Speaker 1: Hey, what's up, good people. Our kids are lucky to
Speaker 1: grow up in the error of the Internet, where information
Speaker 1: is available right at their fingertips. But sometimes the Internet
Speaker 1: and even in school curriculums leave our kids with more questions,
Speaker 1: and they look to us for the answers. The Ellis
Speaker 1: Is and the Time Machine is a book for kids
Speaker 1: and adults that answers the questions our kids have been
Speaker 1: asking all year. Why do we say Black Lives Matter?
Speaker 1: We answer this question while looking back in American history
Speaker 1: through the eyes of our young black children. Get your
Speaker 1: kids a copy of The Ellises and the Time Machine
Speaker 1: Why Do We Say Black Lives Matter? Available now at
Speaker 1: Amazon dot com. Hey, we're the Ellises. You may know
Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading
Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll
Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. And a more important
Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead
Speaker 1: ads to the term that we say every day. So
Speaker 1: when we say dead ass. We're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about
Speaker 1: to take pillow toof to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. So on this this story time
Speaker 1: is a very important to me because this story time
Speaker 1: we'll bring everybody to the point in my life when
Speaker 1: I realized that my blackness mattered to me and to
Speaker 1: everybody else. I remember walking into the living room when
Speaker 1: I was seventy eight years old. My parents were sitting
Speaker 1: in look on the couch where they typically are, but
Speaker 1: my mom looked a little bit more pensive, you know
Speaker 1: when your parents typically on the couch and you're like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if they fight in the man he's
Speaker 1: my way in there. So I walk in there and
Speaker 1: it seems a little tense and I'm like, I don't
Speaker 1: know if I don't understand. But I see my mom
Speaker 1: doing the church rock, you know, you do the church rock,
Speaker 1: So I'm like, what's she looking at. I look on
Speaker 1: on TV and I see the video plane was a
Speaker 1: grainy video of a man just being beaten with with
Speaker 1: sticks and rods, and I was like, yo, who are
Speaker 1: they beating like that? And my mom was just like,
Speaker 1: you know, we're not sure yet. And I said, well,
Speaker 1: who you know who's beating that man like that? And
Speaker 1: he's like, it's the police. So I was like, yeo,
Speaker 1: they're gonna get in trouble. Like they're on camera beating
Speaker 1: somebody like this, They're gonna get in trouble. And I've
Speaker 1: seen the uncertainty in my mom's eyes when I said that,
Speaker 1: and she, you know, she kind of gave me the
Speaker 1: and then she was just like, you know, hopefully fast forward,
Speaker 1: you know, months later, Um, we're watching the news and
Speaker 1: my mom is real pensive. Again. Of course I'm not
Speaker 1: old enough to understand what's going on, but I see
Speaker 1: her this time. She's pensive, her eyes are little watery.
Speaker 1: She's talking to my father, my father's you know, I
Speaker 1: can't believe this. I can't believe this. They start calling
Speaker 1: my aunt to my uncles and I can't remember hearing
Speaker 1: them saying that, can you believe they got off? And
Speaker 1: I was like, what how? And it was at that
Speaker 1: point that my mom had to explain to me what
Speaker 1: the situation was in America with black people and the police.
Speaker 1: And it was at that point where she started talking
Speaker 1: to me about everything had trans that had transpired prior
Speaker 1: to where we are now, and I remember feeling mad.
Speaker 1: I remember feeling like I couldn't trust white people, and
Speaker 1: then I remember being hurt that someone would consider me
Speaker 1: less than because of the color of my skin. And
Speaker 1: it was at that point that I realized what my
Speaker 1: blackness was in America. So when I think about your
Speaker 1: story time and the feelings that you felt, it feels
Speaker 1: as though a piece of innocence is taken from you,
Speaker 1: after you're robbed of a certain care free living that
Speaker 1: you once had. And to think that we have to
Speaker 1: have these conversations with our children at eight and nine
Speaker 1: years old or is whatever age you feel like they
Speaker 1: can comprehend it, it was something that was heartbreaking just
Speaker 1: for us. So Deval and I did plan to have
Speaker 1: the conversation with the boys um at the time, it
Speaker 1: was just all parents plan on having that cover having
Speaker 1: the conversation exactly, And I remember the two of us
Speaker 1: being very like teary eyed about having to even do
Speaker 1: that and wondering when the right time was going to be.
Speaker 1: So considering everything, I felt like our hand was forced,
Speaker 1: and it came down to Devol sitting the boys down.
Speaker 1: Of course, with me um and having the talk. So
Speaker 1: what was going through your mind like leading onto those moments.
Speaker 1: I mean to be honest, it caught me off guard
Speaker 1: because first, as a parent, I'm trying to process it.
Speaker 1: You know, we had I'm on all get shot in
Speaker 1: broad Daylight's gunned down, Then we had the Brianna Taylor's
Speaker 1: story come out. Then we watched George Floyd be murdered
Speaker 1: at the hands of a cop. So if my first
Speaker 1: thing is I'm just I'm fucking pissed, I don't I
Speaker 1: don't want to have to sit down and compartmentalize taking
Speaker 1: this anger, putting it aside so I can then speak
Speaker 1: to my child. What made me even more angry was
Speaker 1: that my eight year old is now asking me questions
Speaker 1: about why everyone is so angry, you know, why did
Speaker 1: the cop do that? And I'm like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: now I have to try to explain to him what
Speaker 1: is going on. And it kind of reminded me of
Speaker 1: when I had to explain to him about Santa Claus.
Speaker 1: You know, this is when your parents there's a certain
Speaker 1: level of innocence you try to protect because you don't
Speaker 1: want to tell your your kids the truth. And then
Speaker 1: once the innocence is going, you see them like lose hope,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: we had to Santa Claus talk. You know, he cried
Speaker 1: about that. That was hot breaking, you know, regardless of
Speaker 1: how you feel about Santa Claus or religions, it was
Speaker 1: a way for them to be happy. That's all I
Speaker 1: cared about, you know. So now he's asking me questions
Speaker 1: and I'm explaining to him the way my mom explained
Speaker 1: it to me. We started with history, we went we
Speaker 1: went back to slavery, and then from slavery, we went
Speaker 1: to the Civil War, and the Civil War, we went
Speaker 1: to Jim Crow and and I went through the whole gamut. See,
Speaker 1: not to cut you off, but I think it was
Speaker 1: super important that we take the approach as parents to
Speaker 1: bring the historical, factual information behind it when approaching this
Speaker 1: to talk about it's not just based off of feelings
Speaker 1: or just oh I just don't like you because of
Speaker 1: your skin color, like, there are systems in place that
Speaker 1: will keep us down, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: us as parents realized that it was important for us
Speaker 1: to do that, to make it about facts and about history.
Speaker 1: So the children know that this is not just something
Speaker 1: that's going off of emotion. And I remember, you know,
Speaker 1: the way we teach our kids now is differently than
Speaker 1: our parents told us. Our parents still taught us with
Speaker 1: a way of trying to protect us. But you know,
Speaker 1: my mom. I remember my mom saying to me everything
Speaker 1: that happened in the country happened, you know, since slavery.
