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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Topaz Adidas. He has

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Speaker 2: a new book out called The Twelve Questions for Love,

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Speaker 2: A Guide to intimate conversations and deeper relationships. Let's get

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Speaker 2: him on, Topaz. Where where are you recording from?

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Speaker 3: You're Aguay. I moved here two months.

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Speaker 1: Ago, so you're living there?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah, I lived in New York eighteen years.

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Speaker 1: Why did you move?

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Speaker 3: Well? First, I moved because I met my wife in

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Speaker 3: Mexico in Gualajaro, had two kids four to one year old.

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Speaker 3: And then the big question, you know, do I how

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Speaker 3: can I contribute more worth work? And the other big

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Speaker 3: question is how do I prepare my kids for a

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Speaker 3: future that we have no idea what it's going to

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Speaker 3: be like. Those are the two things. So then where

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Speaker 3: do you If you have the luxury of choosing where

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Speaker 3: to live because your business is online, sure, then choose

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Speaker 3: a good place. So we I researched five countries, I

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Speaker 3: went to many places, and I checked it out and

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Speaker 3: I ultimately ended up here.

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Speaker 1: Wow. And do you feel you said? Two months you've

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Speaker 1: been there?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm stoked.

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Speaker 1: You love it. Your kids love it.

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Speaker 3: So far, so good. I'm just in a I'm just

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Speaker 3: in the I'm in a honeymoon. I'm in the honeymoon stage.

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Speaker 3: So anytime i start hearing like bad things about the place,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, no, no, no, no, no no, I'm in honeymoon stage.

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Speaker 3: Don't piss on my parade. Right now, we're good.

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Speaker 4: I felt that way about Nashville actually just until the

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Speaker 4: last year. And I've been here ten years, but yeah,

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Speaker 4: this last year. Man, the traffic, I'm like, okay, and

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Speaker 4: I don't want to be one of those bitter people,

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Speaker 4: so I'm trying to stay like, but I'm with you.

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Speaker 3: One of my rules was I want to be able

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Speaker 3: to drive around and not hit one stoplight, Like, no stoplights.

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Speaker 3: I can drive forty five minutes here, I don't hit

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Speaker 3: the stoplight. I'm just stoked.

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Speaker 1: Do you hit anything else?

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Speaker 3: Trees occasionally? You know? I have my heart broke into Nashville?

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Speaker 3: Is that what you guys are right now?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? And I didn't do it. Go ahead, I'm helping you.

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Speaker 1: And she didn't either. No, No, I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: was like, well, I was like, wow, this is getting deep.

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Speaker 3: Bast that was quick. Are you guys in Nashville.

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Speaker 1: Now are you live in Nashville?

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Speaker 3: Ya?

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry you got your heart broke here?

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Speaker 4: I know.

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Speaker 2: Is that why you have now your twelve Questions for Love,

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Speaker 2: which is a guide to intimate conversations in deeper relationships?

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Speaker 2: What did that relationship not have the deepness there for you?

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Speaker 3: No? That was the what was that? That was the

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Speaker 3: high school love moving into college? You know, I think

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Speaker 3: that's the kind of a cliche, is and it it's

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Speaker 3: like your last year of high school, you fall in love,

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Speaker 3: and then you both go to college long distance, you

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Speaker 3: try to keep it together, and so many things are

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Speaker 3: changing and growing.

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Speaker 2: So well, what are some of the questions from the book?

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Speaker 2: Like what he says, twelve questions for love? What are

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Speaker 2: some of those? Is each chapter kind of broken down

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Speaker 2: in a question or.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we have three parts. So one is about creating

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Speaker 3: the space. Okay, two is here the twelve questions and

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Speaker 3: why they work and what threads of relationship they pull from.

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Speaker 3: And number part three is just here's how to tackle

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Speaker 3: problems that come up.

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Speaker 2: So what is one of the big questions that what's

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Speaker 2: one of your favorite questions from the book that you

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Speaker 2: think is great couples.

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Speaker 3: What's the pain in me you wish you could heal?

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Speaker 3: And why?

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Speaker 2: What's the pain in me you wish you could heal

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Speaker 2: and why? That's a great question Light topics with Topaz. Yeah, exactly,

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Speaker 2: Holy mackerel, that's a great question.

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Speaker 3: I don't know if you guys have i' assume you

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Speaker 3: haven't seen our videos, but our videos have been around

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Speaker 3: for now eleven years. It's called the and, and the

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Speaker 3: and is about the space between because relationship is not

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Speaker 3: you or I, us or them, it's you and I,

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Speaker 3: us and them. And basically for the last now and

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Speaker 3: eleventh year, we bring people in relationship, not just romantic

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Speaker 3: but any kind of relationship. Best friends, grandparents of their grandchildren, brothers, sisters.

