WEBVTT - Dr. Gabor Maté: Constantly Worrying What People Think of You? (THIS Simple Shift Will Help You Trust Yourself and Stop Seeking Approval) 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.520 At some point something has to happen for you that 0:00:03.720 --> 0:00:08.600 causes you to wonder who am I really? And everything 0:00:08.600 --> 0:00:13.040 that I manifest and speak and do is it designed 0:00:13.240 --> 0:00:17.520 to fit out the people's expectations or does it line 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:20.040 up with who I really am? 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:24.200 I truly am so excited to be here tonight at 0:00:24.239 --> 0:00:28.560 the Auphian Theater in Vancouver with a dear friend, someone 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:33.360 that I consider to be the utmost expert goat the 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:35.320 greatest of all time in it space, like there is 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:38.680 no one like doctor Gabel Matte. 0:00:39.400 --> 0:00:40.479 Could you say more about that? 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:48.600 We've been talking tonight about worrying about how we're perceived 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:52.120 by others, Yeah, and how that blocks. 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:56.840 Us from things in our life. Where does that come from? 0:00:56.880 --> 0:01:00.640 Why is it that we're so obsessed and addicted to 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:02.520 what people think about us? 0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:05.080 Well, it's a great topic, and I think in this 0:01:05.200 --> 0:01:11.520 culture it's a fundamental one. There's a wonderful Catholic monk 0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:16.560 and mystic called Thomas Merton who talked about how we 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:20.440 live in other people's minds. So when we're concerned about 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:22.200 what other people think of us, how they see us, 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:26.600 perceive us, judge us, love us, hate us, we're not 0:01:26.760 --> 0:01:31.080 living in ourselves. We're living in other people's minds. So 0:01:31.080 --> 0:01:33.319 where does that come from? One of the needs of 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:36.760 the human child. It's an essential need. Just as we 0:01:36.840 --> 0:01:39.679 have the need to be held physically, to be fed, 0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:42.120 to be nurtured, we also have the need to be 0:01:42.240 --> 0:01:45.440 seen because we get to see ourselves the way others 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:50.720 see us when the parents can't see the child in 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:55.920 the child's essence, in their child's well. The great psychiatrist 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:59.560 and co writer with oph of Bruce Perry has written 0:01:59.560 --> 0:02:03.200 a book called Born for Love, and we're essentially born 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:07.280 for love. It's a developmental need. And love isn't just 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:11.639 other people feel about us? Is do they see us? 0:02:13.320 --> 0:02:16.040 And if they can't see us for who we are, 0:02:16.160 --> 0:02:18.880 for who we are because of their own limitations, and 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.360 a lot of parents have troubled doing that, I certainly did, 0:02:22.400 --> 0:02:25.359 then the child wants to be seen in a positive 0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:29.520 way by the parent and then they'll change themselves, hide 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:34.160 parts of themselves as exaggerate other parts of themselves, basically 0:02:34.880 --> 0:02:37.480 create an image that they want the other person to 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:40.080 see because they can't see their vital person. So really 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:42.840 it comes from our earliest relationships, where we were not 0:02:42.960 --> 0:02:45.440 seen for who we are. Had we been seen for 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:49.120 who we are, we would just accept ourselves and not 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:51.000 be so concerned with other people see us. So it 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:54.680 goes back to our earliest days in homes where the 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:58.320 parents actually love the child. We're not blaming the parent here, 0:02:58.639 --> 0:03:02.480 We're saying that the parents' own limitations prevent them from 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:04.880 seeing their child for exactly who they are. Then the 0:03:05.000 --> 0:03:09.400 child will mold themselves into whoever the parents wants them 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:09.680 to be. 0:03:10.760 --> 0:03:14.840 Well, how do you see someone for who they are 0:03:15.680 --> 0:03:18.800 and not who you want them to be, who you 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:22.440 think they could be, or just the best parts of them, 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:25.120 Because what I'm hearing is that's what we end up doing, right. 