Speaker 1: And then she also said there are certain people in
Speaker 1: the world who are just evil. And to hear that
Speaker 1: kind of left things abstract for me, and man had
Speaker 1: me thinking that people just didn't like me because of
Speaker 1: my black this which there are some people who are
Speaker 1: just evil. But what I did differently was I explained
Speaker 1: Jackson through economics and said the reason why they marginalized
Speaker 1: black people from slavery to uh Jim Crow or to
Speaker 1: mass incarceration was to make money. So then it kind
Speaker 1: of gives him a reason as to why things were happening.
Speaker 1: And I saw it like a lightbulb kind of go
Speaker 1: off from wait a minute, so all this has to
Speaker 1: do with money and saying, yes, it's classism, but no,
Speaker 1: one just doesn't like that. They didn't, just God didn't.
Speaker 1: Just because I remember having this this feeling if God
Speaker 1: is real, And I remember being nine years old and saying,
Speaker 1: if God is real, why would he choose my people
Speaker 1: to be oppressed? If God loves us, why would he
Speaker 1: allow us to go through all of this pain? And
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I couldn't reconcile that at nine, So then
Speaker 1: you start to have those feelings of God can't be
Speaker 1: real because God would not allow us as people to
Speaker 1: be tortured here on earth. This kid out of here?
Speaker 1: Where did he come from? I questioned everything and I
Speaker 1: got bub But it all started from that, like, you know,
Speaker 1: having to hear that my people were chosen to be slaves,
Speaker 1: and it was just like why why? You know? And
Speaker 1: then you know, they tell us about the Hebrews being
Speaker 1: slaves and they sent Moses to save them, and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: y'all sent Dr King and they killed him, so like
Speaker 1: so what I mean, we stuck in this like these
Speaker 1: are the things that are happening in my mind until
Speaker 1: I started to educate myself as I got older. And
Speaker 1: I want to approach Jackson with the same type of
Speaker 1: education so he can reconcile within themselves and income to
Speaker 1: terms with the fact that there was a reason why
Speaker 1: things are and it's not just just because I hate,
Speaker 1: because it really isn't just because they hate. And we
Speaker 1: also talked about the context of which our children's experience
Speaker 1: will be with race now that we've moved across country
Speaker 1: from Brooklyn, New York to you know, California. It's just
Speaker 1: it's such a different experience for our children now, UM,
Speaker 1: just based off of the schooling that their their experience
Speaker 1: and differences that that UM Jackson, of course, because he's enrolled.
Speaker 1: He was in the fourth grade now, but um, being
Speaker 1: in a diverse class situation, which he was, he's the
Speaker 1: only black child in his class, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: So there's always the conversation has to be had when
Speaker 1: he's the only one. Of course, because he didn't experience
Speaker 1: that coming from Brooklyn, is school was super diverse. That's
Speaker 1: what Brooklyn is. Where a huge melting pot. We're known
Speaker 1: to be that in New York. So we m actually
Speaker 1: have someone coming on shortly, our guest today, UM, who
Speaker 1: is going to speak with us a little bit more
Speaker 1: about unpacking racism and how we can do that with
Speaker 1: our children. It's hard to educate them and I think
Speaker 1: it's it's an amazing thing for sure, to be able
Speaker 1: to bring somebody in who's kind of like an expert
Speaker 1: on because we have so many people asking questions and
Speaker 1: you know, how did you After we did the conversation
Speaker 1: with Jackson and we decided to record it, and we
Speaker 1: decided to put it on our YouTube channel, and when viral,
Speaker 1: a lot of people were asking about you know, like, wow,
Speaker 1: I can't believe you guys recorded that. And I will
Speaker 1: say I was very apprehensive at for is because I
Speaker 1: do still feel like a lot of things I want
Speaker 1: to keep personal. And I always laugh and joke and
Speaker 1: say that we're the most personal private people, private public
Speaker 1: people because there's a lot of things that we don't share,
Speaker 1: you know, But I think that had to be ship.
Speaker 1: I got a lot of feedback from even some white
Speaker 1: families who were like, I had never in my life
Speaker 1: thought about having to have that conversation with my kids
Speaker 1: and having to see what it did to them was
Speaker 1: eye opening. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, because when
Speaker 1: when in history have we ever really seen a black
Speaker 1: dad having the talk with his sons and you're seeing
Speaker 1: the emotional aspect of them breaking down and crying. Typically
Speaker 1: when they showed the talk. It's like the proud talk.
Speaker 1: This what you have to do when the sun gets
Speaker 1: angry and he walks out and he feels confident that
Speaker 1: he can conquer the world. No, and that should be
Speaker 1: traumatizing you hear that and you're like, what, So I
Speaker 1: could literally just be out minded my business and if
Speaker 1: a cop approaches me and it's having a bad day,
Speaker 1: I could be murdered and nothing may happen. And it's like, yes,
Speaker 1: that's the reality. In America. People will villainize you if
Speaker 1: you're murdered. If you're an unknowned black man and you
Speaker 1: get murdered by a police officer, there is a large
Speaker 1: probability that the media will villainize you, regardless of what
Speaker 1: your history is, to make sure that it seems as
Speaker 1: if it's okay that you will murdered and it's unfair.
Speaker 1: And that's the reality of what we have to tell
Speaker 1: our boys. So here to help us understand why it's
Speaker 1: important to have these conversations with our children and give
Speaker 1: us some tips on what to say, because I think
Speaker 1: that's the biggest issues. What do we say to these
Speaker 1: four babies of ours. We have Amber Coleman mortally, Amber
Speaker 1: how argue I am doing well or as best as
Speaker 1: you can during these times. How are y'all? Absolutely we're
Speaker 1: doing well? Can complain? Amber is the director of Social
Speaker 1: Engagement at a tech nonprofit, is Civics parenting expert and
Speaker 1: a mom of three, and on her blog Mom of
Speaker 1: All Capes, she covers practical strategies for parenting in social
Speaker 1: and sational development, and most recently, Amber has been having
Speaker 1: conversations about how we can acknowledge what's going on around
Speaker 1: us on the podcast that she hosts with her kids,
Speaker 1: Let's K twelve Better. Thank you so much for coming
Speaker 1: back again with this Amber. We had a couple of
Speaker 1: technical difficulties last time, but this was definitely a topic
Speaker 1: and a conversation that I felt was so absolutely necessary
Speaker 1: that I've set to devour on the team. We have
Speaker 1: to have Amber back on. So thank you for the repeat. No,
Speaker 1: thank you, guys. I'm huge fans of y'all, Like I
Speaker 1: think you guys are doing amazing things out here, so
Speaker 1: I'm honored that you guys have asked me back, So
Speaker 1: thank you so very much. Pleasure is all, no doubt, Yes, awesome, awesome.
Speaker 1: So yeah, we've been just talking a little bit about
Speaker 1: you know, UM, the current times racism, how it's been
Speaker 1: affecting our children. UM, what's going on in the country
Speaker 1: right now, because so many of us have children who
Speaker 1: are aware of the fact that something is happening. So UM,
Speaker 1: So Amber, what is the approach that you feel, UM
Speaker 1: parents should be taking when it comes to having the
Speaker 1: conversations about racism with their children. Yeah, So, first and foremost,
Speaker 1: age appropriate honesty, right, UM, you know, you want to
Speaker 1: make sure that you are honest and open with your kids.
