WEBVTT - Toddlers vs. Everyone Else 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:17.160 Do you want to show the audience your stabbed finger 0:00:17.239 --> 0:00:19.439 real quick? And and then we'll just get into it. 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:20.240 Wait are we rolling? 0:00:20.720 --> 0:00:23.160 Yeah, we've been going. Yeah. 0:00:22.960 --> 0:00:23.120 Yeah. 0:00:24.120 --> 0:00:29.760 As as surprising as this is, this podcast is not 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:33.760 making like millions of dollars, so all of us making 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:38.360 any dollars. But yeah, I'm glad you had millions. Yeah, 0:00:38.440 --> 0:00:43.600 it's it's not making money coins, it's not making coins. Yeah, 0:00:43.720 --> 0:00:48.319 it's so we're all leaving leading very haphazard lives. We're 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:52.960 juggling a lot of things. We're also juggling actual things. 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:58.160 And in a haste to get to this podcast, I 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:02.160 was grabbing my backpack and and the hard lesson of 0:01:02.320 --> 0:01:06.560 sticking pencils down in the pencil and not up. And 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.840 the terror of this is that I'm a mother of 0:01:10.040 --> 0:01:13.520 young kids, Like maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have kids. 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:18.360 It's too late, it's a little too late. But I 0:01:18.400 --> 0:01:20.720 am worried that I am not equipped. 0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:24.600 I'm a little concerned too, because they're toddlers, and I 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:28.560 assume looking in their backpack, you're just pencils up, just shoving. 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.960 Them in there back to school days, and right they 0:01:32.040 --> 0:01:35.720 might well and it pencils up a gateway drug to 0:01:36.160 --> 0:01:37.640 carrying scissors the wrong way? 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:38.240 Yeah? 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:39.360 Is that what we're dealing with? 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:41.440 Here is the thing when you carry scissors the wrong way, 0:01:41.480 --> 0:01:44.920 that whole fucking thing. I'm like, well, who, actually I 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:47.360 get it? Where you hold the handle, You're supposed to 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:48.960 hold it by the. 0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:52.000 Blay it down at least, yeah, hold it down. 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:56.560 Like who, what big accident where someone's like I can acissors? 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:59.160 What are you talking about? What big accident? It turns 0:01:59.200 --> 0:01:59.920 into a knife. 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:01.880 My friend's brother lost his eye. 0:02:03.000 --> 0:02:09.280 How literally that is a pretty almost worst case scenario 0:02:09.440 --> 0:02:12.960 short of death, Like, that's pretty bad. Lost his eye 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:15.000 from someone handing him scissors. 0:02:15.080 --> 0:02:18.600 He got scissors in his eye because they were running, moving, 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:21.160 giving something wrong way with the scissors. 0:02:21.240 --> 0:02:25.240 There's literally a book title called running with scissors. 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:28.000 It's kind of holding my god. 0:02:28.360 --> 0:02:30.080 Okay, I've changed my mind. 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:34.080 I normally handed the right way you hold the blades, 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:35.160 but when you hold the blades it. 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:36.040 Feels fucking weird. 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:38.000 And then I'm like, well, it's not like I'm gonna 0:02:38.000 --> 0:02:40.320 hold them and open and be like here you go, 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:41.440 open scissors snap. 0:02:41.560 --> 0:02:44.079 Well, I think I think, okay, I'm hearing I think 0:02:44.120 --> 0:02:47.440 that there's some misunderstanding here because I think it's holding 0:02:47.440 --> 0:02:50.880 the blades is like probably like the best, best optimal. 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:51.320 Yeah. 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:54.720 I think it's also just holding them down, like walking 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:57.280 with them where they're facing the ground, like gunn down 0:02:57.840 --> 0:03:00.400 as opposed to just out and about. And then it 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:05.520 is truly like a large ship moving on what Welcome 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:08.880 to the Rage Pod. I'm eager. This is my co 0:03:09.000 --> 0:03:13.960 host Tara ericson What Up. And this is a podcast 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:17.160 where we just we talk about all things rage off 0:03:17.160 --> 0:03:20.240 and through a female lens, and because. 