Speaker 1: What's her family. I'm your girl to make a d
Speaker 1: mallory and it's your boy might sound in general, and
Speaker 1: we're your hosts of street politicians, the place, the streets
Speaker 1: and politics. Me, what's going on, mice? You know, man,
Speaker 1: We're just coming back from Thanksgiving. You know. Thanksgiving was beautiful.
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving was beautiful. My mama cooked beautiful for my sister,
Speaker 1: actually cooked, you know, and you throw down. So that
Speaker 1: was a good thing. Yeah, that's why Thanksgiving was great
Speaker 1: for me because my parents are alive and well, um
Speaker 1: you know, and that meant a lot to be there
Speaker 1: with them. My aunt not only did she she cooked
Speaker 1: half of the meal. Um, I can't say I cooked
Speaker 1: the other half, which I can, but I didn't because
Speaker 1: I purchased it from the great cooks at Sylvia's Restaurant
Speaker 1: in harm Shout out to Sylvia's. This time, I didn't
Speaker 1: have to um cook anything. Actually, I was in the
Speaker 1: process of making dressing as we call it. Some folks
Speaker 1: call it stuffing, but we call it dressing. And I
Speaker 1: was in the process of making that, and my cousin,
Speaker 1: who came from out of town, she started doing that,
Speaker 1: so I didn't have to burn one pot this year.
Speaker 1: So that's the other reason why Thanksgiving was good. But
Speaker 1: my aunt not only did she cook all half of
Speaker 1: the meal and all the desserts, she also cleaned the
Speaker 1: entire kitchen afterwards, put all the food away. And for
Speaker 1: people who are in the kitchen for Thanksgiving, you probably
Speaker 1: would never understand because you probably have never been in
Speaker 1: the kitchen for Thanksgiving. You don't know how how how
Speaker 1: serious the cleanup is. That's how I watched. I watched
Speaker 1: my mother's sister and everybody else and people clean up.
Speaker 1: I've seen it, you know, I understand. I just don't
Speaker 1: try not to participate. Yeah, you try not to, we know.
Speaker 1: But anyway, so it was good. A lot of family,
Speaker 1: a lot of love. My child was here with his
Speaker 1: his dog, which is my grand dog, Louis, and um.
Speaker 1: I got a chance to spend a little bit of
Speaker 1: time with them. So hey, for me, Thanksgiving was great.
Speaker 1: I think I spent the day on Friday sleeping. I
Speaker 1: don't you know. Again, I didn't have anything to really do,
Speaker 1: so I was just kind of free. So I slept
Speaker 1: on Friday, and then Saturday I went outside to the
Speaker 1: stores to see what the deals were all about. And
Speaker 1: I want everybody out there in um street, politicians land
Speaker 1: to know there's no sale. It's just not true. It's
Speaker 1: a forest. Don't believe it. This is not there's no sale.
Speaker 1: I left. I left the store because things were so
Speaker 1: expensive that I was like, yeah, I can't do it.
Speaker 1: The thing is that the stuff that you like to
Speaker 1: me because they don't never go on set. You always
Speaker 1: about me. That's the Really, you don't shop at the
Speaker 1: places where they get the sales. You're not shopping in
Speaker 1: the place where they got the sales you want. You
Speaker 1: like high end things, and there's never a sale for
Speaker 1: high end that. They sent me an email and a
Speaker 1: text message that didn't say fifty percent. They said things
Speaker 1: were seventy percent. The thing you would never buy, that's li'sten.
Speaker 1: You don't know that. How do you know that when
Speaker 1: you with it, when you walked into that store, was
Speaker 1: the stuff that you wanted on sale? Now, No, it's
Speaker 1: not even no, no, no, it was on sale. No,
Speaker 1: it was on sale. Excuse me, it was on sale.
Speaker 1: The problem is that inflation is real, so things are
Speaker 1: on sale. It was definitely marked down and all of that.
Speaker 1: But if you're starting with a sweater, like all of
Speaker 1: a sudden. I don't know what happened, but sweaters our
Speaker 1: thousand dollars, sweaters five hundred dollars, seven hundred dollars. Like
Speaker 1: sometimes I found myself up online. I'm like, okay, let
Speaker 1: me go see what. You know, what's out there. You know,
Speaker 1: obviously the algorithm on our social media, it picks up
Speaker 1: what we're interested in. So you know, it's constantly every day,
Speaker 1: the baddest ship ever is popping up on my phone.
Speaker 1: So I'm sitting there going through and I noticed that
Speaker 1: every time I click something that I like, it's just
Speaker 1: way more expensive than it was before. Like a sweater
Speaker 1: can be you know, a sweater that I would say,
Speaker 1: maybe in the past it was three hundred dollars, which
Speaker 1: would have been good. Then it's on sale or whatever,
Speaker 1: you get it for two hundred dollars, and it'd be
Speaker 1: a real nice sweater. Now that's there's these same things
Speaker 1: as seven, eight, nine hundred dollars. Like it's inflation for real, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's a lots. And I'm a sneaker person, so
Speaker 1: sneakers have just gotten out of control. Like every pit
Speaker 1: sneakers it's four and five hundred, you know, and it's
Speaker 1: and it's retro sneakers, and it's all of them just
Speaker 1: all over out of control. So is retro means that
Speaker 1: it's a sneaker that used to be and it came
Speaker 1: back exactly. Okay, well that's so they got limited amounts.
Speaker 1: So when they bring them back, they're charging you triple
Speaker 1: what they used to be. So yeah, I mean that's
Speaker 1: really my thought process, my thought of the day today,
Speaker 1: because I I literally sat and thought about how expensive
Speaker 1: things are, and I'm thinking to myself, how people gonna
Speaker 1: make it? Like I just don't know it takes. I
Speaker 1: have several streams of income, such as you, several streams
Speaker 1: of income to survive. I have to speak consult, I
Speaker 1: have my until Freedom salary. I have other important uh
Speaker 1: projects and things that I'm involved in. Some of them
Speaker 1: have not even bared any fruit yet. I've actually put
Speaker 1: money in. But nonetheless I have different things, several different
Speaker 1: pockets of money. And still it's you know, obviously, thank God, God,
Speaker 1: thank you please. I'm not struggling. But I can't imagine
Speaker 1: what is happening to a family that is just you know,
Speaker 1: really making it with two basic incomes. It's something something
Speaker 1: has to get because when we were last week, we
Speaker 1: were talking about the smash and grab thing, right, or
Speaker 1: grab and smash or smashing, smashing, grab, smashing grab. We're
Speaker 1: talking about that last week, and I took some time
Speaker 1: to reflect on my privilege because even though I do not,
Speaker 1: I have not wavered in my opinion. My opinion remains
Speaker 1: the same that you must be out of your mind
Speaker 1: if you think it's a good idea to go into
Speaker 1: people's store downtowns. They stay down there with the white
Speaker 1: folks stealing their stuff, knowing that they're going to find
Speaker 1: a way to catch one, and then one is gonna
Speaker 1: tell on two, and then two will tell on four,
Speaker 1: and then all of y'all be in trouble somehow or another.
Speaker 1: They're gonna end up putting some type of felony or
Speaker 1: something else on you, because as has been said, if
Speaker 1: it's over a certain amount of money, you get a
Speaker 1: felony and something else, and maybe you know, resistant arrest,
Speaker 1: and god forbid, you knock somebody over of a patron
Speaker 1: and or a worker, and now that's an assault situation.
Speaker 1: So they just keep they're gonna keep on getting off,
Speaker 1: and you might have just thought you was going out
Speaker 1: to have a good time, right, But checking my privilege,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking to myself, Wow, if what you're saying is correct,
Speaker 1: that retro sneak is five and six hundred dollars, if
Speaker 1: also the clothes as expensive as it is, and gas
Speaker 1: prices um in general roll have caused the cast trees,
Speaker 1: groceries are everything is up. It's it's the most expensive ever. What.
Speaker 1: I don't know how people are gonna make it. I
Speaker 1: really just do not know how they're going to make it.
Speaker 1: It's tough, it's really tough and financial times, you know,
Speaker 1: think about it, Like you said, about the grace of God,
Speaker 1: we're able to um be able to pay our bills
Speaker 1: and live comfortably to the point where we're not starving
Speaker 1: every day and we don't have to smash and grab.
Speaker 1: But when you look at the times, and that's what
Speaker 1: I tell people, like, I'm glad you checked your privilege
Speaker 1: because a lot of people look at crime and they
Speaker 1: look at people who commit crime as just evil individuals,
Speaker 1: you know. And I remember a time when I was
Speaker 1: in the streets committing crime. It was out of a
Speaker 1: sense of desperation. And there's a lot of people who
Speaker 1: just don't have it I was walking to the meta
Speaker 1: my cars working. I was working early in the morning,
Speaker 1: take my kids at school, and a god was just
Speaker 1: checking the medas for change. But just understand like he
Speaker 1: was just walking by, he was checking all the meters
Speaker 1: to see if somebody left changing. And it just gave
Speaker 1: me a reality like some people really just don't have it.
Speaker 1: There are a lot of people who are really in
Speaker 1: dire your needs, you know, especially after this pandemic. You know,
Speaker 1: a lot of people don't know how to manage money,
Speaker 1: didn't have money, lost their jobs and now that these
Speaker 1: streets is drying up and ain't no p PP. It
Speaker 1: didn't know. Um, you you you're getting severance checks and
Speaker 1: pay and in back paid. It ain't none of that.
Speaker 1: People is back to things and people are getting strong
Speaker 1: on robbed. So when you look at this smashing grab,
Speaker 1: they followed people home, they've jumping in your car. They're
Speaker 1: trying to like it's serious. Now, did you see there
Speaker 1: was there's a video online now where um and I
Speaker 1: think it was in California, a guy to guys walked
Speaker 1: over to some people. You see the guy with the
Speaker 1: gun in his hand. The restaurant, yes, and and and
Speaker 1: and the sap art about it is like I feel like,
Speaker 1: for me personally, one a lot of when I'm out, obviously,
Speaker 1: people are like, oh, how you doing or whatever. So
Speaker 1: I'm already prone to folks coming close to me. And
Speaker 1: I know that because they might want to take a picture,
Speaker 1: they might want to tell me what they think about
Speaker 1: an issue or what they saw on Fox News. Sometimes
Speaker 1: I had white people walk up to me and say,
Speaker 1: you know, I appreciate what you do, but but and
Speaker 1: they give me all their reasons for why you know
Speaker 1: we're wrong. I have, you know, the people who support me,
Speaker 1: and you know, and and just people who are just like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know what I've seen you before? Is your name whatever?
Speaker 1: So they're already close to me. So I have started now.
Speaker 1: First I started off pulling my sleeve down over my jury, right.
Speaker 1: I started with that. Then I started not wearing certain
Speaker 1: things at all, just because I'm out by myself sometimes,
Speaker 1: and I don't I really don't know. I didn't have
Speaker 1: that feeling before, even though I'm not saying crime has
Speaker 1: not always existed, because it certainly has, and people will
Speaker 1: get the drop on you or we know that. But
Speaker 1: I used to have a feel and and and and
Speaker 1: by the way, I don't feel like it's just black folks,
Speaker 1: like I could deal with just black people. Right. I'm
Speaker 1: used to going in the hood seeing black people and
Speaker 1: they've and there's a sense of respect when you give respect,
Speaker 1: even to the grimiest person. Oftentimes, when you give a
Speaker 1: certain level of respect, they respond with a certain level
Speaker 1: of respect. And it's kind of like, get out of
Speaker 1: my area, like right, like, you know, don't be going
Speaker 1: hanging out in these people's neighborhoods flashing stuff and and thinking, no,
Speaker 1: it's not cool. So hey, how you doing. Get the
Speaker 1: hell on? You went to the corner store to get
Speaker 1: you a little groceries or whatever you're doing, you could
Speaker 1: go harry up and move on. So we all we
Speaker 1: have that those boundaries and that mutual respect. But I
Speaker 1: have literally been out mice in the last weeks and
Speaker 1: there have been strange people of all backgrounds doing crazy things.
Speaker 1: White men running down the street half dressed, screaming. I
Speaker 1: had a man jumped like in my face. I've seen
Speaker 1: people of people have lost it and it's it's some
Speaker 1: of it is financial, some of it is mental. But
Speaker 1: there's some serious problems and I don't know who's responsible
Speaker 1: for dealing with it. I guess it's supposed to be
Speaker 1: the government. But I just think we are in real,
Speaker 1: real bad times, real bad times. And I have not
Speaker 1: been willing to say that, but over these past few days,
Speaker 1: I realized that it's no way people can make it.
Speaker 1: When milk is eight nine dollars, it's that's just outrageous,
Speaker 1: especially if you're trying to drink oat milk or something
Speaker 1: where you're not trying to just go by regular whole milk.
Speaker 1: Because on one hand, we are learning that we need
Speaker 1: to take better care of ourselves, but on the other hand,
Speaker 1: in order to live and to eat properly and drink
Speaker 1: on uh, what's the alkaline water? Being on an alkaline diet,
Speaker 1: it does cost money. Some people will tell you it's
Speaker 1: not that expensive and make perhaps, but I know, I
Speaker 1: don't know about you, but when I go to Whole Foods,
Speaker 1: it's it's serious and Whole Foods and so it's serious, man.
Speaker 1: Like the times were just really bad. Man. I'm not
Speaker 1: even gonna lie to you. I was really just sitting
Speaker 1: here thinking about it. And you know, I frequent the hood.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm still in tune with the hood. So
Speaker 1: I go through the hood every day and just listening
Speaker 1: to stories like everybody's trying to get the job, trying
Speaker 1: to figure this out. It coming to me like, yo,
Speaker 1: you got anything, I need this, I need that, And
Speaker 1: it's like really bad, like really really bad out there.
Speaker 1: Yeah it is. So you know, I guess for it's
Speaker 1: that it means that it's incumbent upon us to figure
Speaker 1: out how we help our people, right because as other communities,
Speaker 1: there will be programs, services, and access to everything so
Speaker 1: that they can get themselves together. As you know, think
Speaker 1: that as they start to shake it out, if you will,
Speaker 1: there'll be more mental health support where they can walk
Speaker 1: up and get help. The drug addiction and all of
Speaker 1: those things. Right, a lot of people got hooked on
Speaker 1: things they never even used before because during the pandemic,
Speaker 1: right they sat in the house or sat wherever and
Speaker 1: started to try to compensate for the pain of not
Speaker 1: being out, of losing a loved one, of the fear
Speaker 1: of COVID and all of these things. And so you know,
Speaker 1: it's incompetent upon us to figure out ways each one
Speaker 1: of us, in our own way, do what we can. Right. So,
Speaker 1: for me, if I'm out in the street and and
Speaker 1: it's a safe situation, which is often times even when
Speaker 1: it's in and A and a person who is houseless
Speaker 1: or going through something ask me for money. Where I
Speaker 1: used to give two dollars or the change in my pocket,
Speaker 1: I now am giving twenty, right, I'm now I'm getting twenty. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to people calling to me on the side
Speaker 1: and now you know, because I just want to be
Speaker 1: able to play my part. But it's it's just really
Speaker 1: bad and you can't do it. But you can't do
Speaker 1: it to everyone's right, That's it. So you can't do
Speaker 1: it to everyone, right, which means we need a larger solution,
Speaker 1: especially to help deal with our young people. So I
Speaker 1: think that for me is my calling is what are
Speaker 1: we going to be doing and try to help these
Speaker 1: young people because something's wrong? Andrew said, right, So we're
Speaker 1: getting into this show today. Um, We've got an interesting
Speaker 1: panel of folks that are coming on. It's the Women
Speaker 1: against My Song. Um, listen, in the holiday season are rough.
