1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:48,720 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. Anytime we want to know the true state 10 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: of our relationship, any relationship, whether it's your loving partnership, 11 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: whether it's your relationship with friends, whether it's your relationship 12 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: with siblings. Anytime you want to know the true nature 13 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:10,800 Speaker 1: of a relationship, assess, evaluate, examine what happens when you're 14 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,759 Speaker 1: facing a crisis. You know, there's a saying that if 15 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:19,520 Speaker 1: you want to know who somebody is, watch what they 16 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,479 Speaker 1: do when they're in hot water. Hot Water brings out 17 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,959 Speaker 1: the flavor like a tea bag. You know, if you 18 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 1: really want to know that state, the condition, the true 19 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 1: essence of any relationship, watch what happens when there's a crisis, 20 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: a problem, a difficulty. That relationship is in hot water. 21 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,520 Speaker 1: Because then you're going to see the flavor of the relationship. 22 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,000 Speaker 1: You're going to see the true nature of it. And 23 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,080 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you have to make anybody wrong. It 24 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that what has happened previously was bad. But 25 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:04,320 Speaker 1: pay attention to what happens when your relationship is in 26 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 1: hot water. That's the situation my caller is facing today, 27 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,920 Speaker 1: and it's probably something that many of us have faced 28 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 1: or walked through, but we don't pay attention. Today, We're 29 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 1: going to pay attention. Welcome to the art spot. Now, 30 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 1: what is your relationship challenge, issue or dilemma that we 31 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: are going to nibble on today. 32 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 2: Oh, well, there's a couple of things you wanna I 33 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,119 Speaker 2: lost my mama on December twentieth, and I have been 34 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:47,600 Speaker 2: caretaking for her the la year now, and so the 35 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 2: last five days of our life, my siblings came and 36 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:55,640 Speaker 2: sort of took over, and since she passed, I have 37 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 2: no relationship with them. I'm the oldest of five. I 38 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 2: had put my job on hold, my relationship on hold, 39 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:11,680 Speaker 2: everything in caretaking. So I feel well grief, of course, 40 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:17,000 Speaker 2: and I feel abandoned. And then in the relationship I 41 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 2: haven't really been in. I feel like I don't even 42 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 2: know if I should still be in it. So it's 43 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 2: a lot of things and also recreating a life that 44 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:30,799 Speaker 2: I'm on hold and I don't I'm struggling, So I 45 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,320 Speaker 2: don't know if it's okay to reach out to you 46 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:36,960 Speaker 2: in this manner today, but yeah, I felt called to 47 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 2: do so. Well. 48 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 1: I don't think you're struggling. I think you're grieving. You 49 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,839 Speaker 1: said you lost your mom just recently. It hasn't even 50 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:52,920 Speaker 1: been ninety days. No, So mother is really a condition 51 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:59,119 Speaker 1: of the heart. You know, our mother's really develop the 52 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,200 Speaker 1: energy of a So if you've been taking care of 53 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 1: your mother for eighteen months, you know she really had 54 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: her heart in the palm of your hand, no matter 55 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: what your relationship was, but also providing care for her, 56 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:18,039 Speaker 1: being there for her. And it sounds as if you 57 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,719 Speaker 1: were doing it alone. Is that accurate. 58 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:22,920 Speaker 2: That's accurate. 59 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 1: Yeah. So now she's gone and your heart is really 60 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 1: trying to resettle again, and everything probably looks dismal because 61 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 1: you're in the process of grieving. Yeah, you're in the 62 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,599 Speaker 1: process of grieving. There's really not a lot that you 63 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,800 Speaker 1: can do right now except take care of yourself. You 64 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:52,640 Speaker 1: don't have to worry about siblings, money, work, relationships. Okay, 65 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:56,599 Speaker 1: if anything, I would say that the place you can 66 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:03,680 Speaker 1: focus is on recreating, re established, reassessing your relationship with 67 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:10,039 Speaker 1: your partner, because that's a heart issue and you probably 68 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: need a safe place to fall whether that relationship. Yeah, 69 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 1: so where is your You said you put your relationship 70 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: on whole. What does that mean and what does that 71 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: look like? 72 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 2: Well, what it looked like is I was staying in 73 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:29,960 Speaker 2: my moms in a you know, different city, and then 74 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 2: he was staying here. I'm back home, and so there 75 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 2: wasn't really interaction. But now I'm back home and I'm grieving, 76 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,240 Speaker 2: and so he was ready to leave. Actually he had 77 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:45,279 Speaker 2: packed everything to go because I'm really I'm not present 78 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,720 Speaker 2: and so I don't even know if I should make 79 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,839 Speaker 2: a decision in that manner right now or not. 80 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 1: Help me, help me understand this. How long were you 81 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: in this relationship? How old is your relationship with your partner? 