Speaker 1: Nip's death erupted all of the childhood trauma.
Speaker 2: I've never really have function and self love.
Speaker 1: I've never really functioned in self acceptance. This is my
Speaker 1: time to learn what that is. I need to really
Speaker 1: know what it feels like to be in sovereignty with me.
Speaker 3: Lauren London is an American actress known for her roles
Speaker 3: in films and television shows, including atl This, Christmas Baggage,
Speaker 3: Claim You People, and more.
Speaker 1: That's like if I have to say I'm not that
Speaker 1: person anymore. I'm trying to, you know, fit myself in
Speaker 1: this box. I need you to see me in when
Speaker 1: I can just be and if you catch it, you do,
Speaker 1: and if you don't, you don't. We live in this
Speaker 1: world where social media allows you to just judge all
Speaker 1: death with everything, though everyone is on their journey in
Speaker 1: the way that they have agreed with God to be
Speaker 1: on it.
Speaker 2: How am I to judge that?
Speaker 1: Who am I to judge that?
Speaker 3: I'm Ralei Dablukiah. And on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
Speaker 3: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 3: for raw and filtered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow
Speaker 3: you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Okay,
Speaker 3: first all, thank you so much for doing this.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 3: You are so busy all the time, and I know
Speaker 3: you're a homebody and so I appreciate you coming on
Speaker 3: and doing this.
Speaker 1: Oh, thank you.
Speaker 3: But the reason I wanted to do this is because
Speaker 3: I feel like through our conversations, I honestly have learned
Speaker 3: so much from you, been so reflective after speaking to you,
Speaker 3: oh wow, and just felt like you yourself have gone
Speaker 3: through such an incredible journey that would help so many
Speaker 3: people to help themselves but also help other people who
Speaker 3: have gone through similar things. And so I'm really excited
Speaker 3: to have you on.
Speaker 2: I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 3: But one thing I realized when I was thinking about
Speaker 3: this was I don't know so much about you pre
Speaker 3: us meeting. Yeah, what about you? I get glimpses of it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: well you told me about past versions of yourself. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but I feel like I don't know you. So one
Speaker 3: of the questions that I want to start with is
Speaker 3: how did you get into acting? Like, what was your journey?
Speaker 1: Take? What was that journey I was I started off
Speaker 1: in music videos.
Speaker 2: I was a production assistant.
Speaker 1: Actually I was a PA for a music video and
Speaker 1: commercial production office. And then I was then Paul Hunter's
Speaker 1: assistant who directed commercials and music videos. So I was
Speaker 1: in a lot of his videos and one or two commercials.
Speaker 1: And then I got let go from the job because
Speaker 1: I wasn't a really great assistant. And I realized that
Speaker 1: my mom really gave me like an ultimate like, you know,
Speaker 1: you have to figure out what you want to do
Speaker 1: with your life, and if you really did want to act,
Speaker 1: you need to get serious about it.
Speaker 3: What age was this?
Speaker 2: Eighteen?
Speaker 1: Okay, eighteen, I would say, And so I started taking
Speaker 1: acting classes like that was like the first thing to
Speaker 1: do was to just stance class.
Speaker 2: And so I was in class like.
Speaker 1: Wednesdays and Fridays from like six pm to midnight, like
Speaker 1: closed in classes. And then actually one of the guys
Speaker 1: that I worked with at the production office was Chris
Speaker 1: Robinson's assistant. His name is Carl, and I found out
Speaker 1: that Chris Robinson was directing a movie that was going
Speaker 1: to in turn be atl and so I was like, Carl,
Speaker 1: you have to give me an audition. I've been doing
Speaker 1: acting classes like please please please, long story short, They
Speaker 1: got me an audition. It took like four hours to
Speaker 1: get to the audition because my car stopped on the
Speaker 1: way there. It was just like a tragic, horrifying it
Speaker 1: was a movie itself. And so then auditioned for ATL,
Speaker 1: did a screen test. The casting director on ATL gave
Speaker 1: me set up meetings for me to get an agent,
Speaker 1: and then after I just was working. After that, was.
Speaker 3: That what you always wanted to do? Like when you
Speaker 3: were younger, what was your dream of what you wanted
Speaker 3: to grow up to do?
Speaker 1: When I look back, I always wanted to act. I
Speaker 1: think that was also a means of like escaping reality
Speaker 1: and being someone else and you know, pouring your emotions
Speaker 1: into something else, but like it not being forefronting you.
Speaker 1: So I feel like when I was younger, I've always
Speaker 1: wanted to do it. I don't remember wanting to do
Speaker 1: anything else.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, wait, so eighteen years old, if I knew
Speaker 3: you then, or if no, not knowing you, then, how
Speaker 3: would you or your friends describe you at that age?
Speaker 1: I want to know A ticking time bind I was
Speaker 1: really now that I'm like in therapy and like can
Speaker 1: actually have like a educated view on and compassion on
Speaker 1: like what I was going through at the time. I
Speaker 1: was like really a ticking time mom. But I was
Speaker 1: also very I was still much, very much a homebody,
Speaker 1: still very private.
Speaker 2: I've always been really private.
Speaker 1: I feel like I've always been to myself, like my
Speaker 1: core group of friends, but definitely spicier than what I
Speaker 1: am now. I was sassy, hand on my hip, don't
Speaker 1: mess with me, you know, if you're trying to check temperature,
Speaker 1: this water is hot, like.
Speaker 2: I was giving that energy.
Speaker 1: But pretty much the essence of me has been the
Speaker 1: same as far as just like privacy to myself, chill,
Speaker 1: but then I was definitely a little bit more fire.
Speaker 3: And as you grew up, did you find that you
Speaker 3: were able to keep the friends that were in that
Speaker 3: phase of life with you? Or as you changed and evolved,
Speaker 3: did your friendship groups change? How did you manage that?
Speaker 3: Because I find that that's something that I struggled with
Speaker 3: when I was growing and changing. That I was one
Speaker 3: person when I was eighteen, and even though that person
Speaker 3: might have been okay in some ways, I wanted to
Speaker 3: adapt and grow and change in so many ways, but
Speaker 3: it was a big change and shift for me that
Speaker 3: what I then wanted to end up doing wasn't necessarily
Speaker 3: what my friends wanted to do. And so I think
Speaker 3: a lot of people go through that where they shed themselves,
Speaker 3: but then it's hard to know whether they have to
Speaker 3: shed the people around them too.
Speaker 1: I feel like I went through that later on, Like
Speaker 1: I feel like that feels more relatable recently than it
Speaker 1: did when I was younger. I think, you know, when
Speaker 1: I was younger, I maintained a lot of friendships and
Speaker 1: I still do have, you know, those friends, but I now,
Speaker 1: just in my own evolution, have opened up to newer
Speaker 1: friend groups, people outside of what I find so relatable.
Speaker 1: I just am just more open to that. So I
Speaker 1: feel like that phase and that lesson came later in.
Speaker 2: Life, and that is difficult.
Speaker 1: I do feel like there's not enough conversation around like
Speaker 1: friendship shifts.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and what was the thing that shifted you? Like?
Speaker 3: What do you remember a time where you had a
Speaker 3: specific moment where you were like, I don't want to
Speaker 3: be like this anymore. Was that Was there something that
Speaker 3: made you feel that way about yourself or was it
Speaker 3: just over time as you grew up and went through
Speaker 3: different things.