0:03:19.960 --> 0:03:24.520 We're both females, Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So today we're 0:03:24.800 --> 0:03:27.120 talking about toddler rage. 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:30.960 I have three and a half year old twins, and 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:34.480 something that really interested me in talking about this is 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:37.800 actually ties I think to our pilot episode, our early 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:43.320 episodes and talking about rage and then really kind of 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:48.080 highlighting rage and women and how looked down upon it is, 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:51.680 how not talked about it is only that like it's 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:55.160 considered unattractive. But it's like if you look at toddlers, 0:03:55.600 --> 0:03:58.840 they all have rage. It's not like, oh, little boys 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:01.440 have rage and a little little girls don't have rage. 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:04.440 And then suddenly little girls grow up and they're women, 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:07.400 and it's like how unbecoming that you have rage you're 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:11.200 a woman, right, So that kind of was I found 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:15.560 that to be interesting to kind of explore. We're going 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:21.840 to talk to doctor Nicole, our favorite neuroscientists. Yeah, we're 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:25.840 going to talk to Jay Cox, one of our favorite 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:31.880 psychotherapists who studies anger a lot and has her podcast 0:04:32.000 --> 0:04:35.000 Women Are Mad. She's a book called Women Are Angry. 0:04:35.279 --> 0:04:42.200 Wendy he now wonderful young adult, and Tara has done 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:44.640 a lot of has nannied a lot in the past, 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:50.120 and obviously his friends. With small children, everything changes, Yeah, yeah, 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.440 you have kids, It just does. Yeah, But don't you 0:04:53.480 --> 0:04:56.919 think that everything changes regardless, Like don't you think like 0:04:57.000 --> 0:04:58.120 in life, Oh. 0:04:58.080 --> 0:04:59.840 Yeah, when you get older, I mean everything I think 0:04:59.839 --> 0:05:01.960 you supposed to, which is why when you get older, 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:03.400 like your mood changes, things. 0:05:03.240 --> 0:05:04.760 Getting easier, you care less. 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:08.400 And I think it's like the same of like why 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:10.120 when you when you get a little bit older and 0:05:10.160 --> 0:05:12.479 you start having kids, it's like you're a better parent 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:15.320 because you're like less concerned about maybe what you would 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:18.120 be ten years ago, right you were like pop. Now 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:19.599 kids your twenties, you're still kind. 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:24.120 Of yeah, Okay, so I'm very curious what a toddler's 0:05:24.120 --> 0:05:26.680 brain looks like, both just sort of in general, and 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:29.760 then when they're having a tantrum. We are not qualified 0:05:29.760 --> 0:05:33.560 to talk about that, which is a real shock, but 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:37.200 doctor Nicole is someone that we are very excited to 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:39.560 talk to you about that rage on the toddler brain. 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:43.400 I am here with doctor Nicole Tete Cults. I'm going 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:46.880 to use the like most aggressive French accent and saying 0:05:46.880 --> 0:05:53.240 your name. You are an internationally known, compassionate based neuroscientist. 0:05:54.040 --> 0:06:01.200 You're a speaker, a meditation expert, coach right and an 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:04.760 author which I actually have your book right here, Insight 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:08.400 into a Right Mind. And this episode that we're talking 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:13.680 about is on toddlers like rage and toddlers. However, you know, 0:06:13.839 --> 0:06:17.800 we rage tantrums anger, And one of the reasons why 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:21.360 I found it really interesting, even from a female perspective, 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:27.080 the kind of pervasive messaging that we get is, you know, 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:30.320 women really shouldn't be raging, We really shouldn't be having outbursts, 0:06:30.360 --> 0:06:33.400 We really shouldn't be having these anger issues. And as 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:36.440 a mom of two three and a half year old girls, 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:41.200 I can tell you that they inherently have. If we 0:06:41.240 --> 0:06:44.039 want to call it rage. They have rage, they have outbursts, 0:06:44.040 --> 0:06:51.480 they have uncontrollable frustration. I don't think that they're weird outliers. 