WEBVTT - 3 Things To Do If You're Still Not Over Your Ex 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:03.280 Are you looking for more purpose? Do you care about 0:00:03.360 --> 0:00:06.360 living a life of well being? Are you interested in 0:00:06.480 --> 0:00:10.760 universal wisdom and spirituality? If you answered yes to any 0:00:10.760 --> 0:00:14.360 of these questions, I think you'd love my personal newsletter, 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:18.599 Weekly Wisdom. I've been sending it out every Thursday for 0:00:18.680 --> 0:00:21.959 the last four years. I cover a wide variety of 0:00:22.000 --> 0:00:26.920 topics that contribute to our daily wellbeing and happiness. Relationships, 0:00:27.200 --> 0:00:33.680 self love, spirituality, confidence, work and career, heartbreak, emotional intelligence, 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:37.279 and so much more. The goal here is simple. I 0:00:37.320 --> 0:00:39.600 want you to be able to read this newsletter every 0:00:39.600 --> 0:00:43.120 week and feel a little better about whatever you're going 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:46.000 through in your life and a little more healed from 0:00:46.080 --> 0:00:48.839 the things that have hurt you in the past. If 0:00:48.880 --> 0:00:51.880 I write just one sentence that helps you in any way, 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:54.960 then I will have done my job well. If you'd 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:58.760 like to start receiving my newsletter in your inbox every Thursday, 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:04.080 just go to Jayshetty newsletter dot com. That's Jayshetty newsletter 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:08.280 dot com. The newsletter is one hundred percent free, and 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:11.840 you can unsubscribe at any time. I hope you'll join 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:15.960 me on this journey, sending you so much love. You 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:19.800 know you're with the right person when they don't rely 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:23.160 on you for everything and you don't rely on them 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:27.280 for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends, 0:01:27.480 --> 0:01:31.319 other connections, family members that you open your heart to, 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:35.080 and you respect the fact that they have people in 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.600 their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:41.560 about the fact that they open their heart to someone 0:01:41.600 --> 0:01:44.840 else about you, and they don't feel upset about the 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:47.960 fact that you may share your heart with someone else, 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:51.480 because what you truly want is for you and the 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:57.120 other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:00.280 that you both want what's best for each other. The 0:02:00.440 --> 0:02:09.560 Number one Health and Wellness Podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay SHETTYLYJ Shetty, Hey, everyone, 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:12.680 welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for 0:02:12.720 --> 0:02:16.639 tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty. 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:20.200 I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that 0:02:20.320 --> 0:02:24.320 you chose to spend the next just under thirty minutes 0:02:24.360 --> 0:02:28.120 with me for one of our workshops, and today's session 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:32.480 is all about want to do if you're still not 0:02:33.000 --> 0:02:37.560 over your ex. It might have been ten hours, it 0:02:37.680 --> 0:02:42.200 might be ten days, maybe it's ten months, or maybe 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:47.120 it's even ten years, and you're still not over your ex. 0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:51.079 You keep checking them out on Instagram. You're always asking 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:55.000 your friends about what they're up to. Maybe you even 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:58.520 go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is. 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:04.560 Your still obsessed, you're still connected, and you're not able 0:03:04.639 --> 0:03:07.200 to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on, 0:03:07.960 --> 0:03:10.600 there's two types of moving on. One type of moving 0:03:10.639 --> 0:03:12.320 on is the type of moving on what we say 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.079 we've moved on when people ask us, we say, yeah, 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:17.600 of course I've moved on. It's been ten years, there's 0:03:17.639 --> 0:03:20.679 been ten months, Come on, I'm over it. And then 0:03:20.760 --> 0:03:25.080 there's the moving on where the person becomes such a 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:29.680 distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime, 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:33.080 like they were with a completely different version of us, 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:36.640 and that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore. 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:39.440 And a lot of us want to get to that 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:44.320 second place. That sounds enticing, It sounds exhilarating to think 0:03:44.360 --> 0:03:46.360 that maybe I could get to a point one day 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:51.560 where the person feels like a distant memory. But I'm 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:55.880 here to tell you this, it's absolutely normal to feel 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:59.480 like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak, 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:03.120 it doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong. 