WEBVTT - Thursday Therapy: The Questions for Love 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.399 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast. 0:00:07.080 --> 0:00:11.080 This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Topaz Adidas. He has 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:14.240 a new book out called The Twelve Questions for Love, 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:17.880 A Guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships. Let's get 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:22.080 him on, Topaz. Where where are you recording from? 0:00:22.680 --> 0:00:25.520 You're Aguay. I moved here two months. 0:00:25.360 --> 0:00:26.880 Ago, so you're living there? 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:29.960 Yeah? Yeah, I lived in New York eighteen years. 0:00:30.160 --> 0:00:31.000 Why did you move? 0:00:31.360 --> 0:00:33.959 Well? First, I moved because I met my wife in 0:00:34.000 --> 0:00:37.040 Mexico in Gualajaro, had two kids four to one year old. 0:00:38.040 --> 0:00:40.639 And then the big question, you know, do I how 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:42.880 can I contribute more worth work? And the other big 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:45.240 question is how do I prepare my kids for a 0:00:45.280 --> 0:00:46.960 future that we have no idea what it's going to 0:00:46.960 --> 0:00:50.120 be like. Those are the two things. So then where 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:53.320 do you If you have the luxury of choosing where 0:00:53.320 --> 0:00:56.960 to live because your business is online, sure, then choose 0:00:57.000 --> 0:00:59.360 a good place. So we I researched five countries, I 0:00:59.400 --> 0:01:01.520 went to many places, and I checked it out and 0:01:01.560 --> 0:01:03.640 I ultimately ended up here. 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:06.560 Wow. And do you feel you said? Two months you've 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:07.080 been there? 0:01:07.560 --> 0:01:08.480 Yeah, I'm stoked. 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:10.280 You love it. Your kids love it. 0:01:10.800 --> 0:01:13.360 So far, so good. I'm just in a I'm just 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.720 in the I'm in a honeymoon. I'm in the honeymoon stage. 0:01:16.800 --> 0:01:19.040 So anytime i start hearing like bad things about the place, 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:22.080 I'm like, no, no, no, no, no no, I'm in honeymoon stage. 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:25.399 Don't piss on my parade. Right now, we're good. 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:28.480 I felt that way about Nashville actually just until the 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:31.160 last year. And I've been here ten years, but yeah, 0:01:31.240 --> 0:01:33.840 this last year. Man, the traffic, I'm like, okay, and 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:35.319 I don't want to be one of those bitter people, 0:01:35.560 --> 0:01:38.000 so I'm trying to stay like, but I'm with you. 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:41.000 One of my rules was I want to be able 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:44.840 to drive around and not hit one stoplight, Like, no stoplights. 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:47.200 I can drive forty five minutes here, I don't hit 0:01:47.200 --> 0:01:48.520 the stoplight. I'm just stoked. 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:49.520 Do you hit anything else? 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:58.919 Trees occasionally? You know? I have my heart broke into Nashville? 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:00.000 Is that what you guys are right now? 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:03.160 Yeah? And I didn't do it. Go ahead, I'm helping you. 0:02:03.480 --> 0:02:07.720 And she didn't either. No, No, I don't know. I 0:02:08.880 --> 0:02:10.959 was like, well, I was like, wow, this is getting deep. 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:14.000 Bast that was quick. Are you guys in Nashville. 0:02:14.040 --> 0:02:15.840 Now are you live in Nashville? 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:15.960 Ya? 0:02:16.480 --> 0:02:18.000 I'm sorry you got your heart broke here? 0:02:18.040 --> 0:02:18.240 I know. 0:02:18.440 --> 0:02:21.040 Is that why you have now your twelve Questions for Love, 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:24.800 which is a guide to intimate conversations in deeper relationships? 0:02:24.840 --> 0:02:28.799 What did that relationship not have the deepness there for you? 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:30.639 No? That was the what was that? That was the 0:02:31.080 --> 0:02:34.280 high school love moving into college? You know, I think 0:02:34.320 --> 0:02:36.320 that's the kind of a cliche, is and it it's 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:38.839 like your last year of high school, you fall in love, 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:41.600 and then you both go to college long distance, you 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:43.880 try to keep it together, and so many things are 0:02:43.960 --> 0:02:44.720 changing and growing. 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:46.960 So well, what are some of the questions from the book? 0:02:47.040 --> 0:02:49.359 Like what he says, twelve questions for love? What are 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:52.680 some of those? Is each chapter kind of broken down 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:54.400 in a question or. 0:02:55.160 --> 0:02:57.280 Yeah, we have three parts. So one is about creating 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:00.520 the space. Okay, two is here the twelve questions and 0:03:00.560 --> 0:03:03.880 why they work and what threads of relationship they pull from. 0:03:04.160 --> 0:03:07.960 And number part three is just here's how to tackle 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:08.960 problems that come up. 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:13.280 So what is one of the big questions that what's 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:15.840 one of your favorite questions from the book that you 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:18.160 think is great couples. 