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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you don't know what

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Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode of

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Speaker 1: You Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners send

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Speaker 1: to Katherine at therapy podcast dot com. Now, before we

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Speaker 1: get into today's episode, I wanted to give another quick

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Speaker 1: reminder as always that although I am answering questions, this

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Speaker 1: podcast is called You Need Therapy and I am a therapist,

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Speaker 1: it does not serve as a replacement or a substitute

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Speaker 1: for any actual mental health services. But we always hope

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Speaker 1: that these episodes can be helpful. Now, we usually do

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Speaker 1: one question a week and we always keep them anonymous,

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Speaker 1: and we were going to stay on track with that

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Speaker 1: and do one question today, and I say we just

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Speaker 1: jump on into it. So I'm gonna read the question

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Speaker 1: and then we're going to have a little chat. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: I have a situation that I wanted to get your

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Speaker 1: take on and something that could possibly be used for

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Speaker 1: a Couch Talks episode. I've tried my best to condense

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Speaker 1: this while still giving details to help give you context.

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Speaker 1: I have a friend who has recently decided to get sober.

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Speaker 1: This came as a shock to me for multiple reasons.

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Speaker 1: This friend has historically been the life of the party,

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Speaker 1: and while she definitely parties a lot and tends to

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Speaker 1: always be the most intoxicated of the group, she has

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Speaker 1: never mentioned having a problem, and I honestly have never

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Speaker 1: considered her an alcoholic. Maybe she hides some of the

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Speaker 1: drinking behavior, or maybe I just have a skewed idea

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Speaker 1: of what a drinking problem is. I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: do know that you don't have to be an alcoholic

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Speaker 1: to get sober, but she has told us that she

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Speaker 1: does think she has a drinking problem, and she has

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Speaker 1: been talking about it with her therapist for years now.

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Speaker 1: She's also told us that she doesn't want or expect

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Speaker 1: us to act differently, and her decision is about what

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Speaker 1: is best for her and not anyone else. While I

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Speaker 1: appreciate this, I don't really know how to act. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: I don't want her to feel pressure to drink, and

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Speaker 1: I don't want to trigger her or cause her any issues.

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Speaker 1: I feel like she doesn't want to bother us or

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Speaker 1: ask for help with her sobriety, but not asking for

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Speaker 1: help has actually made this more stressful for me. She's

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Speaker 1: one of my best friends and I want her to

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Speaker 1: know that I'm here for her. But because I've never

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Speaker 1: dealt with this kind of situation before, I don't know

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Speaker 1: how to best support her. This may sound silly, but

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Speaker 1: on top of the big picture, one of our friend's

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Speaker 1: bacherette parties is in a couple of months, and I'm

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Speaker 1: already starting to stress over it. A lot of the

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Speaker 1: activities that we will be doing will involve drinking, and

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Speaker 1: I don't want her to feel pressure to come if

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Speaker 1: it's going to encourage her to drink, and if it's

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Speaker 1: best for her not to come. I want her to

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Speaker 1: know that we will understand. I know it's not my

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Speaker 1: job to take care of her, but I guess I

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Speaker 1: don't know what the rules are here. Should I not

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Speaker 1: drink around her even if she says it's okay. Should

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Speaker 1: I not invite her to activities where I or others

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Speaker 1: will be drinking. Do I need to hide alcohol when

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Speaker 1: she's around? What if she changes her mind? Do I

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Speaker 1: need to encourage her to not drink? Or should I

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Speaker 1: let her just do what she wants. Any feedback would

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Speaker 1: be so helpful. Thank you. Okay, So that was a

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Speaker 1: lot of questions at the end. I don't know that

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Speaker 1: I can answer all those questions, and I think part

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Speaker 1: of you knows that you're not going to get a

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Speaker 1: direct answer from me when writing this, But I do

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Speaker 1: want to say I appreciate you setting this question in

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Speaker 1: because this is something that I think a lot of

