WEBVTT - Colman Domingo 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:04.600 Um, I'm just waiting for this is the this is 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:07.760 now the recycling truck that's gonna because the other guy 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:16.880 was just the regular trash. Thank you, Johnny, Great green, perfect, Great. 0:00:18.360 --> 0:00:20.640 There's another garbage camp. Yeah, I don't know what. He's 0:00:20.640 --> 0:00:22.919 going back the other way now. And someone's happening in 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:26.360 my little my little community. There's a lot of trash happening. 0:00:26.600 --> 0:00:28.480 There's a lot of garbage happening. You know what. It's 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:31.560 after the fourth of July, and that's probably You're exactly right. 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:35.320 He's doing a double pass. It's like, Wow, people went crazy, 0:00:35.520 --> 0:00:39.599 especially since they were finally able to be so so 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:44.920 there's lots of trash. Hello, I'm mini driver and welcome 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:49.080 to many questions. I've always loved Prus questionnaire. It was 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:51.960 originally an eighteenth century parlor game meant to reveal an 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:56.120 individual's true nature. But with so many questions, there wasn't 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:59.040 really an opportunity to expand on anything. So I took 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:02.320 the format of Pruce questionnaire and adapted what I think 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:04.920 are seven of the most important questions you could ever 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:09.160 ask someone. They are when and where were you happiest? 0:01:10.400 --> 0:01:14.920 What is the quality you like least about yourself. What relationship, 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:19.680 real or fictionalized, defines love for you? What question would 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:24.560 you most like answered, What person, place, or experience has 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:28.319 shaped you the most? What would be your last meal? 0:01:29.800 --> 0:01:32.360 And can you tell me something in your life that 0:01:32.440 --> 0:01:36.120 has grown out of a personal disaster. The more people 0:01:36.200 --> 0:01:38.959 we ask, the more we begin to see what makes 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:43.240 us similar and what makes us individual. I've gathered a 0:01:43.280 --> 0:01:45.920 group of really remarkable people who I am honored and 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:49.640 humbled to have had a chance to engage with. My 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:53.520 guest today on many questions is actor, producer and director 0:01:53.840 --> 0:01:57.800 Coleman Domingo. Coleman is what I would call a connector. 0:01:58.600 --> 0:02:02.480 He connects people and ideas and moves through the world 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:07.040 with a kind of creative joy. I sometimes imagine him 0:02:07.080 --> 0:02:09.680 like a fairy tale princess lost in the forest, where 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:13.400 the path lights up with every step that they take, 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:18.200 and they're followed by a gentle chorus of butterflies and birds. 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:23.960 He is pretty incandescent. We talked about life and love, 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:29.720 and particularly about change and how it's both a gift 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:32.919 and a blight. I left our conversation with a smile 0:02:32.960 --> 0:02:41.200 on my face that has actually yet to recede. What person, place, 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:48.040 or experience has most altered your life? Oh wow, I 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:53.799 would say Francisco. I moved to San Francisco when I 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:56.959 was twenty years old, and I thought I was moving 0:02:56.960 --> 0:02:59.200 to San Francisco to become an artist. That I became 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:01.639 a man there. I thought I was going to become 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:04.920 an actor. I became an artist there. It was transformative 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:09.880 to me because I moved there. I just did redefine myself. 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:11.640 To very honest, had a buddy who moved to San 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:15.480 Francisco after college and he was like, Hey, I got 0:03:15.480 --> 0:03:18.240 this place in the Tendue District. It's nothing, but you 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:21.120 know street walkers and der Alexey Navy in the neighborhood. 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:23.280 We live in a studio, and you want to come 0:03:23.280 --> 0:03:25.359 and live in a studio with us. I'm like, absolutely, 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:27.399 because that's what you do when you're twenty years old. 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:29.919 You live with four other dudes in a studio apartment. 