Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hey,
Speaker 1: I am so happy to be here with you again.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, Thank you for choosing to come
Speaker 1: here to the I Choose Me podcast to spend some
Speaker 1: time with me. And you know what, I also just
Speaker 1: want to take a second to thank everybody who has
Speaker 1: helped me get to do this with you, all the
Speaker 1: team at iHeart and my life crew, but mostly you.
Speaker 1: You are the reason I get to do this with you.
Speaker 1: You are the reason I want to do this with you.
Speaker 1: I mean it, me wanting and choosing to do a
Speaker 1: podcast came from you. It's because of the connections that
Speaker 1: I felt from all of you, the support you've always
Speaker 1: given me, the people I meet, the comments I see
Speaker 1: and hear. You guys lift me up every time I
Speaker 1: hear from you, and it makes me want to give
Speaker 1: you more and do more with you because at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, you know what, I like you.
Speaker 1: More importantly, I am like you. We are all the same.
Speaker 1: We are all just working it out, finding our way,
Speaker 1: figuring out this amazing life thing, and we're all dealing
Speaker 1: with the same things, the same hurdles, the same challenges.
Speaker 1: On some level, if you think my life looks a
Speaker 1: certain way on the GRAM or the talk or the whatever,
Speaker 1: and that I'm not dealing with the same shit that
Speaker 1: you are, you are mistaken. You may not see that,
Speaker 1: but I promise you it is absolutely true. And the
Speaker 1: sooner we can all recognize that and give in to
Speaker 1: the notion that it's not just me and my story
Speaker 1: and my problems. It's we, our stories, our problems, the
Speaker 1: better off we're going to be. So let's get comfortable
Speaker 1: enough with each other in this new I Choose Me
Speaker 1: community to grow together, because that's what it's all. We
Speaker 1: are here to love and to connect and to grow. Remember,
Speaker 1: if you're not growing, you're slowing, and I don't want
Speaker 1: to slow. I don't know about you. So if you're
Speaker 1: like that, if you're like me, which I already know
Speaker 1: you are because you're here with me listening to this podcast,
Speaker 1: let's do this together. It's a lot more fun to
Speaker 1: do life together.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: So now I want to introduce you all to a
Speaker 1: very special someone in my life, Adele House, who will
Speaker 1: be gracing us with her wisdom and insights as a
Speaker 1: licensed therapist, our free therapist here at I Choose Me
Speaker 1: I've known Adele for thirty years. This year actually marks
Speaker 1: our thirty year friends of versary. She is the best
Speaker 1: person I know. We can literally ask her anything like this, Adele,
Speaker 1: Jenny Adele, what the fuck is wrong with me? How
Speaker 1: many times if I asked you that question?
Speaker 2: You're a human being?
Speaker 1: Oh that little thing?
Speaker 2: Yeah, you always forget that part. We were just.
Speaker 1: Talking on the phone, remember a couple of days ago.
Speaker 1: Do you remember way back when? Yeah, we were just
Speaker 1: talking about all the stress and all the things. But
Speaker 1: I feel like you my whole life, you've known me.
Speaker 1: I've been stressed out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but there's a real reason for that. Right. I
Speaker 2: was thinking about this too, and I was thinking about
Speaker 2: So I met you thirty years ago, right, you were
Speaker 2: twenty one years old. I just want to set the
Speaker 2: stage a little.
Speaker 1: Bit that I walked the stage.
Speaker 2: Okay, I walked into your life. You were twenty one
Speaker 2: and I was twenty six. You were on a huge
Speaker 2: hit show, nine of two on Oher. You were you
Speaker 2: were already a homeowner, Like at twenty six, I couldn't
Speaker 2: even fathom being a homeowner. Right, you were internationally faan Right,
Speaker 2: So you were working a job that you had to
Speaker 2: show up to every day and memorize your lines and
Speaker 2: look good. At twenty one, you had a boyfriend living
Speaker 2: with you or fiance. He might have been a fiance
Speaker 2: by then.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they always are.
Speaker 2: Yeah he was. He was the sweetest guy. But he
Speaker 2: you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Speaker 2: He had no weight on his shoulders. He was living
Speaker 2: fancy free. He wasn't really helping you or supporting you
Speaker 2: in any way. He was just cute and sweet, and
Speaker 2: he played the drums. We got a need. You had
Speaker 2: about seventeen animals. I think you also had a ranch.
Speaker 1: But wait, wait, let's explain to our friends. You came
Speaker 1: into my life initially as my very first assistant ever. Yes,
Speaker 1: and at twenty one I had an assistant, which I
Speaker 1: don't even understand.
Speaker 2: Well, this is exactly why I think you must have
Speaker 2: been so stressed out that Randy had a great thought,
Speaker 2: why don't we get you an assistant? And he found
Speaker 2: me luckily, Thank God for our lives and our paths.
Speaker 2: And I think I walked into your life and it
Speaker 2: was huge, and you were at that point already adulting
Speaker 2: so hard. At twenty one, you were two years out
Speaker 2: of being a teenager, think about your kids, do you
Speaker 2: know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Lola is twenty one right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so think if she had the responsibility that you
Speaker 2: had at her age right now.
Speaker 1: Oh, I wouldn't want that for her right right.
