Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.
Speaker 2: On this week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Lane Moore. So,
Speaker 2: she's an award winning writer, actor, comedian, musician. Her first book,
Speaker 2: How to Be Alone If You Want To and Even
Speaker 2: If You Don't, became an instant number one bestseller and
Speaker 2: was praise as one of the best books of the
Speaker 2: year by the New York Times. She's going to be
Speaker 2: coming on the show. She's got a new ebook out
Speaker 2: right now to talk about how to break the endless
Speaker 2: cycle of dating mistakes.
Speaker 3: Let's get her on. Hi. Hi everybody, Hi, how are
Speaker 3: you doing.
Speaker 1: I'm doing okay? How are you?
Speaker 3: I'm so good?
Speaker 1: Good, Okay.
Speaker 2: You had a book came out that was insanely successful,
Speaker 2: How to Be Alone, which I think is one of
Speaker 2: the hardest things to be is alone.
Speaker 3: I think that's why I.
Speaker 2: Continued to be in the most toxic of toxic relationships
Speaker 2: because it was better than being alone.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So, then when I got divorced for the time, I
Speaker 2: was like, Okay, there seems to be a pattern, and
Speaker 2: it seems to be me and I have a problem
Speaker 2: with being alone. And so when I was forced to
Speaker 2: be alone, the uncomfortability was weird at first, but then
Speaker 2: it became something that to this day, even though I'm
Speaker 2: happily engaged in getting married again, it's I'm I'm more comfortable,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, I like my alone time too, Like
Speaker 2: when he does travel, I don't get that anxious feeling
Speaker 2: like I used to. And I think a lot of
Speaker 2: times too with the girls. I was just talking to
Speaker 2: my best friends in Los Angeles and you know, she's like,
Speaker 2: I'm finally happy alone, and I'm like, that's when it's
Speaker 2: all going to click after that, because you're changing a
Speaker 2: part of like your patterns and behaviors, and you're not
Speaker 2: going to fall back into something bad because you just
Speaker 2: miss someone.
Speaker 3: So what do you think?
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously I want to talk about your new
Speaker 2: ebook and what you have out now, but I just
Speaker 2: think it's so important for people that struggle with that
Speaker 2: alone like be you know, being alone, Like how did
Speaker 2: you overcome it? And what do you think the best
Speaker 2: tips and tools for people to get through that season?
Speaker 1: Is? Yeah, absolutely. And it's so funny when you said
Speaker 1: you know you were always with somebody because it was
Speaker 1: better than being alone. I imagined that you used air
Speaker 1: quotes around better because it's absolutely not you know, being
Speaker 1: with anybody.
Speaker 2: First, Yeah, it's not miserable. How am I miserable? And like, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's all.
Speaker 1: Rul But we do tell specifically there is a gendered
Speaker 1: message also, like we especially tell women that it's better
Speaker 1: than being alone. We put these timelines on women. You
Speaker 1: better have a man choose you. By this age. God,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter who the man is. And you know,
Speaker 1: the men get all the power, they get to choose you.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, you've been chosen. You better go with him.
Speaker 1: It's so so dated and so strange, and so many
Speaker 1: of us have internalized it. I've internalized it. I'm sure
Speaker 1: you internalize it. It's hard not to. So. You know,
Speaker 1: when I wrote How to Be Alone, so much of
Speaker 1: why I wrote it was I didn't have I felt
Speaker 1: like there were all these messages about what I was
Speaker 1: supposed to have, what we're supposed to have. We're all
Speaker 1: supposed to have perfect families, which, by the way, you
Speaker 1: just get randomly assigned a family you actually don't like.
Speaker 1: If you have a great, if you come from a great, loving, wonderful,
Speaker 1: stable family, you don't like deserve that you randomly got
Speaker 1: like everybody deserves it, you know what I mean. But
Speaker 1: there's all these messages that if you don't get that,
Speaker 1: it's because you don't deserve it, something's wrong with you. You're unlovable,
Speaker 1: and you're going to internalize that even more. And because
Speaker 1: we don't talk about anybody who isn't lucky enough to
Speaker 1: get randomly assigned that, you know, which was I say?
