1 00:00:14,956 --> 00:00:33,316 Speaker 1: Pushkin Hay Slight Changers, Happy New Year. We in the 2 00:00:33,356 --> 00:00:36,236 Speaker 1: Slight Change family have been hard at work preparing new 3 00:00:36,316 --> 00:00:39,156 Speaker 1: episodes for you in twenty twenty six and I can't 4 00:00:39,196 --> 00:00:42,476 Speaker 1: wait for you to hear the lineup. But first, today 5 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:46,036 Speaker 1: is a very special day because my book, The Other 6 00:00:46,156 --> 00:00:49,796 Speaker 1: Side of Change, Who We Become When Life makes Other Plans, 7 00:00:50,196 --> 00:00:53,916 Speaker 1: is officially out. I'm sharing a sneak peek of the 8 00:00:53,956 --> 00:00:57,036 Speaker 1: audiobook with those of you in the Slight Change community. 9 00:00:57,716 --> 00:01:00,436 Speaker 1: The book features stories you've never heard on this show 10 00:01:00,716 --> 00:01:03,436 Speaker 1: and pairs them with cutting edge science to help you 11 00:01:03,556 --> 00:01:08,076 Speaker 1: navigate change with less anxiety and a greater sense of possibility. 12 00:01:08,756 --> 00:01:12,716 Speaker 1: You get your copy today wherever you like to buy books. Okay, 13 00:01:12,956 --> 00:01:15,076 Speaker 1: now on to the beginning of the Other Side of 14 00:01:15,156 --> 00:01:22,916 Speaker 1: Change preface. There are moments in each of our lives 15 00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:27,196 Speaker 1: that seemed to change everything. A relationship ends without warning, 16 00:01:27,676 --> 00:01:31,556 Speaker 1: a close friend gets into a serious accident. Routine medical 17 00:01:31,596 --> 00:01:35,476 Speaker 1: tests reveals something concerning. Secrets about a loved one come 18 00:01:35,516 --> 00:01:39,796 Speaker 1: to light. A job is lost. As our lives veer 19 00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:42,996 Speaker 1: off course, it can feel like time is dividing into 20 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,596 Speaker 1: a before and an after. I had one of these 21 00:01:46,636 --> 00:01:50,236 Speaker 1: experiences recently. My husband and I were on the cusp 22 00:01:50,316 --> 00:01:55,116 Speaker 1: of becoming parents after years of navigating various obstacles and disappointments. 23 00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:59,876 Speaker 1: We were brimming with relief and excitement, emotions that I 24 00:01:59,876 --> 00:02:03,796 Speaker 1: imagine many parents to be feel. As we received one 25 00:02:03,836 --> 00:02:07,276 Speaker 1: piece of good news after another, we allowed ourselves to 26 00:02:07,316 --> 00:02:10,516 Speaker 1: conjure up cozy images of life life with our future child, 27 00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:14,556 Speaker 1: snuggling in bed and reading Calvin and Hobbes together, or 28 00:02:14,596 --> 00:02:17,836 Speaker 1: breaking out into a silly dance in our kitchen. We 29 00:02:17,836 --> 00:02:23,396 Speaker 1: were finally starting a family, until suddenly we weren't. I 30 00:02:23,436 --> 00:02:25,836 Speaker 1: still remember how I felt when I heard the news. 31 00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:30,716 Speaker 1: Anxiety polled in the pit of my stomach. Ordinary sounds 32 00:02:30,796 --> 00:02:33,276 Speaker 1: like the closing of a door or a stranger's voice 33 00:02:33,516 --> 00:02:36,676 Speaker 1: were jarring, as if the volume of the outside world 34 00:02:36,716 --> 00:02:40,516 Speaker 1: had been dialed up. My colleagues at work, unaware of 35 00:02:40,556 --> 00:02:43,316 Speaker 1: what was going on, were emailing me about assignments that 36 00:02:43,356 --> 00:02:47,396 Speaker 1: were due. I struggled to comprehend how everything was just 37 00:02:47,476 --> 00:02:51,876 Speaker 1: moving forward as usual. I knew my situation was not unique, 38 00:02:52,196 --> 00:02:56,596 Speaker 1: but somehow that awareness couldn't penetrate the visceral, chilling feeling 39 00:02:56,796 --> 00:03:00,516 Speaker 1: that I was alone. As the weeks and months passed, 40 00:03:00,636 --> 00:03:03,356 Speaker 1: what disoriented me the most was the loss of control 41 00:03:03,436 --> 00:03:07,316 Speaker 1: I felt in everyday life. It's easy to overestimate the 42 00:03:07,356 --> 00:03:11,236 Speaker 1: degree to which we influence how things turn out. Psychologists 43 00:03:11,236 --> 00:03:14,716 Speaker 1: call this the illusion of control. When a bad thing 44 00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:19,796 Speaker 1: happens unexpectedly, it can shatter that illusion. As my detailed 45 00:03:19,796 --> 00:03:23,876 Speaker 1: plans unraveled one by one, I became agitated by all 46 00:03:23,916 --> 00:03:27,916 Speaker 1: the uncertainty that now lay ahead. There's a research study 47 00:03:27,956 --> 00:03:30,316 Speaker 1: showing that people are more stressed when they think they 48 00:03:30,356 --> 00:03:33,356 Speaker 1: have a fifty percent chance of receiving an electric shock 49 00:03:33,956 --> 00:03:36,636 Speaker 1: than when they think they have a one hundred percent chance. 50 00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:41,276 Speaker 1: This finding resonates deeply with me. I like knowing how 51 00:03:41,276 --> 00:03:45,276 Speaker 1: the story ends. Whenever I faced a setback or a failure, 52 00:03:45,676 --> 00:03:48,636 Speaker 1: my instinct has been to jump into action and to 53 00:03:48,716 --> 00:03:53,116 Speaker 1: try to reduce any uncertainty by outworking the challenge. But 54 00:03:53,196 --> 00:03:55,356 Speaker 1: what would it even mean to work harder? In the 55 00:03:55,396 --> 00:03:59,756 Speaker 1: context of trying to become a parent, I'd often heard 56 00:03:59,796 --> 00:04:02,636 Speaker 1: that while we can't control what happens to us, we 57 00:04:02,836 --> 00:04:06,636 Speaker 1: can control our reaction to what happens. It's meant to 58 00:04:06,676 --> 00:04:10,796 Speaker 1: be an empowering mantra, but as I with my negative emotions, 59 00:04:11,116 --> 00:04:14,796 Speaker 1: it registered as a platitude. Sure, it'd be great to 60 00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:18,236 Speaker 1: somehow react in a more constructive manner, but how was 61 00:04:18,276 --> 00:04:21,036 Speaker 1: I supposed to go about doing that. It's not like 62 00:04:21,036 --> 00:04:22,996 Speaker 1: I could flip a switch in my brain that would 63 00:04:23,036 --> 00:04:25,996 Speaker 1: make me feel more at peace, or more hopeful, or 64 00:04:26,036 --> 00:04:29,436 Speaker 1: more certain about what to do next. I wanted to 65 00:04:29,476 --> 00:04:33,276 Speaker 1: figure out how exactly to think and feel differently about 66 00:04:33,276 --> 00:04:37,956 Speaker 1: my situation. As I sat there, isolated in my sorrow 67 00:04:38,036 --> 00:04:41,716 Speaker 1: and confusion, I sought to connect with others who'd navigated 68 00:04:41,756 --> 00:04:45,876 Speaker 1: big life disruptions. What began as a series of informal 69 00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:50,316 Speaker 1: conversations eventually grew into a podcast called A Slight Change 70 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:54,476 Speaker 1: of Plans, which I started in twenty twenty one. Each 71 00:04:54,556 --> 00:04:57,236 Speaker 1: episode was an opportunity to have a one on one 72 00:04:57,316 --> 00:05:01,596 Speaker 1: conversation with someone who'd gone through a life altering change. 73 00:05:01,636 --> 00:05:05,076 Speaker 1: A young self proclaimed health nut who was diagnosed with 74 00:05:05,156 --> 00:05:08,716 Speaker 1: aggressive bone cancer, a woman who found out that her 75 00:05:08,756 --> 00:05:12,076 Speaker 1: late husband had had an affair. A friend of mine 76 00:05:12,156 --> 00:05:16,276 Speaker 1: who lost her little sister in a car accident. I 77 00:05:16,356 --> 00:05:19,316 Speaker 1: didn't know what their stories might reveal, but I hoped 78 00:05:19,356 --> 00:05:22,996 Speaker 1: that my academic expertise might lend me a unique perspective 79 00:05:24,036 --> 00:05:26,636 Speaker 1: in my work as a cognitive scientist. I've spent the 80 00:05:26,636 --> 00:05:32,516 Speaker 1: past two decades exploring the human mind through disciplines like psychology, neuroscience, 81 00:05:32,556 --> 00:05:37,436 Speaker 1: and philosophy. I've studied how we develop our beliefs, make decisions, 82 00:05:37,476 --> 00:05:41,876 Speaker 1: and respond to uncertainty, risk and failure, and so in 83 00:05:41,916 --> 00:05:46,996 Speaker 1: these interviews, I focused on understanding people's interior lives. What 84 00:05:47,156 --> 00:05:50,116 Speaker 1: was shifting within them as they went through their changes. 