1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,520 Speaker 1: At some point something has to happen for you that 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:08,600 Speaker 1: causes you to wonder who am I really? And everything 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:13,040 Speaker 1: that I manifest and speak and do is it designed 4 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:17,520 Speaker 1: to fit out the people's expectations or does it line 5 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,040 Speaker 1: up with who I really am? 6 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:24,200 Speaker 2: I truly am so excited to be here tonight at 7 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:28,560 Speaker 2: the Auphian Theater in Vancouver with a dear friend, someone 8 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 2: that I consider to be the utmost expert goat the 9 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 2: greatest of all time in it space, like there is 10 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 2: no one like doctor Gabel Matte. 11 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,479 Speaker 1: Could you say more about that? 12 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 2: We've been talking tonight about worrying about how we're perceived 13 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:52,120 Speaker 2: by others, Yeah, and how that blocks. 14 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 3: Us from things in our life. Where does that come from? 15 00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 2: Why is it that we're so obsessed and addicted to 16 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 2: what people think about us? 17 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 1: Well, it's a great topic, and I think in this 18 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: culture it's a fundamental one. There's a wonderful Catholic monk 19 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 1: and mystic called Thomas Merton who talked about how we 20 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: live in other people's minds. So when we're concerned about 21 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 1: what other people think of us, how they see us, 22 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 1: perceive us, judge us, love us, hate us, we're not 23 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: living in ourselves. We're living in other people's minds. So 24 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 1: where does that come from? One of the needs of 25 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 1: the human child. It's an essential need. Just as we 26 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,679 Speaker 1: have the need to be held physically, to be fed, 27 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:42,120 Speaker 1: to be nurtured, we also have the need to be 28 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 1: seen because we get to see ourselves the way others 29 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:50,720 Speaker 1: see us when the parents can't see the child in 30 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: the child's essence, in their child's well. The great psychiatrist 31 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 1: and co writer with oph of Bruce Perry has written 32 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: a book called Born for Love, and we're essentially born 33 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: for love. It's a developmental need. And love isn't just 34 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 1: other people feel about us? Is do they see us? 35 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: And if they can't see us for who we are, 36 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: for who we are because of their own limitations, and 37 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:21,360 Speaker 1: a lot of parents have troubled doing that, I certainly did, 38 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,359 Speaker 1: then the child wants to be seen in a positive 39 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:29,520 Speaker 1: way by the parent and then they'll change themselves, hide 40 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: parts of themselves as exaggerate other parts of themselves, basically 41 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,480 Speaker 1: create an image that they want the other person to 42 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,080 Speaker 1: see because they can't see their vital person. So really 43 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,840 Speaker 1: it comes from our earliest relationships, where we were not 44 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 1: seen for who we are. Had we been seen for 45 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,120 Speaker 1: who we are, we would just accept ourselves and not 46 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 1: be so concerned with other people see us. So it 47 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: goes back to our earliest days in homes where the 48 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 1: parents actually love the child. We're not blaming the parent here, 49 00:02:58,639 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 1: We're saying that the parents' own limitations prevent them from 50 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: seeing their child for exactly who they are. Then the 51 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: child will mold themselves into whoever the parents wants them 52 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: to be. 53 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 2: Well, how do you see someone for who they are 54 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,800 Speaker 2: and not who you want them to be, who you 55 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 2: think they could be, or just the best parts of them, 56 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 2: Because what I'm hearing is that's what we end up doing, right. 57 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, well that's the key question. And somewhere I 58 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: heard you say that people love you, but they may 59 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: not love you the way you want them to love you. 60 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: And we actually have trouble loving people the way they 61 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,840 Speaker 1: need to be loved. We think that love is the 62 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,560 Speaker 1: feeling that we have for them, and that's certainly true, 63 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: but it's much more than that. You can have all 64 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: kinds of loving feeling towards somebody but be limited by 65 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: your own traumas from seeing them for who they are. 66 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: And then and Also a lot of parents in this 67 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 1: culture wants their kid to fit in with the culture. 68 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 1: Now that means you have a preconceived idea of who 69 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 1: the child should be, and then when you don't see 70 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,400 Speaker 1: the child as the way you want them to be, 71 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:23,640 Speaker 1: you're dissatisfied with them. Another child will behave in more 72 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 1: impetus to fit themselves into the parents' expectations. So it's 73 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: it comes from this culture's incapacity to sue people who 74 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 1: they actually are. 75 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, as I'm listening to you, I'm thinking 76 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 2: about just the amount of. 77 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:43,480 Speaker 3: Moments there are in. 78 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:52,480 Speaker 2: Our lives where the person's trauma creates new challenges for us. Yeah, 79 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,880 Speaker 2: that doesn't get healed, that then gets passed on. How 80 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,839 Speaker 2: do people in this room, how do we all make 81 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 2: sure that we are people where that cycle stops, that 82 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 2: we can break that cycle, that we can interrupt that pattern, 83 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 2: that we can be the people in our families, in 84 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 2: the lives of people who have children, even if you 85 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:15,120 Speaker 2: don't choose to, how do you become the person that 86 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 2: changes that trajectory for your family? 87 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 1: At some point, something has to happen for you that 88 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:27,479 Speaker 1: causes you to wonder who am I really and everything 89 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 1: that I manifest and speak and do, is it designed 90 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:36,600 Speaker 1: to fit other people's expectations or does it line up 91 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,720 Speaker 1: with who I really am? And people get to that 92 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,400 Speaker 1: point and that's what they call them midlife crisis actually, 93 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,160 Speaker 1: and all of a sudden you start wanting whose life 94 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: am I leading? Anyway? I certainly went through that's still 95 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,840 Speaker 1: going through it. Eighty one years old and still going 96 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,280 Speaker 1: through a midlife crisis. You know. 97 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 3: See, you're not too old at yet. Twenty six is 98 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 3: all right, you don't testify it. You didn't just flying 99 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 3: that too. 100 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 1: So but what I'm saying, Jay, is there has to 101 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,719 Speaker 1: be a questioning there. At some point you have to 102 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:14,560 Speaker 1: recognize that it's not working the way that feels good 103 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,600 Speaker 1: in the heart or in the God. So there has 104 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 1: to be that recognition. Then there's to be a curiosity. 