Speaker 1: And I want to emphasize because so many of us
Speaker 1: feel like we did something wrong if we don't have
Speaker 1: this perfect, loving family, if we don't have these perfect,
Speaker 1: magical friends, if we don't have this perfect partner right away.
Speaker 1: And I had internalized that, and I was like, everywhere
Speaker 1: I look, everybody is posting all of these like best
Speaker 1: mom in the world, best dad in the world, best
Speaker 1: sister in the world. We're never separated, we've never had
Speaker 1: problems stuff on social media. I don't relate to that,
Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm the only one. And so
Speaker 1: so much of writing how to Be Alone and talking
Speaker 1: about these things was at the time I hadn't read
Speaker 1: anything or seen anything that reflected my story of experiencing
Speaker 1: that kind of like, well, where am I supposed to go?
Speaker 1: I don't have this foundation that everybody allegedly has and
Speaker 1: because of that, finding out that because of that, making
Speaker 1: friends was harder because if you don't have that foundation,
Speaker 1: everything is screwed. It's so hard, and you have to
Speaker 1: kind of go through all of these messages because that's
Speaker 1: really I just really learned that that's where it all started,
Speaker 1: was whatever messages that you got as a kid from
Speaker 1: your family, extended family, the people in your life that
Speaker 1: has molded your brain. And some people got very lucky,
Speaker 1: and they got so much self esteem and confidence and believe,
Speaker 1: you know, belief that they were worth everything, and so
Speaker 1: then they you know a lot of times then they
Speaker 1: only they didn't settle for anything less than everything. But
Speaker 1: the rest of us didn't do that, and we were
Speaker 1: set on this path or we had to uncover all
Speaker 1: this sticky stuff. So uh. And the beautiful thing about
Speaker 1: How to Be Alone was that when I submitted that
Speaker 1: book to my publisher, I was genuinely terrified because I'd
Speaker 1: never seen anybody talk about this really heavy stuff, and
Speaker 1: I was really worried people were going to be like,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal
Speaker 1: like us? And I still to this day, you know,
Speaker 1: the book's been out a while now, and I still
Speaker 1: to this day gets so many messages on Instagram from
Speaker 1: people who are like I thought I was the only one.
Speaker 1: I thought I was the only one who felt like this.
Speaker 1: I didn't know anybody else felt like this. It's like
Speaker 1: changed my life to realize other people can feel like this.
Speaker 1: So I think that's a big part of not feeling alone, really,
Speaker 1: I think is knowing there's other people who have walked
Speaker 1: similar paths, and when you feel like no one has
Speaker 1: walked your path, it's like extra alone. So part of
Speaker 1: why I wanted to write this was, yeah, share the
Speaker 1: things that I knew. And one of the biggest things
Speaker 1: that I talk about in the book is really realizing
Speaker 1: how much of what you're going through right now, the
Speaker 1: people that you're attracting, you know, through no conscious fault
Speaker 1: of our own, are really often based on those templates
Speaker 1: that we had when we were really young. If we
Speaker 1: were around people who treated us like we weren't worth anything, well,
Speaker 1: guess what, who are we around now? People who treat
Speaker 1: us like we're not worth anything? And it's not that
Speaker 1: we want that, And that was something I really wanted
Speaker 1: to dispel because there's a lot of like, there's people
Speaker 1: out there who have kind of a toxic positivity spin
Speaker 1: on it, and they're like, well, just get rid of them. Well,
Speaker 1: people who had a really rough upbringing can't just get
Speaker 1: rid of them, because that's what we're used to, that's
Speaker 1: what we're weirdly comfortable with. We know how to deal
Speaker 1: with not getting enough, we know how to deal with,
Speaker 1: you know, always kind of feeling short changed, always, you
Speaker 1: know that kind of sometimes even abuse or neglect, we
Speaker 1: we understand it. It feels familiar, and so we kind
Speaker 1: of don't realize the water is getting hotter and hotter
Speaker 1: and it's burning us enough to like get out of
Speaker 1: the water. We're kind of like, I can stay in
Speaker 1: this a while longer. I'm really good at, you knowwithstanding this. So,