Speaker 1: I think more recently, just how I had to make
Speaker 1: very big changes in my life. Life made some changes
Speaker 1: for me, and then I had to make the choice
Speaker 1: to go a certain direction on just like energetically and
Speaker 1: certain conversations I didn't want to indulge in anymore, and
Speaker 1: certain energies I didn't want to engage with anymore. And
Speaker 1: so that creates isolation too, until you find a tribe
Speaker 1: that is similar to what you really want to like,
Speaker 1: engage with. Yeah, so yeah, that's more recently than anything.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and do you find it quite easy to separate
Speaker 3: yourself from it now? Like how do you create those
Speaker 3: boundaries between you and the person that people know you
Speaker 3: as will still associate you with, versus the areas and
Speaker 3: the path that you're choosing to take now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny. I was. I was joking with
Speaker 1: one of my best friends last night, and I was like, girl,
Speaker 1: you don't really know me anymore. But it was a joke.
Speaker 1: But I was like, hmm, maybe there is some truth
Speaker 1: to that. But I do feel like I feel like
Speaker 1: if I have to say I'm not that person anymore,
Speaker 1: that means I am still part of you know. It's
Speaker 1: like trying to force people to see this new version
Speaker 1: of me means that I have no compassion for that
Speaker 1: past I'm just trying to, you know, fit myself in
Speaker 1: this box. I need you to see me in when
Speaker 1: I can just be and if you catch it, you do,
Speaker 1: and if you don't, you don't. But I'm okay just
Speaker 1: being me as I am right now, and also being
Speaker 1: okay with the past versions of myself, not being so
Speaker 1: judgmental on them. I'm like, I'm not that girl anymore
Speaker 1: and just being more like, actually, that girl was so
Speaker 1: strong and she brought me to this point.
Speaker 2: I love her so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, you know, And so I just
Speaker 1: don't if someone doesn't see it how I see it,
Speaker 1: or doesn't get it how I get in it, won't
Speaker 1: see me how I see myself. Now, I'm just like,
Speaker 1: that's just where you are. People can only perceive you
Speaker 1: with how deep they see themselves. I think that's like
Speaker 1: a saying, you know, like I can only see you
Speaker 1: and have so much compassion for you with how much
Speaker 1: compassion I have for myself and where I meet myself.
Speaker 3: That's so true. I love what you said about not
Speaker 3: being able to like if you have to constantly tell
Speaker 3: people that you're a certain way, it's you trying to
Speaker 3: make yourself believe it.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: But I think I've always struggled with that, with having
Speaker 3: other people's perception of me being something that it's not.
Speaker 3: It's something that I find so hard to manage without
Speaker 3: it taking over the way that I then see myself.
Speaker 3: And but that's them, Yeah, that's at.
Speaker 1: The level they've reached themselves, because I can even go
Speaker 1: back to times where I wasn't so open to other
Speaker 1: people changing or other people's evolution, and like, why she
Speaker 1: acting like that? It's because I wasn't theory yet.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but it's such a good reflection point where, actually,
Speaker 3: are you trying to prove it to them because you're
Speaker 3: not quite there yet and you haven't made it to
Speaker 3: where you want to be? Or is it actually like
Speaker 3: I see it more as a reflection point that wow,
Speaker 3: whenever I'm trying to prove myself, who am I trying
Speaker 3: to prove it to me? Like, yeah, I'm trying to
Speaker 3: prove it to my talent.
Speaker 1: I used to tell my mom like, I'm grown, I'm ground,
Speaker 1: I'm grown.
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, why do you have to keep saying
Speaker 2: you're ground?
Speaker 1: If you're ground, you're grown. Love is you don't have
Speaker 1: to keep telling her that you know and I think
Speaker 1: my mom said that, like, Okay, why are you telling me?
Speaker 3: Yeah, even rather Thanaswami, he talks about how true integrity
Speaker 3: is when and true integrity and when you can actually
Speaker 3: pierce and penetrate someone's heart with what you're saying is
Speaker 3: when your thoughts, your actions, and your words are all aligned.
Speaker 3: And then so you don't have to say, you don't
Speaker 3: have to tell people what to do. You just live
Speaker 3: it and you're being it, and you are fully that.
Speaker 3: And so I think about the people that I've been
Speaker 3: affected by the most in life, and it's those people.
Speaker 3: They've never said do this or do that. It's like
Speaker 3: I see their lives and I think, oh my God,
Speaker 3: like I want that peace. I want that contentment purely
Speaker 3: through the way that they're living. And then exactly, you're
Speaker 3: like hmmm.
Speaker 1: And then I asked the questions like what's your practice,
Speaker 1: what does that look like? Or like you know, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: So it's just being.
Speaker 3: I feel like you've told me that you were before.
Speaker 3: You've told me that you always had a spiritual inclination
Speaker 3: from when you were younger. Yes, do you feel like
Speaker 3: through the work that you've done with yourself, you've unpacked
Speaker 3: where that comes from or what that connection was for
Speaker 3: you when you were younger, and could you share like
Speaker 3: some of the practices that you still maintain now.
Speaker 1: I always felt very connected to God early on, and
Speaker 1: so as just time is evolving, I realized that a
Speaker 1: lot of it was like God's grace and love over me,
Speaker 1: you know, just have this tenacity for service and you know,
Speaker 1: connection with the most high. I feel like that's like
Speaker 1: God's grace really over my life.
Speaker 3: How did it show up for you when you were younger?
Speaker 1: Just when I look back on my testimony just where
Speaker 1: you know, things weren't going so well, but that I
Speaker 1: was still intact and I was okay, did you.
Speaker 3: Still feel God's presence through that time?
Speaker 2: I look at it now and I do. I'm like, wow,
Speaker 2: God was right there.
Speaker 1: I was actually really covered, you know, just to even
Speaker 1: have the still the love and the tenacity for God still,
Speaker 1: you know, after everything, you know, we as people go through.
Speaker 1: I think it's just a grace and gift, like thank
Speaker 1: You that I'm still here seeking your love and sitting
Speaker 1: in your presence, you know. Yeah. And I think just
Speaker 1: as far as like I didn't have such a strong
Speaker 1: spiritual practice growing up, I realized I was very connected
Speaker 1: to like crystals.
Speaker 3: And very very curious, very cute all the stories you've
Speaker 3: told me.
Speaker 2: I was just like, what is this?
Speaker 1: You know? How did you know? Who was this?
Speaker 3: What did you tell me about this story? Was it
Speaker 3: Amma or something when you were younger?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: Who gave the sacred hugs?
Speaker 1: My friend's mom medeas, Yeah, I stay in line for
Speaker 1: hours for this mantra and this hug, and just like
Speaker 1: entertaining and experiencing other spiritual modalities and teachings and books.
Speaker 1: I was always really curious about it, and still to
Speaker 1: this day that is a practice I still keep it.
Speaker 3: I think truth the truth.
Speaker 1: Seeker would I will call myself a truth seeker, like
Speaker 1: I really seek the truth.
Speaker 3: I think I feel like true faith requires curiosity, Like
Speaker 3: if you're content, always think about this. If I was,
Speaker 3: I was born into a into a family with a
Speaker 3: specific religion, with a specific practice. But you can either
Speaker 3: go through life and do things so mechanically, which is
Speaker 3: a lot of people when they grow up in faith
Speaker 3: or in a specific religion do, or you start to
Speaker 3: become curious and realize it just because you're born to
Speaker 3: a certain thing, or just because you've been told a
Speaker 3: certain thing, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel the
Speaker 3: curiosity of other places that you can find peace, other
Speaker 3: places that you can find contentment. And I, as part
Speaker 3: of my culture, really struggled with that. I would think, oh, wow,
Speaker 3: I have to just believe in what I believe in,
Speaker 3: Otherwise I'm defying my culture. Otherwise I'm defying my religion.