85 00:05:51,116 --> 00:05:54,356 Speaker 1: What were they experiencing on a psychological level that might 86 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:57,876 Speaker 1: not be visible to us from the outside. I was 87 00:05:57,956 --> 00:06:00,956 Speaker 1: moved by my guest reflections and often thought back to 88 00:06:00,996 --> 00:06:04,116 Speaker 1: what they'd shared with me. After spending more than one 89 00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:08,996 Speaker 1: hundred hours interviewing people, I noticed patterns emerging across their stories. 90 00:06:09,756 --> 00:06:13,196 Speaker 1: People whose situations looked nothing alike on the surface were 91 00:06:13,276 --> 00:06:18,956 Speaker 1: nevertheless encountering similar challenges. For example, the cancer patient who 92 00:06:18,956 --> 00:06:21,516 Speaker 1: felt like his body had failed him and the woman 93 00:06:21,516 --> 00:06:24,396 Speaker 1: who was cheated on by her husband struggled with a 94 00:06:24,476 --> 00:06:28,716 Speaker 1: similar feeling of betrayal. And it wasn't merely the challenges 95 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:31,676 Speaker 1: that people had in common. They were also using a 96 00:06:31,716 --> 00:06:35,476 Speaker 1: shared set of strategies to overcome them. Those of us 97 00:06:35,516 --> 00:06:39,076 Speaker 1: going through changes of all kinds are far more connected 98 00:06:39,116 --> 00:06:41,956 Speaker 1: than we may have thought. We can learn from one 99 00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:44,876 Speaker 1: another's stories, even when they don't look like our own. 100 00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:49,676 Speaker 1: I was heartened by this realization and also energized by it. 101 00:06:50,316 --> 00:06:54,116 Speaker 1: There was so much to potentially discover about the universality 102 00:06:54,156 --> 00:06:58,036 Speaker 1: of the change experience. It was clear that I'd only 103 00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:02,276 Speaker 1: just scratched the surface. I wanted to combine long form 104 00:07:02,316 --> 00:07:05,476 Speaker 1: interviewing with our best understanding of how the mind works 105 00:07:05,836 --> 00:07:08,236 Speaker 1: to build a deeper well of wisdom to draw from 106 00:07:08,316 --> 00:07:11,876 Speaker 1: during life's time moments, and that's what led me to 107 00:07:11,956 --> 00:07:17,236 Speaker 1: this book. I've written this for anyone who is currently 108 00:07:17,276 --> 00:07:19,956 Speaker 1: in the choppy waters of a change, is trying to 109 00:07:19,996 --> 00:07:23,236 Speaker 1: make sense of a past change, or is anxious about 110 00:07:23,236 --> 00:07:26,996 Speaker 1: a future change. This book is part narrative and part 111 00:07:27,076 --> 00:07:32,196 Speaker 1: practical guide, rooted in the latest scientific research. I started 112 00:07:32,196 --> 00:07:35,436 Speaker 1: this project by seeking out people with remarkable stories of 113 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,676 Speaker 1: change whom I'd never interviewed before. I then spoke with 114 00:07:39,756 --> 00:07:42,876 Speaker 1: each of them repeatedly over a period of several years. 115 00:07:43,636 --> 00:07:47,876 Speaker 1: Their motivations, reactions, and reflections frequently ran counter to what 116 00:07:47,876 --> 00:07:50,516 Speaker 1: I would have gleaned from the basic facts of their stories. 117 00:07:51,516 --> 00:07:53,916 Speaker 1: I am grateful for their willingness to open up in 118 00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:57,956 Speaker 1: such an unfiltered way. They offer an intimate view into 119 00:07:57,956 --> 00:08:02,316 Speaker 1: the experience of upheaval. When we imagine what it will 120 00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:05,596 Speaker 1: be like to navigate an unexpected change in its aftermath, 121 00:08:06,156 --> 00:08:08,556 Speaker 1: we tend to assume that will be the same person 122 00:08:08,676 --> 00:08:12,556 Speaker 1: from the beginning to end. Research shows that we greatly 123 00:08:12,676 --> 00:08:16,116 Speaker 1: underestimate how much will change in the future, even though 124 00:08:16,116 --> 00:08:19,676 Speaker 1: we fully acknowledge that we've changed considerably in the past. 125 00:08:20,556 --> 00:08:23,556 Speaker 1: This bias is known as the end of history illusion, 126 00:08:24,196 --> 00:08:27,196 Speaker 1: a term coined by the psychologist Dan Gilbert and his 127 00:08:27,356 --> 00:08:31,476 Speaker 1: co authors. People, it seems, regard the present as a 128 00:08:31,516 --> 00:08:34,916 Speaker 1: watershed moment at which they have finally become the person 129 00:08:34,996 --> 00:08:37,916 Speaker 1: they will be for the rest of their lives, they write, 130 00:08:39,156 --> 00:08:42,756 Speaker 1: But we are constantly evolving, and a major disruption in 131 00:08:42,796 --> 00:08:46,836 Speaker 1: our lives can accelerate this process. When a big change 132 00:08:46,916 --> 00:08:51,356 Speaker 1: happens to us, it can lead to profound change within us. 133 00:08:52,236 --> 00:08:55,356 Speaker 1: The unique stresses and demands of being thrust into a 134 00:08:55,396 --> 00:09:01,396 Speaker 1: new reality can uncover unexpected and sometimes astonishing insights about 135 00:09:01,396 --> 00:09:05,756 Speaker 1: ourselves in the world around us. These insights, coupled with 136 00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:09,356 Speaker 1: the experience of the change itself, can transform us in 137 00:09:09,436 --> 00:09:15,916 Speaker 1: extraordinary ways. This is an empowering realization when we're daunted 138 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,876 Speaker 1: at the outset of a change, there is some comfort 139 00:09:18,916 --> 00:09:21,516 Speaker 1: in knowing that the person who will undergo the full 140 00:09:21,596 --> 00:09:24,836 Speaker 1: experience will be different from the person we are in 141 00:09:24,916 --> 00:09:28,756 Speaker 1: this very moment. We will become new people on the 142 00:09:28,796 --> 00:09:31,996 Speaker 1: other side of change in ways we are capable of shaping, 143 00:09:32,836 --> 00:09:36,316 Speaker 1: and so the relevant question isn't how will I navigate 144 00:09:36,356 --> 00:09:42,356 Speaker 1: this change, but rather how will I, with potentially new capabilities, values, 145 00:09:42,396 --> 00:09:47,236 Speaker 1: and perspectives, navigate this change. The first half of this 146 00:09:47,276 --> 00:09:50,476 Speaker 1: book tells the stories of people who, as they confront 147 00:09:50,516 --> 00:09:55,156 Speaker 1: new circumstances, must grapple with all that they've lost in 148 00:09:55,196 --> 00:09:59,316 Speaker 1: their own way. They each experience an internal transformation that 149 00:09:59,396 --> 00:10:04,076 Speaker 1: allows them to imagine freeing possibilities for themselves. The second 150 00:10:04,156 --> 00:10:06,676 Speaker 1: half of the book shows how that sense of possibility 151 00:10:06,956 --> 00:10:10,356 Speaker 1: can ripple outward and inl luence how we relate to 152 00:10:10,436 --> 00:10:14,916 Speaker 1: others and the world. Together, these stories offer a portrait 153 00:10:15,316 --> 00:10:19,356 Speaker 1: of our varied, complicated reactions to change and how we 154 00:10:19,396 --> 00:10:22,756 Speaker 1: can learn to open ourselves up to it. I've been 155 00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:25,596 Speaker 1: inspired to consider the changes in my own life through 156 00:10:25,636 --> 00:10:29,276 Speaker 1: a new lens, a personal evolution that I share throughout 157 00:10:29,316 --> 00:10:33,716 Speaker 1: the book. A negative change can feel like an apocalypse, 158 00:10:34,236 --> 00:10:37,036 Speaker 1: as if the world we knew has now been destroyed. 