WEBVTT - I Choose...To Ask For Help

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hey,

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<v Speaker 1>I am so happy to be here with you again.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you, thank you, Thank you for choosing to come

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<v Speaker 1>here to the I Choose Me podcast to spend some

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<v Speaker 1>time with me. And you know what, I also just

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<v Speaker 1>want to take a second to thank everybody who has

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<v Speaker 1>helped me get to do this with you, all the

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<v Speaker 1>team at iHeart and my life crew, but mostly you.

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<v Speaker 1>You are the reason I get to do this with you.

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<v Speaker 1>You are the reason I want to do this with you.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean it, me wanting and choosing to do a

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<v Speaker 1>podcast came from you. It's because of the connections that

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<v Speaker 1>I felt from all of you, the support you've always

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<v Speaker 1>given me, the people I meet, the comments I see

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<v Speaker 1>and hear. You guys lift me up every time I

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<v Speaker 1>hear from you, and it makes me want to give

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<v Speaker 1>you more and do more with you because at the

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<v Speaker 1>end of the day, you know what, I like you.

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<v Speaker 1>More importantly, I am like you. We are all the same.

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<v Speaker 1>We are all just working it out, finding our way,

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<v Speaker 1>figuring out this amazing life thing, and we're all dealing

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<v Speaker 1>with the same things, the same hurdles, the same challenges.

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<v Speaker 1>On some level, if you think my life looks a

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<v Speaker 1>certain way on the GRAM or the talk or the whatever,

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<v Speaker 1>and that I'm not dealing with the same shit that

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<v Speaker 1>you are, you are mistaken. You may not see that,

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<v Speaker 1>but I promise you it is absolutely true. And the

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<v Speaker 1>sooner we can all recognize that and give in to

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<v Speaker 1>the notion that it's not just me and my story

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<v Speaker 1>and my problems. It's we, our stories, our problems, the

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<v Speaker 1>better off we're going to be. So let's get comfortable

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<v Speaker 1>enough with each other in this new I Choose Me

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<v Speaker 1>community to grow together, because that's what it's all. We

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<v Speaker 1>are here to love and to connect and to grow. Remember,

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<v Speaker 1>if you're not growing, you're slowing, and I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to slow. I don't know about you. So if you're

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<v Speaker 1>like that, if you're like me, which I already know

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<v Speaker 1>you are because you're here with me listening to this podcast,

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<v Speaker 1>let's do this together. It's a lot more fun to

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<v Speaker 1>do life together.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So now I want to introduce you all to a

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<v Speaker 1>very special someone in my life, Adele House, who will

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<v Speaker 1>be gracing us with her wisdom and insights as a

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<v Speaker 1>licensed therapist, our free therapist here at I Choose Me

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<v Speaker 1>I've known Adele for thirty years. This year actually marks

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<v Speaker 1>our thirty year friends of versary. She is the best

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<v Speaker 1>person I know. We can literally ask her anything like this, Adele,

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<v Speaker 1>Jenny Adele, what the fuck is wrong with me? How

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<v Speaker 1>many times if I asked you that question?

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<v Speaker 2>You're a human being?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh that little thing?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you always forget that part. We were just.

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<v Speaker 1>Talking on the phone, remember a couple of days ago.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you remember way back when? Yeah, we were just

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<v Speaker 1>talking about all the stress and all the things. But

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like you my whole life, you've known me.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been stressed out.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, but there's a real reason for that. Right. I

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<v Speaker 2>was thinking about this too, and I was thinking about

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<v Speaker 2>So I met you thirty years ago, right, you were

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<v Speaker 2>twenty one years old. I just want to set the

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<v Speaker 2>stage a little.

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<v Speaker 1>Bit that I walked the stage.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, I walked into your life. You were twenty one

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<v Speaker 2>and I was twenty six. You were on a huge

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<v Speaker 2>hit show, nine of two on Oher. You were you

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<v Speaker 2>were already a homeowner, Like at twenty six, I couldn't

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<v Speaker 2>even fathom being a homeowner. Right, you were internationally faan Right,

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<v Speaker 2>So you were working a job that you had to

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<v Speaker 2>show up to every day and memorize your lines and

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<v Speaker 2>look good. At twenty one, you had a boyfriend living

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<v Speaker 2>with you or fiance. He might have been a fiance

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<v Speaker 2>by then.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, they always are.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah he was. He was the sweetest guy. But he

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<v Speaker 2>you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.

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<v Speaker 2>He had no weight on his shoulders. He was living

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<v Speaker 2>fancy free. He wasn't really helping you or supporting you

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<v Speaker 2>in any way. He was just cute and sweet, and

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<v Speaker 2>he played the drums. We got a need. You had

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<v Speaker 2>about seventeen animals. I think you also had a ranch.

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<v Speaker 1>But wait, wait, let's explain to our friends. You came

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<v Speaker 1>into my life initially as my very first assistant ever. Yes,

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<v Speaker 1>and at twenty one I had an assistant, which I

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<v Speaker 1>don't even understand.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, this is exactly why I think you must have

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<v Speaker 2>been so stressed out that Randy had a great thought,

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<v Speaker 2>why don't we get you an assistant? And he found

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<v Speaker 2>me luckily, Thank God for our lives and our paths.

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<v Speaker 2>And I think I walked into your life and it

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<v Speaker 2>was huge, and you were at that point already adulting

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<v Speaker 2>so hard. At twenty one, you were two years out

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<v Speaker 2>of being a teenager, think about your kids, do you

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<v Speaker 2>know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 1>Lola is twenty one right now.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so think if she had the responsibility that you

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<v Speaker 2>had at her age right now.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, I wouldn't want that for her right right.

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<v Speaker 2>So here, I am a little bit older and maybe

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<v Speaker 2>had a little more life experience, not much, and I

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<v Speaker 2>think I was somebody who just was standing in front

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<v Speaker 2>of you saying, how can I help? How can I

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<v Speaker 2>ease your stress? How can give me stuff? Give me

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<v Speaker 2>stuff to do, or let's do it together. You always

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<v Speaker 2>like to do stuff together, which I always thought was

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<v Speaker 2>so cute. Instead of just giving me stuff, you would

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<v Speaker 2>be like, well, I've got a list for us for

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<v Speaker 2>the day. But I think it was the first time

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<v Speaker 2>everybody wanted something from you at that time. I mean

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<v Speaker 2>I remember going through piles of paper where there were

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<v Speaker 2>just requests for you to I mean, it's still your life,

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<v Speaker 2>but even more I think than like show up at

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<v Speaker 2>this thing, or sign this thing or donate this. And

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<v Speaker 2>I think about it now and the kind of responsibilities

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<v Speaker 2>you had, and you were also helping people and helping

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<v Speaker 2>family members. Of course you were stressed out. So there's

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<v Speaker 2>what I really want to say to you is there's

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<v Speaker 2>nothing wrong with you. You've had a huge life and you've

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<v Speaker 2>had to be an adult very fast.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, adulting not a lot of fun.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, especially at twenty one, right, It's like it's not

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<v Speaker 2>It wasn't a natural time to be thrown into major adulting.

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<v Speaker 2>And the other thing is you were so close to

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<v Speaker 2>your mom when you were young, and I think you

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<v Speaker 2>turned to her a lot and she would advise or guide.

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<v Speaker 2>But there was a point you were also at twenty

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<v Speaker 2>one when you were differentiating from your mom and you

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<v Speaker 2>needed space and you needed to be making your own decisions,

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<v Speaker 2>and so you weren't turning to her as much. And

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<v Speaker 2>I think for us it was kind of perfect because

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<v Speaker 2>I think I came into your life at the right

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<v Speaker 2>time where you had a new confidante and you had

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<v Speaker 2>someone that you could like just ask advice from.

