Speaker 1: Hell I Suck at Dating with Dengler and Dared Haven
Speaker 1: and I heard radio podcast What's going on everyone, And
Speaker 1: welcome to an all new episode of help Suck At Dating.
Speaker 1: And we've got Don Dais who's joining us, who actually
Speaker 1: writes books about having children, the first and the second
Speaker 1: and even if you want to run a marathons, you
Speaker 1: can give you a little bit of input on that too. Um. Don,
Speaker 1: I know we kind of talked a little bit at
Speaker 1: the top of this, but Phillison on everything you've been doing,
Speaker 1: because the main reason you're here was to talk Jared
Speaker 1: through a lot of the probably the parenting crisis that
Speaker 1: he's facing right now. But Philip put through all the
Speaker 1: listeners on what you go on, what you help people with. Um.
Speaker 1: I've written in a series of books called Vision No
Speaker 1: One Tells You. I started off writing a book. I
Speaker 1: knew that I wanted that to be the title before
Speaker 1: I knew what the book was actually going to be about.
Speaker 1: It was about a week after I had my first baby,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I know my next book is
Speaker 1: going to be all the No One Tells You About baby.
Speaker 1: So I wrote that one, and then I wrote about
Speaker 1: toddlers and baby number two and pregnancy, and so that's
Speaker 1: kind of been my jam for a little while. So
Speaker 1: how often does it happen where you be, where you
Speaker 1: get the title before you get the meat of the book.
Speaker 1: Very rarely. That title just sort of hit me like
Speaker 1: eight five times a day, and then the first couple
Speaker 1: of weeks so and there's a often you'll come up
Speaker 1: with the title and when the publisher want to change
Speaker 1: it because it just doesn't like work for marketing or whatever.
Speaker 1: And I was like, we're writing this into my contract
Speaker 1: that this is the title of this book, and I
Speaker 1: finish you that it will sell because every parent, like
Speaker 1: those first few weeks and months are like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: there's so much no one told me. So there's so
Speaker 1: much that no one told us. Yes, yes, I'm not
Speaker 1: sure that you can actually be I mean, people can
Speaker 1: tell you all of it. It's something about being in
Speaker 1: it that it just all becomes very really really really
Speaker 1: really quickly. So yeah, that's what I kind of wrote
Speaker 1: at that time. Well it's funny too, because there's a
Speaker 1: very popular child's book called Everyone Poops, and then there's
Speaker 1: also now this very popular adult book called that No
Speaker 1: One Tells Us Full circle. It's it's full circle. Very
Speaker 1: number two centric baby talking books. Um okay, so so
Speaker 1: what inspires you to write this first book? Then? Uh, well,
Speaker 1: this isn't your first This isn't your first book. And no,
Speaker 1: my first book was about training for a marathon if
Speaker 1: you're a lazy person, so basically just to do like
Speaker 1: ridiculous things and then I write books about them. So
Speaker 1: parents was far more ridiculous than a marathon. But there's
Speaker 1: a lot of similarities, I guess. I mean, having a
Speaker 1: baby isn't along a lot of ways like a marathon,
Speaker 1: I would imagine, rights, it's much longer, it's than a marathon. Yeah,
Speaker 1: eight thirty years. So yeah, the marathon went by a
Speaker 1: lot quicker than baby making thing has. So you're just
Speaker 1: like you're serial author in a lot of ways. Then yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: nice nice. Okay, Well, so for Jared obviously, since he's
Speaker 1: not here, which is fortunate because he's he's the other
Speaker 1: reason why we wanted to have you on as a
Speaker 1: guest in part some of your wisdom for him? What
Speaker 1: is this that no one tells you about parenting? I mean,
Speaker 1: obviously say for you know, we want to buy your book,
Speaker 1: we want to read it like, don't spill too many details,