82 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 2: For four years? 83 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:07,720 Speaker 1: Four years? And your mother gets sick and because you 84 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:11,480 Speaker 1: all are in two different places, you don't continue and 85 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:12,800 Speaker 1: nurture the relationship. 86 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 2: It's more than probably more than I didn't feel supported. 87 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 2: I don't think, I mean not supportive. But you know 88 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 2: when you just want to hug or something. I think 89 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 2: that's what I just need, is someone too, Hey, it's 90 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,440 Speaker 2: going to be okay, or hug me or something. And 91 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:31,479 Speaker 2: I didn't have that. 92 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 1: Why he never came to visit you while you were 93 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: taking care of your mother? 94 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:40,200 Speaker 2: No? No, why never did? I don't. 95 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,799 Speaker 1: Why did you welcome him? Did you ask him? 96 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 2: I didn't. He said, oh, that's your thing. You need 97 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 2: to do that on your own. 98 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 1: Well then that's done. Yeah, that's done. That's done, my love. 99 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:58,839 Speaker 1: You need to scratch that off the to do list. 100 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 2: When she passed, he went to see his family in 101 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,799 Speaker 2: another state for the holidays, which she had already planned 102 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 2: to do. But she did pass on the twentieth. So 103 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 2: I was like in my grief but super alone. And 104 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 2: so I've just to really say the final word. I 105 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 2: haven't said that, and yet in my heart I think 106 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:29,160 Speaker 2: I should. So I maybe that's the stem of my cult. 107 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 2: I don't know. I'm well, I felt like sometimes I 108 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 2: just needed a hug, you know, like my mom's dying 109 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 2: and I am doing everything, and I feel I feel 110 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 2: super alone. So I don't. I don't. I've been alone. 111 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 2: I mean I can handle it, but I'm strong, But 112 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,640 Speaker 2: I don't want to have to be that story. I 113 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,320 Speaker 2: guess does that make any sense? 114 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 1: The absolute sense, because you were in process of grieving, 115 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 1: you just lost your mommy. But what I really want 116 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: to encourage you is at this point, put him in 117 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 1: the basket. Put that relationship in the same basket that 118 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 1: you're putting your mom Because if you're in a relationship 119 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: and your partnered, you know, one of the absolute cornerstones 120 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: of a relationship is when I'm weak, my partner is strong. 121 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: When I can't that my partner does. And so what 122 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,800 Speaker 1: I'm hearing you say is that a very critical time 123 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:44,679 Speaker 1: in your life, your partner could and didn't and wasn't 124 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:50,800 Speaker 1: available to provide you with what you need. And I 125 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 1: don't sense or see that you are in condition, in 126 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: mental or emotional shape to have a conversation about a 127 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:13,199 Speaker 1: relationship that has how shall I say, declined over the 128 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:17,040 Speaker 1: course of eighteen months. If you're telling me, in eighteen 129 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 1: months your partner never came to support you, bring you 130 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:26,080 Speaker 1: a cookie, rub your feet, nothing, baby, that's done. Take 131 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:30,400 Speaker 1: that off the list. That's done. 132 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,160 Speaker 2: He thought he was taking care of my home, so 133 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,319 Speaker 2: I was gone from here, So he was taking care 134 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 2: of the house. But I think it was serving him also, 135 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 2: that's in my head. So I guess it was the 136 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,480 Speaker 2: help that it was here, but it'd be more of 137 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 2: a help if he was there for me. 138 00:09:50,559 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: I mean, how far apart were you? 139 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,080 Speaker 2: Now? It's an hour drive, an. 140 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: An hour drive, So in eighteen months he couldn't drive 141 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: an hour? Is that what you're telling me? He did 142 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: not drive. Did you talk to him? 143 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:15,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, of course, yes, Yeah, we talked in texts and such. Yeah, absolutely, and. 144 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:21,559 Speaker 1: Say, oh, okay, so you came home but he didn't. 145 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I would come here, but. 146 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,040 Speaker 1: Chris, okay, let me. 147 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 2: So I was staying with mom, but I have my 148 00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:31,600 Speaker 2: I have my home here, and so I would come 149 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 2: home maybe two days a week. 150 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: And how was that really? How was the relationship then? 151 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,200 Speaker 2: Well, I'd catch up on sleep. And it's tough because 152 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,440 Speaker 2: I've been with her taking care of her. So I 153 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 2: did the best I could. I cook, I did you know? 154 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:47,679 Speaker 2: I did what I could? 