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<v Speaker 1>So when did I come to you with this feeling

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<v Speaker 1>that I was experiencing, this feeling of spinning, this feeling

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<v Speaker 1>of the beginning I think of anxiety for me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's such a great question, I think. I mean

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<v Speaker 2>it was fast. We bonded pretty quickly, and I think

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<v Speaker 2>it's because neither of us are that interested in small talk,

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<v Speaker 2>and I think we started talking. We just started going

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<v Speaker 2>for it right away. And I remember it was within

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<v Speaker 2>a couple of months. And I used to carry a

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<v Speaker 2>pager when I first started. It was beeper yeah, beeverer. Wow,

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, sorry to age us. Okay, you called

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<v Speaker 2>me late at night like, wait, I beep you. I

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<v Speaker 2>think so or it was a landline. But you called

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<v Speaker 2>me at like ten o'clock at night and you were

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<v Speaker 2>crying and you said, I'm really freaking out. I'm really

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<v Speaker 2>stressed out. My head is spinning and spinning and I'm

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<v Speaker 2>overthinking and I'm hearing like a ringing sound. And I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, oh, she's so anxious, she is so stressed out. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't have any experience at this I wasn't a

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<v Speaker 2>therapist then, right.

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<v Speaker 1>You didn't have any therapy school or training or anything yet.

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<v Speaker 2>No, but I had been to my own therapy. I'd been.

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<v Speaker 2>I started therapy at nineteen. I was twenty six at

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<v Speaker 2>this time. So I immediately remembered a tool that So

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<v Speaker 2>I can't take credit for this tool, but I was

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<v Speaker 2>given a tool for similar things for you know, stress, anxiety, fear,

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<v Speaker 2>and so I do you remember what I did?

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, no, I remember this vividly, and I don't remember

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<v Speaker 1>that much. So this is a very important time for

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<v Speaker 1>me because this was the first time in my life

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<v Speaker 1>so that anybody ever gave me like a tangible, usable skill,

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<v Speaker 1>like a tool that I could use in my life

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<v Speaker 1>on my own to get me through something that I

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<v Speaker 1>was experiencing. And in this case, it was that spinning feeling,

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<v Speaker 1>that anxious feeling, and at that time it was more

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<v Speaker 1>just like a spinning, spinning, spinning and like what like

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<v Speaker 1>a spinning top kind of feeling. That's how kind of

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<v Speaker 1>my anxiety started to manifest in my body. And you said, okay,

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<v Speaker 1>I want you to just lay down on the couch,

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<v Speaker 1>and I remember I had a similar couch to the

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<v Speaker 1>one I'm sitting on right now, and you said, close

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<v Speaker 1>your eyes. You say it, go ahead. I like it

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<v Speaker 1>better when you say it.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm just listening to you saying, I'm like, god,

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<v Speaker 2>the confidence I had it's twenty six to like just

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<v Speaker 2>walk you through an intervention basically, But yeah, it was

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<v Speaker 2>close your eyes. I want you to picture a stop sign, right,

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<v Speaker 2>And this is an intervention when you can't even grab

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<v Speaker 2>onto a thought, when you are just spinning. You think

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<v Speaker 2>about a stop sign and you picture it, and you

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<v Speaker 2>picture the color of it, you picture the red of it,

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<v Speaker 2>you picture the eight sides of it, and you go

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<v Speaker 2>down every side, the octagonal shape of it, and the line,

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<v Speaker 2>the white line that frames it out. And you spend

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<v Speaker 2>time with the S, and then you spend time with

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<v Speaker 2>the T and the oh, and then you picture the

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<v Speaker 2>P and you think about the word and just spend

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<v Speaker 2>time with the stop sign. And what happens for you

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<v Speaker 2>when you do that.

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<v Speaker 1>I just feel so much calmer. I just did it

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<v Speaker 1>while you're explaining it. Oh, it feels it really does

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<v Speaker 1>for me. That is one trick that just resonated. And

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<v Speaker 1>I have used that since then.

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<v Speaker 2>Amazing. And you told me that the other day and

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<v Speaker 2>I had no idea you were still using it now.

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<v Speaker 1>I still use it. I give it to my daughters

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<v Speaker 1>to use.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh. I love that.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And it works. It works every time.

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<v Speaker 2>It's an immediate intervention and it's free too, So it's

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<v Speaker 2>a great tool for your listener. Right, any fear, any anxiety,

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<v Speaker 2>any feeling out of control? Right.

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<v Speaker 1>I think so often when one person is spinning in

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<v Speaker 1>this anxiety world and they're in a relationship with someone

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<v Speaker 1>or in a partnership with someone, the other person doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>know how to help them. They don't understand really sometimes,

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<v Speaker 1>but you're trying to make them understand like what you're experiencing.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think for me at that young age, that

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<v Speaker 1>was my experience of it. I didn't really have anybody

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<v Speaker 1>but you and I. I wasn't going to therapy then,

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<v Speaker 1>and you were just like sort of like my guiding force,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, my guiding light of how to come back

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<v Speaker 1>to myself in all that chaos. What happens though, like

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<v Speaker 1>in when you're in a relationship and one person is

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<v Speaker 1>having anxiety about something and they don't know what it

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<v Speaker 1>is or where it's coming from. How do you handle

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<v Speaker 1>that in a partnership?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think that's so important and it's so misunderstood,

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<v Speaker 2>especially among couples, because most people, when they're in a

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<v Speaker 2>couple ship or they love somebody, when they know they're

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<v Speaker 2>partner suffering, they want to fix it, right, Yeah, But

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<v Speaker 2>that's rarely do we want our partner but actually.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, Oh, I don't want you to fix it. I

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<v Speaker 1>just want you to listen to me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, right, So it's our job to kind of actually

0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:10.480
<v Speaker 2>let them know that. So I think anybody who doesn't

0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.720
<v Speaker 2>have any of this training, which we never really learned

0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:16.199
<v Speaker 2>this stuff, you know, with a partner, you just want

0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:19.240
<v Speaker 2>to say, you have to have the awareness first, right

0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:22.800
<v Speaker 2>that you are spinning. I feel it in my body.

0:13:22.840 --> 0:13:24.600
<v Speaker 2>I am so strung out right now. I can't even

0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:28.360
<v Speaker 2>grab onto a thought. I'm just letting you know where

0:13:28.360 --> 0:13:30.400
<v Speaker 2>I'm at. I don't need you to do anything. I

0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:32.439
<v Speaker 2>don't need you to fix it. I just need you

0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:35.880
<v Speaker 2>to know and maybe be gentle on me or ask

0:13:36.000 --> 0:13:39.080
<v Speaker 2>me what I need once in a while, because you

0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:41.680
<v Speaker 2>don't even know it at any moment what you need, and.

0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:44.440
<v Speaker 1>You don't know also who else is sitting right next

0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:49.320
<v Speaker 1>to you having experiencing anxiety, right. I feel like so

0:13:49.440 --> 0:13:53.800
<v Speaker 1>many people nowadays are experiencing anxiety with just the state

0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.360
<v Speaker 1>of the world and everything that's happening and moving at

0:13:56.440 --> 0:14:01.880
<v Speaker 1>lightning speed all the time, yes, and the immense pressures

0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:05.440
<v Speaker 1>that we put on ourselves to be something we see

0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:08.800
<v Speaker 1>on social media or how we think we're supposed to

0:14:08.880 --> 0:14:12.560
<v Speaker 1>be for others. I know I've spent a great deal

0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:16.000
<v Speaker 1>of my time worrying about that. I still worry about

0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:17.880
<v Speaker 1>that sometimes, And then I have to just like get

0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:21.600
<v Speaker 1>myself under control, like you know, bring myself back to

0:14:21.600 --> 0:14:25.000
<v Speaker 1>my base and mind myself that it doesn't really matter.

0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:29.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and that's your wisdom as you age, right, because

0:14:29.520 --> 0:14:32.360
<v Speaker 2>I think you have a little bit of distance now

0:14:32.400 --> 0:14:34.520
<v Speaker 2>and a little bit more understanding. And you're watching your

0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:38.280
<v Speaker 2>daughters go through it, so you have that it's externalized

0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:41.000
<v Speaker 2>for you. Right. So you're watching your three beautiful daughters

0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:42.760
<v Speaker 2>going through it and going like, oh my god, that's

0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:44.640
<v Speaker 2>what I do too. I don't want to do that anymore.

0:14:44.960 --> 0:14:46.960
<v Speaker 2>How can I model for them how to do it differently?

0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:51.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, well I've tried. But let me ask you this,

0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:54.480
<v Speaker 1>is it something that I've given to my daughters. Is

0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:58.560
<v Speaker 1>it is anxiety like something you pass down in your family?

0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:01.320
<v Speaker 1>Is it a genetic thing or is it of an

0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:04.120
<v Speaker 1>environmental developed You.

