1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,720 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,560 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:29,880 Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:36,160 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're talking about an 10 00:00:41,479 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 2: all too common mental dilemma or barrier that we tend 11 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 2: to face a lot in our twenties, and that is 12 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 2: chronic indecisiveness, struggling or being unable to make a decision 13 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 2: to save our lives, getting stuck in this rut of 14 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 2: analysis of information, seeking of hypotheticals and pros and cons lists, 15 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 2: and then eventually making a decision, taking action, and finding 16 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 2: that we are constantly ruminating and thinking about the alternative 17 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 2: and what might have been. It is exhausting, it is 18 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 2: time consuming, it's unproductive, and most of all, it's really 19 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:29,360 Speaker 2: mentally frustrating to have to overthink every minute, little decision 20 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:33,959 Speaker 2: or detail of our lives. There are a lot of 21 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,160 Speaker 2: decisions that we feel compelled to make in our twenties, 22 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:39,440 Speaker 2: like what we want to do with our lives, what 23 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 2: we want to do for work, what kind of person 24 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,760 Speaker 2: we want to be, what kind of person we want 25 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,920 Speaker 2: to date, Where we want to go to school, where 26 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 2: to live, where to travel to whether to travel or 27 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,279 Speaker 2: to save money, to take that risk or play it safe. 28 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,560 Speaker 2: Those are some really hefty choices, ones that I think 29 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,680 Speaker 2: every one of us struggles not to overthink because it 30 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 2: feels like each decision we make we always have to 31 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 2: give up something else. There is this loss of what 32 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 2: could have been that we're very afraid of, and so 33 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:12,680 Speaker 2: instead of this possibility of having to recognize what we 34 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:16,000 Speaker 2: had to give up by choosing a certain path, we 35 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 2: stay stagnant. We get so caught up in the benefits 36 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 2: that we might be missing out on that we never 37 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 2: actually move forward. I think this decade is a wonderful 38 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,960 Speaker 2: decade of opportunity, no doubt about that. Our adult lives 39 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,920 Speaker 2: are really just beginning. There are so many doors that 40 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 2: remain open to us. But it's also a decade where 41 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,360 Speaker 2: we feel like the stakes are really high because of 42 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 2: how formative these years seem to be. We don't want 43 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 2: to kind of be to rash in closing ourselves off 44 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 2: or restricting ourselves to any opportunities, and in that way, 45 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 2: we tend to borrow a lot of stress from the future, 46 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 2: and we can tastrophize and imagine a life where we 47 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 2: are unhappy until it feels like it's destiny. We also 48 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,640 Speaker 2: tend to waste a lot of time contemplating, and that 49 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 2: time that we spend contemplating, we could be spending actually 50 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,640 Speaker 2: seeing a result and being decisive. So it makes a 51 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,359 Speaker 2: really kind of toxic cycle. Well, I think that it's 52 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 2: time that we talk about it today. I want to 53 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 2: get into all the nitty gritty. There's psychology, of course, 54 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,600 Speaker 2: of what makes us so indecisive at times, why we 55 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,920 Speaker 2: struggle to make not just big decisions but small decisions, 56 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 2: daily decisions, some of us more than others, and what 57 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 2: that contributes to in the long run, But also how 58 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,640 Speaker 2: to be active rather than passive in our lives. How 59 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 2: do we let go of out indecision and accept all 60 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 2: the possibilities for what could happen, all the different options, 61 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:52,280 Speaker 2: and still feel confident that we are kind of making 62 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,800 Speaker 2: the right one, still feel confident in ourselves and our intuition, 63 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 2: even if it feels scary, How do we kind of 64 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 2: break our of the procrastination and the contemplation cycle. And 65 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 2: as someone who deals with this on a daily even 66 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:10,440 Speaker 2: when it comes to this podcast and questioning, you know 67 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 2: what topics to do, what to write about, what studies 68 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 2: to quote, what decisions I need to be making. Trust me, 69 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 2: we are in the same boat. I have a lot 70 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:25,640 Speaker 2: to say about this, So let's get into it. Okay. 71 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 2: So firstly, what is the actual problem with being indecisive? 72 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 2: Why are we even talking about it? 73 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:31,479 Speaker 1: Well? 74 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 2: I think there are obviously a few problems with chronic indecisiveness. Firstly, 75 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 2: you never really gain a sense of agency or mastery 76 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,839 Speaker 2: over your life, your choices, and your experiences. You leave 77 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:47,359 Speaker 2: them up to chance because you never feel ready to 78 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 2: make a decision. Secondly, I think chronic indecisiveness allows us 79 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,719 Speaker 2: to be ruled by fear, and that fear means that 80 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 2: we aren't always actually going to make the best choices. 81 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,600 Speaker 2: We're just going to make the easiest one, the one 82 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:05,239 Speaker 2: that leaves us feeling safest. And I think indecisiveness also 83 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,599 Speaker 2: is huge time raiter, right, I think we become very 84 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 2: conscious of all the things that we could be doing 85 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 2: in the time that it takes for us to make 86 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: a decision. Now, I often encounter this misconception that people 87 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 2: who are indecisive are lazy, But I actually think that 88 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,719 Speaker 2: that is the furthest thing from the truth. When you 89 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 2: are someone who struggles deciding between things, making decisions, making choices, 90 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 2: actually what you're getting caught up in is the constant 91 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 2: mental equations that you're doing, where you're considering every possible outcome, 92 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 2: every possible scenario. I think a lot of the time, 93 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 2: our indecisiveness comes down to this very unconscious fear of 94 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 2: choosing wrong, a fear of making a mistake, of not 95 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 2: being perfect, of disappointing others or disappointing ourselves. Now, this 96 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,839 Speaker 2: is some that psychologists do have a way of measuring. 