Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Anytime we want to know the true state
Speaker 1: of our relationship, any relationship, whether it's your loving partnership,
Speaker 1: whether it's your relationship with friends, whether it's your relationship
Speaker 1: with siblings. Anytime you want to know the true nature
Speaker 1: of a relationship, assess, evaluate, examine what happens when you're
Speaker 1: facing a crisis. You know, there's a saying that if
Speaker 1: you want to know who somebody is, watch what they
Speaker 1: do when they're in hot water. Hot Water brings out
Speaker 1: the flavor like a tea bag. You know, if you
Speaker 1: really want to know that state, the condition, the true
Speaker 1: essence of any relationship, watch what happens when there's a crisis,
Speaker 1: a problem, a difficulty. That relationship is in hot water.
Speaker 1: Because then you're going to see the flavor of the relationship.
Speaker 1: You're going to see the true nature of it. And
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you have to make anybody wrong. It
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that what has happened previously was bad. But
Speaker 1: pay attention to what happens when your relationship is in
Speaker 1: hot water. That's the situation my caller is facing today,
Speaker 1: and it's probably something that many of us have faced
Speaker 1: or walked through, but we don't pay attention. Today, We're
Speaker 1: going to pay attention. Welcome to the art spot. Now,
Speaker 1: what is your relationship challenge, issue or dilemma that we
Speaker 1: are going to nibble on today.
Speaker 2: Oh, well, there's a couple of things you wanna I
Speaker 2: lost my mama on December twentieth, and I have been
Speaker 2: caretaking for her the la year now, and so the
Speaker 2: last five days of our life, my siblings came and
Speaker 2: sort of took over, and since she passed, I have
Speaker 2: no relationship with them. I'm the oldest of five. I
Speaker 2: had put my job on hold, my relationship on hold,
Speaker 2: everything in caretaking. So I feel well grief, of course,
Speaker 2: and I feel abandoned. And then in the relationship I
Speaker 2: haven't really been in. I feel like I don't even
Speaker 2: know if I should still be in it. So it's
Speaker 2: a lot of things and also recreating a life that
Speaker 2: I'm on hold and I don't I'm struggling, So I
Speaker 2: don't know if it's okay to reach out to you
Speaker 2: in this manner today, but yeah, I felt called to
Speaker 2: do so. Well.
Speaker 1: I don't think you're struggling. I think you're grieving. You
Speaker 1: said you lost your mom just recently. It hasn't even
Speaker 1: been ninety days. No, So mother is really a condition
Speaker 1: of the heart. You know, our mother's really develop the
Speaker 1: energy of a So if you've been taking care of
Speaker 1: your mother for eighteen months, you know she really had
Speaker 1: her heart in the palm of your hand, no matter
Speaker 1: what your relationship was, but also providing care for her,
Speaker 1: being there for her. And it sounds as if you
Speaker 1: were doing it alone. Is that accurate.
Speaker 2: That's accurate.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So now she's gone and your heart is really
Speaker 1: trying to resettle again, and everything probably looks dismal because
Speaker 1: you're in the process of grieving. Yeah, you're in the
Speaker 1: process of grieving. There's really not a lot that you
Speaker 1: can do right now except take care of yourself. You
Speaker 1: don't have to worry about siblings, money, work, relationships. Okay,
Speaker 1: if anything, I would say that the place you can
Speaker 1: focus is on recreating, re established, reassessing your relationship with
Speaker 1: your partner, because that's a heart issue and you probably
Speaker 1: need a safe place to fall whether that relationship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so where is your You said you put your relationship
Speaker 1: on whole. What does that mean and what does that
Speaker 1: look like?
Speaker 2: Well, what it looked like is I was staying in
Speaker 2: my moms in a you know, different city, and then
Speaker 2: he was staying here. I'm back home, and so there
Speaker 2: wasn't really interaction. But now I'm back home and I'm grieving,
Speaker 2: and so he was ready to leave. Actually he had
Speaker 2: packed everything to go because I'm really I'm not present
Speaker 2: and so I don't even know if I should make
Speaker 2: a decision in that manner right now or not.