Speaker 3: At the time that I was feeling, and then when
Speaker 3: I started reading Christian books and when I started reading
Speaker 3: Sufi prayers, and then You're like, wow, Actually, true faith
Speaker 3: is understanding that you can learn from so many different places.
Speaker 3: And I feel that helps so much. That you put
Speaker 3: yourself into these positions which could be very uncomfortable or
Speaker 3: unknown or unfamiliar, but you will really lean into them.
Speaker 3: And I think that that's such a I think that
Speaker 3: is the key to growth and the key to actually
Speaker 3: creating a deep rooted faith for yourself. I agree.
Speaker 1: I mean, I even in India, I feel like my
Speaker 1: relations travel to India together.
Speaker 3: It was so much fun, but it was also testing.
Speaker 2: It was very testing.
Speaker 1: And it's like, as much as you think you're humble,
Speaker 1: and I'm humble, it's like India was like are you,
Speaker 1: And it was a gentle humbling for me.
Speaker 3: It's just unfamiliar, unfamiliar with familiar environment.
Speaker 1: And I'm a control you know, I'm working on not
Speaker 1: being so having to be in so much control, which
Speaker 1: is dealing with childhood trauma and adult trauma. You know,
Speaker 1: you kind of have the sense of needing to control things,
Speaker 1: and so being out of control and having this trust
Speaker 1: in a foreign country, away from everything that keeps you comfortable,
Speaker 1: was a very gentle humbling for me. But I say
Speaker 1: I am adding that because I feel like my relationship
Speaker 1: with Jesus deepened in India.
Speaker 3: Isn't that so amazing?
Speaker 1: That's beautiful My prayers, the songs in my head.
Speaker 2: It was beautiful.
Speaker 3: Watching you pray on that trip. One brought taste to
Speaker 3: my eyes, but such happy tists because it made me
Speaker 3: realize how much more I wanted to connect through prayer,
Speaker 3: like we have different Like the way that I grew up,
Speaker 3: there was prayer, but it was like you were taught
Speaker 3: the prayers to say, yeah, what to say to God,
Speaker 3: You were taught how to communicate with spirit. You were taught,
Speaker 3: but the words aren't yours. And so I grew up
Speaker 3: in a way where I didn't actually think what do
Speaker 3: I want to talk to God about? Like how do
Speaker 3: I want to communicate? What do I want to say
Speaker 3: on a daily basis? It was never something that I
Speaker 3: thought of. It wasn't like a sitting at the side
Speaker 3: of my bed diar God moment. It was like, Okay,
Speaker 3: in the morning, I wake up and I say these prayers,
Speaker 3: and the afternoon I say these prayers. And so when
Speaker 3: I got I honestly my eyes opened so much with
Speaker 3: you and Jada watching the way that you communicate with
Speaker 3: yourself and with God and the universe through prayer. And
Speaker 3: it was such a beautiful thing to witness that because
Speaker 3: it's allowed me to deepen my practice through watching that.
Speaker 3: But I want to know, how do you, like, how
Speaker 3: did you get into the practice of prayer and how
Speaker 3: do you because I think that's something that many people
Speaker 3: struggle with, it's how do I talk to God?
Speaker 1: I still struggle with it too, Yes, I still very
Speaker 1: much struggle with it. But prayer was introduced to me
Speaker 1: very early on. I watched, you know, even though my
Speaker 1: mom wasn't very religious, I watched Mom get on her
Speaker 1: knees every night and just be grateful but I also
Speaker 1: have an aunt who is like a prayer warrior. I
Speaker 1: feel like she can shift mountains with prayer, and I've
Speaker 1: witnessed things shift with her prayers. I've witnessed the power
Speaker 1: of prayer physically through my aunt's prayers. I'm always like,
Speaker 1: if it gets too rev I go to my auntie
Speaker 1: house and she gets to praying, and you know, and
Speaker 1: then through Reverend Michael, who was like a godfather to me,
Speaker 1: teachers about affirm like affirmative prayer in your like. So
Speaker 1: I used to think I had to get on my knees,
Speaker 1: I had to be like a special you know, this
Speaker 1: special discipline. I realized it's just like I'm in constant
Speaker 1: communication with God. I'm in constant like thank you. I'm
Speaker 1: in constant like I'm afraid right here. Show me that
Speaker 1: I'm okay, Show me that you love me. God, Please
Speaker 1: remind me that you love me. Remind me of your
Speaker 1: love over my life. Remind me of your plan over
Speaker 1: my life. I'm losing faith. I'm a real afraid right now,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: And that's it.
Speaker 1: Sometimes Sometimes the prayer is just thank you so much
Speaker 1: for my breath, thank you so much for my protection today,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, the kids made at home, you know,
Speaker 1: and remember it's just the converse, the constant conversation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: the communion, you know what I mean. And I'm still
Speaker 1: learning to just be in more communication with God. I
Speaker 1: feel like I can do so much better with all things.
Speaker 1: But I would like to you know, I'm like, what
Speaker 1: what is it that I would like for God to
Speaker 1: feel about me? And I really like for got to
Speaker 1: be pleased with you know, I'm not perfect, but I
Speaker 1: would just like to please Yeah, you know God.
Speaker 3: No, that's really beautiful thinking about it as a not
Speaker 3: just the daily practice that's ritualistic, but every moment, what
Speaker 3: is that communication?
Speaker 1: Your breath is a prayer. Yeah, your breath is a
Speaker 1: prayer like thank you, thank you exactly.
Speaker 3: And every moment it's like, rather than thinking about yourself
Speaker 3: or thinking to call someone, or you know, the habit
Speaker 3: that we have of constantly wanting to we have a
Speaker 3: human human need to want to communicate with something or someone.
Speaker 3: It's like, you want to be intimate and connected to something,
Speaker 3: and we sometimes misplace that where it's like if you're
Speaker 3: in the car and you want to busy yourself, you'll
Speaker 3: call someone. We'll put on music, But why not just
Speaker 3: have a conversation, why not have a moment of reflection
Speaker 3: or time to be grateful like every single moment. And
Speaker 3: the way gratitude is always so overused, We're like, just
Speaker 3: be grateful, but actually, how you just described it, It's like, no,
Speaker 3: be grateful of every breath, like every moment. I'm so
Speaker 3: grateful my kids came in every single day, Like that
Speaker 3: is something to be so grateful for.
Speaker 1: It's like, Wow, things that we take for granted that
Speaker 1: we just assume are just always going to just you know,
Speaker 1: be there. I'm just like, I know I'm not special,
Speaker 1: So thank you for your grace and your love and
Speaker 1: your covering you know you.
Speaker 3: Joannel, Yes, And we're just talking about that.
Speaker 1: And I never thought I was going to be a journalist.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I cannop, I'm turning into my mom And
Speaker 1: what was it that took you to journaling? And I
Speaker 1: struggle with.
Speaker 3: Janelin and I still do. Even if I have one
Speaker 3: of those the the you know books that come as
Speaker 3: journals where they give you prompts that sometimes doesn't.
Speaker 2: Those don't work for me. They don't work for me,
Speaker 2: don't work for me.
Speaker 1: I just have to have a notebook, and that turns
Speaker 1: the page in those lines.
Speaker 2: I just need a line notebook for me.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And is it free writing that you do?
Speaker 1: I free write anything that comes into your mind, everything
Speaker 1: that comes to mind, things that sound nuts. I just
Speaker 1: get it out because it's there. I need it out.
Speaker 1: And so I especially like things that aren't so positive
Speaker 1: that I don't want to exchange with someone else, I'll
Speaker 1: write it. I'll just write like everything I feel about it. Yeah, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I actually don't need to say it. I can rip
Speaker 1: this page up. I got this emotion out. And then
Speaker 1: sometimes I realize, like I don't need to say that,
Speaker 1: this is what.