97 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 2: One of the most common question is is the Frost 98 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 2: Indecisiveness Scale, and this essentially asks participants to great a 99 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 2: series of statements between strongly disagree and strongly agree, and 100 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:18,680 Speaker 2: they include things such as like I try to put 101 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,960 Speaker 2: off making decisions, I have a hard time planning my 102 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,640 Speaker 2: free time. I often worry about making the wrong choice. 103 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 2: And it seems that deciding on the most trivial things. 104 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,880 Speaker 2: Takes me a lot of time. These questions really get 105 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,160 Speaker 2: to the bottom of not just how indecisive we are, 106 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 2: but why we are indecisive. Here's the scary thing. The 107 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:44,680 Speaker 2: higher that someone scores on this scale, the lower that 108 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 2: they tend to score on measures of life satisfaction. Now, 109 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 2: this is based on a study conducted in the Netherlands 110 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,320 Speaker 2: a few years back, whereby they wanted to see if 111 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:00,160 Speaker 2: there was any correlation between indecisiveness and our own for 112 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:05,600 Speaker 2: all well being, and there definitely were some people who 113 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,920 Speaker 2: were self reporting that they put off decisions that they 114 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,600 Speaker 2: were worried about making the wrong choice. They were also 115 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 2: the same kinds of people who were more likely to say, 116 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 2: if I could do my life over again, I would 117 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 2: do it. The conditions of my life are not great. 118 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 2: There are a lot of things that I want to 119 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,280 Speaker 2: change but I don't feel able to, which I think 120 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 2: just shows the link between not feeling a sense of 121 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:35,840 Speaker 2: control over your life that actually contributes to you being 122 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 2: indecisive because you don't feel like anything you do is 123 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 2: going to make much of a difference. It comes down 124 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 2: to something else as well. We are faced with hundreds, 125 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 2: if not thousands of decisions every day. We have to 126 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 2: think about what time to wake up in the morning, 127 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 2: what we want to have for breakfast. We have to 128 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 2: think about whether you know, how we're going to get 129 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 2: to work, what we're going to listen to on our commute, 130 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 2: whether we should call our friend or not, whether we 131 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 2: should reply to that text, when we should reply to 132 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 2: that text, what to have for lunch, what we're going 133 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 2: to wear. The list is honestly endless, and some estimates 134 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,320 Speaker 2: suggest that in a single day you and I are 135 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:23,160 Speaker 2: making around thirty five thousand decisions. That honestly sounds ludicrous, 136 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 2: that sounds so excessive, But when you break down just 137 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 2: how much we have to decide on in our daily life, 138 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,760 Speaker 2: that makes a lot of sense. That is a lot 139 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,360 Speaker 2: of information to process and a lot of decision making 140 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,679 Speaker 2: for one small brain. And what it can lead to 141 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:45,200 Speaker 2: is decision fatigue, whereby the more decisions we feel we 142 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,680 Speaker 2: need to make, and the more important those decisions feel, 143 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:54,679 Speaker 2: the lower our quality of decision making. Is That occurs 144 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 2: for quite obvious reasons. Right when we have a million 145 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 2: things to think about, Eventually we have to start to 146 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 2: cut some corners or we begin to behave impulsively because 147 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 2: we don't quite have the necessary cognitive space to rationally 148 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:17,640 Speaker 2: and logically think everything through, or the other alternative is 149 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 2: that we just don't make the decision at all. You know, 150 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,079 Speaker 2: Think about when you come home from a long day 151 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,960 Speaker 2: of work. You're exhausted, you're tired, you're sitting on the couch, 152 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 2: and you have to decide whether you want to go 153 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,240 Speaker 2: for a run, whether you want to see your friend 154 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 2: clean your room, or I don't know, go out for dinner. 155 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:38,600 Speaker 2: But suddenly, like two hours pass and you realize you've 156 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 2: spent that whole time on your phone, sitting on the couch, 157 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 2: and so you end up doing none of those things. 158 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 2: That is an example of what happens when you face 159 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:51,439 Speaker 2: decision fatigue. You end up choosing the path of least 160 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:55,319 Speaker 2: resistance because there's been so much else in your mind, 161 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:59,440 Speaker 2: on your mind, bothering you, consuming your limited cognitive space, 162 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 2: that you just end up doing the thing that is easiest, 163 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 2: and that is mindlessly scrolling on your phone. Now, I 164 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:11,760 Speaker 2: will say not all indecisiveness is necessarily negative. There is 165 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 2: definitely an important line between being decisive being someone who 166 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:21,320 Speaker 2: gets shit done, and being impulsive or being rash and 167 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 2: not thinking things through. I think when it comes down 168 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 2: to big decisions, it's important to have some caution. It's 169 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:33,240 Speaker 2: important to actually have a clear idea of what you 170 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 2: want and why. And that is kind of the lucky 171 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,679 Speaker 2: balance that we need to strike, not getting too caught 172 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,560 Speaker 2: up in the what and the why, but actually making 173 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 2: sure that we're conscious of what we actually desire. So 174 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,400 Speaker 2: there was a really interesting BBC article published a couple 175 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 2: of years ago, and it made the argument that indecisiveness 176 