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Speaker 1: As a man. There was a certain responsibility that you

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Speaker 1: take on when you ask a woman to marry you,

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Speaker 1: especially if you ask her to have your children, And

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Speaker 1: that responsibility brings a lot of pressure and I just

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Speaker 1: feel like pressure. Buzz pipes, diamonds are made under pressure.

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Speaker 1: So you're welcome. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises.

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Speaker 1: You may know us from posting funny videos without boys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one

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Speaker 1: more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We

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Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Live's

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Speaker 1: most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: Do the lens of a millennium married couple? That ads

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Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead as, were actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about

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Speaker 1: to take billows off to our whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass starts right now. All right, So this story time

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Speaker 1: is presented to you. In the year two thousand and nine,

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Speaker 1: the recession hit. My father had lost his job, my

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Speaker 1: brother just graduated from college, and I had got cut

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Speaker 1: by the Cleveland Browns. At this point, this was the

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Speaker 1: year after I got cut by the Detroit Lines. Kadina

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Speaker 1: and I had moved back to Brooklyn officially, and we

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Speaker 1: were trying to figure out what we're gonna do. So

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Speaker 1: I remember my father, my brother, and I were in

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Speaker 1: the room. We were in my sister's tory room and

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Speaker 1: the door was closed, and my father was just like,

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Speaker 1: all right, listen, guys, things are gonna be tough, you know. Um.

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Speaker 1: At this point, the three of us were not working,

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Speaker 1: and this is the first time all three of us

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Speaker 1: had not been working. My brother, like I said, just

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Speaker 1: graduate from college. My father always kept two three jobs,

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Speaker 1: and I was in the NFL. So my father said, listen,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna take some money out of my phone one

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Speaker 1: k I'm gonna make sure that you're comfortable with about

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Speaker 1: your brother is comfortable, and I'm going to, you know,

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Speaker 1: kind of provide us with this little bit of space

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Speaker 1: so that we can kind of figure out what we're

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Speaker 1: gonna do next. And I was like, all right, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, are you guys good? You and mom? And

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Speaker 1: he was just like, don't don't worry about your mother.

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Speaker 1: I was like, what you mean, you know, like mommy works.

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Speaker 1: She was just like, don't he said, as a man,

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Speaker 1: you don't discuss finances with your wife. Your job as

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Speaker 1: a husband is to make sure that your wife is

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Speaker 1: at peace at all times. Your mom is not to

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Speaker 1: know what issues we have financially. You just work hard.

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Speaker 1: I trust you, I trust your brother will figure it out.

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Speaker 1: But don't disclose things to your mom. Let your mom

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Speaker 1: do what she does, and we have to figure it

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Speaker 1: out as men. And it was at that point that

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Speaker 1: I realized that there was a lot of pressure that

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Speaker 1: comes with being the head of the household. Is gonna

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Speaker 1: bless with the vote schools today. Me, me, me, me,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna get the before you already all right, hey

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Speaker 1: mm hmmm, uh, tell me what you want from me.

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Speaker 1: Take a look out what you see. Let me know

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Speaker 1: if it's right here. Something you can't have full years.

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Speaker 1: Tell me what you want from me. Take a look

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Speaker 1: out what you see. Let me know if it's right here,

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Speaker 1: something you can't have. Now. Want to see you doing good.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to get richly. In my eyes, you

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Speaker 1: the bad reason why I love you, because my stad

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Speaker 1: is you don't want to see me with a carriage

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Speaker 1: living average. Nah, you know, never that you're trying to

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Speaker 1: do the things, so we could be established trying to

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Speaker 1: old bars bars bars. Nonetheless, I guess we should take

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Speaker 1: it back the story time before we before I apply

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Speaker 1: this sure on you. Let me tell you how much

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Speaker 1: that word, that word has been hot lately, that word.

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Speaker 1: We've definitely put the word pressure back on the map.

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Speaker 1: It's like one of the turning the number eight or so. Yes,

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Speaker 1: so I hear, um, But but take us back to

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Speaker 1: story time, real QUI, because I feel like this is perfect.

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Speaker 1: This is the perfect segue for us to then unpack, uh,

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Speaker 1: this topic of pressure and the pressure that was felt

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Speaker 1: by you, um, the pressure applied by me, so to speak.

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Speaker 1: So take us from story time, and then I guess

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Speaker 1: we can segue into how that then manifests itself in

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Speaker 1: our soon to be married life back in our twenties. Well,

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Speaker 1: I mean, it's it's actually pretty simple, right. Um. Two

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Speaker 1: thousand and nine was the year that I had decided

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't going to play football anymore, and we

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Speaker 1: were going through the economic crisis. So, um, you and

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Speaker 1: I collectively had and I said collectively because even though

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Speaker 1: I was working, we were in this as a partnership. Oh,

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Speaker 1: we had lost a ton of money in the stock market. Um,

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Speaker 1: the houses that we bought, the property value was down

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Speaker 1: because the housing market burst, so all of the equity

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Speaker 1: that we had in the property was gone. So we

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Speaker 1: could now we couldn't even sell these properties to get

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Speaker 1: cash because we were upside down on the mortgage and

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Speaker 1: I wasn't working. So two thousand and nine, I'll never forget.

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Speaker 1: I woke up one morning. You were laying in the

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Speaker 1: bed next to me and you had a plan where

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Speaker 1: you had an appointment for us to go look at

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Speaker 1: the venue. And at this time I was still with

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Speaker 1: the Cleveland Browns. And I woke up that morning. It

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Speaker 1: was July. And I woke up that morning and I

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Speaker 1: got a phone call and I saw the Berea, Ohio

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Speaker 1: area code, and I kind of knew what this was

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Speaker 1: because I was expecting this. And I got a phone

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Speaker 1: call from the from the officer, Hey, d Val, you

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Speaker 1: know we're gonna have to let you go. We want

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Speaker 1: to sign some draft picks. So I said, cool, hung

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Speaker 1: up the phone And You're like, who was that? I said,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's um, it was the Browns. They just

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Speaker 1: cut me, and you were like, oh, damn, baby, I

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Speaker 1: know you didn't want to be there. I was, you know,

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Speaker 1: I didn't, And she's like, all right, well, we have

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Speaker 1: a venue to go look at, and I was like, damn,

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Speaker 1: I just lost my job and you want to go

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Speaker 1: look at at venues for the wedding. But if I

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Speaker 1: didn't say anything, I was like, all right, all right, cool, cool,

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Speaker 1: like all right, let's let's go look at these venues.

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Speaker 1: So I got my dumbass up and I went to

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Speaker 1: go look at venues with you and your mom like

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Speaker 1: everything was perfectly fine. Meanwhile, on the inside, I was

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Speaker 1: kind of like I don't know how I'm going to

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Speaker 1: make this happen because I wasn't working. And then I

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Speaker 1: remember we got back home and you and I sat

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Speaker 1: on your mom's couch and he was like, what do

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Speaker 1: you think about the venue? And I was just like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, Like I don't know, I don't I

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Speaker 1: kind of feel, you know, I think I might want

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Speaker 1: to wait, you know, I don't. I think I might

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Speaker 1: want to wait a little bit, you know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: to get married. And you were just kind of like,

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Speaker 1: what you mean? And I was just like I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think I just want to wait a little bit.

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Speaker 1: You don't want to wait. And then that's when you

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Speaker 1: said I want to get married next year. That felt

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Speaker 1: like pressure to me. And it wasn't an ultimatum. You

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Speaker 1: didn't say to me either we're getting married or next year,

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Speaker 1: or we're not getting married. You never said that. But

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Speaker 1: it was at this point that I realized, like gang,

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Speaker 1: like I did ask her to marry me. So I

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Speaker 1: made that that proposal, like I want to do this,

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Speaker 1: and I did want to do this. So there was

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Speaker 1: never the pressure to be married to me at all. No,

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Speaker 1: I see this, It was time frame. See this is

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Speaker 1: the thing. The pressure didn't come in actual marriage. I

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Speaker 1: had I bought a house for us to live in.

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Speaker 1: You were living with me full time, so I had

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Speaker 1: already said to you, you are the woman I want

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Speaker 1: to spend the rest of my life with. The idea

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Speaker 1: of marriage itself did not scare me as much as

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Speaker 1: providing the type of wedding and then financial security for

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Speaker 1: the rest of our life. Did that scared me? You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying that the idea of marriage itself

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Speaker 1: did scaring, But all of those other things and encompasses.

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Speaker 1: Being married scared me, and especially since I didn't have

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Speaker 1: a job and I didn't know where the finance were

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Speaker 1: going to come from. It was it was I was

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Speaker 1: kind of nervous, right, and I get that. And it's

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Speaker 1: funny because at the time, of course, like we've said now,

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Speaker 1: there was an impressure to be married to me, it

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Speaker 1: was just within the time constraints that you feel like

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Speaker 1: I gave you. So, you know, the things that I

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Speaker 1: asked for in terms of moving forward in the relationship

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Speaker 1: was that we'll be married, and we got engaged, and

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Speaker 1: to me, I was thinking, Okay, I'm like rolling into

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Speaker 1: my late twenties now. So in this again, like I

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Speaker 1: said previously, this timeline that I have in my head

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Speaker 1: of like what's transpiring in my life and where I

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Speaker 1: foresaw me being at these different points, it was rolling

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Speaker 1: around time to be married and have a baby, because

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Speaker 1: we had discussed that we've been together at that point

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Speaker 1: for eight years, so it was like the next thing

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Speaker 1: in succession should have been for us to be married

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Speaker 1: and also being around you know, our friends who were

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Speaker 1: also at the point either married, already married with at

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Speaker 1: least one child, engaged, you know, planning their wedding simultaneously.

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Speaker 1: We had a lot of couples who were getting married

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Speaker 1: around the same time, So for me, it just kind

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Speaker 1: of seemed like a natural succession. That was the first thing.

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Speaker 1: Was there immaturity in that, I will admit absolutely, because

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Speaker 1: in addition to the immaturity that I felt just being

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Speaker 1: like a twenty something year old kind of spoiled girl, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: my parents have afforded me a life that's been amazing

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Speaker 1: so far, and then now I found this amazing man

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Speaker 1: who I want to build a life with. There was

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Speaker 1: a level of codeine being a spoiled brat saying like, listen,

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Speaker 1: this is something that can happen, Like what do you mean.

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Speaker 1: I was living kind of in my own bubble. That

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Speaker 1: was my reality at the time. That maybe was not

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Speaker 1: your reality. Also too, the societal pressures, I would say

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Speaker 1: to meaning that they came kind of indirectly, but like

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Speaker 1: I said, having people around us who were married and

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Speaker 1: things like that, or knowing like you hear this biological

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Speaker 1: clock that ticks, which I know now years later that

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Speaker 1: that's not necessarily a thing because women are having children,

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Speaker 1: their first children, you know, well into their thirties. Some

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Speaker 1: people aspire not to have children. Like, there are many

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Speaker 1: different things that now I look back on and I'm like, wow, Codeine,

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Speaker 1: that was something that you just made up in your

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Speaker 1: own mind, or that's something that you were just you know,

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Speaker 1: looking at others around you doing that you felt like

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Speaker 1: you were behind on time, you know. Um, so that

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Speaker 1: was definitely something that I was looking into as well,

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Speaker 1: and I thought that that was like one of those things. Um.

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Speaker 1: It was one of those things where I was just like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I got to get it done now, um,

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Speaker 1: question real quick. You don't feel like, well, I mean,

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Speaker 1: you just admitted that it was you was kind of

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Speaker 1: selfish and it was immature. Absolutely, But you can't see

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Speaker 1: how that could feel like pressure to me. No, I

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Speaker 1: understand how it felt like pressure because you felt like, wow,

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Speaker 1: I've been now put all of this on my future husband,

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Speaker 1: my fiance to make it happen. But the crazy thing

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Speaker 1: about it, it was that based on your personality, based

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Speaker 1: on your work ethic, based on the type of person

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Speaker 1: you were or are actually because you're still this way

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Speaker 1: to this day, the relentlessness behind you, that unyielding work

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Speaker 1: work ethic to just do whatever it is you to do,

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Speaker 1: like you told me that you want to be in

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Speaker 1: the NFL. You were in the NFL. You told me

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Speaker 1: that you want to be an actor. You're an actor.