Speaker 2: I'm really feeling. How am I really feeling?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? And then sometimes just like
Speaker 1: I journaled this morning, like in my and my free
Speaker 1: writing was really a prayer, I realized, because I was
Speaker 1: just asking God to just keep me clear and just
Speaker 1: allow me to be a channel that I don't want.
Speaker 1: You know, one of my biggest prayers is like, God,
Speaker 1: I don't want people to see me. Allow me to
Speaker 1: be a vessel, and it allowed your works to move through,
Speaker 1: you know. So Yeah, I just free write whatever. And
Speaker 1: sometimes I write I don't want to write today, I
Speaker 1: am over it? Why and like that's you know, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: everybody gets on my nerves, Like everything is just to
Speaker 1: get it out, and I feel like it's just self freeing.
Speaker 3: Is that's the only way that I've been able to
Speaker 3: use journaling regularly. And sometimes it's on my notes page
Speaker 3: on my phone and one of the aggressive stuff that
Speaker 3: goes into that notes page on my phone.
Speaker 1: It's so good, but it has to get it out.
Speaker 3: From communicating in negative ways.
Speaker 2: It stops you from response. It's a filter.
Speaker 1: It is a very needed filter for me because I
Speaker 1: was very I would be quick to go after handle
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, I didn't like how you just
Speaker 1: write about it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think we met. Was it a year after
Speaker 3: or maybe just after Nipsy past Or left? Was it
Speaker 3: a year maybe when you came secured them? I think
Speaker 3: it was in the year in the year, I think
Speaker 3: it was in the year and I realized, like from
Speaker 3: since then, which has been a good few years, I
Speaker 3: feel like I didn't know much about him before, but
Speaker 3: I feel like through you, I've come to love him
Speaker 3: and appreciate him so much because of how you speak
Speaker 3: about him and how you have you know channeled his
Speaker 3: energy through the things that you do. And I wanted
Speaker 3: to ask because I don't know this story, but maybe
Speaker 3: you've told it before. How did you NPS meet? Yeah? Also,
Speaker 3: do I call him Nipsey? You?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can hustle? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, how do we meet?
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I love I love these stories, So
Speaker 3: tell me.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, my memory is so whack these days,
Speaker 1: but I do remember how we met. We were Oh,
Speaker 1: I was on a set and at the time, he
Speaker 1: had dropped this Crenshaw mixtape that all the ladies on set,
Speaker 1: like the glam was like listening to, and I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, it'd be so dope if I.
Speaker 2: And they were all from LA. We were in Atlanta shooting.
Speaker 1: I was like, to be really cool if I like
Speaker 1: got him, got them his mixtape and all, like you know,
Speaker 1: the Crenshaw stuff. And so I had reached out to
Speaker 1: a friend of mine, Danny, like, hey, do you know Nip, Like,
Speaker 1: could you reach out and to see but I can
Speaker 1: get a discount on some and stuff because I'm kind
Speaker 1: of buying in bulk. He's like yeah, And so Nip
Speaker 1: never reached out. His manager then reached out to my
Speaker 1: friend and I didn't get the discount either, and so I.
Speaker 2: Was like, Okay, I guess he's that. I was like,
Speaker 2: I guess he's not trying to give me.
Speaker 1: It's fine, and so then I bought the stuff, gave
Speaker 1: the girls a wrap gifts, and then I ended up
Speaker 1: following him on I don't even remember what social you
Speaker 1: see my memory is, so.
Speaker 2: Maybe it was Twitter, or.
Speaker 1: At the time it was Twitter. I don't know, I
Speaker 1: remember Instagram.
Speaker 2: Maybe I started.
Speaker 1: Following him and then he DMed me like, hey.
Speaker 2: Thank you for this.
Speaker 1: Damn. He's like, thanks, thanks for this, sup poor appreciates
Speaker 1: you send me your sizes so I can send you
Speaker 1: a personal box. And then he gave me his number,
Speaker 1: and so then I text him because I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't do DM okay.
Speaker 3: But did you think it was really cute?
Speaker 1: Then I thought, yeah, I thought he was fine maybe
Speaker 1: even first of all, me following him was very I
Speaker 1: was like, he took the bait. No, yes, I thought
Speaker 1: he was I always thought he was very attractive. I
Speaker 1: actually had like friends that knew him that were like,
Speaker 1: I think you guys will get along, you know, years
Speaker 1: before that. But you know, I was just on my
Speaker 1: like single mom stuff. I wasn't really like, you know whatever.
Speaker 1: So I text him like, hey, this is a boogie.
Speaker 1: I don't really do the DM, but here are my sizes,
Speaker 1: here's the shipping address. And he sent back like a
Speaker 1: funny little thing and he's like, yeah, I know you
Speaker 1: from LA and told me what high school I went to,
Speaker 1: and so that is yeah, And.
Speaker 3: So that went on.
Speaker 1: That was like a five to eight hour conversation the
Speaker 1: first day. Yeah, and then that was it.
Speaker 3: How would you, obviously you guys were together for a while,
Speaker 3: how would you in a few sentences or have along
Speaker 3: describe what your love was like?
Speaker 2: Intentional, pure, and save.
Speaker 3: Those are beautiful words. Yeah, I definitely get that sense
Speaker 3: from me. Whenever you've spoken about him, what would you
Speaker 3: say that you learned most from him while he was
Speaker 3: alive and the difference between what you learned from him
Speaker 3: since he left? Because I feel like you've had such
Speaker 3: a it feels like you have such a strong connection
Speaker 3: to him even after he's not in this world.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And that's another thing that I honestly feel I have
Speaker 3: learnt so much from you, is how not to how
Speaker 3: not to stop life? And I theoretically I know, like
Speaker 3: in my mind. I know that the soul is forever
Speaker 3: like that is something I believe so deeply. But you're
Speaker 3: the first person I've seen truly put it into practice,
Speaker 3: like honestly, because I've not been I haven't been close
Speaker 3: enough to death within my close proximity, like all the
Speaker 3: people that I mean the most to me are still alive,
Speaker 3: or like I lost my granddad when I was really young,
Speaker 3: but I haven't felt that yet. And me and Jay
Speaker 3: talk about this a lot because it's something that I
Speaker 3: struggle with all the time I think about it. But
Speaker 3: you you'll be okay. Yeah, I know, I hope, I know,
Speaker 3: But you the way that you communicate it just has
Speaker 3: really helped me to process it in my mind. So
Speaker 3: my my crying. It's like talking about you. I cry
Speaker 3: every time I think about this. Yeah, I really appreciate
Speaker 3: the way that you are able to use him again,
Speaker 3: like be a vessel of what he was doing and
Speaker 3: still find joy in it. Like it makes me cry
Speaker 3: because it makes me so happy to see you do it. So, yeah,
Speaker 3: what did you What do you feel has shifted in
Speaker 3: what you learned from him while he was here versus now?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Who?
Speaker 1: So all the things he was saying to me made
Speaker 1: more sense after he left. Oh you know, he spoke
Speaker 1: a lot about like he I'm such like in my
Speaker 1: cave and a homebody that he was like, belive, the
Speaker 1: people really need to hear from you, like you have
Speaker 1: a lot, Like you have a.
Speaker 2: Lot of truth you should share.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, he saw me. He saw me. He
Speaker 2: saw me like my kids see me.
Speaker 1: You know. So it's more about like afterwards, all the
Speaker 1: things he said really and just like I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: my god, he was so that was so true. But
Speaker 1: when he was here, just the reliance on God. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, he really relied on God. He truly believed
Speaker 1: in himself. He really did not believe in you know,
Speaker 1: someone has the key to your destiny as much as
Speaker 1: you do, as much as you and your creator does,
Speaker 1: you know, and so and just all the city is
Speaker 1: something you can't buy. It's something you can't fake, it's
Speaker 1: something you cannot put on. It really has to be you.
