Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break
Speaker 1: down the Psychology of our twenties. Today, we're going to
Speaker 1: look into We're going to explore, I think one of
Speaker 1: the most important concepts when it comes to building healthy,
Speaker 1: realistic relationships in our twenties, whether that's when we are dating,
Speaker 1: when we are building new friendships, or even as we
Speaker 1: begin to see our parents as real people and kind
Speaker 1: of navigating that new relationship. What we're talking about is
Speaker 1: fantasy bonding. Fantasy bonding is one of those concepts taken
Speaker 1: from psychology that I've definitely seen gaining a lot of
Speaker 1: popularity and colloquial usage in online spaces, and it often
Speaker 1: is used to kind of refer to the bonds we
Speaker 1: create with potential partners or love interests in a very
Speaker 1: kind of like misconstrued sense. Often we think that fantasy
Speaker 1: bonding is just this idea of like having a fantasy
Speaker 1: about someone and therefore bonding with them over it, which
Speaker 1: is in some ways true, but I think it ignores
Speaker 1: a lot of the really important psychological origins that are
Speaker 1: not understood, and that is such a shame because once
Speaker 1: we really understand the nature of fantasy bonding, I think
Speaker 1: so much about our lives begins to make so much
Speaker 1: more sense. We can gain a whole new understanding of
Speaker 1: how we approach relationships, why why that is, and we
Speaker 1: begin to be able to identify the kind of invisible
Speaker 1: string or pattern that ties a lot of our relationships together,
Speaker 1: and that is that a lot of the time we
Speaker 1: are a lot more attached to our idea of someone
Speaker 1: or we are of their potential then the reality of
Speaker 1: who they actually are. Our relationships become defined a lot
Speaker 1: more by our perceptions, by wishful thinking, sometimes even willful ignorance,
Speaker 1: than who this person and what this relationship truly could be.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about it. First off, I really want
Speaker 1: to start by giving you a bit of history behind
Speaker 1: where this term originated, because although it's usually used to
Speaker 1: refer to dating and instances of dating, it starts a
Speaker 1: lot earlier than that. So fantasy bonding was a term
Speaker 1: created by doctor Robert Firestone in his book literally titled
Speaker 1: The Fantasy Bond, and it was published quite a while
Speaker 1: almost forty years ago in nineteen eighty five, and he
Speaker 1: used it to describe primarily the connection we typically form
Speaker 1: with our parents and how we all have essentially this
Speaker 1: emotional hunger and need to see our parents or our
Speaker 1: caregivers as utterly perfect and endlessly able to provide us
Speaker 1: with all of our needs, all of the love, comfort
Speaker 1: resources that we need, but also the security that we crave,
Speaker 1: even when sometimes they aren't able to do that. So therefore,
Speaker 1: based on this bond, based on this fantasy that we
Speaker 1: have of our parents, we end up idealizing them in
Speaker 1: order to trust them through everything. So essentially, a fantasy
Speaker 1: bond in this form is what we would call a
Speaker 1: primitive defense mechanism, and we, like I said, develop it
Speaker 1: in early childhood as a way of maintaining an illusion
Speaker 1: of safety and security that is tied to our parents
Speaker 1: even when we are experiencing a lot of hurt or terror.
Speaker 1: It lets us see our parents as our savior in
Speaker 1: an attempt to kind of cope with emotional pain. When
Speaker 1: we are as children really terrified or scared or hurt,
Speaker 1: we have this kind of vision of our parents as
Speaker 1: being able to fix that for us. We have this
Speaker 1: version of our parents in our imagination who are and
Speaker 1: we see them as these all powerful, all healing, kind
Speaker 1: of godlike people, and a lot of our relationship with
Speaker 1: them in the early years of our lives incorporates that
Speaker 1: fantasy bond. So if you think about it, if we
Speaker 1: were from a very young age to see our parents
Speaker 1: the way that we see them now in our twenties
Speaker 1: as kind of real humans, as flawed people as everyone is.