Speaker 2: So here, I am a little bit older and maybe
Speaker 2: had a little more life experience, not much, and I
Speaker 2: think I was somebody who just was standing in front
Speaker 2: of you saying, how can I help? How can I
Speaker 2: ease your stress? How can give me stuff? Give me
Speaker 2: stuff to do, or let's do it together. You always
Speaker 2: like to do stuff together, which I always thought was
Speaker 2: so cute. Instead of just giving me stuff, you would
Speaker 2: be like, well, I've got a list for us for
Speaker 2: the day. But I think it was the first time
Speaker 2: everybody wanted something from you at that time. I mean
Speaker 2: I remember going through piles of paper where there were
Speaker 2: just requests for you to I mean, it's still your life,
Speaker 2: but even more I think than like show up at
Speaker 2: this thing, or sign this thing or donate this. And
Speaker 2: I think about it now and the kind of responsibilities
Speaker 2: you had, and you were also helping people and helping
Speaker 2: family members. Of course you were stressed out. So there's
Speaker 2: what I really want to say to you is there's
Speaker 2: nothing wrong with you. You've had a huge life and you've
Speaker 2: had to be an adult very fast.
Speaker 1: Yeah, adulting not a lot of fun.
Speaker 2: Yeah, especially at twenty one, right, It's like it's not
Speaker 2: It wasn't a natural time to be thrown into major adulting.
Speaker 2: And the other thing is you were so close to
Speaker 2: your mom when you were young, and I think you
Speaker 2: turned to her a lot and she would advise or guide.
Speaker 2: But there was a point you were also at twenty
Speaker 2: one when you were differentiating from your mom and you
Speaker 2: needed space and you needed to be making your own decisions,
Speaker 2: and so you weren't turning to her as much. And
Speaker 2: I think for us it was kind of perfect because
Speaker 2: I think I came into your life at the right
Speaker 2: time where you had a new confidante and you had
Speaker 2: someone that you could like just ask advice from.
Speaker 1: So when did I come to you with this feeling
Speaker 1: that I was experiencing, this feeling of spinning, this feeling
Speaker 1: of the beginning I think of anxiety for me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's such a great question, I think. I mean
Speaker 2: it was fast. We bonded pretty quickly, and I think
Speaker 2: it's because neither of us are that interested in small talk,
Speaker 2: and I think we started talking. We just started going
Speaker 2: for it right away. And I remember it was within
Speaker 2: a couple of months. And I used to carry a
Speaker 2: pager when I first started. It was beeper yeah, beeverer. Wow,
Speaker 2: Oh my god, sorry to age us. Okay, you called
Speaker 2: me late at night like, wait, I beep you. I
Speaker 2: think so or it was a landline. But you called
Speaker 2: me at like ten o'clock at night and you were
Speaker 2: crying and you said, I'm really freaking out. I'm really
Speaker 2: stressed out. My head is spinning and spinning and I'm
Speaker 2: overthinking and I'm hearing like a ringing sound. And I
Speaker 2: was like, oh, she's so anxious, she is so stressed out. Now,
Speaker 2: I didn't have any experience at this I wasn't a
Speaker 2: therapist then, right.
Speaker 1: You didn't have any therapy school or training or anything yet.
Speaker 2: No, but I had been to my own therapy. I'd been.
Speaker 2: I started therapy at nineteen. I was twenty six at
Speaker 2: this time. So I immediately remembered a tool that So
Speaker 2: I can't take credit for this tool, but I was
Speaker 2: given a tool for similar things for you know, stress, anxiety, fear,
Speaker 2: and so I do you remember what I did?
Speaker 1: Yes, no, I remember this vividly, and I don't remember
Speaker 1: that much. So this is a very important time for
Speaker 1: me because this was the first time in my life
Speaker 1: so that anybody ever gave me like a tangible, usable skill,
Speaker 1: like a tool that I could use in my life
Speaker 1: on my own to get me through something that I
Speaker 1: was experiencing. And in this case, it was that spinning feeling,
Speaker 1: that anxious feeling, and at that time it was more
Speaker 1: just like a spinning, spinning, spinning and like what like
Speaker 1: a spinning top kind of feeling. That's how kind of
Speaker 1: my anxiety started to manifest in my body. And you said, okay,
Speaker 1: I want you to just lay down on the couch,
Speaker 1: and I remember I had a similar couch to the
Speaker 1: one I'm sitting on right now, and you said, close
Speaker 1: your eyes. You say it, go ahead. I like it
Speaker 1: better when you say it.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm just listening to you saying, I'm like, god,
Speaker 2: the confidence I had it's twenty six to like just
Speaker 2: walk you through an intervention basically, But yeah, it was
Speaker 2: close your eyes. I want you to picture a stop sign, right,
Speaker 2: And this is an intervention when you can't even grab
Speaker 2: onto a thought, when you are just spinning. You think
Speaker 2: about a stop sign and you picture it, and you
Speaker 2: picture the color of it, you picture the red of it,
Speaker 2: you picture the eight sides of it, and you go
Speaker 2: down every side, the octagonal shape of it, and the line,
Speaker 2: the white line that frames it out. And you spend
Speaker 2: time with the S, and then you spend time with
Speaker 2: the T and the oh, and then you picture the
Speaker 2: P and you think about the word and just spend
Speaker 2: time with the stop sign. And what happens for you
Speaker 2: when you do that.
