Speaker 1: I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
Speaker 1: I'm made done.
Speaker 2: Won't spend my life trying to change. I'm learning love
Speaker 2: who I.
Speaker 3: Am, I get, I'm strong, I feel free, I know
Speaker 3: every part of me.
Speaker 2: It's beautiful.
Speaker 1: And then will always out way if you feel it,
Speaker 1: but you are, She'll some love to the body. Have there?
Speaker 2: Take you a day, Anita? Did you and die out way?
Speaker 3: Happy Saturday?
Speaker 4: Outweigh Amy here and kat I saw this article the
Speaker 4: other day that said, if you're ever told something rude
Speaker 4: or negative by a coworker or a friend, a response
Speaker 4: that you can give without being insulting back to them
Speaker 4: is just looking at them and saying, are you okay?
Speaker 4: And I don't know how I feel about it? I
Speaker 4: think that, but it could come across as passive aggressive
Speaker 4: depending on your tone or how you say it. But
Speaker 4: you know that comment that people love to put on
Speaker 4: Instagram for a lot of people's photos, but sometimes it
Speaker 4: ends up undermine which A guy posted it the other
Speaker 4: day and it was like eat a burger, why don't you?
Speaker 4: And I kind of I wanted to just reply. I
Speaker 4: didn't even give him the time of day, but I
Speaker 4: wanted to reply, are you okay, Like why are you
Speaker 4: commenting on someone's photo, so like something's wrong with you?
Speaker 3: Are you okay?
Speaker 4: But then I'm trying to picture myself that's a stranger
Speaker 4: on the internet, and that's a way to kind of
Speaker 4: shut it down. But with your friend or your coworker,
Speaker 4: the article was saying, it's a way to respond, but
Speaker 4: again not say anything rude back, and then it'll make
Speaker 4: them reflect like, oh am I okay, why did I
Speaker 4: just say that?
Speaker 3: Or maybe what I just said was wrong?
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: I feel like this could work. I also feel like
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I kind of like that as a response
Speaker 1: to somebody who's maliciously trolling you on the internet. Of
Speaker 1: it's almost kind of I'm not going to take this
Speaker 1: so seriously and I'm gonna throw this back at you.
Speaker 2: That is passive aggressive.
Speaker 1: But if it's with somebody that's in your life, you
Speaker 1: would really have to finesse the tone and the delivery
Speaker 1: of are you okay?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 4: Which it's outweigh A cat has been on here before,
Speaker 4: but I guess I should properly introduce you as licensed
Speaker 4: therapist Kat Defada, host of You Need Therapy podcast, and
Speaker 4: Kat's joining me today for this quick conversation about what
Speaker 4: to do when people say something negative to you. And
Speaker 4: we've talked about how you know, if we're triggered by it,
Speaker 4: that's that's our problem. I'm not triggered by that comment
Speaker 4: or if someone brings something up about food anymore because
Speaker 4: I've done the work myself. And so that's a whole
Speaker 4: nother conversation of like, don't let anybody rain on your
Speaker 4: parade or get to you, but obviously you need to
Speaker 4: respond in a way or if you want to stand
Speaker 4: up for yourself. So what if someone does say something negative,
Speaker 4: Like you, as a therapist, what would you advise us
Speaker 4: to say, like, hey, why are you eating that? Or oh,
Speaker 4: are you sure you want to eat that? Or or
Speaker 4: in person, you should eat a burger? Like how do
Speaker 4: we respond to that?
Speaker 1: So if we were just to take that what we
Speaker 1: just were talking about, are you okay? And somebody made
Speaker 1: a comment at a meal and it's like us, all
Speaker 1: you're getting you probably should get a burger.
Speaker 2: If I just were to say back to my friend,
Speaker 2: are you okay?
Speaker 1: To me? That feels combative and it feels like it's
Speaker 1: welcoming in unhealthy conflict, which conflict can be healthy versus
Speaker 1: I can say I didn't really like that you just
Speaker 1: asked me that. I can say, I'm kind of curious
Speaker 1: why you feel it's okay to comment on what I'm eating.
Speaker 1: You can say, you know, it feels kind of judgmental
Speaker 1: when you make those comments, and I'm wondering what's behind them.
Speaker 1: That's still conflict, right, that's still we have to have
Speaker 1: this dialog log and repair. But it's not this like uninviting,
Speaker 1: like I'm ready to fight, like are you okay?
Speaker 2: It's like I'm trying to push it back.
Speaker 1: Gone you're saying something's wrong with me, I'm saying something's
Speaker 1: wrong with you, when I'm just saying I'm curious, what
Speaker 1: made you say that.
Speaker 4: I was having a conversation with a friend just the
Speaker 4: other day and I mentioned that I don't have a scale,
Speaker 4: and it was a male and he said, what you know,
Speaker 4: I have a scale. That's weird And I thought, well, no,
Speaker 4: it's not weird to me because I got rid of
Speaker 4: it a long time ago, because I was getting on
Speaker 4: it all the time, like it was something that I
Speaker 4: think I could have one. Now I'm in a different place,
Speaker 4: but there was a time where I kind of had
Speaker 4: to just clean house, if you will. And it's like
Speaker 4: I don't need to wake up and weigh myself first thing,
Speaker 4: or I don't need to weigh myself after a meal,
Speaker 4: or and I was working on that, or when I
Speaker 4: go to the doctor, I don't want to be again
Speaker 4: see something and like have it spark something in me?