Speaker 1: And I remember him telling me that. He was like, Boogie,
Speaker 1: you know, you're real authentic. That's something people can't buy.
Speaker 1: It's not for sale. You know, no matter how long
Speaker 1: it takes, you don't lose that. Yeah, and yeah, I
Speaker 1: constantly even I listened to like his music.
Speaker 2: Now I'm like, oh my god, Hustle hear it differently.
Speaker 2: I hear it differently.
Speaker 3: How was obviously every single person it's going to go
Speaker 3: through grief in their life, what was some of the lesson? Well, first,
Speaker 3: what was the process? Like, how did you go from
Speaker 3: I assume the hardest thing you've ever had to go
Speaker 3: through to being who you are? Now? Where you are
Speaker 3: such like a prize to people when you meet like you.
Speaker 2: You I still feel like a mess.
Speaker 1: That's the thing is, like, I still feel like a mess,
Speaker 1: and I guess I I have to ask my friends
Speaker 1: how far I've come because I still genuinely feel like
Speaker 1: I have not arrived anywhere.
Speaker 3: You don't carry heavy energy, you know when you feel.
Speaker 2: No God, I feel like I'm really heavy a lot.
Speaker 1: But again I have to counter that to just like
Speaker 1: the grace of God, because if it was up to me,
Speaker 1: I would be slow like sliding in here on my stomach,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: But you know, I also don't want.
Speaker 1: To take away from the work that I've done from
Speaker 1: then until now. So I don't want to do that
Speaker 1: because I'm good at doing that.
Speaker 3: Can you think of like key things that pushed you
Speaker 3: through from my kids are really big things.
Speaker 1: But also I was fortunate to have a lot of
Speaker 1: wise people around me. You know, my community was really strong.
Speaker 1: I had a lot of healers with me. I had,
Speaker 1: you know, I always say, Queen of Fua, Reverend Michael,
Speaker 1: and then God just placed people my life that can
Speaker 1: kind of just usher me in and teach me and
Speaker 1: guide me. I always say, the prayer of strangers have
Speaker 1: held me up. I swear I feel like the people's
Speaker 1: prayers have I can cry. I mean, I feel like
Speaker 1: the prayers of strangers have held me up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a can't remember who says it, but I say,
Speaker 3: you have no idea whose prayers are saving you, and.
Speaker 1: I swear it's the people. I swear people have been
Speaker 1: praying for me. And I feel it. Every time I
Speaker 1: run into anybody and they're like, I've been praying for you,
Speaker 1: I'm like, and I have felt it. Thank you. You
Speaker 1: know that's not just a blanket statement, you know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like my you know, my morning routine has
Speaker 1: really helped.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what does that consist of for you normally?
Speaker 1: Well, it's changing, it's changing, but it started off with
Speaker 1: a reading. It started off with prayer, meditation. I started
Speaker 1: meditating during grief. Meditation was not a practice of mine.
Speaker 3: What kind of meditation?
Speaker 1: Is it?
Speaker 3: Silent or.
Speaker 1: Guided?
Speaker 2: And then it turned into silent?
Speaker 1: Yeah, but mostly guided.
Speaker 3: And I know you've talked to me about shadow work.
Speaker 3: Explain to me because I feel like most people may
Speaker 3: not have heard of it. What is that? And how
Speaker 3: did that bring you or change? Like, how did that
Speaker 3: change you or help you to grow through greef?
Speaker 1: So I'm not you know, I'm not well versed on it,
Speaker 1: But what did it do for you?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What did it? Held me accountable? It helped me accountable
Speaker 1: to the spaces inside of me that we're ego driven,
Speaker 1: allowed me to be okay with my past past versions
Speaker 1: of me that I could look back on and judge
Speaker 1: and like want to hide from. But it just allowed
Speaker 1: that openness of like, actually, without this, you wouldn't have that,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? And then your past versions
Speaker 1: of yourself are just trying the best they can what
Speaker 1: they got, you know what I mean. But just holding
Speaker 1: myself accountable because I feel like accountability is the only
Speaker 1: way you can really move forward and actually shift and
Speaker 1: change and make healthier choices.
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, and so shadowy because when you.
Speaker 1: Sorry, it's just you know, yeah, I mean from my
Speaker 1: perspective again, there are people that are like very well
Speaker 1: versed in this and can really give you a rundown.
Speaker 1: And I am not an expert in any way. I'm
Speaker 1: just I'm just an experiencer. But it's just like looking
Speaker 1: in the spaces of yourself that again are ego driven,
Speaker 1: that you necessarily want to brush under a rug, ways
Speaker 1: that you act, thoughts that you have, ways that you
Speaker 1: ways you've affected others, that is just not necessarily your
Speaker 1: most you know, I don't want to say best all
Speaker 1: versions of you are great, but you know, like you
Speaker 1: could judge that part of you. And also just like
Speaker 1: the pain, the trauma, the sadness, the you know, things
Speaker 1: that we might call week that aren't really they kind
Speaker 1: of like usher you into because without the shadow, whereas
Speaker 1: the you know, the light is now more illuminated in
Speaker 1: the shadow.
Speaker 3: I feel like, yeah, I always find that whenever I
Speaker 3: notice that I have work to do in certain areas
Speaker 3: by how I look and judge other people. And so
Speaker 3: in my weeks where I notice myself, whether it's me
Speaker 3: talking negatively about someone in my mind, or whether it's
Speaker 3: seeing them in a different light or getting irritated at
Speaker 3: people for certain things. It's like every single thing that
Speaker 3: you actually get irritated with is so much a trigger
Speaker 3: about you. Absolutely, it's so much a reflection of you.
Speaker 3: And I think it's so much easier to point fingers
Speaker 3: at other people. It's so much easier to say it's
Speaker 3: them who's wrong, and so much easier to think that
Speaker 3: it's them, and you can go through your whole life. I
Speaker 3: went through so much of my life when I was younger,
Speaker 3: until I moved away from home and had to spend
Speaker 3: so much time by myself to actually think and see
Speaker 3: who I was because it was so covered up by me.
Speaker 1: Judgment Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah, And judgment is a big thing.
Speaker 1: I think that everyone you know, I feel like kind
Speaker 1: of you. And then we live in this world where
Speaker 1: social media allows you to just judge.
Speaker 3: A constantly, yeah, with every finger.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And that's sometimes to get off, like, I don't
Speaker 1: I'm sitting in judgment. I don't want to because everyone
Speaker 1: is on their journey in the way that they have
Speaker 1: agreed with God to be on it.
Speaker 2: How am I to judge?
Speaker 1: There? Who am I to judge there?
Speaker 3: Who am I?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: And yeah I think about that too. It's like someone's weeds.
Speaker 3: We all have weeds, but when other people's weeds look
Speaker 3: like a different breed or a different kind, or they
Speaker 3: flower differently or the same time, they smell differently. But
Speaker 3: you're like, oh, but my weeds are way better than
Speaker 3: those persons weeds, and they're for weeds and weeds we
Speaker 3: will have them.
Speaker 1: And it's like, I don't know what agreement you made
Speaker 1: with your soul's evolution. I don't you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And I'm a judge where you are with it? No,
Speaker 1: And I've learned like what goes around comes around. So
Speaker 1: the minute I'm sitting here judging on you, I'm going
Speaker 1: to experience the equal amount of that. You know, It's
Speaker 1: like a ripple effect, and I don't want to put
Speaker 1: those ripples in the water. No, I don't want those
Speaker 1: type of ripples to turn back.
