WEBVTT - You're Actually Not Bothering People Enough 0:00:15.476 --> 0:00:24.956 Pushkin. Hey, Happiness Lab listeners, We're finally coming to the 0:00:25.036 --> 0:00:27.916 end of our Happiness Hot Take series, a whole season 0:00:27.996 --> 0:00:30.436 in which I've been calling out the bad happiness advice 0:00:30.516 --> 0:00:33.276 that I hear so often on the internet. For a 0:00:33.356 --> 0:00:36.116 final hot take, we're heading back into the Happiness Lab 0:00:36.276 --> 0:00:39.476 archives to revisit a misconception that I struggle with myself. 0:00:40.236 --> 0:00:42.196 Many of us find it hard to ask for support, 0:00:42.636 --> 0:00:45.836 either because we're afraid of inconveniencing other people or we 0:00:45.836 --> 0:00:48.076 don't want to come off as too needy. We're taught 0:00:48.116 --> 0:00:50.676 to handle things on our own, even at times when 0:00:50.676 --> 0:00:53.396 we really could use a helping hand. But today's hot 0:00:53.396 --> 0:00:56.436 take is this we should be bothering people a little 0:00:56.476 --> 0:00:59.076 more often. It turns out that asking someone for a 0:00:59.116 --> 0:01:01.996 favor doesn't just make life easier for you, it can 0:01:02.036 --> 0:01:05.116 actually make the other person happier as well. So stay 0:01:05.156 --> 0:01:07.916 tuned for research and stories that reveal why asking for 0:01:07.996 --> 0:01:10.556 everything from a little as assistance to a massive act 0:01:10.556 --> 0:01:14.316 of generosity can be good for everyone involved. Here's this 0:01:14.436 --> 0:01:16.836 week's in case you missed it Happiness hot take. I 0:01:16.876 --> 0:01:25.796 hope you enjoy it. We're in a first grade classroom 0:01:25.916 --> 0:01:29.276 in Beijing, China. It's about twenty years ago. Ahead of 0:01:29.276 --> 0:01:32.476 the annual holidays. To mark the occasion, a teacher has 0:01:32.476 --> 0:01:35.316 brought and wrapped presents for her students. The gifts are 0:01:35.356 --> 0:01:37.636 stacked up in a corner ready to be handed out, 0:01:38.196 --> 0:01:38.596 and if she. 0:01:38.756 --> 0:01:40.596 Just stop right there, it'll be a great story. 0:01:41.196 --> 0:01:43.356 Jah John was one of those excited kids. 0:01:43.916 --> 0:01:45.716 But she had all of us come to the front 0:01:45.756 --> 0:01:47.916 of a classroom and said, hey, why don't you guys 0:01:47.956 --> 0:01:50.716 say nice things about each other. If someone calls your 0:01:50.796 --> 0:01:52.836 name and says something nice about you, you can go 0:01:52.876 --> 0:01:54.036 get a gift and sit down. 0:01:54.156 --> 0:01:56.916 One by one, The kids started sharing kind words about 0:01:56.916 --> 0:01:57.716 their classmates. 0:01:58.196 --> 0:02:01.076 It was great when he started someone's can sing really well. 0:02:01.156 --> 0:02:03.836 Someone is helpful to other teachers, and I will applaud 0:02:03.876 --> 0:02:04.916 as if it might turn. 0:02:05.236 --> 0:02:08.116 But the flow of compliments soon slowed down and then 0:02:08.356 --> 0:02:13.116 petered outcome lately worried, Jao's teacher asked, doesn't anyone have 0:02:13.196 --> 0:02:15.476 anything nice to say about the students who are still 0:02:15.516 --> 0:02:18.956 at the front of the class. No one spoke. Three 0:02:19.036 --> 0:02:22.556 gifts sat uncollected in the corner, and three kids stood 0:02:22.556 --> 0:02:25.596 rejected at the front of the room, and I was. 0:02:25.596 --> 0:02:27.556 One of them. 0:02:27.596 --> 0:02:29.916 It was just a fleeting few minutes in Jao's life, 0:02:30.316 --> 0:02:32.676 but the events of that day cast a long shadow. 0:02:33.276 --> 0:02:37.036 Joh eventually graduated school, then headed to college, and began 0:02:37.076 --> 0:02:38.516 a new life outside China. 