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Speaker 1: Pushkin. Hey, Happiness Lab listeners, We're finally coming to the

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Speaker 1: end of our Happiness Hot Take series, a whole season

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Speaker 1: in which I've been calling out the bad happiness advice

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Speaker 1: that I hear so often on the internet. For a

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Speaker 1: final hot take, we're heading back into the Happiness Lab

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Speaker 1: archives to revisit a misconception that I struggle with myself.

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Speaker 1: Many of us find it hard to ask for support,

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Speaker 1: either because we're afraid of inconveniencing other people or we

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Speaker 1: don't want to come off as too needy. We're taught

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Speaker 1: to handle things on our own, even at times when

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Speaker 1: we really could use a helping hand. But today's hot

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Speaker 1: take is this we should be bothering people a little

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Speaker 1: more often. It turns out that asking someone for a

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Speaker 1: favor doesn't just make life easier for you, it can

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Speaker 1: actually make the other person happier as well. So stay

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Speaker 1: tuned for research and stories that reveal why asking for

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Speaker 1: everything from a little as assistance to a massive act

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Speaker 1: of generosity can be good for everyone involved. Here's this

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Speaker 1: week's in case you missed it Happiness hot take. I

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Speaker 1: hope you enjoy it. We're in a first grade classroom

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Speaker 1: in Beijing, China. It's about twenty years ago. Ahead of

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Speaker 1: the annual holidays. To mark the occasion, a teacher has

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Speaker 1: brought and wrapped presents for her students. The gifts are

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Speaker 1: stacked up in a corner ready to be handed out,

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Speaker 1: and if she.

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Speaker 2: Just stop right there, it'll be a great story.

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Speaker 1: Jah John was one of those excited kids.

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Speaker 3: But she had all of us come to the front

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Speaker 3: of a classroom and said, hey, why don't you guys

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Speaker 3: say nice things about each other. If someone calls your

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Speaker 3: name and says something nice about you, you can go

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Speaker 3: get a gift and sit down.

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Speaker 1: One by one, The kids started sharing kind words about

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Speaker 1: their classmates.

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Speaker 3: It was great when he started someone's can sing really well.

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Speaker 3: Someone is helpful to other teachers, and I will applaud

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Speaker 3: as if it might turn.

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Speaker 1: But the flow of compliments soon slowed down and then

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Speaker 1: petered outcome lately worried, Jao's teacher asked, doesn't anyone have

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Speaker 1: anything nice to say about the students who are still

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Speaker 1: at the front of the class. No one spoke. Three

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Speaker 1: gifts sat uncollected in the corner, and three kids stood

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Speaker 1: rejected at the front of the room, and I was.

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Speaker 2: One of them.

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Speaker 1: It was just a fleeting few minutes in Jao's life,

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Speaker 1: but the events of that day cast a long shadow.

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Speaker 1: Joh eventually graduated school, then headed to college, and began

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Speaker 1: a new life outside China.

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Speaker 3: But the thing is, once I came to the United States,

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Speaker 3: I started following like a path of almost like at

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Speaker 3: least resistance.

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Speaker 1: Nearing his thirties, Jao felt like he was being held

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Speaker 1: back from chasing his dreams and fulfilling his potential, and

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Speaker 1: he traced some of that back to the fateful day

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Speaker 1: many years ago, where he stood rejected in front of

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Speaker 1: his classmates.

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Speaker 2: Pretty sure it didn't help.

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Speaker 1: You See, Jean needed all the confidence, self belief, and

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Speaker 1: drive he could muster because he had a dream.

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Speaker 3: I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur. You know, I

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Speaker 3: actually come from a family of teachers, but I didn't

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Speaker 3: never want to be a teacher. I want to be

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Speaker 3: entrepreneur because I was inspired by Bill Gates.

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Speaker 1: Becoming the next Bill Gates requires a willingness to put

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Speaker 1: yourself out there. You've got to be prepared to tell

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Speaker 1: potential investors and clients about your big plans, and you've

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Speaker 1: got to be prepared for them to laugh you out

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Speaker 1: of the room. You have to knock on door after

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Speaker 1: door after door, asking for support and backing until you

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Speaker 1: get the answer you want. And Jaw just wasn't sure

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Speaker 1: he could handle that.

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Speaker 2: I just felt like my fear of rejection was really

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Speaker 2: holding me back.

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Speaker 1: Though now fully grown, Jaw still felt the pain of

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Speaker 1: his six year old self.

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Speaker 3: And I was just miserable, to be honest, because I

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Speaker 3: feel like I'm getting old. My wife was pregnant, and

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Speaker 3: I just feel like I probably missed my mark to

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Speaker 3: be this entrepreneur that I've always wanted to be.