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Speaker 3: We have them face each other. We film it with

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Speaker 3: three cameras, a wide shot and two kind of tight

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Speaker 3: over the shoulders, and then we ask them really powerful

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Speaker 3: questions and they have a conversation, and then we always

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Speaker 3: show you it's on YouTube and all that you see

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Speaker 3: both their faces at the same time, and it's just

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Speaker 3: a really powerful format. And so the editor, who had

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Speaker 3: been a fan of The Skinny for years said, Topez,

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Speaker 3: what are the strongest twelve questions. You know, what have

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Speaker 3: you learned from this experience of holding the space for

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Speaker 3: over twelve hundred conversations to be had, And so that's

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Speaker 3: what is in the book. It's a distillation of that.

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Speaker 3: So everything I know comes from that, from witnessing and

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Speaker 3: holding the space for conversations between all kinds of people

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Speaker 3: and all kinds of relationships, and how to really create

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Speaker 3: a moment in a space where you can deepen an

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Speaker 3: explore relationship and really illuminate your connection to them, which

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Speaker 3: then makes you feel even more alive, right right.

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Speaker 2: It's interesting because I was we just had a little

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Speaker 2: connecting two day get away together at this treehouse called

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Speaker 2: Bolt Bolt from treehouse just outside of Nashville is beautiful.

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Speaker 2: But on the table they had these conversation cards. It

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Speaker 2: was connect and reflect and I was looking at the

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Speaker 2: notes that you also have some kind of card game.

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Speaker 2: But from there there was questions and it was it

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Speaker 2: was detailed relationship questions, and that was we were when

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Speaker 2: we were riding back home, kind of reflecting on the

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Speaker 2: time spent. That was my wi I said, that was

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Speaker 2: my favorite part, and that was also his, just sitting

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Speaker 2: there and asking each other these different questions from from

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Speaker 2: the card box because there was things I learned. There's

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Speaker 2: things that you know, reminisce the first time seeing each

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Speaker 2: other and just we got to have those like flutters again,

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Speaker 2: you know, yeah, yeah, So what's you do? You do

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Speaker 2: you have a is that the do you have a

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Speaker 2: card game?

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Speaker 1: Or what is that?

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Speaker 3: We have twelve we have twelve different We just released

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Speaker 3: Motherhood and for moms for Mother's Day, a digital edition.

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Speaker 3: We have twelve physical ones. We have a number of

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Speaker 3: digital ones, and we're very good at making really good questions.

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Speaker 3: We're actually one of the I'm not going to say

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Speaker 3: the first because obviously there's many before, but in this

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Speaker 3: last wave, because we've been around for ten years, we're

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Speaker 3: definitely one of the early adopters and creators of these

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Speaker 3: card games that you see now popping up.

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Speaker 2: And what do you think is the hardest question to

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Speaker 2: be answered in a relationship?

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Speaker 3: Well, I think one of the biggest mistakes people make

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Speaker 3: is that ask a question that starts with is are

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Speaker 3: do all those questions? If you start a question with is,

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Speaker 3: are or do then you're setting up a binary answer.

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Speaker 1: What do you mean?

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Speaker 3: Do you love me? All? We're still in love? So

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Speaker 3: the only if you start with is are a do

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Speaker 3: do you love me? Do we fight too much? Anything

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Speaker 3: that starts with those three let words, the only answer

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Speaker 3: you can give is a binary one. It's yes or no,

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Speaker 3: we do we don't, right, And I think what people

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Speaker 3: miss out is that the answer is shaped by the

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Speaker 3: question you ask, and we so focus on the answers

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Speaker 3: that we don't realize the power is in the question.

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Speaker 3: It's only the question. So if I go, why do

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Speaker 3: we fight so much? That's different. That's not a binary

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Speaker 3: do we fight so much? Yes? No? Where is the

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Speaker 3: moving for inspiration? But if you go if you ask

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Speaker 3: why or how?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly where does that go? Where does that go?

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Speaker 3: And what information does that actually give you to work

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Speaker 3: off in your relationship? And so you know, in the book,

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Speaker 3: I talk about the five things that really make a

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Speaker 3: quality question when you're in a relationship. So one is

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Speaker 3: don't make it binary, right, right, And there's a number

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Speaker 3: of things, And I think that's what makes our questions

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Speaker 3: really good is also what creates the space for expiation.

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Speaker 3: I mean, for instance, you and I assume you said

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Speaker 3: we meant you and Allen went on a weekend getaway, right,

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Speaker 3: So the thing about those card games. Which is great

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Speaker 3: is that just by virtue of a game, it created

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Speaker 3: the space because what if the question give me what

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Speaker 3: was like one question that was really great from there.