Speaker 1: I think that so much of the work of being
Speaker 1: able to be able to be alone, be able to
Speaker 1: be on your own, develop a friendship with yourself is
Speaker 1: to not hate the parts of you that are different
Speaker 1: than what you're being told you should be. Because that
Speaker 1: was really big for me where I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: why am I like this? Why can't I just be
Speaker 1: like them? Well? I had a different story than they had,
Speaker 1: and how do we instead of judging that, how do
Speaker 1: we have compassion for these things we went through that
Speaker 1: you know, maybe didn't make us like other people, but
Speaker 1: maybe made us better in some ways, maybe made us
Speaker 1: more interesting in some ways, maybe, you know, and kind
Speaker 1: of looking at myself the way that I would look
Speaker 1: at a friend, Like friends of mine have been through
Speaker 1: a lot of pain and trauma and survived a lot
Speaker 1: of stuff. I don't look at them like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: what a damaged freak. But like that was my kind
Speaker 1: of internal voice, like, oh, I'm never going to not
Speaker 1: be alone because I've survived too much. But I never
Speaker 1: looked at other people that way. So I think a
Speaker 1: lot of it is sitting with that discomfort, because a
Speaker 1: lot of people, when they keep choosing, you know, they
Speaker 1: don't want to be alone. They're avoiding it. What we're
Speaker 1: really avoiding is that conversation with ourselves where we admit
Speaker 1: how much pain we're in and the patterns we can't
Speaker 1: find our way out of. Where did they start? So
Speaker 1: it's a lot of that inner work. But you know,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you related to this as well, when you
Speaker 1: start to realize like, okay, but chasing this happiness, this
Speaker 1: love from this other person that's not working, and so
Speaker 1: you kind of hit that breaking point where you're like,
Speaker 1: all right, I think I have to choose myself because
Speaker 1: I keep just replaying the same pattern over and over again.
Speaker 1: We have to like fix what's going on inside of us.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think there's something so cool that you
Speaker 2: said too, and it's it was sticking out to me,
Speaker 2: was how you said we have the narrative that it's
Speaker 2: better than it's better than being alone, it's better than
Speaker 2: not having relationships. And it's like that narrative is what
Speaker 2: I think keeps a lot of people. I know, it's
Speaker 2: what kept me in a lot of relationships. I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: it's better. It's better that you know then us, you know,
Speaker 2: having a separate family and the kids being two houses
Speaker 2: and you know, it's better. It's better than us to
Speaker 2: saying like this is this is But I'm like, no, actually,
Speaker 2: that was the best thing that ever happened to me,
Speaker 2: like once I got through the really hard hard times
Speaker 2: because it was woodbwished on like a worst enemy. And
Speaker 2: also I love my new life so much better. It's
Speaker 2: it's like a wild thing. But like that is what
Speaker 2: I thought, Well, it's better than you know, it's better
Speaker 2: than being alone and having a divorced family, because that's
Speaker 2: also what's been embedded in our brains too, and what
Speaker 2: we are literally supposed to or've been told to believe
Speaker 2: that that's what it is.
Speaker 1: That's so much of what it is, And so much
Speaker 1: of that book was me piecing apart all of these
Speaker 1: ideas that I'd internalized and that we'd internalize, and looking
Speaker 1: at really where they stem from, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is really regressive, this is super misogynoust that like
Speaker 1: women have to wait for the man to come and rescue,
Speaker 1: even though a lot of women have internalized this idea
Speaker 1: that like, oh, we just need a man, any man
Speaker 1: that can't be right, and so how do we kind
Speaker 1: of and the same thing with family, like you know,
Speaker 1: I internalized like, well, you only get one family and
Speaker 1: you don't get any boundaries, and you got to just
Speaker 1: put up with whatever they do. Hell no, no, all
Speaker 1: of these messages are wrong. And you know, when you
Speaker 1: can kind of look outside yourself and say, oh, some
Speaker 1: of the pressure I'm putting on myself I don't even
Speaker 1: agree with.