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Speaker 1: So was shopping to admit defeat and give up on

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Speaker 1: his dream and remain miserable on this path of least resistance.

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Speaker 2: Nope, So that's.

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Speaker 3: Where I realized I got to overcome this fear of rejection.

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Speaker 1: Even if you did get dissed by your entire first

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Speaker 1: grade classroom, you can probably still relate to Jah's lack

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Speaker 1: of confidence. It's not just entrepreneurs who need to make

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Speaker 1: themselves vulnerable to others, whether it's in our careers or

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Speaker 1: just in daily life. Many of us have a hard

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Speaker 1: time asking for the help we need because, like Jah,

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Speaker 1: we fear rejection. We may worry we'll get a big,

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Speaker 1: fat no from a friend or stranger. Or we may

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Speaker 1: just hate the idea of bothering busy people. We may

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Speaker 1: fear being seen as pushy or annoying or needy. These

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Speaker 1: fears may feel very real, but do they match the

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Speaker 1: reality of reaching out to the people around us when

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Speaker 1: we need help. By not even opening the conversation, are

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Speaker 1: we actually making ourselves and other people less happy than

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Speaker 1: we could be. Our minds are constantly telling us what

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Speaker 1: to do to be happy. But what if our minds

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Speaker 1: are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us,

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Speaker 1: leading us away from what will really make us happy.

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Speaker 1: The good news is that understanding the science of the

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Speaker 1: mind can boin us all back in the right direction.

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Speaker 1: Listening to the Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos, I was.

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Speaker 4: A former college football player, so asking for helps not

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Speaker 4: the kind of thing I typically did very much.

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Speaker 1: This is Social Connection expert and Happiness Lab regular Nick

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Speaker 1: Eppley lake Shaw. Nick grew up with a reluctance to

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Speaker 1: ask for help.

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Speaker 4: It's pretty strong and capable, and I could do stuff,

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Speaker 4: and that always made me fairly reluctant to ask others

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Speaker 4: for help to do almost anything.

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Speaker 1: If you've heard Nick on other episodes of this season,

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Speaker 1: you may recall that he studies the way our minds

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Speaker 1: mess up when it comes to happier social connection. Recently,

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Speaker 1: his lab has turned to the fears that he and

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Speaker 1: so many of us have when it comes to asking

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Speaker 1: for help.

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Speaker 4: And our research and that and many others in the

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Speaker 4: field has been making it crystal clear that many of

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Speaker 4: those fears are miscalibrated, that as they're exaggerated, we tend

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Speaker 4: to underestimate how positively these interactions are going to go.

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Speaker 1: Nick's work begins from a premise that many researchers aru

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Speaker 1: is a universal psychological truth. We enjoy doing nice stuff

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Speaker 1: for other people.

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Speaker 4: I think feeling happy to have helped is a very

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Speaker 4: real thing. You go do something kind for somebody else,

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Speaker 4: you'll feel pretty darn good.

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Speaker 1: We usually notice how good it feels to help others

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Speaker 1: when we're in the role of the helper. We forget

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Speaker 1: that the same maxim holds for the people we ask

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Speaker 1: to help us.

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Speaker 4: Notice that asking for help from somebody else gives an

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Speaker 4: opportunity to do something kind for you, and by not

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Speaker 4: asking for help, you are really missing out on an

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Speaker 4: opportunity to make somebody else feel good.

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Speaker 1: We sometimes worry that our requests will be a burden

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Speaker 1: on the person we approach, that they'll feel pressured to

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Speaker 1: say yes, but Nick's research shows that that usually isn't

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Speaker 1: the case, Especially when we have a relatively simple request,

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Speaker 1: Calling upon another person for assistance can be a gift

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Speaker 1: not just to ourselves but also to the person we ask.

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Speaker 5: So in some ways, it seems almost selfish to not

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Speaker 5: ask other folks for help when they could give it

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Speaker 5: to you easily, because you're denying or an opportunity to

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Speaker 5: do something kind for you.

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Speaker 1: The problem is we usually don't see it that way,

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Speaker 1: and when we fail to ask for help, we don't

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Speaker 1: get to witness the happiness boost it gives us or

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Speaker 1: the person giving us assistance, and so we continue to

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Speaker 1: believe that seeking help is an imposition rather than a

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Speaker 1: wonderful way to bond and make everyone happier.

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Speaker 4: We only get feedback from the things we choose to do,

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Speaker 4: and we don't get feedback from the things we choose

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Speaker 4: to avoid, and in an imperfect world like that, we're

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Speaker 4: going to get a systematically distorted view of how these

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Speaker 4: social interactions are going to go. That naturally confirms our belief.