0:15:04.000 --> 0:15:06.960
<v Speaker 2>Asked the best questions. I love this like everything. It's

0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:09.400
<v Speaker 2>a little of both. Right, they're going to see it,

0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:11.520
<v Speaker 2>they're going to feel it. They're going to feel your anxiety.

0:15:11.520 --> 0:15:13.840
<v Speaker 2>They're going to take on your anxiety. And there's no

0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:18.000
<v Speaker 2>way you can't do it. So you didn't do anything wrong, right.

0:15:19.320 --> 0:15:21.320
<v Speaker 2>We all screw our kids up, you know, I mean

0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:23.320
<v Speaker 2>that's just part of the part of being a parent.

0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:25.320
<v Speaker 2>That's in the definition of being a parent.

0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:27.200
<v Speaker 1>I said to them, I say to them all the time,

0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:29.680
<v Speaker 1>so when are you going to be in therapy over

0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:34.560
<v Speaker 1>me because of me? They're like, I already am.

0:15:34.920 --> 0:15:40.240
<v Speaker 2>But I also think that I believe it's a great

0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:43.560
<v Speaker 2>question if it's genetic. But boy, anxiety runs in my family.

0:15:43.640 --> 0:15:46.160
<v Speaker 2>I see it. So I don't know if it's just

0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:50.000
<v Speaker 2>that we all absorbed it from generations past, or if

0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:54.240
<v Speaker 2>it's like physiology and physically, you know, we feel certain

0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:56.280
<v Speaker 2>cues that give us anxiety.

0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:01.480
<v Speaker 1>This wasn't even a conversation not that long ago, Like

0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:05.880
<v Speaker 1>people weren't openly talking about suffering from anxiety or anxiety

0:16:05.920 --> 0:16:12.520
<v Speaker 1>disorder or depression. So I remember when Carson Daily started

0:16:12.560 --> 0:16:17.840
<v Speaker 1>talking about his mental health challenges, and things just sort

0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:21.000
<v Speaker 1>of opened up after that point, like everybody started talking

0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:25.160
<v Speaker 1>about it. Yeah, And it's incredible now because the stigma

0:16:25.520 --> 0:16:29.800
<v Speaker 1>has been taken away from talking about it suffering from it,

0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:34.000
<v Speaker 1>And I think that's that's just a huge like opening

0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:38.000
<v Speaker 1>for everybody to start getting a handle on it and

0:16:38.160 --> 0:16:40.040
<v Speaker 1>start helping themselves.

0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:42.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's all really normalized now in a way, which

0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:45.680
<v Speaker 2>when it wasn't. I mean, we lived We've lived in

0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:49.280
<v Speaker 2>Los Angeles for the last thirty to forty years, and

0:16:49.600 --> 0:16:52.120
<v Speaker 2>everybody talks about going to therapy, so we were around

0:16:52.160 --> 0:16:54.840
<v Speaker 2>it a little bit, you know. I mean that's kind

0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:57.120
<v Speaker 2>of a stereotype, but it's also quite true.

0:16:57.520 --> 0:16:59.960
<v Speaker 1>But everybody, but everybody in LA everybody goes.

0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:03.640
<v Speaker 2>And New York. But the other thing is, I think,

0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:05.359
<v Speaker 2>you know you were saying earlier, we live in this

0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:09.119
<v Speaker 2>really unique time right now, between social media, between the pandemic,

0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:12.040
<v Speaker 2>between the last ten years of sort of our you know,

0:17:12.080 --> 0:17:16.320
<v Speaker 2>the political landscape and how stressful it's been, and so

0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:20.640
<v Speaker 2>every people we're all going through the same things kind

0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:23.040
<v Speaker 2>of at the same time, especially when the pandemic hit,

0:17:23.160 --> 0:17:25.280
<v Speaker 2>like it was the first time when I was doing therapy,

0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.399
<v Speaker 2>you know, I walked out of my office that March

0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:32.040
<v Speaker 2>thirteenth or whatever, went online and started seeing everybody on

0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:36.560
<v Speaker 2>video on telehealth, and suddenly, for the first time in

0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:39.200
<v Speaker 2>almost twenty years of doing therapy, I was going through

0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:41.480
<v Speaker 2>the same thing my clients were going through at the

0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:45.399
<v Speaker 2>exact same time. And I think because it was a

0:17:45.440 --> 0:17:51.720
<v Speaker 2>worldwide pandemic, it allowed us to really start talking about

0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:55.639
<v Speaker 2>what we're going through our feelings, our fears, and I

0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:58.000
<v Speaker 2>love it. I'm so thrilled to see, especially people with

0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:03.080
<v Speaker 2>the platform, you know, people known people are talking about

0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:06.680
<v Speaker 2>mental health now and normalizing it because guess what, we

0:18:06.840 --> 0:18:09.920
<v Speaker 2>all have mental health issues. There's not a single family,

0:18:10.359 --> 0:18:13.159
<v Speaker 2>there's not a single person walking. It's you know, they

0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.760
<v Speaker 2>say one in four people struggle with mental illness. Well,

0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:21.560
<v Speaker 2>we all struggle with mental health issues. So it's it's universal.

0:18:21.640 --> 0:18:24.080
<v Speaker 2>So I hope that everybody that's listening today and thank

0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:26.240
<v Speaker 2>you for listening, and I'm so excited to be here,

0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:31.360
<v Speaker 2>just you know, starts to normalize it. Be gentle on themselves,

0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:34.040
<v Speaker 2>to be gentle on others, ask for help.

0:18:35.160 --> 0:18:38.240
<v Speaker 1>You know, I did that with you so many times.

0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:43.200
<v Speaker 1>I remember when my anxiety started to kick in to

0:18:43.320 --> 0:18:45.639
<v Speaker 1>the next level. And this was a point in my

0:18:45.680 --> 0:18:49.960
<v Speaker 1>life when it was kind of towards the end of

0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:55.679
<v Speaker 1>my marriage with Peter Who and I remember feeling like

0:18:55.880 --> 0:19:00.879
<v Speaker 1>there was an elephant, literally a ginormous, big, bad elephants

0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:05.480
<v Speaker 1>sitting right on my chest and I could wait, this

0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:08.639
<v Speaker 1>is terrible, But every time he would come around me,

0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:11.960
<v Speaker 1>I would have that feeling and I would literally my

0:19:12.040 --> 0:19:15.800
<v Speaker 1>breath would become shallow, and I would just and then

0:19:15.800 --> 0:19:17.800
<v Speaker 1>I would start to focus on the feeling of like

0:19:18.560 --> 0:19:21.040
<v Speaker 1>what is this, what is this feeling I'm feeling in

0:19:21.080 --> 0:19:23.040
<v Speaker 1>my chest? And why am I having a heart attack?

0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:27.200
<v Speaker 1>Like what is going on? And then it would go away,

0:19:27.600 --> 0:19:30.440
<v Speaker 1>and then he would come back and I feel it again.

0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:34.399
<v Speaker 1>And so I started to develop this pattern of like

0:19:34.440 --> 0:19:40.000
<v Speaker 1>whenever a situation was around me that felt bigger than

0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:43.160
<v Speaker 1>I could handle, in that moment, my body would start

0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:46.840
<v Speaker 1>to react in that physical manifestation, that physical feeling in

0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:50.320
<v Speaker 1>my chest. Have you heard that a lot?

0:19:50.720 --> 0:19:56.160
<v Speaker 2>Oh? Yeah? I mean that is the physical manifestation of stress, fear, anxiety.

0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:00.320
<v Speaker 2>And that's why we don't want to ignore that. You know,

0:20:00.400 --> 0:20:03.240
<v Speaker 2>like sometimes maybe some episode, if we talk about listening

0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:05.879
<v Speaker 2>to your gut or following your gut, that's part of

0:20:05.880 --> 0:20:08.280
<v Speaker 2>your body talking to you. Right. It's knocking from the

0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:10.520
<v Speaker 2>inside out, and it's saying like you need to listen

0:20:10.560 --> 0:20:12.120
<v Speaker 2>to me. Something's going on here.

0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:16.000
<v Speaker 1>It's saying hello, yeah.

0:20:15.480 --> 0:20:19.240
<v Speaker 2>Saying hello, please listen to me. Don't be afraid of me, right,

0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.720
<v Speaker 2>And what we so often do is shut it out

0:20:22.760 --> 0:20:26.240
<v Speaker 2>and quiet it with a number of things, right, drugs, alcohol,

0:20:26.359 --> 0:20:30.600
<v Speaker 2>ice cream, TV for me, that's my escape.

