1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:06,440 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: Edge Podcast with Kelly Henderson. 3 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:12,720 Speaker 2: Karena Kilcoin is a former criminal defense attorney turned self 4 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 2: development expert and now author of the book Rise Above 5 00:00:16,079 --> 00:00:19,759 Speaker 2: the Story three yourself from past trauma and Create the 6 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 2: life you want. Hi, Karina, thanks so much for being here. 7 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,800 Speaker 3: Hi Kelly, I'm just so so happy to be here. 8 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 3: Thanks for having me on. 9 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,640 Speaker 2: Of course, so I know that you wrote the book 10 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:35,279 Speaker 2: based on your own childhood trauma and just realizing at 11 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,320 Speaker 2: some point in your life that you really needed to 12 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:39,879 Speaker 2: start a healing journey. Can you take the listeners back 13 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,760 Speaker 2: a little bit and kind of talk us through what 14 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:43,800 Speaker 2: your story looks like. 15 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:47,479 Speaker 3: Yes, I'd love to. So you're right. I did write 16 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:51,960 Speaker 3: this book to include my past trauma because it was 17 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 3: really what set me on this healing journey, and just 18 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 3: to kind of really set the stage. I didn't go 19 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 3: on the healing journey until my forties. So I had 20 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 3: this really traumatic childhood, but it took me decades to 21 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,039 Speaker 3: really process it and pull it up and then go 22 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 3: on the stealing journey. But it really all started early 23 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,040 Speaker 3: in my life and my parents had a very volatile, 24 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:21,040 Speaker 3: a lot of just abusive behavior to one another, verbal, physical, 25 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 3: And I grew up in that, and I had a 26 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 3: younger brother and a younger sister. And when I was 27 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 3: about i'd say, I think around eleven ish, my father 28 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,680 Speaker 3: started to have some trouble with the law and we 29 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:39,479 Speaker 3: were being surveilled by the FBI, and he ended up 30 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 3: getting indicted and being sentenced to the federal penitentiary for 31 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:49,720 Speaker 3: a financial fraud situation. So when he left, he left 32 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 3: my mother in charge of us. But unfortunately, she suffered 33 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 3: from a lot of mental health issues. And this was 34 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 3: back in the eighties, you know, and a rusted out 35 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 3: steel town in Ohio, and you know, back then, people 36 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 3: where I came from didn't go to psychologists or psychiatrist. So, 37 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 3: knowing what I know now about mental health, I would 38 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:14,320 Speaker 3: say that my mother suffered definitely from depression, anxiety, and 39 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 3: probably bipolar. She had a lot of manic episodes. And 40 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,400 Speaker 3: so when my father left, she was really not well 41 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 3: suited to handle the stress and the situation we were 42 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 3: left in. My father left us a fair amount of money. 43 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 3: Unfortunately my mother didn't manage it very well and in 44 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,640 Speaker 3: some of her in some of her manic episodes. We 45 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 3: would go on these big shopping sprees, and you know, 46 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 3: she wrote up shopping bags full of clothes and buy 47 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:46,240 Speaker 3: birthday cakes, big lavish birthday cakes. It was nobody's birthday, 48 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,720 Speaker 3: so there was no real management of the money. So 49 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 3: before too long, the money was gone, and my mother 50 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 3: spent a lot of time desponded and depressed in bed 51 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 3: and around. You know, twelve thirteen years old, I started 52 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:04,840 Speaker 3: taking over the responsibility of my family, and so that meant. 53 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,799 Speaker 3: What it meant was, you know, scrounging around was change 54 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 3: to buy food, and when that loose change was gone, 55 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 3: it was asking strangers or neighbors for money to buy food. 56 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 3: We'd go without hot water or electricity, I mean countless times. 