105 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:25,080 Speaker 1: Now you're asking about future generations. But the way we 106 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: gift future generations is actually working on ourselves, not by 107 00:06:31,839 --> 00:06:36,160 Speaker 1: trying to be better parents, but by actually dealing with 108 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,840 Speaker 1: our own stuff. That's the way we avoid as best 109 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: we can, passing it on to the next generation. 110 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 2: I think one of the ways the inner critique and 111 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 2: that inner voice keeps us imprisoned. Is that it makes 112 00:06:56,839 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 2: us believe we're only valuable when we're busy. Yeah, we're 113 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,560 Speaker 2: only valuable if this. 114 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 1: Wait a minute. The guy who just starts a thirteen 115 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,720 Speaker 1: city two in two weeks just asked. 116 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:15,440 Speaker 3: Me, you can't expose me on my own sh. 117 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: Look, I just believe in my wife's in the audience, 118 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: and she once said to me, buddy, you've written a 119 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: book called When the Body There's No may better waite 120 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 1: one called when the Wife Says No, precisely for the 121 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: same reason. 122 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 3: That's so good. That's so good. We didn't answer my question. 123 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 1: Sorry, Sorry missed what you said. 124 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 2: No, I was saying, yeah, I mean me included. We 125 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 2: definitely have that belief that I am valuable if I 126 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: fill in the blank. It could be I'm only valuable 127 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 2: if I'm busy. I'm only valuable if this person says 128 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 2: I am. I'm only valuable if I get promoted. I'm 129 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: only valuable. 130 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 1: I know. And we do have this idea that we're 131 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: only as valuable as how we appear or what we do, 132 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: but not for who we are. And again goes back 133 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:14,040 Speaker 1: to very early days, and I've often talked about something 134 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 1: my friend, the Great trauma psychologist pioneer Peter Levine said 135 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,840 Speaker 1: to me a couple of years ago, and Peter is, 136 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: I think a year or two older than I am. 137 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 1: He's done an amazing work in the world. One of 138 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 1: my mentors, and Peter said, if I ask myself, have 139 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: I done enough? The answer is very much yes. But 140 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,200 Speaker 1: if I ask myself the question am I enough? I 141 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:42,480 Speaker 1: still don't know the answer. You know, And in this society, 142 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: every very much program to identify our value with what 143 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: we do. And it's very interesting when I talk to 144 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: people about it, because people tell me I'm only as 145 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: valuable as as what I do, And then ask them 146 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 1: this question, do you value me talk about myself as 147 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,440 Speaker 1: a human being? And they say, yeah, of course. I say, okay, 148 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: what if God forbid tomorrow I'd have a stroke and 149 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,320 Speaker 1: I couldn't speak, and I couldn't move, and I couldn't 150 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 1: give anything to anybody, would you say to me, then, gobble, 151 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: you're worthless? And they said, of course not. I said, 152 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,840 Speaker 1: then why are you saying it to yourself? Why are 153 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,560 Speaker 1: you singing to yourself that you're only as valable as 154 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: what you do? So that there's this in a concept 155 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 1: that I'm only as valable as what I do or 156 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: how I show up. There's a tremendous lack of self compassion. 157 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:44,480 Speaker 3: Wow, that's yeah, yeah, please give it up. That's I've 158 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 3: never thought about it like that. 159 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 2: And the distinction you just made between those two questions, 160 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:51,839 Speaker 2: have I done enough? 161 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 3: Am I enough? How do we learn to. 162 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:03,200 Speaker 2: Give a positive, genuinely true answer to the second one? 163 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 2: How do we rewire when the whole world is telling 164 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,080 Speaker 2: us like, what you do is who you are, your title, 165 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 2: your followers, your Instagram bio, your right the whole world 166 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 2: is telling us that, how do you kind of even 167 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 2: begin to re maneuver how the mind is being programmed? 168 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:23,920 Speaker 1: Yeah, well it's I can't say that I've fully worked 169 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,880 Speaker 1: it out. But two things come to mind when I 170 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:30,719 Speaker 1: hear your question. One is, would you say to a 171 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: one day old baby who can't do a thing? Would 172 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,880 Speaker 1: you ever say to them or believe about them, You're 173 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:40,720 Speaker 1: not enough? And of course you wouldn't. Then why are 174 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 1: you saying it to yourself? Okay, So that's the first answer, 175 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 1: And then the second answer is who's even asking? Who 176 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:51,839 Speaker 1: you know? 177 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 3: Gabo? 178 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,679 Speaker 2: On the flip side of feeling like we only have 179 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 2: value because we work hard. A lot of us are 180 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 2: guilty or feel guilty for resting. If you look at 181 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 2: the studies in the United States, Yeah, high percentages of 182 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 2: people don't use their annual leave, and the annual vacation 183 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:26,360 Speaker 2: in the US is far less. I'm hoping in Canada 184 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,320 Speaker 2: people use their annual leave, yeah. 185 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,000 Speaker 3: Area. 186 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 2: And in the UK we definitely use our annual leave. 187 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 2: But there's that sense that we all still feel a 188 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 2: slight guilt for resting. We feel a guilt for taking 189 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 2: a break. 190 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,839 Speaker 1: I can totally relate when I was busy and we're 191 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: call like filmly doctor literally and you know, I just 192 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 1: delivered babies and look after pregnant women. I'd feel terrible 193 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,160 Speaker 1: at going on holiday with my family because somebody might 194 00:11:57,559 --> 00:11:59,959 Speaker 1: give birth without me. You know. It's like you imagine 195 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,360 Speaker 1: somebody in the world is born without me. How's that? Yeah? 196 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,400 Speaker 1: How's that? How did humanity survive all those many of years? 197 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: You know? But that voice, I mean that says I'm 198 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,080 Speaker 1: committed to that patient. I have to be there, and 199 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 1: in the sense of guilt that I'm actually looking after myself. 200 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,320 Speaker 1: That comes from that same belief that we're not enough 201 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: unless we're doing something that that lack of valuation of 202 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,439 Speaker 1: ourselves just for being. 