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Speaker 1: April Buyer is a twenty five year professional matchmaker, relationship

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Speaker 1: expert and founder of Level Connections, a first of its

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Speaker 1: kind matchmaking platform making professional matchmaking more accessible for serious

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Speaker 1: singles and more scalable for the matchmakers who serve them.

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Speaker 2: Hi, April, Hello, Kelly.

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Speaker 1: Well, I had all these questions ready to start the podcast,

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Speaker 1: and then you just dropped the biggest, most amazing bomb

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Speaker 1: on me, and I can't stop geeking out about it.

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Speaker 1: But I know my listeners know that I went to

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Speaker 1: Second City over the holiday break in Chicago, which is

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Speaker 1: like an improv. It's kind of like being at a

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Speaker 1: live SNL performance, is what I would say. And you

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Speaker 1: just told me that you used to be a part

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Speaker 1: of the Groundlings and then Second City. Can you tell

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Speaker 1: the listeners about that hella bit.

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Speaker 2: Yes, it's so interesting.

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Speaker 3: I don't often talk about it because it feels so

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Speaker 3: unrelated to what I do sure in my career, but yes,

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Speaker 3: in my twenties, I was actually friends with Will Ferrell

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Speaker 3: before he got SNL okay, and Will was the reason

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Speaker 3: I went to the Groundings.

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Speaker 2: He's like, you've got to go.

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Speaker 3: April, and I went, and I loved comedy as a

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Speaker 3: little girl. I wanted to be, you know, the wicked stepmother,

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Speaker 3: not the princess, because whatever was character, I wanted to

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Speaker 3: do it. And I went there and I enjoyed it.

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Speaker 3: It was really good training. But it was hard to

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Speaker 3: be a young woman in those days, in those kind

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Speaker 3: of early comedy days, because they really wanted people that

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Speaker 3: looked more like caricature. So they were harder on women,

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Speaker 3: I felt, especially if you looked a certain way. And

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Speaker 3: then I eventually went over to Second City and I

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Speaker 3: graduated from their two year program and that's where I

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Speaker 3: found my home. That's where I was part of writers'

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Speaker 3: groups and directing, and it was just so such a

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Speaker 3: different space of people welcoming you all types. You know,

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Speaker 3: you could go off character, off type, and I loved

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Speaker 3: every single second of it, every second of it. I

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Speaker 3: did a writer's workshop one time. My parents and my

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Speaker 3: family were there and I had four characters, and after

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Speaker 3: the show, my mom came.

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Speaker 2: Up to me. She said, you were so funny.

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Speaker 3: Is that old lady on the porch that was, you know,

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Speaker 3: sweeping everybody away with your broom? I wish you would

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Speaker 3: have more roles though tonight, And I said, mom, I

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Speaker 3: was in three other scenes and she.

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Speaker 1: Didn't even know. Well that's a testament to how good

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Speaker 1: you were.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but you.

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Speaker 3: Said before we started that you had so much fun

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Speaker 3: I did attending with the group.

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Speaker 2: Why do you think that is? Why is it so

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Speaker 2: fun to be there?

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Speaker 1: Well, I think, for one, just in the way that

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Speaker 1: the world is right now. We all just need to laugh,

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Speaker 1: you know, And it's so light, and it was so like,

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Speaker 1: I'm so impressed by all of the talent that's up

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Speaker 1: on that stage. And I was saying this to you

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Speaker 1: before the podcast, but how people do it, how they

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Speaker 1: think on their feet, how they're that creative and funny

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Speaker 1: at the same time. I mean, the audience was out

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Speaker 1: the most random topics that I've ever heard, and they

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Speaker 1: would make a whole skit about it, and I would

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Speaker 1: find myself crying. I was laughing so hard, you know.

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Speaker 1: So I think that's just it's a very connecting moment

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Speaker 1: when you're laughing with people. And we had a group

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Speaker 1: of family that came with us, and we just had

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Speaker 1: the best time and left in such a positive mindset,

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Speaker 1: which is such a lovely experience, especially with the heaviness

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Speaker 1: that I think we're feeling on the day to day

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Speaker 1: right now, you.

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Speaker 3: Know, one hundred percent. And you were asking me as

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Speaker 3: well as like, how do you have the confidence to

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Speaker 3: be up there when you speak to that and you

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Speaker 3: speak to the laughter, and how you felt like you

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Speaker 3: walked in one way you left another way, you felt

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Speaker 3: part of a collective, you were you were on a

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Speaker 3: more positive note when you left. And I think it's

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Speaker 3: because laughter is truth, and when we're laughing at something,

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Speaker 3: we are more.

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Speaker 2: Alive than ever before.

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Speaker 3: And it is more difficult to make people laugh than

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Speaker 3: it is to make them cry, because we laugh more

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Speaker 3: than we cry. Right, So, yeah, if you can actually

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Speaker 3: do it and make someone really just get into their spirits.

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Speaker 2: So think about it.

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Speaker 3: If you're laughing, you're nowhere else. You are exactly right

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Speaker 3: there in the present moment. And that's what's so addictive

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Speaker 3: for people who are on those stages as well as

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Speaker 3: people that are there and having this collective experience, because

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Speaker 3: you're just feeling so alive because it's real. You know,

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Speaker 3: there's an old saying, open up their malls with laughter

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Speaker 3: and shut in the truth. Right, Oh, that's what's so

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Speaker 3: great about this kind of setup.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well you mentioned that somehow that improv is helping

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Speaker 1: you now you feel in your matchmaking world. And I

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Speaker 1: always think this is an interesting piece of most people's stories,

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Speaker 1: is we start, you know, we were really young. We're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to go down this path and we have

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Speaker 1: to decide what we're going to do with the rest

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Speaker 1: of our lives at eighteen when you go to college,

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Speaker 1: you know. So I have a major in communications and

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Speaker 1: public relations, which I actually say I do use now

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Speaker 1: as well, But it took me a long time to

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Speaker 1: make that connection of not exactly doing that job and

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Speaker 1: how I was putting those practices into my life now.

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Speaker 1: But I'm curious for you, how are you using improv

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Speaker 1: and how did you make the transition into matchmaking? How

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Speaker 1: do you think that's helping you now and things like that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's everything.

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Speaker 3: So not only did I have a background in improv,

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Speaker 3: but I was also a Meisner actor. For anybody who

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Speaker 3: understands Meser, Meisner is a training program, a classical program,

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Speaker 3: which essentially is another thing of what are you getting

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Speaker 3: from your partner, Like what is in the moment right,

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Speaker 3: what do you hear, what do you what do you feel?

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Speaker 2: What's around you?

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Speaker 3: And it's it's not an overplanning kind of structure. So

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Speaker 3: I had all that in my background, and I had

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Speaker 3: met a matchmaker gosh in my twenties. We were in

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Speaker 3: a masterclass together and we were friendly, and one day

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Speaker 3: she says to me, Hey, you know, my mother has

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Speaker 3: this matchmaking company and I've just started helping her out

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Speaker 3: in the LA area. I need some help, you know

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Speaker 3: you what are you up to right now? And I

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Speaker 3: had been directing, and I had been in customer service.

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Speaker 3: I'd been doing a lot of things at the time.

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Speaker 3: Remember I'm in my twenties, right, I'm single. And I said, oh, well,

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Speaker 3: that's that's interesting. So I started showing up at her

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Speaker 3: office and started helping her, and sure enough, within a year,

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Speaker 3: I was so deeply ensconced in what I was doing.

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Speaker 2: Over there, and it was like character study.

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Speaker 3: We would sit on the floors and we would look

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Speaker 3: at her profile, his profile, read the he and he said,

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Speaker 3: she said, of dating feedback, and it was so fun

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Speaker 3: to put pieces together. And that's what improv is, right,

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Speaker 3: It's about putting pieces together. And for me, I evolved

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Speaker 3: into not only a matchmaker by working there, right, seeing

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Speaker 3: sort of the inherent flaws of the matchmaking industry, spent

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Speaker 3: six years there before I started my own company. But

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Speaker 3: for me, the getting people ready for a date, the

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Speaker 3: post date, guiding people through their journey of creating a relationship.

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Speaker 3: A lot of that was my training because when you're

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Speaker 3: trained in sort of that Misner work or Statoslavsky or

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Speaker 3: your improv, you are constantly breaking down characters, scenes. If

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Speaker 3: I go to my parents' house right now, there are

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Speaker 3: books and books and books and books and books of

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Speaker 3: me just writing history on people. Why do they do

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Speaker 3: what they do, What do they do when they wake

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Speaker 3: up in the morning, how do they react to this?

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Speaker 3: What's their educational background, socio economic background, their religious background.

