1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,400 Speaker 1: It's Selena Gomez and Rema Calm down this morning one 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: or two point seven Kiss FM. Ryan Seacrest with you 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,040 Speaker 1: now tough standby because I'm gonna come to you with 4 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,680 Speaker 1: that question. I gave you a few days ago for 5 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,520 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty, author number one. You got a number one right, 6 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:18,560 Speaker 1: New York Times best selling author. Congratulations, Jay Shetty. It's 7 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,680 Speaker 1: hard to do. Thank you, very grateful. I appreciate all 8 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: the love and support from my incredible community that's been 9 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: following along for so long. So thank you, lovers of 10 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,120 Speaker 1: lovers and underachieving lovers that want to be better lovers. 11 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: How to find it, keep it and let it go. 12 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: It's a great book to keep by your bed, just 13 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 1: to like, you know, refer to but Jay. So it's 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: like segment two with Jay a day later and we 15 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: were talking about the Intimacy Pyramid yesterday to day we 16 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: should start, Sysney. You brought this up about fighting styles 17 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 1: between couples. Sysney, how would you describe the fighting dynamic 18 00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,040 Speaker 1: between you and your husband? Well, we've been married for 19 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,640 Speaker 1: nine and a half years and together for gosh thirteen 20 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:09,040 Speaker 1: going on fourteen years, and we're both pretty stubborn. I 21 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,120 Speaker 1: would say, I take the reins of more being more stubborn, 22 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: and it's very difficult for me to apologize first. He 23 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: always apologizes first, and that's kind of the style I 24 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 1: guess when it comes to our fighting to give you 25 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 1: the cliff notes, So yeah, I don't know when it 26 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,920 Speaker 1: comes to are there different types of styles? Can we 27 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,759 Speaker 1: be better? Like what is your take? Yeah? Absolutely absolutely, 28 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 1: I love what you just said there, it's it's It's 29 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:39,400 Speaker 1: amazing the patterns we get into right over long relationships. 30 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: And when I first started dating my now wife and 31 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,520 Speaker 1: we'd argue, and obviously we still argue, but when we 32 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: used to argue before, I used to be the person 33 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: who wanted to solve it and fix it right now. 34 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,000 Speaker 1: That's like I wanted to figure it all out right now, 35 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,360 Speaker 1: and my wife didn't want. Well at that time, my 36 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 1: girlfriend didn't want to talk to me for two days, right, 37 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 1: and that's me. She wanted to think about it. And 38 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 1: that's at the start of our relationship. I used to 39 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: be like, well, I care because I'm standing here. You 40 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,800 Speaker 1: must not care because you're not here, you're walking away. 41 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,320 Speaker 1: And I used to take that quite personally and think, well, 42 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,640 Speaker 1: you just don't care about this relationship, And if you 43 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,720 Speaker 1: asked her, she would say, Jay, I do care about 44 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 1: the relationship. That's why I need space. That's why I 45 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,720 Speaker 1: need time, because I want to be reflective about what 46 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,120 Speaker 1: I say to you. And that's when I discovered that 47 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,399 Speaker 1: there were these three fight styles. I'm the venor, which 48 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,440 Speaker 1: means I want to talk about it, fix it, and 49 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 1: solve it right now. My wife's the hider. She needs 50 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,079 Speaker 1: time and space to think about it. And then there's 51 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,920 Speaker 1: a third one called the exploder, which is where the 52 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 1: person wants their emotions to be heard, felt and seen. Now, 53 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,320 Speaker 1: none of these are good or bad, and none of 54 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: them are bounded by gender. We can all be any 55 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,920 Speaker 1: of them. But what happens is now that you're aware, 56 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 1: you actually don't take it personally and you can actually 57 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,079 Speaker 1: respond more effectively. So now when I want to talk 58 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 1: about it now, when we fight now after ten years 59 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,880 Speaker 1: of being together, and I want to fight about it now, 60 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 1: and my wife wants to two days, we meet somewhere 61 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 1: in the middle in like twelve to twenty four hours, 62 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,600 Speaker 1: and then that way I don't have to be too patient. 63 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: She has enough time to think about it. But you know, 64 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,080 Speaker 1: the Gautman Institute did this research where they found that 65 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: the number one skill of a healthy relationship was not 66 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: date nights, It wasn't gift, it wasn't vacations, it wasn't anniversaries. 67 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 1: It was learning how to fight. And I think a 68 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: lot of people underestimate just how much you're going to argue, discuss, 69 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 1: and debate in a relationship. And of course, barring any toxic, 70 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:34,920 Speaker 1: very unhealthy behavior, these tools can be really really useful teaching. 71 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 1: You sort of categorize them because I'm thinking, Okay, well, 72 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,839 Speaker 1: what am I right? What are we? So? I used 73 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: to be a that I'm very impatient, like I need 74 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 1: I need to like what's wrong, Let's do it now. 75 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 1: I'm that right. However, recently I've been the guy like, 76 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 1: let's sleep on and talk tomorrow. Yeah, but I think 77 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 1: I'm hoping it goes away. No, I'm hoping it just 78 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,040 Speaker 1: dissipates by then. So I kind of have a h 79 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 1: I kind of a hybrid of those two working for me. Yeah, 80 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,240 Speaker 1: that makes a lot of sense. Then if we have 81 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: a test inside the book as well that people can 82 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: go to online and figure it out there fights, I 83 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 1: love a test, take the test and what are you? 84 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,320 Speaker 1: I know, I'm the vendor. I know when Irobby and 85 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,920 Speaker 1: I fight, I'm like, I want to do it right now. 86 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 1: Figured it out a Tony of for sure as a vendor. Yeah, 87 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,359 Speaker 1: And Robbie is the hider. He needs time and space. 88 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,440 Speaker 1: And I used to take it personal too. I was like, 89 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: you you just want to be away for me? And 90 00:04:29,279 --> 00:04:31,320 Speaker 1: it's like not that at all. So it was very 91 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,479 Speaker 1: That chapter was very interesting to me. Now we also 92 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,360 Speaker 1: fight on this show. How do you recommend we get 93 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 1: through our day here? That's just time. When Tony and 94 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,600 Speaker 1: I have gone into arguments, it's the same way, like 95 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 1: I don't want to talk and she wants to sit 96 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,920 Speaker 1: down and go to lunch and talk it out, and 97 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,120 Speaker 1: I'm just like she wants to fill out a workbook 98 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: and then review her answers over lunch. The same thing. 99 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:57,440 Speaker 1: We don't even eat lunch fasting. Yeah, it really does apply. 100 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:00,040 Speaker 1: All right, Well, listen more on this eight rules. I 101 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 1: love Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for coming on 102 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,080 Speaker 1: his podcast. It's called on Purpose wherever you get your podcast, 103 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: pleasure bro. Thank you, yeah, and you so much, so 104 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:11,080 Speaker 1: grateful for your time and energy. Wonderful meeting you by Jay. 105 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Thank you so much. Bye. He's incredible. Lot 106 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,800 Speaker 1: knew you would. I kind of like have a like 107 00:05:20,839 --> 00:05:24,599 Speaker 1: a bro crush, I know. I can't believe he came 108 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: back the next day. When have I ever invited someone 109 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,039 Speaker 1: to come back to what I was? Interesting? All right? 110 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 1: Coming next? One thousand dollars stuff to pay your bills.