1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,640 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,000 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break 8 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: down the psychology of our twenties, this topic today's episode, 9 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,120 Speaker 1: and the theories and thoughts we're going to be discussing. 10 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,519 Speaker 1: They've been massively inspired by a book I just finished 11 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,520 Speaker 1: reading that has completely changed my life. It is called 12 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,680 Speaker 1: The Courage to Be Disliked. This book is incredible. I 13 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 1: truly recommend it. It basically teaches us what it means 14 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,080 Speaker 1: to live in total freedom, to become our best selves 15 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: and actually live according to our wants, our purpose, our 16 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:10,760 Speaker 1: vision for life, instead of being I think, held back 17 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 1: by the opinions and the expectations and the judgments of others. 18 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,720 Speaker 1: It made me take a very long, hard look at myself, 19 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:24,679 Speaker 1: and part of that was honestly assessing who am I 20 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:28,480 Speaker 1: actually living for these days. This philosophy, this idea that 21 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,960 Speaker 1: we can escape kind of Our need to constantly impress 22 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 1: others and worry about what they think is one that 23 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,040 Speaker 1: I believe a lot of us in our twenties really 24 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: need to hear. We needed to be reminded of and 25 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 1: embrace this deep belief that what others think of us 26 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,880 Speaker 1: is one of the least important things about who we are. 27 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: That constant concern for other people manifests in a lot 28 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:57,480 Speaker 1: of anxiety for us, anxiety that creates self judgment, self sabotage, 29 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: self betrayal. And it's those reactions, that anxiety that informs 30 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: our behavior. It causes us to act in certain ways. 31 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,440 Speaker 1: We want to conform, We want to be someone we're not. 32 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: We want to say things that we don't believe, We 33 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable in our skin, and I think this creates 34 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,920 Speaker 1: a real disconnect that we're seeing more and more between 35 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,640 Speaker 1: the version of you who is perceived by others and 36 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 1: the version of you that is real, the version of 37 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,520 Speaker 1: you that you actually like. And I think by having 38 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 1: the courage to be disliked, even if it's uncomfortable, we 39 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 1: bring those two versions of us back together, the version 40 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: that other people see and the version of us that 41 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:43,320 Speaker 1: is truthful. So today we're going to discuss this. We're 42 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,000 Speaker 1: going to discuss by having the courage and the power 43 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 1: to not be liked by everyone might actually be the 44 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: secret to greater emotional satisfaction and just a better life. 45 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:58,800 Speaker 1: So we're going to break down where our need to 46 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: be liked comes from, particularly ideas of social approval, why 47 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: we worry about silly ideas like reputation, what that results in, 48 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:11,760 Speaker 1: particularly conformity, alienation, a loss of self. And I also 49 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,600 Speaker 1: want to discuss this idea that we have in Australia 50 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,600 Speaker 1: called tall Poppy syndrome, which really explains why society in 51 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:23,560 Speaker 1: general feels the need to tear down the brightest and 52 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: the most authentic individuals in our society, perhaps as a 53 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 1: projection of our own individual and collective insecurities. We see 54 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: that so many times the people who really choose to 55 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,040 Speaker 1: be themselves and choose to just do what they would 56 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: like in life and really represent their true desires and 57 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,600 Speaker 1: just have the courage to do that are often the 58 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 1: ones that receive the most criticism, and I want to 59 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 1: understand kind of why is that the case. We're also 60 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: going to explore some of the consequences of what happens 61 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: to us when we solely live for others. That's our family, 62 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,600 Speaker 1: our friends, our partners. What happens when we turn away 63 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: from the pressure to impress other people, when we turn 64 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: away from the pressure to be someone where not? I 65 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,720 Speaker 1: think that that is such an important philosophy that we 66 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: need to adopt during this decade. If you want to 67 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,279 Speaker 1: perform at your highest level, if you want to be 68 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 1: the happiest version of yourself, often one of the biggest 69 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:28,280 Speaker 1: things that is holding us back is the opinions of others. 70 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 1: So today, if you're needing a confidence boost, if you've 71 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: recently been on the receiving end of someone's negative opinions, 72 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 1: negative judgments of you, or if you just want to 73 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: decenter the assumptions and views of others, this episode is 74 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,760 Speaker 1: for you. So without further ado, let's jump into how 75 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,920 Speaker 1: we can embrace and live out our power to be disliked. 76 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:01,479 Speaker 1: So there is this really powerful quote from from Marcus Aurelius, 77 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 1: this very famous Roman guy, and I think it captures 78 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: our dislike of being disliked more than anything else I've 79 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: ever heard. We all love ourselves more than other people, 80 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 1: but we care more about their opinion than our own. 81 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 1: It is really interesting that the only person who we 82 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 1: truly know is ourselves, the only person we are ever 83 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,960 Speaker 1: going to have a relationship with our whole lives is ourselves. 