Speaker 1: You want to also make sure that you're vulnerable with
Speaker 1: your kids, like it's okay to expose your feelings a
Speaker 1: little bit about you know, how you feel about what's
Speaker 1: going on. UM. You also want to center your identity,
Speaker 1: so you know, black parents centering their identity, non black
Speaker 1: parents of color centering their identity, White parents centering their identity. UM.
Speaker 1: To talk about these issues with our kids to make
Speaker 1: them more real, and then also to ensure that our
Speaker 1: kids are connecting because these are serious, UM concerns that
Speaker 1: all of us have right right, right. So we want
Speaker 1: to make sure that you know, we're not only just
Speaker 1: being vulnerable and touchy feely, but we're also like you know,
Speaker 1: being practical as well. They are kids, so we don't
Speaker 1: want to overwhelm them with too much information, um, but
Speaker 1: we want to give them the space to talk right
Speaker 1: with us in in a in a vulnerable way, you know.
Speaker 1: You know what I've learned in during this time is
Speaker 1: giving people grace to understand because even though my wife
Speaker 1: is black and her parents are but her mom is black,
Speaker 1: her dad is Indian. They come from a different culture.
Speaker 1: So even in trying to get them to understand what
Speaker 1: Black Americans have gone through on this soil, to me,
Speaker 1: there was there was a little bit of gap. And
Speaker 1: we talked about this in culture Clash when they came
Speaker 1: time to have the talk with Jackson, and Kay kind
Speaker 1: of like shut down a little because she was pissed,
Speaker 1: like she just didn't want to talk to anybody about it.
Speaker 1: So I had to give her grace. And knowing that
Speaker 1: my wife is also dealing with the fact that she's watching,
Speaker 1: you know, black men and when we're murdering the street.
Speaker 1: She got a husband and she got kids, So the
Speaker 1: way she wants to discuss it may not be the
Speaker 1: same as the way I want to discuss it. So
Speaker 1: how important is it to give your partner grace when
Speaker 1: trying to find a way to articulate that to your
Speaker 1: kids together, because that's what we went through. We spent
Speaker 1: weeks trying to figure it out before we actually and
Speaker 1: I think it was for me too. I was just
Speaker 1: very I was just of course, very upset, very emotional
Speaker 1: about it, and I know that children can pick up
Speaker 1: on that, so I had to find a way to
Speaker 1: center my emotions so that way, I was in a
Speaker 1: whole basket case because then of course it's going to
Speaker 1: feed off onto the children. They're gonna worry. Like Mom
Speaker 1: seems to be super you know, upset right now. So
Speaker 1: how is it that you know we're going to get
Speaker 1: past this that I felt that was gonna be a
Speaker 1: question Jackson would have for me. I think that that's
Speaker 1: something that especially within the black community, we forget the
Speaker 1: diversity of experiences right within the black community. You know,
Speaker 1: like my kids father, he's from Trinidad and Tobago, so
Speaker 1: same thing, right, Like, he's from mixed race heritage. So
Speaker 1: he's got a lot going on in his head right
Speaker 1: now about this moment and providing your partner grace, but
Speaker 1: also like speaking truth to power, right like you know,
Speaker 1: develout telling to knein right, like, this is how I'm
Speaker 1: viewing this moment right now, and this is why I'm
Speaker 1: experiencing it this way, and you know, laying it out right,
Speaker 1: like having a history lesson together, watching Eyes on the
Speaker 1: Prize together, right, like learning about the Black American experience
Speaker 1: and relearning about about the Black American experience together. It's
Speaker 1: one way that you guys can grow closer because again,
Speaker 1: there's a diversity of experiences. You know, I'm fortunate to
Speaker 1: live in a community where there's seventy two different countries
Speaker 1: represented at my kids school, So I know, like in
Speaker 1: those different homes, like people are having all of these
Speaker 1: different like ways of grappling with what's going on in
Speaker 1: the world, um, very different from my own, right, And
Speaker 1: I have to allow even my friends you know, and
Speaker 1: associates to have that space to process and say, how
Speaker 1: does this impact me personally? Right? How does this impact
Speaker 1: what I already know? Right? How does this challenge what
Speaker 1: I already know right about America and about growing up
Speaker 1: in America and America being this place of great promise, etcetera.
Speaker 1: Right that were here, you know, so you do need
Speaker 1: to have that space in your home and outside of
Speaker 1: your home to give people time to process, and then
Speaker 1: the learning process has to be communal and familiar. So
Speaker 1: so I have a question, right, And this is where
Speaker 1: I struggled. I used to always ask, Kay, every time
Speaker 1: I had a conversation with Jackson, did you think I've
Speaker 1: gone too far? Do you think I've told him too much? Um?
Speaker 1: And I'll be a d honest as a black man.
Speaker 1: I'm not afraid of making my son cry, like this
Speaker 1: is gonna go this is gonna sound crazy. But I
Speaker 1: was talking to Katie other day. Jackson can't go to
Speaker 1: martial arts, he can't go to jiu jitsu because of COVID.
Speaker 1: So now I have to manufacture adversity. Right. So we've
Speaker 1: been doing pull ups, push ups and squats. Right, so
Speaker 1: we have this thing where is cold? Get me too?
Speaker 1: Where you know he punched me in his stomach twice.
Speaker 1: I punched him in his stomach twice, so he's actually
Speaker 1: getting big and strong. So the two times I punched
Speaker 1: him in his stomach, he don't even flinch. So I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna hit him and see if he can take it.
Speaker 1: So I hit him boom, and he crumbled over. But
Speaker 1: then he got up and I was like, you better
Speaker 1: not cry. Write something like you better not cry. So
Speaker 1: he didn't cry. I said, you gotta learn how to
Speaker 1: suck it up and compartmentalize when you have people around.
Speaker 1: So I said, so now you know you got it together? Saidyea,
Speaker 1: got together. So I said, come with me. We went
Speaker 1: to my bedroom. I said, do you want to let
Speaker 1: it out? Do you want to let the cry out?
Speaker 1: So he's just like, yes, I do. So finally he
Speaker 1: breaks down to my arms. He cries, right, and I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: it's good for you to be able to cry in
Speaker 1: a safe space wards me and you, but you, as
Speaker 1: a black man, do not have the liberty to be
Speaker 1: emotional and reactionary in the world. And then I'm done
Speaker 1: with all of that and I go and I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: do you think I went too far? How do you
Speaker 1: know when you're going too far? Like I don't know,
Speaker 1: you don't, You don't know untill they're grown out of
Speaker 1: your house, and like sitting on somebody so fucking and
Speaker 1: like counseling, Like like I look at my daughters every
Speaker 1: day and I'm like, mommy is just doing the best
Speaker 1: she can, you know, right, like Mommy's got her own
Speaker 1: issues and baggage too, right, Right, I would say this
Speaker 1: like as far like you know, kudo se y'all raising
Speaker 1: like young black men in America during this time right now,
Speaker 1: Like my sister is also raising black aways, and I'm
Speaker 1: like every day I'm like, I don't know how y'all
Speaker 1: are doing this right, you know, So I mean any
Speaker 1: black child right at this moment, like, I don't know
Speaker 1: how we're doing it right. We've gotta do what we gotta.