159 00:10:37,716 --> 00:10:42,716 Speaker 1: But apocalypse comes from the Greek word apocalypsis, which actually 160 00:10:42,756 --> 00:10:48,756 Speaker 1: means revelation. This etymology is instructive. Change can upend us, 161 00:10:49,196 --> 00:10:52,836 Speaker 1: but it can also reveal things to us. What if 162 00:10:52,836 --> 00:10:55,436 Speaker 1: we saw the hardest moments in our lives as a 163 00:10:55,516 --> 00:10:59,716 Speaker 1: chance to reimagine ourselves rather than as something to just endure. 164 00:11:00,636 --> 00:11:04,716 Speaker 1: What potential could change unlock within us? In going on 165 00:11:04,756 --> 00:11:07,956 Speaker 1: this journey with others, I've become far more curious about 166 00:11:07,956 --> 00:11:10,396 Speaker 1: who I can be on the other side of change. 167 00:11:10,996 --> 00:11:13,396 Speaker 1: I hope that after reading this book, you'll come to 168 00:11:13,436 --> 00:11:23,716 Speaker 1: feel the same way. Chapter one, locked in On a 169 00:11:23,756 --> 00:11:27,996 Speaker 1: warm October afternoon in twenty eighteen, Olivia Lewis wrapped up 170 00:11:27,996 --> 00:11:30,996 Speaker 1: an assignment and walked from the campus library to her bike. 171 00:11:31,796 --> 00:11:35,036 Speaker 1: A month earlier, she'd started her senior year at Virginia 172 00:11:35,116 --> 00:11:40,236 Speaker 1: Commonwealth University with a clear resolution to stop making such 173 00:11:40,276 --> 00:11:44,916 Speaker 1: a big deal about her health issues. For nearly a decade, 174 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:48,876 Speaker 1: she'd been periodically plagued by a strange constellation of symptoms, 175 00:11:49,396 --> 00:11:55,276 Speaker 1: including vision problems, facial numbness, dizziness, and crushing migraines. She 176 00:11:55,356 --> 00:11:58,236 Speaker 1: was a regular at the doctor's office, but more often 177 00:11:58,276 --> 00:12:01,036 Speaker 1: than not, her symptoms would resolve while she waited for 178 00:12:01,076 --> 00:12:03,956 Speaker 1: her appointment to begin, and the doctor would tell her 179 00:12:04,036 --> 00:12:07,916 Speaker 1: that there was nothing actually wrong with her. Her friends, too, 180 00:12:08,036 --> 00:12:11,356 Speaker 1: had grown impatient with her her over the years. Sometimes 181 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,876 Speaker 1: she noticed them sigh or roll their eyes when she 182 00:12:13,916 --> 00:12:17,476 Speaker 1: told them of yet another headache. She hated the idea 183 00:12:17,556 --> 00:12:20,476 Speaker 1: that her anxieties about her health might be taking a 184 00:12:20,516 --> 00:12:24,236 Speaker 1: toll on her relationships. She told herself she would just 185 00:12:24,396 --> 00:12:27,796 Speaker 1: have to toughen up. But as she bent down to 186 00:12:27,876 --> 00:12:30,196 Speaker 1: unlock her bike from the rack, she felt a sharp 187 00:12:30,236 --> 00:12:33,476 Speaker 1: twinge in her neck. When she stood up, little gray 188 00:12:33,596 --> 00:12:36,796 Speaker 1: and black specks appeared in her field of vision. A 189 00:12:36,876 --> 00:12:39,796 Speaker 1: dull headache set in. She shook her head and got 190 00:12:39,796 --> 00:12:42,196 Speaker 1: on her bike to go grab some lunch. It was 191 00:12:42,276 --> 00:12:46,836 Speaker 1: probably nothing. That evening, though, at a friend's house, Olivia 192 00:12:46,956 --> 00:12:50,236 Speaker 1: again felt strange. She just plopped down on the couch 193 00:12:50,316 --> 00:12:54,276 Speaker 1: to watch American Horror Story. When as the show's moody 194 00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:58,036 Speaker 1: theme song filled the room, her face went numb. She 195 00:12:58,076 --> 00:13:01,516 Speaker 1: began to feel faint and nauseated. She excused herself and 196 00:13:01,556 --> 00:13:04,596 Speaker 1: slowly made her way to the bathroom. When she looked 197 00:13:04,596 --> 00:13:07,516 Speaker 1: in the mirror. She saw black splotches where her reflection 198 00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:11,196 Speaker 1: should have been. She blinked hard, then splashed water on 199 00:13:11,276 --> 00:13:14,636 Speaker 1: her face. She looked at the mirror again. The black 200 00:13:14,676 --> 00:13:18,236 Speaker 1: splotches were still there. She cast her eyes around the room, 201 00:13:18,516 --> 00:13:21,956 Speaker 1: but the splotches followed her gaze. Maybe she needed to 202 00:13:21,996 --> 00:13:25,236 Speaker 1: take a few breaths and calm down. She knelt on 203 00:13:25,276 --> 00:13:28,596 Speaker 1: the floor, leaned her forehead against the bathtub, and closed 204 00:13:28,596 --> 00:13:32,756 Speaker 1: her eyes. A few minutes later, she cautiously opened her eyes. 205 00:13:33,316 --> 00:13:38,036 Speaker 1: She could now see her legs clearly. The splotches were gone. Relieved, 206 00:13:38,076 --> 00:13:40,556 Speaker 1: she picked herself up and fixed her hair in the mirror. 207 00:13:41,356 --> 00:13:43,636 Speaker 1: As she walked back to the living room to rejoin 208 00:13:43,676 --> 00:13:46,316 Speaker 1: her friends, she was grateful that she wouldn't have to 209 00:13:46,356 --> 00:13:49,436 Speaker 1: make a scene in front of them. Olivia had only 210 00:13:49,476 --> 00:13:53,876 Speaker 1: recently started to feel like her peers accepted her. Growing up, 211 00:13:54,036 --> 00:13:56,956 Speaker 1: she had attended a private school where she was surrounded 212 00:13:56,956 --> 00:14:01,436 Speaker 1: by kids from wealthy families. Olivia's family was middle class. 213 00:14:02,116 --> 00:14:04,876 Speaker 1: Her parents had taken out loans and cobbled together the 214 00:14:04,916 --> 00:14:08,516 Speaker 1: money to afford the tuition, and her background made her 215 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:12,276 Speaker 1: stand out. Her classmates made fun of her clothes and 216 00:14:12,396 --> 00:14:16,196 Speaker 1: the things she liked, they disparaged her modest home in 217 00:14:16,196 --> 00:14:19,876 Speaker 1: her family's mini van with its dense and missing hubcats. 218 00:14:20,756 --> 00:14:24,676 Speaker 1: In the fifth grade, Olivia was voted ugliest girl on 219 00:14:24,756 --> 00:14:28,236 Speaker 1: a list that circulated in her school. But in the 220 00:14:28,276 --> 00:14:30,876 Speaker 1: past few years it seemed as if things were beginning 221 00:14:30,916 --> 00:14:33,476 Speaker 1: to go her way. She had built a tight knit 222 00:14:33,556 --> 00:14:36,676 Speaker 1: circle of friends in college. Just a week ago, she'd 223 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:39,836 Speaker 1: invited them over for a dinner party, where they feasted 224 00:14:39,876 --> 00:14:43,036 Speaker 1: on a big pot of spaghetti while sharing stories and 225 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:46,236 Speaker 1: laughing late into the night. She and her boyfriend from 226 00:14:46,316 --> 00:14:50,476 Speaker 1: high school, Sean, had maintained a long distance relationship, and 227 00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:53,076 Speaker 1: she was looking forward to visiting him in a few weeks. 228 00:14:53,756 --> 00:14:56,236 Speaker 1: She was also on track to graduate with a degree 229 00:14:56,276 --> 00:15:00,276 Speaker 1: in communications and planned to get a master's degree in copywriting. 230 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:05,196 Speaker 1: After so many years of feeling inadequate, Olivia could finally 231 00:15:05,276 --> 00:15:10,516 Speaker 1: see an exciting future taking shape before her. Later that evening, 232 00:15:10,596 --> 00:15:12,916 Speaker 1: as she and her roommate drove back to their apartment, 233 00:15:13,556 --> 00:15:16,356 Speaker 1: Olivia rolled down the window, took in some fresh air, 234 00:15:16,836 --> 00:15:21,036 Speaker 1: and let the serenity of the night sky soothe her nerves. 