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:55.280 And I think it's something that we can look at 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:59.719 again and the sort of genderizing that we do with rage. 0:06:59.800 --> 0:07:04.040 And if you look at these really younger points and 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:09.120 our development, you know, what's at what point does this 0:07:09.320 --> 0:07:12.840 change where we say, oh, okay, well women need to 0:07:12.880 --> 0:07:16.040 grow out of it or do we just we try 0:07:16.080 --> 0:07:19.440 to control it at that at that young age, we 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:23.000 see that happening then. So that's kind of sort of 0:07:23.040 --> 0:07:30.680 the correlation to looking looking at at rage and particularly 0:07:30.720 --> 0:07:32.640 for women, but and adults at large. 0:07:33.000 --> 0:07:36.240 I wanted to address because you said a lot of 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:41.560 really important things. So we're gonna I want step back 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:47.320 just a second, because there were inherent questionings within yourself. 0:07:47.640 --> 0:07:48.119 For sure. 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:51.800 There were two kind of underlying themes that were coming out, 0:07:53.040 --> 0:07:57.840 And the first one is is the expectations within gender 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:04.679 roles that you're talking about for rage and in first 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:08.360 and foremost, terrible twos are terrible twos for a very 0:08:08.400 --> 0:08:13.400 specific reason. It's not like it's some anomaly. It's not 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:19.080 like your girls are these outliers. It's very normal brain 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:24.200 is barely turning online. It's a primary emotional center, right. 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:29.440 So for development for children, what's really what happens is 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:33.880 when they bond with their mother. There's that experience of 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:38.720 them experiencing part of their ego themselves as their mother 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:43.559 for the first few months, and then over time that 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:48.920 differentiation begins to occur. Right in normal development, so at 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:53.760 first they experience themselves as one with the mother and 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:56.720 the mother's nervous system and it's sort of like what 0:08:56.840 --> 0:08:59.439 I like to think of it as this satellite nervous system. 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:06.000 Then that oneness becomes two and they become independent. So 0:09:06.040 --> 0:09:11.959 a big part of tantrums at that age is identifying 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:20.240 the self and identifying their differentiation their own cognitive capabilities. 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:25.360 And also what's happening at the same time is the 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:29.600 brain isn't fully developed for emotional regulation, so the brain 0:09:30.520 --> 0:09:35.560 is asynchronous, and even at that point, our emotional centers 0:09:35.720 --> 0:09:41.319 are still much more the driving force than our prefrontal cortex, 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:45.160 right right, Yes, and so we have our primary olympics 0:09:45.160 --> 0:09:48.920 center that's just kind of responding. So that's a very 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:52.440 normal thing to be happening at that age. And then 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:56.720 over time this frontal cortex doesn't develop until our mid thirties. 0:09:57.600 --> 0:10:02.400 So what's really important is that for a child who's raging, 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:08.600 is that they have to be able to rage within safety. Right, 0:10:09.240 --> 0:10:12.880 So a big piece of it is instead of telling 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:16.920 them to shut down that emotion, because ultimately accepting the 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:19.640 true self, you know, we have these false self and 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:25.440 true self. Young girls really are told by society and 0:10:25.480 --> 0:10:29.640 the way the patriarchal system has been designed is that 0:10:29.720 --> 0:10:34.600 women and children children are submissive. So on two realms, 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:39.080 a little girl is told to be submissive. They're not 0:10:39.320 --> 0:10:43.680 told to rage because they're a child and they're a female. 