0:02:39.036 --> 0:02:41.676 But the thing is, once I came to the United States, 0:02:41.796 --> 0:02:44.876 I started following like a path of almost like at 0:02:44.916 --> 0:02:45.796 least resistance. 0:02:46.196 --> 0:02:48.716 Nearing his thirties, Jao felt like he was being held 0:02:48.756 --> 0:02:51.956 back from chasing his dreams and fulfilling his potential, and 0:02:51.996 --> 0:02:54.196 he traced some of that back to the fateful day 0:02:54.236 --> 0:02:56.676 many years ago, where he stood rejected in front of 0:02:56.676 --> 0:02:57.436 his classmates. 0:02:57.876 --> 0:02:59.276 Pretty sure it didn't help. 0:02:59.676 --> 0:03:02.316 You See, Jean needed all the confidence, self belief, and 0:03:02.396 --> 0:03:04.996 drive he could muster because he had a dream. 0:03:05.876 --> 0:03:09.316 I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur. You know, I 0:03:09.356 --> 0:03:12.276 actually come from a family of teachers, but I didn't 0:03:12.396 --> 0:03:13.836 never want to be a teacher. I want to be 0:03:14.076 --> 0:03:16.356 entrepreneur because I was inspired by Bill Gates. 0:03:16.676 --> 0:03:19.356 Becoming the next Bill Gates requires a willingness to put 0:03:19.356 --> 0:03:21.916 yourself out there. You've got to be prepared to tell 0:03:21.956 --> 0:03:25.316 potential investors and clients about your big plans, and you've 0:03:25.316 --> 0:03:27.116 got to be prepared for them to laugh you out 0:03:27.116 --> 0:03:29.556 of the room. You have to knock on door after 0:03:29.636 --> 0:03:32.996 door after door, asking for support and backing until you 0:03:33.036 --> 0:03:35.916 get the answer you want. And Jaw just wasn't sure 0:03:35.956 --> 0:03:36.676 he could handle that. 0:03:37.156 --> 0:03:39.556 I just felt like my fear of rejection was really 0:03:39.556 --> 0:03:40.236 holding me back. 0:03:40.836 --> 0:03:43.636 Though now fully grown, Jaw still felt the pain of 0:03:43.636 --> 0:03:44.676 his six year old self. 0:03:44.876 --> 0:03:47.676 And I was just miserable, to be honest, because I 0:03:47.916 --> 0:03:51.116 feel like I'm getting old. My wife was pregnant, and 0:03:51.396 --> 0:03:53.356 I just feel like I probably missed my mark to 0:03:53.436 --> 0:03:55.716 be this entrepreneur that I've always wanted to be. 0:03:56.316 --> 0:03:58.676 So was shopping to admit defeat and give up on 0:03:58.756 --> 0:04:01.956 his dream and remain miserable on this path of least resistance. 0:04:03.276 --> 0:04:04.796 Nope, So that's. 0:04:04.676 --> 0:04:07.236 Where I realized I got to overcome this fear of rejection. 0:04:08.476 --> 0:04:10.876 Even if you did get dissed by your entire first 0:04:10.876 --> 0:04:14.516 grade classroom, you can probably still relate to Jah's lack 0:04:14.596 --> 0:04:17.956 of confidence. It's not just entrepreneurs who need to make 0:04:17.996 --> 0:04:21.156 themselves vulnerable to others, whether it's in our careers or 0:04:21.276 --> 0:04:23.476 just in daily life. Many of us have a hard 0:04:23.516 --> 0:04:26.316 time asking for the help we need because, like Jah, 0:04:26.436 --> 0:04:29.356 we fear rejection. We may worry we'll get a big, 0:04:29.396 --> 0:04:31.876 fat no from a friend or stranger. Or we may 0:04:31.916 --> 0:04:34.756 just hate the idea of bothering busy people. We may 0:04:34.796 --> 0:04:38.356 fear being seen as pushy or annoying or needy. These 0:04:38.396 --> 0:04:41.236 fears may feel very real, but do they match the 0:04:41.316 --> 0:04:43.596 reality of reaching out to the people around us when 0:04:43.636 --> 0:04:47.276 we need help. By not even opening the conversation, are 0:04:47.276 --> 0:04:50.356 we actually making ourselves and other people less happy than 0:04:50.356 --> 0:04:56.036 we could be. Our minds are constantly telling us what 0:04:56.116 --> 0:04:58.156 to do to be happy. But what if our minds 0:04:58.196 --> 0:05:00.596 are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, 0:05:00.876 --> 0:05:03.036 leading us away from what will really make us happy. 