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:59,240 Speaker 2: actually makes us smarter because we tend to engage in 177 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: more complex decision making when it comes to our choices 178 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,480 Speaker 2: and what we want from them. We take a lot 179 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 2: more time to pause, to think things through. We think 180 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 2: about things from a different perspective. Right, It's kind of 181 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 2: like you have this ball in your hand. Either you 182 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 2: pick it up and throw it, or you take time 183 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,440 Speaker 2: to examine it, you look at it from all different 184 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 2: angles before you end up throwing things away, before you 185 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 2: end up just tossing it anywhere. I want to throw 186 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 2: something else into the mix as well. So, according to 187 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,480 Speaker 2: a recent paper from two researchers out of Germany, what 188 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 2: matters in our life satisfaction like that research paper was 189 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,080 Speaker 2: saying before you Know it said that if you're indecisive, 190 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 2: you're not as happy. What they found was that it's 191 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 2: not about being indecisive, it's actually about being ambivalent, and 192 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:51,960 Speaker 2: the two things often get confused when we overthink what 193 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 2: the right choice might be, what's going to make us happier. 194 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,480 Speaker 2: That is an indicator that you're actually thinking about your future, 195 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,960 Speaker 2: You actually care, You care about doing the right thing. 196 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,679 Speaker 2: When you're ambivalent, though, and that's why you're not making decisions. 197 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,000 Speaker 2: That kind of demonstrates that you just, you know, you 198 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:14,600 Speaker 2: have this level of apathy whereby maybe there's something else 199 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,360 Speaker 2: going on in your life. You're unhappy, you're self sabotaging, 200 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,920 Speaker 2: maybe you're even depressed, which means that you actually don't 201 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,080 Speaker 2: have the energy or the motivation to care about what 202 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 2: happens to you. And that is the worst kind of indecisiveness, 203 00:12:30,559 --> 00:12:35,480 Speaker 2: indecisiveness that comes from not caring about your future. The 204 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:40,240 Speaker 2: indecisiveness that we typically think about, though, is indecisiveness about 205 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 2: caring too much. And I think it's super fascinating because 206 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 2: it face value. Society tends to see people who struggle 207 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:52,719 Speaker 2: making decisions as just being lazy, right, But really they 208 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 2: can be anxious, they can be perfectionists, they can be 209 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 2: struggling with this concept known as choice overload depression. There 210 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,760 Speaker 2: is so much more nuance to be had in this conversation. 211 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:09,000 Speaker 2: So what causes us to become chronically indecisive or chronic 212 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 2: overthinkers when it comes to our options and our choices. Well, 213 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:18,240 Speaker 2: we're going to focus on four explanations, starting with the 214 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 2: biggest one, which is the fear of failure or the 215 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:26,440 Speaker 2: fear of choosing wrong. A lot of us experience decision 216 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 2: paralysis because we are very innately aware of the possibility 217 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:36,199 Speaker 2: of screwing up right when it comes to being life choices, 218 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 2: even small ones. We cannot mentally handle the possibility of 219 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 2: being wrong and then eventually regretting our decision. A lot 220 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 2: of us fear regret, especially in our twenties, and we 221 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,480 Speaker 2: know that a fear of regret contributes to an action 222 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,200 Speaker 2: when we are trying to make a choice between option A, B, 223 00:13:55,840 --> 00:14:00,800 Speaker 2: C D. What we're judging these choices by is the outcome. 224 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 2: And all of this is based on hypotheticals. We don't 225 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 2: actually know what's going to occur, right, So we are 226 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 2: like subconsciously running this like mental pro con equation in 227 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,720 Speaker 2: the back of our mind to determine what we think 228 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:20,240 Speaker 2: will maximize the things that we want, whether that's happiness, wealth, pleasure, 229 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,920 Speaker 2: and minimize the things we don't want, like pain, disappointment. 230 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 2: But we actually don't know how these things will turn out, 231 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 2: and so we're faced with a lot of uncertainty. When 232 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:37,240 Speaker 2: we face uncertainty, we tend to catastrophize, which means that 233 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 2: we focus excessively on how things could turn out poorly 234 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 2: for us, rather than the likely chance that they will 235 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 2: turn out all right and if they don't, will be okay. 236 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,480 Speaker 2: The reason that we focus on the possibility of things 237 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:57,360 Speaker 2: going wrong is because our brains naturally want to protect 238 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:04,040 Speaker 2: us from emotionally and physically, mentally psychologically painful experiences. And 239 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,680 Speaker 2: the way that it protects us from them is by 240 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,360 Speaker 2: avoiding them in the first place. And the way that 241 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 2: it avoids them in the first place, I know, keep 242 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 2: following me here, is by trying to predict the future. 243 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 2: We cannot predict the future, so instead we choose the 244 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 2: option that makes us feel safe and more comfortable, and 245 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,600 Speaker 2: what ends up happening is that we get so worked 246 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 2: up by what could possibly occur that we just don't 247 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 2: make any decision at all. Not making a decision makes 248 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:41,920 Speaker 2: us feel less responsible if the worst case scenario were 249 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 2: to happen. It's also why we kind of constantly seek 250 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,040 Speaker 2: reassurance from others. Right We ask our friends what they 251 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,680 Speaker 2: think we should do. We get our parents or even 252 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 2: our partner to make our choices for us, whether that's 253 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,440 Speaker 2: like deciding on the restaurant for tonight, or the plans 254 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 2: or the movie. All of this is a way of 255 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 2: reducing or even eliminating our sense of personal responsibility and 256 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 2: accountability that we believe might contribute to a greater sense 257 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,800 Speaker 2: of disappointment or regret if things aren't as good as 258 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,720 Speaker 2: we thought they would be, if the restaurant is a 259 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 2: let down, if we actually end up screwing up our lives. 