Speaker 1: If we were to see them that way as a children,
Speaker 1: that would as children, that would have made us feel
Speaker 1: a lot less safe about the world, especially at times
Speaker 1: when we were really vulnerable. So it's only as we
Speaker 1: get older that we really begin to realize that our
Speaker 1: parents can't stop us from feeling pain, they can't cure
Speaker 1: all our illnesses, they can't stop terrible things from happening,
Speaker 1: and that, in fact, they may at times be just
Speaker 1: as scared as us. So this fantasy bond serves a
Speaker 1: purpose in our early childhood. It also can sometimes protect
Speaker 1: us from remembering the times that our parents weren't the
Speaker 1: best parents, the times that they screwed up, or they
Speaker 1: hurt us, or they did the wrong thing, Because as children,
Speaker 1: we really have no one else to rely on but
Speaker 1: these caregivers, and yet we are so fragile, and so
Speaker 1: if there was to be something that would cause us
Speaker 1: to not see our parents as being able to help
Speaker 1: us and being these like very powerful creatures, we really
Speaker 1: wouldn't have any sense of security in the world. Most
Speaker 1: people grow out of the fantasy bond that they have
Speaker 1: with their parents, it becomes more realistic for those that don't.
Speaker 1: We have people who will continue to idealize their parents
Speaker 1: and family, seeing it through rose colored lenses. Maybe you
Speaker 1: have encountered people who are like, oh, you know, there
Speaker 1: was always something wrong with me as a kid. My
Speaker 1: parents were great, Like I was a bad kid. They
Speaker 1: did whatever they could. They're like my hero, They're amazing.
Speaker 1: I think that some of those, like appraisals, are good
Speaker 1: things to have, like respecting your parents, loving your parents,
Speaker 1: appreciating them totally normal, and sometimes there is nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with our childhoods that would cause us to not believe that.
Speaker 1: But I think this more refers to people who have
Speaker 1: had this fantasy bond to the point, this fantasy bond
Speaker 1: to the point where it's kind of created an unbalanced relationship.
Speaker 1: For example, maybe they bring a new family member in,
Speaker 1: they start dating someone they've talked about how their family
Speaker 1: is like amazing, that parents could do anything, and then
Speaker 1: like the new girlfriend, the new boyfriend, the new partner
Speaker 1: comes in and is like, whoa, Like, there's a lot
Speaker 1: going on here this My partner is definitely like, has
Speaker 1: this idea of their parents that is not real. The
Speaker 1: other thing that a fantasy bond does is that once
Speaker 1: we have kind of learned that we can dissociate from
Speaker 1: the reality of who someone is and create a version
Speaker 1: of them that is useful for us, we can begin
Speaker 1: to replicate that bond in our adult relationships, primarily in
Speaker 1: our romantic lives. And that is what I really want
Speaker 1: to talk about today. This is when we get the
Speaker 1: fantasy bond that we most often talk about when it
Speaker 1: comes to dating. A fantasy bond situation can be something
Speaker 1: that any of us finds ourselves in because it is
Speaker 1: basically like relying on a very human trait, which is
Speaker 1: our imagination. And what it does is it describes an
Speaker 1: illusion of connection between two people that is based on
Speaker 1: an idea of the love or the connection that you
Speaker 1: share rather than the truth. It is essentially a partial delusion.
Speaker 1: It can be based on someone's potential, a potential that
Speaker 1: they might not be ready or are incapable of fulfilling,
Speaker 1: but you hold onto the possibility because of what it
Speaker 1: could mean for you if they were to change, if
Speaker 1: they could be the fantasy. Essentially, it's having one version
Speaker 1: of this person in your mind and this other version
Speaker 1: of them. There's real not aligning, but we're unable to
Speaker 1: see that gap, that conflict between the fantasy and the reality.
Speaker 1: We all want to feel close to someone. We want intimacy,
Speaker 1: we want security, we want love, we want a relationship,
Speaker 1: and sometimes that can cause us to ignore a lack
Speaker 1: of genuine interest or compatibility, or signs that this person
Speaker 1: is actually not right for us. They actually don't give
Speaker 1: us what we need. But by indulging in the fantasy
Speaker 1: of who this is that we have created for ourselves,
Speaker 1: the relationship can still be sustained and provide us things
Speaker 1: that we want in other areas. Another reason this might
Speaker 1: develop is when we place unrealistic expectations on someone and
Speaker 1: we imagine that they can somehow solve all our problems.
Speaker 1: They are the one who can make us feel loved
Speaker 1: and chosen and seen and complete. And what this tends
Speaker 1: to do is cause us to accelerate our emotional bond.
Speaker 1: I think that love. What I've learned about love is
Speaker 1: that it should feel really natural and easy and like
Speaker 1: a gradual progression and increasing closeness. The relationships where you
Speaker 1: meet someone and you're instantly like, that is my soulmate.
Speaker 1: I need to tell them everything about me. I've often
Speaker 1: found that, you know, it's the saying right, like the
Speaker 1: candle that burns the brightest, like goes out the fastest.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's this. It could be something else, but the
Speaker 1: idea is the same. Right that intensity is not sustainable,
Speaker 1: and so so when we find ourselves creating a fantasy bond,
Speaker 1: we are that intensity is really defining of those situations,
Speaker 1: and we often force a lot of artificial intimacy with them.