Speaker 1: It's tough for a lot of people pushing through the holidays. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, without their loved ones or people they want
Speaker 1: to be with, or without finding that special person. And
Speaker 1: I think as it comes to January every year, I
Speaker 1: say to myself that last January I said this was
Speaker 1: gonna be the I'm gonna go on dates. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do the thing and the thing, and I don't do
Speaker 1: it because you know, I have many reasons, and I'm
Speaker 1: sure that in this conversation it will still be that
Speaker 1: I won't be doing it for two thousand and twenty two.
Speaker 1: So and that's a shame that I'm starting off within
Speaker 1: the deficit. But I just already know I can feel
Speaker 1: the energy of this panel discussion. The bottom line is
Speaker 1: this to me, because just open your mind to the
Speaker 1: reality of relationship and not the fantasy. And that's it.
Speaker 1: And that's exactly why I'm gonna be single, because the reality,
Speaker 1: see right, it's not something that I want to deal with. Look,
Speaker 1: we got we gotta we got a good panel. Let's
Speaker 1: bring them on to dating experts. You know, we got
Speaker 1: a dating expert rather than we got somebody who's been dating.
Speaker 1: And then we have someone who's very intriguing to me.
Speaker 1: We have someone who is invested, engaged in a polyamorous relationship.
Speaker 1: You know, whatever, I've been polyamorous. I gotta get that right.
Speaker 1: That's when there's more than one, you know, dating, and
Speaker 1: this dynamic is I think it's a woman and she
Speaker 1: has a man who has another woman. So and she's
Speaker 1: gonna break that down to so I I think he's
Speaker 1: the man and she's a woman who has two men. Anyway,
Speaker 1: we're gonna find out. We're gonna find out. Okay, we
Speaker 1: see I hope, because I don't know what we'll see
Speaker 1: see imbalance anyway, So everyone, so this this is basically
Speaker 1: my show because us we decided, UM, my son and
Speaker 1: I that for twenty twenty two, I'm really gonna figure
Speaker 1: out what's wrong with my life and why I cannot
Speaker 1: get married and find a husband to do all the
Speaker 1: things that I need to do, because it's just very difficult,
Speaker 1: as I'm sure you all know. And so one of
Speaker 1: the things that we've been exploring in our conversations while
Speaker 1: we're all traveling. You know, there's four of us that
Speaker 1: travel together all the time, and um, each person has
Speaker 1: different situations. So but I'm the one that's always like
Speaker 1: the little baby that they have to try to nurture
Speaker 1: in terms of my little feelings and so, um, I've
Speaker 1: been exploring all types of things, and people have been
Speaker 1: telling me I should date online, which I probably will
Speaker 1: never do. But I'm so glad that we got an
Speaker 1: opportunity to come together today to talk about this because
Speaker 1: there are many different ways to go about skinning one cat,
Speaker 1: as they say. And my son seems to be very
Speaker 1: excited about this show today because gets the chance to
Speaker 1: try to say everything that I think about relationships is wrong.
Speaker 1: So we have been enjoyed by three incredible guests UM
Speaker 1: and I want to introduce them all to you. We
Speaker 1: have we decided to do a panel because it takes
Speaker 1: a lot of different perspectives to deal with UM this issue. First,
Speaker 1: we have Terrorist Stidham, who is a dating coach and
Speaker 1: the name of her company is She Dates Savvy. She
Speaker 1: date savvy, I need to date savvy, so this is
Speaker 1: absolutely important. She helps smart professional women to date online,
Speaker 1: so that's gonna be exciting. And then we have Tory Owens,
Speaker 1: who is the CEO of Canada lux Um, which obviously
Speaker 1: is a company that is engaged in the cannabis areas.
Speaker 1: We're gonna learn how do we date online and then
Speaker 1: also get our bag. We'll talk about that. But she
Speaker 1: is also in a polyamoroust. I've been told to say
Speaker 1: it properly relationship, and there's a lot of questions that
Speaker 1: we have about that because that might maybe that's the
Speaker 1: way for me, you never know. And then there is
Speaker 1: my sister, my gossip posse sister, someone who I've known
Speaker 1: for a real long time, and street politicians. Um, we
Speaker 1: bring our friends on every week because we have so
Speaker 1: many friends doing so many incredible things. And so LaToya
Speaker 1: Shambo is one of our friends. She's the CEO and
Speaker 1: founder of black Girl Digital. But she is also and
Speaker 1: for today's purposes, dating online. So let's get into this panel.
Speaker 1: My son, you can take it away because you don't
Speaker 1: know what you're talking about anyway, So I'm gonna don't. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just really just interested. I mean, you know,
Speaker 1: I've been hearing about this dating online. I know I
Speaker 1: have a couple of friends females, and they've been dating
Speaker 1: online and they come back to me with stories is
Speaker 1: not really working, And I'm confused how they thought it
Speaker 1: was gonna work. I couldn't even see those things happening.
Speaker 1: So first, I want to know what is the process
Speaker 1: that women go about dating on? How do you pick
Speaker 1: a guy like, how I'm so hused. I'm so traditional
Speaker 1: and conventional, an old school and you meet somebody or
Speaker 1: there is a vibe that I wouldn't even understand. So
Speaker 1: what is the process that do you go about dating? All? Yeah,
Speaker 1: ter so my son. I, first of all, I still
Speaker 1: want people to do the traditional things. If you can
Speaker 1: get out there and meet people face to face, do it.
Speaker 1: But I started my company because, first of all, I
Speaker 1: was my first client. Okay, so we'll start there. I
Speaker 1: have a twenty plus year career in tv UM. If
Speaker 1: you know anything about production, it takes up a lot
Speaker 1: of your time and a lot of your life. And
Speaker 1: so for me, it was out of convenience. It was
Speaker 1: not because I couldn't go into a room, make eye
Speaker 1: contact with a guy and say like, hey, what's going on?
Speaker 1: How are you? I wasn't afraid to do that. I
Speaker 1: just didn't have time. And so for a lot of
Speaker 1: people that's why they go on. Okay, now, the pandemic
Speaker 1: and we'll talk about that later. That changed the whole
Speaker 1: dating game, right because people weren't going out. But it's
Speaker 1: as simple as going to a site, putting a picture up,
Speaker 1: creating a profile, meaning you answer the questions that they asked,
Speaker 1: and then engaging with people on the platform. The problem
Speaker 1: is most people go on the wrong site. They go
Speaker 1: on the wrong site. So it's like going to the
Speaker 1: grocery store looking for a pair of red bottoms. They
Speaker 1: don't sell those there. You're never going to get that.
Speaker 1: So if I was to talk to your friends and
Speaker 1: they told me what sites they are aren't, I'd be like, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's why I didn't work out. That's the quick and
Speaker 1: easy of online day. So listen, I'm gonna ask what
Speaker 1: site you've been on the time. That's what I say,
Speaker 1: the right site. Listen, it's get out out here, no
Speaker 1: matter what the different I met my husband online. I
Speaker 1: have been on Tender, I have been on Bumble, I
Speaker 1: have been on Match. The only one I have not
Speaker 1: been on is League. It was because I kind of
Speaker 1: was just like, alright, I break, I need a break.
Speaker 1: It's people lie people people. People lie everywhere. The people
Speaker 1: everywhere they if you met a guy at church, he
Speaker 1: very well may lie, right, very well may lie. And
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people whold online dating to
Speaker 1: this higher standard. And I don't understand why if Tom,
Speaker 1: we could fix you up with someone and he turned
Speaker 1: out to not be the right one. You still go
Speaker 1: rock with her. She's still your girl. You're not gonna
Speaker 1: turn your back on her. But for whatever reason, people
Speaker 1: look at online dating and it's like, oh no, it's trash,
Speaker 1: it's gett oh, I know it can. The goal doesn't
Speaker 1: the pool doesn't change. That's the issue that I'm having.
Speaker 1: It's you. You see, you're kind of seeing the same,
Speaker 1: the same and the same. Like one guy every I'll
Speaker 1: delete the app and I'll come back and then he'll
Speaker 1: call me, I see you back on the appelock like
Speaker 1: you're block for me. I have a I have a
Speaker 1: cause for me. Right, I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 1: Being a man my whole life and being around certain
Speaker 1: caliboris and right, and you know, being around certain calibers
Speaker 1: and men, different calibornis of men. I just think that
Speaker 1: men who go on line the data widows like this.
Speaker 1: For me, it's just in my mind, say my mind,
Speaker 1: stay that I believe that ninety percent. It might be
Speaker 1: one percent that just you know, a board and they said,
Speaker 1: let me just see what's going on here, But I
Speaker 1: think that ninety percent of the men that go on
Speaker 1: these they at a widows. I just can't see no
Speaker 1: man saying I'm gonna just meet up with somebody. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna try to find somebody on line let me see,
Speaker 1: because I can't. I just can't see it. So that's
Speaker 1: what it is. Like. I have this notion in my
Speaker 1: mind that the dudes on his widows. I wouldn't say weird,
Speaker 1: though I slightly agree with you. I wouldn't say weirdows.
Speaker 1: But I do feel like the men that date online.
Speaker 1: I like alpha men, and I feel like the men
Speaker 1: that date online are typically just not aggressive enough, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I prefer the traditional dating. The man comes up
Speaker 1: to me, he courts me, you know, and all. I
Speaker 1: love all of that interaction, and I like the aggressive,
Speaker 1: you know, the aggression. So I think I've never I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever found an aggressive men or an
Speaker 1: alpha mao that I've connected with online at all. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: nazis tory. Since you started talking, I'm so glad you.
Speaker 1: Conversation that means that you're polly. Relationship includes a man
Speaker 1: or two men or women, Like, what's the makeup here?
Speaker 1: The makeup for my dynamic is one man and two women.
Speaker 1: But me and the other woman. We are not romantically
Speaker 1: with each other. On second Oh okay, wait so he's
Speaker 1: got two women? Yes, yes, anyway, we approaching he did?
Speaker 1: Did he already have this just you know, start from
Speaker 1: the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. My dynamics really crazy though, so
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to make it sure that's possible. First
Speaker 1: of all, he's my high school sweetheart. We've known each
Speaker 1: other style was spourteen years old, so he knows me
Speaker 1: in and out. And a lot of people think that, oh,
Speaker 1: he must have convinced you for this type of No,
Speaker 1: I was interested in this dynamic prior to me and
Speaker 1: him get back together. We haven't been together in you know, years,
Speaker 1: and I was interested in this dynamic honestly when I
Speaker 1: wanted to start a family, and I my tape on
Speaker 1: it is sometimes he's really selfish to really require everything
Speaker 1: that you need from a partner from one person. You know,
Speaker 1: we we we're in this world now where it's like
Speaker 1: your partner has gotta be your best friend, you're a counselor,
Speaker 1: your dad, your mom, your friend, your you know, your teammate.
Speaker 1: It's so many things and so much pressure that we
Speaker 1: put on own person, and it's like, well, what when
Speaker 1: do they have time to be their own individuals? Though?
Speaker 1: When do they have time to put themselves first and
Speaker 1: really be honest and truthful about their wants? And that's
Speaker 1: just really what had me interested in the whole lifestyle.
Speaker 1: I don't believe in putting all of my requirements that
Speaker 1: I need to be puffilled in just one person. And
Speaker 1: you don't do you think? You don't think that they
Speaker 1: should put the same pressure on you as well? Um? Absolutely,
Speaker 1: Because I'm gonna tell you now, I sometimes I like
Speaker 1: to be left alone. And that's just that's what it is,
Speaker 1: you know, and my right? Is it right for me
Speaker 1: to deny my partner because you know what, Bay, today,
Speaker 1: I don't I don't want to be I don't want
Speaker 1: to talk. I don't want to I want to be
Speaker 1: left alone or I want to be you know, in
Speaker 1: my thoughts, or I want to go and do this,
Speaker 1: but this is not something I like. I'm an arius,
Speaker 1: so I like adventure and you know, I like to
Speaker 1: jump off planes and stuff. He don't really necessary like that?
Speaker 1: Is it fair that I really got to force him
Speaker 1: to really do certain things that are kind of out
Speaker 1: of his character just because I want to do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's gonna do it because he loves me, But is
Speaker 1: it fair? I don't wanna. I don't want to put
Speaker 1: pressures on my partner to make him feel like I
Speaker 1: have to do things where I'm obligated to do things
Speaker 1: because I'm your partner. So how does that work? On
Speaker 1: the flip side though, Like, are you if you want
Speaker 1: to go and jump out the plane? Do you go
Speaker 1: and find someone to jump out the plane with you?
Speaker 1: And it is be okay with that because he has that,
Speaker 1: he has the other side being fulfilled, But are you
Speaker 1: having the other side be fulfilled? Before you answer that
Speaker 1: sor you don't know before wait before you answer that, right,
Speaker 1: Because That's what I'm trying to understand from the one.
Speaker 1: First of all, to be clear, I am not against
Speaker 1: this concept, right, I'm not against it right at all.
Speaker 1: So what I'm trying to understand is how does it
Speaker 1: benefit you? Because what I'm hearing is you're saying, there's
Speaker 1: two women one man, and you're not, um sexually involved
Speaker 1: romantically involved with this woman. So where is it who
Speaker 1: is going with you to jump off the plane when
Speaker 1: he's not gonna So um, when I met romantically, I
Speaker 1: did mean sexually, I should you know specified that um,
Speaker 1: as far as like with the other woman, there's a friendship,
Speaker 1: there's a bond, there's a there might be things that
Speaker 1: he doesn't particularly like to do what she does, or
Speaker 1: being able to just bomb with a woman just in
Speaker 1: general over certain things like I'm a mother and I'm
Speaker 1: actually pregnant now, and you know, I like a woman
Speaker 1: just brings something different to a relationship. Like my best friend.
Speaker 1: Sometimes I feel like we're soul sisters. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying is so and this particular dynamic. It's not
Speaker 1: that I look for a woman to be sexual with,
Speaker 1: but I do like the bond and the connection and
Speaker 1: sharing certain responsibilities and sometimes with me and him have
Speaker 1: a disagreement, you know, hearing a woman's perspective who's not biased,
Speaker 1: because let's be real, you can't call your mom, your sister,
Speaker 1: your friend. They're all going to be biased more more
Speaker 1: than likely because they love you. They're your family, they're
Speaker 1: your friend. But you have that connection at other partner
Speaker 1: who's able to look at it and say, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe you could have handled this a little differently to me,
Speaker 1: or maybe you could have handled this a little bit differently,
Speaker 1: don you know, just it's just another another view. But
Speaker 1: I'm definitely getting fulfilled in all of those areas, whether
Speaker 1: we're sexually together or not. If we're being technical malbidos
Speaker 1: not as hard as his anyway, So pretty pretty even there.
