WEBVTT - Thursday Therapy: How to Be Alone 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.399 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:09.479 On this week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Lane Moore. So, 0:00:09.560 --> 0:00:14.160 she's an award winning writer, actor, comedian, musician. Her first book, 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:16.400 How to Be Alone If You Want To and Even 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:19.200 If You Don't, became an instant number one bestseller and 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:21.000 was praise as one of the best books of the 0:00:21.079 --> 0:00:24.040 year by the New York Times. She's going to be 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:25.680 coming on the show. She's got a new ebook out 0:00:25.760 --> 0:00:28.520 right now to talk about how to break the endless 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:29.720 cycle of dating mistakes. 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:34.440 Let's get her on. Hi. Hi everybody, Hi, how are 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:34.840 you doing. 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:36.800 I'm doing okay? How are you? 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:38.200 I'm so good? 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:40.040 Good, Okay. 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:43.560 You had a book came out that was insanely successful, 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:46.199 How to Be Alone, which I think is one of 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:48.600 the hardest things to be is alone. 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:51.280 I think that's why I. 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:54.560 Continued to be in the most toxic of toxic relationships 0:00:54.600 --> 0:00:56.880 because it was better than being alone. 0:00:57.560 --> 0:00:57.760 Right. 0:00:57.880 --> 0:01:01.560 So, then when I got divorced for the time, I 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:04.160 was like, Okay, there seems to be a pattern, and 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:06.960 it seems to be me and I have a problem 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:09.399 with being alone. And so when I was forced to 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:14.679 be alone, the uncomfortability was weird at first, but then 0:01:14.720 --> 0:01:17.480 it became something that to this day, even though I'm 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:22.200 happily engaged in getting married again, it's I'm I'm more comfortable, 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:24.040 and I'm like, I like my alone time too, Like 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:26.759 when he does travel, I don't get that anxious feeling 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:29.440 like I used to. And I think a lot of 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:31.040 times too with the girls. I was just talking to 0:01:31.120 --> 0:01:33.800 my best friends in Los Angeles and you know, she's like, 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:36.520 I'm finally happy alone, and I'm like, that's when it's 0:01:36.520 --> 0:01:39.600 all going to click after that, because you're changing a 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:42.800 part of like your patterns and behaviors, and you're not 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:45.000 going to fall back into something bad because you just 0:01:45.040 --> 0:01:45.639 miss someone. 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:46.720 So what do you think? 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:48.240 I mean, obviously I want to talk about your new 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:50.200 ebook and what you have out now, but I just 0:01:50.240 --> 0:01:53.960 think it's so important for people that struggle with that 0:01:54.120 --> 0:01:57.400 alone like be you know, being alone, Like how did 0:01:57.440 --> 0:01:59.040 you overcome it? And what do you think the best 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:01.720 tips and tools for people to get through that season? 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:05.600 Is? Yeah, absolutely. And it's so funny when you said 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:08.200 you know you were always with somebody because it was 0:02:08.240 --> 0:02:11.440 better than being alone. I imagined that you used air 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:15.040 quotes around better because it's absolutely not you know, being 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:15.840 with anybody. 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:21.160 First, Yeah, it's not miserable. How am I miserable? And like, yeah, 0:02:21.200 --> 0:02:21.600 it's all. 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:25.520 Rul But we do tell specifically there is a gendered 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:28.680 message also, like we especially tell women that it's better 0:02:28.720 --> 0:02:31.200 than being alone. We put these timelines on women. You 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:33.880 better have a man choose you. By this age. God, 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:36.280 it doesn't matter who the man is. And you know, 0:02:36.320 --> 0:02:38.240 the men get all the power, they get to choose you. 0:02:38.320 --> 0:02:40.760 Oh my god, you've been chosen. You better go with him. 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:45.160 It's so so dated and so strange, and so many 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:47.320 of us have internalized it. I've internalized it. I'm sure 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:50.600 you internalize it. It's hard not to. So. You know, 0:02:50.840 --> 0:02:52.960 when I wrote How to Be Alone, so much of 0:02:53.000 --> 0:02:58.040 why I wrote it was I didn't have I felt 0:02:58.080 --> 0:03:00.480 like there were all these messages about what I was 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:02.200 supposed to have, what we're supposed to have. We're all 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.480 supposed to have perfect families, which, by the way, you 0:03:05.600 --> 0:03:10.359 just get randomly assigned a family you actually don't like. 0:03:10.480 --> 0:03:13.280 If you have a great, if you come from a great, loving, wonderful, 0:03:13.320 --> 0:03:17.000 stable family, you don't like deserve that you randomly got 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:18.880 like everybody deserves it, you know what I mean. But 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:20.880 there's all these messages that if you don't get that, 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:24.359 it's because you don't deserve it, something's wrong with you. You're unlovable, 0:03:24.760 --> 0:03:27.120 and you're going to internalize that even more. And because 0:03:27.120 --> 0:03:29.840 we don't talk about anybody who isn't lucky enough to 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:34.720 get randomly assigned that, you know, which was I say? 