Speaker 1: So we might be like, I know I've only known
Speaker 1: you for a week, but let's go on a trip together.
Speaker 1: Like do you want to do you want to come
Speaker 1: on a trip? Do you want to go on an
Speaker 1: overseas like holiday, Do you want to go on a
Speaker 1: weekend away? Or we'll be like, oh, by the way,
Speaker 1: like my mom's in town, why don't you just meet her?
Speaker 1: Why don't you just move in with you know, we've
Speaker 1: only don't know each other for like three weeks. Let's
Speaker 1: just move in together. And it's because that intensity, that
Speaker 1: artificial intimacy, allows us to overlook some of the things
Speaker 1: below the surface that doesn't match the vision, doesn't match
Speaker 1: the idea of this person, because we are so blindsided
Speaker 1: by all of the excitement and how fast everything is
Speaker 1: moving at the beginning of a relationship, we put on
Speaker 1: those rose colored lenses to ensure that the red flags
Speaker 1: look a lot more golden to us, or we ignore
Speaker 1: parts of this person that don't align with what we want.
Speaker 1: It also is seen in long term relationship as well.
Speaker 1: People who have developed this type of bond often deceive
Speaker 1: themselves by imagining that they still love this person long
Speaker 1: after the feelings of affection and friendship and compassion and
Speaker 1: intimacy have faded, because they want to be in love
Speaker 1: with them, so they continue to elevate the fantasy of
Speaker 1: what this person could be or it currently is, and
Speaker 1: what this causes us to do is to find comfort
Speaker 1: and security in a dream in our imagination, and therefore
Speaker 1: neglect or unfortunately turn away from possibilities that we could
Speaker 1: actually find genuine satisfaction with someone else. So I've kind
Speaker 1: of spoken about a few reasons why this occurs. Obviously,
Speaker 1: the pattern for this kind of dynamic begins in childhood
Speaker 1: for some of us, where we learn to do this
Speaker 1: with our parents. But additionally there's also a lot of
Speaker 1: adult triggers or cues that create and replicate this kind
Speaker 1: of dynamic. Firstly, if you have been through a long
Speaker 1: period of like people who have just treated you poorly,
Speaker 1: if you've just you know, the last couple of years,
Speaker 1: everyone has just kind of broken your heart or pulled
Speaker 1: away or hasn't want to commit, you are probably emotionally
Speaker 1: exhausted at this stage, Like you are probably very tired,
Speaker 1: and you can't take another failure. You really can't, your
Speaker 1: heart can't take it. So subconsciously, the next person who
Speaker 1: comes along you create a fantasy bond because it's easier
Speaker 1: to overlook the things that would previously have caused a
Speaker 1: relationship to fail, and therefore you avoid another disappointment. A
Speaker 1: lot of us, myself included. I'm going to include myself
Speaker 1: in this box. Have a very innate fear of being alone.
Speaker 1: It's only natural. I think it's one of our basic
Speaker 1: human needs is belonging, is connection, so we'll do almost
Speaker 1: anything to obtain it, especially in romantic form, and the
Speaker 1: fantasy that we create allows us to simultaneously avoid being
Speaker 1: alone whilst also avoid seeing this person we're with for
Speaker 1: who they are. And if we were to see the
Speaker 1: real version of them that isn't hidden behind our imaginative,
Speaker 1: you know, dream and vision, we probably wouldn't be with them,
Speaker 1: and we probably would ask for a lot more from
Speaker 1: the person we're with. It might also be that this
Speaker 1: person is like so close to being the right one,
Speaker 1: so almost perfect, that we're like, you know what, this
Speaker 1: is good enough. If you don't feel like you deserve
Speaker 1: the best, If you don't feel like you deserve the
Speaker 1: kind of love that everyone talks about that is perfect
Speaker 1: and fulfilling and made for you, you will settle. And there
Speaker 1: will be a sense of part of you that will
Speaker 1: not want to settle. But the fantasy fills that gap
Speaker 1: because it allows you to once again see everything through
Speaker 1: those rose tinted glasses. So this creates the fantasy bonding cycle.
