Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break
Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties, this topic today's episode,
Speaker 1: and the theories and thoughts we're going to be discussing.
Speaker 1: They've been massively inspired by a book I just finished
Speaker 1: reading that has completely changed my life. It is called
Speaker 1: The Courage to Be Disliked. This book is incredible. I
Speaker 1: truly recommend it. It basically teaches us what it means
Speaker 1: to live in total freedom, to become our best selves
Speaker 1: and actually live according to our wants, our purpose, our
Speaker 1: vision for life, instead of being I think, held back
Speaker 1: by the opinions and the expectations and the judgments of others.
Speaker 1: It made me take a very long, hard look at myself,
Speaker 1: and part of that was honestly assessing who am I
Speaker 1: actually living for these days. This philosophy, this idea that
Speaker 1: we can escape kind of Our need to constantly impress
Speaker 1: others and worry about what they think is one that
Speaker 1: I believe a lot of us in our twenties really
Speaker 1: need to hear. We needed to be reminded of and
Speaker 1: embrace this deep belief that what others think of us
Speaker 1: is one of the least important things about who we are.
Speaker 1: That constant concern for other people manifests in a lot
Speaker 1: of anxiety for us, anxiety that creates self judgment, self sabotage,
Speaker 1: self betrayal. And it's those reactions, that anxiety that informs
Speaker 1: our behavior. It causes us to act in certain ways.
Speaker 1: We want to conform, We want to be someone we're not.
Speaker 1: We want to say things that we don't believe, We
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable in our skin, and I think this creates
Speaker 1: a real disconnect that we're seeing more and more between
Speaker 1: the version of you who is perceived by others and
Speaker 1: the version of you that is real, the version of
Speaker 1: you that you actually like. And I think by having
Speaker 1: the courage to be disliked, even if it's uncomfortable, we
Speaker 1: bring those two versions of us back together, the version
Speaker 1: that other people see and the version of us that
Speaker 1: is truthful. So today we're going to discuss this. We're
Speaker 1: going to discuss by having the courage and the power
Speaker 1: to not be liked by everyone might actually be the
Speaker 1: secret to greater emotional satisfaction and just a better life.
Speaker 1: So we're going to break down where our need to
Speaker 1: be liked comes from, particularly ideas of social approval, why
Speaker 1: we worry about silly ideas like reputation, what that results in,
Speaker 1: particularly conformity, alienation, a loss of self. And I also
Speaker 1: want to discuss this idea that we have in Australia
Speaker 1: called tall Poppy syndrome, which really explains why society in
Speaker 1: general feels the need to tear down the brightest and
Speaker 1: the most authentic individuals in our society, perhaps as a
Speaker 1: projection of our own individual and collective insecurities. We see
Speaker 1: that so many times the people who really choose to
Speaker 1: be themselves and choose to just do what they would
Speaker 1: like in life and really represent their true desires and
Speaker 1: just have the courage to do that are often the
Speaker 1: ones that receive the most criticism, and I want to
Speaker 1: understand kind of why is that the case. We're also
Speaker 1: going to explore some of the consequences of what happens
Speaker 1: to us when we solely live for others. That's our family,
Speaker 1: our friends, our partners. What happens when we turn away
Speaker 1: from the pressure to impress other people, when we turn
Speaker 1: away from the pressure to be someone where not? I
Speaker 1: think that that is such an important philosophy that we
Speaker 1: need to adopt during this decade. If you want to
Speaker 1: perform at your highest level, if you want to be
Speaker 1: the happiest version of yourself, often one of the biggest
Speaker 1: things that is holding us back is the opinions of others.
Speaker 1: So today, if you're needing a confidence boost, if you've
Speaker 1: recently been on the receiving end of someone's negative opinions,
Speaker 1: negative judgments of you, or if you just want to
Speaker 1: decenter the assumptions and views of others, this episode is
Speaker 1: for you. So without further ado, let's jump into how
Speaker 1: we can embrace and live out our power to be disliked.
Speaker 1: So there is this really powerful quote from from Marcus Aurelius,
Speaker 1: this very famous Roman guy, and I think it captures
Speaker 1: our dislike of being disliked more than anything else I've
Speaker 1: ever heard. We all love ourselves more than other people,
Speaker 1: but we care more about their opinion than our own.