Speaker 1: Help me, help me understand this. How long were you
Speaker 1: in this relationship? How old is your relationship with your partner?
Speaker 2: For four years?
Speaker 1: Four years? And your mother gets sick and because you
Speaker 1: all are in two different places, you don't continue and
Speaker 1: nurture the relationship.
Speaker 2: It's more than probably more than I didn't feel supported.
Speaker 2: I don't think, I mean not supportive. But you know
Speaker 2: when you just want to hug or something. I think
Speaker 2: that's what I just need, is someone too, Hey, it's
Speaker 2: going to be okay, or hug me or something. And
Speaker 2: I didn't have that.
Speaker 1: Why he never came to visit you while you were
Speaker 1: taking care of your mother?
Speaker 2: No? No, why never did? I don't.
Speaker 1: Why did you welcome him? Did you ask him?
Speaker 2: I didn't. He said, oh, that's your thing. You need
Speaker 2: to do that on your own.
Speaker 1: Well then that's done. Yeah, that's done. That's done, my love.
Speaker 1: You need to scratch that off the to do list.
Speaker 2: When she passed, he went to see his family in
Speaker 2: another state for the holidays, which she had already planned
Speaker 2: to do. But she did pass on the twentieth. So
Speaker 2: I was like in my grief but super alone. And
Speaker 2: so I've just to really say the final word. I
Speaker 2: haven't said that, and yet in my heart I think
Speaker 2: I should. So I maybe that's the stem of my cult.
Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm well, I felt like sometimes I
Speaker 2: just needed a hug, you know, like my mom's dying
Speaker 2: and I am doing everything, and I feel I feel
Speaker 2: super alone. So I don't. I don't. I've been alone.
Speaker 2: I mean I can handle it, but I'm strong, But
Speaker 2: I don't want to have to be that story. I
Speaker 2: guess does that make any sense?
Speaker 1: The absolute sense, because you were in process of grieving,
Speaker 1: you just lost your mommy. But what I really want
Speaker 1: to encourage you is at this point, put him in
Speaker 1: the basket. Put that relationship in the same basket that
Speaker 1: you're putting your mom Because if you're in a relationship
Speaker 1: and your partnered, you know, one of the absolute cornerstones
Speaker 1: of a relationship is when I'm weak, my partner is strong.
Speaker 1: When I can't that my partner does. And so what
Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say is that a very critical time
Speaker 1: in your life, your partner could and didn't and wasn't
Speaker 1: available to provide you with what you need. And I
Speaker 1: don't sense or see that you are in condition, in
Speaker 1: mental or emotional shape to have a conversation about a
Speaker 1: relationship that has how shall I say, declined over the
Speaker 1: course of eighteen months. If you're telling me, in eighteen
Speaker 1: months your partner never came to support you, bring you
Speaker 1: a cookie, rub your feet, nothing, baby, that's done. Take
Speaker 1: that off the list. That's done.
Speaker 2: He thought he was taking care of my home, so
Speaker 2: I was gone from here, So he was taking care
Speaker 2: of the house. But I think it was serving him also,
Speaker 2: that's in my head. So I guess it was the
Speaker 2: help that it was here, but it'd be more of
Speaker 2: a help if he was there for me.
Speaker 1: I mean, how far apart were you?
Speaker 2: Now? It's an hour drive, an.
Speaker 1: An hour drive, So in eighteen months he couldn't drive
Speaker 1: an hour? Is that what you're telling me? He did
Speaker 1: not drive. Did you talk to him?
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, yes, Yeah, we talked in texts and such. Yeah, absolutely, and.
Speaker 1: Say, oh, okay, so you came home but he didn't.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would come here, but.
Speaker 1: Chris, okay, let me.
Speaker 2: So I was staying with mom, but I have my
Speaker 2: I have my home here, and so I would come
Speaker 2: home maybe two days a week.
Speaker 1: And how was that really? How was the relationship then?
Speaker 2: Well, I'd catch up on sleep. And it's tough because
Speaker 2: I've been with her taking care of her. So I
Speaker 2: did the best I could. I cook, I did you know?
Speaker 2: I did what I could?