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Speaker 3: So I look at what sets me apart from other

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Speaker 3: coaches and matchmakers, and it's the only thing I can

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Speaker 3: think of, like, this is what has set me apart

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Speaker 3: and gives me the sort of the knowledge to give

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Speaker 3: to my clients and the people who meet them.

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Speaker 1: That's why I do this podcast. I'm so fascinated about

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Speaker 1: why we do what we do, and I love making

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Speaker 1: that connection in relationship because I think that's where we

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Speaker 1: see all of our stuff, right, Like everything comes to

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Speaker 1: the surface, and relationships you see all your coping mechanisms

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Speaker 1: even I mean, in dating in general. I'm sure you

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Speaker 1: deal with this a lot, and so I want to

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Speaker 1: get into all of that. But let's talk about modern

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Speaker 1: dating in general right now. Because you've been doing this

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Speaker 1: for twenty five years, so I can imagine you have

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Speaker 1: observed a lot over the years. What do you find

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Speaker 1: to be the toughest part about modern dating? Because I

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Speaker 1: feel like we're acting as if we're more connected than

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Speaker 1: we ever have been, but we're also, at the same

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Speaker 1: time very disconnected. Do you find that to be true

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Speaker 1: when you're dealing with people dating?

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Speaker 3: Of course, of course I saw the transition right. So

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Speaker 3: when I started out, people would accept a date sight unseen,

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Speaker 3: no photos shown, very little information exchanged, and they would

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Speaker 3: go out that no longer exists. There are other matchmakers

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Speaker 3: who do that. They'll try to set up blind dates.

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Speaker 3: I personally don't. People want that data. They want photos,

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Speaker 3: they want imagery. So we are more disconnected than ever before,

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Speaker 3: and our representatives are out there in front of us,

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Speaker 3: so authenticity is lost.

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Speaker 2: We're taught that.

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Speaker 3: You know, if you have a dating app and you

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Speaker 3: have limited real estate in which to write, most people

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Speaker 3: tend to pick the prompts that are the most benign, basic,

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Speaker 3: simple entertaining, like sound bites, as opposed to the depth.

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Speaker 2: So how can you.

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Speaker 3: Be a person who thinks deeply feels deeply and then

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Speaker 3: be in a sort of superficial dating app kind of world?

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Speaker 2: And how do you represent yourself?

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Speaker 3: It's the same thing as how do you represent yourself

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Speaker 3: in a loud bar. And when I was dating in

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Speaker 3: my twenties and thirties, there was never a dearth of

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Speaker 3: men and dating and relationships. I mean I would break

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Speaker 3: up with somebody, I'd have a boyfriend that the next day.

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Speaker 2: That's not true. Right now.

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Speaker 3: People are sitting on the bench and they're not getting out,

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Speaker 3: so everything is in their phone. I think the things

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Speaker 3: that make us fine fall in love are the same,

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Speaker 3: but there's there's something in front of all of us

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Speaker 3: right now that's hurting everyone, and therefore trust is at

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Speaker 3: an all time low. Nobody trusts themselves anym and they

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Speaker 3: don't trust others because there's a lack of true engagement.

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Speaker 1: You said that you feel like people are sitting on

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Speaker 1: the bench and not getting into the game. But to

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Speaker 1: that same point of kind of how I asked the

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Speaker 1: question in the first place like I feel like when

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Speaker 1: I'm talking to my friends who are out there dating,

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Speaker 1: I mean they're swiping and they're like every night, you know,

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Speaker 1: they're on the apps. And so to me that could

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Speaker 1: translate into some mentality of oh no, they're trying, But

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Speaker 1: what is the disconnect there is that still considered sitting

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Speaker 1: on the bench.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's like saying, you know, I play the trumpet,

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Speaker 3: but I've never you know, blown the horn. Like, swiping

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Speaker 3: is not equivalent to actual dating. I have a beautiful,

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Speaker 3: sin to be thirty year old niece. She's educated, she's gorgeous,

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Speaker 3: she's adventurous, she's traveled the world. She's on a lot

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Speaker 3: of the apps, and her dating life doesn't look anything

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Speaker 3: like minded when I was her age, like, not even close,

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Speaker 3: and she has everything to offer. So I think this

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Speaker 3: swiping has given everybody a shopping mentality and it's made

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Speaker 3: everybody one dimensional. So if we didn't have dating apps,

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Speaker 3: who would we go out with? Would we see somebody

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Speaker 3: at the grocery store And maybe they're not our type,

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Speaker 3: but the way they smiled or the way they said.

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Speaker 2: Hello just resonated with us.

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Speaker 3: And when you're on dating tech, you're not using all

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Speaker 3: of your senses, site, feel, hearing, and those are the

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Speaker 3: things that are.

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Speaker 2: The most important. So men kind of started this right.

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Speaker 3: Men had sort of their season with dating apps and

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Speaker 3: plethora of women knocking at their door. And then what

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Speaker 3: happened was along the way, women started also becoming more

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Speaker 3: one dimensional, less likely to go out with the guy

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Speaker 3: just because he was nice. Now everything is like, well,

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Speaker 3: I want these things, and it forced everybody into creating

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Speaker 3: a box like this is my list.

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Speaker 2: This is the box.

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Speaker 3: And if you're swiping and you get that reward of

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Speaker 3: another profile coming at you by saying no, that's training

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Speaker 3: the brain that there are limitless options and there is

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Speaker 3: this perceived notion that there's a lot of possibility.

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Speaker 2: There's a lot of single people out there.

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Speaker 3: So if you spend more than ninety days on an app,

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Speaker 3: you're going to get trained. Your brain is going to

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Speaker 3: get trained to I can swipe away from this person

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Speaker 3: and I'm going to be presented with somebody else. In

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Speaker 3: the matchmaking world, it's completely opposite of that. The more

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Speaker 3: you say no, the less likely you are to meet someone.

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Speaker 3: So when we do that, we start to train our

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Speaker 3: brain into this is my type, this is what I

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Speaker 3: want and God forbids. Someone should say the wrong thing,

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Speaker 3: breathe the wrong way. It's like, I don't need to

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Speaker 3: explore this because I have so many options outside of this,

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Speaker 3: And so now we have both men and women doing

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Speaker 3: the same thing, and especially for women, it's detrimental to

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Speaker 3: your health and also receiving the right partner. Women, we

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Speaker 3: are supposed to be more layered, more nuanced with why

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Speaker 3: we're dating somebody who we invite into our lives. So

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Speaker 3: the dating tech can work, but you better have a

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Speaker 3: really good mindset about it. And for your friends, Kelly

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Speaker 3: that are swiping a lot and they think that they're

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Speaker 3: dating unless they're having one or two new two or

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Speaker 3: three new dates a month, they're not dating.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they're not dating.

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Speaker 3: And I think it's just really sad because I believe

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Speaker 3: that if all women got off their dating apps and

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Speaker 3: just shut them down for six months, men would start

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Speaker 3: meeting in real life. Men would start connecting with women.

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Speaker 3: But you have to take yourself off the market in

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Speaker 3: order to do that, and no one's willing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I never thought about how one dimensional

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Speaker 1: it actually is and how it is so much about

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Speaker 1: just checking boxes, where when I really think back about

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Speaker 1: my dating life. The things that have helped me in

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Speaker 1: picking the right partner for me are all intuitive, and

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Speaker 1: you can't really sense that through a screen, you know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you can do a certain degree, but it's

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Speaker 1: very much like an energetic feeling I get when I'm

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Speaker 1: around the person that, like my current boyfriend, like it

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Speaker 1: was just an undeniable sense that I had heart connection wise,

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Speaker 1: and I could not have that if we would not

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Speaker 1: have been in person. So how much are we missing

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Speaker 1: by just making it this one dimensional thing?

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Speaker 2: Everything? Everything? I look at all of the lost opportunities.

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Speaker 3: It's why when people say, oh, I don't really need

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Speaker 3: a matchmaker, and you know that's kind of weird.

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Speaker 2: We're beyond that.

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Speaker 3: And you know, I've gone from you know, when I

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Speaker 3: started off in matchmaking, I was country before country was cool.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 3: It was like I was a twenty something year old

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Speaker 3: young woman trying to date, going out, trying to meet

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Speaker 3: men on my own, just for my personal life. Men

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Speaker 3: would ask me what I did for a living, and

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Speaker 3: I'd say, oh, I'm a matchmaker. They're like, oh, wait

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Speaker 3: a minute, are you profiling me? You know, you trying

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Speaker 3: to get me as a client. I'm like, no, I'm

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Speaker 3: just a girl sitting in front of a boy asking

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Speaker 3: him to love her, you know, sobiously Yeah. And I

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Speaker 3: when I dated Kelly, I was like an equal opportunity employer.