57 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 3: And when I was fourteen, my mother had my youngest brother, 58 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 3: and I knew when she had him that it was 59 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 3: going to be mostly my responsibility to take care of him, 60 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 3: which it was. I also knew that education was going 61 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 3: to be my way out, so I put myself through 62 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,120 Speaker 3: I was a very good student in school, regardless of 63 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 3: what was going on in my home life. I made 64 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 3: that a priority, and then I put myself through college, 65 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,720 Speaker 3: and then through law school and my third year of 66 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 3: law school, my mother died of cancer, and she and 67 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,960 Speaker 3: I had not resolved any of our relationship by that point, 68 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 3: so I was still very angry and resentful of her. 69 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 3: And after she passed, I adopted my youngest brother, who 70 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 3: was nine at the time. So he was nine and 71 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 3: I was twenty four, and I was still very impacted 72 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 3: by all this trauma and very much still in survival mode, right, 73 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,760 Speaker 3: And I adopted him and carried on with my life, 74 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 3: trying to be a new lawyer, learning how to practice law, 75 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,960 Speaker 3: trying to support us financially. So all that old trauma 76 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 3: I had just got suppressed and compartmentalized, and I carried 77 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:35,919 Speaker 3: that around with me, like I said, for decades. Yeah, 78 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 3: so what happened? 79 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 2: You said? I love that you've mentioned, first of all, 80 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,279 Speaker 2: that you were in survival mode, because, as you know, 81 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 2: a lot of us have been through trauma, and it's 82 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,160 Speaker 2: like you can't always just go, oh, I'm going to 83 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 2: go on a healing journey, like we do have to survive. 84 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 3: And so, like you said, you were. 85 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 2: Asked to be an adult from a very young age. 86 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 2: You're put in this place where you now are a caretaker. 87 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 2: So I would imagine there were things that you just 88 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 2: felt like, Okay, I have to go make money for us. 89 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 2: I have to you know, I have to keep the 90 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 2: lights on. Because you had experienced times in your life 91 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,719 Speaker 2: where you hadn't had that. So what happened that forty 92 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,279 Speaker 2: that shook you in a way that you knew something 93 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:13,280 Speaker 2: had to change. 94 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,080 Speaker 3: So that that's a great question. I want to get 95 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 3: to that. But I also I love what you were 96 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 3: saying though about, like so many of us, certain survival modes. 97 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,880 Speaker 3: So to kind of link those two things together, I 98 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,960 Speaker 3: also want you to know and in the audience know 99 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 3: this that because I think a lot of us do this. 100 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 3: I went through like phases where I said I had 101 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 3: a bad breakup. Oh I didn't know what if I 102 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 3: was going to survive whatever. You know, in my thirties, Okay, 103 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 3: let me go to therapy. I show up to therapy 104 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 3: and all I really want to talk about is, well, 105 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,960 Speaker 3: this guy was such a jerk and what happened to me? 106 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,040 Speaker 3: And I got a little bit into the past about 107 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,159 Speaker 3: my parents because I was having these memories and such. 108 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:51,479 Speaker 3: But as soon as I felt like, okay, I'm over 109 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 3: this guy, I know, over this relationship, I was like, 110 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,240 Speaker 3: bye bye, I'm out of here, and I never really 111 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,479 Speaker 3: tell it, so I knew I was carrying it around, 112 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 3: and I have these moments, these tiny moments along along 113 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,320 Speaker 3: the timeline where I'd have these brief moments of awakening, 114 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 3: like oh, something is not right, and it felt so 115 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 3: hard to unearth it and so scary and so overwhelming 116 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 3: that I was like, I don't want to do this. 117 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 3: I'm not going to tell you everything, therapist. I'm going 118 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 3: to go on my marry little way now. So by 119 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 3: the time I was forty, I had all this, all 120 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,800 Speaker 3: these ideas in my head that something was still, that 121 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 3: there was things, that there was so much suppressed energy 122 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,680 Speaker 3: in me and so much dunk in me that I 123 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 3: wanted to get out, but I was afraid to. So 124 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,600 Speaker 3: by this time, you know, I had done all the 125 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,960 Speaker 3: things that I thought would heal me. I thought, Oh, yeah, 126 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 3: if I'm successful enough, if I check all these boxes, 127 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 3: if I represent these people, if I win all these cases, 128 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,479 Speaker 3: if I make all this money somehow, I'm no longer 129 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 3: going to be ashamed. I'm no longer going to think 130 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,919 Speaker 3: I'm this poor little girl whose dad went to prison. 