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Speaker 1: To test just how deeply ingrained these false beliefs are,

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Speaker 1: Nick designed a simple experiment. He set up a photo

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Speaker 1: op at a popular spot on campus. But the camera

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Speaker 1: he put out there wasn't a modern smartphone. It was

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Speaker 1: a vintage Polaroid instant camera. And that choice was key

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Speaker 1: because old school polaroids aren't built to let you take selfies.

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Speaker 4: So in the old days, if you wanted somebody to

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Speaker 4: take a picture of you as a you got to

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Speaker 4: go up and ask.

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Speaker 5: Them to do it.

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Speaker 1: Subjects had to find a stranger to assist them. But

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Speaker 1: before they approached anyone, the subjects were asked how annoyed

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Speaker 1: they thought the stranger would be by being stopped, and

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Speaker 1: how positive their mood would be afterwards. Nick later compared

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Speaker 1: these predictions to what the strangers actually said about taking

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Speaker 1: the polaroids.

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Speaker 4: And we found that people tended to underestimate how positively

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Speaker 4: others respond, how willing they would be to help, how

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Speaker 4: happy they would feel helping after they actually did. It

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Speaker 4: was a more positive experience for the person you asked

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Speaker 4: for help than people expected.

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Speaker 1: Nick subjects also grossly overestimated how inconvenience the photo takers

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Speaker 1: would feel their guesses were six times higher than what

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Speaker 1: the helpers themselves later reported six times higher. Our predictions

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Speaker 1: of how other people will react to our helping requests

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Speaker 1: are way way off.

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Speaker 4: They were likely to want to try to help you,

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Speaker 4: and given that they were perceiving it as an act

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Speaker 4: of kindness, given that you'd ask for it, they'll feel

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Speaker 4: good when they actually help you out.

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Speaker 1: Results like these prompted Nick to rethink his own resistance

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Speaker 1: to asking for help.

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Speaker 4: Year in Chicago, sometimes snow's in the winter, but if

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Speaker 4: I couldn't plow my drive but I was often reluctant

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Speaker 4: to have a neighbor come and shovel my driveway. And

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Speaker 4: then our work in part made it clear to me

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Speaker 4: that the neighbor would probably feel pretty good being able

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Speaker 4: to do that for me, And so I now will

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Speaker 4: ask him if he could do that if I can't,

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Speaker 4: if I can't shovel it, and it's created lots of

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Speaker 4: good conversations between us where I get a chance to

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Speaker 4: thank him for that he feels good for it, and

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Speaker 4: I don't think I ever would have done that.

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Speaker 1: Before asking for help to take a quick photo or

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Speaker 1: for a friendly neighbor to lend you a hand. Shoveling

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Speaker 1: snow are great places to start. But aspiring entrepreneur Jean

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Speaker 1: Jong was in a hurry. He wanted to supercharge his

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Speaker 1: fight against his crippling fear of rejection, so the approach

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Speaker 1: he took was rather extreme. He decided to ask people

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Speaker 1: for some pretty fantastic favors.

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Speaker 2: I saw this big guy.

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Speaker 3: He looked like a security guard of some sort, and

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Speaker 3: he was sitting behind a desk. And I said, Okay,

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna ask him. Then I said, just inching toward him,

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Speaker 3: I just slowed down. I was like, this is so scary,

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Speaker 3: but my heart was calending.

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Speaker 2: I was sweating.

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Speaker 1: Well hear how all this turned out? When the Happiness

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Speaker 1: Lab returns in a moment want to be entrepreneur, Jan

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Speaker 1: Jong wanted to beat his fear of rejection, so he

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Speaker 1: began where a lot of us do when we're ready

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Speaker 1: for a big behavior change. He did a.

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Speaker 2: Google search, Google has Yoda.

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Speaker 1: After a few clicks, Jean stumbled on a website that

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Speaker 1: would change his life forever. Rejection Therapy dot com, a

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Speaker 1: site that teaches a practice known as exposure therapy. Let's

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Speaker 1: say you want to get over your phobia of heights.

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Speaker 1: Exposure therapy would tell you to confront that fear by

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Speaker 1: visiting locations a little bit above ground level and then

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Speaker 1: over time climbing higher and higher, so that, through gradual exposure,

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Speaker 1: you get used to heights. Rejection Therapy dot com applies

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Speaker 1: that same logic to the fear of asking for help.

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Speaker 1: The website suggests things like challenging stranger to a game

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Speaker 1: of rock paper scissors or asking for a small discount

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Speaker 1: the next time you buy something. The challenges even have

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Speaker 1: different levels, so you can start with just a mild

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Speaker 1: taste of rejection and gradually build up to going way

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Speaker 1: out of your comfort zone. Jew was ready to dive in.

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Speaker 2: I was like, this is the best id I've ever heard.