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Speaker 3: If you were nice to me and you asked me

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Speaker 3: out within reason, I was like sure. I was always

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Speaker 3: a yes girl, and I was always curious. So our

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Speaker 3: curiosity is diminished and our ability to say yes is

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Speaker 3: diminished because we're all so darn busy. We think that

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Speaker 3: if we say no more than we say yes, that

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Speaker 3: somehow we are saving time because we've been out on

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Speaker 3: those dates that don't work. And I look at it

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Speaker 3: as data, right, Why wouldn't you want more data and

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Speaker 3: going out and meeting somebody in real life, Because even

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Speaker 3: if they're not for you, what are you learning about yourself?

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Speaker 3: What did you learn about that other person? Maybe he

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Speaker 3: has a cousin or a friend, or a colleague or

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Speaker 3: a business partner that might be right for you. So

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Speaker 3: as a matchmaker, if I'm saying to somebody, meet this person,

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Speaker 3: I'm using all of my gifts, my talent, my expertise

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Speaker 3: is twenty plus years and someone goes, yeah that you know,

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Speaker 3: they just don't look like my type like you know,

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Speaker 3: I don't know, I need to feel a vibe. It

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Speaker 3: just makes my blood boil because you know, you've been

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Speaker 3: a stylist, right, Kelly, You've you've been an expert in

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Speaker 3: your field. What would it feel like if you said

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Speaker 3: to somebody, this is what I want you to do,

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Speaker 3: this is what's going to look great on you, this

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Speaker 3: is what it's going to make you present well and

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Speaker 3: show your sort of full self when you walk into

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Speaker 3: that room and you're gonna be empowered and they're like, no, no,

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Speaker 3: why bring you in?

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Speaker 1: Oh? I mean that this happens all the time, and

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Speaker 1: fret like you know a lot of times it's coaching

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Speaker 1: people into becoming their best selves. But yes, when that

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Speaker 1: happens with certain people, I've gone, why have you hired

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Speaker 1: a stylist? Like, well, just wear what you want to wear.

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Speaker 1: Then if you haven't all figured out you know.

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Speaker 3: Exactly, Like keep doing what you're doing, You're gonna keep

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Speaker 3: on getting what you're getting exactly. So it takes somebody

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Speaker 3: who has confidence and also is open enough. Right, I

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Speaker 3: would say to date, you need an open mind, an

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Speaker 3: open heart, and a thick skin because you want feedback.

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Speaker 2: You want somebody to say, I know you wouldn't think

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Speaker 2: of this.

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Speaker 3: In fact, I did a TV show called Making Mister

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Speaker 3: Wright for VH one years ago, and I had a

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Speaker 3: stylist and she was showing me some wardrobe that was

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Speaker 3: just opposite of how I see myself. I've always been

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Speaker 3: a little bit more classic and you know, skirts to

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Speaker 3: the knee, and she's like, that's aging, April, don't do that,

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Speaker 3: Like you have great legs, Like, let's put diskirt on you.

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Speaker 3: And I remember thinking like, I can't wear that, but

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Speaker 3: I trusted her, Yeah, and the end result was great.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So matchmaking.

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Speaker 3: The tie of tie back to this is if we're

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Speaker 3: standing in the way of you and this other person

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Speaker 3: and we're that third point of the triangle and we

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Speaker 3: have an idea and you're here, trust us, say yes,

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Speaker 3: say yes more than you say no. That's actually the

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Speaker 3: time saver. It's the no that is actually increasing more

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Speaker 3: time and pushing love and the potential of relationship further

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Speaker 3: and further and further away.

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Speaker 2: And not to mention, as women have gotten.

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Speaker 3: More empowered and more successful and more independent, we build community, right,

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Speaker 3: we all have amazing friends. Will why would we take

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Speaker 3: away from our own self care? Our great community of friends,

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Speaker 3: the things we love to do, our travel, our passion

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Speaker 3: to go out with somebody who's yet another disappointment. And

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Speaker 3: that doesn't mean that there's a lot of disappointing people

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Speaker 3: out there. It has to do with what is your

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Speaker 3: mindset around dating When you take your card, you know,

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Speaker 3: when you take your car to the garage and you

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Speaker 3: get an uber and you go head over to a date.

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Speaker 3: If your mindset is I hope I like this person

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Speaker 3: and I want to go see if they like me,

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Speaker 3: you're setting up a date of interview. Everybody's going to

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Speaker 3: be kind of either on their best behavior or their

378
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Speaker 3: worst behavior. They're not going to ask enough questions or

379
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Speaker 3: are going to ask too many questions instead of saying

380
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Speaker 3: I'm going to go connect with a new human being

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Speaker 3: and I have zero.

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Speaker 2: Attachment to the outcome. That's not a waste of time.

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Speaker 1: No, And I love that you mentioned earlier. It's gathering information,

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Speaker 1: because how do we know what we want if we haven't,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm assuming anyone who's single hasn't been in the

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Speaker 1: relationship of their dreams yet, you know, So we know

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Speaker 1: we have some feelings of things we don't want, But

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Speaker 1: I know for me, I had to experience different things

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Speaker 1: and different types of people and different dynamics of relationship

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Speaker 1: or kind of dating to go wait, oh I did

391
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Speaker 1: like that, or you know, I don't like that, but

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Speaker 1: I did really take this away from him and I

393
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Speaker 1: would love that quality and a partner, and it really

394
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Speaker 1: helped me build like the scenario of my perfect my

395
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Speaker 1: dream guy or whatever, you know. And I didn't have

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Speaker 1: that awareness before I actually just went out there and

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Speaker 1: experienced it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you're living proof of this and you're now you're

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Speaker 3: in a wonderful relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

401
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Speaker 3: I can't tell you how many couples I have introduced

402
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Speaker 3: that I'd just said no in the beginning.

403
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Speaker 2: And then something just quipped. Not to get on a

404
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Speaker 2: down note, but a former client.

405
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Speaker 3: Of mind passed away a couple of days, you know,

406
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Speaker 3: in his late fifties, and we had created this introduction

407
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Speaker 3: with this woman he's been with for the last five

408
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Speaker 3: and a half years, about a couple of months I

409
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Speaker 3: think before he was diagnosed with cancer. And right after

410
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Speaker 3: they met, like within two weeks, you had a parent

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Speaker 3: that passed away. So what happened was they may not

412
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Speaker 3: have lasted right. He might have been a little off

413
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Speaker 3: type for her or whatever. But they got together and

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Speaker 3: he was there in the most important transition of her life,

415
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Speaker 3: and she was there for his and the bond that

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Speaker 3: they created was so exceptional and so beautiful that it's

417
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,040
Speaker 3: days like the other day. Of course, I gave myself

418
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Speaker 3: like some time to cry when I heard the news,

419
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Speaker 3: and then I smiled and I realized, wow, like how

420
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Speaker 3: important is this? Like if you just let yourself expand

421
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,720
Speaker 3: and go out and get rid of your attachment to

422
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:39,760
Speaker 3: your list, so many beautiful things can come your way.

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Speaker 3: But we are all busy and we are too hindered

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Speaker 3: by our schedules to do the things that we need

425
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Speaker 3: to do, which is linger longer. Give people choice, you know, chances,

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Speaker 3: stay a little while, go out on your own, go

427
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Speaker 3: sit at a cafe, not to meet somebody, but just

428
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Speaker 3: to be be in this space.

429
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Speaker 2: But no, we can't.

430
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Speaker 3: We got to go to yoga, we gotta go to work,

431
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Speaker 3: we got to we have all these plans around us.

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Speaker 3: We are overly scheduled and like TechEd out, and it's

433
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Speaker 3: very hard to meet people. It's really hard to meet

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Speaker 3: people in real life because no one's present.

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Speaker 1: That That is the truth. Yes, well, I want to talk.

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Speaker 1: We've talked a lot about what has changed in dating,

437
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,439
Speaker 1: and so much of it is obviously involving technology. But

438
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,959
Speaker 1: you said something before you got into all of that

439
00:21:28,119 --> 00:21:32,240
Speaker 1: about human beings and the things about love that haven't changed.

440
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,119
Speaker 1: And I'm just curious, what do you notice amongst people

441
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:38,080
Speaker 1: even in this dating world, Like, what are our needs

442
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,240
Speaker 1: and wants around love that have not changed in the

443
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,960
Speaker 1: twenty five years that you've been doing this.

444
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,600
Speaker 3: One thing for sure that hasn't changed is most women

445
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,560
Speaker 3: long for a feeling of safety. When you make a

446
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:59,960
Speaker 3: woman feel safe, she's more expressive, sensual, sexual, happy, she's relaxed,

447
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,480
Speaker 3: she's able to be more feminine. So instead of saying

448
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,439
Speaker 3: I want a man to make me feel feminine, it's like, no, no, no,

449
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,080
Speaker 3: you just are feminine, Just be feminine. What you want

450
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,320
Speaker 3: is you want safety. So that's the same. And men

451
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 3: still want the same things, right, They long for women

452
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,440
Speaker 3: to be confident in themselves. And now women are lacking

453
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,919
Speaker 3: They might be more powerful, they're lacking real, true confidence.