Speaker 3: How did you get to a point? Because now I
Speaker 3: feel like whenever you talk about Nick, you are joking
Speaker 3: or you're like thinking of something that was really funny.
Speaker 3: How it's so nice to see that you can get
Speaker 3: to a place where you can do that but I
Speaker 3: also feel how do you constantly feel connected and channel
Speaker 3: Is it the same way that you connect to God
Speaker 3: when you end up kind of trying to do you
Speaker 3: still have conversations? Do you still try and communicate and
Speaker 3: have a connection to Him beyond obviously his physical presence here?
Speaker 3: But how did you get to a point of being
Speaker 3: able to just laugh and joke about it? Because I
Speaker 3: feel like most people that I've met, and I think
Speaker 3: it's maybe part of my culture, it's kind of kept
Speaker 3: very they don't like speaking about it for so many years.
Speaker 1: I think that's just in general. I think death is
Speaker 1: a yeah, as common as it is, it's really it's
Speaker 1: really hard.
Speaker 3: One thing that's sad, but the one thing we talk
Speaker 3: about the least because.
Speaker 1: It feels so final. I know, it feels so final,
Speaker 1: you know, in a way it is here right physically.
Speaker 1: I also feel like, once you know, Hustle passed, I
Speaker 1: was just like I got I'm just gonna be myself.
Speaker 2: It is just gonna be what it is.
Speaker 1: What the hell?
Speaker 2: What the hell just happened here?
Speaker 1: But I feel like when I am in in linement
Speaker 1: with God and with my higher self, then I'll have
Speaker 1: dreams about him or I'll see the signs, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, and that when I'm not when i'm
Speaker 1: not so aligned, I'm not able. It's like a fog.
Speaker 1: I'm not able to see the signs. I'm not able.
Speaker 1: And I think that's even like, you know, just in life.
Speaker 1: I think when you are just in alignment with God,
Speaker 1: you know, you just see the little miracles throughout the day,
Speaker 1: and you know, when we're not and we're having one
Speaker 1: of those moments and we're in those spaces, it's just
Speaker 1: a little bit more foggy and it's hard to see.
Speaker 1: So I would just attribute any signs I see in
Speaker 1: any type of clarity or you know, dreams or when
Speaker 1: I'm in alignment with myself, it makes sense.
Speaker 3: Like everything, you're allowing yourself to be a clean vessel
Speaker 3: to have those connections.
Speaker 2: I'm a witness to them.
Speaker 3: You know, you have two incredible children. Gosh, we love them.
Speaker 3: Across the bus and Cam the man. How doing how
Speaker 3: do you you've explained You've told me this before and
Speaker 3: I thought it was really lovely. How you managed to
Speaker 3: celebrate the difficult days that come with grief, how you
Speaker 3: celebrate them with your children? How you keep you know
Speaker 3: the legacy going, how you keep them feeling connected. Do
Speaker 3: you have anything to share that you would like to
Speaker 3: on those topics, because I feel like you've spoken to
Speaker 3: me about it and I really appreciated what you said
Speaker 3: about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, it's so different with both of them, because
Speaker 1: one fourteen the other one seven.
Speaker 2: So you know, I'm always just a space.
Speaker 1: I'm like a container for whatever emotion that they have,
Speaker 1: whether it's sadness or anger. I'm just like, it's okay
Speaker 1: to feel all these things. You know, I'm holding it
Speaker 1: for you. I feel you, I understand, I hear you. Yes,
Speaker 1: it's so hard, you know, but so you know, playing
Speaker 1: his music, write I'm always telling them to journal as well,
Speaker 1: like write them a letter, tell me how you feel,
Speaker 1: you know, and let's put it away. And you know,
Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, I teach my little one
Speaker 1: to and my eldest son knows is too, but to
Speaker 1: pay attention to the signs, oh there's a white butterfly,
Speaker 1: there's a humming bird, or you know, and really just
Speaker 1: expressing their feelings and just being a container and just
Speaker 1: always explaining to them that you know, no one ever
Speaker 1: really dies with your spirits and this big body container,
Speaker 1: and you.
Speaker 2: Know we will be we are together.
Speaker 1: We just can't see, you know what I mean, just
Speaker 1: kind of trying to explain it to them spiritually so
Speaker 1: that they have the language when they get older. But
Speaker 1: I just, you know, I think more importantly, I just
Speaker 1: am trying to hold space for them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because there's really nothing I can.
Speaker 1: Say or do as much as it is that I
Speaker 1: can just be the safe space for them for their emotions,
Speaker 1: and then I can create a space for them to
Speaker 1: connect and it's a communication.
Speaker 3: I feel like sometimes it's that feeling of not being
Speaker 3: able to express to that person what you want to say.
Speaker 3: We write it down exactly exactly. I think that's such
Speaker 3: a beautiful way to stay in touch with that. We
Speaker 3: were talking about India before and we went India together.
Speaker 3: But you know, India was a sign of how to
Speaker 3: embrace discomfort. And so when you went to India, I
Speaker 3: want to hear from you because I thought you didn't know,
Speaker 3: but you were incredible. We joke and laugh about that.
Speaker 2: Really incredible you really were.
Speaker 3: Everything was so everything was foreign, everything was unknown, but
Speaker 3: you got up every single morning at like three am.
Speaker 3: You participated and wanted to embrace everything. In your discomfort,
Speaker 3: like how in something, whether it's physical discomforts, like sometimes
Speaker 3: it was that what is your how do you make
Speaker 3: something that feels uncomfortable and convince yourself and to like
Speaker 3: make yourself go through it?
Speaker 1: What do you?
Speaker 3: What do you do? Because it's so easy to just
Speaker 3: show you could have been booking my flyer.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what I was like, you had to remind myself
Speaker 1: of the reason I came. Yeah, you know, And I
Speaker 1: had to remind myself like, Okay, you're taking cold showers, girl,
Speaker 1: you are not special, Like getting in the cod bat
Speaker 1: and figure it out.
Speaker 2: But outside of that.
Speaker 1: I realized that a lot of my in dealing with
Speaker 1: trauma and in dealing with having to be in spaces
Speaker 1: that I feel like I can control. That that was
Speaker 1: a really good exercise of letting go and not being
Speaker 1: in control. And I didn't have my you know, my
Speaker 1: comfort zones. I didn't have my friends that I can call.
Speaker 1: I couldn't go distract myself with television. Well, I couldn't
Speaker 1: get sparkling a ginger ad, you know things that and
Speaker 1: I didn't realize I was really dependent on a lot
Speaker 1: of things outside in myself for comfort. Yes, I am
Speaker 1: like depending on when I am uncomfortable. I had to
Speaker 1: remind myself. I actually had a conversation with a friend
Speaker 1: of mine and she was like, don't don't let you
Speaker 1: know yourself rob you of this experience.
Speaker 2: And I was like, I am operating in fear. I'm
Speaker 2: operating in fear.
Speaker 1: I'm okay, I'm safe, but I'm kind of like operating
Speaker 1: in fear because I'm out of my water and my
Speaker 1: comfort zone. And I didn't want that to rob me
Speaker 1: of my experience. And I just like, once I figured
Speaker 1: that out, I was like, and have this. And then
Speaker 1: I made it my own. You know, I think a
Speaker 1: lot of times when we are outside of our comfort zones,
Speaker 1: we feel like we just have to like conform, and
Speaker 1: so I just like, you know what, don't you just
Speaker 1: make it your own?
Speaker 2: And I made it my own. And I once I
Speaker 2: made it my own, I owned it.