84 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,239 Speaker 1: And yet we let that relationship, we let the love 85 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: and forgiveness and kindness that we show ourselves be interrupted 86 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,599 Speaker 1: by the opinions of others who we may never even understand, 87 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 1: who quite honestly, it's not our duty to understand. For 88 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: some of us, that constant concern with being watched or 89 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:50,120 Speaker 1: judged is very clinical, and it's very chronic, and we 90 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,200 Speaker 1: can offer up a few explanations as to why. The 91 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 1: first is the most severe. That is a social anxiety disorder. 92 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,240 Speaker 1: Social anxiety is more than just being shy. It is 93 00:06:00,279 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 1: a constant state of stress and worry towards obtaining the 94 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: approval of others, and often that leads to a lot 95 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,599 Speaker 1: of fear. It leads to a lot of avoidance where 96 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,200 Speaker 1: we might be the subject of criticism, where we might 97 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:16,680 Speaker 1: disappoint someone, where we might have to face unknowns, meet 98 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: new people. And that is derived from an even I 99 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: think deeper fear that we cannot control what other people 100 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 1: think about us, and what they think about us at 101 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 1: the end of the day really matters to a certain extent. 102 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: I think it does. Other people's opinions are important, and 103 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: a lot of that is very, very evolutionary. We talk 104 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 1: about this a lot on the show because I think 105 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 1: it's one of the very foundational principles of social connection. 106 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:49,359 Speaker 1: But humans have evolved as a community based species in 107 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,520 Speaker 1: the past. That meant we spent a lot of time 108 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 1: in tribes or groups with the same people that we 109 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,680 Speaker 1: were exposed to on a daily basis, and our attachment 110 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 1: to these groups was necessary for our survival. We found 111 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,160 Speaker 1: safety in numbers, it was easier to find food, to 112 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 1: build shelter, to kind of increase our life expectancy. That 113 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: need to be accepted and part of the group due 114 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 1: to its kind of survival benefits, is deeply imprinted in 115 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 1: our DNA. And historically, if one group didn't like us, 116 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: if we were rejected or outcast, this meant bad things. 117 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 1: It meant bad things for us, and so we've adapted 118 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: to treat that threat of social rejection as a real danger. 119 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: And that is why these days we experienced that fear 120 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: around people not liking us, especially people who have some 121 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: kind of social status or power or whose opinion means 122 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:51,240 Speaker 1: more to the group. We intrinsically don't want to be disliked. 123 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 1: It is simple as that it creates great discomfort and 124 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 1: it's bred by social comparison. It makes us really question 125 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: our own value. And it also comes down to this 126 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:08,240 Speaker 1: idea of reputation. Reputation honestly great Taylor Swift album. But 127 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 1: it's also such a strange concept to me because we 128 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 1: don't really know where it comes from. You know, who 129 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 1: starts someone's reputation? Like where does reputation emerge? It's like 130 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: this collective idea that we have about someone that has 131 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: no discernible origin, and yet it holds so much weight 132 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 1: and influence, even on a micro personal scale, like when 133 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: you meet someone you at a party who you've already 134 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: heard about from a friend, and that implicitly means that 135 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: you already have an opinion of them without even developing 136 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 1: it from your own personal experiences, Like you've never met 137 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,760 Speaker 1: this person, but an idea of this person precedes them. 138 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,439 Speaker 1: In the modern day, we worry a lot more about 139 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:54,360 Speaker 1: reputation than we previously did, and also in very different ways, 140 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,640 Speaker 1: because we are very aware that we can be judged 141 00:08:57,240 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: at any moment through social media. Obviously, reputation has always 142 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,080 Speaker 1: kind of somewhat matted because it's very symbolic of likability, 143 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,600 Speaker 1: of what kind of people think about you, and it 144 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,319 Speaker 1: was that reputation that would influence life outcomes. In a 145 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: previous generation, when reputation was based on things like, you know, purity, holiness, 146 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: chastity if you're a woman, and wealth and power if 147 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,559 Speaker 1: you were a man, and it really often determined your 148 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:28,840 Speaker 1: standing in the broader social hierarchy. But that reputation was 149 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:33,360 Speaker 1: also usually contained to your small community, so it mattered 150 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,439 Speaker 1: in that small group, but if you stepped beyond that group, 151 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: it wasn't as important. Nowadays, we are facing kind of 152 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: a new reality and new existence where really anyone can 153 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: have an opinion on anyone else who has a digital footprint, 154 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: and that makes us a lot more aware and attuned 155 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:56,600 Speaker 1: to other people's opinions of us through the fact that 156 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 1: we can be not just perceived judged by others on 157 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: a very limited amount of information. We live in that 158 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 1: age of a constant digital spotlight where those kind of rudimentary, 159 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: primal fears about the opinions of others and social rejection 160 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 1: are expanded and exacerbated daily. I think we're also a 161 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: whole lot more aware in a way of how quickly 162 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: we can become hated or criticized because of what people 163 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,679 Speaker 1: choose to say about us online, what people choose to interpret. 