Speaker 1: I just feel so much calmer. I just did it
Speaker 1: while you're explaining it. Oh, it feels it really does
Speaker 1: for me. That is one trick that just resonated. And
Speaker 1: I have used that since then.
Speaker 2: Amazing. And you told me that the other day and
Speaker 2: I had no idea you were still using it now.
Speaker 1: I still use it. I give it to my daughters
Speaker 1: to use.
Speaker 2: Oh. I love that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it works. It works every time.
Speaker 2: It's an immediate intervention and it's free too, So it's
Speaker 2: a great tool for your listener. Right, any fear, any anxiety,
Speaker 2: any feeling out of control? Right.
Speaker 1: I think so often when one person is spinning in
Speaker 1: this anxiety world and they're in a relationship with someone
Speaker 1: or in a partnership with someone, the other person doesn't
Speaker 1: know how to help them. They don't understand really sometimes,
Speaker 1: but you're trying to make them understand like what you're experiencing.
Speaker 1: And I think for me at that young age, that
Speaker 1: was my experience of it. I didn't really have anybody
Speaker 1: but you and I. I wasn't going to therapy then,
Speaker 1: and you were just like sort of like my guiding force,
Speaker 1: you know, my guiding light of how to come back
Speaker 1: to myself in all that chaos. What happens though, like
Speaker 1: in when you're in a relationship and one person is
Speaker 1: having anxiety about something and they don't know what it
Speaker 1: is or where it's coming from. How do you handle
Speaker 1: that in a partnership?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's so important and it's so misunderstood,
Speaker 2: especially among couples, because most people, when they're in a
Speaker 2: couple ship or they love somebody, when they know they're
Speaker 2: partner suffering, they want to fix it, right, Yeah, But
Speaker 2: that's rarely do we want our partner but actually.
Speaker 1: Right, Oh, I don't want you to fix it. I
Speaker 1: just want you to listen to me.
Speaker 2: Yes, right, So it's our job to kind of actually
Speaker 2: let them know that. So I think anybody who doesn't
Speaker 2: have any of this training, which we never really learned
Speaker 2: this stuff, you know, with a partner, you just want
Speaker 2: to say, you have to have the awareness first, right
Speaker 2: that you are spinning. I feel it in my body.
Speaker 2: I am so strung out right now. I can't even
Speaker 2: grab onto a thought. I'm just letting you know where
Speaker 2: I'm at. I don't need you to do anything. I
Speaker 2: don't need you to fix it. I just need you
Speaker 2: to know and maybe be gentle on me or ask
Speaker 2: me what I need once in a while, because you
Speaker 2: don't even know it at any moment what you need, and.
Speaker 1: You don't know also who else is sitting right next
Speaker 1: to you having experiencing anxiety, right. I feel like so
Speaker 1: many people nowadays are experiencing anxiety with just the state
Speaker 1: of the world and everything that's happening and moving at
Speaker 1: lightning speed all the time, yes, and the immense pressures
Speaker 1: that we put on ourselves to be something we see
Speaker 1: on social media or how we think we're supposed to
Speaker 1: be for others. I know I've spent a great deal
Speaker 1: of my time worrying about that. I still worry about
Speaker 1: that sometimes, And then I have to just like get
Speaker 1: myself under control, like you know, bring myself back to
Speaker 1: my base and mind myself that it doesn't really matter.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's your wisdom as you age, right, because
Speaker 2: I think you have a little bit of distance now
Speaker 2: and a little bit more understanding. And you're watching your
Speaker 2: daughters go through it, so you have that it's externalized
Speaker 2: for you. Right. So you're watching your three beautiful daughters
Speaker 2: going through it and going like, oh my god, that's
Speaker 2: what I do too. I don't want to do that anymore.
Speaker 2: How can I model for them how to do it differently?
Speaker 1: Yeah, well I've tried. But let me ask you this,
Speaker 1: is it something that I've given to my daughters. Is
Speaker 1: it is anxiety like something you pass down in your family?
Speaker 1: Is it a genetic thing or is it of an
Speaker 1: environmental developed You.
Speaker 2: Asked the best questions. I love this like everything. It's
Speaker 2: a little of both. Right, they're going to see it,
Speaker 2: they're going to feel it. They're going to feel your anxiety.
Speaker 2: They're going to take on your anxiety. And there's no
Speaker 2: way you can't do it. So you didn't do anything wrong, right.
Speaker 2: We all screw our kids up, you know, I mean
Speaker 2: that's just part of the part of being a parent.
Speaker 2: That's in the definition of being a parent.
Speaker 1: I said to them, I say to them all the time,
Speaker 1: so when are you going to be in therapy over
Speaker 1: me because of me? They're like, I already am.
Speaker 2: But I also think that I believe it's a great
Speaker 2: question if it's genetic. But boy, anxiety runs in my family.
Speaker 2: I see it. So I don't know if it's just
Speaker 2: that we all absorbed it from generations past, or if
Speaker 2: it's like physiology and physically, you know, we feel certain
Speaker 2: cues that give us anxiety.