Speaker 1: You feel a deep, almost irrational longing for this person,
Speaker 1: and you begin to find that all of your thoughts
Speaker 1: find their way back to them. You place them on
Speaker 1: a pedestal, and when you create once again the image
Speaker 1: of them that is vastly different from who they actually are,
Speaker 1: and it's this image that makes you fall in love more,
Speaker 1: makes you fall in deeper because you are the ones
Speaker 1: sustaining it. So the connection that you have with them,
Speaker 1: it feels real. But it also simultaneously is allowing you
Speaker 1: to overlook a lot of red flags. It's allowing you
Speaker 1: to minimize some of the disappointments, some of the letdowns.
Speaker 1: It may also be that you continue a relationship based
Speaker 1: on the good times you had in the past. You're
Speaker 1: only there because you think you can get back to
Speaker 1: that when there was. You know, there might not be
Speaker 1: an indication that that is true. You know, the fantasy
Speaker 1: that you initially created may begin to disintegrate and deteriorate.
Speaker 1: But actually that causes you to invest more in the
Speaker 1: illusion because you have a lot to lose now. So
Speaker 1: this cause us to once again turn up the intensity,
Speaker 1: create more closeness again and again, and again, you keep
Speaker 1: pushing it, but also ignore your gut instinct when it
Speaker 1: comes to the relationship. I talk about gut instinct. I
Speaker 1: actually think quite a bit on this podcast now that
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it, because I really believe in it.
Speaker 1: I have a deep belief that this type of like
Speaker 1: physical visceral intuition is often correct, and in fact, we've
Speaker 1: actually seen in a lot of studies recently confirming that
Speaker 1: intuition is a very real psychological process in which subconsciously, unconsciously,
Speaker 1: our brains are making assessments that we don't particularly know
Speaker 1: about on a conscious level in order to get us
Speaker 1: to the right decision. So it is using past experiences,
Speaker 1: it is using environmental and internal cues to kind of
Speaker 1: guide us in the right direction. Even if that process
Speaker 1: that ends thought, that conclusion isn't explicit, it's intuitive, it
Speaker 1: feels implicit. But when there is a much stronger urge
Speaker 1: to go a different way, when like our front brain,
Speaker 1: our active brain is being like, no, I want love,
Speaker 1: I want a relationship, I'm going to just go with
Speaker 1: this person, we can really ignore the valuable insight that
Speaker 1: is brought by this kind of gut feeling. And so
Speaker 1: when we're caught in a fantasy bond, we end up
Speaker 1: surrendering a lot of things. We end up, you know,
Speaker 1: surrendering a lot of our needs, surrendering a lot of
Speaker 1: our identity, surrendering a lot of our boundaries to sustain
Speaker 1: the relationship. And I have seen a lot of consequences
Speaker 1: of this in my own life. I would say one
Speaker 1: of the biggest like consequences of a fantasy bond are
Speaker 1: these really drawn out situationships that we find ourselves in,
Speaker 1: Situationships that are defined by a lot of longing, a
Speaker 1: lot of wishful thinking, and inevitably a broken heart. And
Speaker 1: this primarily occurs because we ignore this person's lack of commitment,
Speaker 1: use it by thinking that they just need more time,
Speaker 1: or that if we offer more of ourselves up they
Speaker 1: will change their mind. We just need to be better,
Speaker 1: We need to be, you know, to do something that
Speaker 1: is going to convince them. That is not true. This
Speaker 1: person is not who you want them to be. Your
Speaker 1: perception of the potential future with this person is based
Speaker 1: on false premises. It's based on you misconstruing reality once again,
Speaker 1: on the illusion of someone falling in love with someone's
Speaker 1: potential is both an unconscious but also a dangerous game,
Speaker 1: even if we don't mean it to be. A couple
Speaker 1: of years back, actually I met this guy and it
Speaker 1: was straight out of a long term relationship, and I
Speaker 1: became like I was so I think, firstly emotionally vulnerable
Speaker 1: that I became immediately attached to him because of the
Speaker 1: idea of what he could bring me, which was the
Speaker 1: love that I really missed, And with that, I didn't
Speaker 1: want to accept the fact that, like maybe I actually
Speaker 1: just needed a rebound. I had to accept the fact
Speaker 1: that this was the one, and what ensued was a
Speaker 1: really great deal of toxic hope. I ignored how fickle
Speaker 1: he was. I ignored how often I was a second
Speaker 1: choice for him. I ignored how he put me down,
Speaker 1: how every time I tried to talk about the future
Speaker 1: he would be incredibly dismissive, because it was important for
Speaker 1: me to ignore that to continue the relationship, because I
Speaker 1: think if I had acknowledged it, there was no way
Speaker 1: that I would stay. There's no way I was going
Speaker 1: to be there, and so I just kept the fantasy up.