Speaker 1: And it was it was lovely and it was a
Speaker 1: beautiful I tell it was like the most gentle humbling
Speaker 1: I've ever had, because you know, you can get humbled
Speaker 1: in some harsh ways. It was a beautiful, gentle humbling. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that jetlag slacked out in my face, but it was okay.
Speaker 1: I've never really have function and self love. I've never
Speaker 1: really function and self acceptance, and this is my time
Speaker 1: to learn what that is. You know. I need to
Speaker 1: learn who I am outside of my trauma from the
Speaker 1: childhood trauma then the you know, adult trauma. I need
Speaker 1: to really know what it feels like to be in
Speaker 1: like sovereignty with me. And that's the space that I'm
Speaker 1: in and I know that and I'm okay with that,
Speaker 1: and that's just is what it is. Yeah, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, and it is I've never been here before.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1: You know, It's like I don't really know self acceptance
Speaker 1: like that, and I would like to know that. I
Speaker 1: would like to see myself the way God intended me
Speaker 1: to see myself, not through the reflection of anyone else
Speaker 1: right now, you know what I mean, really just through
Speaker 1: the eyes of God, you know, like I really I
Speaker 1: didn't have that growing up. I had a lot of
Speaker 1: things I had to overcome. I've been in survival mode
Speaker 1: for many years before the tragedy, you know, and so
Speaker 1: I need to.
Speaker 2: I need to love Onlouren and just see.
Speaker 1: What that is.
Speaker 3: And I think feel like that's actually the in reality,
Speaker 3: the harder option, because the easier option would be to
Speaker 3: be like, I'm just going to throw myself into another relationship,
Speaker 3: but I'm going to throw myself into it. But actually
Speaker 3: doing what you're doing, I always feel like I wish
Speaker 3: we had that time or were taught to have that
Speaker 3: time before we get into relationships when we're younger.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's not one side.
Speaker 1: This is very personal to me, So I'm not like,
Speaker 1: this is not my suggestion for people. This is the
Speaker 1: space where I am building a deeper connection with God
Speaker 1: and myself, and so it's really this is just my
Speaker 1: and this feels so intentional and intuitively feels like the
Speaker 1: right thing to do, and I just will not go
Speaker 1: against it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I feel like you're in your power right now.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I feel very like finding safety in myself,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Like that's very important for me.
Speaker 1: It is.
Speaker 3: I feel like, so me and Lauren were invited to
Speaker 3: the same thing yesterday, decided not to come because she
Speaker 3: wanted to protect her energy and her time and also
Speaker 3: what she she knows what she's able to give in
Speaker 3: the right way. And I want to ask you with
Speaker 3: the industry that you've been in for such a long time.
Speaker 3: How have you manage is to separate the oh I
Speaker 3: feel like I should go to this and people pleasing
Speaker 3: and feeling like you have to stay relevant. You know,
Speaker 3: it's so difficult in from the small amount that I've
Speaker 3: seen of that industry to feel like you have to
Speaker 3: be places and have to be seen and you know,
Speaker 3: to make sure that people know that you still exist.
Speaker 3: And so how have you balanced wanting to have a
Speaker 3: life that you're having now while still doing the job
Speaker 3: that you love, which entells so much of this.
Speaker 1: So that's a battle, yeah, still, because I'm like when
Speaker 1: reality God has the final say, yeah, like it's really
Speaker 1: not in the hands of nobody, and that's just the truth.
Speaker 1: That's the truth. And so what I battle is the truth.
Speaker 1: And sometimes the truth looks like it's delayed, but it's
Speaker 1: not just right on time. And then like you know,
Speaker 1: the people in your circle, that's like you gotta be
Speaker 1: out so you're not that scene and no one is
Speaker 1: seeing you in Adisaia to mine And I'm like, at
Speaker 1: what price for me? Though? I feel like for me,
Speaker 1: it's not for everybody. Everybody, you know, it works for
Speaker 1: a lot of people. So I do balance that I
Speaker 1: balance that is it a lot of fear. Am I
Speaker 1: in fear or you know, is this my intuition? So
Speaker 1: I'm always trying to figure that out. But more recently
Speaker 1: I'm like, I've been out. It does not fulfill my
Speaker 1: soul in any way.
Speaker 3: What you have to do.
Speaker 2: I'm showing up for certain people that I really care for.
Speaker 1: Right but and then I'm like, okay, and I don't
Speaker 1: want to go out anymore. So yesterday I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to take my energy source.
Speaker 1: I didn't feel like I was able to do that
Speaker 1: and then come here today and be like honest and present.
Speaker 3: Yeah I chose, I.
Speaker 2: Chose, I chose us.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I feel like I still I find it
Speaker 1: hard to balance that because I do want to, you know,
Speaker 1: be with the people that I work with. I want
Speaker 1: to you know, I want to be accountable and I
Speaker 1: do you know, in a way you want to like
Speaker 1: be a good in good partnership. And I just then
Speaker 1: to make sure it's not my fear. A lot of
Speaker 1: times it's not my fear. Untilitally, I am very much
Speaker 1: intact and I'm like, I didn't have to go to that.
Speaker 3: But it's also hard because being an actor now involves
Speaker 3: so much other things, but you can't have it as
Speaker 3: your artistry and your profession. It kind of merges into
Speaker 3: so much other stuff as well, and so there's a
Speaker 3: lot more fluff added to That's.
Speaker 1: Why I cannot put my identity in my work.
Speaker 3: I know.
Speaker 1: That's why my identity is not in my work anymore.
Speaker 1: I feel like I used to be, like, I mean,
Speaker 1: can I need to get this job? And I know
Speaker 1: audition and I think now I'm just like again finding
Speaker 1: home within myself.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what was your favorite or like, what's the most
Speaker 3: exciting career goal that you've reached? Like, what was something
Speaker 3: that you were really excited that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, hmmm, I've really enjoyed designing capsules with Puma.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love you.
Speaker 1: I really do enjoy that. That's really really I really
Speaker 1: enjoy coming up with the creative with the photo shoots
Speaker 1: and picking the photographers and picking the looks and just
Speaker 1: being kind of like a creative director behind the scenes
Speaker 1: on that has been like the most I love. I
Speaker 1: realized how much I love that. I actually like being
Speaker 1: behind the scenes more than in front. Yeah, I would
Speaker 1: think that I would think just like the behind the
Speaker 1: scenes work and you know, I've been pitching these two
Speaker 1: ideas have nothing to do with really being in front
Speaker 1: of the and I really like that too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what you.
Speaker 3: Working on right now? That's exciting it? Or like what's
Speaker 3: to come? I feel like people always love knowing what's
Speaker 3: to come. I don't know.
Speaker 1: Someone asked me, like, what do you have coming up next?
Speaker 1: I was like, ask God, I don't really know. And
Speaker 1: that's another thing. People are like, what's coming up next?
Speaker 1: I don't know? How about we are gonna find out
Speaker 1: at the same time, like.
Speaker 2: I don't know how about nothing?
Speaker 3: Nothing?
Speaker 2: What if nothing is happening?
Speaker 3: I have been in that position. It's okay, Yeah, you
Speaker 3: know what. Since my book came out, I was saying
Speaker 3: to Jay, I kept going through these ups and downs
Speaker 3: of like I don't think I want to do this anymore. No,
Speaker 3: I just don't think I want to do I don't
Speaker 3: think I want to do this anymore. I don't think
Speaker 3: I want these things in my life anymore. And I
Speaker 3: think it's so normal. It's it needs to be more
Speaker 3: accepted to go through phases of the unknown of like
Speaker 3: I don't and I every time someone asked me that question,
Speaker 3: like I have no idea.
Speaker 2: It's so triggering it is socially.