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:05.440 It doesn't mean that you don't have a future, it 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:09.000 doesn't mean that you never get over them. But it's extremely, 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:14.560 extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who after 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:19.839 experiencing a breakup can actually get sick, they can feel depressed, 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:25.440 and research shows that that level of pain can actually 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:29.120 be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:35.040 on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent, 0:04:35.720 --> 0:04:39.320 the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship 0:04:39.720 --> 0:04:44.040 are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now, 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:47.680 this study blew my mind when I first read about it, 0:04:48.120 --> 0:04:52.240 So listen to this carefully. Some of the things that 0:04:52.360 --> 0:04:58.040 you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar 0:04:58.279 --> 0:05:02.839 to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:08.440 second to recognize that detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:13.320 an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're destoxing 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:17.160 from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing, 0:05:17.240 --> 0:05:20.000 and when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel like 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:24.240 you're actually craving them, right, they can be this craving, 0:05:24.400 --> 0:05:29.360 this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting, and that's 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:33.360 actually quite normal. Now, This statement is also supported by 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:38.520 Professor Paxinos, who says the suspicion is that some of 0:05:38.560 --> 0:05:42.719 the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:47.560 such as eating, are engaged, and presumably something like the 0:05:47.640 --> 0:05:51.720 withdrawal from drugs is happening when the person loses the 0:05:51.760 --> 0:05:57.160 loved one. That's what he says. Now. Vincent categorizes relationship 0:05:57.240 --> 0:06:02.560 emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:08.000 of feelings and attachment and affection and attachment and affection. 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:14.520 He says, we're actually created from an evolutionary perspective to 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:18.320 keep couples together so that they would actually stay together 0:06:18.600 --> 0:06:22.800 until the children were old enough to live by themselves. 0:06:23.480 --> 0:06:26.760 Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:30.680 chemicals were designed so that we would stay together, so 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:34.800 that the kids we have would be adults who could 0:06:34.839 --> 0:06:38.400 take care of themselves. Now that blows my mind because 0:06:38.400 --> 0:06:40.640 it just shows us that when you go through a breakup, 0:06:40.920 --> 0:06:44.839 you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So 0:06:44.920 --> 0:06:48.320 now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself, you have 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:51.200 empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:53.360 maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup, 0:06:53.400 --> 0:06:55.480 and you keep looking at them, going, come on, get 0:06:55.520 --> 0:06:58.159 over it now. It's been a time. Right. Maybe you 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:01.440 even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey, 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:03.520 I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well, 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:08.159 this is the reality of how difficult it is, and 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:11.720 due to the fact that humans are now living much longer, 0:07:12.240 --> 0:07:18.240 that attachment and affection actually stops earlier, which is why 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:23.400 we experience more breakups. Now, this is really really important 0:07:23.440 --> 0:07:27.840 because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted 0:07:27.880 --> 0:07:32.800 to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances, 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:39.320 their surroundings, their environment. And I think this is something 0:07:39.360 --> 0:07:43.640 we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:47.760 of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:54.560 is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. So actually going 0:07:54.560 --> 0:07:58.480 away for a vacation, taking a three day break, taking 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:00.840 seven days, and going in living with your friend who 0:08:00.920 --> 0:08:03.560 just moved to the other side of the city or 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:05.960 moved to the other side of the country can be 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:10.520 massively beneficial. Right. If you've gone through a breakup and 0:08:10.600 --> 0:08:12.440 you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so 0:08:12.480 --> 0:08:16.080 important to change your surroundings, to change your environment, and 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:19.680 so many of us underestimate the power of what that 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:24.280 can actually do. Now, listen to this, because I'm sure 0:08:24.280 --> 0:08:27.840 all of you've seen this before, that places can trigger 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:32.920 bad memories because the brain associates the place with a 0:08:32.960 --> 0:08:37.640 traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense, 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:41.400 it might actually trigger a positive memory. Right maybe you 0:08:41.760 --> 0:08:44.600 always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner. 