Speaker 1: It is really interesting that the only person who we
Speaker 1: truly know is ourselves, the only person we are ever
Speaker 1: going to have a relationship with our whole lives is ourselves.
Speaker 1: And yet we let that relationship, we let the love
Speaker 1: and forgiveness and kindness that we show ourselves be interrupted
Speaker 1: by the opinions of others who we may never even understand,
Speaker 1: who quite honestly, it's not our duty to understand. For
Speaker 1: some of us, that constant concern with being watched or
Speaker 1: judged is very clinical, and it's very chronic, and we
Speaker 1: can offer up a few explanations as to why. The
Speaker 1: first is the most severe. That is a social anxiety disorder.
Speaker 1: Social anxiety is more than just being shy. It is
Speaker 1: a constant state of stress and worry towards obtaining the
Speaker 1: approval of others, and often that leads to a lot
Speaker 1: of fear. It leads to a lot of avoidance where
Speaker 1: we might be the subject of criticism, where we might
Speaker 1: disappoint someone, where we might have to face unknowns, meet
Speaker 1: new people. And that is derived from an even I
Speaker 1: think deeper fear that we cannot control what other people
Speaker 1: think about us, and what they think about us at
Speaker 1: the end of the day really matters to a certain extent.
Speaker 1: I think it does. Other people's opinions are important, and
Speaker 1: a lot of that is very, very evolutionary. We talk
Speaker 1: about this a lot on the show because I think
Speaker 1: it's one of the very foundational principles of social connection.
Speaker 1: But humans have evolved as a community based species in
Speaker 1: the past. That meant we spent a lot of time
Speaker 1: in tribes or groups with the same people that we
Speaker 1: were exposed to on a daily basis, and our attachment
Speaker 1: to these groups was necessary for our survival. We found
Speaker 1: safety in numbers, it was easier to find food, to
Speaker 1: build shelter, to kind of increase our life expectancy. That
Speaker 1: need to be accepted and part of the group due
Speaker 1: to its kind of survival benefits, is deeply imprinted in
Speaker 1: our DNA. And historically, if one group didn't like us,
Speaker 1: if we were rejected or outcast, this meant bad things.
Speaker 1: It meant bad things for us, and so we've adapted
Speaker 1: to treat that threat of social rejection as a real danger.
Speaker 1: And that is why these days we experienced that fear
Speaker 1: around people not liking us, especially people who have some
Speaker 1: kind of social status or power or whose opinion means
Speaker 1: more to the group. We intrinsically don't want to be disliked.
Speaker 1: It is simple as that it creates great discomfort and
Speaker 1: it's bred by social comparison. It makes us really question
Speaker 1: our own value. And it also comes down to this
Speaker 1: idea of reputation. Reputation honestly great Taylor Swift album. But
Speaker 1: it's also such a strange concept to me because we
Speaker 1: don't really know where it comes from. You know, who
Speaker 1: starts someone's reputation? Like where does reputation emerge? It's like
Speaker 1: this collective idea that we have about someone that has
Speaker 1: no discernible origin, and yet it holds so much weight
Speaker 1: and influence, even on a micro personal scale, like when
Speaker 1: you meet someone you at a party who you've already
Speaker 1: heard about from a friend, and that implicitly means that
Speaker 1: you already have an opinion of them without even developing
Speaker 1: it from your own personal experiences, Like you've never met
Speaker 1: this person, but an idea of this person precedes them.
Speaker 1: In the modern day, we worry a lot more about
Speaker 1: reputation than we previously did, and also in very different ways,
Speaker 1: because we are very aware that we can be judged
Speaker 1: at any moment through social media. Obviously, reputation has always
Speaker 1: kind of somewhat matted because it's very symbolic of likability,
Speaker 1: of what kind of people think about you, and it
Speaker 1: was that reputation that would influence life outcomes. In a
Speaker 1: previous generation, when reputation was based on things like, you know, purity, holiness,
Speaker 1: chastity if you're a woman, and wealth and power if
Speaker 1: you were a man, and it really often determined your
Speaker 1: standing in the broader social hierarchy. But that reputation was
Speaker 1: also usually contained to your small community, so it mattered
Speaker 1: in that small group, but if you stepped beyond that group,
Speaker 1: it wasn't as important. Nowadays, we are facing kind of
Speaker 1: a new reality and new existence where really anyone can
Speaker 1: have an opinion on anyone else who has a digital footprint,
Speaker 1: and that makes us a lot more aware and attuned
Speaker 1: to other people's opinions of us through the fact that
Speaker 1: we can be not just perceived judged by others on
Speaker 1: a very limited amount of information. We live in that
Speaker 1: age of a constant digital spotlight where those kind of rudimentary,
Speaker 1: primal fears about the opinions of others and social rejection
Speaker 1: are expanded and exacerbated daily. I think we're also a
Speaker 1: whole lot more aware in a way of how quickly
Speaker 1: we can become hated or criticized because of what people
Speaker 1: choose to say about us online, what people choose to interpret.