Speaker 2: Right, there's something so true too, And right after this
Speaker 2: we'll go to the next things I really am excited
Speaker 2: to talk about as well. But we were at dinner.
Speaker 2: We were sitting at dinner and it was me and
Speaker 2: my daughter and my son and we were just talking
Speaker 2: about the day and Jace had said something about something
Speaker 2: that he liked, and Julie goes, well, I don't like that.
Speaker 2: And then Jace had kind of you know, little brother
Speaker 2: and made like a little remark about you know, how
Speaker 2: could you not like that? And my daughter started to
Speaker 2: get upset. I'm like, baby, what's wrong. She's like, I
Speaker 2: just like, I feel like sad that, like I'm the
Speaker 2: only one that doesn't like something that like my other
Speaker 2: friends like and Jace likes. And I'm and that's when
Speaker 2: I'm you know, that's when she starts to feel like
Speaker 2: she's not normal or something's wrong with her. And I
Speaker 2: was like, no, no, baby, and I was like that
Speaker 2: just made me think. I'm like, thank goodness, I at
Speaker 2: least noticed that and then corrected it to be like
Speaker 2: it's okay. I was like, you know, I love to run,
Speaker 2: Alan doesn't love to run.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to make some like and that's okay. Like
Speaker 2: people can have different things and like you're not different
Speaker 2: than like you just like it's like it's totally normal.
Speaker 2: But like, as a kid, I don't think we were
Speaker 2: ever corrected in those moments, you know.
Speaker 1: I my friend had to correct me the other day
Speaker 1: where I was just like, I don't know, I really
Speaker 1: don't like that movie. I know everybody loves it. I
Speaker 1: think it sucks. And my friend was like, why are
Speaker 1: you explaining why you hated this? And I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, because I feel weird that everybody likes it.
Speaker 1: I really don't like it, and I don't want to
Speaker 1: be like negative or whatever. I just it's really not
Speaker 1: my thing. And he was just like, it's okay, you
Speaker 1: don't like it, and I was like, okay, oh yeah, right,
Speaker 1: be normal, be normal, be like everybody else. Even in
Speaker 1: so many ways, I've always been different. I've always been,
Speaker 1: you know, march to the beat of my own drummer.
Speaker 1: But it's so funny that even as adults, there's still
Speaker 1: these moments that are just like everyone likes that singer
Speaker 1: or that movie or whatever. You don't like them, what's
Speaker 1: wrong with you? Like what? I can make my own choices.
Speaker 2: I almost I almost don't like the Beatles, I think
Speaker 2: because I know everyone else likes them. So that's how
Speaker 2: that's like my thing. Okay, you've got a new audiobook,
Speaker 2: so it's called you're not the only one looking up
Speaker 2: breaking the endless cycle of dating mistakes? And I just
Speaker 2: I mean, girl, give us, give us like everything if
Speaker 2: you can in the next like what is what do
Speaker 2: you think the biggest cycle in the dating world is?
Speaker 1: Oh man, So there's so many. You know. One of
Speaker 1: the things that we do so often is we are
Speaker 1: just kind of ignoring these red flags because we don't
Speaker 1: know if they're really red flags and if we're allowed
Speaker 1: to honestly, very similar to you know, talking about your daughter.
Speaker 1: Am I allowed to like this? Am I allowed to
Speaker 1: hate this? Am I allowed to think? This isn't enough
Speaker 1: for me? And so many of us are doing that
Speaker 1: because we are told like, well, we're told mixed messages, right,
Speaker 1: We're told from like the kind of girl boss you
Speaker 1: deserve more. We're told the like, don't settle for that.
Speaker 1: That's crap. He's a piece of crap. Like just this
Speaker 1: kind of like look for any little thing that you
Speaker 1: don't like, and it's a red flag. Everything's a red flag.
Speaker 1: So we have that, and then we also have well
Speaker 1: you got to give someone a chance. No one's perfect,
Speaker 1: you don't get everything you want. So we're told these
Speaker 1: really differing.