Speaker 1: but like I think, um, you know, I wrote my
Speaker 1: pregnancy version of the book and I included partners in
Speaker 1: it because I would get a lot of emails from
Speaker 1: dad's who read my first book, because you know, I
Speaker 1: think they were tracted to the word on the cover
Speaker 1: and they're like this sauce and my all in and
Speaker 1: it didn't speak really to the partners as much as
Speaker 1: the moms. Is kind of like surviving. But it was
Speaker 1: really cute because a lot of guys would reach out
Speaker 1: to me and they wanted to like figure out how
Speaker 1: to do it and how to help. And so my
Speaker 1: pregnancy one that I wrote, I brought in the partners
Speaker 1: and kind of gave advice to them. So, you know,
Speaker 1: for him, I think I wrote a list before I
Speaker 1: got on the call with you guys, and my number
Speaker 1: one rule was as a partner, never appear well rested
Speaker 1: like and then also never complain about being tired, because
Speaker 1: even if you're going to work and she's staying home
Speaker 1: or whatever, you're never as tired as she is. And
Speaker 1: for the partners, I think, you know, if the breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: it's really important to get up when that baby cries
Speaker 1: and like just misery loves company. I had a friend
Speaker 1: that we get so mad at her husband should be breastfeeding,
Speaker 1: Like what's he supposed to do? He can't do anything,
Speaker 1: and he'd he'd fall back to sleep and she'd just
Speaker 1: be like this guy and staring at him like how
Speaker 1: dare you? And so you know, my partner got up
Speaker 1: every time that baby cried and like got the baby
Speaker 1: changed and like hand the baby to me and like
Speaker 1: got me some water and then went back to bed.
Speaker 1: So we're all suffering, Like everyone needs to suffer together.
Speaker 1: So that's kind of like the biggest piece of advice
Speaker 1: for partners is like just go in there and you know,
Speaker 1: suffer with the mom basically. Well, and you kind of
Speaker 1: alluded to it a little bit there, but how much
Speaker 1: do you draw from personal experience for writing the book? Oh,
Speaker 1: it's it's a lot of my personal experience. But in
Speaker 1: this and all of my books, I bring in other people,
Speaker 1: Like I have my mom's on the front line, So
Speaker 1: I have all these different moms that I know, and
Speaker 1: I would kind of pose all the questions to them
Speaker 1: as well, because there's just no one way to do
Speaker 1: it and something that works today is not necessarily going
Speaker 1: to work tomorrow with your kids. So it's always good
Speaker 1: to have lots of options and ultimately just know that
Speaker 1: like we're all winging it and you'll figure it out.
Speaker 1: You'll figure out your baby. You're just kind of getting
Speaker 1: to know each other. And you know, it's just a
Speaker 1: lot of trial and error, especially at the beginning, well
Speaker 1: the whole process actually beginning middle and then it's all
Speaker 1: trial there and then also during COVID it's like a
Speaker 1: whole another added stress and aspect to it all. And
Speaker 1: his brother the first Ungler to have a baby. So
Speaker 1: his brother is having a baby. I think next week, right,
Speaker 1: he's not an ungler but he's a bell But yes,
Speaker 1: you will be. I'll be an uncle for the first time. Um.
Speaker 1: So I have to send this podcast episode to him
Speaker 1: to be able to prepare for it. February it is
Speaker 1: they're expected to day. So, um, is there any Is
Speaker 1: there any guidance in the book for being a good uncle?
Speaker 1: And no, I would say being a good uncle you
Speaker 1: want to give them as much space as you can.
Speaker 1: Being a good supportive friend or uncle is you know,
Speaker 1: kind of feeling out how much they really want to
Speaker 1: go and see the baby with COVID and everything. Now,
Speaker 1: it's that's a whole thing. But just give people as
Speaker 1: much space as they need at the beginning, and try
Speaker 1: not to crowd them because it's just it's super overwhelming.