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:31.000 Yeah, Well, well that's the key question. And somewhere I 0:03:31.040 --> 0:03:35.560 heard you say that people love you, but they may 0:03:35.600 --> 0:03:37.400 not love you the way you want them to love you. 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:45.200 And we actually have trouble loving people the way they 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:47.840 need to be loved. We think that love is the 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:51.560 feeling that we have for them, and that's certainly true, 0:03:52.320 --> 0:03:54.440 but it's much more than that. You can have all 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:59.200 kinds of loving feeling towards somebody but be limited by 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:03.880 your own traumas from seeing them for who they are. 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:06.760 And then and Also a lot of parents in this 0:04:06.920 --> 0:04:09.760 culture wants their kid to fit in with the culture. 0:04:10.960 --> 0:04:14.760 Now that means you have a preconceived idea of who 0:04:14.800 --> 0:04:17.800 the child should be, and then when you don't see 0:04:17.800 --> 0:04:19.400 the child as the way you want them to be, 0:04:19.640 --> 0:04:23.640 you're dissatisfied with them. Another child will behave in more 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:27.599 impetus to fit themselves into the parents' expectations. So it's 0:04:28.000 --> 0:04:32.200 it comes from this culture's incapacity to sue people who 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:33.120 they actually are. 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:38.200 Yeah, I mean, as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking 0:04:38.240 --> 0:04:40.240 about just the amount of. 0:04:41.839 --> 0:04:43.480 Moments there are in. 0:04:43.360 --> 0:04:52.480 Our lives where the person's trauma creates new challenges for us. Yeah, 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.880 that doesn't get healed, that then gets passed on. How 0:04:55.920 --> 0:04:57.839 do people in this room, how do we all make 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:02.960 sure that we are people where that cycle stops, that 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:06.760 we can break that cycle, that we can interrupt that pattern, 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:09.520 that we can be the people in our families, in 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:12.400 the lives of people who have children, even if you 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:15.120 don't choose to, how do you become the person that 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:17.599 changes that trajectory for your family? 0:05:19.000 --> 0:05:22.400 At some point, something has to happen for you that 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:27.479 causes you to wonder who am I really and everything 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:31.919 that I manifest and speak and do, is it designed 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:36.600 to fit other people's expectations or does it line up 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:39.720 with who I really am? And people get to that 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:42.400 point and that's what they call them midlife crisis actually, 0:05:43.680 --> 0:05:47.160 and all of a sudden you start wanting whose life 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:49.880 am I leading? Anyway? I certainly went through that's still 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.840 going through it. Eighty one years old and still going 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:55.280 through a midlife crisis. You know. 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:58.520 See, you're not too old at yet. Twenty six is 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:01.560 all right, you don't testify it. You didn't just flying 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:01.960 that too. 0:06:02.839 --> 0:06:05.279 So but what I'm saying, Jay, is there has to 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:07.719 be a questioning there. At some point you have to 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:14.560 recognize that it's not working the way that feels good 0:06:14.920 --> 0:06:16.600 in the heart or in the God. So there has 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:19.760 to be that recognition. Then there's to be a curiosity. 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:25.080 Now you're asking about future generations. But the way we 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:31.839 gift future generations is actually working on ourselves, not by 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:36.160 trying to be better parents, but by actually dealing with 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:39.840 our own stuff. That's the way we avoid as best 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:41.960 we can, passing it on to the next generation. 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:51.560 I think one of the ways the inner critique and 0:06:51.640 --> 0:06:56.760 that inner voice keeps us imprisoned. Is that it makes 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:01.520 us believe we're only valuable when we're busy. Yeah, we're 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:03.560 only valuable if this. 