Speaker 4: And so we've talked before about how when you go
Speaker 4: to the doctor you can actually say like, hey, I'd
Speaker 4: passed on being weighed, or can I turn around or
Speaker 4: whatever you need to do.
Speaker 3: To protect yourself with that.
Speaker 4: But I felt so judged for not having a scale,
Speaker 4: so much so that I was like, well, maybe I
Speaker 4: could just get one. I don't know, But to me,
Speaker 4: I felt I got defensive. Yeah, and I was like,
Speaker 4: why do you not understand? It's like you're I was like,
Speaker 4: why are you making a big deal.
Speaker 3: About this scale?
Speaker 4: And this is someone that's been a friend of mine
Speaker 4: for a very long time and they know that I'm
Speaker 4: in recovery. So it was just interesting to me that
Speaker 4: he didn't get why I didn't want to scale.
Speaker 1: You know what this makes me think of, I'm rewatching
Speaker 1: ted Lasso from the beginning.
Speaker 2: Oh nice, and I just watched the dart scene. Do
Speaker 2: you remember that scene? It's one of the best scenes
Speaker 2: of the whole entire show.
Speaker 3: Uh huh.
Speaker 2: But he talks about that quote be.
Speaker 1: Curious, not judgmental, and that is making me think when
Speaker 1: people are oh, I don't even scale, that's weird, that's judgmental,
Speaker 1: versus you know, I'm a scale.
Speaker 2: Huh. I use my scale every day. What happened to
Speaker 2: your scale? Have you ever had a scale?
Speaker 1: And then it invites this conversation where he can understand you.
Speaker 1: It's the same thing with the burger comment of like, oh,
Speaker 1: you need to eat a burger. It's like, huh, that
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like a lot of food. Are you not hungry?
Speaker 1: Still not like the best thing to say. I think
Speaker 1: we should maybe at meal times not comment on people's food,
Speaker 1: But that still welcomes in a conversation versus me telling
Speaker 1: you that you're doing something wrong, and then instead of
Speaker 1: me going back, are you okay, it's like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: thank you for asking and not telling me that I'm
Speaker 1: doing something wrong.
Speaker 4: I had an Instagram post up from iHeart Country with
Speaker 4: Sam Hunt, and I posted one that wasn't flattering. Someone
Speaker 4: had taken our photo when we were like mid sentence,
Speaker 4: I mean, Sam's kind of got his mouth open and
Speaker 4: he's like, oh, and then I'm making a weird face.
Speaker 3: But it just like really, They're like, here's a photo.
Speaker 4: Of you and Sam, and I'm like, uh, okay, can
Speaker 4: we find a different one? And eventually we did find
Speaker 4: better ones. But I thought, well, I'm going to post
Speaker 4: this because who cares whatever? And someone commented on there,
Speaker 4: literally to me, are you okay? And I thought, huh,
Speaker 4: I think I did end up replying to that person.
Speaker 4: Sometimes I can't help myself, so I don't like you okay? No,
Speaker 4: I just said I hadn't read that article yet, so
Speaker 4: I didn't know about are you okay?
Speaker 3: But I said, what this is just like a what
Speaker 3: do they call it?
Speaker 2: What is it?
Speaker 3: Photo? When it's not planned?
Speaker 4: Oh, candid cant there's a really bad candid photo. When
Speaker 4: I was interviewing Sam, and I just thought my face
Speaker 4: looked funny, like, oh, look at me being all professional
Speaker 4: here doing my job. And someone stood up for me
Speaker 4: and was like, hey, paraphrasing here. I don't remember the
Speaker 4: exact comment, but like, why do you have to comment
Speaker 4: on someone's pictures?
Speaker 3: Mind your own business or whatever.
Speaker 4: And she was like, They're like, it's not a funny
Speaker 4: joke to ask someone if they're okay. And she's like,
Speaker 4: it's not a joke.
Speaker 3: I really want to know if she's okay. Concerned like
Speaker 3: she thought I was on something, you know, but.
Speaker 2: If she really cared about you, I don't think she
Speaker 2: would say it that way.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Here's a little tip for people, though, and this is
Speaker 1: like a therapy, one on one tip. In order to
Speaker 1: stay in that curious versus judgmental realm, if we remove
Speaker 1: the word why, and instead of saying why, we say
Speaker 1: I'm curious about or I wonder we can ask this.
Speaker 1: We can get the same kind of information, but ask
Speaker 1: it in a caring, more curious way.
Speaker 2: So I'm curious about or I wonder versus why did you? Hear?
Speaker 4: My cousin Amanda and I on a four Things episode
Speaker 4: recently talk about replacing why with what for a more
Speaker 4: fulfilling life?