Speaker 1: And that's so unnatural. It's so unnatural to be observed constantly,
Speaker 1: or to feel like you are being observed constantly. Because
Speaker 1: there is not a single person in this world who
Speaker 1: is perfect. There is not a single person who has
Speaker 1: not made mistakes. But because many of us have grown
Speaker 1: up online, especially those of us in our twenties, those
Speaker 1: past mistakes are out there for everybody to see, for
Speaker 1: everybody to think about, for everybody to observe. And we
Speaker 1: have this like real collective, weird obsession with trying to
Speaker 1: impose perfection on everybody, but also tear people down for
Speaker 1: just like the smallest things. So this is kind of
Speaker 1: all very much leading to my main point. My main
Speaker 1: point being we are overly concerned based on our psychology,
Speaker 1: based on our culture, based on our context with other
Speaker 1: people's opinions, and naturally so we want to stay in line,
Speaker 1: we want to be agreeable, and it's why so many,
Speaker 1: for so many of us, the smallest negative opinion can
Speaker 1: send us spiraling. It can cause us to feel like
Speaker 1: we could potentially become an outcast. It's really interesting when
Speaker 1: that person, the person who has this negative opinion, the
Speaker 1: person we're trying to impress, is someone that we actually
Speaker 1: barely know. Story for you about this based on when
Speaker 1: I was back at university, there was this guy I'm
Speaker 1: gonna call him Damien, and he was kind of like
Speaker 1: a friend of a friend. He was actually a close
Speaker 1: friend's roommate. I think we talked maybe once or twice,
Speaker 1: and probably for no longer than five minutes. And yet
Speaker 1: this guy, for whatever reason, he did not like me,
Speaker 1: and he made that really clear. And you know what,
Speaker 1: no matter what anybody else said, no matter how many
Speaker 1: other people I had in my life who loved me
Speaker 1: and cared for me and said it didn't matter, I
Speaker 1: could not stop obsessing over this one person. I could
Speaker 1: not stop thinking about Damien's opinion. Why is that? Well?
Speaker 1: I think the best explanation I can offer comes down
Speaker 1: to perfectionism and how we've been raised, particularly if you're
Speaker 1: a woman. We've been raised to be likable, to be agreeable,
Speaker 1: to keep the peace. It also stems from a lot
Speaker 1: of childhood experiences where you want to be a good person.
Speaker 1: You want people to validate you, you want people to
Speaker 1: praise you, you want people to include you. If you've
Speaker 1: been bullied or left out, those early memories, that sense
Speaker 1: of being excluded, of having someone hate you or being
Speaker 1: cruel to you, they have lifelong impacts. That leads to
Speaker 1: a lot of people pleasing tendencies because we instinctually do
Speaker 1: not want to feel that emotional pain of rejection ever again,
Speaker 1: and so we fawn, we appease, we say yes when
Speaker 1: we should say no. We let people walk all over us,
Speaker 1: because the thing that matters the most is that they
Speaker 1: like you, that you make them happy rather than yourself.
Speaker 1: And so when someone has a certain opinion or expresses criticism,
Speaker 1: that makes you feel like in some way you've failed,
Speaker 1: and it triggers a lot of that historical childhood alarm
Speaker 1: and fear that once again you are going to be
Speaker 1: alone or socially rejected. That fear response can come to
Speaker 1: control us, like I've spoken about, and a secondary consequence
Speaker 1: for this is that it is increasingly creating a generation
Speaker 1: of people who are living for others, people like you
Speaker 1: and I who are living according to what others expect,
Speaker 1: what other people think is cool, what's trendy, what's acceptable,
Speaker 1: rather than living according to who they actually want to be.