Speaker 3: Things, or at least the other one at least.
Speaker 2: So what I did too was well, it's not as
Speaker 2: bad as the last one, so it's better, right, and least.
Speaker 1: This is great? Like yes, right. So it's like there's
Speaker 1: all these different things about well what are and it
Speaker 1: really that kind of thing, you know, and people being
Speaker 1: on dating apps and kind of thinking, well, I really
Speaker 1: wish they would do this, but they're not, and maybe
Speaker 1: they can't offer that. I think I see so much
Speaker 1: second guessing and so much you know, in the in
Speaker 1: the book I talk a lot about I interview people
Speaker 1: from you know, different ages, different backgrounds, all these things,
Speaker 1: and have different stories from all these people about the
Speaker 1: mistakes they kept making over and over again. And the
Speaker 1: thing that I saw was so much second guessing and
Speaker 1: so much second guessing of our own self worth that
Speaker 1: I fully related to where you just start to think, well,
Speaker 1: what am I allowed to want? What am I allowed
Speaker 1: to need? And then also, and this is something I've
Speaker 1: talked a lot about in in all my books and
Speaker 1: all my work is like this idea that we we've internalized,
Speaker 1: that idea that like we're supposed to be a chill
Speaker 1: girl who has like no needs and is down for whatever.
Speaker 1: And I, throughout my entire career have railed against that
Speaker 1: because I personally think that women are almost always settling anyway.
Speaker 1: You know, every woman that I've met, everyone that I've
Speaker 1: talked to, is already like you know, you talk to
Speaker 1: so many men and they're just like, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: who they are, what they're bringing to the table. So
Speaker 1: many so I'll give some added context here. I do
Speaker 1: a comedy show called Tinder Live, where I like go
Speaker 1: on my Tinder and I swipe through the worst, most
Speaker 1: chaotic profiles. And I've been doing it a long time,
Speaker 1: and the number of men's profiles that I see that
Speaker 1: are like, first of all, you better be a ten.
Speaker 1: You better shave every single thirty seconds. No kids, no fed.
Speaker 1: He's like this list of demands while he's bringing we
Speaker 1: have no idea what he's bringing to the table. And
Speaker 1: there's so many men who have this like wild confidence.
Speaker 1: Even if he looks like a thumb, it doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: you know, and has like three dollars to his name.
Speaker 1: He still has this list of demands and you better
Speaker 1: bring it if you want whatever he's offering, which I
Speaker 1: think is like a pulse. And then women are like,
Speaker 1: well I would kind of like this, but if he
Speaker 1: doesn't have it, it's okay. Like we're so used to
Speaker 1: telling ourselves to not be too picky, not want too much,
Speaker 1: so I you know, that's and that's just so much
Speaker 1: of what I saw when I was talking to people
Speaker 1: where they're like, well, he did this thing. I thought
Speaker 1: it was kind of scary, but maybe it wasn't, you know.
Speaker 1: And I think that's so much of what and it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be as extreme as that, but like
Speaker 1: that was kind of disappointing or I kind of wish
Speaker 1: he'd done this, but oh well, And that's where it starts.
Speaker 1: That's sort of like we're settling from the beginning because
Speaker 1: we don't want to be alone, you know.
Speaker 2: Right, But I also think too, like I I definitely know,
Speaker 2: and I've said this publicly many times, Like I know
Speaker 2: I settled in my last relationship because I was almost
Speaker 2: thirty one years old. I wanted to have a family. Yeah,
Speaker 2: he cheated on me, but it's okay. I've made mistakes
Speaker 2: to in my past like it's fine, like he won't
Speaker 2: do it again.
Speaker 3: Well, you know.
Speaker 2: So for me, it was one of those things where
Speaker 2: this next go around when I started dating, like I
Speaker 2: just will not settle because there I'm fine now being alone,
Speaker 2: Like I'm I'm totally fine now. I know there's not
Speaker 2: a perfect person, but I'm not going to go ooh.
Speaker 2: I didn't really like the flags or the settling, like
Speaker 2: there's just there's just zero point, like why I've got
Speaker 2: two beautiful children.