Speaker 1: And if you're nearby, or if you're not nearby, you
Speaker 1: could send them like a meal, door dash or something
Speaker 1: like that. Be supportive, but like, don't show up on announced,
Speaker 1: don't like push yourself on them because they're just like
Speaker 1: barely hanging on. Usually. Yeah, it's it's it's funny you
Speaker 1: mention that too, because I was staying at my brother's
Speaker 1: house for like a week up until a week ago,
Speaker 1: and he was like, Dan, you gotta get the hell
Speaker 1: out of here, man, Like we have a baby coming
Speaker 1: on in a week, like we just need to prepare
Speaker 1: for it, and we just can't have you staying with
Speaker 1: us anymore. And then in the back of my head,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I totally understand where you're coming from, but
Speaker 1: pardon me. Was also like, oh crap, I can't belie
Speaker 1: get kicked out of my brother's house right now. But
Speaker 1: I I fully agree with where you're coming from. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to give them as much space as I possibly can't. Um,
Speaker 1: how about for us, so Caitlin and I we we
Speaker 1: have no children, um, but we That's where I was
Speaker 1: going with that one. So we we bicker quite a
Speaker 1: bit about our parenting styles for our new dog. Um.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure obviously having a dog child and having
Speaker 1: a human child are incredibly vastly different things, but I'm
Speaker 1: sure there's a lot of similarities to like, what do
Speaker 1: you say when maybe parents have two different parenting styles,
Speaker 1: Like one is maybe like way too attentive and the
Speaker 1: other one's way to lax, Like is there any like
Speaker 1: type of balance they're able to find there. I think
Speaker 1: it's great to have a pet in advance of having
Speaker 1: a kid because it kind of gets you used to
Speaker 1: instead of being these two independent people, you have to
Speaker 1: work together on this project and ultimately that's what kids
Speaker 1: are of their group project and you have to get
Speaker 1: on this same page at least. You have to pick
Speaker 1: sort of one route forward, and there's a lot of
Speaker 1: compromise involved in that. And having a dog is a
Speaker 1: good first that you know, like because it's really not
Speaker 1: anything like having a baby. But our compromises, there's conversations there.
Speaker 1: You know, you you both are caring for one thing
Speaker 1: instead of being too independent people. So you know, there
Speaker 1: are similarities in that regard, but you know, you can't
Speaker 1: leave a kid in a crate and then like go
Speaker 1: out the night. It's not it's really looked down upon it.
Speaker 1: So it's that's quite the same. But I did think
Speaker 1: it's a good first step because I remember I got
Speaker 1: a puppy before I had a baby, and it was
Speaker 1: just like mind boggling to me the lack of freedom
Speaker 1: I had once. You know, I'm like, oh, I gotta
Speaker 1: go home. This thing's gonna was living in a condo.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, this thing's gonna like pope all over
Speaker 1: my house. You know, like like I just had so
Speaker 1: much freedom, and then that animal brings you back to
Speaker 1: like responsibility and then a kid is just you know
Speaker 1: that times a million. But it's a good first step
Speaker 1: for sure. Well it's funny you mentioned too that having
Speaker 1: a child is kind of like the penultimate group projects
Speaker 1: from college or high school or whatever it is. I
Speaker 1: hated hated group projects, So I really hope that's uh
Speaker 1: that maybe in my older older age, I've gotten better
Speaker 1: with them. But so is there like generally one thing
Speaker 1: that newborn parents disagree on most like is there one
Speaker 1: thing that you've seen and I don't know your discoveries
Speaker 1: or your learnings that like people tend to like butt
Speaker 1: heads on the most about I think it's just like
Speaker 1: the sleep deprivation makestion into an insane person. And so
Speaker 1: you just like you fight over the stupidest stuff, and
Speaker 1: you just have to be like you have to give
Speaker 1: each other a lot of grace because you are not sleeping,
Speaker 1: you're not bathing, like it's it's dark days, and so
Speaker 1: you can start fighting over just the stupidest stuff and
Speaker 1: you're having these arguments and whispers because you don't want
Speaker 1: to wake the baby, like and like it's just this
Speaker 1: like weird in lest psychotic time and so there's not
Speaker 1: you're usually not arguing over bid stuff. It's little tiny stuff.