Speaker 1: This wasn't even a conversation not that long ago, Like
Speaker 1: people weren't openly talking about suffering from anxiety or anxiety
Speaker 1: disorder or depression. So I remember when Carson Daily started
Speaker 1: talking about his mental health challenges, and things just sort
Speaker 1: of opened up after that point, like everybody started talking
Speaker 1: about it. Yeah, And it's incredible now because the stigma
Speaker 1: has been taken away from talking about it suffering from it,
Speaker 1: And I think that's that's just a huge like opening
Speaker 1: for everybody to start getting a handle on it and
Speaker 1: start helping themselves.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's all really normalized now in a way, which
Speaker 2: when it wasn't. I mean, we lived We've lived in
Speaker 2: Los Angeles for the last thirty to forty years, and
Speaker 2: everybody talks about going to therapy, so we were around
Speaker 2: it a little bit, you know. I mean that's kind
Speaker 2: of a stereotype, but it's also quite true.
Speaker 1: But everybody, but everybody in LA everybody goes.
Speaker 2: And New York. But the other thing is, I think,
Speaker 2: you know you were saying earlier, we live in this
Speaker 2: really unique time right now, between social media, between the pandemic,
Speaker 2: between the last ten years of sort of our you know,
Speaker 2: the political landscape and how stressful it's been, and so
Speaker 2: every people we're all going through the same things kind
Speaker 2: of at the same time, especially when the pandemic hit,
Speaker 2: like it was the first time when I was doing therapy,
Speaker 2: you know, I walked out of my office that March
Speaker 2: thirteenth or whatever, went online and started seeing everybody on
Speaker 2: video on telehealth, and suddenly, for the first time in
Speaker 2: almost twenty years of doing therapy, I was going through
Speaker 2: the same thing my clients were going through at the
Speaker 2: exact same time. And I think because it was a
Speaker 2: worldwide pandemic, it allowed us to really start talking about
Speaker 2: what we're going through our feelings, our fears, and I
Speaker 2: love it. I'm so thrilled to see, especially people with
Speaker 2: the platform, you know, people known people are talking about
Speaker 2: mental health now and normalizing it because guess what, we
Speaker 2: all have mental health issues. There's not a single family,
Speaker 2: there's not a single person walking. It's you know, they
Speaker 2: say one in four people struggle with mental illness. Well,
Speaker 2: we all struggle with mental health issues. So it's it's universal.
Speaker 2: So I hope that everybody that's listening today and thank
Speaker 2: you for listening, and I'm so excited to be here,
Speaker 2: just you know, starts to normalize it. Be gentle on themselves,
Speaker 2: to be gentle on others, ask for help.
Speaker 1: You know, I did that with you so many times.
Speaker 1: I remember when my anxiety started to kick in to
Speaker 1: the next level. And this was a point in my
Speaker 1: life when it was kind of towards the end of
Speaker 1: my marriage with Peter Who and I remember feeling like
Speaker 1: there was an elephant, literally a ginormous, big, bad elephants
Speaker 1: sitting right on my chest and I could wait, this
Speaker 1: is terrible, But every time he would come around me,
Speaker 1: I would have that feeling and I would literally my
Speaker 1: breath would become shallow, and I would just and then
Speaker 1: I would start to focus on the feeling of like
Speaker 1: what is this, what is this feeling I'm feeling in
Speaker 1: my chest? And why am I having a heart attack?
Speaker 1: Like what is going on? And then it would go away,
Speaker 1: and then he would come back and I feel it again.
Speaker 1: And so I started to develop this pattern of like
Speaker 1: whenever a situation was around me that felt bigger than
Speaker 1: I could handle, in that moment, my body would start
Speaker 1: to react in that physical manifestation, that physical feeling in
Speaker 1: my chest. Have you heard that a lot?
Speaker 2: Oh? Yeah? I mean that is the physical manifestation of stress, fear, anxiety.
Speaker 2: And that's why we don't want to ignore that. You know,
Speaker 2: like sometimes maybe some episode, if we talk about listening
Speaker 2: to your gut or following your gut, that's part of
Speaker 2: your body talking to you. Right. It's knocking from the
Speaker 2: inside out, and it's saying like you need to listen
Speaker 2: to me. Something's going on here.
Speaker 1: It's saying hello, yeah.
Speaker 2: Saying hello, please listen to me. Don't be afraid of me, right,
Speaker 2: And what we so often do is shut it out
Speaker 2: and quiet it with a number of things, right, drugs, alcohol,
Speaker 2: ice cream, TV for me, that's my escape.
Speaker 1: Right, But isn't that okay? Yes, yes, I mean not
Speaker 1: the drug point alcohol part.
Speaker 2: Even drugs and alcohol. I mean I'm not talking about
Speaker 2: illicit drugs, right, but like legal drugs or medicine to
Speaker 2: help with you know, your neurotransmitters if you're depressed whatever.
Speaker 1: Of course you're talking like modern day medicine. I was
Speaker 1: talking about elicit drugs.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just like numbing it. Yes, I'm
Speaker 2: also a fan of numbing to a degree, right, I'm
Speaker 2: I'm very much about like being gentle on yourself and
Speaker 2: listening to your body and taking care of yourself. And
Speaker 2: I think numbing out to TV is fine as long
Speaker 2: as you're not doing it for you know, six days
Speaker 2: in a row, ten days in a row. Then you
Speaker 2: start to kind of get concerned about like, okay, as
Speaker 2: this person depressed and we probably need to get them
Speaker 2: moving their body and kind of addressing what's going on.