Speaker 1: I want to outline exactly what that means, how it
Speaker 1: really alters our behavior and the connection that we have
Speaker 1: to our true selves. I think the first consequence of
Speaker 1: this need to live for others is conformity. In psychology,
Speaker 1: a conformity really refers to trying to basically fit in
Speaker 1: or mirror the attitudes, the beliefs, the behaviors of those
Speaker 1: around us. It's called like the chameleon tendency, where depending
Speaker 1: on who we are with, we blend into our social
Speaker 1: surroundings by really looking to others to tell us what's normal.
Speaker 1: Because if we look like them, we act like them.
Speaker 1: They have no reason to out because to do so
Speaker 1: would mean that they would be expressing dislike for themselves,
Speaker 1: because that is who we are emulating. It just really
Speaker 1: breeds like a thousand clones of the same person. And
Speaker 1: every day that you wake up and choose to be
Speaker 1: someone that you think others will accept and like more,
Speaker 1: you are turning away from your authenticity. You are suppressing
Speaker 1: your true self. You are unconsciously locking away a part
Speaker 1: of you that deserves to be seen and deserves to
Speaker 1: be heard. This is known as self silencing, and it's
Speaker 1: the need to really suppress our own thoughts and feelings
Speaker 1: in order to appease others. This concept was initially only
Speaker 1: applied to women, but I think it really links to this.
Speaker 1: It's a lot more universal, firstly, and it links to
Speaker 1: a deeper idea of self abandonment. When we self abandon
Speaker 1: or conform in order to be liked, we withhold parts
Speaker 1: of ourselves in order for others to avoid discomfort with
Speaker 1: who we are. But in turn, we transfer that discomfort
Speaker 1: that other people might have with who we are and
Speaker 1: make ourselves uncomfortable. That is a sad truth. But you
Speaker 1: know what, when you do that, when you self abandon,
Speaker 1: when you self silence, you are hurting no one but yourself.
Speaker 1: Not only can that lead to a deeper sense of
Speaker 1: very very real alienation and never really truly knowing who
Speaker 1: you are. But the longer that we engage in this
Speaker 1: kind of internal silencing, the harder the habit is to break.
Speaker 1: It also makes you say things you don't believe, where
Speaker 1: things you're not comfortable in, make yourself small, and that
Speaker 1: is a size that you should never be not when
Speaker 1: life is this short. Additionally, if you pretend to kind
Speaker 1: of be someone else, you are pretending to be someone
Speaker 1: you're not, and that will only attract people who are
Speaker 1: attached to a version of you that isn't real, and
Speaker 1: so the relationships you form from that fake persona are
Speaker 1: going to be inherently artificial. I'm going to bring up
Speaker 1: another experience that I've had, because if you cannot tell,
Speaker 1: I am definitely someone who is very much trying to
Speaker 1: embrace the courage to be disliked after for a lot
Speaker 1: of years having a real deep fear of being disliked.
Speaker 1: I remember this time in high school where I tried
Speaker 1: so hard to pretend I was really into like punk music,
Speaker 1: like Screamer. I don't know, I don't know what it's called,
Speaker 1: but it was like punk. Obviously you can tell from
Speaker 1: how I just described it, I really didn't like it.
Speaker 1: I really had no idea what I was doing, but
Speaker 1: I wanted to impress certain people by pretending that we
Speaker 1: shared the same interests, when what I think I should
Speaker 1: have recognized was that I really liked Taylor Swift, I
Speaker 1: liked doing well in school, I liked reading I liked
Speaker 1: wearing like womans. I was that girl, and if I
Speaker 1: had embraced that, I would have attracted people who were
Speaker 1: more like minded. And maybe that would have meant that
Speaker 1: I had better friends in high school, more fulfilling relationships
Speaker 1: than the kind of friendships that I did end up having.
