WEBVTT - John & Justine Leguizamo 0:00:14.836 --> 0:00:29.516 Pushkin. Hi. I'm Phil Donahue and I'm Marlowe Thomas, and 0:00:29.636 --> 0:00:32.596 we're going on a series of double dates to find 0:00:32.596 --> 0:00:41.436 out what makes a marriage last. To visit with actor 0:00:41.596 --> 0:00:45.836 John Legozamo and his wife Justine. All we had to 0:00:45.876 --> 0:00:48.356 do was get in a cab and head downtown to 0:00:48.516 --> 0:00:51.796 Greenwich Village. It seemed easy enough. We had the address, 0:00:52.236 --> 0:00:54.596 but as we cruised down their block amidst all these 0:00:54.636 --> 0:00:58.156 beautiful brownstones, we could not, for the life of us 0:00:58.516 --> 0:01:02.356 find number fifty one. What it's said on the building 0:01:02.556 --> 0:01:07.716 was eighteen fifty four, eighteen fifty little plaque outside outside, 0:01:07.716 --> 0:01:11.796 So you think it's ten years before, Yes, sir, yes, sir. 0:01:11.876 --> 0:01:14.556 I love the field knows this Kindiston. Don't play trivial 0:01:14.596 --> 0:01:19.036 for suit with him. You believe the room, they won't 0:01:19.036 --> 0:01:24.276 fly forget trivial pursuit. This house was just teeming with history. 0:01:24.476 --> 0:01:27.156 We've lived here about ten years in this house. And 0:01:27.396 --> 0:01:29.396 is there is there another family above you or do 0:01:29.396 --> 0:01:31.276 you have the home? We have the whole thing. Our 0:01:31.316 --> 0:01:35.476 kids live upstairs when they're home, both in college, their 0:01:35.516 --> 0:01:38.916 home for the summer, so it's just us. New a 0:01:38.916 --> 0:01:40.716 little garden in the back. We have a garden in 0:01:40.756 --> 0:01:43.196 the back that John takes care of. And did you 0:01:43.236 --> 0:01:47.396 remodel a lot? We didn't gut renovation pretty much. Yeah, 0:01:47.436 --> 0:01:50.716 we restorted back to what it was originally. Oh as closed, 0:01:50.716 --> 0:01:55.796 like this floor from eight nineteen hundreds. Yeah, yeah, like 0:01:55.876 --> 0:01:58.076 this part of the floor is the original floor from that. 0:01:58.276 --> 0:02:00.436 You can tell by how beat up it is. I 0:02:00.436 --> 0:02:04.916 mean it was underneath exactly exactly. We settled in by 0:02:04.956 --> 0:02:09.356 a window overlooking the tree lined street outside. So how 0:02:09.356 --> 0:02:13.116 did you, guys? Meat? Were you? We met out a 0:02:13.196 --> 0:02:17.556 movie actually John was in Carlito's Way and I was 0:02:17.636 --> 0:02:20.636 a costume pa and we met at a fitting. No, 0:02:20.716 --> 0:02:22.356 I mean the first time I saw her it was 0:02:23.276 --> 0:02:25.796 it was electric. I mean it was incredible, and she's 0:02:25.836 --> 0:02:29.156 like the finest one I ever seen. And then we 0:02:29.716 --> 0:02:34.556 started dating and then you know, and she said yes yeah, yeah, 0:02:34.556 --> 0:02:37.276 eventually he said yes, yeah. I took a few years. 0:02:37.436 --> 0:02:41.036 Was it electric for you? Absolutely? I knew, really, I 0:02:41.156 --> 0:02:44.556 knew immediately that we should be together, But there was 0:02:44.836 --> 0:02:47.916 at first fitting. I really did. Yeah. So she was 0:02:47.956 --> 0:02:51.036 so first of all, incredibly sexy and beautiful, but also 0:02:51.076 --> 0:02:54.156 at the same time she was like something really connected. 0:02:56.116 --> 0:03:00.476 But I knew who he was from because he had 0:03:00.516 --> 0:03:04.516 already done Mombo Malthain Spicker and so I was working 0:03:04.556 --> 0:03:07.236 for the costume designers and I asked them if I 0:03:07.276 --> 0:03:14.476 could go to the fitting and how Yeah, and it 0:03:14.516 --> 0:03:16.316 was it was kiss may I mean she made it 0:03:16.356 --> 0:03:19.876 happen in sort of a way and then it just yeah. 0:03:19.996 --> 0:03:23.996 So and you had been married already. I was engaged. 0:03:24.236 --> 0:03:27.636 I was engaged at the time that I was. We 0:03:27.756 --> 0:03:30.396 knew each other a long time before we started dating. 