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:37.680 And I want to emphasize because so many of us 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:40.760 feel like we did something wrong if we don't have 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:43.480 this perfect, loving family, if we don't have these perfect, 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:47.000 magical friends, if we don't have this perfect partner right away. 0:03:47.160 --> 0:03:50.360 And I had internalized that, and I was like, everywhere 0:03:50.400 --> 0:03:53.400 I look, everybody is posting all of these like best 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:55.120 mom in the world, best dad in the world, best 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:57.640 sister in the world. We're never separated, we've never had 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:01.360 problems stuff on social media. I don't relate to that, 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:04.280 and I feel like I'm the only one. And so 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:06.160 so much of writing how to Be Alone and talking 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:09.680 about these things was at the time I hadn't read 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:15.280 anything or seen anything that reflected my story of experiencing 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.320 that kind of like, well, where am I supposed to go? 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:22.159 I don't have this foundation that everybody allegedly has and 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:25.880 because of that, finding out that because of that, making 0:04:25.880 --> 0:04:28.200 friends was harder because if you don't have that foundation, 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:32.320 everything is screwed. It's so hard, and you have to 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:35.839 kind of go through all of these messages because that's 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:39.160 really I just really learned that that's where it all started, 0:04:39.360 --> 0:04:42.360 was whatever messages that you got as a kid from 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:45.680 your family, extended family, the people in your life that 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:48.440 has molded your brain. And some people got very lucky, 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:52.839 and they got so much self esteem and confidence and believe, 0:04:53.160 --> 0:04:55.320 you know, belief that they were worth everything, and so 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:57.840 then they you know a lot of times then they 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:01.560 only they didn't settle for anything less than everything. But 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:03.680 the rest of us didn't do that, and we were 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:05.680 set on this path or we had to uncover all 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:09.520 this sticky stuff. So uh. And the beautiful thing about 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:12.760 How to Be Alone was that when I submitted that 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:17.520 book to my publisher, I was genuinely terrified because I'd 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:21.279 never seen anybody talk about this really heavy stuff, and 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:23.080 I was really worried people were going to be like, 0:05:23.200 --> 0:05:26.520 what's wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal 0:05:26.680 --> 0:05:29.800 like us? And I still to this day, you know, 0:05:29.839 --> 0:05:32.120 the book's been out a while now, and I still 0:05:32.200 --> 0:05:34.520 to this day gets so many messages on Instagram from 0:05:34.520 --> 0:05:36.960 people who are like I thought I was the only one. 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:38.840 I thought I was the only one who felt like this. 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:42.080 I didn't know anybody else felt like this. It's like 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:45.280 changed my life to realize other people can feel like this. 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:51.480 So I think that's a big part of not feeling alone, really, 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:54.679 I think is knowing there's other people who have walked 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:57.280 similar paths, and when you feel like no one has 0:05:57.320 --> 0:06:01.280 walked your path, it's like extra alone. So part of 0:06:01.360 --> 0:06:04.880 why I wanted to write this was, yeah, share the 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:08.560 things that I knew. And one of the biggest things 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:12.200 that I talk about in the book is really realizing 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:15.200 how much of what you're going through right now, the 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:21.080 people that you're attracting, you know, through no conscious fault 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:26.280 of our own, are really often based on those templates 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:28.200 that we had when we were really young. If we 0:06:28.200 --> 0:06:32.920 were around people who treated us like we weren't worth anything, well, 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:35.000 guess what, who are we around