155 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:57,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, beloved, What are you acting like you don't know 156 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 1: as it relates to your relationship? No, no, tell me. 157 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 1: I want I want to hear you. I want to 158 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:08,520 Speaker 1: hear you say what are you acting like you don't know. 159 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 2: That he doesn't really love me? 160 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 1: Well, he may love you, but he's definitely not there 161 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 1: for you, right yeah. I mean, what do you feel 162 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 1: about the fact that in eighteen months, your partner never 163 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,400 Speaker 1: took an hour long drive to come and support you, 164 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 1: to see your mother, to like I said, give you 165 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: a cookie, buy you a flower, rub your feet, take 166 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: the trash out, walk the dog, something. 167 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 2: Exactly, and do your family doesn't like me, so I didn't. 168 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,000 Speaker 2: I don't want to show up there. He just told 169 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,160 Speaker 2: me that a day ago. I didn't know told a 170 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 2: day ago. But why he never showed up? Honestly funny 171 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,080 Speaker 2: that you're saying that right now, because he just told 172 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 2: me that I didn't feel, uh, you know, I'd be 173 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960 Speaker 2: welcome there, that your mom liked me. I said, my 174 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:07,920 Speaker 2: mom liked you? That wasn't I mean, my god, you well, 175 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:11,240 Speaker 2: she was dying. I mean it was it was not 176 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 2: a time for who liked to. 177 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,960 Speaker 1: But he wasn't coming to see your mom. He was 178 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:22,080 Speaker 1: coming to support you. It was coming to cradle your 179 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:26,559 Speaker 1: heart that was breaking because you were losing your mom. 180 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 1: That's what he was coming to do. And if he 181 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 1: didn't think of that, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, 182 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,000 Speaker 1: I do know what to tell you, but you already know. 183 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,320 Speaker 1: So let me not beat a dead horse. 184 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,960 Speaker 2: You're going right to my heart with this one. 185 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,360 Speaker 1: Okay, we'll talk more about it when we come back. 186 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 1: Welcome back. I am yan learing. This is the r 187 00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:01,160 Speaker 1: spot in the process of grief. There are things that 188 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,000 Speaker 1: you have to have on your plate and things that 189 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 1: you definitely don't need on your plate. You don't need 190 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: this on your plate in the midst of grieving the 191 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:15,680 Speaker 1: loss of your mother. Your heart is shattered. Your heart 192 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 1: is shattered, I mean your emotional energy. So trying to 193 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: fix him or this in the midst of your heart 194 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,960 Speaker 1: being shattered probably is not going to turn out well 195 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 1: for you, because even though you're probably weak from grief, 196 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: there's a part of you that probably wants to punch 197 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 1: him in the eye. Would that be accurate, right in 198 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: the left eye with a closed fists, you know, not 199 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: to hurt him, and I mean that, you know, really, 200 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,640 Speaker 1: I don't mean that as physical, but just right in 201 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:59,319 Speaker 1: the eye. And then he wants to lead. Yeah, you don't. 202 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 2: Need that right now, and he left, Okay. 203 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:08,760 Speaker 1: Good bye. Change the locks that's life. You know. People 204 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 1: come into your life for a reason or season or lifetime. 205 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 1: You and him don't have children. Is that accurate? 206 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 2: No? Yeah, okay, And. 207 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: Maybe the season for that relationship is done. Maybe the 208 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,560 Speaker 1: season is over. Whatever he was there to do, he's 209 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: already done. But clearly, my love, he has shown you 210 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 1: aside of him. What if you were sick and had 211 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,360 Speaker 1: to go an hour away for treatment. 212 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,040 Speaker 2: Maybe he wouldn't even reason. 213 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: But I would really encourage you just to get that 214 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,440 Speaker 1: off of your heart. And it's a distraction. It's a 215 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 1: distraction from you going through the grieving process of losing 216 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: your mom. It's a distraction trying to wonder out. Listen, 217 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:04,520 Speaker 1: haven't call me. I got something for him. You can't 218 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 1: talk to him. I'll talk to him, Okay, just saying 219 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: I'm just saying, you know, don't act like you don't 220 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,040 Speaker 1: know what this is and don't lean on him. 221 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,000 Speaker 2: M hm oh, okay. 222 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: Go ahead, go ahead say it, say it. 223 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:25,640 Speaker 2: Oh. I was just gonna say the part of me 224 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 2: like even going to everything with my mom on hospice. 225 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 2: I'm a healer. That's what I do. I will, you know, 226 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 2: at a prominent hospital. I'm a healer. I that's my nature. 