164 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: And that's so unnatural. It's so unnatural to be observed constantly, 165 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 1: or to feel like you are being observed constantly. Because 166 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,200 Speaker 1: there is not a single person in this world who 167 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 1: is perfect. There is not a single person who has 168 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: not made mistakes. But because many of us have grown 169 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 1: up online, especially those of us in our twenties, those 170 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,640 Speaker 1: past mistakes are out there for everybody to see, for 171 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,440 Speaker 1: everybody to think about, for everybody to observe. And we 172 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: have this like real collective, weird obsession with trying to 173 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,360 Speaker 1: impose perfection on everybody, but also tear people down for 174 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,760 Speaker 1: just like the smallest things. So this is kind of 175 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 1: all very much leading to my main point. My main 176 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 1: point being we are overly concerned based on our psychology, 177 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,640 Speaker 1: based on our culture, based on our context with other 178 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 1: people's opinions, and naturally so we want to stay in line, 179 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: we want to be agreeable, and it's why so many, 180 00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 1: for so many of us, the smallest negative opinion can 181 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: send us spiraling. It can cause us to feel like 182 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 1: we could potentially become an outcast. It's really interesting when 183 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 1: that person, the person who has this negative opinion, the 184 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:58,080 Speaker 1: person we're trying to impress, is someone that we actually 185 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,719 Speaker 1: barely know. Story for you about this based on when 186 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 1: I was back at university, there was this guy I'm 187 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,199 Speaker 1: gonna call him Damien, and he was kind of like 188 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,400 Speaker 1: a friend of a friend. He was actually a close 189 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 1: friend's roommate. I think we talked maybe once or twice, 190 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,960 Speaker 1: and probably for no longer than five minutes. And yet 191 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,080 Speaker 1: this guy, for whatever reason, he did not like me, 192 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,520 Speaker 1: and he made that really clear. And you know what, 193 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,199 Speaker 1: no matter what anybody else said, no matter how many 194 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,000 Speaker 1: other people I had in my life who loved me 195 00:12:32,559 --> 00:12:35,400 Speaker 1: and cared for me and said it didn't matter, I 196 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:39,960 Speaker 1: could not stop obsessing over this one person. I could 197 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: not stop thinking about Damien's opinion. Why is that? Well? 198 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,839 Speaker 1: I think the best explanation I can offer comes down 199 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: to perfectionism and how we've been raised, particularly if you're 200 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 1: a woman. We've been raised to be likable, to be agreeable, 201 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 1: to keep the peace. It also stems from a lot 202 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: of childhood experiences where you want to be a good person. 203 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,840 Speaker 1: You want people to validate you, you want people to 204 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: praise you, you want people to include you. If you've 205 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,600 Speaker 1: been bullied or left out, those early memories, that sense 206 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: of being excluded, of having someone hate you or being 207 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 1: cruel to you, they have lifelong impacts. That leads to 208 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: a lot of people pleasing tendencies because we instinctually do 209 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: not want to feel that emotional pain of rejection ever again, 210 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: and so we fawn, we appease, we say yes when 211 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 1: we should say no. We let people walk all over us, 212 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 1: because the thing that matters the most is that they 213 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:40,000 Speaker 1: like you, that you make them happy rather than yourself. 214 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 1: And so when someone has a certain opinion or expresses criticism, 215 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,360 Speaker 1: that makes you feel like in some way you've failed, 216 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:50,199 Speaker 1: and it triggers a lot of that historical childhood alarm 217 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: and fear that once again you are going to be 218 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: alone or socially rejected. That fear response can come to 219 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,679 Speaker 1: control us, like I've spoken about, and a secondary consequence 220 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,440 Speaker 1: for this is that it is increasingly creating a generation 221 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: of people who are living for others, people like you 222 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: and I who are living according to what others expect, 223 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 1: what other people think is cool, what's trendy, what's acceptable, 224 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,840 Speaker 1: rather than living according to who they actually want to be. 225 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 1: I want to outline exactly what that means, how it 226 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: really alters our behavior and the connection that we have 227 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,960 Speaker 1: to our true selves. I think the first consequence of 228 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: this need to live for others is conformity. In psychology, 229 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 1: a conformity really refers to trying to basically fit in 230 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 1: or mirror the attitudes, the beliefs, the behaviors of those 231 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 1: around us. It's called like the chameleon tendency, where depending 232 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,400 Speaker 1: on who we are with, we blend into our social 233 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:55,600 Speaker 1: surroundings by really looking to others to tell us what's normal. 