Speaker 2: But yeah, of course we need all those things, but
Speaker 2: they can't be the only go to either, right, you
Speaker 2: can't go I don't want to hear. I don't want
Speaker 2: to talk to you, elephant. I don't want this elephant
Speaker 2: on my chest. I'm going to just drink.
Speaker 1: That's not that's yeah. I think that's what started to
Speaker 1: happen for me was I didn't know how to stop
Speaker 1: that feeling, and so I did turn to certain drugs
Speaker 1: to help me numb out, help me check out, help
Speaker 1: me deal with it. Yeah, and we were You and
Speaker 1: I've always been super super close, but there have been
Speaker 1: times that I've been like, I cannot call her again
Speaker 1: with this problem.
Speaker 2: I never said to you you can't call me. No,
Speaker 2: you never never set that boundary. You know I'm here,
Speaker 2: but I know you kind of tried to curb your
Speaker 2: your adele needs. I like hearing about the times you
Speaker 2: reached you needed me. I remember, I remember sitting in
Speaker 2: your Remember you're off your primary suite on Info Local Lake,
Speaker 2: in that little like makeup room off the bedroom, and
Speaker 2: I knew you and Peter were in trouble. I'd known
Speaker 2: for a while. I mean, you guys had both let
Speaker 2: me in and you said to me, I'm so scared.
Speaker 2: I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. And
Speaker 2: I said, turn towards your marriage and do everything you
Speaker 2: can to try to save it. And you're like, I
Speaker 2: don't know how, and I said, you've got to give
Speaker 2: it everything you've got, and he's trying. And you said
Speaker 2: to me, and this maybe two intimate to share, and
Speaker 2: you'll say if it is. But you said, it's too
Speaker 2: painful to open my heart and close it every time
Speaker 2: he comes and goes, because he was working so much
Speaker 2: at that time. And I remember, it's kind of making
Speaker 2: me choke up right now, like it broke my heart
Speaker 2: because you have so much love to give, and there
Speaker 2: was love there, you know, like I went through that
Speaker 2: whole eighteen year partnership with you, guys. I was there
Speaker 2: the weekend basically got you guys, met and fell in love.
Speaker 1: Right, you have been through everything with me. This is insane.
Speaker 2: I was there when you told Dan you wanted a
Speaker 2: divorce and fell into my arms.
Speaker 1: Wait, you were there when you planned that first wedding.
Speaker 2: I did plan your first wedding.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then you were there when I got my
Speaker 1: first divorce.
Speaker 2: Uh huh. I was there when you and Peter fall
Speaker 2: in love. Loved Peter. We had so much fun and
Speaker 2: I really saw it. I really got it, and of
Speaker 2: course really saw it and really got the dave of
Speaker 2: it all too, which we'll talk about because you know
Speaker 2: how much I love my Davy. But yeah, yeah, and
Speaker 2: so it was. It was it was heartbreaking and it
Speaker 2: was devastating, and you know, I know you tried. I
Speaker 2: know you did what you could, and I know Peter
Speaker 2: tried to.
Speaker 1: I sometimes think because I have had such a rollercoaster
Speaker 1: emotional journey since gosh, since I was twelve years old,
Speaker 1: Like I I've never been a person that's just even keeled, steady,
Speaker 1: bright and bubbly all the time positive. You know, I
Speaker 1: don't have I don't walk around with like rainbows and
Speaker 1: unicorns lying out of my ass, you know, like people
Speaker 1: expect you to be that way. Me everyone like people, I.
Speaker 2: Have rainbows and unicorns flying out my ass sometimes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've just saying like I felt like something was
Speaker 1: wrong with me all these years, early on being pegged
Speaker 1: with like my nickname from my sisters, which was puddles
Speaker 1: because I cried a lot, and then moving into you know,
Speaker 1: relationships that weren't that stable feeling or safe feeling, yeah,
Speaker 1: and writing that emotional roller coaster and that marriage and
Speaker 1: divorce and marriage and divorce and death and sick kids.
Speaker 1: Like I feel like I've been through so many ups
Speaker 1: and downs as we all have. But I do sometimes think, wait,
Speaker 1: why is something wrong with me that I'm that emotion
Speaker 1: I call it emotion full instead of emotional.
Speaker 2: I like that. It's so interesting because you know, again,
Speaker 2: I know you so well, and I've known you for
Speaker 2: thirty years, and I don't see you That's not how
Speaker 2: I would qualify you. I mean, yes, you have through
Speaker 2: a lot, and I think you have made choices over
Speaker 2: the years that didn't reflect I. Here's maybe why we've
Speaker 2: stayed together all these years too. I see you differently,
Speaker 2: a little bit differently than you see yourself. Yes, I
Speaker 2: think you have had a lot of challenges in your life.
Speaker 2: You were I'm not diagnosing you, but you were a
Speaker 2: parentified child. You had a dad who was sick most
Speaker 2: of his life, so you had to worry on your
Speaker 2: shoulders starting at a very young age. And so the
Speaker 2: puddles thing. You know, you have some depression, but so
Speaker 2: do I.