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Speaker 2: Remember, okay, one was like, uh, what how do you

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Speaker 2: think we like something about like handling conflict? Or what

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Speaker 2: is what's been the hardest thing we've had to work

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Speaker 2: through as a couple.

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Speaker 3: So if you if he comes home one day and

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Speaker 3: he goes, Janna, what's been the hardest thing that we've

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Speaker 3: been working through as a couple, out.

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Speaker 1: Of the blue, and how do we overcome it?

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Speaker 3: How do we overcome it? You would not be you

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Speaker 3: would not wonder if he just came out of the

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Speaker 3: blue and he asked you that question or you asked him,

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Speaker 3: he would not wonder. You guys would not be wondering

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Speaker 3: about the answer that question. You'd be wondering where's is

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Speaker 3: coming from? Right? So the very first thing about anything

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Speaker 3: that's creating the space, it's the intention. And card games

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Speaker 3: do that. You know, here's a book, Hey, let's play

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Speaker 3: this game. Let's ask the twelve questions. Boom. That creates

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Speaker 3: a space. So first you create the space by putting

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Speaker 3: out intention, Hey, let's have a conversation. Hey, let's play

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Speaker 3: this card game. Then let's ask really good questions.

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Speaker 2: That's so interesting you say the space piece, because that

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Speaker 2: just happened to when we were on the way home.

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Speaker 2: We were almost home, I mean maybe ten twelve minutes

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Speaker 2: to home, and he goes, what do you think we

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Speaker 2: do the best as a couple and what do you

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Speaker 2: think we need to work on? And I'm like, Jarry,

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Speaker 2: I was like, I was like, well, do you want

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Speaker 2: to do you want to start? Because I feel like

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Speaker 2: you might have something that you want to ask first,

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Speaker 2: you know, or it's just or say first. So that's

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Speaker 2: interesting about the space because though I love talking about

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Speaker 2: that kind of stuff, it did kind of catch me

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Speaker 2: off guard.

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Speaker 1: So right, that would do the same thing for me.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so then you're stepping back and then so what

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Speaker 3: we want to do is create How do you create

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Speaker 3: the space in a simple way? Doesn't have to be

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Speaker 3: heavy handed in this. You just like, Hey, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: play a card game. Hey, we're gonna just ask these

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Speaker 3: twelve questions. Hey, let's do a game now where you

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Speaker 3: just create a question and I'll create and we'll just

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Speaker 3: go back and forth make enough questions. So therefore, you

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Speaker 3: create the space and the permission to give an answer,

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Speaker 3: and maybe even more important for you to receive an answer.

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Speaker 3: If he comes home one day and goes, Jannah, I

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Speaker 3: love you more than the sun and the moon and

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Speaker 3: dada da, and he just out of the blue tells

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Speaker 3: you why he loves you so much, you're not really

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Speaker 3: going to receive it because you're wondering where's this coming from?

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Speaker 2: I will say in Allen's defense, so he's always like

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Speaker 2: every day he's like, he'll say something that I'm just like,

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Speaker 2: I don't know. He's he loves me very well, and

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Speaker 2: it's beautiful, but I see but if anybody else in

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Speaker 2: my past would have done that, I'd have been like, what.

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Speaker 1: Did you do?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Was she?

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Speaker 1: That's where my mind goes.

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Speaker 4: Even when you're like playing that, even when you say

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Speaker 4: that scenario out loud and you're like he just comes

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Speaker 4: home and says I would be like, what were you

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Speaker 4: up to before you got here?

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Speaker 3: Exactly exactly? And even for you general like Ellen, the

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Speaker 3: reason that you accepted now is because he's established that

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Speaker 3: as a thing. Right Like, when he's very first did it,

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Speaker 3: you might have been, wait, what is this? And then

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Speaker 3: when he establishes this is.

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Speaker 1: My character comfortable. Yeah, I wasn't used to it at all.

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Speaker 3: Right, but now because he does it repetitive and the

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Speaker 3: it's almost a space is created by virtue of the practice, right,

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Speaker 3: so now you can receive it more than you would otherwise.

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Speaker 4: I just really wish I would have known about this

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Speaker 4: book before I paid thousands of dollars and a couples

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Speaker 4: intensive two years ago, because it's essentially what we did

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Speaker 4: in there. And granted it was a beautiful experience, but

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Speaker 4: it was like, so much of what we've missed in

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Speaker 4: our ten year relationship is just connecting because he's on

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Speaker 4: the road and then I'm home and i'd be have babies,

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Speaker 4: and it's it's literally been brand new babies since we

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Speaker 4: started together and then away from each other two hundred

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Speaker 4: to two hundred and fifty nights a year. So when

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Speaker 4: we sat in a room for three days and he

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Speaker 4: was not on board, I married the most redneck, handsome

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Speaker 4: country Like, he's like, baby, why do we gotta go

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Speaker 4: drive into Nashville fighting traffic just to go sit and

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Speaker 4: talk about feelings? But like when we got in there,

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Speaker 4: he was so open and there were tears and it

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Speaker 4: was like, because we've never created actual space for ourselves

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Speaker 4: more than an hour long at like a therapist office,

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Speaker 4: you know when, And that's kind of triagey. You're like

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Speaker 4: bandating things that need like a deeper dive at that point.

