1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:05,399
Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.

2
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,479
Speaker 2: On this week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Lane Moore. So,

3
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:14,160
Speaker 2: she's an award winning writer, actor, comedian, musician. Her first book,

4
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,400
Speaker 2: How to Be Alone If You Want To and Even

5
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:19,200
Speaker 2: If You Don't, became an instant number one bestseller and

6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,000
Speaker 2: was praise as one of the best books of the

7
00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,040
Speaker 2: year by the New York Times. She's going to be

8
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,680
Speaker 2: coming on the show. She's got a new ebook out

9
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,520
Speaker 2: right now to talk about how to break the endless

10
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:29,720
Speaker 2: cycle of dating mistakes.

11
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,440
Speaker 3: Let's get her on. Hi. Hi everybody, Hi, how are

12
00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:34,840
Speaker 3: you doing.

13
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:36,800
Speaker 1: I'm doing okay? How are you?

14
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:38,200
Speaker 3: I'm so good?

15
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,040
Speaker 1: Good, Okay.

16
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,560
Speaker 2: You had a book came out that was insanely successful,

17
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,199
Speaker 2: How to Be Alone, which I think is one of

18
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,600
Speaker 2: the hardest things to be is alone.

19
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,280
Speaker 3: I think that's why I.

20
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,560
Speaker 2: Continued to be in the most toxic of toxic relationships

21
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,880
Speaker 2: because it was better than being alone.

22
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:57,760
Speaker 1: Right.

23
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,560
Speaker 2: So, then when I got divorced for the time, I

24
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,160
Speaker 2: was like, Okay, there seems to be a pattern, and

25
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,960
Speaker 2: it seems to be me and I have a problem

26
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,399
Speaker 2: with being alone. And so when I was forced to

27
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:14,679
Speaker 2: be alone, the uncomfortability was weird at first, but then

28
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,480
Speaker 2: it became something that to this day, even though I'm

29
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:22,200
Speaker 2: happily engaged in getting married again, it's I'm I'm more comfortable,

30
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,040
Speaker 2: and I'm like, I like my alone time too, Like

31
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,759
Speaker 2: when he does travel, I don't get that anxious feeling

32
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,440
Speaker 2: like I used to. And I think a lot of

33
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,040
Speaker 2: times too with the girls. I was just talking to

34
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,800
Speaker 2: my best friends in Los Angeles and you know, she's like,

35
00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,520
Speaker 2: I'm finally happy alone, and I'm like, that's when it's

36
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,600
Speaker 2: all going to click after that, because you're changing a

37
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,800
Speaker 2: part of like your patterns and behaviors, and you're not

38
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:45,000
Speaker 2: going to fall back into something bad because you just

39
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:45,639
Speaker 2: miss someone.

40
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:46,720
Speaker 3: So what do you think?

41
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,240
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously I want to talk about your new

42
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,200
Speaker 2: ebook and what you have out now, but I just

43
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:53,960
Speaker 2: think it's so important for people that struggle with that

44
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,400
Speaker 2: alone like be you know, being alone, Like how did

45
00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,040
Speaker 2: you overcome it? And what do you think the best

46
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,720
Speaker 2: tips and tools for people to get through that season?

47
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,600
Speaker 1: Is? Yeah, absolutely. And it's so funny when you said

48
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,200
Speaker 1: you know you were always with somebody because it was

49
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,440
Speaker 1: better than being alone. I imagined that you used air

50
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,040
Speaker 1: quotes around better because it's absolutely not you know, being

51
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:15,840
Speaker 1: with anybody.

52
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:21,160
Speaker 2: First, Yeah, it's not miserable. How am I miserable? And like, yeah,

53
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:21,600
Speaker 2: it's all.

54
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:25,520
Speaker 1: Rul But we do tell specifically there is a gendered

55
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,680
Speaker 1: message also, like we especially tell women that it's better

56
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,200
Speaker 1: than being alone. We put these timelines on women. You

57
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,880
Speaker 1: better have a man choose you. By this age. God,

58
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,280
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter who the man is. And you know,

59
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,240
Speaker 1: the men get all the power, they get to choose you.

60
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,760
Speaker 1: Oh my god, you've been chosen. You better go with him.

61
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:45,160
Speaker 1: It's so so dated and so strange, and so many

62
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,320
Speaker 1: of us have internalized it. I've internalized it. I'm sure

63
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,600
Speaker 1: you internalize it. It's hard not to. So. You know,

64
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,960
Speaker 1: when I wrote How to Be Alone, so much of

65
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:58,040
Speaker 1: why I wrote it was I didn't have I felt

66
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,480
Speaker 1: like there were all these messages about what I was

67
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,200
Speaker 1: supposed to have, what we're supposed to have. We're all

68
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,480
Speaker 1: supposed to have perfect families, which, by the way, you

69
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,359
Speaker 1: just get randomly assigned a family you actually don't like.

70
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,280
Speaker 1: If you have a great, if you come from a great, loving, wonderful,

71
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,000
Speaker 1: stable family, you don't like deserve that you randomly got

72
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,880
Speaker 1: like everybody deserves it, you know what I mean. But

73
00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:20,880
Speaker 1: there's all these messages that if you don't get that,

74
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,359
Speaker 1: it's because you don't deserve it, something's wrong with you. You're unlovable,

75
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,120
Speaker 1: and you're going to internalize that even more. And because

76
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,840
Speaker 1: we don't talk about anybody who isn't lucky enough to

77
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,720
Speaker 1: get randomly assigned that, you know, which was I say?