Speaker 1: We've talked about that, Yeah, I've talked about that. Like
Speaker 1: I remember my dad would say, do you want to
Speaker 1: go to dairy queen? Are you feeling blue? And I
Speaker 1: remember telling you about that and you said I'm blue.
Speaker 2: Too, Like we're just blue beyond.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're just blue. We're blue people like.
Speaker 2: I'm not like yellow, right, but you described me as
Speaker 2: like rainbows unicorns. But I have like a chronic low
Speaker 2: grade depression. I have my whole life since I can remember. It,
Speaker 2: maybe manifest or looks a little bit different for each
Speaker 2: of us.
Speaker 1: It looks different on you because you know how to
Speaker 1: deal with it. I've learned how to deal with it.
Speaker 2: Well. I lean into it. I don't fight against.
Speaker 1: It, right, I've learned to do accept it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but for a long time that okay,
Speaker 2: we're getting to something here. Yes, for a long time
Speaker 2: you didn't accept it. And the question you asked yourself
Speaker 2: is what is wrong with me? Right?
Speaker 1: Why am I this way?
Speaker 2: And it's why I said you're a human being, because
Speaker 2: you're human. We all have something. The other thing I
Speaker 2: would say about you, Jen that a lot of what
Speaker 2: we talk about is the way that you think about things.
Speaker 2: And I think we should do a whole episode on
Speaker 2: this is the is being aware of our thoughts, right,
Speaker 2: because our thoughts affect the way we feel, and the
Speaker 2: way we feel affects our behaviors and our choices. Right,
Speaker 2: that's our big thing is choices here, right.
Speaker 1: Okay, So it starts as a thought yes in your mind, yes, always,
Speaker 1: and you're the only one that's hearing that thought, only
Speaker 1: one hopefully, And then what happens?
Speaker 2: And then that thought creates a feeling? Think about it
Speaker 2: if you're at think about this for a second. If
Speaker 2: you're at Trader Joe's and you are at the register
Speaker 2: and the person who's checking you out is sort of
Speaker 2: unkind or cold, you could have a couple different thoughts.
Speaker 2: You could be like, oh god, what a jerk. They're
Speaker 2: being so rude to me. Right, how do you feel
Speaker 2: when you.
Speaker 1: Have that thought? Mad?
Speaker 2: Exactly? Okay. What if you are standing there and that
Speaker 2: same guy as being a jerk or whatever, and you think, oh,
Speaker 2: he must be having a hard day. What do you
Speaker 2: feel empathy? Oh my god? It starts with a thought, right.
Speaker 2: This is what cognitive therapy is based on. It's like ABC.
Speaker 2: It's like a linear thing. Our thoughts affect our feelings,
Speaker 2: and then if we feel mad, we're gonna like throw
Speaker 2: our money at them right at the register.
Speaker 1: Right, So your thoughts become your feelings, and your feelings
Speaker 1: become your behaviors or your actions.
Speaker 2: Yeah, or your choices, right voices. Yeah, and that's kind
Speaker 2: of where you and I in our long friendship. I'm
Speaker 2: always talking to you sort of regularly, saying like, well, like,
Speaker 2: tell me what you're thinking, and your thinking is stinking.
Speaker 2: Sometimes you're stinking thinking sometimes.
Speaker 1: Ooh, that's a good one.
Speaker 2: I didn't make it up. It's a twelve step platitude.
Speaker 2: I can't take credit. But you you have black and
Speaker 2: white thoughts. You have hard thoughts, and those thoughts set
Speaker 2: you up to feel, have very strong feelings, right, and
Speaker 2: then those strong feelings drive you towards a certain action
Speaker 2: or behavior.
Speaker 1: I want to touch on one thing. Lorraine, my producer,
Speaker 1: wants to understand. She's curious as to why I would
Speaker 1: feel like I had an elephant sitting on my chest
Speaker 1: whenever Peter would come around.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I love that. I'd like to know too.
Speaker 1: Oh I'm supposed to answer it. That was a question
Speaker 1: for you, damn it.
Speaker 2: I can't answer it.
Speaker 1: Well, here's what I know. That feeling had nothing to
Speaker 1: do with Peter. I've had everything to do with me
Speaker 1: and my thoughts in that moment.
Speaker 2: But that's your growth, right. You didn't know it ten
Speaker 2: years ago.
Speaker 1: No, I didn't. I would just sit there and be like,
Speaker 1: what the fuck is happening? Like, why do I feel anxious?
Speaker 1: This is my husband, this is my family, I'm happy,
Speaker 1: look at all that I have. Why am I feeling
Speaker 1: this anxiety? And I would often, you know, share that
Speaker 1: and be sort of met with like, yeah, I don't know,
Speaker 1: I don't know why you have that. Everything's great, so
Speaker 1: must be your problem, and.
Speaker 2: That it was, but it wasn't very loving. Right.
Speaker 1: It was right, but it made it worse because I
Speaker 1: felt so alone in it.
Speaker 2: Okay, good, So what did you What would you have
Speaker 2: wanted to hear from him in that moment?
Speaker 1: Well, now I would have wanted to hear I'm sorry, babe.
Speaker 1: I hear you, and I'm here for you if you
Speaker 1: want to talk about it. If you do you need
Speaker 1: a hug, yeah, because for me, a lot of times
Speaker 1: when I'm feeling spinny or I'm feeling anxious, I need
Speaker 1: a hug. I need a hug from one certain person
Speaker 1: and that is usually my husband. And Dave gets that
Speaker 1: about me. He's learned that a hug will just regulate
Speaker 1: me and just bring me back down to earth.