235 00:15:21,156 --> 00:15:24,796 Speaker 1: She reassured herself that she was fine. Now her focus 236 00:15:24,876 --> 00:15:27,716 Speaker 1: was on getting to bed. She had an important class 237 00:15:27,756 --> 00:15:29,836 Speaker 1: in the morning, and she had a habit of sleeping 238 00:15:29,876 --> 00:15:32,876 Speaker 1: through her alarms. She took a quick shower and then 239 00:15:32,956 --> 00:15:37,516 Speaker 1: performed her nightly ritual, setting six consecutive alarms on her phone, 240 00:15:37,596 --> 00:15:42,076 Speaker 1: starting at eight a m spaced ten minutes apart. It 241 00:15:42,116 --> 00:15:45,036 Speaker 1: was just after four in the morning when an excruciating 242 00:15:45,076 --> 00:15:49,196 Speaker 1: sensation coursed through Olivia's body. It ran from her spine 243 00:15:49,236 --> 00:15:52,396 Speaker 1: into her head, jolting her awake and causing her to 244 00:15:52,476 --> 00:15:56,156 Speaker 1: lurge upright as her body seized up, she fell out 245 00:15:56,196 --> 00:15:59,036 Speaker 1: of her bed and her skull crashed directly onto the 246 00:15:59,076 --> 00:16:04,076 Speaker 1: hardwood floor. Her head throbbed. She needed help. She tried 247 00:16:04,116 --> 00:16:06,276 Speaker 1: to reach for her phone, which was dangling off the 248 00:16:06,316 --> 00:16:08,836 Speaker 1: side of her bed by its power cord, a mere 249 00:16:08,876 --> 00:16:12,796 Speaker 1: inn above her face, but her arm wouldn't move. She 250 00:16:12,876 --> 00:16:17,556 Speaker 1: tried to yell for her roommate, her mouth wouldn't move either. Suddenly, 251 00:16:17,596 --> 00:16:21,596 Speaker 1: a cascade of fluids erupted from her body. A warm, 252 00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:24,756 Speaker 1: thick substance oozed out of her ears, A puddle of 253 00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:28,516 Speaker 1: urine formed beneath her. A mixture of vomit and blood 254 00:16:28,556 --> 00:16:31,556 Speaker 1: bubbled up in her mouth. If she hadn't landed on 255 00:16:31,596 --> 00:16:33,796 Speaker 1: her side. She thought she might have choked on it. 256 00:16:34,596 --> 00:16:38,356 Speaker 1: Though she was not particularly religious, she found herself talking 257 00:16:38,396 --> 00:16:41,436 Speaker 1: to God, Is this it? Am I just going to 258 00:16:41,516 --> 00:16:45,036 Speaker 1: die like this? She lay frozen in place for about 259 00:16:45,076 --> 00:16:49,156 Speaker 1: two hours, fighting to keep herself awake. Then a strange 260 00:16:49,156 --> 00:16:52,756 Speaker 1: sense of peace descended upon her. She allowed herself to 261 00:16:52,836 --> 00:16:57,556 Speaker 1: drift into the darkness. The next thing Olivia became aware 262 00:16:57,556 --> 00:17:00,516 Speaker 1: of was the footsteps of her roommate, who burst into 263 00:17:00,556 --> 00:17:05,356 Speaker 1: Olivia's room annoyed by the incessant beeping of alarms. Olivia 264 00:17:05,436 --> 00:17:09,036 Speaker 1: heard her roommate scream, oh my God, the alarms cante 265 00:17:09,316 --> 00:17:13,476 Speaker 1: you to go off. Beep, beep beep. Her roommate was 266 00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:17,236 Speaker 1: now calling nine one one. Olivia registered all of this 267 00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:20,196 Speaker 1: as if it were coming from far away. She could 268 00:17:20,196 --> 00:17:23,756 Speaker 1: hear the wails of an ambulance siren. Soon, a medic 269 00:17:23,796 --> 00:17:27,836 Speaker 1: was leaning over her, asking her questions, Olivia, Olivia, can 270 00:17:27,876 --> 00:17:32,156 Speaker 1: you hear me? When Olivia woke up, or sort of 271 00:17:32,196 --> 00:17:35,556 Speaker 1: woke up, her eyes were still closed. She was lying 272 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,156 Speaker 1: flat in a bed and hooked up to a ventilator. 273 00:17:39,316 --> 00:17:43,156 Speaker 1: The metronomic noises of hospital machines filled the air. Two 274 00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,956 Speaker 1: people were talking. They sounded like her parents, and they 275 00:17:45,996 --> 00:17:49,596 Speaker 1: sounded distressed. Do they even know I'm alive in here? 276 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:53,396 Speaker 1: Olivia thought, with sudden panic, are they going to pull 277 00:17:53,436 --> 00:17:57,316 Speaker 1: the plug? But before she could do anything, she again 278 00:17:57,436 --> 00:18:01,476 Speaker 1: drifted out of consciousness. The next time she came to, 279 00:18:01,796 --> 00:18:05,076 Speaker 1: her eyes opened, a nurse in blue scrubs was dabbing 280 00:18:05,116 --> 00:18:08,156 Speaker 1: a wet sponge against Olivia's lips while doctors talked to 281 00:18:08,196 --> 00:18:11,316 Speaker 1: one another by the side of her hospital bed. When 282 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:14,196 Speaker 1: she woke up again, a kind looking woman she didn't 283 00:18:14,236 --> 00:18:17,396 Speaker 1: know was strumming a guitar at her bedside, singing a 284 00:18:17,436 --> 00:18:21,796 Speaker 1: song by Maroon Five, one of Olivia's favorite bands. When 285 00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,316 Speaker 1: the woman finished the song, she asked Olivia if there 286 00:18:24,356 --> 00:18:27,476 Speaker 1: was another one she might like to hear. Olivia heard 287 00:18:27,516 --> 00:18:30,436 Speaker 1: the question, but the words passed over her like air. 288 00:18:31,636 --> 00:18:34,796 Speaker 1: And then later, her aunt was sitting next to her, 289 00:18:34,996 --> 00:18:37,916 Speaker 1: looking at her intently and holding up a board with 290 00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:41,396 Speaker 1: each letter of the alphabet printed on it. What were 291 00:18:41,396 --> 00:18:45,796 Speaker 1: the letters for Olivia? Her aunt said, Olivia, if you 292 00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:55,676 Speaker 1: can understand what I'm saying, please blink. Olivia blinked. Olivia 293 00:18:55,756 --> 00:18:59,556 Speaker 1: had suffered a massive brainstem stroke, which damaged the regions 294 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:02,396 Speaker 1: of her brain that controlled voluntary muscle movement for the 295 00:19:02,596 --> 00:19:06,396 Speaker 1: entire body except for the eyes. The stroke had left 296 00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:10,476 Speaker 1: her with a condition called locked in syndrome, unable to 297 00:19:10,556 --> 00:19:15,956 Speaker 1: voluntarily move, speak, make facial expressions, chew, or swallow. People 298 00:19:15,996 --> 00:19:18,956 Speaker 1: with locked in syndrome can mistakenly be thought to lack 299 00:19:18,996 --> 00:19:24,476 Speaker 1: consciousness altogether. They do, however, retain their full cognitive abilities 300 00:19:24,476 --> 00:19:28,596 Speaker 1: and personality traits. They are able to think, reason, and 301 00:19:28,716 --> 00:19:34,396 Speaker 1: feel the same emotions as before. Their cardiovascular, digestive, urinary, 302 00:19:34,596 --> 00:19:39,156 Speaker 1: and other autonomic systems also generally continue to function, though 303 00:19:39,196 --> 00:19:43,196 Speaker 1: breathing support is often required. Some people with locked in 304 00:19:43,276 --> 00:19:47,316 Speaker 1: syndrome can make noises or vocalizations like crying or laughing. 305 00:19:48,876 --> 00:19:52,276 Speaker 1: The condition gained greater recognition after the publication of the 306 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:57,036 Speaker 1: memoir The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean Dominique Boubi, 307 00:19:57,836 --> 00:20:00,996 Speaker 1: a former editor in chief of the French magazine L 308 00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:06,316 Speaker 1: bob suffered a brainstem stroke in December nineteen ninety five. 309 00:20:07,316 --> 00:20:10,556 Speaker 1: After being in a coma for twenty ti he awoke 310 00:20:10,596 --> 00:20:13,276 Speaker 1: in a hospital to find that he was unable to 311 00:20:13,356 --> 00:20:17,836 Speaker 1: initiate any muscle movement except for the muscles controlling his 312 00:20:17,956 --> 00:20:22,836 Speaker 1: left eyelid. Which allowed him to blink to help him communicate. 313 00:20:23,276 --> 00:20:26,436 Speaker 1: His speech therapist would recite the letters of the alphabet, 314 00:20:26,956 --> 00:20:30,076 Speaker 1: and Bob would blink when she arrived at the correct letter. 315 00:20:31,276 --> 00:20:34,836 Speaker 1: Using this method, he could slowly spell out words letter 316 00:20:34,996 --> 00:20:40,436 Speaker 1: by letter. In other cases, like Olivia's, caregivers will slide 317 00:20:40,476 --> 00:20:42,876 Speaker 1: a finger along a board that lists the letters of 318 00:20:42,916 --> 00:20:46,316 Speaker 1: the alphabet, and patients blink when they arrive at the 319 00:20:46,316 --> 00:20:51,036 Speaker 1: correct letter. Bob completed his memoir this way, spending at 320 00:20:51,116 --> 00:20:53,596 Speaker 1: least three hours a day on it for two months. 