234 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,440 Speaker 1: Because if we look like them, we act like them. 235 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,160 Speaker 1: They have no reason to out because to do so 236 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: would mean that they would be expressing dislike for themselves, 237 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,520 Speaker 1: because that is who we are emulating. It just really 238 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,160 Speaker 1: breeds like a thousand clones of the same person. And 239 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,600 Speaker 1: every day that you wake up and choose to be 240 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 1: someone that you think others will accept and like more, 241 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 1: you are turning away from your authenticity. You are suppressing 242 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,240 Speaker 1: your true self. You are unconsciously locking away a part 243 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: of you that deserves to be seen and deserves to 244 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,320 Speaker 1: be heard. This is known as self silencing, and it's 245 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 1: the need to really suppress our own thoughts and feelings 246 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: in order to appease others. This concept was initially only 247 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,720 Speaker 1: applied to women, but I think it really links to this. 248 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,000 Speaker 1: It's a lot more universal, firstly, and it links to 249 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:51,800 Speaker 1: a deeper idea of self abandonment. When we self abandon 250 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: or conform in order to be liked, we withhold parts 251 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 1: of ourselves in order for others to avoid discomfort with 252 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 1: who we are. But in turn, we transfer that discomfort 253 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 1: that other people might have with who we are and 254 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:11,280 Speaker 1: make ourselves uncomfortable. That is a sad truth. But you 255 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: know what, when you do that, when you self abandon, 256 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: when you self silence, you are hurting no one but yourself. 257 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 1: Not only can that lead to a deeper sense of 258 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 1: very very real alienation and never really truly knowing who 259 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,200 Speaker 1: you are. But the longer that we engage in this 260 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,520 Speaker 1: kind of internal silencing, the harder the habit is to break. 261 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: It also makes you say things you don't believe, where 262 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,680 Speaker 1: things you're not comfortable in, make yourself small, and that 263 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 1: is a size that you should never be not when 264 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:45,320 Speaker 1: life is this short. Additionally, if you pretend to kind 265 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 1: of be someone else, you are pretending to be someone 266 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 1: you're not, and that will only attract people who are 267 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: attached to a version of you that isn't real, and 268 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 1: so the relationships you form from that fake persona are 269 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,800 Speaker 1: going to be inherently artificial. I'm going to bring up 270 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 1: another experience that I've had, because if you cannot tell, 271 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:10,480 Speaker 1: I am definitely someone who is very much trying to 272 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,439 Speaker 1: embrace the courage to be disliked after for a lot 273 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,280 Speaker 1: of years having a real deep fear of being disliked. 274 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:21,439 Speaker 1: I remember this time in high school where I tried 275 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 1: so hard to pretend I was really into like punk music, 276 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: like Screamer. I don't know, I don't know what it's called, 277 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,600 Speaker 1: but it was like punk. Obviously you can tell from 278 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,360 Speaker 1: how I just described it, I really didn't like it. 279 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,679 Speaker 1: I really had no idea what I was doing, but 280 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,199 Speaker 1: I wanted to impress certain people by pretending that we 281 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 1: shared the same interests, when what I think I should 282 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,479 Speaker 1: have recognized was that I really liked Taylor Swift, I 283 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 1: liked doing well in school, I liked reading I liked 284 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,199 Speaker 1: wearing like womans. I was that girl, and if I 285 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: had embraced that, I would have attracted people who were 286 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,359 Speaker 1: more like minded. And maybe that would have meant that 287 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:02,439 Speaker 1: I had better friends in high school, more fulfilling relationships 288 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,760 Speaker 1: than the kind of friendships that I did end up having. 289 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,320 Speaker 1: I guess the point is is that when you create 290 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 1: a facade a persona a fake version of yourself, and 291 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,399 Speaker 1: you begin to believe it, others around you begin to 292 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,920 Speaker 1: believe it as well, meaning that you are not ever 293 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 1: going to feel at place in the groups where you 294 00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:21,160 Speaker 1: truly belong. You're just going to be surrounded by people 295 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,560 Speaker 1: who don't genuinely like you for you. They like a curated, 296 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:28,879 Speaker 1: fake version of yourself. So when you start embracing the 297 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,440 Speaker 1: courage to be disliked, that is naturally going to mean 298 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: that you are going to shad a few relationships. People 299 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:39,000 Speaker 1: get very attached to the version of you they expect 300 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,639 Speaker 1: and the version of you that they have created in 301 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,840 Speaker 1: their minds. I find that so often the reason that 302 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:50,359 Speaker 1: we see friendships fall apart or relationships fail is because 303 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,119 Speaker 1: people expect you to be one person. They expect you 304 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,480 Speaker 1: to meet their expectations of what they want from you, 305 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:58,520 Speaker 1: and when you decide to no longer do that, to 306 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,600 Speaker 1: say no, sof this is who I am. I've got 307 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,440 Speaker 1: my own opinions. I don't constantly want to be making 308 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,080 Speaker 1: you happy. I want to do what makes me happy. 