Speaker 1: Yeah, beloved, What are you acting like you don't know
Speaker 1: as it relates to your relationship? No, no, tell me.
Speaker 1: I want I want to hear you. I want to
Speaker 1: hear you say what are you acting like you don't know.
Speaker 2: That he doesn't really love me?
Speaker 1: Well, he may love you, but he's definitely not there
Speaker 1: for you, right yeah. I mean, what do you feel
Speaker 1: about the fact that in eighteen months, your partner never
Speaker 1: took an hour long drive to come and support you,
Speaker 1: to see your mother, to like I said, give you
Speaker 1: a cookie, buy you a flower, rub your feet, take
Speaker 1: the trash out, walk the dog, something.
Speaker 2: Exactly, and do your family doesn't like me, so I didn't.
Speaker 2: I don't want to show up there. He just told
Speaker 2: me that a day ago. I didn't know told a
Speaker 2: day ago. But why he never showed up? Honestly funny
Speaker 2: that you're saying that right now, because he just told
Speaker 2: me that I didn't feel, uh, you know, I'd be
Speaker 2: welcome there, that your mom liked me. I said, my
Speaker 2: mom liked you? That wasn't I mean, my god, you well,
Speaker 2: she was dying. I mean it was it was not
Speaker 2: a time for who liked to.
Speaker 1: But he wasn't coming to see your mom. He was
Speaker 1: coming to support you. It was coming to cradle your
Speaker 1: heart that was breaking because you were losing your mom.
Speaker 1: That's what he was coming to do. And if he
Speaker 1: didn't think of that, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I do know what to tell you, but you already know.
Speaker 1: So let me not beat a dead horse.
Speaker 2: You're going right to my heart with this one.
Speaker 1: Okay, we'll talk more about it when we come back.
Speaker 1: Welcome back. I am yan learing. This is the r
Speaker 1: spot in the process of grief. There are things that
Speaker 1: you have to have on your plate and things that
Speaker 1: you definitely don't need on your plate. You don't need
Speaker 1: this on your plate in the midst of grieving the
Speaker 1: loss of your mother. Your heart is shattered. Your heart
Speaker 1: is shattered, I mean your emotional energy. So trying to
Speaker 1: fix him or this in the midst of your heart
Speaker 1: being shattered probably is not going to turn out well
Speaker 1: for you, because even though you're probably weak from grief,
Speaker 1: there's a part of you that probably wants to punch
Speaker 1: him in the eye. Would that be accurate, right in
Speaker 1: the left eye with a closed fists, you know, not
Speaker 1: to hurt him, and I mean that, you know, really,
Speaker 1: I don't mean that as physical, but just right in
Speaker 1: the eye. And then he wants to lead. Yeah, you don't.
Speaker 2: Need that right now, and he left, Okay.
Speaker 1: Good bye. Change the locks that's life. You know. People
Speaker 1: come into your life for a reason or season or lifetime.
Speaker 1: You and him don't have children. Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: No? Yeah, okay, And.
Speaker 1: Maybe the season for that relationship is done. Maybe the
Speaker 1: season is over. Whatever he was there to do, he's
Speaker 1: already done. But clearly, my love, he has shown you
Speaker 1: aside of him. What if you were sick and had
Speaker 1: to go an hour away for treatment.
Speaker 2: Maybe he wouldn't even reason.
Speaker 1: But I would really encourage you just to get that
Speaker 1: off of your heart. And it's a distraction. It's a
Speaker 1: distraction from you going through the grieving process of losing
Speaker 1: your mom. It's a distraction trying to wonder out. Listen,
Speaker 1: haven't call me. I got something for him. You can't
Speaker 1: talk to him. I'll talk to him, Okay, just saying
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, you know, don't act like you don't
Speaker 1: know what this is and don't lean on him.
Speaker 2: M hm oh, okay.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, go ahead say it, say it.
Speaker 2: Oh. I was just gonna say the part of me
Speaker 2: like even going to everything with my mom on hospice.
Speaker 2: I'm a healer. That's what I do. I will, you know,
Speaker 2: at a prominent hospital. I'm a healer. I that's my nature.