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:09.640 Wait a minute. The guy who just starts a thirteen 0:07:09.720 --> 0:07:11.720 city two in two weeks just asked. 0:07:11.520 --> 0:07:15.440 Me, you can't expose me on my own sh. 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:21.520 Look, I just believe in my wife's in the audience, 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:26.040 and she once said to me, buddy, you've written a 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:28.920 book called When the Body There's No may better waite 0:07:28.960 --> 0:07:34.120 one called when the Wife Says No, precisely for the 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:34.760 same reason. 0:07:36.720 --> 0:07:39.680 That's so good. That's so good. We didn't answer my question. 0:07:40.080 --> 0:07:42.840 Sorry, Sorry missed what you said. 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:46.160 No, I was saying, yeah, I mean me included. We 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:50.560 definitely have that belief that I am valuable if I 0:07:50.720 --> 0:07:53.600 fill in the blank. It could be I'm only valuable 0:07:53.600 --> 0:07:57.560 if I'm busy. I'm only valuable if this person says 0:07:57.600 --> 0:08:00.120 I am. I'm only valuable if I get promoted. I'm 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:00.960 only valuable. 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:04.040 I know. And we do have this idea that we're 0:08:04.080 --> 0:08:07.560 only as valuable as how we appear or what we do, 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:10.320 but not for who we are. And again goes back 0:08:10.360 --> 0:08:14.040 to very early days, and I've often talked about something 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:18.160 my friend, the Great trauma psychologist pioneer Peter Levine said 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:20.840 to me a couple of years ago, and Peter is, 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:22.480 I think a year or two older than I am. 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:25.360 He's done an amazing work in the world. One of 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:29.880 my mentors, and Peter said, if I ask myself, have 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:34.120 I done enough? The answer is very much yes. But 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:38.200 if I ask myself the question am I enough? I 0:08:38.240 --> 0:08:42.480 still don't know the answer. You know, And in this society, 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:46.400 every very much program to identify our value with what 0:08:46.480 --> 0:08:49.040 we do. And it's very interesting when I talk to 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:51.280 people about it, because people tell me I'm only as 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:53.800 valuable as as what I do, And then ask them 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:58.840 this question, do you value me talk about myself as 0:08:58.840 --> 0:09:02.440 a human being? And they say, yeah, of course. I say, okay, 0:09:02.720 --> 0:09:07.400 what if God forbid tomorrow I'd have a stroke and 0:09:07.480 --> 0:09:11.320 I couldn't speak, and I couldn't move, and I couldn't 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:15.400 give anything to anybody, would you say to me, then, gobble, 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:19.120 you're worthless? And they said, of course not. I said, 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:21.840 then why are you saying it to yourself? Why are 0:09:21.840 --> 0:09:24.560 you singing to yourself that you're only as valable as 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:28.640 what you do? So that there's this in a concept 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.280 that I'm only as valable as what I do or 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:35.200 how I show up. There's a tremendous lack of self compassion. 0:09:36.880 --> 0:09:44.480 Wow, that's yeah, yeah, please give it up. That's I've 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:45.640 never thought about it like that. 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:50.360 And the distinction you just made between those two questions, 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:51.839 have I done enough? 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:57.360 Am I enough? How do we learn to. 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:03.200 Give a positive, genuinely true answer to the second one? 0:10:03.360 --> 0:10:06.240 How do we rewire when the whole world is telling 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:09.080 us like, what you do is who you are, your title, 0:10:09.200 --> 0:10:12.880 your followers, your Instagram bio, your right the whole world 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:15.000 is telling us that, how do you kind of even 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:18.840 begin to re maneuver how the mind is being programmed? 