131 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,320 Speaker 3: Spoiler alert, none of that worked. Right, I was still 132 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,839 Speaker 3: just as miserable and in fact feeling like an imposter 133 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 3: in my life. But by the time I got to 134 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:04,919 Speaker 3: be forty forty one, I had this beloved dog. I 135 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:10,000 Speaker 3: had this Golden Retriever, Finn, and he was unbeknownst to me. 136 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,680 Speaker 3: I didn't ask him to do this or train him 137 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 3: to do this, but he became my emotional support dog. 138 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 3: And it was just so heartbreaking to me when I 139 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,679 Speaker 3: found out that he had an incurable form of cancer. 140 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 3: He was young. When he was diagnosed, they said there's 141 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 3: no help for this, and it was pretty quick. It 142 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 3: was like, you know, I don't know a month and 143 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,640 Speaker 3: a half or so of him being sick before he died. 144 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 3: But what was so interesting to me was that while 145 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 3: we were going through this with him, this whole you know, 146 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 3: should we give him chemo? You know, what holistic things 147 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 3: can I do for him? Whatnot? I realized that I 148 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 3: was having all these memories about my mother having cancer 149 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 3: and dying of cancer, and I realized that it was 150 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 3: twenty years to the same exact like fall to winner 151 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 3: of her dying when my fin was so sick, and 152 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 3: when he died, I it's like the floodgates of my 153 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 3: grief just opened, and I was grieving him. And you know, 154 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 3: there's all these all these articles out there about like 155 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:15,800 Speaker 3: how you know, the death of an animal of impacts 156 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:17,680 Speaker 3: us and affects us so differently than the death of 157 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 3: a human. And I had that experience because he and 158 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,000 Speaker 3: I were so close. But after you know, a week 159 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 3: or so, it was like I just couldn't stop emoting 160 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 3: and I couldn't stop grieving, and I realized that it 161 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,679 Speaker 3: was more than just about him. I was finally really 162 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 3: feeling all of these things I never felt as a 163 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,319 Speaker 3: little girl, and you know, losing things then my childhood, 164 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 3: right like not having a real mother, not having a 165 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,320 Speaker 3: real father who was around all the time. So it 166 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 3: was really that it was him, my dog dying and 167 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 3: me me having this release of emotion that I had 168 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 3: never allowed myself to have. And that's when I knew 169 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,480 Speaker 3: I was ready to find they just do all the work. 170 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:07,320 Speaker 3: So you know, in my people pleaser type a personality, 171 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,560 Speaker 3: you know, child of trauma way, I dove headfirst into 172 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 3: I made this right relates. Yeah, how can I be 173 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 3: perfect at healing? You know that's a perfect heal. Let 174 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 3: me get an a pleasant healing. 175 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,480 Speaker 2: I totally relate to that. 176 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,360 Speaker 3: So that's what I did. And I went on this 177 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,320 Speaker 3: journey and I read everything I could, and I just 178 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,480 Speaker 3: devoured books and I went everywhere and I tried everything 179 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,720 Speaker 3: I could and it was so overwhelming and it was 180 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 3: so scary, and but I was like, I'm doing it, 181 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,840 Speaker 3: you know, like I'm middle aged, like it's time. Yeah, 182 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 3: So that's what it was like for me. 183 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,120 Speaker 2: I think they're making such a really this is such 184 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:50,079 Speaker 2: a great point that I forget often because I've been 185 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,720 Speaker 2: doing or all my let's call it my own healing journey. 186 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 2: It's such an overused term nowadays. I feel silly saying 187 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 2: and sometimes but that's what it is, you know it is. 188 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,040 Speaker 2: And I would say I started a eleven years ago, 189 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 2: and I think that forgets often when I'm telling friends 190 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,440 Speaker 2: or other people, just go go get do the work. 191 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 2: It's so much better on the other side. But I 192 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,439 Speaker 2: forget that we sometimes need the denial, like it's like 193 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 2: a comfort blanket, right to protect us at first, because, 194 00:10:17,679 --> 00:10:21,319 Speaker 2: as you're saying, when your mom first passed away, you 195 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 2: might not have been capable of feeling those emotions because 196 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,800 Speaker 2: it might have taken you out it might have been 197 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 2: too much, And it wasn't till twenty years later when 198 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 2: your dog was dying that you're actually able to process 199 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 2: through those emotions. But none of us are going to 200 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,680 Speaker 2: get away for free. Like you can't not feel the 201 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 2: things without facing them later in some capacity because they 202 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:47,400 Speaker 2: do impact your life. So you mentioned also like going 203 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 2: to therapy for the breakups and the relationships. Is that 204 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 2: something you see often with people where they're like, let 205 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 2: me go deal with the one thing happening right in 206 00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 2: front of me, but I'm gonna sidestep all the reasons 207 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 2: maybe I'm even in this relationship, which is probably from 208 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 2: your childhood. 