Speaker 3: I'm you know, I'm good being alone.
Speaker 2: And so I do think, like I have a few
Speaker 2: girlfriends that are younger and they're like, well, this guy
Speaker 2: like sent me this video of the I'm like no,
Speaker 2: I'm like and I always compare and not you know,
Speaker 2: to say, like Alan, my fiance is a unicorn, but
Speaker 2: he is he is incredible, Like he's an incredible man.
Speaker 2: He loves me fiercely, and how he shows up is
Speaker 2: everything I could have. I didn't even think men like
Speaker 2: that existed. And it's like that like some of these
Speaker 2: guys out there, I'm like, why would you expect? Why
Speaker 2: would you It's like it's a mind blowing because I'm
Speaker 2: like I am I was that girl to be like, well,
Speaker 2: it's not that bad, right, I'm like no, it's actually
Speaker 2: really bad, Like he should not be sending you videos
Speaker 2: of him like doing disgusting things with x Y And
Speaker 2: I'm like no, like that's not a man I don't know.
Speaker 3: And so it was just like it's so hard.
Speaker 2: To like be on the flip side of it too, going, girl, no,
Speaker 2: you can do so much better than that, like, don't
Speaker 2: just settle because you just want to be a relationship
Speaker 2: or have kids.
Speaker 3: So but the timeline with us too, though, is difficult.
Speaker 1: Right because it's so and we've also we've internalized this
Speaker 1: idea that like, well, you never know what your soulmate's
Speaker 1: going to be, like maybe he loves everything you hate.
Speaker 1: And it's like, wait, what, I find that hard to believe,
Speaker 1: Like we wouldn't do that when it comes to our friends,
Speaker 1: Like how many friends do you have like close friends
Speaker 1: who like are wildly opposite and you have almost nothing
Speaker 1: in common. But we have kind of internalized that, like, well, okay,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of red flags here to me, but
Speaker 1: maybe that is him. Because we do see these romantic
Speaker 1: comedies where it's like, oh I hated him at first.
Speaker 1: He was the worst man I'd ever met. That he
Speaker 1: was my soulmate, what I guess, But like I think
Speaker 1: we you know, like, yeah, that happens sometimes that's your soulmate.
Speaker 1: But I feel like it's like being struck by lightning.
Speaker 1: That's probably not your soulmate. Is somebody who you think sucks.
Speaker 1: But I think that all of these things, you know, contribute,
Speaker 1: and the timeline of it. Women feel like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: running out of time. I should have this, and the
Speaker 1: cycle of comparison of like, well, my friends have already
Speaker 1: found people, but like, you know, one thing that I
Speaker 1: really want to note and that I talk about in
Speaker 1: this book as well, is like some of those people
Speaker 1: might divorce. You don't know if their relationships are good,
Speaker 1: your comparisons, Like all my friends have people, Well, how
Speaker 1: good are their relationships? And really look at them, and
Speaker 1: do your friends have a good relationship? Is that a
Speaker 1: relationship you'd want? Again, just kind of looking at the
Speaker 1: sure that we're putting on ourselves, I'm you know, it's
Speaker 1: so important to me to remind people that I do
Speaker 1: think that if you are meant to have a soulmate,
Speaker 1: if you're meant to have that love relationship, which I
Speaker 1: think most of us are. It'll happen even if you
Speaker 1: set standards, even if you say no such a point,
Speaker 1: nothing that's meant for you will miss you. I really
Speaker 1: believe that. So if you see that guy sending those
Speaker 1: videos and you're like, ough, not for me, He's not
Speaker 1: for you. And it's something I wish I knew so
Speaker 1: much sooner, you know, which is so much of my
Speaker 1: work where I'm just like, how can I spare other
Speaker 1: people the stuff it took me so long to learn?
Speaker 3: You know, no totally.
Speaker 2: But it almost seems like everyone should read your first
Speaker 2: book book How to Be Alone, to then be able
Speaker 2: to now go, okay, you'll be a little bit more
Speaker 2: equipped and not as hungry for the relationship if you
Speaker 2: know how to be alone totally.