Speaker 1: I just kept ignoring it, and that was also just
Speaker 1: not apparent to me, and I think if I had
Speaker 1: initially known that sooner and applied the necessary boundaries, it
Speaker 1: wouldn't have lasted for so long. But the thing is
Speaker 1: is that the fantasy doesn't make itself known until afterwards,
Speaker 1: and so it's easier to say it now in hindsight,
Speaker 1: but at the time, obviously, like, I can only believe
Speaker 1: what my mind tells me, and my mind is also
Speaker 1: creating this like imaginative person and this like vision of
Speaker 1: this person, and so that's what I'm gonna believe. The
Speaker 1: other relation of sequence of ignoring who someone truly is
Speaker 1: for the fantasy is that inevitably, as the relationship progresses,
Speaker 1: you will end up trying to change them so that
Speaker 1: they match the idea of what you initially wanted in
Speaker 1: them as a partner, because you haven't truly bonded with
Speaker 1: who they are in reality, because you've bonded with the fantasy. Eventually,
Speaker 1: that imagined version and that real version are not going
Speaker 1: to align. They're going to come into conflict, and instead
Speaker 1: of being able to accept that maybe you were just
Speaker 1: wrong about them, you're going to look for ways to
Speaker 1: solve the problem. Honestly, I'm going to say this a
Speaker 1: little bit of a caveat I don't think you need
Speaker 1: to love everything about your partner at all times. Like
Speaker 1: that's not to say that if you find things that
Speaker 1: like maybe annoy you a little bit, or little habits
Speaker 1: that you would like to change, that potentially you've actually
Speaker 1: fantasy bonded. But what I'm really speaking about here is
Speaker 1: significant things that you have obviously at some point overlooked
Speaker 1: in favor of this person's potential. And they're big things.
Speaker 1: I'm talking religious differences, I'm talking extreme lifestyle differences. These
Speaker 1: are things that you can only ignore for so long.
Speaker 1: The fantasy can only stay intact for so long before
Speaker 1: you're going to want something to change. And it leads
Speaker 1: to a lot of conflict because this person doesn't want
Speaker 1: to change. They never promised they would, so they feel
Speaker 1: a little bit blindsided, and they also feel incapable. It's
Speaker 1: going to put a strain on the relationship, and most
Speaker 1: of the time it will lead it to fall apart
Speaker 1: because it's almost like you wake up and you realize
Speaker 1: that you are in love with someone who does not exist.
Speaker 1: You are in love with someone that you created in
Speaker 1: your mind. And I think that the result of that
Speaker 1: is that we feel a lot of regret because we
Speaker 1: wasted our time. We feel like we've misled ourselves. We
Speaker 1: feel angry, we feel hurt, we feel heartbroken because like,
Speaker 1: how could we have done this? You know, who was
Speaker 1: this person that we loved? Where did we get this from?
Speaker 1: But I really want to remind you that it's not
Speaker 1: a conscious choice. It comes from so many things. You
Speaker 1: also probably have a very big heart. You have an
Speaker 1: optimistic personality. You want to see the best in people.
Speaker 1: You want to believe that they can be the best
Speaker 1: versions of themselves, that they can change, that they can
Speaker 1: be their potential. That is why you find yourselves in
Speaker 1: these relationships with people where like you're just constantly thinking
Speaker 1: it's gonna get better. This fantasy that you have of
Speaker 1: them is reality, because to not believe that would really hurt.
Speaker 1: So what I actually want to talk about next is
Speaker 1: how we can prevent the fantasy bond before it even begins,
Speaker 1: especially for people who are hopeless romantics, people who are
Speaker 1: maybe just attracted to the idea of anyone who's offering
Speaker 1: them love, who sees the best in everyone even when
Speaker 1: they let us down. I really want to talk about
Speaker 1: that next. So all of that and more after this
Speaker 1: short break. So how exactly do we prevent a fantasy
Speaker 1: bond from forming. I think it's all well and good
Speaker 1: to talk about the origins and the whys and the
Speaker 1: watson all of those things, but actually doesn't help us
Speaker 1: unless we know what to do about it. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to give you some of my best tips as
Speaker 1: a former prolific fantasy idealized kind of person kind of data. Firstly,
Speaker 1: in the beginning, when you're first starting to see someone,
Speaker 1: spread out your dates with them in order to not
Speaker 1: get attached too quickly. When we meet someone that we like,
Speaker 1: of course you want to see them all the time.