454
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,879
Speaker 3: And that is still the same draw as it ever was.

455
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,720
Speaker 3: And the reason for this is because men have always,

456
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,280
Speaker 3: since the beginning of the time, looked to us to

457
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,679
Speaker 3: be the leaders in every social situation. They might be

458
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:38,280
Speaker 3: the ones walking across the gymnasium Florida ask us to

459
00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:39,240
Speaker 3: dance in seventh grade.

460
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,600
Speaker 2: They might be the one to walk up to us

461
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,600
Speaker 2: and a bar and asked us out.

462
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,440
Speaker 3: They might be the one to get on one knee

463
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,120
Speaker 3: and say will you marry me? But we're orchestrating all

464
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:50,760
Speaker 3: of that. And men look to women to know themselves

465
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,679
Speaker 3: incredibly well and to know what they want and to

466
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:58,840
Speaker 3: be happy in that. And our nurturing, compassionate side is

467
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:03,040
Speaker 3: a big, big draw. So when you can be nurturing compassionate,

468
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:07,639
Speaker 3: you have internal intelligence about you, you have confidence, and

469
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,320
Speaker 3: you're able to have really good boundaries. But your boundaries

470
00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 3: are like gentle whispers, not rules. It's very attractive and

471
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,200
Speaker 3: it's very easy to win the heart of a man,

472
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 3: and it's very easy to win the hand in the

473
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,040
Speaker 3: heart of a woman, But you got to know how to.

474
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,119
Speaker 2: Treat a woman.

475
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,320
Speaker 3: You have to know going in that doesn't matter how

476
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,760
Speaker 3: attracted you are. Give her some space, give her the

477
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,639
Speaker 3: ability to breathe, don't go in for the kiss. So

478
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,879
Speaker 3: all of these things are still the same, they haven't changed.

479
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 2: So if that's the case, and you know.

480
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 3: That those are sort of the fundamental truths of what

481
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 3: creates connection. Why wouldn't you write that in your profile?

482
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,919
Speaker 3: Why wouldn't you bring that personality to your date? And

483
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 3: so it didn't matter that if you met on an app,

484
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,440
Speaker 3: because the app is just sort of a diving board

485
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,199
Speaker 3: to get you in the pool. But once you're in

486
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,480
Speaker 3: the pool, be authentic.

487
00:23:57,760 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 2: Right.

488
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:02,000
Speaker 3: We all want to be complimented. Love of genuine compliment.

489
00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:05,280
Speaker 3: It just means they're being heard and seen and felt.

490
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 3: And we're in this world of well, we have shared interest,

491
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 3: so therefore we should be together. No, no, no, no,

492
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,840
Speaker 3: it's through the relatability, right, How do we relate to

493
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 3: each other's emotions of our stories, not necessarily the stories themselves.

494
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,520
Speaker 3: And that's that line that's what makes people go like,

495
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,080
Speaker 3: I just went out with this person and we have

496
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 3: this conversation and something happened in that moment?

497
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 2: What was that?

498
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,080
Speaker 3: And it's because they saw themselves in your story. It

499
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,679
Speaker 3: doesn't mean they have to share how you were raised,

500
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 3: where you went to school, your socioeconomic background. It's I

501
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:44,720
Speaker 3: can relate to excitement, anxiety, fear, love, desire. You know

502
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,760
Speaker 3: that is missing, But if we can just maintain like, okay,

503
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,080
Speaker 3: these are these things, then you don't get lost in

504
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,160
Speaker 3: trying to do a certain behavior to match modern times.

505
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,560
Speaker 3: What do you mean by that, Well, modern times are

506
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,159
Speaker 3: you give, you give a little bit of information, you

507
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,400
Speaker 3: stay mysterious, and you don't invest until someone has invested

508
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:10,560
Speaker 3: in you. That's modern, right, Yeah, that's the cool way

509
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 3: to date. And my thing is how do you invest

510
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:17,080
Speaker 3: fully but lose any attachment to an outcome? How do

511
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 3: I say to you, I really enjoy you, I really

512
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:21,960
Speaker 3: think you're wonderful. I think you're I think you're beautiful,

513
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,720
Speaker 3: I think you're handsome, You're really and you're really a

514
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,040
Speaker 3: special human being, and not worry whether.

515
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,080
Speaker 2: This person likes me or not, right right, because I'm

516
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,199
Speaker 2: just going to show up as me.

517
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 3: This is the package, this is my truth, this is

518
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:38,159
Speaker 3: my authenticity. But vulnerability, I know it talks, you know

519
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:43,640
Speaker 3: Rene Brown, and everybody's talking about vulnerability. Vulnerability isn't spilling

520
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,800
Speaker 3: your candy in the lobby and telling talking about all

521
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,760
Speaker 3: of your pain and your woes and your breakups.

522
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 2: That's fear. Vulnerability could just.

523
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 3: Be I think you're amazing, you know, I'm really enjoying

524
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,520
Speaker 3: this time with you. That's that to me is like

525
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:02,440
Speaker 3: old school traditional not putting any blocks in front of us. Right,

526
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,400
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter how I got to the date, whether I.

527
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,920
Speaker 2: Took a Laserati or a VW Van. Now I'm on

528
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,399
Speaker 2: the date. Who am I going to be? Who am

529
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 2: I going to be?

530
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,200
Speaker 3: Regardless of whether this person likes me and we'd become

531
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,480
Speaker 3: this I'll show you mine if you if you show

532
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,520
Speaker 3: me yours kind of people, and that's not the way

533
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,560
Speaker 3: you lead. And I believe women are leaders in relationship.

534
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm finding something so interesting that you keep saying

535
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 1: because I think that this is very let me just

536
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:32,480
Speaker 1: say it's very validating for me from my personal experience.

537
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,520
Speaker 1: And I've been saying this to a lot of my friends,

538
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 1: but it very much goes against what is being put

539
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: out on the internet about masculine and feminine energy. And

540
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 1: like what I say to my friends is I agree

541
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,479
Speaker 1: with masculine in the way that you're talking about, Like

542
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,320
Speaker 1: we want to be taken on a date. You want

543
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:52,719
Speaker 1: to you know, there is the leading in that way,

544
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 1: Like I do like to have my car door open.

545
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 1: I'm from the South, Like chivalry is not dead for me,

546
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:02,359
Speaker 1: you know, And I've noticed that when I was dating

547
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,880
Speaker 1: before my boyfriend, and then when I started dating my boyfriend,

548
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 1: I have a level of like emotional leading that I

549
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:13,199
Speaker 1: can do much easier. And then he follows suit and

550
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,400
Speaker 1: joins me and meets me or they did or couldn't,

551
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: And that was when I knew that wasn't a match.

552
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: But like, the men seem to struggle a little more

553
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,360
Speaker 1: with leading in that way, And so I always say

554
00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 1: it to my friends of like, I think women are

555
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:29,960
Speaker 1: the emotional leaders. And I agree, we don't want to

556
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 1: like go into our masculine energy and be leading and

557
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:36,680
Speaker 1: driving the whole relationship, but that is a very feminine energy,

558
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,120
Speaker 1: like the emotional components. So can you speak to because

559
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 1: you keep saying like women are the leaders in data

560
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,200
Speaker 1: or relationship and so can you speak to that because

561
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:47,879
Speaker 1: that is not what is being told to people out

562
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,240
Speaker 1: in the dating world.

563
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:50,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know.

564
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 3: So it's interesting because I look back at I used

565
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 3: to do a program called Smart Sexy, Soulful Dating, Okay,

566
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,960
Speaker 3: how to reveal the real you to track the right man.

567
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 3: And I was listening to the recording the other day

568
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 3: driving through La and there was a part of it

569
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:07,159
Speaker 3: that was like a little cringey for me because my

570
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 3: advice today is different than it was twenty years ago.

571
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,920
Speaker 3: What I mean by this is I think there is

572
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,720
Speaker 3: a big confusion. I'm so glad you brought it up, Kelly.

573
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 3: What is this male masculine feminine thing? It is so

574
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:28,920
Speaker 3: not helpful because women constantly who are power players, they're educated,

575
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,720
Speaker 3: they're independent, they're making great money. They're like, yeah, but

576
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 3: I need to back off some of my masculine and

577
00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 3: be more in my feminine and I want to be

578
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:37,960
Speaker 3: one way at work and I want to be another

579
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 3: way at home. Well, good luck with that, Sybil. That's

580
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 3: like asking yourself to be two completely different people.