260 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 2: At least we can kind of maintain a sense of like, well, 261 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 2: at least it wasn't my fault. At least it wasn't 262 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:27,040 Speaker 2: all me. At Least these people helped me. In this 263 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 2: day and age, we are also increasingly facing a bias 264 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:36,840 Speaker 2: known as choice overload. So it is both a blessing 265 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,560 Speaker 2: and a curse that this generation we have so much 266 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 2: freedom to choose what we want with our lives, more 267 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,840 Speaker 2: than any generation before us. We have so much freedom 268 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,360 Speaker 2: to decide whether we want a work full time, whether 269 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 2: we want to go back to UNI, pick up a trade, 270 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 2: or travel or freelance, or pursue our creative interests, or 271 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 2: work behind a bar. Like I think, especially the creation 272 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,360 Speaker 2: invention of the Internet, our eyes are a lot more 273 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 2: open to the opportunity that this world provides. But researchers 274 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,600 Speaker 2: have begun to notice that when we have too many options, 275 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 2: this actually has the opposite effect that we would assume. 276 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,840 Speaker 2: It doesn't necessarily make us feel more free. It actually 277 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:26,560 Speaker 2: makes us feel in a really strange, counterintuitive way, it 278 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 2: makes us feel more restricted, because now now that we 279 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,239 Speaker 2: have more options, we start to perceive that we have 280 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,639 Speaker 2: a greater risk of choosing the wrong one, if that 281 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 2: makes sense. So, if you only had two job offers 282 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 2: to consider versus let's say six, there is like a 283 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:48,200 Speaker 2: fifty to fifty chance that you'll choose the right job 284 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:52,160 Speaker 2: in the first scenario, and in the second scenario, where 285 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,200 Speaker 2: there are like six different options, there's only a fifteen 286 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,360 Speaker 2: percent chance that you're going to choose the best case scenario. Obviously, 287 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 2: there there are other factors that come into consideration, and 288 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 2: things aren't always coming down to that kind of simplistic math, 289 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:10,280 Speaker 2: but that's how our brain sees it. Our brain sees 290 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,800 Speaker 2: all these things in front of us and goes, okay, 291 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,600 Speaker 2: more opportunities, that is more information to consider. There is 292 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 2: more of a risk that we're going to choose the 293 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:23,639 Speaker 2: wrong one. Essentially, we also tend to feel like with 294 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,879 Speaker 2: each choice we kind of close more doors than we open, 295 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 2: which is really scary, especially when we are so young 296 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 2: and we want to feel really free and liberated and 297 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,760 Speaker 2: able to do what we want. So again, we put 298 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:43,440 Speaker 2: off making a decision to keep our options open, when 299 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:47,200 Speaker 2: in fact, what we're actually doing is closing ourselves off 300 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:51,320 Speaker 2: because we're never fully embracing those opportunities. We're just keeping 301 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 2: them there in case we might decide one day that 302 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 2: we want to do them. So it's really interesting because 303 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:01,200 Speaker 2: when we are in de sip and we are forced 304 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,960 Speaker 2: to make a decision, we actually tend to look at 305 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:09,359 Speaker 2: less information than people who are more decisive, because we 306 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,520 Speaker 2: understand intuitively that more information is going to make it 307 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:17,920 Speaker 2: a lot more difficult for us to choose just one thing. 308 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,919 Speaker 2: We don't want to get caught up in this choice overload. 309 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,920 Speaker 2: One researcher put it really well, So, for instance, you're 310 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,239 Speaker 2: an indecisive person and you're shopping for a car, and 311 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:34,200 Speaker 2: what you might do is willfully choose to not do 312 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:38,320 Speaker 2: as much research as you should so that you have 313 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 2: fewer options, so that you have fewer things to consider. 314 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 2: That is like one way of being strategic about our 315 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,080 Speaker 2: indecisiveness so that we don't overload ourselves. But the thing 316 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,439 Speaker 2: is is that in those situations, we don't make an 317 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 2: informed decision, right, We just made an easier decision. We 318 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 2: recognize that if we were to have all the information, 319 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,400 Speaker 2: to all the facts, there is no way that we're 320 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,480 Speaker 2: getting through all that. There is no way that we 321 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,800 Speaker 2: are not going to that we are going to make 322 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,920 Speaker 2: a choice and not have some kind of doubts about 323 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,160 Speaker 2: it because that's where our decision or procrastination comes in. 324 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 2: It might not surprise you either that people with ADHD 325 00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 2: are more prone to this as well, because they already 326 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,920 Speaker 2: feel overwhelmed by a lot of information coming from their environment, 327 00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:29,440 Speaker 2: So making choices like this becomes agony. I think across 328 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 2: all neurotypes in decision and indecisiveness is also more pronounced 329 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,440 Speaker 2: if you are someone who just lacks a certain level 330 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 2: of confidence in your own skills and abilities and your 331 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,840 Speaker 2: ability to make good choices. Now, our confidence really derives 332 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,440 Speaker 2: from our sense of self esteem, our resilient, competent, intelligent, 333 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 2: we see ourselves as being, and therefore, to what degree 334 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,919 Speaker 2: we feel that we can trust our assessments of a 335 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,880 Speaker 2: decision or a choice. Our level of confidence in our 336 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:03,159 Speaker 2: decision making ability comes back to how we were raised. 337 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:08,359 Speaker 2: As most things in psychology tend to do, there's always 338 00:21:08,359 --> 00:21:13,240 Speaker 2: some kind of behavioral psychological mental origin in childhood. So 339 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,720 Speaker 2: if you were raised in a family in which you 340 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:21,639 Speaker 2: had maybe overbearing parents, that's one example, especially an authoritarian father. 