Speaker 1: And some have if a bit, someone knock on your
Speaker 1: door and like make that dog start barking when the
Speaker 1: kid is sleeping. Oh, it's over. Like you're screaming at
Speaker 1: each other, screaming at the person, just like screaming at
Speaker 1: the dog, and it's just just super heightened time. So
Speaker 1: I think for guys, it's really important for them to
Speaker 1: get in there and learn and make time with their
Speaker 1: kids because I was I had no idea what to
Speaker 1: do with the baby when I had a baby, and
Speaker 1: I would instantly like hand the baby off because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to break her. I don't want to
Speaker 1: break her. And when she's learned, heads bobbling everywhere, and
Speaker 1: so you have nobody knows what they're doing. You're not
Speaker 1: gonna break the baby, So like you need to get
Speaker 1: in there. My partner would give the baby a bath
Speaker 1: every night, and just because I was breastfeeding, and so
Speaker 1: I would go have my time alone and they would
Speaker 1: connect with baby, do a feeding every once in a while.
Speaker 1: Like you, none of us know what we're doing, so
Speaker 1: you kind of have to get to know the baby.
Speaker 1: You gotta, you gotta, you know, do the learning curve
Speaker 1: early and often because it's not easy. It's not easy
Speaker 1: for anybody. So I think the biggest thing, especially for
Speaker 1: partners is to like really show up and show that
Speaker 1: you're trying, even if you're failing, Just like show that
Speaker 1: you're trying and help out around the house and contribute
Speaker 1: and don't appear to be well arrested. That's number one.
Speaker 1: Don't wait what is it don't tell you the other
Speaker 1: parent that you're well arrested, don't appear to be well arrested.
Speaker 1: And if mom is not showering, nobody's showering, like that
Speaker 1: would be That's been an argument before. It's like someone
Speaker 1: walks in, they've showered you, Like what when? When did
Speaker 1: you have time to shower? What's like it's like it's
Speaker 1: crazy new life that you're leading that Heaven forbid you
Speaker 1: take a time out of your day to shower and
Speaker 1: your partner hasn't had that opportunity, and all hell can
Speaker 1: break loose. It's just little stuff and how long does
Speaker 1: this last for? Like how long does that stage last? For?
Speaker 1: Um less for a while, Like I don't want to
Speaker 1: make anybody too scared, But once you get out like
Speaker 1: the toddler years. My kids are eight and ten now
Speaker 1: and they're great. I think probably maybe six and eight
Speaker 1: we really hit a stride where well, but there's there
Speaker 1: was two of them, so there would be a lot
Speaker 1: of like you know, just poking at each other and
Speaker 1: being breast together. And so now they're just fine, they're
Speaker 1: just they're good kids. But three or four year olds
Speaker 1: or not the funnest. So once you get past three
Speaker 1: or four years old, they kind of get into they're
Speaker 1: just they become little humans. They're just they're not quite
Speaker 1: humans until that age, and there's a lot of emotion
Speaker 1: they don't know how to process. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: screaming to them. You're living with like an insane person.