0:05:03.676 --> 0:05:05.876 The good news is that understanding the science of the 0:05:05.876 --> 0:05:08.036 mind can boin us all back in the right direction. 0:05:09.116 --> 0:05:18.916 Listening to the Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos, I was. 0:05:18.916 --> 0:05:21.916 A former college football player, so asking for helps not 0:05:21.956 --> 0:05:24.636 the kind of thing I typically did very much. 0:05:25.276 --> 0:05:28.476 This is Social Connection expert and Happiness Lab regular Nick 0:05:28.516 --> 0:05:31.756 Eppley lake Shaw. Nick grew up with a reluctance to 0:05:31.796 --> 0:05:32.476 ask for help. 0:05:33.076 --> 0:05:35.596 It's pretty strong and capable, and I could do stuff, 0:05:35.756 --> 0:05:39.036 and that always made me fairly reluctant to ask others 0:05:39.156 --> 0:05:40.636 for help to do almost anything. 0:05:41.436 --> 0:05:43.476 If you've heard Nick on other episodes of this season, 0:05:43.716 --> 0:05:45.716 you may recall that he studies the way our minds 0:05:45.756 --> 0:05:49.436 mess up when it comes to happier social connection. Recently, 0:05:49.556 --> 0:05:51.596 his lab has turned to the fears that he and 0:05:51.676 --> 0:05:53.756 so many of us have when it comes to asking 0:05:53.796 --> 0:05:54.196 for help. 0:05:54.396 --> 0:05:56.436 And our research and that and many others in the 0:05:56.436 --> 0:05:58.636 field has been making it crystal clear that many of 0:05:58.676 --> 0:06:02.716 those fears are miscalibrated, that as they're exaggerated, we tend 0:06:02.756 --> 0:06:05.876 to underestimate how positively these interactions are going to go. 0:06:06.556 --> 0:06:09.316 Nick's work begins from a premise that many researchers aru 0:06:09.596 --> 0:06:13.436 is a universal psychological truth. We enjoy doing nice stuff 0:06:13.476 --> 0:06:14.156 for other people. 0:06:14.596 --> 0:06:17.036 I think feeling happy to have helped is a very 0:06:17.036 --> 0:06:19.276 real thing. You go do something kind for somebody else, 0:06:19.276 --> 0:06:20.356 you'll feel pretty darn good. 0:06:20.876 --> 0:06:23.196 We usually notice how good it feels to help others 0:06:23.236 --> 0:06:25.636 when we're in the role of the helper. We forget 0:06:25.636 --> 0:06:28.036 that the same maxim holds for the people we ask 0:06:28.196 --> 0:06:28.876 to help us. 0:06:29.276 --> 0:06:31.716 Notice that asking for help from somebody else gives an 0:06:31.716 --> 0:06:34.596 opportunity to do something kind for you, and by not 0:06:34.716 --> 0:06:38.076 asking for help, you are really missing out on an 0:06:38.116 --> 0:06:40.316 opportunity to make somebody else feel good. 0:06:40.636 --> 0:06:43.076 We sometimes worry that our requests will be a burden 0:06:43.116 --> 0:06:45.796 on the person we approach, that they'll feel pressured to 0:06:45.796 --> 0:06:49.156 say yes, but Nick's research shows that that usually isn't 0:06:49.156 --> 0:06:52.316 the case, Especially when we have a relatively simple request, 0:06:52.516 --> 0:06:55.236 Calling upon another person for assistance can be a gift 0:06:55.396 --> 0:06:58.516 not just to ourselves but also to the person we ask. 0:06:59.036 --> 0:07:01.796 So in some ways, it seems almost selfish to not 0:07:01.876 --> 0:07:03.636 ask other folks for help when they could give it 0:07:03.676 --> 0:07:06.316 to you easily, because you're denying or an opportunity to 0:07:06.316 --> 0:07:07.236 do something kind for you. 0:07:07.716 --> 0:07:10.356 The problem is we usually don't see it that way, 0:07:10.596 --> 0:07:12.596 and when we fail to ask for help, we don't 0:07:12.636 --> 0:07:15.076 get to witness the happiness boost it gives us or 0:07:15.116 --> 0:07:18.516 the person giving us assistance, and so we continue to 0:07:18.556 --> 0:07:21.796 believe that seeking help is an imposition rather than a 0:07:21.836 --> 0:07:24.356 wonderful way to bond and make everyone happier. 