203 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:37,080 Speaker 2: Yeah that I mean that resonates so strongly and so 204 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 2: many of us are constantly challenged by it. Walk us 205 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 2: through what's actually happening to the brain when we stress 206 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:49,960 Speaker 2: ourselves physically or get close to burnout. What's actually happening 207 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 2: to us that we don't see the invisible effects. We 208 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 2: know that we get tired, we get exhausted, but what's 209 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,600 Speaker 2: actually happening inside that we often miss well. 210 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 1: So stress, by the way, we Canadians can be proud 211 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,680 Speaker 1: of the word stress because actually was coined right here 212 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 1: in Canada in the way that we use it today. 213 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: I don't know that, Yeah, I know a lot of 214 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 1: people don't They was coined by another fellow Hungarian of 215 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 1: mine called Iyano Shohan sally se l Ye, who was 216 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,400 Speaker 1: a physician and researcher who came to Canada in the 217 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,679 Speaker 1: early twentieth century just after the First World War, and 218 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,200 Speaker 1: he did his research on stress at University the Moreal 219 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 1: in Montreal, and he's the one that showed in the 220 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 1: laboratory the impact of stress on diminishing the immune system 221 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: overgrowing the adrenal gland, which is a stress gland and 222 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:49,400 Speaker 1: ulcirating the intestines. And he's the one that stress. The 223 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,360 Speaker 1: word stress wasn't new, but the way he used it 224 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: was new. He's the one who established it internationally. And 225 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 1: the thing about stress is it's an essential response the 226 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:05,320 Speaker 1: life challenges. If you're confronting a threat, you'd better have 227 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 1: a stress response, which means you'll have activation of your 228 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,080 Speaker 1: nervous system in a good way and makes you more alert. 229 00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 1: You'll have more adrenaline to give you more energy and 230 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:18,480 Speaker 1: strength to fight back, more cortasol that gives you more 231 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 1: blood sugar to have energy for the challenge you had. 232 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 1: In the long term, that's a positive and necessary physiological 233 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:31,520 Speaker 1: response of all animals. In the long term, those same 234 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: stress hormones. And this is something that my profession and 235 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: medical profession I only which would understand and practice more 236 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,720 Speaker 1: is that in the long term, those same stress hormones 237 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 1: give you high blood pressure, constrict your bloodless, high risk 238 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:50,720 Speaker 1: of strokes and heart disease, thin your bones. You get 239 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: the molt osteoporosis, suppress the immune system or can even 240 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,040 Speaker 1: turn it against you, so you get an autoimmune disease, 241 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 1: make you depressed, put fat on your belt so that 242 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 1: you're more a risk of heart disease, turn on genes 243 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: that can cause cancer, turns off genes that can protect 244 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 1: you against cancer, and cause inflammation in nobody. So this 245 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,400 Speaker 1: is what we all bring on ourselves, and people don't 246 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:19,400 Speaker 1: realize how because they've taken on these driven values of 247 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 1: this culture, they're actually literally makes in themselves sick. And 248 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,880 Speaker 1: sometimes it takes an illness to wake people up. And 249 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,920 Speaker 1: I don't recommend that way you're waking up, but my god, 250 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: it works that way very often. One of the Greek playwrights, 251 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: Eschylus wrote in a play called Agamemnon, written twenty four 252 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,600 Speaker 1: hundred years ago, and he said that the way that 253 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 1: the gods created us human beings, that we have to 254 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: suffer into truth. You have to have pain wake us 255 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 1: up to reality. And unfortunately, too often it's the stresses 256 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:59,920 Speaker 1: that we impose on ourselves that then create pain, illness, dysfunction, 257 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 1: and that then wake us up that maybe the way 258 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: I'm living isn't the way I'm meant to live. But 259 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 1: I hate I hate, I don't hate it. I regret 260 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,120 Speaker 1: that that's how people have to wake up, but it 261 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 1: often is certainly I have to be dragged, kicking and 262 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: screaming to the truth. I don't grab it here there automatically. 263 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,760 Speaker 2: If someone's sitting there right now and wondering gabble, I 264 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,120 Speaker 2: notice stress early. I can see it's getting worse. What 265 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 2: do I do? Where do I start? What should I 266 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,480 Speaker 2: be thinking about doing? 267 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 3: Changing? Shifting? If I want to walk out of here tonight, 268 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:53,280 Speaker 3: and I want. 269 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 2: To really prioritize this because I don't want to end 270 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 2: up with that long laundry list of pains in my life? 271 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,400 Speaker 3: What should I do? What would you say? 272 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:14,320 Speaker 1: Well, read my books? But well, I actually, actually I 273 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:16,359 Speaker 1: did mention the book I wrote called When the Body 274 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,320 Speaker 1: Says No, which is the whole point is that when 275 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,000 Speaker 1: you don't say no, the body will say it for 276 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,440 Speaker 1: you in a form of illness. In my most recent 277 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,399 Speaker 1: book that we've discussed before, the myth Normal, there's actually 278 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,879 Speaker 1: a whole chapter on this. And when I say this, 279 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:34,160 Speaker 1: this simple question to the inquiry that you just made 280 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: for that person, I would say, we're in your life. 281 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: Are you're not saying no? And by that I mean 282 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,600 Speaker 1: it's a nod that wants to be sad, but you're 283 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:47,320 Speaker 1: not saying it. Because you're afraid of how the world 284 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:51,400 Speaker 1: will perceive you. You're afraid that people will not like you, 285 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,120 Speaker 1: You're afraid that people might be disappointed in you. Where 286 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 1: is there no that your organism wants to say but 287 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:00,960 Speaker 1: you're not saying it? Start with that, where this week 288 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,960 Speaker 1: did I'm not saying no? Where today that I'm not 289 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: saying no? And that usually happens in two arenas of life, 290 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 1: in personal relationships, it happens all the time in personal 291 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:16,640 Speaker 1: relationships and then work where there's a no that wants 292 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,320 Speaker 1: to be said but you're not saying it. Again to 293 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,280 Speaker 1: you that to know that you're not saying is going 294 00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: to be a source of stress for you. So that's 295 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,640 Speaker 1: the first question. Other questions follow, but that's the first one, 296 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,040 Speaker 1: Where am I not saying no? 297 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 2: That's a great first question. Yeah, everyone resonated with that. 298 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,639 Speaker 2: That idea of where am I not saying no? That 299 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 2: resonates so strongly with me because I think you're spot on. 300 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,600 Speaker 2: We all we were talking about that in the first half. 301 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 2: We're talking about that inner voice that if you just 302 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,159 Speaker 2: sit and listen to it, But we're moving so fast, 303 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:51,600 Speaker 2: we're so busy, that that no can be really quiet, 304 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,639 Speaker 2: and it's like this little whisper that's barely getting. 