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Speaker 1: The site recommended a month long challenge, thirty days of Rejection,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't want.

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Speaker 3: To do thirty days because I was like, you know,

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Speaker 3: I want to go hardcore. Let me overdose on rejection

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Speaker 3: and see what happens. So I did the one hundred

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Speaker 3: days of rejection.

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Speaker 1: And rather than performing these challenges privately, Jeaque decided he

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Speaker 1: needed to film all his interactions and to share them

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Speaker 1: with the entire world.

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Speaker 3: I know if I do this by myself, I probably

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Speaker 3: get a couple of rejections.

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Speaker 2: This is quit.

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Speaker 3: But if I declare that to the world and I

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Speaker 3: will think people will hold me accountable.

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Speaker 2: So I can't just quit that easily. So that's what

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Speaker 2: I did. All right, This is my first try.

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Speaker 1: Day one of John's rejection marathon started pretty spectacularly.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to try to borrow one hundred dollars from

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Speaker 3: a stranger.

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Speaker 1: Joe picked a security guard sitting by a desk in

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Speaker 1: the marble filled lobby of a nice mall.

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Speaker 2: Excuse me, do you think I'm borrow a hundred dollars

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Speaker 2: from you?

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Speaker 1: The security guard looked confused, like he couldn't quite believe

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Speaker 1: what he was hearing.

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Speaker 2: No, no, why, all right? No, okay, sorry, thanks.

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Speaker 1: Jew didn't wait around to answer the security guard's question.

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Speaker 2: I just ran as fast as I could.

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Speaker 1: Jaw was downhearted. He assumed the interaction had gone terribly,

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Speaker 1: that the guard had badly rejected him, but all that

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Speaker 1: changed once he watched the footage.

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Speaker 3: I was like this NFL scout looking at the game film,

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Speaker 3: you know, analyzing myself.

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Speaker 1: Jaw was shocked by what he saw, and not by

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Speaker 1: the guard's reaction, but by his own I.

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Speaker 2: Looked so scared, and I was like, oh wow, I

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Speaker 2: didn't know he was a security or someone. I don't know.

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Speaker 2: He just sits there. He looks like a security guard.

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Speaker 3: I thought he might pull off a gun or just

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Speaker 3: yell at me or something.

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Speaker 1: Watching the video revealed that Shaw had nothing to be

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Speaker 1: scared of. He didn't get the hundred bucks, but the

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Speaker 1: guard was nice. He even gave Jaw a window of opportunity.

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Speaker 1: He asked Jaw why, like, why did he need the

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Speaker 1: hundred bucks?

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Speaker 3: Anyway, I could have said many things. I could have

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Speaker 3: negotiated with him. I could have said, if you can

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Speaker 3: do a hundred, can do five, you know he can

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Speaker 3: do one. I could explained that was overcoming our fair rejection.

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Speaker 2: I just ran.

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Speaker 3: So I said, Okay, next time, no matter what happens,

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Speaker 3: I am going to stay engaged. So I'm not going

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Speaker 3: to run.

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Speaker 2: That's the thing. I'm not going to run.

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Speaker 1: One day two of his one hundred days of rejection,

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Speaker 1: Jaw headed to his favorite burger joint, Five Guys Burgers

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Speaker 1: and Fries. He purchased a cheeseburger and ate it, and

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Speaker 1: then returned to the counter for the big ask.

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Speaker 5: Yes, burgers it Can I get a burger reveal?

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Speaker 1: Could he have a burger refill? That is another cheeseburger

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Speaker 1: totally for free?

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Speaker 3: Okay, all right, I'll like you guys a lot where

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Speaker 3: you to have a burger riffing on him.

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Speaker 1: The cashier said no, But this time Jell didn't run

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Speaker 1: away and.

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Speaker 2: I started negotiating. I started to stay calm and actually

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Speaker 2: explained myself.

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Speaker 3: And when that left, I didn't feel us bad like

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Speaker 3: I feel way better than the first day.

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Speaker 1: Jah was rejected. Five guys does not offer burger refills,

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Speaker 1: even if you ask politely. But the no Jah received

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Speaker 1: from the cashier yet again came with more kindness and

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Speaker 1: humor than he expected.

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Speaker 2: Day two was the success on to day three.

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Speaker 1: By day three, Jeall already felt like he was heading

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Speaker 1: for a rejection gold medal.

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Speaker 2: I'm driving to a Krispy Kreme.

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Speaker 1: So his next ask took his odd requests to Olympic

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Speaker 1: level heights of ridiculousness.

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna ask them to make me some specialized donuts.

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Speaker 1: Joh one of the folks at Krispy Kream to make

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Speaker 1: him a set of five donuts interlocked in the shape

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Speaker 1: of the famous Olympic rings.