341 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 2: That's what one study suggests that it's not just about 342 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 2: an overbearing mother, but an overbearing father in particular, if 343 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,359 Speaker 2: you were raised in that environment and you never had 344 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:33,440 Speaker 2: the opportunity to make decisions, or you were raised in 345 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:38,160 Speaker 2: an environment where any small failure was really intensely criticized, 346 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,159 Speaker 2: you don't feel strong enough in your ability to trust 347 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,400 Speaker 2: yourself and the choices that you're making. So in those 348 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:50,360 Speaker 2: situations when your hand is kind of forced, you genuinely 349 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:54,399 Speaker 2: are paralyzed. You have this constant mental back and forth, 350 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 2: not because you don't know what you want, but because 351 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 2: you don't trust what you want. I don't trust that 352 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 2: this might not lead to some kind of consequence that 353 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 2: you can't foresee. You're not used to making decisions for yourself. 354 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,000 Speaker 2: You feel like if you are to mess up, you're 355 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 2: going to be criticized, people are going to judge you, 356 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,360 Speaker 2: So you spend more time thinking things through. So family 357 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 2: is another explanation, but another component of our indecisiveness that 358 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 2: I find particularly interesting. I think this relates to me 359 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:31,600 Speaker 2: a lot is the interactions between indecisiveness, perfectionism, and anxiety. Now, 360 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:36,280 Speaker 2: perfectionism is a very broad personality trait. It essentially describes 361 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:41,040 Speaker 2: people who are overly concerned with striving for flawlessness, and 362 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,359 Speaker 2: they're very critical of themselves when they don't meet the 363 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:48,119 Speaker 2: kind of unrealistic standards or goals that they set for themselves. 364 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,359 Speaker 2: When they fail to meet their own expectations or maybe 365 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,600 Speaker 2: those of others, but normally they are self imposed expectations, 366 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,639 Speaker 2: this just means they place a lot more pressure on 367 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:02,040 Speaker 2: themselves to do better next time, to not make that 368 00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:05,440 Speaker 2: mistake again, to make sure that we are hitting our targets. 369 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:09,120 Speaker 2: Every time we're making the perfect decisions, we cannot screw up, 370 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,159 Speaker 2: and so it makes them incredibly hyper vigilant to the 371 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:18,400 Speaker 2: possibility of mistakes. Perfectionism makes it so hard to make 372 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 2: decisions because, like we said before, you just don't know 373 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,600 Speaker 2: what's going to happen sometimes, and it's this trait that 374 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 2: is a lot higher in people who display anxious traits 375 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:34,120 Speaker 2: or who have anxiety. Anxiety really exacerbates our perfectionism because 376 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,879 Speaker 2: there is this innate tendency within both to really overthink 377 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 2: or ruminate on what could go wrong and what has 378 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,480 Speaker 2: gone wrong in the past. So that makes it really 379 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 2: hard to not be focused on what could go wrong 380 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 2: in the future. So as a result, our perfectionism means 381 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,200 Speaker 2: that it takes a lot of time to work through 382 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:59,840 Speaker 2: small choices, small decisions, because they take on a whole 383 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,840 Speaker 2: new degree of importance. If everything has to be perfect, 384 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 2: if everything has to go according to plan and be flawless, 385 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,160 Speaker 2: then we're not taking any chances here. We're taking all 386 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 2: the time we can get to make sure that we 387 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 2: know exactly what we're doing and that this is the 388 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,199 Speaker 2: right thing. For us, because again we can't cope with 389 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,720 Speaker 2: the idea of misstepping, so we delay any kind of 390 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:27,399 Speaker 2: action or movement towards our goals. We become again just 391 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:32,040 Speaker 2: so paralyzed. In the contemplation stage, we think that if 392 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 2: we stay there long enough, eventually we're going to be 393 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 2: able to see some kind of have some epiphany about 394 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:42,560 Speaker 2: what we should do, that the future will reveal itself 395 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:46,000 Speaker 2: to us, will know exactly what the perfect plan is, 396 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 2: what exactly what's going to like optimize everything in our lives. 397 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 2: If we go to this school, then we're going to 398 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 2: get this job, and we're going to live in this 399 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 2: city and make this much money and meet this person 400 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,359 Speaker 2: that is never going to be clear. A lot of 401 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:03,320 Speaker 2: decision making kind of comes down to chance. A lot 402 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:07,479 Speaker 2: of the outcomes of our decision comes down to chance. 403 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 2: And chance is not something we can control, which means 404 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:17,159 Speaker 2: that it's not something that really lends itself to creating 405 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:22,879 Speaker 2: like the perfect life, to making ourselves feel flawless and perfect, 406 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,600 Speaker 2: to allowing ourselves to meet our high standards, not to 407 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 2: kind of be a dead horse. But I think perfectionism 408 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,680 Speaker 2: is also a real breeding ground for unrealistic expectations right. 409 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 2: As annoying as it is, you can't get it right 410 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,360 Speaker 2: every time. Every movie you choose to watch isn't going 411 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,000 Speaker 2: to be your favorite, Every restaurant isn't going to be amazing. 