Speaker 1: I think the most important thing is establishing with your sons,
Speaker 1: and I'll say with the listeners, with your children, is
Speaker 1: that you love them and that you're a place of refuge. Right.
Speaker 1: You're not at an abling place, You're not a place
Speaker 1: of enable, but you're a place of refuge. Like you,
Speaker 1: my arms are always open, I can come to you.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm here for you. Right. I'm not always
Speaker 1: gonna make it easy for you, right, but I'm always
Speaker 1: going to make sure that you know that you are
Speaker 1: loved in this space for who you are, right and
Speaker 1: no matter no matter who you grow up to be,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be loved here. Right. So that's the number
Speaker 1: one thing which I think you'll already do with your kids.
Speaker 1: And then secondly, like with adversity and challenges. You know,
Speaker 1: we're athletes and we're not doing sports right now. So
Speaker 1: it's it is so hard, right, That is the truth.
Speaker 1: Because if he was, if he was in jiu jitsu
Speaker 1: or karate, I wouldn't be hitting him in the stomach
Speaker 1: to test him and see if he could take it.
Speaker 1: I'd let him go with his tears and maybe maybe
Speaker 1: down the mile, maybe run the mile instead, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Like you know, like like I'll run
Speaker 1: my kids, and I'll say, this is the time that
Speaker 1: you need to make it in like I'm not making
Speaker 1: there's no excuses, you know, get down and back, you know,
Speaker 1: down the neighborhood and then back in this time period.
Speaker 1: And if you don't, then here's ten extra set ups
Speaker 1: and push ups, you know, so that that pushes them
Speaker 1: a little bit, that that puts the goals in their mind.
Speaker 1: You know. Unfortunately, within America as it's constructed right now,
Speaker 1: at this point in history, there is no space for
Speaker 1: black children too unfortunately, be soft and vulnerable, which you know,
Speaker 1: but I'll say it one more time, there is within
Speaker 1: this space right now in America historically contemporarily, up to
Speaker 1: this point, there has not been a space that has
Speaker 1: allowed Black children to be vulnerable, to be soft, to
Speaker 1: be compassion it, to be um. You know, I hate
Speaker 1: to say it this way, but like deserving of love,
Speaker 1: and black children deserve love just like every other child. Right.
Speaker 1: So you know we want to as parents provide this
Speaker 1: crusty layer, right, but we can't forget to provide the
Speaker 1: softness of heart because when you're sending your child out
Speaker 1: in the world, you know, maybe they will but they
Speaker 1: or maybe they won't, but they're gonna be in a
Speaker 1: relationship with someone. So you can't send someone out there
Speaker 1: that's so encrusted that they can't be loved and they
Speaker 1: cannot love another person. Right that that that there's the balance, right.
Speaker 1: You want you want to provide realism. You want to
Speaker 1: be realistic, but you also want to show them through
Speaker 1: modeling and show them through other means that you know what,
Speaker 1: your vulnerable, soft loving spirit and heart is extremely valuable
Speaker 1: and someone is going to appreciate that. You know, I
Speaker 1: say that to my daughters all the time. You know,
Speaker 1: someone's gonna love you, and you're gonna want to love
Speaker 1: someone else and you actually open to that, and you're
Speaker 1: deserving of that, and you have to respect another right.
Speaker 1: So we're teaching kids how to love, and so we
Speaker 1: don't want to forget that. That's just one thing I
Speaker 1: would add right there, but you know it's hard. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: And and saying that makes me think about our first
Speaker 1: conversation that we had when you talked about speaking positive
Speaker 1: affirmations to our children and when they actually first experienced
Speaker 1: the the idea of race. So when they start school,
Speaker 1: so as early as you know, it could be daycare
Speaker 1: centers at like you know, two and three, or starting
Speaker 1: nursery school or kindergarten at four and five. The importance
Speaker 1: of speaking positive affirmations into our children when they are
Speaker 1: introduced to race, i e. Being in school with a
Speaker 1: diverse amount of people, making sure that they know exactly
Speaker 1: who they are and they're proud of it. Like you
Speaker 1: gave the story about your daughter going to school and
Speaker 1: her hair and things like that, So can you tell
Speaker 1: us a little bit about that beginning phase of the
Speaker 1: introductory you know, conversation about racism and where it goes
Speaker 1: from there? Yeah, totally. So you know, I am a
Speaker 1: firm believer I think I said this the last time.
Speaker 1: Love is a revolutionary act, right, like you know, just period,
Speaker 1: love is a revolutionary act. The idea of loving someone
Speaker 1: and being loved is a revolutionary thing. Unfortunately, historically, you know,
Speaker 1: black people did not have access to that on plantations
Speaker 1: and then growing up and up to this moment. So
Speaker 1: we have to speak to our black and brown children
Speaker 1: that they are valuable, right, they are lovable, that they
Speaker 1: are you know, that they can do it. That they
Speaker 1: will face adversity, whether it's because of race or class,
Speaker 1: or a myriad of other things, learning differences, able is
Speaker 1: um or or disabled. Right like your children are gonna
Speaker 1: face a variety of experiences. You have to continue to
Speaker 1: affirm their humanity when they walk out the door. Again,
Speaker 1: we're not enabling our children. We are empowering, empowering, empowering right,
Speaker 1: different e word right, because mama's want to coddle and love.
Speaker 1: You know, it's needed, right, you know, but we got Yes,
Speaker 1: I'll be trying out and you are strong a balance
Speaker 1: and I struggle with that, but thank God for Devouce
Speaker 1: to be the voice of reason and time like that,
Speaker 1: because it sounds like y'all got a good balance y'all
Speaker 1: got a good balance. Well, we have a balance now, right,
Speaker 1: And this is this is my concern because I've always
Speaker 1: been around young man. My father had a young man's
Speaker 1: group in a church called the Junior Ayman where he
Speaker 1: meantor a young man. I watched how he he mentor them.
Speaker 1: You know, it was like He's like, you punch them
Speaker 1: in the stomach and then you kiss him on the forehead.
Speaker 1: You know you have to, you know, give them that
Speaker 1: tough love, but then give them the soft love that
Speaker 1: they know that, Hey, I'm here, but for a young woman.
Speaker 1: Hopefully I have a daughter. Hopefully I have a daughter.
Speaker 1: Hopefully I have a daughter. Yes, you can't do that
Speaker 1: to your your daughter. You can't just put your daughter.
Speaker 1: As a father, I can't go into a punch in
Speaker 1: the get up, you know, I can't do that. So
Speaker 1: then the roles might switch. And I always wonder how
Speaker 1: do I, as a father, empower my daughter without coddling
Speaker 1: her and making her feel like, oh, you can always
Speaker 1: run to daddy, you know, because I know words mean
Speaker 1: a lot, so I know you can empower them, But
Speaker 1: what other ways can I empower her? Yeah? About the
Speaker 1: actual daughter that we don't have I love I was
Speaker 1: a person. Here you go like you having to listen, listen, Okay,
Speaker 1: well I will address this imaginary awesome daughter that you
Speaker 1: all have. Thank you, and why thank you? Because I'm
Speaker 1: I am also raising daughters. And I will say, you know,
Speaker 1: I tell my girls all the time. You know, you
Speaker 1: guys are black women, right like you are strong, you
Speaker 1: are capable. Right, you need to challenge yourselves, right, challenge
Speaker 1: yourselves and push yourselves outside of the things that you
Speaker 1: and I would say, I guess this is what all kids.