227 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 2: And so to not do that for someone, even like 228 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 2: whether it's her, whether it's him, whether anyone, it's hard 229 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 2: for me. So I have to sometimes look at that 230 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 2: because is it serving me? I don't know, because I 231 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 2: always look on who over here I can help? And 232 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 2: even with Mom when she's on, they're like telling me 233 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 2: you can't, there's nothing, you can't do anything. But it's 234 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,800 Speaker 2: so difficult for me. I guess the acceptance piece of 235 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:09,640 Speaker 2: it is. 236 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, Well you can't get to the acceptance until 237 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 1: you walk through the awareness. So what are you aware 238 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 1: of as it relates to your partner at this time? 239 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,720 Speaker 1: You don't have to do anything about it, but you 240 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 1: just have to let yourself be aware. What are you 241 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: aware of about you? 242 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:33,120 Speaker 2: See? 243 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:36,400 Speaker 1: Let me put it to you this way. People show 244 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:40,360 Speaker 1: you how they love who they are, well, how they 245 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,320 Speaker 1: love not only who they are, but how they love You. 246 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,360 Speaker 1: Were in a four year relationship with this man and 247 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: he's showing you how he loves. I guarantee you some 248 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: of these signs were there before your mom got sick, 249 00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,240 Speaker 1: but because you're in the routine, you maybe don't see it. 250 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,520 Speaker 1: So people show you how they mm hmmm mm hmm. 251 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 1: And then you have a loving, caregiving heart. So he 252 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 1: has shown you how he loves in crisis, which in 253 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,679 Speaker 1: a relationship, they're going to be crisis, they're going to 254 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: be difficult times. He has shown you how he loves 255 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:26,240 Speaker 1: in crisis. So here's the question. We don't make him wrong, 256 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 1: even though we want to punch him in the eye. 257 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 1: We don't make him wrong. We don't blame him, we 258 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: don't beat him down. But we look at what we 259 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,879 Speaker 1: saw and we say, do I want to participate in 260 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:45,120 Speaker 1: the way he loves? So what has he shown you 261 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 1: about the way he loves? What has he shown you? 262 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,520 Speaker 2: I would have to say I don't want. 263 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:55,640 Speaker 1: Him, you don't I want more? Okay, but what has 264 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,600 Speaker 1: he shown you? Let's get to the awareness, yeah, about 265 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 1: the way he loves you. 266 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 2: And he's absent, so he's more thinking about how it 267 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,919 Speaker 2: will unpacked him. He might feel not feel comfortable to 268 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,399 Speaker 2: go to Moms, so he won't go to moms, or 269 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:23,520 Speaker 2: if I come home and I'm upset, or what I've 270 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,320 Speaker 2: just gone through with moms. Even when she passed, he 271 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:32,439 Speaker 2: can't really be there to embrace me or hold me 272 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 2: or do the things that I would want her need mhm. 273 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 2: That that's my observation and and my awareness. And yet 274 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,520 Speaker 2: I do see him to be a good person in 275 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 2: the world. But as far as in the manner of 276 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 2: how he is with me, I feel that's not loving. 277 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,320 Speaker 2: It's more distance. 278 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:15,920 Speaker 1: Okay, well, absolutely distance an hour Okay. Yeah, So we're 279 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:20,800 Speaker 1: talking about how he loves in crisis, and what we 280 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:25,880 Speaker 1: are aware of is that he's absent at times of crisis. Yes, 281 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 1: that he puts his needs first in times of crisis, 282 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,119 Speaker 1: that he's not willing to be uncomfortable in times of crisis, 283 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:39,080 Speaker 1: that he doesn't show up for you in times of crisis, 284 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:45,200 Speaker 1: and he doesn't love you in times of crisis. So 285 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:49,640 Speaker 1: you're talking about a relationship with his boundary crisis of 286 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 1: some kind, challenges issues in life, in life, and this 287 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:59,399 Speaker 1: is how he loves in times of crisis. Doesn't mean 288 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,480 Speaker 1: he's not a good person, doesn't mean you know, he 289 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,479 Speaker 1: kicks dogs and scares old ladies. But do you want 290 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:11,880 Speaker 1: to be in relationship with someone who's not there, who's absent, 291 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 1: who doesn't want to be uncomfortable, who puts his needs 292 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,160 Speaker 1: first when you need them the most? Is that how 293 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 1: you want to love. 294 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:25,440 Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, I don't because that's not who I am. 295 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,360 Speaker 2: So it's very uncomfortable for me. But I'm also scared, 296 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 2: so I'm of like, I panic if he goes, he 297 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,560 Speaker 2: take his things, like he packed up, I'm left and 298 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:42,040 Speaker 2: I'm already sad about mom, and I go into panic. 299 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: That No, no, you don't go into panic. You don't 300 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: go into panic. I'm sorry. That is not panic. He 301 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: packed up and left in the midst of your need, 302 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: and you probably go into uh ab rage, you know, 303 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 1: But because you is shattered, it feels like panic. What 304 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: are you panicking about? He packed up and left because 305 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: I'll be alone? Well you are You've been alone. Hello, 306 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:15,119 Speaker 1: you've been alone. 307 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 2: There's the awareness, right, isn't that the awareness? I guess 308 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 2: forgetting to the awareness I am alone? You've been awareness? 