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Speaker 1: But this is like.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely this book feels to me like not only is

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Speaker 4: it added to Kart by the way, but I can't

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Speaker 4: wait to tell you. I know I love add to

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Speaker 4: KRT thumbs up. I just think it's so important and

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Speaker 4: it's the framing of questions and and if I'm honest,

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Speaker 4: I will. I've lived my life in fight or flight

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Speaker 4: and survival, and so I am working really hard in

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Speaker 4: the last year specifically just receiving without being defensive, like

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Speaker 4: not living in a fence. I'm because I'm so guarded

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Speaker 4: that I'm like, everybody, check your sh at the door,

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Speaker 4: and then I'll tell you if you can get through

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Speaker 4: the gator. Now is your name on the list? Unsure? Right,

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Speaker 4: But these kind of questions open it in a different

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Speaker 4: way where I can actually like receive what he wants

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Speaker 4: to say to me. And I want to ask him

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Speaker 4: those questions because they're not questions he can you know,

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Speaker 4: these are questions we can't ask in a turkey blind, Dopez.

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Speaker 4: We're out there hunting and it matters.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for sharing that.

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Speaker 1: It's special.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's special. And one thing I want to so

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Speaker 3: one note is where do we learn this? We learned

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Speaker 3: this by modeling our families and maybe our friends. I've

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Speaker 3: learned it because I've done it for the last eleven

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Speaker 3: years by watching all kinds of people in conversation. And

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Speaker 3: that's what the offering here is. This is a way

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Speaker 3: to easily learn how to do this having these dartic

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Speaker 3: conversations that deepen your relationship, which means it'll deepen your life.

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Speaker 3: These are people close to you, right, I mean your

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Speaker 3: love with your partner. You then have this conversation for

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Speaker 3: two two days. I'm sure you guys left that feeling

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Speaker 3: not just more connected, but you felt more energy in

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Speaker 3: your life because of the reflection that you get from

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Speaker 3: your partner and the conversations you had. So that's one two.

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Speaker 3: So that's why I think this is really important. What

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Speaker 3: work that we're offering that I'm really honored to offer.

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Speaker 3: The other thing is I really appreciate you saying about

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Speaker 3: the vulnerability, because I think it's really important for us

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Speaker 3: to recognize and not confound safety with discomfort or safety

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Speaker 3: with comfort. A lot of us feel, Ooh, I'm uncomfortable,

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Speaker 3: therefore I'm not safe. Were holding a secon We can

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Speaker 3: be safe and uncomfortable, and matter of fact, that's a

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Speaker 3: great place to be. I'm in a safe relationship. I

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Speaker 3: feel right, But I'm right now tackling an uncomfortable issue. Well,

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Speaker 3: there's a lot of things for us to grow from

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Speaker 3: tackling this uncomfortable issue together, right, And then if you

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Speaker 3: feel unsafe, then we'd also don't want to be uncomfortable. Right,

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Speaker 3: But if you are in a safe relationship, then this

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Speaker 3: is a great vehicle on which we should lean into

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Speaker 3: discomfort because this, on the flip side, discomfort is where

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Speaker 3: growth is correct.

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Speaker 4: Tell me what it was like when you met your wife,

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Speaker 4: because I can't imagine someone is an intuitive and introspective

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Speaker 4: as you like, what's a first date with you?

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Speaker 1: Even look like?

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Speaker 2: I mean, dude, right, questions on the napkin?

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Speaker 1: What's the pain in me that you like?

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Speaker 3: I don't ask.

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Speaker 1: Question?

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Speaker 3: No, definitely not. I mean, that's the thing too, is

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Speaker 3: in the book, you know, that's the peak climax question

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Speaker 3: and Jenna as a filmmaker prior to doing this work,

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Speaker 3: very familiar. Three actor in this case is a five

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Speaker 3: acts structure. So you establish a space in the connection

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Speaker 3: of the past and the basis of our relationship. With

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Speaker 3: the first three questions, the next six to three questions

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Speaker 3: we start leading into conflict and tension. How do we

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Speaker 3: handle that differently with these three other questions. Then we

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Speaker 3: go to the climax, then we start appreciating each other

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Speaker 3: what we're learning, and then we land the plane with resolution.