309 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,480 Speaker 1: These people suddenly realize that, like, oh, this person isn't 310 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,280 Speaker 1: going to put up with this anymore. They don't care 311 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,640 Speaker 1: about my opinion. It's at that point that you are 312 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,560 Speaker 1: more clearly able to see what kind of life you 313 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,679 Speaker 1: would actually love to live, what the true version of 314 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 1: you wants, and also who was just in your life 315 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: because you fit into some preconceived notion of who they 316 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:34,080 Speaker 1: wanted you to be. I think that losing those people, 317 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:38,200 Speaker 1: perhaps even being disliked by them or hearing that you've changed, 318 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,880 Speaker 1: is a very small price to pay for the truth 319 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:45,240 Speaker 1: freedom of the self, the true freedom of the actual self. Obviously, 320 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,000 Speaker 1: there are some areas where a perception and an appreciation 321 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,439 Speaker 1: of other people's opinions is necessary. You don't want to 322 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: offend others just for the sake of it, or to 323 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 1: be cruel, or to turn into one of the people 324 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 1: who made you initially feel really small. But it's also 325 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: about realizing that your social circle not only changes but 326 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:09,919 Speaker 1: has layers and levels of closeness and prioritizing those that 327 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: are more central by whilst you know, kind of disregarding 328 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:20,119 Speaker 1: those who aren't in those close three circles is really, really, 329 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 1: really valuable. So I might explain this a little bit more. 330 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:29,360 Speaker 1: I visualize my kind of life and my social life 331 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:34,800 Speaker 1: in particular, like four circles, each circle kind of expanding 332 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 1: just beyond the last circle, getting larger and larger. You're 333 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:42,640 Speaker 1: in the middle, You're the most important circle. Then comes family, 334 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:46,080 Speaker 1: close friends, your partner, friends you see every now and again, 335 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: maybe coworkers, acquaintances, and then finally just like strangers, and 336 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,680 Speaker 1: included in that are people who might not like you. 337 00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:03,000 Speaker 1: The closest three circles, including you, your family, your loved ones, 338 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,000 Speaker 1: they are all that matter. The opinions of those people 339 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: are the only ones that matter because they are mutually supportive. 340 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,640 Speaker 1: Because these people love you, they're not trying to tear 341 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,160 Speaker 1: you down. So when we think about you know, once 342 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:21,440 Speaker 1: again the courage to be disliked. If the person whose 343 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 1: opinion you are worried about sits beyond those three circles, 344 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,919 Speaker 1: there is no point listening to them, because if you 345 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: were to become really ill tomorrow, if something terrible was 346 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 1: to happen, they would not be the ones sitting there 347 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,720 Speaker 1: by your side supporting you. So in your good times 348 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: you don't deserve to listen to them either. I know 349 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,959 Speaker 1: that cutting those people out, disregarding their opinion, ignoring them 350 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:48,800 Speaker 1: in some ways is easier said than done, because often, 351 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,880 Speaker 1: as we've described, the opinions of others have this very 352 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,760 Speaker 1: subtle way of influencing our behaviors on a very unconscious level. 353 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 1: So how do we escape that pressure? You know, obviously 354 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:02,639 Speaker 1: this is very by its very evolutionary, very primal to 355 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 1: care about what other people think. So what do we 356 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 1: need to tell ourselves? What do we need to do 357 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 1: when that self consciousness kind of sneaks in and threatens 358 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 1: to keep us at the behest of the opinions of 359 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,720 Speaker 1: others who don't care about you and be don't matter. Well, 360 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: we are going to discuss the four ways that you 361 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 1: can embrace the courage to be disliked after this shortbreak. 362 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,120 Speaker 1: There are four things that I want you to remember 363 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,439 Speaker 1: when it comes to being disliked. Number one, not everyone 364 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,359 Speaker 1: is going to like you, and that is something that 365 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,360 Speaker 1: you can't change. But number two, you are never going 366 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:46,280 Speaker 1: to be criticized by someone who is doing better than you. Thirdly, 367 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:50,639 Speaker 1: often someone else's dislike all negative judgments are really a 368 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:55,640 Speaker 1: projection of their own insecurities. And finally, we can use 369 00:22:55,680 --> 00:23:02,600 Speaker 1: their criticism they're dislike as fuel for our advantage. As motivation. 