581
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:44,720
Speaker 1: Exhausting.

582
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:49,520
Speaker 3: It's exhausting, right, So this idea of masculine feminine is

583
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:53,280
Speaker 3: only confusing women and men because I think it's also

584
00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 3: putting a bad rep on masculine. So if somebody is

585
00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,760
Speaker 3: driving the boat or being aggressive or whatever, why is

586
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:04,440
Speaker 3: that necessarily male? What if that's just insecurity and fear.

587
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,760
Speaker 3: So you're pursuing somebody, You're relentlessly calling them, you're planning

588
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,560
Speaker 3: the dates, you're doing you're doing cold outreach, and these

589
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 3: guys are passive. So is that masculine feminine or is

590
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,960
Speaker 3: that fear because the fear is telling me I better

591
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,960
Speaker 3: show up and tell this guy I'm interested. I better

592
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 3: plan the dates because if I don't, he won't. That's

593
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 3: not masculine or feminine. Feminine is actually very powerful and

594
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:37,520
Speaker 3: very decisive and very discerning and open and fearless. You

595
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 3: look back at women from the beginning of time, women

596
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 3: were like, okay, guys, get that club and go kill

597
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 3: the beast and bring it back. Like we were the

598
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,200
Speaker 3: ones telling everybody what to do. Now, I'm not saying

599
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 3: we plan the dates, and I know we still need

600
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,360
Speaker 3: to be received and right, we need to be in

601
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 3: that inspired feminine wisdom, but I think we need to

602
00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 3: also share with men what.

603
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:01,000
Speaker 2: We would like to do.

604
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 3: Yes, you know, men want to know if they want

605
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:06,280
Speaker 3: to make you happy, they're going to say, well, what

606
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,360
Speaker 3: would make you happy today? Well, there's this little, you know,

607
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:11,680
Speaker 3: French cafe on the corner where I live, and I

608
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 3: would love It's been a long week and i'd love

609
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,280
Speaker 3: just go there and have, you know, a quiet early dinner,

610
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 3: if that's okay with you. A client of mind just

611
00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:22,360
Speaker 3: flew into town and the woman that I set him

612
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 3: up with said to him, thank god, very smart, successful woman.

613
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:28,640
Speaker 2: She said, do you want me to.

614
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:34,000
Speaker 3: Make the date, like, make the brunch or at least

615
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 3: tell you what's around because you're not familiar you know

616
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,520
Speaker 3: you're coming into town to see me. And he said, oh,

617
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 3: that would be great. Now, this guy's not lazy, he's

618
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 3: he's relationship minded, handsome, successful guy. It's just that he's

619
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 3: not familiar with this territory. So she did the right

620
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,400
Speaker 3: thing by saying, how can I make you feel comfortable?

621
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 2: These aren't your surroundings.

622
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:57,360
Speaker 3: Do you want me to suggest a place that's showing

623
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,840
Speaker 3: up as a partner? And if we showed up, if

624
00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:03,080
Speaker 3: we want partnership, why wouldn't you show up date one

625
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:04,320
Speaker 3: as a partner?

626
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:06,160
Speaker 1: Absolutely?

627
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 2: Why do you want to do this.

628
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 3: Six week courtship dance where you're feigning like the damsel

629
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 3: in distress like I don't know, I don't have an

630
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 3: idea of what I want to do, and I don't know.

631
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 3: All you're going to do is you're basically doing false advertising. Right,

632
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:20,760
Speaker 3: you know you're gonna be one way for six weeks

633
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 3: and then boom, Now you're your authentic self. You're a strong, smart,

634
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 3: successful woman and you have your say, You're like, I

635
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 3: don't want to do Chinese.

636
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 2: I want to do you know, Mexican food tonight. I

637
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:30,400
Speaker 2: don't want to go to that film. I want to

638
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,880
Speaker 2: go here. I don't. I'm not okay with that behavior.

639
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:36,040
Speaker 3: That's why relationships fall apart and the wheels fall off

640
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 3: after that ninety day mark, because nobody was being real.

641
00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 2: From the get go, right.

642
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:42,960
Speaker 3: So, if I want partnership, I'm going to show up

643
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 3: as a partner day one, day one. I'm going to

644
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:47,600
Speaker 3: make sure that he's okay too.

645
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,240
Speaker 1: Well, that is okay. So I you know, I've learned

646
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 1: a lot. He no, I do too. I'm so glad

647
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,760
Speaker 1: you're like meeting me at that level. But I feel

648
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 1: like there's a lot to learn about masculine and feminine

649
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,400
Speaker 1: energy that has not been lost on me. I have

650
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: had multiple coaches on this podcast. We've talked about it,

651
00:32:07,200 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: and just like everything else in our world, I think

652
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:14,560
Speaker 1: that it's gotten misconstrued and two extreme and so then

653
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,320
Speaker 1: you kind of lose the benefits of it. And there's

654
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 1: this instinct I have right now that feels very much

655
00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:25,400
Speaker 1: like the message being put out there is for either

656
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 1: side almost to sit back and let the other do

657
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 1: you know, It's like either women are like, Okay, I'm

658
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,480
Speaker 1: just gonna sit here and wait for him to do

659
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 1: all the things, and I just need to show up.

660
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:38,560
Speaker 1: And then the other side would be maybe the man

661
00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 1: doesn't do anything either, and the woman's driving the boat,

662
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: and I don't think either is right. I love that

663
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 1: you keep saying the word partnership, because that's what a

664
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,959
Speaker 1: relationship is, right, And like, the longer I'm in a

665
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 1: healthier relationship, I'm realizing all of those energies ebb and

666
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 1: flow based on what we have going on in our lives,

667
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,680
Speaker 1: what the other person's capacity is. Like sometimes I can

668
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: give at an eighty and he can only give it

669
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,080
Speaker 1: a twenty, And sometimes he can give it an eighty

670
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 1: and I can only give it a twenty, you know,

671
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,960
Speaker 1: and like you kind of have to figure out ways

672
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,760
Speaker 1: to balance with each other. It's this constant ebb and

673
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,400
Speaker 1: flow of that energy versus this static thing that I

674
00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:18,080
Speaker 1: think we're trying to make it of. You're this way,

675
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,920
Speaker 1: I'm this way because I'm a woman. I need to

676
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 1: be infeminine all the time, and we have both energies

677
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:25,760
Speaker 1: inside of us, Like that is the.

678
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 3: Point exactly, and you want a man that has both energies.

679
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,160
Speaker 3: I say, be human first. Don't show up as a

680
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 3: woman or man, just be human. You know it's interesting, Kelly,

681
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,640
Speaker 3: just this morning. You know, Valentine's Day is coming up,

682
00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:39,880
Speaker 3: and I'm I'm kind of anti Valentine's Day, but it's

683
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 3: coming up, and my husband is not a overly romantic guy,

684
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 3: and I thought, you know, I bet he's just not

685
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 3: going to come up with anything. I just he's my

686
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 3: business partner, he's my better half. He's so solid and

687
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 3: as far as somebody who is protecting and providing for me,

688
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 3: it's like it's off the charts amazing. But because we

689
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 3: also work together, he looks at me as his shoulder

690
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:04,440
Speaker 3: to shoulder partner. He doesn't look at me as somebody

691
00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:07,800
Speaker 3: who needs protecting per se. So when you're with a

692
00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:12,040
Speaker 3: masculine man like my husband, the more you fight, the

693
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,959
Speaker 3: more you say you're not giving me, the less likely

694
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,440
Speaker 3: they are to provide, to protect, to treat you gently.

695
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,799
Speaker 3: And I notice that when I'm in my powerful feminine

696
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,719
Speaker 3: when I am taking good care of my health, my mind,

697
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,480
Speaker 3: my body, my spirit, my business, and I'm independent, the

698
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:32,360
Speaker 3: more a high wife I get it's so crazy.

699
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,400
Speaker 2: So this morning I was sort of down.

700
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 3: On my husband, thinking I bet not right about this

701
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 3: upcoming holiday, and then it dawned on me. It's almost

702
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:43,480
Speaker 3: like it hit me like a wave, and I got

703
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:47,040
Speaker 3: a little emotional, and I thought, I keep wanting him

704
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,319
Speaker 3: to give me a soft place to land every day

705
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 3: and make my life easier.

706
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:53,360
Speaker 2: But what am I doing?

707
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,759
Speaker 3: I get caught up in that feminine trap too, of

708
00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:59,480
Speaker 3: like I need to receive. I'm the girl, I'm the woman, right,

709
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:03,960
Speaker 3: But what am I doing every single day to make

710
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,120
Speaker 3: his life a little easier, a little lighter?