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:35.400 And I literally slept in a closet. But it was 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:37.440 a place where I feel like I grew the most, 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:40.440 and I sort of redefined myself in every single way. 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:43.240 I grew my hair out, I started to hippie drum 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:46.440 circles and do you know Watsu and be on the 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:50.480 beach naked. I became another version of myself. I became 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:54.160 this weirdo artist boy. And then I got even more 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:56.760 focused in terms of like what I believe, my intentions, 0:03:56.760 --> 0:03:59.440 where my purpose was, which was being an artist. So 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:03.400 San Francis sco hold so much of my heart because 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:05.640 although I grew up in Philadelphia, I feel like I 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:08.440 was raised in San Francisco and I was there for 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:12.280 ten years. Yeah, but in San Francisco from one to 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:16.280 two thousand one? Wow did you become an actor? That? Yeah? 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:18.719 I became an actor there. I had this inkling. I 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:21.000 took a few classes at the Walmut Street Theater School 0:04:21.080 --> 0:04:23.160 and at Temple University, and then I moved to San 0:04:23.160 --> 0:04:27.120 Francisco just you know, with questions and wanted to try things. 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:29.440 And then I started get cast, and then I had 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:31.960 to actually learn about what I was actually doing. So 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:36.839 my productions were my conservatory, my books, my mindster, my Stanislavski, 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:38.880 you name it. By Udha had in respect for acting, 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:42.000 I learned blocking by doing it, by wondering what is blocking? 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:43.960 What are they writing on stage? So anyway, I became 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:46.719 a theater artist in San Francisco, and I learned to 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:50.479 respect the theater and respect craftsmanship, and you know, I 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.520 was securely in the theater for you know, I would 0:04:53.560 --> 0:04:57.159 say twenty six years of my career was fully majority 0:04:57.160 --> 0:04:59.680 of arly on the stage and writing for the stage 0:04:59.680 --> 0:05:04.120 and to think, yeah, wow, Garli. I always wanted to 0:05:04.120 --> 0:05:07.600 work in the theater and I could just never get cast. 0:05:08.120 --> 0:05:11.359 I remember I lived around the corner from the Royal Court, 0:05:11.640 --> 0:05:14.880 which is this amazing theater in London. This incredible artistic 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:17.040 director at the time of this guy called Max Stafford Clark. 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:19.640 I literally used to go and I talked my way 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.400 in through the theater and they'd be rehearsing in the 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:24.120 studio or whatever, and I'd find my way to his 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:28.440 office and I'd be like hello, and he'd be like yes, 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:32.400 and I'd be like, I'm a local actor. I need 0:05:32.560 --> 0:05:38.000 to work. I've auditioned a hundred times. Can you give 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:41.120 me a job? And he would look at my resume 0:05:41.200 --> 0:05:43.640 and he would go, yeah, well, you've got no theater 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:48.680 on here, and I was like, no, I know, so 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:52.400 we can we can get some theater on there. I 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:54.760 used to badger him and it was so funny. I 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:57.240 just never I don't know, what it was. I kept 0:05:57.240 --> 0:06:00.279 getting cast in television, and when you're young, you know, 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:02.039 obviously you've got to pay the bills. You gotta do 0:06:02.040 --> 0:06:03.880 whatever comes your way. But I never got any of 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.880 the theater work. I don't really have many regrets, but 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:09.800 that is definitely one of mine, is that I've read 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:11.920 them a million times, but I never got to play 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:15.440 those women that I read. It's not too late, I 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:17.640 think you never know when I don't know, maybe you've 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.360 been just dating and holding this in for so long, 0:06:20.400 --> 0:06:23.800 but maybe that theatrical experience will now blossom out of 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:28.440 you at this time. Why not you never know? I 0:06:28.520 --> 0:06:30.840 had a dream how to dream the other night. I'm 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:33.760 not kidding. It has never been my dream to play Juliet. 