370 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,720 Speaker 1: There is quite literally nothing more inspiring and motivating than 371 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,720 Speaker 1: someone telling you that you can't do something, or someone 372 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 1: trying to bring you down, or who is not comfortable 373 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,119 Speaker 1: with your success, who feels the need to criticize you, 374 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,840 Speaker 1: Because implicitly, when that happens, we now feel like we 375 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:27,640 Speaker 1: have something to prove, and that is like, actually such 376 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,679 Speaker 1: a motivating force. It's also that in that moment we 377 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,679 Speaker 1: become a lot better with embracing the courage to be 378 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:39,640 Speaker 1: disliked because we realize that other people's opinions or appraisals 379 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,119 Speaker 1: of you, as I've said before, have a lot more 380 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:46,120 Speaker 1: to do with them than us. You can read any 381 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:50,040 Speaker 1: comments section on YouTube or TikTok or Instagram and you 382 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:53,920 Speaker 1: will see hundreds of people ready to say anything that's 383 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,600 Speaker 1: going to bring someone down, especially people who are doing 384 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:01,320 Speaker 1: their own shit, who are in their own lane who 385 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,000 Speaker 1: are confident, who know what their life is about. And 386 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 1: you know what the common denominator is in those situations. 387 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,480 Speaker 1: It's not the person on the receiving end, it's not 388 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,720 Speaker 1: the content that they make. It is these people, this 389 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,959 Speaker 1: group of people who are unhappy with themselves and who 390 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,880 Speaker 1: feel the need to pull others down because it gives 391 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: them a mental and emotional boost. So it's really interesting 392 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:28,879 Speaker 1: because they've started doing studies on this, particularly around trolling 393 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,639 Speaker 1: and kind of cyberbulling, and this recent study that was 394 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 1: published in the cyber Psychology Journal, it found that people 395 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,679 Speaker 1: with lower self esteem are more likely to engage in 396 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:45,120 Speaker 1: activities like internet trolling than anybody else. And the people 397 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,720 Speaker 1: who do that, those traits are also more associated with 398 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:53,600 Speaker 1: psychopathy and with receiving pleasure from the distress and takedown 399 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:58,640 Speaker 1: of others. And that is such a then problem that 400 00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,439 Speaker 1: has nothing to do with you. The same goes for 401 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,359 Speaker 1: real life interactions. Obviously we're talking about like a social 402 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: media space here, but let's think about my old friend Damien, 403 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,879 Speaker 1: my old university friend Damien. There is something deeper in 404 00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 1: that person's psychology that leads them to these kind of 405 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:18,679 Speaker 1: pathological chronic takedowns, and the worst thing we can do 406 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,240 Speaker 1: is actually believe that the opinions of these people matter. 407 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,640 Speaker 1: When I think about him, I'm like, he had only 408 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,239 Speaker 1: really met me twice. What was it about them that 409 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:30,800 Speaker 1: gave them such kind of a sick obsession fascination with 410 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 1: making me feel bad about myself? Because I'm pretty sure 411 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,440 Speaker 1: that as soon as I moved on, he found someone 412 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: else to project that hate to. I know it's a 413 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:43,399 Speaker 1: classic quote, but like Michelle Obama Boss Lady, she always 414 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 1: says it, when they go low, we go high. So 415 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,840 Speaker 1: not only does that give you a much needed self 416 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,520 Speaker 1: esteem boost, who look at that situation and go okay? 417 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,159 Speaker 1: The reason this person has this opinion probably has nothing 418 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,399 Speaker 1: to do with me and everything to do with the 419 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 1: fact that they are not happy with themselves. But these 420 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,880 Speaker 1: individuals have much bigger problems than their opinion about you, 421 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,920 Speaker 1: And if they have something to say, that probably means 422 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,120 Speaker 1: you're doing something right. This is where I really want 423 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,399 Speaker 1: to introduce this concept called tall poppy syndrome that is 424 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:20,480 Speaker 1: really common in Australia. So in Australia, tall poppy syndrome 425 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:24,080 Speaker 1: is this idea that the best flowers, the tallest flowers, 426 00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: the ones that bloom the first are also the first 427 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:31,920 Speaker 1: to be cut down. And that analogy applies to our lives. 428 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,119 Speaker 1: The people who shine the brightest, the people who are 429 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:40,200 Speaker 1: least afraid to be themselves, who shoot up, who are successful, 430 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,320 Speaker 1: who are confident, they are always going to be the 431 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 1: first ones who are targeted with takedowns. And it's so frustrating, 432 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,760 Speaker 1: But what we realize is that in those moments, you 433 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,919 Speaker 1: are the tallest flower in the field. You are the 434 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 1: tall poppy. That is why you are receiving the resentment 435 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,320 Speaker 1: from others. Once again, you are never going to be 436 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,719 Speaker 1: judged by someone who is doing better than you because 437 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,399 Speaker 1: they are probably already secure in themselves. They know what 438 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 1: it's like to be in your position. They want you 439 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: to succeed, and they know their worth without needing to 440 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: compare or tear you down. And those are the people 441 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,560 Speaker 1: that you should surround yourself with when you are embracing 442 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,360 Speaker 1: that courage to be disliked. The difference these people make 443 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: in your life is incredible. I've seen it myself. I've 444 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,480 Speaker 1: really been on this journey of kind of realizing that 445 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,440 Speaker 1: if I want to grow further, if I want to 446 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,800 Speaker 1: be a better version of myself. I have to be 447 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,479 Speaker 1: peakier about the people I choose to spend my time around. 