0:03:30.836 --> 0:03:37.756 I'm not. I'm not the police. Were you ever married before? No? No, No, 0:03:37.876 --> 0:03:41.516 I wasn't either. Well you were mad before two? Yeah? 0:03:41.076 --> 0:03:48.156 He had five children? Whoa yeah in six years birth 0:03:48.196 --> 0:03:52.876 control was yeah. But it was interesting because I didn't 0:03:52.876 --> 0:03:56.316 get married to him and I was forty And he said, uh, 0:03:57.036 --> 0:04:00.676 how did you know? You know not to get married. 0:04:00.956 --> 0:04:03.556 How did you not do it? I said, because I'm 0:04:03.636 --> 0:04:07.996 a female. You know, guys think you know somebody else 0:04:08.036 --> 0:04:10.436 is gonna take care of all. Yeah, I knew. I 0:04:10.476 --> 0:04:12.636 don't want. I don't want to do that. I want 0:04:12.676 --> 0:04:15.076 to be an actress, yeah, I want. I want to study, 0:04:15.116 --> 0:04:17.556 I want to travel. I went to London and did 0:04:17.596 --> 0:04:20.556 a play and you know, I was going but I 0:04:20.636 --> 0:04:27.116 still forward thanking for somebody even back then. Oh yeah sixties. Yeah. Um. Anyway, 0:04:27.196 --> 0:04:30.396 so you met and you got married much later if 0:04:30.396 --> 0:04:34.076 we had children first, So our kids, our daughter was 0:04:34.116 --> 0:04:36.436 born in nineteen ninety nine. Why we just thought you 0:04:36.556 --> 0:04:38.636 didn't want to be married or I think we had 0:04:38.676 --> 0:04:42.556 different reasons. Actually, for me, I didn't feel like I 0:04:42.596 --> 0:04:46.476 wanted to be married. Um, it just didn't mean anything 0:04:46.556 --> 0:04:48.716 to me. I always knew my whole life I wanted 0:04:48.716 --> 0:04:50.796 to have children, but I just never really saw marriage 0:04:50.796 --> 0:04:52.716 as part of my life. I didn't see the point. 0:04:53.116 --> 0:04:55.116 It just wasn't it. I thought that was really sexy. 0:04:56.676 --> 0:04:58.716 I thought that was like, oh yeah, I like that. 0:04:58.756 --> 0:05:02.156 You'll raise again Katholic and Seven day Adventists. Oh really? 0:05:02.196 --> 0:05:04.996 And then all my family converted to Evangelism. Oh wow, 0:05:05.596 --> 0:05:08.036 How did your parents feel about you not marrying a Latin? 0:05:08.156 --> 0:05:10.076 Was that a problem? We'd line of people. We don't 0:05:10.076 --> 0:05:13.236 have those issues. We love everybody, We want everybody to 0:05:13.436 --> 0:05:18.636 love everybody. Yeah, we fearful. So I was raised sort 0:05:18.676 --> 0:05:22.676 of Jewish, but barely. I mean really, my parents were atheists, 0:05:22.716 --> 0:05:24.956 so they never said a word about it. I think 0:05:25.076 --> 0:05:27.556 they were so relieved that I had found someone I 0:05:27.596 --> 0:05:30.156 don't know that they ever thought I really would. I 0:05:30.196 --> 0:05:33.836 was extremely independent, and so when they saw how much 0:05:33.876 --> 0:05:38.036 I loved John and how what a wonderful man he is, Uh, 0:05:38.596 --> 0:05:39.956 they never said a word about it. They were a 0:05:39.956 --> 0:05:43.076 beautiful man. They really accepted me like right away, and 0:05:43.116 --> 0:05:45.116 I love them too. You know it was easy. What 0:05:45.316 --> 0:05:49.036 made you get married? Huh? With the kids are older 0:05:49.116 --> 0:05:50.756 and you felt it think, yeah, I think we were 0:05:50.796 --> 0:05:52.636 going they were going to go to school, and we'd 0:05:52.676 --> 0:05:55.036 have we'd have separate different names, and all that stuff 0:05:55.076 --> 0:05:58.996 gets complicated for me. I felt after nine eleven happened 0:05:59.036 --> 0:06:01.116 and there was all that talk of like you can't 0:06:01.476 --> 0:06:04.436 travel with someone's nut, you don't have to say name, 0:06:04.716 --> 0:06:07.276 and there was like this weird moment, I mean, yeah, 0:06:08.196 --> 0:06:11.196 made you really think, rethink life and the values of 0:06:11.356 --> 0:06:14.276 in your values. And so we got married, We got 0:06:14.276 --> 0:06:17.156 a country house. We just changed life a little bit, 0:06:17.196 --> 0:06:21.356 just to just focus more on on the moments, the 0:06:21.436 --> 0:06:25.436 important moments, you mean, the family, Yeah, family, values, friends, 0:06:25.476 --> 0:06:27.756 you know, the things that really matter that really count. 