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:49.360 So the real reality is is that what happens is 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:54.000 if that child doesn't isn't allowed full completion to rage, 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:58.319 to experience that intensity of emotion and go through it 0:10:58.559 --> 0:11:01.840 with a compassionate year to say, explain to me what's 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:06.600 going on, rather than stop it. You're in trouble. Getting 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:10.760 that punishment, that negative reward, They're never going to really 0:11:10.920 --> 0:11:13.720 learn that they could be fully truly who they are 0:11:14.120 --> 0:11:18.400 within safety. You know. Now, if a child is self injurious, 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:20.760 you know, through a tantrum and things like that, of 0:11:20.760 --> 0:11:23.600 course you have to do harm reduction. So I'm not saying, 0:11:23.640 --> 0:11:24.880 you know, yeah, let them. 0:11:24.920 --> 0:11:25.920 You know, I'm not. 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:28.120 Saying straight yack at them, but I'm not saying, you know, 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:30.120 let them jump off a cliff either. 0:11:30.520 --> 0:11:33.240 What do you think you would like people to know 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:39.319 more about in terms of toddlers having these moments of 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:44.520 being in fact, what's better language to use? I would say, 0:11:44.520 --> 0:11:46.360 like feeling, you know, they seem to be in a 0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:48.800 position where they're out of control, but maybe there's better 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:50.240 language than what I'm using. 0:11:50.880 --> 0:11:54.160 I would say, you know, for anybody who's dealing with 0:11:54.800 --> 0:12:01.920 that in the moment, they're two main things that needs 0:12:01.960 --> 0:12:07.280 to come in mind for the parent is first, patience, 0:12:08.760 --> 0:12:11.640 because I think I think with the way that our 0:12:11.720 --> 0:12:16.520 world is, letting our child know that we could sit 0:12:16.600 --> 0:12:21.120 with that difficulty with them and accept them is probably 0:12:22.000 --> 0:12:26.240 the first thing. Because so much of the time people say, 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:28.680 I never got to express my emotions as a kid. 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:34.000 People always shut me down boy or girl, you know, 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:38.160 whatever gender you want to identify with, And there was 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:41.120 always that yeah, No, one just really just kind of 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:42.600 dealt with sat with me. 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:45.240 What do you think you know, we've been talking about 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:49.440 toddler girls, but what do you also see are are 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:53.880 things that we could do to improve how we how 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:58.400 we respond to young boys and some of these situations. 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.480 Well, I mean, I think boys kind of have a 0:13:01.559 --> 0:13:06.120 different cultural thing that gets put on them, Suck it up, 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:07.880 buck up, don't. 0:13:07.600 --> 0:13:10.599 Be a baby, don't be a baby. 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:14.960 And I think that that really comes back to rewiring 0:13:15.000 --> 0:13:19.440 the way that we communicate about gendered roles within our 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:25.880 culture and to really eliminate that kind of talk and 0:13:26.760 --> 0:13:30.880 allow boys to experience their emotions because boys, you know, 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:34.240 girls are taught to be submissive. Boys are told to 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:38.680 not have any feelings, and so they're both kind of 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:43.720 culturally pushed into where you push out of who you 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:47.360 truly are, what you're truly experiencing because you're told from 0:13:47.400 --> 0:13:49.480 a very young age no one could deal with it, 0:13:49.600 --> 0:13:50.320 no one wants to. 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:55.160 Yeah, well and says you're worth it. And so obviously 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:58.760 there's a lot a lot of opinions here on how 0:13:58.920 --> 0:14:02.400 we deal with how we support toddler's going through their 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:06.280 rage full moments, A lot of opinions. That's the thing, Wendy. 