Speaker 1: But challenge and push yourselves outside of the box of
Speaker 1: things you know that you can do. That's the first thing,
Speaker 1: right because when you when when we're learning coding, so
Speaker 1: like some of them are loving it, some of them
Speaker 1: are not. And in that challenge and push, you build
Speaker 1: the capacity for resilience, right, You're building the capacity to
Speaker 1: like hang onto something even if it gets hard and challenging,
Speaker 1: you know, So that's what you want for girls. And
Speaker 1: and unfortunately, like the world has a way of like
Speaker 1: just I don't even know, like reminding you of your
Speaker 1: of your perceived place within society. You have to challenge that, right,
Speaker 1: like you have to say, like, okay, you think that
Speaker 1: this is what I deserve, But this is actually what
Speaker 1: I think I deserve, and I'm gonna go for it
Speaker 1: despite what anyone says. So, you know, daughters, sons, whoever,
Speaker 1: pushing your kid to see their value right outside of
Speaker 1: how the world values them, and I would say son
Speaker 1: or daughter, son or daughter? You know, I keep notes right,
Speaker 1: Two things that you said already that I think I'm
Speaker 1: going to start to presenting my kids all the time.
Speaker 1: First of all, is love is a revolutionary in particular
Speaker 1: black love. And this is this is funny because we
Speaker 1: were on the show Black Love and people ask all
Speaker 1: the time, why has it got to be black love?
Speaker 1: Why can't it just be loved? And I said, well,
Speaker 1: if you understood the history of this country, you would
Speaker 1: understand that black people were not allowed to love for
Speaker 1: a long time. So showing love to each other is
Speaker 1: a revolutionary yet. And then secondly, building the capacity to
Speaker 1: be resilient. I say this all the time to Candeian.
Speaker 1: She's like, why do you do that? Why you just
Speaker 1: trip the kids for no reason when they walked by.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I do that because they got to be resilient.
Speaker 1: All right, Get your ass back up all right, another level. Listen,
Speaker 1: growing up in Brooklyn, you had like we went through
Speaker 1: this welfare services that our door, Like we heard you
Speaker 1: been tripping your kids, and I would be up to that. No,
Speaker 1: I'm not cleaning up. I'm gonna be honest. Black people
Speaker 1: have had to raise their kids differently than the rest
Speaker 1: of America. And for the things that we have to
Speaker 1: do to our kids, people always want to say that
Speaker 1: we're doing we're parenting the wrong way. Well, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I don't have the leniency to let you go out
Speaker 1: there in the world and make mistakes. Because you make
Speaker 1: a mistake, you could be I'm saying, so I have
Speaker 1: to make you more resilient within my own home. And
Speaker 1: that's in part where you said earlier, Amber, was that
Speaker 1: black people don't have black kids, don't have an area
Speaker 1: to be compassionate. Sometimes I find myself trying to teach
Speaker 1: resiliency more than compassion. And that's because I feel that's
Speaker 1: that's that's the community. Community community. Well, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like your home is a civic space. You
Speaker 1: know here I go on the civics train, But like
Speaker 1: your house is a civic space. We have a family constitution,
Speaker 1: so we've all agreed that there are like four tenants
Speaker 1: that like, you know, respect think each other, you know,
Speaker 1: respecting technology. You know, there's two more that have evaded me.
Speaker 1: But like you know, like there are four tenants that
Speaker 1: we live by and so within our family constitution because
Speaker 1: we treat our home like a community. If someone doesn't
Speaker 1: do the dishes, they're failing the community for breakfast time
Speaker 1: the next morning because now someone else has to come
Speaker 1: waste time to pick up where you left off. So
Speaker 1: when you raise your family unit like a community, you're
Speaker 1: building resilience, You're building compassion to intertwined together at the
Speaker 1: same time. So like all you have to do is
Speaker 1: just kind of shift. I call it rebranding obviously, because
Speaker 1: you know, I'm thinking always like, oh, like, how can
Speaker 1: how can we market this idea for my kids? Like
Speaker 1: you just want to rebrand it? Like, y'all, this is
Speaker 1: a team, this is a community, right, You're not being
Speaker 1: a good teammate right now, Like, how can you pick
Speaker 1: it up as a bet to make yourself a better
Speaker 1: teammate to be stronger for this family when you challenge
Speaker 1: your kid to be stronger for the family. And I
Speaker 1: say this to my daughters all the time. You've got
Speaker 1: to be stronger for this family. You know, you're you're
Speaker 1: you're putting someone else in a position to be strong
Speaker 1: for you right now, and that is unfair to them,
Speaker 1: you know. Now, we all have our moments of weakness
Speaker 1: and where that's why we are a family, because we're
Speaker 1: here to help each other. But you're taking up more
Speaker 1: space than you need to write. And so when you
Speaker 1: push them to think that way, like, oh, man, like
Speaker 1: I don't want to let down the team, like right, like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't want to, you know, let down the community,
Speaker 1: then you're pushing them to be resilient and to have compassion,
Speaker 1: to think outside themselves, to value their contributions to a
Speaker 1: larger ideal. Right, you're pushing them forward, right And I
Speaker 1: say to my kids also, to like, the three of
Speaker 1: y'all are like I made you for each other, right,
Speaker 1: like I made you guys for each other. Y'all gotta
Speaker 1: have each other's back when we come out in this
Speaker 1: world because mommy and Daddy aren't gonna be here for
Speaker 1: the rest of your life. So you gotta be able
Speaker 1: to learn how to survive outside of this space. When
Speaker 1: it's all said and done when I'm gone, and you
Speaker 1: all gotta be able to support each other when I'm gone. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know you're saying. And because one of my questions
Speaker 1: to you was like, how do we teach our children
Speaker 1: to continue to advocate for themselves when we are not around?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Because racism as they get
Speaker 1: older is going to start to look different. You know,
Speaker 1: as they get older, we start to explain to them
Speaker 1: systemic racism. Don't know, you can say it again, racism
Speaker 1: is going to look different because it will. Our form
Speaker 1: of racism is not the racism that our parents for
Speaker 1: it against, well, our ancestors for it against. That doesn't
Speaker 1: mean it doesn't exist. It just looks different. It looks
Speaker 1: different for them. So it's like, that's a way to
Speaker 1: continue to tell our children that, you know, how do
Speaker 1: we teach them to advocate for themselves when we're not around?
Speaker 1: Naturally as parents and our children are younger now, so
Speaker 1: we feel like we can be the voice for them
Speaker 1: if need be, you know what I mean. If we
Speaker 1: feel like, say, for example, our children are out in
Speaker 1: this world at an extracurriculativity and we're seeing that there's
Speaker 1: some unfair of treatment going on with the kids on
Speaker 1: the team or with a coach, like, we feel like
Speaker 1: we can step in and intervene, But how do we
Speaker 1: then kind of allow our children to be their advocates?