78
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,680
Speaker 1: And I want to emphasize because so many of us

79
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,760
Speaker 1: feel like we did something wrong if we don't have

80
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,480
Speaker 1: this perfect, loving family, if we don't have these perfect,

81
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:47,000
Speaker 1: magical friends, if we don't have this perfect partner right away.

82
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,360
Speaker 1: And I had internalized that, and I was like, everywhere

83
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,400
Speaker 1: I look, everybody is posting all of these like best

84
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,120
Speaker 1: mom in the world, best dad in the world, best

85
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,640
Speaker 1: sister in the world. We're never separated, we've never had

86
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,360
Speaker 1: problems stuff on social media. I don't relate to that,

87
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,280
Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm the only one. And so

88
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,160
Speaker 1: so much of writing how to Be Alone and talking

89
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,680
Speaker 1: about these things was at the time I hadn't read

90
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:15,280
Speaker 1: anything or seen anything that reflected my story of experiencing

91
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,320
Speaker 1: that kind of like, well, where am I supposed to go?

92
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:22,159
Speaker 1: I don't have this foundation that everybody allegedly has and

93
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,880
Speaker 1: because of that, finding out that because of that, making

94
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:28,200
Speaker 1: friends was harder because if you don't have that foundation,

95
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,320
Speaker 1: everything is screwed. It's so hard, and you have to

96
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,839
Speaker 1: kind of go through all of these messages because that's

97
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:39,160
Speaker 1: really I just really learned that that's where it all started,

98
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,360
Speaker 1: was whatever messages that you got as a kid from

99
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,680
Speaker 1: your family, extended family, the people in your life that

100
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,440
Speaker 1: has molded your brain. And some people got very lucky,

101
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:52,839
Speaker 1: and they got so much self esteem and confidence and believe,

102
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,320
Speaker 1: you know, belief that they were worth everything, and so

103
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,840
Speaker 1: then they you know a lot of times then they

104
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,560
Speaker 1: only they didn't settle for anything less than everything. But

105
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,680
Speaker 1: the rest of us didn't do that, and we were

106
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,680
Speaker 1: set on this path or we had to uncover all

107
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,520
Speaker 1: this sticky stuff. So uh. And the beautiful thing about

108
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,760
Speaker 1: How to Be Alone was that when I submitted that

109
00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:17,520
Speaker 1: book to my publisher, I was genuinely terrified because I'd

110
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:21,279
Speaker 1: never seen anybody talk about this really heavy stuff, and

111
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,080
Speaker 1: I was really worried people were going to be like,

112
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,520
Speaker 1: what's wrong with her? Why can't she just be normal

113
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:29,800
Speaker 1: like us? And I still to this day, you know,

114
00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:32,120
Speaker 1: the book's been out a while now, and I still

115
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,520
Speaker 1: to this day gets so many messages on Instagram from

116
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,960
Speaker 1: people who are like I thought I was the only one.

117
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,840
Speaker 1: I thought I was the only one who felt like this.

118
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,080
Speaker 1: I didn't know anybody else felt like this. It's like

119
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,280
Speaker 1: changed my life to realize other people can feel like this.

120
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:51,480
Speaker 1: So I think that's a big part of not feeling alone, really,

121
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,679
Speaker 1: I think is knowing there's other people who have walked

122
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:57,280
Speaker 1: similar paths, and when you feel like no one has

123
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,280
Speaker 1: walked your path, it's like extra alone. So part of

124
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,880
Speaker 1: why I wanted to write this was, yeah, share the

125
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,560
Speaker 1: things that I knew. And one of the biggest things

126
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:12,200
Speaker 1: that I talk about in the book is really realizing

127
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,200
Speaker 1: how much of what you're going through right now, the

128
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:21,080
Speaker 1: people that you're attracting, you know, through no conscious fault

129
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:26,280
Speaker 1: of our own, are really often based on those templates

130
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,200
Speaker 1: that we had when we were really young. If we

131
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:32,920
Speaker 1: were around people who treated us like we weren't worth anything, well,

132
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,000
Speaker 1: guess what, who are we around now? People who treat

133
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,960
Speaker 1: us like we're not worth anything? And it's not that

134
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,720
Speaker 1: we want that, And that was something I really wanted

135
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:45,799
Speaker 1: to dispel because there's a lot of like, there's people

136
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,400
Speaker 1: out there who have kind of a toxic positivity spin

137
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,200
Speaker 1: on it, and they're like, well, just get rid of them. Well,

138
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,760
Speaker 1: people who had a really rough upbringing can't just get

139
00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:57,159
Speaker 1: rid of them, because that's what we're used to, that's

140
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,039
Speaker 1: what we're weirdly comfortable with. We know how to deal

141
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,960
Speaker 1: with not getting enough, we know how to deal with,

142
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,520
Speaker 1: you know, always kind of feeling short changed, always, you

143
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:12,280
Speaker 1: know that kind of sometimes even abuse or neglect, we