305 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: Well, that's small still voice that the Bible talks about. 306 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:57,440 Speaker 4: Right. 307 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,920 Speaker 1: And there's a related question as well, which comes later 308 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,440 Speaker 1: in the same exercise. You might say, which is where 309 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,119 Speaker 1: am I not saying yes? There were times in my 310 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 1: life where I had certain creative verges or desires, but 311 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,080 Speaker 1: I was too busy not saying no that there was 312 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: no space for me to say yes to what I 313 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,120 Speaker 1: wanted to say yes to. So those two questions where 314 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:24,240 Speaker 1: am I not saying no? Excuse me, I just came 315 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 1: back from a twelve these speaking trips, so my voice 316 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 1: is saying no. You know, yeah, I like to see 317 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:37,159 Speaker 1: you at the end of this trip. But those two questions, 318 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 1: those two little words yes and no, they're crucial in 319 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:46,160 Speaker 1: people's lives. They're small little words in every language. They're 320 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:52,400 Speaker 1: very short little words. You know German, nine, Hungarian, nom, 321 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:57,240 Speaker 1: Russian yet you know French No, really short little words, 322 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: but they're just decisive in people lives. And it's very 323 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: interesting those of you that have been parents, what is 324 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:06,920 Speaker 1: the word that your kids start saying it? One and 325 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:14,439 Speaker 1: a half no, put your shoes on. No, And you 326 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: think as a matter of fact, I had a friend 327 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: I've told this story before. I had a friend called 328 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: Harold who had all called Ben, and we were medical 329 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,000 Speaker 1: residents at the same time. This is decades ago, it's 330 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:32,879 Speaker 1: like forty seven years ago. And Harold the father sister 331 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,359 Speaker 1: his son Ben, who is two years old. Ben, do 332 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,159 Speaker 1: you want an apple? And Ben said no, I want 333 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: an apple. And what that's about is the is nature 334 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:47,959 Speaker 1: putting a barrier for the child behind which he can 335 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,120 Speaker 1: develop his own self. And before your yeses meaning anything, 336 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,359 Speaker 1: you have to be able to say no. And in 337 00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 1: this society we call that inner stupidity. We call that 338 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:06,720 Speaker 1: that terrible toos when it's perfectly natural. So we start 339 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: with that word and then we stifle the inm people 340 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,359 Speaker 1: and at age forty five, they don't know how to 341 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:12,720 Speaker 1: say no. 342 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 2: It's so interesting because I feel like our mind convinces us, 343 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 2: I don't know if you're like this as well. 344 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:23,159 Speaker 3: Our mind convinces us that I can't say no, yeah. 345 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 2: Like, oh my god, I just couldn't, Like if I gabble, 346 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,680 Speaker 2: if I started doing that, my life would just fall apart. 347 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,719 Speaker 2: I can't do it, like it's not possible. And our 348 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,560 Speaker 2: mind says, oh no, and I can't say yes to 349 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:35,400 Speaker 2: this because so we almost kind of fool ourselves. 350 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,760 Speaker 1: Well, we do. And the Buddha said twenty five hundred 351 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,240 Speaker 1: years ago in so many almost, in so many words, 352 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,720 Speaker 1: that with our mind, as you create the world. Now, 353 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,640 Speaker 1: if you've if your mind lives in the world where 354 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 1: you're saying no threatens you, then you're not going to 355 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,240 Speaker 1: say no no. What the Buddha didn't say is that, 356 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:02,360 Speaker 1: which is more modern psychology, is that before they our 357 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,359 Speaker 1: minds create the world, the world creates our minds. So 358 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 1: if you grew up in a family where you know 359 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:14,200 Speaker 1: wasn't respected, where it was seen as a sign of disrespect, 360 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:20,840 Speaker 1: disobedience something to be suppressed or punished, and your acceptance 361 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:25,919 Speaker 1: dependent on your acquiescence, then you will forget how to 362 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:30,720 Speaker 1: say no in order to protect yourself. So it starts 363 00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 1: off as an adaptation. Sometimes when I give my lectures, 364 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,520 Speaker 1: I play a song by Elvis Presley. Did you see 365 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 1: that wonderful documentary by Pressley about Presley called The Return 366 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,080 Speaker 1: of the King? 367 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,120 Speaker 3: I haven't seen that one, but okay. 368 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,959 Speaker 1: It's wonderful. He goes through this phase where he sings 369 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: terrible songs where he gives upon his incredible charismatic energy 370 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,000 Speaker 1: and talent and just becomes a puppet in the hands 371 00:22:54,000 --> 00:23:00,560 Speaker 1: of his manager. And then he does this comeback circuit 372 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,399 Speaker 1: and he shows up on stage dressed like a god 373 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: in leather clothing, just the most beautiful man on earth, 374 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 1: and he sings his raw, raucous, rebald, wonderful rock and 375 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,880 Speaker 1: roll and he is fully himself. But then he gave 376 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,680 Speaker 1: that up and he sings this song called any Way 377 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,720 Speaker 1: You want Me, That's the way I'll be. I'll be 378 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 1: strong as a mountain or weak as a willow tree. 379 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,960 Speaker 1: I'll be anything that you want me to be. And 380 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,600 Speaker 1: that's how he ended up living his life. He ended 381 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:40,600 Speaker 1: up dying very young in very tragic circumstances. He's somebody 382 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:46,359 Speaker 1: who's raw genius was of world significance, and his energy 383 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:51,440 Speaker 1: was unbelievable and he gave it all up. Yeah, it's uh, 384 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: and he paid a heavy price. 385 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,479 Speaker 2: Yeah, those stories and when we have hindsight, can be 386 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,440 Speaker 2: so powerful for us. Yeah, even if we're not living 387 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 2: that life, whatever it may be, they're so powerful for 388 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,199 Speaker 2: us to look back on and tonight, I wanted to 389 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,960 Speaker 2: make this an extremely special experience because I want you 390 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 2: to know just how deeply grateful I am that you're 391 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 2: here today. And I've asked doctor Gabo as my first 392 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:20,680 Speaker 2: guest if he was comfortable leading and guiding an individual 393 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 2: who wanted to go through his compassionate inquiry personally in 394 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 2: this seat up here tonight. And so if there's anyone 395 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,680 Speaker 2: who's going through something, feels like they've been held back, 396 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,280 Speaker 2: feel like they've been challenged, who wants to before we 397 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,679 Speaker 2: take questions, would like to go through a process in 398 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,159 Speaker 2: front of the audience, he'd happily walk you through. So 399 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,640 Speaker 2: if you want to, just raise your hands and I'll 400 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:44,440 Speaker 2: have a look around. 