0:03:19.080 --> 0:03:20.680 What's the pain in me you wish you could heal? 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:21.080 And why? 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.520 What's the pain in me you wish you could heal 0:03:24.560 --> 0:03:29.200 and why? That's a great question Light topics with Topaz. Yeah, exactly, 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:31.440 Holy mackerel, that's a great question. 0:03:31.840 --> 0:03:33.480 I don't know if you guys have i' assume you 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:36.640 haven't seen our videos, but our videos have been around 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:39.200 for now eleven years. It's called the and, and the 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:41.360 and is about the space between because relationship is not 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:43.920 you or I, us or them, it's you and I, 0:03:44.840 --> 0:03:46.720 us and them. And basically for the last now and 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:51.160 eleventh year, we bring people in relationship, not just romantic 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:56.280 but any kind of relationship. Best friends, grandparents of their grandchildren, brothers, sisters. 0:03:57.080 --> 0:03:58.640 We have them face each other. We film it with 0:03:58.640 --> 0:04:02.080 three cameras, a wide shot and two kind of tight 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:05.360 over the shoulders, and then we ask them really powerful 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:07.400 questions and they have a conversation, and then we always 0:04:07.440 --> 0:04:10.240 show you it's on YouTube and all that you see 0:04:10.240 --> 0:04:11.880 both their faces at the same time, and it's just 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:15.600 a really powerful format. And so the editor, who had 0:04:15.640 --> 0:04:18.080 been a fan of The Skinny for years said, Topez, 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:20.520 what are the strongest twelve questions. You know, what have 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:23.120 you learned from this experience of holding the space for 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:26.640 over twelve hundred conversations to be had, And so that's 0:04:26.680 --> 0:04:28.600 what is in the book. It's a distillation of that. 0:04:28.680 --> 0:04:32.360 So everything I know comes from that, from witnessing and 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:35.520 holding the space for conversations between all kinds of people 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:39.239 and all kinds of relationships, and how to really create 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:42.960 a moment in a space where you can deepen an 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:47.040 explore relationship and really illuminate your connection to them, which 0:04:47.120 --> 0:04:49.440 then makes you feel even more alive, right right. 0:04:49.720 --> 0:04:54.200 It's interesting because I was we just had a little 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:58.159 connecting two day get away together at this treehouse called 0:04:58.160 --> 0:05:01.360 Bolt Bolt from treehouse just outside of Nashville is beautiful. 0:05:01.400 --> 0:05:04.600 But on the table they had these conversation cards. It 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:06.159 was connect and reflect and I was looking at the 0:05:06.160 --> 0:05:08.960 notes that you also have some kind of card game. 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:11.760 But from there there was questions and it was it 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:16.320 was detailed relationship questions, and that was we were when 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:19.000 we were riding back home, kind of reflecting on the 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:21.800 time spent. That was my wi I said, that was 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:23.960 my favorite part, and that was also his, just sitting 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:26.720 there and asking each other these different questions from from 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:30.279 the card box because there was things I learned. There's 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:34.159 things that you know, reminisce the first time seeing each 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:39.160 other and just we got to have those like flutters again, 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:42.240 you know, yeah, yeah, So what's you do? You do 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:43.560 you have a is that the do you have a 0:05:43.600 --> 0:05:44.000 card game? 0:05:44.080 --> 0:05:44.560 Or what is that? 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:47.560 We have twelve we have twelve different We just released 0:05:48.279 --> 0:05:52.480 Motherhood and for moms for Mother's Day, a digital edition. 0:05:52.640 --> 0:05:55.640 We have twelve physical ones. We have a number of 0:05:55.760 --> 0:06:00.359 digital ones, and we're very good at making really good questions. 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.400 We're actually one of the I'm not going to say 0:06:03.400 --> 0:06:05.800 the first because obviously there's many before, but in this 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.080 last wave, because we've been around for ten years, we're 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.880 definitely one of the early adopters and creators of these 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:13.960 card games that you see now popping up. 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:17.919 And what do you think is the hardest question to 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:19.760 be answered in a relationship? 0:06:20.120 --> 0:06:22.000 Well, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:24.240 is that ask a question that starts with is are 0:06:24.720 --> 0:06:28.560 do all those questions? If you start a question with is, 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:32.120 are or do then you're setting up a binary answer. 