144
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:16,680
Speaker 1: we understand it. It feels familiar, and so we kind

145
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,400
Speaker 1: of don't realize the water is getting hotter and hotter

146
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,640
Speaker 1: and it's burning us enough to like get out of

147
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,000
Speaker 1: the water. We're kind of like, I can stay in

148
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:29,640
Speaker 1: this a while longer. I'm really good at, you knowwithstanding this. So,

149
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,800
Speaker 1: I think that so much of the work of being

150
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,920
Speaker 1: able to be able to be alone, be able to

151
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:42,640
Speaker 1: be on your own, develop a friendship with yourself is

152
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,360
Speaker 1: to not hate the parts of you that are different

153
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,360
Speaker 1: than what you're being told you should be. Because that

154
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,239
Speaker 1: was really big for me where I was like, oh,

155
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,880
Speaker 1: why am I like this? Why can't I just be

156
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,600
Speaker 1: like them? Well? I had a different story than they had,

157
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,280
Speaker 1: and how do we instead of judging that, how do

158
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:02,800
Speaker 1: we have compassion for these things we went through that

159
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,120
Speaker 1: you know, maybe didn't make us like other people, but

160
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,800
Speaker 1: maybe made us better in some ways, maybe made us

161
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,720
Speaker 1: more interesting in some ways, maybe, you know, and kind

162
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:18,480
Speaker 1: of looking at myself the way that I would look

163
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,320
Speaker 1: at a friend, Like friends of mine have been through

164
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,560
Speaker 1: a lot of pain and trauma and survived a lot

165
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,440
Speaker 1: of stuff. I don't look at them like, oh my god,

166
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,320
Speaker 1: what a damaged freak. But like that was my kind

167
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,600
Speaker 1: of internal voice, like, oh, I'm never going to not

168
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,400
Speaker 1: be alone because I've survived too much. But I never

169
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,360
Speaker 1: looked at other people that way. So I think a

170
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:43,000
Speaker 1: lot of it is sitting with that discomfort, because a

171
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,000
Speaker 1: lot of people, when they keep choosing, you know, they

172
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,160
Speaker 1: don't want to be alone. They're avoiding it. What we're

173
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:53,640
Speaker 1: really avoiding is that conversation with ourselves where we admit

174
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,320
Speaker 1: how much pain we're in and the patterns we can't

175
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,400
Speaker 1: find our way out of. Where did they start? So

176
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,840
Speaker 1: it's a lot of that inner work. But you know,

177
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,720
Speaker 1: I'm sure you related to this as well, when you

178
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:13,720
Speaker 1: start to realize like, okay, but chasing this happiness, this

179
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,120
Speaker 1: love from this other person that's not working, and so

180
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,000
Speaker 1: you kind of hit that breaking point where you're like,

181
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,800
Speaker 1: all right, I think I have to choose myself because

182
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:27,319
Speaker 1: I keep just replaying the same pattern over and over again.

183
00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:30,880
Speaker 1: We have to like fix what's going on inside of us.

184
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think there's something so cool that you

185
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,960
Speaker 2: said too, and it's it was sticking out to me,

186
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,480
Speaker 2: was how you said we have the narrative that it's

187
00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:42,720
Speaker 2: better than it's better than being alone, it's better than

188
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,360
Speaker 2: not having relationships. And it's like that narrative is what

189
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,640
Speaker 2: I think keeps a lot of people. I know, it's

190
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,120
Speaker 2: what kept me in a lot of relationships. I'm like, well,

191
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,960
Speaker 2: it's better. It's better that you know then us, you know,

192
00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,440
Speaker 2: having a separate family and the kids being two houses

193
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,800
Speaker 2: and you know, it's better. It's better than us to

194
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,240
Speaker 2: saying like this is this is But I'm like, no, actually,

195
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,520
Speaker 2: that was the best thing that ever happened to me,

196
00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:06,880
Speaker 2: like once I got through the really hard hard times

197
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,000
Speaker 2: because it was woodbwished on like a worst enemy. And

198
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:14,200
Speaker 2: also I love my new life so much better. It's

199
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,559
Speaker 2: it's like a wild thing. But like that is what

200
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,240
Speaker 2: I thought, Well, it's better than you know, it's better

201
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,000
Speaker 2: than being alone and having a divorced family, because that's

202
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,080
Speaker 2: also what's been embedded in our brains too, and what

203
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,559
Speaker 2: we are literally supposed to or've been told to believe

204
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:28,880
Speaker 2: that that's what it is.

205
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,480
Speaker 1: That's so much of what it is, And so much

206
00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:35,800
Speaker 1: of that book was me piecing apart all of these

207
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,120
Speaker 1: ideas that I'd internalized and that we'd internalize, and looking

208
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,679
Speaker 1: at really where they stem from, and you're like, oh,

209
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,760
Speaker 1: this is really regressive, this is super misogynoust that like

210
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,040
Speaker 1: women have to wait for the man to come and rescue,

211
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:52,160
Speaker 1: even though a lot of women have internalized this idea

212
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,200
Speaker 1: that like, oh, we just need a man, any man

213
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,160
Speaker 1: that can't be right, and so how do we kind

214
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,480
Speaker 1: of and the same thing with family, like you know,

215
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:03,000
Speaker 1: I internalized like, well, you only get one family and

216
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,080
Speaker 1: you don't get any boundaries, and you got to just

217
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,880
Speaker 1: put up with whatever they do. Hell no, no, all

218
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,680
Speaker 1: of these messages are wrong. And you know, when you

219
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,760
Speaker 1: can kind of look outside yourself and say, oh, some

220
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,559
Speaker 1: of the pressure I'm putting on myself I don't even

221
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:18,080
Speaker 1: agree with.