309 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:29,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know. Stop telling yourself stories about him. 310 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,160 Speaker 2: I just pretend I'm not right. Yeah, I pretend I'm 311 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 2: not low. 312 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,400 Speaker 1: What are you acting like you don't know? I'm acting 313 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:41,919 Speaker 1: like I don't know. He hasn't been there. Yeah, he 314 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:46,120 Speaker 1: hasn't been there. I'm acting like I don't know. I'm alone. 315 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,080 Speaker 1: I'm acting like I don't know. This person is showing 316 00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: me that they cannot, will not, or choose not to 317 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 1: be there for me when I need it. You acting 318 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 1: like you don't know that. 319 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,679 Speaker 2: I am and I have been, And when I was 320 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,119 Speaker 2: busy it didn't matter. But I'm not busy anymore. So 321 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,880 Speaker 2: my mind's overworking and the mind calling hit. I'm sorry, 322 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,080 Speaker 2: dinner and. 323 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,639 Speaker 1: Your mind is your mind is all No, I'm glad 324 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,960 Speaker 1: it's dumping out. We're just stepping on each other. But 325 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,840 Speaker 1: that's okay. I'm right here with you. You're not alone 326 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:24,520 Speaker 1: in this moment. Yeah, And I don't want you to 327 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:29,800 Speaker 1: think that this is something unusual. This is very usual. 328 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:35,840 Speaker 1: It's probably easier to distract yourself with booboo acting like 329 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: a fool than it is to deal with the grief 330 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,159 Speaker 1: and the heartbreak of your mother's. Yeah, it's a distraction. 331 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,400 Speaker 2: Yeah and my mom. 332 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:50,280 Speaker 1: So I say, let him pack. Is he gone? 333 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,119 Speaker 2: No, he brought us stuff back, but it's still in 334 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 2: the garage, like right by the door, with the intention 335 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 2: he might go any minute. You know, see how I am. 336 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:05,239 Speaker 1: That's violence. That is violence. That is violence here, that 337 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:10,480 Speaker 1: is violence, that's emotional violence. Why don't you invite him 338 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 1: to take his stuff out your garage and go on 339 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,520 Speaker 1: about his business. Just invite him to do that, because 340 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:22,040 Speaker 1: it's a distraction and you're avoiding what's really going on, 341 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:27,400 Speaker 1: which is the heartbreak, which is a heartbreak. And that's 342 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,399 Speaker 1: why I say, instead of dealing with that as a 343 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: separate issue, put him in the basket which with mom 344 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:37,199 Speaker 1: and both of them are gone. Yeah, yeah, because this 345 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,000 Speaker 1: is a head trip. Does that make sense to you? 346 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,280 Speaker 2: It does. I'm feeling it right now. 347 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:49,439 Speaker 1: You're acting like you don't know, and Daniel and you 348 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: do know. And the way he's doing this is it's violent. 349 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 1: He's withholding love, he's withdrawing. And again, this doesn't make 350 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,480 Speaker 1: it I'm a bad person. He's just showing you how 351 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:09,399 Speaker 1: he loves and you get to choose if this is 352 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 1: how you want to be loved. 353 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 2: Mhm wow. Yeah, I've been pretending not enough. That's that's 354 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 2: amazing what you just said. 355 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,879 Speaker 1: Join the club. We do it all the time because 356 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,679 Speaker 1: sometimes it's easier to hang on than it is to 357 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:34,040 Speaker 1: say bye. Yeah, and your your mind is telling you see, 358 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:38,240 Speaker 1: because what could happen is you could start leaning into 359 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,119 Speaker 1: him for the support. He may or may not respond yes, 360 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: And then as you grieve your mom and you get 361 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,520 Speaker 1: deeper and deeper into dependency on him. Can you trust 362 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: that he's not going pack at any moment? Yeah, yeah, 363 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,840 Speaker 1: I don't think you only have one alternative. Put him 364 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,800 Speaker 1: in the basket with mom and just grieve them both 365 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:07,720 Speaker 1: at the same time. 366 00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:09,359 Speaker 2: Yeah. 367 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:17,240 Speaker 1: Now, in terms of your siblings, those are important relationships. 368 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:24,000 Speaker 1: Why are they not around? Boy? You you really created, 369 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:28,720 Speaker 1: you really created a wonderful healing opportunity for yourself, didn't you. 370 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:37,159 Speaker 1: You said, I know, I was there like every minute 371 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 1: with her. 372 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 2: And then at the end, well, one brother came from 373 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,880 Speaker 2: New York and the state, but then he got COVID, 374 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,280 Speaker 2: so I couldn't go there for ten days. Well that 375 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:51,240 Speaker 2: was pivotal because it's right before she passed away. I 376 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,879 Speaker 2: was with her, cooking for living with her until the 377 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,800 Speaker 2: hot and there was days I couldn't go. And then 378 00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 2: she went into that state work in life, there's own 379 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,920 Speaker 2: but in and out of world, and it was really difficult. 