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:47.120 Maybe you used to always go to this one theater. 0:08:47.720 --> 0:08:51.760 Maybe you had your first date on this one street, 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:54.679 whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road, 0:08:55.320 --> 0:08:58.800 whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store, 0:08:59.520 --> 0:09:03.920 you're thinking of this person. And that now creates that 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:09.320 positive memory, creates negative emotions, the negative emotion of I'll 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.199 never have that again, or how amazing it used to 0:09:12.280 --> 0:09:16.240 be or how wonderful it was. And research shows that 0:09:16.280 --> 0:09:23.439 the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds, 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:28.480 and smells, and when these sensory triggers are experienced again, 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:33.720 the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it. 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:38.160 So if there was your favorite pastor or pizza that 0:09:38.200 --> 0:09:40.760 you used to have together and now you smell it 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:43.240 again and all of a sudden, it reminds you of 0:09:43.240 --> 0:09:47.560 that same emotion and experience, right, And we all go 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:50.760 through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things. 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:55.120 Changing our environment changes our experience. Like let me give 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:57.440 an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest 0:09:57.480 --> 0:10:00.440 with you. I remember once going on a flight and 0:10:00.800 --> 0:10:02.720 it was a long flight, like maybe it was like 0:10:02.800 --> 0:10:05.200 ten hours. I think I was going from LA to 0:10:05.240 --> 0:10:08.400 London or something like that, and I ended up having 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:10.760 a tight green curry on the plane, and I think 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:14.080 you already know where this is going. I had the 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:18.960 worst food poisoning pretty much immediately after we had the meal, 0:10:19.040 --> 0:10:21.120 like when we just got on the flight, and for 0:10:21.160 --> 0:10:24.920 the next seven to eight hours. It was not cute. 0:10:25.200 --> 0:10:27.000 That's all I'm going to say. It was not cute. 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:31.480 And I must have visited the restroom like twenty times, 0:10:31.520 --> 0:10:33.520 and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I 0:10:33.559 --> 0:10:37.960 apologize if you were on that flight. Now what happened was, 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:42.040 I'm not kidding you, And I was just constantly I 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:45.120 remember shivering and I was like, I need them to 0:10:45.120 --> 0:10:48.360 bring me blankets and they had to, you know, they 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:50.400 kind of believed me. By the end of the flight 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:53.520 one hour before I remember rather holding the sit bag 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:56.600 for me to throw up next to me. And the 0:10:56.679 --> 0:10:58.720 reason I'm telling you all of this is literally, for 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.560 the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:05.680 felt sick, and till this day, this was probably like 0:11:05.800 --> 0:11:09.240 five years ago, till this day, I can't eat Ti 0:11:09.360 --> 0:11:13.439 green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right, 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:17.160 That's literally how it works. I genuinely never want to 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:18.960 be around a Ti Green curry if you invite me 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:22.440 over for dinner, No Ti green curry, right, And I 0:11:22.480 --> 0:11:24.120 like Tai food, So it's got nothing to do with that. 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:28.599 But my memory now of that experience that sent the 0:11:28.720 --> 0:11:32.280 look everything is from that flight. That's what our brain's 0:11:32.320 --> 0:11:35.120 doing in a really deep way. When it comes to 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:37.600 a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person. 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:41.800 We have the pleasurable memories, and we then have pain 0:11:41.960 --> 0:11:48.520 because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything. 