222
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:34,760
Speaker 2: Right, there's something so true too, And right after this

223
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,760
Speaker 2: we'll go to the next things I really am excited

224
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,559
Speaker 2: to talk about as well. But we were at dinner.

225
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,040
Speaker 2: We were sitting at dinner and it was me and

226
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:44,200
Speaker 2: my daughter and my son and we were just talking

227
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,520
Speaker 2: about the day and Jace had said something about something

228
00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:49,440
Speaker 2: that he liked, and Julie goes, well, I don't like that.

229
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,800
Speaker 2: And then Jace had kind of you know, little brother

230
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,800
Speaker 2: and made like a little remark about you know, how

231
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,280
Speaker 2: could you not like that? And my daughter started to

232
00:11:58,280 --> 00:11:59,880
Speaker 2: get upset. I'm like, baby, what's wrong. She's like, I

233
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,360
Speaker 2: just like, I feel like sad that, like I'm the

234
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,720
Speaker 2: only one that doesn't like something that like my other

235
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,160
Speaker 2: friends like and Jace likes. And I'm and that's when

236
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,200
Speaker 2: I'm you know, that's when she starts to feel like

237
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,560
Speaker 2: she's not normal or something's wrong with her. And I

238
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,000
Speaker 2: was like, no, no, baby, and I was like that

239
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,600
Speaker 2: just made me think. I'm like, thank goodness, I at

240
00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:18,880
Speaker 2: least noticed that and then corrected it to be like

241
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,440
Speaker 2: it's okay. I was like, you know, I love to run,

242
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,559
Speaker 2: Alan doesn't love to run.

243
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:23,760
Speaker 1: You know.

244
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,600
Speaker 2: I'm trying to make some like and that's okay. Like

245
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,160
Speaker 2: people can have different things and like you're not different

246
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,760
Speaker 2: than like you just like it's like it's totally normal.

247
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,840
Speaker 2: But like, as a kid, I don't think we were

248
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,800
Speaker 2: ever corrected in those moments, you know.

249
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,200
Speaker 1: I my friend had to correct me the other day

250
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,079
Speaker 1: where I was just like, I don't know, I really

251
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,800
Speaker 1: don't like that movie. I know everybody loves it. I

252
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,360
Speaker 1: think it sucks. And my friend was like, why are

253
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,560
Speaker 1: you explaining why you hated this? And I was like,

254
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,760
Speaker 1: I don't know, because I feel weird that everybody likes it.

255
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,679
Speaker 1: I really don't like it, and I don't want to

256
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,600
Speaker 1: be like negative or whatever. I just it's really not

257
00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,320
Speaker 1: my thing. And he was just like, it's okay, you

258
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,240
Speaker 1: don't like it, and I was like, okay, oh yeah, right,

259
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,240
Speaker 1: be normal, be normal, be like everybody else. Even in

260
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,920
Speaker 1: so many ways, I've always been different. I've always been,

261
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,600
Speaker 1: you know, march to the beat of my own drummer.

262
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,760
Speaker 1: But it's so funny that even as adults, there's still

263
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,720
Speaker 1: these moments that are just like everyone likes that singer

264
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,400
Speaker 1: or that movie or whatever. You don't like them, what's

265
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,319
Speaker 1: wrong with you? Like what? I can make my own choices.

266
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,679
Speaker 2: I almost I almost don't like the Beatles, I think

267
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,880
Speaker 2: because I know everyone else likes them. So that's how

268
00:13:28,679 --> 00:13:32,319
Speaker 2: that's like my thing. Okay, you've got a new audiobook,

269
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,679
Speaker 2: so it's called you're not the only one looking up

270
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:38,160
Speaker 2: breaking the endless cycle of dating mistakes? And I just

271
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:42,280
Speaker 2: I mean, girl, give us, give us like everything if

272
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,680
Speaker 2: you can in the next like what is what do

273
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,440
Speaker 2: you think the biggest cycle in the dating world is?

274
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,880
Speaker 1: Oh man, So there's so many. You know. One of

275
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:56,360
Speaker 1: the things that we do so often is we are

276
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:01,280
Speaker 1: just kind of ignoring these red flags because we don't

277
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,280
Speaker 1: know if they're really red flags and if we're allowed

278
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,960
Speaker 1: to honestly, very similar to you know, talking about your daughter.

279
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,040
Speaker 1: Am I allowed to like this? Am I allowed to

280
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,200
Speaker 1: hate this? Am I allowed to think? This isn't enough

281
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,520
Speaker 1: for me? And so many of us are doing that

282
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:20,200
Speaker 1: because we are told like, well, we're told mixed messages, right,

283
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,440
Speaker 1: We're told from like the kind of girl boss you

284
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,560
Speaker 1: deserve more. We're told the like, don't settle for that.