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Speaker 3: So there's a structure to the question. So obviously on

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Speaker 3: a date, I wouldn't start off with, hey, what's the

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Speaker 3: pain because also I could ask that question, but what

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Speaker 3: kind of answer am I really going to get? We're

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Speaker 3: just on the surface. You have to build the architecture

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Speaker 3: to get to the depth or get to the peak,

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Speaker 3: so that there's safety created. There's a a safety created

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Speaker 3: space creation so that we can go discomfort. I met

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Speaker 3: my wife when I was forty two. I remember living

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Speaker 3: in Williamsburg, New York, thinking and I was always looking

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Speaker 3: for the love of my life, if.

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Speaker 1: You will, hopeless romantic, hopeless romantic.

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Speaker 3: But I hit this point where I said, you know what,

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Speaker 3: I am not going to make that commitment unless it

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Speaker 3: hits me like a mack.

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Speaker 4: Truck Please tell me she's not a mac truck driver, nobepy.

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Speaker 1: No, she's a universe delivery sometimes friend.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but also delivers in unexpected places.

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Speaker 1: Correct.

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Speaker 3: So I actually went to help my father who was

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Speaker 3: sick and I'm the oldest and he's like son. I

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Speaker 3: was heading down to New Zealand because I needed to

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Speaker 3: get out of New York. I needed to go to

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Speaker 3: nature and take time off. I just sit in the

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Speaker 3: mountains in nature. And he was sick and I'm the oldest.

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Speaker 3: He said, Son, can you come and help me and

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Speaker 3: my wife? Just support us as I'm because I'm sick

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Speaker 3: right now and like he was close to dying. So

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Speaker 3: of course I went. And I went to Gudalajara, Mexico,

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Speaker 3: which is a place I had been avoiding because I

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Speaker 3: just hated the name for some reason. I'd lived in

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Speaker 3: Mexico before, but who knows why. And then mutual friends said, hey,

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Speaker 3: you should meet these three people. The third person I

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Speaker 3: met was her, and that was it. So I met

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Speaker 3: my love in the most unexpected place, much like I'm

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Speaker 3: living in the most unexpected place and I find that interesting.

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Speaker 2: What would you say to the person who Okay, For example,

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Speaker 2: I in my previous marriage, I really wanted to do

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Speaker 2: this book with my partner at the time, and it

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Speaker 2: was called The Love Dare. I don't know if you've

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Speaker 2: ever heard of it or not, but you go through

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Speaker 2: challenges each day for a month with your partner. You

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Speaker 2: write it down. It's something I really really wanted to do.

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Speaker 2: Immediately turned down. Stupid idea, you know, he basically like

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Speaker 2: ripped the book apart. Why would we do this? You know,

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Speaker 2: that's stupid. We'd be doing the same challenge every day

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Speaker 2: l L and I'm like, just shut down. And so

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Speaker 2: when I got into this relationship with Alan, it took

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Speaker 2: me a second to go, hey, i'd and not the

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Speaker 2: saying we need to right now or it's a have to,

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Speaker 2: but I'd love to maybe one day read a book

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Speaker 2: with you. But it took me that's something like this, right,

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Speaker 2: So I would love to do this book with Alan,

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Speaker 2: But it took me a while to even have the

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Speaker 2: confidence or the courage to ask him because I didn't

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Speaker 2: want to be turned down, because I think there's so

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Speaker 2: many people that are listening there, like I'd love to

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Speaker 2: do this, my spouse would never and then I would feel,

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Speaker 2: you know, turned down or rejected. And that's the worst

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Speaker 2: feeling that we can feel as women, is that rejection.

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Speaker 2: And you don't want to feel it inside your own house.

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Speaker 2: So what would you say to the person that is

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Speaker 2: wants to do this but feels like they might have

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Speaker 2: some resistance with their partner.

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Speaker 3: So that's a wonderful question. I have two thoughts that

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Speaker 3: come up. One is just in general about if there's

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Speaker 3: something that you want to engage with your partner and

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Speaker 3: you get shut down, then what's core to that is

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Speaker 3: the ability to have a conversation about the shutdown, not

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Speaker 3: about the thing, Like it's not about the book. It's

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Speaker 3: about the shutdown. Like I have a thing I want

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Speaker 3: to do. It could be X, Y or Z. It's

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Speaker 3: X now, it's why tomorrow, and it's Z in a month,

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Speaker 3: but I get shut down. So there is a fundamental

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Speaker 3: issue we need to talk about, which is why am

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Speaker 3: I getting shut down? Right? And so the core that

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Speaker 3: is the ability to communicate And because then I go

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Speaker 3: the second thought, which is because oftentimes there is one

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Speaker 3: person who wants to have the conversation and the other

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Speaker 3: person who does not. And if we're going to go

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Speaker 3: into masculine feminine energies, however you interpret, you know, we

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Speaker 3: can talk about this but non binar or not. But

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Speaker 3: let's for me, I feel that there are masculine energies

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Speaker 3: and femin energies independent of gender, but there are feminine

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Speaker 3: energies that want to have conversations. Holistic is open, let's

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Speaker 3: explore this. The masculine energy is pointed and basically wants

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Speaker 3: to address conflict or challenge. So it's oftentimes the feminine

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Speaker 3: energy that say, hey, let's go have this experience and

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Speaker 3: explore something, and the mask energy is reticent. But when

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Speaker 3: the mask energy like says okay, we're here and let's

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Speaker 3: have the conversation, then the mask energy is like, hey,

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Speaker 3: waste the challenge. This is a game. We're gonna win it.