Speaker 1: And I think I think for me, right when I
Speaker 1: listened to these conversations, right, and I have conversations because
Speaker 1: I got a lot of female friends and they talk
Speaker 1: and they ask questions. And the thing for me is
Speaker 1: the conventional relationship isn't work like it when you when
Speaker 1: you look when you look at right now, when you
Speaker 1: look at the numbers of relationships, you look at the
Speaker 1: divorce rates when you look at it, and it's base
Speaker 1: on infidelity is one of the highest rates of everything,
Speaker 1: is infidelity. Women have ideology that men are supposed to
Speaker 1: be with them and them and when, and it is
Speaker 1: not working. The idea is is really not working and
Speaker 1: and it's and it's not because it's anything that's wrong
Speaker 1: with the women or wrong with the man. Like I
Speaker 1: hear all these conversations or manages dogs. Maybe maybe we're
Speaker 1: looking at it from the point of view that doesn't
Speaker 1: make sense. Maybe monogamy is not something that's a natural thing.
Speaker 1: I think there's something that we grow into. I think
Speaker 1: as men, right, we can move towards the space where
Speaker 1: that's a possibility. As we get older, and you know,
Speaker 1: as lions, we start to settle down the pasture and
Speaker 1: all these things. But the nature of a man is
Speaker 1: not to be monogamous. Like when a man decides to
Speaker 1: be monogamous, he sacrifices, and he comproment. He does he
Speaker 1: fights against his nat yourself to be with a woman
Speaker 1: because he cares for that woman. He does a lot
Speaker 1: of things. And then when you make a mistake that
Speaker 1: goes slightly outside, you call the worst thing in the world.
Speaker 1: I have this conversation with my friends all the time.
Speaker 1: You have a man, and he's the best man for you,
Speaker 1: pays your bills, he takes you out, you hang out,
Speaker 1: you enjoy his company, does all these things. He cheats
Speaker 1: on you, he's a dog. You get rid of them.
Speaker 1: You have a friend, right that does less than that.
Speaker 1: You hang she called, you talked to him once in
Speaker 1: a while, two times a week. She don't pay no bills,
Speaker 1: she don't do nothing. And you've been friends for fifty
Speaker 1: years and you say, this is the best friend I've
Speaker 1: ever had in my life. But the man is a
Speaker 1: dog because he cheated one time, pays every bill, did
Speaker 1: everything all the ship, and you'll throw that relationship completely
Speaker 1: to the trash. It's the best friend you'll be with
Speaker 1: for fifty and sixty years and they haven't provided, not
Speaker 1: even amortional of what the relationship that you have with
Speaker 1: that man is. So if we think about it and
Speaker 1: my and my thing, what I see really is that
Speaker 1: people just rather be friends, like you, rather just have
Speaker 1: a friend because the standard of a relationship is almost
Speaker 1: impossible to completely fulfill. When you said natural, that was
Speaker 1: a real like keyword, right, And so like whenever I
Speaker 1: talk about polyamory with people, I like to kind of
Speaker 1: because it gets touchy, because you don't want to talk
Speaker 1: about spirituality and religion because it gets really sticky when
Speaker 1: you talk about it on that level. So I always
Speaker 1: kind of like to just break it down to an
Speaker 1: animalistic level. And when you just think about numbers, right,
Speaker 1: just logically speaking, when a man ejaculates, he is just
Speaker 1: ejaculating a million life spurn life forms pur ejaculation. He
Speaker 1: can ejaculate multiple times a day, which essentially means he
Speaker 1: can impregnate multiple women a day until he stopped ejaculating women.
Speaker 1: We can only give birth to one child within a
Speaker 1: twelve months calendar the year. And if we're looking at sex,
Speaker 1: it just sexis itself to be the reason for that
Speaker 1: or the purpose is to reproduce? Those numbers don't even
Speaker 1: logically match up. They don't match up. You know, how
Speaker 1: can we really read if a if a man was
Speaker 1: only supposed to be one woman for the rest of
Speaker 1: his life, we don't get periods until what thirteen years old?
Speaker 1: We stopped having him at forty Who wants to be
Speaker 1: pregnant every year for the rest of their life. But
Speaker 1: if we're trying to populate, and we're trying to grow
Speaker 1: and really make this a huge community, how how are
Speaker 1: those numbers gonna match up? If he can only pregnant
Speaker 1: one woman for the rest of his life. Well, I want,
Speaker 1: I want to tear her to jump back in here,
Speaker 1: but you know, LaToya um, you actually have to jump
Speaker 1: off um. And so you may have a perspective on this,
Speaker 1: I think I My opinion in response to what has
Speaker 1: been said both Tory and my son is that I
Speaker 1: don't disagree that some of these things may be true,
Speaker 1: but it's the lie. It's not the actual act of
Speaker 1: UM having sex with someone or choosing a certain lifestyle.
Speaker 1: It's the lie. And it's also the fact that people
Speaker 1: and you know, so I appreciate your life tory, right,
Speaker 1: because it's straight up, it's honest, it's out there and
Speaker 1: I and I know that the response because I've been
Speaker 1: in this conversation not just with my son but many people,
Speaker 1: and they say, well, you know, because when we try
Speaker 1: to tell y'all, you can't handle it. And what I say,
Speaker 1: as it was response to that is if you're gonna
Speaker 1: be a man one time of the day, you need
Speaker 1: to be a man all day long, no matter what
Speaker 1: that means, even if that means the person leaves you,
Speaker 1: even if it means that the person says, well, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna deal with it whatever it is, you can't
Speaker 1: be selfish enough to say just because you couldn't handle it.
Speaker 1: My stand is, as a man dropped down to where
Speaker 1: I started lying about what it is that I'm doing,
Speaker 1: that's my opinion. You gotta put it on the table
Speaker 1: and say this is who I am, period, and allowed
Speaker 1: the other individual to make a decision of whether or
Speaker 1: not they can live with it or not. And if not,
Speaker 1: you got to go find the people who are willing
Speaker 1: to fulfill that as whatever the standards are for your life.
Speaker 1: And that's what you know. The thing is, the reality
Speaker 1: situation is. And I'm gonna let you look. No, I
Speaker 1: want you to say something to it. But this one
Speaker 1: thing is, mothers aren't teaching that to this suns right.
Speaker 1: Mothers are saying, this is how you're supposed to be
Speaker 1: to get you a woman. You're supposed to be a
Speaker 1: good husband. They watched their mothers get rid of their
Speaker 1: father for cheating. These are things that men have watched
Speaker 1: throughout history. They haven't seen the positivity of them being
Speaker 1: honest in this regard. They haven't seen any of these things.
Speaker 1: When you come to a young boy that's seventeen, eighteen
Speaker 1: or nineteen and he started dating all these things and
Speaker 1: he wants to date another girl, and his mother like, yo,
Speaker 1: you need to be good to that girl. Don't be
Speaker 1: out there, don't be a cheaterd like your father, and
Speaker 1: all those things. That's not the mentality that a man gets.
Speaker 1: It's not it's not real men. It's not nobody sitting
Speaker 1: down with these young boys and saying, listen, brother, you
Speaker 1: need to be very honest. You can date whoever you
Speaker 1: want if you want to do all these These are
Speaker 1: not conversations that they had with men. I've been a
Speaker 1: man my whole life. These are not conversations that I
Speaker 1: mean and have with young I've had these conversations with
Speaker 1: my young brothers. And the way that they move. They
Speaker 1: move in that manner, and they have a lot of
Speaker 1: problems with especially young women, because they say, oh, these
Speaker 1: they're disrespectful. They but they're very honest and what it
Speaker 1: is that they want. They say, this is how I
Speaker 1: want to live my life. I'm dating, I'm seeing this one.
Speaker 1: And I hear a lot of times from women that like,
Speaker 1: your brothers are disrespectful, they don't care about women and
Speaker 1: all of these things. And there's a narrative being pain
Speaker 1: So a lot of people are not strong enough to
Speaker 1: deal with that narrative. A lot of men don't want
Speaker 1: to be seen as this individual. They don't want to
Speaker 1: be talked about in the negative way. They don't have
Speaker 1: the strength to be, you know, seeing They want to
Speaker 1: be seen in the light as something that's positive. So
Speaker 1: until we start rechanging trading the narrative just like women sexuality. Right,
Speaker 1: But women decide they want to have sexual a lot
Speaker 1: of women and they say a lot of men or
Speaker 1: whatever they've seen as whores and all these things. So
Speaker 1: it's not that they don't want to do it. Like
Speaker 1: you said, you, why are we being seen this? There
Speaker 1: has to be a change in narrative on both spectrums
Speaker 1: for us. Let go and then we can come back
Speaker 1: to that when we talk about changing the narrative. Conversations
Speaker 1: like this are start right because first of all, we
Speaker 1: don't normally see people who look like Tory who say
Speaker 1: this is their lifestyle. Right. When we hear about a
Speaker 1: polyamorous lifestyle, it's usually others, it is not us. So
Speaker 1: first of all, her standing up and saying, hey, this
Speaker 1: is who I am. Here are my needs, my expectations,
Speaker 1: and what I am accepting of in my relationship. So
Speaker 1: this starts that. But to kind of go back to
Speaker 1: where you were talking about my son when we talked
Speaker 1: about friends versus how you treat a man, I think
Speaker 1: it boils down to expectations. I don't expect my girl
Speaker 1: to be monogamous with me if I'm gonna relay ship
Speaker 1: with the concept doesn't even make sense. I'm just saying,
Speaker 1: obviously when you walk I'm sorry. Didn't mean to cut
Speaker 1: you off when I said this to him, So I'm
Speaker 1: glad that you were saying it. When I walk into
Speaker 1: a job that is at the Dollar Tree store, right,
Speaker 1: and I am a cashier, there's going to be a
Speaker 1: certain expectation. But if I go down the sacks fitth
Speaker 1: Avenue and get a job as a manager, there is
Speaker 1: a higher expectation from me. And so when you're in
Speaker 1: a relationship and this is your friend and y'all are
Speaker 1: not having sex or having any emotional connection, You're not
Speaker 1: going to have the same That's really true. Friends have
Speaker 1: emotional connections. Because my friends told me in the middle tonight,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna jump up the same way. I'm a
Speaker 1: call for my wife. But I'm just I know it's
Speaker 1: not the same thing to you. There's a grace that
Speaker 1: comes with friendships, and you took your point in relationships,
Speaker 1: now you don't always give. That's the problem. There's no
Speaker 1: way I acknowledge it is completely a problem. It is
Speaker 1: an issue because everyday monogamy is a choice. Every day
Speaker 1: I commit to being faithful to my husband, right he
Speaker 1: commits to being faithful to me. So that's the biggest,
Speaker 1: the biggest thing that we have to acknowledge. So when
Speaker 1: we talk about the whole idea and construct of monogamy,
Speaker 1: is it right or is it if it works for you?
Speaker 1: If it works for you. But here's here's where I
Speaker 1: want to make sure. And this is kind of too
Speaker 1: to me at this point. Not everyone is going to
Speaker 1: keep in one hundred. They're not going to say, look,
Speaker 1: I am starting to give feelings for someone else, or
Speaker 1: I'm only getting it's time to move. People don't communicate
Speaker 1: enough right, People don't communicate enough. I'm a girl who
Speaker 1: cuts bait when it's time to go right, and so
Speaker 1: in past relationships, I'm not I'm cheating for me. Wouldn't
Speaker 1: be a choice because guess what, I'm gonna leave before
Speaker 1: I have to get there. So I'm a communicator. I
Speaker 1: don't mind communicating with you and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: my son, we're good. But this is not what I need.
Speaker 1: I need more to feel fulfill. I need a different
Speaker 1: type of person, whatever it is. And so I think
Speaker 1: it boils down to the communication aspect. But we cannot
Speaker 1: expect that we're gonna hold our friends to the same
Speaker 1: standard as we are the people that were sleeping with
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to tell you, it's for me, and
Speaker 1: that's what the problem is. I think relationships don't establish friendship, right.
Speaker 1: I think relationships. I think relationships have expectations that aren't
Speaker 1: even realistic. If you're in a lifetime relationship with somebody, right,
Speaker 1: relationship is the only thing that you're supposed to do
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life, right, everything else changes.
Speaker 1: You decide, your outfit change. You gotta pass sneakers you like?
Speaker 1: You decide next in two weeks, you know, I'm getting
Speaker 1: another pis sneak. It doesn't mean that you don't like
Speaker 1: the piss sneakers you got, but you decided you seeing
Speaker 1: another pas sneakers you like. For the rest of your life.
Speaker 1: You're supposed to be one person. That individual changes, The
Speaker 1: way that you communicate changes, the things you learn about yourself,
Speaker 1: the things you learn about life change. And you're supposed
Speaker 1: to be with this one person. And if this relationship
Speaker 1: doesn't evolve, and you aren't able to say, hey, this
Speaker 1: is this is age in me. Right, And a lot
Speaker 1: of times when you grow into this relationship and you
Speaker 1: have these relationships. It's it's very hard to tell somebody
Speaker 1: that this has changed in you because you don't want
Speaker 1: to disappoint that individual. Nobody wants to disappoint somebody that
Speaker 1: they've obligated themselves to, that they've made brought into this life,
Speaker 1: So you don't want to disappoint them. So you caught
Speaker 1: in the quagmire. You're saying, you know what, how do
Speaker 1: I maintain this? How do I not maintain this? And
Speaker 1: we haven't been taught that we have from young man,
Speaker 1: from young men, from young men. I'm giving you the answer, though,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you right, young man, we were talked
Speaker 1: by older men. It's not what you do, it's how
Speaker 1: you do it. We weren't taught. They weren't having a
Speaker 1: conversation with us. They was like a man gonna be
Speaker 1: a man. Everyone. I have a husband who was taught
Speaker 1: by And when you've done with a woman, if that's
Speaker 1: not what you want to move on like you. That's
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to tell you, the average everybody, it's
Speaker 1: not the average conversation with men, because I would I
Speaker 1: had to learn throughout history, throughout my own trials and tribulations.