380 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 2: She didn't want to let go, and I've witnessed that, 381 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 2: but this was difficult in her not letting go. So 382 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,320 Speaker 2: the siblings are all around, and they had different ways 383 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 2: of how to do it, And I don't know if 384 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,200 Speaker 2: I should even go into that, but just with different 385 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,760 Speaker 2: meds to give and just a lot of control. And 386 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,760 Speaker 2: I knew what she wanted, but it wasn't respected. So 387 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:34,119 Speaker 2: at the end we're not no one's talking. I'm the 388 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,440 Speaker 2: oldest of five and none of us are talking, and 389 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:41,639 Speaker 2: so by who I am, I do reach out, but 390 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,719 Speaker 2: I haven't heard from anyone. 391 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 1: And well, they're grieving. They're grieving, and everybody grieves differently, 392 00:26:51,960 --> 00:27:02,240 Speaker 1: and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome 393 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,240 Speaker 1: back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 394 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 1: People handle grief the way they handle grief, and because 395 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:19,080 Speaker 1: you're the oldest, you know, Unfortunately, the how can I say, 396 00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:23,880 Speaker 1: the blessing, the learning, the wisdom is flowing down, it's 397 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:28,000 Speaker 1: not flowing up. So even in the midst of your grief, 398 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:34,879 Speaker 1: you have to you have to set the example. And 399 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 1: it could be as simple as, you know, a text 400 00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: to something. We're all grieving. I'm praying for us all 401 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:48,120 Speaker 1: the day will come when we can all come together 402 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:53,880 Speaker 1: and honor her. You know, I know we're all grieving. 403 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,000 Speaker 1: I want you to know I'm thinking about you. You 404 00:27:57,119 --> 00:27:59,640 Speaker 1: have to take the high ground because you're the elder. 405 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,080 Speaker 2: Her sister when one of them as executor. And so 406 00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:06,679 Speaker 2: she came in real strong and took over. And I 407 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,720 Speaker 2: guess that's where kind of things went away. 408 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:14,800 Speaker 1: And what does that mean? She took over, took over? 409 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:15,680 Speaker 1: What does that mean? 410 00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:20,639 Speaker 2: We took over of how we're going to handle things. 411 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:24,240 Speaker 2: And Mom didn't want morphing, but she started giving her. 412 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,960 Speaker 1: Morphine because she didn't want her mother to hurt. She 413 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,359 Speaker 1: didn't want her mother to hurt. And she didn't do 414 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,240 Speaker 1: that for you, Mom. She did that because she. 415 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:37,880 Speaker 2: Couldn't herself be right, she couldn't bear right. 416 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 1: That's how people grieve. Let's let's not hold her guilty 417 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:41,280 Speaker 1: of that. 418 00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:44,880 Speaker 2: No, I'm not. It was mean at the end, I'm 419 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:55,120 Speaker 2: telling you, yeah, I'm not holding her guilty. But she 420 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,000 Speaker 2: she turned mean and started yelling about it, you know, 421 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 2: and it just it was good at the end. 422 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 1: And that's because all of you, all of you were crazy. 423 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:11,000 Speaker 1: We're talking about your heart shattering into a million pieces. 424 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:15,960 Speaker 1: So nobody is. And if they're not, you say you're 425 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 1: a healer or you do healing work, and you and 426 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:22,520 Speaker 1: you walk people through healing process, which means to make whole. 427 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,760 Speaker 1: To heal means to make hole. So you are in 428 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 1: you know, you have experience and the consciousness of what 429 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,040 Speaker 1: it takes to make people whole. I don't know what 430 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 1: they do, but they probably didn't even realize they were 431 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,440 Speaker 1: shattered into a million pieces. 432 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 2: Yeah hopefully, Yeah, yeah, and yeah I know she Cofee 433 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 2: did it. Yeah, my sister did that. And then they 434 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:54,000 Speaker 2: were praying in there, and then I was going to 435 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:57,880 Speaker 2: play this little song and you know, it's very beautiful, 436 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 2: and then they're coming no months of life music and 437 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,480 Speaker 2: then just leave the room. It was just all that, 438 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:08,760 Speaker 2: And so maybe what you're saying is too everyone's going 439 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,959 Speaker 2: through their own thing. But I felt like I was 440 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:15,360 Speaker 2: there with her and I was to me. I feel 441 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:19,000 Speaker 2: like I was thrown away at the end. And then yeah, 442 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 2: I you know, and then I I just feel alone. Tomorrow, Well, 443 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:31,680 Speaker 2: senday to my brother's birthday. That the brothers lived in 444 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,760 Speaker 2: New York. So I did send a card. I have 445 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 2: sent a I have reached out in that manner, but 446 00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 2: not to push myself on anyone, just to get touchdowns 447 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,960 Speaker 2: kind of a thing. But it doesn't you know, it 448 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 2: all doesn't feel good. 449 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:51,720 Speaker 1: It just yeah, but it's the same thing. They were absent. 450 00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,640 Speaker 1: They put their needs first, they were not willing to 451 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, and they don't know how to love you. 452 00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: And you need it same thing your boyfriend did. You're 453 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,520 Speaker 1: just getting it from five different directions. Yeah, same exact thing. 