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Speaker 1: You were a full time working actor now. So having

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Speaker 1: that faith in you and you being cut from the Browns,

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Speaker 1: I actually just thought that was just part of the process.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, all right, well, you're cut from the Browns today,

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Speaker 1: but that's just the nature of the game. And if

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Speaker 1: you're cut today, chances are your agent's gonna find you

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Speaker 1: a place to be and you'll be signed somewhere tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: You know. There was even the perspective, I mean, the

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Speaker 1: possibility of you being signed to Canada, and I was like, well, shoot,

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Speaker 1: I guess I'm gonna be a Cannadian now, and we

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Speaker 1: moved to Canada and we'll have a life out there.

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Speaker 1: So I did not in that moment feel like, um,

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Speaker 1: although you felt pressure, I didn't feel like it was

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Speaker 1: pressure per se because you handled it so well. Um,

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Speaker 1: but like, why did you feel the pressure? I guess, well,

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Speaker 1: I mean for me, it's it's not just feeling the

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Speaker 1: pressure in that moment. There's pressure that exists in being

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Speaker 1: a husband daily, you know. But um, my father just

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Speaker 1: instilled in me from the time I was young that

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Speaker 1: it was my responsibility to remove all stress from my wife,

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Speaker 1: right and which I appreciate. I mean, I look at

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Speaker 1: your mom and your dad and how they move, and

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Speaker 1: it's just like your mom is. You know, she works

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Speaker 1: her job. She doesn't really have to worry about anything

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Speaker 1: else because your dad he handles it. You know that

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Speaker 1: he wasn't My grandfather was the same way like my

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Speaker 1: my grandfather. When my grandmother told me that my pop

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Speaker 1: used to come home when this check give her, she

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Speaker 1: handled everything she needs to handle with the kids and herself,

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Speaker 1: and whatever is left over he took for himself. So

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Speaker 1: he came home, he provided, he was a provider, He

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Speaker 1: made his money and took his family first. And so

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Speaker 1: it was instilled in me that that is what I

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Speaker 1: have to do for the rest of my life. You

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, when you ask a woman

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Speaker 1: to marry, you would have your kids. That is your responsibility.

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Speaker 1: And people can say whatever they want to say about

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Speaker 1: gender roles, and let's eliminate gender roles. There there's one

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Speaker 1: thing that a man can never take off the hands

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Speaker 1: of a woman, and that's having a baby. My father

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Speaker 1: said to me, if you're gonna ask the woman you

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Speaker 1: to have your children, it is your responsibility to make

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Speaker 1: sure that your finances cover everything, because what if she

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Speaker 1: decides she doesn't want to go back to work anymore?

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Speaker 1: What if she can't go back to work. So for me,

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Speaker 1: it was like, Okay, this is what you know. This

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Speaker 1: is what I'm at when I say I want to

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Speaker 1: marry Kadine. This is what I take on. You understand

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And just to put things into context.

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Speaker 1: When I got engaged, things were looking very different, you

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Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. When I got in two thousand

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Speaker 1: and eight, I had two hundred thousand dollars in my

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Speaker 1: bank account. I just bought a house for us to

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Speaker 1: live in. I moved you out there. We lived there

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Speaker 1: together inch again for two years. Um. I was number

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Speaker 1: three on the depth chart. So I was looking at

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna play out this season and possibly get a

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Speaker 1: big contract next season. Let's the mindset I had as

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Speaker 1: well too. I was like, oh kay, well, so when

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Speaker 1: I proposed, I was doing things in a place and

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Speaker 1: in order of financial consequence, I had put things in

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Speaker 1: place to make sure that we were good. So then

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Speaker 1: the next thing is to get married. Once all of

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Speaker 1: the finances changed, it kind of changed my order. So

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Speaker 1: it wasn't like I don't want to get married to

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Speaker 1: this woman anymore. It was like, can I do this

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Speaker 1: because I don't care what people say. People gonna people

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Speaker 1: get up here all day and be like, oh, it's

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Speaker 1: men and women are equal and not if your marriage

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Speaker 1: is messed up and y'all are suffering financially, you know who?

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Speaker 1: They look at the husband, I would say the same

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Speaker 1: thing I don't care for, dude is to stay at

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Speaker 1: home dad. And a woman is out there bussing her

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Speaker 1: tail right when things are not going well financially. They

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Speaker 1: look at him and say, yo, you gotta you gotta

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Speaker 1: pick up, like you have to do something. And I

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Speaker 1: embrace that because I can't have children, so I embraced that.

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Speaker 1: So for me at the time, when I said to you,

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Speaker 1: I think I might want to wait, and then you said, well,

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Speaker 1: I want to get married next year, that felt like pressure,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like on top of the

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Speaker 1: pressure that I already put on myself to be a provider.

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Speaker 1: And I don't necessarily think that pressure is a bad thing.

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Speaker 1: All the time, you know what I'm saying in sound

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Speaker 1: about you know sometimes pressure will you know, breed diamonds

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Speaker 1: and all sorts of good things, which it did in

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Speaker 1: our relationship, because I feel like we're at a space now,

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Speaker 1: I mean years later, of course we can reflect on it,

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Speaker 1: but in that moment, it's like the sense of urgency

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Speaker 1: that I have when I really think back on it

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Speaker 1: now with a very clear hindsight view, which we tend

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Speaker 1: to do with a lot of things in life. What

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Speaker 1: what was my rush? Ultimately, you know, that's what I was.

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Speaker 1: That's what I was asking. Bought a house for you

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Speaker 1: and moved you into Do I have what more I

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Speaker 1: have to do to prove to you that I want

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Speaker 1: to spend the rest of my life? Absolutely? The thing

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Speaker 1: is too you know. You know people have said that, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: Katine was just like telling you her standards and she

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Speaker 1: had standard and expectations, and that's just what she She

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Speaker 1: was letting you know that this is what she wanted.

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Speaker 1: I mean, it was to an extent it was me

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Speaker 1: telling you where I foresaw things going. But I could

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Speaker 1: have I could have also, I could have had the

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Speaker 1: mindset and the foresight to say, you know what, maybe

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Speaker 1: now it's at the right time. You could have you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe I could have been like that, it's at the

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Speaker 1: right time to just talk to this man about actual

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Speaker 1: wedding until he finds a job. I'm glad you said that,

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Speaker 1: now you know what I'm saying. I did not see

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Speaker 1: that in that time frame. Again, I'm coming from who

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Speaker 1: that was my fault though, the reason why you felt

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Speaker 1: like that that was my fault, I'll say, I'll say

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Speaker 1: that that's that's my fault. You ever let me know

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Speaker 1: that you felt that pressure. No, I didn't, And that's

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. It was my fault though, because my

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Speaker 1: father instilled in me to remove the pressure from my wife.

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Speaker 1: You have the conversation about it. We never because I

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Speaker 1: felt like my role as a husband was to be

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Speaker 1: that sense of peace. So if we're going through financial hardships,

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Speaker 1: I can't. I gotta figure that out on my own,

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Speaker 1: like my father instilled that into in me, and I

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Speaker 1: took that to heart and said, this is what I

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Speaker 1: got to make sure my wife gets everything she wants

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Speaker 1: and needs. That's my role, that's my job. So I

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Speaker 1: don't blame you for feeling like we can move forward

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Speaker 1: with doing things because I made you feel like it

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Speaker 1: was I didn't say, and that was my fault. That

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Speaker 1: was my fault. But I will say this though about

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Speaker 1: the bullshit thing. You know what's bullshit women saying all

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Speaker 1: she did was provide her standards and you can walk

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Speaker 1: away and not walk away. If I would have said

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Speaker 1: to you, right, I want to get married and I

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Speaker 1: want to have two kids right away, that's my standard.

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Speaker 1: Either you do that or we walk away, those same

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Speaker 1: women would be like she's pressuring on her to have

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Speaker 1: a baby, would they not? They probably would be. That's

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Speaker 1: so then you can't do that to people. You can't

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Speaker 1: say to people this is my standards. Accepted a walk

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Speaker 1: away when it's convenient for you, and then if if

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Speaker 1: he provides his standards, now what's all you're pressure on her?

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Speaker 1: You gotta learn how to because that's that's to me,

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Speaker 1: is where the bullshit sets in. Right. We have to

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Speaker 1: learn how to not only present our standards, but give grace.

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Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. You have to communicate these things.

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Speaker 1: Had you told me you felt that way, I know

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Speaker 1: you probably were, just like damn, I wish Kate could

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Speaker 1: just see what's happening and then no, like have the

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Speaker 1: the the ability or the capacity to say, you know

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Speaker 1: what I think now, it's not the right time. I

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Speaker 1: couldn't have known that because we didn't have the conversation

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Speaker 1: about it, you know what I mean. I gotta I

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Speaker 1: got to own that that was a mistake on my

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Speaker 1: part that I got to own that, you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying. I I the same way you can sit

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Speaker 1: here and own the fact that you have been a

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Speaker 1: little selfish and and naive. I got to own the

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Speaker 1: fact that I should have said something, but I didn't.

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Speaker 1: I was twenty five years old and you were just

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Speaker 1: doing what I was trying to be the best version

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Speaker 1: of the man, and I thought I was supposed to

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Speaker 1: be as a husband, which is bearing the brunt of

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Speaker 1: the finances like that, because because I did want to

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Speaker 1: marry you, and I wanted you to be happy, like

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Speaker 1: I just wanted you to be like when you walk

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Speaker 1: in the door, I want you to like, oh, I'm home,

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Speaker 1: this is my piece. I don't want you to have

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Speaker 1: to worry about anything when the light's gonna come on,

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Speaker 1: when we have money for this, Because for the first

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Speaker 1: five years of our marriage, when we were living paycheck

390
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Speaker 1: to paycheck. I never brought these issues to you. I

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Speaker 1: found ways. I took on another job I picked up

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Speaker 1: when I was here. I did that because that's what

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Speaker 1: it entailed. But those are the pressures that I took

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Speaker 1: on as a husband and I still take on today. Well,

395
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Speaker 1: there was a point to after our wedding if we

396
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Speaker 1: fast forward a bit you had told me about, like

397
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Speaker 1: is either we're gonna get this wedding or we're gonna

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Speaker 1: get this house in Brooklyn, like is what we're gonna do,

399
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Speaker 1: and me again being in my own world and being

400
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Speaker 1: self saying like, well, we already owned two properties. If

401
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Speaker 1: we wanted to get a house later, we can sell

402
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,040
Speaker 1: those properties by a house, So let's do the wedding now,

403
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Speaker 1: because that was just on my to do list that

404
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,240
Speaker 1: had to check that box. And there was the excitement

405
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,000
Speaker 1: building around that, you know, um and then me too

406
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Speaker 1: just being immature, not having the force ID to say

407
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Speaker 1: what comes after that. But there was the point after

408
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Speaker 1: our wedding and after things set in for that first

409
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Speaker 1: year where it was just like, Okay, I'm not playing

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Speaker 1: football anymore, Cadine, Like I'm retiring, And I was like

411
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Speaker 1: what that caught me off? Guard because I was like,

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Speaker 1: I felt like you didn't barely you barely scratch the

413
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Speaker 1: surface of your potential as an NFL player. So for

414
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,920
Speaker 1: you to say you were retiring from that to then

415
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Speaker 1: pursue acting, I was like, but you didn't even finish

416
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Speaker 1: doing what you were doing over here, you know. So

417
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Speaker 1: once that happened, you were like, Okay, so you're not

418
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Speaker 1: going back to the NFL. That's that's out of the question.