Speaker 2: And so to not do that for someone, even like
Speaker 2: whether it's her, whether it's him, whether anyone, it's hard
Speaker 2: for me. So I have to sometimes look at that
Speaker 2: because is it serving me? I don't know, because I
Speaker 2: always look on who over here I can help? And
Speaker 2: even with Mom when she's on, they're like telling me
Speaker 2: you can't, there's nothing, you can't do anything. But it's
Speaker 2: so difficult for me. I guess the acceptance piece of
Speaker 2: it is.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, Well you can't get to the acceptance until
Speaker 1: you walk through the awareness. So what are you aware
Speaker 1: of as it relates to your partner at this time?
Speaker 1: You don't have to do anything about it, but you
Speaker 1: just have to let yourself be aware. What are you
Speaker 1: aware of about you?
Speaker 2: See?
Speaker 1: Let me put it to you this way. People show
Speaker 1: you how they love who they are, well, how they
Speaker 1: love not only who they are, but how they love You.
Speaker 1: Were in a four year relationship with this man and
Speaker 1: he's showing you how he loves. I guarantee you some
Speaker 1: of these signs were there before your mom got sick,
Speaker 1: but because you're in the routine, you maybe don't see it.
Speaker 1: So people show you how they mm hmmm mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And then you have a loving, caregiving heart. So he
Speaker 1: has shown you how he loves in crisis, which in
Speaker 1: a relationship, they're going to be crisis, they're going to
Speaker 1: be difficult times. He has shown you how he loves
Speaker 1: in crisis. So here's the question. We don't make him wrong,
Speaker 1: even though we want to punch him in the eye.
Speaker 1: We don't make him wrong. We don't blame him, we
Speaker 1: don't beat him down. But we look at what we
Speaker 1: saw and we say, do I want to participate in
Speaker 1: the way he loves? So what has he shown you
Speaker 1: about the way he loves? What has he shown you?
Speaker 2: I would have to say I don't want.
Speaker 1: Him, you don't I want more? Okay, but what has
Speaker 1: he shown you? Let's get to the awareness, yeah, about
Speaker 1: the way he loves you.
Speaker 2: And he's absent, so he's more thinking about how it
Speaker 2: will unpacked him. He might feel not feel comfortable to
Speaker 2: go to Moms, so he won't go to moms, or
Speaker 2: if I come home and I'm upset, or what I've
Speaker 2: just gone through with moms. Even when she passed, he
Speaker 2: can't really be there to embrace me or hold me
Speaker 2: or do the things that I would want her need mhm.
Speaker 2: That that's my observation and and my awareness. And yet
Speaker 2: I do see him to be a good person in
Speaker 2: the world. But as far as in the manner of
Speaker 2: how he is with me, I feel that's not loving.
Speaker 2: It's more distance.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, absolutely distance an hour Okay. Yeah, So we're
Speaker 1: talking about how he loves in crisis, and what we
Speaker 1: are aware of is that he's absent at times of crisis. Yes,
Speaker 1: that he puts his needs first in times of crisis,
Speaker 1: that he's not willing to be uncomfortable in times of crisis,
Speaker 1: that he doesn't show up for you in times of crisis,
Speaker 1: and he doesn't love you in times of crisis. So
Speaker 1: you're talking about a relationship with his boundary crisis of
Speaker 1: some kind, challenges issues in life, in life, and this
Speaker 1: is how he loves in times of crisis. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: he's not a good person, doesn't mean you know, he
Speaker 1: kicks dogs and scares old ladies. But do you want
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with someone who's not there, who's absent,
Speaker 1: who doesn't want to be uncomfortable, who puts his needs
Speaker 1: first when you need them the most? Is that how
Speaker 1: you want to love.
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, I don't because that's not who I am.
Speaker 2: So it's very uncomfortable for me. But I'm also scared,
Speaker 2: so I'm of like, I panic if he goes, he
Speaker 2: take his things, like he packed up, I'm left and
Speaker 2: I'm already sad about mom, and I go into panic.