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Speaker 3: Well, there's no way they're gonna say yes to that,

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Speaker 3: you know, And I would just come in and make

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Speaker 3: a joke and get reject in and hopefully not be

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Speaker 3: too scared.

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Speaker 2: D Yeah.

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Speaker 1: The employee, Jackie Brawn, got a penant paper and asked

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Speaker 1: Joh to help her sketch out the design. She didn't

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Speaker 1: look angry or confused. She kind of seemed to relish

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Speaker 1: the challenge.

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Speaker 3: And fifteen minutes later she brought me out a box

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Speaker 3: of donuts that looked like Olympic rings. That is really good.

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Speaker 2: That's really good. Yeah, man, you'll make me really happy today.

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Speaker 1: Jackie didn't even charge Jah for the donuts. It's on me,

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Speaker 1: she told him with a big beaming smile.

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Speaker 3: So when I was walking out at that donut shop,

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Speaker 3: I was like, Wow, how many yeses have I missed

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Speaker 3: my life?

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Speaker 2: Because I was expecting a no. So that was the

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Speaker 2: magic moment for me.

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Speaker 1: Pleased with his success, John went home and posted the

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Speaker 1: Day three video, but it didn't get the handful of

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Speaker 1: use he was expecting. Millions of people watched that donut clip.

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Speaker 1: It got so much attention that his Olympic ring donut

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Speaker 1: story wound up one daytime television shows.

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Speaker 2: I think Krispy krim Stock actually went up that day. God,

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Speaker 2: there's like a marketer's dream, right.

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Speaker 3: Ask them for donuts that looked like Olympic rings and

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Speaker 3: I was like, no way, they're gonna say yes.

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Speaker 2: They couldn't say no to me. They were like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: how can I make this?

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Speaker 3: And when I left there, I just had tears in

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Speaker 3: my eyes because I just couldn't believe.

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Speaker 2: This world is much nicer than I thought. It's much

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Speaker 2: kinder than I thought.

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Speaker 1: Joe's donut success was a turning point for him. It

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Speaker 1: convinced him that he could successfully ask for just about anything,

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Speaker 1: and Shaw really did ask for rather strange things. He

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Speaker 1: asked to become a mannequin in a department store, to

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Speaker 1: give the safety announcement on an airplane, to slide down

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Speaker 1: the pole at a fire station, and defeed a lion

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Speaker 1: at the zoo.

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Speaker 2: There you go, Hold hold on, It's okay, it's right.

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Speaker 1: The videos that followed were as hilarious as they were popular,

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Speaker 1: like when he asked for a haircut from a dog groomer.

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Speaker 2: Can you see me like a German shepherd? Like tabetan

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Speaker 2: mastiff or or child chow or something.

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Speaker 1: Joe's video is eventually the attention of a certain psychologist, and.

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Speaker 4: I thought, this is fascinating, right, this is an extreme

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Speaker 4: version of what I did.

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Speaker 1: Psychologist Nick Epley's research had already shown that people are

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Speaker 1: more willing to help us out than we think, that

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Speaker 1: they react more positively than we expect to simple requests

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Speaker 1: like taking a quick polaroid photo. But watching Jav's YouTube videos,

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Speaker 1: Nick realized people may also agree to far more complicated requests.

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Speaker 5: I mean, it's off the charts what he asked people

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Speaker 5: to do.

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Speaker 1: Nick carefully analyzed Jav's videos, counting exactly how often his

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Speaker 1: pleas for help got rejected, and it.

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Speaker 5: Turns out less often than he's accepted.

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Speaker 4: That most of the time, a little over fifty percent

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Speaker 4: of the time, to these crazy requests, the person does it.

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Speaker 1: Nick also watched to see the reactions of the strangers

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Speaker 1: that Jah approached. Did the donut makers and flight attendants

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Speaker 1: and zoo keepers get mad and yell at him and

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Speaker 1: tell them to go away? Or were they genuinely trying

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Speaker 1: to be kind and accommodating. Nickson was striking In the

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Speaker 1: vast majority of interactions, people reacted completely positively. Jaw's extreme

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Speaker 1: experiment and rejection therapy is a great example of two

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Speaker 1: things that our lying minds often get wrong. First, we

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Speaker 1: don't get rebuffed nearly as often as we fear, and second,

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Speaker 1: the people we ask for help are usually much happier

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Speaker 1: to oblige than we expect. But my guess is that

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Speaker 1: hearing Jaw's story didn't exactly prompt you to go out

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Speaker 1: and demand weird shaped donuts, or to borrow money from

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Speaker 1: strangers on the street, or to head into a lion's

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Speaker 1: den at dinner time. So what simple strategies can we

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Speaker 1: all employ to be more comfortable in asking for help,

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Speaker 1: Things that will allow us and the people around us

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Speaker 1: to enjoy the happiness benefits that come from bonding over

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Speaker 1: a helping hand. We'll find out when the Happiness Lab returns.