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Speaker 1: people are probably able to relate to, whether they've been

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Speaker 1: your friend or they've been you. And I think having

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Speaker 1: an experience where you and your friends kind of have

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Speaker 1: the same lifestyle and ideas and choices, and then all

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Speaker 1: of a sudden somebody decides to change part of their lifestyle,

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Speaker 1: it does, you know, cause a little ripple or wave

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Speaker 1: in the system. And that's what you are talking about

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Speaker 1: of your friend is changing. Things are changing, and how

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Speaker 1: do I navigate those changes? And those changes aren't just

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Speaker 1: like oh, I decided that I'm going to have a

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Speaker 1: capsule world wardrobe and dress in all neutral colors. It's hey,

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Speaker 1: I have been sounds like she's been suffering behind the

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Speaker 1: scenes for a while and is taking a really brave

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Speaker 1: and really hard step to better herself, and you, as

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Speaker 1: a friend want to help her. That is I think

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Speaker 1: kind and admirable, and I would want my friend to

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Speaker 1: feel the way that I would want my friend to

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Speaker 1: feel like they cared about me. I wouldn't maybe want

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Speaker 1: them to stress about the decisions I'm making. But all

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Speaker 1: not to say, I'm glad that you wrote in and

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that you're taking this seriously, because this is

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Speaker 1: a really serious thing in your friend's life. Now what's

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Speaker 1: hard is, yeah, you can't force anybody to ask for help.

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Speaker 1: And there's a little codependency showing up in this email,

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Speaker 1: which makes sense. We all, I'll have a little sense

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Speaker 1: a little bit of that, because we are connected to people,

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Speaker 1: and when we are good people, we want the best

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Speaker 1: for people. And if we can make a difference in

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Speaker 1: somebody else's life and make it better in some way

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Speaker 1: and it's not causing us harm, then most of the

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Speaker 1: time we're going to want to do that. What I

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Speaker 1: would encourage you to do is tell your friend that

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Speaker 1: you're proud of them, as long as that is true,

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Speaker 1: ask your friend if they're open for questions, and then

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Speaker 1: maybe ask some questions that you haven't asked yet. It

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Speaker 1: sounds like this came as a shock to you. I

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Speaker 1: don't know how much she told you about her situation,

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Speaker 1: but a lot of times people want to tell their stories,

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Speaker 1: they just aren't asked. And so if she's really one

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Speaker 1: of your good friends, I really would encourage you to say, Hey,

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Speaker 1: are you open. I really want to circle back to

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Speaker 1: this thing that you kind of just said nonchalantly, and

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Speaker 1: I want to know more about it. I want to

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Speaker 1: know about this journey for you. I want to know

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Speaker 1: how you're doing. And part of that is I want

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Speaker 1: to know how I can help you, because I want

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Speaker 1: to help you. I think a lot of times in

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Speaker 1: any kind of situation, and not just somebody getting sober

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Speaker 1: or making the lifestyle change like that, but in our

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Speaker 1: grief situations when I've loved one has died, maybe when

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Speaker 1: something has happened like we've lost a job, or you know,

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Speaker 1: we've birthed a baby, or our house conifire or something

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Speaker 1: like that. When people go through stuff like that and

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Speaker 1: people write things like hey, let me know how I

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Speaker 1: can help, that can be more stressful than helpful, because

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Speaker 1: then there's that part of us that doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: ask for too much and doesn't know where the line is.

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Speaker 1: And so oftentimes if we want to help somebody, the

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Speaker 1: easier thing is saying Hey, I'm coming over and I'm

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Speaker 1: bringing you dinner, right versus hey, let me know if

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Speaker 1: you need dinner. Well, most likely they're gonna be like, oh, no,

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Speaker 1: we're fine. So Hey, I'm coming over, I'm bringing tacos.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to leave them on the porch. We don't

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Speaker 1: have to talk. I just want to leave them there.