321 00:20:54,516 --> 00:20:56,716 Speaker 1: He wrote about what it was like to grieve the 322 00:20:56,796 --> 00:21:01,356 Speaker 1: loss of basic pleasures, such as hugging his son. The 323 00:21:01,436 --> 00:21:05,876 Speaker 1: memoir's title offers a metaphor. His body is the diving bell, 324 00:21:06,316 --> 00:21:09,716 Speaker 1: a rigid, heavy chamber that divers used to go deep 325 00:21:09,756 --> 00:21:13,956 Speaker 1: into the ocean, and his mind is the butterfly, fluttering 326 00:21:13,996 --> 00:21:19,676 Speaker 1: about but trapped within. Locked in syndrome is exceptionally rare. 327 00:21:20,396 --> 00:21:23,636 Speaker 1: It's estimated that fewer than one thousand people in the 328 00:21:23,756 --> 00:21:27,636 Speaker 1: United States currently have it. There is no cure, and 329 00:21:27,716 --> 00:21:31,476 Speaker 1: although some people are able to recover limited voluntary motor 330 00:21:31,516 --> 00:21:37,396 Speaker 1: function after extensive rehabilitation, the long term prognosis is very poor. 331 00:21:38,316 --> 00:21:43,316 Speaker 1: The vast majority of patients never regains significant motor control. 332 00:21:43,436 --> 00:21:47,636 Speaker 1: They continue to live with severe constraints, requiring round the 333 00:21:47,636 --> 00:21:50,716 Speaker 1: clock care to meet their daily needs and to prevent 334 00:21:50,836 --> 00:21:56,116 Speaker 1: complications that can result in death. Bobi himself died fifteen 335 00:21:56,156 --> 00:22:01,116 Speaker 1: months after his diagnosis from pneumonia. Olivia did not know 336 00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:04,556 Speaker 1: any of this as she drifted in and out of consciousness, 337 00:22:05,036 --> 00:22:07,996 Speaker 1: her mind one big jumble from the steady stream of 338 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:11,756 Speaker 1: narcotics and others their medications that were being pumped into 339 00:22:11,756 --> 00:22:15,396 Speaker 1: her body through an IV. She didn't know that she 340 00:22:15,476 --> 00:22:19,076 Speaker 1: was being kept alive entirely by machines, or that she 341 00:22:19,116 --> 00:22:23,116 Speaker 1: had had brain surgery days earlier. Nor did she know 342 00:22:23,316 --> 00:22:27,196 Speaker 1: that the hospital chaplain had informed her mother that Olivia 343 00:22:27,236 --> 00:22:31,916 Speaker 1: was per the hospital's judgment past the point of reasonable return. 344 00:22:33,156 --> 00:22:36,876 Speaker 1: Physicians were recommending that Olivia move into a nursing facility. 345 00:22:37,756 --> 00:22:42,436 Speaker 1: Her grandmother, a school psychologist, was mentally preparing the family 346 00:22:42,596 --> 00:22:46,916 Speaker 1: for Olivia's death. All Olivia knew was that she had 347 00:22:46,956 --> 00:22:50,556 Speaker 1: to focus on blinking so that she could communicate her needs. 348 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,116 Speaker 1: By the end of her first week in the hospital, 349 00:22:54,636 --> 00:22:58,116 Speaker 1: Olivia gained more lucidity as doctors weaned her off some 350 00:22:58,196 --> 00:23:02,476 Speaker 1: of the medications. She became consumed with figuring out what 351 00:23:02,596 --> 00:23:07,796 Speaker 1: had happened to her. She painstakingly blinked out question after question. 352 00:23:08,836 --> 00:23:10,956 Speaker 1: Her my mom explained to her that she had had 353 00:23:10,996 --> 00:23:14,396 Speaker 1: a stroke, which had left her in a locked in state, 354 00:23:15,676 --> 00:23:19,316 Speaker 1: but Olivia was still unable to internalize that her body 355 00:23:19,396 --> 00:23:24,116 Speaker 1: had been profoundly altered. It was only when her boyfriend 356 00:23:24,156 --> 00:23:28,676 Speaker 1: Sean brought his family to visit the following week, his parents, aunt, 357 00:23:28,756 --> 00:23:32,796 Speaker 1: and uncle filing into her cramped hospital room, that the 358 00:23:32,836 --> 00:23:37,116 Speaker 1: gravity of her condition began to dawn on her. As 359 00:23:37,156 --> 00:23:39,476 Speaker 1: Sean and his family stood at the foot of her bed, 360 00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:43,916 Speaker 1: trying to puncture the silence by sharing lighthearted memories from 361 00:23:43,996 --> 00:23:47,036 Speaker 1: a summer beach trip they had taken with Olivia, she 362 00:23:47,236 --> 00:23:51,916 Speaker 1: sensed their unease. Oh God, they must feel so awkward 363 00:23:51,996 --> 00:23:56,036 Speaker 1: right now, Olivia thought, do something to make them feel 364 00:23:56,076 --> 00:24:01,356 Speaker 1: more comfortable. Fix this. Olivia had always been intimidated by 365 00:24:01,356 --> 00:24:05,756 Speaker 1: Shawn's family. They ran indifferent, more elite social circles than hers, 366 00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:09,516 Speaker 1: frequenting the local country club and living in a wealthy 367 00:24:09,556 --> 00:24:13,476 Speaker 1: part of town. Every time Olivia went over to Shawn's 368 00:24:13,516 --> 00:24:16,476 Speaker 1: house for dinner, his dad made her feel as if 369 00:24:16,476 --> 00:24:18,996 Speaker 1: she were being interviewed for a job, she had no 370 00:24:19,276 --> 00:24:23,036 Speaker 1: chance of getting convinced that she didn't have his family's 371 00:24:23,076 --> 00:24:27,116 Speaker 1: approval because she wasn't accomplished enough, or pretty enough, or 372 00:24:27,196 --> 00:24:31,436 Speaker 1: sophisticated enough. Olivia had joined them for their summer vacation 373 00:24:31,556 --> 00:24:35,436 Speaker 1: to the beach, determined to win them over. In the 374 00:24:35,436 --> 00:24:38,356 Speaker 1: weeks leading up to the trip, she brainstormed ways to 375 00:24:38,396 --> 00:24:41,876 Speaker 1: show them that she was worthy of their son. Sure, 376 00:24:41,996 --> 00:24:45,076 Speaker 1: she was currently working as a hostess at a restaurant, 377 00:24:45,356 --> 00:24:48,436 Speaker 1: but it was her competitive fall internship at a marketing 378 00:24:48,476 --> 00:24:52,476 Speaker 1: agency that she really cared about. Oh, and did she 379 00:24:52,636 --> 00:24:57,116 Speaker 1: mention all the books she was reading. Despite her best attempts, 380 00:24:57,116 --> 00:25:00,476 Speaker 1: though she had left the trip knowing it hadn't been enough, 381 00:25:01,236 --> 00:25:05,156 Speaker 1: she would simply have to try harder next time. But 382 00:25:05,236 --> 00:25:07,716 Speaker 1: as Olivia lay in her hospital bed, she could, of 383 00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:11,716 Speaker 1: course do nothing. With a trichyotomy tube now hanging from 384 00:25:11,716 --> 00:25:15,516 Speaker 1: her neck and no ability to make facial expressions, she 385 00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:19,116 Speaker 1: could not project poise and grace. She could not thank 386 00:25:19,196 --> 00:25:23,076 Speaker 1: Shan's family for coming or encourage their halting efforts to 387 00:25:23,076 --> 00:25:25,956 Speaker 1: connect with her. She could not make jokes about the 388 00:25:25,996 --> 00:25:29,476 Speaker 1: hospital food or not a long and offer reassurance that 389 00:25:29,556 --> 00:25:32,956 Speaker 1: she knew they meant well, that their nervous laughter and 390 00:25:33,076 --> 00:25:39,076 Speaker 1: tense body language were totally fine, totally understandable. As Sean's 391 00:25:39,076 --> 00:25:42,436 Speaker 1: family got ready to leave Olivia's room, his uncle walked 392 00:25:42,476 --> 00:25:46,316 Speaker 1: over to her bedside. He hesitated for a moment, uncertain 393 00:25:46,356 --> 00:25:50,036 Speaker 1: about how exactly he ought to say goodbye. He placed 394 00:25:50,036 --> 00:25:53,316 Speaker 1: his hand gently on hers Hang in there, Olivia, he 395 00:25:53,356 --> 00:25:58,356 Speaker 1: whispered kindly. Suddenly the room filled with loud, piercing screams, 396 00:25:58,836 --> 00:26:03,236 Speaker 1: like a hyena's, Olivia thought. Then it hit her she 397 00:26:03,516 --> 00:26:07,196 Speaker 1: was the one making the sounds. She was crying uncontrollably, 398 00:26:07,436 --> 00:26:10,796 Speaker 1: but it was coming out as screeches. Alarmed that they 399 00:26:10,836 --> 00:26:14,476 Speaker 1: might have said something wrong to cause Olivia's outburst, Shawn's 400 00:26:14,516 --> 00:26:18,516 Speaker 1: family quickly ushered themselves out. This was more than Olivia 401 00:26:18,556 --> 00:26:23,156 Speaker 1: could bear. Afterward, when she was alone with Sean, Olivia 402 00:26:23,276 --> 00:26:26,996 Speaker 1: used her blinks to apologize for having made a scene. 