now? People who treat 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:37.960 us like we're not worth anything? And it's not that 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:40.720 we want that, And that was something I really wanted 0:06:40.720 --> 0:06:45.799 to dispel because there's a lot of like, there's people 0:06:45.839 --> 0:06:48.400 out there who have kind of a toxic positivity spin 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:52.200 on it, and they're like, well, just get rid of them. Well, 0:06:52.320 --> 0:06:54.760 people who had a really rough upbringing can't just get 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:57.159 rid of them, because that's what we're used to, that's 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:01.039 what we're weirdly comfortable with. We know how to deal 0:07:01.400 --> 0:07:03.960 with not getting enough, we know how to deal with, 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.520 you know, always kind of feeling short changed, always, you 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:12.280 know that kind of sometimes even abuse or neglect, we 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:16.680 we understand it. It feels familiar, and so we kind 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:20.400 of don't realize the water is getting hotter and hotter 0:07:20.480 --> 0:07:22.640 and it's burning us enough to like get out of 0:07:22.680 --> 0:07:25.000 the water. We're kind of like, I can stay in 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:29.640 this a while longer. I'm really good at, you knowwithstanding this. So, 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:34.800 I think that so much of the work of being 0:07:34.840 --> 0:07:37.920 able to be able to be alone, be able to 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:42.640 be on your own, develop a friendship with yourself is 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:45.360 to not hate the parts of you that are different 0:07:46.040 --> 0:07:48.360 than what you're being told you should be. Because that 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:50.239 was really big for me where I was like, oh, 0:07:50.360 --> 0:07:51.880 why am I like this? Why can't I just be 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:55.600 like them? Well? I had a different story than they had, 0:07:55.680 --> 0:07:58.280 and how do we instead of judging that, how do 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:02.800 we have compassion for these things we went through that 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:06.120 you know, maybe didn't make us like other people, but 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:10.800 maybe made us better in some ways, maybe made us 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:14.720 more interesting in some ways, maybe, you know, and kind 0:08:14.800 --> 0:08:18.480 of looking at myself the way that I would look 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:20.320 at a friend, Like friends of mine have been through 0:08:20.320 --> 0:08:22.560 a lot of pain and trauma and survived a lot 0:08:22.600 --> 0:08:25.440 of stuff. I don't look at them like, oh my god, 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:28.320 what a damaged freak. But like that was my kind 0:08:28.320 --> 0:08:31.600 of internal voice, like, oh, I'm never going to not 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:35.400 be alone because I've survived too much. But I never 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:38.360 looked at other people that way. So I think a 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:43.000 lot of it is sitting with that discomfort, because a 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:47.000 lot of people, when they keep choosing, you know, they 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:49.160 don't want to be alone. They're avoiding it. What we're 0:08:49.200 --> 0:08:53.640 really avoiding is that conversation with ourselves where we admit 0:08:54.160 --> 0:08:58.320 how much pain we're in and the patterns we can't 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:01.400 find our way out of. Where did they start? So 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:05.840 it's a lot of that inner work. But you know, 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.720 I'm sure you related to this as well, when you 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:13.720 start to realize like, okay, but chasing this happiness, this 0:09:13.840 --> 0:09:17.120 love from this other person that's not working, and so 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:20.000 you kind of hit that breaking point where you're like, 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:23.800 all right, I think I have to choose myself because 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.319 I keep just replaying the same pattern over and over again. 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:30.880 We have to like fix what's going on inside of us. 0:09:31.160 --> 0:09:33.720 Yeah, And I think there's something so cool that you 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:35.960 said too, and it's it was sticking out to me, 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:39.480 was how you said we have the narrative that it's 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:42.720 better than it's better than being alone, it's better than 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:46.360 not having relationships. And it's like that narrative is what 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:48.640 I think keeps a lot of people. I know, it's 0:09:48.640 --> 0:09:51.120 what kept me in a lot of relationships. I'm like, well, 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:54.960 it's better. It's better that you know then us, you know, 0:09:55.040 --> 0:09:57.440 having a separate family and the kids being two houses 0:09:57.480 --> 0:09:59.800 and you know, it's better. It's better than us to 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:02.240 saying like this is this is But I'm like, no, actually, 0:10:02.240 --> 0:10:03.520 that was the best thing that ever happened to me, 0:10:03.679 --> 0:10:06.880 like once I got through the really hard hard times 0:10:06.920 --> 0:10:10.000 because it was woodbwished on like a worst enemy. And 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:14.200 also I love my new life so much better. It's 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:16.559 it's like a wild thing. But like that is what 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:19.240 I thought, Well, it's better than you know, it's better 0:10:19.240 --> 0:10:22.000 than being alone and having a divorced family, because that's 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:24.080 also what's been embedded in our brains too, and what 0:10:24.120 --> 0:10:27.559 we are literally supposed to or've been told to believe 0:10:27.640 --> 0:10:28.880 that that's what it is. 