Speaker 1: So now I am still that in my younger brothers
Speaker 1: and my son. I have real conversations with them. When
Speaker 1: I have conversations with young girls that come to me,
Speaker 1: I have real conversations about realism of life and what's
Speaker 1: realistic expectations. I don't just say yo, because you're my
Speaker 1: cousin or you're my sister, that's gonna be this way
Speaker 1: and you should do with this. No, you're going to
Speaker 1: put up with something in relationship. You just gotta figure
Speaker 1: out who you're gonna do it with, how you want
Speaker 1: to deal with it. Things change every day, and it's
Speaker 1: not realistic for me. When you look at most relationships
Speaker 1: they have lasted, you know the sense of time, thirty
Speaker 1: forty years. They went through periods of infidelity, They went
Speaker 1: through periods of breakup, They went through furious or information
Speaker 1: to where some of them didn't even like each other
Speaker 1: for years, They didn't even want to talk to each
Speaker 1: other for years. They separated for years. There are periods
Speaker 1: of times as individuals we change, and to have an
Speaker 1: expectation that one person is going to completely satisfy you
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life, I don't know if
Speaker 1: it's realistic and unless that relationship evolves into something else
Speaker 1: unless you and that individual evolvement start to re make
Speaker 1: different dynamics of that relationship. I just don't know. It
Speaker 1: is absolutely a choice. Am I the same woman I
Speaker 1: was seven years ago when I'm at my husband? No?
Speaker 1: Is he the same man? No? Do we choose daily
Speaker 1: to relearn one another to stay committed? Yes? Right? So
Speaker 1: I think it's based on who those people are. There
Speaker 1: are some people out there who are absolutely not ever
Speaker 1: going to get down with the concept of monogamy just
Speaker 1: because they don't have to. Right, we're talking about choice.
Speaker 1: They don't have to. Like can said, oh no, I
Speaker 1: choose to sleep with this person, with that person, to
Speaker 1: be this person, not commit or whatever. But there are
Speaker 1: others who do choose to be So I don't I
Speaker 1: don't want to look at it like a right or wrong.
Speaker 1: I think there are When we think about the deeper
Speaker 1: reasons why people aren't monogamous, there's so much trauma, so
Speaker 1: much unhealed trauma walking around with individuals. Right, So when
Speaker 1: you talk about a man saying, oh, well, all I
Speaker 1: ever heard growing up was a man was going to
Speaker 1: be a man, it doesn't make it right that that
Speaker 1: was all he heard right. So if he's never seen
Speaker 1: a positive relationship, yeah, all he may know is I'm
Speaker 1: gonna dip off with this woman, with this woman and
Speaker 1: with this one. So I think the conversation starts with that,
Speaker 1: what have we learned? Who are when we come into relationships? Like?
Speaker 1: Who are you? What is that person's history? I dated
Speaker 1: someone who didn't believe a marriage. My parents been married
Speaker 1: fifty plus years. That wasn't going to work for me
Speaker 1: because I saw a marriage. I saw a union that
Speaker 1: lasted the test of time. And so when you tell me, oh,
Speaker 1: I don't believe in it because it's just a piece
Speaker 1: of paper and I know it, it it is so much more.
Speaker 1: You're not my person, right, So so, Tory are you?
Speaker 1: Are you married? No? I'm completely against signing the paper
Speaker 1: quite honestly. Um. I look at marriage UM a lot
Speaker 1: differently than that. I feel like I'm all for the union,
Speaker 1: and I feel like that union is between me, my
Speaker 1: partner and God. I just personally don't UM. I don't
Speaker 1: feel I'm not a hundred percent behind involving a third
Speaker 1: party or another party just for financial gain into my union.
Speaker 1: And that's just my you know, thought process, And it
Speaker 1: could go back to what she said about trauma. You know,
Speaker 1: I've I've just seen some really nasty things, you know,
Speaker 1: happened with with marriage and divorces and money and and
Speaker 1: all of those things. And I'm just not for it,
Speaker 1: you know. I I can't tell myself that I'm comfortable
Speaker 1: with like we talked about, like what my son talked about,
Speaker 1: what about us even of me, I may evolved in
Speaker 1: five years that to where now this relationship, this marriage,
Speaker 1: is this this union or whatever, it's not working the
Speaker 1: way that it was. I don't think it's fair that
Speaker 1: a Caucasian middle aged man has the power to tell
Speaker 1: me half of everything that you have needs to go
Speaker 1: to this person, half of everything that you built, and
Speaker 1: and and in deciding and making those decisions for me
Speaker 1: about what happens with my life and my children. That's
Speaker 1: something that I would like to keep between me and
Speaker 1: my partner and you know, me and my union. So
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not for signing the paper per se, but
Speaker 1: I am definitely for a union for sure. What state
Speaker 1: are you? And here's the thing I just want to play.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say devil advocate, but I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna play the other side of the point, what state
Speaker 1: are you in? I'm in Texas right now. Girl, listen,
Speaker 1: come and law state. How long I'm in Togethern Well,
Speaker 1: I actually just military three months ago. And like I said,
Speaker 1: we've been on and off for the past like fifteen years.
Speaker 1: You're gonna live together and have me at the same house. Well,
Speaker 1: because I'm bringing down Yeah, that happened a I'm just
Speaker 1: saying because in the state of Texas, it doesn't even matter.
Speaker 1: He becomes your common law husband after a certain period.
Speaker 1: So I hear what you're saying. I'm not in any
Speaker 1: way trying to discount or discredit what you feel and believe. No,
Speaker 1: I feel you're not at all. But yeah, like in
Speaker 1: some states, it doesn't even matter if you legally go
Speaker 1: down to the court and get a piece of paper
Speaker 1: and stand before a judge or whatever. And that's the problem.
Speaker 1: That's that that that no one should be able to
Speaker 1: make should have that power. Do you get what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: No one should have that power. And me and my
Speaker 1: relationship at all, I don't think it's right. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's fair at all. And anything that I do
Speaker 1: in my home, it's my business. You know what I mean,
Speaker 1: it's it's my business and it and it shouldn't It
Speaker 1: shouldn't mean oh, because you know, in order to get
Speaker 1: a pool, and I feel like it's just all about
Speaker 1: money and it's you know, it shouldn't be. You can
Speaker 1: only get approved for this loan if you and your husband,
Speaker 1: you know, make this certain amount of money, and it
Speaker 1: has to be. But like all of those things that
Speaker 1: come along with it, it's just to me, it's just
Speaker 1: another way that they get to have their hands into
Speaker 1: my business. And I'm just not for it at all,
Speaker 1: Like is what we're saying here. All that I think
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing is that just like the digital space
Speaker 1: now right like with technology, people are dating online a
Speaker 1: lot of what we're used to. And I agree, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna say that I think that people online are weirdos,
Speaker 1: but I understand sort of like the concept that I
Speaker 1: feel like I don't know what I'm meeting right at
Speaker 1: all on the internet, and most of the men that
Speaker 1: I know don't they're not really online like that anyway,
Speaker 1: especially not to go onto a dating app. But I
Speaker 1: also understand that just like jobs have moved to the internet,
Speaker 1: just like you know, school online school that sort of
Speaker 1: we've developed in society. So I guess when when I'm
Speaker 1: listening to what my son is saying, I'm listening to you, Tori,
Speaker 1: I feel like, is what I'm hearing that m relationships
Speaker 1: that are what we knew about the relationships is now
Speaker 1: changing because the times are changing and ideals are changing.
Speaker 1: Absolutely if we wanted, like let's be let's be kind
Speaker 1: of technical, like you know, realistic about some things and
Speaker 1: like a lot of people like to compare themselves to
Speaker 1: our grandparents and our great grant parents. My grandmother, she
Speaker 1: was the most angel angel on earth, Okay when she
Speaker 1: was alive, only being with one man, which was my
Speaker 1: grandfather her entire life. Never cheated on him, never did
Speaker 1: anything of course he did, and she took care of
Speaker 1: at home. She did everything by the book a woman
Speaker 1: was supposed to do. Even though it didn't still it
Speaker 1: still didn't stop my grandfather from going now doing what
Speaker 1: he was doing, having another kid or whatever the case.
Speaker 1: Maybe she did her part. The thing about it is
Speaker 1: when we're talking about seventy eighty years ago when the
Speaker 1: cost of living was a a fraction of what it is,
Speaker 1: and I'm living in a two bedroom apartment, right now,
Speaker 1: that's over fifteen hundred dollars a month. That was not
Speaker 1: the case eighty years ago. Unfortunately, it's a little bit more.
Speaker 1: It's like when the cost of living kept going up,
Speaker 1: um expectations kept going up, but they still was trying
Speaker 1: to you know, spoon feed are black men or are
Speaker 1: men period or how to get those same opportunities, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: what the cost of living is going up, I need
Speaker 1: more money, I need more income. We but man is
Speaker 1: still not making an average the amount, you know, the
Speaker 1: same amount of money as are our other parts. They're
Speaker 1: just not. So we're looking at eighty years ago when
Speaker 1: a man was able to financially take care of a household,
Speaker 1: a household by himself without his woman working, it was
Speaker 1: a lot easier than was compared to now two thousand
Speaker 1: and twenty one. Unfortunately, the way that life is now,
Speaker 1: you do kind of need more than one, you know,
Speaker 1: income in the household majority of the time. And if
Speaker 1: I'm a woman and I gotta I'm not saying I'm
Speaker 1: in there and I gotta pay ranting all other bills.
Speaker 1: Of course he's still gonna do all that, but there
Speaker 1: still needs to be some type of financial you know,
Speaker 1: you input from the woman period in two thousand and
Speaker 1: twenty one. Now, I don't want to do that and
Speaker 1: be the only person cooking and be the only person
Speaker 1: cleaning and being the only ones having care of kids,
Speaker 1: watching the clothes. Women these days are straights. They are
Speaker 1: stressed out, they are mentally unstable, and that's just what
Speaker 1: it is. I listened to a lot of women these days,
Speaker 1: and they are depressed. They feel like they are not
Speaker 1: meeting their mark because they're not their grandmother's. They're not
Speaker 1: doing they're not meeting the market. They're great and grandrdmothers.
Speaker 1: We're making it. So they feel like they're not a woman,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. They feel like they're less
Speaker 1: than and it's like, I don't want all that pressure.
Speaker 1: I don't want all that pressure for that if I
Speaker 1: know that I like to work, actually, I like to
Speaker 1: contribute and do these certain things. So I shouldn't be
Speaker 1: looked at as less of a woman because I want
Speaker 1: to share some of those responsibilities across the board. You know,
Speaker 1: I agree. I just think for me, just when I
Speaker 1: when I think about relationships, right, I have a lot
Speaker 1: of conversations with people about that is especially a lot
Speaker 1: of elders and the narrative that that's being painted that
Speaker 1: everything when you look at relationships and they said, I've
Speaker 1: been together fifty years and this whole narrative that everything
Speaker 1: was good and nobody had it's not realistic. Like a
Speaker 1: lot of them been together and got two and three
Speaker 1: kids with other people. They there's been so much stuff
Speaker 1: that's that's been taken out of the fifty years that
Speaker 1: we just look at that and say it can be done,
Speaker 1: and it's not being it's not being told in the
Speaker 1: proper perspective, right, And and a lot of like she said,
Speaker 1: there was a there was a different mentality before, Like
Speaker 1: there was mentality women were saying, I'm not my husband
Speaker 1: and my husband be here, he's gonna do this. Like
Speaker 1: when I used to have conversation with my grandfather. To
Speaker 1: be honest, I've never seen a man cheat like I've
Speaker 1: never I've never seen my father cheat on my mother.
Speaker 1: That was never a thing my mother to this day
Speaker 1: to tell you that she she never saw my father cheat. Right,
Speaker 1: I never seen my grandfather cheat on my grandmother. But
Speaker 1: my me and my grandfather would have conversations and he
Speaker 1: would be like a man gonna be a man. You
Speaker 1: just gotta do. When my grandfather came home every night,
Speaker 1: he paid all the bills, He took him my grandmother
Speaker 1: whatever she needs. And when he what he did on
Speaker 1: his weekends when he was out all day, I don't
Speaker 1: know what he did. He would take me to work
Speaker 1: with him sometimes when he was hanging up with My
Speaker 1: grandmother didn't call him, and that we didn't have cell
Speaker 1: phones back then. She wasn't involved. It wasn't nothing. He
Speaker 1: came home on his weekends. That was his time. He
Speaker 1: was nine to five. He came home, and his weekends
Speaker 1: he hung up with his friends or whatever he did
Speaker 1: came She said, A man gonna be a man as
Speaker 1: long as he This is my grandmother told me as
Speaker 1: a woman. And they were together for over thirty plus
Speaker 1: years before they both passed away, like six months after
Speaker 1: each other. And they and they and they and they
Speaker 1: carried on so and and and and throughout history. The
Speaker 1: relationships that I know, that's what's happened is not this
Speaker 1: quote unquote we live happily of after I say all
Speaker 1: the time, women want the title of a wife, women
Speaker 1: want the title of a relationship, but they don't want
Speaker 1: the reality of it the reality that comes with you
Speaker 1: being with a certain caliber man. You're being with a man,
Speaker 1: you don't want to deal with the ups and downs
Speaker 1: of it. You just want the grass is green park.
Speaker 1: And it's not realistic. And when you have comes with men,
Speaker 1: which I do all the time, they're either gonna they're
Speaker 1: lying to women trying to make them believe certain things
Speaker 1: because they don't want them to know certain things, or
Speaker 1: they're telling the truth that you know. It's not it's
Speaker 1: not realistic. So I'm just trying to figure out where
Speaker 1: do we get to a space where men are able
Speaker 1: to sit down and we can really talk about what
Speaker 1: relationships that are going to be fruit food that are
Speaker 1: gonna be both everybody's gonna agree upon. Everybody's gonna come
Speaker 1: to a space of understanding each other, the nature of
Speaker 1: a man, nature of women, and things that we require,
Speaker 1: things that we require, and we're gonna do it right
Speaker 1: without every conversation as men of dogs, Oh he cheated up.
Speaker 1: Every day you we find out our best rate, We
Speaker 1: find out the best relationships that we thought was the
Speaker 1: best relationship in the world. We come on TV and
Speaker 1: we follow out, Oh he was cheating on them. Oh
Speaker 1: this one was cheating on and we keep hearing this
Speaker 1: the same narrative over and over and over. So when
Speaker 1: do we gonna say, Okay, these are just not bad
Speaker 1: men we talk about in history like I don't. I
Speaker 1: am not a woman, even though I work with women
Speaker 1: and help them date in a very different space, I
Speaker 1: don't believe that. I don't believe that all men are cheaters.