Speaker 1: You're like, why are you screaming? They don't know what
Speaker 1: they're screaming. And then everybody's super stressed out. But as
Speaker 1: far as partners go, you kind of get into your
Speaker 1: groove early and figure it out. Hopefully by year three
Speaker 1: and four you're not still fighting over the same stuff
Speaker 1: because you figured it out. You know. Yeah, well, so
Speaker 1: you mentioned breastfeeding earlier to how like when the mom
Speaker 1: is breastfeeding and the dad can't really do much about it,
Speaker 1: Like the dad goes off and goes to sleep. Is
Speaker 1: there anything that the dad can do to like help
Speaker 1: either the breastfeeding process or like, let's say the mother
Speaker 1: is exhausted the baby is hungry, Like, is there anything
Speaker 1: like the husband can do or the father can do
Speaker 1: in that case? Like, you can always think it just
Speaker 1: kind of depends on the mom as far as what
Speaker 1: she wants to do. You can always encourage her to
Speaker 1: pump between feedings and freeze the milk, and then you
Speaker 1: can give a feeding. If you can give like one
Speaker 1: feeding a night, you'll be a godsend. Um. And also
Speaker 1: just if that's not a possibility, then do the dishes.
Speaker 1: Do the laundry, because stuff like, for some reason, this
Speaker 1: little thing makes more laundry than seems entirely even possible.
Speaker 1: But they're just like you put something on in there,
Speaker 1: if you're gone, you're like, all right, next thing, So
Speaker 1: do the laundry, do the dishes, do things to make
Speaker 1: it easier in other areas, and like I said, keep
Speaker 1: her a little like breastfeeding section well stopped water magazines.
Speaker 1: I had, like make sure she has everything when she
Speaker 1: has because it's you basically are just like, change to
Speaker 1: that chair because at the breastfeed this kid for hours,
Speaker 1: you know. So yeah, and insist on trying to take
Speaker 1: a feeding down and again and if she'll if she'll
Speaker 1: pump and like or formula feed, if you guys want
Speaker 1: to formulate fly now and again. Yeah. Well, Jared, I
Speaker 1: hope you're listening to this because it sounds like a
Speaker 1: lot of very good advice. Um, it sounds like your
Speaker 1: firstborn was a girl. Was your second born also girl? Boy? Oh? Boy? Okay,
Speaker 1: so obviously it's different because you had the boy after
Speaker 1: already having the girl. But did you notice a difference
Speaker 1: in like the early stages with either the boy or
Speaker 1: the girl. Um. I noticed difference in early stages in
Speaker 1: me because I was a mess with my first one.
Speaker 1: I was just like I had no idea was doing.
Speaker 1: I was so nervous. I was so wanting every stage
Speaker 1: to come quick, like I just when is she going
Speaker 1: to sleep? When she going to do this? When you
Speaker 1: and I was just like so crazy and so worried
Speaker 1: about something bad happening. And I noticed to do with
Speaker 1: kids or babies, like they're just completely foreign. So when
Speaker 1: my second came, I was just a completely different person
Speaker 1: and he was a different baby. Um, he was a
Speaker 1: little easier, but I'm not even sure if he was easier.
Speaker 1: I think I was just calmer. I was. If he
Speaker 1: didn't sleep, I was like, okay, asleep, eventually he's going
Speaker 1: to fall asleep. You're good. You're staying there. That's where
Speaker 1: you're staying. And when I'm not moving you, I'm not
Speaker 1: doing Like I wasn't trying to follow any rules. I
Speaker 1: was just like, we're just going to roll with it.
Speaker 1: And so I'd be up all night with him, but
Speaker 1: I wasn't like stressed out about it. I knew eventually
Speaker 1: he'd sleep and everything would eventually happen. So it was
Speaker 1: just much more present with him because I wasn't as nervous.
Speaker 1: I knew everything would be okay, less nervous, more callous.
Speaker 1: You've been through the ring of fire before, so you
Speaker 1: know exactly what to expect and you could deal with
Speaker 1: it no problem. Yeah. Yeah, And I mean there are
Speaker 1: different babies that have different issues, but like even things
Speaker 1: like breast being, I could do it the second time.