Speaker 1: How do we teach them to responsibly advocate for themselves?
Speaker 1: And you know, some people were taking their children to
Speaker 1: protests so they can see and be on the front
Speaker 1: line and see what that felt like. You know, Um,
Speaker 1: they're different ways to protest. And I think my issue
Speaker 1: in the very beginning of all of this was finding
Speaker 1: out where I fell in this ecosystem of change, right,
Speaker 1: what was gonna be my role? And at first, all
Speaker 1: I wanted to do was take care of my household.
Speaker 1: I wanted to be the comfort and support from my
Speaker 1: my boys and my husband. That's what I wanted to be.
Speaker 1: And then trying to figure out, okay, so how am
Speaker 1: I going to evoke the change that I want to see?
Speaker 1: So do you have any tips for people with children
Speaker 1: that were just like you know what, how do we
Speaker 1: continue to teach them to be empowered? And yeah? Older, So,
Speaker 1: first of all, like the idea of being a comfort
Speaker 1: right to your kids and your husband is not an
Speaker 1: a noble idea. That is still a noble, very noble idea.
Speaker 1: That's awesome, that's super dope. Um, don't downplay that because
Speaker 1: especially right now, everybody right, Like I'm sorry, but like
Speaker 1: women are doing a lot of the lifting to keep
Speaker 1: everybody staying in the home and that where is when
Speaker 1: you do so, do not think that that's anoble. That's amazing. Um.
Speaker 1: I would say though, like if you want to like
Speaker 1: take it a step further. We we actually had a
Speaker 1: podcast about like what's next. Right, Um, you know there's
Speaker 1: a lot that you can just do in your home,
Speaker 1: obviously donating, obviously, um, you know, just lifting up the
Speaker 1: voices of other people, educating yourselves and your kids. Right,
Speaker 1: Like I went into hardcore like African American studies light
Speaker 1: with my daughters, right. I pulled out the history of
Speaker 1: the Caribbean because they have Caribbean ancestry. You know, I talked,
Speaker 1: you know, I pulled out documentaries and you know, I
Speaker 1: just wanted them to be ground firmly grounded in who
Speaker 1: they were. Right, you do not want to have a
Speaker 1: black child leave your home. And this is for anyone
Speaker 1: raising black kids, right, even if you are white raising
Speaker 1: a black child, listening to this, you are doing your
Speaker 1: child at disservice if you let them leave your home
Speaker 1: and they don't understand the history of who they are
Speaker 1: and who they really are, right, So I would say
Speaker 1: that like, that's that is a revolution scenary act that
Speaker 1: there in ourself leaving raising a confident, well aware black child,
Speaker 1: that is part of adding to forward progress for this country. Um.
Speaker 1: I will also challenge like teaching your kids to speak
Speaker 1: up for themselves, right, My daughters that see super dope.
Speaker 1: My daughters are super comfortable calling out injustice, right, and
Speaker 1: they're not doing it in a way that's like, you know, rude,
Speaker 1: but but they'll just say, um, you know, hey, I
Speaker 1: think that that's kind of like not cool or not fair,
Speaker 1: Like can we or that person sitting over there by themselves?
Speaker 1: I tell my daughter, I'm like, hey, was there someone
Speaker 1: at the lunch room? And this was back when school
Speaker 1: was in session, was there anyone at the lunch room
Speaker 1: who was sitting by themselves? Did you invite them to
Speaker 1: your table? You know? Was there a kid playing by themselves?
Speaker 1: So advocacy it doesn't always have to be racially motivated
Speaker 1: or racially charged, but teaching your kid to speak up
Speaker 1: for others, teaching them that they have a responsibility to
Speaker 1: include others in what they're doing doing right and and
Speaker 1: they don't. They're not obligated, but you should write like,
Speaker 1: if someone's playing by themselves, bring them in, right. Um.
Speaker 1: That helps you grow as a leader, That helps you
Speaker 1: grow as an ally. You know, other people look to
Speaker 1: you like, oh man, that that person is super dope.
Speaker 1: Like let me, you know, see what I can do
Speaker 1: to support what they're doing, right um. You know, also,
Speaker 1: like you know, my daughter was recently um in The
Speaker 1: Times for a video she made on digital black face.
Speaker 1: She researched digital black face, she researched black face in America.
Speaker 1: Her friends, her friends were changing their Roadblocks avatars to
Speaker 1: black people in supportive black Lives matter, and so she
Speaker 1: didn't feel like, okay, what in the world. So she
Speaker 1: I said, look, you can handle this. However, these are
Speaker 1: your friends. So she made a video instead of making
Speaker 1: those people feel bad, she made a video about it,
Speaker 1: and educational video about it. Put it out there and
Speaker 1: it was picked up. So like I I'll say, you know,
Speaker 1: like teaching them to use the voice in creative ways too,
Speaker 1: that's also part of this process, right, So you know,
Speaker 1: hopefully I provided a few examples. I think you've definitely
Speaker 1: provided a few examples. And I know we're going to
Speaker 1: keep you wrong because we have to do listen. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you have like a couple of minutes just for
Speaker 1: us to do. Yeah, as we have to. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: but I think I think this was good. There's a
Speaker 1: lot of good information, you know, because as a father,
Speaker 1: you wake up every morning hoping that you won't mess
Speaker 1: your kids up yesterday. So hearing from a professional, you
Speaker 1: know that, Okay, you're doing all right. You know, I
Speaker 1: feel like you know what naturally. Devalue and I we've
Speaker 1: spoken about the fact that we were those children back
Speaker 1: in the day where we would see someone alone or
Speaker 1: by themselves. For I wasn't clicky with one particular group.
Speaker 1: I kind of like spread the love through everyone we
Speaker 1: moved around, and I can see that already in Jackson.
Speaker 1: He's the same exact way. I've told the story before
Speaker 1: about a child in his class feeling sick. Jackson went
Speaker 1: to the bathroom with him, he had a little accident,
Speaker 1: and the person that that the child came back and
Speaker 1: told his mom. The reason why I actually accent to
Speaker 1: go with me was because I know that he wouldn't
Speaker 1: make fun of me or tell anybody, you know. So
Speaker 1: that made me feel good because I was like, look,
Speaker 1: my baby having competion layers of empathy. I love that. Alright,
Speaker 1: So we're gonna take a quick break and then we're
Speaker 1: gonna come back more with Amber um as we get
Speaker 1: into our listener Letters, which is now devours favorite portion
Speaker 1: of the show. He likes to say that's my favorite
Speaker 1: part because I'm nosy. However quiet and it's kept. It's
Speaker 1: devous favorite portion. So we'll be right back. Thanks for
Speaker 1: sticking around. We're back. We're gonna get into the listener
Speaker 1: letters portion of the show. We kept Amber around because
Speaker 1: of course, we love to have some expert opinions when
Speaker 1: y'all write us in, you know, so we can give
Speaker 1: you a nice, full answer. So I'm gonna jump into
Speaker 1: the first question. All right, I am an interracial I
Speaker 1: am in an inter racial same sex marriage. I'm Jamaican,
Speaker 1: but but but yadi link up. I am Jamaican and
Speaker 1: my wife is a white Caucasian. I was adopted and
Speaker 1: raised by a white family, so growing up, I've always
Speaker 1: been deemed the whitest black person, which drove me crazy
Speaker 1: because I'm so articulate, she said, Jesus take the wheel.