0:06:27.796 --> 0:06:32.036 At the end, I'm Lebanese, which is actually Arab, right, 0:06:32.116 --> 0:06:36.276 and so people were talking terribly about right people, so 0:06:36.676 --> 0:06:39.076 you know, and I found myself having to say, well, 0:06:39.116 --> 0:06:41.916 you know, I'm kind of arab Lebanese jo. I couldn't 0:06:41.996 --> 0:06:44.836 let it go. No, you have to have to speak up. Yeah. 0:06:44.876 --> 0:06:47.836 So coming from different cultures, because you really did come 0:06:47.836 --> 0:06:50.556 from the Hispanic culture, right, Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean 0:06:50.596 --> 0:06:53.916 we came from very different socio economic backgrounds. But I 0:06:53.956 --> 0:06:56.556 think opposites attract for a reason. I mean, I mean 0:06:56.596 --> 0:06:59.676 it's just that such a natural thing. So what was 0:06:59.876 --> 0:07:05.596 your background? Us? Upper west Side Private School in New York. Uh. 0:07:05.636 --> 0:07:09.396 You know, my grandparents came from Russia, and then my 0:07:09.436 --> 0:07:13.036 parents were both born in Brooklyn, and my dad worked 0:07:13.076 --> 0:07:16.516 hard and after the Upper Warst Side exactly so, and 0:07:16.756 --> 0:07:22.596 my nice Jewish Yeah, I went to Field thin everyone 0:07:22.636 --> 0:07:25.036 I knew was just like me, and it was a 0:07:25.036 --> 0:07:28.116 pretty small world. And yeah, and then I grew up, 0:07:28.436 --> 0:07:32.036 you know, kind of ghetto in Queens and you know, 0:07:32.236 --> 0:07:36.476 getting in trouble and fresh air, fun kid. And then 0:07:36.516 --> 0:07:39.796 I started to find creativity as a as a sort 0:07:39.796 --> 0:07:42.716 of means that saved me, gave me a future, and 0:07:42.756 --> 0:07:46.396 gave me a whole way of using everything that I'd 0:07:46.396 --> 0:07:49.996 grown up with as ammunition and as and I used 0:07:50.076 --> 0:07:52.796 art as a weapon to you must have been getting 0:07:52.836 --> 0:07:55.636 left too. I mean, talking about it as a kid, 0:07:55.676 --> 0:07:56.996 did you get left? Oh? Yeah, you know. I was 0:07:56.996 --> 0:07:59.156 a funny guy. Yeah, at the same time, but I 0:07:59.156 --> 0:08:02.036 was also getting into a lot of trouble because I 0:08:02.036 --> 0:08:06.716 couldn't I wouldn't shut up. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. 0:08:06.756 --> 0:08:08.716 I mean I came up at a time where I 0:08:08.796 --> 0:08:12.836 felt like we were incredibly invisible, even though in my 0:08:12.876 --> 0:08:16.556 personal life Latin people were everywhere, but they weren't in 0:08:16.596 --> 0:08:19.076 the media. And it's still kind of like that, were 0:08:19.076 --> 0:08:22.316 still at less than three percent of the faces in 0:08:22.356 --> 0:08:25.116 front of the camera, and yet LA is fifty percent Latin. 0:08:25.276 --> 0:08:28.236 How is that possible. It's almost like present day apartheid 0:08:28.596 --> 0:08:31.116 and in New York City where the same number as 0:08:31.156 --> 0:08:33.516 white people, and yet there was such a dearth. It 0:08:33.596 --> 0:08:36.036 was just a desert of our stories being told. And 0:08:36.076 --> 0:08:37.996 I just couldn't understand that, and I didn't want it 0:08:38.516 --> 0:08:40.836 to perpetuate it. So I started writing my stories so 0:08:40.876 --> 0:08:43.276 I could see my people even though I was playing 0:08:43.276 --> 0:08:46.756 them all right, when you say that you were living 0:08:46.796 --> 0:08:49.476 among them, did you live in Hispanic neighborhood? Yeah, I 0:08:49.476 --> 0:08:51.636 grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood. You know, my school 0:08:51.836 --> 0:08:55.716 was black and Hispanic Latin into New York. Yeah, I 0:08:55.756 --> 0:08:58.396 went down. I went to high school at Bertram High. Yeah, 0:08:58.396 --> 0:09:00.236 and there was a lot of pride. And that's that's 0:09:00.276 --> 0:09:04.116 I guess that's what gave me the confidence that our 0:09:04.156 --> 0:09:08.756 stories aren't any lesser. Well, i've seen you in concert. 