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:09.199 You were saying that people we don't talk about this enough, 0:14:10.240 --> 0:14:14.480 and I think people do talk about it, but I 0:14:14.520 --> 0:14:19.880 think there's often a lot of judgment, a lot of 0:14:19.920 --> 0:14:23.120 you should do this, you should do that, and we 0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:28.720 are looking for tools, but curious to hear what our 0:14:28.760 --> 0:14:32.760 friend Jay Cox has to say about how we support 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.560 our toddlers in their handle it when they're freaking out 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.440 how to handle it. I am here with the doctor 0:14:38.560 --> 0:14:44.520 Jennifer Cox, author of the Times self help book of 0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:49.080 the Year, Correct Correct, Women Are Angry, co host of 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:53.920 the podcast Women Are Mad. She is a psychotherapist where 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.680 she with her client, she focuses on the female experience 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:03.240 and she's super call super smart, and she always uses 0:15:03.240 --> 0:15:06.840 a British accent because she's British and we love that. 0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:11.960 So I'm really interested in looking at like what happens 0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:17.080 sort of over the course of time that we suddenly say, oh, 0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:20.200 at some point, it's okay for that gender to keep 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:22.920 having tantrums and whatever that looks like at that age, 0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:26.600 but it's not okay for this gender to have tantrums. 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:28.080 Oh this is so good. 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:32.960 Yeah, we have to think first about the largeness of 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:37.960 all feelings at these ages and how maybe it's not 0:15:38.400 --> 0:15:43.040 even appropriate, if that doesn't sound like too formal to 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:48.720 call these rages anger, because I'm not sure at this 0:15:48.800 --> 0:15:52.600 stage it is. I'm not sure it's anything identifiable. It's like, 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:59.880 imagine if you can't tell the difference between hunger and tiredness, 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:04.800 and imagine if you have no language for that, and 0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:10.800 your impulse control is nonexistent, and this favorite toy is 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:15.920 somehow and for no apparent reason, being taken away from you. Right, 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:21.160 you know, if you put yourself in that, in that footing, suddenly, 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:23.680 I don't know that we'd call it anger suddenly, It's 0:16:23.720 --> 0:16:27.800 just it's nervous system overwhelmed. It's I do not know 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:30.000 what is happening to me. I do not know what 0:16:30.080 --> 0:16:34.680 I'm feeling, you know. And but I think you're right 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:42.680 that the genderized language and expectations start kicking in in 0:16:42.880 --> 0:16:45.760 the parent zones and in the kind of you know, 0:16:46.600 --> 0:16:53.000 kindergarten teacher zones from from now and probably even before. 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:56.960 So we've got that kind of adult language on top. 0:16:57.680 --> 0:17:01.480 And and this therefore, this kind of what is basically 0:17:01.560 --> 0:17:04.000 just a kind of nervous system meltdown is suddenly being 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:09.840 called rage or anger or even you know, frustration or 0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:12.280 a tantrum. And actually we're not even sure if it's 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:16.639 any of those things. But but I think it is 0:17:16.720 --> 0:17:23.160 still more acceptable that a little boy is expressing this 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:26.879 than a little girl. And I think what we start 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:30.320 to see from from these moments is how the little 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:37.600 girl can't be tolerated in these extreme feeling states, whereas 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:41.800 a boy, it's almost like if you watch the adults 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:46.720 around him, you can kind of see that, like mere 0:17:47.400 --> 0:17:51.120 awe begin to develop. So it's like, wow, that he's 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.919 gonna he knows his own mind. He's going to be 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:54.439 a leader. 