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:23.920 Yeah, well it's I can't say that I've fully worked 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:26.880 it out. But two things come to mind when I 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:30.719 hear your question. One is, would you say to a 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:34.360 one day old baby who can't do a thing? Would 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:36.880 you ever say to them or believe about them, You're 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:40.720 not enough? And of course you wouldn't. Then why are 0:10:40.760 --> 0:10:45.000 you saying it to yourself? Okay, So that's the first answer, 0:10:45.760 --> 0:10:51.400 And then the second answer is who's even asking? Who 0:10:51.679 --> 0:10:51.839 you know? 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:05.000 Gabo? 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:07.679 On the flip side of feeling like we only have 0:11:07.800 --> 0:11:10.760 value because we work hard. A lot of us are 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:15.040 guilty or feel guilty for resting. If you look at 0:11:15.040 --> 0:11:18.400 the studies in the United States, Yeah, high percentages of 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:22.600 people don't use their annual leave, and the annual vacation 0:11:22.720 --> 0:11:26.360 in the US is far less. I'm hoping in Canada 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.320 people use their annual leave, yeah. 0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:30.000 Area. 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:34.480 And in the UK we definitely use our annual leave. 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:39.240 But there's that sense that we all still feel a 0:11:39.320 --> 0:11:43.160 slight guilt for resting. We feel a guilt for taking 0:11:43.200 --> 0:11:43.640 a break. 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:46.839 I can totally relate when I was busy and we're 0:11:46.920 --> 0:11:50.160 call like filmly doctor literally and you know, I just 0:11:50.240 --> 0:11:54.160 delivered babies and look after pregnant women. I'd feel terrible 0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:57.160 at going on holiday with my family because somebody might 0:11:57.559 --> 0:11:59.959 give birth without me. You know. It's like you imagine 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:04.360 somebody in the world is born without me. How's that? Yeah? 0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:10.400 How's that? How did humanity survive all those many of years? 0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:14.360 You know? But that voice, I mean that says I'm 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:16.080 committed to that patient. I have to be there, and 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.800 in the sense of guilt that I'm actually looking after myself. 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:23.320 That comes from that same belief that we're not enough 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:29.920 unless we're doing something that that lack of valuation of 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:31.439 ourselves just for being. 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:37.080 Yeah that I mean that resonates so strongly and so 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:39.800 many of us are constantly challenged by it. Walk us 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:45.000 through what's actually happening to the brain when we stress 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:49.960 ourselves physically or get close to burnout. What's actually happening 0:12:50.000 --> 0:12:52.840 to us that we don't see the invisible effects. We 0:12:52.960 --> 0:12:56.600 know that we get tired, we get exhausted, but what's 0:12:56.600 --> 0:12:59.600 actually happening inside that we often miss well. 0:12:59.880 --> 0:13:04.080 So stress, by the way, we Canadians can be proud 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.680 of the word stress because actually was coined right here 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:09.920 in Canada in the way that we use it today. 0:13:11.040 --> 0:13:12.640 I don't know that, Yeah, I know a lot of 0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:15.960 people don't They was coined by another fellow Hungarian of 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:21.480 mine called Iyano Shohan sally se l Ye, who was 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:25.400 a physician and researcher who came to Canada in the 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:29.679 early twentieth century just after the First World War, and 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:33.200 he did his research on stress at University the Moreal 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:35.640 in Montreal, and he's the one that showed in the 0:13:35.720 --> 0:13:41.320 laboratory the impact of stress on diminishing the immune system 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:45.280 overgrowing the adrenal gland, which is a stress gland and 0:13:45.480 --> 0:13:49.400 ulcirating the intestines. And he's the one that stress. The 0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:52.360 word stress wasn't new, but the way he used it 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:57.120 was new. He's the one who established it internationally. And 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.280 the thing about stress is it's an essential response the 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:05.320 life challenges. If you're confronting a threat, you'd better have 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:09.760 a stress response, which means you'll have activation of your 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:13.080 nervous system in a good way and makes you more alert. 