Speaker 1: Of course you want the reassurance that they want to
Speaker 1: see you, that they want to continue going on dates
Speaker 1: with you. Let it naturally like, let it naturally form though,
Speaker 1: let it take like a natural progression, instead of trying
Speaker 1: to create that intensity that we spoke about. I think
Speaker 1: physical proximity and frequencies is naturally going to cause you
Speaker 1: to feel closer to someone before you've actually gotten an
Speaker 1: idea of who they really are and what they can
Speaker 1: actually offer you. So take time between your dates with
Speaker 1: someone to actually reflect, to actually make sure you're looking
Speaker 1: after yourself. You are your own person, you're not getting
Speaker 1: caught up in like this whirlwind, and you don't get
Speaker 1: completely engulfed by this new person either. It's really interesting
Speaker 1: because I think that like the consequences of fantasy bonding
Speaker 1: are like intense emotional availability compared to emotional unavailability, and
Speaker 1: we don't want either of those things right. We want
Speaker 1: to balance between the two. It's very easy to go
Speaker 1: the other direction and put on this image of being
Speaker 1: very cold and very heartless and very like, I don't know, detached.
Speaker 1: That's also not the way to find love. So I
Speaker 1: think if you want a number, I would say when
Speaker 1: you first start dating someone, a week between dates is
Speaker 1: really good, and then after like the third date, you
Speaker 1: can kind of increase. After like the tenth date, you
Speaker 1: should increase as well. I also think do not look
Speaker 1: for a label too soon. You actually need time to
Speaker 1: test things. You need time to actually know this person
Speaker 1: and know who they are and know theyre wance, know
Speaker 1: what they can give you rather than what you think
Speaker 1: they can give you, If that makes sense. Part of
Speaker 1: that is having a list of non negotiables. If you
Speaker 1: know that you are particularly susceptible to this kind of bond,
Speaker 1: which I'm assuming you know because you're listening to this episode.
Speaker 1: Make sure that your rational voice is speaking louder than
Speaker 1: your romantic voice than your like fantasy voice, if that
Speaker 1: makes sense. When you meet someone you really like like,
Speaker 1: it's so easy to get super carried away in them,
Speaker 1: intoxicated by them, that we actually forget what we're really
Speaker 1: looking for, and we forget what we really want and
Speaker 1: what we really deserve. That is where your non negotiables
Speaker 1: come into play. I've talked about this on the show before.
Speaker 1: I think that you should have a list. And I
Speaker 1: know that sounds like super rule based and super intense,
Speaker 1: but honestly, it's gonna save you a lot of pain
Speaker 1: in the long run. If you say, Okay, here are
Speaker 1: the five things that I absolutely need in a partner.
Speaker 1: I absolutely need them to be consistent. I absolutely need
Speaker 1: them to be kind. I absolutely need them to live
Speaker 1: close to me. I absolutely need them to like do
Speaker 1: nice things with me, plan dates. I absolutely need them
Speaker 1: to whatever. Have that list, and if they're not meeting
Speaker 1: that those kinds of priorities for you, that is your
Speaker 1: sign to let them go. That is your That is
Speaker 1: you going back to the version of you that was
Speaker 1: rational before you met this person before you may have
Speaker 1: bonded with them through the fantasy telling you what to do.
Speaker 1: You are going to have to listen to your own self.
Speaker 1: You're going to have to listen to the opinion that
Speaker 1: probably matters the most, which is your own. The other
Speaker 1: thing here is remember potential is not the same as actuality,
Speaker 1: and you really need to make sure that you are
Speaker 1: honest with yourself about whether your attraction is based on
Speaker 1: who you want them to be or who they are
Speaker 1: in the moment. So when you start telling your friends
Speaker 1: about them, or when you start talking to yourself about
Speaker 1: them when they're not around, being like, wow, they are
Speaker 1: really so so kind and they're really like super this
Speaker 1: and super that. Do you have examples of that? Is
Speaker 1: that true? I want you to remember an example of it.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to start applying additional you know,
Speaker 1: very generous character traits to this person when they're not
Speaker 1: actually there. On the flip side of this, the other
Speaker 1: side of the coin is are there any negative emotions
Speaker 1: that you are suppressing that you know don't sit right
Speaker 1: right now that you might be concealing by trying to
Speaker 1: speak more positively of this person. You once again need
Speaker 1: to trust your gut. It is going to tell you
Speaker 1: things that you need to hear and you need to
Speaker 1: listen to it. Is there something about this person that
Speaker 1: just doesn't feel quite right that you were ignoring just
Speaker 1: because you want a relationship. Are there things you're not
Speaker 1: telling your friends? That's a big one. It's sometimes, I
Speaker 1: think hard to be honest with ourselves, and we need
Speaker 1: that external accountability and our friends are great for that.