454 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 2: That's the same thing. That's the same thing. 455 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:17,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, And this is not the time to 456 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 1: talk about it. 457 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 2: It is that I feel. 458 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:23,680 Speaker 1: That all you can do. They have shown you how 459 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,280 Speaker 1: they love you, and you get to choose whether or 460 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 1: not you want to participate in the way they are 461 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 1: loving you. And the way they are loving you now 462 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,600 Speaker 1: is who knows if they have guilt, if they have shame, 463 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:41,280 Speaker 1: if they have anger. You know, everybody's going to blame somebody. 464 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,160 Speaker 1: We don't know what's going on because they're not talking. 465 00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: Give it some breathing space, give it some room, you know, 466 00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 1: do what feels right in your heart, with no expectation 467 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 1: of how they will respond. I guarantee you the key 468 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:00,960 Speaker 1: at the hole at the top of the key is 469 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:05,000 Speaker 1: guilt because they weren't there, and maybe they thought she 470 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,640 Speaker 1: didn't want them there. Maybe they thought you didn't want 471 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,800 Speaker 1: them there. Maybe they couldn't bear to see it. If 472 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,760 Speaker 1: you set yourself up as the healer and the elder, 473 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:16,120 Speaker 1: and you're going to handle it. Maybe they didn't feel 474 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,240 Speaker 1: there was room for them. Who knows. You know, grief 475 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:23,000 Speaker 1: makes people crazy. But we're not even talking ninety days. 476 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 1: This is an open, festering wound. 477 00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:29,320 Speaker 2: Okay, thank you for talking to me. 478 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: And oh my god, how do you deal with an 479 00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 1: open festering wound. You don't keep poking your finger in it. 480 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,479 Speaker 1: You don't, you know, you don't say, oh my god, 481 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,200 Speaker 1: this is open, it's festering. You know, it's bleeding, it's oozing. 482 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,360 Speaker 1: You don't say that. You put a band aid on it. 483 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:53,360 Speaker 1: You change the bandage when it gets crazy or when 484 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:56,320 Speaker 1: it gets messy, and you leave it to hear it and. 485 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 2: Don't do like any rash things like go find a 486 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:05,880 Speaker 2: new job, or do this or that right now. Just 487 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,600 Speaker 2: kind of take it easy. 488 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,640 Speaker 1: I would say, take it easy if you can afford 489 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,280 Speaker 1: to be still, be still. I mean, if you've got 490 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: to go to work, to you, yeah, if you've got 491 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,280 Speaker 1: to go to work, you know, eat popcorn, eat chocolate, 492 00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:24,880 Speaker 1: watch watch Law and Order. Law and Order will heal anything. 493 00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:32,840 Speaker 1: The original Lord Order will heal you. I don't care what. 494 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:36,560 Speaker 1: That's my prescription for everything. You got a problem. Go 495 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 1: watch law in order. Let Jack McCoy fix it for you. Okay, okay, oh, 496 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:48,960 Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself, beloved, give yourself at least two 497 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:52,880 Speaker 1: months and then start thinking about what you want to 498 00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:55,880 Speaker 1: do and everything right now. 499 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,680 Speaker 2: Make it a decision here with him, like do I 500 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 2: put that or just allow it to be what it 501 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 2: is right now? 502 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 1: What do you well? You know what, in the time 503 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:11,160 Speaker 1: when I'm hurting, my heart is shattered and oozing, I 504 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:13,719 Speaker 1: don't want somebody sitting around looking at me like I'm 505 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:19,480 Speaker 1: a turn up getting ready to sprout something. Why is 506 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:24,400 Speaker 1: he there? I know I would ask him, why are 507 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:24,799 Speaker 1: you here? 508 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:26,319 Speaker 2: Just ask him? 509 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:30,920 Speaker 1: See what he says. Why are you here? You've shown 510 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 1: me that you don't want to be uncomfortable. You've shown 511 00:34:34,239 --> 00:34:36,680 Speaker 1: me that in the midst of my crisis, this is 512 00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:39,480 Speaker 1: too much for you to handle. You have made absolutely 513 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:43,399 Speaker 1: no effort to nurture, to comfort, to support me. Why 514 00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:47,879 Speaker 1: are you here now? Don't ask him if you don't 515 00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:52,399 Speaker 1: want to hear the answer. Yeah, and here's something else 516 00:34:52,480 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: you want to ask him, just you know, for giggles, 517 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:02,400 Speaker 1: just for fun and giggles. Okay, your mother was sick 518 00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:08,640 Speaker 1: and you chose or decided or were called to come 519 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:13,120 Speaker 1: and care for her. How would it make you feel 520 00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:17,120 Speaker 1: if for eighteen months I never came to visit you, 521 00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:20,920 Speaker 1: I never sent you a card, I never came to 522 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,719 Speaker 1: just lay your head on my shoulder to comfort you 523 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 1: that I never made a move to support you, not 524 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:32,879 Speaker 1: your mom, but I never made How would that make 525 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:38,319 Speaker 1: you feel? Yeah? Good? Just ask him, well, let me 526 00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:41,200 Speaker 1: tell you how it made me feel. See what he says, 527 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: and then share with him, and then ask him why 528 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 1: are you here? But you get to choose because now 529 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,560 Speaker 1: you have an awareness of how he loves and you 530 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,480 Speaker 1: get to choose if you want to participate in the 531 00:35:56,520 --> 00:36:02,080 Speaker 1: way he loves you. During Christ you get to choose. 