412 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 2: Sometimes you do wish that you could go back, but 413 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,680 Speaker 2: sadly you can't, and you have to make the most 414 00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:53,800 Speaker 2: of what you have. That's especially hard for perfectionists because perfectionism, 415 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 2: of course, it doesn't leave any room for that kind 416 00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:01,199 Speaker 2: of self compassion. It doesn't leave any room for valuing 417 00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 2: what we want, for valuing our mistakes, because that is 418 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:09,040 Speaker 2: not on the agenda, right, that does not match the 419 00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:13,560 Speaker 2: overall mission of getting everything right the first time. So 420 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,399 Speaker 2: we've kind of got a good lay of the land 421 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,560 Speaker 2: around what causes our chronic indecisiveness. And that's all great, 422 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,879 Speaker 2: you know, that's all fine and lovely. But knowing that, 423 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,280 Speaker 2: what do we do about it? If we're just sick 424 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:30,719 Speaker 2: of getting stuck in the analysis, paralysis, of wasting our time, 425 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:36,240 Speaker 2: of feeling judged because we get stuck and we're stuck overthinking, 426 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 2: we can't truly confront our fears. We need to make 427 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,600 Speaker 2: the perfect choice, what do we do about it? What 428 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,000 Speaker 2: do we do about it so that we can accept 429 00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,320 Speaker 2: failure as being part of this process, except that it's 430 00:26:47,359 --> 00:26:49,959 Speaker 2: not going to be the correct decision every time, but 431 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 2: still move forward and still actually do something. Well. I'm 432 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:55,920 Speaker 2: going to talk about all of that and more after 433 00:26:55,960 --> 00:27:04,440 Speaker 2: this shortbreak, so stay with us. Curing or overcoming our 434 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,359 Speaker 2: indecisiveness is not as simple as most people would think. 435 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,879 Speaker 2: It's not about giving ourselves time limits. It's not about 436 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,360 Speaker 2: going over the options and making pro con lists. It's 437 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:17,320 Speaker 2: not about choosing randomly, and it's not about just swallowing 438 00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 2: your fear and hoping that it goes away. That might 439 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,720 Speaker 2: work for some people, and congratulations if it does, you 440 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:28,240 Speaker 2: have done my work for me. But I think that 441 00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,719 Speaker 2: when we use those band aid fixes of being impulsive 442 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:36,240 Speaker 2: or just trying to force ourselves into something that feels unnatural, 443 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,560 Speaker 2: we're inevitably going to revert back to our previous pattern 444 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:45,159 Speaker 2: and habit of procrastination and contemplation. So what we actually 445 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,280 Speaker 2: are required to do is identify why it is that 446 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 2: you feel stuck, why it is that you lack confidence, 447 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,920 Speaker 2: why does that you feel failure, that you are a perfectionist, 448 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,200 Speaker 2: that you are anxious or ambivalent, and start from there 449 00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:02,200 Speaker 2: address the root cause before you can kind of address 450 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 2: the problem. Right. So the biggest contributor, as we discussed, 451 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:09,679 Speaker 2: is fear of failure and perfectionism. We can't cope with 452 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 2: the possibility of things not turning out how we like 453 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:18,840 Speaker 2: or experiencing regret. In order to overcome this, we need 454 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:23,160 Speaker 2: to focus on being good, not perfect, and we call 455 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,760 Speaker 2: this the eighty twenty rule. So the eighty twenty rule 456 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:30,960 Speaker 2: is actually something that I learned from my previous workplace. 457 00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:34,320 Speaker 2: Shout out to them when I was a consultant back 458 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,879 Speaker 2: in the day. And essentially, the premise is that in 459 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,280 Speaker 2: anything that you do, it doesn't need to be one 460 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:44,200 Speaker 2: hundred percent amazing, It only needs to be eighty percent amazing, 461 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,040 Speaker 2: and you have twenty percent like room for error, twenty 462 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:53,239 Speaker 2: percent like space to not be perfect. This stops us 463 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:57,840 Speaker 2: from obsessing over the minor small details, and we focus 464 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 2: on the things that are going to be most important, 465 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,600 Speaker 2: and we focus on just getting that eighty percent right 466 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 2: so that we don't get stuck on the final twenty 467 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,760 Speaker 2: percent and end up kind of losing all the work 468 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:14,200 Speaker 2: that we've done before that. Right, Like, if for example, 469 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,160 Speaker 2: you have an essay that you're trying to get done, 470 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:19,120 Speaker 2: and you're getting incredibly indecisive about like what topic am 471 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,960 Speaker 2: I going to choose? What am I going to write 472 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,360 Speaker 2: it on? Is this right? Is this good research? Is 473 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:26,440 Speaker 2: this going to get me? An A? You're spending so 474 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 2: much time focusing on everything being correct that you're actually 475 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,520 Speaker 2: sacrificing one hundred percent of the project. Right. But if 476 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,760 Speaker 2: you said, Okay, I'm just going to start and I'm 477 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,320 Speaker 2: just going to focus on getting it about like eighty 478 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:44,800 Speaker 2: percent there, eighty percent happy with it, you realize that 479 00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:49,040 Speaker 2: that remaining twenty percent isn't actually that big of a deal, 480 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 2: and so it stops your brain from getting stuck in 481 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,640 Speaker 2: the loop. It takes the pressure off. You know, your 482 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,240 Speaker 2: new one hundred is eighty and that twenty percent is 483 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:02,440 Speaker 2: a nice buffer. I also saw some amazing advice that 484 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,240 Speaker 2: said getting ten things done at eighty five percent or 485 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 2: eighty percent so good but not perfect is going to 486 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,240 Speaker 2: do a lot more for your life than getting five 487 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:15,440 Speaker 2: things done one hundred percent perfectly and stressing out over 488 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:18,280 Speaker 2: the other five things that you didn't do. I think 489 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 2: in that situation, right, it really goes to show that 490 00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:23,960 Speaker 2: we spend a lot more time actually worrying about the 491 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,800 Speaker 2: stuff that we didn't do than the stuff that we 492 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:29,080 Speaker 2: did do, And when we think about that in the 493 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:32,120 Speaker 2: context of our decisions, we spend a lot more time 494 00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:36,800 Speaker 2: worrying about regret than actually experiencing regret. I think it's 495 00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:40,760 Speaker 2: also important to delineate between the big decisions and the 496 00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 2: small ones and focus on what is important. Devote your 497 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,920 Speaker 2: time to that, rather than getting held up and all 498 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,000 Speaker 2: the small stuff and getting stuck in a rut of 499 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:55,480 Speaker 2: decision fatigue. Think about the decisions you need to make 500 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,840 Speaker 2: as if they are on a scale. You have your littles, 501 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:02,600 Speaker 2: you have your mediums, you have your massives. The littles 502 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 2: are the daily choices that won't really impact you for 503 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:10,280 Speaker 2: more than like, maximum twenty four hours. You can make 504 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 2: most of them pretty impulsively or quickly, and most of 505 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 2: the time they won't matter. What you choose to eat, 506 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:17,840 Speaker 2: what you choose to wear, what you do in the evening. 