Speaker 1: If there is something that this person has done, if
Speaker 1: there's something they're not offering you that you're like, this
Speaker 1: actually really bothers me, and you wouldn't tell your friends
Speaker 1: about it because you know they would have an opinion
Speaker 1: that might go against what you want from the situation,
Speaker 1: what your fantasy wants. That is a pretty big red
Speaker 1: flag that you should not be ignoring. One of the
Speaker 1: other ones is avoiding actually bringing up things that are
Speaker 1: bothering you because you want this relationship to work. And
Speaker 1: I guess that conflict aversion is so common, is so common,
Speaker 1: and it really is just people pleasing in a new form.
Speaker 1: But also sometimes we can implicitly avoid bringing up the
Speaker 1: things that we might need because it is a way
Speaker 1: of protecting us from acknowledging the fantasy that is occurring.
Speaker 1: Something is upsetting you, But if you were to acknowledge it,
Speaker 1: it would mean that it would counter like come, it
Speaker 1: would contradict the vision, it would contradict who this person is.
Speaker 1: So I think in those moments when something like whether
Speaker 1: it's a lack of commitment, whether it's a lack of consistency,
Speaker 1: they're not replying to your text messages, they never want
Speaker 1: to do things with you, like before seven pm, Like
Speaker 1: they don't want to meet your friends, they don't want
Speaker 1: to like show that they care about you, and you're
Speaker 1: just like almost waiting on them to do that. That's no, No,
Speaker 1: we're not waiting anymore. If that is if your non negotiable,
Speaker 1: say you want someone who is consistent, you want someone
Speaker 1: who puts an effort, and they're not doing that. It
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you're scared of conflict. You need to
Speaker 1: do this for yourself, and you need to recognize that
Speaker 1: there is an unconscious part of you, a very rudimentary
Speaker 1: and primal part of you, that is actually not letting
Speaker 1: you see this clearly. When we get to this point,
Speaker 1: I think you do need to end things and treat
Speaker 1: it like a breakup. No matter how long you've been together,
Speaker 1: even if labels or exclusivity was never spoken of. I
Speaker 1: think I really struggle when I see people have what
Speaker 1: are these very emotionally intense relationships and then deny themselves
Speaker 1: the grief that they deserve. This still touched you, This
Speaker 1: still was important to you, And relationships, however long they are,
Speaker 1: this was still a relationship. If it ends abruptly, it
Speaker 1: will create an emotional vortex, especially after the intensity of
Speaker 1: a fantasy bond. The memories feel bigger when they have
Speaker 1: become inflated by expectation. So it's normal to feel a
Speaker 1: little bit mentally and emotionally unstable because you're kind of
Speaker 1: also at the same time as you're grieving the potential
Speaker 1: of this person, you're grieving the what ifs. You're also
Speaker 1: floating back down to reality in the aftermath. So some
Speaker 1: tips at the stages ignore the need for closure if
Speaker 1: you do end things. As humans, I think we love closure.
Speaker 1: We crave closure because we are really bad at dealing
Speaker 1: with uncertainty and we want answers. It is this thing
Speaker 1: that they talk about a lot in psychology, is also
Speaker 1: in the psychology around trauma as well, and how we
Speaker 1: make memories. How we process memories is that we like
Speaker 1: our stories to have a nice ending, because that means
Speaker 1: that we can properly place those memories in their proper location,
Speaker 1: in their proper box. We like when chapters are closed.
Speaker 1: We like when there are conclusions. And when that doesn't come,
Speaker 1: when the chapter isn't ending as we thought it would
Speaker 1: because we haven't been given the emotional and psychological closure
Speaker 1: we need, it can be super confusing. The thing about
Speaker 1: ending a relationship that is defined by a thing, fantasy,
Speaker 1: bond is that closure probably won't come for a while
Speaker 1: that because there is nothing this person can say that
Speaker 1: will make you feel okay, because they aren't the person
Speaker 1: that you believe they were. They are not that character anymore,
Speaker 1: and so you're looking for answers from someone who quite
Speaker 1: frankly doesn't exist. You thought he was this great guy.