Speaker 1: It wasn't this learning curve. I knew, I knew how
Speaker 1: to operate a baby. He was different, but it wasn't
Speaker 1: as difficult. And there they are very different humans. It's
Speaker 1: very it's very fun um the difference between a boy
Speaker 1: and a girl, my boy and a girl. There's other
Speaker 1: people that have boys and girls that aren't you know,
Speaker 1: your standard boy and girl. But she's just a sensitive
Speaker 1: little ball of love and light. And he's just like,
Speaker 1: you know, fart jokes and like video games, and it's
Speaker 1: just so funny because he's such a sense of bloyment. Also,
Speaker 1: he realized heavily on fart jokes, and that's just I mean,
Speaker 1: as as a thirty year old man, I still rely
Speaker 1: pretty heavily on fart jokes. So I see where he's
Speaker 1: going from stuff he throws out. You're just like, all right,
Speaker 1: well that's just born in. That is just born in,
Speaker 1: but entertains me constantly. So yeah, it's funny. Full disclosure,
Speaker 1: I'm not really too keen on having kids, but Kalen is,
Speaker 1: and so I'm gonna. I feel like I've been asking
Speaker 1: all questions. I wanted her to ask some questions now,
Speaker 1: I mean my biggest thing, I don't know. I have
Speaker 1: feel like you asked them all. I also don't know
Speaker 1: if I want to have kids. I just did a
Speaker 1: fertility test to see if I can even have them,
Speaker 1: but I found out I'm fertile enough. Maybe potentially step one.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I just have such a fear of children,
Speaker 1: and like hearing all the horror stories, but obviously like
Speaker 1: they do bring such a light into your life, but
Speaker 1: I'm just terrified and hearing these stories, I'm like, will
Speaker 1: we ever sleep again? Will we ever be able to
Speaker 1: lead normal lives again, have sex again. It's like, how
Speaker 1: old are you guys early thirties, he's thirty. Oh, you're
Speaker 1: still very young. Yeah, I mean you know, like it's
Speaker 1: there's no rush, you know, it's not like your forty
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, I literally I've got it, taking
Speaker 1: clock care. I mean, you have plenty of time too.
Speaker 1: I think on my second when I was thirty five. Um, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's pros and cons to doing it earlier and later.
Speaker 1: When you do it a little later like I did,
Speaker 1: you're very conscious of what you're missing out on because
Speaker 1: you had this amazing life before. And then it's kind
Speaker 1: of but like I said, if we all settled in,
Speaker 1: you know, like I always tell them there, they were
Speaker 1: a ton of work, and I always tell them like,
Speaker 1: I had to give up caffeine and sushi and that's
Speaker 1: about it. Caffeine and sushi were the big thing that
Speaker 1: had to give up to to have them. And they
Speaker 1: were like, oh, because I know that's like my whole life,
Speaker 1: that's my diet is katheine and sushi. So I always
Speaker 1: tell them, you know, the things I gave up. I
Speaker 1: didn't sleep for five years, and they know I love
Speaker 1: that too, and then I'm like, but you guys are
Speaker 1: worth every second of it, you know. They it's a
Speaker 1: weird thing because yes, it's so hardest thing you'll ever do,
Speaker 1: and then the best thing you ever do, you know,
Speaker 1: and it's definitely front loaded with the hard park, and
Speaker 1: then it gets into these really amazing times when you're
Speaker 1: just watching these little humans that you created become humans
Speaker 1: and you to like witness that. So I think it's
Speaker 1: worth it. But it is like you have to go
Speaker 1: into annoying. It's going to be really really hard in
Speaker 1: the beginning, and eventually it'll be worth it. I think
Speaker 1: people always say, you know, it gets better, it gets better,
Speaker 1: and you're just like, okay, if it's not better by