403 00:26:27,076 --> 00:26:29,996 Speaker 1: She wasn't sure why this particular moment had led her 404 00:26:30,036 --> 00:26:33,796 Speaker 1: to break down. For nearly two weeks now, she'd endured 405 00:26:33,836 --> 00:26:37,836 Speaker 1: the harrowing experience of being walked in. Why had it 406 00:26:37,876 --> 00:26:41,276 Speaker 1: taken interacting with Shawn's family for the magnitude of it 407 00:26:41,316 --> 00:26:44,556 Speaker 1: all to register. Why was she concerned with how she 408 00:26:44,596 --> 00:26:48,156 Speaker 1: appeared to her boyfriend's family when she couldn't swallow a 409 00:26:48,196 --> 00:26:51,836 Speaker 1: bite of food, use the bathroom, speak, or move a 410 00:26:51,916 --> 00:26:55,876 Speaker 1: single limb on her own. As the weeks passed, though, 411 00:26:55,956 --> 00:27:00,636 Speaker 1: Olivia could not shake her self consciousness, this deep instinctual 412 00:27:00,676 --> 00:27:04,156 Speaker 1: feeling that everyone else's opinion of her mattered so much, 413 00:27:04,716 --> 00:27:08,636 Speaker 1: even more than her own suffering. She cried from embarrassment 414 00:27:08,676 --> 00:27:11,476 Speaker 1: when nurse discuss her bowel movements in front of Sean 415 00:27:11,556 --> 00:27:14,916 Speaker 1: and her friends. She cried when her team of physicians 416 00:27:14,956 --> 00:27:18,716 Speaker 1: shared every detail about her physical state with medical residents. 417 00:27:19,156 --> 00:27:22,476 Speaker 1: She cried when one of her closest friends, Emily, brought 418 00:27:22,516 --> 00:27:25,836 Speaker 1: her new boyfriend along on a visit and Olivia, her 419 00:27:25,876 --> 00:27:29,076 Speaker 1: mouth now hanging open by default due to the paralysis 420 00:27:29,076 --> 00:27:32,596 Speaker 1: of her jaw and facial muscles, drooled on herself in 421 00:27:32,636 --> 00:27:37,356 Speaker 1: front of them. Olivia cursed so loudly to herself that 422 00:27:37,436 --> 00:27:40,076 Speaker 1: she wondered if Emily and her boyfriend could hear the 423 00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:44,716 Speaker 1: words reverberating through her skull. That night, as was now 424 00:27:44,796 --> 00:27:49,956 Speaker 1: the case, every night, Olivia cried, her wails, rousing patience nearby. 425 00:27:51,436 --> 00:27:54,196 Speaker 1: It had taken so long for Olivia to feel like 426 00:27:54,236 --> 00:27:57,276 Speaker 1: other people were accepting her, and now she could no 427 00:27:57,356 --> 00:28:00,076 Speaker 1: longer be who she wanted to be in front of them. 428 00:28:00,516 --> 00:28:03,356 Speaker 1: Friends from high school and college came to visit, as 429 00:28:03,356 --> 00:28:06,436 Speaker 1: did her professors, the dean of her college, and even 430 00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:09,916 Speaker 1: her boss from her internship. Though she was grateful for 431 00:28:09,956 --> 00:28:14,316 Speaker 1: the outpouring of care, Olivia resented their visits. She could 432 00:28:14,356 --> 00:28:18,116 Speaker 1: not stand being so exposed. It was easier to just 433 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:22,276 Speaker 1: not see anyone. At night, staring at the ceiling from 434 00:28:22,276 --> 00:28:25,796 Speaker 1: her hospital bed, Olivia thought about evenings back in high 435 00:28:25,796 --> 00:28:28,956 Speaker 1: school when she'd complained about doing the dishes after dinner. 436 00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:32,916 Speaker 1: She closed her eyes and conjured up the green apple 437 00:28:32,996 --> 00:28:36,556 Speaker 1: scent of the dish soap. She imagined herself standing in 438 00:28:36,556 --> 00:28:41,156 Speaker 1: front of the sink, slowly and methodically washing each plate, bowl, 439 00:28:41,236 --> 00:28:44,956 Speaker 1: and utensil by hand. Then she made a promise to 440 00:28:44,996 --> 00:28:49,796 Speaker 1: the universe, if I ever recover, I will never ever 441 00:28:49,916 --> 00:28:56,596 Speaker 1: complain about doing the dishes again. Olivia's initial physical therapy 442 00:28:56,636 --> 00:29:02,476 Speaker 1: sessions involved a relatively basic task, sitting upright. Her therapist 443 00:29:02,556 --> 00:29:05,076 Speaker 1: would prop her up against a sturdy set of pillows 444 00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:07,836 Speaker 1: in her hospital bed and challenge her to sit in 445 00:29:07,836 --> 00:29:10,916 Speaker 1: this position for only a minute or two, but the 446 00:29:10,996 --> 00:29:15,116 Speaker 1: sessions were excruciating, the pain in her limbs so fierce 447 00:29:15,156 --> 00:29:20,116 Speaker 1: and unrelenting that she would sometimes vomit. I don't want 448 00:29:20,156 --> 00:29:24,636 Speaker 1: to be here, she blinked repeatedly to her parents. Why 449 00:29:24,676 --> 00:29:28,676 Speaker 1: had this happened to her? Of all people. She rarely drank, 450 00:29:28,996 --> 00:29:33,876 Speaker 1: never did drugs, ate well, and exercised regularly. Every time 451 00:29:33,996 --> 00:29:37,356 Speaker 1: a nurse came around with scissors or a needle, Olivia 452 00:29:37,476 --> 00:29:41,196 Speaker 1: imagined lunging for the instrument and stabbing herself in the neck. 453 00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:44,156 Speaker 1: She wondered if she might be able to persuade a 454 00:29:44,196 --> 00:29:46,716 Speaker 1: friend to bring her pills so that she could overdose. 455 00:29:47,636 --> 00:29:53,156 Speaker 1: The thought of having such agency was intoxicating. Olivia's family 456 00:29:53,236 --> 00:29:57,516 Speaker 1: knew that she was in desperate need of inspiration. Her grandfather, 457 00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:02,876 Speaker 1: a former rehabilitation counselor, discovered the memoir Running Free, written 458 00:30:02,916 --> 00:30:06,196 Speaker 1: by a woman named Kate Allet, who had become locked 459 00:30:06,196 --> 00:30:09,796 Speaker 1: in after suffering a stroke at the age of thirty nine. 460 00:30:09,916 --> 00:30:13,956 Speaker 1: Kate had made a miraculous recovery, regaining her ability to 461 00:30:14,116 --> 00:30:17,396 Speaker 1: speak and walk in less than six months. She had 462 00:30:17,436 --> 00:30:20,676 Speaker 1: even gone on to run in a race. As Olivia's 463 00:30:20,716 --> 00:30:24,796 Speaker 1: grandfather read the memoir aloud, Olivia clung to the details 464 00:30:24,836 --> 00:30:28,276 Speaker 1: of Kate's story, she decided that she too would have 465 00:30:28,316 --> 00:30:32,396 Speaker 1: a miraculous recovery. If she didn't, she told herself she 466 00:30:32,436 --> 00:30:35,436 Speaker 1: would have no choice but to move someplace far away 467 00:30:35,596 --> 00:30:39,316 Speaker 1: and live underground, maybe in a cave. She would cut 468 00:30:39,356 --> 00:30:44,076 Speaker 1: off contact with everyone. In the weeks that followed, Olivia 469 00:30:44,116 --> 00:30:48,556 Speaker 1: became obsessed with Kate's recovery, memorizing every element of her 470 00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:52,636 Speaker 1: rehabilitation plan. She asked her friends and family to email 471 00:30:52,716 --> 00:30:56,916 Speaker 1: Kate on her behalf, requesting more detailed information about how 472 00:30:56,996 --> 00:31:00,756 Speaker 1: and when exactly she had met certain milestones. Kate even 473 00:31:00,836 --> 00:31:04,396 Speaker 1: became a bit of a hero among Olivia's friends. When 474 00:31:04,436 --> 00:31:07,316 Speaker 1: they came to visit Olivia in the hospital, they'd scroll 475 00:31:07,396 --> 00:31:11,076 Speaker 1: through Kate's Instagram account and oh Olivia videos and photos 476 00:31:11,116 --> 00:31:16,436 Speaker 1: to encourage her. One afternoon, at Olivia's request, her grandfather 477 00:31:16,556 --> 00:31:20,116 Speaker 1: opened YouTube and found a TEDx talk that Kate had given. 