0:07:24.836 --> 0:07:27.636 We only get feedback from the things we choose to do, 0:07:28.276 --> 0:07:30.276 and we don't get feedback from the things we choose 0:07:30.316 --> 0:07:34.676 to avoid, and in an imperfect world like that, we're 0:07:34.716 --> 0:07:38.076 going to get a systematically distorted view of how these 0:07:38.116 --> 0:07:41.716 social interactions are going to go. That naturally confirms our belief. 0:07:42.796 --> 0:07:45.596 To test just how deeply ingrained these false beliefs are, 0:07:45.916 --> 0:07:48.996 Nick designed a simple experiment. He set up a photo 0:07:49.036 --> 0:07:52.156 op at a popular spot on campus. But the camera 0:07:52.196 --> 0:07:55.036 he put out there wasn't a modern smartphone. It was 0:07:55.076 --> 0:07:58.876 a vintage Polaroid instant camera. And that choice was key 0:07:59.316 --> 0:08:02.636 because old school polaroids aren't built to let you take selfies. 0:08:02.916 --> 0:08:05.236 So in the old days, if you wanted somebody to 0:08:05.276 --> 0:08:06.796 take a picture of you as a you got to 0:08:06.796 --> 0:08:07.556 go up and ask. 0:08:07.396 --> 0:08:07.996 Them to do it. 0:08:09.196 --> 0:08:11.876 Subjects had to find a stranger to assist them. But 0:08:11.916 --> 0:08:15.036 before they approached anyone, the subjects were asked how annoyed 0:08:15.036 --> 0:08:17.636 they thought the stranger would be by being stopped, and 0:08:17.716 --> 0:08:21.036 how positive their mood would be afterwards. Nick later compared 0:08:21.036 --> 0:08:24.076 these predictions to what the strangers actually said about taking 0:08:24.076 --> 0:08:25.396 the polaroids. 0:08:24.916 --> 0:08:27.556 And we found that people tended to underestimate how positively 0:08:27.636 --> 0:08:30.676 others respond, how willing they would be to help, how 0:08:30.716 --> 0:08:33.756 happy they would feel helping after they actually did. It 0:08:33.876 --> 0:08:36.876 was a more positive experience for the person you asked 0:08:36.876 --> 0:08:38.276 for help than people expected. 0:08:38.876 --> 0:08:43.076 Nick subjects also grossly overestimated how inconvenience the photo takers 0:08:43.116 --> 0:08:46.516 would feel their guesses were six times higher than what 0:08:46.556 --> 0:08:51.276 the helpers themselves later reported six times higher. Our predictions 0:08:51.276 --> 0:08:53.956 of how other people will react to our helping requests 0:08:54.036 --> 0:08:55.356 are way way off. 0:08:55.556 --> 0:08:57.676 They were likely to want to try to help you, 0:08:57.796 --> 0:08:59.756 and given that they were perceiving it as an act 0:08:59.796 --> 0:09:02.396 of kindness, given that you'd ask for it, they'll feel 0:09:02.436 --> 0:09:03.916 good when they actually help you out. 0:09:04.436 --> 0:09:07.676 Results like these prompted Nick to rethink his own resistance 0:09:07.716 --> 0:09:08.636 to asking for help. 0:09:09.156 --> 0:09:11.596 Year in Chicago, sometimes snow's in the winter, but if 0:09:11.636 --> 0:09:14.316 I couldn't plow my drive but I was often reluctant 0:09:14.636 --> 0:09:18.156 to have a neighbor come and shovel my driveway. And 0:09:18.196 --> 0:09:20.396 then our work in part made it clear to me 0:09:20.476 --> 0:09:23.596 that the neighbor would probably feel pretty good being able 0:09:23.636 --> 0:09:26.716 to do that for me, And so I now will 0:09:26.756 --> 0:09:28.636 ask him if he could do that if I can't, 