209 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,839 Speaker 3: Isn't that so true? I mean, yeah, I did that. 210 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,280 Speaker 3: I did that, you know a handful of times for sure. 211 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,880 Speaker 3: And it it feels though like we definitely we do that. 212 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,320 Speaker 3: We go in and we say we go in, you know, 213 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,160 Speaker 3: to therapy a few times, handful of times, like it's 214 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 3: not really working. It's not working for me. Why isn't 215 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 3: working for me? It's I don't really really get anything 216 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 3: out of this because I think you go in and 217 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 3: you go in and you think what you want to 218 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,800 Speaker 3: talk about is I'm so unhappy in my job. I'm 219 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 3: so unhappy in this relationship, like you said, and you're 220 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:37,000 Speaker 3: not really digging into, well, why did I take a 221 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 3: job that I knew I didn't want anyway? And why 222 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,480 Speaker 3: did I sign up for a relationship that you know, 223 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:47,080 Speaker 3: anybody else can see from the outside as toxic as hell? Like, 224 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,439 Speaker 3: why did I sign up for that? So you don't 225 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 3: really get into that, and when and when, somehow they 226 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 3: don't magically throw dust on you and go, oh there 227 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,959 Speaker 3: you go, you walk out like discouraged and unhappy, and 228 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 3: you think, and not to mention it's expensive, right, You're like, Okay, 229 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,160 Speaker 3: what am I really getting out of this? And I 230 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,679 Speaker 3: think the other thing too, that's important to know is 231 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 3: that you know, to your point about you know, I was, 232 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 3: you know, my mom dying and I was twenty four. 233 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,319 Speaker 3: Our brains don't even fully developed to warn our mid 234 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 3: twenties exactly. Yeah. So it's like, you have all this 235 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 3: childhood trauma as a child, you don't know how to 236 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,719 Speaker 3: process it. And if you don't, if you're not parented 237 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,920 Speaker 3: by people who know how to walk you through that experience, 238 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 3: you're not processing it. It's staying right there inside of you, 239 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 3: and it's impacting the way you are dealing day to day. 240 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,079 Speaker 3: It's impacting the way you're having relationships even as a 241 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,360 Speaker 3: child eight ten, twelve, fourteen, eighteen. Who are you trusting? 242 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,559 Speaker 3: Who are you talking to? Who are you believing? Because 243 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,439 Speaker 3: of what you've witnessed that you couldn't process and your 244 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 3: brain's not fully developed, you're not fully online to do 245 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 3: any of that. So it's like, I think we put 246 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 3: a lot of pressure on ourselves and we think, oh, 247 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,560 Speaker 3: that happened, like when I was so young, Why am 248 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,520 Speaker 3: I not over it by now? Well, you're not over 249 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 3: it because you didn't know how to process it in 250 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 3: the first place, right, And you're not over it now 251 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,560 Speaker 3: because you haven't given yourself the space and the grace 252 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 3: to do so, which is, as you said, the really 253 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,440 Speaker 3: hard work of I got to unearth it. I got 254 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,320 Speaker 3: to walk back into the darkness like that's scary. That's 255 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,760 Speaker 3: really scary, you know. And that was a big thing 256 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,960 Speaker 3: why I wrote this book, because I wanted to write 257 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 3: the book I wish i'd had, So I wrote a 258 00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:28,920 Speaker 3: guide book for people. Yes, I include a lot of 259 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:32,719 Speaker 3: my own vulnerable stories and my bad breakup story from 260 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,000 Speaker 3: my thirties, you know, that rocked me so hard. I 261 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,200 Speaker 3: include all of that stuff because I want there to 262 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,320 Speaker 3: be like this, this almost like a roadmap, like come 263 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 3: with me on this and let me share what I did. 264 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 3: Because even though your stories aren't my story, we all 265 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 3: have a story. 