Speaker 1: We're looking to foster and adopt children in the future. However,
Speaker 1: although my wife is aware of systemic racism against people
Speaker 1: of color and has been present for racism that's taken
Speaker 1: place against me, I don't know how prepared she'd be
Speaker 1: to handle potential issues that take place when we have children.
Speaker 1: I'm sadly prepared for the continued racism that we will
Speaker 1: experience as an interracial lesbian couple and are aware that
Speaker 1: we will likely place similar challenges when having children. My
Speaker 1: question is, would it make sense for us to take
Speaker 1: courses or work with coaches, etcetera to get us to
Speaker 1: better understand how to navigate life as an interracial lesbian
Speaker 1: couple and how we can do our best to protect
Speaker 1: our family dynamics and children's identities in the future. I
Speaker 1: thought that was three questions, but that was a whole
Speaker 1: loaded question. A whole loaded question. Yeah, but um, I
Speaker 1: think it was a very well thought out question, and
Speaker 1: clearly the fact that she is already knowing that she's
Speaker 1: going to have to have these conversations with her partner
Speaker 1: with these future children. UM, Amber, can you chime in
Speaker 1: and tell us what you're thinking. Maybe the best approach
Speaker 1: he's asking, particularly courses or working with coaches. What would
Speaker 1: be the approach here, you think, Yeah, the best approach, um,
Speaker 1: I believe would be to do some sort of counseling
Speaker 1: or coaching, right, just so that you guys all have
Speaker 1: the same baseline, right, Like you want to make sure
Speaker 1: you're speaking the same language. You want to make sure
Speaker 1: that any feelings or emotions that you have, you have
Speaker 1: the techniques and the skills to work through those, right. Um,
Speaker 1: you know the fact that your wife is your wife
Speaker 1: means that she's jumped in the trenches with you, So
Speaker 1: she's about the life on some level already. Um, you know,
Speaker 1: like right, like right, she's like, Yo, you're it, You're
Speaker 1: the one. Let's do this. So like, you know, because
Speaker 1: of that, like you're already marching in a somewhat uh
Speaker 1: similar direction. I would I would definitely try to get
Speaker 1: some sort of counseling, you know, just just to make
Speaker 1: sure that y'all are all on one accord. Because when
Speaker 1: you bring kids, when when it's two adults, you could
Speaker 1: be like I don't like you, I don't like you, alright,
Speaker 1: peace by it's over right, When you sprinkling kids into
Speaker 1: a situation, you're sprinkling and nourish, nurturing. Love. Languages are
Speaker 1: very different. Levels of understanding are different. You know, your
Speaker 1: partner is going to be a white woman raising and
Speaker 1: if you guys adopt children of color, like black or
Speaker 1: non black children, Like, there's a lot that goes into
Speaker 1: that understanding that you know, needs that aren't that might
Speaker 1: not be intuitive, needs to this white your white female partner, right,
Speaker 1: your wife, so like, there's a lot of education that
Speaker 1: needs to go into it. And and you know, all
Speaker 1: kids are the same, right, but society creates the differences
Speaker 1: that are around each child. So hopefully that that's helpful.
Speaker 1: You know what, I've noticed that this is very problematic
Speaker 1: for me with interracial couples. It's not the couple, like
Speaker 1: you said, it typically is not the couple. This person
Speaker 1: loves that person. There's nothing wrong with that once you
Speaker 1: sprinkle in children. I always tell the story about the
Speaker 1: young man on my high school football team. His dad
Speaker 1: was white, his mom was black. We're walking around um
Speaker 1: King's Plaza during a half day and we all have on,
Speaker 1: you know, our football stuff, but we were congregating in
Speaker 1: more than groups of four and during the time, it
Speaker 1: was stopping frisk So we're walking around King's Plaza and
Speaker 1: they said to us, just the mall in Brooklyn, that
Speaker 1: we look like a gang. So they detained all of us,
Speaker 1: put us in handcuffs, and we're waiting there and they're like,
Speaker 1: you know, we're calling parents. So his dad comes in,
Speaker 1: and his father's white man comes in and just like,
Speaker 1: what happened? What's the problem. So then his son was
Speaker 1: just like, I, oh, no, we were just walking around
Speaker 1: and they detained us, and he was just like, they
Speaker 1: wouldn't just detain you for no reason. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I was like, bro, he has no He's just like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear that. What were you doing?
Speaker 1: And he immediately treated his son as if he was
Speaker 1: in the wrong. And then his son, you know, looked
Speaker 1: confused and was just like, what do you mean, Like
Speaker 1: this happens all the time, And he's like, that doesn't
Speaker 1: just happen. You must have been doing something. Get your ship,
Speaker 1: let's go. And here I am saying to myself, his
Speaker 1: father's probably not racist, right, but his father probably doesn't
Speaker 1: understand the black experience. And when you don't educate yourself
Speaker 1: when your partner or what they've gone through when things
Speaker 1: like this happened. It can be very problematic. Remember we
Speaker 1: watched American Son. American Son. It was Kerry washington Um.
Speaker 1: She played a black mom who was very protective over
Speaker 1: her son, had a white father who was a police officer.
Speaker 1: The son ends up getting pulled over by the police
Speaker 1: and they haven't seen the child and about I think
Speaker 1: it was like a day and a half, so they
Speaker 1: were like, where is my son? Who was my son?
Speaker 1: The cop is asking all of these questions as if
Speaker 1: his son was going to be treated like a typical
Speaker 1: white inmate, and he wasn't. His son would end up
Speaker 1: being murdered, and I don't want to give the movie,
Speaker 1: would end up being murdered at the hands of police
Speaker 1: because he was moving in a manner that he thought
Speaker 1: was okay, because as a young black man who didn't
Speaker 1: realize his blackness, he thought he had the liberties to
Speaker 1: speak back to police and reaching his glove compartment and
Speaker 1: things happen, And I'm like, that becomes problematic for me
Speaker 1: in this country when people say, oh, race doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: Yes it does. We can't sit here and continuously act
Speaker 1: as if we live in a freaking utopia. We don't like.
Speaker 1: There are things that need to be addressed in this country,
Speaker 1: and for people who do date interracially, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of work that needs to be on both parts for sure.
Speaker 1: And then and there shouldn't be a downplaying of one's
Speaker 1: experiences versus the other experience, because I think that happens
Speaker 1: as well to like, oh, developed, I can't experience what
Speaker 1: you experienced as a black man, and i'm your wife,
Speaker 1: and I don't attest to believe in and be able
Speaker 1: to feel and understand every emotion that you may experience
Speaker 1: as a black man, as a black father raising black son.