Speaker 1: I don't believe that men are dogs. I have never
Speaker 1: said that, and I'm not saying that you said that,
Speaker 1: but I'm just you know, there are women out there
Speaker 1: who do not believe that. Okay. Secondly to your point
Speaker 1: about when are we going to have these conversations and
Speaker 1: and when can a man just be honest? It's about
Speaker 1: communicating from the jump, because if you are to look
Speaker 1: at your friends and you say, okay, so you met
Speaker 1: girl a maybe he met her at a bar. Right,
Speaker 1: we'll take online dating out of it. He met her
Speaker 1: at a bar. She's cute, she's nice, she's lovely. He
Speaker 1: is going to because he wants something from her. He's
Speaker 1: going to tell her everything she wants to hear right
Speaker 1: when he knows, sincerely and in his heart, he's not
Speaker 1: really trying to be in a relationship. He's not trying
Speaker 1: to settle down, he's not in a place where he's
Speaker 1: even ready for a relationship. But because he wants what
Speaker 1: he wants, he's gonna spend game and give her whatever
Speaker 1: she wants to hear. So it starts there, why can't
Speaker 1: he communicate it? Look, I'm not in a place to
Speaker 1: actually give you a relationship. I think you're fine, I
Speaker 1: think you're hot. Um, if you're down with it, because
Speaker 1: surprisingly there are women who be like, oh, I'm down
Speaker 1: with it. I'm that's cool. Thank you for honoring my
Speaker 1: feelings enough to tell me what it is and what
Speaker 1: it want versus him lying is literally you ain't gotta lie,
Speaker 1: cred Like it boils down to that, like you don't
Speaker 1: have to lie. You'll be so surprised at how many
Speaker 1: women out there are able to handle those kind of
Speaker 1: conversations because at least you gave me a choice. Cheating
Speaker 1: removes my choices. That you cheating, that you remove my choices.
Speaker 1: So I just want you to know that there are
Speaker 1: women who think very progressively when it comes to relationships
Speaker 1: in dating, Like it's not the that's that's so young,
Speaker 1: Like all men are ing no They're not all men
Speaker 1: are dogs. Know, if you look statistically, women probably cheat
Speaker 1: more than men. Agree, right, we we we cheat, We
Speaker 1: just do it differently. We don't get caught. We don't
Speaker 1: go blasting and talking to our home girls at the
Speaker 1: beauty shop about oh I was cheating with it. No,
Speaker 1: it's it's just a different kind of way. It's a
Speaker 1: different way that it's done. I think there are a
Speaker 1: lot of things that unfortunately, uh, we all, um, we
Speaker 1: have ideals that are just not true, right about what
Speaker 1: women think or what men are going to do and
Speaker 1: what they're not going to do. And I always say,
Speaker 1: um to my son, we should stop saying women don't
Speaker 1: like this that, or men are gonna do because it's
Speaker 1: not true that all of anything exactly. It's that there
Speaker 1: are some women who can't handle true. There are some
Speaker 1: men who lie rather than telling the truth. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I think you made one point, um mi, set I
Speaker 1: think is true that women will say he's a dog
Speaker 1: or whatever because they see how you know, a young
Speaker 1: man is sleeping with this one or that one and
Speaker 1: has lots of relationships. But I submit in this conversation
Speaker 1: that it's not actually the problem. The problem isn't that
Speaker 1: the man is has multiple women. Excuse me for not
Speaker 1: you know, oftentimes, like when I'm trying to think through
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, I want to make sure that it's
Speaker 1: it's being stated properly, So excuse my all over the place.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's that. I think if you talk
Speaker 1: to those women and you listen to the backstories of
Speaker 1: the things that these younger men who are who my
Speaker 1: son may be talking to, and other men are counseling
Speaker 1: them about a different way to do it, they're doing
Speaker 1: a bunch of other bullshit, right, There's a bunch of
Speaker 1: lies and and and and and and and just um,
Speaker 1: you know, just just nasty things that the men are
Speaker 1: also doing that's mixed up in this whole idea that
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to just be with one woman woman.
Speaker 1: And I think if we're honest about it, and you
Speaker 1: peel back the layers of their behavior, the immaturity, the
Speaker 1: the you know, the all the things that go along
Speaker 1: with it, um, you will find that the problem is
Speaker 1: not the multiple women. It's the it's the way in
Speaker 1: which people are actually going about living and operating in
Speaker 1: their truth and in their because that's how to do
Speaker 1: it is it's raggedy. Raggedy's raggedy way they speak to women,
Speaker 1: the way that they you know, just certain things that
Speaker 1: they're doing it it hurts people's feelings. So the issue
Speaker 1: is not so much that we need to be open
Speaker 1: enough where we can see other people. The problem comes
Speaker 1: down to how you go about operating in that space.
Speaker 1: And I think that's what I think now. I don't
Speaker 1: know all of the details of the relations or the
Speaker 1: people that my son knows, or that your relationship tory
Speaker 1: or whatever. I can't speak to it because I don't know,
Speaker 1: but I would amact just based upon my knowledge of
Speaker 1: guys who you have multiple women that what often happens
Speaker 1: is the benefits of what they can get from a
Speaker 1: woman from lying about whether they are in a monogamous
Speaker 1: relationship mean more to their narcissism than for them to
Speaker 1: be able to sit down and say, because I am
Speaker 1: now telling you that I am seeing other people, you
Speaker 1: may not be available all the time. You may not
Speaker 1: financially help or support or do things. You may not
Speaker 1: be working as hard for me. You may be you
Speaker 1: know things are going to change, and because many people
Speaker 1: want to maintain the benefits of the relationship. They will
Speaker 1: lie so that they don't lose anything because they are
Speaker 1: unable to commit fully on the other side, and that
Speaker 1: I think for for most women, like for me, that
Speaker 1: would be a problem for me. If we're gonna be
Speaker 1: honest about it, be a hundred percent honest, and then
Speaker 1: understand that I now can make choices that don't necessarily
Speaker 1: benefit you as much as they did in the exactly
Speaker 1: exactly there's two things that you said that I think
Speaker 1: are so important for that people should take away, and
Speaker 1: I totally agree with it. It's you know, on this
Speaker 1: side of the spectrum, its like you just said, you
Speaker 1: have the man has to be completely honest because it's
Speaker 1: about giving and taking away that choice from that woman, right.
Speaker 1: And then on the step on the flip side about it,
Speaker 1: you know, some women having that thought process of men
Speaker 1: are dogs. Like you said, it's not about the multiple women,
Speaker 1: it's like it's the other stuff that come along with it.
Speaker 1: Is exactly what you said. My grandmother used to always
Speaker 1: tell me this, when when a woman is happy, when
Speaker 1: you're fulfilling everything, you know, automother Nixon, she's really not
Speaker 1: interested in caring about going through your phone. Of course,
Speaker 1: it wasn't a phone that being, But you get I'm
Speaker 1: translating into now times. We're not going through your phone,
Speaker 1: I'm not checking your emails and doing all that. I
Speaker 1: don't have a time. I'm too busy and happy in
Speaker 1: mala land that I really don't have a time or
Speaker 1: interest even want to look for something that could mess
Speaker 1: up my happy You get what I'm saying. But when
Speaker 1: you're a man and you ain't yeah, yeah, your woman
Speaker 1: ain't even happy because you ain't doing a B and C.
Speaker 1: Now she got more time on her hands and she's
Speaker 1: looking at Okay, well you ain't even doing a B
Speaker 1: and C. So how dare you even have the audacity
Speaker 1: to want to have a relationship or do anything with
Speaker 1: another woman that that makes no sense to me? Make
Speaker 1: sure I'm good over here, and I don't, And then
Speaker 1: I don't care what you know. I'm i I'm my
Speaker 1: questioning that I don't care. I'm happy over year, bills
Speaker 1: just paid, children are happy, you know, the home is
Speaker 1: being fulful, everything's good. So that that both of those
Speaker 1: things that you said, I think are two important things
Speaker 1: are why relationships are going the way that they are
Speaker 1: right now. This conversation made me feel like I'm gonna
Speaker 1: continue to be single. I think, I know all. I
Speaker 1: want to go on record and say, are there some
Speaker 1: weird people out there in the dating space, yes, or
Speaker 1: some of online? Absolutely? Are there nice, normal, good people
Speaker 1: out there looking for relationships who maybe are not going
Speaker 1: out to the clubs, not going to the social events,
Speaker 1: don't have time. Maybe they're building their business. So for
Speaker 1: them it makes sense because I can go grocery shopping
Speaker 1: for a mate on my phone. Yes, yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: So I don't want you to just throw the whole
Speaker 1: dating concept away, especially not the online because I know
Speaker 1: this conversation has gone super duper deep. But there are
Speaker 1: I listen, I've coached ladies who have gotten married two
Speaker 1: men that they've met online. I have two cousins that
Speaker 1: they online and they well, one of them is happy,
Speaker 1: the other one, you know, it's questionable, but so we
Speaker 1: have Yeah. So that's the thing. It's like, just no,
Speaker 1: and I mean, if we can get down to the
Speaker 1: like mirror, you might meet what you actually are out
Speaker 1: there in those dating streets, whether it's online or whatever. Um,
Speaker 1: but just just not to give it the negative convertation
Speaker 1: of like, oh, everybody who goes online is a weirdo.
Speaker 1: I'm not a weirdo. My husband wasn't a weirdough. There
Speaker 1: are interesting people out there, but there are also good
Speaker 1: people who use it as a method to meet people
Speaker 1: that they would not ordinarily have interacted with. So that's
Speaker 1: my two cents on that. I just I just wanted
Speaker 1: to um say something. You said something right about You know,
Speaker 1: a lot of men get about men. Some men get
Speaker 1: into relationships or meet women and they know they don't
Speaker 1: want to be in this relationship, but they want to
Speaker 1: tell them all these things, and that's a process that
Speaker 1: that is. Those things happen. But they are also men
Speaker 1: who get in relationships and actually want something right. They
Speaker 1: actually think that they want to be with this thing,
Speaker 1: and as time goes on, it doesn't work right, It
Speaker 1: doesn't work what they thought was gonna work with you.
Speaker 1: It just just doesn't work for them. And then they
Speaker 1: come to the process and they mind. They said them,
Speaker 1: how do I say this? How do I transfer this?
Speaker 1: How do I don't want to hurt with this person?
Speaker 1: Because I thought this and that and these those things
Speaker 1: happen as well a lot of women. Women, A lot
Speaker 1: of women think that men get into relationships with the objective.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get over on you and I'm
Speaker 1: trying to just be No. That doesn't always happen. I
Speaker 1: know a lot of different situations with men I'm friends.
Speaker 1: I know they were dating some chickens, like yo, I
Speaker 1: like this chick next thing, you know, the chickens. All
Speaker 1: you know a a day she called him a thousand towns
Speaker 1: is the fight this and that turns into okay, damn.
Speaker 1: I thought it was good and and then it changes.
Speaker 1: Think that nic asking that they communicate the change. I
Speaker 1: completely acknowledge what you're saying about feelings change. People change. Right,
Speaker 1: You're getting something and it might be more than what
Speaker 1: you thought it was or what you could actually handle
Speaker 1: at that time. The problem comes in when they don't communicate,
Speaker 1: when they say hey, when you say that, right, and
Speaker 1: it's very it's a lot easier said than done, Queen,
Speaker 1: because I've had hard conversations and so I have of
Speaker 1: my daughter's father. Okay, I have left before your relationship.
Speaker 1: So I've had hard conversations when a relationship didn't serve me.
Speaker 1: So I hear what you're saying. We say it's easier
Speaker 1: said than done. But because I've had to have those conversations.
Speaker 1: I still say it's worth it, because what do I
Speaker 1: look like eighteen years later, staying with my ex just
Speaker 1: because oh we have a kid, and oh no I
Speaker 1: had to choose me. I was just trying to say
Speaker 1: she was this, that she was in me for. I
Speaker 1: don't care if the conversation everything not hard. Sometimes they do.
Speaker 1: You know, some people think I'm a bit I don't
Speaker 1: know if the worry. Maybe it's abrasive or something, or
Speaker 1: lack some some money that said I lack empathy. I
Speaker 1: don't think it's that. But it's like you said, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna choose me. Used to women choosing themselves right there.
Speaker 1: Used to us being the nurturers and we're gonna take
Speaker 1: care everybody. I choose me every single everything, every single
Speaker 1: But if you're not as crazy, it took a toxic
Speaker 1: as relates. Sorry, I don't know if even curse. It
Speaker 1: took a toxic relationship for me to get to this
Speaker 1: unapologetic version of me. You know, it took the oh,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like my grandmother for so many years,
Speaker 1: so I'm just gonna lay down and whatever men do, whatevery,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just gonna take it, and I'm just
Speaker 1: supposed to still look happy and smile. And then it took.
Speaker 1: It took my daughter's father, which was the worst relationship
Speaker 1: I've ever had in my life. It always refers to
Speaker 1: that relationship as like the whole metamorphosis, metamorphosis process of
Speaker 1: a caterpillar to a butterfly. I don't know if you
Speaker 1: God is familiar, if you're listening, you're not. When a
Speaker 1: caterpillar goes into the cocoon, it literally liquefies itself and
Speaker 1: consumes itself, and then when it you know, that's when
Speaker 1: it rebuilds itself to a completely new insect, which is
Speaker 1: a motterfly. And that is literally what happened to me
Speaker 1: from that relationship and ever since then, that's when I
Speaker 1: really was like, Okay, I think polyamory is for me.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do I'm gonna do life the way I want,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to require the things I require, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna always pick me before you know. Of course,
Speaker 1: not for your kids or something like that, but you know,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna always kick me in. I don't think
Speaker 1: I can change that. What do you think do you
Speaker 1: think that men have the same grace. You think when
Speaker 1: men make that decision that they are looked upon the
Speaker 1: same as when women make that decision. No, they're definitely
Speaker 1: I think I think in relationships, right, most of the time,
Speaker 1: when when men leave a relationship or step outside or
Speaker 1: the side, men are demonized for that. Like you know
Speaker 1: what I'm going, I'm not I'm not dealing with that boom.
Speaker 1: I don't give I don't care about none of that.
Speaker 1: I'm just going, I'm choosing me. I don't think period
Speaker 1: compared to women. If I'm being technical, it's just the truth.
Speaker 1: I don't think men get as much grace as women
Speaker 1: at all across the board. That's just my just the answer.
Speaker 1: I think the answer um because I agree. I think
Speaker 1: men do get demonized for choosing them, right, I definitely
Speaker 1: agree with that. But I also believe that time heals
Speaker 1: all whom you know. I believe that over time, the
Speaker 1: more consistent you are as a friend, as a father,
Speaker 1: as a whatever, whatever, you know, whatever the role is,
Speaker 1: that over time people will begin to come around everybody
Speaker 1: in the family too. And of course if you just
Speaker 1: if you are dealing with a bitter situation, you just
Speaker 1: it is what it is, but if not, people will
Speaker 1: begin to come around to the idea that you know what,
Speaker 1: now we are a new thing, new unit or new
Speaker 1: in a new space. And perhaps and I think, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't know myself. I don't want to speak you,
Speaker 1: but I would assume that you're saying that if there's
Speaker 1: a man, a friend, or somebody who noticed as well,
Speaker 1: I want to be in a polly relationship. It's not
Speaker 1: that easy for a man to start that conversation because
Speaker 1: once you do, then it's like, oh, see, all men
Speaker 1: you know just want to cheat. I just want what
Speaker 1: is this? So I can see how it's not the
Speaker 1: easiest thing to do. But I believe at least it's
Speaker 1: become it's become more apparent to me over time that
Speaker 1: regardless of what everybody else may feel, the more honest
Speaker 1: we are, the better the results of it later. So
Speaker 1: it's even you're gonna get the ship at the beginning
Speaker 1: or at the end, and then I love that you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, and I would prefer I like that.