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:15.760 You'll have more adrenaline to give you more energy and 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:18.480 strength to fight back, more cortasol that gives you more 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:21.680 blood sugar to have energy for the challenge you had. 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:26.520 In the long term, that's a positive and necessary physiological 0:14:26.560 --> 0:14:31.520 response of all animals. In the long term, those same 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:35.400 stress hormones. And this is something that my profession and 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:39.120 medical profession I only which would understand and practice more 0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:42.720 is that in the long term, those same stress hormones 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:46.840 give you high blood pressure, constrict your bloodless, high risk 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:50.720 of strokes and heart disease, thin your bones. You get 0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:54.960 the molt osteoporosis, suppress the immune system or can even 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:57.040 turn it against you, so you get an autoimmune disease, 0:14:57.560 --> 0:15:00.480 make you depressed, put fat on your belt so that 0:15:00.520 --> 0:15:03.560 you're more a risk of heart disease, turn on genes 0:15:03.840 --> 0:15:07.440 that can cause cancer, turns off genes that can protect 0:15:07.480 --> 0:15:11.520 you against cancer, and cause inflammation in nobody. So this 0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:15.400 is what we all bring on ourselves, and people don't 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:19.400 realize how because they've taken on these driven values of 0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:23.200 this culture, they're actually literally makes in themselves sick. And 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:26.880 sometimes it takes an illness to wake people up. And 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.920 I don't recommend that way you're waking up, but my god, 0:15:30.480 --> 0:15:34.040 it works that way very often. One of the Greek playwrights, 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:39.520 Eschylus wrote in a play called Agamemnon, written twenty four 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:42.600 hundred years ago, and he said that the way that 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:46.120 the gods created us human beings, that we have to 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:50.560 suffer into truth. You have to have pain wake us 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:55.000 up to reality. And unfortunately, too often it's the stresses 0:15:55.080 --> 0:15:59.920 that we impose on ourselves that then create pain, illness, dysfunction, 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:03.640 and that then wake us up that maybe the way 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:06.920 I'm living isn't the way I'm meant to live. But 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:10.600 I hate I hate, I don't hate it. I regret 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:13.120 that that's how people have to wake up, but it 0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:16.480 often is certainly I have to be dragged, kicking and 0:16:16.520 --> 0:16:37.000 screaming to the truth. I don't grab it here there automatically. 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:41.760 If someone's sitting there right now and wondering gabble, I 0:16:41.840 --> 0:16:46.120 notice stress early. I can see it's getting worse. What 0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:48.320 do I do? Where do I start? What should I 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:49.480 be thinking about doing? 0:16:49.640 --> 0:16:52.640 Changing? Shifting? If I want to walk out of here tonight, 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:53.280 and I want. 0:16:53.080 --> 0:16:55.800 To really prioritize this because I don't want to end 0:16:55.880 --> 0:16:59.560 up with that long laundry list of pains in my life? 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:01.400 What should I do? What would you say? 0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:14.320 Well, read my books? But well, I actually, actually I 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:16.359 did mention the book I wrote called When the Body 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:18.320 Says No, which is the whole point is that when 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:20.000 you don't say no, the body will say it for 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:22.440 you in a form of illness. In my most recent 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:26.399 book that we've discussed before, the myth Normal, there's actually 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.879 a whole chapter on this. And when I say this, 0:17:29.880 --> 0:17:34.160 this