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Speaker 1: Now you want to become an actor, and you had

420
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,679
Speaker 1: said to me, Kay, I know I can't be a

421
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Speaker 1: starving actor, So I'm going to start this mentorship business,

422
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,280
Speaker 1: this training business, and I'm going to build from the

423
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Speaker 1: ground up so that way I have income coming in.

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Speaker 1: And that's when the conversation started to happen about where

425
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:04,480
Speaker 1: we were. Well at that point I had to I

426
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,840
Speaker 1: had to have those conversations because the money wasn't coming in.

427
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,520
Speaker 1: It really wasn't coming in. And at that point I

428
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,040
Speaker 1: was just like, well, damn, I'm sitting at home here.

429
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,600
Speaker 1: You were just like, yo, I think you should go

430
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,359
Speaker 1: down to like the mac counter because you were working

431
00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:16,720
Speaker 1: part time in Michigan, like, see if they're hiring, And

432
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,359
Speaker 1: I was like, you know, what you're right, absolutely, and

433
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,960
Speaker 1: that's when I, you know, picked up my brush belt,

434
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,919
Speaker 1: put on my all black beat my face, got on

435
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,840
Speaker 1: the bus and went down to the mall and was like, yo,

436
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,520
Speaker 1: I'm here to work because what I learned during that

437
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,800
Speaker 1: time was and this is what I didn't I didn't

438
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,879
Speaker 1: want to put it on you, but I realized that

439
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,040
Speaker 1: I had a partner who was willing to jump in

440
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,440
Speaker 1: when needed. You understand what I'm saying, And it's easier

441
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:46,440
Speaker 1: to include your partner with making decisions because two heads

442
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,399
Speaker 1: are always better than one. Um. I tried my hardest

443
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,119
Speaker 1: in the very beginning to handle everything on my own,

444
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,200
Speaker 1: and that pressure, you know what I'm saying. That pressure

445
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,879
Speaker 1: became overwhelming at times, which is why you and I

446
00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,840
Speaker 1: struggled a lot in the first part of my marriage.

447
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,200
Speaker 1: But you helped out and I figured out the rest

448
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,800
Speaker 1: on my own, because, like you said, pressure doesn't only

449
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:10,280
Speaker 1: bust pipes, but pressure creates diamonds. Right. If you think

450
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,160
Speaker 1: about all of the elite athletes in the world, they're

451
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:17,280
Speaker 1: not defined by their ability to avoid pressure. They're defined

452
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,480
Speaker 1: by their ability to perform underneath pressure. Right. So for me,

453
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:26,080
Speaker 1: when you gave me the you're I'm not gonna say ultimatum.

454
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,439
Speaker 1: But when you gave me your standards, it created pressure

455
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,920
Speaker 1: for me. I could either rise to the pressure, take

456
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 1: it on and handle it, or I could say now

457
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 1: I'm out and run. But I chose to deal with

458
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,440
Speaker 1: the pressure and make sh it happen. And I made

459
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,439
Speaker 1: it happen. And I handled the pressure very well for

460
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,680
Speaker 1: the first five years, and even better now because we

461
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,399
Speaker 1: made it ten years together. But I'm still not going

462
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,240
Speaker 1: to back down and say you didn't pressure me. I

463
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: felt like it was pressure to get married when you

464
00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,560
Speaker 1: wanted to get married. But it was the best decision

465
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:55,840
Speaker 1: I made. And I said that before and I'll say

466
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 1: it again. It was the best decision I made because

467
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,000
Speaker 1: it showed me that I can make things happen even

468
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,680
Speaker 1: when it's not on my timeline, and even in my

469
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,439
Speaker 1: own little timeline that I had back then. If we

470
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,479
Speaker 1: had had the candid discussion where you were like, hey, like,

471
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,359
Speaker 1: I'm trying to really juggle a couple of things here,

472
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,160
Speaker 1: I'm debating about not even playing football anymore. So if

473
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,320
Speaker 1: that's the case, we're going to have to scale our

474
00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:19,160
Speaker 1: lifestyle back. We're gonna have to do I mean though

475
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,199
Speaker 1: we weren't living a frivolous lifestyle to begin with, we

476
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,879
Speaker 1: had a lot of money invested that we lost in

477
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,320
Speaker 1: the stock market and whatnot. So if you had had

478
00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 1: the conversation with me early on, it was just like, yo,

479
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,000
Speaker 1: I know you're excited about this wedding. I proposed to

480
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,159
Speaker 1: you because I have every intention of being married to you,

481
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,879
Speaker 1: but I just don't feel like right now is the

482
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,879
Speaker 1: time to have a wedding. Chances are I would have

483
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,760
Speaker 1: been able to say, all right, well I see where

484
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 1: you're coming from, and then maybe pivot at that point.

485
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:43,360
Speaker 1: Can I be honest with you? You don't see your

486
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,440
Speaker 1: face when there's things that I say that I cannot do,

487
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,280
Speaker 1: and I hate looking at that. I hate looking at

488
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,119
Speaker 1: your face when you have that face, that disappointment, that

489
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,719
Speaker 1: disappointment you have when when you say when you say

490
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,119
Speaker 1: you want to do something that I'm like, well, we

491
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,280
Speaker 1: can't do that. I don't want to see that. And

492
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,399
Speaker 1: that's not like a bat like your face is. It's

493
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,760
Speaker 1: just as a man, I want to be able to

494
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: give you all the things that you you want and

495
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 1: deserve a out of life. I don't want to look

496
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,240
Speaker 1: at that face I want to find that I didn't

497
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 1: even know I have a face. Now I got to

498
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 1: go look at the face that I make. You got,

499
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,720
Speaker 1: you gotta face, You gotta face. It's the same face

500
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,879
Speaker 1: you had when you and I started going through the

501
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,879
Speaker 1: itemized list of the American Express car and that was guilt.

502
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,600
Speaker 1: That was the same It's the same face that you had.

503
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,479
Speaker 1: That is guilt. That's a kid being caught with their

504
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 1: hand in the cookie job when they know they're not

505
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,160
Speaker 1: supposed to be having no cookies. Well, listen, that's that.

506
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 1: That face is the face that as a man, I

507
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:39,760
Speaker 1: don't want. But listen, you taught me so much about

508
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 1: finances and life in real estate, Like these are things

509
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 1: that I wasn't privy too because my parents they pretty

510
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,440
Speaker 1: much worked together to handle those things, you know what

511
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,440
Speaker 1: I mean. And my dad very much was the guy

512
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 1: that was just like, all right, well, you know, I'm

513
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,800
Speaker 1: going to make sure my kids have a roof over

514
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,359
Speaker 1: their head and they have food on their table. My

515
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,800
Speaker 1: mom bust her tail to work to get, you know,

516
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,879
Speaker 1: to help with the finances, to be able to afford

517
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:03,880
Speaker 1: these different lifestyle luxuries, like just being involved in extracurricular activities,

518
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,439
Speaker 1: things like that. So my parents weren't really letting me

519
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,800
Speaker 1: know about like finances and real real estate and credit.

520
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,879
Speaker 1: I remember when I turned parents talk about finances. Oh god,

521
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 1: do they look quick? Do they talk about finances? Do

522
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,200
Speaker 1: they argue about finances? Do they discuss each other finances? No,

523
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:24,359
Speaker 1: my my parents. No. My dad handles it to my parents.

524
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 1: And I think that that's part of the that's part

525
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,720
Speaker 1: of the problem, the biggest disconnect, that's the biggest disconnect,

526
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,840
Speaker 1: and that that, to me is what I've learned with

527
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,879
Speaker 1: me and you and then finances caused so much residual

528
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,440
Speaker 1: stress because of the things that are not discussing people

529
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,600
Speaker 1: being on the same page, even within a relationship. See,

530
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 1: and I can't I can't blame you, And this is

531
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,119
Speaker 1: this is just me being honest. I can't blame you

532
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,040
Speaker 1: for telling me the things you want and the things

533
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,600
Speaker 1: you need and me saying all right, I got it,

534
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,119
Speaker 1: and then feeling the pressure of it. You know what

535
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,080
Speaker 1: I'm saying, I can't blame you for that, and I

536
00:24:57,119 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 1: don't mind it. I'll take the pressure on, but I'm

537
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,399
Speaker 1: not going to say to this not pressure. But I

538
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:06,360
Speaker 1: will say that you and not have grown since six

539
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 1: year old immensely saying we've grown a lot, and now

540
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,280
Speaker 1: those discussions are a lot more of a collective discussion, no,

541
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,640
Speaker 1: for sure, And there's a comfort I feel like you

542
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,600
Speaker 1: feel and I hope I've made that um a space

543
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,119
Speaker 1: for you to feel comfortable saying Okay, like I know

544
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,800
Speaker 1: we want to do this, we have aspiration to do this,

545
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: that or the third, but we can't right now. But

546
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,720
Speaker 1: here's how we can do it. I think one thing

547
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 1: that's been great about you is that you've been able

548
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 1: to really You're everything is resolution based, you know what

549
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 1: I mean. Like you don't go into anything saying like, well,

550
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,960
Speaker 1: here's the problem. I don't know, it's like, okay, here's

551
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,440
Speaker 1: how we can potentially solve it. And I've learned to,

552
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 1: even me being a pessimist, I feel like for so long,

553
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,879
Speaker 1: like thinking about the thinking about the how things can

554
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,560
Speaker 1: go wrong, or thinking about the not so bright side,

555
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,000
Speaker 1: you always usually come with a plan. It's like, all right, well,

556
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 1: if you want to get this, then here's how we

557
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 1: have to go about getting that, you know what I mean.

558
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,400
Speaker 1: So I think that's something that's right. So it now

559
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,880
Speaker 1: I feel like if we fast forward to the current time.

560
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:08,720
Speaker 1: Do you continue to still feel pressure? And do I

561
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:13,320
Speaker 1: make you? What kind of question is that? Okay my question?

562
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 1: You all got to reframe it. Yes, so I still

563
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 1: you still feel pressure from me? Alright, middle middle of

564
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,400
Speaker 1: the middle of the podcast, storytime, middle of the podcast.

565
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,359
Speaker 1: We got a double story time to day. I'm gonna

566
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,199
Speaker 1: take you back three months. You and I go to

567
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 1: look at a house. Right, you go to look at

568
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 1: the house. You're like, baby, I love this house. This

569
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 1: is the house. I want this house I want. Right,

570
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,639
Speaker 1: I call my financial advisor, I'm like, this is the

571
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 1: house Kame wants. Can we make this happen? He says, well,

572
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:43,840
Speaker 1: they already put an offer in. We would have to

573
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 1: put in an offer. You would have to get pre approved.

574
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: That's gonna take some time. You may not be able

575
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,080
Speaker 1: to get pre approved in twenty four hours, so you

576
00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:52,960
Speaker 1: may not get this house. Right. And then I told

577
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 1: you that, And what did you do for like a

578
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,840
Speaker 1: whole weekend? No, it was not a weekend. It was

579
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:02,920
Speaker 1: like an initial It was initially it was just like, damn,

580
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,239
Speaker 1: we're going to find another one, this perfect ship. Now

581
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 1: we gotta get our ship together. But what did I do? Though?