478 00:31:20,916 --> 00:31:23,436 Speaker 1: He stationed his iPad in front of Olivia so that 479 00:31:23,476 --> 00:31:26,396 Speaker 1: she could watch it with headphones, and then he returned 480 00:31:26,396 --> 00:31:29,556 Speaker 1: to his chair to read a book because his YouTube 481 00:31:29,556 --> 00:31:32,676 Speaker 1: account was set to AutoPlay, though a new video with 482 00:31:32,756 --> 00:31:37,316 Speaker 1: similar content immediately started after Kate's finished this one was 483 00:31:37,316 --> 00:31:39,556 Speaker 1: about a woman who'd become locked in at the age 484 00:31:39,556 --> 00:31:43,156 Speaker 1: of twenty and had only minimally recovered over the years. 485 00:31:44,076 --> 00:31:47,756 Speaker 1: Olivia watched in horror as images of this woman's daily 486 00:31:47,836 --> 00:31:50,796 Speaker 1: life played out on screen, but she could not yell 487 00:31:50,836 --> 00:31:54,076 Speaker 1: out to her grandfather to stop the video. As it 488 00:31:54,116 --> 00:31:58,676 Speaker 1: played on, she grew increasingly panicked. Finally, the video ended, 489 00:31:58,956 --> 00:32:02,036 Speaker 1: but the possibility of encountering another story like this one 490 00:32:02,476 --> 00:32:06,756 Speaker 1: became her greatest source of anxiety. She asked her grandfather 491 00:32:06,876 --> 00:32:09,636 Speaker 1: to watch the iPad carefully whenever he pl play things 492 00:32:09,636 --> 00:32:11,996 Speaker 1: for her in the future, so that she could shield 493 00:32:12,036 --> 00:32:15,956 Speaker 1: herself from any stories that did not resemble Kate's. What 494 00:32:16,076 --> 00:32:20,076 Speaker 1: she needed from her family was constant reassurance, often two 495 00:32:20,196 --> 00:32:23,356 Speaker 1: or three times a day, that Kate's story would be 496 00:32:23,396 --> 00:32:28,196 Speaker 1: her story. But by December, two months after her stroke, 497 00:32:28,836 --> 00:32:31,916 Speaker 1: it was clear that Olivia's recovery was not at all 498 00:32:32,036 --> 00:32:35,916 Speaker 1: resembling Kate's. Other than regaining the ability to breathe on 499 00:32:35,956 --> 00:32:40,156 Speaker 1: her own, Olivia felt she'd barely made any progress. She 500 00:32:40,196 --> 00:32:43,196 Speaker 1: could only tilt her neck a tiny bit upward, raise 501 00:32:43,236 --> 00:32:46,236 Speaker 1: her left arm by an inch or so, and sometimes 502 00:32:46,276 --> 00:32:49,836 Speaker 1: lift her left index finger by a centimeter. When she'd 503 00:32:49,836 --> 00:32:53,116 Speaker 1: first moved her finger, her family had cheered out loud 504 00:32:53,796 --> 00:32:56,916 Speaker 1: it was a remarkable achievement and not one to be 505 00:32:56,956 --> 00:32:59,756 Speaker 1: taken for granted, given the fates of so many other 506 00:32:59,916 --> 00:33:04,996 Speaker 1: locked in patients. But Olivia felt patronized. She was going 507 00:33:05,036 --> 00:33:08,676 Speaker 1: to be the next Kate. Why couldn't her family understand this? 508 00:33:09,476 --> 00:33:12,836 Speaker 1: Being able to walk would be a milestone, wor it's celebrating. 509 00:33:14,356 --> 00:33:18,716 Speaker 1: Her grandfather tried to give Olivia more realistic expectations, telling 510 00:33:18,756 --> 00:33:21,556 Speaker 1: her that she might experience a range of outcomes and 511 00:33:21,636 --> 00:33:25,396 Speaker 1: that that was okay. They should rejoice in any improvement, 512 00:33:25,596 --> 00:33:30,756 Speaker 1: however modest. But Olivia rejected this advice. The prospect of 513 00:33:30,836 --> 00:33:35,356 Speaker 1: being a diminished version of herself was simply intolerable. How 514 00:33:35,356 --> 00:33:39,916 Speaker 1: would anyone, her boyfriend, her friends, her community accept her? 515 00:33:40,596 --> 00:33:44,116 Speaker 1: How would she even accept herself? In order to go on, 516 00:33:44,396 --> 00:33:47,876 Speaker 1: she denied the possibility of anything less than a full 517 00:33:47,996 --> 00:33:54,876 Speaker 1: and speedy recovery. Before her stroke, Olivia could not have imagined, 518 00:33:55,076 --> 00:33:58,716 Speaker 1: even with her health related anxieties, just how suddenly she 519 00:33:58,876 --> 00:34:02,956 Speaker 1: be thrust into uncharted territory. The same can be true 520 00:34:03,036 --> 00:34:05,876 Speaker 1: for any of us. In a moment, a change can 521 00:34:05,956 --> 00:34:10,076 Speaker 1: disrupt all that was familiar, and the changes we face 522 00:34:10,236 --> 00:34:13,596 Speaker 1: may be nowhere near as severe as what Olivia experienced, 523 00:34:14,076 --> 00:34:17,836 Speaker 1: they can still send shockwaves through our lives. When a 524 00:34:17,916 --> 00:34:21,436 Speaker 1: romantic relationship ends, we must conceive of a life without 525 00:34:21,436 --> 00:34:24,556 Speaker 1: the other person. When we get laid off, we might 526 00:34:24,596 --> 00:34:28,076 Speaker 1: be unable to pay our bills. When we receive a 527 00:34:28,116 --> 00:34:31,676 Speaker 1: diagnosis of depression, we may struggle with the stigma that 528 00:34:31,756 --> 00:34:35,756 Speaker 1: surrounds it. As we muddle through these transitions, it can 529 00:34:35,796 --> 00:34:39,156 Speaker 1: be tempting to deny our new situation as a way 530 00:34:39,236 --> 00:34:43,836 Speaker 1: of protecting ourselves from negative emotions like grief, shame, fear, 531 00:34:44,156 --> 00:34:49,236 Speaker 1: or helplessness. Although denial commonly occurs in the immediate aftermath 532 00:34:49,276 --> 00:34:52,636 Speaker 1: of a change, it can also emerge later on in 533 00:34:52,676 --> 00:34:57,356 Speaker 1: different ways and at varying degrees of intensity. People are 534 00:34:57,396 --> 00:35:00,636 Speaker 1: constantly seeking a way to comprehend what is happening to them, 535 00:35:01,116 --> 00:35:06,396 Speaker 1: writes the psychologist Richard Lazarus. This ongoing process of construing 536 00:35:06,436 --> 00:35:10,836 Speaker 1: reality is a constantly changing one, depending on many variables 537 00:35:10,876 --> 00:35:15,076 Speaker 1: within and outside of the person. Lazarus says that when 538 00:35:15,116 --> 00:35:18,276 Speaker 1: it comes to denial, we are dealing with flux, and 539 00:35:18,316 --> 00:35:21,076 Speaker 1: we must always be aware of the slippery nature of 540 00:35:21,116 --> 00:35:25,076 Speaker 1: the event we are trying to understand. Denial can take 541 00:35:25,116 --> 00:35:29,156 Speaker 1: different forms. If a person is experiencing first order denial, 542 00:35:29,476 --> 00:35:32,636 Speaker 1: they will deny the basic facts of their situation, like 543 00:35:32,676 --> 00:35:36,876 Speaker 1: the diagnosis they've received or the death of a loved one. If, 544 00:35:36,996 --> 00:35:41,076 Speaker 1: like Olivia, they're experiencing second order denial, they will accept 545 00:35:41,116 --> 00:35:44,916 Speaker 1: the basic facts of their situation but deny the implications 546 00:35:44,956 --> 00:35:48,396 Speaker 1: of those facts. They might minimize the seriousness of what 547 00:35:48,476 --> 00:35:52,116 Speaker 1: is happening, or project an overly optimistic view of the 548 00:35:52,156 --> 00:35:56,156 Speaker 1: path ahead. They might also engage in avoidance and steer 549 00:35:56,196 --> 00:36:00,076 Speaker 1: clear of anything that contradicts their narrative, as Olivia did 550 00:36:00,156 --> 00:36:03,596 Speaker 1: when she shut out recovery stories that weren't Like Kates, 551 00:36:04,636 --> 00:36:07,396 Speaker 1: you can think of denial as a kind of psychological 552 00:36:07,476 --> 00:36:11,156 Speaker 1: immune response, so the moment our minds detect a threat 553 00:36:11,236 --> 00:36:17,196 Speaker 1: to our internal state, protective measures are deployed. Olivia's denial 554 00:36:17,356 --> 00:36:20,236 Speaker 1: was a response to a threat to her self identity. 