285
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,280
Speaker 1: That's crap. He's a piece of crap. Like just this

286
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,840
Speaker 1: kind of like look for any little thing that you

287
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,520
Speaker 1: don't like, and it's a red flag. Everything's a red flag.

288
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,480
Speaker 1: So we have that, and then we also have well

289
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,600
Speaker 1: you got to give someone a chance. No one's perfect,

290
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,640
Speaker 1: you don't get everything you want. So we're told these

291
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:44,560
Speaker 1: really differing.

292
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,400
Speaker 3: Things, or at least the other one at least.

293
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,360
Speaker 2: So what I did too was well, it's not as

294
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,600
Speaker 2: bad as the last one, so it's better, right, and least.

295
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:58,440
Speaker 1: This is great? Like yes, right. So it's like there's

296
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,640
Speaker 1: all these different things about well what are and it

297
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,920
Speaker 1: really that kind of thing, you know, and people being

298
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,800
Speaker 1: on dating apps and kind of thinking, well, I really

299
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,280
Speaker 1: wish they would do this, but they're not, and maybe

300
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:15,280
Speaker 1: they can't offer that. I think I see so much

301
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,960
Speaker 1: second guessing and so much you know, in the in

302
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,520
Speaker 1: the book I talk a lot about I interview people

303
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:25,720
Speaker 1: from you know, different ages, different backgrounds, all these things,

304
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,200
Speaker 1: and have different stories from all these people about the

305
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:32,440
Speaker 1: mistakes they kept making over and over again. And the

306
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,040
Speaker 1: thing that I saw was so much second guessing and

307
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,120
Speaker 1: so much second guessing of our own self worth that

308
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:44,280
Speaker 1: I fully related to where you just start to think, well,

309
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,200
Speaker 1: what am I allowed to want? What am I allowed

310
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:51,000
Speaker 1: to need? And then also, and this is something I've

311
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,600
Speaker 1: talked a lot about in in all my books and

312
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:59,880
Speaker 1: all my work is like this idea that we we've internalized,

313
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,560
Speaker 1: that idea that like we're supposed to be a chill

314
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,720
Speaker 1: girl who has like no needs and is down for whatever.

315
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,600
Speaker 1: And I, throughout my entire career have railed against that

316
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:16,880
Speaker 1: because I personally think that women are almost always settling anyway.

317
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,920
Speaker 1: You know, every woman that I've met, everyone that I've

318
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,920
Speaker 1: talked to, is already like you know, you talk to

319
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,960
Speaker 1: so many men and they're just like, it doesn't matter

320
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,680
Speaker 1: who they are, what they're bringing to the table. So

321
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:33,400
Speaker 1: many so I'll give some added context here. I do

322
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,040
Speaker 1: a comedy show called Tinder Live, where I like go

323
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,640
Speaker 1: on my Tinder and I swipe through the worst, most

324
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:41,560
Speaker 1: chaotic profiles. And I've been doing it a long time,

325
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,440
Speaker 1: and the number of men's profiles that I see that

326
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,000
Speaker 1: are like, first of all, you better be a ten.

327
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:52,160
Speaker 1: You better shave every single thirty seconds. No kids, no fed.

328
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,800
Speaker 1: He's like this list of demands while he's bringing we

329
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,560
Speaker 1: have no idea what he's bringing to the table. And

330
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,600
Speaker 1: there's so many men who have this like wild confidence.

331
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,160
Speaker 1: Even if he looks like a thumb, it doesn't matter,

332
00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:06,359
Speaker 1: you know, and has like three dollars to his name.

333
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,920
Speaker 1: He still has this list of demands and you better

334
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,879
Speaker 1: bring it if you want whatever he's offering, which I

335
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,879
Speaker 1: think is like a pulse. And then women are like,

336
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,800
Speaker 1: well I would kind of like this, but if he

337
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,679
Speaker 1: doesn't have it, it's okay. Like we're so used to

338
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,200
Speaker 1: telling ourselves to not be too picky, not want too much,

339
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,240
Speaker 1: so I you know, that's and that's just so much

340
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,480
Speaker 1: of what I saw when I was talking to people

341
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,880
Speaker 1: where they're like, well, he did this thing. I thought

342
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,320
Speaker 1: it was kind of scary, but maybe it wasn't, you know.

343
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,919
Speaker 1: And I think that's so much of what and it

344
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,719
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be as extreme as that, but like

345
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,640
Speaker 1: that was kind of disappointing or I kind of wish

346
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,920
Speaker 1: he'd done this, but oh well, And that's where it starts.

347
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,680
Speaker 1: That's sort of like we're settling from the beginning because

348
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,440
Speaker 1: we don't want to be alone, you know.

349
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,520
Speaker 2: Right, But I also think too, like I I definitely know,

350
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,199
Speaker 2: and I've said this publicly many times, Like I know

351
00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:01,320
Speaker 2: I settled in my last relationship because I was almost

352
00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,000
Speaker 2: thirty one years old. I wanted to have a family. Yeah,

353
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,160
Speaker 2: he cheated on me, but it's okay. I've made mistakes

354
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,680
Speaker 2: to in my past like it's fine, like he won't

355
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:09,160
Speaker 2: do it again.