582
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 1: You kept looking and we got our ship together. We

583
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,280
Speaker 1: got our ship together, but you pouted and you kept

584
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,440
Speaker 1: looking at the house, saying pending every day. And then

585
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,040
Speaker 1: finally once the household users like yep, up my house

586
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,440
Speaker 1: off the market now now my house now, I'm never

587
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,199
Speaker 1: gonna get out I did. I was like, it can

588
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:25,359
Speaker 1: go from penning to back on the market at any

589
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,399
Speaker 1: point and then we'll have our ship together. We can

590
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:31,680
Speaker 1: do this so that you do want a nice house

591
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,439
Speaker 1: and the house I do. But and this is and

592
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 1: this is my point. Does the pressure exist? Yes, because

593
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,920
Speaker 1: I feel like the pressure. The minute the pressure was

594
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,280
Speaker 1: gone and I feel like that I've got everything taken

595
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,960
Speaker 1: care of under control is when I've lost it. Same

596
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,040
Speaker 1: thing in football, The minute you think you've got everything

597
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,240
Speaker 1: done is when you start playing bad. There has to

598
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 1: be a sense of urgency and a little bit of

599
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,160
Speaker 1: an anxiety to keep you on your game. You gotta

600
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 1: have that chip on your shoulder. So that pressure that

601
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,240
Speaker 1: existed in the beginning for me still exists here because

602
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:02,880
Speaker 1: I still want to create that lifestyle and sustain it.

603
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 1: It's not candein inflicted, though, is it. That's that's the question, Like,

604
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,639
Speaker 1: is it codine inflicted or is it something that you

605
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,919
Speaker 1: No, no no, no, no, you didn't you didn't ask. No,

606
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,199
Speaker 1: you didn't ask if you inflicted. You just asked. If

607
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: there's still pressure, Yes, there's pressure, right, I guess it's

608
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:17,119
Speaker 1: a two part I want to know what pressure you

609
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,840
Speaker 1: feeling in from where, so you know how to control

610
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 1: the pressure. I mean you, you you put some pressure,

611
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:24,159
Speaker 1: but you also relieve a lot of pressures. You do

612
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: a good job of relieving the pressure. But no, the

613
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 1: pressure comes from me wanting to be great at being

614
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,560
Speaker 1: a husband, like I want to be great at being

615
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 1: a husband father. So every day I wake up, I

616
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 1: wake up saying, okay, well you know what what can

617
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,960
Speaker 1: I do? Like what I can't? There's no off days

618
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 1: for me being a husband. You know what I'm saying,

619
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 1: And not for nothing. That goes back to what we

620
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 1: discussed before. When I hear you say what, I hear

621
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:54,360
Speaker 1: people say, Oh, she's just tired. Oh she's just tired,

622
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,800
Speaker 1: give her a break. I don't feel like I ever

623
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 1: get a chance to say, you know what, babe, I'm tired.

624
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:00,040
Speaker 1: I'm I don't want to pay the mortgage for a

625
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,400
Speaker 1: little bit. I'm tired. I don't I don't want to

626
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 1: pay the car note for a little bit, Like I

627
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:05,760
Speaker 1: just I don't want to do that right now? Can

628
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 1: I just can I get a break? Like I don't

629
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 1: feel like I have that leniency or that latitude to

630
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: make those decisions. And I feel like that's on me

631
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 1: all the time. And I accept that. I wear it

632
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 1: with a badge of honor because like I said before,

633
00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,800
Speaker 1: I can't have children. You know what I'm saying. You

634
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 1: were the vessel of life for our legacy, which is

635
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 1: out three boys. I get that. I get that, and

636
00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,280
Speaker 1: I give you grace for that, but that doesn't but

637
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,320
Speaker 1: that doesn't try to make my workload a lot lighter

638
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,840
Speaker 1: so and and that doesn't that doesn't make it easier

639
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:40,280
Speaker 1: for me to deal with the fact that it still

640
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,960
Speaker 1: is a lot of pressure for me because that mortgages

641
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 1: do the first of the month, the Cardinals do, the

642
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,320
Speaker 1: AMAX bill is due, Like those are things that are

643
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,800
Speaker 1: never gonna go away, and I can never at any

644
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 1: point in our marriage. But you know what, I'm just tired.

645
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,560
Speaker 1: I don't I don't feel like doing it. So it's

646
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:58,640
Speaker 1: pressure that comes with that. I do feel though, like

647
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:00,680
Speaker 1: if you ever said to me, K I need I

648
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 1: need some time that I would totally just jump right

649
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,200
Speaker 1: in and be like, all right, well what I gotta do,

650
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:05,680
Speaker 1: and then I would just like pick up the slack,

651
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I think that's that's what

652
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 1: the partnership is about. For sure. I want to make

653
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 1: sure you feel comfortable being able to say that, because

654
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,440
Speaker 1: I know you want to be all of that and

655
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,080
Speaker 1: more and you know have things under control and you

656
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:18,959
Speaker 1: have things taken care of. But at the same time too,

657
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:20,960
Speaker 1: I would like for you to also let me know

658
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 1: years ago if you were in a moment where you

659
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 1: felt like, you know what, I just can't. I don't mind,

660
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: I don't mind letting you know. But to be honest,

661
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: you can't do what I do with consistency, especially with

662
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 1: all the other things you have to do. You know

663
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, It's right, like I admit that I

664
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:44,520
Speaker 1: ain't offering. I'm just saying. I'm like, I'm just being honest.

665
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,080
Speaker 1: It's true. I helped take care of Jackson, kyron Kas

666
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 1: cook when I have to clean when I have to,

667
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 1: I maintain all of the bills. I produce your content.

668
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:55,920
Speaker 1: I produce my content. I moved your mom in like

669
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,520
Speaker 1: I do all of these things. If I just one

670
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:00,040
Speaker 1: day said I just don't feel like doing it, you

671
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,680
Speaker 1: got to take over. There's no way you could do

672
00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:03,600
Speaker 1: all of that, you know what I'm saying. Like the

673
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,160
Speaker 1: same way, there's no way you can just say I'm

674
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 1: tired of being a mom and a wife and take

675
00:31:08,640 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 1: everything and step away. You can't do that. I can't

676
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:12,960
Speaker 1: and I can't. And the thing is we have to

677
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:16,520
Speaker 1: respect the fact that there that we can't do that.

678
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,320
Speaker 1: And that leads me to my question, like, do you

679
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,320
Speaker 1: feel that there are pressures you feel I'm about to say,

680
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:23,240
Speaker 1: do you feel like there's pressures you feel? As a wife?

681
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 1: Me tell you my precious pressures. Um. No, I do

682
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:34,040
Speaker 1: feel immense anounce of pressure. Um. A lot of it

683
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: rooted around just trying to be or trying to be

684
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:41,040
Speaker 1: everything that you need me to be. And that's where

685
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel a level of, like I'll always say,

686
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 1: a level of inadequacy or a level of falling short

687
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,240
Speaker 1: because I feel like I am not doing everything to

688
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:55,080
Speaker 1: meet your needs set Um. Some of it is sexually,

689
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 1: some of it is just like you know, sometimes you

690
00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 1: have your moments where you're like, man, I just miss

691
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 1: like K from back in the day that dated me,

692
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 1: you know, in college, Like think about the utopia that

693
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:08,160
Speaker 1: was college that we were existing in with no responsibilities

694
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:11,440
Speaker 1: really you know, minimal um and we had what we

695
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 1: felt like was all the time in the world to

696
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: just completely be you know, embedded in each other and

697
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:20,240
Speaker 1: in bed with each other. Yea um. But we had

698
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 1: so many moments like that where you know, I missed that.

699
00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes you missed that sometimes where you're like, hey, I

700
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:28,560
Speaker 1: just missed my girlfriend K that was kind of just

701
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 1: care free and didn't have a lot on her shoulders

702
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: and her fate. But then again, you know, this is

703
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,920
Speaker 1: what life is. We've now grown three beautiful children, you know,

704
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,240
Speaker 1: grown our relationship. We have a beautiful life. I totally cannot,

705
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: you know, ask for more when it comes to that.

706
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:45,360
Speaker 1: But I do feel the pressure sometimes of trying to

707
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:47,840
Speaker 1: be what it is you need me to be sexually,

708
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,200
Speaker 1: what it is you need to be physically, what it

709
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:52,920
Speaker 1: is you need me to be emotionally sometimes like those

710
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: are things that are are also on my plate on

711
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 1: a day to day basis, and those are things that

712
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:58,840
Speaker 1: I kind of give myself a measure of, like where

713
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 1: I am with it. Do I do get down on

714
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 1: myself sometimes about it. I do because I feel like,

715
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 1: you know, if I'm falling short of being what you

716
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 1: need and you're always an overdrive trying to give me

717
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 1: everything that I need and more, then I'm falling short.

718
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:15,120
Speaker 1: And and there's an immense amount of pressure that comes

719
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 1: with that too, you know. So let me answer a question.

720
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,320
Speaker 1: When it came time to get married, you didn't feel

721
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:21,120
Speaker 1: no pressure of being a wife like I felt the

722
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 1: pressure of being a husband. I honestly, and this I'm

723
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: just gonna tell you what I feel. But I feel

724
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:30,160
Speaker 1: like you were so caught up in the wedding that

725
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,120
Speaker 1: you didn't even think about the pressures of being a

726
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:35,040
Speaker 1: wife until after the wedding and the honeymoon was Yeah, exactly,

727
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 1: It's like, Okay, I'm gonna have this big, amazing, beautiful

728
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 1: day and then we're gonna just live happily ever after.

729
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:40,960
Speaker 1: Like usually in fairy tales too, you see, like the

730
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:42,880
Speaker 1: big wedding day and then it says happily ever after,

731
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 1: But what exactly is the happily ever after? Nobody goes

732
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 1: into that in detail. So when it was when I

733
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,680
Speaker 1: was twenty something, you know, looking to be married. I

734
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:52,960
Speaker 1: thought like certain things were just gonna happen because it's

735
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:56,240
Speaker 1: just how it happened. And now because nobody teld me.

736
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,240
Speaker 1: Nobody told me, and I said that before in the

737
00:33:58,240 --> 00:34:00,960
Speaker 1: monogamy episode, I'm like, I did not know a lot

738
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,120
Speaker 1: of the things that we're gonna we're gonna go into marriage,

739
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,560
Speaker 1: and how much it is like a day to day work,

740
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 1: you know, waking up, making the commitment, making the decision

741
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:11,120
Speaker 1: to be there, Like, I did not know that that's

742
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,959
Speaker 1: what went into marriage, But that, to me, is where

743
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,680
Speaker 1: a lot of the discconnects started with us. I feel

744
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,880
Speaker 1: like when they came time to think about getting married,

745
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: you were focused on the wedding. I was focused on

746
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,920
Speaker 1: the marriage. So there was pressure because you were prepared

747
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:26,759
Speaker 1: for that, because that's something your father always told you.

748
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:28,319
Speaker 1: He was like, and because I had to pay for

749
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 1: the weather, is it? Yeah, you were focused on having

750
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,560
Speaker 1: fun at a wedding, but I had to pay for it. Yeah, exactly.

751
00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:35,719
Speaker 1: So my mom and dad too, but they helped, but

752
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,239
Speaker 1: they didn't pay the bulk of it. You know. I

753
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 1: paid the bulk of it out of my my savings

754
00:34:40,680 --> 00:34:44,960
Speaker 1: from the NFL. But it's it's just like you and

755
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:51,439
Speaker 1: I came to this partnership focused on different things at

756
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 1: that point. Absolutely, And it's funny when people say, particularly women,

757
00:34:56,120 --> 00:35:00,520
Speaker 1: say how could he feel pressure? But it's like you

758
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,840
Speaker 1: didn't feel pressure because I didn't let you feel any pressure.

759
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:07,920
Speaker 1: I handled everything. But while handling everything, including finances and

760
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:11,439
Speaker 1: stuff like that, the funniest thing was sex wasn't even

761
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 1: on my radar at that point, you know what I'm saying,

762
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:18,440
Speaker 1: Like the pressure for me wasn't even coming from the

763
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 1: idea of being monogamys. It wasn't turned on my dead

764
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 1: and being broke. No, not at all, not at all.