Speaker 3: No, so, well you probably didn't. Thanks for the support.
Speaker 3: Just kidding, I'm joking.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's sort of like, you know how Donald Miller
Speaker 4: gave us what does this make possible? That has what
Speaker 4: in it? And that's probably why that sentence is so
Speaker 4: simple and so powerful. It's because of the what.
Speaker 1: So.
Speaker 4: An example she gave was a woman's diagnosed with cancer,
Speaker 4: and instead of her response being like why me, she
Speaker 4: said what is important to me in life? And that
Speaker 4: was what she was going to choose to focus on
Speaker 4: because now she had perspective and she wanted to know
Speaker 4: what is important to me right now? And that's direction
Speaker 4: she went instead of victim mentality, which is why is
Speaker 4: this happening to me? And really, in lots of different
Speaker 4: way you just it's the She did a whole study.
Speaker 4: Is a doctor that wanted to figure out self awareness
Speaker 4: and she did all this research and apparently ninety five
Speaker 4: percent of people think they're self aware, but only ten
Speaker 4: to fifteen percent actually are. And she called them like
Speaker 4: the unicorns, and she's like, what, why are these unicorns
Speaker 4: more satisfied, more fulfilled with their life? What is the
Speaker 4: main difference from these other people that claim their self aware?
Speaker 4: And it's that they use the word what in different scenarios.
Speaker 4: There's a cancer one. There was a guy in the
Speaker 4: study that you know, had conflict with his boss at
Speaker 4: work and instead of why are we like oil and
Speaker 4: water and why can't we ever get along. It was
Speaker 4: what can I do to show her I am valuable
Speaker 4: to the team.
Speaker 3: Ooh, and so that's another.
Speaker 2: What I like it?
Speaker 4: Yeah, what what versus why what? And that's kind of
Speaker 4: what you were saying just now a little bit.
Speaker 2: It's just a different way to ask questions.
Speaker 4: A different way to I was trying to find the
Speaker 4: comment here too, are you okay? But I can't find
Speaker 4: it on my Instagram at radio Amy if you want
Speaker 4: to follow, and Kat is at Kat dot Defada. And
Speaker 4: then you have your podcast Therapy or you Need Therapy
Speaker 4: podcast has an Instagram too.
Speaker 2: Right, yes, at you Need Therapy Podcasts. Well, that's exactly simple.
Speaker 3: Exactly it.
Speaker 4: And Kat has episodes that go up every Monday and Wednesday,
Speaker 4: and some of them even pertain to recovery from eating disorders.
Speaker 4: As you are, you are in recovery, and I just
Speaker 4: share quickly something cool that you're doing with a friend
Speaker 4: to sit down there. You're going to record and hopefully
Speaker 4: air somewhat soon ish and I can't wait to listen.
Speaker 1: So I was talking to my best friend from college
Speaker 1: this week and didn't think she would agree to this,
Speaker 1: but she did. So she saw me walk through my
Speaker 1: disordered eating journey and then I found recovery, and then
Speaker 1: she walked through hers and then she found recovery. But
Speaker 1: we both have these perspectives of seeing at different times
Speaker 1: when we're in a more healthy mindset the person who's
Speaker 1: not doing so great. So I asked that she'd be
Speaker 1: willing to come talk about that process of what it's
Speaker 1: like to see your friend and then what's it like
Speaker 1: for your friend to see you, because it is so
Speaker 1: much easier to see the toxicity of things, going back
Speaker 1: to self awareness when you're looking at somebody else, and
Speaker 1: we're more harsh with that as well. So in the
Speaker 1: next couple probably next couple of weeks, we're going to
Speaker 1: try to sit down and record that. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: therapeutic for me because we've never talked about it. It's
Speaker 1: almost something we kind of like swept under the rug
Speaker 1: and didn't really want to address. And I'm like, we're like,
Speaker 1: you're one of the closest people to me, why have
Speaker 1: we not talked about this?
Speaker 2: So should be pretty good.
Speaker 4: Stay tuned for that Yeah you Need Therapy podcast coming soon. Well,
Speaker 4: the podcasts start out with that episode that's awesome. It
Speaker 4: may even encourage other people to just sit down with
Speaker 4: their friends and have certain conversations.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like a little nervous about it because I
Speaker 1: don't know what she's going to say. And also I'm
Speaker 1: nervous because I might want to share things with her
Speaker 1: that I've been scared to share with her because I
Speaker 1: don't want to hurt her feelings or a step on
Speaker 1: her toes or anything like that. So it should be
Speaker 1: a good way to show healthy conflict.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and talk to each other, be curious about things
Speaker 4: and not judgmental.
Speaker 2: Boom boom.
Speaker 4: All right, Kat and I do the fifth Thing together,
Speaker 4: the bonus episode for my four Things podcast, and we
Speaker 4: always close it with have the day that you need
Speaker 4: to have, so it only feels appropriate to say it here,
Speaker 4: So Kat, go ahead, tell everybody have the day you.
Speaker 2: Need to have. Okay, Bye, Bye,