0:06:33.160 --> 0:06:33.719 What do you mean? 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:37.320 Do you love me? All? We're still in love? So 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:40.600 the only if you start with is are a do 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:43.440 do you love me? Do we fight too much? Anything 0:06:43.480 --> 0:06:47.200 that starts with those three let words, the only answer 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:51.000 you can give is a binary one. It's yes or no, 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:54.200 we do we don't, right, And I think what people 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:57.160 miss out is that the answer is shaped by the 0:06:57.279 --> 0:07:01.080 question you ask, and we so focus on the answers 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:03.839 that we don't realize the power is in the question. 0:07:05.320 --> 0:07:07.760 It's only the question. So if I go, why do 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:11.640 we fight so much? That's different. That's not a binary 0:07:12.040 --> 0:07:15.640 do we fight so much? Yes? No? Where is the 0:07:15.760 --> 0:07:18.320 moving for inspiration? But if you go if you ask 0:07:18.520 --> 0:07:20.120 why or how? 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:20.520 Yes? 0:07:21.320 --> 0:07:23.560 Yeah, exactly where does that go? Where does that go? 0:07:23.720 --> 0:07:27.080 And what information does that actually give you to work 0:07:27.120 --> 0:07:30.680 off in your relationship? And so you know, in the book, 0:07:30.720 --> 0:07:32.640 I talk about the five things that really make a 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:36.000 quality question when you're in a relationship. So one is 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:40.480 don't make it binary, right, right, And there's a number 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:43.040 of things, And I think that's what makes our questions 0:07:43.040 --> 0:07:45.360 really good is also what creates the space for expiation. 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:48.240 I mean, for instance, you and I assume you said 0:07:48.240 --> 0:07:51.240 we meant you and Allen went on a weekend getaway, right, 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:54.840 So the thing about those card games. Which is great 0:07:55.320 --> 0:07:57.920 is that just by virtue of a game, it created 0:07:57.920 --> 0:08:00.840 the space because what if the question give me what 0:08:01.000 --> 0:08:03.600 was like one question that was really great from there. 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:09.680 Remember, okay, one was like, uh, what how do you 0:08:09.720 --> 0:08:13.120 think we like something about like handling conflict? Or what 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:15.280 is what's been the hardest thing we've had to work 0:08:15.280 --> 0:08:15.920 through as a couple. 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:20.680 So if you if he comes home one day and 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.400 he goes, Janna, what's been the hardest thing that we've 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:25.360 been working through as a couple, out. 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:26.760 Of the blue, and how do we overcome it? 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:31.240 How do we overcome it? You would not be you 0:08:31.240 --> 0:08:33.040 would not wonder if he just came out of the 0:08:33.080 --> 0:08:35.520 blue and he asked you that question or you asked him, 0:08:35.960 --> 0:08:38.280 he would not wonder. You guys would not be wondering 0:08:38.760 --> 0:08:40.800 about the answer that question. You'd be wondering where's is 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:44.360 coming from? Right? So the very first thing about anything 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:47.200 that's creating the space, it's the intention. And card games 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.160 do that. You know, here's a book, Hey, let's play 0:08:50.160 --> 0:08:52.120 this game. Let's ask the twelve questions. Boom. That creates 0:08:52.120 --> 0:08:55.400 a space. So first you create the space by putting 0:08:55.400 --> 0:08:58.240 out intention, Hey, let's have a conversation. Hey, let's play 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:01.040 this card game. Then let's ask really good questions. 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:03.960 That's so interesting you say the space piece, because that 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:06.240 just happened to when we were on the way home. 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:08.960 We were almost home, I mean maybe ten twelve minutes 0:09:09.000 --> 0:09:10.880 to home, and he goes, what do you think we 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.160 do the best as a couple and what do you 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:15.959 think we need to work on? And I'm like, Jarry, 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:19.079 I was like, I was like, well, do you want 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:20.400 to do you want to start? Because I feel like 0:09:20.440 --> 0:09:22.600 you might have something that you want to ask first, 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:25.160 you know, or it's just or say first. So that's 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:29.360 interesting about the space because though I love talking about 0:09:29.360 --> 0:09:31.000 that kind of stuff, it did kind of catch me 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:31.520 off guard. 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:34.560 So right, that would do the same thing for me. 