448 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,520 Speaker 1: And that doesn't necessarily mean meeting people and being like no, 449 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,360 Speaker 1: you can't be my friend, but more so being like, okay, 450 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,359 Speaker 1: if I want this in a circle, I want to 451 00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:46,800 Speaker 1: make sure these people are making me feel good about myself. 452 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,560 Speaker 1: And so I've really been surrounding myself with women who 453 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,080 Speaker 1: want nothing but success for those around them, who collaborate, 454 00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:55,000 Speaker 1: who lift each other up. And it's something I'm so 455 00:27:55,119 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 1: grateful for because for so long I really prioritized hanging out, socializing, 456 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:08,360 Speaker 1: interacting with people who didn't like me, because I had 457 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,560 Speaker 1: this compulsion to make them like me. That was like 458 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:16,280 Speaker 1: the biggest prize. But now I've started really protecting the 459 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 1: relationships that bring me joy, and the relationships with people 460 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: who not that they won't criticize me, not that they 461 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:26,840 Speaker 1: won't call me out, but who are willing to just 462 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,440 Speaker 1: be in my corner. Alongside that, I think it's also 463 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 1: important to be okay with the fact that you're not 464 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 1: going to be everybody's cup of tea, and not being 465 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:41,800 Speaker 1: everybody's cup of tea also involves gradually removing and reducing 466 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 1: our emotional reliance on the validation of others. So psychologists 467 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 1: generally identify two sources of validation, external validation, which comes 468 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: from the acknowledgment of others, and internal validation, which comes 469 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 1: from our own positive attributes, positive self beliefs, strengths, and achievements. 470 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: When we rely on external validation, often this has come 471 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:09,719 Speaker 1: from us being gradually trained to do that, especially in 472 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:13,320 Speaker 1: the kind of educational environments that we have been raised in, 473 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:17,240 Speaker 1: where we want the praise, we want the approval of 474 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:21,160 Speaker 1: other people. We seek the admiration of those we see 475 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: is better than us. However, if you constantly look to 476 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: external approval for your self worth, your self worth is 477 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,600 Speaker 1: never going to be stable because the opinions of others 478 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,360 Speaker 1: are not consistent or reliable. They are fickle because humans 479 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:40,320 Speaker 1: are fickle, and it's only going to take one small comment, 480 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: one small feeling of rejection, one small moment, to completely 481 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 1: destroy your self worth because it is bound up in 482 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,440 Speaker 1: the actions of people and the thoughts of people who 483 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:54,960 Speaker 1: you cannot control, who you have no say in. So 484 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:57,600 Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, what is it that 485 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,320 Speaker 1: you like about yourself that has a absolutely no attachment 486 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,360 Speaker 1: to others, What do you like about yourself that people 487 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,360 Speaker 1: would maybe be surprised to know, Like it's a little private, 488 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:10,960 Speaker 1: secret source of self love. It could be that you 489 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,719 Speaker 1: feel really intense joy towards like the smallest things, that 490 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: you like people watching, or that you're creative. It might 491 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: be that your dreams are really interesting, that you love 492 00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:24,800 Speaker 1: very deeply, that you are dedicated to your goals, that 493 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 1: you are spiritual, that you have a great music taste, 494 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:31,640 Speaker 1: that you have some secret special talent, private things about 495 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:37,080 Speaker 1: yourself that you love and reinforce those things above all else. 496 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,880 Speaker 1: Remind yourself of them as much as you can, and 497 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 1: go on to cultivate them even more. When you are 498 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,480 Speaker 1: so focused on what you bring to the world, how 499 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: amazing you are, you become this impenetrable force of self love. 500 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,840 Speaker 1: I also like to imagine when I really feel the 501 00:30:57,960 --> 00:31:00,800 Speaker 1: need to please certain people or to make them like me, 502 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 1: I imagine this like big golden bubble expanding out from my 503 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 1: heart that surrounds me, that protects me, that makes me magnetic, 504 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,080 Speaker 1: and it kind of goes on to engulf everybody else 505 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 1: and make them feel like they can also be authentic 506 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:22,680 Speaker 1: and true in my presence. It's like that these visualization exercises, 507 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:27,160 Speaker 1: this golden bubble allows me to escape my anxiety by 508 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: really focusing on a comforting mental imagery. This tool has 509 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 1: been so powerful for me. It makes me so confident. 