765
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:28,960
Speaker 1: Because this is the thing. If I was that interesting,

766
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:31,840
Speaker 1: if I was that focused concerned about monogamy, I wouldn't

767
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,320
Speaker 1: have bought a home when I got to the league

768
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 1: and moved you out there to live with me. I

769
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 1: would have let you stay in New York and I

770
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: would have just been in in Detroit with my own space,

771
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: living my life. But I had moved you out there

772
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:46,319
Speaker 1: because that I had already decided that monogamy was the

773
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,600
Speaker 1: best part for me, you know what I'm saying, Like,

774
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,239
Speaker 1: monogamy to me was great because of what we can do.

775
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,719
Speaker 1: We talked about this on another sex episode about how

776
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:57,919
Speaker 1: part of the reason why I love monogamy is because

777
00:35:57,960 --> 00:35:59,880
Speaker 1: I'm a freak and you were freak. The things I

778
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,760
Speaker 1: want to do with the woman that I'm sharing this

779
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 1: intimate moment with, I can't just do with somebody I

780
00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 1: don't know, you know what I'm saying, Like, I just

781
00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:10,680
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable. Yeah, I don't. I don't like germs,

782
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,480
Speaker 1: at don't. I don't like germs, and I don't like contraceptive.

783
00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:17,000
Speaker 1: So since I don't like contraceptive, it's better for me

784
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:18,960
Speaker 1: and it's better for you to be with one person.

785
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,840
Speaker 1: So there are reasons why I chose monogamy. But the

786
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,600
Speaker 1: pressure on top of all of that was the fact

787
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:31,880
Speaker 1: that financially, marriage is a big step. And when you

788
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 1: came thinking about the wedding and I was focused on

789
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,280
Speaker 1: the marriage, it brought pressure to me. That's the problem,

790
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,920
Speaker 1: and I will be the first to admit it. And

791
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:41,719
Speaker 1: I don't think a lot of people feel that way now.

792
00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 1: I mean, think about the age that we're in now,

793
00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,480
Speaker 1: even just for social media, every photo shoot, every event,

794
00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,719
Speaker 1: every life event, it's almost like a contest to see

795
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:52,720
Speaker 1: who can now do the last person's viral post about

796
00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:55,160
Speaker 1: a wedding. Imagine trying to get married now in this

797
00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 1: day and age. Think about this, not only just the wedding, right,

798
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:02,279
Speaker 1: even when you propose, what does the woman bring to

799
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:06,960
Speaker 1: the proposal herself? What does the man have to bring

800
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,920
Speaker 1: to the proposal? A ring and an event around the

801
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:13,799
Speaker 1: ring to make the women feel special. So who has

802
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:17,759
Speaker 1: to put more energy into that moment? The woman of

803
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,440
Speaker 1: the man. So when it's time to make that decision,

804
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:22,320
Speaker 1: you don't just get the chances that I want to

805
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 1: be engaged. Boom, I'm engaged. Like men don't have to

806
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 1: do that, Like like women don't have to do that.

807
00:37:27,360 --> 00:37:29,920
Speaker 1: Men have to do that. And you have to choose

808
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,800
Speaker 1: to step up to the plate a man who chooses

809
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:34,480
Speaker 1: to step up to the plate. You got to choose

810
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,680
Speaker 1: to step up to that plate every day after that.

811
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:39,680
Speaker 1: Once you get on your knee, that same pressure you

812
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:41,440
Speaker 1: felt to get on your knee, because remember how nervous

813
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:43,279
Speaker 1: I was. Yeah, well, I didn't know how to see

814
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:44,560
Speaker 1: you because I don't know you were preparing for it.

815
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,520
Speaker 1: So I didn't really necessary you camouflage that really well too,

816
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:50,240
Speaker 1: because I didn't know what was happening. Bro I was capping.

817
00:37:50,320 --> 00:37:52,799
Speaker 1: I was capping, and and the thing it was, I

818
00:37:52,880 --> 00:37:54,880
Speaker 1: was capping because I was just afraid for what I

819
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,440
Speaker 1: was not going to be able to deliver. That's all

820
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,520
Speaker 1: it was. I knew I met the woman I want

821
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:01,480
Speaker 1: to spend the us to my life. But I knew that,

822
00:38:01,520 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 1: but it's just like, can I do this? So it

823
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:07,240
Speaker 1: was amazing though that you took like that. It meant

824
00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:10,399
Speaker 1: that much to you to do it because you knew

825
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:12,440
Speaker 1: the kind of life that you wanted to then provide

826
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,759
Speaker 1: for me and yourself. You know, there may be people

827
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:17,680
Speaker 1: who are just like, well, I'm just you know, give

828
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,359
Speaker 1: it this engagement ring, because that's what she'd been wanting.

829
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 1: She's she's been racking with me. So we'll take it

830
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 1: day by day or you know what I mean, Like

831
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,640
Speaker 1: I want a companion, So let me just you know,

832
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 1: propose to this girl like I mean, you know, some

833
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,360
Speaker 1: and may feel like that. I don't know. Some do,

834
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,080
Speaker 1: some dude, that wasn't me. Some do. And I got

835
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:33,759
Speaker 1: to be honest too, some of it was my ego

836
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,840
Speaker 1: as well. As much as you wanted the big wedding,

837
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 1: I wanted a big wedding too. Yeah, I was coming

838
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:39,960
Speaker 1: out in the NFL. All the weddings I had been

839
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,839
Speaker 1: to at that time where my gods who were either

840
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,680
Speaker 1: in the NFL or on their way to the NFL

841
00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,080
Speaker 1: getting mad, they had big, nice weddings. And then the

842
00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: show Platinum Wedding was out. Was super my, super sweet,

843
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,960
Speaker 1: you're right, um wedding? Is it? Anyway? There's a couple

844
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 1: of Actually, how I found our wedding planner was shout

845
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,600
Speaker 1: out to the diary, So it is it was a

846
00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: show and my ego and me wanting to not only

847
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 1: prove to myself but to prove to everybody else that

848
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:09,480
Speaker 1: I was successful and I made it. I wanted to

849
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,879
Speaker 1: be able to deliver these things from my wife. And

850
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:14,520
Speaker 1: there goes another pressure that ultimately had nothing to do

851
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:17,920
Speaker 1: with you, and that usure that was a societal pressure

852
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:21,080
Speaker 1: because I'm like, I'm NFL devout. So that means that

853
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,120
Speaker 1: my wife has to have the big wedding, she has

854
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 1: to have the big ring, we have to move into

855
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,040
Speaker 1: the big house, like these are all of the things

856
00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:30,360
Speaker 1: that I had to live up to that in the

857
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,400
Speaker 1: grand scheme of things, like no one is defined in

858
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,239
Speaker 1: their twenties, like you can have all of that and

859
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 1: lose it and still make a comeback, or you don't

860
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 1: really necessarily have to reach to try to get it

861
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 1: at that moment because you can get it later. Let

862
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,239
Speaker 1: that be a takeaway too. I guess maybe the younger

863
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 1: folks or some of the single folks, the single folks

864
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 1: were allowed y'all. Y'all werell out with that last monogamy

865
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:57,839
Speaker 1: episode with all the opinions. But if there's a takeaway, um,

866
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 1: just know that you do not need to measure up

867
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:08,120
Speaker 1: what you're doing, your life, your Instagram profile to anyone.

868
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,960
Speaker 1: It's a facade for the most part. You think about

869
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:12,799
Speaker 1: all these events and stuff like that, it's cool, but

870
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,840
Speaker 1: what's going in behind the scenes, what's going into the

871
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:18,680
Speaker 1: relationship behind the scenes. Like it sounds like something you've

872
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,440
Speaker 1: heard before, but it's true. Like there's certain things that

873
00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,040
Speaker 1: people say over and over again and say it's a

874
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:27,040
Speaker 1: cliche for a reason, because it's the truth. It's the truth.

875
00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:29,880
Speaker 1: Like that, if anything needs to be a major takeaway,

876
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:32,560
Speaker 1: like you cannot be out here measuring your life and

877
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:36,880
Speaker 1: your relationship against what you see on social media. Especially,

878
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,879
Speaker 1: maybe we need to change the age of when people

879
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,080
Speaker 1: become an adult because let me tell you like I.

880
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:46,239
Speaker 1: When I turned eighteen, I was like, listen, okay. The

881
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: United States of America said that I am an adult.

882
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 1: Okay to an extent, there's certain things I can do.

883
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 1: And then when I hit twenty one, it was a

884
00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:53,160
Speaker 1: whole rep like you can tell me nothing. Like to

885
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: this day, I feel like you still can't tell me

886
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:56,279
Speaker 1: nothing to an extent. But you know what I mean,

887
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:58,360
Speaker 1: Like we figured, we thought we had it all figured

888
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 1: out in our twins, then we're all here making bad

889
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:04,480
Speaker 1: decisions together, bad decisions. I mean, we were able to

890
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 1: bounce back from it though, You and I work together

891
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 1: because we learned how to communicate. But one thing I

892
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,800
Speaker 1: will say, and I learned this through through our marriage.

893
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,719
Speaker 1: How you get married and the decisions you make will

894
00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:17,560
Speaker 1: define the first few years of your marriage. Yes, you

895
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,239
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Yes, the first couple of years

896
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:22,480
Speaker 1: was rocky, a f but and now because we were

897
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:24,520
Speaker 1: able to make it through that storm, we can look

898
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,719
Speaker 1: back on it laugh. But like I can ask you

899
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:29,920
Speaker 1: what were you thinking? And you know we can have

900
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:33,360
Speaker 1: We're able to have conversations that had we had to

901
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,919
Speaker 1: have these conversations in the moment, I couldn't have those

902
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 1: conversations the moment we couldn't have those conversations. We couldn't know,

903
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:44,480
Speaker 1: we couldn't. But what growth and reflection before we go

904
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:48,320
Speaker 1: to break? What's one question you would ask young Devot

905
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,879
Speaker 1: and like say, we don't know all it is during

906
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:55,360
Speaker 1: that moment when I proposed to you, what's one question

907
00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:56,680
Speaker 1: you would ask me that you thought it was kind

908
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,400
Speaker 1: of off that you would be like devout wild, like,

909
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 1: what's the one question you asked? I don't think I

910
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:05,560
Speaker 1: get the question. So, for example, during that time, I

911
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,840
Speaker 1: would I what I would say it was. What I

912
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:13,799
Speaker 1: wanted to say was thinking, how how the funk could

913
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,160
Speaker 1: you ask me to go look at the venue when

914
00:42:16,239 --> 00:42:20,480
Speaker 1: I literally just found out that I'm not working. That's

915
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 1: the question I would ask you, Like today, would have

916
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:29,080
Speaker 1: wanted to ask something. Year old candent year Devout wanted

917
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,400
Speaker 1: to ask them, but I didn't want to ask it

918
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:34,239
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I didn't

919
00:42:34,239 --> 00:42:36,560
Speaker 1: want to come across as not manly enough. I just

920
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,279
Speaker 1: figured out I had to I just figured out I

921
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:40,400
Speaker 1: had to find a way. You know what I'm saying.

922
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:44,000
Speaker 1: So year old Devout wanted to say that, but didn't

923
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:45,399
Speaker 1: and I feel like there's a lot of young people

924
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 1: who are having those moments and they're not saying it,

925
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:49,480
Speaker 1: and they end up in situations where they're like, then,

926
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:51,480
Speaker 1: I wish I would have just said something, because I

927
00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:54,279
Speaker 1: feel like if I asked you that question, you would

928
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:56,040
Speaker 1: have told me this is what I think. I would

929
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:57,759
Speaker 1: have been like, why how could you go? Look at

930
00:42:57,760 --> 00:42:59,000
Speaker 1: the venue? And you probably would have been like, I

931
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:00,279
Speaker 1: didn't think it was that big thing. I could you

932
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:01,880
Speaker 1: be on another team? And then I would have been like, well,

933
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,640
Speaker 1: I don't want to play football no more that and

934
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,359
Speaker 1: you would have told me that, because my question would

935
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 1: have been to you, but why aren't you exploring all

936
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:11,280
Speaker 1: the options with all the teams that potentially have interests.