0:20:30.560 --> 0:20:34.040
<v Speaker 1>Right, But isn't that okay? Yes, yes, I mean not

0:20:34.119 --> 0:20:35.600
<v Speaker 1>the drug point alcohol part.

0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:39.440
<v Speaker 2>Even drugs and alcohol. I mean I'm not talking about

0:20:39.440 --> 0:20:44.359
<v Speaker 2>illicit drugs, right, but like legal drugs or medicine to

0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:48.520
<v Speaker 2>help with you know, your neurotransmitters if you're depressed whatever.

0:20:48.640 --> 0:20:52.240
<v Speaker 1>Of course you're talking like modern day medicine. I was

0:20:52.240 --> 0:20:53.840
<v Speaker 1>talking about elicit drugs.

0:20:53.880 --> 0:20:58.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just like numbing it. Yes, I'm

0:20:58.440 --> 0:21:02.760
<v Speaker 2>also a fan of numbing to a degree, right, I'm

0:21:03.359 --> 0:21:06.639
<v Speaker 2>I'm very much about like being gentle on yourself and

0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:09.320
<v Speaker 2>listening to your body and taking care of yourself. And

0:21:09.400 --> 0:21:11.560
<v Speaker 2>I think numbing out to TV is fine as long

0:21:11.600 --> 0:21:14.480
<v Speaker 2>as you're not doing it for you know, six days

0:21:14.480 --> 0:21:16.159
<v Speaker 2>in a row, ten days in a row. Then you

0:21:16.200 --> 0:21:18.280
<v Speaker 2>start to kind of get concerned about like, okay, as

0:21:18.280 --> 0:21:21.040
<v Speaker 2>this person depressed and we probably need to get them

0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:23.800
<v Speaker 2>moving their body and kind of addressing what's going on.

0:21:23.960 --> 0:21:27.560
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, of course we need all those things, but

0:21:27.560 --> 0:21:30.800
<v Speaker 2>they can't be the only go to either, right, you

0:21:30.840 --> 0:21:32.520
<v Speaker 2>can't go I don't want to hear. I don't want

0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:34.439
<v Speaker 2>to talk to you, elephant. I don't want this elephant

0:21:34.440 --> 0:21:35.840
<v Speaker 2>on my chest. I'm going to just drink.

0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:39.080
<v Speaker 1>That's not that's yeah. I think that's what started to

0:21:39.119 --> 0:21:43.719
<v Speaker 1>happen for me was I didn't know how to stop

0:21:43.760 --> 0:21:47.560
<v Speaker 1>that feeling, and so I did turn to certain drugs

0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:51.480
<v Speaker 1>to help me numb out, help me check out, help

0:21:51.640 --> 0:21:56.040
<v Speaker 1>me deal with it. Yeah, and we were You and

0:21:56.119 --> 0:21:58.800
<v Speaker 1>I've always been super super close, but there have been

0:21:58.840 --> 0:22:01.879
<v Speaker 1>times that I've been like, I cannot call her again

0:22:02.359 --> 0:22:03.439
<v Speaker 1>with this problem.

0:22:04.800 --> 0:22:07.280
<v Speaker 2>I never said to you you can't call me. No,

0:22:07.480 --> 0:22:10.400
<v Speaker 2>you never never set that boundary. You know I'm here,

0:22:10.640 --> 0:22:13.080
<v Speaker 2>but I know you kind of tried to curb your

0:22:13.600 --> 0:22:18.480
<v Speaker 2>your adele needs. I like hearing about the times you

0:22:18.520 --> 0:22:23.480
<v Speaker 2>reached you needed me. I remember, I remember sitting in

0:22:23.520 --> 0:22:28.640
<v Speaker 2>your Remember you're off your primary suite on Info Local Lake,

0:22:29.320 --> 0:22:33.199
<v Speaker 2>in that little like makeup room off the bedroom, and

0:22:33.240 --> 0:22:36.080
<v Speaker 2>I knew you and Peter were in trouble. I'd known

0:22:36.160 --> 0:22:37.879
<v Speaker 2>for a while. I mean, you guys had both let

0:22:37.960 --> 0:22:42.000
<v Speaker 2>me in and you said to me, I'm so scared.

0:22:42.040 --> 0:22:43.719
<v Speaker 2>I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. And

0:22:43.760 --> 0:22:48.200
<v Speaker 2>I said, turn towards your marriage and do everything you

0:22:48.240 --> 0:22:50.280
<v Speaker 2>can to try to save it. And you're like, I

0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:53.080
<v Speaker 2>don't know how, and I said, you've got to give

0:22:53.119 --> 0:22:57.800
<v Speaker 2>it everything you've got, and he's trying. And you said

0:22:57.840 --> 0:23:01.120
<v Speaker 2>to me, and this maybe two intimate to share, and

0:23:01.480 --> 0:23:04.640
<v Speaker 2>you'll say if it is. But you said, it's too

0:23:04.800 --> 0:23:08.480
<v Speaker 2>painful to open my heart and close it every time

0:23:08.520 --> 0:23:10.440
<v Speaker 2>he comes and goes, because he was working so much

0:23:10.480 --> 0:23:12.760
<v Speaker 2>at that time. And I remember, it's kind of making

0:23:12.760 --> 0:23:15.199
<v Speaker 2>me choke up right now, like it broke my heart

0:23:15.280 --> 0:23:20.560
<v Speaker 2>because you have so much love to give, and there

0:23:20.640 --> 0:23:23.280
<v Speaker 2>was love there, you know, like I went through that

0:23:23.320 --> 0:23:26.320
<v Speaker 2>whole eighteen year partnership with you, guys. I was there

0:23:27.440 --> 0:23:30.280
<v Speaker 2>the weekend basically got you guys, met and fell in love.

0:23:31.200 --> 0:23:34.480
<v Speaker 1>Right, you have been through everything with me. This is insane.

0:23:34.880 --> 0:23:38.159
<v Speaker 2>I was there when you told Dan you wanted a

0:23:38.240 --> 0:23:40.360
<v Speaker 2>divorce and fell into my arms.

0:23:40.680 --> 0:23:43.560
<v Speaker 1>Wait, you were there when you planned that first wedding.

0:23:44.000 --> 0:23:45.320
<v Speaker 2>I did plan your first wedding.

0:23:45.680 --> 0:23:48.639
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And then you were there when I got my

0:23:48.680 --> 0:23:49.840
<v Speaker 1>first divorce.

0:23:49.840 --> 0:23:51.960
<v Speaker 2>Uh huh. I was there when you and Peter fall

0:23:51.960 --> 0:23:55.280
<v Speaker 2>in love. Loved Peter. We had so much fun and

0:23:56.080 --> 0:23:58.600
<v Speaker 2>I really saw it. I really got it, and of

0:23:58.600 --> 0:24:00.960
<v Speaker 2>course really saw it and really got the dave of

0:24:01.000 --> 0:24:02.720
<v Speaker 2>it all too, which we'll talk about because you know

0:24:02.760 --> 0:24:07.640
<v Speaker 2>how much I love my Davy. But yeah, yeah, and

0:24:08.200 --> 0:24:11.439
<v Speaker 2>so it was. It was it was heartbreaking and it

0:24:11.520 --> 0:24:16.080
<v Speaker 2>was devastating, and you know, I know you tried. I

0:24:16.119 --> 0:24:18.440
<v Speaker 2>know you did what you could, and I know Peter

0:24:18.560 --> 0:24:18.960
<v Speaker 2>tried to.

0:24:19.760 --> 0:24:25.480
<v Speaker 1>I sometimes think because I have had such a rollercoaster

0:24:26.160 --> 0:24:32.680
<v Speaker 1>emotional journey since gosh, since I was twelve years old,

0:24:32.760 --> 0:24:38.000
<v Speaker 1>Like I I've never been a person that's just even keeled, steady,

0:24:38.640 --> 0:24:42.760
<v Speaker 1>bright and bubbly all the time positive. You know, I

0:24:42.800 --> 0:24:45.520
<v Speaker 1>don't have I don't walk around with like rainbows and

0:24:45.720 --> 0:24:49.280
<v Speaker 1>unicorns lying out of my ass, you know, like people

0:24:49.359 --> 0:24:54.639
<v Speaker 1>expect you to be that way. Me everyone like people, I.