0:09:09.436 --> 0:09:13.036 We're both every time. Actually, yeah, that's awesome. Thank you 0:09:13.036 --> 0:09:17.116 for supporting. I know it came down to the public, remember, yeah, yeah, 0:09:17.116 --> 0:09:19.836 we love the Moron Show and then Lumbo Mouth. Thank you. 0:09:19.876 --> 0:09:24.676 That was nineteen ninety. Yeah. With John's cultural identity so 0:09:24.796 --> 0:09:28.436 central to his life, I wanted to know if Justine 0:09:28.436 --> 0:09:32.316 felt connected to a Jewish community. Not at all, except 0:09:32.316 --> 0:09:33.996 you know, a lot of the people that I grew 0:09:34.036 --> 0:09:38.156 up with are so I hear about it through them. 0:09:38.356 --> 0:09:41.556 But I haven't been to a temple since I was 0:09:42.276 --> 0:09:45.156 ten twelve years old. Way, did you give anything to 0:09:45.236 --> 0:09:48.356 your kids like that? Or did you celebrate Christmas or oh, yeah, 0:09:48.396 --> 0:09:51.356 we did. We celebrate Christmas and Eastern and then my 0:09:51.396 --> 0:09:54.916 family comes and they celebrate Passover as well. Yea, my 0:09:54.996 --> 0:09:56.876 mom comes to all that stuff. We love getting to 0:09:57.156 --> 0:09:59.476 love traditions. But I mean I'm not religious. I mean 0:09:59.476 --> 0:10:02.716 I believe in in in a higher power, and we 0:10:02.716 --> 0:10:05.196 did this. We did a Palm Sunday. We would go 0:10:05.276 --> 0:10:08.796 Palm Sunday. And it's beautiful because these people improvised this 0:10:09.356 --> 0:10:11.796 and then there's a lot of singing, this gospel, this 0:10:12.036 --> 0:10:15.156 Latin music. It's so beautiful. I love the colors and 0:10:15.276 --> 0:10:18.756 the you know, the robes, and yeah, yeah, I love it. 0:10:18.956 --> 0:10:22.516 But I don't believe in God. I don't have that 0:10:22.636 --> 0:10:25.276 sort of a faith, but I certainly believe in God. 0:10:25.316 --> 0:10:28.316 I think there's somebody there. He always says, will you 0:10:28.316 --> 0:10:31.036 think they're in the sky as I didn't think. Marlo 0:10:31.116 --> 0:10:34.916 blesses herself in turbulence when we're on an airplane. That's smart. 0:10:35.276 --> 0:10:59.716 Calms down, we'll have more. After a quick break, we're 0:10:59.756 --> 0:11:04.276 back to our interview with John and Justine Legozamo. While 0:11:04.316 --> 0:11:07.796 they seem entirely on the same page, they grew up 0:11:07.836 --> 0:11:13.436 in very different circumstances. So challenges do arise, especially when 0:11:13.436 --> 0:11:17.036 you're raising kids and sharing a home. To me, I 0:11:17.076 --> 0:11:19.476 always thought like, of course they'll go to private school. 0:11:19.476 --> 0:11:21.796 I wouldn't have thought it wouldn't even occur to me 0:11:21.916 --> 0:11:24.316 to do anything else. I think, But we were just 0:11:24.396 --> 0:11:27.636 actually today having this conversation where John really wanted them 0:11:27.676 --> 0:11:30.236 to go to public school and because that's all I knew. 0:11:30.236 --> 0:11:32.876 I grew up going to public schools. And why did 0:11:32.916 --> 0:11:36.196 you think that's better? Just because the real world. Yeah, 0:11:36.236 --> 0:11:39.596 it's a real world, and everybody's of color, and it 0:11:39.716 --> 0:11:42.676 just it was so much fun and I don't know, 0:11:42.996 --> 0:11:44.956 sometimes it was tough, but a lot of times it 0:11:45.036 --> 0:11:49.356 was incredibly fun and exciting. And I learned so much 0:11:49.356 --> 0:11:52.156 in school from people then, not from the teachers that 0:11:52.236 --> 0:11:54.836 were different. You mean, just our