401 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: Well, thanks for coming up. I hope you're not nervous. 402 00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: There's only a thousand stranger and thousands of strangers watching you. 403 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: What would you like to talk about? 404 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,440 Speaker 4: I'm on your chapter on intunement attunemant, and I guess 405 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:59,919 Speaker 4: I would love to hear it from your point of view, 406 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,120 Speaker 4: because I think I'm really trying as of this week 407 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 4: to stop trying to explain myself and rEFInd my instinct 408 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:15,159 Speaker 4: and listen to my gut, and I would just stop 409 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,080 Speaker 4: trying to be seen, stop trying to explain myself. Is 410 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:20,399 Speaker 4: something I'm really working on right now and something I 411 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,640 Speaker 4: want to pass on to my children and would really 412 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,399 Speaker 4: love to see how that starts. And I think you 413 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 4: guys kind of gave a really good intro to that today. 414 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 1: All right, thank you. So are you concerned about if 415 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:36,000 Speaker 1: you don't figure this out, that might affect your children somehow? 416 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 2: Yeah? 417 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,240 Speaker 1: Okay, Well let's start with the beginning. How old are 418 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: your kids? You said one on three? Yes, And how 419 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:47,800 Speaker 1: old were you when your mother began to work on herself? 420 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:52,960 Speaker 4: That's a tough question. 421 00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:00,520 Speaker 1: Well it was the answer probably, Now, okay, what would 422 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,200 Speaker 1: it have meant for you if your mother had begun 423 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,840 Speaker 1: to work on herself when you were one years old? 424 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,760 Speaker 4: It made a big difference, so. 425 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:16,480 Speaker 1: Um, you would know who you were. Yes, you've already 426 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:20,920 Speaker 1: given that gift to your children. Notice that, Okay, because 427 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,639 Speaker 1: you've already begun that work, you've already began to answer 428 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,920 Speaker 1: those questions, ask those questions, so you've got nothing to 429 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:31,119 Speaker 1: worry about. That's the first point, Okay. The second point is, 430 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,920 Speaker 1: who's the one who's even asking that question? Who's the 431 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:41,400 Speaker 1: one that notices that sometimes you don't follow your gut, 432 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: that sometimes you don't listen to your heart. Who's the 433 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,600 Speaker 1: one in you that notices that? 434 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 5: Me? 435 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,960 Speaker 1: Yeah? So you're already here, you say, I'm trying to 436 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,720 Speaker 1: be myself. You don't have to try anything. It's already here. 437 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,879 Speaker 1: You have to pay more attention to it. Not that 438 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:10,200 Speaker 1: part of you that sees and asks. Can you check 439 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:11,920 Speaker 1: in with that in your body? What does that feel 440 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:12,639 Speaker 1: like in your body? 441 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:16,320 Speaker 4: Peace? 442 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:22,159 Speaker 1: Yeah? Peace? But you said it with the kind of 443 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:30,159 Speaker 1: a scrunched up face. Peace. Just checking again. I'm not 444 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,960 Speaker 1: criticizing you. I'm just noticing, like you're not quite ready 445 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:40,680 Speaker 1: to believe yourself. So checking again that party that notices 446 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:45,360 Speaker 1: and is committing committed to being you and is committed 447 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:50,720 Speaker 1: to helping your children be themselves? How does that part 448 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:51,720 Speaker 1: feel like inside you? 449 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 4: Confidence? 450 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,840 Speaker 1: Thank you? Not noticed? How you said that with absolute confidence? 451 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:01,760 Speaker 1: What else do you need to know? Is there anything 452 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,639 Speaker 1: else you need to know? I'm asking you? 453 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 5: So? 454 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,880 Speaker 4: How do you just be confident? 455 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:17,600 Speaker 1: You just did it? You know what you do? You 456 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,600 Speaker 1: check in with your body. This thing that I'm doing 457 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,840 Speaker 1: is called compassionate inquiry. It's the therapeutic method that I've 458 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,119 Speaker 1: held to develop, and we teach it internationally online. You 459 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:28,920 Speaker 1: can look it up on nine if you want to. 460 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 1: But it's based on the fundamental belief that there's nothing 461 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:37,520 Speaker 1: wrong with anybody to start with, that everything, for example, 462 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 1: you were disconnecting from your gut feelings was an adaptation. 463 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:45,480 Speaker 1: But that the tooth is inside you, and by asking 464 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 1: the right questions, the tooth will emerge. It's as simple 465 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,080 Speaker 1: as that. And I think the audience has been witnessing 466 00:28:53,200 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 1: that tooth emerging from you very easily sense unless you're pretending, 467 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 1: which I don't believe you are. Okay, So just keep 468 00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,280 Speaker 1: asking yourself. Where am I not saying? 469 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 4: No? 470 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,880 Speaker 1: Today? If I didn't pay attention to my gut feelings, 471 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:18,480 Speaker 1: not judge yourself for it. I didn't, you know, screw 472 00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 1: it up again? But huh, I noticed I didn't pay 473 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,960 Speaker 1: attention to my good feeling today in that situation. I 474 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,440 Speaker 1: wonder why not? What did I believe at the time. 475 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:32,000 Speaker 1: So just keep asking yourself, just keep showing up for yourself, 476 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 1: which is what you're already doing. So I'm telling you 477 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:39,280 Speaker 1: you're on the right track already, far more than I 478 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,680 Speaker 1: was at your age. By the way. Okay, thank you, 479 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:53,000 Speaker 1: You're very welcome. Thanks. 480 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:06,360 Speaker 2: That's I really love that method, and I hope as 481 00:30:06,400 --> 00:30:09,520 Speaker 2: you were listening, you were practicing it on yourself. Like 482 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 2: I right, because as I was listening in there was 483 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:19,640 Speaker 2: a real sense of just how we constantly think we're 484 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:20,480 Speaker 2: not on the path. 485 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,160 Speaker 3: Yeah, we constantly think we're not doing the work. 486 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 2: We constantly think that there's something wrong with us and 487 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:30,480 Speaker 2: something broken. And you were just saying, actually, that is 488 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 2: the challenge that you know. 489 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And I'm saying that whether for you or 490 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,200 Speaker 1: for me or anybody in this audience, whatever you think 491 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,240 Speaker 1: is wrong with you, at some point served the purpose. 