555 00:36:21,156 --> 00:36:23,476 Speaker 1: In the months following her stroke, she held on to 556 00:36:23,556 --> 00:36:26,396 Speaker 1: the belief that she would quickly recapture her old self, 557 00:36:27,196 --> 00:36:29,476 Speaker 1: not just because she was in pain and wanted it 558 00:36:29,476 --> 00:36:32,516 Speaker 1: to end, or because she wanted to walk, talk and 559 00:36:32,636 --> 00:36:35,236 Speaker 1: eat on her own spend time with her friends and 560 00:36:35,316 --> 00:36:39,276 Speaker 1: hug her boyfriend, and do the activity she loved. Though 561 00:36:39,316 --> 00:36:43,276 Speaker 1: of course all of this was true. On a deeper level, 562 00:36:43,516 --> 00:36:46,996 Speaker 1: she experienced denial because her stroke had destroyed the version 563 00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:50,316 Speaker 1: of her who was just starting to feel like she belonged. 564 00:36:51,596 --> 00:36:54,796 Speaker 1: For any of us, our attachment to a specific identity 565 00:36:54,916 --> 00:36:57,676 Speaker 1: can stand in the way of accepting our new reality. 566 00:36:58,596 --> 00:37:01,356 Speaker 1: If you anchor your worth to your reputation as a parent, 567 00:37:01,956 --> 00:37:04,876 Speaker 1: you might initially dismiss reports that your child is having 568 00:37:04,916 --> 00:37:08,876 Speaker 1: behavioral problems in school. If you pride yourself on excelling 569 00:37:08,876 --> 00:37:12,636 Speaker 1: it work, you might refuse to accept a poor performance review. 570 00:37:13,476 --> 00:37:17,276 Speaker 1: If you've long valued your steadiness during stressful times, you 571 00:37:17,396 --> 00:37:20,716 Speaker 1: might struggle to accept the onset of an anxiety disorder. 572 00:37:22,116 --> 00:37:24,236 Speaker 1: A threat to our sense of self is, of course, 573 00:37:24,316 --> 00:37:28,556 Speaker 1: only one potential cause of denial. Denial can also stem 574 00:37:28,596 --> 00:37:31,596 Speaker 1: from a fear that you or those you love lack 575 00:37:31,676 --> 00:37:35,716 Speaker 1: the skills or resources to handle the consequences of a change. 576 00:37:35,796 --> 00:37:39,796 Speaker 1: For example, a parent who receives a scary medical diagnosis 577 00:37:40,156 --> 00:37:43,836 Speaker 1: might fool themselves into believing they're not actually sick, so 578 00:37:43,876 --> 00:37:46,796 Speaker 1: that they can avoid burdening their young children with the news. 579 00:37:47,636 --> 00:37:50,796 Speaker 1: Denial can also emerge if your change carries a social 580 00:37:50,796 --> 00:37:53,956 Speaker 1: stigma and you're afraid of how others might now treat you. 581 00:37:55,116 --> 00:37:59,076 Speaker 1: As another example, when you're responsible for causing the change, 582 00:37:59,276 --> 00:38:02,676 Speaker 1: perhaps your excess spending has led you into debt. You 583 00:38:02,796 --> 00:38:05,796 Speaker 1: might engage in denial because it's easier to ignore your 584 00:38:05,876 --> 00:38:11,556 Speaker 1: situation than to acknowledge the decisions you've made. In certain contexts, 585 00:38:11,556 --> 00:38:15,316 Speaker 1: denial can be beneficial. It can offer us a powerful 586 00:38:15,396 --> 00:38:19,796 Speaker 1: feeling of control, motivation, and hope. There is a grace 587 00:38:19,916 --> 00:38:23,836 Speaker 1: in denial. Rite the grief researchers Elizabeth Koopler Ross and 588 00:38:23,916 --> 00:38:27,556 Speaker 1: David Kessler, it is nature's way of letting in only 589 00:38:27,636 --> 00:38:31,236 Speaker 1: as much as we can handle. One study explored the 590 00:38:31,276 --> 00:38:35,316 Speaker 1: recovery trajectories of patients who had been hospitalized for heart problems. 591 00:38:36,116 --> 00:38:39,196 Speaker 1: Those with high levels of denial had better short term 592 00:38:39,236 --> 00:38:43,476 Speaker 1: outcomes than those with low levels. High denial patients spent 593 00:38:43,636 --> 00:38:47,076 Speaker 1: less time in intensive care and had fewer heart related 594 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:51,556 Speaker 1: symptoms during their hospital stays. For Olivia, her belief that 595 00:38:51,636 --> 00:38:55,756 Speaker 1: her recovery would mirror Kates not only boosted her optimism 596 00:38:56,236 --> 00:38:59,396 Speaker 1: but provided a jolt of motivation to push her through 597 00:38:59,756 --> 00:39:05,716 Speaker 1: a grueling physical rehabilitation regimen, but denial has its downsides. 598 00:39:06,276 --> 00:39:09,596 Speaker 1: The same study on patients with heart problems showed that 599 00:39:09,636 --> 00:39:13,276 Speaker 1: those with high levels of denial had worse outcomes in 600 00:39:13,316 --> 00:39:16,876 Speaker 1: the year after their discharge from the hospital compared with 601 00:39:16,916 --> 00:39:20,396 Speaker 1: low denial patients. They were less consistent in following their 602 00:39:20,436 --> 00:39:26,396 Speaker 1: medical recommendations and ended up requiring more rehospitalization. For Olivia, 603 00:39:26,716 --> 00:39:29,676 Speaker 1: the downside of her specific denial was that it set 604 00:39:29,716 --> 00:39:33,156 Speaker 1: her up for potential devastation in the likely event that 605 00:39:33,196 --> 00:39:37,756 Speaker 1: she never recovered as fully as Kate had. As Olivia 606 00:39:37,836 --> 00:39:40,676 Speaker 1: lay in her hospital bed, she decided that if she 607 00:39:40,756 --> 00:39:42,956 Speaker 1: really wanted to get back to who she'd been at 608 00:39:42,956 --> 00:39:45,876 Speaker 1: a rate that was acceptable, she would need a change 609 00:39:45,876 --> 00:39:49,676 Speaker 1: of scenery. Her days had fallen into a rhythm, with 610 00:39:49,716 --> 00:39:52,716 Speaker 1: her friends visiting her between their classes in the afternoon, 611 00:39:53,156 --> 00:39:56,076 Speaker 1: and Sean occasionally spending the night on a pull out cot. 612 00:39:56,916 --> 00:40:01,036 Speaker 1: She appreciated their support, but also felt stuck. As she 613 00:40:01,196 --> 00:40:04,396 Speaker 1: saw it, she was wasting her mental energy feeling anxious 614 00:40:04,396 --> 00:40:08,236 Speaker 1: about her appearance and trying to make her interactions less awkward. 615 00:40:09,276 --> 00:40:12,356 Speaker 1: She really needed to focus on was learning to walk again, 616 00:40:13,676 --> 00:40:17,116 Speaker 1: and so when her family told her about an opportunity 617 00:40:17,156 --> 00:40:19,756 Speaker 1: for treatment at one of the top rehab centers in 618 00:40:19,796 --> 00:40:24,436 Speaker 1: the country, Spalding Rehabilitation Hospital in Boston, more than five 619 00:40:24,516 --> 00:40:28,556 Speaker 1: hundred miles away from her family's home in Virginia. Olivia 620 00:40:28,716 --> 00:40:32,476 Speaker 1: didn't hesitate because she wouldn't have the ability to press 621 00:40:32,476 --> 00:40:35,916 Speaker 1: an emergency call button or yell out if an issue arose. 622 00:40:36,396 --> 00:40:40,716 Speaker 1: She would require round the clock care at Spalding. Fortunately, 623 00:40:40,876 --> 00:40:44,036 Speaker 1: her aunt and uncle already lived in Boston, and her 624 00:40:44,036 --> 00:40:46,956 Speaker 1: grandfather offered to move there to spend his days with her. 625 00:40:47,596 --> 00:40:51,716 Speaker 1: Olivia was thrilled the change would spare her friends and 626 00:40:51,876 --> 00:40:55,836 Speaker 1: especially Sean, the messiness of it all, her expressionless face, 627 00:40:56,196 --> 00:41:00,596 Speaker 1: her physical pain, her hyena shrieks. She would work hard 628 00:41:00,796 --> 00:41:03,156 Speaker 1: away from their gaze, and when they came to visit, 629 00:41:03,436 --> 00:41:06,076 Speaker 1: she would be ready. I will be back to my 630 00:41:06,236 --> 00:41:23,076 Speaker 1: old self, she thought. Hey, thanks for listening to that 631 00:41:23,196 --> 00:41:26,596 Speaker 1: sneak preview of the other side of change. You can 632 00:41:26,636 --> 00:41:29,196 Speaker 1: finish Olivia's story and read the rest of the Other 633 00:41:29,276 --> 00:41:32,156 Speaker 1: Side of Change by getting your copy today wherever you 634 00:41:32,196 --> 00:41:36,796 Speaker 1: buy books. It's available in hardcover, ebook and audiobook. And 635 00:41:36,836 --> 00:41:39,836 Speaker 1: a little housekeeping before we go, a slight change of 636 00:41:39,836 --> 00:41:43,036 Speaker 1: plans will now appear in your podcast feed on Tuesdays 637 00:41:43,076 --> 00:41:47,956 Speaker 1: instead of Mondays and exciting news. We'll be publishing episodes 638 00:41:48,116 --> 00:41:50,996 Speaker 1: every week this year. That means we'll be back in 639 00:41:51,036 --> 00:41:54,876 Speaker 1: your feed with another episode on January twentieth. Until then, 640 00:41:55,116 --> 00:41:55,996 Speaker 1: thanks for listening.