1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,760 Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, a new weekly series 2 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,080 Speaker 1: that is part of my I've Never Said This Before 3 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:10,920 Speaker 1: podcast where I am talking about things well that I've 4 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,920 Speaker 1: never really publicly talked about before. And today's topic is 5 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 1: should you tell a close friend that you don't like 6 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:24,720 Speaker 1: their girlfriend or boyfriend? Oh? Boy, this is my goodness, 7 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,479 Speaker 1: this is This is a tough one. This is a 8 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,400 Speaker 1: tough one. It's tough because when you love somebody so much, 9 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,920 Speaker 1: you want the best for them, You want to protect 10 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: them in some ways, you want to save them, right, 11 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,280 Speaker 1: and if you see that they're with somebody who maybe 12 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:43,599 Speaker 1: isn't the best partner for them, it's very difficult to 13 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,599 Speaker 1: not say something because you love your friend so much, right, 14 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: and you always want the best for them. So I 15 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:54,360 Speaker 1: had a friend who was with somebody who, let's just say, 16 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 1: was a little bit unstable. And this person would be 17 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:03,600 Speaker 1: verbally abusive to my friend. Would sometimes get a little physical, 18 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: not like not like you know, beating somebody up, but 19 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:11,600 Speaker 1: would maybe throw something or you know, slam doors, just 20 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:16,240 Speaker 1: kind of an intense energy, and would just say really 21 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: really horribly mean things to them, like horribly mean things 22 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: that stay with you for a really long time, that 23 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 1: even your worst enemy should never say to you like 24 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,120 Speaker 1: things that are that bad, right, And this was a 25 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:31,720 Speaker 1: continuation of this treatment over a period of time, so 26 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: I would hear about it quite a lot, and I 27 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: knew that my friend was so happy to finally have 28 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: met somebody, so I kind of bit my tongue quite 29 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 1: a bit. And then there was one blow up fight 30 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,520 Speaker 1: where I got a phone call about and I got 31 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,319 Speaker 1: asked a question, what do you think because I'm thinking 32 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 1: of proposing, And I saw this as my window in. 33 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 1: I saw this as, oh, man, this is when I 34 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 1: can finally say what I want to say because I'm 35 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,760 Speaker 1: being asked, right, So this is great. So I said 36 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 1: what I thought, and what I thought was that this 37 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: person is very, very very unstable. Is not making your 38 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: life better, is actually making you feel worse about yourself, 39 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: is totally crushing your self esteem. This isn't someone I 40 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,840 Speaker 1: think you want to spend the rest of your life with, 41 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: because if this is happening now, when you're not even married, 42 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,400 Speaker 1: just think of what's gonna happen when you're married. It's 43 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 1: not gonna get better. This is not gonna get better. 44 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 1: It's gonna get worse. So don't take that leap with 45 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,360 Speaker 1: somebody who's exhibiting these signs. There's plenty of fish in 46 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: the sea. I know it sounds easier said than done, 47 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,080 Speaker 1: but trust me, there will be someone who comes around 48 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,400 Speaker 1: that is great for you, who's gonna lift you up 49 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 1: and make you feel good and not make you feel 50 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,360 Speaker 1: so bad all the time. I mean, I really went 51 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,080 Speaker 1: into it, like I guess, I kind of unleashed because 52 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 1: I've been holding this in for so long. But I 53 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,880 Speaker 1: didn't bash my friend's partner at all, not once. I 54 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: was just speaking from fact and speaking from truth and 55 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 1: telling my friend situations that they told me about out 56 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,359 Speaker 1: that I kind of clocked in my head that we're 57 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: a reminder for how they were being treated. So we 58 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,120 Speaker 1: had this whole long conversation. My friend was super receptive. 