Speaker 1: I guess the point is is that when you create
Speaker 1: a facade a persona a fake version of yourself, and
Speaker 1: you begin to believe it, others around you begin to
Speaker 1: believe it as well, meaning that you are not ever
Speaker 1: going to feel at place in the groups where you
Speaker 1: truly belong. You're just going to be surrounded by people
Speaker 1: who don't genuinely like you for you. They like a curated,
Speaker 1: fake version of yourself. So when you start embracing the
Speaker 1: courage to be disliked, that is naturally going to mean
Speaker 1: that you are going to shad a few relationships. People
Speaker 1: get very attached to the version of you they expect
Speaker 1: and the version of you that they have created in
Speaker 1: their minds. I find that so often the reason that
Speaker 1: we see friendships fall apart or relationships fail is because
Speaker 1: people expect you to be one person. They expect you
Speaker 1: to meet their expectations of what they want from you,
Speaker 1: and when you decide to no longer do that, to
Speaker 1: say no, sof this is who I am. I've got
Speaker 1: my own opinions. I don't constantly want to be making
Speaker 1: you happy. I want to do what makes me happy.
Speaker 1: These people suddenly realize that, like, oh, this person isn't
Speaker 1: going to put up with this anymore. They don't care
Speaker 1: about my opinion. It's at that point that you are
Speaker 1: more clearly able to see what kind of life you
Speaker 1: would actually love to live, what the true version of
Speaker 1: you wants, and also who was just in your life
Speaker 1: because you fit into some preconceived notion of who they
Speaker 1: wanted you to be. I think that losing those people,
Speaker 1: perhaps even being disliked by them or hearing that you've changed,
Speaker 1: is a very small price to pay for the truth
Speaker 1: freedom of the self, the true freedom of the actual self. Obviously,
Speaker 1: there are some areas where a perception and an appreciation
Speaker 1: of other people's opinions is necessary. You don't want to
Speaker 1: offend others just for the sake of it, or to
Speaker 1: be cruel, or to turn into one of the people
Speaker 1: who made you initially feel really small. But it's also
Speaker 1: about realizing that your social circle not only changes but
Speaker 1: has layers and levels of closeness and prioritizing those that
Speaker 1: are more central by whilst you know, kind of disregarding
Speaker 1: those who aren't in those close three circles is really, really,
Speaker 1: really valuable. So I might explain this a little bit more.
Speaker 1: I visualize my kind of life and my social life
Speaker 1: in particular, like four circles, each circle kind of expanding
Speaker 1: just beyond the last circle, getting larger and larger. You're
Speaker 1: in the middle, You're the most important circle. Then comes family,
Speaker 1: close friends, your partner, friends you see every now and again,
Speaker 1: maybe coworkers, acquaintances, and then finally just like strangers, and
Speaker 1: included in that are people who might not like you.
Speaker 1: The closest three circles, including you, your family, your loved ones,
Speaker 1: they are all that matter. The opinions of those people
Speaker 1: are the only ones that matter because they are mutually supportive.
Speaker 1: Because these people love you, they're not trying to tear
Speaker 1: you down. So when we think about you know, once
Speaker 1: again the courage to be disliked. If the person whose
Speaker 1: opinion you are worried about sits beyond those three circles,
Speaker 1: there is no point listening to them, because if you
Speaker 1: were to become really ill tomorrow, if something terrible was
Speaker 1: to happen, they would not be the ones sitting there
Speaker 1: by your side supporting you. So in your good times
Speaker 1: you don't deserve to listen to them either. I know
Speaker 1: that cutting those people out, disregarding their opinion, ignoring them
Speaker 1: in some ways is easier said than done, because often,
Speaker 1: as we've described, the opinions of others have this very
Speaker 1: subtle way of influencing our behaviors on a very unconscious level.
Speaker 1: So how do we escape that pressure? You know, obviously
Speaker 1: this is very by its very evolutionary, very primal to
Speaker 1: care about what other people think. So what do we
Speaker 1: need to tell ourselves? What do we need to do
Speaker 1: when that self consciousness kind of sneaks in and threatens
Speaker 1: to keep us at the behest of the opinions of
Speaker 1: others who don't care about you and be don't matter. Well,
Speaker 1: we are going to discuss the four ways that you
Speaker 1: can embrace the courage to be disliked after this shortbreak.
Speaker 1: There are four things that I want you to remember
Speaker 1: when it comes to being disliked. Number one, not everyone
Speaker 1: is going to like you, and that is something that
Speaker 1: you can't change. But number two, you are never going
Speaker 1: to be criticized by someone who is doing better than you. Thirdly,
Speaker 1: often someone else's dislike all negative judgments are really a
Speaker 1: projection of their own insecurities. And finally, we can use
Speaker 1: their criticism they're dislike as fuel for our advantage. As motivation.