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:37.560 Yeah, so then you're stepping back and then so what 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:39.280 we want to do is create How do you create 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:41.120 the space in a simple way? Doesn't have to be 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:44.160 heavy handed in this. You just like, Hey, I'm gonna 0:09:44.160 --> 0:09:45.720 play a card game. Hey, we're gonna just ask these 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:48.240 twelve questions. Hey, let's do a game now where you 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:49.960 just create a question and I'll create and we'll just 0:09:50.000 --> 0:09:52.560 go back and forth make enough questions. So therefore, you 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:55.280 create the space and the permission to give an answer, 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.320 and maybe even more important for you to receive an answer. 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:01.240 If he comes home one day and goes, Jannah, I 0:10:01.320 --> 0:10:03.320 love you more than the sun and the moon and 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:05.040 dada da, and he just out of the blue tells 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:07.760 you why he loves you so much, you're not really 0:10:07.760 --> 0:10:10.200 going to receive it because you're wondering where's this coming from? 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:12.480 I will say in Allen's defense, so he's always like 0:10:12.559 --> 0:10:15.360 every day he's like, he'll say something that I'm just like, 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.120 I don't know. He's he loves me very well, and 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:22.120 it's beautiful, but I see but if anybody else in 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:23.640 my past would have done that, I'd have been like, what. 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:23.920 Did you do? 0:10:24.400 --> 0:10:24.600 Yeah? 0:10:24.720 --> 0:10:25.000 Was she? 0:10:25.240 --> 0:10:26.160 That's where my mind goes. 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:27.959 Even when you're like playing that, even when you say 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:30.320 that scenario out loud and you're like he just comes 0:10:30.320 --> 0:10:33.199 home and says I would be like, what were you 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:34.240 up to before you got here? 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:37.880 Exactly exactly? And even for you general like Ellen, the 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:40.920 reason that you accepted now is because he's established that 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:43.600 as a thing. Right Like, when he's very first did it, 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:44.920 you might have been, wait, what is this? And then 0:10:44.960 --> 0:10:46.319 when he establishes this is. 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:49.760 My character comfortable. Yeah, I wasn't used to it at all. 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:52.280 Right, but now because he does it repetitive and the 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:55.559 it's almost a space is created by virtue of the practice, right, 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:58.280 so now you can receive it more than you would otherwise. 0:11:10.880 --> 0:11:13.080 I just really wish I would have known about this 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:15.200 book before I paid thousands of dollars and a couples 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:19.040 intensive two years ago, because it's essentially what we did 0:11:19.040 --> 0:11:21.560 in there. And granted it was a beautiful experience, but 0:11:21.640 --> 0:11:25.360 it was like, so much of what we've missed in 0:11:25.400 --> 0:11:28.680 our ten year relationship is just connecting because he's on 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:31.000 the road and then I'm home and i'd be have babies, 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:33.680 and it's it's literally been brand new babies since we 0:11:33.760 --> 0:11:37.240 started together and then away from each other two hundred 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:40.200 to two hundred and fifty nights a year. So when 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:42.280 we sat in a room for three days and he 0:11:42.440 --> 0:11:45.800 was not on board, I married the most redneck, handsome 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:48.240 country Like, he's like, baby, why do we gotta go 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:50.680 drive into Nashville fighting traffic just to go sit and 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:53.000 talk about feelings? But like when we got in there, 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:55.760 he was so open and there were tears and it 0:11:55.840 --> 0:12:00.760 was like, because we've never created actual space for ourselves 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:03.360 more than an hour long at like a therapist office, 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:07.320 you know when, And that's kind of triagey. You're like 0:12:07.400 --> 0:12:09.920 bandating things that need like a deeper dive at that point. 0:12:10.000 --> 0:12:11.680 But this is like. 0:12:12.160 --> 0:12:15.720 Absolutely this book feels to me like not only is 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:17.320 it added to Kart by the way, but I can't 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:19.880 wait to tell you. I know I love add to 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:23.960 KRT thumbs up. I just think it's so important and 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:29.040 it's the framing of questions and and if I'm honest, 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:32.360 I will. I've lived my life in fight or flight 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:38.840 and survival, and so I am working really hard in 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:43.560 the last year specifically just receiving without being defensive, like 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:48.040 not living in a fence. I'm because I'm so guarded 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:51.160 that I'm like, everybody, check your sh at the door, 0:12:51.280 --> 0:12:52.600 and then I'll tell you if you can get through 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:55.360 the gator. Now is your name on the list? Unsure? Right, 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.959 But these kind of questions open it in a different 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:00.320 way where I can actually like receive what he wants 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:02.520 to say to me. And I want to ask him 0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:06.640 those questions because they're not questions he can you know, 0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:09.800 these are questions we can't ask in a turkey blind, Dopez. 