266 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:55,679 Speaker 2: One hundred percent. I mean, you talk about that seventy 267 00:13:55,679 --> 00:13:58,679 Speaker 2: percent of adults in the US have experienced some type 268 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 2: of traumatic event at least once in their lives. And 269 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:05,840 Speaker 2: I think now anyone living who have lived through twenty twenty, 270 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 2: we all experienced a collective trauma of some sort because 271 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 2: the world shut down. So I am seeing more people 272 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 2: be opened to the idea of therapy, I think, than ever. 273 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:22,400 Speaker 2: And I'm also seeing people maybe not getting the exact 274 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 2: results exactly like you're talking about from those sessions and 275 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,440 Speaker 2: so then they stop. So let's talk a little bit 276 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 2: about that, because I know we've mentioned this before, the how's, 277 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 2: the whys, and the what, and I know this is 278 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 2: something that you really talk about a lot. I want 279 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 2: to know what you would tell listeners about the how, Like, 280 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,200 Speaker 2: how do we learn to utilize therapy as such an 281 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 2: essential tool that it's going to change our lives. 282 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 3: I think first of all, you have to trust and 283 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 3: you have to believe. I think so. I think so 284 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 3: much of it is we think, oh, well, we've been 285 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 3: in this for so long, there's this whole I had 286 00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 3: this as well. I mean, you just think that there's 287 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 3: this whole concept of like we take it on the chin. 288 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,120 Speaker 3: Oh you know that happened to me. Yeah, everybody's got 289 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,520 Speaker 3: a sad story, blah blah blah. But you know we're 290 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:11,280 Speaker 3: not meant here. We're not here just meant to have 291 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,960 Speaker 3: our sad story. We're actually here to like live a joyful, 292 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 3: happy life. And sure these other things happen. So I'd 293 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 3: say the how is you really have to understand and 294 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:26,400 Speaker 3: believe that there is there is a difference, There is healing, 295 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,000 Speaker 3: there is hope for you, there is there is something 296 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,960 Speaker 3: other than what you're in. And so to me, that 297 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 3: feels very much like I always had this sense, you know, 298 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,680 Speaker 3: like there's a sense of I'm so in this muck. 299 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 3: I don't know, I don't know how to necessarily get 300 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 3: out of it, but I know that there's something different 301 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:50,520 Speaker 3: out there, there's another way I can live. So I 302 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 3: think that I understanding that having this faith and belief 303 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,800 Speaker 3: that you are worthy of something else and I think 304 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,040 Speaker 3: going into therapy knowing that that it's going to be 305 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 3: hard work and then it's going to take some time, 306 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,080 Speaker 3: and there's going to have to be some truth on 307 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 3: the table. But I think it's this belief that you 308 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 3: are worth it and that it will pan out. 309 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 2: I love that you just said truth on the table, 310 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:18,400 Speaker 2: because that's the perfect transition to my next question. Another 311 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 2: thing I'm seeing is that I'll see people go to 312 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,680 Speaker 2: therapy and they're like, I'm like, well, did you tell your. 313 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,000 Speaker 3: Therapists about blah blah blah. 314 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 2: They're like, oh, no, I'm not going to tell my 315 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:30,480 Speaker 2: therapist that, And I'm like what Because for me, the 316 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:34,440 Speaker 2: only way that I really truly feel like therapy really 317 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 2: benefited me was I just laid all the cards on 318 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 2: the table. I'm like, I'm doing this, I'm doing this, 319 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 2: I'm picking this guy again, I'm doing I cannot stop, 320 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 2: Like just completely laid it out. I didn't really know 321 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,040 Speaker 2: any better, Like that was just what I thought to do, 322 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 2: And I'm like, this is a safe space. This person 323 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 2: can't tell anyone at this legally or whatever. I could 324 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 2: tell them whatever I want. And it ended up really 325 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 2: benefiting me though, because once all your cards are on 326 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,320 Speaker 2: the table. I think the therapists can see what they're 327 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 2: really working with. Do you see people doing what I 328 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:09,080 Speaker 2: just described where they're like, I'm gonna go in and 329 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:11,960 Speaker 2: I'm gonna kind of structure the things that I tell 330 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,440 Speaker 2: the therapists so they sound, you know, time up in 331 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 2: a Latin, nice, pretty bou kind of thing. 