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:36.239 By the way, She's one of the least interesting women 0:06:36.520 --> 0:06:40.320 that I have wanted to play. I actually auditioned for 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:44.240 drama school in the role of Volumnia Caria Leans his mother. 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:47.880 So I was seventeen, playing you know, a woman in 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:51.440 her late thirties early forties, and they were so amused. 0:06:51.480 --> 0:06:52.760 I think that's why they kind of gave me a 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:55.559 call back. They were like, this weird child, like playing 0:06:55.560 --> 0:06:58.680 a middle aged woman with a grown up Warriors son 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:02.000 like what I was like, I saw Judy, don't do it. 0:07:02.000 --> 0:07:05.719 It was amazing. And they were like, if you took 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.400 it upon yourself to think that would be a good idea. 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:10.240 They had this dream the other night that I was 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:13.960 playing Juliet. It was so funny and in one of 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:16.160 the scenes with Romeo, it was actually the scene with 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:21.000 respectfully taking poison and I sat up and went, I 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:23.840 want to be you, I don't want to be me. 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:27.320 Can we switch? And he said, well, yeah, but we're 0:07:27.360 --> 0:07:33.040 both still going to die. It was quite a cool dream. 0:07:33.160 --> 0:07:42.480 That is fantastic. Oh my god, Where and when were 0:07:42.480 --> 0:07:46.560 you happiest? Immediately? The first thing I think about is 0:07:46.560 --> 0:07:52.680 with my mother. I think probably sitting in the kitchen 0:07:52.880 --> 0:07:59.000 of our row home in Philadelphia around and probably doing 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.960 my homework at the kitchen table while my mother is cooking. 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:03.880 And when she would cook, like in the summer or 0:08:03.920 --> 0:08:06.200 something like that, she was cooking her bra. She was 0:08:06.240 --> 0:08:09.760 cooking her bra and her slip, and so I just thought, 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:11.720 I don't know, that's where my mother cooks. She gets 0:08:11.800 --> 0:08:15.280 very comfortable and she usually I can see her frying 0:08:15.360 --> 0:08:18.000 chicken and she's sweating a little bit. But she's also 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:21.120 teaching me. She loved that I was curious about how 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:24.320 she did things in the kitchen and something about that 0:08:24.440 --> 0:08:26.080 just with a mother's love and the kids and my 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:29.800 mother always just she was just a real cool, fun 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.320 sweet woman. She's no longer with us, and I'm not 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:36.800 someone to angelicize someone, but my mother was really awesome. 0:08:36.880 --> 0:08:40.360 She was funny and fun and interesting and always curious 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:43.200 and inspiring me to be curious as well. So, you know, 0:08:43.360 --> 0:08:45.800 late seventies ear ladies, sitting in the kitchen with my mom. 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:48.840 Do you think those are the corner stones of happiness 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:57.240 for you, which is comfort and homeliness and feeling safe. Yeah, 0:08:57.280 --> 0:09:00.000 I think many. That's why I tend to have people 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:03.160 over to any apartment or house that I've ever had. 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:06.679 I'm always the hub. People know that I will have 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:09.640 a dinner party just because come over for dinner. I 0:09:09.679 --> 0:09:12.400 love to feed people. Have a beautiful garden pool, and 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:15.720 I want people over enjoying it at all times, because 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:17.760 I think that's what maybe I was taught, that you 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:19.880 share these things, you always have a sense of love 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:23.800 and comfort in safety people. I love that It's so 0:09:23.840 --> 0:09:27.320 funny because you'd invited us over on July four, and 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:31.600 I wish I could have got there, because your your 0:09:31.640 --> 0:09:35.600 home does look absolutely spectacular. It looks like it's set 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:39.040 up for you to never leave it, you know what. Listen, 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:43.920 we're the second owners after the first owners built the house, 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:46.360 and it was built by a Jewish doctor and his 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:50.920 wife in nine and