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Speaker 1: After this quick.

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Speaker 3: Break on dividing my life into BD and AD Before

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Speaker 3: donuts and after donuts. It was a watershed moment for

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Speaker 3: me because he opened up this whole new.

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Speaker 2: World to me.

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Speaker 1: A decade after asking a Krispy Kreme employee to build

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Speaker 1: him the Olympic Ring up donuts, John now runs the

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Speaker 1: very company that inspired him. Rejection therapy dot com. He's

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Speaker 1: also an in demand speaker and the author of Rejection Proof,

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Speaker 1: How I Beat Fear and became Invincible through one hundred

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Speaker 1: days of rejection.

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Speaker 3: I didn't plan this. I didn't plan this seem to

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Speaker 3: go viral, and someday I'll write a book. Some day,

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Speaker 3: I'll do a blog. You know, someday I will give

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Speaker 3: a Ted talk or beyond Laura Sentel's show. I'd never

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Speaker 3: planned all that. All I did was like, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: do something.

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Speaker 1: And the viral videos joh made are now used by

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Speaker 1: clinicians to help patients with social anxiety. They may seem extreme,

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Speaker 1: but Jaw says they can still teach us important lessons

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Speaker 1: that we can apply in everyday settings. His first takeaway

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Speaker 1: is people.

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Speaker 3: Are actually much nicer than we think. People are actually

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Speaker 3: very open, especially if you awesome wacky stuff.

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Speaker 1: A second lesson is that your fears that people will

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Speaker 1: angrily reject you or think less of you if you

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Speaker 1: ask for assistance are likely to be very, very misplaced.

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Speaker 1: Jaw is living proof that you'll hear no far less

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Speaker 1: than you expect.

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Speaker 3: When I started, I thought I was going to get

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Speaker 3: one hundred rejections. You know, maybe like I got some yes,

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Speaker 3: as if you get really lucky. But as it turned out,

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Speaker 3: sometimes just by asking you get it yes.

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Speaker 1: But to get to that yes, Jaw says, we also

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Speaker 1: need the courage to expose our vulnerabilities and to ignore

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Speaker 1: any worries we may have about seeming needy.

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Speaker 3: I don't want to bother other people, and you know

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Speaker 3: I want to be independent.

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Speaker 1: Right, And the research backs this up. Psychologists have long

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Speaker 1: found evidence for what's known as the beautiful mess effect.

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Speaker 1: We assume that people will avoid us if we seem

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Speaker 1: needy or dependent on help, but it's actually just the opposite.

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Speaker 1: People like us better when we show weakness, or express

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Speaker 1: emotional vulnerability or seek their help. Being messy makes us

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Speaker 1: seem more open and relatable.

445
00:21:06,476 --> 00:21:08,636
Speaker 3: You're really good friends to ask for help, they ask

446
00:21:08,676 --> 00:21:11,036
Speaker 3: for opinion, they ask for help, and they're vulnerable to

447
00:21:11,076 --> 00:21:15,276
Speaker 3: each other. If you give and take, that really build relationships.

448
00:21:15,276 --> 00:21:18,516
Speaker 3: In fact, sometimes the fact that you're asking shows that Okay,

449
00:21:18,716 --> 00:21:21,596
Speaker 3: I'm asking you because I need you, and that's really

450
00:21:21,956 --> 00:21:24,316
Speaker 3: increases the bond you have with each other.

451
00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:28,196
Speaker 1: But connecting with potential helpers also requires changing the negative

452
00:21:28,236 --> 00:21:31,876
Speaker 1: mindset the many of us have about soliciting assistance. Your

453
00:21:32,036 --> 00:21:34,476
Speaker 1: tension while asking for help can make the whole interaction

454
00:21:34,716 --> 00:21:38,356
Speaker 1: less comfortable for everyone. It's something that Jah learned early

455
00:21:38,436 --> 00:21:39,996
Speaker 1: in his days of rejection therapy.

456
00:21:40,636 --> 00:21:44,356
Speaker 3: So I was expecting rejection and all my focus is

457
00:21:44,396 --> 00:21:47,276
Speaker 3: how I could deal with that rejection. I them couldn't

458
00:21:47,316 --> 00:21:49,596
Speaker 3: even think the possibility that people will say yes to me.

459
00:21:49,796 --> 00:21:52,156
Speaker 3: And if you don't bring this aggressive energy, you're not

460
00:21:52,196 --> 00:21:54,996
Speaker 3: that tense. People actually relax when they talk to them

461
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:57,036
Speaker 3: to decrease that tension.