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:52.240 There's a reason why we say block the account on 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:56.160 social media, unfollow, right, don't go hang out with the 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:59.280 same group of friends, don't go drive past their house, 0:11:59.360 --> 0:12:02.160 don't go I've passed the where they work. Don't go 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.360 and hang out at the places you usually go onto 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:09.120 because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.559 then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:15.240 of that which you don't have anymore. It's as simple 0:12:15.280 --> 0:12:19.959 as that. Break that pattern, break your habits, right, It's 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:23.280 so important to break that pattern, break that pattern of 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:25.600 where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to, 0:12:25.920 --> 0:12:30.960 break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything. 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:33.880 It's going to break that mental pattern that you've got 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:40.640 lost into. Okay, I am so excited about this because 0:12:40.880 --> 0:12:45.160 we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose. 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:49.280 It's finally here and for World Mental Health. Today we're 0:12:49.280 --> 0:12:53.880 doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:58.280 going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:00.840 now you can wear You're on Purpose merch, listen to 0:13:00.880 --> 0:13:04.040 the podcast and know that you two are having an impact. 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:06.160 I want to thank you so much in advance. I 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:08.920 can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch. 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:12.680 Their's sweatshirts, a hat, t shirts. Check it out on 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:19.000 our website. Jshetdyshop dot com. That's jshettshop dot com. And 0:13:19.160 --> 0:13:25.480 remember one hundred percent of the proceeds go to Nami. Now, 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:28.080 the other thing that we have to do after changing 0:13:28.080 --> 0:13:31.280 our environment, which by the way, I'm just really laying 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:32.920 into because I don't think we do it enough. I 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:35.360 think we say it, we hear it, and then we 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:37.559 keep doing the same thing, going to the same places. 0:13:38.120 --> 0:13:43.360 But after that, we have to identify what we're missing, 0:13:43.800 --> 0:13:47.560 and we have to identify whether it's a habit or 0:13:47.600 --> 0:13:51.679 an emotion. Right now, think about that. Sometimes what we're 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:54.760 missing is the fact that every night at eight pm, 0:13:54.920 --> 0:13:57.079 that's the person we used to call first thing in 0:13:57.120 --> 0:13:59.560 the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:03.400 a habit. We built up a habit, and now our 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:07.120 mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:11.160 single time. So when it hits eight pm, we're waiting 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:14.160 for that call, we're now feeling all the emotions of 0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:18.680 not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:21.720 hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them say. 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:23.360 And in the morning when we wake up, we don't 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:26.760 have that morning message. That's a habit. That we're missing. 0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:28.800 And what we have to do is we have to 0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:34.480 replace that habit. Otherwise our mind will simply spiral. Our 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:37.720 mind will go round and round and round and round 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:43.120 again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled. Right. 0:14:43.160 --> 0:14:46.280 It's as if if you expected the episode of the 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:49.120 podcast to drop and you were just sitting there pressing refresh. 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:51.360 You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:53.160 come on. For some reason, there was a glitch and 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:56.960 you just kept pressing refresh. Right, That's what our mind does. 0:14:57.000 --> 0:15:01.160 It keeps pressing refresh and then nothing changes. Is because 0:15:01.160 --> 0:15:04.000 that person's not magically going to call. And now that 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:07.320 habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace 0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:09.280 that habit. Who are you going to text instead in 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:12.080 the morning? Right? Who else are you going to ask 0:15:12.120 --> 0:15:13.880 and say? Can you please text me in the morning 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:16.120 so I have a text to look forward to. Who 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:18.160 are you going to call instead at eight pm? We 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:22.840 have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit, 0:15:23.320 --> 0:15:26.480 because otherwise that habit will turn into a spiral. Now, 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:29.880 it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it 0:15:29.960 --> 0:15:32.640 is that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:36.240 you feel adventurous, maybe that person made you feel confident. 