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Speaker 3: So I'm actually going to really go there. Kind of

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Speaker 3: like you were mentioning about your partner, why are we

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Speaker 3: coming in the traffic in Nashville, and then he was

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Speaker 3: in it. He was expressed because he's okay, we're doing this,

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Speaker 3: then we're going to do it. And so for any energy,

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Speaker 3: any person who's trying to invite their partner in and

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Speaker 3: the partner doesn't a we need the core ability to say, hey,

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Speaker 3: this is important to me. Can we set the time

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Speaker 3: to do it? And secondly, and this is on you

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Speaker 3: who's inviting the other person, is you have to let

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Speaker 3: them be who they are, meaning if they don't want

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Speaker 3: to answer the question, they don't have to answer the question.

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Speaker 3: If they don't answer it the way you want them

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Speaker 3: to answer it, there's articulars you there's an emotionally connect

436
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,960
Speaker 3: as you you have to accept that the fact that

437
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,920
Speaker 3: they're in it and that they're being who they are

438
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,760
Speaker 3: is a thing that we need to as the ones

439
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 3: who are inviting others into the space to allow them

440
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,240
Speaker 3: to be and be who they are, and hopefully in

441
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,960
Speaker 3: allowing them to be who they are, they can step

442
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,000
Speaker 3: out and practice something new if they're not particularly practice

443
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:38,320
Speaker 3: and emotional articulation. Does that Does that make sense? Like, yeah, yeah,

444
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:42,440
Speaker 3: you know, and I understand because I think, yeah, that's

445
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,720
Speaker 3: just I have people who say, well, my partner doesn't

446
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,399
Speaker 3: really want to play this fair enough, whether there are

447
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,560
Speaker 3: other things they also don't want to play with or do,

448
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,320
Speaker 3: and you is there are there other dead ends in

449
00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 3: your relationship that you can't talk about. How do we

450
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 3: explore that? How do we The only way to explore

451
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,439
Speaker 3: that is we have to practice communication. We have to

452
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,120
Speaker 3: practice creating the space to have these kinds of conversations.

453
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,320
Speaker 3: That's why I think the book is important because it

454
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 3: shows you how to ride the bike and how to

455
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:12,560
Speaker 3: create the space and how to ask good questions so

456
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,199
Speaker 3: that you can explore it.

457
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,800
Speaker 2: Sure, my therapist, she's she said, and I can't remember

458
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,359
Speaker 2: who the guy is, but she said, there's a study

459
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,399
Speaker 2: where this guy can tell within like five minutes if

460
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,400
Speaker 2: a couple is going to stay together. Because if if

461
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,760
Speaker 2: someone says something in the couple and that other partner

462
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,080
Speaker 2: leans in, it's like so it's like, oh, like one

463
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,440
Speaker 2: day I want to get a lake house. And if

464
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,880
Speaker 2: the partner's like, oh yeah, that'd be fun, like they're

465
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,080
Speaker 2: going to work. The couple that's like, oh you're crazy,

466
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:38,920
Speaker 2: Like a lake house. Really, that's going to be so

467
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 2: much money. The person that leans out, like they don't

468
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:42,000
Speaker 2: make it.

469
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,040
Speaker 4: It's interesting because I my husband and I have been

470
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,080
Speaker 4: through it music industry marriage, right, So like, I mean,

471
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 4: it's just tough.

472
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 3: It's tough.

473
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:52,960
Speaker 4: Any marriage is tough. Any marriage in twenty twenty four,

474
00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:57,840
Speaker 4: is you know whatever. But I remember sitting with our

475
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:02,439
Speaker 4: first couple's therapist and he at one point this might

476
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,280
Speaker 4: actually make me emotional, ways say it too, but he

477
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,280
Speaker 4: I remember him saying to us. He was like, you too,

478
00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 4: are breaking my heart. He's like, because you love each

479
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:16,159
Speaker 4: other so much and so fully and it's so on

480
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:20,160
Speaker 4: a soul level. And he's like, yeah, it hasn't been

481
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,920
Speaker 4: built the way you would rebuild it if you could,

482
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:23,879
Speaker 4: like you know, he was like, it's gotten messy, but

483
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:27,560
Speaker 4: he's like, it breaks my heart because it's all in.