510 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 1: It's like a protective shield against other people's judgments. Where 511 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,600 Speaker 1: I can acknowledge that maybe someone's looking at my outfit 512 00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: and going like, oh, I don't like that, or someone 513 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:47,960 Speaker 1: I've met once has a bad impression of me, or anything, 514 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,760 Speaker 1: but that doesn't matter. It just bounces off me. I'm 515 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,920 Speaker 1: in my golden bubble. I also want to say one 516 00:31:53,920 --> 00:32:00,320 Speaker 1: final reminder. Each day, each moment, you are presented with 517 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,720 Speaker 1: the opportunity to be your best self. And you can 518 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: either choose to live authentically and passionately and in your 519 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 1: own power, or you can choose to mask that version 520 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:16,040 Speaker 1: of you. You can choose to minimize your goals, your values, 521 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 1: your passion, your identity because you're scared of what other 522 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:25,040 Speaker 1: people think. It is your responsibility to choose which version 523 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,959 Speaker 1: you want to be, not anybody else's, not your family, 524 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:32,520 Speaker 1: not your friends, only you. So visualize that version of you, 525 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 1: that version of you that doesn't care what people think, 526 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,720 Speaker 1: that doesn't care if people don't agree with what they're 527 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:41,719 Speaker 1: doing because they believe in it. Who doesn't care if 528 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:44,360 Speaker 1: people like what they wear, doesn't care if people think 529 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:47,920 Speaker 1: they look trendy, doesn't care if people have some weird 530 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:53,160 Speaker 1: negative opinion of them, because they love themselves and what yourself? 531 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 1: Become that version, imagine speaking to that version. Act from 532 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:01,520 Speaker 1: a place of that version of yourself. Ask yourself, in 533 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,760 Speaker 1: moments where you are trying to be more likable or 534 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,480 Speaker 1: trying to make other people like you more, what would 535 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:11,480 Speaker 1: that version of you two? What would that authentic version 536 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,000 Speaker 1: of you say? How would they act in this situation? 537 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: I was saying this to a friend the other day. 538 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: But it's also really impossible to criticize or have anything 539 00:33:21,160 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 1: negative to say about someone who is just so clearly 540 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,320 Speaker 1: knows who the fuck they are, who is just so 541 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:30,640 Speaker 1: clearly embodying their authentic self. We all know those people, 542 00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,840 Speaker 1: We see those people. So you should become that person 543 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,320 Speaker 1: by embracing the fact that not everybody is going to 544 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: like you, and that is totally okay. In fact, it's 545 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,840 Speaker 1: probably a good sign. It's probably beneficial because, like we 546 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,680 Speaker 1: said before, it means you're doing something right. It means 547 00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,320 Speaker 1: they've never seen anybody like you before. It means that 548 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 1: you are so comfortable in your own power that this 549 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,600 Speaker 1: person's opinion cannot harm you. The world is so small, 550 00:33:56,800 --> 00:34:00,360 Speaker 1: life is so short. You are just kind of a 551 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,479 Speaker 1: grain of sand in the universe, and you're living amongst 552 00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:07,640 Speaker 1: a million, billion, billion other grains of sand. So it 553 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:11,279 Speaker 1: doesn't need to be that meaningful. Someone else's opinion doesn't 554 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,280 Speaker 1: need to ruin your day, doesn't need to ruin your life. 555 00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:18,000 Speaker 1: Because when you hold on to something that has slipped 556 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,280 Speaker 1: out of someone's mouth, something that someone has said behind 557 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:22,840 Speaker 1: your back, something that has come through the grape vine 558 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,799 Speaker 1: that's not ruining their day, thinking about it more isn't 559 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,719 Speaker 1: hurting them, it's hurting you. And so you have to 560 00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:31,960 Speaker 1: make a choice of like, am I going to continue 561 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:35,279 Speaker 1: thinking about this, or am I going to realize that 562 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,640 Speaker 1: the only people's opinions of matter that matter to me 563 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,880 Speaker 1: are my own and the people who I love. I 564 00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,319 Speaker 1: think that's a really beautiful place to end it, and 565 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,280 Speaker 1: I want to thank you so much for listening to 566 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,200 Speaker 1: today's episode. I know it was quite rambly, I know 567 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:53,399 Speaker 1: it was quite philosophical, maybe less psychological, but I really 568 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,959 Speaker 1: cannot state it enough. That book was amazing. It's really 569 00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,200 Speaker 1: changed my mind on so many things and really opened 570 00:34:59,239 --> 00:35:01,920 Speaker 1: my eyes to the fact I think I've spent a 571 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,000 Speaker 1: lot of my life caring about what other people think, 572 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,319 Speaker 1: and I don't want to care about it anymore. And 573 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:09,120 Speaker 1: I think that when I've started to adopt that philosophy, 574 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: it's made me a much better person, a much more 575 00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:17,560 Speaker 1: powerful person, a much happier person, to just be more 576 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:19,800 Speaker 1: secure and who I am. So I hope that I 577 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,200 Speaker 1: really yeah, I hope that's something that you can find 578 00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:25,000 Speaker 1: as well. For every single one of you listening. If 579 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,960 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, as always, please feel free to 580 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,759 Speaker 1: share it with someone who you think might enjoy it 581 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:33,759 Speaker 1: as well, or leave a five star review. It really 582 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,040 Speaker 1: helps the show to grow and reach new people. If 583 00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:39,560 Speaker 1: you don't already, you can follow us on Instagram at 584 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:43,840 Speaker 1: that Psychology Podcast. We are currently taking episode suggestions for 585 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:46,440 Speaker 1: twenty twenty four, So if there's something going on in 586 00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:48,440 Speaker 1: your life, going on in your twenties and you want 587 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 1: to understand it more, you want to know what's going on, 588 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 1: please feel free to send it to me over there, 589 00:35:54,239 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 1: and we will be back next week with another episode.