462
00:21:57,276 --> 00:21:59,636
Speaker 1: Jaw advises that you really do need to come to

463
00:21:59,756 --> 00:22:03,396
Speaker 1: terms with the possibility of being rebuffed and to relax

464
00:22:03,436 --> 00:22:03,836
Speaker 1: about it.

465
00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:05,156
Speaker 2: That's actually the key.

466
00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:07,996
Speaker 3: If I'm coming in and if I'm open to rejection,

467
00:22:08,436 --> 00:22:10,196
Speaker 3: then I'm fine. If I give the other person the

468
00:22:10,236 --> 00:22:12,596
Speaker 3: freedom to say no to me, I give myself the

469
00:22:12,676 --> 00:22:14,436
Speaker 3: freedom to ask whatever I want.

470
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:17,596
Speaker 1: One way to do that, Shaw says is to explicitly

471
00:22:17,596 --> 00:22:20,076
Speaker 1: admit that what you're asking for might not be doable,

472
00:22:20,596 --> 00:22:22,996
Speaker 1: and that it's totally cool if the person can't help you,

473
00:22:23,716 --> 00:22:25,676
Speaker 1: that you know they're not doing it just bite you

474
00:22:25,956 --> 00:22:27,076
Speaker 1: or because they don't like you.

475
00:22:27,356 --> 00:22:29,756
Speaker 3: I say, Okay, I know I'm making a big request here.

476
00:22:29,876 --> 00:22:31,756
Speaker 3: I know this is a little bit weird, and it's

477
00:22:31,756 --> 00:22:33,836
Speaker 3: okay if you can't do it. If I put that

478
00:22:33,876 --> 00:22:37,356
Speaker 3: thing what they're doubting up front, it actually put people

479
00:22:37,396 --> 00:22:40,436
Speaker 3: at ease. He's saying that I can say.

480
00:22:40,236 --> 00:22:40,876
Speaker 2: No to this.

481
00:22:41,676 --> 00:22:44,276
Speaker 1: And if you're still feeling guilty about your request, Jaw

482
00:22:44,356 --> 00:22:47,076
Speaker 1: suggests thinking back to how you felt when someone asked

483
00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,916
Speaker 1: for help. Would you really be annoyed if the situation

484
00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:53,076
Speaker 1: was reversed. Joe says he even thinks back to cases

485
00:22:53,116 --> 00:22:55,756
Speaker 1: where he felt frustrated when good friends failed to call

486
00:22:55,796 --> 00:22:56,836
Speaker 1: on him when they were in need.

487
00:22:57,156 --> 00:23:00,356
Speaker 3: I had a friend and he spent like almost a

488
00:23:00,436 --> 00:23:03,476
Speaker 3: year looking for a job and he didn't ask for

489
00:23:03,476 --> 00:23:03,956
Speaker 3: any help.

490
00:23:04,036 --> 00:23:05,796
Speaker 2: It was really hard for him, and I was like,

491
00:23:05,996 --> 00:23:08,356
Speaker 2: you could have told me earlier that job. I know

492
00:23:08,436 --> 00:23:10,596
Speaker 2: someone who who was hiring for that job. Why did

493
00:23:10,676 --> 00:23:11,476
Speaker 2: you tell me earlier?

494
00:23:11,916 --> 00:23:15,436
Speaker 1: But Joe has one final strategy that makes seem counterintuitive

495
00:23:15,476 --> 00:23:19,556
Speaker 1: given his own experience. He recommends not going as hardcore

496
00:23:19,556 --> 00:23:20,076
Speaker 1: as he did.

497
00:23:20,476 --> 00:23:22,956
Speaker 3: Go outside of the comfort zone a little bit. Don't

498
00:23:22,996 --> 00:23:25,756
Speaker 3: go like way out. You don't have to come in

499
00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:27,556
Speaker 3: and ask for one hundred dollars like I did.

500
00:23:27,836 --> 00:23:30,396
Speaker 2: That was a big step. It's like an exercise right.

501
00:23:30,596 --> 00:23:33,236
Speaker 3: If you've never lifted weights, you don't want to come

502
00:23:33,276 --> 00:23:35,276
Speaker 3: in and bench press like three hundred pounds.

503
00:23:35,276 --> 00:23:36,156
Speaker 2: You're gonna get crushed.

504
00:23:36,196 --> 00:23:37,876
Speaker 3: But go out of your comfort zone a little bit

505
00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:40,796
Speaker 3: and just test the water, and then gradually expand your

506
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,516
Speaker 3: comfort zone. You can start doing this again and again,

507
00:23:43,716 --> 00:23:45,716
Speaker 3: and every time you do, he becomes so much better

508
00:23:45,756 --> 00:23:46,276
Speaker 3: than before.