0:24:54.800 --> 0:24:57.800
<v Speaker 2>Have rainbows and unicorns flying out my ass sometimes.

0:24:57.920 --> 0:25:02.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I've just saying like I felt like something was

0:25:02.359 --> 0:25:08.400
<v Speaker 1>wrong with me all these years, early on being pegged

0:25:08.480 --> 0:25:12.520
<v Speaker 1>with like my nickname from my sisters, which was puddles

0:25:13.760 --> 0:25:19.520
<v Speaker 1>because I cried a lot, and then moving into you know,

0:25:19.800 --> 0:25:25.040
<v Speaker 1>relationships that weren't that stable feeling or safe feeling, yeah,

0:25:25.040 --> 0:25:28.679
<v Speaker 1>and writing that emotional roller coaster and that marriage and

0:25:28.680 --> 0:25:33.680
<v Speaker 1>divorce and marriage and divorce and death and sick kids.

0:25:33.680 --> 0:25:36.200
<v Speaker 1>Like I feel like I've been through so many ups

0:25:36.200 --> 0:25:39.320
<v Speaker 1>and downs as we all have. But I do sometimes think, wait,

0:25:39.440 --> 0:25:42.840
<v Speaker 1>why is something wrong with me that I'm that emotion

0:25:43.000 --> 0:25:46.320
<v Speaker 1>I call it emotion full instead of emotional.

0:25:47.119 --> 0:25:49.760
<v Speaker 2>I like that. It's so interesting because you know, again,

0:25:49.960 --> 0:25:51.920
<v Speaker 2>I know you so well, and I've known you for

0:25:51.960 --> 0:25:56.119
<v Speaker 2>thirty years, and I don't see you That's not how

0:25:56.160 --> 0:26:01.000
<v Speaker 2>I would qualify you. I mean, yes, you have through

0:26:01.200 --> 0:26:05.359
<v Speaker 2>a lot, and I think you have made choices over

0:26:05.400 --> 0:26:08.480
<v Speaker 2>the years that didn't reflect I. Here's maybe why we've

0:26:08.520 --> 0:26:12.720
<v Speaker 2>stayed together all these years too. I see you differently,

0:26:12.720 --> 0:26:14.560
<v Speaker 2>a little bit differently than you see yourself. Yes, I

0:26:14.640 --> 0:26:17.160
<v Speaker 2>think you have had a lot of challenges in your life.

0:26:17.240 --> 0:26:20.600
<v Speaker 2>You were I'm not diagnosing you, but you were a

0:26:20.640 --> 0:26:24.200
<v Speaker 2>parentified child. You had a dad who was sick most

0:26:24.200 --> 0:26:27.040
<v Speaker 2>of his life, so you had to worry on your

0:26:27.080 --> 0:26:32.240
<v Speaker 2>shoulders starting at a very young age. And so the

0:26:32.320 --> 0:26:35.959
<v Speaker 2>puddles thing. You know, you have some depression, but so

0:26:36.040 --> 0:26:36.600
<v Speaker 2>do I.

0:26:36.680 --> 0:26:39.040
<v Speaker 1>We've talked about that, Yeah, I've talked about that. Like

0:26:39.200 --> 0:26:41.600
<v Speaker 1>I remember my dad would say, do you want to

0:26:41.640 --> 0:26:45.600
<v Speaker 1>go to dairy queen? Are you feeling blue? And I

0:26:45.640 --> 0:26:48.920
<v Speaker 1>remember telling you about that and you said I'm blue.

0:26:48.640 --> 0:26:52.280
<v Speaker 2>Too, Like we're just blue beyond.

0:26:52.480 --> 0:26:54.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, we're just blue. We're blue people like.

0:26:54.680 --> 0:26:59.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm not like yellow, right, but you described me as

0:26:59.160 --> 0:27:03.920
<v Speaker 2>like rainbows unicorns. But I have like a chronic low

0:27:03.920 --> 0:27:07.520
<v Speaker 2>grade depression. I have my whole life since I can remember. It,

0:27:07.560 --> 0:27:10.440
<v Speaker 2>maybe manifest or looks a little bit different for each

0:27:10.480 --> 0:27:10.800
<v Speaker 2>of us.

0:27:11.080 --> 0:27:13.560
<v Speaker 1>It looks different on you because you know how to

0:27:13.600 --> 0:27:16.000
<v Speaker 1>deal with it. I've learned how to deal with it.

0:27:16.480 --> 0:27:19.280
<v Speaker 2>Well. I lean into it. I don't fight against.

0:27:19.040 --> 0:27:21.040
<v Speaker 1>It, right, I've learned to do accept it.

0:27:21.160 --> 0:27:23.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, yeah, but for a long time that okay,

0:27:23.400 --> 0:27:25.280
<v Speaker 2>we're getting to something here. Yes, for a long time

0:27:25.320 --> 0:27:28.400
<v Speaker 2>you didn't accept it. And the question you asked yourself

0:27:28.440 --> 0:27:30.000
<v Speaker 2>is what is wrong with me? Right?

0:27:30.160 --> 0:27:31.240
<v Speaker 1>Why am I this way?

0:27:31.720 --> 0:27:34.120
<v Speaker 2>And it's why I said you're a human being, because

0:27:36.240 --> 0:27:40.480
<v Speaker 2>you're human. We all have something. The other thing I

0:27:40.480 --> 0:27:43.320
<v Speaker 2>would say about you, Jen that a lot of what

0:27:43.359 --> 0:27:46.040
<v Speaker 2>we talk about is the way that you think about things.

0:27:46.080 --> 0:27:48.239
<v Speaker 2>And I think we should do a whole episode on

0:27:48.280 --> 0:27:51.680
<v Speaker 2>this is the is being aware of our thoughts, right,

0:27:51.720 --> 0:27:56.280
<v Speaker 2>because our thoughts affect the way we feel, and the

0:27:56.320 --> 0:28:00.359
<v Speaker 2>way we feel affects our behaviors and our choices. Right,

0:28:00.400 --> 0:28:02.360
<v Speaker 2>that's our big thing is choices here, right.

0:28:02.520 --> 0:28:07.680
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So it starts as a thought yes in your mind, yes, always,

0:28:07.880 --> 0:28:10.640
<v Speaker 1>and you're the only one that's hearing that thought, only

0:28:10.680 --> 0:28:12.960
<v Speaker 1>one hopefully, And then what happens?

0:28:13.480 --> 0:28:17.359
<v Speaker 2>And then that thought creates a feeling? Think about it

0:28:17.359 --> 0:28:19.159
<v Speaker 2>if you're at think about this for a second. If

0:28:19.160 --> 0:28:22.360
<v Speaker 2>you're at Trader Joe's and you are at the register

0:28:22.520 --> 0:28:25.000
<v Speaker 2>and the person who's checking you out is sort of

0:28:25.320 --> 0:28:29.320
<v Speaker 2>unkind or cold, you could have a couple different thoughts.

0:28:29.320 --> 0:28:32.880
<v Speaker 2>You could be like, oh god, what a jerk. They're

0:28:32.920 --> 0:28:35.639
<v Speaker 2>being so rude to me. Right, how do you feel

0:28:35.680 --> 0:28:36.080
<v Speaker 2>when you.

0:28:36.080 --> 0:28:39.640
<v Speaker 1>Have that thought? Mad?

0:28:40.440 --> 0:28:43.760
<v Speaker 2>Exactly? Okay. What if you are standing there and that

0:28:43.960 --> 0:28:47.880
<v Speaker 2>same guy as being a jerk or whatever, and you think, oh,

0:28:47.880 --> 0:28:50.760
<v Speaker 2>he must be having a hard day. What do you

0:28:50.800 --> 0:28:56.840
<v Speaker 2>feel empathy? Oh my god? It starts with a thought, right.

0:28:56.960 --> 0:29:01.360
<v Speaker 2>This is what cognitive therapy is based on. It's like ABC.

0:29:01.560 --> 0:29:04.680
<v Speaker 2>It's like a linear thing. Our thoughts affect our feelings,

0:29:04.840 --> 0:29:07.600
<v Speaker 2>and then if we feel mad, we're gonna like throw

0:29:07.680 --> 0:29:10.040
<v Speaker 2>our money at them right at the register.