Speaker 1: I would prefer the ship of working through it in
Speaker 1: the beginning, getting on the same page about what it is,
Speaker 1: so that you can have sort of like a smoother
Speaker 1: smoother because life is life. There's gonna be us and downs,
Speaker 1: but a smoother transition towards the end. And I do
Speaker 1: think that I think my son is a percent right
Speaker 1: the ways in which we have been taught. We live
Speaker 1: in a patriarchal society, that we have been taught certain
Speaker 1: things that are not good for any of us. And
Speaker 1: patriarchy does not mean just men. It means that women
Speaker 1: and men have ideals and and and operate within a
Speaker 1: certain particular, particular mindset that really, for us as black people,
Speaker 1: wasn't even established by us. It was established by white
Speaker 1: folks and the ways in which they see the world.
Speaker 1: And we have operated in that and have perpetuated the
Speaker 1: patriarchy against one another and in our internal relationships. So
Speaker 1: perhaps anogamy is um is not natural if you will.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's not just natural for men. I
Speaker 1: think it may not be not not natural for humans
Speaker 1: in general. But the end result for me comes down
Speaker 1: and the reason why I am very concerned about the
Speaker 1: idea of even saying, oh, I'm in a relationship and
Speaker 1: a marriage and all of that is because the the
Speaker 1: lack of honesty that we all have the nature, the
Speaker 1: natural instinct to lie, wanted to to try to um uh,
Speaker 1: to try to get around dealing with with whatever facing
Speaker 1: whatever our truth is head on. It's too it's dangerous.
Speaker 1: It scarves me on the down low with men who
Speaker 1: are unwilling to say I am who I am and
Speaker 1: I think you know and as i'm I'm thinking about
Speaker 1: and it's coming to me. This is also a problem
Speaker 1: in that area because the same rules apply that people
Speaker 1: who are gay or feel like they may be trans
Speaker 1: or whatever are unable to communicate the truth because once
Speaker 1: they say who they are to the world, they become demonized,
Speaker 1: They become look that funny they be called. They called
Speaker 1: names that they you know, if it's not they're not.
Speaker 1: They don't feel comfortable. So therefore they lie their way
Speaker 1: through some of them and it ends up harming people
Speaker 1: and tearing down families. So for me, I just I
Speaker 1: just want the part for me in my life. I
Speaker 1: just want to try to figure out how do we
Speaker 1: start to make it more normal for people to tell
Speaker 1: their truth. I agree, I think it's fact for conversations
Speaker 1: like these, and we're holding your judgment because nobody tories happy.
Speaker 1: It's the people outside who have something to say about
Speaker 1: tories lifestyle. Right, So we're telling our judgment because it's
Speaker 1: like the old school. If you like it, I love it.
Speaker 1: If that works for you, I'm rooting for you. Send
Speaker 1: me an invitation to the baby show. We're like, because
Speaker 1: it's your life. It's not my place to put myself
Speaker 1: in there. I'm a rock with how I'm looking over here.
Speaker 1: But you do you And I don't think that a
Speaker 1: lot of people take that mindset. There's so much like, oh,
Speaker 1: what Tomika doing, what's her situation over there? What my sons?
Speaker 1: You're in everybody else's business? Exactly? Thank you social media.
Speaker 1: The reality of it is that people base their life
Speaker 1: based on other people's opinions. Right, Yeah, So it's it's
Speaker 1: it's hard. It's not just okay, that was that was
Speaker 1: you got one. That's because more often than not, right,
Speaker 1: there are man, they are women that are living in
Speaker 1: polyamious relationships that they know it is and they're operating
Speaker 1: in that same space already. Right, But the fact that
Speaker 1: you want to touch the nerve with that you might
Speaker 1: and the fact that they acknowledge it and one of
Speaker 1: their girlfriends who might say, oh you stupid girl, and
Speaker 1: that's the same girl that's telling you that her man
Speaker 1: is how he's sucking everybody, and she know it. And
Speaker 1: she ain't trying to mean that's not Polly, is it.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying, I understand it's not. It's not
Speaker 1: it's not under the same guys as Polly, but the
Speaker 1: reality of situation he is. She is a hundred cent
Speaker 1: aware that her husband is having extra marital relationships outside
Speaker 1: of their home, and she's comfortable with that. Will come
Speaker 1: to you and tell you that you stupid if you
Speaker 1: deal with a polyamorous or your husband or my man
Speaker 1: would never be able to say that. But you know
Speaker 1: that he got five or six chicks that he see
Speaker 1: from here and then he come home to you and
Speaker 1: it's the end. They of no benefit to you. None
Speaker 1: of these chicks off in any bad So it's just
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to say, These things been happening, Like
Speaker 1: I see that I forgot. It's this lady that's on
Speaker 1: lie and she's I think she's like older. I don't
Speaker 1: know where she comes from, but it's a black lady.
Speaker 1: And she was talking about it, and she was talking
Speaker 1: about relations sheps like these things been happening it ain't
Speaker 1: for me to tell a black man not to do
Speaker 1: it or not. I'm just telling you that they happened,
Speaker 1: and then whether you deal with it or not is
Speaker 1: on you. I'm just telling you exactly what's going on.
Speaker 1: And I think that's the space with it is for me.
Speaker 1: It's like, I know I'd be having conversations with dudes
Speaker 1: and I'll be watching dudes and it's I'm not saying nothing,
Speaker 1: but I watch I've watched dudes vives that I know
Speaker 1: it was out here cheating, talking about how my man
Speaker 1: would never be able to do this to me, and
Speaker 1: I swear I don't know what you'll be dealing and
Speaker 1: I'll just be sitting into myself, like this is not
Speaker 1: even a realistic conversation. You don't even under you don't
Speaker 1: even know who you sleep with every night, you don't
Speaker 1: and and but you you passing judgment on somebody else,
Speaker 1: and it's just not realistic. I think that's another thing
Speaker 1: we also have to start doing too. It is like,
Speaker 1: how do we get to a point where because we
Speaker 1: we now are losing babies because they can't handle someone
Speaker 1: else talking about them or saying something negative about them.
Speaker 1: And you know, we got kids, committing suicide and all
Speaker 1: these things, and it's like, how do we get to
Speaker 1: get to the point where, like she just mentioned, and
Speaker 1: I am. I was asked before I came out here,
Speaker 1: are you comfortable talking to about I don't care. Yes,
Speaker 1: I don't care where I'm at. I already know there's
Speaker 1: judgment and already know people are gonna say, but you
Speaker 1: know like that to say, I'm I'm happy with who
Speaker 1: I am in my lifestyle. And there's nothing that nobody
Speaker 1: can say, you know, to me personally to make me
Speaker 1: feel any differently. But like, how do we how do
Speaker 1: we get to that point though, to where everybody is
Speaker 1: like that or more of us are like that? Because
Speaker 1: I wasn't even like this until that toxic relationship, until
Speaker 1: I was done and just through my flag up of
Speaker 1: living my life exactly how everybody told me I was
Speaker 1: supposed to live, exactly by the book. I wasn't happy
Speaker 1: until I decided to just get rid of all that
Speaker 1: and say, you know what I'm gonna I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: my walk with God. I'm going to I'm going to
Speaker 1: live my life the way that I want to live
Speaker 1: in and be happy, and nothing that nobody can say
Speaker 1: can affect me. How do we get how do we
Speaker 1: migrate to that more? Though, I think that's one of
Speaker 1: the bigger problems we do two and three. But I
Speaker 1: want to say one thing. When I look at the
Speaker 1: scrutiny that Will and Jay to get right from whatever
Speaker 1: the dynamics is of their relationship, Yeah, it's so weird
Speaker 1: to me that you look at the level of success
Speaker 1: that they've had together, the way that they communicate, the
Speaker 1: way they've raised their kids, the select the way that
Speaker 1: they've been able to move and to understanding that they've had,
Speaker 1: and people outside who haven't been able to accomplish half
Speaker 1: one third of what they have consit there in past
Speaker 1: judgment on something that they're doing, like Will said, one
Speaker 1: of the real est thing, he said, we're having an
Speaker 1: experiment on relationship that have his person needs to have,
Speaker 1: but they don't even know how to get there. This
Speaker 1: is an experience, this is a reality of it won't
Speaker 1: look it won't look right to everybody else. We're trying
Speaker 1: to We really just trying to figure They're figuring it
Speaker 1: out as they grow, as I grow into an individual,
Speaker 1: He's going to his wife and say, hey, Babe, this
Speaker 1: is who I'm becoming. And as she grows into individuals,
Speaker 1: she's coming to her husband and say, you know what
Speaker 1: this And they're trying to find the device and that
Speaker 1: by still loving and supporting each other and raising their
Speaker 1: kids like it's a dynamic that's not been seen and
Speaker 1: it's and because we've been taught that it's not natural,
Speaker 1: it's not right, that there's something wrong with it. And
Speaker 1: for me, it's just like I don't want I don't
Speaker 1: want to live my life based on somebody else's perception
Speaker 1: of how I should live. But you know, Jada, Jada
Speaker 1: and Will are friends, and I talked to Jada often.
Speaker 1: I would say, to your earlier point, it doesn't just
Speaker 1: I'm sure right and I know, okay for me to say,
Speaker 1: it hasn't always just been you come and communicate to
Speaker 1: me and I come. And they have gone through some
Speaker 1: situations and circumstances where to come out of it, they
Speaker 1: had to be honest about where they are and figure
Speaker 1: out what does the relationship look like going forward, because
Speaker 1: it's no longer this. It now has evolved into this
Speaker 1: other thing in this other space. And again I think
Speaker 1: I just don't know that people have practiced honesty enough
Speaker 1: to be able to accomplish that. I think that the
Speaker 1: fear of what the other person might say or do
Speaker 1: gets in the way of folks being able to just say, listen,
Speaker 1: you know what I decided. You know that I don't
Speaker 1: want I'm not in the space for just being in
Speaker 1: a relationship in this moment with one person. But here's
Speaker 1: the problem that I know, or at least that I feel.
Speaker 1: It's when a woman, when a man says that the
Speaker 1: idea that he may have to deal with a woman
Speaker 1: who returns that, okay, and I also may sleep with
Speaker 1: outside people becomes an oh no, kard, Oh I can't
Speaker 1: it might be a right anything. It's hard to tell
Speaker 1: us yeah, Tori, and and the wait, wait, LaToya hasn't
Speaker 1: been in the conversation, so she's going yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so maybe she's got an opinion on this. You know,
Speaker 1: it's the honest it's the lack of honesty and transparency.
Speaker 1: For me, I do feel like a lot of relationships
Speaker 1: fail because people don't feel like they can be honest
Speaker 1: with their desires. Right, So if you're not honest with
Speaker 1: you know what, I like my nipple to be rubbed
Speaker 1: ten times a day, then you're gonna feel like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I need to go outside and get that fulfilled. Right,
Speaker 1: So when you approach your a new person, you have
Speaker 1: to just it doesn't matter if I'm gonna hurt, You'm
Speaker 1: gonna hurt you. Either you're gonna take it, You're gonna
Speaker 1: work for me, or it's not gonna work at all.
Speaker 1: But give me the opportunity. Tell me what it is
Speaker 1: that you like and dislike, so I can tell you
Speaker 1: this ain't gonna work. I'm not here for that, and
Speaker 1: then we movement, going on separate ways. But also I
Speaker 1: think that people should have the flexibility to change their minds.
Speaker 1: I think that as you grow older, you you change,
Speaker 1: or you evolved, and maybe you didn't like your nipples
Speaker 1: to be rubbed ten years ago, but you know what today,
Speaker 1: that's this is what I want. Can you deliver? Yes
Speaker 1: or no? And if you cannot, are you okay? I
Speaker 1: love you, I love you, I love our foundation, I
Speaker 1: love what we have. But if you're not, if you're
Speaker 1: if you can't fulfill this area, are you okay with
Speaker 1: me going out and getting it fulfilled? Because that is
Speaker 1: what I desire. That's what's gonna make me happy. And
Speaker 1: that's that's it, and what it is for me is
Speaker 1: like and when I'm when I'm thinking about this, right,
Speaker 1: there are a lot of women right that say they'd
Speaker 1: be in their relationships and they're skinned to tell their
Speaker 1: partners of about things they want sexual right. For a man,
Speaker 1: that is the same way. And I want to give
Speaker 1: you the comparison, right, the comparison is the same way
Speaker 1: a man is scared to tell his woman that he
Speaker 1: might want to be with another woman. Right, And and
Speaker 1: y'all say, just be honest, you know, why don't you
Speaker 1: just be honest to say this the same reason that
Speaker 1: women are in relationships that are not sexually satisfied and
Speaker 1: not telling a man that you're not doing this right
Speaker 1: and I want this done this way, and they go
Speaker 1: through years and years of doing that. It's the same,
Speaker 1: it's the same mental it's the same mentality. So when
Speaker 1: you say, why don't you just say, yo, I want
Speaker 1: to do this and that won't you just be honest
Speaker 1: you a man, Well, won't you tell that man that
Speaker 1: he ain't hit in the spot that you want to
Speaker 1: done this way and want and you want it done
Speaker 1: that way? Why you don't have that same energy that
Speaker 1: you have for us to be honest on that side
Speaker 1: and all the time saying yo, we just don't know
Speaker 1: how to say it, We don't want to say it.
Speaker 1: We just feel embarrassed the same way we feel when
Speaker 1: we want to come to you and say, yo, you
Speaker 1: know what, we might want to change the dynamics to
Speaker 1: this relationship. Just I think you have to say it
Speaker 1: like it's this is what I like. Just this is
Speaker 1: what I like, This is what I this is what
Speaker 1: I want to try, this is this would make me happy,
Speaker 1: and maybe it would soften the approach versus you're not
Speaker 1: doing a good job. Yeah, you're you're not hitting the
Speaker 1: spot like you're just you're gonna bruise an ego, you're
Speaker 1: gonna hurt a feeling. You're not here to hurt anyone's feelings.
Speaker 1: You're here to satisfy your desires. You're here to find
Speaker 1: someone that can compliment the things that you like, that
Speaker 1: you want that is also here to make you happy.
Speaker 1: So your conversational approach should be based on this is
Speaker 1: what I desire. Can you fulfill that? Yes? Or no? Yeah?
Speaker 1: It's that is that's the that's the way we're going
Speaker 1: in to say we gotta have a part to it is.
Speaker 1: We're supposed to end this like thirty minutes ago, but
Speaker 1: we was. It was such a good conversation. I'm glad
Speaker 1: that you came back up, Latoria to give that because
Speaker 1: that that right there has summed it up so well.
Speaker 1: For me, it's evolution and understanding that everyone is going
Speaker 1: to grow and change and want different things and relationships.