Speaker 1: There is quite literally nothing more inspiring and motivating than
Speaker 1: someone telling you that you can't do something, or someone
Speaker 1: trying to bring you down, or who is not comfortable
Speaker 1: with your success, who feels the need to criticize you,
Speaker 1: Because implicitly, when that happens, we now feel like we
Speaker 1: have something to prove, and that is like, actually such
Speaker 1: a motivating force. It's also that in that moment we
Speaker 1: become a lot better with embracing the courage to be
Speaker 1: disliked because we realize that other people's opinions or appraisals
Speaker 1: of you, as I've said before, have a lot more
Speaker 1: to do with them than us. You can read any
Speaker 1: comments section on YouTube or TikTok or Instagram and you
Speaker 1: will see hundreds of people ready to say anything that's
Speaker 1: going to bring someone down, especially people who are doing
Speaker 1: their own shit, who are in their own lane who
Speaker 1: are confident, who know what their life is about. And
Speaker 1: you know what the common denominator is in those situations.
Speaker 1: It's not the person on the receiving end, it's not
Speaker 1: the content that they make. It is these people, this
Speaker 1: group of people who are unhappy with themselves and who
Speaker 1: feel the need to pull others down because it gives
Speaker 1: them a mental and emotional boost. So it's really interesting
Speaker 1: because they've started doing studies on this, particularly around trolling
Speaker 1: and kind of cyberbulling, and this recent study that was
Speaker 1: published in the cyber Psychology Journal, it found that people
Speaker 1: with lower self esteem are more likely to engage in
Speaker 1: activities like internet trolling than anybody else. And the people
Speaker 1: who do that, those traits are also more associated with
Speaker 1: psychopathy and with receiving pleasure from the distress and takedown
Speaker 1: of others. And that is such a then problem that
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with you. The same goes for
Speaker 1: real life interactions. Obviously we're talking about like a social
Speaker 1: media space here, but let's think about my old friend Damien,
Speaker 1: my old university friend Damien. There is something deeper in
Speaker 1: that person's psychology that leads them to these kind of
Speaker 1: pathological chronic takedowns, and the worst thing we can do
Speaker 1: is actually believe that the opinions of these people matter.
Speaker 1: When I think about him, I'm like, he had only
Speaker 1: really met me twice. What was it about them that
Speaker 1: gave them such kind of a sick obsession fascination with
Speaker 1: making me feel bad about myself? Because I'm pretty sure
Speaker 1: that as soon as I moved on, he found someone
Speaker 1: else to project that hate to. I know it's a
Speaker 1: classic quote, but like Michelle Obama Boss Lady, she always
Speaker 1: says it, when they go low, we go high. So
Speaker 1: not only does that give you a much needed self
Speaker 1: esteem boost, who look at that situation and go okay?
Speaker 1: The reason this person has this opinion probably has nothing
Speaker 1: to do with me and everything to do with the
Speaker 1: fact that they are not happy with themselves. But these
Speaker 1: individuals have much bigger problems than their opinion about you,
Speaker 1: And if they have something to say, that probably means
Speaker 1: you're doing something right. This is where I really want
Speaker 1: to introduce this concept called tall poppy syndrome that is
Speaker 1: really common in Australia. So in Australia, tall poppy syndrome
Speaker 1: is this idea that the best flowers, the tallest flowers,
Speaker 1: the ones that bloom the first are also the first
Speaker 1: to be cut down. And that analogy applies to our lives.
Speaker 1: The people who shine the brightest, the people who are
Speaker 1: least afraid to be themselves, who shoot up, who are successful,
Speaker 1: who are confident, they are always going to be the
Speaker 1: first ones who are targeted with takedowns. And it's so frustrating,
Speaker 1: But what we realize is that in those moments, you
Speaker 1: are the tallest flower in the field. You are the
Speaker 1: tall poppy. That is why you are receiving the resentment
Speaker 1: from others. Once again, you are never going to be
Speaker 1: judged by someone who is doing better than you because
Speaker 1: they are probably already secure in themselves. They know what
Speaker 1: it's like to be in your position. They want you
Speaker 1: to succeed, and they know their worth without needing to
Speaker 1: compare or tear you down. And those are the people
Speaker 1: that you should surround yourself with when you are embracing
Speaker 1: that courage to be disliked. The difference these people make
Speaker 1: in your life is incredible. I've seen it myself. I've
Speaker 1: really been on this journey of kind of realizing that
Speaker 1: if I want to grow further, if I want to
Speaker 1: be a better version of myself. I have to be
Speaker 1: peakier about the people I choose to spend my time around.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't necessarily mean meeting people and being like no,
Speaker 1: you can't be my friend, but more so being like, okay,
Speaker 1: if I want this in a circle, I want to
Speaker 1: make sure these people are making me feel good about myself.