937
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:14,200
Speaker 1: There's an offer potentially at Canada, let's move. Why would

938
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:16,279
Speaker 1: we not go to Canada? But I didn't say that

939
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:17,799
Speaker 1: in that moment because I'm like, this is not my

940
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,240
Speaker 1: body going on the line to to play these games

941
00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:22,759
Speaker 1: every day. This is not my dream per se, which

942
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:24,960
Speaker 1: turns out wasn't even your dream either. You were doing

943
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,399
Speaker 1: this as a means to it in so to me,

944
00:43:27,440 --> 00:43:29,239
Speaker 1: I was just like, well, bro, you got places that

945
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:32,719
Speaker 1: you could potentially like like you're not done here playing football? Like,

946
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,879
Speaker 1: go ahead and play, and I'll be here to hold

947
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,799
Speaker 1: down the fort while you do that. Me asking that

948
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:40,840
Speaker 1: question would have brought together this conversation which would have

949
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:43,600
Speaker 1: saved this a lot of money, a lot of heartache. Absolutely,

950
00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:47,640
Speaker 1: name a moment year old Coadean had where you are

951
00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,640
Speaker 1: saying I want to ask the Vallece question, but I

952
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,760
Speaker 1: don't because I either don't want to hurt his feelings

953
00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:54,360
Speaker 1: or I don't want to come across as less of

954
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:56,719
Speaker 1: a woman. It would have probably would have been like,

955
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,480
Speaker 1: are you going to expect me to dress up every

956
00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:00,799
Speaker 1: time we have a second role play? Because if that's

957
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,920
Speaker 1: the case, we might just might deal break right here,

958
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,840
Speaker 1: because if I got to play a different character. I

959
00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,160
Speaker 1: know I'm an actress. I know I'm an actress, but

960
00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:09,400
Speaker 1: there's but so many characters that I can play. And

961
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:11,480
Speaker 1: are you going to make sure that the chandelier is

962
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,560
Speaker 1: bolted into the ceiling so when I swing off that

963
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:16,120
Speaker 1: ship like a circus monkey you will be able to

964
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:19,120
Speaker 1: support me. I think the best part of this whole

965
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 1: thing is that my brother and my sister and I

966
00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 1: share Amazon account, so if they're ever looking at at

967
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:24,920
Speaker 1: my purchase history. They're gonna be like, where is this

968
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:27,840
Speaker 1: bitch going? Is it Halloween? No, guys, it's not Halloween.

969
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:29,160
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to find a way to dress up

970
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:31,719
Speaker 1: as another character for that. All right, so don't judge me.

971
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:33,480
Speaker 1: So this is what we've learned. If I would have

972
00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:35,640
Speaker 1: asked that question early on in our relationship, I would

973
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,080
Speaker 1: have got to answer. If you would have asked that question,

974
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:39,960
Speaker 1: I would have got to answer because not for nothing.

975
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:42,640
Speaker 1: Remember when we talked about way more clarity, but with

976
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:45,759
Speaker 1: more clarity, because at that point I would have known, like,

977
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:47,480
Speaker 1: you know what, she really don't like doing it, so

978
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:49,920
Speaker 1: she don't feel comfortable as opposed to me expecting it

979
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,239
Speaker 1: because you said you was going to do it and

980
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:53,919
Speaker 1: then not getting it and being just And I would

981
00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:56,320
Speaker 1: have known, Oh, this man, his heart is not in football.

982
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 1: He does not want to play anymore. So that's gonna

983
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:00,280
Speaker 1: mean if he wants to become an actor, which typically

984
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 1: is a longer process to get yourself out there, then

985
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:04,680
Speaker 1: I'm gonna know, all right, Well, so we're gonna have

986
00:45:04,719 --> 00:45:07,080
Speaker 1: to scale back on this wedding somehow. We're gonna have

987
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 1: to maybe wait on this wedding. Maybe we elope and

988
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,600
Speaker 1: then have a wedding later, like there would have to

989
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:13,799
Speaker 1: be in a discussion about what the other options would

990
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:16,239
Speaker 1: have been, because then you know what I mean, And

991
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:18,319
Speaker 1: I don't think I was that hardheaded in that moment.

992
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:20,520
Speaker 1: I might have gave you the face, I might have

993
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:22,640
Speaker 1: gave you the disappointed face, but we would have slipped

994
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:25,360
Speaker 1: the same face Jackson, the same face Jackson gives and

995
00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:27,719
Speaker 1: Cairo gives, and cats. They don't get that all of

996
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,880
Speaker 1: us inherited. They all inherited the face from me because

997
00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:33,359
Speaker 1: the toddler face. And that's something qualified on the toddler face,

998
00:45:34,080 --> 00:45:36,879
Speaker 1: like we raised car cry back in the day. Yes,

999
00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:40,560
Speaker 1: here's here's one thing I'm going to say about that. Right.

1000
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: A lot of women have been saying, you know, if

1001
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:46,719
Speaker 1: a man, if a woman gives you her standards, you

1002
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:48,920
Speaker 1: have a right to walk away and not say nothing. Right.

1003
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:51,880
Speaker 1: But if I were at this point now to say, Cadine,

1004
00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:53,720
Speaker 1: I want to have another baby or if not, I'm leaving,

1005
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 1: those same women will be pissed at me. Somebody cut

1006
00:45:56,680 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 1: the valves, Mike. I'm just second. I'm just saying, y'all

1007
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:05,879
Speaker 1: know I want another baby, So the pressure so you're

1008
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:09,400
Speaker 1: giving your expectation is that you will have another baby

1009
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,960
Speaker 1: with me, and if I don't accept that, you out no,

1010
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:15,120
Speaker 1: no, no no, no, no, not at all, because babies are

1011
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:17,960
Speaker 1: always anytime you bring life, that's the closest you get

1012
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:20,920
Speaker 1: to death. And we've experienced that with Jackson. You you know,

1013
00:46:21,040 --> 00:46:23,440
Speaker 1: had to have almost a blood transfusion and that surgery.

1014
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,040
Speaker 1: So having babies is very very different. It's right, it's

1015
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,839
Speaker 1: very different. Those are different places. I was joking about that.

1016
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:31,760
Speaker 1: But we're gonna take some breaks right now. I'm gonna

1017
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 1: try to put this baby and Kate belly and we're

1018
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:50,560
Speaker 1: gonna gonna listen to these ads. Sorry, Triple yea. All right,

1019
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:55,000
Speaker 1: now we're back for some listener letters. Let's get into

1020
00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:58,040
Speaker 1: y'all's business, because y'all show us hell maybe in my business.

1021
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:01,400
Speaker 1: I mean, it's all good though, it's all jokes. I

1022
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:03,399
Speaker 1: promise you. People sometimes be like I'm sorry to say,

1023
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:05,560
Speaker 1: but don't be sorry, Like this is the purpose of

1024
00:47:05,560 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: the podcast. It out there so you guys can have

1025
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:09,520
Speaker 1: these conversations and all that, you know what I mean,

1026
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:11,000
Speaker 1: We all we do was just ask that you listen

1027
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:13,120
Speaker 1: to it and its entirety. Yes, you know what I mean,

1028
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,239
Speaker 1: and then you can have the conversation. You can't have

1029
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:19,120
Speaker 1: a podcast without having people have conversation. Absolutely, that's the purpose.

1030
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:21,319
Speaker 1: That's the purpose of a podcast. So we appreciate all

1031
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:24,799
Speaker 1: the conversations, any absolutely, any input you have. But like

1032
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 1: Dean said, if you're not going to listen to the

1033
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:28,319
Speaker 1: podcast in this entirety, I really don't want to hear

1034
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:31,520
Speaker 1: about your opinion. That's just it doesn't make any sense,

1035
00:47:31,680 --> 00:47:34,319
Speaker 1: right right, right, Absolutely, So that being said, we're gonna

1036
00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 1: move on to some listen and let us I can

1037
00:47:35,640 --> 00:47:39,279
Speaker 1: get into helps business. Um, here's the first question or

1038
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:41,279
Speaker 1: the first scenario. May y'all go went in. We get

1039
00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:44,000
Speaker 1: in some paragraphs in here, but we did ask for context,

1040
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:46,520
Speaker 1: so I'm hoping it's in there. I've been dating a

1041
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 1: guy for almost a year. Our dynamic is cool. We

1042
00:47:49,239 --> 00:47:52,000
Speaker 1: fell in love or I fell in love. You'll see

1043
00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:55,600
Speaker 1: what I mean. Um, we've met each other's family, I've

1044
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:59,439
Speaker 1: met his daughter. We kicked it, we could it tough,

1045
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:03,279
Speaker 1: so on and so forth, all that good stuff. He

1046
00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:06,280
Speaker 1: recently told me he didn't see us going any further

1047
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:09,399
Speaker 1: than boyfriend and girlfriend. All he wants is a girl,

1048
00:48:09,719 --> 00:48:12,359
Speaker 1: but not a future. He hit me with it has

1049
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:15,480
Speaker 1: nothing to do with you, it's me basically, So I'm

1050
00:48:15,520 --> 00:48:17,279
Speaker 1: like in my head, oh, he's breaking up with me,

1051
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: and then he hits me with, I'm just telling you

1052
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:22,000
Speaker 1: my truth. Then you can decide what you want to do,

1053
00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:26,839
Speaker 1: which is a little passive aggressive. But whatever my question is,

1054
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 1: should I stay go? Or can I change him? Oh?

1055
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:33,879
Speaker 1: Can you change him? Lord? I know I can't change

1056
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:37,480
Speaker 1: a man. Okay, you're corrected yourself. Um, And if I

1057
00:48:37,520 --> 00:48:39,680
Speaker 1: want a future, the only right answer is for me

1058
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:43,880
Speaker 1: to dip right. But my questions are, for one, what

1059
00:48:44,160 --> 00:48:47,520
Speaker 1: is a girlfriend without a future or progression? What does

1060
00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:50,440
Speaker 1: that even look like? I asked him. He doesn't know.

1061
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,479
Speaker 1: If you don't want a future, why I have a girl?

1062
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:57,840
Speaker 1: Right at my tripping, I just want to point out

1063
00:48:57,960 --> 00:49:01,560
Speaker 1: that he gave her his standard and told her she

1064
00:49:01,600 --> 00:49:04,319
Speaker 1: could leave a go and she question, no, not even

1065
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,720
Speaker 1: that she was appalled by it. But she was appalled

1066
00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:09,640
Speaker 1: by it. So it was passive aggressive. It was passive aggressive.