356
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:10,159
Speaker 3: Well, you know.

357
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,840
Speaker 2: So for me, it was one of those things where

358
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,959
Speaker 2: this next go around when I started dating, like I

359
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:20,040
Speaker 2: just will not settle because there I'm fine now being alone,

360
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,080
Speaker 2: Like I'm I'm totally fine now. I know there's not

361
00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,600
Speaker 2: a perfect person, but I'm not going to go ooh.

362
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,840
Speaker 2: I didn't really like the flags or the settling, like

363
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,600
Speaker 2: there's just there's just zero point, like why I've got

364
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:32,639
Speaker 2: two beautiful children.

365
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,840
Speaker 3: I'm you know, I'm good being alone.

366
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,639
Speaker 2: And so I do think, like I have a few

367
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,800
Speaker 2: girlfriends that are younger and they're like, well, this guy

368
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,520
Speaker 2: like sent me this video of the I'm like no,

369
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,879
Speaker 2: I'm like and I always compare and not you know,

370
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,720
Speaker 2: to say, like Alan, my fiance is a unicorn, but

371
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,000
Speaker 2: he is he is incredible, Like he's an incredible man.

372
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,760
Speaker 2: He loves me fiercely, and how he shows up is

373
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,359
Speaker 2: everything I could have. I didn't even think men like

374
00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:00,160
Speaker 2: that existed. And it's like that like some of these

375
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,800
Speaker 2: guys out there, I'm like, why would you expect? Why

376
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,919
Speaker 2: would you It's like it's a mind blowing because I'm

377
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,760
Speaker 2: like I am I was that girl to be like, well,

378
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,520
Speaker 2: it's not that bad, right, I'm like no, it's actually

379
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,560
Speaker 2: really bad, Like he should not be sending you videos

380
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,359
Speaker 2: of him like doing disgusting things with x Y And

381
00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:17,320
Speaker 2: I'm like no, like that's not a man I don't know.

382
00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:19,679
Speaker 3: And so it was just like it's so hard.

383
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,199
Speaker 2: To like be on the flip side of it too, going, girl, no,

384
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,399
Speaker 2: you can do so much better than that, like, don't

385
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,320
Speaker 2: just settle because you just want to be a relationship

386
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,160
Speaker 2: or have kids.

387
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,440
Speaker 3: So but the timeline with us too, though, is difficult.

388
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:35,760
Speaker 1: Right because it's so and we've also we've internalized this

389
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,520
Speaker 1: idea that like, well, you never know what your soulmate's

390
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,960
Speaker 1: going to be, like maybe he loves everything you hate.

391
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,560
Speaker 1: And it's like, wait, what, I find that hard to believe,

392
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,000
Speaker 1: Like we wouldn't do that when it comes to our friends,

393
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,360
Speaker 1: Like how many friends do you have like close friends

394
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,720
Speaker 1: who like are wildly opposite and you have almost nothing

395
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,920
Speaker 1: in common. But we have kind of internalized that, like, well, okay,

396
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,600
Speaker 1: there's a lot of red flags here to me, but

397
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,360
Speaker 1: maybe that is him. Because we do see these romantic

398
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:04,680
Speaker 1: comedies where it's like, oh I hated him at first.

399
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,399
Speaker 1: He was the worst man I'd ever met. That he

400
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,640
Speaker 1: was my soulmate, what I guess, But like I think

401
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 1: we you know, like, yeah, that happens sometimes that's your soulmate.

402
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,520
Speaker 1: But I feel like it's like being struck by lightning.

403
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:20,520
Speaker 1: That's probably not your soulmate. Is somebody who you think sucks.

404
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,760
Speaker 1: But I think that all of these things, you know, contribute,

405
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,919
Speaker 1: and the timeline of it. Women feel like, oh, I'm

406
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,800
Speaker 1: running out of time. I should have this, and the

407
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 1: cycle of comparison of like, well, my friends have already

408
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:39,359
Speaker 1: found people, but like, you know, one thing that I

409
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,040
Speaker 1: really want to note and that I talk about in

410
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,320
Speaker 1: this book as well, is like some of those people

411
00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:46,960
Speaker 1: might divorce. You don't know if their relationships are good,

412
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 1: your comparisons, Like all my friends have people, Well, how

413
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,280
Speaker 1: good are their relationships? And really look at them, and

414
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,600
Speaker 1: do your friends have a good relationship? Is that a

415
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,840
Speaker 1: relationship you'd want? Again, just kind of looking at the

416
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,120
Speaker 1: sure that we're putting on ourselves, I'm you know, it's

417
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,720
Speaker 1: so important to me to remind people that I do

418
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,440
Speaker 1: think that if you are meant to have a soulmate,

419
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,520
Speaker 1: if you're meant to have that love relationship, which I

420
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:18,600
Speaker 1: think most of us are. It'll happen even if you

421
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,960
Speaker 1: set standards, even if you say no such a point,

422
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,680
Speaker 1: nothing that's meant for you will miss you. I really

423
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,560
Speaker 1: believe that. So if you see that guy sending those

424
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,520
Speaker 1: videos and you're like, ough, not for me, He's not

425
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,960
Speaker 1: for you. And it's something I wish I knew so

426
00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:35,320
Speaker 1: much sooner, you know, which is so much of my

427
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:37,840
Speaker 1: work where I'm just like, how can I spare other

428
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,000
Speaker 1: people the stuff it took me so long to learn?