Speaker 1: So I think having the compassion and having the foresight
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, I may not understand your
Speaker 1: particular experience, but I can at least empathize, I can listen,
Speaker 1: I'm willing to learn. Those are some things that I
Speaker 1: think would work, particularly in this scenario. I'll even go
Speaker 1: stuff further because I was having a debate with one
Speaker 1: of my castmates who was a black woman who was
Speaker 1: talking about dating outside of her race, and she has
Speaker 1: said it's not her responsibility as a black woman to
Speaker 1: teach a white man her history, and I said that.
Speaker 1: I said, let's listen. Now, if you choose to date
Speaker 1: outside of your race, you also have a responsibility to
Speaker 1: not only teach him, but learn his history so you
Speaker 1: can understand where his blind spots, maybe because some of
Speaker 1: his microaggressions may come from him not knowing. You know
Speaker 1: how many people I know, white and black, growing up
Speaker 1: in the public school system, do not know the true
Speaker 1: history of this country. So when you say things like
Speaker 1: systemic or systematic oppression, they're like, I don't even know
Speaker 1: who that is, right, So you're expecting him to understand
Speaker 1: your plight as a black person is kind of unfair.
Speaker 1: You got to educate, you know. Can I just say,
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you said that, because I run
Speaker 1: in a lot of circles where people are doing anti
Speaker 1: racism work, and so you know, black people will say, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not teaching white people, and I'm of the I
Speaker 1: will teach whoever will learn, because that's one more person
Speaker 1: who knows. Right, it's exhausting work, right, But we just
Speaker 1: a friend of mine was like, we don't have the numbers,
Speaker 1: and she's right, like, we can't just say assume that
Speaker 1: people are going to magically learn about black culture history
Speaker 1: just because the information is on Google. You gotta know
Speaker 1: what key words to type in to get the right
Speaker 1: information to begin there. So like, like, honestly, you don't
Speaker 1: have to be that one person on your job teaching
Speaker 1: every white person. Don't put like you don't do that
Speaker 1: to you, don't like here she go again, here she's
Speaker 1: coming again, right exactly. But I will say, like, yo, like,
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship with someone that's non black,
Speaker 1: you know, whether Asian or Hispanic or white or whatever, like,
Speaker 1: you got to bring them along because they've jumped into
Speaker 1: this pit with you, right, Like they don't they might
Speaker 1: not know what they got into. Yeah, right, thanks for
Speaker 1: saying that. Thanks for saying that. Oh my goodness and births.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, you know, for taking time to
Speaker 1: chat with us again. And I feel like there's so
Speaker 1: many untouched areas that we can speak about. But we
Speaker 1: may have to have her back because we have something,
Speaker 1: we have some stuff I think you would be great
Speaker 1: to chime in on. So um, so yeah, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for your time. Go kiss those beautiful girls.
Speaker 1: Yeah awesome you guys. First of all, thank you guys,
Speaker 1: y'all are the best. I love you guys. Y'all are
Speaker 1: amazing great examples of like just two people just doing
Speaker 1: the best that they can parenting and relationship wise. Please
Speaker 1: keep that up because we need more great examples, you know,
Speaker 1: for real, for real? Um yeah, absolutely. People can find
Speaker 1: me on Twitter. I'm better on Twitter than I am
Speaker 1: on Instagram and TikTok. So I'm at mom of All
Speaker 1: Capes everywhere, Mom of all capes. Um. And then also
Speaker 1: check out our Let's K twelve Better podcast, you know,
Speaker 1: so you know, we do my kids and I do
Speaker 1: a lot of talking together as a family. So if
Speaker 1: you want to learn how do I talk to my
Speaker 1: kids about topics, check out our podcast. We do a
Speaker 1: ton of modeling at the Let's K twelve Better podcast.
Speaker 1: All right, so I think we should move into the
Speaker 1: moment of truth. Babe, have you been taking notes science
Speaker 1: that you had Japan and whatnot? We first of all,
Speaker 1: because if you'd like to be featured as one of
Speaker 1: our listening at gmail dot com, give them the email
Speaker 1: one more time. The email is dead ass Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's d E A D A S
Speaker 1: S A d V I c E at gmail. There
Speaker 1: you go, all right, So then I guess, is it
Speaker 1: a moment of truth time? Now after I did all
Speaker 1: the heavy lifting. You know what I'm saying. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Okay, fine, Well my moment of truth
Speaker 1: was actually pulled from something Amber said, which I think
Speaker 1: is great because I love when we have somebody who's
Speaker 1: an expert in a particular field. I can just learn
Speaker 1: from an absorb. So my moment of truth is to
Speaker 1: be not an enabler, but an empower when it comes
Speaker 1: to my children, and that can work for so many
Speaker 1: different areas of their life. Me be wanting to be
Speaker 1: the comfort you know, for them and having to be
Speaker 1: able to fight all their battles and you know, not
Speaker 1: have racism or any of that being experienced by them, um,
Speaker 1: but making sure that I am a place of comfort, yes,
Speaker 1: but also empowering at the same time. So that was
Speaker 1: my takeaway. That was a good moment of that school
Speaker 1: School School. I guess its levels to the moment of truth.
Speaker 1: So the first one for me is love is a
Speaker 1: revolutionary act because you know, first of all, teaching your
Speaker 1: children how to love can change the world. Teaching them
Speaker 1: to love themselves literally change can change the world. And
Speaker 1: teach them to love people who look like them and
Speaker 1: don't look like them can change the world. So love
Speaker 1: is a revolutionary act. The second one is building the
Speaker 1: capacity to be resilient. Right the way I've learned to
Speaker 1: build my children's capacity to be resilient is by giving
Speaker 1: them their history. Because if you understand the history of
Speaker 1: Black American people, you see that we are a resilient people.
Speaker 1: And if you hear our history, and isn't it I mean,
Speaker 1: if you think about where we came from in Africa,
Speaker 1: only the strong survived to get here to the shores
Speaker 1: of Jamestown. Then only the strong survived slavery, then slot
Speaker 1: survived the Civil War, then survived Jim Crow, you know,
Speaker 1: like the stronger here. So you have to think about
Speaker 1: the fact that you're here means that you're a survivor.
Speaker 1: And what that will do is in turn empower your
Speaker 1: children to be resilient because they realize that we've come
Speaker 1: a long way, we still have a long way to go,
Speaker 1: but you can be a part of the fight. So
Speaker 1: this is amazing in the capacity to be resilient for sure,
Speaker 1: through history and through facts and through knowledge. And we
Speaker 1: got some stuff coming up from we do got some
Speaker 1: stuff coming up. I know, I know, I'm excited about
Speaker 1: it as well too, So be sure to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media at we have an Instagram page out y'all.
Speaker 1: I'll be let me tell you see the floor as
Speaker 1: all the gifts, you guys are getting all the things,
Speaker 1: all the gifts, okay um, Dead as the Podcast on
Speaker 1: Instagram and then of course Cadine I am and I
Speaker 1: am develop And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review and subscribe, I mean, wherever you listen, rate, review, subscribe,
Speaker 1: spread the word. All that's the dead as Dead as
Speaker 1: dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast
Speaker 1: Network and is produced by the Norapinia and f of
Speaker 1: the podcasts on social media at Dead as the Podcasts
Speaker 1: and Never Miss a Thing m