1067
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:15,359
Speaker 1: But when you gave me your standards, he pulled me yes,

1068
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:17,560
Speaker 1: when I said, well, this is what I'm looking forward

1069
00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:19,880
Speaker 1: to doing with my life, and then you said you

1070
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:23,080
Speaker 1: feel the pressure. But he did it, and she said

1071
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:25,080
Speaker 1: it was passive aggressive. It was passive aggressive. Now, I

1072
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:27,160
Speaker 1: think he's been clear Hunt. I think he's been clear

1073
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 1: about what he wants, which is, I think what most

1074
00:49:28,960 --> 00:49:31,920
Speaker 1: people should want from people who they're dating or having

1075
00:49:31,920 --> 00:49:34,120
Speaker 1: the intention of potentially moving forward with. Yeah, but that's

1076
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:36,720
Speaker 1: the thing. She wants to be a wife. He doesn't

1077
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:38,759
Speaker 1: want that. Yeah, So he just wants somebody to to

1078
00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 1: kick it with, apparently. And I think you you've answered

1079
00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:43,279
Speaker 1: your question and then went back and the answered your

1080
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,239
Speaker 1: question a couple of times within this paragraph. Um, and

1081
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:47,840
Speaker 1: I get it. You may be into him, and you

1082
00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:50,480
Speaker 1: may potentially see a future with him, but you definitely

1083
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 1: can't get somebody male or female to see a future

1084
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 1: with you if they don't see it for themselves. So yeah,

1085
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,839
Speaker 1: And I think that she has every right to if

1086
00:49:57,880 --> 00:50:01,080
Speaker 1: she wants a future, to walk away. Absolutely. And I

1087
00:50:01,080 --> 00:50:03,600
Speaker 1: think and I think he has every right to say,

1088
00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:06,160
Speaker 1: I just want a girlfriend. And I've we've had these

1089
00:50:06,160 --> 00:50:08,839
Speaker 1: conversations with friends of ours who have gotten divorced, who

1090
00:50:08,880 --> 00:50:10,759
Speaker 1: have been in relations before. I said, if I if

1091
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:14,360
Speaker 1: I ever get divorced, I'm never remarrying. I'll have somebody

1092
00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:17,320
Speaker 1: that I kick it with someone who occupies space and time.

1093
00:50:17,719 --> 00:50:19,600
Speaker 1: But I don't. I don't want to be obligated to

1094
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:22,680
Speaker 1: anyone or anything. And I think that that's okay, because

1095
00:50:22,719 --> 00:50:26,480
Speaker 1: sometimes marriage is not for every person. Some people don't

1096
00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:28,160
Speaker 1: want to be married. They just want to have a

1097
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 1: companion when they want that companion and not feel obligated

1098
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,120
Speaker 1: to live with that person. His marriage does come with obligations.

1099
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:36,080
Speaker 1: Obligations is the right word, but it does come with

1100
00:50:36,120 --> 00:50:39,480
Speaker 1: a social certain responsibility. You are married to somebody, like

1101
00:50:39,600 --> 00:50:41,920
Speaker 1: there's certain things that just have to be done, whereas

1102
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 1: if you have a girl or somebody who you're kicking

1103
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:46,279
Speaker 1: it with, it's like, you know, it is what it is.

1104
00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: I think, I think this is. But these are two

1105
00:50:48,440 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 1: mature people who are being upfront and honest but have

1106
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:54,800
Speaker 1: decisions to make. And the problem is, if you like someone,

1107
00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:57,160
Speaker 1: you want the person that you like to want you

1108
00:50:57,280 --> 00:51:00,239
Speaker 1: the same way you want them, and sometimes it's not.

1109
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:02,600
Speaker 1: It's like, sometimes that's just not the way it is.

1110
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:05,120
Speaker 1: And maybe he had heart breaking It could be heartbreaking

1111
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,480
Speaker 1: for he's to feel like, you know, it's definitely heartbreaking,

1112
00:51:07,520 --> 00:51:10,319
Speaker 1: but more than likely he seemed like he's probably been

1113
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 1: in a relationship or probably was married and don't want

1114
00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:15,440
Speaker 1: to do that again. That's what it seems like. And

1115
00:51:15,480 --> 00:51:17,959
Speaker 1: you can't fold someone for going through that, right, Yeah,

1116
00:51:18,280 --> 00:51:20,160
Speaker 1: it would be cool to know the age range. Here

1117
00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,960
Speaker 1: to home girl, I would say, um, just telling him like, well,

1118
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,799
Speaker 1: I appreciate you being honest, but I'm looking to bee. Yeah,

1119
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:27,920
Speaker 1: I'm looking to be someone's wife. So I can't. I

1120
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:31,640
Speaker 1: can't be your your girlfriend if there's no future for you,

1121
00:51:31,680 --> 00:51:34,000
Speaker 1: because then that's not what I'm doing for And you're

1122
00:51:34,000 --> 00:51:35,719
Speaker 1: well within your rights to do that. Homegod just got

1123
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:39,600
Speaker 1: bounced exactly somewhere else. All Right, we got time for

1124
00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 1: one more. I'm gonna read this second one. It's a

1125
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:45,880
Speaker 1: long one too. Um. I'm a thirty five year old female.

1126
00:51:45,880 --> 00:51:48,239
Speaker 1: My boyfriend or four years is forty three. We've lived

1127
00:51:48,239 --> 00:51:50,640
Speaker 1: together for two of the four years of our relationship.

1128
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:54,040
Speaker 1: We both have good careers nursing engineer. Congratulations you guys.

1129
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 1: I am ready to get married. In bold bold letters, catlock.

1130
00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:00,759
Speaker 1: He is not. We never really, He never really gives

1131
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: me a reason why he is not. He just says

1132
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:04,880
Speaker 1: it's a big step. I'm not sure what to do.

1133
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:07,960
Speaker 1: Marriage has now become a touchy subject when it's discussed

1134
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:10,399
Speaker 1: amongst other couple's friends of family. I want to give

1135
00:52:10,480 --> 00:52:13,719
Speaker 1: him time to get ready and figure out, but how

1136
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,440
Speaker 1: much time if marriage is an option for him. If

1137
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:18,520
Speaker 1: marriage is not an option for him, I'm done with

1138
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:22,120
Speaker 1: this relationship. I don't want to give an ultimatum, but

1139
00:52:22,239 --> 00:52:24,640
Speaker 1: I'm not waiting ten years for him to figure it out.

1140
00:52:24,920 --> 00:52:27,000
Speaker 1: We are not in our twenties anymore, and I feel

1141
00:52:27,080 --> 00:52:28,960
Speaker 1: it shouldn't take this long to know if I'm the

1142
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:30,839
Speaker 1: one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

1143
00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:35,799
Speaker 1: My plan was to wait until we hit the five

1144
00:52:35,880 --> 00:52:38,480
Speaker 1: year mark, have a real deep discussion about it, and

1145
00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:40,879
Speaker 1: to tell him that if we're not getting married soon,

1146
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:43,800
Speaker 1: I'm done, even though he already knows that's how I feel.

1147
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:48,480
Speaker 1: I'm constantly fighting myself because he is a really great man, father, provider,

1148
00:52:48,560 --> 00:52:51,160
Speaker 1: lover and friend. Our relationship is good, and we both

1149
00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:53,600
Speaker 1: say it's the best relationship we have ever been in.

1150
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:55,920
Speaker 1: If I leave, I will truly be missing out on

1151
00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:57,919
Speaker 1: a great black man but I but if I stay,

1152
00:52:57,960 --> 00:53:00,279
Speaker 1: I will constantly have to fight my heart with the

1153
00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:02,799
Speaker 1: fact that I'm not married, and I don't think I

1154
00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:10,239
Speaker 1: can do that. How long do I wait? Help? Man,

1155
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:15,480
Speaker 1: boyfriend or four years he's forty three m this is

1156
00:53:15,560 --> 00:53:18,840
Speaker 1: this is the one thing I will say, right, I

1157
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:22,960
Speaker 1: believe conversations of paramount right, Like, if you're at a

1158
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:26,319
Speaker 1: point now where you guys can't have conversations without it

1159
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:30,319
Speaker 1: becoming hostile, that's a problem because Kadina and I have

1160
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:33,640
Speaker 1: been there with with finances at one point. We were

1161
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:36,080
Speaker 1: there with sex at one point where if someone even

1162
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:39,080
Speaker 1: brought up the topic, it was met with so much

1163
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:41,879
Speaker 1: vitriol that you couldn't even discuss it. And that's an

1164
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:45,080
Speaker 1: issue because there should be nothing that's off the table.

1165
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:47,880
Speaker 1: There should be nothing that you can't discuss with the

1166
00:53:47,880 --> 00:53:49,920
Speaker 1: person you're spending the rest of your life with. So

1167
00:53:50,040 --> 00:53:51,520
Speaker 1: that to me is a red flag, the fact that

1168
00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:53,279
Speaker 1: they can't even discuss it. And if he can't give

1169
00:53:53,320 --> 00:53:56,200
Speaker 1: you a reason, you know, then there must be something

1170
00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:58,840
Speaker 1: there that he may have to unpack within himself, something

1171
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,320
Speaker 1: maybe with his childhood it or something with a previous

1172
00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:04,240
Speaker 1: relationship or I don't know, there's a fear of commitment

1173
00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:07,720
Speaker 1: for whatever reason. And I see the small area about,

1174
00:54:07,760 --> 00:54:10,160
Speaker 1: you know, the touchy subject when discussed amos, groups of

1175
00:54:10,200 --> 00:54:13,279
Speaker 1: friends and stuff like that, and that rewinds to twenty something.

1176
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:15,040
Speaker 1: You're a cadine who's then now looking at couples and

1177
00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:17,799
Speaker 1: friends who are around and naturally people, you know, it's

1178
00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 1: it's almost like asking a woman like, oh, so when

1179
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,160
Speaker 1: when you have a baby, when you have another baby,

1180
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:22,919
Speaker 1: when you have another babies, like one of those things

1181
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:24,920
Speaker 1: that people don't even know, the internal struggle that you

1182
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:27,839
Speaker 1: may be having, you know, to have another baby, maybe

1183
00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:29,840
Speaker 1: an internal struggle you guys have in your relationship and

1184
00:54:29,840 --> 00:54:32,359
Speaker 1: not knowing it's a touchy, touchy subject. People are then

1185
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:37,319
Speaker 1: compiling more you know, um, disdaining about the topic. You know, Um,

1186
00:54:37,360 --> 00:54:38,960
Speaker 1: I can't give her a time frame on like when

1187
00:54:39,000 --> 00:54:40,920
Speaker 1: to wait, though, you know, I do feel like at

1188
00:54:40,920 --> 00:54:42,960
Speaker 1: thirty five, I don't know. He says he's a great

1189
00:54:43,000 --> 00:54:46,200
Speaker 1: father or is He's talk a little bit children bad,

1190
00:54:46,239 --> 00:54:49,719
Speaker 1: but talk a little bit about You said that part

1191
00:54:49,760 --> 00:54:54,120
Speaker 1: of your timeline was your your fertility clock, and you

1192
00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:56,239
Speaker 1: wanted to get married because you want to have kids. Yeah,

1193
00:54:56,239 --> 00:54:57,600
Speaker 1: because I wanted to start, and I know that you

1194
00:54:57,640 --> 00:54:59,919
Speaker 1: wanted you wanted four children. I wanted three to work.

1195
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:01,239
Speaker 1: They're like, all right, if we end up somewhere in

1196
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:02,840
Speaker 1: the middle. I didn't want to start at a certain

1197
00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:05,719
Speaker 1: time frame too, because then you hear people saying like, oh,

1198
00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: you don't want to be like you know that older mom,

1199
00:55:07,719 --> 00:55:08,960
Speaker 1: that you want to be able to grow with your

1200
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:10,080
Speaker 1: kids and you want to be able to be there

1201
00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:11,839
Speaker 1: for your grandkids and things like that. Well, I mean,

1202
00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:13,719
Speaker 1: we can't end up somewhere in the middle of four

1203
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:15,759
Speaker 1: kids or three. We can't have three and a half kids.

1204
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:19,160
Speaker 1: It's either we're gonna get four or three. So where

1205
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:21,440
Speaker 1: do we round to that? No, I'm just saying you

1206
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:24,000
Speaker 1: said we can end up. You said we can end

1207
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:25,839
Speaker 1: up somewhere in the middle. It's like you want three,

1208
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:29,279
Speaker 1: I want four, right, So it's like either somebody's gonna

1209
00:55:29,320 --> 00:55:31,400
Speaker 1: get what they Three sounds nice and round to me.