Speaker 1: That No, no, you don't go into panic. You don't
Speaker 1: go into panic. I'm sorry. That is not panic. He
Speaker 1: packed up and left in the midst of your need,
Speaker 1: and you probably go into uh ab rage, you know,
Speaker 1: But because you is shattered, it feels like panic. What
Speaker 1: are you panicking about? He packed up and left because
Speaker 1: I'll be alone? Well you are You've been alone. Hello,
Speaker 1: you've been alone.
Speaker 2: There's the awareness, right, isn't that the awareness? I guess
Speaker 2: forgetting to the awareness I am alone? You've been awareness?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know. Stop telling yourself stories about him.
Speaker 2: I just pretend I'm not right. Yeah, I pretend I'm
Speaker 2: not low.
Speaker 1: What are you acting like you don't know? I'm acting
Speaker 1: like I don't know. He hasn't been there. Yeah, he
Speaker 1: hasn't been there. I'm acting like I don't know. I'm alone.
Speaker 1: I'm acting like I don't know. This person is showing
Speaker 1: me that they cannot, will not, or choose not to
Speaker 1: be there for me when I need it. You acting
Speaker 1: like you don't know that.
Speaker 2: I am and I have been, And when I was
Speaker 2: busy it didn't matter. But I'm not busy anymore. So
Speaker 2: my mind's overworking and the mind calling hit. I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: dinner and.
Speaker 1: Your mind is your mind is all No, I'm glad
Speaker 1: it's dumping out. We're just stepping on each other. But
Speaker 1: that's okay. I'm right here with you. You're not alone
Speaker 1: in this moment. Yeah, And I don't want you to
Speaker 1: think that this is something unusual. This is very usual.
Speaker 1: It's probably easier to distract yourself with booboo acting like
Speaker 1: a fool than it is to deal with the grief
Speaker 1: and the heartbreak of your mother's. Yeah, it's a distraction.
Speaker 2: Yeah and my mom.
Speaker 1: So I say, let him pack. Is he gone?
Speaker 2: No, he brought us stuff back, but it's still in
Speaker 2: the garage, like right by the door, with the intention
Speaker 2: he might go any minute. You know, see how I am.
Speaker 1: That's violence. That is violence. That is violence here, that
Speaker 1: is violence, that's emotional violence. Why don't you invite him
Speaker 1: to take his stuff out your garage and go on
Speaker 1: about his business. Just invite him to do that, because
Speaker 1: it's a distraction and you're avoiding what's really going on,
Speaker 1: which is the heartbreak, which is a heartbreak. And that's
Speaker 1: why I say, instead of dealing with that as a
Speaker 1: separate issue, put him in the basket which with mom
Speaker 1: and both of them are gone. Yeah, yeah, because this
Speaker 1: is a head trip. Does that make sense to you?
Speaker 2: It does. I'm feeling it right now.
Speaker 1: You're acting like you don't know, and Daniel and you
Speaker 1: do know. And the way he's doing this is it's violent.
Speaker 1: He's withholding love, he's withdrawing. And again, this doesn't make
Speaker 1: it I'm a bad person. He's just showing you how
Speaker 1: he loves and you get to choose if this is
Speaker 1: how you want to be loved.
Speaker 2: Mhm wow. Yeah, I've been pretending not enough. That's that's
Speaker 2: amazing what you just said.
Speaker 1: Join the club. We do it all the time because
Speaker 1: sometimes it's easier to hang on than it is to
Speaker 1: say bye. Yeah, and your your mind is telling you see,
Speaker 1: because what could happen is you could start leaning into
Speaker 1: him for the support. He may or may not respond yes,
Speaker 1: And then as you grieve your mom and you get
Speaker 1: deeper and deeper into dependency on him. Can you trust
Speaker 1: that he's not going pack at any moment? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't think you only have one alternative. Put him
Speaker 1: in the basket with mom and just grieve them both
Speaker 1: at the same time.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Now, in terms of your siblings, those are important relationships.
Speaker 1: Why are they not around? Boy? You you really created,
Speaker 1: you really created a wonderful healing opportunity for yourself, didn't you.
Speaker 1: You said, I know, I was there like every minute
Speaker 1: with her.