simple question to the inquiry that you just made 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:37.000 for that person, I would say, we're in your life. 0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:39.760 Are you're not saying no? And by that I mean 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:43.600 it's a nod that wants to be sad, but you're 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:47.320 not saying it. Because you're afraid of how the world 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:51.400 will perceive you. You're afraid that people will not like you, 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.120 You're afraid that people might be disappointed in you. Where 0:17:54.160 --> 0:17:57.280 is there no that your organism wants to say but 0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:00.960 you're not saying it? Start with that, where this week 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:02.960 did I'm not saying no? Where today that I'm not 0:18:03.000 --> 0:18:07.119 saying no? And that usually happens in two arenas of life, 0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:10.960 in personal relationships, it happens all the time in personal 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:16.640 relationships and then work where there's a no that wants 0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:19.320 to be said but you're not saying it. Again to 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:22.280 you that to know that you're not saying is going 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:25.000 to be a source of stress for you. So that's 0:18:25.080 --> 0:18:28.640 the first question. Other questions follow, but that's the first one, 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:30.040 Where am I not saying no? 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:34.080 That's a great first question. Yeah, everyone resonated with that. 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:36.639 That idea of where am I not saying no? That 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:40.800 resonates so strongly with me because I think you're spot on. 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:42.600 We all we were talking about that in the first half. 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:45.919 We're talking about that inner voice that if you just 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:48.159 sit and listen to it, But we're moving so fast, 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:51.600 we're so busy, that that no can be really quiet, 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.639 and it's like this little whisper that's barely getting. 0:18:54.400 --> 0:18:57.240 Well, that's small still voice that the Bible talks about. 0:18:57.280 --> 0:18:57.440 Right. 0:18:57.480 --> 0:19:00.920 And there's a related question as well, which comes later 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:04.440 in the same exercise. You might say, which is where 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:07.119 am I not saying yes? There were times in my 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:11.040 life where I had certain creative verges or desires, but 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:14.080 I was too busy not saying no that there was 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:16.040 no space for me to say yes to what I 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:19.120 wanted to say yes to. So those two questions where 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:24.240 am I not saying no? Excuse me, I just came 0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:26.600 back from a twelve these speaking trips, so my voice 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:31.560 is saying no. You know, yeah, I like to see 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:37.159 you at the end of this trip. But those two questions, 0:19:37.840 --> 0:19:42.240 those two little words yes and no, they're crucial in 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:46.160 people's lives. They're small little words in every language. They're 0:19:46.280 --> 0:19:52.400 very short little words. You know German, nine, Hungarian, nom, 0:19:52.920 --> 0:19:57.240 Russian yet you know French No, really short little words, 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:01.560 but they're just decisive in people lives. And it's very 0:20:01.560 --> 0:20:05.080 interesting those of you that have been parents, what is 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:06.920 the word that your kids start saying it? One and 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:14.439 a half no, put your shoes on. No, And you 0:20:14.520 --> 0:20:18.600 think as a matter of fact, I had a friend 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:20.760 I've told this story before. I had a friend called 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:23.560 Harold who had all called Ben, and we were medical 0:20:23.600 --> 0:20:27.000 residents at the same time. This is decades ago, it's 0:20:27.119 --> 0:20:32.879 like forty seven years ago. And Harold the father sister 0:20:33.000 --> 0:20:35.359 his son Ben, who is two years old. Ben, do 0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:37.159 you want an apple? And Ben said no, I want 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:43.840 an apple. And what that's about is the is nature 