484
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,399
Speaker 4: You're both so all in, but you're just all indifferently

485
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,639
Speaker 4: and you're not hearing each other. And it was just

486
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:36,280
Speaker 4: like that moment was such a to see someone from

487
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,160
Speaker 4: the outside in a vulnerable space see us that way,

488
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,719
Speaker 4: and it felt true and honest, you know, like it

489
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,879
Speaker 4: hasn't been perfect, but it's so when he was like,

490
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 4: you two, you're breaking my heart. You guys like you

491
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,479
Speaker 4: I know, like he could see it in us, And

492
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 4: I think when you create books like this, you create

493
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,919
Speaker 4: the opportunity for people to put the walls down. That

494
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,359
Speaker 4: is like what most people are. My husband is, you know,

495
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 4: doesn't want to be that emotional guy. It is now

496
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 4: more so, but like a middle kid wasn't heard growing up,

497
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,239
Speaker 4: we learned a lot about that and are intensive and

498
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,840
Speaker 4: how that has translated into his world and what he's

499
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:14,160
Speaker 4: been good at. He's clung too, But I don't I

500
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,400
Speaker 4: want all the pieces of him.

501
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:15,600
Speaker 3: Right.

502
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:19,400
Speaker 4: But when you create books like this, you give opportunities

503
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,960
Speaker 4: for my sweet hunting husband to just sit with himself

504
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,080
Speaker 4: and ask me things and get honest answers from guarded

505
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,399
Speaker 4: had to grow up too fast, Christen, Right, it's a

506
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 4: really special thing you've done. Do you and your wife

507
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:33,960
Speaker 4: do this with each other?

508
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:34,359
Speaker 1: Still?

509
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:34,600
Speaker 3: Do?

510
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 1: Can you repeat the book?

511
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,400
Speaker 3: I'll tell you the truth. I for me, I'm very

512
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,480
Speaker 3: much classic masking. So if we're gonna if you're going

513
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,119
Speaker 3: to ask me a question, I will give you the truth,

514
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,480
Speaker 3: like the my truth as I see it all the way.

515
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 3: And that could be pretty intense.

516
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:50,840
Speaker 1: It's New York. I'm not gonna lie. It makes me

517
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 1: a little intimidated, right.

518
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,800
Speaker 3: So, but I'll tell you when we play the game,

519
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:57,560
Speaker 3: it's when we don't want to, when we don't want

520
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 3: to talk, when something comes up and you're like, God,

521
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 3: damn it, and you're just like and you can feel

522
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,120
Speaker 3: in the room just and you're growling at each other.

523
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,199
Speaker 3: That's when I go to the car game and I

524
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,879
Speaker 3: pull it out and I open up and now it's

525
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 3: like lubrication. It just starts because it's a random question, right,

526
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 3: So like if you're in a conversation with your partner

527
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,639
Speaker 3: and you're asking the question, instantly you have more power

528
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,359
Speaker 3: because you are asking the question, you're saying, we're going

529
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 3: to talk about this. But if it's random out of

530
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,439
Speaker 3: a car game, this is it's like a neutral person.

531
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:29,840
Speaker 1: It's like a reset though too.

532
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,600
Speaker 3: It's a reset and it's a random question that then

533
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,479
Speaker 3: opens up the space and the questions are shaped so

534
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,919
Speaker 3: that they don't grant power to one other person. So,

535
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,440
Speaker 3: and this again goes to the shape of the question,

536
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,639
Speaker 3: why do you think what do you think is our

537
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:49,520
Speaker 3: biggest chance? No, what is our biggest challenge right now? Okay?

538
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,240
Speaker 3: If I ask you that what is our biggest challenge

539
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,920
Speaker 3: right now in our relationship, you are then in a

540
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 3: position where your answer is saying this is this is

541
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 3: the biggest challenge objectively. But if I just add do

542
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,200
Speaker 3: you think or do you feel? That makes it subjective?

543
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,200
Speaker 3: It's like, hey, what do you think is the biggest lands.

544
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 3: And now I'm already not combating you because that's your opinion.

545
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,919
Speaker 3: I go, hey, what is our biggest challenge? And you

546
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,520
Speaker 3: say it's this. I go, no, it's not, it's that.

547
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,400
Speaker 3: Wait a second, if I just change a question, what

548
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,160
Speaker 3: do you feel? What do you think? Then it's say

549
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,359
Speaker 3: that's your opinion, like, oh, interesting, because my opinion what

550
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,720
Speaker 3: I feel is this, and you see how it creates

551
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,760
Speaker 3: less conflict and so just the shaping of the course.