0:09:28.756 --> 0:09:31.236 if I can't shovel it, and it's created lots of 0:09:31.236 --> 0:09:33.236 good conversations between us where I get a chance to 0:09:33.276 --> 0:09:35.356 thank him for that he feels good for it, and 0:09:35.516 --> 0:09:36.756 I don't think I ever would have done that. 0:09:36.756 --> 0:09:40.396 Before asking for help to take a quick photo or 0:09:40.436 --> 0:09:42.396 for a friendly neighbor to lend you a hand. Shoveling 0:09:42.436 --> 0:09:46.236 snow are great places to start. But aspiring entrepreneur Jean 0:09:46.316 --> 0:09:49.196 Jong was in a hurry. He wanted to supercharge his 0:09:49.276 --> 0:09:52.676 fight against his crippling fear of rejection, so the approach 0:09:52.716 --> 0:09:56.996 he took was rather extreme. He decided to ask people 0:09:57.116 --> 0:09:58.876 for some pretty fantastic favors. 0:09:59.276 --> 0:10:00.516 I saw this big guy. 0:10:00.716 --> 0:10:02.476 He looked like a security guard of some sort, and 0:10:02.476 --> 0:10:04.396 he was sitting behind a desk. And I said, Okay, 0:10:04.436 --> 0:10:07.596 I'm gonna ask him. Then I said, just inching toward him, 0:10:07.956 --> 0:10:10.876 I just slowed down. I was like, this is so scary, 0:10:11.236 --> 0:10:12.556 but my heart was calending. 0:10:12.636 --> 0:10:13.436 I was sweating. 0:10:14.076 --> 0:10:16.116 Well hear how all this turned out? When the Happiness 0:10:16.156 --> 0:10:24.836 Lab returns in a moment want to be entrepreneur, Jan 0:10:24.916 --> 0:10:27.636 Jong wanted to beat his fear of rejection, so he 0:10:27.716 --> 0:10:29.676 began where a lot of us do when we're ready 0:10:29.796 --> 0:10:32.396 for a big behavior change. He did a. 0:10:32.356 --> 0:10:35.156 Google search, Google has Yoda. 0:10:36.396 --> 0:10:38.876 After a few clicks, Jean stumbled on a website that 0:10:38.876 --> 0:10:42.996 would change his life forever. Rejection Therapy dot com, a 0:10:43.076 --> 0:10:47.356 site that teaches a practice known as exposure therapy. Let's 0:10:47.356 --> 0:10:49.476 say you want to get over your phobia of heights. 0:10:50.076 --> 0:10:52.596 Exposure therapy would tell you to confront that fear by 0:10:52.676 --> 0:10:55.756 visiting locations a little bit above ground level and then 0:10:55.836 --> 0:10:59.876 over time climbing higher and higher, so that, through gradual exposure, 0:11:00.076 --> 0:11:03.716 you get used to heights. Rejection Therapy dot com applies 0:11:03.756 --> 0:11:06.316 that same logic to the fear of asking for help. 0:11:06.996 --> 0:11:10.156 The website suggests things like challenging stranger to a game 0:11:10.196 --> 0:11:13.396 of rock paper scissors or asking for a small discount 0:11:13.436 --> 0:11:16.436 the next time you buy something. The challenges even have 0:11:16.516 --> 0:11:19.236 different levels, so you can start with just a mild 0:11:19.236 --> 0:11:22.516 taste of rejection and gradually build up to going way 0:11:22.516 --> 0:11:25.276 out of your comfort zone. Jew was ready to dive in. 0:11:25.516 --> 0:11:27.236 I was like, this is the best id I've ever heard. 0:11:27.476 --> 0:11:30.836 The site recommended a month long challenge, thirty days of Rejection, 0:11:31.156 --> 0:11:31.836 and I didn't want. 0:11:31.756 --> 0:11:33.396 To do thirty days because I was like, you know, 0:11:33.436 --> 0:11:36.556 I want to go hardcore. Let me overdose on rejection 0:11:36.676 --> 0:11:38.916 and see what happens. So I did the one hundred 0:11:39.036 --> 0:11:40.156 days of rejection. 0:11:40.556 --> 0:11:43.916 And rather than performing these challenges privately, Jeaque decided he 0:11:43.996 --> 0:11:46.956 needed to film all his interactions and to share them 0:11:47.116 --> 0:11:48.156 with the entire world. 