429
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:40,959
Speaker 3: You know, no totally.

430
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,040
Speaker 2: But it almost seems like everyone should read your first

431
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,080
Speaker 2: book book How to Be Alone, to then be able

432
00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 2: to now go, okay, you'll be a little bit more

433
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 2: equipped and not as hungry for the relationship if you

434
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:57,400
Speaker 2: know how to be alone totally.

435
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,520
Speaker 1: Well, and it's so and then I actually, so this

436
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,280
Speaker 1: is my third book. My second book came out almost

437
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,600
Speaker 1: a year ago, called You Will Find Your People How

438
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 1: to Make Meaningful Friendships as an adult. Because that's good,

439
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,760
Speaker 1: and I would say, because well, once you start, once

440
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,480
Speaker 1: you know, once I'd written how to Be Alone, I

441
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,159
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I'm in a better place to like

442
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,080
Speaker 1: make better friends. And then I realized that's hard as

443
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:24,639
Speaker 1: hell too, but you have to unpack all this other stuff.

444
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,400
Speaker 1: But I will say that, you know, having a really

445
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: great friend group is also such a great thing to

446
00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:34,639
Speaker 1: be able to have when you're dating. Because for a

447
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,760
Speaker 1: lot of my dating life, and I don't know if

448
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,960
Speaker 1: you had this too, I didn't have really great friends.

449
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,440
Speaker 1: So I was kind of looking and so many of

450
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,720
Speaker 1: us do this. I was looking for my romantic partner

451
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,399
Speaker 1: to be like everything.

452
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:48,600
Speaker 3: Yeah.

453
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,359
Speaker 2: Well, what I blame myself for not having good friends

454
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 2: is because I put my boyfriend above any friend pretty

455
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,960
Speaker 2: much for the longest of times ever. So it's that

456
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:01,160
Speaker 2: was always my issue of of course the greatest of friendships,

457
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,679
Speaker 2: because I was like, what do you want to do

458
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 2: this person like above above them?

459
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:08,600
Speaker 1: So but again, you know, and I like, I talk

460
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: about this in that book as well, where like we

461
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:15,600
Speaker 1: are taught to put friendships underneath romantic relationships. They're not

462
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: as good. You're supposed to save all of your energy

463
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:20,440
Speaker 1: for this perfect partner who's going to complete you. You

464
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,720
Speaker 1: actually don't need these friends. Friends are just you know,

465
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,520
Speaker 1: what you have before you meet your partner. That's so

466
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,879
Speaker 1: flawed because if anything goes wrong, with that relationship, you

467
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,000
Speaker 1: don't have anybody to talk to about it. Now you're

468
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,879
Speaker 1: in this bubble where it's just you and this other person.

469
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,080
Speaker 1: If you can't see clearly, you're gonna stay in that

470
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,120
Speaker 1: relationship so much longer. So I think it's it really

471
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 1: is this hierarchy of like you have to get be

472
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,680
Speaker 1: okay with being by yourself, really shore up those friendships

473
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,639
Speaker 1: because also the biggest thing that I learned when I

474
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:59,480
Speaker 1: started having better friendships is it was harder for me

475
00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:02,000
Speaker 1: to set up because I was like, the friends that

476
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,560
Speaker 1: I have in my life are bringing me this incredible energy,

477
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,399
Speaker 1: this incredible love, this effort, They're bringing all the stuff

478
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,920
Speaker 1: that I would want from a partner. Now, if somebody

479
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,080
Speaker 1: comes along in my dating life and they're not giving

480
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:16,159
Speaker 1: me that, please, I already see that this exists in

481
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:21,400
Speaker 1: my friendship. If you can't be as good as my friends, yeah,

482
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,040
Speaker 1: I don't need it. I don't need it.

483
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,919
Speaker 2: What do you think are the biggest red flags like

484
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,760
Speaker 2: in dating that our listeners should go? Okay, wait a

485
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:43,720
Speaker 2: minute now, she said, this is a big flag. I

486
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:44,840
Speaker 2: gotta be careful with this one.

487
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 1: So it's so funny because it's so hard to know,

488
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,360
Speaker 1: because there are some red flags that I don't think

489
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 1: are necessarily red flags. A lot of people talk about

490
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: as being red flags, But the biggest one, I would say,

491
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:05,080
Speaker 1: because sometimes they'll like, never trust this. There could be

492
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,399
Speaker 1: another side to that where that person's not necessarily the worst.

493
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 1: What I will say the biggest red flag. And this

494
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,359
Speaker 1: is so true for me looking back, noticing how you

495
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:21,040
Speaker 1: actually feel around them. If you don't feel good around them,

496
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 1: that is a red flag. And I say that might

497
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:28,399
Speaker 1: sound simple, but if you're used to we are so

498
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 1: socialized to not listen to ourselves, to second guess ourselves,

499
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,359
Speaker 1: to tell ourselves, you know, we're being too needy, too picky,

500
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,959
Speaker 1: too much of this. We're not, you know, just let

501
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:43,800
Speaker 1: it happen, let it unfold. Meanwhile, we're feeling really bad

502
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:48,200
Speaker 1: in this situation. We're feeling you know, uneasy about it,

503
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,600
Speaker 1: and we tell ourselves that that's just because we've been

504
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:57,040
Speaker 1: through some hardships, some pain, some trauma. I don't think so.