507 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,360 Speaker 2: You can overthink them if you'd like, and you can 508 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:24,640 Speaker 2: catastrophize each little one, but A you just create more 509 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,480 Speaker 2: stress for yourself and you don't deserve that, and B 510 00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:31,440 Speaker 2: you probably won't even end up enjoying whatever it is 511 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,520 Speaker 2: that you choose because you're constantly comparing it to something 512 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 2: potentially better. So by focusing on the bigger stuff, we 513 00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,640 Speaker 2: free up a lot of cognitive space that is probably 514 00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:45,320 Speaker 2: better devoted to the things that are actually going to matter. 515 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 2: It's also important to remember that every outcome normally turns 516 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:54,240 Speaker 2: out to be okay, because usually we end up happy 517 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,080 Speaker 2: with what we have and we do our best with 518 00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:00,440 Speaker 2: our circumstances regardless of what got us there. It's not 519 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,760 Speaker 2: if you're caring this much about these small decisions that 520 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,360 Speaker 2: is great, because that's not going to like not to 521 00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,200 Speaker 2: be cash about it, but that's not going to disappear. 522 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:13,200 Speaker 2: You're not ambivalent, you're not apathetic. You do care, and 523 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:15,560 Speaker 2: that level of care is going to carry with you 524 00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 2: regardless of whether the decisions you're making now turn out great, amazing, fabulous, 525 00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,719 Speaker 2: or not so great. There's no way of knowing if 526 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 2: it would have turned out differently. You just have to 527 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 2: focus on the moment you're in and how you can 528 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:33,440 Speaker 2: make your current circumstances better. Right now, you have all 529 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 2: of the necessary skills to get yourself out of a 530 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,000 Speaker 2: situation you don't want to be in, and if you 531 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,760 Speaker 2: made the wrong choice, your decisions aren't permanent. They can 532 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,920 Speaker 2: be undone. The only decisions you can't undo are the 533 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,960 Speaker 2: ones that you didn't make, are the ones that you 534 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 2: spent being indecisive about to the point where life just 535 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 2: kind of made the decision for you. You know, you 536 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,840 Speaker 2: can change courses at UNI, you can switch jobs, you 537 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,840 Speaker 2: can move back to your own hometown, you can return 538 00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 2: early from a trip, whatever it is. But at eighty 539 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:08,520 Speaker 2: ninety one hundred years old, you can't come back to 540 00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:12,560 Speaker 2: where you are right now and make these choices. You 541 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:16,080 Speaker 2: can't come back and tell yourself just do it. It's 542 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:18,280 Speaker 2: not going to matter. Just do the damn thing. You 543 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 2: can't reverse the regrets that you have around your inaction, 544 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:24,720 Speaker 2: so it makes more sense to just do the thing, 545 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:27,880 Speaker 2: even if you're not sure. And I also think it's 546 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:31,400 Speaker 2: important to shift your mindset from seeing mistakes as a 547 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:35,520 Speaker 2: failure to being part of the plan. Mistakes are a 548 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:39,240 Speaker 2: necessary ingredient. They're part of the process. We learn more 549 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:41,680 Speaker 2: from the times things didn't go our way than the 550 00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 2: times they did, because these situations provide a space for 551 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:49,520 Speaker 2: reflection and redirection. If everything goes perfectly according to plan, 552 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:53,280 Speaker 2: one hundred percent, take tiktick. We never fail. We also 553 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:58,920 Speaker 2: never grow because growth comes from discomfort. It comes from learning, 554 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,520 Speaker 2: pushing past fear, and realizing that even if things don't 555 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:07,720 Speaker 2: turn out completely okay, you're gonna be totally fine. You're 556 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:11,120 Speaker 2: gonna be okay. Something else that really works for me 557 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,319 Speaker 2: is to actually let my fear get as big as 558 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:17,960 Speaker 2: it wants. I let myself catastrophize, even if it seems 559 00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:21,200 Speaker 2: a little bit counterintuitive, hear me out. The reason I 560 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:23,200 Speaker 2: do this is because when you stare at the worst 561 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,640 Speaker 2: case scenario, when you look at it head on, when 562 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:28,279 Speaker 2: you make it as big and scary as you possibly can, 563 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:32,720 Speaker 2: it's never actually that bad. There is always a way out. 564 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:36,480 Speaker 2: You realize that actually the thing that you're overthinking, in 565 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,879 Speaker 2: the grand scheme of things, it's not life ending. It's 566 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:43,160 Speaker 2: really not that important. It's not going to destroy you. 567 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,320 Speaker 2: It's all coming down to the fact that our brain 568 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,759 Speaker 2: likes to focus on what is scary and what it 569 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:53,919 Speaker 2: thinks is dangerous to protect us, even if that thing 570 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:58,040 Speaker 2: is not as important in reality. Okay, I have two 571 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:00,880 Speaker 2: final tips for you. The the first one is to 572 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:05,440 Speaker 2: choose your advice selectively. I think sometimes we use excessive 573 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,480 Speaker 2: advice seeking as a way to put off making a decision. 