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:31.480 That's so much of what it is, And so much 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:35.800 of that book was me piecing apart all of these 0:10:35.840 --> 0:10:39.120 ideas that I'd internalized and that we'd internalize, and looking 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:41.679 at really where they stem from, and you're like, oh, 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:45.760 this is really regressive, this is super misogynoust that like 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:48.040 women have to wait for the man to come and rescue, 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:52.160 even though a lot of women have internalized this idea 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:54.200 that like, oh, we just need a man, any man 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:57.160 that can't be right, and so how do we kind 0:10:57.160 --> 0:10:59.480 of and the same thing with family, like you know, 0:10:59.600 --> 0:11:03.000 I internalized like, well, you only get one family and 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:05.080 you don't get any boundaries, and you got to just 0:11:05.320 --> 0:11:08.880 put up with whatever they do. Hell no, no, all 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:11.680 of these messages are wrong. And you know, when you 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:14.760 can kind of look outside yourself and say, oh, some 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:17.559 of the pressure I'm putting on myself I don't even 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:18.080 agree with. 0:11:18.760 --> 0:11:34.760 Right, there's something so true too, And right after this 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:36.760 we'll go to the next things I really am excited 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:39.559 to talk about as well. But we were at dinner. 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:42.040 We were sitting at dinner and it was me and 0:11:42.080 --> 0:11:44.200 my daughter and my son and we were just talking 0:11:44.240 --> 0:11:47.520 about the day and Jace had said something about something 0:11:47.559 --> 0:11:49.440 that he liked, and Julie goes, well, I don't like that. 0:11:49.720 --> 0:11:52.800 And then Jace had kind of you know, little brother 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:55.800 and made like a little remark about you know, how 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:58.280 could you not like that? And my daughter started to 0:11:58.280 --> 0:11:59.880 get upset. I'm like, baby, what's wrong. She's like, I 0:12:00.160 --> 0:12:03.360 just like, I feel like sad that, like I'm the 0:12:03.360 --> 0:12:05.720 only one that doesn't like something that like my other 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:08.160 friends like and Jace likes. And I'm and that's when 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:10.200 I'm you know, that's when she starts to feel like 0:12:10.240 --> 0:12:12.560 she's not normal or something's wrong with her. And I 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:14.000 was like, no, no, baby, and I was like that 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:15.600 just made me think. I'm like, thank goodness, I at 0:12:15.679 --> 0:12:18.880 least noticed that and then corrected it to be like 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:22.440 it's okay. I was like, you know, I love to run, 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:23.559 Alan doesn't love to run. 0:12:23.640 --> 0:12:23.760 You know. 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:25.600 I'm trying to make some like and that's okay. Like 0:12:25.800 --> 0:12:28.160 people can have different things and like you're not different 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:30.760 than like you just like it's like it's totally normal. 0:12:30.800 --> 0:12:32.840 But like, as a kid, I don't think we were 0:12:32.880 --> 0:12:34.800 ever corrected in those moments, you know. 0:12:36.040 --> 0:12:39.200 I my friend had to correct me the other day 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:41.079 where I was just like, I don't know, I really 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:42.800 don't like that movie. I know everybody loves it. I 0:12:42.800 --> 0:12:44.360 think it sucks. And my friend was like, why are 0:12:44.360 --> 0:12:46.560 you explaining why you hated this? And I was like, 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:48.760 I don't know, because I feel weird that everybody likes it. 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:50.679 I really don't like it, and I don't want to 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:53.600 be like negative or whatever. I just it's really not 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:56.320 my thing. And he was just like, it's okay, you 0:12:56.360 --> 0:12:59.240 don't like it, and I was like, okay, oh yeah, right, 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:05.240 be normal, be normal, be like everybody else. Even in 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:08.920 so many ways, I've always been different. I've always been, 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:11.600 you know, march to the beat of my own drummer. 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:14.760 But it's so funny that even as adults, there's still 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:17.720 these moments that are just like everyone likes that singer 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:20.400 or that movie or whatever. You don't like them, what's 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:23.319 wrong with you? Like what? I can make my own choices. 