a spiritual inclination 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:33.160 from when you were younger. Yes, do you feel like 0:11:33.320 --> 0:11:36.559 through the work that you've done with yourself, you've unpacked 0:11:36.600 --> 0:11:40.080 where that comes from or what that connection was for 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.440 you when you were younger, and could you share like 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:44.800 some of the practices that you still maintain now. 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:49.640 I always felt very connected to God early on, and 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:55.560 so as just time is evolving, I realized that a 0:11:55.600 --> 0:11:58.240 lot of it was like God's grace and love over me, 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:04.480 you know, just have this tenacity for service and you know, 0:12:04.679 --> 0:12:07.320 connection with the most high. I feel like that's like 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:09.800 God's grace really over my life. 0:12:10.360 --> 0:12:12.040 How did it show up for you when you were younger? 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:15.720 Just when I look back on my testimony just where 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:19.960 you know, things weren't going so well, but that I 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:22.679 was still intact and I was okay, did you. 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:24.640 Still feel God's presence through that time? 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:27.160 I look at it now and I do. I'm like, wow, 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:28.520 God was right there. 0:12:28.559 --> 0:12:31.120 I was actually really covered, you know, just to even 0:12:31.240 --> 0:12:35.959 have the still the love and the tenacity for God still, 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:39.680 you know, after everything, you know, we as people go through. 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.679 I think it's just a grace and gift, like thank 0:12:42.760 --> 0:12:46.840 You that I'm still here seeking your love and sitting 0:12:46.840 --> 0:12:49.920 in your presence, you know. Yeah. And I think just 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.320 as far as like I didn't have such a strong 0:12:52.360 --> 0:12:56.360 spiritual practice growing up, I realized I was very connected 0:12:56.400 --> 0:12:59.280 to like crystals. 0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:01.800 And very very curious, very cute all the stories you've 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:02.200 told me. 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:03.280 I was just like, what is this? 0:13:03.600 --> 0:13:05.400 You know? How did you know? Who was this? 0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:08.439 What did you tell me about this story? Was it 0:13:08.520 --> 0:13:10.040 Amma or something when you were younger? 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:10.480 Yes? 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.400 Who gave the sacred hugs? 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:17.760 My friend's mom medeas, Yeah, I stay in line for 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.040 hours for this mantra and this hug, and just like 0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:28.600 entertaining and experiencing other spiritual modalities and teachings and books. 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:31.480 I was always really curious about it, and still to 0:13:31.520 --> 0:13:33.480 this day that is a practice I still keep it. 0:13:34.160 --> 0:13:35.719 I think truth the truth. 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:38.080 Seeker would I will call myself a truth seeker, like 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:39.520 I really seek the truth. 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:43.679 I think I feel like true faith requires curiosity, Like 0:13:43.760 --> 0:13:46.320 if you're content, always think about this. If I was, 0:13:46.920 --> 0:13:49.600 I was born into a into a family with a 0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:53.880 specific religion, with a specific practice. But you can either 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:57.520 go through life and do things so mechanically, which is 0:13:57.520 --> 0:13:59.720 a lot of people when they grow up in faith 0:13:59.840 --> 0:14:03.439 or in a specific religion do, or you start to 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:05.719 become curious and realize it just because you're born to 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:07.880 a certain thing, or just because you've been told a 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:11.680 certain thing, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel the 0:14:11.760 --> 0:14:14.719 curiosity of other places that you can find peace, other 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.920 places that you can find contentment. And I, as part 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:19.920 of my culture, really struggled with that. I would think, oh, wow, 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:22.640 I have to just believe in what I believe in, 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:27.440 Otherwise I'm defying my culture. Otherwise I'm defying my religion. 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:30.000 At the time that I was feeling, and then when 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.880 I started reading Christian books and when I started reading 0:14:33.520 --> 0:14:38.320 Sufi prayers, and then You're like, wow, Actually, true faith 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:43.360 is understanding that you can learn from so many different places. 0:14:43.640 --> 0:14:46.280 And I feel that helps so much. That you put 0:14:46.280 --> 0:14:49.760 yourself into these positions which could be very uncomfortable or 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:56.120 unknown or unfamiliar, but you will really lean into them. 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:58.240 And I think that that's such a I think that 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:01.240 is the key to growth and the key to actually 0:15:01.720 --> 0:15:05.280 creating a deep rooted faith for yourself. I agree. 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:07.720 I mean, I even in India, I feel like my 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:09.240 relations travel to India together. 0:15:10.640 --> 0:15:13.560 It was so much fun, but it was also testing. 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:15.000 It was very testing. 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:17.440 And it's like, as much as you think you're humble, 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:20.160 and I'm humble, it's like India was like are you, 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.120 And it was a gentle humbling for me. 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:26.320 It's just unfamiliar, unfamiliar with familiar environment. 0:15:26.000 --> 0:15:28.480 And I'm a control you know, I'm working on not 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:31.200 being so having to be in so much control, which 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:35.720 is dealing with childhood trauma and adult trauma. You know, 0:15:35.760 --> 0:15:38.880 you kind of have the sense of needing to control things, 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:42.880 and so being out of control and having this trust 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:47.880 in a foreign country, away from everything that keeps you comfortable, 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:51.600 was a very gentle humbling for me. But I say 0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:55.600 I am adding that because I feel like my relationship 0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:58.600 with Jesus deepened in India. 