574 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,440 Speaker 2: When we do this, we get stuck in the information 575 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:15,440 Speaker 2: gathering stage, where we mistakenly believe that the more we know, 576 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:20,279 Speaker 2: the better and easier the decision will be. That is 577 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:24,719 Speaker 2: unfortunately incorrect, as we not already, because it creates choice overload, 578 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:28,840 Speaker 2: information overload. It means that there is just too many factors, 579 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,160 Speaker 2: too many things to add to the pro con list. 580 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,480 Speaker 2: So choose your trusted people, and I would say choose 581 00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 2: two of them, whether that is a parent and your 582 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,640 Speaker 2: best friend, a partner, a mentor, and then of course 583 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,360 Speaker 2: you have yourself. There's three people there who get to 584 00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,040 Speaker 2: have a say in what you're going to decide. Then 585 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:49,480 Speaker 2: make a decision based on averages. If you know your 586 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:52,320 Speaker 2: best friend and your boyfriend both think that you should 587 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,000 Speaker 2: do the thing, you should obviously do it. You don't 588 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:58,040 Speaker 2: need to seek any further advice, and if you feel 589 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 2: the need to, I think that's real revealing. It's so 590 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,319 Speaker 2: fascinating because when other people tell us what we should do, 591 00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:07,479 Speaker 2: it often makes us more aware of what we really want. 592 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:09,920 Speaker 2: It's like when you're trying to decide what you want 593 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,319 Speaker 2: for dinner, right and you ask your friend do you 594 00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:14,200 Speaker 2: want tie food or do you want pizza? I can't 595 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,200 Speaker 2: really choose. You sell them like I just I don't care. 596 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,319 Speaker 2: You choose, It's all up to you. And then they 597 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:21,600 Speaker 2: say pizza and you're like, damn it, I really want 598 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,960 Speaker 2: to tie food. And that is how you reveal your preference. 599 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,600 Speaker 2: The same goes for some of our bigger choices. Right 600 00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:31,520 Speaker 2: when someone else has a strong opinion about what you 601 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:35,480 Speaker 2: should do, sometimes it causes an equally strong reaction in 602 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:40,279 Speaker 2: us that reveals our preferences. Done there, you go, you 603 00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:43,640 Speaker 2: know what you need to do now. And finally, this 604 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:47,440 Speaker 2: is not like a practical thing, but go easy on yourself. 605 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,800 Speaker 2: I just want to remind you you are one small 606 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:54,399 Speaker 2: person and in the grand scheme of things, it might 607 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:56,799 Speaker 2: feel comforting. Maybe it doesn't, But you know what, your 608 00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,160 Speaker 2: choices are not going to end the world. They're not 609 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,759 Speaker 2: going to destroy lives. Most of the time, anything that 610 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,879 Speaker 2: you do can be reversed. Anything that you do you 611 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:10,200 Speaker 2: can fix, you can add on to. It's not the end. 612 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,000 Speaker 2: Don't feel like you are locked into any one decision. 613 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 2: Don't let your decisions take on more gravity and severity 614 00:37:16,719 --> 00:37:19,560 Speaker 2: than they deserve. If it's not going to matter in 615 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,360 Speaker 2: five years. Do not spend more than five seconds thinking 616 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:26,920 Speaker 2: about it. In fact, sometimes the decisions that we're not 617 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:30,719 Speaker 2: too sure of actually bring about even better scenarios than 618 00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:33,080 Speaker 2: we ever could have imagined in the first place, because 619 00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:36,319 Speaker 2: we can't predict the future, and if we tried, we 620 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,439 Speaker 2: normally end up with the future that we didn't even 621 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:41,480 Speaker 2: think of in the first place. So take the pressure off. 622 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:44,560 Speaker 2: It's all going to be okay. I saw someone say 623 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:48,040 Speaker 2: this the other day. But there is no one best choice. 624 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,360 Speaker 2: There is no one decision that is going to completely 625 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:55,160 Speaker 2: change your life. You can make the best of the outcome. 626 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,440 Speaker 2: You can make the best of what happens. It's actually 627 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:03,799 Speaker 2: not about the decision. It's about the conscious daily choices 628 00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:07,360 Speaker 2: that you make to just keep going with your life, 629 00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:11,640 Speaker 2: to keep yourself well, to keep yourself focused, to keep 630 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,640 Speaker 2: yourself on a path. You know, it doesn't really come 631 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 2: down to the big decisions. It comes down to the 632 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:22,520 Speaker 2: small daily choices, the littles. Like I said before, that 633 00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:26,840 Speaker 2: you can make quite quickly. So you've got this believe 634 00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:30,239 Speaker 2: in your capacity to make good choices. Remember that if 635 00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:32,000 Speaker 2: you don't, it's not the end of the world. You 636 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,000 Speaker 2: have a chance to do it over. You have a 637 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:38,200 Speaker 2: chance to reverse decisions, change your mind, undo them, So 638 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:41,320 Speaker 2: go gentle on yourself. I really hope that you enjoyed 639 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:44,239 Speaker 2: this episode. I hope you learned something. I hope that 640 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,560 Speaker 2: it was comforting. And if there is someone else in 641 00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:50,279 Speaker 2: your life who needs to hear this, please feel free 642 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,120 Speaker 2: to share it with them and leave a five star 643 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:56,479 Speaker 2: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, 644 00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:59,920 Speaker 2: make sure you're following along for future episodes. If you 645 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,480 Speaker 2: enjoyed this episode, please let me know. I would love 646 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,880 Speaker 2: to hear from you. I actually feel really indecisive when 647 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,640 Speaker 2: I make this show. Sometimes I really worry about the 648 00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:11,080 Speaker 2: episodes I put out and like if anybody's going to 649 00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:15,920 Speaker 2: relate to them, if anybody even cares. Like I always think, oh, 650 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:18,319 Speaker 2: what if people see this episode and they're like, well, 651 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:19,680 Speaker 2: I'm not going to listen to that because it doesn't 652 00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:22,000 Speaker 2: apply to me, and then they never listen again. That 653 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:26,080 Speaker 2: is an example of how I catastrophize my small, tiny choices. So, 654 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:28,479 Speaker 2: like I said, I'm in the same boat. I would 655 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:31,239 Speaker 2: love to hear from you if you enjoyed this episode. 656 00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:34,440 Speaker 2: If you can put my own sense of self doubt, 657 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:38,840 Speaker 2: to rest, and until next week, be kind, be gentle 658 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:41,759 Speaker 2: to yourself, and we will see you soon.