Speaker 2: And then at the end, well, one brother came from
Speaker 2: New York and the state, but then he got COVID,
Speaker 2: so I couldn't go there for ten days. Well that
Speaker 2: was pivotal because it's right before she passed away. I
Speaker 2: was with her, cooking for living with her until the
Speaker 2: hot and there was days I couldn't go. And then
Speaker 2: she went into that state work in life, there's own
Speaker 2: but in and out of world, and it was really difficult.
Speaker 2: She didn't want to let go, and I've witnessed that,
Speaker 2: but this was difficult in her not letting go. So
Speaker 2: the siblings are all around, and they had different ways
Speaker 2: of how to do it, And I don't know if
Speaker 2: I should even go into that, but just with different
Speaker 2: meds to give and just a lot of control. And
Speaker 2: I knew what she wanted, but it wasn't respected. So
Speaker 2: at the end we're not no one's talking. I'm the
Speaker 2: oldest of five and none of us are talking, and
Speaker 2: so by who I am, I do reach out, but
Speaker 2: I haven't heard from anyone.
Speaker 1: And well, they're grieving. They're grieving, and everybody grieves differently,
Speaker 1: and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: People handle grief the way they handle grief, and because
Speaker 1: you're the oldest, you know, Unfortunately, the how can I say,
Speaker 1: the blessing, the learning, the wisdom is flowing down, it's
Speaker 1: not flowing up. So even in the midst of your grief,
Speaker 1: you have to you have to set the example. And
Speaker 1: it could be as simple as, you know, a text
Speaker 1: to something. We're all grieving. I'm praying for us all
Speaker 1: the day will come when we can all come together
Speaker 1: and honor her. You know, I know we're all grieving.
Speaker 1: I want you to know I'm thinking about you. You
Speaker 1: have to take the high ground because you're the elder.
Speaker 2: Her sister when one of them as executor. And so
Speaker 2: she came in real strong and took over. And I
Speaker 2: guess that's where kind of things went away.
Speaker 1: And what does that mean? She took over, took over?
Speaker 1: What does that mean?
Speaker 2: We took over of how we're going to handle things.
Speaker 2: And Mom didn't want morphing, but she started giving her.
Speaker 1: Morphine because she didn't want her mother to hurt. She
Speaker 1: didn't want her mother to hurt. And she didn't do
Speaker 1: that for you, Mom. She did that because she.
Speaker 2: Couldn't herself be right, she couldn't bear right.
Speaker 1: That's how people grieve. Let's let's not hold her guilty
Speaker 1: of that.
Speaker 2: No, I'm not. It was mean at the end, I'm
Speaker 2: telling you, yeah, I'm not holding her guilty. But she
Speaker 2: she turned mean and started yelling about it, you know,
Speaker 2: and it just it was good at the end.
Speaker 1: And that's because all of you, all of you were crazy.
Speaker 1: We're talking about your heart shattering into a million pieces.
Speaker 1: So nobody is. And if they're not, you say you're
Speaker 1: a healer or you do healing work, and you and
Speaker 1: you walk people through healing process, which means to make whole.
Speaker 1: To heal means to make hole. So you are in
Speaker 1: you know, you have experience and the consciousness of what
Speaker 1: it takes to make people whole. I don't know what
Speaker 1: they do, but they probably didn't even realize they were
Speaker 1: shattered into a million pieces.
Speaker 2: Yeah hopefully, Yeah, yeah, and yeah I know she Cofee
Speaker 2: did it. Yeah, my sister did that. And then they
Speaker 2: were praying in there, and then I was going to
Speaker 2: play this little song and you know, it's very beautiful,
Speaker 2: and then they're coming no months of life music and
Speaker 2: then just leave the room. It was just all that,
Speaker 2: And so maybe what you're saying is too everyone's going
Speaker 2: through their own thing. But I felt like I was
Speaker 2: there with her and I was to me. I feel
Speaker 2: like I was thrown away at the end. And then yeah,
Speaker 2: I you know, and then I I just feel alone. Tomorrow, Well,
Speaker 2: senday to my brother's birthday. That the brothers lived in
Speaker 2: New York. So I did send a card. I have
Speaker 2: sent a I have reached out in that manner, but
Speaker 2: not to push myself on anyone, just to get touchdowns
Speaker 2: kind of a thing. But it doesn't you know, it
Speaker 2: all doesn't feel good.
