Speaker 1: Are you looking for more purpose? Do you care about
Speaker 1: living a life of well being? Are you interested in
Speaker 1: universal wisdom and spirituality? If you answered yes to any
Speaker 1: of these questions, I think you'd love my personal newsletter,
Speaker 1: Weekly Wisdom. I've been sending it out every Thursday for
Speaker 1: the last four years. I cover a wide variety of
Speaker 1: topics that contribute to our daily wellbeing and happiness. Relationships,
Speaker 1: self love, spirituality, confidence, work and career, heartbreak, emotional intelligence,
Speaker 1: and so much more. The goal here is simple. I
Speaker 1: want you to be able to read this newsletter every
Speaker 1: week and feel a little better about whatever you're going
Speaker 1: through in your life and a little more healed from
Speaker 1: the things that have hurt you in the past. If
Speaker 1: I write just one sentence that helps you in any way,
Speaker 1: then I will have done my job well. If you'd
Speaker 1: like to start receiving my newsletter in your inbox every Thursday,
Speaker 1: just go to Jayshetty newsletter dot com. That's Jayshetty newsletter
Speaker 1: dot com. The newsletter is one hundred percent free, and
Speaker 1: you can unsubscribe at any time. I hope you'll join
Speaker 1: me on this journey, sending you so much love. You
Speaker 1: know you're with the right person when they don't rely
Speaker 1: on you for everything and you don't rely on them
Speaker 1: for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends,
Speaker 1: other connections, family members that you open your heart to,
Speaker 1: and you respect the fact that they have people in
Speaker 1: their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure
Speaker 1: about the fact that they open their heart to someone
Speaker 1: else about you, and they don't feel upset about the
Speaker 1: fact that you may share your heart with someone else,
Speaker 1: because what you truly want is for you and the
Speaker 1: other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately
Speaker 1: that you both want what's best for each other. The
Speaker 1: Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay SHETTYLYJ Shetty, Hey, everyone,
Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty.
Speaker 1: I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that
Speaker 1: you chose to spend the next just under thirty minutes
Speaker 1: with me for one of our workshops, and today's session
Speaker 1: is all about want to do if you're still not
Speaker 1: over your ex. It might have been ten hours, it
Speaker 1: might be ten days, maybe it's ten months, or maybe
Speaker 1: it's even ten years, and you're still not over your ex.
Speaker 1: You keep checking them out on Instagram. You're always asking
Speaker 1: your friends about what they're up to. Maybe you even
Speaker 1: go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Your still obsessed, you're still connected, and you're not able
Speaker 1: to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on,
Speaker 1: there's two types of moving on. One type of moving
Speaker 1: on is the type of moving on what we say
Speaker 1: we've moved on when people ask us, we say, yeah,
Speaker 1: of course I've moved on. It's been ten years, there's
Speaker 1: been ten months, Come on, I'm over it. And then
Speaker 1: there's the moving on where the person becomes such a
Speaker 1: distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime,
Speaker 1: like they were with a completely different version of us,
Speaker 1: and that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore.
Speaker 1: And a lot of us want to get to that
Speaker 1: second place. That sounds enticing, It sounds exhilarating to think
Speaker 1: that maybe I could get to a point one day
Speaker 1: where the person feels like a distant memory. But I'm
Speaker 1: here to tell you this, it's absolutely normal to feel
Speaker 1: like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak,
Speaker 1: it doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you don't have a future, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you never get over them. But it's extremely,
Speaker 1: extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who after
Speaker 1: experiencing a breakup can actually get sick, they can feel depressed,
Speaker 1: and research shows that that level of pain can actually
Speaker 1: be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move
Speaker 1: on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent,
Speaker 1: the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship
Speaker 1: are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now,
Speaker 1: this study blew my mind when I first read about it,
Speaker 1: So listen to this carefully. Some of the things that
Speaker 1: you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar
Speaker 1: to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a
Speaker 1: second to recognize that detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from
Speaker 1: an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're destoxing
Speaker 1: from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing,
Speaker 1: and when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel like
Speaker 1: you're actually craving them, right, they can be this craving,
Speaker 1: this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting, and that's
Speaker 1: actually quite normal. Now, This statement is also supported by
Speaker 1: Professor Paxinos, who says the suspicion is that some of
Speaker 1: the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards
Speaker 1: such as eating, are engaged, and presumably something like the
Speaker 1: withdrawal from drugs is happening when the person loses the
Speaker 1: loved one. That's what he says. Now. Vincent categorizes relationship
Speaker 1: emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types
Speaker 1: of feelings and attachment and affection and attachment and affection.