332 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 3: I definitely, well, I definitely did that myself, you know, 333 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,480 Speaker 3: and I've had friends over the years the same thing. 334 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 3: And and I think that's a by the way, kudos 335 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 3: to you though, for going in there and just laying 336 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 3: it out on the table. 337 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 2: I think that's so broken, you know, you just say, well, 338 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 2: no help. 339 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,919 Speaker 3: It's really brave. It's really brave, is what it is. 340 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 3: And it's very courageous. But it's also I think you 341 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 3: had that right. You had that sense of I don't 342 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 3: want this, I want this, so it takes me laying 343 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,679 Speaker 3: it on the table. I'm gonna lay it on the table. Yeah, 344 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,120 Speaker 3: so that's I think they go hand in hand. But yes, 345 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,000 Speaker 3: I absolutely see that. And I see it too that 346 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:59,119 Speaker 3: there's like a certain amount of shame around it. I 347 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,480 Speaker 3: see it as to like shame, like I don't want 348 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 3: to tell you that I was, you know, abused as 349 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,560 Speaker 3: a child, or I don't want to tell you that. 350 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,719 Speaker 3: I keep signing up, you know, for these guys who 351 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,600 Speaker 3: treat me like a b or C. I think that 352 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,320 Speaker 3: there's a certain amount of you you think, oh, that 353 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,880 Speaker 3: you want to believe that that has nothing to do 354 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,959 Speaker 3: with this, that that that your past has nothing to 355 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,040 Speaker 3: do with because that would give your past so much 356 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:25,120 Speaker 3: more power than you wanted to have. So I think 357 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,960 Speaker 3: that that that's what kind of like leads people into that, 358 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,240 Speaker 3: into that thing. And you know, shame is such a toxic, 359 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 3: toxic way to live in, that bound up and that shame, 360 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,200 Speaker 3: and and you're so right. When you go into a therapist, 361 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:40,320 Speaker 3: it's like it should be free game. I mean, it's 362 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,879 Speaker 3: like they are legally required to sit there and listen 363 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 3: to you and not tell anybody anything about what you 364 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,560 Speaker 3: talk about. So it is the safest space you could 365 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,520 Speaker 3: be talking with somebody who who By the way, it's 366 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,360 Speaker 3: like going to the gynecologists, right, you're akinocologist and you're like, oh, 367 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,320 Speaker 3: I don't know that I scoot down, scoot down, and 368 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 3: they see it all day, all right, nothing so different 369 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,200 Speaker 3: about yours. You're going to therapy. I kind of feel 370 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 3: like it's the same thing. They hear so much stuff 371 00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:09,960 Speaker 3: all day long. They're like, scoot down, let it out, 372 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,399 Speaker 3: go on. And so I think that we were so 373 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:17,920 Speaker 3: better served by having that courage and that it need 374 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,080 Speaker 3: sense that like this is my safe space. This is 375 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:24,800 Speaker 3: where I can tell somebody all the things that I 376 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 3: don't tell other people. And I think another big thing too, 377 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,199 Speaker 3: And I don't know if you've had this experience, is 378 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,879 Speaker 3: this whole idea of like you go in and you think, 379 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 3: and you show up with nut like you just show 380 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:40,399 Speaker 3: up like I have learned to work it, like I 381 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 3: will keep because I still go. You know, that's why 382 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:44,439 Speaker 3: you say, I hate to calling me a healing journey, 383 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 3: but you're right, there's nothing else to call it. It's 384 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,760 Speaker 3: a journey. I'm not healed. I'm still healing. No, so 385 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 3: if you think of a better term, let me know, 386 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:58,040 Speaker 3: but anyway, or a more unique term. Yeah, so, but 387 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,360 Speaker 3: it is. And so I still go therapy. And when 388 00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:03,199 Speaker 3: I go, I go in with like notes and like 389 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,520 Speaker 3: things I wrote out and I'm like, Okay, so here's 390 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,240 Speaker 3: what I want to talk about today, here's what I 391 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,400 Speaker 3: want to get into. Because yes, I was upset with 392 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,320 Speaker 3: my