505
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:01,199
Speaker 1: I think that when you know when it is a

506
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:05,560
Speaker 1: good person, they're like a good person for you. They

507
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,720
Speaker 1: make you feel pretty at ease most of the time,

508
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:12,120
Speaker 1: even if you have a lot of anxiety which I do.

509
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 1: Even if you have an anxious attachment, which I talk

510
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,119
Speaker 1: a lot about attachment styles and things like that. You know,

511
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,680
Speaker 1: when we have those struggles, we tell ourselves that, well,

512
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 1: everyone's making us feel uneasy. It's just us, it's just me.

513
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:30,199
Speaker 1: I don't believe that, I really think, and that's not

514
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 1: saying that anybody who makes you, you know, feel a

515
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,800
Speaker 1: little bit anxious cut and run. I think there are

516
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:41,600
Speaker 1: conversations that can be had, but I think that you know,

517
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,639
Speaker 1: looking really looking at how somebody makes you feel, and

518
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,120
Speaker 1: you can verbalize those things. And so then I guess

519
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,760
Speaker 1: that brings me to the next red flag, which would

520
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:54,560
Speaker 1: be if they're not willing to give you what you'd need.

521
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,680
Speaker 1: And I say that because in so many of my relationships,

522
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:03,080
Speaker 1: friendships otherwise that I've had, I've told people, Hey, I

523
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 1: really need consistency from somebody. I want to know that

524
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,440
Speaker 1: when you say you're going to do something, you actually

525
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 1: do it, follow through. All that stuff is so important

526
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:14,399
Speaker 1: to me to feel like I can trust somebody.

527
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:15,880
Speaker 3: Words and actions need to match.

528
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,880
Speaker 1: Words and actions need to match. But you know, some

529
00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:21,200
Speaker 1: people will be like, oh my god, totally yeah, I'll

530
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,560
Speaker 1: do it, and then they don't do it, and I

531
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 1: would feel so crazy and I would be like, well,

532
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: people are human. Sometimes they're going to mess up. And

533
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,040
Speaker 1: you start to second guess yourself and think that you

534
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:36,920
Speaker 1: don't deserve consistency, you don't deserve words and actions matching up,

535
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,680
Speaker 1: and you do. And I think it's you know, it's

536
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 1: hard because we don't want to throw the baby out

537
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,160
Speaker 1: with the bath water. We don't want to, you know,

538
00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:50,080
Speaker 1: detonate an entire relationship just because of this. But again

539
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: that goes back to the like, how does this make

540
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,639
Speaker 1: you feel when you've asked for something and told them

541
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 1: why you need it, that you need it, and they're

542
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:02,080
Speaker 1: okay with letting you down. Why are you okay with

543
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: that with somebody who doesn't care. If you are now

544
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,600
Speaker 1: feeling extra anxious, extra discounted.

545
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 2: They should come to you and go, how can I

546
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,919
Speaker 2: help you with this? Instead of add more to it,

547
00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 2: don't add more layers onto.

548
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 1: It, right, And even if that's hard for them, you know,

549
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,639
Speaker 1: if they get distracted or whatever. I know, man, I

550
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 1: have a bunch of reminders on my phone, Like if

551
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,240
Speaker 1: you really love somebody and you know they need that,

552
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 1: calendar reminders, phone reminders, I don't know, like you either

553
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: think somebody is worth it or you don't. Yeah, that's

554
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,920
Speaker 1: really it, And then why are you okay with being

555
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: somebody who clearly doesn't think you're worth it? Lane?

556
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 2: I just enjoy everything you're doing. Thank you for coming

557
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,240
Speaker 2: on the show. Can you let our listeners know where

558
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 2: they can find you and everything that you're up to.

559
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm at Hello Lane Moore on Instagram and

560
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 1: Twitter and TikTok and all the things. You can find

561
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,680
Speaker 1: all of my books and tour dates. I do Tender

562
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,680
Speaker 1: Life every single month in New York City and I

563
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,600
Speaker 1: tour the country with it, coming out to La soon.

564
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:10,320
Speaker 1: That's at lanemore dot org. And yeah, you can find

565
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 1: all the links for my books and stuff like that.

566
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 1: And I have a podcast as well called I thought

567
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,240
Speaker 1: it was just me that talks about all this stuff

568
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,120
Speaker 1: on Patreon slash Lane Moore.

569
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 2: Awesome, Lane, thank you so much for coming on mine down.

570
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 2: Really appreciate you.

571
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, I appreciate you too, Thank you so much.

572
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 3: Okay, all right, bye, girl bye.

573
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,680
Speaker 2: Everyone go grab a copy of her new audiobook, You're

574
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,440
Speaker 2: Not the only One f and Up Breaking the Endless

575
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,520
Speaker 2: Cycle of Dating Mistakes, Available now