1210
00:55:31,680 --> 00:55:34,120
Speaker 1: If you make a number three, it's like the two

1211
00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:37,160
Speaker 1: sides don't work around with four kids. Everybody got a

1212
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:40,520
Speaker 1: partner on the roller coaster? How often are we going

1213
00:55:40,520 --> 00:55:42,799
Speaker 1: to roller coasts? We can't even go to all the

1214
00:55:42,840 --> 00:55:46,520
Speaker 1: time when we have four kids. But on an airplane,

1215
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:50,560
Speaker 1: if it's a three row in a three row, that's

1216
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:54,040
Speaker 1: gonna be six. Now taking myself, but yes, this um

1217
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,240
Speaker 1: so yeah, that that is that. That's what I'm wondering

1218
00:55:56,239 --> 00:55:57,879
Speaker 1: if he said she's he's a great father. So I'm

1219
00:55:57,880 --> 00:56:00,200
Speaker 1: wondering if at thirty five she says, boy friend, I

1220
00:56:00,239 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 1: don't know if they have children together or if they're

1221
00:56:01,719 --> 00:56:05,000
Speaker 1: his children or not. Um, So there's that's a hard

1222
00:56:05,040 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 1: one because there really is not like a law of

1223
00:56:06,719 --> 00:56:08,680
Speaker 1: time frame. But I feel like there needs to be

1224
00:56:08,719 --> 00:56:11,440
Speaker 1: a very very candid conversation between the two of you,

1225
00:56:11,520 --> 00:56:13,839
Speaker 1: not waiting necessarily for a five year mark to then

1226
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:16,680
Speaker 1: have the conversation. But it's like, why wait and invest

1227
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:18,920
Speaker 1: a couple more years if he's ultimately not going to

1228
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,759
Speaker 1: want to commit understand that? You know, we we know

1229
00:56:21,880 --> 00:56:24,080
Speaker 1: someone that we spoke with recently that was just like, yo,

1230
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:27,239
Speaker 1: I might have to let my girl go because she

1231
00:56:27,320 --> 00:56:29,200
Speaker 1: wants to be married and have children and I don't

1232
00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:31,839
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that's right. I just may have to just

1233
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:35,000
Speaker 1: her well, And we thought like, oh my goodness, it

1234
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:36,960
Speaker 1: don't gave me choose at how at peace he was

1235
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,239
Speaker 1: with it and how like comfortable he was saying, you

1236
00:56:39,280 --> 00:56:41,439
Speaker 1: know what, she wants all of these things, and she's

1237
00:56:41,440 --> 00:56:45,080
Speaker 1: been vocal about it. So I cannot meet her there

1238
00:56:45,400 --> 00:56:46,719
Speaker 1: and we have to let her go. You know what

1239
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:49,120
Speaker 1: struck me. He said that he loved her so much

1240
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:52,920
Speaker 1: seeing her happy getting what she want was more important

1241
00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:55,680
Speaker 1: to he being happy because I was like, yeah, I said,

1242
00:56:55,680 --> 00:56:57,880
Speaker 1: you're willing to let her go? When he was just like, bro, like,

1243
00:56:58,360 --> 00:56:59,759
Speaker 1: I just love her that much. I want to see

1244
00:56:59,800 --> 00:57:02,240
Speaker 1: her be happy. And you know what, sometimes it's people.

1245
00:57:02,280 --> 00:57:05,280
Speaker 1: We have to do a better job of loving people

1246
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:07,480
Speaker 1: the way they want to be loved and not be selfish.

1247
00:57:07,840 --> 00:57:10,359
Speaker 1: You know. There were times Astance, Yeah, there were there

1248
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:13,480
Speaker 1: were times in our relationship where I was selfish. There

1249
00:57:13,520 --> 00:57:15,680
Speaker 1: were times that you were selfish, and if we were

1250
00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:19,080
Speaker 1: less selfish, we've been able to love each other better.

1251
00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:21,560
Speaker 1: And I think that this may be, you know, this

1252
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:23,880
Speaker 1: may be one of those situations where you tell them

1253
00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:26,440
Speaker 1: exactly what you need, you know, and then it's up

1254
00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 1: to him to live up to the pressure, rise to

1255
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:36,400
Speaker 1: the pressure, off the pot. There's nothing wrong with being honest,

1256
00:57:36,560 --> 00:57:40,000
Speaker 1: like this is this is my life. But that goes

1257
00:57:40,040 --> 00:57:42,600
Speaker 1: both ways. If a woman is going to be honest

1258
00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:44,440
Speaker 1: and say this is what I want on in my life,

1259
00:57:44,720 --> 00:57:46,880
Speaker 1: a man has every right to say this is what

1260
00:57:46,920 --> 00:57:49,360
Speaker 1: I want out of my life. You can't disregard what's

1261
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:52,480
Speaker 1: important to me in my life and say I'm childish,

1262
00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:54,680
Speaker 1: but then say, all of these things that I want

1263
00:57:54,720 --> 00:57:56,800
Speaker 1: in my life have to be mad. I don't know.

1264
00:57:56,840 --> 00:57:59,680
Speaker 1: Since when like being honest is now equated with like

1265
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:03,400
Speaker 1: such like highly offended outcomes, you know what I mean,

1266
00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:06,680
Speaker 1: cancel culture because I mean, like, I mean, people just

1267
00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:08,600
Speaker 1: being honest and telling you how they feel, like I

1268
00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:11,840
Speaker 1: feel like that in turn just ends up with people

1269
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:14,640
Speaker 1: just being so offended and I'm like, would you rather

1270
00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:18,080
Speaker 1: me just sell you the sugarcoated you know, sweet talk

1271
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:19,920
Speaker 1: or do you want to actually hear what it is?

1272
00:58:20,040 --> 00:58:23,520
Speaker 1: Political correctness has become valued more than honesty because people

1273
00:58:23,560 --> 00:58:26,040
Speaker 1: just want to feel better about themselves. They don't want

1274
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:27,880
Speaker 1: to they don't want to be better, they don't want

1275
00:58:27,920 --> 00:58:30,000
Speaker 1: to be better, they just want to feel better. And

1276
00:58:30,040 --> 00:58:32,240
Speaker 1: it's easier to feel better when someone is telling you

1277
00:58:32,280 --> 00:58:34,880
Speaker 1: what you want to hear as opposed of telling you

1278
00:58:34,920 --> 00:58:37,400
Speaker 1: what you need to hear. That's just what And it

1279
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:40,840
Speaker 1: started with giving everyone a trophy, you know, everyone to

1280
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:45,880
Speaker 1: participation trophy. Everyone gets spirit. That That's when they started

1281
00:58:46,120 --> 00:58:48,040
Speaker 1: because now it's like you don't have to work towards

1282
00:58:48,080 --> 00:58:49,840
Speaker 1: the things you want, You're just given it. It's that

1283
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:52,919
Speaker 1: entitlement and it's it's affecting city is than like trying

1284
00:58:52,920 --> 00:58:55,080
Speaker 1: to be taken away the adversity, right, which was the

1285
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:58,400
Speaker 1: sweetest part about the You know, it's affecting us, it's

1286
00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:03,000
Speaker 1: affecting us in our relationships. But good, ma'am, you have

1287
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:05,400
Speaker 1: a right to ask you what you want. And if

1288
00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:07,400
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to adhere to it, move on. And

1289
00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:09,960
Speaker 1: he has the right expectations and standards, we flip it

1290
00:59:10,000 --> 00:59:14,200
Speaker 1: back again, that's what. And if he feels like it's

1291
00:59:14,200 --> 00:59:15,840
Speaker 1: back is against the wall, if he feels like it's

1292
00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 1: an ultimatum, at least you know where you stand and

1293
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:22,320
Speaker 1: he does. All right, y'all. If you want to be

1294
00:59:22,920 --> 00:59:27,080
Speaker 1: featured as a listener letter on Dead Ass podcast, be

1295
00:59:27,160 --> 00:59:30,200
Speaker 1: sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail

1296
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:33,080
Speaker 1: dot com. That's right, that's D E A D A

1297
00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:38,400
Speaker 1: d V I C E at gmail dot com. All right,

1298
00:59:38,480 --> 00:59:41,400
Speaker 1: moment of truth time. Do you want to go first? Back?

1299
00:59:41,960 --> 00:59:43,600
Speaker 1: If it's on the tip of your tongue, No, this

1300
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,320
Speaker 1: is this is my moment of truth. My moment of

1301
00:59:45,360 --> 00:59:47,560
Speaker 1: truth is there's a certain level of pressure that exists

1302
00:59:47,880 --> 00:59:51,600
Speaker 1: anytime you see value in something, right, I see value

1303
00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:53,240
Speaker 1: in being a husband. I see value in being a

1304
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:55,920
Speaker 1: father in order for me to meet the standard of

1305
00:59:55,960 --> 00:59:59,520
Speaker 1: which I want to perform being a husband or being

1306
00:59:59,560 --> 01:00:02,320
Speaker 1: a father. There's going to come pressure with that. And

1307
01:00:02,360 --> 01:00:04,800
Speaker 1: if you don't feel any pressure, then that means it

1308
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:07,920
Speaker 1: doesn't matter enough. Like you said, pressure doesn't only bust

1309
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:11,280
Speaker 1: price where it creates diamonds. If you're willing to work

1310
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:13,680
Speaker 1: through the pressure daily as a man and be a

1311
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:15,680
Speaker 1: great husband and be a great father, you can build

1312
01:00:15,920 --> 01:00:19,960
Speaker 1: a fantastic life for your family. I'm up for the challenge.

1313
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:21,520
Speaker 1: I'm willing to do it every day because I have

1314
01:00:21,560 --> 01:00:24,480
Speaker 1: an amazing wife that I love so much and I'm

1315
01:00:24,480 --> 01:00:26,440
Speaker 1: really to take over the world with her. That's my

1316
01:00:26,480 --> 01:00:30,120
Speaker 1: moment of truth. I love that take over the world together.

1317
01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:32,320
Speaker 1: I love that my moment of truth is the moment

1318
01:00:32,360 --> 01:00:36,320
Speaker 1: that I no longer feel pressure when in my relationship.

1319
01:00:37,400 --> 01:00:38,840
Speaker 1: Is the moment I know that I might have clocked

1320
01:00:38,880 --> 01:00:43,880
Speaker 1: out and I need to constantly feel a level of

1321
01:00:43,920 --> 01:00:47,840
Speaker 1: pressure when it comes to being what I need to

1322
01:00:47,880 --> 01:00:51,360
Speaker 1: be in my relationship for my husband, because the moment

1323
01:00:51,400 --> 01:00:53,360
Speaker 1: I'm starting to kind of a waiver on that and

1324
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:55,760
Speaker 1: feel like it's not that big of a deal. The

1325
01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:58,240
Speaker 1: moment that I feel complacent, like I'm doing a good

1326
01:00:58,320 --> 01:01:00,160
Speaker 1: job is the moment that I might have been just

1327
01:01:01,280 --> 01:01:06,160
Speaker 1: f to coup as deep. I agree, yes, so, ley'all.

1328
01:01:06,200 --> 01:01:08,280
Speaker 1: I mean, if you like what we're doing over here,

1329
01:01:09,280 --> 01:01:12,520
Speaker 1: be sure to find us on social media. Um, we

1330
01:01:12,600 --> 01:01:16,080
Speaker 1: have Instagram page, dead asked the podcast, so be sure

1331
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:17,560
Speaker 1: to go over there and follow and check us out.

1332
01:01:17,560 --> 01:01:19,280
Speaker 1: And of course you can find me on my usual

1333
01:01:19,320 --> 01:01:22,400
Speaker 1: handle Cadine I am and I am devout. And if

1334
01:01:22,440 --> 01:01:25,560
Speaker 1: you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review

1335
01:01:25,800 --> 01:01:31,760
Speaker 1: and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart

1336
01:01:31,800 --> 01:01:34,600
Speaker 1: Media podcast Network and is produced by the Nora, Opinia

1337
01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:38,040
Speaker 1: and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead

1338
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:39,960
Speaker 1: as the podcasts and never miss a Thing.