significant other, but really, when I started think about it, 393 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 3: I acted like twelve year old meat. Why did I 394 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,240 Speaker 3: act like twelve year old meat? Well, because he said 395 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,119 Speaker 3: this or what this and didn't tell me and I 396 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 3: felt abandoned. Can we talk about my abandonment issues? So 397 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,440 Speaker 3: it's like the more you go and the more self 398 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:37,159 Speaker 3: awareness you create around your triggers, around what upsets you really, 399 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,160 Speaker 3: what gets you going? In between your appointments and you 400 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,520 Speaker 3: start writing them out, keeping notes. I don't know if 401 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 3: you do that, but I find that's a great way 402 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,760 Speaker 3: to work therapy, like. 403 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,600 Speaker 2: After therapy, taking notes and keeping the notes of me. Yeah, yeah, 404 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,159 Speaker 2: I mean that's a great point because a lot of 405 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 2: times your therapist is going to give you these little nuggets, 406 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,359 Speaker 2: and yeah, you want to take them with you, but 407 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,720 Speaker 2: you get so many during a session you mind, remember, right? 408 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 3: Or how about between sessions when you're upset about something 409 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,800 Speaker 3: and you're like, oh, that's what I want to talk 410 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 3: to her or him about next time I go in, Right, 411 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 3: I want to get into that, like why was I 412 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,160 Speaker 3: so upset about that? You know? And that's another thing 413 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 3: that I have had people say to me about my 414 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 3: book is they're like, I've done the book. I've done 415 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,679 Speaker 3: all the journal prompts, the very chapter. And actually I 416 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 3: was on a book club call the at the night 417 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,480 Speaker 3: and some woman said to me, I've been in therapy 418 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,080 Speaker 3: twenty years and now I've read your book, and I'm like, wow, 419 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,200 Speaker 3: that's really insightful. Like maybe she'll take the book in 420 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,480 Speaker 3: and say, this is what I want to talk to 421 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,120 Speaker 3: you about. Right, if you can kind of like speed 422 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:40,119 Speaker 3: the process along by saying, do what you do, Kelly, Like, 423 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 3: here's all the stuff I want to lay on the table, 424 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,240 Speaker 3: it speeds up the process. 425 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,800 Speaker 2: I always say that because it's so interesting to me. 426 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:56,160 Speaker 2: First of all, I don't think saying I go to therapy. 427 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 2: I mean, I see why that would make you feel better, 428 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 2: but it's all so if you're not utilizing it or 429 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,480 Speaker 2: working it, like you're saying, it's a waste of time 430 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 2: and money really, so it's like you might as well 431 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,040 Speaker 2: just not do it. The other note that you've said 432 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,399 Speaker 2: a couple times that I want to just you know, 433 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,399 Speaker 2: point out to listeners. And something I've learned over the 434 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:17,680 Speaker 2: years is that we do try. It seems as humans 435 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,040 Speaker 2: to be like, no, it's this thing happening right now, 436 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,560 Speaker 2: like it's the breakup. Those were a lot of times 437 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 2: the catalyst for me as well of launching into some 438 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 2: of my own work. And really, like we really try 439 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,879 Speaker 2: to avoid that it was the thing from the past, 440 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,919 Speaker 2: or that it was the dynamics at our house or 441 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,159 Speaker 2: the families or the I mean, you can even go 442 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 2: to past lives if you want, depending on how spirit 443 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:41,359 Speaker 2: your spiritual beliefs, but we often try to sidestep that stuff, 444 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,560 Speaker 2: and it's like you can't because it all the root 445 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 2: is always that it always comes from that whatever is 446 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,120 Speaker 2: playing out in your adult life, in my experience, has 447 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,800 Speaker 2: been something from your past, and so unless you heal it, 448 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,160 Speaker 2: it's going to keep haunting you. So if you really 449 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,600 Speaker 2: want to heal it, do the. 450 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 3: Work for sure. For sure. Absolutely. 451 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,240 Speaker 2: Well let's talk about you mentioned the taking the notes. 452 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 2: Do you have any other tangible tips for listeners with 453 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:10,480 Speaker 2: the what like in between your therapy sessions. I know 454 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 2: you talk about this in the book a little bit, 455 00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:14,280 Speaker 2: but like, are there things that we can be doing 456 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 2: to really maximize the session or the work we are 457 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:19,720 Speaker 2: doing with our therapist. 