Speaker 1: He says, we're actually created from an evolutionary perspective to
Speaker 1: keep couples together so that they would actually stay together
Speaker 1: until the children were old enough to live by themselves.
Speaker 1: Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our
Speaker 1: chemicals were designed so that we would stay together, so
Speaker 1: that the kids we have would be adults who could
Speaker 1: take care of themselves. Now that blows my mind because
Speaker 1: it just shows us that when you go through a breakup,
Speaker 1: you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So
Speaker 1: now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself, you have
Speaker 1: empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for
Speaker 1: maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup,
Speaker 1: and you keep looking at them, going, come on, get
Speaker 1: over it now. It's been a time. Right. Maybe you
Speaker 1: even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well,
Speaker 1: this is the reality of how difficult it is, and
Speaker 1: due to the fact that humans are now living much longer,
Speaker 1: that attachment and affection actually stops earlier, which is why
Speaker 1: we experience more breakups. Now, this is really really important
Speaker 1: because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted
Speaker 1: to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances,
Speaker 1: their surroundings, their environment. And I think this is something
Speaker 1: we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change
Speaker 1: of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery
Speaker 1: is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. So actually going
Speaker 1: away for a vacation, taking a three day break, taking
Speaker 1: seven days, and going in living with your friend who
Speaker 1: just moved to the other side of the city or
Speaker 1: moved to the other side of the country can be
Speaker 1: massively beneficial. Right. If you've gone through a breakup and
Speaker 1: you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so
Speaker 1: important to change your surroundings, to change your environment, and
Speaker 1: so many of us underestimate the power of what that
Speaker 1: can actually do. Now, listen to this, because I'm sure
Speaker 1: all of you've seen this before, that places can trigger
Speaker 1: bad memories because the brain associates the place with a
Speaker 1: traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense,
Speaker 1: it might actually trigger a positive memory. Right maybe you
Speaker 1: always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner.
Speaker 1: Maybe you used to always go to this one theater.
Speaker 1: Maybe you had your first date on this one street,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road,
Speaker 1: whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store,
Speaker 1: you're thinking of this person. And that now creates that
Speaker 1: positive memory, creates negative emotions, the negative emotion of I'll
Speaker 1: never have that again, or how amazing it used to
Speaker 1: be or how wonderful it was. And research shows that
Speaker 1: the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds,
Speaker 1: and smells, and when these sensory triggers are experienced again,
Speaker 1: the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it.
Speaker 1: So if there was your favorite pastor or pizza that
Speaker 1: you used to have together and now you smell it
Speaker 1: again and all of a sudden, it reminds you of
Speaker 1: that same emotion and experience, right, And we all go
Speaker 1: through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things.
Speaker 1: Changing our environment changes our experience. Like let me give
Speaker 1: an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest
Speaker 1: with you. I remember once going on a flight and
Speaker 1: it was a long flight, like maybe it was like
Speaker 1: ten hours. I think I was going from LA to
Speaker 1: London or something like that, and I ended up having
Speaker 1: a tight green curry on the plane, and I think
Speaker 1: you already know where this is going. I had the
Speaker 1: worst food poisoning pretty much immediately after we had the meal,
Speaker 1: like when we just got on the flight, and for
Speaker 1: the next seven to eight hours. It was not cute.
Speaker 1: That's all I'm going to say. It was not cute.
Speaker 1: And I must have visited the restroom like twenty times,
Speaker 1: and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I
Speaker 1: apologize if you were on that flight. Now what happened was,
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding you, And I was just constantly I
Speaker 1: remember shivering and I was like, I need them to
Speaker 1: bring me blankets and they had to, you know, they
Speaker 1: kind of believed me. By the end of the flight
Speaker 1: one hour before I remember rather holding the sit bag
Speaker 1: for me to throw up next to me. And the
Speaker 1: reason I'm telling you all of this is literally, for
Speaker 1: the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I
Speaker 1: felt sick, and till this day, this was probably like
Speaker 1: five years ago, till this day, I can't eat Ti
Speaker 1: green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right,
Speaker 1: That's literally how it works. I genuinely never want to
Speaker 1: be around a Ti Green curry if you invite me
Speaker 1: over for dinner, No Ti green curry, right, And I
Speaker 1: like Tai food, So it's got nothing to do with that.
Speaker 1: But my memory now of that experience that sent the
Speaker 1: look everything is from that flight. That's what our brain's
Speaker 1: doing in a really deep way. When it comes to
Speaker 1: a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person.
Speaker 1: We have the pleasurable memories, and we then have pain
Speaker 1: because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything.