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:25.679 I almost I almost don't like the Beatles, I think 0:13:25.720 --> 0:13:27.880 because I know everyone else likes them. So that's how 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:32.319 that's like my thing. Okay, you've got a new audiobook, 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:34.679 so it's called you're not the only one looking up 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.160 breaking the endless cycle of dating mistakes? And I just 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:42.280 I mean, girl, give us, give us like everything if 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:44.680 you can in the next like what is what do 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:48.440 you think the biggest cycle in the dating world is? 0:13:49.200 --> 0:13:51.880 Oh man, So there's so many. You know. One of 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:56.360 the things that we do so often is we are 0:13:56.640 --> 0:14:01.280 just kind of ignoring these red flags because we don't 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:04.280 know if they're really red flags and if we're allowed 0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:07.960 to honestly, very similar to you know, talking about your daughter. 0:14:08.000 --> 0:14:10.040 Am I allowed to like this? Am I allowed to 0:14:10.080 --> 0:14:12.200 hate this? Am I allowed to think? This isn't enough 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:15.520 for me? And so many of us are doing that 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:20.200 because we are told like, well, we're told mixed messages, right, 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:24.440 We're told from like the kind of girl boss you 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:27.560 deserve more. We're told the like, don't settle for that. 0:14:27.560 --> 0:14:30.280 That's crap. He's a piece of crap. Like just this 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:32.840 kind of like look for any little thing that you 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:35.520 don't like, and it's a red flag. Everything's a red flag. 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:38.480 So we have that, and then we also have well 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:40.600 you got to give someone a chance. No one's perfect, 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:42.640 you don't get everything you want. So we're told these 0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:44.560 really differing. 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:46.400 Things, or at least the other one at least. 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:48.360 So what I did too was well, it's not as 0:14:48.400 --> 0:14:52.600 bad as the last one, so it's better, right, and least. 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:58.440 This is great? Like yes, right. So it's like there's 0:14:58.520 --> 0:15:00.640 all these different things about well what are and it 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:05.920 really that kind of thing, you know, and people being 0:15:05.960 --> 0:15:08.800 on dating apps and kind of thinking, well, I really 0:15:08.840 --> 0:15:11.280 wish they would do this, but they're not, and maybe 0:15:11.440 --> 0:15:15.280 they can't offer that. I think I see so much 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.960 second guessing and so much you know, in the in 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:22.520 the book I talk a lot about I interview people 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:25.720 from you know, different ages, different backgrounds, all these things, 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:29.200 and have different stories from all these people about the 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:32.440 mistakes they kept making over and over again. And the 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:36.040 thing that I saw was so much second guessing and 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:39.120 so much second guessing of our own self worth that 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:44.280 I fully related to where you just start to think, well, 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:47.200 what am I allowed to want? What am I allowed 0:15:47.240 --> 0:15:51.000 to need? And then also, and this is something I've 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:53.600 talked a lot about in in all my books and 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:59.880 all my work is like this idea that we we've internalized, 0:15:59.880 --> 0:16:02.560 that idea that like we're supposed to be a chill 0:16:02.680 --> 0:16:05.720 girl who has like no needs and is down for whatever. 0:16:06.280 --> 0:16:10.600 And I, throughout my entire career have railed against that 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:16.880 because I personally think that women are almost always settling anyway. 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:19.920 You know, every woman that I've met, everyone that I've 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:23.920 talked to, is already like you know, you talk to 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:25.960 so many men and they're just like, it doesn't matter 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:28.680 who they are, what they're bringing to the table. So 0:16:28.800 --> 0:16:33.400 many so I'll give some added context here. I do 0:16:33.920 --> 0:16:36.040 a comedy show called Tinder Live, where I like go 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:39.640 on my Tinder and I swipe through the worst, most 0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:41.560 chaotic profiles. And I've been doing it a long time, 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:45.440 and the number of men's profiles that I see that 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:48.000 are like, first of all, you better be a ten. 0:16:48.120 --> 0:16:52.160 You better shave every single thirty seconds. No kids, no fed. 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.800 He's like this list of demands while he's bringing we 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:58.560 have no idea what he's bringing to the table. And 0:16:58.600 --> 0:17:01.600 there's so many men who have this like wild confidence. 