0:11:48.316 --> 0:11:51.236 I know if I do this by myself, I probably 0:11:51.236 --> 0:11:52.076 get a couple of rejections. 0:11:52.116 --> 0:11:52.596 This is quit. 0:11:52.876 --> 0:11:55.436 But if I declare that to the world and I 0:11:55.476 --> 0:11:57.236 will think people will hold me accountable. 0:11:57.236 --> 0:11:59.676 So I can't just quit that easily. So that's what 0:11:59.716 --> 0:12:02.276 I did. All right, This is my first try. 0:12:02.916 --> 0:12:06.556 Day one of John's rejection marathon started pretty spectacularly. 0:12:06.796 --> 0:12:09.636 I'm going to try to borrow one hundred dollars from 0:12:09.676 --> 0:12:10.316 a stranger. 0:12:10.916 --> 0:12:13.476 Joe picked a security guard sitting by a desk in 0:12:13.476 --> 0:12:15.556 the marble filled lobby of a nice mall. 0:12:16.556 --> 0:12:18.756 Excuse me, do you think I'm borrow a hundred dollars 0:12:18.756 --> 0:12:18.996 from you? 0:12:19.876 --> 0:12:23.476 The security guard looked confused, like he couldn't quite believe 0:12:23.516 --> 0:12:24.236 what he was hearing. 0:12:24.836 --> 0:12:29.436 No, no, why, all right? No, okay, sorry, thanks. 0:12:29.796 --> 0:12:32.476 Jew didn't wait around to answer the security guard's question. 0:12:32.956 --> 0:12:34.636 I just ran as fast as I could. 0:12:34.956 --> 0:12:38.876 Jaw was downhearted. He assumed the interaction had gone terribly, 0:12:39.476 --> 0:12:42.676 that the guard had badly rejected him, but all that 0:12:42.836 --> 0:12:44.796 changed once he watched the footage. 0:12:45.196 --> 0:12:47.796 I was like this NFL scout looking at the game film, 0:12:47.916 --> 0:12:49.236 you know, analyzing myself. 0:12:49.636 --> 0:12:52.236 Jaw was shocked by what he saw, and not by 0:12:52.276 --> 0:12:55.036 the guard's reaction, but by his own I. 0:12:55.036 --> 0:12:57.516 Looked so scared, and I was like, oh wow, I 0:12:57.516 --> 0:12:59.836 didn't know he was a security or someone. I don't know. 0:12:59.956 --> 0:13:02.316 He just sits there. He looks like a security guard. 0:13:03.236 --> 0:13:06.356 I thought he might pull off a gun or just 0:13:07.636 --> 0:13:08.676 yell at me or something. 0:13:09.316 --> 0:13:12.076 Watching the video revealed that Shaw had nothing to be 0:13:12.116 --> 0:13:14.956 scared of. He didn't get the hundred bucks, but the 0:13:14.996 --> 0:13:18.236 guard was nice. He even gave Jaw a window of opportunity. 0:13:18.716 --> 0:13:21.276 He asked Jaw why, like, why did he need the 0:13:21.356 --> 0:13:21.876 hundred bucks? 0:13:21.876 --> 0:13:24.476 Anyway, I could have said many things. I could have 0:13:24.596 --> 0:13:26.596 negotiated with him. I could have said, if you can 0:13:26.716 --> 0:13:28.876 do a hundred, can do five, you know he can 0:13:29.036 --> 0:13:32.596 do one. I could explained that was overcoming our fair rejection. 0:13:33.036 --> 0:13:33.756 I just ran. 0:13:34.316 --> 0:13:37.436 So I said, Okay, next time, no matter what happens, 0:13:37.476 --> 0:13:40.276 I am going to stay engaged. So I'm not going 0:13:40.356 --> 0:13:40.796 to run. 0:13:40.916 --> 0:13:42.276 That's the thing. I'm not going to run. 0:13:42.716 --> 0:13:44.796 One day two of his one hundred days of rejection, 0:13:45.276 --> 0:13:48.596 Jaw headed to his favorite burger joint, Five Guys Burgers 0:13:48.596 --> 0:13:52.156 and Fries. He purchased a cheeseburger and ate it, and 0:13:52.196 --> 0:13:54.236 then returned to the counter for the big ask. 0:13:55.276 --> 0:13:58.516 Yes, burgers it Can I get a burger reveal? 0:13:58.676 --> 0:14:02.796 Could he have a burger refill? That is another cheeseburger 0:14:02.996 --> 0:14:05.996 totally for free? 0:14:06.236 --> 0:14:09.276 Okay, all right, I'll like you guys a lot where 0:14:09.316 --> 0:14:10.636 you to have a burger riffing on him. 0:14:10.996 --> 0:14:13.836 The cashier said no, But this time Jell didn't run 0:14:13.876 --> 0:14:14.436 away and. 0:14:14.436 --> 0:14:17.116 I started negotiating. I started to stay calm and actually 0:14:17.116 --> 0:14:17.996 explained myself. 