Speaker 1: There's a reason why we say block the account on
Speaker 1: social media, unfollow, right, don't go hang out with the
Speaker 1: same group of friends, don't go drive past their house,
Speaker 1: don't go I've passed the where they work. Don't go
Speaker 1: and hang out at the places you usually go onto
Speaker 1: because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which
Speaker 1: then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you
Speaker 1: of that which you don't have anymore. It's as simple
Speaker 1: as that. Break that pattern, break your habits, right, It's
Speaker 1: so important to break that pattern, break that pattern of
Speaker 1: where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to,
Speaker 1: break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything.
Speaker 1: It's going to break that mental pattern that you've got
Speaker 1: lost into. Okay, I am so excited about this because
Speaker 1: we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose.
Speaker 1: It's finally here and for World Mental Health. Today we're
Speaker 1: doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds
Speaker 1: going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So
Speaker 1: now you can wear You're on Purpose merch, listen to
Speaker 1: the podcast and know that you two are having an impact.
Speaker 1: I want to thank you so much in advance. I
Speaker 1: can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch.
Speaker 1: Their's sweatshirts, a hat, t shirts. Check it out on
Speaker 1: our website. Jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And
Speaker 1: remember one hundred percent of the proceeds go to Nami. Now,
Speaker 1: the other thing that we have to do after changing
Speaker 1: our environment, which by the way, I'm just really laying
Speaker 1: into because I don't think we do it enough. I
Speaker 1: think we say it, we hear it, and then we
Speaker 1: keep doing the same thing, going to the same places.
Speaker 1: But after that, we have to identify what we're missing,
Speaker 1: and we have to identify whether it's a habit or
Speaker 1: an emotion. Right now, think about that. Sometimes what we're
Speaker 1: missing is the fact that every night at eight pm,
Speaker 1: that's the person we used to call first thing in
Speaker 1: the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's
Speaker 1: a habit. We built up a habit, and now our
Speaker 1: mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every
Speaker 1: single time. So when it hits eight pm, we're waiting
Speaker 1: for that call, we're now feeling all the emotions of
Speaker 1: not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not
Speaker 1: hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them say.
Speaker 1: And in the morning when we wake up, we don't
Speaker 1: have that morning message. That's a habit. That we're missing.
Speaker 1: And what we have to do is we have to
Speaker 1: replace that habit. Otherwise our mind will simply spiral. Our
Speaker 1: mind will go round and round and round and round
Speaker 1: again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled. Right.
Speaker 1: It's as if if you expected the episode of the
Speaker 1: podcast to drop and you were just sitting there pressing refresh.
Speaker 1: You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to
Speaker 1: come on. For some reason, there was a glitch and
Speaker 1: you just kept pressing refresh. Right, That's what our mind does.
Speaker 1: It keeps pressing refresh and then nothing changes. Is because
Speaker 1: that person's not magically going to call. And now that
Speaker 1: habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace
Speaker 1: that habit. Who are you going to text instead in
Speaker 1: the morning? Right? Who else are you going to ask
Speaker 1: and say? Can you please text me in the morning
Speaker 1: so I have a text to look forward to. Who
Speaker 1: are you going to call instead at eight pm? We
Speaker 1: have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit,
Speaker 1: because otherwise that habit will turn into a spiral. Now,
Speaker 1: it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it
Speaker 1: is that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made
Speaker 1: you feel adventurous, maybe that person made you feel confident.
Speaker 1: It's an emotional exchange that way. Maybe we've lost We
Speaker 1: have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves,
Speaker 1: from someone else in our life and from an activity. Right.
Speaker 1: Going to create adventurous places, going to try out the
Speaker 1: reason why people say things like try a new class,
Speaker 1: go to pottery class, try a new trainer, go to
Speaker 1: a new jim work on yourself. It's really not the
Speaker 1: work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to
Speaker 1: experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence
Speaker 1: rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. Right,
Speaker 1: You're building your own confidence and your own belief in
Speaker 1: who you are, then letting someone else validate it. Let
Speaker 1: me do it. You're building your own confidence and belief in
Speaker 1: yourself then letting someone else validate it. So identify. Are
Speaker 1: you missing in habit and replace it? Are you missing
Speaker 1: an emotion? Substitute it? These are great techniques and tools
Speaker 1: for you for the long term, even after a breakup.
Speaker 1: I often ask people to write down a list of
Speaker 1: what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, and ask yourself, who in your
Speaker 1: life gives you that and if you keep drawing it
Speaker 1: to the same person or to no one, go and
Speaker 1: build a new relationship that gives you that right. There
Speaker 1: are certain friends that I know, oh are amazing for adventure.
Speaker 1: There are other friends that I know that are grateful vulnerability.