Speaker 1: And so I've really been surrounding myself with women who
Speaker 1: want nothing but success for those around them, who collaborate,
Speaker 1: who lift each other up. And it's something I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful for because for so long I really prioritized hanging out, socializing,
Speaker 1: interacting with people who didn't like me, because I had
Speaker 1: this compulsion to make them like me. That was like
Speaker 1: the biggest prize. But now I've started really protecting the
Speaker 1: relationships that bring me joy, and the relationships with people
Speaker 1: who not that they won't criticize me, not that they
Speaker 1: won't call me out, but who are willing to just
Speaker 1: be in my corner. Alongside that, I think it's also
Speaker 1: important to be okay with the fact that you're not
Speaker 1: going to be everybody's cup of tea, and not being
Speaker 1: everybody's cup of tea also involves gradually removing and reducing
Speaker 1: our emotional reliance on the validation of others. So psychologists
Speaker 1: generally identify two sources of validation, external validation, which comes
Speaker 1: from the acknowledgment of others, and internal validation, which comes
Speaker 1: from our own positive attributes, positive self beliefs, strengths, and achievements.
Speaker 1: When we rely on external validation, often this has come
Speaker 1: from us being gradually trained to do that, especially in
Speaker 1: the kind of educational environments that we have been raised in,
Speaker 1: where we want the praise, we want the approval of
Speaker 1: other people. We seek the admiration of those we see
Speaker 1: is better than us. However, if you constantly look to
Speaker 1: external approval for your self worth, your self worth is
Speaker 1: never going to be stable because the opinions of others
Speaker 1: are not consistent or reliable. They are fickle because humans
Speaker 1: are fickle, and it's only going to take one small comment,
Speaker 1: one small feeling of rejection, one small moment, to completely
Speaker 1: destroy your self worth because it is bound up in
Speaker 1: the actions of people and the thoughts of people who
Speaker 1: you cannot control, who you have no say in. So
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, what is it that
Speaker 1: you like about yourself that has a absolutely no attachment
Speaker 1: to others, What do you like about yourself that people
Speaker 1: would maybe be surprised to know, Like it's a little private,
Speaker 1: secret source of self love. It could be that you
Speaker 1: feel really intense joy towards like the smallest things, that
Speaker 1: you like people watching, or that you're creative. It might
Speaker 1: be that your dreams are really interesting, that you love
Speaker 1: very deeply, that you are dedicated to your goals, that
Speaker 1: you are spiritual, that you have a great music taste,
Speaker 1: that you have some secret special talent, private things about
Speaker 1: yourself that you love and reinforce those things above all else.
Speaker 1: Remind yourself of them as much as you can, and
Speaker 1: go on to cultivate them even more. When you are
Speaker 1: so focused on what you bring to the world, how
Speaker 1: amazing you are, you become this impenetrable force of self love.
Speaker 1: I also like to imagine when I really feel the
Speaker 1: need to please certain people or to make them like me,
Speaker 1: I imagine this like big golden bubble expanding out from my
Speaker 1: heart that surrounds me, that protects me, that makes me magnetic,
Speaker 1: and it kind of goes on to engulf everybody else
Speaker 1: and make them feel like they can also be authentic
Speaker 1: and true in my presence. It's like that these visualization exercises,
Speaker 1: this golden bubble allows me to escape my anxiety by
Speaker 1: really focusing on a comforting mental imagery. This tool has
Speaker 1: been so powerful for me. It makes me so confident.