458 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,440 Speaker 3: I love this idea of you know, creating more self 459 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:28,719 Speaker 3: awareness around you and your life and your relationships, and 460 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:33,919 Speaker 3: so it's almost like this idea of really kind of 461 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 3: examining your mental loop, like your narrative. Yeah, I learned 462 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,680 Speaker 3: so much about myself when I became very self aware 463 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:48,080 Speaker 3: of how I was talking to myself, and so I 464 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 3: love kind of stepping back and saying when I hear 465 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 3: negative things or I hear oh that's the way it is, 466 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,919 Speaker 3: or you know you could have done that better, or 467 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 3: whatever the mean things are you saying to yourself, stopping 468 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 3: yourself and understanding why you're doing that. Where's that coming from? 469 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 3: How do you stop it? Making notes about oh, you 470 00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,120 Speaker 3: know I have this negative this negative loop about this, 471 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 3: or I feel like I'm really challenged in love relationships here. 472 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:19,040 Speaker 3: So I really created I really created work and exercises 473 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:23,879 Speaker 3: and awareness in between sessions, and I talk a lot 474 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,159 Speaker 3: about this in the book too. I really tried a 475 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,600 Speaker 3: lot of other things as well, and I know, I 476 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,560 Speaker 3: know you're into that too. I looked at a very 477 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,639 Speaker 3: like holistic approach to therapy. I'm not I'm not just 478 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 3: a talk therapy girl. I believe in it. I believe 479 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,879 Speaker 3: there's a lot to it. But I also believe in 480 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,119 Speaker 3: a very holistic manner of healing. So for me, that was, 481 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,280 Speaker 3: you know, doing all kinds of other things. I did 482 00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:49,359 Speaker 3: holotropic breath work, I did some a lot of meditation 483 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,920 Speaker 3: I did, you know, just I mean emdr. There's all 484 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,679 Speaker 3: kinds of things I write about the book that you 485 00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,879 Speaker 3: can do that kind of unearthed deeper or wounds that 486 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,400 Speaker 3: I feel like maybe you don't get to in talk therapy, 487 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 3: you know. And then back to this whole idea too 488 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,360 Speaker 3: we talked about earlier with this like you're in survival 489 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:12,760 Speaker 3: mode when you're like that, your body is also so stressed, 490 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:18,960 Speaker 3: like your nervous system is completely out of lack and 491 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,879 Speaker 3: tired and bruised, and you're like, well, how do you 492 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 3: heal that? So there's like this whole thing you know, 493 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:26,479 Speaker 3: that you try to do in between therapy sessions of 494 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,879 Speaker 3: turning off that fight or flight relaxing, getting your nervous 495 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,119 Speaker 3: system to relax to you know, And there's there's so 496 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 3: many ways you can do that, but you really have to, 497 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 3: especially you've had a if you've had a lot of trauma, 498 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 3: a lot of child too, trauma, your your nervous system 499 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,359 Speaker 3: and your mind and your spirit they need a break. Yeah, 500 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,040 Speaker 3: so in between talk therapy, I would really try to 501 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,480 Speaker 3: do other modalities. 502 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. 503 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:53,640 Speaker 3: Well. 504 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 2: The book, as we mentioned, is called Rides Above the Story. 505 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,880 Speaker 2: Free yourself from the past and create the life you want. 506 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 2: I will put that in the just description of this 507 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 2: podcast for you guys, Karna, if there is a place 508 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:06,439 Speaker 2: or if listeners want to keep in touch with you, 509 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,159 Speaker 2: where would you say they can do that. 510 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,560 Speaker 3: My website is Rise Above Thestory dot com and they 511 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,400 Speaker 3: can find me on Instagram and social at Karna Killcoin 512 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,240 Speaker 3: Karna Killcoin. 513 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,320 Speaker 2: I will put that in the description of the podcast 514 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,520 Speaker 2: as well. Thank you so much for being here with us. 515 00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:24,160 Speaker 3: Thank you Kelly very much. I appreciate it. 516 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 2: Thank you guys for listening. 517 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,800 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, 518 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,480 Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet in a 519 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:35,680 Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty 520 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.