59 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,959 Speaker 1: Was like, yeah, you're right. Oh my god, I don't 60 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,799 Speaker 1: want this for my future. And I think you're absolutely right, 61 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,520 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna have to make this decision, and I 62 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,639 Speaker 1: think I know what I'm going to decide. And then 63 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 1: a couple of days go by and I don't hear 64 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 1: from my friend. I thought, well, that's weird. I hope 65 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 1: everything's okay, but maybe my friend just needs a minute, 66 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: or I don't know, needs a little space. I'm also 67 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,160 Speaker 1: someone who believes in giving space. I don't want to 68 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 1: be up everyone's you know, butt all the time. I 69 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: think you have to allow for space. A couple more 70 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: days go by and I don't hear from my friend, 71 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 1: and now I'm like, okay, this is really weird, given 72 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 1: that we had an entire conversation about their partner, and 73 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: it was a pretty intense, serious conversation, and now you're 74 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 1: just ghosting me. Well, what is going on? So finally 75 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,000 Speaker 1: I shoot a text and I say, hey, just checking in, 76 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 1: want to make sure you're good, you know, sending love 77 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 1: something like that. I got a text back saying, hey, bro, 78 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:07,000 Speaker 1: like all is great, Let's catch up soon, like very 79 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 1: very kind of short and vague, with no reference to 80 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: what we talked about. So I thought, okay, I wonder 81 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 1: if he everything's okay or be did a conversation happen? 82 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: Was my advice taken? Now I'm questioning if I should 83 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: have said anything, because there's weird energy. You feel weird 84 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,840 Speaker 1: energy with a friend right away, and I felt it 85 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,680 Speaker 1: and I thought, oh shit, I really hope I did 86 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:34,479 Speaker 1: not put my foot in my mouth here. Sure enough, 87 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,840 Speaker 1: time goes by another week, barely here from my friend 88 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:42,680 Speaker 1: who typically would text me every single day, and that's 89 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 1: when officially my friend began pulling away and everything changed. 90 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: My friend ended up marrying this person. There are still 91 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:54,720 Speaker 1: some of those issues that is that are you know, 92 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 1: that were in the relationship prior to the marriage, and 93 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 1: my friend just pulled away. And we still check in 94 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 1: and talk from time to time. But I don't think 95 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 1: my friend wanted to hear what I had to say, 96 00:05:08,279 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: even though I got asked the question, so should you 97 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,640 Speaker 1: tell your friend how you really feel about their partner? 98 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say no even when 99 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: they ask, because they might not be ready to hear 100 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,479 Speaker 1: the truth. And that's exactly what happened to me. And 101 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: I tend to keep my opinions to myself with that. 102 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: With that ordinarily, but I was asked the question, what 103 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 1: was I supposed to do? So the one caveat I 104 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 1: will say is if you see someone in terrible danger. 105 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: Terrible danger like if if you honestly see them being abused, 106 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 1: or it's a toxic, you know, situation, or there's drugs 107 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 1: and I'll cull whatever that kind of nine one one 108 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: situation is to you. Then I don't care what happens 109 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,159 Speaker 1: with that relationship with you and your friend, Like you 110 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 1: have to say something because it's your responsibility. You can't 111 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: let somebody be in danger. So that's the caveat right, 112 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 1: that it's the extreme. But ordinarily, if they're just kind 113 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,120 Speaker 1: of happy and bopping around and you're friends with someone 114 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: you don't love because you think they're kind of X, 115 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 1: Y or Z, I don't think you can say anything 116 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 1: because it will forever change the course of your friendship. 117 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,320 Speaker 1: I think usually they will choose to stay with that 118 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,800 Speaker 1: person for whatever the reason is. Maybe they want to 119 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 1: prove you wrong, maybe they want to prove themselves wrong. 