he built it to be the 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:53.800 house that he's in forever. And he was until he 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:56.360 was ill and his wife was ill, and then the 0:09:56.400 --> 0:09:59.760 house went to the children, and then they finally sold 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:03.479 it to us. And I feel, honestly like the caretaker 0:10:03.520 --> 0:10:05.360 of the house. I feel less like, oh, I bought 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:06.880 a house and we made it our own. But I 0:10:06.880 --> 0:10:08.800 felt like I wanted to love this house because you 0:10:08.800 --> 0:10:11.120 could tell it was loved. You couldn't feel it. When 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:13.080 anyone comes over to the house, they're like, oh, no 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:15.400 one ever wants to leave. By the way my party 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:17.320 it started out, I was like, we have an afternoon hang. 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:19.480 It started at two o'clock and I didn't endle two 0:10:19.520 --> 0:10:22.200 thirty in the morning. Oh my god, I wish we'd come. 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:26.000 It's that house, I'm telling you, And it happens consistently. 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:28.160 I'm just say, no one ever wants to leave my house. 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:31.000 I want people to feel loved, and so I'm like, 0:10:31.120 --> 0:10:33.640 take a nap, there, go jump in the pool, there, 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:37.040 go use this what, there's lotions, whatever you whatever you need, 0:10:37.240 --> 0:10:39.800 the house is open for you. You know, it's a 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:42.760 very particular thing being a host, and there is a 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:44.760 huge amount of generosity. And I must say that's what 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:47.280 I think of when I think of you as an actor. 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:53.559 Thank you, generosity. Being part of a cast or collection 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:57.319 of actors. It's such a particular mindset, you know, it's wild. 0:10:57.320 --> 0:11:01.240 I think I've always approached what we do many as 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:05.520 a service job, that we truly are in service. And 0:11:05.559 --> 0:11:08.080 I think those routes started in the theater, where it's 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:11.960 like I knew the task, I knew what the assignment was, 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:14.280 which was to be in service to the audience, to 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:16.679 be in service to the story, being service to what 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:19.560 we're creating, To not come in with any preconceived notions, 0:11:19.640 --> 0:11:21.880 but do as much as I can and then see 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:24.320 what I bring to the table, and then welcome what 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:26.679 someone else brings in. To be honest, if I know 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:29.800 one good thing about myself, I may not be the 0:11:29.880 --> 0:11:33.400 best at many things, but I know I'm a good host. 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.040 And I know that. That's why I become a director, 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:39.080 because I know how to throw a good party. I 0:11:39.080 --> 0:11:41.160 think there's skills of yours that you need. You're like, 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:43.520 oh no, I know my parties are good because I 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:46.880 know about the music. Who did invite? Why to invite them? 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.760 The kind of vibe. I'm curating the whole thing, you know, 0:11:49.840 --> 0:11:52.440 and I'm leading the vision and then just welcoming what 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:55.280 everyone brings to it, like bring something, bring a cake, 0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:58.760 bring nothing, bringing babens to but bring something that is 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:03.040 going to help generate this huge, I don't know, epic 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.960 experiment of communication and love. That's why I invited you, guys. 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:08.960 I felt like I knew what you would bring and 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:14.319 whatever that is, you know, I would have bought ribs 0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:19.120 and a good attitude. Oh yes, thank you for bringing ribs. 0:12:19.440 --> 0:12:23.040 I appreciate that. Pork ribs or beef ribs. Many porker 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:25.960 beef pork cribs, poor cribs, same here, thank you. I'm 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:28.200 committed to pork. I understand the deep ribs. Too big, 0:12:28.240 --> 0:12:31.520 too much, too big, and too much, too big, too 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:35.040 gaming exactly. Yes, thank you, See many, I knew you 0:12:35.040 --> 0:12:38.280 were invited to the cookout. I'm coming to another cookout. 