0:14:18.156 --> 0:14:21.316 And when that left, I didn't feel us bad like 0:14:21.476 --> 0:14:24.916 I feel way better than the first day. 0:14:25.076 --> 0:14:28.916 Jah was rejected. Five guys does not offer burger refills, 0:14:29.236 --> 0:14:32.396 even if you ask politely. But the no Jah received 0:14:32.396 --> 0:14:35.116 from the cashier yet again came with more kindness and 0:14:35.196 --> 0:14:36.436 humor than he expected. 0:14:36.516 --> 0:14:39.476 Day two was the success on to day three. 0:14:41.436 --> 0:14:43.916 By day three, Jeall already felt like he was heading 0:14:43.956 --> 0:14:45.396 for a rejection gold medal. 0:14:45.796 --> 0:14:47.316 I'm driving to a Krispy Kreme. 0:14:47.916 --> 0:14:50.996 So his next ask took his odd requests to Olympic 0:14:51.076 --> 0:14:52.956 level heights of ridiculousness. 0:14:53.076 --> 0:14:56.796 I'm gonna ask them to make me some specialized donuts. 0:14:57.076 --> 0:14:59.036 Joh one of the folks at Krispy Kream to make 0:14:59.116 --> 0:15:01.996 him a set of five donuts interlocked in the shape 0:15:02.076 --> 0:15:03.476 of the famous Olympic rings. 0:15:03.836 --> 0:15:05.516 Well, there's no way they're gonna say yes to that, 0:15:05.676 --> 0:15:07.356 you know, And I would just come in and make 0:15:07.356 --> 0:15:10.476 a joke and get reject in and hopefully not be 0:15:10.556 --> 0:15:11.076 too scared. 0:15:12.236 --> 0:15:13.836 D Yeah. 0:15:13.876 --> 0:15:16.916 The employee, Jackie Brawn, got a penant paper and asked 0:15:16.956 --> 0:15:19.596 Joh to help her sketch out the design. She didn't 0:15:19.636 --> 0:15:22.876 look angry or confused. She kind of seemed to relish 0:15:22.876 --> 0:15:23.836 the challenge. 0:15:23.516 --> 0:15:26.036 And fifteen minutes later she brought me out a box 0:15:26.076 --> 0:15:30.636 of donuts that looked like Olympic rings. That is really good. 0:15:31.036 --> 0:15:34.956 That's really good. Yeah, man, you'll make me really happy today. 0:15:35.276 --> 0:15:38.476 Jackie didn't even charge Jah for the donuts. It's on me, 0:15:38.636 --> 0:15:40.636 she told him with a big beaming smile. 0:15:41.076 --> 0:15:43.356 So when I was walking out at that donut shop, 0:15:43.476 --> 0:15:45.516 I was like, Wow, how many yeses have I missed 0:15:45.556 --> 0:15:45.916 my life? 0:15:45.996 --> 0:15:48.796 Because I was expecting a no. So that was the 0:15:48.876 --> 0:15:49.876 magic moment for me. 0:15:50.156 --> 0:15:52.756 Pleased with his success, John went home and posted the 0:15:52.836 --> 0:15:55.396 Day three video, but it didn't get the handful of 0:15:55.516 --> 0:15:59.556 use he was expecting. Millions of people watched that donut clip. 0:16:00.036 --> 0:16:02.756 It got so much attention that his Olympic ring donut 0:16:02.756 --> 0:16:05.396 story wound up one daytime television shows. 0:16:05.636 --> 0:16:08.676 I think Krispy krim Stock actually went up that day. God, 0:16:08.716 --> 0:16:10.436 there's like a marketer's dream, right. 0:16:10.716 --> 0:16:14.396 Ask them for donuts that looked like Olympic rings and 0:16:14.996 --> 0:16:16.596 I was like, no way, they're gonna say yes. 0:16:16.796 --> 0:16:18.476 They couldn't say no to me. They were like, yeah, 0:16:18.516 --> 0:16:19.396 how can I make this? 0:16:19.916 --> 0:16:22.476 And when I left there, I just had tears in 0:16:22.516 --> 0:16:24.436 my eyes because I just couldn't believe. 0:16:25.036 --> 0:16:27.156 This world is much nicer than I thought. It's much 0:16:27.236 --> 0:16:28.076 kinder than I thought. 