Speaker 1: It just yeah, but it's the same thing. They were absent.
Speaker 1: They put their needs first, they were not willing to
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, and they don't know how to love you.
Speaker 1: And you need it same thing your boyfriend did. You're
Speaker 1: just getting it from five different directions. Yeah, same exact thing.
Speaker 2: That's the same thing. That's the same thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And this is not the time to
Speaker 1: talk about it.
Speaker 2: It is that I feel.
Speaker 1: That all you can do. They have shown you how
Speaker 1: they love you, and you get to choose whether or
Speaker 1: not you want to participate in the way they are
Speaker 1: loving you. And the way they are loving you now
Speaker 1: is who knows if they have guilt, if they have shame,
Speaker 1: if they have anger. You know, everybody's going to blame somebody.
Speaker 1: We don't know what's going on because they're not talking.
Speaker 1: Give it some breathing space, give it some room, you know,
Speaker 1: do what feels right in your heart, with no expectation
Speaker 1: of how they will respond. I guarantee you the key
Speaker 1: at the hole at the top of the key is
Speaker 1: guilt because they weren't there, and maybe they thought she
Speaker 1: didn't want them there. Maybe they thought you didn't want
Speaker 1: them there. Maybe they couldn't bear to see it. If
Speaker 1: you set yourself up as the healer and the elder,
Speaker 1: and you're going to handle it. Maybe they didn't feel
Speaker 1: there was room for them. Who knows. You know, grief
Speaker 1: makes people crazy. But we're not even talking ninety days.
Speaker 1: This is an open, festering wound.
Speaker 2: Okay, thank you for talking to me.
Speaker 1: And oh my god, how do you deal with an
Speaker 1: open festering wound. You don't keep poking your finger in it.
Speaker 1: You don't, you know, you don't say, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is open, it's festering. You know, it's bleeding, it's oozing.
Speaker 1: You don't say that. You put a band aid on it.
Speaker 1: You change the bandage when it gets crazy or when
Speaker 1: it gets messy, and you leave it to hear it and.
Speaker 2: Don't do like any rash things like go find a
Speaker 2: new job, or do this or that right now. Just
Speaker 2: kind of take it easy.
Speaker 1: I would say, take it easy if you can afford
Speaker 1: to be still, be still. I mean, if you've got
Speaker 1: to go to work, to you, yeah, if you've got
Speaker 1: to go to work, you know, eat popcorn, eat chocolate,
Speaker 1: watch watch Law and Order. Law and Order will heal anything.
Speaker 1: The original Lord Order will heal you. I don't care what.
Speaker 1: That's my prescription for everything. You got a problem. Go
Speaker 1: watch law in order. Let Jack McCoy fix it for you. Okay, okay, oh,
Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself, beloved, give yourself at least two
Speaker 1: months and then start thinking about what you want to
Speaker 1: do and everything right now.
Speaker 2: Make it a decision here with him, like do I
Speaker 2: put that or just allow it to be what it
Speaker 2: is right now?
Speaker 1: What do you well? You know what, in the time
Speaker 1: when I'm hurting, my heart is shattered and oozing, I
Speaker 1: don't want somebody sitting around looking at me like I'm
Speaker 1: a turn up getting ready to sprout something. Why is
Speaker 1: he there? I know I would ask him, why are
Speaker 1: you here?
Speaker 2: Just ask him?