culture is so much 0:11:54.876 --> 0:11:56.716 from black and land culture is so much fun that 0:11:57.316 --> 0:11:59.556 we're always in and dated with it, you know, right, 0:11:59.836 --> 0:12:02.516 I loved it. So was that an accommodation that you 0:12:02.796 --> 0:12:07.516 decided to make. I don't know that you voiced those 0:12:07.676 --> 0:12:11.876 feelings at that time. Oh you did, Yeah, I just said, 0:12:12.116 --> 0:12:14.836 listen in the ear it but your kids went to 0:12:14.876 --> 0:12:19.356 public school? No, they went to private schools. Oh so 0:12:19.556 --> 0:12:24.116 you may become yes, interesting why I tried to weigh 0:12:24.236 --> 0:12:26.916 all all the factors and go, you know, they're going 0:12:26.956 --> 0:12:29.676 to have a celebrity name, and maybe that might not 0:12:29.756 --> 0:12:32.836 be so easy going into a public school system to 0:12:32.876 --> 0:12:35.316 have coming from where where we come. Now, our kids 0:12:35.676 --> 0:12:39.036 this sort of new income. Right, it may not be 0:12:39.076 --> 0:12:41.316 as comfortable, right, you know what I mean? Like I 0:12:41.356 --> 0:12:42.836 had nothing, and all the kids that I went to 0:12:42.876 --> 0:12:45.876 school had nothing, so we were all pretty even an equal, right. 0:12:46.036 --> 0:12:48.076 But what happens if you if you have all this 0:12:48.196 --> 0:12:51.076 and you're and then you go to school with kids 0:12:51.076 --> 0:12:53.236 that don't have enough? How is that going to feel? Right? 0:12:53.396 --> 0:12:55.076 So I thought maybe that might not be so good 0:12:55.116 --> 0:12:57.436 a name. You have a name, then it's like, is 0:12:57.436 --> 0:13:00.716 that going to cause problems and strife? Right? Now? We 0:13:00.756 --> 0:13:04.156 live in the Brownstone because I need separation to be 0:13:04.196 --> 0:13:06.836 able to write. Oh, I can't be on the same 0:13:06.996 --> 0:13:09.636 floor because I can't write. So she made that concession 0:13:09.676 --> 0:13:11.916 living in a Brownson when she rather live in an apartment. 0:13:12.476 --> 0:13:14.756 We tried living in an apartment for a few years, 0:13:15.156 --> 0:13:19.716 but John was so miserable that it just wasn't worth it. Hi. Yeah, 0:13:19.716 --> 0:13:21.876 and there's too much stimuli and I can't. I need 0:13:21.916 --> 0:13:24.036 to be with my thoughts. I mean, look, I married 0:13:24.076 --> 0:13:27.716 an actor who was his life. It was no surprise 0:13:27.836 --> 0:13:30.476 to me. I knew him for years before we got married. 0:13:30.596 --> 0:13:32.916 I knew that he was going to be traveling a lot, 0:13:33.036 --> 0:13:36.836 and that there was no clear schedule and it's not easy. Yeah, 0:13:36.876 --> 0:13:38.836 we're like circus folk, you know what I mean. It's 0:13:38.876 --> 0:13:41.516 like I've been an actor for so long that I 0:13:42.236 --> 0:13:44.636 didn't understand the sacrifices she was making because I was 0:13:44.636 --> 0:13:47.436 so used to being uprooted all the time. I had 0:13:47.476 --> 0:13:52.716 no control over geography or time or destiny. That you 0:13:52.836 --> 0:13:56.316 just surrendered to it. You got work. But that's what 0:13:56.356 --> 0:13:57.996 I mean. Yeah, I mean it was that's hard on 0:13:58.036 --> 0:14:00.836 a on a marriage, It's hard on race. Did you 0:13:59.916 --> 0:14:03.116 take We tried at first, Yeah, but it was really 0:14:03.156 --> 0:14:06.076 difficult to travel till they were five. We took them 0:14:06.156 --> 0:14:10.396 and then we stopped and then I stopped, We stopped going. 0:14:10.916 --> 0:14:13.836 Was that hard on your marriage? Yeah? But you know 0:14:13.916 --> 0:14:17.756 we tried to keep a two week maximum. That was 0:14:17.796 --> 0:14:21.276 a thing. I don't remember any sort of that, Yeah, 0:14:21.276 --> 0:14:23.796 but that was that was That was may We tried. 