711
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:08,560
Speaker 2: Am I saying? You know, look, you need to go

712
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:11,439
Speaker 2: take that trip, you need gude time, go do that,

713
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:13,120
Speaker 2: you know, or bringing.

714
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,399
Speaker 3: Him coffee in bed or like whatever it is right

715
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 3: to make sure that he feels comfortable. There's been this

716
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 3: surprising emergence of men where men became more soulful in

717
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 3: recent years. Women didn't see it. They're very tender hearted.

718
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:30,399
Speaker 3: There is a reason why I only work for men

719
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 3: in the matchmaking space, and I do not take money

720
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 3: from women, because to work for a man, you get

721
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:37,920
Speaker 3: to see his other side. Even though I work with

722
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:40,759
Speaker 3: some of the most successful bachelors in the country. I

723
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,080
Speaker 3: know their sensitive side. I know how they feel about

724
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:47,200
Speaker 3: their sister, their moms. I know how they feel about,

725
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 3: you know, getting up every day and having to be

726
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,799
Speaker 3: in charge. And they're tender and they're sweet, and they're

727
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:57,799
Speaker 3: like little boys taller and we forget.

728
00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 1: Which I didn't realize. Would you really only work with men?

729
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 2: I do.

730
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,399
Speaker 3: So women are invited to come into my world, which

731
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:04,120
Speaker 3: is my network.

732
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:06,000
Speaker 2: And now that I've launched this new.

733
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:09,200
Speaker 3: Company where we have dozens and dozens of matchmakers all

734
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 3: over the world using our software as a way of

735
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:16,719
Speaker 3: uniting our industry and also our networks. So I give

736
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:18,920
Speaker 3: the gift to women to say I'm not going to

737
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:20,960
Speaker 3: work for you and be your search consultant.

738
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 2: I'll be your coach, I'll be your advisor, but.

739
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:27,240
Speaker 3: I can't be your match maker because it goes against

740
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,560
Speaker 3: the grain of what I know about being powerfully feminine

741
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:35,279
Speaker 3: and receiving. If you and I, Kelly today walk into

742
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:38,800
Speaker 3: a cafe and we walk in and we make eye contact,

743
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:41,880
Speaker 3: and we're warm and we're welcoming with our energy, that

744
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:47,680
Speaker 3: is attracting, that is doing the concept of women spending

745
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:51,200
Speaker 3: the money or writing a contract for matchmaking can work.

746
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,399
Speaker 3: I have lots of colleagues that do a great job

747
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:56,200
Speaker 3: with that, but you better have the right mindset to

748
00:36:56,239 --> 00:36:59,279
Speaker 3: do that. And I've heard from women who have said,

749
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 3: I can't believe you, April, You're disempowering women because you

750
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:02,840
Speaker 3: won't work for women.

751
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:04,320
Speaker 2: Like, no, no, no, no.

752
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 3: I'm empowering you. I'm telling you that you show up

753
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:10,240
Speaker 3: in more ways than just your contract or your check. Yeah,

754
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 3: you show up when you walk in, like put this

755
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:17,280
Speaker 3: back in your powerful hand. Stop listening to this advice

756
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,319
Speaker 3: that you're just supposed to kick back and receive. You

757
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 3: got to participate. You got to get in the game

758
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:26,040
Speaker 3: with these men, especially the ones that are relationship ready.

759
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:30,479
Speaker 3: They want to feel comfortable day one. They don't want

760
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:34,239
Speaker 3: mystery mystery tracks the boys and the players. They want

761
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 3: they want to feel comfortable and they want it to

762
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:41,000
Speaker 3: be easy to know you. But a lot of people think, well,

763
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 3: if it's easy, then he didn't earn me. It's like,

764
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:44,800
Speaker 3: what is this nineteen twelve?

765
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:50,360
Speaker 1: But also get with the part that shit like getting

766
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,640
Speaker 1: to know someone that should be easy and open and

767
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 1: all of those things unless you're sensing like a massive

768
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:59,279
Speaker 1: red flag, and then they have to earn the other

769
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,279
Speaker 1: things like or maybe don't go to bed with them

770
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:03,000
Speaker 1: the first night if you don't want to, or you know,

771
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,160
Speaker 1: those kind of things. There's other ways to do that

772
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:08,280
Speaker 1: and to like be slow with it. But I totally

773
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 1: think that you're right that we have this wall up

774
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,239
Speaker 1: when it comes to getting to know people, and it's

775
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,880
Speaker 1: probably because we are attaching so much to the outcome

776
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,880
Speaker 1: instead of just looking at this like, hey, I'm just

777
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,920
Speaker 1: going to lunch or a coffee or a drink or

778
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:22,840
Speaker 1: whatever to meet another person.

779
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:23,959
Speaker 3: That's it.

780
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 1: That's all dating is, and it's so wild. We put

781
00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:29,919
Speaker 1: so much pressure on it because the second you take

782
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,399
Speaker 1: that pressure away, it does become much more enjoyable and

783
00:38:33,760 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 1: you don't have to personalize if it's not a good

784
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,839
Speaker 1: fit because it's just not a good fit, like you're

785
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:39,840
Speaker 1: just on different journeys. It's pretty simple.

786
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:49,920
Speaker 2: Actually, I'm sure.

787
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,480
Speaker 3: This was evident right when hopefully when you first met

788
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:57,120
Speaker 3: your boyfriend. To me, when women say I'm not going

789
00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 3: to share my bed or my body with somebody until

790
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,080
Speaker 3: I've earned it, until I know them, I feel comfortable,

791
00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:05,479
Speaker 3: I feel trust, that's perfectly normal. But oftentimes with women

792
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 3: where our body goes, our head follows. So if you've

793
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 3: already made this predetermination of like, I'm not gonna you know,

794
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:12,800
Speaker 3: I'm gonna.

795
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,759
Speaker 2: Put a wall up, your body looks like it. The

796
00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:19,520
Speaker 2: things you ask, the things you share, how you engage,

797
00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:22,120
Speaker 2: it all comes together. You are one woman twenty four

798
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:22,480
Speaker 2: to seven.

799
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,880
Speaker 3: So it's fine to make that decision to delay intimacy.

800
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 3: That's great, it's perfect. But you can't delay intimacy of

801
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,880
Speaker 3: conversation with it because then you're just hard to reach.

802
00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,160
Speaker 3: Then you are a wall and you don't want the

803
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:39,319
Speaker 3: guy that's got the ladder right, you want the guy

804
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:41,800
Speaker 3: that's already on the ground, like ready to meet you

805
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:45,399
Speaker 3: where you're at. So you could actually delay sex if

806
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:48,799
Speaker 3: you were just being more intimate with conversation. Yeah, but

807
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,640
Speaker 3: this like, well I can't tell him that because that's

808
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,759
Speaker 3: too personal. He hasn't earned that trust yet. That's why

809
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:58,759
Speaker 3: relatability isn't about sharing the nitty gritty of your stories.

810
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:02,719
Speaker 3: It's sharing the emotion of your story. So when someone says, so,

811
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:05,759
Speaker 3: tell me what happened in your marriage, well you know that,

812
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:09,120
Speaker 3: soov here's what he did, and he cheated, and then

813
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:11,520
Speaker 3: he did this, and then on March fifth of night,

814
00:40:11,719 --> 00:40:17,320
Speaker 3: you know, twenty twenty four he did. That's that's just facts, right,

815
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:19,600
Speaker 3: And that's your grief that you are showing, which does

816
00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 3: not protect you, or you saying I've been hurt protect

817
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 3: my heart does not also help you. But if you

818
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:27,640
Speaker 3: can say I learned we were different human beings, we

819
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:30,080
Speaker 3: had different values, and that wasn't going to work for me.

820
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 3: You know, now I'm touching on the emotion, right. I

821
00:40:33,800 --> 00:40:36,480
Speaker 3: went through a hard time, but I'm on the other side.

822
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:36,719
Speaker 2: Of that now.

823
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:40,040
Speaker 3: Or I miss my parents, you know, I long for

824
00:40:40,080 --> 00:40:44,080
Speaker 3: that conversation with my dad. You know, that's vulnerability, and

825
00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 3: that's never in the wrong hands because no one can

826
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:47,480
Speaker 3: hurt you with that information.

827
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:50,680
Speaker 2: They can't, right, but they can hurt you.

828
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 3: If you say here's where I've screwed up and here's

829
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,440
Speaker 3: where people have hurt me, you just look weak instead

830
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 3: of empowered and knowledgeable and on top of your emotions.

831
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:03,279
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I think also when you're dating, one of

832
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:06,279
Speaker 1: the things that you can get from that piece of

833
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 1: it is like when I would be dating guys, if

834
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,640
Speaker 1: they could look back on their relationships and be reflective,

835
00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:15,279
Speaker 1: like here's what I learned. Basically that was very attractive

836
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 1: to me because I think that all life experiences happen

837
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,279
Speaker 1: for a reason, and so what are you taking from it?