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Speaker 1: Or with your friend in her case, what would it

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Speaker 1: be like if you said, Hey, I've been thinking a

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Speaker 1: lot about what you said, and I think I maybe

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Speaker 1: was caught off guard or shocked and I didn't know

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Speaker 1: what my place was. But I'd really like to know

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Speaker 1: more about this experience for you and the changes you're making.

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Speaker 1: So I'm going to pick you up tomorrow night and

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Speaker 1: take you to dinner and ask you some questions. Is

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Speaker 1: that cool? And if she says she's not open, then

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Speaker 1: that's okay. We can respect that and then you can

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Speaker 1: let her know well if that changes. I'm here with

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Speaker 1: a very open ear because I am proud of you

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Speaker 1: and I want to be there for you. It is

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Speaker 1: part of one of the privileges of being friends with people,

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Speaker 1: right that we get to be there for each other,

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Speaker 1: and I want the opportunity to help you do a

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Speaker 1: really brave thing. So that's what I would say along

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Speaker 1: those lines. You can't force her to let you help her,

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Speaker 1: but you can very much so make it clear it

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Speaker 1: would be my joy to be able to help you

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Speaker 1: in this season for you, in this change for you. Now,

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Speaker 1: you cannot keep her sober and you can't make her sober,

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Speaker 1: So that's where some of these other questions come in.

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Speaker 1: Once you get more information from her, then you can

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Speaker 1: really see, like, what is this experience like for her.

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Speaker 1: I think sometimes we want to act like things don't

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Speaker 1: bother us, but I mean getting sober in a group

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Speaker 1: of people who are not sober can be very difficult

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Speaker 1: and something that very seldom people can manage alone with

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Speaker 1: no support or help. And so that's again part of

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Speaker 1: her journey. We have to know where the line is.

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Speaker 1: I want you to know that I'm here to help,

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Speaker 1: and i want you to know that I'm willing to

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Speaker 1: make changes that are less valuable than our friendship. I'm

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Speaker 1: willing to do sober to things with you. I'm willing

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Speaker 1: to understand that you don't want me to invite you

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Speaker 1: if there's going to be drinking around, and that you

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Speaker 1: still want to hang out, and so we have to

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Speaker 1: come up with some other things and maybe change how

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Speaker 1: we hang out and how we've been relating to each other.

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Speaker 1: But you can't do it all for her. So if

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Speaker 1: you feel uncomfortable drinking around her, then you know, maybe

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Speaker 1: you don't drink around her if you feel uncomfortable inviting

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Speaker 1: her to things. I think what I would ask your

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Speaker 1: friend is, hey, I don't want to be a trigger

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Speaker 1: for you. And so there's a part of me, or

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Speaker 1: say not ask, there's a part of me that that

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Speaker 1: is resistant or reluctant to invite you into some of

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Speaker 1: these things, because in my experience, I would imagine it'd

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Speaker 1: be kind of hard if I was trying not to

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Speaker 1: drink and everybody else is doing that. Can you let

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Speaker 1: me know when inviting you becomes a problem? Can you

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Speaker 1: let me know if you're feeling a little triggered. I

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Speaker 1: will leave the party with you. I will plan another

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Speaker 1: event and do that with you, But I need you

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Speaker 1: to let me know where that line is so I

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Speaker 1: can be there for you. And as far as the

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Speaker 1: batche up party, yeah, that's tough, and I think there's

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Speaker 1: probably a lot of grief in this for your friend,

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Speaker 1: because while it's going to be different for you guys,

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Speaker 1: it sounds like it's going to be really different for her.