Speaker 1: Well, and it's so and then I actually, so this
Speaker 1: is my third book. My second book came out almost
Speaker 1: a year ago, called You Will Find Your People How
Speaker 1: to Make Meaningful Friendships as an adult. Because that's good,
Speaker 1: and I would say, because well, once you start, once
Speaker 1: you know, once I'd written how to Be Alone, I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I'm in a better place to like
Speaker 1: make better friends. And then I realized that's hard as
Speaker 1: hell too, but you have to unpack all this other stuff.
Speaker 1: But I will say that, you know, having a really
Speaker 1: great friend group is also such a great thing to
Speaker 1: be able to have when you're dating. Because for a
Speaker 1: lot of my dating life, and I don't know if
Speaker 1: you had this too, I didn't have really great friends.
Speaker 1: So I was kind of looking and so many of
Speaker 1: us do this. I was looking for my romantic partner
Speaker 1: to be like everything.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, what I blame myself for not having good friends
Speaker 2: is because I put my boyfriend above any friend pretty
Speaker 2: much for the longest of times ever. So it's that
Speaker 2: was always my issue of of course the greatest of friendships,
Speaker 2: because I was like, what do you want to do
Speaker 2: this person like above above them?
Speaker 1: So but again, you know, and I like, I talk
Speaker 1: about this in that book as well, where like we
Speaker 1: are taught to put friendships underneath romantic relationships. They're not
Speaker 1: as good. You're supposed to save all of your energy
Speaker 1: for this perfect partner who's going to complete you. You
Speaker 1: actually don't need these friends. Friends are just you know,
Speaker 1: what you have before you meet your partner. That's so
Speaker 1: flawed because if anything goes wrong, with that relationship, you
Speaker 1: don't have anybody to talk to about it. Now you're
Speaker 1: in this bubble where it's just you and this other person.
Speaker 1: If you can't see clearly, you're gonna stay in that
Speaker 1: relationship so much longer. So I think it's it really
Speaker 1: is this hierarchy of like you have to get be
Speaker 1: okay with being by yourself, really shore up those friendships
Speaker 1: because also the biggest thing that I learned when I
Speaker 1: started having better friendships is it was harder for me
Speaker 1: to set up because I was like, the friends that
Speaker 1: I have in my life are bringing me this incredible energy,
Speaker 1: this incredible love, this effort, They're bringing all the stuff
Speaker 1: that I would want from a partner. Now, if somebody
Speaker 1: comes along in my dating life and they're not giving
Speaker 1: me that, please, I already see that this exists in
Speaker 1: my friendship. If you can't be as good as my friends, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't need it. I don't need it.
Speaker 2: What do you think are the biggest red flags like
Speaker 2: in dating that our listeners should go? Okay, wait a
Speaker 2: minute now, she said, this is a big flag. I
Speaker 2: gotta be careful with this one.
Speaker 1: So it's so funny because it's so hard to know,
Speaker 1: because there are some red flags that I don't think
Speaker 1: are necessarily red flags. A lot of people talk about
Speaker 1: as being red flags, But the biggest one, I would say,
Speaker 1: because sometimes they'll like, never trust this. There could be
Speaker 1: another side to that where that person's not necessarily the worst.
Speaker 1: What I will say the biggest red flag. And this
Speaker 1: is so true for me looking back, noticing how you
Speaker 1: actually feel around them. If you don't feel good around them,
Speaker 1: that is a red flag. And I say that might
Speaker 1: sound simple, but if you're used to we are so
Speaker 1: socialized to not listen to ourselves, to second guess ourselves,
Speaker 1: to tell ourselves, you know, we're being too needy, too picky,
Speaker 1: too much of this. We're not, you know, just let
Speaker 1: it happen, let it unfold. Meanwhile, we're feeling really bad
Speaker 1: in this situation. We're feeling you know, uneasy about it,
Speaker 1: and we tell ourselves that that's just because we've been
Speaker 1: through some hardships, some pain, some trauma. I don't think so.