0:29:10.960 --> 0:29:13.800
<v Speaker 1>Right, So your thoughts become your feelings, and your feelings

0:29:13.800 --> 0:29:16.400
<v Speaker 1>become your behaviors or your actions.

0:29:15.960 --> 0:29:21.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, or your choices, right voices. Yeah, and that's kind

0:29:21.440 --> 0:29:25.560
<v Speaker 2>of where you and I in our long friendship. I'm

0:29:25.640 --> 0:29:29.360
<v Speaker 2>always talking to you sort of regularly, saying like, well, like,

0:29:30.240 --> 0:29:34.320
<v Speaker 2>tell me what you're thinking, and your thinking is stinking.

0:29:34.480 --> 0:29:37.719
<v Speaker 2>Sometimes you're stinking thinking sometimes.

0:29:37.960 --> 0:29:41.280
<v Speaker 1>Ooh, that's a good one.

0:29:41.400 --> 0:29:43.560
<v Speaker 2>I didn't make it up. It's a twelve step platitude.

0:29:43.960 --> 0:29:47.840
<v Speaker 2>I can't take credit. But you you have black and

0:29:47.880 --> 0:29:50.680
<v Speaker 2>white thoughts. You have hard thoughts, and those thoughts set

0:29:50.720 --> 0:29:55.400
<v Speaker 2>you up to feel, have very strong feelings, right, and

0:29:55.440 --> 0:29:59.840
<v Speaker 2>then those strong feelings drive you towards a certain action

0:30:00.360 --> 0:30:01.120
<v Speaker 2>or behavior.

0:30:01.800 --> 0:30:05.640
<v Speaker 1>I want to touch on one thing. Lorraine, my producer,

0:30:05.800 --> 0:30:10.840
<v Speaker 1>wants to understand. She's curious as to why I would

0:30:10.880 --> 0:30:13.400
<v Speaker 1>feel like I had an elephant sitting on my chest

0:30:13.440 --> 0:30:14.960
<v Speaker 1>whenever Peter would come around.

0:30:15.040 --> 0:30:17.160
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. I love that. I'd like to know too.

0:30:17.680 --> 0:30:20.720
<v Speaker 1>Oh I'm supposed to answer it. That was a question

0:30:20.760 --> 0:30:21.600
<v Speaker 1>for you, damn it.

0:30:21.800 --> 0:30:22.640
<v Speaker 2>I can't answer it.

0:30:23.320 --> 0:30:27.080
<v Speaker 1>Well, here's what I know. That feeling had nothing to

0:30:27.080 --> 0:30:30.400
<v Speaker 1>do with Peter. I've had everything to do with me

0:30:32.760 --> 0:30:34.280
<v Speaker 1>and my thoughts in that moment.

0:30:34.760 --> 0:30:37.880
<v Speaker 2>But that's your growth, right. You didn't know it ten

0:30:37.960 --> 0:30:38.680
<v Speaker 2>years ago.

0:30:39.440 --> 0:30:42.239
<v Speaker 1>No, I didn't. I would just sit there and be like,

0:30:42.520 --> 0:30:46.880
<v Speaker 1>what the fuck is happening? Like, why do I feel anxious?

0:30:46.960 --> 0:30:50.719
<v Speaker 1>This is my husband, this is my family, I'm happy,

0:30:50.720 --> 0:30:52.719
<v Speaker 1>look at all that I have. Why am I feeling

0:30:52.760 --> 0:30:56.480
<v Speaker 1>this anxiety? And I would often, you know, share that

0:30:57.600 --> 0:31:01.000
<v Speaker 1>and be sort of met with like, yeah, I don't know,

0:31:01.320 --> 0:31:03.959
<v Speaker 1>I don't know why you have that. Everything's great, so

0:31:04.400 --> 0:31:07.040
<v Speaker 1>must be your problem, and.

0:31:07.000 --> 0:31:10.280
<v Speaker 2>That it was, but it wasn't very loving. Right.

0:31:10.480 --> 0:31:12.840
<v Speaker 1>It was right, but it made it worse because I

0:31:12.840 --> 0:31:14.040
<v Speaker 1>felt so alone in it.

0:31:14.800 --> 0:31:16.800
<v Speaker 2>Okay, good, So what did you What would you have

0:31:16.840 --> 0:31:18.480
<v Speaker 2>wanted to hear from him in that moment?

0:31:20.280 --> 0:31:23.479
<v Speaker 1>Well, now I would have wanted to hear I'm sorry, babe.

0:31:23.640 --> 0:31:27.800
<v Speaker 1>I hear you, and I'm here for you if you

0:31:27.840 --> 0:31:29.880
<v Speaker 1>want to talk about it. If you do you need

0:31:29.880 --> 0:31:33.640
<v Speaker 1>a hug, yeah, because for me, a lot of times

0:31:34.080 --> 0:31:38.080
<v Speaker 1>when I'm feeling spinny or I'm feeling anxious, I need

0:31:38.080 --> 0:31:42.080
<v Speaker 1>a hug. I need a hug from one certain person

0:31:42.240 --> 0:31:47.640
<v Speaker 1>and that is usually my husband. And Dave gets that

0:31:47.760 --> 0:31:52.240
<v Speaker 1>about me. He's learned that a hug will just regulate

0:31:52.320 --> 0:31:55.480
<v Speaker 1>me and just bring me back down to earth.

0:31:57.160 --> 0:31:59.240
<v Speaker 2>I'm not a hugger, Yeah, you're not.

0:31:59.880 --> 0:32:01.520
<v Speaker 1>I don't go around hugging people.

0:32:01.400 --> 0:32:04.560
<v Speaker 2>Right, yeah, now, but it's so beautiful and I love

0:32:04.600 --> 0:32:06.720
<v Speaker 2>that Dave knows that about you. And who knows whether

0:32:06.800 --> 0:32:08.920
<v Speaker 2>you sort of trained him up and let him know

0:32:09.200 --> 0:32:10.800
<v Speaker 2>or if he kind of figured it out, but you

0:32:11.400 --> 0:32:14.520
<v Speaker 2>and you even said it like regulates me, it grounds me,

0:32:15.080 --> 0:32:17.680
<v Speaker 2>so you need It's funny because you know, when I

0:32:17.720 --> 0:32:21.120
<v Speaker 2>think about talking about stress and everything, one of you know,

0:32:21.160 --> 0:32:23.000
<v Speaker 2>one of the tips I was going to share today

0:32:23.160 --> 0:32:27.280
<v Speaker 2>was just like physical grounding, either you know, through a

0:32:27.320 --> 0:32:31.480
<v Speaker 2>partner or a person or a family member or getting outside, right,

0:32:31.680 --> 0:32:33.360
<v Speaker 2>hugging a tree. I know that sounds.

0:32:33.360 --> 0:32:35.480
<v Speaker 1>Okay, hugging a tree.

0:32:35.680 --> 0:32:39.080
<v Speaker 2>Okay, but you would be surprised, how really.

0:32:38.760 --> 0:32:42.840
<v Speaker 1>I love this idea. But I'm just I'm playing Devil's advocate.

0:32:42.520 --> 0:32:45.640
<v Speaker 2>Right please always because people, oh.

0:32:45.760 --> 0:32:46.920
<v Speaker 1>Like, I'm gonna go hug a tree.

0:32:47.160 --> 0:32:51.000
<v Speaker 2>Okay, you'd be surprised. You would be surprised. How I wouldn't.

0:32:51.080 --> 0:32:52.160
<v Speaker 1>I love hugging trees.

0:32:52.280 --> 0:32:56.560
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I can see you doing it later today. I'll

0:32:56.560 --> 0:32:58.040
<v Speaker 2>send you a picture us about it.

0:33:01.760 --> 0:33:04.840
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So ground yourself, hug a tree, put your feet

0:33:04.880 --> 0:33:05.840
<v Speaker 1>in the earth, on the earth.

0:33:06.200 --> 0:33:10.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, take a walk, right, I mean if we're talking

0:33:10.280 --> 0:33:13.880
<v Speaker 2>about obviously, like the stop sign is a very accessible,

0:33:14.080 --> 0:33:20.440
<v Speaker 2>immediate free tool. It's an intervention. Another my favorite, actually

0:33:20.440 --> 0:33:23.760
<v Speaker 2>have a couple favorites. My very immediate favorite is breathing

0:33:23.800 --> 0:33:29.440
<v Speaker 2>exercises because my physical manifestation of stress is muscle tension.