Speaker 1: See what he says. Why are you here? You've shown
Speaker 1: me that you don't want to be uncomfortable. You've shown
Speaker 1: me that in the midst of my crisis, this is
Speaker 1: too much for you to handle. You have made absolutely
Speaker 1: no effort to nurture, to comfort, to support me. Why
Speaker 1: are you here now? Don't ask him if you don't
Speaker 1: want to hear the answer. Yeah, and here's something else
Speaker 1: you want to ask him, just you know, for giggles,
Speaker 1: just for fun and giggles. Okay, your mother was sick
Speaker 1: and you chose or decided or were called to come
Speaker 1: and care for her. How would it make you feel
Speaker 1: if for eighteen months I never came to visit you,
Speaker 1: I never sent you a card, I never came to
Speaker 1: just lay your head on my shoulder to comfort you
Speaker 1: that I never made a move to support you, not
Speaker 1: your mom, but I never made How would that make
Speaker 1: you feel? Yeah? Good? Just ask him, well, let me
Speaker 1: tell you how it made me feel. See what he says,
Speaker 1: and then share with him, and then ask him why
Speaker 1: are you here? But you get to choose because now
Speaker 1: you have an awareness of how he loves and you
Speaker 1: get to choose if you want to participate in the
Speaker 1: way he loves you. During Christ you get to choose.
Speaker 2: Your blessing. Thank you. So.
Speaker 1: In terms of your siblings, those are lifetime and important relationships.
Speaker 1: Give it some time, reach out when it feels right.
Speaker 1: Don't try very hard not to make them wrong and
Speaker 1: make you right. You don't have to recount everything that
Speaker 1: happened because they're grieving. You are the elder, You are
Speaker 1: the healer. You know, once some time is passed, maybe
Speaker 1: issue an invitation for you all to come together and
Speaker 1: you know, celebrate mom or talk about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, something like that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know you don't have to do that now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because they're grieving. And it's what it says to me
Speaker 1: is there were fractures in these relationships before mom got sick. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because when there's a crisis, it tells you how people
Speaker 1: respond and react. Showed you the condition of the relationship
Speaker 1: prior to the crisis.
Speaker 2: See, I didn't even know. I didn't even know. Oh yeah,
Speaker 2: there's a huge awareness there.
Speaker 1: Well, we got to really work on your awareness because
Speaker 1: you seem not to know nothing that's right in your face.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, and ask mister.
Speaker 1: Boo Boo the fool, Ask Boo Boo the fool, why
Speaker 1: is it? Why are you here? Why are you here?
Speaker 1: Please forgive me for talking about your partner, but I
Speaker 1: just know.
Speaker 2: I don't it's so appropriate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, Oh, take care of yourself. Get you some
Speaker 1: lavender oil and get in the bathtub, because lavender oil
Speaker 1: clears energy, and you want your physical body to be
Speaker 1: able to hold the emotional energy that you have.
Speaker 2: Right now, Okay, thank you, this is wonderful.
Speaker 1: All right, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay, okay, alrighty, okay, bye.
Speaker 2: Bye, Thank you, love.
Speaker 1: You, bye. Grief makes people act crazy. It's just that plain.
Speaker 1: It's just that simple. And like I told my caller,
Speaker 1: each situation is different, and in each situation, a conversation
Speaker 1: needs to happen at the appropriate time because we're really
Speaker 1: dealing with the same issue, and that's being abandoned during
Speaker 1: our time of need. But we're dealing with it from
Speaker 1: two separate fronts, if you will. One front is we're
Speaker 1: dealing with it from a family member who's also grieving,
Speaker 1: but the other from a partner who has left my
Speaker 1: caller high and dry. Woo agree. I'm not here to
Speaker 1: tell anybody what they should or should not do. But
Speaker 1: if it were me in that situation, and my supposed
Speaker 1: partner didn't want to see or call or support me
Speaker 1: for that long in this case, boy bye. But that's
Speaker 1: why it is so easy to know the truth about
Speaker 1: a relationship. And the only way you really know is
Speaker 1: when the stuff hits the fan. It's the ultimate test
Speaker 1: to see how people will treat you, what they do
Speaker 1: when they are uncomfortable, or if they will show up
Speaker 1: for you when it really counts. Regardless of what they do,
Speaker 1: you must do what feels right in your heart. Regardless
Speaker 1: of how anybody likes it or how they respond, vote
Speaker 1: for what's right for you. I hope this has been
Speaker 1: helpful to someone, and if you have a question about
Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me
Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven
Speaker 1: sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on social
Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times, and until then,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For
Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.