0:12:40.080 --> 0:12:41.920 I want to stay at a party till two thirty 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:46.680 in the morning. That's amazing. It just kept going. I 0:12:46.720 --> 0:12:49.320 love it. I love it when the right people won't leave. 0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:53.080 It's the worst thing when the wrong people start. But 0:12:53.120 --> 0:12:55.440 then you really have only yourself to blame for having 0:12:55.480 --> 0:12:59.360 invited them in the first place. So you just talked 0:12:59.400 --> 0:13:02.480 about being able to appreciate that about yourself, which I 0:13:02.559 --> 0:13:05.240 love so much because it means that you can actually 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:07.440 consciously add that and the things you know you like 0:13:07.559 --> 0:13:10.480 about yourself, you can consciously bring them to the things 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.240 that you do in the way you move through the world. 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:28.160 So tell me what relationship, real or fictionalized, defines love 0:13:28.240 --> 0:13:31.120 for you. I think to be honest, I just have 0:13:31.240 --> 0:13:36.120 to say my husband m Role is one of a kind. 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:40.520 I admire him. We've been together for seventeen years and 0:13:40.559 --> 0:13:43.160 I really admire him. It's not only just about our love, 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:48.320 but it's also about our brotherhood, about our friendship, about 0:13:48.320 --> 0:13:51.439 our patients with each other, about a stepping outside of 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:54.360 the unit and saying what do you need? Where are you? 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:57.680 And he's gone often saved whales and you know, turtles. 0:13:57.720 --> 0:13:59.360 He went off and they went to a turtle arm 0:13:59.520 --> 0:14:01.640 Coustoy for a month and we didn't speak to each 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:03.480 other for a month because he was committed to this thing. 0:14:03.520 --> 0:14:05.360 I went to London for a while for six months 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:07.679 to do a couple of plays, and his schedule would't 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:09.120 allow him to be there, but I was like, go 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:12.120 on your journey, trust that I'm here for you. It 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:15.040 doesn't fracture our relationship as anything. It allows us to 0:14:15.080 --> 0:14:18.520 grow in another way that allows to be independent in 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:20.880 some way. When we first met seventeen years ago, I've 0:14:20.920 --> 0:14:24.680 been through a couple other relationships and I was sort 0:14:24.720 --> 0:14:28.320 of exhausted with presenting the person that you want me 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:30.800 to be in a relationship and actually denying actually who 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:33.720 I was, and vice versa. I was like, no, so 0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:36.400 actually it became an interrogation when our first day, it 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:38.000 was like, what are you really about? Who are you? 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:39.840 What do you really like? What do you want? Grill 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:42.080 want to know who you really were? Don't be afraid 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:44.080 tell me exactly the things that you think are ugly 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:46.040 about yourself, that are beautiful and that you hope you 0:14:46.080 --> 0:14:48.360 could be better. Because if we're really dealing with each 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:50.440 other in that way, that's real love. I think I 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:53.320 think I'm experiencing real love with him because it does 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:56.800 mean we can truly be and exist and accept each 0:14:56.800 --> 0:14:58.880 other for who we are and also inspire each other 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:01.400 to be a little different. You know, do you think 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:04.440 that it's different like that what you just said, This 0:15:04.520 --> 0:15:06.680 is what real love is. This is what it is. 0:15:06.720 --> 0:15:08.680 I think I'm living it. Do you think it's very 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.040 different to the idea that you had growing up of 0:15:11.080 --> 0:15:14.520 what love was? Because I know my love is. I 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:16.560 can't believe it. I love this person that I am 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:19.240 with so much, but in this way that I never 0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:21.600 thought love would be this, but it is. I always 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.160 thought it was something else, and actually my previous thoughts 0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:27.960 were erroneous. It wasn't that. It is this. I agree 0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:30.280 many I agree because I think allowed times were taught 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:32.440 that with love you have to give up something. I 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:34.360 don't think it's about giving up. It's about like