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:40.720 It's an emotional exchange that way. Maybe we've lost We 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:45.120 have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves, 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:49.600 from someone else in our life and from an activity. Right. 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:54.880 Going to create adventurous places, going to try out the 0:15:55.040 --> 0:15:57.320 reason why people say things like try a new class, 0:15:57.360 --> 0:15:59.720 go to pottery class, try a new trainer, go to 0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:02.520 a new jim work on yourself. It's really not the 0:16:02.560 --> 0:16:05.600 work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:09.880 experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:14.520 rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. Right, 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:18.520 You're building your own confidence and your own belief in 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:21.480 who you are, then letting someone else validate it. Let 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.720 me do it. You're building your own confidence and belief in 0:16:24.760 --> 0:16:29.320 yourself then letting someone else validate it. So identify. Are 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:32.680 you missing in habit and replace it? Are you missing 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:37.280 an emotion? Substitute it? These are great techniques and tools 0:16:37.280 --> 0:16:40.000 for you for the long term, even after a breakup. 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:42.560 I often ask people to write down a list of 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:47.760 what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise, 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:50.720 whatever it may be, and ask yourself, who in your 0:16:50.760 --> 0:16:53.160 life gives you that and if you keep drawing it 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:55.560 to the same person or to no one, go and 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:58.720 build a new relationship that gives you that right. There 0:16:58.720 --> 0:17:02.000 are certain friends that I know, oh are amazing for adventure. 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:05.000 There are other friends that I know that are grateful vulnerability. 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:08.000 There are other friends that I know that are great 0:17:08.040 --> 0:17:10.239 to listen to me and hear me out. There are 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:13.040 different friends for different things, and I think so many 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:15.520 of us either rely on the same people for everything 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:19.360 or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:23.199 with the right person when they don't rely on you 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:26.880 for everything and you don't rely on them for everything. 0:17:27.480 --> 0:17:31.520 They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections, 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:35.400 family members that you open your heart to, and you 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:38.639 respect the fact that they have people in their life 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:42.040 that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:45.280 fact that they open their heart to someone else about you, 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:49.080 and they don't feel upset about the fact that you 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:51.919 may share your heart with someone else, because what you 0:17:52.040 --> 0:17:56.080 truly want is for you and the other person to 0:17:56.160 --> 0:18:01.440 feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both 0:18:01.520 --> 0:18:03.800 want what's best for each other. I think one of 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:06.600 the biggest things that we miss out on is that 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:09.440 when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you 0:18:09.520 --> 0:18:12.120 keep going around and around in circles, what you're doing 0:18:12.160 --> 0:18:15.199 is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have, 0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:17.560 and what you end up doing is taking up a 0:18:17.560 --> 0:18:21.560 lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is 0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:26.720 taken away now from new things and new opportunities. When 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:30.040 we use our mental space to think about could have, 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:33.240 would have? Should have? What if? If? This? If that, 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:37.760 what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person. 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:43.800 We're stealing space from a new opportunity, We're stealing energy 0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:49.080 from a new life. Why would you ever steal from yourself? 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:54.520 When we're more obsessed with the past rather than focused 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:58.600 on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves. 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:04.160 We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, We're stealing growth. Don't 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:06.680 be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:09.240 your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:12.440 doing when we're obsessed with an X. We're stealing from 0:19:12.480 --> 0:19:16.560 our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:21.800 our own energy while they're sharing theirs. We're stealing from 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:25.960 our future while they're living there present. Don't let a 0:19:26.000 --> 0:19:32.000 breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:34.600 you can take to build right, you will be less 0:19:34.640 --> 0:19:38.080 focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building. 