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:57.240 He's going to do what he wants. 0:17:57.400 --> 0:17:58.919 He's going to do what he wants, and we're just 0:17:58.960 --> 0:17:59.560 going to watch. 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:03.840 No one's going to stop him. He's just what he wants, and. 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:10.639 No one's gonna says forward too, right, Fast forward to hiring, hiring, 0:18:10.880 --> 0:18:17.320 Fast forward to electing a narcissistic, egomaniac reality star to 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:21.639 the highest office in our country that literally does whatever 0:18:21.680 --> 0:18:23.520 he wants, including assaulting women. 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:27.439 So yes, that kind of thing, Yeah, that kind of 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:29.320 a thing. I see it all the time, and and 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:33.280 some of it is so subconscious, just your parents the default. 0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:37.119 Oh well you know he's a little boy. Yeah, well 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:39.880 probably right, Oh yeah, well you have a boy, right 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:43.240 or or oh it's probably easier because you have a girl, 0:18:43.880 --> 0:18:48.879 and I want to be like, yes, girl, my daughter 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:52.760 like flipped a table the other day, Like I heard 0:18:52.800 --> 0:18:56.800 her like in her room throws something. Wow, So where 0:18:56.840 --> 0:18:59.359 where does that? Where does that put her? Just like oh, 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:01.960 she's a man, or she's not being a girl right, 0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:05.640 or she's just she's really really frustrated and can't regulate 0:19:05.640 --> 0:19:06.320 her emotions. 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:10.480 We're labeling this terrible that you could easily have labeled 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:15.760 her table flip, naughty or shocking behavior or inappropriate, but 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:20.760 you understand she is a little animal basically who has 0:19:21.160 --> 0:19:25.360 no idea that this is not what we do as adults. 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:27.760 And I mean it really kind of got me thinking, 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:31.960 actually when you said about, you know, having this conversation 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:38.439 today whether our feelings get less or whether we just 0:19:38.560 --> 0:19:42.040 get better frankly at kind of repressing them if we 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:43.000 were reressing them. 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:47.600 Yeah, I've got that very same thing. And like I 0:19:47.600 --> 0:19:50.000 if we have, I mean, you have women in your 0:19:50.080 --> 0:19:55.080 practice that come to you with anger that they're trying 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:58.800 to figure out like do they do they you know 0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:03.719 they obviously that obviously exists. Yeah, so it might they 0:20:03.800 --> 0:20:07.240 might have been repressing it from the external world, right, 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:11.480 but every every minute that goes by, there's a woman 0:20:11.560 --> 0:20:14.520 in her car like screaming at the top of our lungs. 0:20:15.000 --> 0:20:17.960 Yeah, there is, we just but. 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:19.960 We just don't. We don't want to see it, right, 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:21.240 We don't want to know about it. 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:23.359 No, we don't want to know about it. And I 0:20:23.400 --> 0:20:26.639 think a lot of our own instincts is to not 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:29.520 know about it within ourselves. So we may allow ourselves 0:20:29.640 --> 0:20:32.080 like the odd car scream, but we're not going to 0:20:32.200 --> 0:20:35.560 let that scream escape in public or tell anyone else 0:20:35.600 --> 0:20:38.959 about it. And you know, I feel like there's a 0:20:38.960 --> 0:20:44.320 lot of talk now about let's say, highly sensitive people, 0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:48.439 and I'm I'm not sure about that, because I feel 0:20:48.600 --> 0:20:52.959 as if we're actually all highly sensitive, and we're all 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:57.560 highly emotional, but some of us are have learned how 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:02.000 to better kind of articulate and express those feelings. Some 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:04.600 of us sadly have learned to really squash them down, 0:21:05.160 --> 0:21:10.120 and some of us wage wars and you know, decide 0:21:10.160 --> 0:21:13.479 the mass genocides were a great idea. So you know, 0:21:13.800 --> 0:21:17.520 there's a spectrum there. But I do think that the 0:21:17.600 --> 0:21:21.080 feelings themselves are no less strong than when we are 0:21:21.320 --> 0:21:24.320 toddlers and potentially teenagers. 