Speaker 1: And for me, I tell people all the time that
Speaker 1: relationships are the only thing that people want you to
Speaker 1: do for the rest of your life. There is nothing
Speaker 1: else that you're supposed to do for the rest of
Speaker 1: your life with want nothing else, nothing else in the world.
Speaker 1: So there has to be a level of grace that's
Speaker 1: like nothing else, you know, it has to be a reality.
Speaker 1: So I want to thank you, you woman for coming
Speaker 1: on your beautiful melanated queens with different perspectives and ideologies,
Speaker 1: but you're all beautiful in your own rank. And I
Speaker 1: love the confidence that you all exude. You know, it's
Speaker 1: beautiful for me. So you know, I appreciate this dialogue
Speaker 1: and being able to get, you know, get my little
Speaker 1: point of views and y'all shut me here down, here
Speaker 1: and there. But I appreciate it definitely appreciate. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Thanks everyone, right, it was nice seeing y'all. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much. Ladies little we have to have you back
Speaker 1: because you didn't get to be with us. I had
Speaker 1: so many things to tell about. Asked me about my
Speaker 1: my panty colors last night. I'm just like, listen, we're
Speaker 1: doing a party. We gotta get into absolutely maybe it'll
Speaker 1: actually be next week and we need to throw a
Speaker 1: guy in two and say this, Ubjay need to stop
Speaker 1: my partner in. He got a lot of stay, let's
Speaker 1: do it. Let's do it. Thank you all so much.
Speaker 1: All right, bye, bye y'all, bye everybody. So we have
Speaker 1: to do part one to three, four and six of
Speaker 1: this show. The conversation, Man, it's dialogue that needs to
Speaker 1: be had. It's actually, you know, thought processes that it
Speaker 1: happened every day, is reality that's happening every day. And
Speaker 1: people don't want to have these conversations because it's kind
Speaker 1: of like taboo, you know, to talk about it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's taboo, and I get it, But I think that
Speaker 1: it's not as taboo as people make it. I really don't.
Speaker 1: I think we were living in a time where it
Speaker 1: could be much more. It could be much easier than
Speaker 1: people are ready for. I think men are actually not
Speaker 1: as prepared as you all think. Some men, excuse me,
Speaker 1: are not as prepared as you all think for how
Speaker 1: more progressive women are. I think we just at this
Speaker 1: point in our lives, we just don't want to be
Speaker 1: lied to. We um we want to have equal rights,
Speaker 1: if you will, and we also want to be respected
Speaker 1: all around right in other ways. That and I think
Speaker 1: there's so much emphasis put on people having sex with
Speaker 1: other people that it gets in the way of being
Speaker 1: able to have just you know, conversations and and and
Speaker 1: deal with like like working through problems in a relationship
Speaker 1: that might not just be about infidelity. That's my opinion.
Speaker 1: I don't get it. I just don't you know what
Speaker 1: I don't get. And I was just in there thinking,
Speaker 1: I don't get why relationship communications are so hard, Like
Speaker 1: it's really it's what they are. Like you just said,
Speaker 1: we you know, men are don't realize how progressive women are.
Speaker 1: But when you have these conversations, because I have conversations
Speaker 1: with women all the time that seemed to be progressive
Speaker 1: and talk and they they the pushback from you saying
Speaker 1: a sense of reality is so it's so, and I'm
Speaker 1: a confident man. You have conversations with me. Yeah, No,
Speaker 1: but that's not that is not accurate when they tell
Speaker 1: you about the realities and men. No, it's not about
Speaker 1: the realities of relationships. Well, okay, let me zoom out.
Speaker 1: The zoom out is that you may be a hundred
Speaker 1: percent right that we all were triggered by certain things, right,
Speaker 1: because the reality is that we all have been taught
Speaker 1: things that stick with us. Right. So, so we've been
Speaker 1: taught that a man that's out there um sleeping with
Speaker 1: or you know, having certain types of relationships with other
Speaker 1: women is threatening and whatever we've you know, we've we've
Speaker 1: all been taught certain things. You know, a man don't
Speaker 1: have no respect for you if he's doing X, Y
Speaker 1: Z thing. But I think that in in most conversations
Speaker 1: and situations that I have either been a part of
Speaker 1: when we all have been debating, and or conversations that
Speaker 1: I have with other people that run much deeper and different, Right,
Speaker 1: it's the lie. It's the lie. It's when I'm talking
Speaker 1: to women oftentimes, because let me tell you something. The
Speaker 1: thing I've realized is that the men who have been honest,
Speaker 1: it might be again difficult, it might be a struggle
Speaker 1: to get through whatever, but after a while, everybody even
Speaker 1: falls in place. Everybody falls in place. I think I
Speaker 1: think that's I think that's a process. Right. It's like this,
Speaker 1: It's like going through prison ten years right before before
Speaker 1: you go to prison, right and you're like, yo, I
Speaker 1: think you don't want to go to jail. Nobody wants
Speaker 1: to go to jail. But right when you when you
Speaker 1: live a certain life and you do certain ships and
Speaker 1: jail comes, you know you gotta deal with it, right,
Speaker 1: you know, fucking I gotta deal. And after you get
Speaker 1: through the prison sense, you're like, you know what, it
Speaker 1: was tough. I did my thing. I've learned from it.
Speaker 1: It made me into a better person, and you come
Speaker 1: out with a different sense of understanding. I think that's
Speaker 1: the same thing when it comes to relationships and threshing
Speaker 1: in regard to men being honest about certain ships with women, right,
Speaker 1: because what happens is you meet women under certain pretense, right,
Speaker 1: a certain pretense, and then even when you meet women
Speaker 1: under certain pretense, you can meet a woman and say, yo,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm just we're just dating. I ain't really
Speaker 1: trying to do not serious, and the woman changed the
Speaker 1: dynamic of that. Well, okay, we're cool here, let's hang out,
Speaker 1: and after two or three months we're good. We're having
Speaker 1: a good touch of you know what, I'm trying to
Speaker 1: be serious. I'm looking for a husband. Now, now you
Speaker 1: like the woman, you like day and now you like
Speaker 1: all the ship they come with it. So now you
Speaker 1: forced into giving her either saying I need all right,
Speaker 1: I'm looking I'm trying. I want to try this. Then
Speaker 1: once you say that and you don't do it, you're
Speaker 1: a liar. So you're like, so this is what I'm
Speaker 1: trying to tell you. So you you so, But what
Speaker 1: I understand what you're saying? Right, But man, men know
Speaker 1: it's like a quagmire. It's like the person that that
Speaker 1: works at a job and they said, yo, you either
Speaker 1: got you gotta get the vaccine or you don't, or
Speaker 1: you gotta lose your job. I don't want to lose
Speaker 1: my job, right, I don't want to, But I don't
Speaker 1: really want to get the vaccine either. Right, So you're
Speaker 1: trying to move all around. You got niggas line and
Speaker 1: said you got Brett from saying I mean um a
Speaker 1: ra saying yeah, I had the vaccine because he didn't
Speaker 1: want to be received a certain way, but even want
Speaker 1: to get the vaccine, and he wanted to keep his
Speaker 1: job and he wanted to keep faith with everybody else. Right,
Speaker 1: There's it's not as easy as everybody makes it seem.
Speaker 1: It's like over funking. You don't want to get the vaccine,
Speaker 1: you just lose the job. You can work somewhere else. No,
Speaker 1: and I get it. And you're like, I didn't do
Speaker 1: all this stuff to get this job. I didn't even
Speaker 1: with the school for four eight years. I did all
Speaker 1: this ship and I got this job. And now the
Speaker 1: requirement is now you gotta get a vaccine. Right, we
Speaker 1: don't like we've been dating. We did all this ship
Speaker 1: and then you're like, you know what, either we're gonna
Speaker 1: get married or I'm gonna I'm gonna move on, or
Speaker 1: either you're gonna be with this and that it's it's
Speaker 1: it's not as simple as you may. I know that
Speaker 1: it may not be, but I think that if we
Speaker 1: want to solve for X, which is the divorce rates
Speaker 1: and the destruction of the black community, then we've got
Speaker 1: to start somewhere. And at the end of the day.
Speaker 1: We can't. We cannot have relationships that are rooted in
Speaker 1: people trying being dishonest in order to keep it going
Speaker 1: as it can. Ask your question, do you think it's
Speaker 1: dishonest right that if you you meet a man, you
Speaker 1: know that you ultimately want to get married, right, but
Speaker 1: you don't tell a man that. They tell you, look,
Speaker 1: I ain't really trying to get married, none of that ship.
Speaker 1: I've just did it. And you're like, all right, cool,
Speaker 1: we just did it. And in six or eight months
Speaker 1: down the line, don't date that you're having the best
Speaker 1: relationship if you know the Lord of men and you do.
Speaker 1: You already said you wasn't he was cool whatever he was,
Speaker 1: and then you, after eight months you decided to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I think I want to be married.
Speaker 1: If you don't want to get married, it's cool, it's cool.
Speaker 1: That's not being a liar. I'm gonna tell you why.
Speaker 1: It's not. I'm gonna tell you why. Okay, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you what the lie I explain it to you. Okay.
Speaker 1: The liars in that you said you didn't want to
Speaker 1: get married, but she never really doesn't happen. Most women
Speaker 1: they come and say, I would like to get married,
Speaker 1: But if you don't want to, that's okay. That's not
Speaker 1: going to stop me from being in this relationship. Okay.
Speaker 1: So the man knows in the back of his mind
Speaker 1: she would want to. I'm not trying to just let
Speaker 1: me finish. He knows in the back of his mind
Speaker 1: she wants you, but she said she doesn't. She knows
Speaker 1: that I'm adamantly against it. Okay, then six of mon
Speaker 1: sent to the relationship. What would be a lie is
Speaker 1: if she goes and gets married outside the relationship to
Speaker 1: somebody else and is playing games with you, using you
Speaker 1: for using the man for his house, his car, his money,
Speaker 1: his time, his sex, his whatever, and not telling him
Speaker 1: that she actually either has a husband or another relationship
Speaker 1: that she's in with somebody that does want to get married.
Speaker 1: The honest thing to do is to say, at the
Speaker 1: six month point, when you feel like I need to
Speaker 1: get married, is to come and say, hey, I have
Speaker 1: had a change of heart. I know I said when
Speaker 1: we started this that I did not want to get married,
Speaker 1: or that I was okay with us not being married,
Speaker 1: but that has now changed for me. Are you in
Speaker 1: the same space, because if not, I am going to
Speaker 1: start the process of finding who is for me in
Speaker 1: this new phase of my life. But it is not
Speaker 1: okay for her to go out behind his back because
Speaker 1: guess what he may have decided in the last six
Speaker 1: months that I would like to marry you or I'm
Speaker 1: open to it. Now. Now we can start building our
Speaker 1: credit together and thinking of things that we need to
Speaker 1: do to get ready for the proper marriage. But it's
Speaker 1: not okay for me to go and start something else
Speaker 1: and not give the person that I'm with the opportunity
Speaker 1: to understand things have changed with me. So that's what
Speaker 1: I'm talking about. The lie, it's the deceit. It's the deceit.
Speaker 1: This is what I'm trying to say. I don't know
Speaker 1: how you got to come back to that because you
Speaker 1: just brought a whole another scenario and decided that I
Speaker 1: was Excuse me, I didn't me. I did not create
Speaker 1: a scenario about it. Excuse me, I responded to us
Speaker 1: a scenario that was created for me. I didn't bring
Speaker 1: up I don't want to get married. I want to
Speaker 1: get married. Okay, So you act like you know that's
Speaker 1: not a similar situations because it's not like a man
Speaker 1: is dating you and say he don't want to get married,
Speaker 1: he's going to marry somebody else. And they said, oh
Speaker 1: I changed. Excuse me, excuse me. There are many bums
Speaker 1: out here who are in one relationship with a whole
Speaker 1: other wife and children across town or in another state.
Speaker 1: They haven't on the Lifetime movies every damn night. What
Speaker 1: I'm saying, my son, I was talking about what you said.
Speaker 1: Is it a lie when somebody says when they get
Speaker 1: with you they don't want to get married, knowing good
Speaker 1: and well, they actually do and then they lure you
Speaker 1: in and they do all the things, and didn't they change?
Speaker 1: And what I'm saying to you is that that what
Speaker 1: the problem with that scenario is that, for the most part,
Speaker 1: very similar to what you have said. It's more than
Speaker 1: likely not that they're trying to lord you win. It's
Speaker 1: that in the beginning, it seems feasible, right, it seems
Speaker 1: when you first meet a woman, a man look at
Speaker 1: you just just just hear me out. Hear me out,
Speaker 1: because I'm going with your example, so we could be
Speaker 1: on the same page. When a man first meets a
Speaker 1: woman's year one, year two, whatever y'all are hanging doing,
Speaker 1: going feeling each other. It's all good. She ain't got
Speaker 1: as many expectations, problems, arguments, this, that, all of that.
Speaker 1: I get it. It's all it's different. It's just new.
Speaker 1: It's fresh. It's like the new pair of shoes. It's
Speaker 1: the whole thing. You stunt and you fly, it's it's amazing.
Speaker 1: Right over time you say, damn, I love her, And
Speaker 1: I really was considered that this could be somebody that
Speaker 1: I don't want to sleep with nobody else because she
Speaker 1: got the good this and a good ad and a
Speaker 1: good good gush. She's all at okay. So I'm feeling it.
Speaker 1: But as time goes on, people get older, things change,
Speaker 1: Your body change. This happened, that happens. All kinds of
Speaker 1: things happen, and then you start saying the urge to
Speaker 1: go out and have some of the other things that
Speaker 1: you've learned about yourself. LaToya says the nipple rubbing, the
Speaker 1: whole thing or whatever, it may change. What I'm saying
Speaker 1: is that even if you go back to that person
Speaker 1: at that moment and say to them, hey, I've changed,
Speaker 1: you know, like you said, lower them in or whatever,
Speaker 1: I now want my nipples rubbed. I want this. I
Speaker 1: want that. I don't think that's a lie. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's a lie. I think that that is I
Speaker 1: grew or I learned, or I figured out or whatever,
Speaker 1: and now I want to do something different. I'm saying
Speaker 1: the lie is to go get your nipple rubbed by
Speaker 1: Lisa and not or Mark and not tell Laurie who
Speaker 1: you actually are with that I need Lisa now to
Speaker 1: rub my nephew. That's what I'm talking about. That's the lie.