509
00:23:46,756 --> 00:23:49,076
Speaker 1: And Joe should know because asking for what he needed

510
00:23:49,116 --> 00:23:52,236
Speaker 1: publicly and fighting his fear of rejection didn't just change

511
00:23:52,236 --> 00:23:52,796
Speaker 1: his life.

512
00:23:52,996 --> 00:23:55,836
Speaker 3: Jackie from Krispy Kreme right that the person said yes

513
00:23:55,836 --> 00:23:58,716
Speaker 3: to me to make Olympic donuts, it changed her life too.

514
00:23:59,076 --> 00:24:02,676
Speaker 1: Jackie Brown also went viral for those Olympic donuts. A

515
00:24:02,756 --> 00:24:05,396
Speaker 1: viewer of Jaw's video even made her a Facebook page

516
00:24:05,556 --> 00:24:08,956
Speaker 1: entitled give Jackie a Krispy Kreme a Raise, and thousands

517
00:24:08,996 --> 00:24:10,636
Speaker 1: of people sign the petition.

518
00:24:10,956 --> 00:24:15,516
Speaker 4: Thank you, thank you, thank you, I mean very very much.

519
00:24:16,236 --> 00:24:19,396
Speaker 1: She received a personal visit from the CEO of Krispy Kreme,

520
00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:22,396
Speaker 1: and she now stars in training videos that are used

521
00:24:22,436 --> 00:24:23,676
Speaker 1: by the entire corporation.

522
00:24:23,876 --> 00:24:26,676
Speaker 2: She become like a celebrity within her company just all

523
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:29,236
Speaker 2: because she say yes. Sometimes saying yes is more.

524
00:24:29,156 --> 00:24:31,996
Speaker 1: Fun that saying no, and John thinks we'd all benefit

525
00:24:32,116 --> 00:24:34,476
Speaker 1: from the fun of asking for help more often.

526
00:24:35,036 --> 00:24:36,716
Speaker 2: Rejection therapy has become a movement.

527
00:24:36,836 --> 00:24:39,716
Speaker 3: It just feels my heart because I hope this movement

528
00:24:39,756 --> 00:24:42,436
Speaker 3: can keep going and to help people overcome their fear.

529
00:24:45,956 --> 00:24:47,996
Speaker 1: So many of us are missing out on making new

530
00:24:48,036 --> 00:24:52,076
Speaker 1: social connections or deepening our bonds with existing friends just

531
00:24:52,116 --> 00:24:55,116
Speaker 1: because we don't want to ask for help or favors that.

532
00:24:55,196 --> 00:24:57,996
Speaker 1: Maybe because we don't want to appear annoying or vulnerable,

533
00:24:58,436 --> 00:25:01,476
Speaker 1: or because we fear the humiliation of our pleas being rejected.

534
00:25:01,756 --> 00:25:04,276
Speaker 1: But the science shows that our worries about being pushy

535
00:25:04,316 --> 00:25:07,356
Speaker 1: and needy are unfounded. People are way more happy to

536
00:25:07,396 --> 00:25:09,956
Speaker 1: help than our lying minds think, and our reluctance to

537
00:25:09,996 --> 00:25:12,236
Speaker 1: ask for help once at preventing the people we care

538
00:25:12,276 --> 00:25:15,556
Speaker 1: about from receiving the happiness boost that comes with being kind.

539
00:25:16,956 --> 00:25:19,956
Speaker 1: So why not follow Jah's advice and push your rejection

540
00:25:20,036 --> 00:25:22,316
Speaker 1: comfort zone a bit. You don't need to ask a

541
00:25:22,356 --> 00:25:25,556
Speaker 1: stranger for money or demand specialized donuts, but you can

542
00:25:25,636 --> 00:25:28,316
Speaker 1: make sure you give the people in your life opportunities

543
00:25:28,356 --> 00:25:31,116
Speaker 1: to support and care for you. It'll make them and

544
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:45,516
Speaker 1: you feel much better than you expect. The Happiness Lab

545
00:25:45,556 --> 00:25:48,276
Speaker 1: is co written and produced by Ryan Dilley. Our original

546
00:25:48,316 --> 00:25:51,956
Speaker 1: music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing

547
00:25:51,996 --> 00:25:55,596
Speaker 1: and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Vines

548
00:25:55,636 --> 00:25:59,156
Speaker 1: offered additional production support. Special thanks to my agent, Ben

549
00:25:59,236 --> 00:26:01,876
Speaker 1: Davis and all of the Pushkin proved. The Happiness Lab

550
00:26:01,916 --> 00:26:04,556
Speaker 1: is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and me, Doctor

551
00:26:04,596 --> 00:26:13,516
Speaker 1: Larry Santos