0:14:24.116 --> 0:14:26.836 But you know there were months. We didn't see each 0:14:26.836 --> 0:14:28.756 other for months at a time. I mean, it just 0:14:29.516 --> 0:14:33.756 was it hard on the marriage. I mean I guess 0:14:33.836 --> 0:14:37.876 at times, you know, marriage isn't easy. So when all 0:14:37.916 --> 0:14:40.476 that traveling, there must have been some jealousy, right, a 0:14:40.516 --> 0:14:43.116 little bit of jealousy. I was very jealous of Pella, 0:14:43.236 --> 0:14:46.996 you know right now when when he traveled or yeah, 0:14:47.116 --> 0:14:50.716 and he's away and the women love famous people or 0:14:50.796 --> 0:14:55.356 men love famous people, and you know, there's something alluring 0:14:55.676 --> 0:15:01.396 about a person who's talented, very sorry, oh and famous, famous, 0:15:01.436 --> 0:15:04.756 good looking, funny. Hey yeah, No, I think the jealousy 0:15:04.796 --> 0:15:06.596 is the other way around, right, Yeah. I am not 0:15:06.636 --> 0:15:10.116 a jealous person. I don't have it. It's but I'm 0:15:10.116 --> 0:15:12.716 a jealous person. Oh yeah, yeah, So when you left 0:15:12.756 --> 0:15:14.476 for a long time, that musn't have been hard. Yeah, 0:15:14.516 --> 0:15:16.876 that bothers me. Yeah, you know, and like yeah, so yeah, 0:15:16.996 --> 0:15:21.596 no I had issues, So tell us what did you do? Well? 0:15:21.596 --> 0:15:24.196 We talked about it. We talked. We were pretty articular. 0:15:24.236 --> 0:15:26.116 It wasn't like fighting. It was just more like, you know, 0:15:27.076 --> 0:15:29.796 voicing that, you know, I'm uncomfortable with this. I'm uncomfortable 0:15:29.796 --> 0:15:34.396 with that. That bothers me. And she's incredibly understanding about that. 0:15:34.796 --> 0:15:37.836 So like male friends and stuff like that. Right, that's 0:15:38.076 --> 0:15:40.676 exactly because I lived in Hollywood and Phil lived in 0:15:40.756 --> 0:15:43.316 Chicago when we first met. In our first a couple 0:15:43.276 --> 0:15:46.196 of years of marriage, we traveled and he would read 0:15:46.356 --> 0:15:49.196 the paper that I'd gone out to dinner with, like 0:15:49.316 --> 0:15:52.436 Chuck Groton, who like an old old friend. And he'd 0:15:52.436 --> 0:15:54.876 say he went to dinner with Chuck Rodan. I'd say, 0:15:55.156 --> 0:15:57.076 he's like this old friend of mine. He directed me 0:15:57.116 --> 0:15:59.636 in Two Things, co starred with him in a movie. 0:15:59.676 --> 0:16:02.636 You know he said, yeah, but you know I feel 0:16:02.636 --> 0:16:05.036 a little uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right right, there's the 0:16:05.196 --> 0:16:09.316 two of you. Yeah yeah, okay, did you stop? Yeah? Yeah? 0:16:09.316 --> 0:16:11.596 I mean too, Yeah, it's not worth it. But I 0:16:11.596 --> 0:16:14.596 would watch him on television and all these women would 0:16:14.596 --> 0:16:16.436 look at him like it was a big ice cream cone. 0:16:17.836 --> 0:16:20.276 I think, oh God, are they going to come up 0:16:20.276 --> 0:16:22.996 to him afterward and tickle his fancy? And what's going 0:16:23.036 --> 0:16:26.476 to happen here? None of that matters because I know 0:16:26.996 --> 0:16:30.276 that his ultimate commitment is to me and my children 0:16:30.276 --> 0:16:33.836 and our life together. How do you fight and how 0:16:33.876 --> 0:16:35.196 do you come back? Because if you don't know how 0:16:35.196 --> 0:16:38.076 to come back, that's usually how marriages. I believe you 0:16:38.076 --> 0:16:40.956 shouldn't say things you can't take back, and I try. 0:16:41.396 --> 0:16:43.276 She's not as so as good. She's not as good 0:16:43.276 --> 0:16:45.436 as with that part of it. I mean, I'm more mean. 0:16:45.996 --> 0:16:51.156 She'll say anything. I can be enraged, but not say 0:16:51.276 --> 0:16:55.276 things that you can't take back or do things that 0:16:55.356 --> 0:16:58.116 I can't take back. It's very rare that he really 0:16:58.156 --> 0:17:00.476 loses control. When I say rare, I mean less than 0:17:00.516 --> 0:17:03.196 five times and the whole time I've known him. When 0:17:03.556 --> 0:17:08.796 you