Speaker 1: I feel like in what I do, it's like you
Speaker 1: finished a movie and then before you wrap the movie,
Speaker 1: people like, so what do you what's your next job? Like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be how about what if? Sometimes in life
Speaker 1: we are just able to be and with that, and yeah,
Speaker 1: take in what you just finished, because if I'm just like,
Speaker 1: I won't even be.
Speaker 2: I don't even know what I just did.
Speaker 1: I can't even integrate that in my life, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, And take the lesson from that. I'm
Speaker 1: just moving, moving, moving and using.
Speaker 3: A place of anxiety. Like I noticed that I was
Speaker 3: living in such a high of I had the adrenaline
Speaker 3: mixed with the anxiety of constantly doing one thing after another.
Speaker 3: And then when you come off that, you still have
Speaker 3: the anxiety, but you don't have the adrenaline. And then
Speaker 3: suddenly you're just in this constant spiral of just feeling
Speaker 3: so high strung and almost like you're doing things with
Speaker 3: zero intention. That's how I felt, and that's what drained me.
Speaker 2: And I don't want any train. Yeah it does.
Speaker 3: When you're doing anything with zero with no intention, I'm just.
Speaker 1: On the hamster wheel.
Speaker 2: Why am I doing that and you're just on the hamps.
Speaker 3: I was breaking. I was literally I was crying every
Speaker 3: other day. I was like, I have no idea why
Speaker 3: I'm doing this, Like I don't know why I'm doing
Speaker 3: why I'm doing it, And I had to just take
Speaker 3: I took a couple of weeks where I was like,
Speaker 3: it does not matter whether I do this, this, this,
Speaker 3: or this. I need to figure out what's happening within me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And you know what I realized too recently, I
Speaker 1: just had it. I was in a meeting in I
Speaker 1: was realizing in the middle of the meeting that the
Speaker 1: downloads that I might get from God might not be
Speaker 1: the same downloads that other people are getting, and they
Speaker 1: wouldn't get it if I said it anyway. So I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna let them run it and talk and follow
Speaker 1: my intuition.
Speaker 3: You said what you want to say. I don't even
Speaker 3: know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: You know what, you might not even just because your
Speaker 1: level of success is higher or you have this job
Speaker 1: that you can appear to know more than me. I
Speaker 1: don't know where you are in your spirit. I don't
Speaker 1: know how aligned you are, So I'm always curious to
Speaker 1: that like, where are we at in our soul?
Speaker 2: I don't really care about your title.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if that's soul laying in line, you can't tell
Speaker 1: me too much. I'm gonna follow this path, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. So I've been dealing with, you know,
Speaker 1: just handling business in that way too, Like I hear you,
Speaker 1: but that's not Yeah, that's not much. Then I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna trust my download because it's got me.
Speaker 2: That's far.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it really has. Thank you, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: I didn't cry, No, I did.
Speaker 1: You did?
Speaker 2: But do you cry every episode?
Speaker 3: No? I cry some episodes. Honest. He's always around the
Speaker 3: same topics.
Speaker 1: Got it.
Speaker 3: It's like me processing through having a conversation, got it.
Speaker 3: But he's on the same time. He didn't cry.
Speaker 2: No, No, I cried last week in therapy.
Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, yeah, I was going to ask when
Speaker 3: was the last time? Go ahead, No, when was the
Speaker 3: last time he cried? Last week in therapy? Yeah?
Speaker 2: And that cry came out of nowhere.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I can't believe I cried, right, Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: nice to embrace it. Yeah, I need to cry more.
Speaker 1: I went through his face where I cried so much.
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to run out of his tears.
Speaker 1: I was like, it's impossible to cry this much. I
Speaker 1: remember being like, I'm going to run out of tears,
Speaker 1: and then I was like, I am over crying. But
Speaker 1: then I also realized that all the tears you don't cry,
Speaker 1: they get stored up.
Speaker 2: They do you cry about them one day.
Speaker 3: Physical pain, physical energy, and stagnant energy.
Speaker 1: I know, I know. So it's to move, I know,
Speaker 1: and I have a very I struggle. My relationship with
Speaker 1: tears is a struggle. It's a struggle.
Speaker 3: Is there anything that you want to either say to
Speaker 3: people about what you've been through or want them to
Speaker 3: know about you that you that they probably wouldn't know,
Speaker 3: but you want them to.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's a really hard question. I'm overthinking it,
Speaker 1: but maybe I should it. Don't overthink it. I guess
Speaker 1: trust the message that God puts on your heart no
Speaker 1: matter what anyone says, you know, I feel like that's
Speaker 1: really important. And then something I would want people to
Speaker 1: know about me that they don't know. I'm trying, like.
Speaker 2: Y'all are just trying.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to y'all. I am trying to. I am
Speaker 1: with y'all, and we are all just trying that. I
Speaker 1: am not an expert. I'm just a reflection that what
Speaker 1: we are all trying to figure it out?
Speaker 3: Right, Okay, rapid fire questions. What are you reading right now?
Speaker 1: I am reading The Garden Within by doctor Anita.
Speaker 2: Oh that's a beautiful way, it's amazing.
Speaker 3: What is your favorite, well, like, your favorite self care
Speaker 3: ritual that you do right now as far as skincare, Yeah,
Speaker 3: or like anything like a self care ritual that's for
Speaker 3: your physical body that you do. Been planning massages once
Speaker 3: a month on a Monday. Yes, very important. It is
Speaker 3: so not if you have the ability. Like in I
Speaker 3: radio talks about how massage is just like drinking water,
Speaker 3: like to help detox your body. It is such a
Speaker 3: key part of health. So just like you work out
Speaker 3: and you eat good food, massage is like the next
Speaker 3: thing to really help your body to detox everything.
Speaker 1: No sit in and I don't care for Mondays. So
Speaker 1: if you do it on a Monday, yeah, a little
Speaker 1: bit easier.
Speaker 3: Favorite skincare product you're using right now.
Speaker 1: It's this moisturizer from Epi Logic.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I've heard that. Do you don't care?
Speaker 1: I love it?
Speaker 3: Okay, I've been recommended that.
Speaker 1: Yes, it's amazing.
Speaker 3: What do you use on your hair?
Speaker 2: Sacred fiance?
Speaker 1: Sacred? Okay? Do I need it?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: You do?
Speaker 2: Okay, it's amazing.
Speaker 3: Good it is.
Speaker 1: I'm not just saying it is really good, really absolutely,
Speaker 1: I'm actually almost out.
Speaker 3: We got it. Okay, amazing, good, great, great tips. Do
Speaker 3: you have anything that you Oh what is your your
Speaker 3: guilty pleasure when it comes to food?
Speaker 2: Oh, if I say this, the people are gonna judge me.
Speaker 3: No, no, tell me, no, tell me, tell me.
Speaker 1: Taco Bell chats horrible.
Speaker 2: People are gonna kill me.
Speaker 1: People don't kill We don't kill.
Speaker 3: We don't taco about. What's your order going? I know
Speaker 3: you know about heart. You don't even have to look
Speaker 3: at the menu.
Speaker 2: What is your order a Mexican people?
Speaker 3: Oh that yeah? Okay. I remember coming to Taco Bell
Speaker 3: when I first came to America to visit my cousins,
Speaker 3: and oh, we had Tacoboll every day. It was constantly
Speaker 3: like anything. Taco Bell need the vegetarians.
Speaker 1: So I cannot be I admitted there, but I will
Speaker 1: Chaco Bell and chuck e cheese.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, chuck e cheese. I haven't mental chuky
Speaker 2: cheese and years
Speaker 3: Okay, perfect yea, and the rapid Fire thanks so yeah.