Speaker 1: like midnight, then I don't want to talk about it,
Speaker 1: you know, because like you're not helpful. I haven't slept
Speaker 1: the bathe in two weeks. Like I don't want to
Speaker 1: hear about it getting better right now. It's it's not
Speaker 1: all so so it does get better though, as cliche
Speaker 1: as that sounds, Yeah, And the crazy thing about it, it
Speaker 1: it seems to me from the outside looking in, is
Speaker 1: like you just you never get a break, Like when
Speaker 1: you go to work, you go to work for four
Speaker 1: year to sixty hours a week whatever it is, and
Speaker 1: then the other hours of the week you get to
Speaker 1: like just not even worry about work. But when you
Speaker 1: have a kid, there's no off time, Like you're constantly
Speaker 1: thinking about him, You're constantly doing stuff for him and
Speaker 1: all that kind of stuff. It just it seems like
Speaker 1: a lot. Yes, it is a lot. That's why I
Speaker 1: always say the partners maybe if there's somebody staying home
Speaker 1: and someone going to work, the one going to work
Speaker 1: so always like, oh, I gotta go to work and
Speaker 1: I gotta come home. With being home with that baby
Speaker 1: the whole time is so much more dusting than going
Speaker 1: to work. Like I used to love, we would have
Speaker 1: a sitter three days a week, and I just feel
Speaker 1: like here you go, and i mean like, you know,
Speaker 1: six hours to work and I'm like, oh, this is
Speaker 1: awesome because it's just time to just sort of decompress.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I do think one of the biggest parts
Speaker 1: is the consciousness of that other human constantly. That's a
Speaker 1: huge thing to carry around with you, is that you
Speaker 1: don't you can't really prepare for that, you know, you're
Speaker 1: just sort of always thinking about them. And if they're
Speaker 1: okay and they're well being. I don't know what I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do when they're like in college or even in
Speaker 1: high school. My friends and I from high school were like, yeah,
Speaker 1: they're not ever leaving the mask because the Mattocratic stuff
Speaker 1: we got into it, Like Nope, Nope, they're not leaving
Speaker 1: the house. Like it just that's gonna be That's gonna
Speaker 1: be super hard when they're outside of your reach. You know,
Speaker 1: we've been, uh, we've been watching you for you lately.
Speaker 1: That's all I can think about the entire time. It's like, man,
Speaker 1: these parents don't even know what the kids are up to.
Speaker 1: It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, that's a whole another like yeah
Speaker 1: a Bokols. Yeah, that's like just a whole another level
Speaker 1: because they're just sort of outside of your ability to
Speaker 1: hold and keep safe, you know. So that's scary. Well,
Speaker 1: I've got a question for you. So, Kayla mentioned it
Speaker 1: a little bit earlier about sex after birth. I do
Speaker 1: you mention that in your book at all, like when
Speaker 1: you feel it is like a good time. I mean
Speaker 1: obviously like there's a lot of conversations to be had
Speaker 1: around that, but is it like a general rule of
Speaker 1: thumb for that. I think there's a general like medical
Speaker 1: time that you're supposed to wait. I think it's six
Speaker 1: weeks or something like that. I mean, it probably depends
Speaker 1: on whether you have a c section or natural birth.
Speaker 1: Really it's up to the woman because there's a huge
Speaker 1: part of when in your breastfeed. But even after your breastfeed,
Speaker 1: the toddler stages, you have these humans on you, like
Speaker 1: they just are on you all the time. There's it's
Speaker 1: a weird even like I don't know how big your
Speaker 1: dog is, but you know, like my dog, my little
Speaker 1: leapt dog, I'd sit down and or like sit on me.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's like, you know, lick your face like that.