0:33:30.840 --> 0:33:34.120
<v Speaker 2>And I'm kind of a fight flight and freeze. I'm

0:33:34.160 --> 0:33:37.520
<v Speaker 2>a freezer, so everything in me just freezes, and so

0:33:37.640 --> 0:33:43.720
<v Speaker 2>a deep breath opens up everything and it just slows.

0:33:45.640 --> 0:33:47.360
<v Speaker 1>Can you just go back for a second and down.

0:33:47.720 --> 0:33:50.520
<v Speaker 1>You said you're a fight flight freezer.

0:33:51.440 --> 0:33:54.680
<v Speaker 2>So in any kind of situation when we're feeling stress

0:33:54.760 --> 0:33:57.840
<v Speaker 2>or tension, there's usually three responses, fight.

0:33:58.440 --> 0:34:02.840
<v Speaker 1>Flight or free when you do all three.

0:34:02.640 --> 0:34:07.080
<v Speaker 2>No, I'm a freezer. You're a freezer bunny like a bunny.

0:34:07.160 --> 0:34:08.879
<v Speaker 1>Like a deer in the headlights kind of thing.

0:34:09.400 --> 0:34:13.120
<v Speaker 2>Yep, that's a that's a yeah, that's a freezer too.

0:34:13.719 --> 0:34:15.879
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:34:15.640 --> 0:34:17.399
<v Speaker 2>M So what do you think?

0:34:18.280 --> 0:34:20.920
<v Speaker 1>Okay, let me think, Oh, well, that doesn't take me

0:34:21.000 --> 0:34:21.799
<v Speaker 1>long to answer that one.

0:34:23.000 --> 0:34:23.840
<v Speaker 2>I think I know it is.

0:34:23.960 --> 0:34:26.960
<v Speaker 1>I've been all things though. Honestly, I used to be

0:34:27.000 --> 0:34:32.239
<v Speaker 1>a freezer because I was I didn't know what was

0:34:32.239 --> 0:34:34.359
<v Speaker 1>happening with all the emotions that I was feeling and

0:34:34.400 --> 0:34:37.040
<v Speaker 1>I didn't know which way to turn or what to do.

0:34:37.360 --> 0:34:40.399
<v Speaker 2>So I would just overwhelm and I.

0:34:40.320 --> 0:34:42.520
<v Speaker 1>Would just shut up, and I would let other people

0:34:42.640 --> 0:34:45.200
<v Speaker 1>make the calls and I would just go with whatever

0:34:45.239 --> 0:34:45.919
<v Speaker 1>anybody said.

0:34:46.920 --> 0:34:49.279
<v Speaker 2>I remember those years.

0:34:50.160 --> 0:34:57.120
<v Speaker 1>I've been a flighter because it's just easier.

0:34:58.440 --> 0:35:00.960
<v Speaker 2>Honestly, problems or eyes.

0:35:01.239 --> 0:35:07.040
<v Speaker 1>See, you wouldn't want to be you. But I think

0:35:07.280 --> 0:35:12.600
<v Speaker 1>I would say my general state of being is a fighter,

0:35:14.480 --> 0:35:17.840
<v Speaker 1>because well, when I'm in aries and I have these horns,

0:35:19.640 --> 0:35:26.440
<v Speaker 1>but two because I this sounds so stupid, but I'm

0:35:26.440 --> 0:35:29.120
<v Speaker 1>a seeker, like I want to figure it all out,

0:35:29.160 --> 0:35:31.759
<v Speaker 1>like I want to know what's going on. I want

0:35:31.760 --> 0:35:33.719
<v Speaker 1>to figure it out. I want to fix it, and

0:35:33.760 --> 0:35:35.640
<v Speaker 1>I want to move forward, and I want to do

0:35:35.680 --> 0:35:37.040
<v Speaker 1>a lot of growing along the way.

0:35:37.480 --> 0:35:40.400
<v Speaker 2>But that's the positive version of a fighter. You're fighting

0:35:40.440 --> 0:35:42.759
<v Speaker 2>for something, right, You're fighting for yourself, You're fighting for

0:35:42.840 --> 0:35:46.080
<v Speaker 2>the relationship. You're fighting for your kid's future and their

0:35:46.160 --> 0:35:47.800
<v Speaker 2>well being. That makes sense.

0:35:48.440 --> 0:35:51.360
<v Speaker 1>I used to spend a lot of time fighting, yeah,

0:35:51.400 --> 0:35:52.920
<v Speaker 1>for the wrong reasons.

0:35:52.840 --> 0:35:57.080
<v Speaker 2>Right, But you took your fighter into a more evolved place.

0:35:58.280 --> 0:36:04.200
<v Speaker 1>Thank God. It's exhausting being a fighter and it gives

0:36:04.200 --> 0:36:05.120
<v Speaker 1>you wrinkles.

0:36:06.719 --> 0:36:10.239
<v Speaker 2>So that the intervention or the tip I was going

0:36:10.239 --> 0:36:12.719
<v Speaker 2>to share is breathing, which there is one particular one

0:36:12.760 --> 0:36:16.200
<v Speaker 2>called the four seven eight method to this one tell us.

0:36:16.840 --> 0:36:21.959
<v Speaker 2>So you basically breathe in for seconds.

0:36:22.239 --> 0:36:26.440
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So how am I supposed to count on my head?

0:36:27.800 --> 0:36:30.920
<v Speaker 2>I'm doing this for breath all right, Breathe in for

0:36:30.920 --> 0:36:33.600
<v Speaker 2>four seconds, and when you get to the top of

0:36:33.640 --> 0:36:35.800
<v Speaker 2>the four seconds, hold it for seven.

0:36:36.920 --> 0:36:37.280
<v Speaker 1>Seven.

0:36:37.800 --> 0:36:39.800
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you can do it. Okay, let me try a

0:36:39.800 --> 0:36:49.760
<v Speaker 2>good months and then slowly breathe out for eight counts.

0:36:57.960 --> 0:36:58.440
<v Speaker 2>That is the.

0:36:58.520 --> 0:37:05.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, feel a little dizzy with like nothingness like I feel,

0:37:05.600 --> 0:37:08.080
<v Speaker 1>you know that feeling of like just I feel like

0:37:08.120 --> 0:37:13.000
<v Speaker 1>an empty What is this body?

0:37:13.040 --> 0:37:13.720
<v Speaker 2>A vessel?

0:37:13.960 --> 0:37:14.520
<v Speaker 1>A vessel?

0:37:14.960 --> 0:37:19.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? So imagine doing that five times.

0:37:19.520 --> 0:37:21.480
<v Speaker 1>Right, or I might pass out.

0:37:22.239 --> 0:37:26.440
<v Speaker 2>Well, the other thing is I noticed you you breathe

0:37:26.760 --> 0:37:32.080
<v Speaker 2>very shallowly. Okay, so try to not just from up

0:37:32.080 --> 0:37:34.719
<v Speaker 2>here in the chest, but try to use your diaphragm

0:37:35.440 --> 0:37:37.440
<v Speaker 2>tap into your actor training.

0:37:38.360 --> 0:37:39.319
<v Speaker 1>Oh that's hard.

0:37:39.400 --> 0:37:46.480
<v Speaker 2>Hold on, okay, So breathe in four counts, hold it

0:37:46.520 --> 0:37:55.400
<v Speaker 2>for seven, and slowly breathe out for eight and release

0:37:55.480 --> 0:37:56.840
<v Speaker 2>the tension in your body.

0:37:58.200 --> 0:37:59.040
<v Speaker 1>I love that one.

0:37:59.400 --> 0:38:04.960
<v Speaker 2>You look like angel, I'm at peace. Yeah, we don't

0:38:04.960 --> 0:38:07.760
<v Speaker 2>do that for her ourselves on a daily basis. Isn't

0:38:07.760 --> 0:38:08.400
<v Speaker 2>that crazy?

0:38:08.680 --> 0:38:11.439
<v Speaker 1>No, we breathe all day long, but we're not paying

0:38:12.080 --> 0:38:13.920
<v Speaker 1>we're not paying attention, and we're not like getting the

0:38:13.960 --> 0:38:16.719
<v Speaker 1>benefits of what a good deep breath can get you.