492 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 1: So for Christina, at some point disconnected from her gut feelings, 493 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,760 Speaker 1: served the purpose of being accepted by the people that 494 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,520 Speaker 1: she had to be accepted by. It wasn't a mistake, 495 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,200 Speaker 1: it wasn't the moral failure. It was an adaptation. The 496 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:03,000 Speaker 1: problem is that the zerally adaptations then becoming ingrained, and 497 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:09,120 Speaker 1: that which was helpful in one situation becomes a limitation 498 00:31:09,280 --> 00:31:14,400 Speaker 1: in another situation. But asking herself the right questions will 499 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,760 Speaker 1: get us back to source. If I may mention, I'm 500 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,640 Speaker 1: wearing this bracelet here and I was given this in 501 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: Haida Guai, which is people in British gon't me know 502 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:28,160 Speaker 1: that it's a beautiful set of islands in the north 503 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,480 Speaker 1: of our province where indigenous people have lit for some 504 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,480 Speaker 1: like ten or twelve doosand years, and then it was 505 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:38,000 Speaker 1: colonized and they were treated terribly. And I gave a 506 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,240 Speaker 1: trauma workshop up there a year and a half ago, 507 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,720 Speaker 1: and an elderly woman came up to me, and I've 508 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,720 Speaker 1: told this story before. She was so ashamed of herself 509 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 1: because she forgot her native tribal national language. And I said, well, 510 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,000 Speaker 1: what happened to you? And I was giving this bracelet 511 00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:01,440 Speaker 1: at that workshop, and what happen? She went to Resi 512 00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:06,520 Speaker 1: Residential School, where indigenous people had to surrender their children 513 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:09,160 Speaker 1: to the state and to the church, and she made 514 00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:14,080 Speaker 1: the mistake of speaking her native tongue, at which point 515 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: they took a stake and they beat her. Wow, her 516 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:23,960 Speaker 1: forgetting her language at that point saved her life. And 517 00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:28,360 Speaker 1: then she was ashamed. I didn't fight back. I said, okay, 518 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,280 Speaker 1: you were five years old. Could you escape? 519 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 5: No? 520 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:33,440 Speaker 1: Could you ask for help? 521 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:33,600 Speaker 5: No? 522 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 1: What would happen if you fought back? They might have 523 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:43,520 Speaker 1: killed me. So not fighting back, what she's judging herself 524 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:49,240 Speaker 1: as cowardice was actually her organism's wisdom. To save her life. 525 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,440 Speaker 1: And what I'm saying is that all these things in 526 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:55,240 Speaker 1: ourselves that's an extreme example, but all these things in 527 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:59,960 Speaker 1: ourselves that we beray ourselves for, judge ourselves for, criticize 528 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:04,200 Speaker 1: ourselves for they began as adaptations, need to be very 529 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 1: kind to ourselves. And that's why I'm saying compassionate inquiry. 530 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,680 Speaker 1: And there's a spiritual teacher who says that only when 531 00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:16,760 Speaker 1: compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth. Well, 532 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:21,080 Speaker 1: that compassion needs to be extended to ourselves and then 533 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:22,600 Speaker 1: we can extend it to others as well. 534 00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:45,520 Speaker 2: It's so yeah, it's so powerful for me to hear 535 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,400 Speaker 2: that from you, because I think we're so good at 536 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:50,640 Speaker 2: saying oh god, the last three years, we're just a 537 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,080 Speaker 2: waste of time. But now I figured it out. Yeah, 538 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,000 Speaker 2: you know, all that job that I was in ten 539 00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,320 Speaker 2: years ago, I just I should have left it earlier. 540 00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,360 Speaker 2: You know, that relationship we're so good at and as 541 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,000 Speaker 2: you said, and just saying oh, that was a waste 542 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 2: of time, and it's almost like, oh no, no, no, 543 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 2: it wasn't ideal, it wasn't help, it wasn't easy, it 544 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,359 Speaker 2: wasn't comfortable, It wasn't nice. 545 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:12,239 Speaker 6: But. 546 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,600 Speaker 3: It's aided you, it's helped you, it served you, and 547 00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 3: you're so right that. 548 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:22,400 Speaker 1: Well, you know what the great German philosopher nietzschee he 549 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:26,239 Speaker 1: said ones that we I'm fair phrasing him, but he said, 550 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:28,759 Speaker 1: we talked about these dead ends that we went down. 551 00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:32,040 Speaker 1: He said, they're they're no dead ends. We just found 552 00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,920 Speaker 1: out that that wasn't the way to go, so we 553 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:38,720 Speaker 1: didn't waste any time. Thomas Edison said he was once asked, 554 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,239 Speaker 1: what is it what did it feel like to have 555 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 1: failed one thousand and nine and ninety nine times to 556 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,800 Speaker 1: build a light bulb until you finally got it, and 557 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:49,520 Speaker 1: he said, I didn't fail one thousand and nine and 558 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,080 Speaker 1: nine times to build a light bulb. I found out 559 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:53,799 Speaker 1: that there was one thousand and nine or ninety nine 560 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:57,399 Speaker 1: ames not to build a light bulb. And so much 561 00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,399 Speaker 1: for our dead ends and our mistakes and all these things. 562 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:01,719 Speaker 1: Do that, you know, we have to do it to 563 00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,480 Speaker 1: find out to find out a reality, that's all. 564 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:05,319 Speaker 6: Yeah. 565 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,800 Speaker 2: I wanted to give you all an opportunity this evening 566 00:35:08,960 --> 00:35:13,360 Speaker 2: to ask questions to doctor Gable Matte, as we have 567 00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:16,520 Speaker 2: him here for the last few moments. If you would 568 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:17,839 Speaker 2: like to ask a question. I'm going to come out 569 00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,759 Speaker 2: into the audience and hand you a mic. So raise 570 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,879 Speaker 2: your hands and I'm going to come and find you. So, yeah, 571 00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:25,759 Speaker 2: keep them race. 572 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:28,840 Speaker 7: I can see you even as an adult in my 573 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,560 Speaker 7: experience of working with many different people in marketing and business, 574 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:36,040 Speaker 7: and when you say no to someone right away, whether 575 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:41,440 Speaker 7: you have a reason to, people abruptly shut down. They 576 00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,520 Speaker 7: don't hear what comes after the no. So what I've 577 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,960 Speaker 7: been doing with my children, I'm also a school counselor, 578 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:53,480 Speaker 7: so I talk about diplomatically saying no, saying like, do 579 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:55,719 Speaker 7: just that pause moment for you to share your no 580 00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:57,919 Speaker 7: without saying no right away. 581 00:35:58,360 --> 00:35:59,320 Speaker 8: What are your thoughts on that? 582 00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:00,719 Speaker 5: Well? 583 00:36:01,719 --> 00:36:09,000 Speaker 1: Eckart Toole, who's another Vancouver based teacher, internationally very well known, 584 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:12,200 Speaker 1: I'm sure very well known to this audience. He talks 585 00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:18,759 Speaker 1: about a high quality no. So there is that's kind 586 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:26,720 Speaker 1: of an automatic, resentful, reactive no, which doesn't get across, 587 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 1: it just creates more resistance. Or there's a high quality 588 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:37,080 Speaker 1: no where you're really honoring yourself and you're not making 589 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:41,759 Speaker 1: the other person wrong. You're just saying no. That does 590 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:44,480 Speaker 1: not work for me, and I will not do that 591 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:49,360 Speaker 1: and if you can't accept that, it's not my problem. 