Speaker 1: He wasn't this great guy, but you're still expecting him
Speaker 1: to act like it. You know. I think that it's
Speaker 1: really difficult in that situation because part of you will
Speaker 1: also be like, okay, I want to move on, I
Speaker 1: don't want to remember this person. I don't want to
Speaker 1: keep sitting in the wattifs. But you can hold those
Speaker 1: emotions without letting them rule you. You can feel sad,
Speaker 1: you can feel disappointed, you can feel that fear of loneliness,
Speaker 1: that desire for love without needing to go back to
Speaker 1: that person. I think you just need to learn from
Speaker 1: in that moment, what were the signs that in hindsight
Speaker 1: you probably couldn't see as clearly at the time. I
Speaker 1: also want to remind you that the fact that you
Speaker 1: have formed this bond with someone's potential, that you have
Speaker 1: this fantasy about them, is a really beautiful thing. It's
Speaker 1: because you have a very pure and good heart. You know,
Speaker 1: you do see the best in people. You are generous.
Speaker 1: Your mind has like gone through hoops, has turned so
Speaker 1: many twisty corners to make sure that this person looked
Speaker 1: good in your mind's eye, that they continued to have
Speaker 1: a good reputation in your imagination. As a way of healing,
Speaker 1: I do honestly think you should listen to the breakup
Speaker 1: episode that we did last year for more tips on this.
Speaker 1: But the number one thing I would say is get
Speaker 1: back to a place of independence where you actually begin
Speaker 1: to reinforce how worthwhile and amazing you are. You don't
Speaker 1: need a fantasy of someone because you deserve the real thing.
Speaker 1: You know, you deserve more than what your imagination has
Speaker 1: concocted for you. Part of that is also just I
Speaker 1: think part of why we end up in these situationships
Speaker 1: and these relationships and these like weird dynamics is because
Speaker 1: we don't necessarily feel like super confident and who we
Speaker 1: are as a person. We maybe don't feel super fulfilled
Speaker 1: or entertained by our lives. So work on bringing back
Speaker 1: those hobbies. I saw this amazing video the other day
Speaker 1: of this woman who is spending the year doing the
Speaker 1: things that she used to do as a kid. When
Speaker 1: we're younger, we have all of these amazing parts of us,
Speaker 1: and we are like these super active and like incredible people,
Speaker 1: and we have hobbies and whatnot and so many different talents,
Speaker 1: and we lose that as we get older, and we
Speaker 1: sometimes tend to replace those things, those activities with relationships
Speaker 1: and we let them be our main source of entertainment,
Speaker 1: and we can really lose ourselves in that. So get
Speaker 1: back to your hobbies, get back to your friends, get
Speaker 1: back to yourself, and kind of tend to those secret
Speaker 1: gardens that you contain within you. I talk about this
Speaker 1: analogy a lot. But each of us has these little
Speaker 1: parts of us that really no one is ever fully
Speaker 1: going to understand, these little quirks, these little interests, these
Speaker 1: things that make you curious, that are precious and just
Speaker 1: for you. Make sure that you're tending to those. It
Speaker 1: is totally okay if you got wrapped up in the
Speaker 1: idea of someone. We've all been there. I've been there
Speaker 1: so many times. We want to see people be their best.
Speaker 1: We want them, we want to believe that they could
Speaker 1: be what we want, and we want love, we want
Speaker 1: a relationship. So when we get to a point of
Speaker 1: maybe exhaustion with dating and exhaustion with a lot of
Speaker 1: dead ends, our mind is going to find a solution
Speaker 1: to that problem, and it's going to use all the
Speaker 1: tools it has, including our imagination. So I don't want
Speaker 1: you to feel any shame. And I also really hope
Speaker 1: that this episode has taught you something about this dynamic,
Speaker 1: that you've learned something that you have something to apply
Speaker 1: to your own life, or at least that you're looking
Speaker 1: out for these kinds of bonds and know why they form.
Speaker 1: I think it really is important to talk about because
Speaker 1: a lot of people end up in relationships with these people,
Speaker 1: with this kind of person that they've bonded with for years,
Speaker 1: and they don't realize what's happened until like ages down
Speaker 1: the line, and suddenly it's this huge shock. But if
Speaker 1: you catch it early, if you know that's how you
Speaker 1: form attachments with people, you can kind of prevent that
Speaker 1: from happening. So thank you so much for listening to
Speaker 1: this episode. If you enjoyed this episode, remember to leave
Speaker 1: a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you
Speaker 1: are listening right now. Share it with a friend if
Speaker 1: you think they might need to hear what we've talked
Speaker 1: about today. And as always, if you have an episode suggestion,
Speaker 1: if you have something to say, if you have an
Speaker 1: experience with fantasy bonding, please reach out to me on
Speaker 1: Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. I would love to hear
Speaker 1: from you. I would love to hear about your experience.
Speaker 1: We can create a little support group or something like that.
Speaker 1: But sending you love, sending you strength, and we will
Speaker 1: be back next week with another episode.