0:15:58.960 --> 0:15:59.920 Isn't that so amazing? 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:03.320 That's beautiful My prayers, the songs in my head. 0:16:04.160 --> 0:16:05.680 It was beautiful. 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:10.080 Watching you pray on that trip. One brought taste to 0:16:10.080 --> 0:16:12.160 my eyes, but such happy tists because it made me 0:16:12.200 --> 0:16:14.800 realize how much more I wanted to connect through prayer, 0:16:15.480 --> 0:16:17.560 like we have different Like the way that I grew up, 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:19.280 there was prayer, but it was like you were taught 0:16:19.280 --> 0:16:23.080 the prayers to say, yeah, what to say to God, 0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:26.240 You were taught how to communicate with spirit. You were taught, 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:29.280 but the words aren't yours. And so I grew up 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:31.640 in a way where I didn't actually think what do 0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:34.200 I want to talk to God about? Like how do 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:35.920 I want to communicate? What do I want to say 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:38.080 on a daily basis? It was never something that I 0:16:38.160 --> 0:16:40.520 thought of. It wasn't like a sitting at the side 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:42.520 of my bed diar God moment. It was like, Okay, 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:44.400 in the morning, I wake up and I say these prayers, 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:47.280 and the afternoon I say these prayers. And so when 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:49.600 I got I honestly my eyes opened so much with 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:53.800 you and Jada watching the way that you communicate with 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:57.880 yourself and with God and the universe through prayer. And 0:16:57.960 --> 0:17:00.760 it was such a beautiful thing to witness that because 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:05.000 it's allowed me to deepen my practice through watching that. 0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:07.880 But I want to know, how do you, like, how 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:09.920 did you get into the practice of prayer and how 0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:13.040 do you because I think that's something that many people 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:15.000 struggle with, it's how do I talk to God? 0:17:15.560 --> 0:17:18.520 I still struggle with it too, Yes, I still very 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:21.080 much struggle with it. But prayer was introduced to me 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:23.000 very early on. I watched, you know, even though my 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:25.040 mom wasn't very religious, I watched Mom get on her 0:17:25.119 --> 0:17:29.440 knees every night and just be grateful but I also 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:34.359 have an aunt who is like a prayer warrior. I 0:17:34.359 --> 0:17:38.880 feel like she can shift mountains with prayer, and I've 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:43.560 witnessed things shift with her prayers. I've witnessed the power 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:47.399 of prayer physically through my aunt's prayers. I'm always like, 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:48.960 if it gets too rev I go to my auntie 0:17:48.960 --> 0:17:52.920 house and she gets to praying, and you know, and 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:58.399 then through Reverend Michael, who was like a godfather to me, 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:04.439 teachers about affirm like affirmative prayer in your like. So 0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:06.480 I used to think I had to get on my knees, 0:18:06.520 --> 0:18:09.280 I had to be like a special you know, this 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:12.480 special discipline. I realized it's just like I'm in constant 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:15.800 communication with God. I'm in constant like thank you. I'm 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:18.600 in constant like I'm afraid right here. Show me that 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:21.440 I'm okay, Show me that you love me. God, Please 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:23.560 remind me that you love me. Remind me of your 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:25.760 love over my life. Remind me of your plan over 0:18:25.800 --> 0:18:29.560 my life. I'm losing faith. I'm a real afraid right now, 0:18:29.640 --> 0:18:29.840 you know. 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:30.760 And that's it. 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.840 Sometimes Sometimes the prayer is just thank you so much 0:18:33.840 --> 0:18:36.280 for my breath, thank you so much for my protection today, 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:38.399 Thank you so much, the kids made at home, you know, 0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:43.200 and remember it's just the converse, the constant conversation. Yeah, 0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:45.720 the communion, you know what I mean. And I'm still 0:18:45.800 --> 0:18:49.200 learning to just be in more communication with God. I 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:52.280 feel like I can do so much better with all things. 0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:55.639 But I would like to you know, I'm like, what 0:18:56.119 --> 0:18:58.879 what is it that I would like for God to 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:01.399 feel about me? And I really like for got to 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:05.000 be pleased with you know, I'm not perfect, but I 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:07.520 would just like to please Yeah, you know God. 0:19:07.720 --> 0:19:10.160 No, that's really beautiful thinking about it as a not 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:14.879 just the daily practice that's ritualistic, but every moment, what 0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:15.920 is that communication? 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:18.560 Your breath is a prayer. Yeah, your breath is a 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:21.359 prayer like thank you, thank you exactly. 0:19:21.600 --> 0:19:24.000 And every moment it's like, rather than thinking about yourself 0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:27.960 or thinking to call someone, or you know, the habit 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:30.760 that we have of constantly wanting to we have a 0:19:30.880 --> 0:19:34.800 human human need to want to communicate with something or someone. 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:37.960 It's like, you want to be intimate and connected to something, 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:41.160 and we sometimes misplace that where it's like if you're 0:19:41.200 --> 0:19:43.760 in the car and you want to busy yourself, you'll 0:19:43.760 --> 0:19:47.240 call someone. We'll put on music, But why not just 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:49.880 have a conversation, why not have a moment of reflection 0:19:50.560 --> 0:19:54.480 or time to be grateful like every single moment. And 0:19:54.640 --> 0:19:56.679 the way gratitude is always so overused, We're like, just 0:19:56.720 --> 0:19:59.880 be grateful, but actually, how you just described it, It's like, no, 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:03.000 be grateful of every breath, like every moment. I'm so 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:05.760