838
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:24,640
Speaker 1: You know, even the painful ones, especially the painful ones

839
00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,960
Speaker 1: often and so if someone is going through a relationship

840
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:29,719
Speaker 1: and they're kind of touching on the things, like you said,

841
00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:32,600
Speaker 1: like we are learned we had different values and giving

842
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 1: me the thing that they took away and that has

843
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: helped them progress to the place they are now, that's attractive.

844
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 1: Like that is a very good quality in my opinion.

845
00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, humility, Yeah, I think it's just it's so it's

846
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:51,439
Speaker 3: so it's so clear to me that I almost don't

847
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,680
Speaker 3: like talking about it because it feels like, isn't this

848
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:54,680
Speaker 3: news to everybody?

849
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 2: Isn't this you know?

850
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:58,080
Speaker 3: I used to ask woemen if they were afraid of dating.

851
00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,239
Speaker 3: I'd say, Okay, pretend like I'm a green marshan and

852
00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:04,480
Speaker 3: I stand about three feet tall, and my spaceship just

853
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,240
Speaker 3: landed on Earth, and I jump out of my spaceship

854
00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:09,279
Speaker 3: and I go earthly. Tell me what a date is,

855
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 3: this woman said to me once. Well, a date is

856
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,200
Speaker 3: a thing that you do where you meet someone new

857
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 3: and you go to see if they like you.

858
00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 2: And if you like them.

859
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 3: And I told her, I said, no, wonder you have

860
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:25,560
Speaker 3: so much trepidation around dating. Yeah, everything is a question

861
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,719
Speaker 3: mark to see if and if they like me and

862
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 3: to see It's like that makes that that sounds very

863
00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 3: daunting as opposed to I am going specifically to connect.

864
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 3: That's it.

865
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:39,320
Speaker 2: I'm going to connect.

866
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 3: And if you're with somebody and you're doing all the

867
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 3: connecting and this person is just not returning the serve,

868
00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:47,279
Speaker 3: it doesn't mean you change your tune and it doesn't

869
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,759
Speaker 3: mean you keep swinging the bat. You just quietly make

870
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:53,640
Speaker 3: your decision of like, oh this isn't the person for me,

871
00:42:53,760 --> 00:42:55,520
Speaker 3: But don't get angry about it. Don't feel like you

872
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:56,360
Speaker 3: wasted an evening.

873
00:42:56,800 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 1: No more information, like, well, we've said that you have

874
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 1: been at a matchmaker for twenty five years, but you

875
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,400
Speaker 1: also started a business called Level Connections, which I touched

876
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:09,040
Speaker 1: on at the beginning of the podcast. One of the

877
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,160
Speaker 1: stats that I thought was amazing is that you guys

878
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 1: have achieved an eighty nine percent matchmaking success rate and

879
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 1: you've personally introduced to hundreds of couples that are now

880
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:22,879
Speaker 1: married with only a one percent divorce rate. To tell

881
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:26,240
Speaker 1: us about the company and how it's incorporating AI even

882
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,360
Speaker 1: into the matchmaking process.

883
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:32,759
Speaker 3: Yes, so when I say eighty nine percent, that's not

884
00:43:32,840 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 3: everybody getting married. My company is called Level Connections, not

885
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:39,919
Speaker 3: level marriage. Eighty nine success means usually within the first

886
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,279
Speaker 3: six months of a client working with me, they've met

887
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:45,400
Speaker 3: someone that they're dating that they really really like. And

888
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 3: then on top of that, it's engagements in marriages. And

889
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:51,480
Speaker 3: you know, I haven't had hundreds of marriages. I've had

890
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:54,960
Speaker 3: hundreds of relationships. And every year, depending on how many

891
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,399
Speaker 3: clients you work with, like now, I specialize in only

892
00:43:57,480 --> 00:44:00,880
Speaker 3: ten male clients per year. Not all are going to

893
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:02,759
Speaker 3: get married, not all want to be married right, they

894
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,759
Speaker 3: might get married the next year. So for me, there's

895
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 3: so much value in are you dating smarter than you

896
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:11,400
Speaker 3: ever did before? Are you dating more specifically? Are you

897
00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,319
Speaker 3: meeting somebody that you actually want to spend time with?

898
00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:14,560
Speaker 2: And when I look at.

899
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:16,239
Speaker 3: The men that I've worked with, those who have been

900
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:19,520
Speaker 3: married through me, never met more than six or seven,

901
00:44:20,239 --> 00:44:23,760
Speaker 3: maximum eight people through me, that's cool.

902
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:25,759
Speaker 2: That means it's not a numbers game.

903
00:44:26,239 --> 00:44:28,000
Speaker 3: That means when you know what you're doing and you

904
00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 3: can align two people and bring them together, they're going

905
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 3: to find connection. Chemistry is a little bit more in

906
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:38,759
Speaker 3: the stars, but I can basically predict compatibility. So when

907
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 3: I built in AI into this company that I created,

908
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:45,600
Speaker 3: it was to help me source and sort through my network.

909
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:49,160
Speaker 3: Most profiles are people filling out long, long lists of

910
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:52,439
Speaker 3: what they want and they write big paragraphs. And after

911
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:56,560
Speaker 3: years of doing that and like reading bios and getting

912
00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 3: involved with day to day meetings with people, I was

913
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 3: limiting how many peop pople I could meet. And so

914
00:45:01,680 --> 00:45:05,120
Speaker 3: before sort of this whole AI boom, I thought, wait

915
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,560
Speaker 3: a minute, is there a better way to onboard women

916
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:10,719
Speaker 3: into my network where they're guided through a questionnaire that

917
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:14,120
Speaker 3: I created that would mimic and mirror how I would

918
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:16,880
Speaker 3: be with them. Things I would say back what they

919
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,759
Speaker 3: would learn in the meeting with me, because every meeting

920
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:23,560
Speaker 3: has to be educational in style. And then through those questions,

921
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:27,279
Speaker 3: how would I map those answers Based on my experience

922
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:32,279
Speaker 3: of interviewing, matching coaching pre date post date, what attributes

923
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:36,200
Speaker 3: often go together? And so I realized that even though

924
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:39,799
Speaker 3: matchmaking feels like this elusive, magical, fairy dust kind of thing,

925
00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:44,520
Speaker 3: it is more strategic. It is more mathematical because anytime

926
00:45:44,560 --> 00:45:47,320
Speaker 3: you do something for a long period, you're going to

927
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:50,959
Speaker 3: see patterns. And so the algorithm that I created wasn't

928
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:51,960
Speaker 3: apples to apples.

929
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:55,280
Speaker 2: It's not as basic as that. It's what is the blend?

930
00:45:56,160 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 2: When I am this? Who is this?

931
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 3: There's a Bruce Springsteen song that's called should I Fall Behind?

932
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,560
Speaker 3: It's like, if I fall behind.

933
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:04,760
Speaker 2: You know, can you pick up the pieces?

934
00:46:05,400 --> 00:46:07,200
Speaker 3: And so that's what I did. I kind of created

935
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:11,400
Speaker 3: this algorithmic process. I built it for myself so that

936
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:13,160
Speaker 3: I could have a better company and I could have

937
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:16,160
Speaker 3: a little bit more AI and technology behind me, not

938
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,080
Speaker 3: in front of me, so that I could be more

939
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:21,920
Speaker 3: personalized with my VIP clients able to do the good work.

940
00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:25,040
Speaker 3: And then I realized a few years back when I

941
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:28,080
Speaker 3: was speaking at a matchmaking conference that a lot of

942
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:31,160
Speaker 3: the matchmakers didn't have my same organization. They didn't have

943
00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:34,080
Speaker 3: that same sort of setup so that they weren't buried

944
00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:37,560
Speaker 3: in admin. So then I launched that last year and

945
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 3: now we're inviting matchmakers to come in and work within

946
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:43,920
Speaker 3: the same kind of platform, more like if there were

947
00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:46,319
Speaker 3: you know, there's an MLS for real estate, but there's

948
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:49,799
Speaker 3: not an mls for matchmakers. We all are using the

949
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:53,080
Speaker 3: same data points, and yet we're using our own individual

950
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:56,840
Speaker 3: personalities and blair and talent. We can work in a

951
00:46:56,840 --> 00:47:01,720
Speaker 3: more unified way, therefore maybe matching our clients faster, getting

952
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:05,200
Speaker 3: more singles off their apps and into this network. And

953
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,879
Speaker 3: so that's that was my mission this last few years

954
00:47:08,000 --> 00:47:09,040
Speaker 3: is to build this company.

955
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:11,040
Speaker 2: And I'm really really enjoying it.