532 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,680 Speaker 2: Your blessing. Thank you. So. 533 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:13,520 Speaker 1: In terms of your siblings, those are lifetime and important relationships. 534 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:16,799 Speaker 1: Give it some time, reach out when it feels right. 535 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:20,400 Speaker 1: Don't try very hard not to make them wrong and 536 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,759 Speaker 1: make you right. You don't have to recount everything that 537 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,920 Speaker 1: happened because they're grieving. You are the elder, You are 538 00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,400 Speaker 1: the healer. You know, once some time is passed, maybe 539 00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:36,880 Speaker 1: issue an invitation for you all to come together and 540 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:40,120 Speaker 1: you know, celebrate mom or talk about. 541 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, something like that. Yeah. 542 00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:46,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know you don't have to do that now. Yeah, 543 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:52,040 Speaker 1: because they're grieving. And it's what it says to me 544 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:57,920 Speaker 1: is there were fractures in these relationships before mom got sick. Yeah, 545 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:03,360 Speaker 1: because when there's a crisis, it tells you how people 546 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,920 Speaker 1: respond and react. Showed you the condition of the relationship 547 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:09,440 Speaker 1: prior to the crisis. 548 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:13,399 Speaker 2: See, I didn't even know. I didn't even know. Oh yeah, 549 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:14,799 Speaker 2: there's a huge awareness there. 550 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,759 Speaker 1: Well, we got to really work on your awareness because 551 00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:23,440 Speaker 1: you seem not to know nothing that's right in your face. 552 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,759 Speaker 2: Okay, all right, and ask mister. 553 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:30,400 Speaker 1: Boo Boo the fool, Ask Boo Boo the fool, why 554 00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:34,399 Speaker 1: is it? Why are you here? Why are you here? 555 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,359 Speaker 1: Please forgive me for talking about your partner, but I 556 00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:38,279 Speaker 1: just know. 557 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 2: I don't it's so appropriate. 558 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:46,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, Oh, take care of yourself. Get you some 559 00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:50,720 Speaker 1: lavender oil and get in the bathtub, because lavender oil 560 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:55,600 Speaker 1: clears energy, and you want your physical body to be 561 00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:59,040 Speaker 1: able to hold the emotional energy that you have. 562 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:06,879 Speaker 2: Right now, Okay, thank you, this is wonderful. 563 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:14,840 Speaker 1: All right, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay, okay, alrighty, okay, bye. 564 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:15,879 Speaker 2: Bye, Thank you, love. 565 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:25,680 Speaker 1: You, bye. Grief makes people act crazy. It's just that plain. 566 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:29,360 Speaker 1: It's just that simple. And like I told my caller, 567 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:36,160 Speaker 1: each situation is different, and in each situation, a conversation 568 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:40,320 Speaker 1: needs to happen at the appropriate time because we're really 569 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:45,320 Speaker 1: dealing with the same issue, and that's being abandoned during 570 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:50,359 Speaker 1: our time of need. But we're dealing with it from 571 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:55,319 Speaker 1: two separate fronts, if you will. One front is we're 572 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,960 Speaker 1: dealing with it from a family member who's also grieving, 573 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:04,000 Speaker 1: but the other from a partner who has left my 574 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:10,440 Speaker 1: caller high and dry. Woo agree. I'm not here to 575 00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:14,839 Speaker 1: tell anybody what they should or should not do. But 576 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,520 Speaker 1: if it were me in that situation, and my supposed 577 00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:24,319 Speaker 1: partner didn't want to see or call or support me 578 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:34,399 Speaker 1: for that long in this case, boy bye. But that's 579 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:38,600 Speaker 1: why it is so easy to know the truth about 580 00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:43,160 Speaker 1: a relationship. And the only way you really know is 581 00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:47,040 Speaker 1: when the stuff hits the fan. It's the ultimate test 582 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:50,359 Speaker 1: to see how people will treat you, what they do 583 00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:54,200 Speaker 1: when they are uncomfortable, or if they will show up 584 00:39:54,239 --> 00:40:01,080 Speaker 1: for you when it really counts. Regardless of what they do, 585 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:08,040 Speaker 1: you must do what feels right in your heart. Regardless 586 00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:12,240 Speaker 1: of how anybody likes it or how they respond, vote 587 00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:15,919 Speaker 1: for what's right for you. I hope this has been 588 00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:19,200 Speaker 1: helpful to someone, and if you have a question about 589 00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:23,080 Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me 590 00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:27,319 Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 591 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,920 Speaker 1: sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on social 592 00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:33,560 Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times, and until then, 593 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:42,920 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is 594 00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:48,239 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For 595 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:54,200 Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 596 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.