Speaker 1: But you like kids will just come up and just
Speaker 1: they're just like this all they're constantly touching you, and
Speaker 1: then you miss it when they stopped doing that, you know,
Speaker 1: when they don't want to, you know, hug them, and
Speaker 1: you're it's like, oh, but women can get to a
Speaker 1: point at the end of the day where they're very
Speaker 1: touched out and they're like, do not come near me,
Speaker 1: and as a thing to do with you, it's just
Speaker 1: oh my god, if another human touches me today, I'm
Speaker 1: going to lose my mind. So it's really about sort
Speaker 1: of navigating her and making and not making her feel
Speaker 1: like you're pressuring her. And you'll probably get a lot
Speaker 1: farther if you give her space and be very attentive
Speaker 1: to knowing that that's what she's dealing with and you
Speaker 1: probably dealing with the two you know, there's something about
Speaker 1: like put the baby down, and you're just like, so, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't think there's any one right answer, but I
Speaker 1: do think it's important to stay connected, you know, and
Speaker 1: that you can start to really disconnect because you're just
Speaker 1: so tired and at the end of the day that
Speaker 1: sometimes doesn't it's not a priority because you're just like,
Speaker 1: I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, so it's
Speaker 1: really have to be a conscious effort between the two
Speaker 1: of you to stay connected. Sometimes that's just date night,
Speaker 1: you know. Sometimes it's not sex. Sometimes it has to
Speaker 1: start with like the two of you leaving the baby
Speaker 1: with someone and going and just having a conversation and
Speaker 1: not talking about the baby, not talking about the baby's poop,
Speaker 1: not talking about anything, just like just talking to each
Speaker 1: other like humans like he used to do, you know, right, right,
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, it really disupposed that communication every step
Speaker 1: of the way. It sounds like, um, well, don, thank
Speaker 1: you so much for joining us. I'm so bummed that
Speaker 1: Jared wasn't here because he like he could have benefited,
Speaker 1: and he will benefit because he's gonna listen back to
Speaker 1: this on Spotify, on iTunes or wherever he gets his podcasts,
Speaker 1: but he's gonna tune in. He's gonna learn a lot
Speaker 1: from you. If you want to learn more from Don Days,
Speaker 1: be sure to check out her book that No One
Speaker 1: tells You and You're sequel to that? Which is what
Speaker 1: is the name of the sequel to that? Well, there's
Speaker 1: no one tells about pregnancy. No one tells you about toddlers,
Speaker 1: and toddler tells you about baby number two? Stopped that too.
Speaker 1: I don't recommend more than I mean it's it sounds
Speaker 1: like it's only been six years, so there still might
Speaker 1: be a number three at some point. You know who knows? Ye?
Speaker 1: You never know. Um, before we say goodbye to you,
Speaker 1: do you just have one piece of advice for the listeners,
Speaker 1: like one general piece of advice. It doesn't It can
Speaker 1: be super general, it can be specific, whatever you want,
Speaker 1: Just one piece of advice. Like parting words. I think
Speaker 1: the thing that people connect with my books is that, um,
Speaker 1: it's just honest that it's really hard. And I think
Speaker 1: you know, you're you're told that this is this is
Speaker 1: a little miracle that you're bringing home, and you feel
Speaker 1: really bad if you're looking at this miracle and you're like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, this is ridiculous. It's just the hardest
Speaker 1: thing I've ever done, and my life has been blown up.
Speaker 1: And that's all okay to think, you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: okay if it's hard. It's supposed to be hard, but
Speaker 1: doing it right, it's very, very hard. So I think
Speaker 1: that it's beneficial to everyone to know that it's going
Speaker 1: to get better, but it's going to be really hard
Speaker 1: and it's hard for all of us. Well, that's great advice.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you what though done. The very first book
Speaker 1: of Years I'm going to pick up is How to
Speaker 1: Run It Wait, the ship that no one tells you
Speaker 1: about running a marathon instead of the ship that no
Speaker 1: one tells you about everything else. So I think I
Speaker 1: think I'll run a marathon before you know, other stuff happened. Hopefully.
Speaker 1: I highly recommend doing that instead of watching a page hopefully, hopefully.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining us again, for the
Speaker 1: listeners out there, check her out Dan Dais and check
Speaker 1: out her sounds like you've got like so many books,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure we'll see a lot more from you
Speaker 1: um coming down the line. So I appreciate you joining us,
Speaker 1: and thanks for partner all your wisdom on us. Thanks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: follow help by suck at Dating on I Heart Radio
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to podcast