0:19:38.440 --> 0:19:40.840 Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with a 0:19:40.920 --> 0:19:44.640 breakup that we forget to build, We forget to create, 0:19:45.320 --> 0:19:49.040 we forget to organize, we forget to develop. That's the 0:19:49.080 --> 0:19:52.280 opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building. 0:19:52.520 --> 0:19:55.240 What are you building? Are you building your career? Are 0:19:55.240 --> 0:19:59.280 you building yourself? Are you putting the energy into building something? 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:02.600 Trying to manage the breakup? But what ends up happening 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:04.199 if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just 0:20:04.200 --> 0:20:07.560 fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:14.600 has to, to some degree naturally, over time, be replaced 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:17.960 by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:20.000 you just stay focused on the breakup for a long 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:24.520 period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now, 0:20:25.040 --> 0:20:27.720 if you're still not over your ex I want you 0:20:27.800 --> 0:20:33.680 to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and 0:20:34.560 --> 0:20:38.800 you have to remember that everyone who is today in 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:42.800 a happy relationship once felt that they wouldn't get over 0:20:42.840 --> 0:20:45.359 their ex It's such a natural feeling. It's such a 0:20:45.440 --> 0:20:49.840 natural emotion, it's so real and true. And everyone that 0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:53.520 you see today that has the life that you may 0:20:53.560 --> 0:20:56.120 want one day, at one point in their life felt 0:20:56.119 --> 0:20:58.920 that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes 0:20:58.960 --> 0:21:01.600 the reason why it's so hard is we feel we 0:21:01.720 --> 0:21:04.439 missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We 0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:08.280 missed out on someone who we feel had everything we 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:11.959 ever wanted. But here's the thing, they didn't have the 0:21:12.000 --> 0:21:16.600 one most important thing that you want, and that is 0:21:17.320 --> 0:21:22.320 they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone 0:21:22.560 --> 0:21:28.720 all you want. Someone can have everything you want, someone 0:21:28.840 --> 0:21:33.359 can be everything you want. But if they don't want 0:21:33.600 --> 0:21:37.359 what you want with them, they're not for you. They're 0:21:37.359 --> 0:21:41.520 not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter 0:21:41.560 --> 0:21:44.520 how much they have everything that you want. And I 0:21:44.600 --> 0:21:48.240 promise you that that's the key part of a relationship. 0:21:48.480 --> 0:21:51.440 When someone truly wants to be with you, when someone 0:21:51.480 --> 0:21:54.600 truly wants to care for you, it doesn't matter how 0:21:54.600 --> 0:21:58.680 many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't 0:21:58.720 --> 0:22:02.160 deeply want you, it will never have worked, it would 0:22:02.160 --> 0:22:05.360 never have flourished, It will never have thrived. I want 0:22:05.400 --> 0:22:07.760 to thank you so much for listening to today. I 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:10.320 hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling. 0:22:10.840 --> 0:22:13.680 I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful, 0:22:13.720 --> 0:22:16.400 and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope 0:22:16.400 --> 0:22:19.359 you'll leave a review, because so many of you have 0:22:19.440 --> 0:22:23.800 left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said, 0:22:23.800 --> 0:22:27.080 this is an amazing podcast with great information to help 0:22:27.119 --> 0:22:30.280 with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so 0:22:30.440 --> 0:22:34.480 much for sharing that. This one said this podcast emphasizes 0:22:34.600 --> 0:22:38.000 just being there and alongside them is the most important 0:22:38.040 --> 0:22:42.600 thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight. 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:46.600 Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful too as well. 0:22:47.160 --> 0:22:49.320 I have been watching this show for years and it 0:22:49.320 --> 0:22:53.080 has helped me so much throughout those years and continues 0:22:53.119 --> 0:22:56.040 to do so. I look forward to watching and listening 0:22:56.240 --> 0:23:01.320 every single week. Thank you so much with these incredible, 0:23:01.400 --> 0:23:05.439 incredible reviews. Please go ahead and leave reviews if you 0:23:05.560 --> 0:23:07.240 have a chance to as well. It makes a huge 0:23:07.280 --> 0:23:10.040 difference to podcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm so 0:23:10.119 --> 0:23:14.000 grateful to you, and remember forever in your corner and 0:23:14.160 --> 0:23:17.800 always rooting for you. Thank you. If you love this episode, 0:23:18.080 --> 0:23:22.320 you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding 0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:26.240 your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start 0:23:26.320 --> 0:23:29.240 moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only 0:23:29.240 --> 0:23:31.920 where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go o where 0:23:31.960 --> 0:23:33.840 it's hard and thick, does it. It goes where it's 0:23:33.880 --> 0:23:35.560 soft and green and vulnerable.