Speaker 2: I'm not a hugger, Yeah, you're not.
Speaker 1: I don't go around hugging people.
Speaker 2: Right, yeah, now, but it's so beautiful and I love
Speaker 2: that Dave knows that about you. And who knows whether
Speaker 2: you sort of trained him up and let him know
Speaker 2: or if he kind of figured it out, but you
Speaker 2: and you even said it like regulates me, it grounds me,
Speaker 2: so you need It's funny because you know, when I
Speaker 2: think about talking about stress and everything, one of you know,
Speaker 2: one of the tips I was going to share today
Speaker 2: was just like physical grounding, either you know, through a
Speaker 2: partner or a person or a family member or getting outside, right,
Speaker 2: hugging a tree. I know that sounds.
Speaker 1: Okay, hugging a tree.
Speaker 2: Okay, but you would be surprised, how really.
Speaker 1: I love this idea. But I'm just I'm playing Devil's advocate.
Speaker 2: Right please always because people, oh.
Speaker 1: Like, I'm gonna go hug a tree.
Speaker 2: Okay, you'd be surprised. You would be surprised. How I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: I love hugging trees.
Speaker 2: Okay, I can see you doing it later today. I'll
Speaker 2: send you a picture us about it.
Speaker 1: Okay, So ground yourself, hug a tree, put your feet
Speaker 1: in the earth, on the earth.
Speaker 2: Yeah, take a walk, right, I mean if we're talking
Speaker 2: about obviously, like the stop sign is a very accessible,
Speaker 2: immediate free tool. It's an intervention. Another my favorite, actually
Speaker 2: have a couple favorites. My very immediate favorite is breathing
Speaker 2: exercises because my physical manifestation of stress is muscle tension.
Speaker 2: And I'm kind of a fight flight and freeze. I'm
Speaker 2: a freezer, so everything in me just freezes, and so
Speaker 2: a deep breath opens up everything and it just slows.
Speaker 1: Can you just go back for a second and down.
Speaker 1: You said you're a fight flight freezer.
Speaker 2: So in any kind of situation when we're feeling stress
Speaker 2: or tension, there's usually three responses, fight.
Speaker 1: Flight or free when you do all three.
Speaker 2: No, I'm a freezer. You're a freezer bunny like a bunny.
Speaker 1: Like a deer in the headlights kind of thing.
Speaker 2: Yep, that's a that's a yeah, that's a freezer too.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: M So what do you think?
Speaker 1: Okay, let me think, Oh, well, that doesn't take me
Speaker 1: long to answer that one.
Speaker 2: I think I know it is.
Speaker 1: I've been all things though. Honestly, I used to be
Speaker 1: a freezer because I was I didn't know what was
Speaker 1: happening with all the emotions that I was feeling and
Speaker 1: I didn't know which way to turn or what to do.
Speaker 2: So I would just overwhelm and I.
Speaker 1: Would just shut up, and I would let other people
Speaker 1: make the calls and I would just go with whatever
Speaker 1: anybody said.
Speaker 2: I remember those years.
Speaker 1: I've been a flighter because it's just easier.
Speaker 2: Honestly, problems or eyes.
Speaker 1: See, you wouldn't want to be you. But I think
Speaker 1: I would say my general state of being is a fighter,
Speaker 1: because well, when I'm in aries and I have these horns,
Speaker 1: but two because I this sounds so stupid, but I'm
Speaker 1: a seeker, like I want to figure it all out,
Speaker 1: like I want to know what's going on. I want
Speaker 1: to figure it out. I want to fix it, and
Speaker 1: I want to move forward, and I want to do
Speaker 1: a lot of growing along the way.
Speaker 2: But that's the positive version of a fighter. You're fighting
Speaker 2: for something, right, You're fighting for yourself, You're fighting for
Speaker 2: the relationship. You're fighting for your kid's future and their
Speaker 2: well being. That makes sense.
Speaker 1: I used to spend a lot of time fighting, yeah,
Speaker 1: for the wrong reasons.
Speaker 2: Right, But you took your fighter into a more evolved place.
Speaker 1: Thank God. It's exhausting being a fighter and it gives
Speaker 1: you wrinkles.
Speaker 2: So that the intervention or the tip I was going
Speaker 2: to share is breathing, which there is one particular one
Speaker 2: called the four seven eight method to this one tell us.
Speaker 2: So you basically breathe in for seconds.
Speaker 1: Okay, So how am I supposed to count on my head?
Speaker 2: I'm doing this for breath all right, Breathe in for
Speaker 2: four seconds, and when you get to the top of
Speaker 2: the four seconds, hold it for seven.
Speaker 1: Seven.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can do it. Okay, let me try a
Speaker 2: good months and then slowly breathe out for eight counts.
Speaker 2: That is the.
Speaker 1: Yeah, feel a little dizzy with like nothingness like I feel,
Speaker 1: you know that feeling of like just I feel like
Speaker 1: an empty What is this body?
Speaker 2: A vessel?
Speaker 1: A vessel?
Speaker 2: Yeah? So imagine doing that five times.