are less, I have less of that skill. Maybe 0:17:09.236 --> 0:17:11.636 I mean I don't get mad like that very often, 0:17:11.716 --> 0:17:16.156 but maybe tend to lose control of my emotions more 0:17:16.316 --> 0:17:18.676 than John does. And then how do you come back? 0:17:18.756 --> 0:17:22.236 Who comes back? John? Before? You should be me all 0:17:22.236 --> 0:17:24.636 the time? It was always me like, come out, Let's 0:17:24.636 --> 0:17:26.756 try to make up. There's not going to bed mad, 0:17:26.876 --> 0:17:29.796 Let's try to fix this up. We just let it 0:17:29.796 --> 0:17:33.196 out and we're fine. Now let's just go back to talking. 0:17:33.596 --> 0:17:35.956 Let's talk it out. And I don't have as much 0:17:36.036 --> 0:17:38.876 problem apologizing, I think as I is too. I'll just 0:17:38.916 --> 0:17:41.356 I'm much easier to say I'm sorry. I think getting 0:17:41.436 --> 0:17:45.556 rid of that kind of pride is so important. Yeah, yeah, 0:17:45.556 --> 0:17:49.116 it doesn't help anything. Who was it that said to it? Oh? 0:17:49.196 --> 0:17:52.876 Rob Reiner said? Whoever said that love me is ever 0:17:52.916 --> 0:17:55.916 having to say your sorary has never been in love? Right? Right? 0:17:56.716 --> 0:18:00.116 If you don't say I'm sorry, you're in love really right? Yeah? 0:18:00.116 --> 0:18:02.876 Because you got you gotta make amend and you got 0:18:02.956 --> 0:18:06.236 it often, and you gotta take accountability. If you don't 0:18:06.276 --> 0:18:08.436 have somebody who's accountable, I mean, who, what kind of 0:18:08.436 --> 0:18:11.996 those were you with? Try right? When when do you 0:18:12.076 --> 0:18:14.636 think either one of you can answer this that you 0:18:14.756 --> 0:18:18.116 first trusted, knew that this was a person you could trust, 0:18:19.876 --> 0:18:22.756 you know, with not just sexually, but with your head, 0:18:22.836 --> 0:18:26.076 you know, with your heart, you know. To give you 0:18:26.116 --> 0:18:30.836 an example, when Phil and I were going together, we 0:18:30.916 --> 0:18:33.916 met in January and this was August, and so this 0:18:33.996 --> 0:18:37.676 was his big vacations, two week vacation. At While we're 0:18:37.716 --> 0:18:40.076 in Italy, I get a phone call from Elaine May, 0:18:40.116 --> 0:18:42.916 who you know, my good friend and we had worked 0:18:42.916 --> 0:18:48.476 on a screen screenplay together. And she said, Mike Nichols 0:18:48.476 --> 0:18:51.156 movie has just gone has just gone caput, and he's 0:18:51.156 --> 0:18:52.996 looking for a new project. You've got to come back 0:18:53.076 --> 0:18:55.756 right away because we have a chance to get Mike 0:18:55.836 --> 0:19:00.836 to direct this. I said, Oh God, Atlanta, this guy's 0:19:00.876 --> 0:19:03.716 only got two weeks. This is it. I said, if 0:19:03.756 --> 0:19:06.316 I if I come back now, I'm done with this 0:19:06.356 --> 0:19:09.596 guy and I we're pretty crazy about each other. It 0:19:09.676 --> 0:19:11.796 was a really hot time in It'll lay the two 0:19:11.796 --> 0:19:15.396 of us. Ah, God Jesus, So I go back to 0:19:15.476 --> 0:19:19.596 the room and I explain the whole thing. He says, well, 0:19:19.596 --> 0:19:21.516 it has to be this week, but is it's a funeral. 0:19:21.556 --> 0:19:23.436 I said, no, it's no, but it's just you know, 0:19:23.436 --> 0:19:26.276 he's going to decide now. And he looked at me 0:19:26.316 --> 0:19:29.036 like I was the most disposable human being he'd never 0:19:29.076 --> 0:19:32.556 known in his life. And I and I said, look, 0:19:33.156 --> 0:19:36.276 I don't know your business, but and I know this 0:19:36.356 --> 0:19:39.796 is a really great time we're having, but is there 0:19:39.836 --> 0:19:43.116 anybody if you got a call to do an interview 0:19:43.156 --> 0:19:48.156 with that you would leave? And he just thought a moment, 0:19:48.156 --> 0:19:52.116 he said, Jimmy Carter, and when president at the time, 0:19:52.236 --> 0:19:55.436 right right right when he said