552
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 3: That's why the random cars are really helpful, or my

553
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:34,720
Speaker 3: questions that we create my team and I are really

554
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,880
Speaker 3: helpful because they create the space to have a conversation

555
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,560
Speaker 3: where you could really explore and not be confrontational per

556
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,480
Speaker 3: se and also constructive. So that one, what do you

557
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 3: think is the biggest challenge in our relationship? I would

558
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 3: then add at the end of that, what do you

559
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,119
Speaker 3: think is our biggest channel? What do you feel is

560
00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:50,600
Speaker 3: the biggest challenge? And what do you think it is

561
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:54,560
Speaker 3: teaching us? Because then it's also taking the challenge, giving

562
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,199
Speaker 3: off empowering and just the thought about what's couple's therapy,

563
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,640
Speaker 3: which I think is great and I've been it before,

564
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 3: but the thing about a couple therapy is that the

565
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 3: therapist is holding the space. The therapist is the one

566
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 3: asking the questions. The therapist is the one who is

567
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,200
Speaker 3: the referee. And that's great and it's important because sometimes

568
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,800
Speaker 3: you need a therapist to guide you to certain places. Absolutely,

569
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,560
Speaker 3: but what's also a really important relationship is that you

570
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 3: both can hold the space. And that's what's great about

571
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 3: the questions. It's like we are here, we're both asking

572
00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:26,360
Speaker 3: these questions that we're coming tout of a card or

573
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 3: in the book, and we're sending in each other's space

574
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:33,160
Speaker 3: and we're holding it for each other, right because otherwise

575
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 3: you don't want to get used to we only have

576
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:38,680
Speaker 3: our deep conversations in therapy, correct, Because so you want

577
00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,119
Speaker 3: to practice having the deep conversations where you're both the

578
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:46,359
Speaker 3: mutual referees, the mutual SpaceHolders of your relationship. And that's

579
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 3: why it's actually not important about answering the question. What's

580
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 3: important is holding the space to ask them.

581
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:59,120
Speaker 2: Well, that is brilliant, amazing. Can everyone get twelve Questions

582
00:27:59,119 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 2: for Love?

583
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:00,159
Speaker 3: Uh?

584
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,840
Speaker 2: Wherever books are sold? And then where can we get

585
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 2: the cards to abez?

586
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,720
Speaker 3: It's on Amazon? You can find them all on Amazon

587
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 3: and also the skindeep dot com.

588
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,639
Speaker 2: What are the cards called, because I'm going to Amazon

589
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:11,960
Speaker 2: right now.

590
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:16,119
Speaker 3: They're called the and card games. So type in like

591
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,400
Speaker 3: if you type, if you type in the skin Deep

592
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 3: card game, you'll find it because the skin Deep is

593
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,919
Speaker 3: the name of our studio experiences I studio, and the

594
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,119
Speaker 3: and is the name of the product. But just the

595
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,400
Speaker 3: end is so hard to search because it's like, good.

596
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,200
Speaker 2: I got it, and there isn't this one the black

597
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,800
Speaker 2: with like the really pretty.

598
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 1: Yes, the pretty cool, meaningful. I can get it overnight

599
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 1: seven and I'm going to order your book too. Do

600
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:39,720
Speaker 1: I want the long term edition?

601
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:41,640
Speaker 3: Get the long term? Oh?

602
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:42,040
Speaker 1: Long term?

603
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 3: Long term? Well, just because you've been in it. And

604
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,640
Speaker 3: then you can also get the Healing which is great.

605
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:47,479
Speaker 3: It's like a mixer.

606
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:49,960
Speaker 1: I see you're busy at the card.

607
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,160
Speaker 3: There's also and then but if you go to the

608
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:54,640
Speaker 3: skin deep dot com, that's where we have our digital editions,

609
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:57,400
Speaker 3: which you can get right now and download. They're not physical,

610
00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 3: and those are great because we just created the mother

611
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 3: this one and the Motherhood.

612
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:04,160
Speaker 2: And there's a dating edition as well, Healing Edition, so

613
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:08,120
Speaker 2: you guys, I'll check it out. Friend's Edition, Family Edition. Oh,

614
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:09,880
Speaker 2: Jana and I will get the Friends edition. We'll be

615
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 2: doing it on on the podcast. We should do it

616
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 2: for the podcast and then the book. I'm putting it

617
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 2: on there right now.

618
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,760
Speaker 3: I'll be back on after you. Okay, your partners, and

619
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,240
Speaker 3: your partners will be like this guy. I want to

620
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 3: talk to this guy because this guy really put me

621
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 3: in the hot seat.

622
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 2: We have Well, I'm ordering your book right now too.

623
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,240
Speaker 2: So thank you for coming on. I appreciate you.

624
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:28,920
Speaker 3: Thank you both.

625
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,160
Speaker 1: You're wonderful. Thank you, Bye bye friend.