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:47.959 putting a barrier for the child behind which he can 0:20:48.000 --> 0:20:52.120 develop his own self. And before your yeses meaning anything, 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:55.359 you have to be able to say no. And in 0:20:55.359 --> 0:20:59.800 this society we call that inner stupidity. We call that 0:20:59.800 --> 0:21:06.720 that terrible toos when it's perfectly natural. So we start 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:10.240 with that word and then we stifle the inm people 0:21:10.640 --> 0:21:12.359 and at age forty five, they don't know how to 0:21:12.400 --> 0:21:12.720 say no. 0:21:14.200 --> 0:21:17.040 It's so interesting because I feel like our mind convinces us, 0:21:17.080 --> 0:21:18.480 I don't know if you're like this as well. 0:21:18.840 --> 0:21:23.159 Our mind convinces us that I can't say no, yeah. 0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:25.040 Like, oh my god, I just couldn't, Like if I gabble, 0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:27.680 if I started doing that, my life would just fall apart. 0:21:27.680 --> 0:21:29.719 I can't do it, like it's not possible. And our 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:31.560 mind says, oh no, and I can't say yes to 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:35.400 this because so we almost kind of fool ourselves. 0:21:35.600 --> 0:21:40.760 Well, we do. And the Buddha said twenty five hundred 0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:44.240 years ago in so many almost, in so many words, 0:21:44.240 --> 0:21:47.720 that with our mind, as you create the world. Now, 0:21:47.760 --> 0:21:50.640 if you've if your mind lives in the world where 0:21:50.640 --> 0:21:53.840 you're saying no threatens you, then you're not going to 0:21:53.920 --> 0:21:58.240 say no no. What the Buddha didn't say is that, 0:21:58.680 --> 0:22:02.360 which is more modern psychology, is that before they our 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:06.359 minds create the world, the world creates our minds. So 0:22:07.080 --> 0:22:09.000 if you grew up in a family where you know 0:22:09.240 --> 0:22:14.200 wasn't respected, where it was seen as a sign of disrespect, 0:22:14.280 --> 0:22:20.840 disobedience something to be suppressed or punished, and your acceptance 0:22:20.920 --> 0:22:25.919 dependent on your acquiescence, then you will forget how to 0:22:25.960 --> 0:22:30.720 say no in order to protect yourself. So it starts 0:22:30.760 --> 0:22:34.000 off as an adaptation. Sometimes when I give my lectures, 0:22:34.520 --> 0:22:37.520 I play a song by Elvis Presley. Did you see 0:22:37.520 --> 0:22:40.600 that wonderful documentary by Pressley about Presley called The Return 0:22:40.640 --> 0:22:41.080 of the King? 0:22:41.359 --> 0:22:43.120 I haven't seen that one, but okay. 0:22:42.800 --> 0:22:46.959 It's wonderful. He goes through this phase where he sings 0:22:47.040 --> 0:22:50.800 terrible songs where he gives upon his incredible charismatic energy 0:22:50.800 --> 0:22:54.000 and talent and just becomes a puppet in the hands 0:22:54.000 --> 0:23:00.560 of his manager. And then he does this comeback circuit 0:23:00.880 --> 0:23:04.399 and he shows up on stage dressed like a god 0:23:05.720 --> 0:23:09.240 in leather clothing, just the most beautiful man on earth, 0:23:09.680 --> 0:23:15.800 and he sings his raw, raucous, rebald, wonderful rock and 0:23:15.920 --> 0:23:19.880 roll and he is fully himself. But then he gave 0:23:19.920 --> 0:23:23.680 that up and he sings this song called any Way 0:23:23.720 --> 0:23:26.720 You want Me, That's the way I'll be. I'll be 0:23:26.840 --> 0:23:29.280 strong as a mountain or weak as a willow tree. 0:23:29.320 --> 0:23:31.960 I'll be anything that you want me to be. And 0:23:31.960 --> 0:23:34.600 that's how he ended up living his life. He ended 0:23:34.680 --> 0:23:40.600 up dying very young in very tragic circumstances. He's somebody 0:23:40.680 --> 0:23:46.359 who's raw genius was of world significance, and his energy 0:23:46.400 --> 0:23:51.440 was unbelievable and he gave it all up. Yeah, it's uh, 0:23:51.480 --> 0:23:52.639 and he paid a heavy price. 0:23:52.880 --> 0:23:56.479 Yeah, those stories and when we have hindsight, can be 0:23:56.480 --> 0:23:59.440 so powerful for us. Yeah, even if we're not living 0:23:59.480 --> 0:24:01.760 that life, whatever it may be, they're so powerful for 0:24:01.840 --> 0:24:05.199 us to look back on and tonight, I wanted to 0:24:05.240 --> 0:24:07.960 make this an extremely special experience because I want you 0:24:08.000 --> 0:24:10.960 to know just how deeply grateful I am that you're 0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:15.320 here today. And I've asked doctor Gabo as my first 0:24:15.359 --> 0:24:20.680 guest if he was comfortable leading and guiding an individual 0:24:20.720 --> 0:24:24.960 who wanted to go through his compassionate inquiry personally in 0:24:25.080 --> 0:24:28.160 this seat up here tonight. And so if there's anyone 0:24:28.200 --> 0:24:31.680 who's going through something, feels like they've been held back, 0:24:31.800 --> 0:24:35.280 feel like they've been challenged, who wants to before we 0:24:35.320 --> 0:24:38.679 take questions, would like to go through a process in 0:24:38.680 --> 0:24:41.159 front of the audience, he'd happily walk you through. So 0:24:41.840 --> 0:24:43.640 if you want to, just raise your hands and I'll 0:24:43.640 --> 0:24:44.440 have a look around. 0:24:44.960 --> 0:24:47.080