Speaker 1: I think that when you know when it is a
Speaker 1: good person, they're like a good person for you. They
Speaker 1: make you feel pretty at ease most of the time,
Speaker 1: even if you have a lot of anxiety which I do.
Speaker 1: Even if you have an anxious attachment, which I talk
Speaker 1: a lot about attachment styles and things like that. You know,
Speaker 1: when we have those struggles, we tell ourselves that, well,
Speaker 1: everyone's making us feel uneasy. It's just us, it's just me.
Speaker 1: I don't believe that, I really think, and that's not
Speaker 1: saying that anybody who makes you, you know, feel a
Speaker 1: little bit anxious cut and run. I think there are
Speaker 1: conversations that can be had, but I think that you know,
Speaker 1: looking really looking at how somebody makes you feel, and
Speaker 1: you can verbalize those things. And so then I guess
Speaker 1: that brings me to the next red flag, which would
Speaker 1: be if they're not willing to give you what you'd need.
Speaker 1: And I say that because in so many of my relationships,
Speaker 1: friendships otherwise that I've had, I've told people, Hey, I
Speaker 1: really need consistency from somebody. I want to know that
Speaker 1: when you say you're going to do something, you actually
Speaker 1: do it, follow through. All that stuff is so important
Speaker 1: to me to feel like I can trust somebody.
Speaker 3: Words and actions need to match.
Speaker 1: Words and actions need to match. But you know, some
Speaker 1: people will be like, oh my god, totally yeah, I'll
Speaker 1: do it, and then they don't do it, and I
Speaker 1: would feel so crazy and I would be like, well,
Speaker 1: people are human. Sometimes they're going to mess up. And
Speaker 1: you start to second guess yourself and think that you
Speaker 1: don't deserve consistency, you don't deserve words and actions matching up,
Speaker 1: and you do. And I think it's you know, it's
Speaker 1: hard because we don't want to throw the baby out
Speaker 1: with the bath water. We don't want to, you know,
Speaker 1: detonate an entire relationship just because of this. But again
Speaker 1: that goes back to the like, how does this make
Speaker 1: you feel when you've asked for something and told them
Speaker 1: why you need it, that you need it, and they're
Speaker 1: okay with letting you down. Why are you okay with
Speaker 1: that with somebody who doesn't care. If you are now
Speaker 1: feeling extra anxious, extra discounted.
Speaker 2: They should come to you and go, how can I
Speaker 2: help you with this? Instead of add more to it,
Speaker 2: don't add more layers onto.
Speaker 1: It, right, And even if that's hard for them, you know,
Speaker 1: if they get distracted or whatever. I know, man, I
Speaker 1: have a bunch of reminders on my phone, Like if
Speaker 1: you really love somebody and you know they need that,
Speaker 1: calendar reminders, phone reminders, I don't know, like you either
Speaker 1: think somebody is worth it or you don't. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: really it, And then why are you okay with being
Speaker 1: somebody who clearly doesn't think you're worth it? Lane?
Speaker 2: I just enjoy everything you're doing. Thank you for coming
Speaker 2: on the show. Can you let our listeners know where
Speaker 2: they can find you and everything that you're up to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm at Hello Lane Moore on Instagram and
Speaker 1: Twitter and TikTok and all the things. You can find
Speaker 1: all of my books and tour dates. I do Tender
Speaker 1: Life every single month in New York City and I
Speaker 1: tour the country with it, coming out to La soon.
Speaker 1: That's at lanemore dot org. And yeah, you can find
Speaker 1: all the links for my books and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: And I have a podcast as well called I thought
Speaker 1: it was just me that talks about all this stuff
Speaker 1: on Patreon slash Lane Moore.
Speaker 2: Awesome, Lane, thank you so much for coming on mine down.
Speaker 2: Really appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I appreciate you too, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: Okay, all right, bye, girl bye.
Speaker 2: Everyone go grab a copy of her new audiobook, You're
Speaker 2: Not the only One f and Up Breaking the Endless
Speaker 2: Cycle of Dating Mistakes, Available now