956
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:14,120
Speaker 3: I love the strategy of love, not how to get

957
00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:16,200
Speaker 3: somebody to love you, but like how do we get there?

958
00:47:16,320 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 3: Like what are the components that go together? And how

959
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 3: do you iterate? So dates are iteration right?

960
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:23,240
Speaker 2: What worked?

961
00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:26,279
Speaker 3: What could be done better? What did you see? What

962
00:47:26,360 --> 00:47:30,080
Speaker 3: was missing? So it's much more layered and complicated and

963
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,839
Speaker 3: deeper than people think it is. But I just tried

964
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:37,360
Speaker 3: to kind of put my brain into technology so that

965
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:40,160
Speaker 3: God forbid, if I'm not here or something happens to me,

966
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:43,120
Speaker 3: like what happens to my company? Like what's there for

967
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:46,359
Speaker 3: everybody if I'm not there, if I'm on vacation with

968
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:49,600
Speaker 3: my husband and my family, you know, are people still

969
00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:50,200
Speaker 3: being served?

970
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:53,799
Speaker 1: Yeah? It's actually a much more realistic business model if

971
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:55,920
Speaker 1: you think about it, because you don't have to be

972
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:59,719
Speaker 1: there exactly all the time. Like, that's just not the

973
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 1: thing that we ask of ourselves as human when you

974
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:07,040
Speaker 1: own a business. It's really like bizarre to me. I

975
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: know we're running out of time, but I wanted to

976
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:11,960
Speaker 1: ask you. If anyone is listening and they're on the apps,

977
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:14,919
Speaker 1: for instance, what would you say the main reason for

978
00:48:15,040 --> 00:48:17,880
Speaker 1: hiring someone like you or working within one of your

979
00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:21,319
Speaker 1: platforms and things like that to open their dating life

980
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:23,959
Speaker 1: up in a way that maybe the apps or even

981
00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 1: just going out into town can do well.

982
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:30,680
Speaker 3: First, the people that they would be meeting are more qualified.

983
00:48:30,719 --> 00:48:33,359
Speaker 3: They're qualified by somebody other than you, and you may

984
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,880
Speaker 3: not be trained in that, and that's fine, right, It's okay.

985
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:40,160
Speaker 3: Hopefully you're meeting somebody that's also equally invested in the process,

986
00:48:40,239 --> 00:48:42,400
Speaker 3: especially if you are a woman going to a matchmaker,

987
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:46,000
Speaker 3: but more than that invest in. If you want to

988
00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:48,040
Speaker 3: get off the apps and you're feeling that you are

989
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:51,120
Speaker 3: in sort of a cycle of groundhog's day and you're

990
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:53,280
Speaker 3: seeing the same thing and you're getting the exact same results,

991
00:48:53,560 --> 00:48:58,640
Speaker 3: that is the time to enlist the support of a consultant.

992
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:03,400
Speaker 3: Mostly work with somebody thinking you have something to learn first,

993
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:06,239
Speaker 3: don't go to a matchmaker because you want them to

994
00:49:06,280 --> 00:49:09,440
Speaker 3: provide you something that does not exist because they cannot. Right.

995
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:13,280
Speaker 3: They're not very godmothers. They don't have a magical ball

996
00:49:13,440 --> 00:49:16,600
Speaker 3: like to predict the future. But they should be giving

997
00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:20,719
Speaker 3: you vetted, qualified introductions. But first, you might have some patterns,

998
00:49:21,080 --> 00:49:24,360
Speaker 3: You might have developed some bad habits just because of

999
00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:26,720
Speaker 3: this silly platform that you've been on for a while,

1000
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:29,279
Speaker 3: and you want to unlearn some of that, and you

1001
00:49:29,320 --> 00:49:30,960
Speaker 3: want to go to somebody like you and I talked

1002
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:32,359
Speaker 3: about earlier, which is.

1003
00:49:32,880 --> 00:49:36,000
Speaker 2: Uncle, I'm something that's not working here. Can you kind

1004
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,120
Speaker 2: of look at me and give me your.

1005
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:41,759
Speaker 3: Honest opinion of where my blind spots are. So my

1006
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:44,000
Speaker 3: advice is get off the apps for a while. If

1007
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:47,400
Speaker 3: you're drained and you're tired, go to someone else. There

1008
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,160
Speaker 3: are also really good companies that I know in my

1009
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,480
Speaker 3: world that do online takeovers, and they have a better

1010
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:57,839
Speaker 3: result than you doing it yourself because they're faster, they're

1011
00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:01,480
Speaker 3: not getting caught up in their emotion, more risk, and

1012
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:04,719
Speaker 3: so they are experts actually doing your work for you

1013
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,080
Speaker 3: and then bringing you in when there's a decision to

1014
00:50:07,120 --> 00:50:09,359
Speaker 3: be made. So it kind of gets you out of

1015
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,560
Speaker 3: the way get a you're out of your own way

1016
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,720
Speaker 3: end providing more dates. So if I were especially a woman,

1017
00:50:15,920 --> 00:50:18,720
Speaker 3: I would probably do a blend. I would go to somebody.

1018
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:20,880
Speaker 3: I would have a coach, and I would have somebody

1019
00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:24,239
Speaker 3: doing my online takeover. If you felt that there might

1020
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:26,960
Speaker 3: be a possibility of somebody out there on an app,

1021
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:29,720
Speaker 3: because most people spend at least ninety days.

1022
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:29,880
Speaker 2: Out of that.

1023
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:33,680
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, but if you're yeah, but if you're tired,

1024
00:50:33,719 --> 00:50:36,960
Speaker 3: you're doing it too much and you're taking it on yourself.

1025
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:37,800
Speaker 2: It is a skill.

1026
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:40,919
Speaker 3: Stop doing it. Stop trying to get good at something

1027
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:43,759
Speaker 3: you're not good at. There's really no training for that

1028
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:47,320
Speaker 3: other than stop spending so much time. Like look in

1029
00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:51,360
Speaker 3: your calendar and say, okay, Wednesdays and Sundays, I do laundry.

1030
00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:53,759
Speaker 3: So I'm going to take twenty minutes and check my

1031
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:55,920
Speaker 3: inbox and I'm not even gonna swipe. I'm just going

1032
00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:59,279
Speaker 3: to check what I have received and then if there's

1033
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:01,680
Speaker 3: nothing there, move on with my day and I save

1034
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:04,640
Speaker 3: that thirty minutes. But you've got to like watch yourself

1035
00:51:04,640 --> 00:51:07,440
Speaker 3: and time yourself. The exhaustion is because you're doing it

1036
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:11,520
Speaker 3: too much and not with the right mindset. And you're

1037
00:51:11,560 --> 00:51:13,240
Speaker 3: looking at it as your only avenue.

1038
00:51:13,840 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 1: That is great advice. Well, April has a ton of

1039
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:19,799
Speaker 1: amazing content online. There's an amazing YouTube, and I know

1040
00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:21,480
Speaker 1: on social media as well, So I'm going to put

1041
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:23,520
Speaker 1: all of that, all of the links to that stuff

1042
00:51:23,520 --> 00:51:26,160
Speaker 1: in the description of this podcast. Is there anywhere else

1043
00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:28,000
Speaker 1: that you would say people can keep up with you

1044
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:31,759
Speaker 1: or find your work if they were interested in learning more.

1045
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:34,400
Speaker 3: Well, I spend a lot of time on Instagram, so

1046
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:38,000
Speaker 3: it's April Underscore Buyer and then just keep listening. I'm

1047
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:41,600
Speaker 3: doing a lot this year, a lot of content. Get

1048
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:43,960
Speaker 3: to level connections if you are single. I think it

1049
00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:47,759
Speaker 3: would be great for everybody to have a profile with us,

1050
00:51:47,840 --> 00:51:51,160
Speaker 3: because even if I don't have someone wonderful, someone in

1051
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:53,839
Speaker 3: our world and our network of matchmakers might. So it's

1052
00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:56,640
Speaker 3: like a lottery ticket, but you never know when your

1053
00:51:56,680 --> 00:51:57,560
Speaker 3: number is going to be called.

1054
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,160
Speaker 1: Hey, that's it, I mean the odds. Why not gamble

1055
00:52:01,239 --> 00:52:01,440
Speaker 1: with it?

1056
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:01,719
Speaker 3: You know?

1057
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:03,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're doing it.

1058
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:06,879
Speaker 1: Every day on the apps anyways, that's right, that's right. Well,

1059
00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:08,520
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being here. It was so

1060
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:09,360
Speaker 1: lovely meeting you.

1061
00:52:09,719 --> 00:52:11,400
Speaker 2: Oh you as well, You're so delightful.

1062
00:52:11,440 --> 00:52:13,800
Speaker 1: Thank you Kelly, Thank you guys for listening.