being 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:38.720 open to shift or grow. But I think it's like 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:42.280 I've always believed that love's available. That's something that I 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:45.160 know that some of my friends have not thought or believed, 0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:47.840 or they come into believing all my relationship will be 0:15:47.920 --> 0:15:50.280 these things, and they have these parameters that it must 0:15:50.280 --> 0:15:52.480 be this must look like this, and like you're creating 0:15:52.480 --> 0:15:55.360 something in your own mind that doesn't exist. Because when 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:58.400 you see that thing and you have that spark, you 0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:02.040 have to accept what is. And I think love is imperfect. 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:05.440 You've been, you grow, you cry, you hurt, you all 0:16:05.440 --> 0:16:08.000 that stuff. But I think if there's the underpinnings of 0:16:08.080 --> 0:16:10.880 saying I'm committed to wanting to do this and explore 0:16:11.200 --> 0:16:17.440 this with you and explore grace, explore kindness, openness. Someone 0:16:17.520 --> 0:16:20.680 told me this many years ago and never forgot it. 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:23.720 I asked this older couple what was the key to 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:26.320 their success and they said, and I think this woe 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:28.080 this woman. She says, you've got to be alone for 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:30.480 the ride to know that they're going to change and 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:32.800 it's going to have nothing to do with you. And 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:36.000 that's okay. I think that's we have to love people, right, 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.800 I mean, yeah, you have to love them with loose hands. 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:41.960 That's it. You can't be tight. I think for fear, 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:44.280 people always think that someone's gonna leave you. But I'm like, 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:45.960 if someone's gonna leave, they're gonna leave you. It doesn't 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:48.560 you can't hold tight to it. You just have to 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:51.880 invest and pour all the love and care that you 0:16:51.920 --> 0:16:54.840 can to it and trust it it will be for 0:16:55.240 --> 0:16:57.200 the time that it's supposed to be. You know, we 0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:59.840 hope things can be happily ever after. You know, we 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.680 been told fairy tale. Happily ever after? Is that the truth, 0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:07.159 that's the whole? I believe that's the wish. But you know, 0:17:07.200 --> 0:17:09.600 maybe happily ever after a few years or a cup 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:12.720 of coffee if you laughs, I don't know, or fifty years. 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:18.720 It's really true. And we're never really asked to investigate 0:17:19.040 --> 0:17:22.119 the fairy tale, whenever asked to kind of cross examine it. 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:23.879 I know I grew up with this idea that that 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:26.960 is what you do. You grow up, you fall in love, 0:17:27.680 --> 0:17:31.040 that person loves you back, and then you have a baby. 0:17:31.119 --> 0:17:33.720 And that is not how my life turned out at all. 0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:37.440 I grew up, did not fall in love, had a baby, 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:40.960 did fall in love, broke up with them, fell in 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.600 love with someone else, but all the time sort of 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:45.679 mining for the parameters of what that love is. And 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:48.280 it's so far away from the initial idea. And you're right. 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:51.000 You have to keep growing, you have to keep doing 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:54.040 the personal excavation and allow your partner to do that 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:57.000 as well. I think, yeah, because you don't even know 0:17:57.040 --> 0:17:59.439 what your family is supposed to look like exactly. I 0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:01.879 think we're set up. We're thinking what you said. You 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:04.480 set up thinking, oh, you fall in love, you have 0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:06.600 a child, it becomes this other thing. But no one 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:08.560 even knows that maybe you fall in love, you have 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:12.840 a child, you don't have that love, you have another relationship, 0:18:13.200 --> 0:18:15.280 that you become best friends with, the person you made 0:18:15.280 --> 0:18:17.159 that child with, or whatever. But maybe your family is 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:19.919 supposed to look like this whole other creation based on 