120 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,200 Speaker 1: And then you're left being the bad guy who spoke 121 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,280 Speaker 1: ill about who they're with. And it's not good. It 122 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,960 Speaker 1: is not a good situation. And like I said, that 123 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,520 Speaker 1: friendship has never been the same and we've never talked 124 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 1: about it, and we've never had a conversation of oh, hey, 125 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,159 Speaker 1: are you mad that I brought up I don't like 126 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: your partner, none of that. It just kind of is 127 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:43,320 Speaker 1: what it is. And I do believe if that was 128 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: brought up, it would probably be a denial like, oh no, no, 129 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,479 Speaker 1: I asked you, It's all fine, but I think a 130 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,839 Speaker 1: part of my friend is not happy knowing that I 131 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:56,359 Speaker 1: so highly disapproved of who they were with. And that's 132 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,359 Speaker 1: I guess life, And that was a lesson to me. 133 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 1: I've never made that mistake again. I think you want 134 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 1: to be open and honest in any friendship, and you 135 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,040 Speaker 1: should be about everything that you're comfortable being open and 136 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 1: honest about. But there is something with who they are 137 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 1: dating or engaged to or in love with that you 138 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 1: just can't come back from if you're truly honest. That 139 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,160 Speaker 1: is my opinion. I'm sure there are different circumstances or 140 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 1: one offs where that's not the case. Again, I'm not 141 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 1: talking about the extremely dangerous or toxic situations, but I 142 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,400 Speaker 1: think it's a really difficult position to be put in 143 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 1: and was I asked yes? In retrospect, should I have lied? 144 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 1: Probably probably. I just kept it really light, like, oh, 145 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,600 Speaker 1: you know, you, guys will work through whatever you're going through. 146 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 1: I'm here for you. Done, right, done. I guess you 147 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: don't need to be a therapist to your friend with 148 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,400 Speaker 1: who they're dating when they really don't want you to 149 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: go there and think about your relationships. Have you ever 150 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 1: been with anybody who people maybe didn't love that you're 151 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 1: current currently with or you were with. You just don't 152 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,160 Speaker 1: want to hear it, And I guess I can understand 153 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,000 Speaker 1: that too, because you're hearing it from a lot of people. 154 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: It's the same thing over and over. You're in your happiness, 155 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: You're in your happy bubble, so you don't want to 156 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: hear it. And if somebody starts putting that energy in 157 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 1: your life, I guess I can understand why you would 158 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: pull away from them. But to be fair, I was 159 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 1: asked the question, so I wasn't set up for success. 160 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: Then I took the little crumb that was given to 161 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 1: me and I should not have, So for everybody listening 162 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 1: out there, I guess I just had it. That was 163 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: like a therapy session for me. Do not, in my opinion, 164 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:44,120 Speaker 1: give your opinion of your friend's partner, because they most 165 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,840 Speaker 1: likely don't want it. And I learned that lesson the 166 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: hard way. So just support them, and if you need 167 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:56,600 Speaker 1: to tell them some advice from time to time in 168 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: a delicate way, find ways to do that. But don't 169 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 1: go being guns of blazing like I was, where I 170 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: was just brutally honest about everything in one full breath, 171 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,840 Speaker 1: because we all know how that worked, oppen. So I 172 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 1: hope this helps you with any friend you have going 173 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 1: through a relationship that you're not thrilled about. What I 174 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,480 Speaker 1: will say is usually ends up not working out in 175 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: the long run. Not to be negative, but usually it 176 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: will work itself out. So you just got to stand 177 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,600 Speaker 1: by your friend and if that's an important friendship to you, 178 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,320 Speaker 1: support them in the ways that you can unless it's toxic. 179 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:34,240 Speaker 1: I will say that agangst is an important caveat, and 180 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: let's just hope that if you are asked a question 181 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,440 Speaker 1: like I was, you can answer that a little bit 182 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 1: more delicately. I've Never Said This Before is hosted by 183 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: me Tommy Diderio. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew 184 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,920 Speaker 1: Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by 185 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of 186 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:01,680 Speaker 1: the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts. For more, 187 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 1: rate review and subscribe to our show and if you 188 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,520 Speaker 1: liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time. I'm 189 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 1: Tommy Diderio.