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:04.160 Even if he looks like a thumb, it doesn't matter, 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:06.359 you know, and has like three dollars to his name. 0:17:06.880 --> 0:17:08.920 He still has this list of demands and you better 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:11.879 bring it if you want whatever he's offering, which I 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.879 think is like a pulse. And then women are like, 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:16.800 well I would kind of like this, but if he 0:17:16.840 --> 0:17:19.679 doesn't have it, it's okay. Like we're so used to 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:24.200 telling ourselves to not be too picky, not want too much, 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:28.240 so I you know, that's and that's just so much 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:30.480 of what I saw when I was talking to people 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:32.880 where they're like, well, he did this thing. I thought 0:17:32.880 --> 0:17:36.320 it was kind of scary, but maybe it wasn't, you know. 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:37.919 And I think that's so much of what and it 0:17:37.920 --> 0:17:40.719 doesn't have to be as extreme as that, but like 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:43.640 that was kind of disappointing or I kind of wish 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:46.920 he'd done this, but oh well, And that's where it starts. 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:50.680 That's sort of like we're settling from the beginning because 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:52.440 we don't want to be alone, you know. 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:55.520 Right, But I also think too, like I I definitely know, 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:58.199 and I've said this publicly many times, Like I know 0:17:58.359 --> 0:18:01.320 I settled in my last relationship because I was almost 0:18:01.359 --> 0:18:04.000 thirty one years old. I wanted to have a family. Yeah, 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:06.160 he cheated on me, but it's okay. I've made mistakes 0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:08.680 to in my past like it's fine, like he won't 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:09.160 do it again. 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:10.159 Well, you know. 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:13.840 So for me, it was one of those things where 0:18:14.320 --> 0:18:16.959 this next go around when I started dating, like I 0:18:17.080 --> 0:18:20.040 just will not settle because there I'm fine now being alone, 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:23.080 Like I'm I'm totally fine now. I know there's not 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:25.600 a perfect person, but I'm not going to go ooh. 0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:28.840 I didn't really like the flags or the settling, like 0:18:28.960 --> 0:18:31.600 there's just there's just zero point, like why I've got 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:32.639 two beautiful children. 0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:34.840 I'm you know, I'm good being alone. 0:18:35.640 --> 0:18:38.639 And so I do think, like I have a few 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:40.800 girlfriends that are younger and they're like, well, this guy 0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:43.520 like sent me this video of the I'm like no, 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:45.879 I'm like and I always compare and not you know, 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:48.720 to say, like Alan, my fiance is a unicorn, but 0:18:48.760 --> 0:18:51.000 he is he is incredible, Like he's an incredible man. 0:18:51.040 --> 0:18:53.760 He loves me fiercely, and how he shows up is 0:18:53.800 --> 0:18:56.359 everything I could have. I didn't even think men like 0:18:56.400 --> 0:19:00.160 that existed. And it's like that like some of these 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:02.800 guys out there, I'm like, why would you expect? Why 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:05.919 would you It's like it's a mind blowing because I'm 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:07.760 like I am I was that girl to be like, well, 0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:09.520 it's not that bad, right, I'm like no, it's actually 0:19:09.600 --> 0:19:11.560 really bad, Like he should not be sending you videos 0:19:11.600 --> 0:19:14.359 of him like doing disgusting things with x Y And 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:17.320 I'm like no, like that's not a man I don't know. 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:19.679 And so it was just like it's so hard. 0:19:19.400 --> 0:19:22.199 To like be on the flip side of it too, going, girl, no, 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:24.399 you can do so much better than that, like, don't 0:19:24.440 --> 0:19:27.320 just settle because you just want to be a relationship 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:28.160 or have kids. 0:19:28.520 --> 0:19:31.440 So but the timeline with us too, though, is difficult. 0:19:31.280 --> 0:19:35.760 Right because it's so and we've also we've internalized this 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:38.520 idea that like, well, you never know what your soulmate's 0:19:38.560 --> 0:19:40.960 going to be, like maybe he loves everything you hate. 0:19:41.160 --> 0:19:44.560 And it's like, wait, what, I find that hard to believe, 0:19:44.640 --> 0:19:47.000 Like we wouldn't do that when it comes to our friends, 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:50.360 Like how many friends do you have like close friends 0:19:50.680 --> 0:19:53.720 who like are wildly opposite and you have almost nothing 0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:56.920 in common. But we have kind of internalized that, like, well, okay, 0:19:57.080 --> 0:19:59.600 there's a lot of red flags here to me, but 0:20:00.000 --> 0:20:02.360 maybe that is him. Because we do see these romantic 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:04.680 comedies where it's like, oh I hated him at first. 0:20:04.680 --> 0:20:06.399 He was the worst man I'd ever met. That he 0:20:06.480 --> 0:20:10.640 was my soulmate, what I guess, But like I think 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:14.600