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:22.800 the actual reality that people that are involved in it, 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:27.000 instead of some ideological thing the fairytale looming over all 0:18:27.000 --> 0:18:29.880 of us. You know. That's I'm so interested in how 0:18:29.960 --> 0:18:32.760 we how do we disseminate what other good ideas to 0:18:32.800 --> 0:18:34.720 hang onto, and what are the ones that we should 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:37.720 really go Nah, that's not going to serve me, because 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:40.719 you can only do it by living it, really, and 0:18:40.720 --> 0:18:43.000 then circumstance will slap you in the face and go, 0:18:43.200 --> 0:18:44.800 that was a really terrible idea to have hung on 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:48.640 too for so many years, and now here we are, Well, 0:18:48.640 --> 0:18:51.040 that's any good drama, right, isn't it? The human condition? 0:18:51.080 --> 0:18:53.520 I think it was Marty Knots and a great show runner. 0:18:53.840 --> 0:18:58.119 She said, A great story is a great protagonist that 0:18:58.320 --> 0:19:05.399 is and committed to a wrong idea of themselves. I 0:19:05.440 --> 0:19:08.200 love that in minutes about the film or the series 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:11.840 or something that's trying to challenge them to change. That 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:15.960 is really good. Well. I always attached to an idea 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:18.159 about ourselves that we have to smash and have to 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:20.119 let go of at some point, because you have to 0:19:20.119 --> 0:19:22.240 realize how long is it serving you? Is this really 0:19:22.280 --> 0:19:24.920 serving you? Are you happy? Are you getting what you want? 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:27.480 You're probably lucky if you get to smash it or 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.040 even have the impetus to do that, because a lot 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:33.240 of times I think people will use the quick fixes 0:19:33.359 --> 0:19:37.159 to stop feeling bad about that thing and all of 0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:40.960 the available stuff that we have in our world of consumption, 0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:45.520 various things from addictive to non addictive, but repetitive behaviors 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:48.679 becomes such a sort of immediate way of dealing with it, 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:53.119 rather than going question question the fundamental idea about why 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:55.119 you want to keep doing this thing and if it 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:57.440 serves you. I have a question for you. I think 0:19:57.640 --> 0:20:01.680 by like, say, let's say, by smashing these things many 0:20:01.720 --> 0:20:03.440 if you like, I don't know, how have you been 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:08.199 as a person when it comes to change, terrible terrible, 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:12.920 really terrible terrible. With change, I say to myself, if 0:20:12.960 --> 0:20:16.480 you change, change everything, I think it's a a fearlessness 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:19.199 with that. And somehow it served me because I think 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:21.639 I checked. All I have is my gut to trust that. 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:24.199 So what why has it been difficult for you? You 0:20:24.200 --> 0:20:27.800 know what? Because because I actually feel exactly how you do, 0:20:27.840 --> 0:20:30.479 which is if I have a gut feeling about something, 0:20:30.640 --> 0:20:32.800 I have to act on that, and that has often 0:20:32.840 --> 0:20:37.560 meant engendering change. But the change itself I loathe. It 0:20:37.640 --> 0:20:42.240 feels unstable and terrible and like like I have seasickness 0:20:42.400 --> 0:20:47.040 and it's awful, But I have this terrible volition to 0:20:47.160 --> 0:20:49.560 do it. And I think that's one of the things, 0:20:49.560 --> 0:20:51.440 like if I could wave a magic wand and change 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:55.439 something about myself, it would be to more readily embrace change, 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:58.840 to to love it. Nothing in life is stasis. Nothing, 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:01.280 Everything is cant a me moving and involved and said, 0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:04.920 get on board women, that could come on, man, get on, 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:09.639 That's exactly it. Come on. It's so true. I remember 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:11.600 when I moved from New York years ago and people 0:21:11.640 --> 0:21:14.119 were so like I had a rent stabilized department. I 0:21:14.160 --> 0:21:16.239 had a wonderful career in New York, and people felt like, 0:21:16.240 --> 0:21:17.760 why why do you want to leave New York? You 0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:20.880 got a rent stable and I was like, you know what, 0:21:21.200 --> 0:21:23.560 you got a job in an apartment, got a job 0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:26.880 an apartment, you're working on Broad what you're doing? Shut up? 0:21:27.560 --> 0:21:30.679 But I felt like New York, like I trusted that 0:21:30.760 --> 0:21:33.640