Speaker 1: Right, or I might pass out.
Speaker 2: Well, the other thing is I noticed you you breathe
Speaker 2: very shallowly. Okay, so try to not just from up
Speaker 2: here in the chest, but try to use your diaphragm
Speaker 2: tap into your actor training.
Speaker 1: Oh that's hard.
Speaker 2: Hold on, okay, So breathe in four counts, hold it
Speaker 2: for seven, and slowly breathe out for eight and release
Speaker 2: the tension in your body.
Speaker 1: I love that one.
Speaker 2: You look like angel, I'm at peace. Yeah, we don't
Speaker 2: do that for her ourselves on a daily basis. Isn't
Speaker 2: that crazy?
Speaker 1: No, we breathe all day long, but we're not paying
Speaker 1: we're not paying attention, and we're not like getting the
Speaker 1: benefits of what a good deep breath can get you.
Speaker 1: I've often thought, Okay, this is just my theory because
Speaker 1: I've helped a couple of people in my life stop smoking. Now,
Speaker 1: I've often thought like, when people smoke, yeah, it's about
Speaker 1: the tobacco, it's about the nicotine, but it's also about
Speaker 1: taking a moment and taking a deep breath and you
Speaker 1: breathe it in and you hold it that awful smoke,
Speaker 1: and then you breathe it out. And then people are like, ah.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's deep breathing. Right, it's a milliment for yourself.
Speaker 2: You're taking your break for yourself. You're deep breathing. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: and I think that some people who quit smoking even
Speaker 2: start practicing deep breathing.
Speaker 1: It's really magical. Yeah, And it's it's nothing. You don't
Speaker 1: have to go anywhere to get it. You don't need
Speaker 1: an app, right, you don't have to pay anything. It's
Speaker 1: just comes with the body.
Speaker 2: It's immediate, and it's free. And here's how I got
Speaker 2: better at it, because again, all the things that I
Speaker 2: do I'm not perfect at. I forget them still, you know,
Speaker 2: I teach these things and I forget to do them sometimes.
Speaker 2: But what happens is again, awareness is so important. Right,
Speaker 2: So if you start to ask yourself, why am I,
Speaker 2: like for the Jenny version of it, when one of
Speaker 2: your awareness pieces could be when you save yourself, why
Speaker 2: am I right? Why am I this? Why am I that?
Speaker 2: Why am I so stressed out? Why am I so angry?
Speaker 2: Why am I so whatever? That's the beginning of your
Speaker 2: awareness for you of like, oh, that's a queue. I'm
Speaker 2: in a stress state. I just need to do some
Speaker 2: four seven eight breathing. I need to take twenty seconds
Speaker 2: and do it. It's free, it's immediate, it is effective.
Speaker 2: It reduces stress everything we're talking about. It increases your mood, it,
Speaker 2: you know, lowers your blood pressure, all the things, all
Speaker 2: the things.
Speaker 1: I am so lucky that you are my best friend.
Speaker 2: I'm lucky too.
Speaker 1: You would never be my actual therapist all these years, Ohted.
Speaker 2: We as therapists can't see people we know as you
Speaker 2: might imagine we wouldn't be particularly objective or unbiased. It
Speaker 2: makes sense, it really does. It was called a dual relationship,
Speaker 2: right to sort of see people that are your friends
Speaker 2: or your family. Or it just doesn't work way too
Speaker 2: it's a quagmar way, too many pitfalls. But as I've
Speaker 2: always said to you, you get it for free anytime.
Speaker 2: I always answer your call.
Speaker 1: You guys, I highly recommend finding yourself. If a best
Speaker 1: friend that's a therapist, you get therapy for free, while
Speaker 1: I'm a science ah thanks for my sessh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love it. I love spending time with you.
Speaker 2: I love talking it out and breaking it down, and
Speaker 2: I know we'll do more of it.
Speaker 1: I love you, bye bye, I love you, bye bye.
Speaker 1: I really needed that. I hope you enjoyed that conversation
Speaker 1: as much as I did. And I love sharing my
Speaker 1: tips and tricks and adele's with you. So this week,
Speaker 1: let's do that. Let's try those out. If you're feeling overwhelmed,
Speaker 1: or you're stressed the f out over one thing or another,
Speaker 1: if you're experiencing anxiety like I described, like that elephant
Speaker 1: on your chest, I want you to remember that stop
Speaker 1: sign trick I've used it for so many years and
Speaker 1: I highly recommend it, or the four seven eight breathing
Speaker 1: that she told us about you. Guys, if you want
Speaker 1: real change in your life, you have to take action.
Speaker 1: You have to choose yourself. And while you're at it,
Speaker 1: I want you to go on over to that mirror,
Speaker 1: look into your eyes, and take a minute with yourself.
Speaker 1: Even if you don't like what you see at this
Speaker 1: very moment, I want you to replace that negative automatic
Speaker 1: reaction with a kinder, more gentle thought. Instead of saying ugh,
Speaker 1: say okay, I see you. Just give that a try.
Speaker 1: I promise you, when you start to replace those old,
Speaker 1: ingrained negative thoughts with loving thoughts, we will start seeing
Speaker 1: and feeling that empathy with ourselves and everyone around us.
Speaker 1: I love you. I'll be right here next week. I
Speaker 1: hope you will too,