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:12.360 We're out there hunting and it matters. 0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:14.000 Thank you so much for sharing that. 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:15.080 It's special. 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:19.120 Yeah, it's special. And one thing I want to so 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.280 one note is where do we learn this? We learned 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:25.360 this by modeling our families and maybe our friends. I've 0:13:25.440 --> 0:13:26.840 learned it because I've done it for the last eleven 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:29.120 years by watching all kinds of people in conversation. And 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:30.840 that's what the offering here is. This is a way 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:33.520 to easily learn how to do this having these dartic 0:13:33.559 --> 0:13:36.720 conversations that deepen your relationship, which means it'll deepen your life. 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:39.400 These are people close to you, right, I mean your 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:42.000 love with your partner. You then have this conversation for 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.400 two two days. I'm sure you guys left that feeling 0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:47.280 not just more connected, but you felt more energy in 0:13:47.360 --> 0:13:50.800 your life because of the reflection that you get from 0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:54.280 your partner and the conversations you had. So that's one two. 0:13:54.440 --> 0:13:57.199 So that's why I think this is really important. What 0:13:57.400 --> 0:14:00.280 work that we're offering that I'm really honored to offer. 0:14:00.480 --> 0:14:03.360 The other thing is I really appreciate you saying about 0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:06.720 the vulnerability, because I think it's really important for us 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:13.280 to recognize and not confound safety with discomfort or safety 0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:15.599 with comfort. A lot of us feel, Ooh, I'm uncomfortable, 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.360 therefore I'm not safe. Were holding a secon We can 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:21.320 be safe and uncomfortable, and matter of fact, that's a 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:24.040 great place to be. I'm in a safe relationship. I 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:27.760 feel right, But I'm right now tackling an uncomfortable issue. Well, 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:29.400 there's a lot of things for us to grow from 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:34.040 tackling this uncomfortable issue together, right, And then if you 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:37.560 feel unsafe, then we'd also don't want to be uncomfortable. Right, 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:39.960 But if you are in a safe relationship, then this 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:42.760 is a great vehicle on which we should lean into 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:45.800 discomfort because this, on the flip side, discomfort is where 0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:47.440 growth is correct. 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:50.560 Tell me what it was like when you met your wife, 0:14:50.800 --> 0:14:54.840 because I can't imagine someone is an intuitive and introspective 0:14:54.880 --> 0:14:56.920 as you like, what's a first date with you? 0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:57.680 Even look like? 0:14:58.720 --> 0:15:02.360 I mean, dude, right, questions on the napkin? 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:06.400 What's the pain in me that you like? 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:08.040 I don't ask. 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:09.840 Question? 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:12.400 No, definitely not. I mean, that's the thing too, is 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:16.120 in the book, you know, that's the peak climax question 0:15:16.280 --> 0:15:19.200 and Jenna as a filmmaker prior to doing this work, 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:21.880 very familiar. Three actor in this case is a five 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:26.120 acts structure. So you establish a space in the connection 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:29.320 of the past and the basis of our relationship. With 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:31.320 the first three questions, the next six to three questions 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:33.800 we start leading into conflict and tension. How do we 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:36.680 handle that differently with these three other questions. Then we 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:39.360 go to the climax, then we start appreciating each other 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:41.840 what we're learning, and then we land the plane with resolution. 