Speaker 1: It's like a protective shield against other people's judgments. Where
Speaker 1: I can acknowledge that maybe someone's looking at my outfit
Speaker 1: and going like, oh, I don't like that, or someone
Speaker 1: I've met once has a bad impression of me, or anything,
Speaker 1: but that doesn't matter. It just bounces off me. I'm
Speaker 1: in my golden bubble. I also want to say one
Speaker 1: final reminder. Each day, each moment, you are presented with
Speaker 1: the opportunity to be your best self. And you can
Speaker 1: either choose to live authentically and passionately and in your
Speaker 1: own power, or you can choose to mask that version
Speaker 1: of you. You can choose to minimize your goals, your values,
Speaker 1: your passion, your identity because you're scared of what other
Speaker 1: people think. It is your responsibility to choose which version
Speaker 1: you want to be, not anybody else's, not your family,
Speaker 1: not your friends, only you. So visualize that version of you,
Speaker 1: that version of you that doesn't care what people think,
Speaker 1: that doesn't care if people don't agree with what they're
Speaker 1: doing because they believe in it. Who doesn't care if
Speaker 1: people like what they wear, doesn't care if people think
Speaker 1: they look trendy, doesn't care if people have some weird
Speaker 1: negative opinion of them, because they love themselves and what yourself?
Speaker 1: Become that version, imagine speaking to that version. Act from
Speaker 1: a place of that version of yourself. Ask yourself, in
Speaker 1: moments where you are trying to be more likable or
Speaker 1: trying to make other people like you more, what would
Speaker 1: that version of you two? What would that authentic version
Speaker 1: of you say? How would they act in this situation?
Speaker 1: I was saying this to a friend the other day.
Speaker 1: But it's also really impossible to criticize or have anything
Speaker 1: negative to say about someone who is just so clearly
Speaker 1: knows who the fuck they are, who is just so
Speaker 1: clearly embodying their authentic self. We all know those people,
Speaker 1: We see those people. So you should become that person
Speaker 1: by embracing the fact that not everybody is going to
Speaker 1: like you, and that is totally okay. In fact, it's
Speaker 1: probably a good sign. It's probably beneficial because, like we
Speaker 1: said before, it means you're doing something right. It means
Speaker 1: they've never seen anybody like you before. It means that
Speaker 1: you are so comfortable in your own power that this
Speaker 1: person's opinion cannot harm you. The world is so small,
Speaker 1: life is so short. You are just kind of a
Speaker 1: grain of sand in the universe, and you're living amongst
Speaker 1: a million, billion, billion other grains of sand. So it
Speaker 1: doesn't need to be that meaningful. Someone else's opinion doesn't
Speaker 1: need to ruin your day, doesn't need to ruin your life.
Speaker 1: Because when you hold on to something that has slipped
Speaker 1: out of someone's mouth, something that someone has said behind
Speaker 1: your back, something that has come through the grape vine
Speaker 1: that's not ruining their day, thinking about it more isn't
Speaker 1: hurting them, it's hurting you. And so you have to
Speaker 1: make a choice of like, am I going to continue
Speaker 1: thinking about this, or am I going to realize that
Speaker 1: the only people's opinions of matter that matter to me
Speaker 1: are my own and the people who I love. I
Speaker 1: think that's a really beautiful place to end it, and
Speaker 1: I want to thank you so much for listening to
Speaker 1: today's episode. I know it was quite rambly, I know
Speaker 1: it was quite philosophical, maybe less psychological, but I really
Speaker 1: cannot state it enough. That book was amazing. It's really
Speaker 1: changed my mind on so many things and really opened
Speaker 1: my eyes to the fact I think I've spent a
Speaker 1: lot of my life caring about what other people think,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to care about it anymore. And
Speaker 1: I think that when I've started to adopt that philosophy,
Speaker 1: it's made me a much better person, a much more
Speaker 1: powerful person, a much happier person, to just be more
Speaker 1: secure and who I am. So I hope that I
Speaker 1: really yeah, I hope that's something that you can find
Speaker 1: as well. For every single one of you listening. If
Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, as always, please feel free to
Speaker 1: share it with someone who you think might enjoy it
Speaker 1: as well, or leave a five star review. It really
Speaker 1: helps the show to grow and reach new people. If
Speaker 1: you don't already, you can follow us on Instagram at
Speaker 1: that Psychology Podcast. We are currently taking episode suggestions for
Speaker 1: twenty twenty four, So if there's something going on in
Speaker 1: your life, going on in your twenties and you want
Speaker 1: to understand it more, you want to know what's going on,
Speaker 1: please feel free to send it to me over there,
Speaker 1: and we will be back next week with another episode.