that, I thought, I 0:19:55.476 --> 0:19:57.636 can trust this guy. This guy is not going to 0:19:57.716 --> 0:20:00.236 bullshit me, right and say no, there's no one. There's 0:20:00.276 --> 0:20:03.116 no way I would leave you. You know that he 0:20:03.236 --> 0:20:06.476 was willing to think and say, yeah, okay, there's one 0:20:07.116 --> 0:20:10.956 Jimmy Carter, and I I think I feel deeply in 0:20:10.996 --> 0:20:14.916 love with him that he would not, you know, sexually 0:20:15.036 --> 0:20:19.156 calm me like that. Anyway, I didn't go. We didn't 0:20:19.156 --> 0:20:23.156 get Mike anyway, but I didn't leave for you. Yeah, 0:20:23.916 --> 0:20:27.276 I think those are those are important life moments. In life, 0:20:27.276 --> 0:20:31.436 when you go this person i'm with is more important 0:20:31.436 --> 0:20:33.716 than my career, right, you have to make that decision 0:20:33.956 --> 0:20:37.316 and show it. Sometimes that's what I could trust. That. 0:20:37.316 --> 0:20:40.076 That's I don't know of a safer thing than that. 0:20:40.076 --> 0:20:42.156 That's a big one. Mine is a small one, though, 0:20:42.276 --> 0:20:44.596 but even a small one. Small one is that we 0:20:44.996 --> 0:20:52.196 had a date early on, and it was at the Angelica, 0:20:52.236 --> 0:20:54.316 because when the Angelica was everything, you know, like all 0:20:54.316 --> 0:20:57.276 the hipsters, everybody was cool, was going to Angelica to 0:20:57.316 --> 0:21:01.236 see the latest in the indie film and you were late, 0:21:02.836 --> 0:21:06.236 and I flipped out over lateness. Really it sets me 0:21:06.316 --> 0:21:10.796 off because I was pathologically early, so I was there 0:21:10.836 --> 0:21:14.636 for like forty five minutes too early. And then she 0:21:14.756 --> 0:21:20.676 comes late, so I was really upset, and she was 0:21:20.716 --> 0:21:22.756 so upset. She started crying and I was like, oh 0:21:22.796 --> 0:21:25.196 my god, you don't remember any of this, Oh my god, 0:21:25.196 --> 0:21:27.116 if you're standing in the corner. And I was very upset, 0:21:27.156 --> 0:21:29.996 trying to not be upset with its very early odd 0:21:30.476 --> 0:21:34.596 and but she was okay with me being this hotheaded 0:21:35.276 --> 0:21:39.396 about a stupid little thing, and yeah, and I was like, 0:21:39.396 --> 0:21:43.236 oh my god, she cares about my feelings and she doesn't. 0:21:43.316 --> 0:21:45.836 She's not saying you're an asshole, You're an idiot, you're 0:21:45.876 --> 0:21:48.876 a moron, what the hell is wrong with you? Crazy? 0:21:49.036 --> 0:21:52.436 I'm only like twenty minutes later. Whatever it was, And 0:21:52.476 --> 0:21:54.316 I don't know, And we spent a lot of time 0:21:54.356 --> 0:21:55.916 talking about it, and we didn't go to the movie 0:21:56.276 --> 0:21:58.116 and we just spent a lot of time just talking 0:21:58.116 --> 0:22:01.236 about and she was trying to calm me down, and 0:22:01.396 --> 0:22:04.916 I just, I don't know, I felt really heard, really 0:22:04.956 --> 0:22:08.516 respect it, and I don't know, I just, yeah, maybe 0:22:08.516 --> 0:22:10.916 fall in love with her even more. She's never disappointed 0:22:10.956 --> 0:22:13.476 that she's always been like that. Yeah. I think the 0:22:13.516 --> 0:22:16.716 first moment for me was we started I think we 0:22:17.076 --> 0:22:19.596 had started dating in August, and it was like very soon. 0:22:19.636 --> 0:22:22.436 We had been together about a month and Thanksgiving was 0:22:22.516 --> 0:22:24.756 coming up and we were starting to think about Thanksgiving 0:22:24.956 --> 0:22:27.636 and John said to me, let's get all our families 0:22:27.636 --> 0:22:30.676 and all have Thanksgiving together. But we'd only been together 0:22:30.756 --> 0:22:33.956 a month, and I thought, Wow, this is really serious, 0:22:34.116 --> 0:22:36.836 Like he wants my entire friend and they did, and 0:22:36.876 --> 0:22:38.876 so we had all the families that we had, like 0:22:39.316 --> 0:22:43.996