592 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,200 Speaker 1: I don't know if that answers your question, but that's 593 00:36:52,400 --> 00:37:02,839 Speaker 1: what comes up for me. And by the way, I thought, 594 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,480 Speaker 1: I heard you say that you had cancer at some point. Well, 595 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:09,239 Speaker 1: in my view not that's one of your body's way 596 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,600 Speaker 1: of saying no is through illness, you know, and I've 597 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:12,560 Speaker 1: seen that all the time. 598 00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:17,279 Speaker 8: So my question is, as an Indigenous person who's had 599 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 8: family that I went to residential school. As I get 600 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:27,400 Speaker 8: more serious to my partner we're talking about children, how 601 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,080 Speaker 8: do I know if I'm healed enough cannot pass. 602 00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:32,240 Speaker 3: On that trauma. 603 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:39,479 Speaker 1: Well, some friends of mine who made a film about 604 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:42,520 Speaker 1: my work called The Wisdom of Trauma, or just releasing 605 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:47,080 Speaker 1: a film this month. It's called The Eternal Song, and 606 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:52,520 Speaker 1: it's about indigenous wisdom around the world and what they 607 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:57,040 Speaker 1: and they came to Hidaguai, they came to Northern Britshcondia, Africa, 608 00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:01,640 Speaker 1: South America, Australia and New Zealand. They spoke everywhere to 609 00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:08,960 Speaker 1: indigenous people, and the Eternal Song, the universal message everywhere 610 00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:14,800 Speaker 1: is about the importance of learning from the heart and 611 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:20,040 Speaker 1: unity with nature, unity with the whole world. And when 612 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:23,880 Speaker 1: I speak in indigenous communities here in Canada. What I 613 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:29,040 Speaker 1: stress is that your own traditions that they try to 614 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:35,680 Speaker 1: they try to kill in you. And you know, one 615 00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:39,400 Speaker 1: Canadian politician said about the residential schools that the intention 616 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:44,160 Speaker 1: is to drive the Indian out of the Indian. So 617 00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:48,680 Speaker 1: when you ask me hard or not to pass it 618 00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,799 Speaker 1: on to your kids, I say, first of all, as 619 00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:54,719 Speaker 1: I've said before, working on your own trauma, but also 620 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,840 Speaker 1: as much as possible, connect with that deep wisdom and 621 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,480 Speaker 1: your own traditions that would be so official, not just 622 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:04,000 Speaker 1: for your people, but for the whole society. And I 623 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:07,879 Speaker 1: think it's one of the tragedies of modern civilization. I've 624 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:11,080 Speaker 1: just did it speaking to in Australia. In Australia, they've 625 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:15,400 Speaker 1: been indigenous people for sixty thousand years, a continuous culture 626 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:19,799 Speaker 1: for sixty thousand years. Canada is not two hundred years 627 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:24,200 Speaker 1: old here. Do you think in sixty thousand years that 628 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,759 Speaker 1: might have learned a few things? Do you think in 629 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:30,960 Speaker 1: sixty thousand years there over there or your people here 630 00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:33,400 Speaker 1: might have learned a few things that would be worthwhile 631 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,399 Speaker 1: for the rest of us to learn. So what I'm saying, 632 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:39,680 Speaker 1: respectfully in response to your question is deal with your 633 00:39:39,719 --> 00:39:44,120 Speaker 1: traumas working through, but also go back to your own wisdom, 634 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:48,000 Speaker 1: because there's so much there that is healing. The unity, 635 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 1: the chanting, the drumming, the dancing, the sun dancing, the 636 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:03,680 Speaker 1: cedar brushing, the what do you call the smoke that 637 00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:09,280 Speaker 1: you a certain plant? You know that the sweat largest 638 00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:16,960 Speaker 1: There's so much there. So combine modern trauma work with 639 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:19,479 Speaker 1: your own traditions, and I think you'll have the perfect brew. 640 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:22,759 Speaker 1: That's my best advice to you. Thank you. 641 00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:36,280 Speaker 5: So I'm just wondering how, relating actually to your previous conversation, 642 00:40:37,200 --> 00:40:42,160 Speaker 5: how does one balances the desire to self improve and 643 00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:43,520 Speaker 5: self acceptance. 644 00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:46,480 Speaker 1: You see some kind of a contradiction between what you 645 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,440 Speaker 1: call self improvement and self acceptance. Can you see it? 646 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:51,080 Speaker 1: Tell me a bit more about that. What is the 647 00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:53,680 Speaker 1: contradiction that you're perceiving there? 648 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:56,520 Speaker 8: The way I see it is. 649 00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,040 Speaker 5: For you to want to improve in the first place, 650 00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:07,200 Speaker 5: you might see maybe yourself as not enough in some 651 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:08,640 Speaker 5: situation or facets. 652 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:13,600 Speaker 1: And that's true. If you working on self improvement, you're 653 00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:19,400 Speaker 1: making some kind of an accusation against yourself. But ah, 654 00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:23,080 Speaker 1: but if you just put the two together as how 655 00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:26,399 Speaker 1: can I reach my full potential, and I shoul yourself 656 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:30,319 Speaker 1: that question, then there's no contradiction. How can I reach 657 00:41:30,360 --> 00:41:33,239 Speaker 1: my full potential? And what is keeping me for my 658 00:41:33,320 --> 00:41:36,919 Speaker 1: full potential? There's no accusation in that, there's no self 659 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:39,879 Speaker 1: judgment in that, there's no self rejection in that. It's 660 00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:43,239 Speaker 1: just as how can I reach my full potential? And 661 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 1: that is a lifelong process, but it's a beautiful one 662 00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:50,280 Speaker 1: and there's no contradiction in it. I hope that answers 663 00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:50,680 Speaker 1: your question. 664 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:52,560 Speaker 5: Thank you so much. 665 00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:09,520 Speaker 6: Hi, I've been on a similar journey Kinnel as Jay Shatty, 666 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:14,879 Speaker 6: I grew into wanting to help people since a really 667 00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:18,480 Speaker 6: young age. I've always wanted to just be there for 668 00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:21,680 Speaker 6: my friends, for my family, and I think one of 669 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,840 Speaker 6: the things that I've been that have limited me a 670 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,920 Speaker 6: bit is just feeling too young to help people, to 671 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:32,360 Speaker 6: give guidance or to you know, just and yeah, I 672 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:36,400 Speaker 6: recently started a YouTube channel, and like I was saying, 673 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,320 Speaker 6: I feel like there's just a lot of things for 674 00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:43,200 Speaker 6: me to still learn, and I feel sometimes too young 675 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:46,239 Speaker 6: to be spreading out whatever it is that I know. 676 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:50,040 Speaker 6: And like what we were talking about earlier, like feeling 677 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:53,880 Speaker 6: like I'm gonna be judged or be looked at as like, 678 00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,960 Speaker 6: what do you know? You know, but I'm twenty two 679 00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,560 Speaker 6: years old, so I do feel really really young still, 680 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:05,400 Speaker 6: and yeah, and so I guess just my question would be, 681 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:09,080 Speaker 6: how do I how do I, I guess, tap into 682 00:43:09,239 --> 00:43:12,000 Speaker 6: that wisdom that I have without feeling like it's not enough. 