0:21:25.600 --> 0:21:29.040 I think that's a I that resonates with me a lot, 0:21:29.600 --> 0:21:32.560 because I do, like I know when I have anger, 0:21:32.960 --> 0:21:36.439 how visceral and animalistic it can feel. 0:21:37.040 --> 0:21:41.480 Oh, and I'm like, that's that can't just be me, 0:21:41.960 --> 0:21:45.399 and that can't just be That's not just like, oh, 0:21:45.560 --> 0:21:50.960 I'm a problem, right, there's an We're animals. 0:21:51.280 --> 0:21:54.560 We're animals at the world we're trying to like crowbar 0:21:54.680 --> 0:22:00.000 ourselves into it's not animal shaped brain shape. 0:22:00.400 --> 0:22:03.080 No. And meanwhile, I didn't even know that mass genocide 0:22:03.119 --> 0:22:04.440 was an option for me, right. 0:22:04.400 --> 0:22:08.320 Like it wouldn't occur to you, It wouldn't occur to me. 0:22:08.760 --> 0:22:11.040 It just makes me want to move to the woods 0:22:11.040 --> 0:22:11.520 and whittle. 0:22:11.880 --> 0:22:15.000 And that's what I keep saying. That's what I keep saying. 0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:16.840 And we don't even whittle, and that's what we want 0:22:16.880 --> 0:22:21.200 to do. I mean, sounds great, it does sound a 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:25.679 cabin like I keep thinking. So in the UK we 0:22:25.720 --> 0:22:28.560 say I want to move to the outer hebrides and 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:31.920 I don't even know where that is and what that means, 0:22:32.119 --> 0:22:33.480 but I want I want that. 0:22:34.119 --> 0:22:40.200 What do you think are ways that we can embrace 0:22:40.400 --> 0:22:45.800 and assist toddlers going through these moments are feeling out 0:22:45.800 --> 0:22:48.840 of control that we now their reactions we now label 0:22:48.920 --> 0:22:53.320 as tantrums or we label as you know, rage, And 0:22:53.400 --> 0:22:56.200 particularly with little girls, what do you think are ways 0:22:56.240 --> 0:22:59.480 that we can respond to that that doesn't feel like 0:23:00.359 --> 0:23:04.400 over genderizing or suppressing them. 0:23:05.240 --> 0:23:08.000 So I think when you say how can we embrace 0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:12.639 that is I think the key actually, like what I 0:23:12.720 --> 0:23:19.320 always recommend is body to body coregulation. So forget the 0:23:19.359 --> 0:23:22.840 words for now, forget what we're calling this. Let's just 0:23:23.040 --> 0:23:28.159 get the bodies back in sync. So no matter how 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:31.959 stressed out your feeling, it's never going to do you 0:23:32.040 --> 0:23:36.960 any harm to hold that little screaming bundle as kind 0:23:37.000 --> 0:23:40.119 of tightly and as closely as you can and just 0:23:40.359 --> 0:23:46.080 wait and just let them kick out and rail and 0:23:46.119 --> 0:23:48.840 do all the things that they need to do, but 0:23:48.920 --> 0:23:51.639 do it within your arms and like a kind of 0:23:51.680 --> 0:23:52.640 straight jacket. 0:23:53.560 --> 0:23:54.960 Yeah, because it's that. 0:23:54.960 --> 0:23:58.880 Containment and it's the sort of womb. And it's also 0:23:59.119 --> 0:24:02.440 what starts to have happen is you metabolize for them 0:24:03.200 --> 0:24:04.440 some of their feeling. 0:24:04.800 --> 0:24:08.040 I think we also, yeah, you know, all of the 0:24:08.080 --> 0:24:13.320 expectations and responsibilities, some of which I don't think we 0:24:13.440 --> 0:24:17.240 need to have, you know, keep us from reconditioning the 0:24:17.320 --> 0:24:19.919 instrument to be in that and to be okay with 0:24:20.040 --> 0:24:22.480 like okay, that's going to take a little bit longer, 0:24:22.800 --> 0:24:26.680 or like actually processing through the emotions, like we feel 0:24:26.720 --> 0:24:28.040 like we need to fix it a meal so we 0:24:28.040 --> 0:24:29.560 can move on to this, we can move on to this. 0:24:29.600 --> 0:24:34.080 It's like we're multitasking on multitasking, and so of course, 0:24:34.119 --> 0:24:35.600 like how are they going to learn? 0:24:35.960 --> 0:24:38.480 You're not going to learn. And this is what means 0:24:38.720 --> 0:24:41.360 they're so tempting on they to just shove them a screen, 0:24:41.480 --> 0:24:45.879 because that's what we do if we're feeling disregulated, We 0:24:46.000 --> 0:24:49.399 get on Instagram or TikTok and we scroll until we're calm, 0:24:49.560 --> 0:24:51.919 and we're teaching them to do the same thing. And 0:24:52.000 --> 0:24:55.640 I think we are losing the arts of just feeling, 0:24:55.960 --> 0:25:00.199 which is why when we get a feeling that's a 0:25:00.240 --> 0:25:04.280 bit surprising, we say we're hyper sensitive or our feelings 0:25:04.320 --> 0:25:05.320 are bigger than other people. 0:25:05.680 --> 0:25:06.040 They're not. 0:25:06.320 --> 0:25:08.919 They're meant to be this big. We've just forgotten what 0:25:09.000 --> 0:25:10.720 to do with them. 0:25:10.920 --> 0:25:13.000 Yeah, I mean, how many times are I was like, yeah, 0:25:13.040 --> 0:25:14.160 she's really sensitive? 0:25:15.240 --> 0:25:18.439 What exactly? But that's you see, it's like you're trying 0:25:18.440 --> 0:25:22.959 to excuse something that is perfectly normal and natural, Like 0:25:23.480 --> 0:25:27.240