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:44.560 So there's a structure to the question. So obviously on 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:46.880 a date, I wouldn't start off with, hey, what's the 0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:50.040 pain because also I could ask that question, but what 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:52.640 kind of answer am I really going to get? We're 0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:54.960 just on the surface. You have to build the architecture 0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:57.240 to get to the depth or get to the peak, 0:15:57.320 --> 0:16:00.840 so that there's safety created. There's a a safety created 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:03.840 space creation so that we can go discomfort. I met 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.200 my wife when I was forty two. I remember living 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:10.840 in Williamsburg, New York, thinking and I was always looking 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:12.280 for the love of my life, if. 0:16:12.160 --> 0:16:15.120 You will, hopeless romantic, hopeless romantic. 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:17.480 But I hit this point where I said, you know what, 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:19.720 I am not going to make that commitment unless it 0:16:19.760 --> 0:16:21.040 hits me like a mack. 0:16:20.960 --> 0:16:26.760 Truck Please tell me she's not a mac truck driver, nobepy. 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.640 No, she's a universe delivery sometimes friend. 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:32.640 Yeah, but also delivers in unexpected places. 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:33.040 Correct. 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:35.880 So I actually went to help my father who was 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:38.640 sick and I'm the oldest and he's like son. I 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:40.320 was heading down to New Zealand because I needed to 0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:41.480 get out of New York. I needed to go to 0:16:41.600 --> 0:16:44.040 nature and take time off. I just sit in the 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:47.160 mountains in nature. And he was sick and I'm the oldest. 0:16:47.160 --> 0:16:48.800 He said, Son, can you come and help me and 0:16:48.840 --> 0:16:52.120 my wife? Just support us as I'm because I'm sick 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.480 right now and like he was close to dying. So 0:16:56.000 --> 0:17:01.280 of course I went. And I went to Gudalajara, Mexico, 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:03.640 which is a place I had been avoiding because I 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:05.919 just hated the name for some reason. I'd lived in 0:17:05.960 --> 0:17:10.200 Mexico before, but who knows why. And then mutual friends said, hey, 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:12.919 you should meet these three people. The third person I 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:18.680 met was her, and that was it. So I met 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:21.960 my love in the most unexpected place, much like I'm 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:24.840 living in the most unexpected place and I find that interesting. 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:41.120 What would you say to the person who Okay, For example, 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:46.439 I in my previous marriage, I really wanted to do 0:17:46.760 --> 0:17:50.919 this book with my partner at the time, and it 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:52.280 was called The Love Dare. I don't know if you've 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:54.160 ever heard of it or not, but you go through 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:57.080 challenges each day for a month with your partner. You 0:17:57.080 --> 0:17:59.280 write it down. It's something I really really wanted to do. 0:18:00.440 --> 0:18:05.159 Immediately turned down. Stupid idea, you know, he basically like 0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:07.639 ripped the book apart. Why would we do this? You know, 0:18:07.760 --> 0:18:10.000 that's stupid. We'd be doing the same challenge every day 0:18:10.119 --> 0:18:13.399 l L and I'm like, just shut down. And so 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:17.960 when I got into this relationship with Alan, it took 0:18:17.960 --> 0:18:20.960 me a second to go, hey, i'd and not the 0:18:20.960 --> 0:18:23.359 saying we need to right now or it's a have to, 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:25.320 but I'd love to maybe one day read a book 0:18:25.359 --> 0:18:28.640 with you. But it took me that's something like this, right, 0:18:28.760 --> 0:18:30.840 So I would love to do this book with Alan, 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:35.480 But it took me a while to even have the 0:18:35.560 --> 0:18:37.760 confidence or the courage to ask him because I didn't 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:39.639 want to be turned down, because I think there's so 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:41.960 many people that are listening there, like I'd love to 0:18:42.000 --> 0:18:44.840 do this, my spouse would never and then I would feel, 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:49.280 you know, turned down or rejected. And that's the worst 0:18:49.280 --> 0:18:51.840 feeling that we can feel as women, is that rejection. 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:53.800 And you don't want to feel it inside your own house. 0:18:53.840 --> 0:18:55.919 So what would you say to the person that is 0:18:56.840 --> 0:18:59.040 wants to do this but feels like they might have 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:00.320 some resistance with their partner. 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:05.320 So that's a wonderful question. I have two thoughts that 0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:08.960 come up. One is just in general about if there's 0:19:09.000 --> 0:19:11.199 something that you want to engage with your partner and 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:15.200 you get shut down, then what's core to that is 0:19:15.240 --> 0:19:18.800 the ability to have a conversation about the shutdown, not 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:21.480 about the thing, Like it's not about the book. It's 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:24.440 about the shutdown. Like I have a thing I want 0:19:24.440 --> 0:19:26.880