Speaker 1: But I'm not saying we already we've already acknowledged that part, right,
Speaker 1: that the part of when you get in the relationship
Speaker 1: and you go cheat on the person outside, We've already
Speaker 1: acknowledged that that is a lie. Right, I'm talking about
Speaker 1: the content of the relationships, right, How people enter into
Speaker 1: relations I'm not talking about how would he when it
Speaker 1: gets to a place and an evolved Right, I'm talking
Speaker 1: about how people into People come into the relationship, Like
Speaker 1: women are saying, men come into relationship line, no, they
Speaker 1: don't have any real expectations of ship, right, And women
Speaker 1: come into relationship with the same thing. They lie and
Speaker 1: act like they don't have expectation what they do. So
Speaker 1: everybody is trying to trick somebody, right, everybody likes the
Speaker 1: person you look down like this dude. And I know
Speaker 1: if I say that I want to get married, it
Speaker 1: might scare him away. So I'm gonna I'm gonna play
Speaker 1: along with him, hoping that you know, eventually he'll want
Speaker 1: to get married on his own. When he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to get married on his own, then I'm gonna say,
Speaker 1: fucking I gonna try to maybe do something else right,
Speaker 1: and I might be dating. I might still want to
Speaker 1: keep him and start dating up seeing if I see something,
Speaker 1: if I see a better deal, and the NYGN trying
Speaker 1: to get married, I might go get married. That might
Speaker 1: be the mentality that women have. So what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to say is men get in relationships saying I don't
Speaker 1: want to get married, and the woman says, yo, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get married at a certain amount of time, right,
Speaker 1: And it is that that's not really what I want
Speaker 1: to do. But I'm gonna tell her that's what I
Speaker 1: wanna do. You know, I want this relationship becoming not yea.
Speaker 1: I know he was just dating and it was cool
Speaker 1: before and all the rest of the ship. I didn't
Speaker 1: care if you were seeing it, but now I care
Speaker 1: like I'm caring now, right, so everything the dynamics change.
Speaker 1: You don't want to lose that. That's what all I'm
Speaker 1: saying is what I if we go, if you enter
Speaker 1: in the relationship, when if we go back to the premise, No,
Speaker 1: because even you have said that in our lives, the
Speaker 1: things I did when I was sixteen don't work for
Speaker 1: me at right. So the only thing I'm responsible for
Speaker 1: my son is being honest that something has changed in me.
Speaker 1: That's it. The thing is that the reason why we
Speaker 1: have such a breakdown is because of exactly what Terror
Speaker 1: was saying, the lack of communication. People do not communicate
Speaker 1: their true I'm not saying that it's not on both sides.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying that there's you don't necessarily know when
Speaker 1: you start something how you're gonna be in the middle
Speaker 1: and in the possible end or later on. We don't know, right,
Speaker 1: We learn as we go. And I'm I'm only suggesting
Speaker 1: that most times men, because of some men have in
Speaker 1: their minds the preconceived notions of what they have experienced. Right,
Speaker 1: so they don't you tell this woman this or that,
Speaker 1: adding the third it could turn into this and this
Speaker 1: and that in the third But I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: I'm I'm saying to you that more women are uh,
Speaker 1: what's the word, more women are progressive in their mindset,
Speaker 1: then they're being given credit for. But they're not dealing
Speaker 1: with honest people. And what is very unfortunate is that
Speaker 1: a lot of is that a lot of our men,
Speaker 1: a lot of our men will not even admit to
Speaker 1: the fact that they just start offline. They that a
Speaker 1: lot of men. But that's what we're going to say.
Speaker 1: But that's what that's what you just said is the
Speaker 1: whole premise of my what I was saying to you, right,
Speaker 1: a lot of our would because you come from a
Speaker 1: perspective where a lot of men start off line. You're
Speaker 1: not saying that not a woman start off line. A
Speaker 1: lot of women come into a situation knowing that they
Speaker 1: want more from a man than they actually get it,
Speaker 1: and they're willing to play a role to try to
Speaker 1: lower that man to get to what they want. That's
Speaker 1: that's a lot to me. But that's not but that,
Speaker 1: But my Sonne, that's life. Myson. Listen, you start a
Speaker 1: job right as a cashier. You're not coming to the
Speaker 1: job as a cashier to stay in the cashier's rape forever.
Speaker 1: You come into the job saying I'm gonna be the
Speaker 1: best cashier I can be, because eventually I want to
Speaker 1: get on the floor, and after that I want to
Speaker 1: become a manager, and after manager, I want to become
Speaker 1: the regional manager, and then I want to go to
Speaker 1: the court. But but what But what I'm saying is
Speaker 1: they tell you, but listen, listen, listen. They might tell
Speaker 1: you the only position we have available for you as cashier,
Speaker 1: and you know what you do. You go there and
Speaker 1: you say, Okay, no problem, I'm going here and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna focus on being a cashier. But you hope that
Speaker 1: they will notice and say I can make a new
Speaker 1: position for this great cashier that we had. That's not
Speaker 1: a lie. That's aspiration. Ship, that's aspiration. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: how you can compare somebody that, in your face, is
Speaker 1: working at becoming better so that they can be moved
Speaker 1: up in the ladder in your life to somebody that,
Speaker 1: because of whatever, never tells you but goals around your back.
Speaker 1: And that's not what we're seeing. That's not what you're
Speaker 1: talking about. You keep talking about the cheating part. I'm
Speaker 1: not even talking about that. I'm talking about the dynamic
Speaker 1: of going into a relationship. I'm not talking about cheating.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about if you enter, if you enter into
Speaker 1: a relationship, right, it's just like, so, what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to tell you is if the cashier right is a
Speaker 1: niked that's dating outside, you're just dating and it you're
Speaker 1: having a good time. You don't know what you do
Speaker 1: on Wednesdays, Friday, and Saturdays. You might see him Tuesdays
Speaker 1: and Mondays. Right, dynamics him hanging with you on Tuesdays
Speaker 1: and Monday said, Look, I'm not trying to really be
Speaker 1: in a relationship. I like you be cool and you're like,
Speaker 1: all right, cool, I'm doo with that. We start dating
Speaker 1: more good that? Okay, So listen to what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: You was good with that, you're dating. He ain't lied
Speaker 1: to you. He told you so when you've come and
Speaker 1: you decided to change the dynamics because of change for you,
Speaker 1: or if you already had it or you thought you
Speaker 1: had assirations like I'm just gonna play this role because eventually, nigger,
Speaker 1: he gonna be with me because I know and I'm
Speaker 1: showing that I'm worthy of getting that's you know what
Speaker 1: that is? You know what that is? You know what
Speaker 1: that is. This is what I'm saying to you. Not
Speaker 1: enough people take responsibility for self right when we're having conversations.
Speaker 1: Our conversations is always based upon somebody else's whatever which
Speaker 1: makes us be and do. At the point that a
Speaker 1: person communicates to you that I need more or I
Speaker 1: want something different, you then have the ability to walk away.
Speaker 1: This is the problem up to you with that point
Speaker 1: to say that is not what I want, and therefore
Speaker 1: I am exiting the building at the because guess what
Speaker 1: I'm doing. I am communicating that things have changed for me.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you I now want to get married, I
Speaker 1: now want to have a baby. I now want to
Speaker 1: be in a committed relationship. I now don't want to
Speaker 1: be sleeping with everybody. I now. I'm saying that I
Speaker 1: am communicating the changes within me. But what I'm trying
Speaker 1: to tell you is one when you communicated the changes
Speaker 1: within you, after you've already created a level of stability
Speaker 1: and life for the individual, it's a lot harder. It's
Speaker 1: way harder for that individual to just say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I understand those changes, but I'm not. But life is hard.
Speaker 1: But I hear you. What I'm trying to tell you
Speaker 1: is just like the vaccine, the negative work for you,
Speaker 1: and I get it. But if you don't learn that,
Speaker 1: you don't you know what you don't learn. Just like
Speaker 1: you said, a lot of women's men don't know that
Speaker 1: until they actually go through it and you realize that
Speaker 1: I'd rather be the nigga that the chick is mad
Speaker 1: because she didn't do this or I didn't do it
Speaker 1: and I was honest with her to being a nigga
Speaker 1: that she said a lot to it, and then you
Speaker 1: you start to get to that point, and then you
Speaker 1: can you can relay that message because that's not the
Speaker 1: message that's been related. That's why I think that the
Speaker 1: whole point of this episode and the series that we're
Speaker 1: focused on, had should we we need to delve into
Speaker 1: that because the truth of the matter is that we
Speaker 1: have to take responsibility no matter how hard things are.
Speaker 1: And just because something is hard does not mean that
Speaker 1: we get to lie. We have to be honest with
Speaker 1: ourselves and the people around us about what it is
Speaker 1: that we feel. That's it and I'm and that doesn't
Speaker 1: stand for it's not Larry's job to be honest. It's
Speaker 1: not so it's the people that's in a real relationship.
Speaker 1: It's their job to be honest with one another. And
Speaker 1: when you and I think you're right, we do as
Speaker 1: women debate and switch. That's what you're talking about, baiting
Speaker 1: a man in and then switching to something different at
Speaker 1: a later time. But it is, it's it. But I
Speaker 1: think that to assume that anyone is gonna stay stagnant
Speaker 1: in the same place forever, it's it's it's foolish, just
Speaker 1: like men will some men will say it's foolish to
Speaker 1: believe that a man is only going to be interested
Speaker 1: in one woman for the rest of his life. Right,
Speaker 1: He's gonna see other things. He's gonna get excited by others,
Speaker 1: and there will be times when he's not necessarily excited
Speaker 1: by you. Of course you passed by one day he
Speaker 1: gets the whiff of the smell and be like, damn,
Speaker 1: I love my friend, partner, wife, because you know whatever
Speaker 1: it is. But I'm just saying that, no matter how
Speaker 1: difficult it is, I don't think they're people should stay
Speaker 1: in one place. I think everybody has the right to
Speaker 1: say what I was at eighteen, I'm not anymore at five.
Speaker 1: And now therefore I'm I'm communicating that they are changes
Speaker 1: that have been made. But I'm just would to say,
Speaker 1: I hear what you're saying. But it's just when you
Speaker 1: do that to a man, or when you do that
Speaker 1: to anybody, it's not easy. For It's like, you create
Speaker 1: a whole family with a person, you got kids, you've
Speaker 1: got bank accounts, and said, you know what, I don't
Speaker 1: really want to be married no more. So you need
Speaker 1: to figure out what you're gonna do. You need to
Speaker 1: figure out what you gonna do. You need to figure
Speaker 1: out what you're gonna do, because all this ship that
Speaker 1: we don't you know, y'all figure out what you're gonna do.
Speaker 1: It changed for me. If you're in a relationship with
Speaker 1: somebody in six or seven months yet to build some ship,
Speaker 1: you gotta a rhythm that all the ship going. And
Speaker 1: it's like, it's like, then this is on a trajectory.
Speaker 1: I don't know about marriage. I don't even know if
Speaker 1: I want to do that, but I know I like
Speaker 1: this person, damn, but I don't want to. I don't
Speaker 1: want to end it. For I even see if I
Speaker 1: can get to that place with this person, So what
Speaker 1: then do I do? We don't think. I just don't
Speaker 1: think that. I don't you know, maybe I'm wrong, but
Speaker 1: I I just I don't think that people just be
Speaker 1: changing in six months. That's not That's not been my experience.
Speaker 1: It usually takes time, and after a while a woman
Speaker 1: starts to put her foot down and say, Okay, we've
Speaker 1: done this already for a certain amount of years. Now
Speaker 1: I want to move on to something different. But I
Speaker 1: understand from your perspective that you're saying women are Lauren
Speaker 1: men and they you know, being monogamous for one person
Speaker 1: the whole time is not necessarily natural. It's something that
Speaker 1: can be learned behavior, but it's not natural. It's this
Speaker 1: is that all the things that I hear you saying,
Speaker 1: it means somebody like me and and and it's the
Speaker 1: reason why I see so many black women that are single.
Speaker 1: Not only are they single, many of them are now
Speaker 1: comfortably single. We have just decided that this is where
Speaker 1: we are because because if you can't even look at
Speaker 1: somebody and say I'm growing and I need these new things,
Speaker 1: and then that person be honest and communicate back with
Speaker 1: you or you can't even look for somebody not to
Speaker 1: go behind your back and do whatever they're doing. What
Speaker 1: the hell is the point. I'm not saying you can't.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I'm just saying what happens is it
Speaker 1: becomes a lot more difficult situation. I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: you shouldn't expect, Honestly, you shouldn't expect real reality and
Speaker 1: you know a level of transparency and communication, it just
Speaker 1: is a lot more difficult. And men, a lot of
Speaker 1: men don't want to deal with that difficulty, and we
Speaker 1: have to get we have to learn how to do it.
Speaker 1: You're right, it's it's a process, you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: it's the way that the way we're wire it is different.
Speaker 1: We don't want to disappoint, especially people that we care about,
Speaker 1: piss people that we love. And so a lot of
Speaker 1: times when your mind state or your ideology changes, and
Speaker 1: you understand that it's gonna affect the partner that you
Speaker 1: believe believed in you, it has put so much it
Speaker 1: around you. When that changes, it's not easy to just
Speaker 1: say that that mindset changes. But women are saying and
Speaker 1: then when you actually start being honest with the women
Speaker 1: they said, you don't give a about you don't really care.
Speaker 1: I've seen it now, you know. Then you just say
Speaker 1: anything to me. You don't even care how I feel.
Speaker 1: And the change, it's just there's so many things. It's
Speaker 1: less grace than men have to deal with, and that
Speaker 1: women have to deal with it too. So this conversation
Speaker 1: about because all day and I agree with you, I do,
Speaker 1: I agree. I think the advice that you know, I
Speaker 1: have to give myself and and all of us is
Speaker 1: that once the conversation is happening because of some drama,
Speaker 1: it's not gonna work out the way we wanted to. So,
Speaker 1: in other words, we have to figure out ways to
Speaker 1: have conversations about things in a different setting. And that's
Speaker 1: been we We usually had all of our dialogue as
Speaker 1: men with difficult conversations in the conflict. And that's what
Speaker 1: we gotta try to figure out. So that's it, and
Speaker 1: that's it. Another dope show. You gotta get too. Fart
Speaker 1: two and three. You gotta bring some more brothers on.
Speaker 1: The sister said, bring up partner. I got a couple
Speaker 1: of dudes I know could come on and have some
Speaker 1: you know, perspectives on this. Just different perspectives, but I
Speaker 1: think it's a dope, you know, a dope topic. Once
Speaker 1: again with the number one, number one podcast in the world,
Speaker 1: Street Politicians. If you've got any ideas, send them to us,
Speaker 1: as Street Politicians on on Instagram, d m us your ideas,
Speaker 1: tell us you love us, tell us you hate us,
Speaker 1: anything you want. If you have brands, please tell us.
Speaker 1: Make sure you've got a real brand, You've got a
Speaker 1: real company, organ is some ship that you can really
Speaker 1: send you something. We don't want you know, your homeboys
Speaker 1: on the corner in his cash app, We don't want that.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. We want a real business.
Speaker 1: Hit us up so we can promote yours more business
Speaker 1: on a on a platform. And once again, man, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna always be right to me. It's not gonna
Speaker 1: always be wrong, but she is most of the time.
Speaker 1: I said it again, most of the time. But we
Speaker 1: both always and I mean always, be authentic. Yeah, peace y'all.
Speaker 1: Listen to Street Politicians on the Black Effect Network on
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio and catch us every single Wednesday for
Speaker 1: the video version of Street Politicians on I Women Dot TV.