0:38:17.080 --> 0:38:21.200
<v Speaker 1>I've often thought, Okay, this is just my theory because

0:38:21.200 --> 0:38:23.680
<v Speaker 1>I've helped a couple of people in my life stop smoking. Now,

0:38:24.239 --> 0:38:27.360
<v Speaker 1>I've often thought like, when people smoke, yeah, it's about

0:38:27.400 --> 0:38:32.320
<v Speaker 1>the tobacco, it's about the nicotine, but it's also about

0:38:32.800 --> 0:38:35.799
<v Speaker 1>taking a moment and taking a deep breath and you

0:38:35.920 --> 0:38:39.040
<v Speaker 1>breathe it in and you hold it that awful smoke,

0:38:39.520 --> 0:38:43.200
<v Speaker 1>and then you breathe it out. And then people are like, ah.

0:38:42.440 --> 0:38:45.160
<v Speaker 2>Yes, it's deep breathing. Right, it's a milliment for yourself.

0:38:45.360 --> 0:38:48.600
<v Speaker 2>You're taking your break for yourself. You're deep breathing. Absolutely,

0:38:48.680 --> 0:38:51.200
<v Speaker 2>and I think that some people who quit smoking even

0:38:51.280 --> 0:38:52.880
<v Speaker 2>start practicing deep breathing.

0:38:53.840 --> 0:38:57.879
<v Speaker 1>It's really magical. Yeah, And it's it's nothing. You don't

0:38:57.880 --> 0:38:59.400
<v Speaker 1>have to go anywhere to get it. You don't need

0:38:59.440 --> 0:39:02.560
<v Speaker 1>an app, right, you don't have to pay anything. It's

0:39:02.719 --> 0:39:04.320
<v Speaker 1>just comes with the body.

0:39:04.880 --> 0:39:07.399
<v Speaker 2>It's immediate, and it's free. And here's how I got

0:39:07.440 --> 0:39:10.000
<v Speaker 2>better at it, because again, all the things that I

0:39:10.000 --> 0:39:12.440
<v Speaker 2>do I'm not perfect at. I forget them still, you know,

0:39:12.520 --> 0:39:15.120
<v Speaker 2>I teach these things and I forget to do them sometimes.

0:39:15.360 --> 0:39:19.239
<v Speaker 2>But what happens is again, awareness is so important. Right,

0:39:19.239 --> 0:39:21.600
<v Speaker 2>So if you start to ask yourself, why am I,

0:39:21.800 --> 0:39:25.239
<v Speaker 2>like for the Jenny version of it, when one of

0:39:25.280 --> 0:39:29.600
<v Speaker 2>your awareness pieces could be when you save yourself, why

0:39:29.640 --> 0:39:31.799
<v Speaker 2>am I right? Why am I this? Why am I that?

0:39:31.880 --> 0:39:34.320
<v Speaker 2>Why am I so stressed out? Why am I so angry?

0:39:34.320 --> 0:39:38.799
<v Speaker 2>Why am I so whatever? That's the beginning of your

0:39:38.880 --> 0:39:43.399
<v Speaker 2>awareness for you of like, oh, that's a queue. I'm

0:39:43.440 --> 0:39:46.480
<v Speaker 2>in a stress state. I just need to do some

0:39:46.520 --> 0:39:50.120
<v Speaker 2>four seven eight breathing. I need to take twenty seconds

0:39:51.920 --> 0:39:55.800
<v Speaker 2>and do it. It's free, it's immediate, it is effective.

0:39:55.960 --> 0:40:00.840
<v Speaker 2>It reduces stress everything we're talking about. It increases your mood, it,

0:40:01.200 --> 0:40:07.680
<v Speaker 2>you know, lowers your blood pressure, all the things, all

0:40:07.719 --> 0:40:09.120
<v Speaker 2>the things.

0:40:09.840 --> 0:40:16.560
<v Speaker 1>I am so lucky that you are my best friend.

0:40:18.440 --> 0:40:19.160
<v Speaker 2>I'm lucky too.

0:40:20.760 --> 0:40:26.920
<v Speaker 1>You would never be my actual therapist all these years, Ohted.

0:40:27.120 --> 0:40:29.880
<v Speaker 2>We as therapists can't see people we know as you

0:40:30.000 --> 0:40:36.960
<v Speaker 2>might imagine we wouldn't be particularly objective or unbiased. It

0:40:37.040 --> 0:40:39.920
<v Speaker 2>makes sense, it really does. It was called a dual relationship,

0:40:40.040 --> 0:40:42.440
<v Speaker 2>right to sort of see people that are your friends

0:40:42.480 --> 0:40:45.719
<v Speaker 2>or your family. Or it just doesn't work way too

0:40:45.800 --> 0:40:50.120
<v Speaker 2>it's a quagmar way, too many pitfalls. But as I've

0:40:50.160 --> 0:40:55.120
<v Speaker 2>always said to you, you get it for free anytime.

0:40:55.440 --> 0:40:57.080
<v Speaker 2>I always answer your call.

0:40:57.320 --> 0:41:00.480
<v Speaker 1>You guys, I highly recommend finding yourself. If a best

0:41:00.480 --> 0:41:05.440
<v Speaker 1>friend that's a therapist, you get therapy for free, while

0:41:05.480 --> 0:41:10.160
<v Speaker 1>I'm a science ah thanks for my sessh.

0:41:10.360 --> 0:41:12.279
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I love it. I love spending time with you.

0:41:12.360 --> 0:41:14.440
<v Speaker 2>I love talking it out and breaking it down, and

0:41:14.480 --> 0:41:15.600
<v Speaker 2>I know we'll do more of it.

0:41:16.000 --> 0:41:24.000
<v Speaker 1>I love you, bye bye, I love you, bye bye.

0:41:25.239 --> 0:41:29.839
<v Speaker 1>I really needed that. I hope you enjoyed that conversation

0:41:29.920 --> 0:41:32.520
<v Speaker 1>as much as I did. And I love sharing my

0:41:32.560 --> 0:41:35.960
<v Speaker 1>tips and tricks and adele's with you. So this week,

0:41:36.080 --> 0:41:40.359
<v Speaker 1>let's do that. Let's try those out. If you're feeling overwhelmed,

0:41:41.120 --> 0:41:44.640
<v Speaker 1>or you're stressed the f out over one thing or another,

0:41:45.239 --> 0:41:49.480
<v Speaker 1>if you're experiencing anxiety like I described, like that elephant

0:41:49.520 --> 0:41:53.200
<v Speaker 1>on your chest, I want you to remember that stop

0:41:53.280 --> 0:41:57.200
<v Speaker 1>sign trick I've used it for so many years and

0:41:57.239 --> 0:42:00.480
<v Speaker 1>I highly recommend it, or the four seven eight breathing

0:42:00.880 --> 0:42:03.799
<v Speaker 1>that she told us about you. Guys, if you want

0:42:03.840 --> 0:42:06.960
<v Speaker 1>real change in your life, you have to take action.

0:42:07.600 --> 0:42:11.400
<v Speaker 1>You have to choose yourself. And while you're at it,

0:42:12.480 --> 0:42:14.680
<v Speaker 1>I want you to go on over to that mirror,

0:42:15.320 --> 0:42:17.480
<v Speaker 1>look into your eyes, and take a minute with yourself.

0:42:18.640 --> 0:42:21.480
<v Speaker 1>Even if you don't like what you see at this

0:42:21.719 --> 0:42:26.480
<v Speaker 1>very moment, I want you to replace that negative automatic

0:42:26.560 --> 0:42:32.120
<v Speaker 1>reaction with a kinder, more gentle thought. Instead of saying ugh,

0:42:33.280 --> 0:42:37.640
<v Speaker 1>say okay, I see you. Just give that a try.

0:42:38.680 --> 0:42:41.960
<v Speaker 1>I promise you, when you start to replace those old,

0:42:42.560 --> 0:42:48.880
<v Speaker 1>ingrained negative thoughts with loving thoughts, we will start seeing

0:42:48.960 --> 0:42:53.560
<v Speaker 1>and feeling that empathy with ourselves and everyone around us.

0:42:53.920 --> 0:42:56.640
<v Speaker 1>I love you. I'll be right here next week. I

0:42:56.680 --> 0:42:58.080
<v Speaker 1>hope you will too,