0:16:28.676 --> 0:16:31.716 Joe's donut success was a turning point for him. It 0:16:31.796 --> 0:16:35.156 convinced him that he could successfully ask for just about anything, 0:16:35.636 --> 0:16:39.476 and Shaw really did ask for rather strange things. He 0:16:39.516 --> 0:16:42.316 asked to become a mannequin in a department store, to 0:16:42.356 --> 0:16:45.596 give the safety announcement on an airplane, to slide down 0:16:45.596 --> 0:16:48.396 the pole at a fire station, and defeed a lion 0:16:48.596 --> 0:16:49.196 at the zoo. 0:16:49.476 --> 0:16:53.916 There you go, Hold hold on, It's okay, it's right. 0:16:54.236 --> 0:16:57.356 The videos that followed were as hilarious as they were popular, 0:16:58.356 --> 0:17:01.236 like when he asked for a haircut from a dog groomer. 0:17:01.036 --> 0:17:04.316 Can you see me like a German shepherd? Like tabetan 0:17:04.396 --> 0:17:06.756 mastiff or or child chow or something. 0:17:07.556 --> 0:17:12.196 Joe's video is eventually the attention of a certain psychologist, and. 0:17:12.196 --> 0:17:14.676 I thought, this is fascinating, right, this is an extreme 0:17:14.836 --> 0:17:16.516 version of what I did. 0:17:17.436 --> 0:17:20.556 Psychologist Nick Epley's research had already shown that people are 0:17:20.596 --> 0:17:22.916 more willing to help us out than we think, that 0:17:22.996 --> 0:17:26.276 they react more positively than we expect to simple requests 0:17:26.436 --> 0:17:30.516 like taking a quick polaroid photo. But watching Jav's YouTube videos, 0:17:30.756 --> 0:17:34.716 Nick realized people may also agree to far more complicated requests. 0:17:35.156 --> 0:17:37.716 I mean, it's off the charts what he asked people 0:17:37.756 --> 0:17:38.076 to do. 0:17:38.636 --> 0:17:42.436 Nick carefully analyzed Jav's videos, counting exactly how often his 0:17:42.516 --> 0:17:44.836 pleas for help got rejected, and it. 0:17:44.796 --> 0:17:46.916 Turns out less often than he's accepted. 0:17:47.876 --> 0:17:50.236 That most of the time, a little over fifty percent 0:17:50.236 --> 0:17:54.156 of the time, to these crazy requests, the person does it. 0:17:55.036 --> 0:17:57.836 Nick also watched to see the reactions of the strangers 0:17:57.836 --> 0:18:01.156 that Jah approached. Did the donut makers and flight attendants 0:18:01.156 --> 0:18:03.196 and zoo keepers get mad and yell at him and 0:18:03.196 --> 0:18:06.236 tell them to go away? Or were they genuinely trying 0:18:06.316 --> 0:18:11.036 to be kind and accommodating. Nickson was striking In the 0:18:11.116 --> 0:18:17.156 vast majority of interactions, people reacted completely positively. Jaw's extreme 0:18:17.196 --> 0:18:20.196 experiment and rejection therapy is a great example of two 0:18:20.236 --> 0:18:23.516 things that our lying minds often get wrong. First, we 0:18:23.556 --> 0:18:27.156 don't get rebuffed nearly as often as we fear, and second, 0:18:27.316 --> 0:18:30.076 the people we ask for help are usually much happier 0:18:30.116 --> 0:18:32.996 to oblige than we expect. But my guess is that 0:18:33.076 --> 0:18:35.836 hearing Jaw's story didn't exactly prompt you to go out 0:18:35.876 --> 0:18:38.676 and demand weird shaped donuts, or to borrow money from 0:18:38.716 --> 0:18:41.356 strangers on the street, or to head into a lion's 0:18:41.396 --> 0:18:45.236 den at dinner time. So what simple strategies can we 0:18:45.316 --> 0:18:48.116 all employ to be more comfortable in asking for help, 0:18:48.556 --> 0:18:50.836 Things that will allow us and the people around us 0:18:50.916 --> 0:18:53.916 to enjoy the happiness benefits that come from bonding over 0:18:53.956 --> 0:18:57.436 a helping hand. We'll find out when the Happiness Lab returns. 0:18:57.596 --> 0:18:58.596 After this quick. 0:18:58.396 --> 0:19:10.996