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Speaker 1: And so again same lines. Just talk to her, ask

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Speaker 1: your questions, and if she says no, no, I'm fine,

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Speaker 1: you have to go with that. And you have to

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Speaker 1: trust that you can just say, like, I know that

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Speaker 1: things change. And so if this stuff does get too

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Speaker 1: difficult or this does become too triggering, let's come up

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Speaker 1: with a word that you can say it. We don't

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Speaker 1: have to talk about it, and we can again leave

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Speaker 1: the party, we can walk into the other room. I

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Speaker 1: can understand that you're taking some time away to go

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Speaker 1: collect your thoughts or what have you. So when it

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Speaker 1: comes to that bacherette party, I again would just have

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Speaker 1: a conversation with her, let her know how you're feeling

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Speaker 1: as her friend, and letting her know that you want

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Speaker 1: to be there at the end of the day. Also

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Speaker 1: know that she is the only one that can control

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Speaker 1: herself and is the only one that can really accept

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Speaker 1: help even when it's offered right in front of her,

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Speaker 1: and so you have to kind of manage what she's

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Speaker 1: allowing you in on how she's allowing you to help

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Speaker 1: you and what's comfortable for you. Not everybody's the same,

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Speaker 1: and so I don't think that there's a yeah, never

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Speaker 1: drink in front of her and get rid of all

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Speaker 1: the alcohol. But in my thought, this is my personal

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Speaker 1: bias combined with a little bit of just working in

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Speaker 1: this field. If they're saying no, no, no, don't worry,

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Speaker 1: I don't care, but you are partly questioning if they

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Speaker 1: just don't want to bother you and it makes you uncomfortable,

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Speaker 1: better be safe than sorry, you know. I would rather

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Speaker 1: be able to be comfortable and have dinner with my

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Speaker 1: friend and not drink, then order a glass of wine

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Speaker 1: and a dinner that I really don't care about that much,

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Speaker 1: and then wonder if it's triggering my friend all night.

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Speaker 1: So you have to really weigh what's the most important.

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Speaker 1: Am I just wanting my friend to feel like she's

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Speaker 1: not forcing me to not drink alcohol, Well that's her

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Speaker 1: thing to deal with, not me, Because if being with

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Speaker 1: my friend is more important than that glass of wine,

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Speaker 1: then it's not a big deal for me not order

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Speaker 1: the glass of wine. So really, to summarize all of this,

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Speaker 1: the best feedback I can give you is be very

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Speaker 1: clear and let your friend know that you want to

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Speaker 1: support her and that this is important to you as

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Speaker 1: well as it is to her. And be open and

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Speaker 1: tell her that you're open and you want to hear

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Speaker 1: about it and you want to talk about it as

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Speaker 1: much as she will let you in on. And that's

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Speaker 1: what you can do. We can only help people as

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Speaker 1: much as they allow us to help them. And it's

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Speaker 1: a really hard part of being a human being, and

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Speaker 1: it's a hard part of this whole idea that we

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Speaker 1: all want to have more control in our lives in

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Speaker 1: the world, then we truly have the capacity or the

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Speaker 1: ability to have. So again, thank you for this question.

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Speaker 1: I'm excited to see how the conversations you have with

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Speaker 1: your friend, or I'm excited for you because I guess

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Speaker 1: I won't see it, but excited for you to see

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Speaker 1: how the conversations you are going to have with your

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Speaker 1: friend in the future might bring you guys closer and

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Speaker 1: help you guys know each other and support each other better.

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Speaker 1: So I hope this was helpful. If you guys have

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Speaker 1: any feedback comments, if you've been in this situation and

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Speaker 1: you have some maybe personal experience that you would want

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Speaker 1: to add to this, things that were helpful for you

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Speaker 1: things that were helpful for friends in these situations. I

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Speaker 1: am open to you sending them and I can pass

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Speaker 1: them along to this listener. Again. If you have questions

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Speaker 1: for feedback comments Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow us at you Need Therapy Podcast and

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Speaker 1: at kat van Buren on Instagram, and you can find

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Speaker 1: us also online You Need Therapy podcast dot com, where

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Speaker 1: we have some fun merchant stuff over there. I'll be

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Speaker 1: back with you guys on Monday for a new episode.

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Speaker 1: Until then, I hope you have the day you need

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Speaker 1: to have. Bye, guys,