Speaker 1: There are other friends that I know that are great
Speaker 1: to listen to me and hear me out. There are
Speaker 1: different friends for different things, and I think so many
Speaker 1: of us either rely on the same people for everything
Speaker 1: or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're
Speaker 1: with the right person when they don't rely on you
Speaker 1: for everything and you don't rely on them for everything.
Speaker 1: They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections,
Speaker 1: family members that you open your heart to, and you
Speaker 1: respect the fact that they have people in their life
Speaker 1: that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the
Speaker 1: fact that they open their heart to someone else about you,
Speaker 1: and they don't feel upset about the fact that you
Speaker 1: may share your heart with someone else, because what you
Speaker 1: truly want is for you and the other person to
Speaker 1: feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both
Speaker 1: want what's best for each other. I think one of
Speaker 1: the biggest things that we miss out on is that
Speaker 1: when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you
Speaker 1: keep going around and around in circles, what you're doing
Speaker 1: is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have,
Speaker 1: and what you end up doing is taking up a
Speaker 1: lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is
Speaker 1: taken away now from new things and new opportunities. When
Speaker 1: we use our mental space to think about could have,
Speaker 1: would have? Should have? What if? If? This? If that,
Speaker 1: what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person.
Speaker 1: We're stealing space from a new opportunity, We're stealing energy
Speaker 1: from a new life. Why would you ever steal from yourself?
Speaker 1: When we're more obsessed with the past rather than focused
Speaker 1: on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves.
Speaker 1: We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, We're stealing growth. Don't
Speaker 1: be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from
Speaker 1: your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're
Speaker 1: doing when we're obsessed with an X. We're stealing from
Speaker 1: our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from
Speaker 1: our own energy while they're sharing theirs. We're stealing from
Speaker 1: our future while they're living there present. Don't let a
Speaker 1: breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions
Speaker 1: you can take to build right, you will be less
Speaker 1: focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with a
Speaker 1: breakup that we forget to build, We forget to create,
Speaker 1: we forget to organize, we forget to develop. That's the
Speaker 1: opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building.
Speaker 1: What are you building? Are you building your career? Are
Speaker 1: you building yourself? Are you putting the energy into building something?
Speaker 1: Trying to manage the breakup? But what ends up happening
Speaker 1: if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just
Speaker 1: fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that
Speaker 1: has to, to some degree naturally, over time, be replaced
Speaker 1: by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If
Speaker 1: you just stay focused on the breakup for a long
Speaker 1: period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now,
Speaker 1: if you're still not over your ex I want you
Speaker 1: to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and
Speaker 1: you have to remember that everyone who is today in
Speaker 1: a happy relationship once felt that they wouldn't get over
Speaker 1: their ex It's such a natural feeling. It's such a
Speaker 1: natural emotion, it's so real and true. And everyone that
Speaker 1: you see today that has the life that you may
Speaker 1: want one day, at one point in their life felt
Speaker 1: that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes
Speaker 1: the reason why it's so hard is we feel we
Speaker 1: missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We
Speaker 1: missed out on someone who we feel had everything we
Speaker 1: ever wanted. But here's the thing, they didn't have the
Speaker 1: one most important thing that you want, and that is
Speaker 1: they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone
Speaker 1: all you want. Someone can have everything you want, someone
Speaker 1: can be everything you want. But if they don't want
Speaker 1: what you want with them, they're not for you. They're
Speaker 1: not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: how much they have everything that you want. And I
Speaker 1: promise you that that's the key part of a relationship.
Speaker 1: When someone truly wants to be with you, when someone
Speaker 1: truly wants to care for you, it doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't
Speaker 1: deeply want you, it will never have worked, it would
Speaker 1: never have flourished, It will never have thrived. I want
Speaker 1: to thank you so much for listening to today. I
Speaker 1: hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling.
Speaker 1: I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful,
Speaker 1: and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope
Speaker 1: you'll leave a review, because so many of you have
Speaker 1: left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said,
Speaker 1: this is an amazing podcast with great information to help
Speaker 1: with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for sharing that. This one said this podcast emphasizes
Speaker 1: just being there and alongside them is the most important
Speaker 1: thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful too as well.
Speaker 1: I have been watching this show for years and it
Speaker 1: has helped me so much throughout those years and continues
Speaker 1: to do so. I look forward to watching and listening
Speaker 1: every single week. Thank you so much with these incredible,
Speaker 1: incredible reviews. Please go ahead and leave reviews if you
Speaker 1: have a chance to as well. It makes a huge
Speaker 1: difference to podcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful to you, and remember forever in your corner and
Speaker 1: always rooting for you. Thank you. If you love this episode,
Speaker 1: you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding
Speaker 1: your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start
Speaker 1: moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only
Speaker 1: where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go o where
Speaker 1: it's hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's
Speaker 1: soft and green and vulnerable.