683 00:43:12,719 --> 00:43:14,719 Speaker 1: What I heard you say is that you feel that 684 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:18,440 Speaker 1: you're too young, and you have a fear that other 685 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:23,040 Speaker 1: people would judge you as too immature, as just not 686 00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:27,200 Speaker 1: ready to make a contribution. That's what I heard you say. Okay, Now, 687 00:43:29,520 --> 00:43:31,759 Speaker 1: I can think of lots of people at age twenty 688 00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,200 Speaker 1: two who were recognized geniuses by the time they were 689 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:35,839 Speaker 1: twenty two. Mozart was one of them. 690 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,080 Speaker 4: You know, he was. 691 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:43,560 Speaker 1: Composing stuff when he was eleven years old, you know, 692 00:43:43,719 --> 00:43:45,719 Speaker 1: So that ages got nothing to do with it. That's 693 00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:49,239 Speaker 1: the first point. Second point is when you say I 694 00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:53,719 Speaker 1: feel I'm too young, that's not a feeling. Feelings are 695 00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:59,440 Speaker 1: I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm sad, I'm angry. Those are feelings. 696 00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:05,640 Speaker 1: I am too young is not a feeling, it's a belief. Okay, 697 00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:10,880 Speaker 1: can you see the distinction. Okay, if a friend of yours, 698 00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,560 Speaker 1: Like I aged twenty two, I was at university and 699 00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:21,200 Speaker 1: I was writing columns for the student newspaper. Would you 700 00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:23,080 Speaker 1: have come to see Would you have come to me 701 00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:26,400 Speaker 1: and say gob or you're just twenty two, you're too 702 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:29,120 Speaker 1: young to write anything? Would you have said that to me? 703 00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:31,279 Speaker 1: How come you wouldn't have said that? 704 00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:36,080 Speaker 5: Okay? 705 00:44:39,719 --> 00:44:42,880 Speaker 6: I think, well, one of the I think one of 706 00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:45,520 Speaker 6: the things that I see is that, like we were 707 00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:46,920 Speaker 6: talking about earlier, too, I. 708 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:51,279 Speaker 1: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait wait, I'm just asking a 709 00:44:51,320 --> 00:44:57,319 Speaker 1: simple question. You're twenty two and you're saying yourself, I'm 710 00:44:57,360 --> 00:45:00,719 Speaker 1: too young. But you would not said that to me 711 00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:04,399 Speaker 1: at age twenty two. I didn't have YouTube. There wasn't 712 00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:06,719 Speaker 1: YouTube then, what there was a newspaper that I wrote for. 713 00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:10,480 Speaker 1: Why would you have not said to me? God? Are 714 00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:12,480 Speaker 1: you too young to do this? How come. 715 00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:16,279 Speaker 6: Because you're not me? 716 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,440 Speaker 1: Oh so there's different rules for you and me? Is 717 00:45:19,520 --> 00:45:19,799 Speaker 1: that right? 718 00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:20,360 Speaker 4: No? 719 00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:25,480 Speaker 6: But I think I would just automatically think that you're good. 720 00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:29,440 Speaker 1: Well, here's what I'm thinking. Are you willing to apply 721 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,800 Speaker 1: the same rules to both of us? Yeah, then just 722 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:36,439 Speaker 1: apply the same rule to yourself. As a matter of fact, 723 00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:39,759 Speaker 1: Even if a friend of yours who's your age, said Hey, 724 00:45:39,800 --> 00:45:42,160 Speaker 1: I got this idea of a YouTube channel and make 725 00:45:42,200 --> 00:45:45,680 Speaker 1: a contribution and express myself. And when what you said 726 00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:50,200 Speaker 1: to them, Hey you're too young. Okay, So again, notice 727 00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:53,719 Speaker 1: what I referred to before as the lack of self compassion, 728 00:45:55,680 --> 00:46:01,280 Speaker 1: and just notice it now. Don't judge yourself lacking self compassion. 729 00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:08,839 Speaker 1: Just notice it and then make an effort to treat 730 00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:12,759 Speaker 1: yourself the way that you treat me or anybody else, 731 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,040 Speaker 1: and you'll be just fine. Now, you know what, people 732 00:46:16,120 --> 00:46:19,480 Speaker 1: may judge you. That's totally true, that made true, that 733 00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:22,919 Speaker 1: may be true. So what what's the headline? Human beings 734 00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:28,479 Speaker 1: judges other human beings. People judge me all the time. 735 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:32,200 Speaker 1: I mean, just go to the YouTube channels where you 736 00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:36,560 Speaker 1: know all this stuff of mine and lots of wonderful comments. 737 00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:39,879 Speaker 1: But some people say this guy bores me to death. 738 00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:44,600 Speaker 1: And one of them, actually I love this one. Today. 739 00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:47,799 Speaker 1: It was on a political issue that obviously this person 740 00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:53,960 Speaker 1: didn't agree with me, but they said gobl obviously as dementia. Okay, 741 00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:58,760 Speaker 1: so what okay? 742 00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:13,920 Speaker 3: Thank you so much, Gabor. 743 00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:16,880 Speaker 2: You have been such a joy and such a treat 744 00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:20,640 Speaker 2: to have my first ever live interview for the podcast 745 00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,320 Speaker 2: we've ever done, to do it in Vancouver, to do 746 00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,719 Speaker 2: it with you, someone that I genuinely learned so much 747 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:29,919 Speaker 2: from every time you speak, every time you share, someone 748 00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:30,480 Speaker 2: that I'm so. 749 00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:31,600 Speaker 3: Grateful to call a friend. 750 00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:36,880 Speaker 2: We've meditated together, We've had plenty of conversations together, and 751 00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:40,520 Speaker 2: I want to ask you one last question before I. 752 00:47:40,719 --> 00:47:42,560 Speaker 1: But before you do, let me just also say that 753 00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:46,000 Speaker 1: it's a real on a pleasure for me to be 754 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:48,560 Speaker 1: invited by you, to speak with your audience and to 755 00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:51,279 Speaker 1: be the first one on this tour to be a 756 00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:52,080 Speaker 1: guinea pig for you. 757 00:48:04,239 --> 00:48:08,760 Speaker 3: We've all been guinea pigs tonight. We're in it together. 758 00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:11,759 Speaker 2: But I want to end with one last question I 759 00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:20,760 Speaker 2: wanted to ask you, which is, if there's one thought 760 00:48:21,200 --> 00:48:24,360 Speaker 2: you'd love for people to discuss as they left today, 761 00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:27,000 Speaker 2: something that they could talk to on the way home 762 00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:30,600 Speaker 2: with their friend, that they came with, the partner, the 763 00:48:30,719 --> 00:48:34,520 Speaker 2: family member, and if they came alone, something they can 764 00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,799 Speaker 2: start a conversation tomorrow at work, at home. 765 00:48:38,239 --> 00:48:39,520 Speaker 3: What would you encourage them. 766 00:48:39,440 --> 00:48:41,919 Speaker 1: To Well, I'll tell you what comes up right away 767 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:45,400 Speaker 1: from me is ask yourself this question. What is true 768 00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:49,239 Speaker 1: for me? What is true for me? Ask yourself that question, 769 00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:53,000 Speaker 1: and keep asking that question, keep asking that all your life. 770 00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:54,920 Speaker 1: That's what comes up what. 771 00:48:55,080 --> 00:48:58,320 Speaker 3: Is true for me? I love it, Doctor Gable, matter everyone, 772 00:48:58,480 --> 00:48:58,680 Speaker 3: thank you. 773 00:49:00,320 --> 00:49:03,279 Speaker 2: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with 774 00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:07,680 Speaker 2: doctor Gable Matte on understanding your trauma and how to 775 00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:11,440 Speaker 2: heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. 776 00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:14,080 Speaker 1: A therapist one said to me that if your parents 777 00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:16,680 Speaker 1: didn't not hold you, you developed the mind you hold 778 00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:19,400 Speaker 1: yourself with. It's a fate of pain and it's designed 779 00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:20,879 Speaker 1: to keep you from experiencing pain.